Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 235: Reviews of Themed Bed and Breakfasts

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

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do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but i'd give it zero stars if i could well hello there hi welcome to beach to sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I am X-Teen. I'm Zandy. How are you doing? I'm doing well.

You know, speaking of Zandy, sometimes when you say X-Teen, I say X-Sandy. Yeah. You know, just for the joke. It's hilarious. Facebook won't let me change my name from Alex to Zandy. Why? And I'm convinced it's because they think my name is X Andy and I'm just being, I'm like, or my name is Andy and I'm trying to be a cool gamer.

X, yeah, like X Games. Exactly like X Games. That's what I think it is. Well, no, when I was streaming. Well, I told Facebook. Is that not what I was supposed to tell them? What? That I'm all X Games mode or something?

I told Facebook not to change your name. Not to change my name. No, I think they actually require you to have like proof of a name change. Are you serious? Which is ridiculous. That's not fair. Because half the people in my friends list

aren't using their real names. No, and also. And I've never changed in my life. Like since I started in 2009 or whatever. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe. Maybe that is actually an issue. But no, when I would stream and I'd raid people and like bring my and they don't know me they're like oh thanks for the raid

x andy or they'd say andy they just think my name is andy but i'm putting an x in front of it now you get that i mean i got it but i didn't think people actually it's like xx noob slayer xx on like my old gamer tag you know I bet Facebook will let you change it to that. That's right. Anyway, I'm Zandy. Hi, Zandy. We are doing a themed bed and breakfast today. Yes.

I kept typing in Airbnb because my head doesn't... It's weird. I did the same thing. It's unfortunate. I always forget. It is unfortunate because I always forget bed and breakfast is a real thing outside of Airbnb. It's themed B&Bs. And I spent about 10 minutes trying to explain that to Blaze where he was like, what do you

mean themed? Like the theme is bed and breakfast? And I was like, no, the theme is themed. Good point, actually. I think we were both really tired. And I said, no, like themes. And he's like, what kind of theme? And I'd already done my research and I stared at him and I was like 1830s and he's like that's a theme i was like i think

so kind of sort of i've seen some like old castle shit that the whole thing is i don't know prim and proper probably i don't know exactly and then he said but aren't all b&b's like that and i was like kind of i feel like a lot of them are it's very confusing not really it's just they gotta like get have some sort of draw you know sometimes yeah they gotta pull you in with some spectacle have you stayed at one never have you see that's the thing is i don't again i don't know i'm i'm kind of with a blaze here what what is that because i stayed at uh the socrates lighthouse with d we it was a bed and breakfast but it was a lighthouse bed and breakfast and everything so because I stayed at the Socrates Lighthouse with Dee. It was a bed and breakfast,

but it was a lighthouse bed and breakfast and everything. So the theme was lighthouse. Yeah, that I feel like. But like it was a lighthouse. It wasn't just like some, they made up a theme. It was literally a lighthouse. But inside there was like a little museum for the lighthouse. Right, like they leaned into it. Yeah.

Oh yeah. And then you go up, you can like literally go up and see the light and everything. And at night, too. It was really cool. You basically have the run of the place. Did you find reviews of that? I actually don't remember.

I feel like I'd have in the past. Because that- I think I looked, and I don't know if I found any. Because that fits. I definitely looked. Yeah. I did this research a week ago. I was really on top of it for some reason.

But here's my problem. Nice surprise for all of us. With a bed and breakfast. Uh-oh. The breakfast. No, the bed. The bed. Yeah.

I'm like, I don't know. Is this, I don't want, I mean. Is this a haunted thing or a box spring owl thing? Just like it kind of feels like you're staying in a stranger's house. You sort of are. I kind of like my privacy. And I like in a hotel when everything's kind of like this. You know it's been laundered.

I don't know. I feel like a quilt is something I don't want to use in a stranger's house. Fair. Does that make sense? I think bed and breakfast in a stranger's house. Fair. Does that make sense? I think bed and breakfast have plenty of quilts. Yeah, and I don't have a problem with quilts in general. I just am like, are they dusty? Is there like one of those curtains around the bottom of the bed?

You know? Yeah, I think so. Is that dusty? And it's probably not. It's probably just my... So you just don't like the dust. Yeah, I'm a little afraid of the mildew and the dust. Oh, the mildew now?

You didn't say that yet. Well, you didn't let me get there, but I'm worried about... I'm glad I didn't. The mildew and the dust. I live in an old-ass house, and I love old-ass houses, so it's not that... Just a thought. I have a thing about sleeping in a bed that I... When's your therapy?

Three? Two and a half hours from now? Not soon enough, should we call it. Okay, let's not talk about it anymore. No, no. It's so not interesting, and I feel like it... I think so many people right now are nodding their heads, and they're like, yes, I get it. I feel like it pains me to be kind of hoity-toity, and I'm not...

That's not what you're... I'm not trying to be that way. I just get a little wigged out by like other people's you know makes sense furnishings what that makes a lot of sense okay it feels like you're staying in someone else's home yeah and not only that it's a stranger's home i have i i feel uncomfortable when i stay at like family members homes or friends home sometimes let alone i know you look really awkward right now and uncomfortable just being around me here. Look, I had to nap on this damn thing that I'm sitting on so many times.

You had to? I had to physically. I couldn't drive home unless I took a nap back then. Okay, that's fair. And that I was comfortable because it's- Great. So here is different, it turns out. Okay, good.

That's the only time I've slept here. And you know what? It's not because I launder anything because I don't. So that's not it. That's the only time I've slept here. You know what? It's not because I launder anything because I don't. So that's not it. And I'm also not a very clean person. So it's not fair. But maybe that's why I'm projecting. I'm like, if I had a bed and breakfast, I'd be like, this quilt's not that dirty.

You can use it. So I don't know. Do you want to go first? Sure. OK. This was sent in by Elta. This is of the Cotton Mansion Boutique Hotel. You made me nervous. Elta sent mine too.

Elta. So Elta, I've noticed this. Sends multiple emails. Don't worry. Yeah. So we mentioned that. I remember this actually. We mentioned how great it was.

And Elta, every theme, maybe not exact everything. Oh, splits them up so that we have multiple access points. Yes, so we can multiple access points each access different emails very very multiple elta reviews without one person having to read all of them and then maybe just picking one it's extremely thoughtful yes so i just whenever elta sends an email i'm like i'm just gonna pick one randomly sounds good i'm in okay gotcha yeah so the cotton so also what's fun though uh is just finding out about all these wild places you can sleep yes i'm not saying i want to i'm with you and many of the things that you said i don't i'm

not a big fan of kind of like my privacy when i'm traveling i don't want to like chat with i don't want to feel obligated to be like yes chatty with people and oftentimes that comes comes with the i don't really want to do like a group happy hour with everyone else sleeping there. I'm not saying like I wouldn't have a good time. I just, it makes me nervous. It's not your thing. It's not my thing. And that's fine.

So the Cotton Mansion was built in 1908. It's a 16,000 square foot Italian Renaissance mansion and carriage house located in the historic mansion district of Duluth, Minnesota. My oh my. I bet you didn't expect me to say Duluth, Minnesota at the end of that sentence. You know, I actually totally closed off any expectations because I was like, this could be literally anywhere. And that's nothing against Duluth, Minnesota. I would love to go there because you know why?

I think that's where or near where split rock lighthouses, one of the fucking dopest lighthouses in the world. So can you stay there? No, I don't think it's pretty small. I think it's like on a cliff side. It's pretty, it's, I wouldn't, I don't know if I'd want to, although Saugerties, that was pretty cool. Like you're staying like on the river, on the Hudson. Cool. And then we drove down the Hudson back to the city and stopped at different lighthouses. And that's where I got my slate roof, my lighthouse, a piece of a lighthouse building slate roof.

That's very cool. That a little shop was selling. I thought you pried it off with your bare hands. Not me personally, no. All right. Here's a review of the Cotton Mansion Boutique Hotel, one star. This is by Chad. From the minute we arrived, the innkeeper was unfriendly and made us wait outside because we were eight minutes early. Our room was essentially a large closet.

There was no shower whatsoever and a double-sized bed which was not advertised or known to us. We could hear our neighbors until two in the morning being very noisy. And yes, the walls in our room are paper thin because it's essentially a closet. At breakfast, the innkeeper inquired why I was not having coffee. And I said, I didn't care for any, thank you. And then he persisted and pushed further and said, well, how come? I thought you want a coffee. It's at that point I told him that that's not a coffee, that's water.

He then immediately became sarcastic and rude. He then stated that he would like us to leave. And I said, I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't know why it is that you can't take constructive criticism about coffee. About 20 minutes later, he knocked on our closet door or I should say our room and asked me if I wanted a refund and leave. I told him, no, we have plans. It's my wife's birthday, as you know. I thought he was about to say it's my wedding day. He said it's my wedding day. And I went, oh, no.

