Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 232: Reviews of Coachella

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

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Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, high-flying singer-songwriters. We're going to Coachella Valley today.

We're gonna ride the heat wave. Okay. I've never been. Yeah, I can tell. I can tell. You don't get it. You don't get the vibes, you know. It's okay. It's okay. I've been there just a couple times. How many times? I only went once i went twice one time as a vip the other time as a normal person did you pay vip i did not pay for that ticket how'd you get it uh stranger cat cat martino um was performing there with uh she was singing backup for sophie on stevens

that's casual and she knew i was in la and she reached out she's like hey you want you want a vip pass hell i was like okay he was like yeah and for my sister never mind it was like my first week working at my job my new job um with you know who yeah that's well that's why i thought maybe it was like related to that yeah no it had nothing to do with him he wouldn wouldn't give you free VIP tickets. No, absolutely not. He would not have. He shall not be named. Yeah, it would have turned bad.

But no, it was lots of fun. I bumped into Amber Rose's security detail in the VIP section. Oh, like physically? Physically. I thought you just met. I wasn't like, oh, hey, good to see you. Security for Amber Rose. I was like, it's extremely alarming that you knew what her security detail looked like. I definitely didn't. Cool.

But the moment I ran into this man who was probably literally twice my size. Oh, fuck. Like height and width and just everything. He was just massive. Like, you know, he could just squash me. Take you down. I bumped into him and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Whatever. They're polite. Nothing bad happened.

It wasn't like, I don't know. And then I look behind him and there's like Amber Rose just kind of chilling. Oh, boy, Zandy. I was like, oh, whoopsies. Oh, boy. Yeah. So maybe it's not even security. It's just like to keep people from bumping into her.

Oh, maybe. Like he takes the hit kind of thing. Yeah. Because I wasn't paying attention. He's like the bumpers. Yeah, exactly. On the bumper car. The bumper man.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it was fun. How was it? It was great. VIP was a lot better better i slept in my car though um oh geez in walmart parking lot that year and then i went another year with like a bunch of strangers and slept on some couch and it was the person who was uh renting out the

place to stay um it was nightly rented a bunch of spots out in this house. And it was his, like, I think it was a guy. I don't even remember who it was. No, it was her. Her, like, dad was a real estate person in the area. And so this was a house that was, like, being listed. They had access to these homes. It was so sketchy. They just had access.

I don't think we were supposed to be doing this. But we spent the night in this, like, beautiful home. I say we. I don't know. I didn't know any of these people me and all my good friends i still follow a lot of them on like social media though and so i saw some are still going to coachella still going strong this wasn't one of those times when you drank that second time yeah um we were met up i was just tagging along with some of the people i met and then they met some of their friends and they hand me a sunscreen bottle and they say you want some hennessy that's right drank hennessy out of a sunscreen the fact that it's hennessy every time gets me yeah that was

my first time having hennessy and it was also my last i was gonna say i've never partaken but i imagine it tastes better without the like uh particles. Maybe. And like the plastic bottle type thing. You know. I would. But who's to say? I would say probably. Yeah. But it was great.

And some great shows. I saw Justice, one of my favorite like. Justice is fun. Oh, man. The favorite. One of my favorite altar groups. Yeah, I guess. Like electronic.

I don't know. Yeah. They were so incredibly good. That's fun. All they did was they were just two French guys. I think They're, uh, they were so incredibly good. That's fine. All they did was they were just two French guys. I think they're pretty sure they're French. Staying there smoking a cigarette each, like with one hand,

the other hand, like doing DJ shit. And they were just like with all these crazy light shows. And I was just like losing my mind. That's just like podcasting. Exactly. Same difference. Yeah.

We're always smoking. Always smoking. Podcasting one handed. Podcasting one handed. Not to show off. Not to brag or anything. Always smoking. Smoking. Podcasting one-handed. Podcasting one-handed. Not to show off. Not to brag or anything. It's a little braggy. But anyway.

But yeah. Do you want to go first, Andy? Sure. Okay. My first one is a review from Google of Coachella. And it's a five-star one. And this is a good way to sum it all up. So it's on Google.

Because I couldn't find any Google. I guess I'm just Googling the wrong thing. Yeah, so exactly. You were. Okay. No, it was kind of hard to find. But I found it's the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Yeah, okay. it's a the coachella valley music and arts festival okay so it's like the official google listing and there weren't that many people um anyway there are not many

reviews in there but here's a five-star review where else am i gonna see a hundred gex billy eilish brockhampton and espa all in the same dusty, overpriced, vendored field. End of review. And it's like so true. Great question. So like, 100 Gex is very like Gen Z that's what Francisca likes. Isn't that... I was gonna say. I'm trying to think what the... It's kind of like... Is it Hyper

Pop? I don't know if 100 Gex falls into that. It's one of those like newer pop electronic kind of things. Billie Eilish, obviously. Okay. Brock Hampton. Are you familiar with that? No.

It's like a hip hop group. Okay. With a bunch of, yeah, that sums it up. And then aespa is like a K-pop group. I see. So it's just wild. I mean, I don't know. It's so great.

And that's not even like all of the diversity. Like they have so many different like international artists too. Did you have like a bandana? Because I remember people would say you'd breathe in all this sand and dirt. Someone gave me a free bandana. Like they hand them out. I don't think they're affiliated with the festival. Because they want you to kind of cover your mouth up.

