Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 227: Reviews of Hallmark Movies

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

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do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but i'd give it zero stars if i could hello hello we're recording we're recording this is our hallmark episode not the holiday one i don't even know what we're gonna call it uh not. This is our Hallmark episode, not the holiday one. I don't even know what we're going to call it. Probably not non-holiday Hallmark. We can still say Hallmark movies. Reviews of Hallmark movies. I feel like that's better than non-Christmas Hallmark. It's too confusing. It's confusing, but got some good stuff, I think. I'm excited. This was fun.

excited this was fun it's a very very big departure from last episode i think because at least like last episode when you when i was reading reviews of like seinfeld and shit and people were like i don't understand how people can enjoy this but this is like i understand like its purpose but it's ridiculous still you know what i mean wait never mind you understand or the reviewer i'm saying like they my reviewers were i feel like i don't know better about these somehow then i feel like we're playing guess who and you're like does your reviewer have glasses yeah my reviewers um they're weirdly for me they were less unhinged i see because they go into it with the understanding that this is a Hallmark movie, and they usually are people who like Hallmark movies. Yeah.

Or if they don't, they recognize that they're not going to like it. Yeah. Well, interesting. Can I start? Yeah, please. Okay. Because I have something here from John. And this email, the original email from John was actually, because I was like, why is this so familiar?

It was in my Between You and Us folder. I just hadn't read it yet. And since we've kind of just not known what to do with Between You and Us, it's just been like in stasis in my folder. And so when John re-sent this, I guess heard that we were doing Hallmark and was like, well, here you go. I was like, this is a perfect chance. This is a review of the movie The Shellseekers starring Angela Lansbury. Wow. Shellseekers, Hallmark.

I should have, I pulled out the synopsis for pretty much all of these. Yeah, there were so many that were so weird, the titles, and whose plots I was surprised by. Because when I think Hallmark, I think those cheesy romance movies. Yeah. But some of these were, like, they had real plots. Whether they were well-written or not is another story,

but I didn't realize how many types of movies Hallmark makes. Oh, they do a lot of like true, not, well, they do true crime stuff, they do true crime stuff. They do stalking stuff, which I guess is true crime. They do sci-fi? They do? Yeah. What? I saw ones that were like sci-fi, mostly like apocalypse or end of the world like space stuff. But yeah, they do all sorts of stuff. They do apocalypse movies? They do. Okay, I'll get more into it with this article, but like Dee and I were talking about it and she said that she was reading this article and I'll mention it later. But they do a lot of movies that have similar concepts to movies, existing, pre-existing movies.

But they're trying to like, it seems like some sort of like cash grab based on like, for example, Pirates of the Caribbean. Soon after Pirates of the Caribbean, hallmark released like a really shitty pirates movie like pirates of the ohio river of the mississippi exactly how did you know i don't know because i'm just pretty good at this so this is the shell seekers i mean maybe this is apocalypse it sounds like it would be sci-fi something sort of sci-fi that's like based on the hunger games or something right well i haven't read the description the synopsis i'll read it now penelope keeling It's like it would be... Sci-fi. Sort of sci-fi that's like based on the Hunger Games or some shit. Right? Well, I haven't read the description, the synopsis.

I'll read it now. Penelope Keeling, Angela Lansbury, is a withdrawn English matron from an artistic family. After suffering what seems to be a heart attack, Penelope reevaluates her past choices and decides to reconnect with her children, including Noel and Olivia. Looking back on her life, Penelope reflects on moments of both happiness and regret, focusing in particular on her ill-fated romance with one-time love, Richard. Okay. Okay, it doesn't seem very sci-fi.

But here's the review. Now, the reason this is so important, this review. Oh, okay. Is because John wrote it. But he wrote it 20 years ago. Wow. And he didn't remember until he went through his Amazon and was like, oh my God, I wrote this review like 20 years ago. That's funny.

Right? I'm very, oh, wow. Are we going to rip into John? So John. I'm not holding back, so. Not holding back, John. You sent this in multiple times. This fucking idiot. Who the fuck?

Yeah, we don't even have to hear the review. You want to just rip into him anyway? Kind of. We just recorded the last episode, so last week's episode, which was, it ended with me being very annoyed. Yeah, it was basically a noise ante for 13 pages. This energy is coming right into this one. So John, you are in the wrong place at the wrong time my friend so one star review on amazon of this film and the title is yawn this makes it so much better and i don't know how old john is but i'm assuming 20 years ago like they were not zero they were yeah they seem to be pretty youthful my guess is like either child or teenager oh really i think uh based on i don't know okay careful you're gonna start

you're gonna be like man based on the writing style it's like a 12 year old yeah well i wrote this when i was like 30 that's what i'm trying to do oh okay make him feel like shit just kidding okay uh just one listener. Come on. John. For the entertainment of millions of others. Of millions. It says yawn, but it's lowercase y, capital A, lowercase w, n, and then two asterisks. So now you tell me. I don't want to tell you anything because I don't know what to tell you.

Okay. This movie stars Mrs. Potts from Beauty and the Beast. Only she isn't a teapot in this movie. She's some old woman that had a heart attack. Now we're all waiting for her to die. 98 long minutes. She doesn't die. My grandma says she was dead at the end, but I say no.

That was me. I was bored to death. John, you're funny. That was actually, this is, oh, okay. John. John. Give me something to be annoyed about, please. The general plot is Mrs. Potts has three non-teapot kids, and I can't tell them apart.

Okay. It seems that Nancy and her brother are married, but they aren't. Nancy is really married to some grouch. He should die too, but I don't think he does. The best way to view this movie is with the TV off and you in another room with your friends eating chocolate. 14vivo found this helpful. Wow. John, you're a tastemaker. Wow. I'm impressed. Anyway were gonna shit on you but actually that was a i was pretty thoroughly uh entertaining

that was an entertaining negative review yeah one out of ten or what was it uh one out of five one out of five yeah it's not his thing she wasn't even a teapot and her children weren't either teapot her non-teapot kids i mean oh my oh my god. That's pretty good. That's good. Good job, John. Oh, I can't be mad at you, John. I can't stay mad. It's so hard to stay mad at John. So true. And I appreciate the willingness to share a review that you wrote 20 years ago. You even said, I know I'm breaking the rules because I wrote this. But we never really stipulated that as a rule. If we wrote these reviews the day of and pretended like there were other people, then maybe we'd be breaking some rules.

Then maybe we'd be breaking the rules, yeah. That we made. But you're allowed. You can break any rules you want. My first one is of a movie called A Country Wedding. It's from 2015. And the description says, sparks fly when an engaged country music singer reconnects with a childhood friend okay yeah that sounds saucy huh great sounds really saucy um which is exactly what we're

looking for also by the way this isn't relevant for this one no offense to the people in this but um it's funny how like many like a-list huge celebrities have been in. Angela Lansbury, for example. Well, sure, yeah. I mean, she's been in multiple, I'm pretty sure. I was about to say who, and then I'm like, okay, yeah. The one you just read, yeah. And then there are more like Sir Patrick Stewart.