At least that kind of explains maybe the bridezilla attitude the stress and stuff yeah chad's bridezilla attitude um asked me if i wanted a refund and leave and i told him no we have plans it's my wife's birthday as you know then he stayed in through the door you're a terrible terrible person never in my life have i been treated so poorly end of review is there a response um nope oh what the fuck oh wait so the guy just said oh okay i'm not gonna say just i'm not gonna take this reviewer's words at face value but but like yeah i don't know if i that's our nightmare if we don't want to have coffee and someone's like while you're staying at this place and you're like I'm not gonna drink that coffee and they're like

why are you not drinking the coffee why are you not drinking their coffee yeah it's annoying that is annoying but I wonder if there's something else how does he know it tastes like water unless he's already tried it it almost seems like he either took a sip put it down and then the guy was like why don't you like your coffee maybe but like just i don't care for it is all that needs to be said one time i think i've said this but i made coffee in my office when i worked for uh you know who yeah uh i worked i made a pot of coffee and christina i messed up the proportions like i always do and my poor manager Lori drank it and didn't say a thing until later I like drank it myself and I was like Lori you should have said something this is awful and

she was like I felt bad like I know you tried or something you tried that's the thing like oh she was so wonderful I as a PA out in LA I would like be told to make coffee and I would have to google how to make coffee which is so sad I know but like I still do that I now I own a coffee maker so I figured my shit out but still fucking look it up a while I was like very perplexed I've stopped enjoying coffee as much lately I don't know my my body's changed but But why? But why? Why don't I drink? But why? It's basically water.

Might as well drink water. You're a terrible person. I know. This is wild. That's the other thing. And I don't want to paint all bed and breakfast with the same broad brush. But I feel like there are a lot of incidents with the owners or managers that are off the wall. Like, they just seem so eccentric, these conversations sometimes. I mean, if you're one to open your home

to strangers to sleep and make them breakfast, oftentimes, yeah. I will say, though, so at Socrates Lighthouse, the innkeeper is the lighthouse keeper. He lives there with his family. is the lighthouse keeper is he lives there with his family um but it's a completely separate i never saw his family i only saw him um but like super like the the the calmest presence of any person i think i've ever met in the best way no he was so great and um oh we did see his family they were outside uh because there's like a half mile trail or something leading up. And they were like outside like doing work on the trail. Yeah, basically like yard work, but on the trail that people take to walk to the lighthouse when we first showed up. But super friendly.

And then the next day, like we said we're vegan. And like he made a full vegan spread. What? Like it was like vegan pancakes. Delightful. And he told us all the ingredients and was just like so the best coffee too he made it on like this like pot belly looking stove this really old stove that was there the best experience and yet he just made coffee and like disappeared that you know and it was just so sweet and kind you said he like walked through a wall and vanished

it's true it's true and it's weird because the people doing the yard work outside were wearing like really long skirts. They were in period costume. Yeah. It was a whole thing. Yeah. And then they said, there hasn't been a family living here for 65 years. And the wailing at night was a really nice touch.

The wailing. Oh, no. I woke up. I thought it was Dee. And I was like, oh, Dee's up on top of the lighthouse again Wailing She's always doing that We have an exciting announcement

This evening, as you're listening to this episode We are doing a live show on my Twitch channel Twitch.tv slash Zandy Schieffer It's in the description It's just a normal Beach You Sandy like episode sort of live show. We're going to read some reviews and we're doing it to promote our live dates this summer. We're going to be reading emails, some between you and us emails, 7.15 PM Eastern time, Eastern standard time, I think. The standard one. The standard one. Not

the other one. So we'll see some of you there. We'll put it on our YouTube channel afterwards. So if you're listening to this Thursday and you're like, damn it. Yeah. Don't worry. We got you. Hopefully I've uploaded it by then. But if you're listening to it a year from now.

We got you eventually. You should find it. Okay. Bye. It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back. Win big with a daily $10,000 jackpot sponsored by Tim's Financial. Earn an entry with every roll. Play now on the Tim's app.

Rules apply. Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in so you can change the music. Oh yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2.

See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Okay, so my first one is also from elta and this is of a place called 300 clifton oh uh and i went on the website and it's described as follows 300 clifton is a 1906 family estate home with period appropriate roomsate rooms and a large English garden.

So. I don't want to go back to 1906, back as if I've been there before. Those were the good old days, you know. Doesn't sound very fun to me. My first thought always when people are like, oh, I wish I were born in an earlier decade, is like the dentistry. Think of the dentistry. That's your first thought?

My first thought is think of the racism. Well, obviously. But my first thought is when I'm talking to somebody who is kind of out of touch, I'm like, there's no Novocaine like 150 years ago. You're going to die from a toothache. Hello? You're going to live the rest of your life with a toothache. Or just get it yanked.

Anyway. I like that. That makes sense. I just feel like it's more relatable to people who are out of touch and don't understand why. Because sometimes maybe they want to go back because of the racism. Exactly. And I say no Novocaine, though. No, remember that.

But I will say I get Renaissance fare. Like, going way back and doing, like, aissance fare kind of thing of that kind of thing. That I get. But like more recent past, it's like, let's let it sit for a little while at least. Maybe it'll be a thing some hundreds of years from now. It'll come back around. Yeah. Yeah.

And be cool again to not use Novocaine at the dentist. Exactly. This is a one star review by jenny upon arrival we were impressed with the beauty of this historical house which instead ended up becoming a house of horrors we were led to our room in the carriage house which was a shabby and very small with windows that were filthy as As is my habit, I stripped the bed to inspect for signs of bed bugs. We found several flakes of what appeared to be molted skin and shell. Molted skin?

Do humans molt? Is that a thing? You think they mean of the bugs? But I don't think bugs have skin. Yeah, that's what I'm saying is molted skin? Gross. Why don't you say snake skin? You can say skin for things.

What if they found a snake skin? What if they found a snake skin? We immediately notify it. Sorry, that just means that the snake's probably still there, just bigger than it before. That's scary. You take off the sheets and there's a snake skin. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

That's really, I'm trying to process that. To be clear, that's not what happened here. Oh, my bad. Just to clarify. I know, I know. We found several flakes of what appeared to be molted skin and shell. We immediately notified our hosts

and they moved us to the third floor of the main house. The room was hot. There was no air conditioning or climate control. After a thorough floor of the main house. The room was hot. There was no air conditioning or climate control. After a thorough check of the bed, we decided to stay and make the best of it. Sleep was uncomfortable due to the heat. There was no TV in the room, no cups for brushing teeth, no full-length mirror for getting ready, no toiletries such as Kleenex or bar soap, and no extra towels. No breakfast at this bed and breakfast. We were given one bath towel, hand towel, and washcloth each for the stay.

The second night we returned from a long day of shopping to find our room untouched. No making the bed, no new towels, and no reply to our supposedly 24 hour text line for assistance. In fact, it wasn't until we went in search of towels ourselves that we were shocked and horrified to come face to face with a bat flying around the upstairs. We screamed and ran back to our room, at which point we had to decide what to do, since our text request for towels was ignored.

We proceeded to call the text-only number and were informed that they, quote, took care of the bat. I can't imagine a bat was caught that quickly, and not to mention we were not even checked on when we screamed. If they knew to come up and catch a bat, then they certainly heard us screaming. But instead, they silently removed a bat and left us scared in our room? Very strange. Regardless, we were done. Enough!

We were told they could not refund the stay due to booking through a third-party site. Even if that's the case, it would be good business practice to offer some form of reimbursement, such as setting us up with lodging elsewhere as we were two moms, 10 hours away from home, leaving at midnight. We ended up sleeping in our car at a rest area. Instead, we got a shrug of the shoulders and a half-hearted and rude apology as if we were such a huge inconvenience. End of review. How can you go to a 1906 place and be upset that they don't have AC? I know, climate control.

There's no climate control. There are bats, which I think is a plus. I think it's a plus. I get it. Okay, that one I get. It would scare the crap out of me if it flew at me. But then they dealt with the bat, so what's the problem? The bat didn't bite you. The bat didn't do anything to you. The bat was just existing. Then they handled the bat. I don't know what that means, but what's the problem here one time our our aunt in germany climbed into bed and a bat flew out from under her comforter yeah

i think about that a lot that would scare me so bad yeah no that's scary but that's what you get when you're in a house old house or something you know that's what you get when you're in a house, old house or something. You know? That's what bats, they're probably bats living in your house. No, I'm looking around. I think Junie would have told me. No way. He's friends with those guys. He's not telling on them.

Are you kidding me? Sorry, dad texted me. So this is a friend who lives in Bermuda. Asked me if I knew anyone who could help him get two tickets to the Taylor Swift concert in Cincinnati on July 1st. What? I don't know. This is what? I swear to God.

