Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 230: Reviews of Disney Channel Original Movies

Episode Date: April 26, 2023

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They can feel it. Fight together. And team it up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, the new empire. Now playing only in theaters. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet,

a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most patriotic fashion. My name is Andy, hi. The most patriotic fashion? No, God, no. Today, yes. Especially those Cadet Kelly reviews. Okay, I was like, where are we going with this? I see you're already tearing up. My allergies are killing me today.

Okay. I'm going to try my best not to sneeze. I mean, for Brian's sake, who will be editing them out. But no promises, Brian. So we'll see. Okay, it's going to be a rough one for all of us. My sniffles might be present no matter what. I just want to, like looking, now that we filmed these, I just want to make sure my feet are not in the shot because nobody needs that.

Is that why you commented on my looks immediately? What? Because you were like, oh, we're filming this. You better look great. Yeah. You didn't really live up to what I was hoping. Okay. What are you, getting rid of the trash behind you?

Yeah, the trash that you put behind me. You know what? But to speak to the feet thing. Do we have to yes because you brought it up um that's only for patrons patrons you at the 200 a month level we'll get uh the extended cut extended cut which means an extended view which has both of our feet in them. Gross. Yeah. We've just lost. Actually, just the feet. It's just the foot cam.

How did we just lose our entire income? Oh, my God. The foot cam drove them all. I think people would do it. There's at least one person who listens to us who would do it. They'll be deeply disappointed. Yeah, that it's not real? No, that I know that at the state of my feet.

Anyway, let's please get back to the actual okay issue at hand we're doing disney what are they called d-com d-coms disney channel original movies i'd never heard that before you should talk to d-com d-com uh disney plus or minus yeah that's d's podcast yeah is that what this is all about no you've selected this thing i didn't select it. Someone else commented this on Patreon. Was it Dee and a mustache? The podcast is on hiatus anyway. Maybe now it'll be a nice, you know, maybe we'll leverage this.

I thought I saw Dee with a mustache posting on Patreon. That explains a whole darn lot. But no, she texted me about it, of course. And she was like, I can't wait to listen and be annoyed at you and your lack of knowledge. Oh, and by lack of knowledge, like really none. I have none. She meant me, but she'll probably be annoyed at you too. I'm certain of it because we didn't even know we had Disney Channel until one fateful day

when I was in like eighth or ninth grade and I was scrolling through the channels and I passed 65. And I was like, why am I still scrolling? I don't know. All static. And then 71 hit. 71. And boom. Yeah.

There was that lightsaber creating at Disney. You're right. There's nothing else good up there. No. Like there was not. We thought. I think the highest I watched was like Spike TV at 47. Yep.

And VH1 was 45. Yep. And I think like everything above that. Nickelodeon. 28. Cartoon Network, 27. Animal Planet, 26. Isn't it shocking how this sticks in your head?

I mean, this was our life for years, you know. But yeah, you're right. It's weird. I'll never forget. And like sometimes when I pick lottery numbers and yeah, you're right. It's weird. I'll never forget. And like sometimes when I pick lottery numbers and stuff, I pick based on the TV channels I used to watch. Wait, I like that. Yeah, I never win, but that's what I do.

I felt the day that I discovered I had Disney Channel, I remember we were going to dad's house and I was like, if I go to dad's house and also scroll up and find it, I feel like I'm going to rip my hair out because I've spent years thinking everybody has this magical channel that I don't get. It is magical. And I was like 14 when I finally realized I could have had it all along. Yeah. I'm so sorry this is taking so long to get into it. Basically, these are the Disney Channel original movies, my understanding. Dee, correct me if I'm wrong. It's the ones that were aired on the Disney Channel. They didn't have like theatrical releases. Right.

There were so many of them. They're like made for TV, made for Disney. Some quality were like, I don't know. The quality ranged quite a bit. Dramatically. Dramatically. Correct. Some you remember as being just like the peak of your childhood movies.

And some you completely forget because you're like, why did I watch this? Yeah, just why? Why was it made? Yeah. These reviews run the gamut, for sure. I was going to say, is that your review? Basically. What was your favorite, though?

Before we get into it, did you have one that just pops in your head that you're like, this was my favorite Disney Channel original movie? I loved Cadet Kelly. Okay. Because I liked the girl in it. The other girl. Who played even Steven's sister. She has like a three name name. Yeah. Hold on a second. Sorry. She was... Christy Carlson Romano. Christy Carlson Romano. Yes.

She was in Cadet Kelly. Big crush she's very she was i have reviews about that oh great cool cool cool cool um i really well i liked xenon of course and xenon the sequel and then i really liked and the one i couldn't find reviews for it was eddie's million dollar cook-off your nose is running i know i feel it. There's a tissue box. This is rough. Remember that time your nose started bleeding during an episode? In the middle of an episode. I wish we filmed a video for that one. I remember being so mad.

I mean, it was so unbelievable that we had to tell listeners, like, y'all, this is actually happening, and took a picture because it was so bizarre that I was sitting there listening to you and my nose just started bleeding. I should have retired. I like to think it was the last of your brain cells just kind of dying out. Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off. That was a classic. Yeah, I was a big sucker for the sports movies. Of course. This was like a baseball cooking movie where this kid is has to decide between

uh playing in the championship game on the baseball team that his dad coaches and uh and cooking in this like cook-a-thon like this special big event uh that i think bobby flay was i think bobby flay was in it i don't really totally remember but But yeah, and I think in the end, he manages to do both. He disappoints his father, just like we all expected. But no, in the end, the dad's supportive or some shit. I don't know. It's a very stereotypical, I don't know, DCOMs always have that uplifting end, usually.

What is this one that looks like Phil of the future? This is probably not why people all zoomed in, zoomed in on their hovercrafts to listen to this episode what you don't this isn't why people zoomed in on their hovercrafts to listen to this so i don't understand Sorry. I think I was trying to make a seat on joke. And I did not land. I don't really know what I was trying to do. They're here for reviews. Yeah. It's what I'm trying to say.

I wish you had just said that. But I'm excited. What do you have? What do I have? I have Cadet Kelly. Good. From where? Where do you think? I have Cadet Kelly. Good. From where? Where do you think?

Common Sense Media. Yes. So this is a review from Common Sense Media. I feel like today I really made that $3 I spent worthwhile on a premium. Oh, good. That's what I like to hear before an episode. Yeah. So this is a two-star review of Cadet Kelly, and the account is an adult account called

Margaret-Jerry. Oh. Or, I'm sorry, hyphen. So Margaret-Jerry, which I'm assuming are the parents on this parental account. Hey, at least they're a team here, you know? Yeah. Yes. I respect that.

They're like, you know what? Let's not divvy up this one. Let's do this together. Let's do Common Sense Media together. I love that. They're like, you know what? Let's not divvy up this one. Let's do this together. Let's do common sense media together. I love that. Honestly, that was part of their couples counseling homework. They were like, find a passion you both enjoy. It was like shitting on children's movies on the internet.

So Margaret Jerry, an adult, says that Cadet Kelly should be only 10 and up. And so this is a two-star review. should be only 10 and up uh and so this is a two-star review and i i will say it starts with the word the letter i which i don't feel like is in the word teamwork so i think one of them went rogue oh true um do you want want do you do you want me to read this yeah the synopsis because i'm gonna read my cadet kelly reviews next it very short. This is literally all it says on IMDb. A fashion-conscious youngster is horrified when she is forced to move to military school. End of description.

Imagine the horrors of fashion. Basically, she's like this teen who's very bubbly and into pink and fashion and goes to military school and is bullied for it. Yeah, you're about to find out more from Margaret or Jerry. Yeah. Not to be confused with Margaret Jerry. Not Margaret Jerry. Margaret or Jerry.

We don't know who. Absolutely. This is the review two stars. I found, quote, Kelly to be very unpleasant. She continuously talked back and was very rude to her superiors and complained about the military school she was attending wasn't unique and individual. She broke dress code and talked back quite often. I found it disturbing that she had no understanding of why rules could possibly ever be imported. She acted in such a way I can only assume she was never disciplined a day in her life.

And in the end, I don't believe she ever learned. I believe young children may enjoy this movie, but I for one did not. Wow. End of review. Okay, well, at least they kind of summed it up by saying young people would enjoy this movie. That's who this is for. Margaret Jerry. Do you think it's Margaret or Jerry?

I don't know. I don't know. It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell. I have three. So let me, can I just read one of mine? Go for it. Here we go.

Here's a one star out of 10 review titled, Does This Actually Exist? Whoa. Here we go. I really hope this kind of school does not exist. Teaching kids to ditch their developing personality, forget about their interests and passions, and get screamed at and treated like garbage while they're minors so they can't freely decide to undergo all of this?

Who thought this would be suitable for family TV? I don't understand why anyone would put this on TV for kids to watch. Anyone who approved this movie should really check their morals. End of review. So this person and Margaret slash Jerry agreed, but for totally different reasons. And that's what I was going to say. Those kinds of Margaret Jerrys in the world

who are like, oh, this young, bubbly teen is the problem. And then there are the people who are like, thisly teen is the problem. Funky girl. And then there were the people who were like, this military academy is the problem. But thank God military academies don't really exist, and people wouldn't yell at you and expect you to conform to their standards.

The worst, Christina. Thank God that doesn't really happen. The worst that I saw was talking about how they're in J-R Rotzi, or they were someone who was, or they were in like a junior Rotzi program. The reviewer was? The reviewer was. And they were like, this isn't what Rotzi is really like. Oh, for God's sake.