He was in that Pirates one I was talking about. Pirates of the Ohio River. Yes, Pirates of the Ohio River. Anyway, I'll probably read more of those types of things. Here is a 1 out of 10 review on IMDb for a country wedding titled The Film Equivalent of a Dumpster Fire. And here we go. Cheesy.

Adjective. Cheesy. Comparative. Adjective. Cheesier. Superlative. Adjective. Cheesiest.

One. Like cheese in taste, smell, or consistency. Oh no. A pungent cheesy sauce. No, two, informal. Cheap, unpleasant, or blatantly inauthentic. Cheesy motel rooms. End of review. I just copy and pasted the dictionary definition.

Webster's dictionary defines cheesy as a pungent sauce. Oops, I forgot to take that one out of the review. Wow. I wonder if it was one of those where it's like you need to write more, like yell, you need to write more than five words. And the way it was spaced was so confusing because I think really they just literally copy and pasted from a website. Formatting did not work out too well. No. Yeah, I saw that film come up a few times.

It seems to have quite a mix of, a mixed bag of reviews. Mixed bag, for sure. I didn't bring any of that movie, but I do have one of Easter Under Wraps. Ooh. Aaron Cavendish, well, here's the thing. What?

We didn't do Christmas movies movies holiday movies for this and i thought what's coming up yeah i guess and while easter is a holiday so i was thinking because d was brought up this leprechaun hallmark movie that exists she was like does that count because st patrick's day is a holiday and i said no we were thinking about like non-holiday as in uh christmas time holidays like just just and i would say 99 of the time it is christmas which is why i keep saying yes with hallmark yes exactly with hallmark specifically although i did see love under the menorah or something and i'm like i don't think you know how a menorah i was gonna say or maybe i don't but i'm pretty sure

i'm pretty sure you don't how are are you going to light all those candles? Do you mean mistletoe? It's not the same thing. It's literally just like, hmm, what can we change mistletoe to? Yeah, right. Menorah. It's like the same amount of syllables, I guess. I guess it's better than like love under the dreidel.

Oh, God. I'm trying to learn, like think about any other. The guilt. Chocolate guilt. Here we go. Easter under wraps. Let's get back to Christianity. Anyway, come on.

Here's the description or the synopsis. Erin Cavendish goes undercover at her family's chocolate plant to see why sales are down when she meets head chocolatier Brian, who has new ideas on how to update the Easter product line. That's the synopsis. Does that mean it sounds sinister it does doesn't it yeah sounds like he's gonna put drugs in the right or is that just me um this guess what it has on imdb i don't know if you have i just wrote it down for fun like overall on imdb yeah but you don't have

to if you brought it up like it's probably low but i feel like for most of these we were in like the sixes it's not that that low. 6.8? 6.4. 6.4. I just put it next to all the synopses. It's just for fun. Oh, yeah. Okay.

That is fun. I should say that. Yeah. I'll say that for my future runs. I think that last one was a 6.9. They get pretty decent. I think because people know what they're getting into, and it has its target audience, and they love it. Yes, precisely.

Unfortunately, Sarah does not feel that way. This is a one-star review called Horrible and it's a verified purchase of Easter Under Wraps. They somehow managed to remove Christ from Easter. I wasn't expecting this to be a religious movie, but it was downright anti-Christian. I am sorry I bought this movie and wasted my money. End of review. Wow. I wonder what happened. Yeah, right? What could be so anti-Christian?

Like, you should just be glad they made it Easter instead of like springtime, blah blah blah. Seriously, I'm like, Easter is inherently a Christian holiday. Why are you acting like they made it anti- whatever. I don't know what happened at this chocolate plant. I kind of do want to know.

It seems like something not... Something heath... Is heathenistic a word? You know what? I'll allow it. Because I know heathenism is a word. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heathenistic?

Heathenistic. Wow. That's a good one. I wonder if they were chocolate crosses before, and then the guy was like, let's reach a wider audience. Nobody loves God anymore. Let's melt these down. Melt down the crosses.

Oh my God, that's exactly what it was. They melted them down and turned them into... Pentagrams. Yep. Wow. That's good, Sandy. Thank you. I think we should write it.

Write a demonic Easter chocolate movie? Yeah, and we're going to call it Easter Under Wraps 2 to get that same audience. I mean, the first one was heathenistic already. What if it's Easter Under the Menorah? Ah! Ah! Ah! Eh?

Easter Under the Gelt. It's already made of chocolate. Okay? Whoa. I know. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What if they turn all the crosses into gelt? I was going to say chocolate. Okay. Whoa. I know. Oh my God. Oh my God. What if they turn all the crosses into gelt?

I was going to say, what if that's what it is? That's fun. So much fun. That sounds great. But I'm going to move on. Okay. If you must. My next one is of Love on the Sidelines.

I almost said, I have the same one, but mine is just called Love Begins. I'm like, why did I think by the word love I was going to know what it is? Love on the sidelines? This sounds like your dream movie. Laurel is a struggling fashion designer who finds herself with a job as a personal assistant for Danny, a quarterback sidelined with an injury. Laurel knows nothing about football, and Danny hasn't ever had a female assistant. Boy, okay. Oh, yeah. All right. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what you think. Boy, okay. Oh, yeah.

All right. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what you think. Loving it, loving it. This is a two out of 10 review titled, A Blend of Conservative Stereotypes. Warning, spoilers. This movie is mainly a agglomeration of...

Is that the word? What? Agglomeration? It's not a agglomeration. Mainly a agglomeration of... Is that the word? What? Agglomeration? It's not a agglomeration. Mainly agglomeration of conservative... Okay, sorry. Like an amalgamation I'm familiar with. Agglomeration is also a word.

I've never heard it. I should have looked this up. I think in my head I read it as amalgamation. Now that I'm reading it aloud, I was like... It means a pungent, cheesy... Oh, wait, no. That's not right. The informal version, no, that's not right. The informal version.

The informal. Okay. The mood, this movie is mainly a agglomeration of conservative white American cliches. There are about three funny scenes in it. The rest just follow the rom-com chick flick stereotype you have seen a thousand times before. The stubborn male lead is just concerned about his male issues, while the insecure female lead makes an effort to satisfy him

and to fulfill the duties of her new job. And there are, for sure, the loving family and friends who know that both are in love before even they know it themselves. And the white male lead explains to one of his

African-American teammates how to wear a suit properly. We do it like this. Probably they cut out the N-word. Oh, God! Could you imagine if they're like, that shouldn't make it to the end result. Finally, the father says,

yeah, that's my son. Everyone is happy. Everybody is successful and gets rich. Everybody is a wasp. Afterwards, I had to open the window to get in some fresh air. I gave it a two instead of a one because of the female lead, whose acting is good.

End of review. Oh, my God. I had to open the window. To get some fresh air. To recover. Isn't that amazing? Like, filled my home with noxious fumes. Outziner.