Yeah, they hand out all these bandanas. I was like, okay, weird. I don't wear bandanas. And the dust kicking up, especially weekend two. If you go weekend two, it's terrible. Because weekend one, you get like, I don't know how many, 100,000 people. I don't know how many people it is. Yeah.

Trampling through this field. Well, you're like in the desert too. And it's like the polo grounds. They have like polo during the off season or on season. I don't know what you call it. They have like polo and stuff. But the country festival stage coach that happens at the same field a lot of people get upset because you got coach ellen like a week

later or something is stage coach so it's dusty dusty like it's just pure just adds to the vibe of country music you wear your cowboy boots i think it does. You wear an old-timey western bandana like you're about to enter the saloon. White Earp or something. Yeah. So here's a one-star review from Yelp of Coachella. I love how Coachella has a Yelp page. It's so bizarre. Some of the reviews were like, I am so excited that I can review Coachella on Yelp.

This is so exciting. Amazing. Here's a one-star review by Alejandro. Coachella security ducking sucks. We got to the exit by 10 and security decided to keep us on lockdown. Then a security guard came to us saying they can keep us in

and watch what he can do. No information. Security are unprofessional and made the experience sour. We regret spending our money here and we will never come again. Thanks, Coachella. Update, since we have to stay lined up, I let my legs out the window a bit to rest since I'll be leaving later and a security hit my leg with his golf cart and then sped off before I can stop him. He didn't even care how my

foot was coachella call me end of review wow you give people a yelp page suddenly they think they can call coachella the same thing i was like yeah this person they're not getting that call security hit my leg with a golf cart oh my god that's wild um what's happening i don't know but nothing good all these stories i hear about coach i'm like you can just kind of do it pretty chill like it's possible there's so many people don't get me wrong like it's a lot of crowds so you will not avoid crowds yeah so we'll not be chill chill but like i don't know just chill you know i don't know there's not chill with your legs inside with your legs inside the vehicle. Just inside the vehicle. Keep them inside the vehicle at all times.

It's not that hard. It seems like it shouldn't be that hard. Oh, man. My next one is a three-star review. This is of the Empire Polo Club. So that's on the premises. And people did review Coachella through this. So I was just looking at nearby things. This is a three-star review.

Everyone here is so ugly, sobbing emoji. Oh no! Nothing like the billboards and the advertisements led me to believe. Oh man. Somehow I doubt that.

Sorry. It's just like, there's no way. I don't know. People, just wait till my finale. People were very, i don't know people uh just wait till my finale um people were very uh i don't know the complaints that people had were very like come on like there's so many things you can complain about a coachella like it is not perfect it is insane it's overpriced

it's dusty as shit like yeah like i mean. Everyone's just really hideous. But like, what? Everyone's really hideous. They're all wearing like crocheted bandeau tops instead of real clothing. I saw some people who were acting like, oh man, back when Coachella wasn't all about the outfits and all this stuff. And they were posting. So this was on the coachella facebook page uh spoiler alert for my finale uh on the coach and they're like oh man like this is what it used to be like and posting pictures of themselves at like the coachella i went to oh come on and like that was what 2016 or something and like it very much was that in full swing the coachella we think like if you were talking about the first year of coachella sure probably not like i don't know or the first 10 years i have no idea how old coachella is what the hell was like complaining about the year i went where like half the women who were staying

at that house that i was staying in all they wore was like a mesh top with like pasties and that's what i'm saying and like a crochet band oh hey you do you it's coachella like that's what whatever you do you point but why are people acting like that year wasn't about like the outfits and stuff? Because the original was during like the old west. And so people had their Wyatt Earp. Oh, who performed? Wyatt Earp. Was Wyatt Earp performing?

Are you not paying any attention? Annie Oakley did some tricks. Annie Oakley opened for Wyatt Earp. Yeah. It was actually, they wore those bandanas and everything. Do you think we have any Wyatt Earp historians who listen who was actually, they wore those bandanas and everything. Do you think we have any Wyatt Earp historians who listen who are really upset right now? I do.

Yeah? Yeah. Good. So this is a review of the app, the Coachella app. Oh, nice. I was so worried you would go there. I didn't even think of that. Okay, good.

Because I did. So this is a one-star review by a Google user. And this is for the Android app. Terrible reviews. one-star review by a google user and this is for the android app terrible reviews uh it says i don't trust it asking for my email and i don't know anyone here but ariana grande end of review so wait i assume they're downloading the app looking at the lineup and being like who are these who are these people which. Like, that's hard to do. To not know anyone but Ariana Grande. I agree.

Like. There's no, I mean, there's like, how many people are performing? Like, a lot. I don't know, a lot. And like, Ariana Grande would be one of the, so like the top few performers at each night. I mean, they're, they're big deals. Like, you can't not be a big deal and perform, like, late into the night at Coachella.

Yeah. It's impossible. Yeah. It's impossible, so. It's too bad. I mean. Like, I'm curious, when did you, do you know when this review was? This was from May of 2019.

Okay. So, this was 2019 Coachella. Yeah, let's see who else is on there. It's kind of fun. I always love looking at festival lineups. I never go anymore, but it's just fun to look. We're so old now. We're like, we just take our binoculars and look at it from afar.