We don't use those things. We don't wear those things. We're more like, it's more strict and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, yikes. It's a fucking Disney movie. Yeah, it would be. Not a documentary. It's not really how the International Space Center actually works is that they have

protozoa come and perform a pop show. I've heard that's not. Zoom, zoom, zoom. So good. I listened to that today. You did not. I did. Because someone was like, in a review I'm going to read later, mentioned the song. And I was like, oh, yeah. Let me listen to that again.

It's been a while. Zoom, zoom, zoom. I forgot about that. Anyway. Clearly, I didn't forget about it that much. That is a Xenon. Xenon original. Girl of the 21st Century reference, if you want.

Yeah. Is it my turn? I think so. Or do you want to do your other? I have two more from, actually, I have three more from Dead Kelly. Oh, my turn? I think so. Or do you want to do your other? I have two more from, actually I have three more from Cadet Kelly. Oh my God. And I have other movies too. So I can just bust through these if you want. I might actually skip one of them. I'll skip one of them. Okay.

So let me just read two more. Okay. It's kind of fun to stay on the same. Is that okay? Yeah. Just stay on Cadet Kelly because I have, I have thoughts. We wouldn't want anyone to mix this up with a different movie. Exactly. You know, God forbid. This one is a one star titled, this is just, further proof that Disney execs should be taken out back and shot.

This was written by FM Corps. FM, I don't know if it's something Marine Corps, like it's a- Oh, it's like spelled corpse. If they're an actual military, have a military background, but they're, yeah, it's spelled corpse. But like not with a body type. Not like the body. Okay. Maybe it's corpse without the E, they just forgot.

True. Yeah. FM radio, corpse. Here we go. I should get hazard pay for reviewing this piece of shit. I work for an ABC affiliate, and by law, I have to watch the absolute drivel that is The Wonderful World of Disney. While I realize that a middle-aged white male may not be the target market for this flick, there's no reason that a family film shouldn't stimulate someone like myself. We could see some moderate form of character development, perhaps send some sort of message concerning discipline and character. But instead, we get the same awful extension of a teenage girl's narcissistic fantasy that she is

far smarter than any adults or authority figures around her. Wrong use of then, they use T-H-E-N, and then they spelled narcissistic wrong. I'm just saying. They're judging this character's intelligence and can't spell. It's just they don't come across a lot of narcissists so when they do, it's extra. Yeah, they only in the mirror and there it's like reversed so it's hard to spell it. I get it. And we wonder why our kids don't respect authority. The TV execs keep greenlighting projects like this should constitute a felony offense that mandates either multiple life sentences or capital punishment.

Some people may say that this may be a little harsh. I can only respond with, you are an idiot. I can only respond with that. Idiot is all caps and there's a question mark. Sure. This should be used as psychological torture in hostage situations. It is that bad. Sure. will only serve to strengthen the worst character trait that your daughter is exposed to in the more than 400 hours of Disney slash MTV crap that they watch every week. If you let them watch this movie, you may as well go out and rent A Nightmare on Elm Street or Gremlins.

It will do less emotional damage. End of review. Oh no! I think the only person being emotionally damaged by this film is this reviewer. Are you okay? I don't understand the point. I... Is it really just,

oh no, a character that lacks discipline? I just... In a TV movie? I mean, I'll tell you what it is. This person clearly hates their fucking job

and like can't get a grip. I mean, they're like, oh, because I work for ABC, I'm required to watch these movies, but there's a loophole. They don't tell me I can talk about murdering my boss on the internet. Holy shit. None of that was a necessary reaction to Cadet Kelly. That's the thing. This isn't

like some cultural phenomenon. Okay, slow down, Alexander. No offense to Cadet Kelly, but it's not like it took the world by, my view of it, it's not like it took the world by storm and oh my god, this is the greatest movie ever. Like, oh, all the young kids are watching this. No, it's just another one of the, and it's a classic to so many people. And a lot of people loved it. It's Dribble. But the fact that this person They said Dribble, right? They said Dribble, yeah. That's not correct. Yeah, instead of Dribble. people loved it it's dribble but the fact that they said dribble right they said dribble yeah that's not correct yeah instead of dribble yeah they said dribble clarifying yeah yeah like the

basketball um yeah no there's so much that wasn't correct in that but um i just they i don't know i'm worried about their co-workers a little bit it's alarming isn't it if you say that the people you work with because it's one thing to be like oh disney execs whatever but then when you're like and i'm also under the same parent umbrella you're basically saying my my co-workers or my the executives at my job should be taken out back in a shot should be sentenced to life in prison anyone who's and I understand they're being dramatic and they're whatever but

this was very intense like saying oh this is the worst movie ever that's yeah okay that's being dramatic but to say that people should be taken out back and shot for this I also feel like if somebody

came home from work like my partner or my friend and they were just bitching about their job and how they had to watch shitty movies it's one thing but like as soon as it gets into the territory of like no you think i'm joking about taking them out no i'm not joking i'm not exaggerating i'm not joking this is like so personal and an overreaction it's the truth and then i'd be like okay we i've lost you've lost me yeah oh god oh no anyway yeah this is this isn't just like a dramatic effect this is this person's genuine letting out their feelings yeah yeah which is not not something i'm a fan of no uh this is one more review this is a spoiler for the end of the film, which I forgot. I probably saw this once in my life, never watched it again. I have no idea. I'm sure I watch it

multiple times. I know. I just don't remember this, but it's hilarious. So spoilers for the ending. One out of ten, titled Not Just Awful, Dangerous Too. Oh boy. I would have been willing to give this a two just because Hilary Duff is cute. If it weren't for the dad rescue thing near the end. This is when the Kelly and Sir find that the Kelly's dad has fallen down the side of a cliff and is lying about 50 feet below on a ledge, apparently unconscious. Sir calls for rescue and medical team. Great.

But then he lets Kelly go to her dad. Oh no. Can't anyone see that it is moronic to rappel down a cliff straight over an unconscious victim? Can you say falling rocks? Then when she gets down there, she flips dad over like a rag doll. Can you say quadriplegic because that's how a trauma victim might easily end up if you move them especially twisting the neck and spine as she did after this scene i almost had to go puke end of review me too after this review this is upsetting

agreed i love that this person watched 98 percent of the movie and went, this is a fucking smash success. And then they got to the ending and they were like, oh no, it's happening. Oh no, they're ruining it with this. This always happens to me. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils.

So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. This is called A Ring of Endless Light. What the fuck is that? It sounds like a Hallmark movie. Yeah, well, it's based on a novel by Madeline lengel who did a wrinkle in time and has still fucked my brain up to this very day um very good books very talked about her yeah i talk about her

a lot because i okay i'm mentally ill but it was about when i said oh you know describing a sense of smell to an alien yes yes an extraterrestrial being extraterrestrial being. This is what I was, you know, a lot of us were reading at like age nine and going, what the fuck? I need drugs. I'm like,

I don't need drugs. I've got Madeline L'Engle, you know what I mean? What if you combine the two? I'm just saying. Imagine our 420 episode, but it's just reviews of a wrinkled.

Or we just read a wrinkled. Oh no. Our 420, when we're recording this, that episode hasn't released yet. Let's scrap it and do it and be like, hey, we changed our minds. We're doing this instead. Honestly, I'm so nervous for that episode to come out, but I will be in a different state.

So at least I'll be in hiding, you know? Okay. So this is a ring of endless light based on a book. And I'll tell you more about it in a minute. But I want to start with the review first. Yeah, review first. This is a one star view by Kid, 11 years old. And the image, the profile image appears to be a broken link.

So I don't know what it used to be, but I'm sure it like has a little mark through it. I know. I'm pretty sad. So this was reviewed a year ago, even though I'm quite confident this movie came out very – 2002. Maybe 2002. Did you just look it up? I haven't read anything about it. I swear to God, Alexander.

That's why I reacted like, oh, after the review, because then I put my phone down and stopped looking. Delicate balance. I stopped looking. This is a one-star review by a kid 11 years old who believes this movie is only for ages 7 and up. One star, and the title is Don't. Just don't. If you like to not waste your time, don't watch. P.S.

Graphic dolphin birth scene. Oh! Oh! That is the most useful review I've ever heard. I'm avoiding this movie. I can't. Really? I'm like, huh. can't really i'm like huh

i wonder what that looks like what adjective did they use graphic graphic dolphin dolphin birth birth those are oh wait that's the noun six exclamation points um graphic dolphin birth scene and so here's the description of the movie uh Common Sense. This is their description. Environmental teen drama has positive themes and dolphins. So I wanted to save that for after we heard about the graphic dolphin scene. Because I was like, what dolphins? That was a thing back then. Dolphins?

Like, what was that? Yeah. Yes. But like, what was that full phrase? Like the... Environmental teen drama. With dolphins. That was like a type of movie that was very popular back then. That's true.

Throw in some whales, like Free Willy. Sure. I feel like Free Willy was like late 80s. Let's do sea mammals, maybe. I don't know. But yes, you know what I mean. Yeah. I feel like that was a very hot thing back then.

Save the dolphins. I mean, SeaWorld maybe had mean. Yeah. I feel like that was a very hot thing back then. Save the Dolphins. I mean, SeaWorld maybe had something to do with it, the drama surrounding SeaWorld. Well, I think the drama didn't come out until later. Oh. But SeaWorld was very popular then. What was that movie that was also a Disney Channel original? Blackfish? Is that what it's called?

No. With Hilary Duff and Christy Carlson Romano? Yeah, it was a classic. Which one was the dolphin again? Or the orca? I don't know. What was that movie called? Free Willy?

Flipper? No, the one about- Blackfish. I thought that's what it was. It was called Blackfish? I'm pretty sure, yeah. Okay, I just want to make sure I got the name right. I think so.