What is happening? I don't know. All right. Now I have a review of the Red Victorian, which is in San Francisco. It's a historic hotel. And it looks really kind of cute. It looks like there's a cafe in the bottom. It was built in 1904 as the Jefferson Hotel.

Blah, blah, blah. Wait, where is it? San Francisco. Let's see. Here is a two-star review of The Red Victorian. I don't know if I was treated differently because I booked on Airbnb. And normally, I never write bad reviews ever. But I'm so disappointed in this place.

I have to. I'm sorry. There were so many commas in that sentence. It was so hard to read. One of my pet peeves is overuse of commas. You would hate this sentence. Yeah. I'm going to read it again with the same comma. And dad keeps calling me about his business friend Bermuda. I need to, I need to, I just can't. And he's texting me please call me smiley face. I can't. I'm working. I called him the other day

and he didn't even say happy Mother's Day. And I said, it's Mother's Day. And he said, okay. I was like, all right. You're not my mother. You're not going to buttering me up. Yeah. You have all those Taylor Swift tickets for his Bermuda.

I'm serious. If he wants Taylor Swift for his Bermuda friend, then he better, you know, be a little nicer to us. Agreed. Okay. I'm going to read this again with the commas. I don't know if I was treated differently because I booked on Airbnb, comma, and normally, comma, I never write bad reviews, comma, ever, period. But I'm so disappointed in this place, comma, I have to. Dot, dot, dot, dot.

Oh, my God. Okay. Now you got that. In this place, comma, I have to. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Oh my god, okay. Now you got that. I will stop reading comma, but let me just tell you there are a lot more in this thing, but I'll stop saying every time.

First of all, they charged me $50 for a cleaning fee. My bed wasn't even made, and the bunking room is a complete mess. I don't care about the room being clean. Just don't charge $50 for literally nothing. I'll post a picture soon so you know I'm not being a priss. There was no photo. A what? A priss. Oh. Like prissy. Prissy? Yeah. Okay. They did not post a photo so I don't know that. Boo. So he is a priss. They have no desk. The lady at the boutique next door told me where to go. The guy I was emailing had no idea who I was. When I pulled up their emails, he says,

yeah, I've been answering lots of people, except he's got time to practice juggling in their back room. Doesn't seem like he has any idea what's going on. What? What's happening? I don't know. But this place seems so cool.

He's just practicing his juggling in the back. Also, like. Instead of helping the people stay in there. I love it. I respect it. I feel like that's helping. Yeah, he's on his juggling grind. He's helping somebody.

True. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Their cook was a nice guy, and he gave me a tour of the kitchen. Except I didn't want a tour of the kitchen. I wanted to find my room and put my stuff down, which no one offered to help with. And I was ignored numerous times when I asked. It seemed like no one was going to help me even find my room until some anonymous man in the corner told me where to go.

What in the world? This place is so scary. I feel like it's The Shining when they're in the basement, like looking through the kitchen. Yeah. Ooh. Not going to lie, it felt like one of those nightmares where something is going wrong, but no one in your dream can understand you. The building itself is very beautiful. I didn't try the food, but it smells good.

Seems the place is built on good intentions, but no one has any clue what's going on. And they will find ways of charging you a lot for nothing it's nice if you want a place to crash and you don't care about wasting your money i won't be back end of review do they charge for the juggling fee i don't know how the juggling factors into any of this they charged a tour a fee for the tour of the kitchen oh my juggling lesson a juggling lesson i mean this place sounds delightful in the worst way yes this sounds like your kind of airbnb yeah or bed and rest see i did it again to be fair this reviewer mentioned airbnb but yeah it seems like if any place maybe your kind of place but

just like for the shits and gigs. Yeah. Just for the story. Yeah, for the story. And again, I cannot stress this enough. I don't want to sleep there. No. I'll just go there. Just go there, yeah. Hang out for a bit.

Yeah. And learn how to finally juggle. I don't believe you would. I do know how to juggle, but only. No, you don't. I do, but only like one round. Scarves? Oh, well, okay. That's, yeah. Because then I don't understand how to juggle, but only... No, you don't. I do, but only like one round. Oh, well, okay.

That's, yeah. Because then I don't understand how to continue. So you don't know how to juggle. I do. I know what you're saying. Here's a review of a place called the Out and About Treehouse Treezort. It's a treehouse. That's a cool one.

Sofa mine are just like old. Cave Junction, Oregon. Oh. treehouse that's a cool one yeah it's in so far mine are just like old cave junction oregon oh and i googled like weirdest bed and breakfast and the list had a bunch of bread and bed and bed and breakfast that weren't even that weird and i was like i don't understand bread and breakfast now that that's an idea is where i'm going i love bread and i want a tour of the kitchen please um so this was the only one on that list that actually seemed like unusual i feel like the rest were like a beautiful victorian home and i'm like they all are like i used some lists and it was like yeah a bunch of just old places. They didn't seem that strange to me, but this one was more unique.

Yeah. And so I found a review, and this is a two-star review on TripAdvisor by a user called Six-Towed Cat. Oh. And here we go. The treehouses and grounds are still beautiful. The bridges and stairs are still usable. Treehouses and grounds are still beautiful. The bridges and stairs are still usable.

But if you're not paying full price summer rates, the company and staff don't care about your stay. They advertise themselves as a bed and breakfast, which is a joke considering the sad breakfast of old bagels and rock solid margarine while an angry staff member sits nearby and works on her knitting project and blasts techno music out of old laptop speakers. Look, if you want to be verbally assaulted along with your taste buds and ears first thing in the morning, then this is the place for you.

If not, then maybe I can entice you with a cold shower in the winter because you're not going to get any hot water here. What romantic getaway is complete without a little hypothermia? Don't worry, you still get to pay extra for the privilege of staying in a room with a bunk hot water heater, though. The staff are kind about letting you down easy after you complain, but they still don't bother to inform you that the clawfoot bathtub they just upsold you on isn't really going to work out quite like you expect when you book. I was super disappointed with this place

and hope other people don't get swindled with their over-promise and under-deliver scheme like we did. End of review. Yikes. And there was a response, but it was mostly just like kind of... Boilerplate.

A little bit, but it was mostly just like a kind, like, you know, it's hard sleeping in a tree and getting hot water, you know, which I'm like, okay, that's fair. But also like. If I'm booking a tree house in the winter that offers hot water.

Yes. I'm expecting there to be hot water. If they're telling you there's hot water and showers and then there are not. I feel like because it's also. It's weird. I feel like, because it's also- It's weird. Maybe I read a review of this place because this review, I don't have it here, but I feel like I read a review that mentioned that was maybe a tree house with no hot water.

Was this on Yelp? No, TripAdvisor. No, I didn't look at TripAdvisor. So maybe there's a Google review of a place similar to this. It was a tree house. Then they mentioned a cloth foot tub that they were like upset that they couldn't use. No way. Because there was no hot water.

So how are they going to take a bath? And that was one of the selling point. And they were like, they basically complained that they were upsold this room. If this were anything but a tree house, like any bed and breakfast, a cloth foot tub, I'd be like every single one of these places, I'm sure has a cloth foot tub. I'm like almost positive. But a tree house and a cloth. Or I'm just combining two reviews, but I know I had a treehouse that didn't have hot water

and a place that had a clawfoot tub that they couldn't use because there was no hot water. And I think it was the same review. It probably was. Well, apparently that's what happened here. Where was this located? Cave Junction, Oregon. You know, I think I might, because I... Did you look at the 50 states? Well, like one...

Uh-uh. So I looked at this list of like the weirdest bed and breakfast in each state. Yeah. And I just kind of like scrolled through that randomly. And so this... And those had some weird ones. But so many of them didn't have many reviews, which was a bit of a shame. This one had a lot.

And I think part of the reason is that it was featured on Travel Channel years ago. Okay. And so then somebody who booked it said they had to wait 10 months for an opening to get in. Jeez. It's like apparently, and it's pretty pricey, I think. That's how it was with Sogarty's Lighthouse. Oh, yeah. It's booked.

So I won an auction. Was there a lottery lottery or something it was an auction that i won and they they i think once a year is like to benefit the united states lighthouse society uh and they did an auction for different lighthouses across the country so they're a couple in california a lot in michigan of course because that's where more most lighthouses are um but basically a list of bed and breakfast lighthouses that were offering a night to stay as part of this charity auction. Saugerties Lighthouse was one. And I was like, that's driving distance from the city. And it was like, you can pick any date within season, but it's like first come first serve. So you have to email them and give your availability and book it. But yeah, it was the only one that made sense, and I won.

So it was really exciting. Thank you. Thank you. It was really hard typing in those numbers and pushing that button. And it was worth it. Thank you. Okay, can I go now? Sorry, my bingo blitz is buzzing at me.