Whoa. I know. I don't love that he had to teach his companion his what do you call teammate clearly i'd be the this girl in this situation the worst assistant his teammate had to wear a suit it's so so stupid and also like it was not the only review basically other reviews were all about the sexism that was oh no well sure I mean, just by the concept itself, it very much lends itself to sexism. She doesn't know anything about...

Oh my God, sports ball. What's it called? Yeah, sports ball. Okay, the next movie I have is called Love Begins. Have you heard about this? I don't think so. Okay, it's basically from a... I would love to hear more of those.

I know you would. It's from a series called Love Comes Softly. Okay. Also not familiar. Which were books that then turned into movies and then Hallmark created Love Begins, which is like I think the prequel to all of them. Got it. It's a period piece. It's like a old-timey, it's set in olden days.

Like pioneer days, basically. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Discover How the Love Comes Softly series began. Oh, this is a synopsis. After their father's passing, Ellen Barlow and her sister Cassie struggle to maintain the family farm in Anderson's Corner.

When Clark Davis finds trouble in town on his way to California, Ellen agrees to hire him at the farm to work off his debts. Before long, Clark and Ellen unexpectedly develop feelings for each other. Ultimately, a turn of events inspires the pair to begin a legacy of love and faith together in this heartwarming family drama. Jeez, it sounds terrible. Yeah. Sounds not like my thing. Yeah. I'll save that.

Yeah. It's a lot of people's thing, just by the way, and they fucking love it. Not surprising. They love this shit. Like, just as an example, I just scrolled through the reviews and somebody wrote, Just as an example, I just scrolled through the reviews and somebody wrote, possibly one of my favorite movies. I like good, clean movies or as clean as you can get nowadays.

Oh, no. So that's kind of the vibe we're going. That is not what I want to hear. Just to give you an idea. I hate it. So it has a 6.8 on IMDb. Here is a one-star review, and this is called Profanity. No. I know.

Not in my Hallmark movies. Verified purchase. Has at least one cuss word. Throughout. Not for Christians. Jesus saves and is God. Repent and trust him to save you from your sins and eternity in the lake of fire. End of review.

I love it. It's like, don't you dare curse, but by the way, if you don't love Jesus, you're going to burn in hell for all of eternity. Burn you alive. Like, what the fuck? Don't say that. Yeah. God forbid I say a bad word, but you're going to tell me how I'm doomed for eternity and I will suffer.

And you suffer for the rest of your life. That's what you expect out of the rest of my existence. And I don't see what the problem is um but yeah and i love that it says at least one swear word yeah it's not like i thought it was like at least one an hour like at least one it's not episodes literally means that they heard one swear word they'd probably turn it off threw it out it says through it i know it sounds like throughout but it's through with a w sorry had at least one cuss word period t-h-r-e-w threw out not for christians so they threw it in the trash can um and because it was a dvd so they literally threw it in the trash can um which means they

got to the one cuss word the one the one in, yeah. In this period piece set in, like, Pilgrim. Okay, I know I just said I was in, what did I say last time? Prairie. Prairie. Something like that. You said Pioneer. Pioneer Times. Times.

You know those times. You know those times. We remember. Oregon Trail. Yeah, that kind of thing. The game. I don't know. But I'm just wondering what they could have said.

Like, malarkey. Yeah, no, I have no idea. I mean, I don't. Like, damn. Goddamn, that would be, see, that would make sense. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not actually make sense, but I could see someone reacting like that for that. Yeah, and I could see you burning in hell for the rest of your life.

That's fine. Okay. Today. Something's fine. Okay. Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together.

It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong. The new empire. Now playing only in theaters. It's time for me to mention that article that i already mentioned okay great this is from complex uh it's titled the 15 most ridiculous hallmark movies of all time yay uh jason serafino uh and this was written in 2012 so i'm sure that they're 11 years after there there were many more wild ones. And this was while Dee and I were in the car, she sent me this.

Oh, that's fun. Because she found it. So there's ones like Oliver's Ghost. It's something about a ghost story. That sounds great. And yeah, no, some of these, I'm like, this sounds very entertaining. But the author says, there's one thing this world doesn't need it's hallmark trying to barge its way into halloween oh that's true actually and i feel like a lot of christians wouldn't

approve of that anyway yeah um but then there's like uh supernova which is um the one i was talking about like or that i thought of is like a disaster thing that's kind of like Armageddon. It's like an Armageddon spinoff. Oh, I love that. And then- Which is insane, by the way. I think I might have a review of that. I can't remember.

There's Chasing Leprechauns, which is a St. Patrick's Day thing. A Gunfighter's Pledge, which has like Luke Perry in it. What? And it's about an ex-lawman who accidentally kills a man and pledges to bring his body to his sister. I know. And it's like, this is a Hallmark movie?

Hallmark is all over the place. They are. That's a good way to put it. They are all over the place. Then there's like fucking the one I was talking about earlier, and I might have a review of this one, that is The is the mysterious island which is based off of uh uh i think a jules verne book uh gala gala island no no no it's called the mysterious island oh nice try though i love gala gala island but this is kyle mclaughlin um who i don't know if you recognize the name, but he's very famous. He was in the lead in Twin Peaks.

Gabrielle Anwar. Okay. If I'm even saying that right, I know, recognize the name. And then Sir Patrick Stewart. I've heard of him. You have? Okay, good. And then there's like The Curse of King's Tut Tomb, which was like the mummy. What? The mummy, but not. Come on.

So yeah, it's just final days on planet earth just wild stuff was that a planet earth spinoff planet no it's just like this they according to them actually yeah so they say uh it's in the same vein as independence day oh my gosh yeah i kind of want to see these just for shits and gigs. I just want to see what the hell they're doing. Just peek in. What's a problem with that is like, if you go in expecting something. I see no problems with it. No, I'm just saying like.

End of story. If any of their audience members is like, they can so easily say, this is just a shitty knockoff of X. Yeah. You know, like, but I don't know. But honestly. They get their money. I feel like many of those people who view these religiously, so to speak, don't watch the actual originals.

That's fair. Yeah, no, that's true. I don't know how many of them actually watched Armageddon or whatever. But I've got a review of Mysterious Island. Okay. So I'm going to read the description quick. To escape evils of the civil war, Cyrus removes his small family and random war prisoners by way of hot air balloon.

Once landing on an island, the group finds they are surrounded by danger from giant insects and gold craving pirates. Turned away by the only safe haven on the island, owned by Captain Nemo, played by Sir Patrick Stewart, the group is forced to find shelter and survive. What in the world? It has a 4.3 out of 10.

It stars Kyle MacLachlan. I'm trying to think of who. He's like the main guy in Twin Peaks. I know him as that. Oh, I know this guy. Oh, he's the mayor in Portlandia. I forgot about that. He's the mayor in Portlandia.