Now I'm not so sure. I'm worried that I just made up the name and then... Oh, yeah, yeah. Blackfish. Okay, that's what I thought. It was confusing because... It stars Tilikum. Like, IMDB says it stars Tilikum, which is the name of this...

Oh, no. Like, the whale. Oh, no. The whale. And I was like, I didn't know this whale had an IMDB page. That's sad. Oh my God. I'm sorry.

This is not funny. The filmography of this whale. It's two films. No. Blackfish and another one called Tilikum Has Died. Oh my God. I'm sorry. But what? This is horrific, Alexander. I'm sorry. But what?

This is horrific, Alexander. I'm so confused. Why is this an IMDB page? Why does this exist? I think about that about my own IMDB page, let alone. Like if you die? No, I'm saying like why do I have one, but why does Tilikum have one?

Tilikum deserves one more than me. I'll give him that. Leave him alone, everyone. Anyway. R.I.P. Graphic dolphin birth scene yeah your turn okay i know you wanted me to talk more about that i'm sorry i'm just very that was a lot um here we go my next one you probably remember this one was that in the book what i'm just thinking no The little one has died?

No, Madeline L'Engle. I'm like, did they have a graphic dolphin birth scene in that book? Because that probably would have also traumatized me as a child. I didn't read that book. Did you read that book? I did. And I'm like, I clearly don't remember. I only remember the.

The Disney execs added that one. Yeah, they were like, oh, I know what all the cool kids are doing these days. Yeah, let's take this a step further. Graphic dolphin sex scenes. Let's take this dolphin shit. Oh, not sex scene. And then I think after the early 2000s. Sex scene.

Jesus. I'm sorry I meant birthing. Yikes. Sorry. Circle of life. That'll be the next. It's a ring of endless life. Oh.

Oh, it's all. It comes together. Now I get it. My next one is a smart house from 1999. Oh, that's a good one. Here's the plot. A teenager wins a fully automated dream house in a competition but soon the computer controlling it begins to take over and everything gets out of control then teenage ben must calm the computer named pat okay at so this is like pat stands for but it stood for something. But so this is basically what inspired the film.

I don't want to know what joke you're about to say. 2001 A Space Odyssey. Yes. Absolutely. How? Pat, I think they should sue. Disney should sue. Disney should sue.

Yeah. They've been ripped off. Yeah. Good idea. The cheap alternative to the smart house. 2001 A Spacezu. Yeah. They've been ripped off. Yeah. Good idea. The cheap alternative to the Smart House. 2001 A Space Odyssey. Yeah. Hey, Smart House had much better reviews.

Exactly. Actually, like, the reviews weren't that bad. It was a great movie. It's 6.1 out of 10, which for a Disney Channel original movie, that's pretty good. It's classic, yeah. Like, most of them were in the fives that I saw. Here we go. Here's a one star, though, titled, One of the Worst Movies I've Ever Seen.

Here we go. Warning, spoilers. It's movies like these that make me wonder what insane people would be shameless enough to put their names on this piece of trash. Spoiler, there's a ridiculous dance scene that made tears come to my eyes as I was laughing at the dork flailing around to a boy band. Dialogue equals terrible. Little girl equals annoying. Dad equals stereotypical. Watch for the laughs, not for the quality. There are some good Disney movies out there. This is not one of them. There's also a scene where the entire family must defend their lives in an exaggerated smoothie malfunction scene.

Parents, this is one movie that you probably don't need to watch with your kids. End of review. Well, I don't know. After that smoothie malfunction. I know. It sounds pretty good. Let's all get the popcorn out. Wow.

It's just the irrational anger that comes forth out of these people. And I think it's funny because when you're a child watching this movie, I don't remember this movie being like cringeworthy or me watching them dance and thinking, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. Like, no, kids don't feel that way when they see this stuff. And also like you're a bully reviewer. Like you're kind of a real bully. You're like, I'm just laughing at him flailing around to some dumb. He's a dork. And she like, I'm just laughing at him flailing around to some dumb. Yeah. He's a dork.

And she's annoying. I mean, yikes. Also, these kids are probably dancing to no music because they have to act. Oh, that's true, too. Imagine. Yeah. Imagine. Give him some slack. Or at least like.

Cut him some slack. It's a scenario where it's. Zoom, zoom, zoom. It feels very uncomfortable dancing. Zoom, zoom, zoom. They have credit or they have rights to uncomfortable dancing. Zoom, zoom, zoom. They have rights to that song. Yeah, Disney only has that song.

They have to keep playing that one. If you watch any Disney-related film, that's what they're all dancing to. That's right. Okay, so I have some stuff from Rachel who sent in reviews of the Lizzie McGuire movie. Oh, my God. I just remembered, which is not a DCOM, but it's acceptable. What? I don't think that's a DCOM, is it? Oh, you just acted like you had something that you just...

Sorry, I just realized that I also have an email. I forgot that that's completely separate. No, so let me explain. Rachel says, so the subject of the email, I feel like I shouldn't be blamed. No, I think it's fair. Because the subject of the email said reviews of DCOMs. And then all the reviews were of the Lizzie McGuire movie. Yeah, yeah.

But Rachel said, you know, this movie premiered in theaters, so it's technically not a DCOM, but it kind of is too. And since when have we let technicality stop us? That's exactly right. So I support it a thousand percent. In fact, they usually encourage us. Yeah, if anything, we're like, oh, content? We'll take it. We don't care.

We don't care. We have zero standards. Did you know that? This is a review of the Lizzie McGuire movie. Do you have any reviews of this film? No. Okay. I only looked at DCOMs.

I'm just kidding. I only looked at emails labeled DCOMs. Is this the one? Sorry. I feel like. Now this one is a classic. I always mix up. So same with like Xenon.

Like Xenon the sequel or Xenon. Like for me, I conflate them. Right. This movie. Does she go to Rome? Yes. Cool. Rides on a Vespa.

Rides on a Vespa. Spoilers. Sing to me, Paolo. Paers. Sing to me, Paolo. Sing for me, Paolo. See, you remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Warning. This is on.

My friends and I, we quote that all the time, so that doesn't. You do? Oh, yeah. Sing for me, Paolo? Yes. That's amazing. Yeah. I know we are.

Warning. Spoilers. It's IMDB, so I guess they let you select that. This is a four out of 10 star review by Charisma36. Did you say it that way because you finally understand what Riz means? Oh, no. Is that what it means? We talked about this.

Yes. Oh, I just said it because they put Charisma with a Z. Riz. Exactly. I get it. Exactly. Okay. It's not razzmatazz, like you said.

But it should be. I don't disagree with you, okay? You were just wrong. Title is, How Could They Do This? I've really been looking forward to this movie. Not because I don't think the whole program is completely dumb, because I do. But because of Gordo. Gordo is a priceless character, someone that you look forward to spending time with each week.

He caught my attention the first time I met him in 2001. Oh, no. Gordo's got a stalker. Yeah. Oh, no. And if it weren't for him, I'd dismiss the show as totally worthless. By the way, for those of you who didn't watch, Gordo is her BFF, a guy who— He's like the will-they-won't-they character.

Yes, he has a crush on her. She's kind of oblivious to it. And he's like the dorky friend, kind of. Okay. He caught my attention the first time I met him in 2001. And if it weren't for him, I'd dismiss the show as totally worthless. I wanted him to have that dame with her... Yeah, her legs were longer than the Eiffel Tower. Her gams.

Yeah. Going from her waist to her feet. With gams like that, I was sitting on the edge of my seat in a manner of speaking. I wanted him to have her, and I knew that their developing relationship was the show's trump card. Then I heard that the series was ending, but there was a movie to salvage everything and bring them together. I watched the movie and was left with one feeling. I had been scandalized, betrayed, and everything was done and there was nothing to fill this void of yearning to know what happens. No one will ever know. The rest of the movie was essentially like the show except with more shots of, little bitty spoiler, people riding around on motorcycles and walking and running and laughing.

Don't know how that's a spoiler, by the way. Wow, I can't watch the movie. I understand it all now. Yeah, the walking around. Corny, worthless shots. I know that everybody that loves Gordo's character as I do will see this movie and leave the theater with the same feeling that I have. And it makes me sick. There was so much potential and they've blown it. It's over now.

Oh, no. So, okay. I just don't remember much. So, was there only one Lizzie McGuire movie? The Lizzie McGuire movie? Yeah. Okay, for some reason I thought there were more, which is why I'm always like, oh, is this the one in Rome? I guess it's the only one. I think it's the only one. Okay, so basically this

reviewer is saying that she and Gordo, that the series should have ended with them together. But it didn't happen. Yeah, and now Gordo and his caring and high morals will have to live a sad life without his true love. Or high morals will have to live a sad life without his true love. Or it's a crush and they're close friends and they realize friendship is more important. Alex and I actually just typed Lizzie Borden instead of... I typed Lizzie Borden movie. The Lizzie Borden movie. She goes to Rome and she's confused with a pop star and ends up famous yeah oh no yeah that got yeah yeah um i

do like that when i type in lizzie mcguire movie it says resume your journey i will thank you google wow gordo so also doesn't gordo play the italian guy like the same actor yeah crazy yes okay i'm pretty sure like there's the italian love interest on the Vespa. There's that weird like flip. Wasn't there that like weird like. It's a great film, you guys. If you haven't seen it. Kind of like a parent trap situation.

Highly recommend. I don't remember it too well, clearly, but I'm very glad that this was brought. Oh my God. His name is Adam Lamberg and I thought it said Adam Lambert. I was like, he's in this? That explains everything. Oh my God. His name is Adam Lamberg. And I thought it said Adam Lambert. I was like, he's in this? That explains everything. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh is right.