Nice. Did you see I got to level 29 already? I did see a notification. You have a gift waiting in your inbox. I wonder if that's what that is. I've sent you several. You've sent me gifts? Yeah, several.

That's so nice. I'll send some back. All righty. My next one is of the gingerbread mansion inn and uh long-term viewers of uh zandy's stream will remember that there was a time i think i was playing geoguessr i ended up outside the gingerbread mansion or something what is this okay it's really just like an old mansion it's same as the others it's just like an old timey it's not actually like ginger it's not made of gingerbread believe it or not it's not

but we talked about doing a um like a stream meet up there just for fun and we were looking at it and the rooms and like first of all it's kind of creepy old like haunted looking but like beautiful rooms and beautiful tubs like there was this one tub in the middle of the room that was just like really cool i don't know why we went through all the photos on stream and stuff why is it called gingerbread because it looks like a gingerbread should i know that um so it says the ring house more recently known the ring hopefully not that ring the ring house more recently known as the Gingerbread Mansion Bed and Breakfast Inn. It wasn't a bathtub.

It was the well that she crawled out of. True. Is one of California's most photographed and published historic homes. One of where? Sorry. California's? Oh. Ever heard of it?

Where is that? I mean, not California. Wow. I knew you have a... your sense of direction is questionable but uh um honestly i it's in northern california does that help at all probably not i don't know it's a big place uh i'll find out but it says experience the warmth of our renowned hospitality in the romantic setting of the high victorian era a four diamond inn, the Gingerbread Mansion is nestled in the heart of the historic town of, oh, it's in Ferndale. It's between breathtaking Northern California redwoods and lost coast beaches. Okay. Yeah.

So it's just, it says they have afternoon tea and breakfast and it's a beautiful, like like, Christina, this place is like, like beautiful Victorian, like really cool colors. Just really, it's really nice looking. Probably very expensive. But the rooms are all very old timey and, you know. Sounds delightful. You know, kind of creepy. But here we go. Here's a two-star review.

First, I'm going to give what I assume was a five-star review. Okay. And then the update. So first I'll do the two-star review um first i'm gonna give what i assume was a five-star review okay and then the update so first i'll do the five-star so this has a five-star review positive start yeah okay um this person's name is death by debt oh they've been having a tough time uh but here's a five star review beautiful in location of our wedding heart eye emojis okay ready for the update no that was it that was the five star here's the update that brought it down to two okay so the negative update i want to have my anniversary here but there's no options for babies i emailed them and there's no response i'm very unhappy end of options for babies. I emailed them and there's no response. I'm very unhappy. End of review. Options for babies?

What does that mean? There's no baby clawfoot tub in every room. Options for babies? What does that even mean? I don't know. Maybe they just don't allow babies? There was no response. I don't really-

No babies allowed. No babies allowed. Listen, I don't know what to tell you I feel like if this were my anniversary and I had a baby I'd either just like what's fun is these things are true for you so we can just hear you this isn't really hypothetical. This is just you. I just, like, it really just, I'd be like, somebody babysit for the night. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Or I just like, let's just chill at home. But I mean, obviously, that's none of my business what you want to do. But you're not thinking to take your baby to the gingerbread mansion?

Yeah. I don't know. It looks like a lovely stay, so I don't know why it wouldn't be good for families. But yeah, maybe they just have a rule or- Well, I'm on the hotel policy. I don't know what it means by no options for baby, like food options? I'm on the- Breakfast options?

I'm on the- Yeah, you're on the website or something? Okay. You can do two nights. It children is oh wait i went to selection so let me let me wait i got it i have the policy oh children policy gingerbread mansion inn is regarded as a quiet escape and romantic getaway for most of our guests and we work hard to foster that environment. Our inn has alcohol in the common areas for our guests' consumption to foster children's safety.

As much as we love children, it is not an appropriate place for children under 10. Nice. I mean, I can understand that. Yeah. No, 100%. And I assume they get a lot more business that way than the other way if you're going on a romantic getaway

or something and you're like in with rooms right next to each other makes so much sense I get it I would want to go to a place that doesn't allow children yeah here's my next one this was sent in by Corinne

she her and I wrote in my notes oh my god because i just was like about corinne no corinne oh my god oh my god corinne no about the review this place she said you have to look at this i'm nervous it's the inn of the patriots and u.s presidential be quiet sorry there's so many more words i know but sorry when you said patriots i was like oh god some right-wing scary politic u.s pride shit and then i was like but i really hope it's the new england and then you said u.s presidents oh okay here we go this is the inn of the patriots and united states presidential culinary museum and united states presidential service center in grover north carolina so it's run by martin mangiello and um martin has a lot of things to say to people who don't enjoy their stay.

Oh, good. So I have a one-star view by Henry, and then I have a response. This B&B was not exactly my cup of tea. The inn actually doubles as a type of White House culinary collectibles slash Civil War museum, so the rooms, halls, and living areas are decorated as such. The bathrooms for many of the rooms were actually built into what used to be the closet of the room next to you. Therefore, as you lay in your bed you hear people farting peeing and defecating in what was once your closet this does not exactly create a romantic environment to say the least

breakfast was delicious but before it had ended marty the chef and owner, walked into the dining room and began an hours-long monologue slash tour of the house. This speech slash tour included the history of South and North Carolina, an array of theatrical and at times terrifying impersonations of past historical figures, laser pointer guided explanations of all the items in his 10 or so curio cabinets and demonstrations of how Native Americans would violently kill people. If you are into that kind of thing, then I hope you're not listening to this podcast first of all. If you are into that kind of thing, then this could be the spot for you. I just wish Marty would have given everyone the opportunity to choose to join the tour or not.

He essentially took a captive audience from the breakfast table and made them listen to him for an hour. Maybe something like, if you'd like a tour of the estate, please meet back here in five minutes. That's what I'm afraid of with a bed and breakfast. I feel like... The worst case scenario. Yeah, like I'm at someone else's mercy. You. Like I feel like. The worst case scenario. Yeah. Like I'm at someone else's mercy. You know what I mean? Yes.

You are basically. Yeah. That's so dramatic, but. I know, but it's how I feel. But that's how I see it too. The tour is roughly an hour and discusses the history of the South and my collection of White House memorabilia. Oh, this is what he's saying he should be describing.

If you'd like a tour, come back in five minutes. Oh, I see. This is still this weird hypothetical of what. memorabilia. Oh, this is what he's saying he should be describing. If you'd like a tour, come back in five minutes. Oh, I see. This is still this weird hypothetical of how he can better himself. Correct. Just wanted to share my experience. Marty, I mean no disrespect, and only hope my review can help you better. You're in for future patrons. And then he wrote sincerely, and then his name.

So here's a response from an owner. Oh, no. Okay. It from an owner. Oh, no. Okay. It's really long. Oh, good. Thank you so much for staying with us, and we were excited today to receive the most renowned Country Inn and Lux Culinary Award for 2016 via Lux Magazine of England.

We do have large signs out front in our welcome guide in our rooms and on our website that our tour and presentation begins every day at nine 30 after breakfast. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait. Where is this located? Uh, Grover, North Carolina. Why is an English magazine giving them an award? Cause for a second I was like, am I crazy? Or is this maybe in England and they're so obsessed with the Carolinas?

And specifically the Carolinas? But why? Because that magazine, an English magazine giving them an award? How much did it cost? Marnie, how much did it cost? I'm just kidding. Don't sue me. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. I don't understand I'm just kidding. Don't sue me. Oh my god.

Oh my gosh. I don't understand why that... Sorry, that just threw me. I thought maybe I've been mistaken this whole time. I got confused when I first read the response because they were like thank you so much for staying with us. We're so excited to have received this wonderful award. And I'm like, are they...

Thank you speech? Yeah, or did they copy and paste the wrong thing? But I think they're just like putting that as... Oh, they're and paste the wrong thing but i think they're just like putting that as oh they're like i don't care what you say i'm award-winning kind of thing yeah after breakfast is the tour at 9 30 some guests depart and are uninterested while other guests come in from the street only for the mansion tour we only speak at the table for 15 minutes of our show, and it has been featured on Fox, CNN, and PBS television, receiving international awards. For the next hour, our tour winds through the mansion on three levels, and we have no idea why you personally felt compelled to stay with the tour group. You certainly were not trapped physically,

nor within your mind, psychotherapeutically. You certainly were not trapped physically, nor within your mind, psychotherapeutically. See, that's suspicious. That makes me think that he was trapped, trapping people that way. He's like, you weren't trapped that way. Everyone else was. So why were you there? You weren't trapped psychotherapeutically.