Okay. Childish Gambino. Okay. Janelle Monae. The 1975 Diplo. Blackpink. Oh, Blackpink performed this year too. I got to say, I have heard of almost every single one

of those. Tame Impala, Billie Eilish, and I'm like, keep in mind I'm only reading, like there are more that you would absolutely recognize. Wiz Khalifa, Weezer, Kid Cudi, and then the night of... That's in one year? Yeah, that was one day.

I just did two of the three days. Here's the third day when Ariana performed. Ariana Grande, Khaled, Zedd, Bad Bunny, Dylan Francis, Churches. I've literally heard of all of those, and that's rare for me. No, right, though? And, like, it's just so wild. As long as they don't ask for my email address, I would love to attend. I love looking at, like, Soccer Mommy.

Ask for my email address. I would love to attend. I love looking at like Soccer Mommy. Like these bands and these groups that I really enjoy that like Rico Nasty perform. That's fun. Anyway. I love the idea that they think it's like shady that it's asking for your email and that. I feel like they're saying like they made up all these names except Ariana Grande. If I knew more than Ariana Grande, I would have given my email and my phone number but kid cuddy i don't think so i don't know who that kid cuddy is but he

sounds untrustworthy doesn't sound right to me today something is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together it's human up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast only six dollars at a and w's in ontario experience a and w's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Oh, man.

I've got a two-star review. It's by Roger. Too many people. I suspect they're all on drugs. About half the people here are rude and the other half are friendly. Too dry and way too hot. My buddy is suffering from allergies, eye irritation, and chapped lips.

He said he's never coming back. Overall, five out of ten. Will not be coming back. Will watch the free live stream. End of review. Oh my god. You can just watch the live stream. This was a week ago.

Like, they do live streams now of many of their... I just watched a clip from the Blackpink performance. My friend's lips are really dry. But if we go back home and watch the live stream, they'd probably be pretty moisturized. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

See? That's all it takes, maybe. Just go home. Just go home. And stop complaining. But it was dry. It was dusty. But what are they going to do?

They're not... they have some technology like i don't know that grows grass back within days they could put on the amount of water that would take sprinklers and then you just got mud oh that sounds fun yeah um i woodstock 99 am i right totally yeah been there done that um okay i think uh i think ariana was at that one too right what stock 99 yeah i think she was conceived that time oh no okay i'm sorry i was thinking she's older than that i'm aware of that i think i was literally trying to think of any band you had just listed and i was like i can't maybe i'm like this reviewer more than i thought okay so i have a redemption here actually this is by diana and

it features an update okay here's the original review from apr 21st, 2010. All right. So I've been anticipating this concert since January. I'm pretty sure my friends are sick and tired of me talking about it and how excited I am that I dropped 300 bucks to go to the desert and hear these bands that I love. I mean, I bought my ticket before they even released the lineup. That was how determined I was about going this year. And it was all worth it. I would love to give Coachella five stars if I could. However, I can't. There were too many things I saw that made me react with a WTF or WTH response.

Just one example that easily comes to mind is putting Muse before Tiesto. Now, do you think that was a WTF or a WTH? That's a WTH. For sure. That's what I thought. Muse killed their set that night, and for Tiesto to come on afterwards was a buzzkill. Another problem. Too many awesome bands deserved to play on bigger stages than they did. Sleigh Bells, Florence and the Machine, Phoenix, Charlotte Gainsbourg, and Tom York were a few bands where I reacted, why are they playing here? The water situation was a joke. 12 bucks for a

plastic Coachella labeled bottle that was small as hell so you could get unlimited refills of filter water. Call me crazy, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like no one was being green. What about giving some credit to the legit green people who brought in empty containers and camelbacks? You promote being green and get shit all over the real people being green. My body is still recovering from the rock star and coffee I used to destroy it in order to stay up for the drive back. So why four stars? Because even though there were problems, I still had a great time. The bands were awesome. I loved the mix of old bands with new and upcoming bands. There were so many people there and as the weekend went on, I definitely felt the crowds everywhere, but we managed.

One thought for next year is to make sure you can handle having that many people on cell phones there. I started having to timestamp my texts to people because the cell network was jammed. So thank you for making my Coachella an experience. I did have an amazing time, and if you find my camera, please feel free to return it. Feel free. I'll give you free to return it. Feel free. I'll give you permission to return it. Feel free. I love that.

P.S. Don't ever invite Sly Stone back. While he is an amazing musician, he is a complete idiot. End of review. Here's the update. So that was April. I didn't know about that. Sly Stone.

Like Sly and the family stuff. I sue him. I don't. Is he canceled? Maybe. Okay, I bet half the artists that perform at Coachella every year have something. Have something wrong with them. Not to.

Yeah. Anyway. April 21st, 2010. I mean, Ariana was conceived out of Woodstock, so. And here's the update. This is from now, July 29th. Okay. Three months later.

Mm-hmm. Guess who got her camera back? End of review. Oh, nice. Okay, good. I kind of like. I'm Guess who got her camera back? End of review. Oh, nice. Okay, good. I kind of like that. I'm like, who gave it back? I don't know.

Because at first I was like, Coachella, call me. And I'm like, yeah, right. I'm like, did Coachella find her camera? Like maybe her info was in there or like found, saw pictures and like happened to make connection somehow. I have no idea. I love that through Yelp, she was reunited. Yeah. Anyway.