I completely forgot about that. That's literally where I know him from. Wow, that's embarrassing. But yeah, he's in plenty of stuff. He's a very... Well, he's in that movie based on Gullah Gullah Island, I think, about... So true. The Jules Verne novel, Gullah Gullah Island.

Yeah, and he's also the captain in How I Met Your Mother. So I feel like that gives everybody kind of a broad spectrum if you don't. Everyone's probably like, I fucking know who that is. Dummy. Did you know he's from yakima washington i did not know that fun what a fun fun fact i thought so here's the review it's a one out of ten of mysterious island titled oh the acting oh no here we go plug your ears patrick this film ranks amongst those that are so bad they're almost amusing almost vinnie jones turns in the worst performance as pirate bob harvey he was so amazingly bad eclipsed only by the obviously artificial wig that looks like it was last worn by a member of

motley crew that we couldn't contain our laughter while he was on screen. My favorite scene was where Patrick Stewart, Nemo, confronts the castaways just as there is an earthquake. I'm guessing that this whole scene was shot in a studio somewhere, on completely solid ground, and stock footage of an island with a big rumbling mountain was stuck in later. Anyway, as Stewart delivers his lines, the pro that he is, he stumbles and shakes as the eruptions and tremors go on all around. Then we cut back to the rest of the cast all standing still with cow-like expressions.

He's like shaking and they're just staring at him blankly. Nobody gave him the memo. Either they were wondering whether Stuart had lost his marbles or they were filmed in a completely different studio way before Nemo's lines went into the can. That is so bad. It's hilarious though. Doesn't save the film in the slightest. End of review. Oh my God, that's really bad. And it was not the only thing like that. Apparently at one point you could see tourists in the background just like on a beach. Oh, and they're supposed to be cast away. Yeah, yeah. You could see tourists. There was another where it was like I think someone said a barge went by.

Because this takes place in like, this is not like a current movie, but a barge was in the background. Like the whole thing just seems so. So I wonder how much they got paid, you know? Like these were all, I'm trying to see when this was. Like legit actors. It was written, the movie was in 2005. Like somebody just.

These were all, they were all established at this was. Actors? It was written, the movie was in 2005. Like somebody just, These were all, they were all established at this point. Because I read somewhere a review where someone said, you know, I like to, I like that Hallmark movies give actors a chance

to like cut their teeth and like really like try out their acting chops. But this is not that. Like these are, Someone actually thinks, what do you mean? What does that mean?

Someone said like, I like when Hallmark lets like new, like fresh actors. Oh, I see, I see. I thought you meant like established actors do that. No, sorry. I mean like new actors fresh oh i see i see i think you meant like established actors do that no sorry i mean like new actors i see but like this is not that like this is clearly a different this is not a different thing this is a fucking 2005 movie and like all

these people were like already like established that's wild isn Okay, well, what do I have? I have Home for Harvest. Oh, is that like Thanksgiving? Yes. Okay. A travel writer is surprised. I mean, this is just the most Hallmark plot ever. A travel writer is surprised to be sent back to the hometown she left heartbroken years before. She meets a new man until her ex shows back up and causes trouble rated tvpg

imdb 4.6 stars people did not like this movie at all it got even on amazon like we're pretty low for a hallmark film um i have a couple but here's the first one. This is a review by Joy. It's one star verified purchase. This movie is as good as pistachio and raspberry combined. Usually. What? Is that bad? Apparently. I looked it up.

Is that like a famously bad combo? You looked it up? Yeah, because I thought, is that a thing? Like a saying? No, they're literally places that make that flavoring baked goods so the way it was presented i thought those two have some sort of chemical reaction that causes something really negative to happen oh that's how they actually made the volcano in that scene with sir patrick seward oh yeah it's raspberries and pistachio yeah and that's it's like a science

project you do in elementary school this movie is as good as pistachio and raspberry combined. Usually watching Hallmark feels like escaping the awkwardness of real life, but this one was even worse than actually dating. The acting and script were terrible even for a Hallmark movie, which is saying something. I like Hallmark as much as the next person, but skip this one. End of review. Oh, man. Yeah, this one, this movie,

the Hallmark fans were not pleased. That's how you know you really fucked up, Hallmark. Yeah, yeah. When you can't even please the people that are normally pleased no matter what. Like, that it's hard to displease these people. Yeah. What was the IMDb rating? 4.6. Don't worry, I've got one better.

4.8. As in better. Sorry've got one better. 4.8. As in better. Oh, oh, oh. Sorry. I made it sound like I was going to have one lower. Because my next one is of Final Approach. It's an action-filled account of an ex-FBI negotiator who uses all his skills to save a jumbo jet headed for Los Angeles, California from the terrorists who have placed a bomb on board.

Oh, no. They are all. Hallmark, I'm shocked. I had no idea. Like, I thought it was mostly romance movies. And then they've got, like, hostage situations. This is starring Dean Cain and then Anthony Michael Hall, among other people. Okay.

Okay. So here's a 1 out of 10 review of Final Approach. Movies from 2007. This review is 2022 and the title is Meh. I'm almost offended by just how implausible nearly everything is in this film. It's as if it was written by somebody who flew on an airplane once and has only ever seen FBI agents in the movies. The level of research into the specifics of law enforcement response and the aviation industry was almost non-existent. Perhaps the only believable aspect of this

is that there's a transcontinental flight from EWR to LAX. I love terrible movies, but really feel like my time was wasted here. End of review. You know it's bad when they're like, I love the terrible movies, but really feel like my time was wasted here. End of review. You know it's bad when they're like, I love the shitty movies. Self-professed. But this one is just too shitty for me. Yeah. And you know, it made me sad with that other review where it said it was almost bad enough

to be funny, but not there. Yeah. Which is like such a bummer because like what a beautiful space to be in when it's so bad it's funny. Like then at least it's enjoyable but if you're in the middle and it has a chance of being like a cult classic of some yeah you know but if you gotta dredge your way through it if you're just like miserable after watching it yeah yeah thanks i'm not watching that again it's basically it's good as pistachio

and raspberry oh amen i say that all the time. But is that not the most random flavor combination? I still don't understand. I feel like it has to be a reference to something. You could say peanut butter and anchovy. You could literally say anything that's gross, but this doesn't even seem that gross. But that's why I Googled it. I thought maybe it was a reference. Couldn't find anything.

This person is probably allergic to both raspberries and pistachios and only those two things. And only when they're combined. For them, it's literally, oh, that too. Maybe it's like the only lethal thing. It's their kryptonite. That they could eat. This next one is of Supernova, a movie from 2005. The description is,

the scientific possibility becomes a terrifying reality when the most powerful force in the universe threatens to hurdle home what that doesn't okay what do you think the most powerful force in the universe is god jesus no it's actually like a um is it a an asteroid more powerful than an asteroid. What is the most powerful? The sun. Yes. Good job. See, you got it. It makes sense. I could write this movie.