You didn't pay for that package. Yeah, that wasn't part of our deal. I know, and I went through our records. Psychotherapeutically. I've never even. Okay. As I am part American Indian, let me ensure you legally have your facts correct. As our tour showcases the Revolutionary War battles, we do not speak about American Indians only, but showcase our national park history and story. As far as the bed and breakfast culture, it is well cherished for how the inn

fits bathrooms into rooms. We've never had such a complaint as yours and believe an exceptionally rude guest must have been in the room next to yours, which even my wife and I have experienced at the Westin or Ritz-Carlton at $300 to $700 per night instead, just honestly mentioning this. So he's saying he's heard people

farting and defecating at the Ritz-Carlton. In the past, if it was late night activity, loud and crass behavior, we have called the front desk or informed the manager. Please do that in the future. Can you imagine? Someone's peeing in their bathroom. Can you please send security? Like, what are they going to do? Please do that in the future. Can you imagine? Someone's peeing in their bathroom. Can you please send security? Like, what are they going to do? Please do that in the future as all managers are happy to move you to another room. And on top of that, we would like to apologize for that rude guest and offer you a complimentary two-night stay in return for any other room you would enjoy trying here anytime in the future. Having stayed in hotels worldwide and been in this industry for over 40 years your rating of a one star does not reflect the hotel industry for our six course

breakfast antique furnishings 100 mibips are you trying to say megabytes per second i always say mibips what is it megabytes per second? I always say mibips. What is it? Megabytes per second? Mibips? Oh, no. You're talking about the internet speed, I assume. That's funny. 100 megabytes. Megabytes per second.

Yeah, per second. You got it. Nice. Free Wi-Fi. Is that a lot, by the way? 100? I mean, if everyone's able to get that. Okay, at home, I've got like 900, but that's insane.

That's what I have, the fiber optic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's ridiculous and unnecessary, but I love it. But no, a hundred, yeah, I think I'd be very happy with a hundred megabytes per second at a bed and breakfast. Yeah, for real. That seems surprisingly decent. 417 channels on the TVs in each room. Back and foot massage in each room.

Sheesh, what is this place? I'm into it now. Fuck, go USA, Patriot, woo. What do you mean back and foot massage in each room? He offers that. Marty? To each person in each room. He's he offers that already to each person in each room he's selling me on this i'm sorry i think you're psychotherapeutically trapped he might be getting me i you know what that's the only explanation that really is holy shit this this response seems

it's it's working yeah and a White House chef cooking on premises, which you paid $97 per night for, drastically lower than world standards in society. Additionally, we can find no record of your stay with us under your name. We encourage you to speak with management in hotels during any stay and not use a rip and flame method of coping with challenges on Earth after departing. All of the humans go to work each day trying to get it right and wanting to do a good job in life to make others happy and

successful most of the humans do not go to work hoping to get this sounds now like an alien like i feel like it sounded like a human and now the way he's speaking is like really transformed into something uncomfortable. Yeah, but it's working for me. Oh, God. Most of the humans do not go to work hoping to get things wrong, not be provided any feedback, and then have their work slammed in secrecy after you leave, unable to help, unable to fix, and unable to correct anything. To the masses reading this, your own behavior appears extremely unfair. Thank

you so much for your kind comments about the terrific food and breakfast and feel free to stay again for a complimentary two night stay on the house. End of response. Okay, he's not wrong. I know. You're right. I love that kind of statement because it's so fucking true. So many people are just going to leave a review after the fact, complain about all this shit, and management's going to be like, holy crap, to my face, you were having the best time. I never thought that there was anything wrong because you didn't tell me. And they're not mind readers. They shouldn't be expected to know. Anyway, sorry.

So there are bits of that response that I'm like you get them marty i need advice though talk to me because i just did this i mean i didn't leave a one-star view but i went to a hotel that was out like way too expensive yeah and it wasn't particularly nice or anything it's just like the location i agree ritz carlton is not you're so right no it like wasn't It's not, you're so right. No, it like wasn't, it was like more the name of it. Like it was like a historic place and whatever. And I got in the shower and I was like shampooing my hair.

And I realized that on the walls of the shower, someone had like left all their hair, like all over the walls and they hadn't cleaned it. Yeah. And, you know, I had a show that night and I was like i'm already in the shower okay it's too late now so i took a shower and did the show and we had to leave like first thing in the morning so i like never got to like speak to anyone at management but also like i don't know what i would want them to do i already showered like my baby's sleeping in there i don't necessarily want somebody I don't want to move rooms. Like, yeah. So I never know what to do in that situation.

Cause then I feel like I'm just complaining for the sake of complaining. Yeah. But then afterward they sent like a survey and I was like, to be honest, like the cleaning wasn't. I think that's the best time to do it in that case. Cause the problem with these, these negative reviews, I was just talking to someone with a small business when I was getting um headshots done oh the manager at dunkin donuts yeah yeah the manager at dunkin donuts was talking to me about that was so funny um i have my moments i was talking about how um yeah how like these we were talking about just how these negative reviews can just really impact a business. Yes.

Drastically and dramatically, especially compared to a place like McDonald's or something. Right next door to the Dunkin' Donuts. Sure, where it doesn't matter to them. Right. But, but yeah, it's, it's so like when, when Marty here is like upset that someone's like leaving negativity about this. Okay, to be fair, you're right. I contacted them like privately. It wasn't like I.

That's what I'm saying. It's like in your case, it's completely different. I see. Because you're like providing feedback that's constructive to say, hey, like in the future, maybe step it up or like consider the shower walls and all the hair that's left there. Like maybe the cleaner just didn't, just forgot that day, whatever. The next day i like took my suitcase into the next room and i opened it and there were still all those hairs they'd been everywhere and they got into my clothes the shower hair got into your clothes yeah are you serious i'm dead serious it was everywhere how

how much hair was on this show a lot are you serious it was so gross okay yeah i mean then i might have said something during my stay there. I didn't even know until I left. But I don't think it's wrong to like leave a feedback thing. That's what those are for. And I think that's why they don't want you leaving your feedback as a negative review. Yeah, no, that makes sense. They'd rather you leave it that way.

And I think they'd listen more with that. Like they actually send those for a reason. They did respond actually. And I should probably check what it is, but you know, that can wait for another day. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind

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Do you have another one? Oh, yeah. I've got a couple more, I think. I don't even know what I last said. I got so deep into Marty's world. I wonder why. Marty's world? I think you really got me.

It's not good. It's not good. It'll make you happy to hear that you will continue to be psychotherapeutically trapped because I have another one after. Okay, please. That's great. This one now is Malahan Castle. Oh, they refunded me.

Not all of it, but. See, and that's the thing. It's like you went about the proper way through the proper channels. And you probably weren't mean about it. You just wanted to let them know. I was definitely not mean about it. But, and I also didn't expect anything. No.

To be quite honest with you. And that's what so many reviewers do. They go in expecting some sort of, like them to like kiss their feet and give them shit ton of money or a bunch of stays. Oh, well, they did kiss my feet. They did kiss your feet. That was because. That's all the hair got on there.

Mustache hairs on your wet feet after you got out of the shower. They gave you a little rubbing with their mustache. Okay, I regret it. On your little toes. Deeply. I was going to say the thing about the massage in the room, but your thing was so much worse. So I really,

I regret everything. So here I have a review of the world famous Malahan castle. Malahan? Malahan. M-O-L-L-O-H-A-N. It's in Tucson, Arizona. It's just look it up. Just look it up,

I think. Look up what it looks like. It literally is meant to look like a castle kind of thing. It's very strange. Our goal at Malahan Castle is to provide our guests an excellent venue and space where you can enjoy one-of-a-kind memorable experience with your family, friends, or loved ones.

It looks like where they do that King Arthur's thing. What is that thing? Medieval times. Medieval times. Yeah, yeah. That's the vibe here, basically. It looks like that.

So it looks like that. I do have a review somewhere, if it'll load. It's a one-star review. Here we go. And there's an owner response. We had rented this place out for an event. The owner didn't clean anything or move anything. We had to clean his yard, move benches.

He didn't wash any of the sheets. They had saliva stains and dog hair underneath the comforter. He was very unprofessional. He even ate one of my guests' plate of food that he had left on the table. When they told him that was his plate, he said he had left a piece if he still wanted it. And he is very rude when you try to address something. I didn't eat all of it. There's still a bite.

I left you the best part, the crust. And he is very rude when you try to address something to him. I don't recommend this place at all. End of review. A whole, I cannot believe there's a response. What is he going to say? There's a reason why. Here we go.

Response from owner. Bogus review. These folks tried to hold a cannabis pop-up market totally misrepresented themselves as a legal cbd sales when they were confronted with the truth and found out i supervise all events they developed quite an attitude end of response and the least they could do was offer me a slice of their pizza, which I ate off of their plate. Yeah. So. So they just showed up like hoping to.