This is what dreams are made of. Hey now, hey now. That's a good song. Isabella and Gordo expose Paolo. Remember when he stops lip syncing They turn off They turn on the microphone And then he's like this terrible singer Paolo

That was a great movie It has 5.5 out of 10 40,000 reviews So yeah this is not DCOM level Because it has so many reviews I guess It was definitely a bigger This was a bigger thing. So I would understand more of that

one reviewer who's upset at Disney for this movie. Wait a second. What? They do get together at the end of this. Oh, they do? Then what's the problem? I knew I should Google this because I felt everyone yelling at me. Lizzie and Gordo... Yeah, Dee is not happy with me right now. I'm sorry. No, it's not DCOM. Dee, please.

Sneak away. She's like, I'm not doing anything. I'm just listening. She's like, the flashcards I gave him were all DCOMs. I'm just with me right now. Sorry. No, it's not DCOM. Dee, please. Sneak away. She's like, I'm not doing anything. I'm just listening. She's like, the flashcards I gave him were all DCOMs. I'm just supporting you right now. How dare I? I had no fun facts about outside films. Lizzie and Gordo sneak away from the party to go up to the roof where they promise to

never let things change between them. The two kiss and then rejoin the party before they get into more trouble. Oh. As the film ends with fireworks spelling the end, the animated Lizzie does a parody of Tinkerbell winking at the audience and closing the series. Aw. I think that's a great finale then. So wait a second.

You know what? What's this person's problem? Maybe they had to pee. And they missed the ending. Or they just left early because they were so mad. After all that? What if they watch it watch it that's the real tragedy years later and they're like wait a second they were like i could have been happy

this past 20 years all this time i could have been stopped dming uh adam lambert and telling him how and sometimes adam lambert because i typed in the wrong letter oh man i love, you know I loved Adam Lambert. Oh, yeah. I feel like everyone did. But I mean, I was convinced he would be straight for me. It's just sad. Anyway. I have an email. Cool. This is from Claire Sheher, who sent in, this is Common Sense Media, but I felt comfortable doing this because I don't know if you know this movie. I don't know it. Dee had heard of it,'t hasn't seen it yet uh lemonade mouth uh no exactly me neither but it's hayley kiyoko okay who is an icon it came out in 2011 so you were in college

oh so it makes sense that you wouldn't know can i tell you something what you better believe my? You better believe my first day in that dorm room, I plugged in my little dinky TV and I scrolled all the way up to 71 and there was nothing. I had no cable, nothing. Oh my gosh. Really tough time. Oh, so sad. Because I was like, when Netflix was mostly DVDs, it was a hard time to be in college, okay, youngins?

Okay, they still, like mom's still, or maybe she stopped recently. No, she was getting them up until like. I pay for the Netflix at that house. And like, mom had me pay for the DVDs too. She wanted the DVDs. Because sometimes there's a movie she can't watch on. Yes, folks, they apparently still do that. I don't know if it's still happening.

For two people, probably. Lemonade Mouth. Five high school kids, Olivia, Wendell, Stella, Charlie, and Moe, meet in detention and start a band based on the lemonade vending machine outside the detention room. What the fuck? I feel like I wrote the premise of this when I was sitting in class and saw a lemonade machine outside. But basically, I think a lot of it is These people feel like outcasts for various reasons Like I can guess

Wendell's the nerd Like I can like guess just based on their names Mo's the kind of weirdo What should be wrong? And I'm just like really an asshole Probably That's probably also true Here's a review

Written by DC Sucks A teen who's 13 years old. Wait, this is Common Sense Media? Yes, that's what I'm saying. And I felt comfortable reading these because I wouldn't be looking up this movie. Gotcha. So this is one star for ages two plus.

Whoa. Parents need to know that just like many Disney Channel movies, this has teen characters who are extremely sassy and dramatic over everything. And it is like they just see an instrument for 10 sex, never played it before, and then they are a musician. And life doesn't work like that. This movie is dull and very sassy. There's some cheesy sassy dramatic bullying, a dramatic cheesy kiss and flirting, gross, and some cheesy name calling. For the record, that gross was in the review.

It wasn't me saying that. It did sort of feel for a moment. I know, it was in parentheses, so I kind of said it as an aside. It looked like an aside. But it wasn't my aside. Understood. Just wanted to make that clear. This will turn innocent kids to sassy, dramatic teenage acting kids who are six.

Just don't watch this stupid sassy bassy movie. This movie is so gassy, bassy, stassy, lassie, and sassy and anything that has a assy in it. This movie will make kids turn extremely sassy. And for adults, why would they watch it? This film is so cheesy. It shouldn't even be called a film. Like, go watch a Marvel movie. And yeah, they may be PG-13, but they won't turn kids to sassy teenagers. This movie is for nobody, but common sense is forcing me to put an age, so two plus. But the show is for no one. End of review. Oh my god.

So this is another review of the Lizzie McGuire movie. This is a 6 out of 10 star review. And it's by rockclimbergirl13. Okay. And the title is All Depends on Your Age. And by the way, this was written in 2008. Okay. And the title is All Depends on Your Age. And by the way, this was written in 2008. Okay. So like years after this came out.

Warning. Spoilers. Don't worry. The other girl already ruined the movie. Yeah, we've been spoiled. We know people walk around, okay? Warning. Spoilers. Okay, so I feel the need to defend this movie a bit.

When I saw it, I think I was about eight or nine or something like that. Maybe seven. I don't know. But whatever it was, I was in love with Lizzie McGuire. To me, she was this amazing girl who I could look up to, who was always put together well, who had two amazing friends, who never had any problems that didn't get resolved in 30 minutes. I was a kid. So when I heard the series was ending, I was heartbroken. And then I see a preview. A movie?

One more chance to see my favorite real TV star in action. Thank you, God. So I went, and I absolutely, totally loved this movie. A couple of nights ago, I'm flipping through channels and I happen to come across the Disney channel. They're showing this movie. I decide, what the heck? I loved it years ago. And I realized something. My mom must have unending patience Considering how many times I made her sit through this movie with me I couldn't believe I ever liked this movie It's so cheesy, it's scary Lizzie looks like an idiot That one guy everyone has a crush on

Name? Paolo His name's Paolo slash Gordo Looks ugly as sin And Gordo? Oh Don't even get me started It's the same guy His name's Paolo slash Gordo. Looks ugly as sin. And Gordo? Oh. Don't even get me started. It's the same guy.

Has that been confirmed by us? No, I think maybe there was a Paolo. There was a separate Paolo. She played herself as Isabella. Which maybe I'm just. With dark hair. And then I think we added the Gordo playing another character too. Because I'm pretty sure Paolo was like.

Oh yeah, very different very different right it's like an italian dude um he's actually canadian oh born in miami florida that really does ruin the film for me oh he was in pretty little liars oh gary reynolds cool all right i'm so sorry everyone that was my fault i'm sorry for all those people who are sitting there listening and just seething over our lack of knowledge. This is like the time when I called – when I thought – I feel so silly. That Garcon – what is it? Criminal in Beauty and the Beast.

Or not the criminal. Gaston. The criminal, the villain. Remember when I called him a big candle because I thought he was a big candle the whole time? This is like that. I feel like my knowledge about Disney is so limited. It is. It's kind of painful.

Yeah. But same. I feel like we're similar. You figured out the big candle before the Twitterverse could get to me. But okay. That one guy everyone has a crush on, Name, looks ugly as sin. And Gordo, don't even get me started. Plus, the entire time this figure as a

little girl I had loved is acting like a total idiot. Why did I never notice? Lizzie is such a bimbo. Christ. I mean, Gordy obviously likes her and the Spanish singer, obvious Spanish. Sorry. I think you mean Canadian. Okay. And the Spanish singer obviously is a lying bastard. And the ending? Just wow. So I guess it all depends on your age. If you're a little girl, you're going to love this film more than likely.

Older person? You will either hate it or laugh your ass off at the cheesiness of it. I'm rating a six purely for my old love. End of review. This makes me sad. That does make me sad, too. Like, what? But how do you expect? Talk about being hardened by age, you know?

It's kind of growing up, you know? Yeah, this, like, never meet your heroes, never rewatch your childhood favorites. There's a reason that I don't sit around watching Barney all day. Like, it's not for me anymore. I know. Did you finally stop? I stopped. If anyone...

And that reason is years of therapy finally and by me because i was no it was weird every time we'd record it go home and just watch barney for hours because that's all i could handle and i said i think i'll get to the bottom of this this made it worse um anyway you know it's literally called growing up it's like a kids movie for a reason You're not going to like the same stuff that you liked when you were a kid Do you know what this I was watching Leona the other day She was like pushing a little car

On the sidewalk and I'm like That doesn't look fun at all You're like sitting down Drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper You're like I don't get it This isn't fun But it's fun for her because it's a fucking baby of course sad but today at little gym um they got the bubble machine out and all the kids went running and the mom next to me just under her

breath goes i wish i was still a kid and i was like oh my god this is and i was like haha yeah same and then it was like really quiet and i was like oh my gosh because, you used to be, it was so easy to be entertained back then. Yeah. And then they turned it off and then they were like more with sign language and she turned it back on and they all freaked out. And the other woman on the other side of me who hadn't even heard that first one was like, it's like they've never seen them before. Yeah.