That's a thing where you, like, take a picture of some identifying information. Seriously? And leave it on your camera. So that, like, leave it as the first photo so that down the line, if someone finds it, like, not your, like, driver's license, but just your name and phone number. Your Yelp username. Your Yelp username. Yeah, that's so smart. Yeah. recommend doing that that was so like um afraid of losing their camera

that was just so like um heartwarming she she reunited that was great yeah um and i get that frustration of like seeing your favorite artists or one of like artists you enjoy not at the main stage but it's kind of nice not to see i was gonna say i would feel like i would enjoy that more like some of my favorite shows actually like that justice show was not the main stage and i like that it wasn't the main stage was their show worthy of the main stage absolutely it was insane it was so they were just standing there with one hand yeah i don't think they needed an entire stage they had two hands you they were using two hands total don't worry i know But like you could smoke a cigarette anywhere.

You don't need a giant stage for that. That's fair. That's true. They were literally just standing there the whole time. I know. It was still one of the best shows I've ever. Like they didn't move. They were just.

They didn't move. They literally just stood in the same spot. Both of them. Like it was a really awesome looking setup. But like. They were like we're too cool for this. That's my dream. And they were.

It was so good but anyway but then i saw like lcd sound system on the main stage one of the times and yeah it was like really great but it was like i had to get there a little like early i had to miss the end of some other show i had to like wait in this huge crowd people were like forcing their way in trying to get past it was like a it's a mess so yeah but then i saw like mitski at a smaller show and that was also one of my favorite of all times because it was like felt so like i don't know it was more like chill it was nice nice it was nice anyway sorry um next i went to their facebook page great coach, and looked at comments because I figured there'd be some weird comments.

Facebook comments really are like the bottom of the barrel. Sure enough, there were some weird comments. So, for example, Coachella posted a picture. Oh, one important thing that I think should be mentioned is that Coachella has a lot of really cool art installations. They're not all for everyone. Some of them are really fucking weird. Some of them you might question whether or not they're art. Sometimes you may have accidentally ended up at Burning Man

and you're like, wait a minute. It's like some of that kind of shit where you're like, huh, this is weird. But they posted a picture that looks like a building that you walk up. It looks colorful. There are lights shooting up in the sky. And their caption is, the kind of thing you see in dreams.

So Coachella official posted this. Eric has this to say. And Coachella singer selection is the kind of noise you hear in nightmares. Okay, at least it's kind of clever. It's dumb, but at least it's kind of clever.'s dumb but at least it's kind of clever and someone else said under the same photo what you were and what you have become tiktoker convention and then underneath that someone said influencer palooza oh for god's sake and then like guess what i bet 10 years ago 15 years ago people, people were saying, you're just a Facebook.

So true. Facebook festival. Literally. Like, there's always going to be people like this. Now these people on Facebook are like, I miss when it was a Facebook festival. So stupid. Then the next day, or the next post I have is just an overview, like a view of the whole area. It looks beautiful.

You see a couple of the art installations. You see the famous Ferris wheel. And one thing they do that I saw when I was there was they have these balloons that they send up. And you can get in line to send up a balloon, and it's on the string. And it's this long string of balloons in the air, like a kite, but it's balloons. Do it's balloons do i know what it means let them go that's not good for no no they're just sitting there they just like float there above the festival and i assume they bring them down at the end um i would be very surprised if they just let them go um but yeah no they just like float up like a kite like literally like then they can pull it back down if they want i think um so they posted that they're the balloons in the sky and then donna says i wish those were ducks flying south but i think they are

balloons donna i'm so sorry donna we can dream you know what I mean And what's funny is a juxtaposition Above Donna Jason says I love all the salinity in the air Let's just hope nobody contracts any respiratory diseases What the fuck is salinity It's like the salt content Oh jeez

But like that's just true I looked it up What are you talking about What would this have to do with Coachella? Or the balloons? I saw articles about the salinity in the air in like coastal regions. So like technically there probably is because it's like within a certain number of miles of the coast. It's just weird to me that people who aren't attending are just like having their, putting their input.

You know what I mean? Like why, like Donna clearly wasn't there, I don't think. No, Donna just saw this post probably. Like how did this even come across her feed? Facebook is pushing posts or their friend. You know what? She's probably in a lot of birdwatching groups. And so she spotted that and went, oh my gosh, finally. It's finally some ducks.

The ducks are migrating. I've never seen one of those in my birdwatching days. Yeah, right? It's a rare duck that's flying south. And then Patrick says this. Does this mean that the grassroots are not playing this year? How about a Coachella for us old timers? Simon and Garfunkel, Credence, Lionel Richie, Jeffrey Osborne, Kiss, Holland Oates, Moody Blues, Cher, Boyz II Men?

End of comment. Boyz II Men. Yeah, that one got me. I was like, oh. This is all over the place. Also, aren't there plenty of those like go yeah oh yeah go to woodstock and also like everyone complaining about how miserable they were they're like i'm too old for this i'm too old for this and like i don't know they know who who's coming to their festivals and it's not people who are fans of simon and garfunkel i love simon i'm sure many hotel attendees fans of Simon and Garfunkel. I love Simon and Garfunkel.

I'm sure many Coachella attendees love Simon and Garfunkel. But I feel like if they announced Simon and Garfunkel as one of their headliners. Wait, hold on. Imagine. I'm trying. I'm really trying. Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Like, it would be dope.

Don't get me wrong. Are you going to Coachella Fair? And then it'll have. Oh yeah. Rosemary. How does it go? Sage for Mary and Todd. And then you hear.