This was a 3.7 out of 10. Oh, gosh. Overall. And with 1.8 thousand reviews. So it's not even that it only had a few reviews. Oof-a-doof-a. It was pretty bad. This is that one I mentioned that stars Luke Perry.

Okay. Peter Fonda is in it? Oh. Okay. Anyway. The review is warning spoilers. I mentioned that stars Luke Perry. Peter Fonda is in it? Anyway, the review is warning spoilers and this person is very adamant about letting us know that there are spoilers. So I'm going to read their warnings in it. But also

warning you all, there are spoilers. The title is Now I Know Why I Waited. Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! I will reveal the ending. I will reveal the ending. Oh my god. I've had this thing for about two years, but could never bring myself to watch it.

I knew what I was getting into when I read the description. When I saw the words sun and supernova together, it was obvious that the story was written by a high school dropout. But it doesn't stop there. obvious that the story was written by a high school dropout, but it doesn't stop there. Add to that a subplot that includes an escaped serial killer and man. Oh, and a man.

Sorry. The serial killer, I think, is also a man, but they're saying, and man. I'm just an idiot. Not a man. A man? Oh, God, get him out. Add to that a subplot that includes an escaped serial killer and man,

then the horrible acting, horrible accents, horrible effects. This is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. It seems that an astrophysicist discovers that the sun is much older than previously thought. Like this alone changes the mass to the point that the sun could supernova. And during this time of great discovery, an asteroid hit the sun. Yeah. An asteroid.

I guess this was some form of foreshadowing, but they never tied it into why the sun keeps belting out CMEs directly at earth. A CME is a, I had this looked up. Emission. Yeah. It's a, it's a carbon.

Okay. Keep going. Monoxide emission. It is a coronal mass ejection. That's what I said. It's a significant ejection of magnetic field and accompanying plasma mass from the sun's corona into the heliosphere.

So cosmic erection is what the sun is having. It's causing a cosmic erection. Okay, that's what I thought. That's what I said. Yeah, you nailed it. Thank you. Now for the lamest scene in movie history. Said astrophysicist was hiding out on a beach in a shack and the solar fireballs that seemed

to pinpoint major cities. Yep. Scored a direct hit on his shack. And to add the insult against viewers, this was right after he finally found true love. He literally just got like firebombed to death i don't even know i don't think that's like the main thing because like i mean i don't i'm very yeah so this that's just the astrophysicist that dies like not even related to that's not even the spoiler what about the man what happened to the man which man i don't know the serial killer man you'll'll find out. Okay.

Spoiler here. Ending revealed. Oh, my God. I'm going to spoil the ending. Oh, my God. Sorry. And, like, spoiler here and ending revealed has, like, 12 asterisks around them. Oh, my God.

And, like, all caps and exclamation points. My anxiety is, like, spiking for no good reason. I weirdly respect it because I don't like spoilers, but IMDB has a thing for that. You can just check the box that says spoilers in this, and they did. You can also just tone it down. Yeah, true. It doesn't seem necessary.

Just a little. Luke Perry pours over the calculations and finds out that the original equations of the now dead astrophysicist were wrong. He had a plus sign where it should have been a minus sign. Oh, that's good. No, really. It's in the movie.

That's good. And now that the sun has been put back into its proper place by the correct mathematical operator, it's time to finish the random serial killer story. Right. Who all this time had done nothing but walk around looking evil and riding a stolen motorcycle. Long story short, Luke Perry's wife kills him. The end. End of review.

What? Wait, kills Luke Perry? I assume the serial killer. But actually, it's not confirmed. I'm not sure. Maybe she killed the astrophysicist. Maybe Luke Perry. Oh, wait. Luke Perry's girlfriend is the sun?

Yeah. Whoa. Well, why do you think she got hit by an asteroid, Alexander? Why do you think she's always having a cosmic erection? She had an erection on this astrophysicist Killing him This is so stupid That sounds lovely

Like, this sounds so bad that it would be like almost good to watch. Like that's the kind of thing that's fun to watch because it's so bad. Yeah. Anyway, so your turn, then I'll finish up. I just got so worked up. I yawned because I had no oxygen in me. Okay. Is that how yawns work?

I don't know, but I like. I'm doing acid astrophysics. Oh, he's dead. Oh, damn it. Oh, no. Oh, damn it. Luke Perry's wife killed him. God, not again again it keeps happening okay so i have

these last three of home for harvest they're short but they jesus they go back to back i promise they're they're like really no that's fine it's funny i was gonna say they're relevant they're definitely not relevant that's the wrong word um one star verified purchase is by Amy. I only came here to share how appalled I am that the writing in this movie indicates that Noah owns a restaurant and the main character, I just finished watching the movie and can't remember her name, loves avocado toast. I literally laughed out loud as he attempts to make this for her. It looks like absolute mush and she thinks it is delicious. Anyone who eats avocado toast knows that it doesn't look like this. The research into this cheesy movie and the acting were enough to throw me into fits of laughter. End of review.

Oh man. And the title I forgot to read. It's terrible acting and the worst avocado toast I have ever seen. So this next review that I'm going to read to you back to back is a three-star by Emily, and the title of the review is Avocado Toast Was a Nightmare. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. Verified purchase. Did he puree the avocado?

Oh, my God. This movie is everything you want in a Hallmark-like movie, but what the hell was that avocado toast? It was baby food avocado. It was brown. What a disaster. Ew. End of review.

Are they trying to appeal to millennials or something? I think that's... Or they just don't know what avocado toast is? I think that's ding, ding, ding. Oh, man. The things that get by and... Where nobody questions. Nobody ever says something like including the actors

like i don't know they're probably they get their paycheck they're not gonna like care criticize of whatever and also if they bring the avocados they're like well it's gonna take another hour to get a new avocado toast so i'm just gonna do the scene yeah um there were a lot of reviews that were like i i started counting how many times they said avocado toast and i lost track like they said it so many times which is like when was this movie released you know um these reviews are all from either 2021 or 2022 so it might be like so pretty recent but like after the whole avocado toast millennial like obsession but definitely not timely yeah but it feels timely for hallmark like 10 years years ago, this was a big thing. Now we'll, oh, 2020 it came out.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So here's my last one. This is by Laura. It's three stars and the title is Avocado Toast? Question mark. It's a verified purchase.

I'm a little embarrassed that I'm a millennial and had to Google avocado toast. Oh, wait. Nope. Not embarrassed at all. I'm sure it tastes good, but not enough to mention in public. Adding that to another reason I wish I was born before the 1980s. As for the movie, your face is... What?

What is wrong with people? I don't know. This is so weird. You wish you were old? You wish you were old because you don't know what... I don't know. I don't know. It makes no sense.

It makes no sense. Why do I try to make it make sense? I know. I know. I love avocado toast. It's delicious. It is. You should fucking eat it.

Or don't eat it. You don't have to eat it. Or don't eat it. But also, this to eat it. Or don't eat it. But also, this movie seems to be anti-avocado toast if they're making it that gross. If they make it look disgusting. Like pureed brown baby food. To be fair, that was the whole thing that boomers would say if millennials stop buying avocado toast.