It's so funny. Anyway, I don't know where I was going with that except. And honestly, for this reviewer's mom I bet the mom really enjoyed seeing do you know what I hope for this child to be fair too I love that it was like when I was a kid

so they were either 7, 8 or 9 and this when did this movie come out? let me see Lizzie McGuire movie came out in 2003 so this was 5 years later When did this movie come out? Let me see. I don't know. Lizzie McGuire movie came out in 2003. So this was five years later, Oxenher. Wow. So they were like 12.

They were literally 12, 13, or 14 when they wrote this review. Yeah. So it's like, you know, that teenage phase where you're like so, you know, embarrassed by your younger self. And then you'll probably cycle back and be like, oh, I can appreciate. This reminds me of sometimes when I read my old journals, those are only the dark days, but when I do read my old journals, I will find that I went back and like annotated them years later and just wrote really mean things about myself. Like what kind of idiot listens to Backstreet Boys? And it's like, okay. We all had that phase where we like wholly rejected who we were.

Yes. Yes. And it's like, what an idiot that girl was, you know? And I'm like, wow. Because it makes you feel like, oh, cool. I'm above this now. Yes. I'm like better than that.

And then one day you can accept all versions of you. Well, not all. I hope to get there someday. There are definitely parts of me that I don't accept and I'm glad are very good. Agreed. I'm glad we're both on the same page about that. Do you have any other ones? I sure do.

Great. My next one is of the Cheetah Girls. For those who don't know. Four teens aim to take the world by storm with their music. 4.8 out of 10 on IMDb. It's about a lemonade machine outside. We couldn't pay for somebody to make more music. 4.8 out of 10 on IMDb. It's about a lemonade machine outside. We couldn't pay for somebody to make more music. No, Cheetah Girls, I have the soundtrack. That is a classic. Yeah, that was definitely. But it's only 8,000 reviews on IMDb. It's not even that much.

Maybe we were just in that social dip. And it seemed so much bigger because we were part of it. Of course, us being that age, we weren't writing IMDb reviews. Oh, sure. True. So anyone who's writing these are usually like, oh, wow, revisiting this after this many years. Or, oh, my gosh, my child loves this and I hate it. Okay.

So that's why these reviews are always so stupid and unnecessary. It's not helpful. Yeah, no. Because this is for a child, not for you anyway. Here we go. So one-star review, and it's titled, titled yeah this is pretty much the worst movie on tv oh have you tried scrolling up to 71 oh wait oh well that's where they are on 71 and then you go to 72 and 70 and you're not finding anything else good tragic i feel like 71 was around like all the old person old people tv

you had to skip because nickelodeon and Cartoon Network were so close. And then MTV and VH1. And ESPN was like 30. Like they were all like. Yeah, so you didn't really think to go there. I mean, apparently everybody else did. I just didn't. Yeah, MTV was 35.

It's like you don't need anything beyond that. And then, of course, like the early numbers are the local like news. Was 38 ABC Family? Yes. Oh my God. Now known as Freeform. What? Now known as Freeform. But yes. My God, my brain should not retain that. That's not relevant. I feel like in the nursing home one day I'll be like typing in like, 35. I want to watch Teen Mom. I want to watch Room Raiders. Room Raiders. Next. Can we do it?

Did we already do that? Room Raiders? No. I feel like we talked about MTV shows. I feel like we talked about them though. We did reality shows. We did reality shows, which included some. Yeah.

Okay. Anyway, here's this one star review of Cheetah Girls. Great. This movie was terrible. I was expecting something average because it's Disney Channel, but what I saw blew me away. It was so bad. I can't understand how it was so well liked by girls or guys. The songs were trash, the acting

was terrible, and that was not a story. The ending was just the worst part. The dog is stuck in a hole, and they get it out by singing? That was bad. I don't understand that. This, in my opinion, is the worst movie on TV. The second one looks no better. Don't waste your time. Bad movie. End of review. The dog gets stuck in another hole.

Same story. People are not pleased about the whole dog aspect of this movie. I'll be honest. I don't remember it, but it sounds stupid. But it's a fucking decom. When they first started saying, oh, this acting is terrible. You call that a story? I was like, yeah, I do.

You know what? I do. And they did great. And then they were like, there's a dog in a hole and they sang to get it out. And I was like, maybe I committed too hard to supporting this plot because I don't seem to remember a dog. It was like Cadet Kelly when you're like, you find out at the end that she's rappelling down't seem to remember a dad. So like Cadet Kelly when you're like you find out at the end that she's rappelling

down a cliff to save her dad and like maybe paralyzes him from the neck down. And maybe actually hurting him more. Yeah.

You're like ooh okay. They have a point. When you put it that way. Yeah. I have a review of a movie I like to call Xenon Girl of the 21st Century. Nice.

This film came out in 1999. So in the 20th century. Yes, exactly. The tail end of it. Do you know what year this movie was set in? 2049, I think. That's right.

I saw a review. I swear, I'm not looking at it right now. I think my review has that. When I initially wrote this out, I didn't even realize it at first. I wrote, came out in 2049, set in 1999. And I was like, that can't be right. It literally can.

No. Right now, it looks like you're still thinking about it as if that might be possible. I'm confused. 2049 hasn't happened yet. Yeah, I know. In this timeline, in like our timeline. That's what they want you to think. Oh, no. military's involved in

this one too that's right this one this one goes all the way to the top i'm talking illuminati you know what i mean uh i'm gonna say no okay for my own safety i'm gonna say no i don't know what you mean this is xenon girl the 21st century it's my last review and oh it was written two months ago okay mine also my last one is also from Xenon Girl of the 20... What's it called? Xenon Girl of the 21st Century? Yeah, of 1990, well... Of 1999.

So, it's not from... Do you want me to read the description? Oh, sure. An inquisitive teenager pries into suspected dodgy dealings on her space station home and ends up being sent down to earth yeah apparently she got in trouble by the main guy on the ship and then gets sent down to earth and then gets bullied yeah yeah and then xenon the sequel i think doesn't that like fully take place like in outer space yes and then that one was my favorite mine too yeah uh and then xenon z3 was the third one yeah i don't remember that one really.

This is a four-star review. So, well, do you have one more? Mm-hmm. It's a negative? Mm-hmm. Okay, do you want to read that first? Oh, yeah, and then a redemption? Yeah.

Here is a, I think it's a two-star out of 10 review of Xenon Girl of the 21st Century. Uncalled for. Two out of ten. Yeah. The title is, wow, 2049? Like, that's going to happen. Good observation. Honestly, we need more wise people like this in the world.

It's like 2001 A Space Odyssey, you know? So accurate. It's exactly the same. And anyone who called that out was really smart. I have to totally disagree with the people before me. For one, Kristen Storms, question mark, can't act for her life. I am 13 and I watched Xenon Girl of the 21st Century when I was like nine and I still successfully hated it. Really, the plot goes nowhere. The characters are pointless and the cool and futuristic language is really lame.

Sorry to pop your bubble folks, but the whole movie is pointless. And not even entertaining pointless, stupid pointless. Maybe it could be considered a good movie just so you could laugh at its insane stupidity. The best part of the movie either is the insane costumes or the ending song. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Definitely the song. Zoom, zoom, zoom. You make my heart go boom, boom, boom. My supernova girl. I forget how it goes. I've lost the thing. I've lost the plot and the melody. My supernova girl, definitely the song. It would get a one, but the song upgrades it to a two. End of review.

What was definitely the song? They were saying like the best part is either the insane costumes or the song. Then they like sang the song and they said definitely the song. Yeah, they're like, I made up my mind. I know this is a child, so whatever. Like I probably would write this shit when I was 13. Yeah. But I love how when reviewers

act like they did something where they're like, sorry to pop your bubble everyone because I wrote this review I ruined this movie for you. Sorry. As if anyone's going to read this and be like, okay. This is where I kind of turn and I'm like, yeah, Alexander, that's hilarious and you just see one tear rolling down my eye

because they totally burst my bubble and ruined my day. I'm like, yeah, it would be ridiculous if anybody let this get to them. I understand and you just see one tear rolling down my eye because they totally burst my bubble and ruined my day. I'm like, yeah, it would be ridiculous if anybody let this get to them. I understand if they brought up some insane fact about the movie, like, oh, there was a lot of terrible stuff going on on set and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sorry to burst your bubble.

That's one thing. Right. But them just saying, like, this movie sucks. Sorry to burst your bubble. It's like, no, you don't. I liked this movie when I was nine and such a fucking loser it's like oh god yeah they were in that phase i know it is it's like i can't believe i ever liked this and it's like and they're probably now just like because this was written what 2004 they were 13 in 2004 i was 13 in 2000 exactly and so now

did i write that like, now they're probably like us, like, oh, what a fun movie that was. Is that a picture of my journal where I'm just annotating everything I used to like? I swear there was one where it was like, my favorite bands or whatever, and I put, like, Destiny's Child and all this stuff, and then I wrote later, like, who the heck

listens to this crap? It was not about Destiny's Child, but some other band. But now, like, whatever it was, I'm sure now it's cool to say that you listen to them. We're like, I don't know. Definitely nothing to be embarrassed by. When people say they're embarrassed that they went to Backstreet Boys as their first concert, I'm like, that is so kick-ass. That was a thing.

But now it's no longer an embarrassing thing. Not at all. At least at our age. And people I know who say that, they're like, say it proudly. Yep. Which they should. It's classic. I think that's like Jonas Brothers now is becoming that. Oh, yes. Like that kind of that time period now is kind of starting to become more cool. Like teen pop. Like, oh, yeah. Like I saw

I don't know. Remember the Jonas Brothers movie? Well, now like Big Time Rush is touring again or some shit. Oh, my God. Remember when Jonas Brothers movie? Well, now Big Time Rush is touring again or some shit. Oh, my God. Remember when? Remember when Protozoa was on tour and we saw him live? Zoom, zoom, zoom. I don't remember this one. We took our hoverboard there, I think. Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. Okay, this is a four-star review. Redeem us. Redemption of Xenon. Our final DCOM review. What? Our final DCOM review. This is Xenon, Girl of the 21st Century.