Oh yeah, that's right. You wouldn't be able to hear them over all the DJ sets surrounding them. No, but justice comes out. Oh, I see. Layers beats underneath. Oh, beats underneath i love that are you going it just writes itself look at you go very normal i'm gonna go i'm gonna go to that i just love the old people chiming in like you don't have to go where's steely dan like where's my coachella like i don't know uh just go to those

shows i guess it's like one day we'll be like why is harry styles not performing it why is no he probably still will be performing i'm trying to think of a better example i don't know kid cuddy where's kid cuddy my old timey music um and then my final post that i found was uh it's a picture of the lineup for sunday that coachella official posted um coachella this week or something oh yeah it was yeah it was last weekend and this weekend when we're recording this sorry we're releasing it like a few weeks after it ends didn't know um but yeah clearly i'm out of the loop because that's why i was kind of i put it in there i think d was was like, oh, what about Coachella? I was like, oh, that sounds fun.

It's happening right now. So they shifted some things around for Sunday. Okay. So they just posted their new schedule, whatever. As in like for today? This was last Sunday. Oh, okay. So a week ago.

Floor says this. B, ask Vicky if she got my kitchen picture i sent it on monday or tuesday it was like one of the top comments what do you mean top comments like someone liked it no one named b or vicky but someone liked it okay i like that they're trying to go viral like you know how it's like those missed connections on TikTok where it's like they're trying to like reconnect people, but it's not going. It's not really working. It's not. Because nobody really cares.

No, I looked at their account. They're just an older person who. But did you look at their kitchen? I did not. I didn't see the post. They might have gotten one of those cool faucets over the stove where you can add water to your spaghetti pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like those. Yeah. I mean, I don't have any use for it but i like them um yeah i

don't know we'll maybe never know i don't know if vicky's gonna know either let's keep tabs on this just in case yeah i'll do my best yeah uh and then my final thing oh wait oh these are the same it's the same post but my final thing was on that same post, but my final thing, this is on that Sunday post. This is all the, oh. This is a different post. Oh, gotcha. There's been like three posts, comments from three different posts. Gotcha. Here's one from this one.

It says, it's a little bit of a thread. Wow, have never heard of one of these artists. What classification of music is this? Would love to learn more. That's exhausting. No. Okay. Google it. Yeah, it's very easy to go all the names are right there you can google it and to give you all an idea of what this list of uh

music is like there's frank ocean uh i'm just gonna read ones that okay i don't know a boogie is that a boogie with a hoodie i don't know b Bjork? You know they're like... Cannons? Willow? They're like, does anyone know anything about Jork? The Jork? Because I would love to learn more. Like, Romy. Oh my god, I love Romy. Okay. Porter Robinson. It's Romy. I think it's even Romy.

I thought you meant Romeo. R-O-M-Y. No, no, no. I thought you meant Lil' Romeo, who then became Romeo. I'm pretty sure I just pronounced it wrong, but she's a member of the XX. I don't want to talk about them. I want to talk about... I don't want to talk about Lil' Romeo. His name became Romeo. I'm pretty sure I just pronounced it wrong, but she's a member of the XX. I don't want to talk about them. I want to talk about little Romeo. His name's Romeo. Sorry, of big Romeo.

When will Romeo be performing at the Coachella for us old people? I don't know. Good question. But so this person's like, oh, I'm curious to know more about these artists. About all 400 artists. And at first I was like disappointed because the next comment is,

it's everything, but this lineup ain't it. It's a shit year. Whoa. I know people are so angry for nothing. Okay. They say that every year. And then in response, the Joe who originally posted said, oh, it looks like fun.

Just have never heard of them. How are these people? They're weird. Somebody messed up the marketing algorithm. I why are they getting this why are these random people who think they're ducks at coachella yeah getting these posts like who put that in there and then luciana responded with a link to a video a video and a song uh by one of those artists and saying said please just listen to this and it's's Los Fabulosos Cadillacs. And it's their cover of Strawberry Fields Forever.

They're an Argentine ska band. Whoa. And they did a cover of Strawberry Fields Forever in Spanish. But part of it is in English. And that part is sung by Debbie Harry from Blondie. What? It's like a wild. It's really cool.

I've watched the video. I listened to the whole thing. it's like a wild it's really cool i've watched the video i listened the whole thing i was like dang i feel like this person is gonna be like this is a lot i'm out actually listen to what joe says in response okay so no musicians i want bands who perform their own instruments write their own music done with these video clips and remixes what a lunatic whoa what the hell is your deal they were probably just waiting setting people up to say that i like there's no other explanations what and then luciana credit to them responded with did you even listen a little bit it's just a cover featuring debbie harry thought it could be interesting of course they make their own music and yes they play their own instruments

they make ska and other genres. Sorry to disappoint. Whoa. I hadn't heard of them, but I looked at their discography. It is extensive. I feel like this person, I feel like you're right. They were setting a trap because there's no other reason you would prepare such an aggressive response to like, oh, here's some of the music and it's like a legitimate like it's not it is not even like hey i am gates open like any music is music edm is music it doesn't matter if you don't use an instrument if you do it all on your computer you can still make music but if you want not not

that kind of music this is a perfect example they are playing their own. They're a ska band. Like, they have probably more instruments than most people. Maybe that's the issue. Drives me crazy. He's like, what genre is this? And he's like, it's an entire ska festival. Maybe he just really took it too much to heart. He really thought.