Wait, what? They misrepresented themselves. A cannabis pop-up party? Yeah. So they tried to hold a cannabis pop-up market. What is that? I don't know, but they wanted to host their event there and do a pop-up market. i don't know like a market where they sell cannabis stuff but they misrepresented themselves as a legal cbd sales fair so like originally it was

supposed to be a cbd sales fair that's what they were told right but they showed up with all this pot and was like here we are but they weren't like a legal cbd seller so the guy was like what the fuck well you can't do this i assume i. I love that their reaction was, I know what to do. I mean, it sounds about right. I know how to slander this man. I'll say he ate my food, which is like. So bizarre. So bizarre.

But also like if I really thought that, I'd be like, that's a really weird fucking owner if he really did that. No, exactly. That's why I brought it because I thought it was so funny that that accusation was so bizarre. To slander someone. But yeah yeah this place has lovely excellent reviews uh overall and um people have like wedding photos taken like very like medieval times kind of look like a renaissance fair maybe even i know those are probably different i don't really know the difference but it's it's a it seems like a really cool spot to host events and things.

Well, I am looking for a place to host my extremely legal CBD pop-up market. Oh, yes. Sounds like the place for me. It does. So I have a reviews, Andy. Okay. That's what we do here. Of, I don't want to say the whole thing again.

Of Marty's place. I already forget it, but I don't need to remember. The Inn of the Patriots. Yeah, the Inn of the Patriots. Your favorite. I don't understand this place at all anymore. Okay, let me tell you. I know.

It's very confusing because it's a lot of things at once. Like initially, and this is a shame, but whenever I think USA, like pride or patriotism, it's become such a negative thing. It's a loaded concept. It's become so loaded. And it's like, because I love that I'm from the US. I love that I grew up here.

I'm so fortunate for so many things here. Yeah. But I hate it for so many other reasons. I know. I think there's so much that can change. Yeah. So, yeah but i hate it for so many other reasons i know i think there's so much that can change uh yeah so i don't definitely don't have uh north and south carolina pride that's one thing i don't know much about if you did i'd be really confused um i'm trying like i i gotta say like their website doesn't even have like an about us

oh here it is oh my god the quote on the about us page oh your food is beautiful katie couric no what the hell that's hilarious um are in by by DNA and marriage. Wait, what? Our inn by DNA and marriage was built in 1879 by Dr. Alfred Frederick Hambright. Okay. Okay. So they're saying that maybe it's his wife's family or his family and his wife married in. One of them married into his family. family? Oh, maybe. His family and his wife married in? Like one of them married into his family? Yeah, it must be.

But one of them is at least like related to the founders? Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Family business. Okay. There's a lot happening here. I'm trying to understand just skimming, but I think the one of the guy, the chef was like the Clinton administration chef at the White House is what I'm gathering.

So, okay. But if you're paying for 90, what was it, 90 something dollars? 97, yeah. For the stay and for dinner and for breakfast that seems so cheap and a tour and a tour of a curio cabinet the tour i'd go on that tour i don't know how i'd feel about it but i'd at least check give it a shot yeah there's uh there's just a lot that i feel like their website is a little bit like overwhelming yeah um like here i'm just skimming and i just see

she grew up on a farm with as many as 5,000 turkeys at a time on it. And I'm like, who? I don't know. I'm so confused. Okay. Martha Washington. It's just a lot happening. And so I don't totally know, but I assume we'll get some more info from this next review so i'm not worried i'm so glad you think that it's called here i'll show you the picture the inn of the patriots llc okay okay with i presume a patriot a patriot on it uh and it says home of the presidential culinary museum trademark and the Presidential Service Center, trademark, food museum, sleep, shop, cooking classes, wineries. That's my, that's every day for me.

Okay, but then there's one more down. Oh. Like that's a header and then there's a subhead. My weekends is. Gym, library, and home theater with glass candy counter. Hell yeah. VR chamber. What? Hell yeah. VR chamber. What?

And museum. VR chamber? VR is like scary enough. I don't want to go in a chamber. That's where the foot massages take place. Oh no. Please put these special VR socks on your feet. And let them do their magic.

It's actually Marty doing it, but when you put the VR on, it looks like somebody totally, it looks like Martha Washington. Martha Washington. Massaging your feet instead of when you take the glasses or the goggles off, it's freaking Marty. I love it.

There's more. Movie night with popcorn and candy included. Meet and see how a White House chef lives while... Is he in the chamber? candy included. Uh-huh. Meet and see how a White House chef lives while- Is he in the chamber? Is that what the VR is? You just watch his life. They like record, filmed him an entire day.

It's Martha Washington's former chef. So they're just making like polenta. I don't know what they made back then. Polenta? Ritz. I don't know what they made back then. Meet and see how a white house chef lives by the way the chef is a woman okay not marty i think yeah so that's what was confusing his wife

is the chef stormy not not that stormy i didn't say it i didn't say it okay okay? Oh, my God. I'm so confused right now. I told you. It's like so confusing. Because that review also said Marty's the chef. The first one. I just remember. It did. It said the chef and owner, Marty. I'm almost positive.

Okay, and he is wearing a chef outfit. Is he talking about himself in third person when he responds and said, we have a White House chef? Maybe. I love that. I'm pretty sure the wife's stormy because it said, well, you know what? I don't know.

I don't fucking know. Why am I pretending like I know? Hold on. Let me finish this. Meet and see how a White House chef lives while enjoying 990 Mibbips Diamond Internet. So it's upgraded to 990. Wasn't it only 100 before?

990 Mibbips? Yes. That's a lot. Diamond internet. Okay, I mean. 400 plus television channels and a fun-filled museum tour daily. Okay. There's a video.

We shouldn't watch that, right? No, let's not. They're both disabled veterans of the U.S. Navy and accomplished licensed chefs. And Marty, after years of duty aboard U.S. nuclear submarines, got the assignment of a lifetime. We have this awesome Gucci job that you could do. Gucci? Gucci. It's using... I have no idea. Christina, I don't know know i don't know what this video is bruce okay are you ready for this yes this is a one-star review by sasha

are you prepared i think so one needs only to peruse the reviews on yelp and other sites about this place to see what's up. But don't take my word for it. People have complained about everything from Chef Marty's long-winded tours that begin right at the breakfast table, to the fact that Walter Scheib, not Marty, was in fact the Clinton administration's executive chef. Complaining also of dirty rooms and far too much random memorabilia for anything to be cleaned properly. I've also seen firsthand how staff are treated, belittled. One guest claimed that Marty told him to learn to read English when he asked about rescheduling his visit due to his wife undergoing cancer treatment.

And another guest was forced to pay out of pocket for a chair that was already not in great shape and happened to break when the guest was using it. One can also drop in over to Zillow to see that this one-star establishment is up for sale by Keller Williams Realty. One wonders if the bad reviews and the fact that Grover is literally a one-street, no-horse town with no attractions, although Marty will direct you to a winery and a restaurant, both of which he has financial investment in, have finally shown Marty that if he were a true businessman with any business in such establishments, that he would in fact have a much better location than in this nowhere town with nothing to do. Here's a super fun fact. When Marty doesn't like what you have to say, or if he perceives that he will lose an argument, he will bombard you with text telling you to fight him live on Facebook video. Okay, but we've all been there. Come on.

You can't hold that against him. Come on, we've all done that. Facebook video. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. He will bombard you with text telling you to fight him live on Facebook video. And that if you won't fight him on Facebook live, you should still start a live feed for the sole purpose of killing yourself.

To show the world that you know your life has no purpose and it sucks to be you. Oh my God. I'm not in quotations. That's pretty fucking specific. I don't know That's quite the accusation A really specific quote To put

There is an owner response Oh man I'm Look I'm gonna say it I can't wait for the response I might have made a mistake earlier When I was batting for Marty It's okay you were psychotherapeutically trapped That response got me I might have made a mistake earlier when I was batting for Marty. It's okay.

You were psychotherapeutically trapped. That response got me. It was weird. Anyone who wishes to see this no stars chef and his five star vanity tantrum can feel free to message me. screenshots of a 50-something alleged White House superstar belittling a terminally ill woman like the classic gaslighting narcissist personality he is. Oh, and hey, if you do decide to stay here anyhow, and believe you me, I hope you don't, please ask the family what they did with the service animal that their son stole from me, as there are several dozens of people trying to locate and bring her home to me so okay i was gonna say before all that i was like there's bad blood between these two

something's up indeedy i was like this is so pointed response from owner oh dear god i can't handle this i'm just i just want to bow out of the marty world i don't want in i don't want in i'm like setting my intention. It's Marty's world and we're just sucked in by this. We're just in his orbit. Sorry. I don't like that. Response from owner.

Thank you for dating our son. I love how the other one was like, thank you for staying here or whatever. And this one, thank you for dating our son. it was like, thank you for dating our son. Oh my God. Thank you for dating our son and taking advantage of our family and him at every opportunity. The lies, fraud, and false statements

you have made in life are what led to you being arrested and imprisoned. Your abuses in life prior to meeting our son are most likely what led to a judge having your own child taken away from you permanently. Hiding all of these facts from him while dating eventually came out and now lashing out at our family is further unkind. Your additional level of filth and making fun of disabled and injured veterans is a disgrace in all of the human's eyes. End of response.