Four stars by Kitties and Puppies. A teenager who's 15 years old and wrote this two months ago. And they believe it's for ages seven and up. And the title of their review is Spunky Teen Rocks Earth in Fun Adventure. A fun film the whole family will enjoy.

Xenon Girl of the 21st, has no objectionable content at all. Expect some very mild teen crushes and flirting, as well as a little peril that is quickly resolved. Positive messages about being flexible and trusting in others are also present. This title contains great messages and great role models. And no sexy stuff. No sexy stuff. End of review. That's what we want out of our Disney movies.

I realize I had originally read it wrong because I thought it said instead of expect, I thought it said except. So I thought it said it has no objectionable content except some mild teen crushes and flirting as well as a little peril that is quickly resolved. I was like, wait a second. But I misread it. They're saying expect. Expect a little peril. It's okay. This is a very solid review.

Positive messages about being flexible. I mean, not literally. I figured. Well, I'm not sure. I just was checking with myself. It's not like big comfy couch. Oh, that did have positive messages about me. Not being flexible.

But it didn't really work on me. It didn't work on either of us. One time I told Allison Goforth. It worked on major bedhead did some work on me. Whoa. What? That sounded really weird. I'm so sorry.

I don't know what happened. You can tell me. I'm your therapist. No. I'm saying I'm often walking around with bed head. I like rolled out of bed and came here basically. You know what I, you know what?

Jesus Christ. You know what I often do? What? Lie, lie, you pencil and fire hanging from the telephone wire. I love it. Alexander.

So good. Um, I, one time in college, my roommate Allison was like, what's a big comfy couch? And I was like, this can't stand. And she grew up in South Carolina. Christina, you did not. Carolina. What? Did you make Allison watch the comfy couch?

No, because remember, we didn't have anything but Netflix DVDs in the mail. And I couldn't wait for a major bedhead to deliver by USPS. So you invited him over or something? No. So I did the clock stretch. No, you didn't. Well, I didn't. But I tried.

You didn't. You physically couldn't. I didn't. I didn't. Prove it. Should I prove it? That's on our Patreon. $300 a month.

And I'm not, I have nothing to do with it nothing to do with it 400 we unblur the feet um no i did the clock stretch and she was like this has not brought me any more clarity on what no nor nor should it like that would be troubling if that was like ah yes now i get it i get it so my point of reference was the clock stretch uh lunette the clown was her name she had a doll named molly where but it was her talking the whole time or it was a pup hand puppet and then a liar liar pants on fire song so i gave all of that information allison yeah and she felt unsettled i think think. Understandably. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a very difficult show to explain. It really does feel like we've invented it in our minds.

So many of those shows, too. Like, oh, yeah, there's a dinosaur who's purple and green with a friend named BJ. But he's not real. He's in imagination. Or is he? Or is he? He looks pretty damn real to me. Teletubby, same thing.

What, 10-foot tall creatures of different colors that have a vacuum? That capture you in your red bag. I don't know. In your little red bag at the petting zoo. Oh, that was Gregory. Never mind. Sounds a lot. Okay.

That was Gregory. I forget what we were talking about, but that was it on my end. Great. That was it for me for the theme. Oh, God, there's more, isn about, but that was it on my end. Great. That was it for me for the theme. Oh, God, there's more, isn't there? It's time for my challenge. Oh, my. My challenge was from Sam Sheher, whose challenge idea is to find reviews that people wrote about being out of business during a natural disaster.

Right. So I've experienced that before. Yeah, where were you? I was at a Urban Outfitters in LA during an earthquake. And it was a pretty, like the probably- One to five stars? How would you rate it? The earthquake was a pretty solid one. Solid one or solid earthquake?

It was a solid earthquake. So I don't know what that means. Is that good, bad? It was scary. So should I rate it low? But it was a- A powerful? It was a solid earthquake. So I don't know what that means. Is that good? Bad? Yeah. It was scary. So should I rate it low? But it was a powerful. It was impressive.

Right. So maybe I should give it a four. It didn't cause any damage, which is why. And they got all those records in there. Yeah, exactly. But what happened was I was there and I was looking up and I saw the, I feel like I've talked about this, but whatever. I don't remember this.

The chandelier, like their lamp, whatever that they were selling was like started moving first. That was the first thing I saw move. And I saw a vent and I was like, oh, must be like the AC just kicked on. And then suddenly the floor starts going like waving, like it was like undulating. I don't know how to, it's hard to explain the feeling of like being in a building during an earthquake. When you see like a building, like a really tall building like swaying yeah and they're like no that's a good thing yeah it's supposed to do it on purpose so that in the wind it's flexible and

i'm like i know that's a good thing but it's really unsettling oh my god to watch some kind of like especially in new york you see some of those weird tall thin buildings and you're like this it physically looks like it shouldn't exist yeah it's like defying physics yeah it's like when you think about how an airplane works too long and you have no reference for aerospace engineering and you're sitting on an airplane that kind of experience is not fun yeah it's like and how they say on airplane when there's a turbulence or on an in an airplane when there's a turbulence. On an airplane or on an. In an airplane when there's turbulence. My name is Shirley.

What? When there's turbulence. Okay. What the fuck? Did you just like butcher a reference just to seem. My name's not Shirley. Don't call me Shirley. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I know. My version goes, my name is Shirley. You've never even seen the movie. I've seen Airplane. Obviously, I can't defend my You've never even seen the movie. I've seen Airplane. Obviously, I can't defend my stance. I don't believe you. I'll never believe you. Obviously, nobody believes me, but I promise I am.

Do the stretch from Airplane. Do the stretch where he's in a knot on the cover? The clock stretch. See, I know about Airplane. I've seen the DVD cover. Good job. The plane is in a knot. Yeah, it's a stretch.

It's quite a stretch. Okay. Anyway, anyway, how they say when you hit turbulence, it's like hitting a pothole on the street where it's like, oh, yeah, it's bumpy. Don't worry. But nothing bad happens. But they're like, yeah, you know, it only drops like 10 feet at a time. It was like someone said like a certain amount of feet. I'm like, that's a lot.

They're trying to comfort you. They're like, yeah, but you're this many thousand feet in the air. I'm like, I don't care. They're like relatively speaking, that's like a millimeter. It makes sense and it does kind of help, but then you think about it more and you're like. You can't think about it too much. When I sit in a plane, I can't help but think about it. There's nothing else to think about. That's what on a pin is for. Especially when their freaking Wi-Fi is down. I should get free Wi-Fi because I have T-Mobile and guess what? It's down every time. How dare they?Fi because I have T-Mobile. And guess what? It's down every time. How dare they?

Anyway. This is the dumbest podcast. I have a review of Hampton Inn in Joplin, Missouri. This can't be good. I don't know what it is, but it's just random enough that I'm like, nothing good can be coming here. I have been in Joplin, Missouri. Have you? Yeah, I spent the night there.

On the way to South by Southwest? Nope. On the way to... I spent the night in St. Louis on the way to South by Southwest. That's right. On the way to LA once. Tim and I, I think. Joplin.

Maybe it was dad and I. I don't know. But I don't know. Oh my God. Why are you always getting them confused? My two fathers. My two dads. Here we go.

Four stars. Four stars. Sort of written over 11 years ago. Wow. This is by Natalie. I stayed here while on business, and being from sunny Southern California, Joplin is quite a change of scenery. The Hampton Inn is located near a lot of other hotels, along with restaurants all on the same city block. There is plenty of parking.

They even have side entrances so you don't have to walk in from the front lobby. During my five-night stay here, there was an earthquake that hit the night before, so we were feeling some aftershocks, as I was told. I kept thinking my hotel room was haunted because my stuff kept falling off the counters, but I'm glad to know it was due to aftershocks and not actual ghosts. Wait, okay, I feel like I'd be like, sorry, bring the ghosts back. I don't think I want to be falling over. I don't want to die in a fucking Hampton Inn. I feel like a ghost is less harmful than an earthquake. Agreed.

I agree. In addition to the earthquake, there was a thunderstorm in which lightning struck a generator and power for the whole block was out. in which lightning struck a generator and power for the whole block was out. I was in the hotel room trying to wrap up some work and this was around 11.30 p.m. at night, so it made it even scarier that power went off. Luckily for me, I was able to wake up my coworker and we both walked down to the lobby

to see what was going on. Lucky for me and not my roommate, I was able to rouse my roommate from a peaceful slumber to make her figure out why the power was out. That's great. Walking down hotel hallways when the light is off is really scary. And it seems like it could be a scene from a scary movie. So we get down to the lobby and we pretty much scared the receptionist at the front desk.

I don't know. Because you're holding hands down the hallway in the dark like the Shining. Matching nightgowns. If you wear weird nightgowns to bed, this is what's going to happen. I don't know why they would staff a female employee to do the night shift. Not to be sexist, but it's just terrible. Women can't do that. Not to be sexist, but women shouldn't do that.

They shouldn't be paid at nighttime. They shouldn't be paid. That's what it's about. It's dangerous. That's what it's about, yeah. I mean, but there are businesses that have rules like, rules in place for, like, you know, women can't go to or need accompaniment to, like, bring garbage out to the, for, yes, very good reasons. Well, unfortunately, it's terrible reasons. They're disproportionate.