And that was the whole thing. So that might be part of the reason that they're doing it to mock millennials. I don't know. But the things that... It's it's another i mean we had a challenge like this but the fact that this person seems to think it's a flex that they've never heard of avocado what a weird brag be proud of it's not something to be ashamed of either but why are you acting like she said above other people i'm sure it tastes good but why would you say it in public yeah why would you be ashamed to say that you eat avocado toast? I'm not talking about BDSM. What do you mean?

Ashamed to say it in public is so weird. Okay, not that you should be ashamed to say anything about BDSM. I'm just saying in context of a- I know what you mean. If someone wrote that in a review, I'd be like, okay, I could understand that. That logic makes sense. Avocado toast. This is what I don't get.

It's so, like, no one's going to get upset at you if you say avocado toast. Maybe they Googled it and got the wrong thing. True. Urban Dictionary, avocado toast. Like, seriously, that might be what they did. They looked it up and went, uh-oh. You should be ashamed of yourselves, millennials.

You know why? They probably saw a post of real avocado toast and went, well, that's not what they were talking about. Oh, true, true. It didn't look anything like that in the movie. Yeah. Oh, a sexual. What?

A sexual act. Nope, not reading this. If Alexander's not reading it, we know it's bad. But the challenge is to annoy you. No, that's why I was like, wow, I'm shocked you're not reading it. I'll save it for the challenge. So y'all, if you keep listening. Fuck. Keep listening. I shouldn't have even brought challenge. So y'all, if you keep listening. Fuck.

Keep listening. I shouldn't have even brought it up. Nope, nope. This is your fault. Also, I just Googled Home for the Harvest, Home for Harvest avocado toast and an IMDb review came up that says, here's a fun drinking game. Take a shot every time the two leads say avocado toast, you'll be dead before the end of the movie.

God. But I have yet to find a photograph of this brown yeah like i really want to see it i wish someone had just taken a screenshot um but too bad i don't think people who they probably don't know how to take a screen it sounds like this is targeted towards boomers i wish they would have taken a picture of their computer screen like my parents do yeah to send me a link there you go where i'm like can you just send the link they're like i did and i'm like okay yep all right let's see where did it go sorry uh let me finish this one adding that to another reason i wish i was born before the 1980s as for the movie i wasn't

particularly drawn to the relationship usually i can can start seeing a connection, but I didn't fall in love with any of the characters. Scenery is beautiful though. End of review. Just the title. Avocado toast? Question mark? It's with people. What? That was the first one I read, by the way. And I was like, are you, what are you talking about? And then I read all the other avocado toasts and went, oh. So at least, yeah, at least this movie seems to have really made a big deal out of this avocado toast.

It makes sense that they'd mention it, but still. Oh my God. I wonder if they'd do that if it were a movie that just casually mentioned avocado toast and they got all like, what the fuck? What is that? Yeah. It seems like they've, I feel like they felt like they had to know what it is to enjoy the movie.

They Googled it. Probably a sign of the movies, the fault of the movies more so than this review yeah exactly um oh my god that's insane yeah um well mine is not has nothing to do with avocado toast uh but this is a review of the curse of king tut's tomb oh god i'm sure this is not problematic at all and was very sensitive please other cultures why ever why ever would you, I shouldn't even say it out loud. It's not something to say in public, like your avocado toast. So true. Okay, here's the summary.

Thousands of years ago, the great child king Tutankhamen ruled. Few know the details of his life. No one knows the secrets of his death. Except the Hallmark writers. Exactly. See? But all is about to change. In 1922 Cairo, free spirit archaeologist Danny Fremont is certain that if found, King Tut's

emerald tablet would hold the ultimate power to control the world. Oh my god. But unfortunately, the only person who believes Fremont is his ruthless archaeologist nemesis Morgan Sinclair, a member of a secret society who wants the tablet to harness unspeakable evil on the world and will stop at nothing to get it and then extend their world domination but with the help of a crackerjack team adventurers that include uh the doubting egyptologist dr azalea barakat fremont ventures through the valley of the kings towards tut's tomb near the portal to the underworld and getting closer to the truth behind a mystery that will change the world forever or end it.

You gotta be honest. I really. You zoned out. That's understandable. Please don't read it again. I won't. This is from 2006. I mean, fuck.

The movie's two hours, 50 minutes. What the fuck? It's three hours long. It's a three hour long movie. I wonder if it's like one of those TV movies that's like split into two or something. The movie's two hours, 50 minutes. What the fuck? It's three hours long? It's a three hour long movie. I wonder if it's like one of those TV movies that's like split into two or something. I hope so. It looks like, oh my God, it literally looks like an Indiana Jones ripoff too. Well, yeah.

Holy crap. That doesn't surprise me, I guess. It stars Casper Van Dien. And I saw some people were like, what? He's in this? Like, how did he stoop so low or something? He's in Starship Troopers, Alita Battle Angel. Car what?

Who is it? Casper Van Dien. V-A-N-D-I-E-N. I've never heard of this person. Me neither. That doesn't mean much of it. Malcolm McDowell's in it. That's like a...

Stop acting like that. That I actually know. Okay. Anyway, here's a 1 out of 10 review for The Curse of King Tut's Tomb titled For the Love of God. I almost cried after watching this movie. Not because it was emotionally moving, but because I wasted $5 to rent it for the weekend. First of all, the editing sucked. Some parts of the movie seemed to be recorded on a camcorder the climax scene was more flat than a week old soda

many things didn't make sense at all such as french soldiers in full uniform in 100 degree heat or dynamite blowing a perfect square hole in the ground in front of a tomb the whole movie was not believable at all honestly i've seen better acting in porn. If you want a good Egypt movie, watch The Mummy instead. Too bad I can't give this movie negative stars. End of review. I literally thought they were about to say, if you want good acting, watch Naughty Girls XX.

Watch Mummy. I was going to say something with Mummy, and I was like, that's gross. That's why I changed it. And I just went quiet. Me too. And I was like, that's gross. That's why I changed it. And I just went quiet. You did it anyway. So yeah, that's that. That's the theme.

That's it? Yeah. Nailed it. You ready? Unciner, I'd rather not. Your challenge. So now, hey, I only have four reviews. It's not that many.

Look, what you put me through last week. And now I'm going to read an Urban Dictionary post. Oh my God. For avocado toast. And I'm only reading this because I want you all to picture this is what the person thinks that they're talking about. Oh, right. When they said, why would you say this in public? I'm sure it tastes delicious.

They did say that, though. And I'm just going to read this word for word. This is fucking weird. This is so stupid. See, I feel like you're uncomfortable, which makes me so nervous I could cry. This is fucking weird. This is so stupid. See, I feel like you're uncomfortable, which makes me so nervous I could cry. This is so weird. I just, I don't get it.