Um, why is this available publicly on the internet? That's what I'm saying. You should not. I was about to say. I should not have heard any of this. The fact that all of us now have just gotten this insight into this very specific family drama. I love slash hate how he didn't even acknowledge

the terrible things that he said. I know. I know the like texts about fight me on Facebook Live, which I love that he's sending that to his daughter-in-law, basically, like his son's girlfriend. Not even, yeah. I mean, okay. What dad hasn't been there?

Am I right, dads out there? Yeah, Blaze is like, your dad keeps trying to get me to do a Facebook Live battle with him. So that was my last one that was quite the uh that was a doozy huh that was uh so thanks corinne that's why at the beginning of all that i wrote oh my god and then i just left it there because i was like understandable now that'll give me some insight um we my next one is of Jules' Undersea Lodge. Jules? Jules.

J-U-L-E-S apostrophe. Oh, oh, oh. It's in Key Largo, and it's also the home of Jules Lagoon. They offer scuba professional, hold on, blah, blah, blah. The scuba professional and their student the ability to complete their instruction when the weather is not favorable to take a new diver out to the ocean. Our lagoon is certified. Blah, blah, blah. So basically it's a place

you can stay that you can also get scuba certified. That sounds terrible, but I'm also scared of that, so that's my own. We also have an underwater maintenance specialty. What? It's designed for the recreational diver to participate in underwater cleanup with safety for the diver and the environment first and foremost. You will learn the importance of proper buoyancy.

Basically, like learning how to do underwater stuff. It's a noble pursuit. I just am going to sit on the beach and watch, you know? But they've been on The Amazing Race, The Today Show with Lester Holt, National Geographic, Shark Week. Hi, I'm Lester Holt. I listened to that Dateline podcast this morning. Hi, I'm Lester Holt. I listened to that Dateline podcast this morning. Hi, I'm Lester Holt. Sorry.

I forgive you. Yeah, so it seems like an interesting spot. Here we go. One Star Review. This is by Natalie. This place is like going to your grandmother's house. This is by Natalie. money to spend, however, and we went anyways. When we got there, after the scuba course, which was mediocre at best, and the trip down, we were greeted with a room that looked and smelled similar to a retirement home. As time went on, we got hungry and decided to order some pizza. However, it took so long to get to our room and was cold by the time we got it.

It didn't taste right. The crust tasted fishy. There was this three-hour scuba dive thing that was a complete waste of time and money. Overall, unless your grandmother's dead and you have money to spare, do not come here. End of review. Unless your grandmother's dead? What is, like what, so you can't visit her? Yeah. So you might as well visit here instead? Yeah, literally.

Dear Lord. I mean, listen, I don't know anything about this place or scuba. About Jules' undersea lodge. I don't, but it's not my jam, you know? No, and it's not my jam either, but I assume if that's what you're looking for, it seems hard to... I assume there aren't that many places like it. When you say, oh, the class is mediocre, I'm like, as compared to what? How many of these classes do you take where you know?

I mean. Maybe they just do. But I wonder how many they've taken that were also offered by a bed and breakfast. Also, aren't you already certified then? You don't need to take the class. Presumably, yes. Presumably. I don't know.

Maybe. Hey, get this. Seems a little fishy to class. Presumably, yes. Presumably. I don't know. Maybe. Hey, get this. Seems a little fishy to me. It's good, right? Yeah. A little crusty. That is so gross, by the way. Fishy crust.

That's disgusting. I mean, it's like. Like being in a place that's meant for underwater sport and then the food also, the non-fish food tasting fishy what do you expect you know oh yeah but it seems like a a unique interesting place uh i have one more oh great it's a redemption it's a four inn and instead of like um so it's it is located in oh gosh i should look this up sequim washington sequim sequim s-e-q-u-i-m washington and it's a bunch of like train cars in an area and you stay in the different train cars i like

the sound of that um yeah so it's pretty cool and then like each room i think has a different like style and i don't know if i'd say it's a different theme each but yeah they're different like by room i mean these freaking cool colorful painted railway cars um that's a sign that says railway crossing. So here's an example of one of them. Oh, cool. Yeah. It's literally just like railway cars, like box cars, stuff like that. I would love to do that.

That's more my speed. Right? Yeah. So anyway, here's a redemption, four-star review. What a unique, fun place to stay. My husband is a locomotive engineer. So staying at an historic, classy caboose was an adventure for both of us. Unique, fun place to stay. My husband is a locomotive engineer. So staying at an historic, classy caboose was an adventure for both of us.

We stayed at the Great Escape Caboose. And oh my gosh, I just loved soaking in the large copper tub. Oh, wait, it says large Cooper tub. Is that a thing? Or did they spell? I just read it as copper. I think it means copper. Okay. Anyway. I typed in Cooper tub and the internet said. it as copper. I think it means copper. Okay. Anyway.

I typed in Cooper Tub in the internet and said, we think you mean copper. I just wished we had arrived earlier to soak in more time there. But unfortunately, both of us had to work, so we didn't get there before dark. He had to work on an actual train. Yeah. I can imagine that. Bummer. Super easy check-in,

easy to find, quiet location. My only little complaint is I didn't find the bed super comfortable, but haven't slept on a spring mattress for a while,

so not used to it. Next time, I'm hoping we can stay at the Casey Jones caboose. End of review. That is the sweetest thing ever. Yeah. I love that review.

Yeah. I mean, that's like like i feel like a memory for ever like for a lifetime like you and your partner go right like how you stayed in the lighthouse exactly such a cool i always talk about it whenever i get the chance it's so cool it was such a cool experience and i just love when people are like, oh, he does this for work, but we appreciate it enough to actually spend his off hours inside. I hope he appreciated it enough to spend his off hours in the train. And they have a copper tub. That sounds so cool. Some of the tubs I saw pictures of look pretty nice.

Man. I'm not that interested in staying in a tree house, but a train car would be cool. Train car. I'm in for that. I'm down for any of those. I love this weird stuff, but I just don't want the bed and breakfast elements. That part I'm not into. Yeah.

That freaks me out. So this is my challenge. Okay. I was going to say, you have more? Nope. Good. We're done. Do you remember what my challenge is?

No. I have no idea it's from patty it's reviews where people complain about someone farting near them and ruining their experience how could i forget alexander and that wait i saw an email come in about an in review that might fit your challenge that was that one you just read the one you read about farting in the closet next oh i think that might was that an email i put from corinne i put that that was from corinne and i forgot that it said did it say maybe it didn't say that i thought it did maybe i'm thinking of a different email it doesn't? Maybe it didn't say that. I thought it did. Maybe I'm thinking of a different email. It doesn't, but like it does fit. Doesn't it fit? Yes, and that's why.

Maybe I'm thinking of a different challenge then because I feel like that happened recently. Because that, I remember I put that in there and I was like, wow, this is getting a little too crossover here. People farting in the bathroom closet or whatever. So, yeah, it does kind of fit. Yeah. This first one that I have was sent in by Patty actually, when the challenge was first sent in. And this is a two star review of a restaurant.

I don't have the name. By Uncle Jay. Great food, but it would be nice if the women waiters didn't walk by and pass gas. I'm trying to enjoy my dinner. I don't want to smell no one else's dinner from the a-hole. Poor Jesus. So unnecessary. Hugzinner, all of these are so-

The first sentence was much, just plenty. Like it's enough. We don't need to know. Oh my God. Hugzinner, but can I tell you something? It continues to get so much worse. We don't need to know. Oh, my God. I'm sitting here, but can I tell you something? It continues to get, like, so much worse. I'm going to use that. I don't need to smell the dinner from your a-hole.

It's so gross. I will never forgive you if you ever say that again. It's so bad. Just don't fart around me, and I won't do it. I won't. Here's a Panera Bread review. Man, it reminds me of that time I got that massage and the masseuse farted the entire freaking time.

That was mind-blowing. We're getting there. Oh, gosh. Okay. So here's a review of Panera Bread, one star. The title of this review on TripAdvisor is The Manager Farted Right in Front of Me. And I love it because every word is the first letters capitalized like it's the title of a book. The manager farted right in

front of me. And other tales of eating up an air bread. Dinner from my. I can't with that. It's so bad. Horrible. Oh, my God. While sitting in the booth seat closest to the soda machine with my family by the way the entire time family is spelled f-a-m-i-l-e-y interesting and it's spelled that way over and over you're just adding work here you're adding too many adding some vowels letters yeah while sitting in the booth seat closest to the soda machine with my family the manager on duty was serving the table next to us. When he bent over to give them their food, he farted right in front of my face. In front of my family!