Yes, but disproportionately. But, like, they have sound logic. Yeah, so. Anyway, we ended up chatting with her for a few hours until I got too tired and went back to my room. And everyone else was like, you brought us down here. Well, they were probably like, oh, let's keep her company. Let's hang out. And then she's like, I'm tired.

While it's pitch black, she has to work the overnight shift. It's dark. And then she turns to you and goes, my room is haunted, you guys. And they're like, no, that's an earthquake. And this is when they find out. I'd like to think they spent the next two hours talking about ghosts and stuff. Ghost stories. The power was still out, but the hotel receptionist was super nice and gave me a candle jar to take back to my room.

The hotel employees are definitely friendly and will go out of their way to make your stay as comfortable as possible. End of review. The rest was just detailing the breakfast and the beds. And it was all pretty glowing. I thought it was just going to be like, I had this bad experience in a natural disaster, so screw this place. But it actually ended up being very thorough.

That's what I'm saying, yeah. But also, I don't understand when they say, being from sunny Southern California, the room started shaking and I thought I was a ghost. And I'm like, are you actually from Southern California? Because I think your first thought would be... Earthquake. Earthquake. Earthquake.

You'd think. I thought it was going to be a tornado. I mean. Thinking about where it is. Yeah. No, true. Because, yeah, we've experienced so many earthquakes. A lot.

In LA. Multiple a year. Why do you think I left? That is actually one of the reasons. It sounds like a joke. But as you know. You're still, you're scared of the big one. I know.

Very. I know. I have friends in san francisco and sometimes i think i should see them one more time before they fall into the ocean i'm sorry i shouldn't have said that out loud no you shouldn't have i'm just sanford listen why do you think we're we said no to all those san francisco tour dates that are offered us they're begging us kidding no one's begging us not one person has asked fans have don't Don't worry. I've seen it. Have you? Yes. I think that's an urban legend. Wow. Imagine the campfire years from now. Urban legend of that one fan who wanted beach too sandy, water too wet to come to San Francisco.

Fascinating. And then the person left goes, but San Francisco fell off of the United States. What is that? The child is like, I've never heard of that city. San Francisco, mister. Wow. Yikes. Scary story. I hate it. Listen close.

I hate it. I don't want to listen. I'm sorry. I know everybody living there is like, what the fuck, Christine? I'm sorry. I don't know why, but I mean, I find a fear in just about every location and situation. So don't worry. It's not just you. What's your Kentucky fear? I about every location and situation. So don't worry.

It's not just you. What's your Kentucky fear? I mean, oh, geez. What do you think, Alexander? Where to begin? What do you think? Where to begin? I assume it has to do with... Carry.

Rifles. What did I say? Open carry, but just carry. Yeah, that's the one. American gun culture. So maybe I'll go back to the big one and just let it take me out. I'd rather that happen. I honestly would rather be... Everyone's like, no! I don't want to the big one and just let it take me out. I'd rather that happen. I honestly would.

Everyone's like, no! I don't want to get smacked away. Okay. How about that just doesn't happen? You know? Let's have none of it, maybe. How about let's move on. Okay.

Five stars of Wisdome LA. Oh. It's Wisdom with an E. I think it's a dome. I don't fucking know. You think it's a dome? Like the location? It's like an art gallery E. I think it's a dome. I don't fucking know. You think it's a dome? Like the location? It's like an art gallery thing.

Oh, okay. It's an immersive art and music dome park. It is literally a dome. Wow. LA has it all. LA has it all now, officially, now that they have a Wisdom. I've been waiting to check that last thing off the list. I'm struggling to find pictures of the outside, but yeah, inside like trippy artwork and stuff. Yeah I have a glorious image in my

mind so don't ruin it. I will not. I have no interest in that. This reviewer might but it's a five star review. Here we go. This is by Daniela. I came here with a friend and we've never been to a place like this before. This is a spot filled with different types of modern art along with music that would speak for the artwork as it would light up. It's set up to where you enter domes with high ceilings. Each dome contains its own artwork and its own aesthetic individual art display. Unfortunately, when we had gone, there was an earthquake and we were too afraid to go back in and finish the rest.

But we were pleased with what we had seen up until then. This makes your Urban Outfitter story look like nothing. They're looking up at a dome and it starts shaking. Yeah. They're like, the AC must have kicked on, right? Imagine all the people who came, like, had an edible or something to go experience this dome art. And everything's shaking. They're like, uh-oh oh this is how i how it ends

and then christine whispers it's the big one and everyone's like stop doing that every time we leave the house i swear the one i remember there was an earthquake and i was sitting on the couch with blaze and i just remember juniper noticed it first and he like jumped up and froze and we were like a ghost yeah and then i guess this happens more than you think and then um yeah the lights just started like i mean i thought they were gonna fall off the ceiling yeah it's scary and like i remember for the one of the big ones i was on like the second floor of a not too big wide house so it was like very like wavy wobbly and yeah it was scary it's like i don't know like in the moment you can't think rationally you're not gonna be to be like, oh, this is going to be over in a couple moments. It's like, you're like, oh, this is it.

Your whole instinct is like, cool. The world is shaking. Let me see what I can do to make sure that I don't die here. Yeah. Let's go into a bathtub or some shit. I don't, don't listen to my advice. Yeah. I think you go inside a door frame. That's what I did at Urban Artifact. That's a brewery. Urban Outfitters. I was under this like big frame, door open frame.

You did that at the brewery too. They were like, what are you doing? And you were like, well, just in case there's an earthquake. I had a little too much marijuana that day. That's what I'm saying. Because you thought it was an art exhibition. We were like, it's just a brewery, but okay. Anyway. Yeah. Wait, hold on. I'm saying because you thought it was an art exhibition. We were like, it's just a brewery, but okay. Anyway.

Yeah. Wait, hold on. I'm holding on. There is a- Is there an earthquake? Is that why we're holding on? Hold on tight. Here we go.

Remember that earthquake podcast I listened to? Yes, Garcia. It was so good. Yes. Why are you singing like that? It was like about earthquake preparedness, no? It's called The Big One. Wasn't it NPR?

No, it was, well, I think it was LA Times. No, LA Radio or something. LA Times, LA NPR? Yes. LA Public Radio? Yeah. The Big One, Your Survival Guide. It's a great show.

I don't know. I don't know who made it, but somebody smart made it. Yeah. And the episode's detail, like, you know, what to do. That's a good one. Okay, good. So don't listen to Zambie. Don't listen to us.

Listen to that. Yes. And, oh, it's by the LAist. Sorry. Oh, okay. And also, I think if there's a tornado, you go in the basement. Yes. Or a bathtub.

Yeah, I think bathtubs is just a general good place to be. Gotcha. bathtub? Yeah, maybe. I think bathtubs is just a general good place to be. Gotcha. Don't listen to that. I'm just kidding. I don't know if that's true. We can't stress this enough. We have no idea

what we're talking about. Lightning, don't get out of your car. I think. Don't get. I think you stay in your car. Don't you love when you're like, oh, I know what to do. Same with,

actually tornadoes too. Stay in your car. But you know what? What? When you're like, you know, I know exactly what to do and then you're like,

you either do this or you absolutely cannot do that. It's like, it's very important that you either get out of the car or do not get out. Let's just hope that I have cell service. And can Google. And can Google. The problem is everyone will be Googling it at the same time. So just make sure you type. I mean, they say shelter in place. Does that include a car? I don't know. Yeah. I feel like it does. It doesn't include running out of the car into the... Right. That's what I think. Unless there's a shelter right there.

So I don't know. Great point. Like if there's a tornado shelter right where your car is, maybe get out, risk getting out just to get in there. But I don't know. How convenient for you. Yeah. So happy for you.

Lucky you. It sounds like I'm being bitter, but really, I'm very happy that you're able to find a tornado shelter. It did sound very bitter. I didn't mean it like that. Speaking of tornadoes, here is a review of a Hardee's. Oh, no. I told you to go to the tornado shelter, not the Hardee's.

Hardee's is like a chain drive-thru fast food place. Here's a one-star review. This one is in Lake Panasoffkee, Florida. Uh-oh. One star. This is by Laurel. Terrible customer service. There's a tornado warning in the area, so I stopped here to seek shelter.

I even purchased food. And after I sat down, one of the employees sarcastically asked me if I noticed the dining room was closed, and I explained about the tornado warning, and I was seeking shelter. She just rolled her eyes at me and walked away. They can't possibly be concerned with COVID because nobody had masks or gloves on. She just didn't want to do more work than she had to. People's true colors come out. Ridiculous. Hardys better hope nothing happens to me or my family will be suing their ass. So rude and disrespectful. Do better, Hardys, hope nothing happens to me or my family will be suing their ass. Oh my God. So rude and disrespectful.

Do better Hardys to train your employees right to treat customers the way they want to be treated. The way they want to be treated. Not deserve. Just the way they want. That's a good distinction. Was she out in the parking lot like, I better not get swept away by this tornado or we're going to sue. Let me go into Hardys and eat there. Like literally.

It's. Like it's ridiculous. It's bananas to me that. I Googled it just so I can say this definitively. If you're in a car during a tornado warning or during a fucking tornado. Also, I did some research. You're literally letting us all. Sorry. You're leaving us.

Stay in the car with the seatbelt on. Put your head down below the windows. Cover your head with your hands in a blanket coat or other cushion if possible. Jesus. I'm scared already. But Christina, there was no, there was like a very minor tornado a few years ago, like around when this review was written, fairly far north of here. So they probably just had that siren going like, hey, like, just beware. There's something going on in the area. But that's not a like, hey, go to the nearest Hardee's and sit down. You can stay in your car for that or you can go home.