Maybe. Maybe. Imagine Coachella is just a giant ska festival. I really. Christina, don't get. Don't. Okay. What is time to be alive?

I like some i like the occasional ska i don't think everyone wants a coachella i don't think anyone wants a way seems like a lot some people want it but there's a lot of fedoras there too many you can't see much over them so here's a five-star view um of coachella this by T. I had such a great time at Coachella. Not only did their medical tent actually have medical supplies, but I was amazed at how quickly I was able to get my foot fixed. The doctor cleaned my cut up in no time and then dabbed this smelly brown liquid on my foot and told me it would help prevent an infection how cool is that then he put this sticky patch on my foot and told me i was good to go hands down the best doctor experience i ever had

and ever did their foot get hit by a golf cart i know i was like this is a bizarre twist like everyone's getting their feet but also that wasn't a doctor. Like, come on. This man was putting smelly brown liquid all over my foot? Are you serious? That is in line with the review I have for my challenge this episode. Oh, no. Just wait. But yeah, no. I mean, I assume it's just, I don't know.

I don't know. The best doctor experience they've ever had. That is insane. That's alarming. I think they need. The best doctor experience they've ever had. That is insane. That's alarming. I think they need to go to the doctor more often. I think they should go to the doctor now and get their foot checked out because there's brown smelly liquid all over it. But that's impressive that Coachella could offer such a life-changing moment.

Well, sponsored by Cedars-Sinai. No, it's sponsored by whatever the opposite is where they just use brown liquid. All these, hey, Christina, it seems legit because I know someone using it later in another review I have. Seriously? Yeah. Okay. I think that is, there's, and yes, before people tweet at me, I know there's like an, what do you call it? An antiseptic or something. Sure.

I was going to say infecticide, but that's insecticide. Infecticide. Christine, I'm the doctor at Coachella. Hey, neither of us pretend to be doctors.

I'm qualified. Whatever, let them tweet at us. I'm going to get a tent. Just start a tent. I'm going to get some infecticide in my tent

and treat people's, they got golf cart foot. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Students, get $100 when you open an RBC Advantage banking account, which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada, Avion points on debit purchases, and so, so much more.

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Worth every cent. All $3,750. End of review. It's so fucking expensive. I do have a tip. I don't know if this is true anymore but i found that if you want the least expensive tickets this is for people who are in the area especially oh i know what you're gonna literally wait until the day like friday morning yeah and look on craigslist people are trying to get rid of tickets because they're like oh shit i'm about to have this they

spent so much money. Because a lot of people, like that person mentioned, a lot of people get them before the lineups even are out. Before they have any accommodations, before they have any transportation. They just get the tickets to make sure they have them. And then, yeah, they might try to resell them, but overpriced. And so people don't buy them. So then last second, they're like, well, shit, I got to make some money off of this.

I want to at least get 100 bucks out of this. Yeah, so you get them for cheap. Or they have to cancel for some reason. But watch out for scammers too. I think Coachella app, like when I was going, already had something in place to like be safe from scammers. Well, remember, I had to be her middleman because you were at work

and this woman named Vanessa showed up at our apartment. You remember her name or is that just made up? No, I think her name was. That came very quick to you. I think she's still in my phone book. I wouldn't be surprised. I'm dead serious. I think she's still in my phone book as like Vanessa Coachella.

And then you see like, do you know this person on TikTok? It's like, this person's in your contact. Oh my God, yeah. I get so many like that that I'm like, I don't want to follow this person I bought a camera from on TikTok. I do because like Vanessa Coach that that I'm like, I don't want to follow this person I bought a camera from on TikTok. I do because like Vanessa Coachella and I'm like, she's, well, I guess she didn't go because she sold her tickets to you. No, I think I sold a ticket to her. So that was me.

I was in the position of selling it for cheaper. Actually, I did, to be fair. Yeah, okay. I was home before she left. Hands on the ground. What? Nothing. Like I met her. Like I was there before she left. Hands on the ground. What? Nothing. Like I met her.

Like I was there as well. But she came before I got there. Well, you didn't remember her name, so. No. I just remember the dollar bills. Okay. Cool. Yeah.

Thanks. I'm done with my. I'm glad we got that Coachella episode out of the way. Out of the way? Just because I've been there and I feel like I'm annoying when I talk about it. Well, just a little bit about all the different, like, really, really obscure bands you like. But we kind of are used to that now. I didn't even get to all the obscure ones.

Oh, yeah. I tried to stop you. Beyoncé. Have you heard of that band? No, it sounds familiar. I think, was that at um that was at stagecoach it's like a 2 p.m slot i feel like oh she's that oh she's a ska artist who only does covers and

doesn't play any music instruments yeah yeah yeah she's great really good anyway um time for my challenge uh my challenge is good from good old julio who knows who knows what a what a challenge should be about that's right um this was to find negative reviews uh that include the quote i left looking like oh yeah and uh julio said an esthetician. I got just very similar vibe like places. I don't know. What's considered an esthetician exactly in your mind? I don't know. Is that more like beauty?