Like, it's not even that, like, it's just like so weirdly specific. Okay. Avocado toast. A sexual act where a West Coast or Latino woman experiences a squirting orgasm in the cowgirl position while riding a man with very little melanin in his skin she removes a penis from her vagina in the middle of the act and spreads her ejaculate over her partner and then here's the here's the example dan hey milton how's your relationship with isabella going milton Oh, wow. Geez. She's crazy. I've been getting avocado toasted every night. Dan. Isn't avocado toast for breakfast?

Milton. Nah, man. That's it. Don't worry. It has 14 thumbs up and 83 thumbs down. Thank you. But. Uxner.

That just like, wow, that's horrible. And also that means in that movie. That's what they think is happening. No. This movie is not what I expected. Home for Harvest. Am I right? So right.

That was the wildest thing. That was wild what you just read to me. Good. You're welcome. That's a good start. Now I have a review of Ghost Adventures. If you're not familiar, Ghost Adventures is Zach Baggins, Aaron Goodwin, Billy Tolley

and Jay Wasley. I don't know. Investigate the scariest, most notorious haunted places in the world. Did you hear there's gossip coming out uh-oh there's tea what more of them there already some stuff i don't think so people are basically saying like like nick one of the former people on the show is like releasing a tell-all oh yeah yeah yeah i saw he was like did a q a on twitter a video like he was like i'll answer any questions or something but did he i don't know well he's like releasing like a, I don't know if it, and then some guy on TikTok was like, yeah, I have stuff to add to.

And now people are like, what is it? Em and I are kind of convinced. I don't know. I feel like it has to be, like, I feel like they're gonna be like, sometimes they fake stuff. And it's like, well, duh. Right? And like half the world already believes that.

So I don't understand. But I mean, anyway. And by the way, I just, this annoy you. This probably won't annoy you really. I don't understand. But I mean, anyway. And by the way, I just, this annoy you. This probably won't annoy you really. I don't know. It's already annoying me. I know you and Zach go way back. Way back.

It's kind of like, you know, it's maybe a touchy subject in some ways. Indeed. But this is a 10 out of 10. Oh, no. Okay. Freaking addicting. I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing.

Brought a very positive one. Here we go. If Ghost Adventures had their own church, I would be there every Sunday and Wednesday service and more than likely every single pie pick and bake sale. This show rocks. Premises simple. 12 hours. One haunted place. And three tubular dudes with video cameras who are locked in from dusk till dawn.

Sweet movie. It can't get any better. Personally, I don't doubt them one bit. They're not there to prove a haunting or dismiss it. They're just there to capture the legends on film. The locations are credible. You've probably even seen them on other paranormal shows, which even makes them more credible. As for their evidence, they break it down immediately after it happens,

sometimes playing it over a few times or at a slower pace. And if they catch anything really spooky, like a full apparition, it's analyzed to death because ultimately that's the main goal is to show you that what they get is real. It's also nice to have just three regular normal guys

interacting with you through the show. Interacting with you? Yeah, I don't know. This person is living very vicariously through this experience or something. Okay, I get it. Through the show, then a bunch of pocket protector scientists

whom you can't even understand. Zach, Nick, and Aaron are just like you, which makes the series even better. They do the exact same things my friends and I do on the weekends. What? It's so awesome to know that we're not the only ones who do that crazy crap.

I love them. Can't get enough of them and hope it's on air forever. End of review. Wow. Yeah. This was from 2010. So two years into the series. I.

Very enthusiastic. I really want to live a day in the life where I'm this enthusiastic and convinced about the, what's the word? Like the- Validity? Yeah, the validity, the like sincerity, the genuine, you know, behind ghost adventures. Like I can't imagine a world in which I would watch it and go, these are just the top, most genuine, most sincere, most just-like-me people I've ever watched on television.

Yeah. It's honestly dizzying to think about. No, agreed. I hope that the news about Zach doesn't break this person. That's a good point. I mean... I mean, this was written in 2010. So who knows what 13 years

later what they're up to or like how they feel about ghost adventures because i know the shows that i was really into in 2010 i probably can't even tell you what they are i probably could but that's probably like community actually when was that coming out i think that's about right okay so never mind i take it back tequila tequila oh yeah of course that ruined me once i realized how terrible tequila tequila is. I'm just kidding. It did not ruin me, but. Alex Hinner would write reviews like this where he said, she's just like me.

She's just like me. And I was like, I'm sorry. Now I have to go back and scrub everything. I know. It's really embarrassing for me, honestly. Yeah, true. Oh, yeah. You were the one that made me scrub everything.

I did. And I was like, can I stay? Do you mind if I do a little PSA defending tequila tequila? And you're like, no. Well, I let you do it, but I just. You deleted it. I put it in a Word doc, like in. Oh, my God.

Not to bring up the office again, but, you know, just gave you a blog and it was just a Word document. Just a Word doc. Also. No, fuck Tila Tequila, by the way. Whoa. I'm just saying. Talk about hot tea.

She's terrible. She's like awful. She's like anti-Semitic. Yes. She's like really awful. Yeah. She's a bad person hey what's up uh the church of uh has almost said scientology of ghost adventures yes

not loving it yeah you know i didn't think you would no yeah i thought this was the kind of person that like yeah well i'm sure you are a fan to an extent of the show um and i know many of the people who listen to this podcast let alone and that's why we drink an extent of the show. And I know many of the people who listen to this podcast, let alone, and that's why we drink are fans of the show. This is too much for you. I know. It's a little far.

It's too far for you. And I'm really still having an existential crisis where they said, Zach is just like you. And you said that to me. And I feel like. Oh, that was, that was.

My identity is crumbling. Yeah. That was directed towards you. Got it. I mean, you've made your basically living in the same way i'm just saying i just just just just some thoughts i don't know i don't know you connect the dots it's words anyway what was our slogan we just say words we just say words you connect the dots yeah yep anyway i'm moving on god this next one

is of the london lodge motel Oh, boy. This is in New Orleans. Sorry, it's on Airline Highway in New Orleans, Louisiana. What's it called? London Lodge Motel. Okay, it's very confusing. I can name it. Leave me alone. Okay, fine.

Okay, here we go. I'll leave you alone. This one comes with a picture. And you must look at the picture. That's part of the challenge. You must look at the picture that's part of the challenge you must look at it i already don't want it and you're definitely not going to want it after i finish the review uh don't worry i'm not going to read uh so this is the update i'm not going to read the original here we go one star beware this place is infested with scabies i got

them all over my nuts my my penis, and my ass. I stayed there five years ago, and here we are five years later, and they're still invading my nuts. My penis! No. Cannot get rid of them. Went to the doctor about five times. Got all the creams and pills you're supposed to get for scabies,

but they just won't leave me alone. Had to get lawn and garden spray to kill them do not stay at the london lodge exit nightmare these people are alcoholic drug addicts spelled a-t-t-i-c apostrophe s that on his place they don't even put the damn money back in the fucking place to buy fresh bedding and pillows are people and they don't even fumigate what nasty people and owners they are. End of review. No, no, the scabies, they're coming back. Yeah, they're like, no time for punctuation.