I just love her sitting there and they're like, the dining room's closed. And she's like, I'm shouting. She has her mouth full. She's like, didn't you hear my life is in danger? And they're like, why are you eating a hamburger? Exactly. It's like that is not an acceptable reason to ignore their rules. She's like, you have to keep this place open for me because there is a tornado warning.

I understand if you're ordering, you're standing there ordering and there's like this crazy alert to everyone's phones, like stay in shelter in place. And then you're like, hey, look, this is telling me. But this was like, oh, man, there's a tornado nearby. Let me go have a burger at Hardee's. I'm pretty hungry. It's not what you do. No one recommends that. Unless she was like, this is my last meal. I got to get some of those fries in me. And then the first instinct is, let me sue Hardee's for not letting me. Like, what? I like the idea of anything happens to me.

Like, you're gonna get swept away and your family's just gonna inherently know. That Hardee's? This is what she would've wanted! To sue Hardee's as her final wish. Oh, I think she'd let all her family know. It's probably already written down. It was on video, Facebook Live. She was like, I'm going to Hardee's. Leaving the Hardee's.

Oh, I thought you meant she was. No, being like, they're treating me like this. We're going to sue. I have this on video. You're kicking me out during a tornado warning. You know what? You're probably right. I thought you were saying that she was at home and she was like, okay, guys, I'm going

to Hardee's. There's a tornado warning. And she documented it for everybody. But I see what you're saying. So I wonder if it was also just a tornado watch. There's like like a different varying levels but also there was a tornado like in that area not in that area in an area that was like adjacent area adjacent so i'm like yeah it sounds dangerous but like you're supposed to stay in your car you're not supposed to go into hardy's so don't be mean to those employees capitalism isn't

gonna let them like go shelter anywhere yeah they're lucky they're lucky to keep working and dealing with people like you anyway um i wanted to read that because it was a nice little negative uh throw that in there and then i'm gonna read this one of a pizza hut. This pizza hut is in Broken Bow, Oklahoma. Okay. This is a five star review. This was written by Sasha. Where do I begin? Literally life-saving service. There was a tornado and the staff let us shelter there until it passed. All-star team who got our pizza out timely and tasty.

10 out of 10. Recommend. End of review. What a kind... What a delight. What a delight. Literally life-saving. Literally life-saving.

We just didn't kick you out. I mean... Yeah. We would have been probably... They're like, we don't give a fuck. We'd be life-threatening if we pushed you out into a tornado, but I guess thanks for the props for being a hero, you know. They let me stay here during a tornado.

Well, you did order a pizza, so I think they were legally required to let you. They were. I think they were. See, if they had a closed dining room policy. Right. Maybe they would have been like, sorry. But I also believe that this place, I didn't look up Broken Bow, Oklahoma, but it's Oklahoma. And I feel like Oklahoma has a lot of tornadoes.

Fair point. So this one feels more, I don't know. Florida has tornadoes, don't get me wrong. But like, I looked the past, there's a whole website where you can look at the past however many years and all the tornadoes reported within florida yeah where this person was was not like a tornado hot spot i'll just say that well i don't think she's ever been around one yeah it feels like a new experience to everyone which is scary which is scary i don't get me wrong that's a scary thing okay what if it was like tornadoes are not scary and that's the

stance that we have that's like our thing being from ohio i mean that's that's something that people like when i moved from ohio to california and people people were freaked out like oh my god earthquakes oh my god uh wildfires and then i was there and i was like oh yeah the wildfires are nowhere near me like don't worry right people from Ohio were always texting me like, are you okay? Are you okay? I'm like, oh yeah, I'm in LA. There are no wildfires. There are like on the outskirts. To be fair, we definitely had to wash some ash off our car many times. Oh yeah. I had to transport like chickens and deal with a bunch of rescue animals and rescue the rescue animals who were

when... Literally a photo of when Malibu was on fire, right? Yeah. So Malibu had all these terrible fires. And so there's so many animals out there and he had to put these chickens in a bathroom. My former boss had a rescue ranch basically where all these animals that are rescued from a lot of meat industry or fell off a truck on the way to slaughter, things like that. A lot of horses and donkeys and chickens. And the chickens were all in the bathroom, yeah, at the recording studio. He sent me a photo.

I was out of town, and I was like, someone needs to go let Gio out. And you were like, I'm busy. And you sent me a picture of you in a bathroom with a bunch of chickens. And I was like, I'm just going to leave this one alone and not touch it. And then Blaze got back from the ER super late because of the fires. And then Gio hadn't gone out in a few hours. He was okay, but he ran away. Because Blaze opened the door and he just booked it. And I was in Canada. Yeah. That was a weird time.

This was a horrible day. But I will say the photo of you in a bathroom with chickens really did um lift my spirits you know anyway anyway tornadoes for me i'm like oh yeah we've we had some tornado close calls kind of when we were little yeah it's been many years though that we've had anything that bad knock Knock on wood. Knock on wood. Remember when we said, oh, ghosts are nothing. I feel like now we're going to have a tornado, an earthquake, and I'm going to get haunted.

Yeah, we're in trouble this week. Yeah, we've really just layered on the... Hopefully this episode makes it to air. We'll see. Layered on the narcissism. I've got one more. This is of Mervin's California Department Store, which we've talked...

I've never heard of before our podcast, but we've talked about Mervin's a lot. But I remember VYN, right? Yeah. I remember the signs in LA. Oh, I don't remember them being anywhere. But I didn't know what it was. This one is in Vallejo, California. This review was written by Kyle, three stars, over 14 years ago.

The first to review this location and the last. Oh, God. I know you didn't mean it like that, but it really sounds like. You heard me. I'm just kidding. Oh, no. I was like, Mervyn's got wiped off the map. No, not quite.

It's three stars. On one occasion, when I was in the Vallejo Mervyn's, there was an earthquake. I did not feel such a thing. What the fuck? Wait, what do you mean? earthquake to shake those foundations. That being said, I like their skinny jeans. End of review. What the fuck? Wait, what do you mean? They're saying, wait, what the fuck? I'm so good. The earthquake doesn't hit it deep enough because it was so hell, it's like a hell hole.

Such a hellish experience? Yeah, hellish. No, just a hell hole. Like the stores? Yeah, just located in hell. Oh my God. You know, just casual. Vallejo is not hell though.

Just this Mervyn's. Yeah, they said specifically Vallejo Mervyn's is rooted in hell. Rooted in hell. Which they didn't seem to make it seem like it was a bad thing. It didn't, right? That's why I'm kind of. It felt very, and I struggled. I was like, is this positive?

Is this negative? I think it's positive. They really like their skinny jeans. They don't have to feel an earthquake when they're there. Yeah. Hey, it sounds pretty great. It's kind of like you're living the life. Yeah.

You know? And three-star reviews, usually. That means that they've had a good experience, because they're really stingy with those stars sometimes. That's true. Here's the thing, though. If you die in a Mervyn's in Vallejo... No one can hear you scream? Is that your purgatory? Or is that your... Oh, you're just going straight to hell. You're just rooted in hell already. Yeah. It'd take a lot to get you

out of there. Yeah, it's not worth the effort to get you out of there. Maybe you can't die in there. He didn't know there was an earthquake. True. Maybe it's immune. Probably. From the trappings and dangers of life. Jesus. I'm sorry. Anyway. This is a really long episode. It's all a blur to me. It is a blur. My allergies are doing much better by the end. The pill must have kicked in. Are we still high from last week? I'm confused. Am I? Why? Do you think I am?

No, are we? Oh. This episode was like just about as long as our We episode. Well, not quite. Hour 40. Wow. That was a good one. It was chaotic.

It was chaotic. What's next week again? Next week we are reading, I have no idea. Preschools. Reading reviews of preschools, which i saw someone rightfully said like those could be very depressing very sad oh trust me it's true for many things that we review i'd say though um but yeah we'll avoid that yeah don't worry we're not gonna bum you out we're not that's not our well we might but not intentionally and yeah not because i mean like today you definitely

bum people out talking about the trappings of life or some shit like what but that just happens naturally see that is our natural bumming people sorry but we're not gonna intentionally bring like about the trappings of life or some shit? Like, what? But that just happens naturally. See, that is our natural bumming people out. But we're not going to intentionally bring, like, sad reviews. Especially, like, I'm not. There's some terrible shit that happens in preschools, I'm sure. I don't want to know about it. I don't touch it.

Yeah. I'm already busy worrying about San Francisco. I don't need to think about preschools when my daughter is 18 months old. Amen. But anyway, here I am going to read a bunch of sad reviews and find the fun ones, find the funny ones. Don't worry, folks. Actually, a lot of people already sent reviews in. Yeah, I saw that. People on Patreon who know the topic already.

Yeah. So, you know. Yeah, we'll be fine. Maybe they'll do the hard work for me. They better. On this one. Remember when we did veterinarians in like episode three and I was like, oh, we have a lot to learn because these got really upsetting. Yeah, that's true.

Really fast. That is true. So, you know, you live and you learn. Live and you learn. Or you don't because you just keep doing it. We don't learn anything from this. Are you learning anything? I'm just nodding.

I'm talking to the audience. Oh, oh, yeah. Uh-oh, our manager is calling me. Oh, shit. She's probably like. Oh, shit. She's like, stop this right now. She's like, I know you're doing. It's over. It's over talking to the audience. Oh, oh yeah. Uh oh, our manager is calling me. She's probably like, she's like, stop this right now. I know you're doing it. It's over. It's over. Pull the plug. Pull the plug on the whole thing. Okay, we're pulling it.

Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith, cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brad Bowen.