It feels like a very generic kind of beauty term. So like hair, makeup. Beauty procedure. It's like. Hang on. Let's Google esthetician a trained technician who specializes in skin beautification oh it's specifically skin okay um facials chemical peels waxing yeah okay well i got similar vibe stuff okay a lot of hair stuff great uh so here we go uh my first one this is of paul mitchell the school

austin okay this is in austin texas um paul mitchell's uh beauty school like hair salon place uh this place has two and a half stars oh no uh with 83 reviews and uh here's a one star this is by winona they bleached my roots before they confirmed that they even had the dye i left looking like a skunk and had to scramble to find the dye i wanted imagine a skunk scrambling isn't that quite a sight that is quite the science scrambling yeah i feel like i've never seen that you know a skunk scram i feel like i've seen a lot of wild like a raccoon i'm sure i've seen a raccoon scrambling you know they're always scrambling they're always scrambling but a skunk that would be interesting that's not animated no pepe le pew shit in here i've seen a chicken scrambled i love it i love i'm being it but i love that one

thank you i thought you were gonna be mad at me i don't want to be mad at you i don't know just a chicken embryo whatever who cares well never mind don't get me started on that yeah let's change the subject okay Okay, here we go. My next one. We're scrambling into dangerous territory. Of Passion Nails. This is in Salt Lake City, Utah. And this is a one-star review. Man, that other one was from like a week ago.

This one is from over eight years ago. Woo! Here we go. One star. If I could give them zero stars, I would. I went here for a pedicure and the woman scrubbed a callus so hard on my toe that it bled.

She then stopped the bleeding by putting some weird dye on it, which turned it black and stung like a bitch. I left looking like someone had put a cigarette out on my toe. It was painful. And two weeks later had not finished healing. Do not come here.

Oh my. Oh my God. That guy at Coachella. That's what it reminded me of. Had a cigarette put out on his foot. He was like, oh, this medical tent is great. I know some medical stuff. Yeah.

Cauterize a wound, you know? The other day I said something about somebody got their artery their heart arteries cauterized and blaze was like what i just said that thinking that was real and blaze okay we need to sorry we need to kind of break this out a little more you thought that was you thought that was real like you just were like oh this is a real thing this is what this is what happened i was telling somebody else because m had a procedure for their svt yes where they had just like a like a minor you know thing where they had to go in and just cauterize something and so i was like oh well i was telling some friends oh m had their arteries cauterized and blaze was like no that that's

no they didn't do that and i was like yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure. And Blaze was like, I literally promise you. Yeah, argue with Blaze about that. Why did I say that? So I was like, I know, I'm pretty sure that's what happened. Anyway, so. And the, I see, I'm taking Blaze's side here just because he knows more. But I don't know the truth. Was he right?

Or were you right? I think we both know I was right. Christina. If you're asking me, I'm going to tell you. So you never even figured it out. You're just disagreeing right now on whether or not M's heart arteries were cauterized. No, I know that M's arteries were not cauterized. You spoke as a layperson trying to...

Exactly. You tried to make it up more... It was an ablation, okay? Oh. trying to you know you tried to make it up more it was an ablation okay it create tiny scars in the heart to block faulty electrical signals that's what i said pretty much no i think it was a little bit what i said i don't think it was a little bit okay not even a little bit oh oh well oh well that's okay i'm gonna move on to top nails in Washington, D.C., I think. Nope, this is in Springfield, Virginia. Close enough. They mentioned D.C., that's why. Are you familiar with OPI?

Yes. Their nails, right? Or like the nail polish brand or something? That's mentioned, so I looked it up but i want to make sure here we go here's a one-star review don't bother going here there are plenty of options in the area that i'm sure are way better i left looking like a six-year-old painted my nails and for 15 seriously is rent that expensive this isn't downtown dcC., top nails. The OPI selection is limited and they don't even have hand dryers. You just sit at a little fan and the fumes. Let's not get started with a lack of ventilation in there.

I always love to support small businesses, but I guess that doesn't always mean quality. Sigh. End of review. Okay, so it was $15? Yes. To get your nails painted. Yeah, this was over nine years Okay, so it was $15? Yes. To get your nails painted. Yeah, this was over nine years ago, so. Okay, that does add a little context.

The other review is from over 16 years ago, and those were the only two reviews. Holy shit. Over 16. Have we had one that old? I don't think so. That's insane. Sandy, $15? It seemed cheap as hell.

Like, are you kidding me? I don't know. I've never gotten my nails done,? It seems cheap as hell. Like, are you kidding me? I don't know. I've never gotten my nails done, but that seems cheap. Even I was like, what? What is rent that high? Yes. Yes, it is. Yeah.

End of answer. People are crazy. I love to support small businesses, but how dare they charge me $15? What do they want to do, pay rent? It sounds like it was a really shitty job. So they didn't include photos. I think they got high on the fumes and were like. Oh, that's much better.

Smearing their nails everywhere. And we're like, it looks like a six-year-old did it. That's what I think. Or they got high by the fumes. We're like, can you make it so it looks like a six-year-old did it? So they got exactly what they had. Can you put a really blurry daisy on it? That's what I used to paint on my nails.

Alright my next one is of Great Clips in Niles, Ohio. This is a one star review by Bradley. March 15th, 2019. Went into this Great Clips for a simple haircut. Told the girl what I wanted. She said, okay.

And I left looking like a French poodle. She would make a better dog groomer. Worst haircut in 55 years. End of review. Holy shit. It's this person's only, one and only review. Pisses me off.