I don't even know what I'm saying. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway. Trail off right at the end. Here's a picture of this guy's butt with scabies. Gross, huh? Alexander, you did not just show me a scabies-ridden ass. Yeah, I did.

God damn it. I'm just doing. Did he spray fucking, what's that stuff? Roundup of his butthole? Yeah, I think so. Did he spray his penis with Roundup? I think so. Maybe.

I'm concerned. I think that might be what that rash is. It's not pretty. It's not pretty. I don't know if that scabies. No, it said that worked. That's the thing. It said I had to get lawn and garden stuff to clear it. Like, I think that's not pretty. I don't know if that scabies. No, it said that worked. That's the thing. It said I had to get lawn and garden stuff to clear it.

Like, I think that's what worked. Maybe it got rid of the scabies, but created like, I don't know, what happens with like GMO foods? I feel like that's what happened to him. Not this. He's kind of like become mutated or something. Yeah, maybe. Alrighty.

My next one is of Maxim Health and Fitness in Brooklyn, New York. Cool. What could go wrong? What could go wrong? And this is a three-star review. Here we go. If I have to hear a Fallout Boys cover of MJ's Beat It one more fucking time while I'm trying to treadmill. Most oppressive serious radio selections at this gym ever. Clean though. Locker rooms are the size of a closet.

Thank God I'm not into cruising gyms or casual sauna sex because if I was I'd be shit out of luck here. End of review. But how romantic would it be to have... Specifically to beat it? To beat it? I didn't even think of the fact of you saying beat it. Yeah, how romantic indeed. Alexander. I'm sorry. That's rude.

And also, I tried to figure out the whole time what you searched to get that review. I did like, fuck Fall Out Boy or hate Fall Out Boy. You're so evil. I did like, site colon Yelp.com. You're so evil. I fucking hate Fall Out Boy or something. You're so rude. Yeah. rude yeah oh no i don't even know that last one before this i have no idea what i searched in hindsight uh maybe you were just on your own i did not search scabies that's for sure like i did not want that you know i

wasn't like ha ha ha i want to show her a picture but did you type in balls or something or nuts or i don't i penis i don't think so like i really don't i think honestly now i think about it i think there was something else in a different review and then you found i found that because there were only like seven reviews unfortunate and i saw the picture that's what it was so i found a different review that i did not like in hindsight like i was like this is not it was not nice it was like kind of it was i remember something about i forget it exactly but i remember being like this i do not feel comfortable reading this and then i saw in the pictures and i was like is that someone's butt and i clicked on it and i was like okay good thing i

still got something out of this search i'm like positive that's how it happened dear lord yeah so you're welcome it could have been worse trust me i I wasn't even going to ask how you found that last one. I just want to know about the fall boy. And yeah, it hurts. It does. It does hurt. This one has a pretty like obvious search that I did,

that I, I did on purpose. I'm trying to figure out, you'll figure this out very in no time. Okay. Is this the last one? This is my last one. It's five stars though.

It's a, it's a redemption. This is a Wesley's Booby Trap. Uh-oh. It's an adult entertainment bar. Okay. Yeah, okay. Features. Intimate. Good for groups. What groups?

Maybe we need a little more specificity there. Well, this is in Dora, Alabama. Okay. And this is a five star review. Those mommy milkers were fantastic. Absolutely not. I emptied my piggy bank into my bright red Velcro. I'm so glad you said emptied my piggy bank.

Your gas kind of threw me because I was like, oh, yeah. I really. You were ready for something much worse. And then I was like, oh. Oh, my God. And I almost started to laugh thinking about what you thought. I emptied my penis. And I almost started to laugh thinking about what you thought. I emptied my penis and, sorry. Alexander.

You, that was your fault. You fucking monster. Okay, here we go. You are terrible. Don't worry, let me start from the beginning. God damn it. Those mommy milkers were fantastic. I emptied my piggy bank into my bright red Velcro wallet I can't say that

It also doesn't help that I can't say that My bright red Velcro wallet And my jeans And begged mother to take me to Wesley's Booby Trap for the free continental buffet After sitting at one of the stage seats I unfurled my wallet With a resounding squanch

And pennies rained from heaven in that titty bar. I truly felt the presence of the Lord in that titty bar. Thanks. End of review. Thanks? Yep. Fuck you, guy. Also, I feel like we got a name for our Hallmark film

or our better acting than a Hallmark film. Mommy Milkers? Wait, what? The Mummy. The Mummy Milkers. The Mummy Milkers? Wait, what? The Mummy. The Mummy Milkers. The Mummy Milkers. Good job, Christina. Look, see, it's productive

to look up these kinds of things. God damn it. It really put me in a bad mood, though. Good, good, good. Was it worth it for you, though? Yeah, because I'm leaving. That's the thing. It's like, I go home after this.

I was so mad when I asked you, like, who goes first? And you're like, your challenge is first. And I was like, that sucks. And that's just the order it's been in lately. Yeah. It's not.

I actually didn't realize that until you asked and I looked it up. It sucks. Yeah. Too bad. For me. I had to be annoyed, sit here annoyed, festering while we did a whole new episode. Festering my scabies and stuff. Ew!

I was just like, my nuts, my penis. And then later, my penis, and later my penis, my nuts, my ass. This is all over. I've got some deet downstairs. Go ahead. If you want to spray that

all over your nether regions. Always. Yeah, I know you do. Wow, Alexander, that was upsetting. Thank you. Alrighty, y'all. Thanks for that.

If you want to participate in these theme and challenge things. I'm assuming you're saying thanks to Gregory because he's the only one to blame. Gregory, yeah. Blame Gregory.

You can yell at him on the Patreon pages. He's on there. Go yell at him. Or go give him thanks or whatever you want. And then when he reports it to Patreon. As long as you're giving us money, you can do it. We're going to allow it. We're going to say we don't see anything wrong with you yelling at Gregory.

True. What's one patron, you know? What's one Gregory? What's one Gregory? What's one Gregory? We probably have at least two. But no, thank you all for listening. Patreon.com slash Beach2Sandy. TikTok.com slash at Beach.

Okay, just follow us on social media. We're on TikTok too. We're on TikTok. It's fun. Is that how you do it? At? Yeah, you have to put the at, I think. I don't know if you have to

That's right Just look for us, Beach to Sandy We're also posting on Reels And by we, I mean our lovely team That does great work for us And has been putting some great funny moments on there Yeah, they basically clip some of the parts of the show And put them on

With our video With our video Go check it out At Beach to Sandy Wee! Yeah, love y'all Talk to you soon Bye! show and put them on with our video with our video go check it out at beach to sandy uh yeah love y'all talk to you soon um bye beach to sandy water too wet is a forever dog production hosted and produced by zandy and christine schieffer it's edited by brian heveron smith cover art by courtney aventura theme music by mavis white Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bolland.