It was no normal toot. Describe it for us, please. That's exactly what everyone wants. Ask and you shall receive. It was a full-fledged butt rip right to my face. I was about to throw up along with my queasy family who was eating in the booth along. I confronted this manager who had the name tag of Charles

about the disgusting, nasty toot. And he had the nerve to deny this butt rip right in front of my family. What a horrible disgrace. At least own up to your farts. Besides that, the food was great. I will come in and make sure Charles, a.k.a. Fart Ripper, is nowhere near my family.

End of review. Charles the Fart Ripper. Just, by the way, the... Incredible. Just by the way Incredible Just the notion of confronting someone For farting in front of you In front of your family And also the entire Mortifying for everyone involved

For everyone It's really bad That's wild if that's what happened That's wild He denied it in front of my whole family How does one deny that's what happened like that's wild he denied it in front of my whole family how does one deny that if that happened i mean maybe maybe this person did it yeah maybe and was just timed it to the bend over they're like whoa charles fire ripper because it was no ordinary toot that's right and toot was capitalized. Capital T. That's how you know he's not messing around.

Okay. So this was sent in to us by Christine, not I. And the one star review is titled, on TripAdvisor, if the food is why the bartender's farts smell so bad, I'll have to pass. And the reviewer is named Your Mom's Couch. Oh. I normally don't write reviews, but my husband told me I should share our experience. I've been here several times, and it used to be great,

but over the last year, the staff has completely changed, and I don't think in a good way. The last time we were there, it was super dead, even for one of their so-called busy nights, but everything still took forever. Not just food, but drinks, condiments, silverware, everything. Our bartender slash waitress, I believe she said her name was Ashley or Amanda, was really short with us and honestly pretty rude. She had a serious case of resting bitchface and the attitude to go with it. But honestly, that's not the worst part. The weirdest

thing kept happening. There were two guys that were pointed out to me as the owners, a tall one and a short one. And every time one of them walked past our table, we would smell really bad farts. I mean, gagging, eye-watering farts. And the two of them kept walking past us, and every time another fart. The music was so loud I couldn't hear their butts. Every time another fart, the music was so loud I couldn't hear their butts, but even the table next to us kept looking around. Finally, I got up and told them it wasn't us with buttholes of death, because they all looked so offended and quite disgusted at us. But after the sixth or seventh blast from the poop shoot,

the two owners left, so I thought, okay, thank God. Maybe we can at least finish our drinks. It was so bad we couldn't even laugh. It was a solid 30 minute ambush of brutal farting. But then the bartender walked past us and we smelled fresh poo again. So- Stop! What are you talking about? Fresh poo? They didn't poop on the floor or something. So we all check our shoes and there's nothing. There was a dog with the owner. So we looked around but didn't see anything. Then the bartender did another drive by

and it was like someone opened the door to a porta potty at a NASCAR event in the hot desert sun. Needless to say, it is needless to say, and I wish you would stop saying it. Yes, please stop saying it. But you know what? Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever be back

for the extremely loud cover band and farting staff anytime soon. Someone should see a doctor though because no one's toots should smell that bad. Oh no. End of review. Maybe it was after closing. They were just trying to get people out.

Oh. That's their method. It didn't work. It seems like they stayed for a very long time. It feels like they wanted to figure out the mystery. Yeah. So they stayed longer. It feels like a lifetime.

To get to the bottom of those. Poop shoots. Those poop shoots. Get to the bottom of the poop shoots. I hate fart jokes. Because I'm. This is not. Yeah, it's not our normal thing.

No, it's not. normal thing no it's not i just don't know what to do with myself this is amazing i think this is the best challenge we've ever it's a really good challenge and it was like so fun to look so insane it's dramatic uh i only have one left oh okay this is a review of massage green spa utica new york and this is where i was thinking about your experience my experience with the farting masseuse still like think back to it i'm like i cannot believe that happened but i would never say something no so bizarre to me that people are like confronting others i was on the plane once with someone before we took off the farts christina i it was the worst i it was like the same kind

of thing of like that eye watering so bad and you don't even want to breathe no and i'm like i i ended up like making like gagging i couldn't't help myself from gagging. And I like said things under my breath. Like, because I was so upset. Like I was like, who is doing this to me? It was like the worst. It was so bad.

I'll probably never forget it. Are you serious? I'm not. It was just so disgustingly bad. Were other people reacting? No, because it was just me and the guy next to me. Oh no.

And he was to my, and I'm like, why? I'm thinking like, why are you doing this to me right now? This is like fucking torture. It was insane. He probably can't help it. I know.

I know. That's what I didn't like say anything bad. I mean, he probably should go to the bathroom, but. Yeah. Yeah. Something. I don't know. Anyway, the, the, the massage situation was much better than that one.

Yeah. The other day, Blaze and I were on the plane and we sat down and we were like, oh no, Leona has a dirty diaper. Like, oh my God, it smells so bad. We got to get her in there. So like before the plane even took off, I took off, I like ran her into the bathroom. Like, wasn't Leona?

Was somebody else around? But I was like, oh man, I really blamed Leona for that one. It was not our child. You know what? That's a fair. It's better than the opposite where you think it's everyone but your own baby. That's true.

There's no way my baby would smell that bad. Also, probably whoever farted was thrilled there was a baby to blame it on. You know, like, oh, easy enough. Okay, so this is my last one. This is a one-star review by Beth, and this place has since closed. But here's a review. I had a horrible experience here. First off, my therapist farted three to four times during the massage,

and her stomach was rumbling the entire time. I understand this is natural for people, but come on, in a massage? I thought I was paying for a spa-like atmosphere. If you don't feel good, please call in sick and reschedule. On top of it, my therapist tried to tell me that I was just muscular, not tense. Biggest bull ever since I had seen the chiropractor that morning and for several weeks before that, and he even said I was super tense and needed a massage. And of course I felt insanely tense and was having tension headaches all week, so she was wrong.

I asked four times for the therapist to give more pressure, and she didn't. It was one of the softest massages I ever got. Anyways, I called to talk to the manager and also spoke to the district manager, and all they could offer me was to come in and for me to pay for another massage with another therapist. That's not good customer service. Completely offended that that's how they want to fix the situation. could offer me was to come in and for me to pay for another massage with another therapist. That's not good customer service. Completely offended that that's how they want to fix the situation. Who can afford to pay for a massage to maybe get a good therapist? I'm not sure where Massage Green learned how to treat customers, but the first massage I received should have been good. I shouldn't have to go back and pay again to maybe get a better massage. I'll never go back there and

don't recommend it to anyone. After all, if you get bad service too bad, you already paid for it. Massage Green doesn't care if you are a happy customer. Two people found this review funny. Oh, funny. I didn't expect the funny. I guess some people find fart jokes to be the height of hilarity. Yeah.

I hope so for this episode. I know that we're a little too mature. Oh, absolutely. That's exactly how? I hope so for this episode. I know that we're a little too mature. Oh, absolutely. That's exactly how I describe us. Things like that. But yeah, there were a lot, Zambie. Yeah. It can really affect your experience.

I get it. And the thing is, even if it's not someone who's working there, just the people next to you, like on that plane. I got to say, and then i get really paranoid because i'm like well then other people are gonna think it's me that's the worst feeling you know but then if it was then again if they're smelling it they might be thinking wow other people think it's me everyone in their own minds is suddenly panicking and the person who did fart is like ha everyone else is panicking no my like then you're like oh shit they all know it's me you know what i mean

not that i would know i've never i was know what I mean? Not that I would know. I've never parted. I was going to say, yeah, I only knew that one time because that guy, you could tell. You could tell that I was smelling his dinner out of his a-hole. Ew! Stop it. Alexander, quit. You should have said that to me.

I didn't say it to you. You did. You read it to me. I'm annoyed. Well, too bad. Thanks didn't say it to you. You did. You read it to me. I'm annoyed. Well, too bad. Thanks for listening. Thanks, Patty. Thanks, Pat. Thanks a lot. Thanks for nothing, Patty. Thanks, y'all, for listening.

If you want to hear more fart jokes, come on tour with us. If you don't want to hear more fart jokes, come on tour with us. Yeah. Zandy will bring some. I won't. So you can have both, you know? Yeah. But we'll be on tour soon. We're very excited. Go to beachy some. I won't. Whatever you want. So you can have both, you know? Yeah. But we'll be on tour soon. We're very excited.

Go to beachycity.com for tickets. And we are going to do a different show in every city and read reviews of your local establishments. Yes. We're going to Tempe, Arizona, Salt Lake City, Utah, St. Louis, Missouri, Kansas City, Missouri, New York, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and Washington, D.C. Did I nail those in order? You did. I always... Nailed it.

Got it. Cool. Okay. I can end on that. All right. We'll see you there. See you. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production.

Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Sheather. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.