What? No photo. No photo. Like, if you're gonna make such an outrageous claim, put a fucking photo so we can all see. I saw this one woman,

an older looking woman, I'm not sure the exact age, but posted like, I asked for them not to make it short and now I look like a man. And they posted a man and they posted a picture and they have the grumpiest face i've ever seen with like real short like real short hair so

like i understand if they didn't want it short oh that's bad and like i don't know that wasn't like oh look at that they look like a man whatever it's silly but they were just clearly unhappy they included a photo i was like i get it they happy. And yeah, I didn't include it because, I mean, I'm bringing it up now. But now I look like a cranky old man. I look like a cranky old man. They looked so upset. And I felt so bad because that feeling of having a shitty haircut and you take a picture of it and you're like, I don't want to smile. Like, I feel a little shitty.

You're like, look how ugly I look. Yeah, right? Smile. smile like i feel a little shitty you're like look how ugly i look right smile i uh i hope somebody marked that as cool or funny oh which one one of our photos oh yeah i wish i wish i had it i don't actually that would hurt my feelings oh my gosh okay i've got one more also being a dog groomer is like you can't just say, oh, they make a better dog groomer. It's like that's also something you have to be qualified for and trained for. Yeah, you can't just throw that out as an insult. Like that doesn't quite work.

And also that's when like your customers aren't able to communicate with you. Right. You're not able to like, so yeah, I don't know. You just have to look closely and see if they look like a cranky old man if you want to determine whether but like honestly a poodle is probably a lot harder to groom than than this dude who looks like a poodle i think so too yeah yeah uh my my uh my final one is pat's Barbershop and Hairstyling in Royal Oak, Michigan. And this is a one-star review. Glowing review.

I mean, five total, but others were all glowing. And then this Roger fella comes in. One star. Pat did not care to even try to attempt making my hair look good. I left looking like I am balding, rivaling George Costanza in looks. He did not try to make conversation with me. He did not try to match my hair to the picture I showed him. He did not cut around my ears. He did not cut the front slash bangs area.

He carelessly buzzed and snipped different regions of my head and missed certain spots, leaving me looking like I'm balding in some areas and like I never got my hair cut in others. A haircut from Great Clips is half the price, but infinitely better. I would pay Pat double the money to not cut my hair. Too bad there's not a bar association for being a barber because he should be disbarred. A bar association for being a barber. He should be disbarred. There's something there, you guys.

That's pretty funny. I think there's something there. I mean, you need a license, no? Yeah. Yeah. Well, be disbarred. There's something there, you guys. That's pretty funny. I think there's something there. I mean, you need a license, no? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think. Yeah. When you go, they have their license print usually in a frame right there, no?

Yeah, I imagine you would. Including barbers, I'm pretty sure. Most estheticians are definitely licensed. I just, I feel like this is so unfair that there's no photo because they're saying I look like George Costanza. And I'm like, but he doesn't look anything like what you described. Yes, exactly. Like weird patches and like long over my ear. I'm very curious about this.

None of that looks like George Costanza to me. It sounds like some of these issues could have been solved right then and there. If you didn't think that Pat cut enough in certain areas then say pat cut more there i don't know i'm very bad about that myself but i also don't leave a one-star review that's wanting to disbar my barber cutting my hair i'm gonna disbarber you disbarber you that sounds like dismember sounds like sweeney todd i was about to say and we all know what that means yeah it's nothing good folks maybe that's who it is you think pat is sweeney todd it's pat pat todd sweeney's cousin pat todd man i'm so glad you said that because that's perfect end to this episode. Wow. Oh, help.

Help. Anyway, thanks for listening to today's episode, everyone. We forgot to talk about how we're going on tour. I was about to. I was thinking that. I was like, man, we need to talk about that more. Yeah, we're going on tour this summer. We're so excited to see you all.

We're going to multiple places. Tempe. We're going to Tempe. We're going to Salt Lake City. We're going to St. Louis. We're going to Kansas City. This is not in order, I don't think. New York. We're going to New York. We're going to Salt Lake City. We're going to St. Louis. We're going to Kansas City. This is not in order, I don't think. New York.

We're going to New York. We're going to Boston. We're going to DC. And Philly. Oh, yeah. Wait. Right? We're not going to Philly.

I forgot we're going to Philly. How cool is that? Are we? I might have made that up. I'm pretty sure. Y'all, beach2sandy.com. It's right there. It's like the first thing you see when you go to beach2sandy.com.

It is Philly. Summer Tour 2023. Phew. Oh, and I did say them in order. You did. I know. Well, okay. We mix up Philly and DC dates in order, but they're in the same batch.

Just find us. Y'all, go find them. Go get your tickets now. Some of them have like, or at least New York, I think, has like certain table seating. So you want to get on that before the primo spots are all taken. People in some of the groups or comments are sharing tables when it's like a place that requires a table purchase. Some of them require two, either two or four person tables to be bought. Right.

So like check out, you know, if you're Patreon, go to our Facebook group there. You can even post on our creator page there on patreon um you can post there's a beachy sandy discord for patrons there's also a an unofficial fan group on facebook beachy sandy fan group i think is what it's called i don't know um maybe comments of our social media like asking asking people. I don't know. But yeah, hopefully you all can find like-minded individuals with impeccable vibes to go to these shows with. We can't wait to see you there. Yes, we are so excited, y'all. Alrighty.

Talk to you soon. Bye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Brian Heveron-Smith, cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.