Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 236: Reviews of Twilight

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

when i saw this podcast live, there were team xandy girls in the bathroom and they wouldnt let team xtine girls enter Get your live show tickets now! https://www.beachtoosandy.com Follow us on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Buy some stuff! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Welcome to Beach

to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everybody and welcome to Beach 2 Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic and nasally fashion. Nasally? I don't know. I'm just a little sickly and Alexander came- As I find out as I forgot to tell. I was so much better yesterday. I went to the pool. I was thriving. And then I woke up and I was all goggled up. I got a big weekend this weekend, Missy. Me too. That doesn't make it better. I know.

I know you do. I've taken COVID tests that are negative. I made plays by more leading up to this weekend just to make sure. We're keeping our distance. Triple sure. And Zany said, this is the last thing you said. Or this is not the last thing he said to me. That sounds dramatic. Jesus. He said, this is what you said to me last time when you gave me COVID.

And I went, you're exactly right. It's so true. Which is why now I'm really, wow, I'm trying my best. That's okay. We'll be fine. Anyway, we're here. We're queer. We not not i not necessarily i'm not i'm speaking i only say that because my friends have i think it's a joke but told me

accused me of queer baiting huh i have i don't think on stream like it was a meme finally there was a meme it was steven who started this meme of and i'm like steven no i'm not like i don't think on stream, like it was a meme. Finally, someone said it. It was Steven who started this meme. And I'm like, Steven, no, I'm not. Like, I don't. I don't do that. But one time someone did ask me on stream if I listened to Sweater Weather. Sweater Weather. Sweater Weather.

No. If I listened to Sweater Weather. The national, I mean, the song? Yes. Are you familiar with that term, though? If you like, do you listen to this? So it's the same as like, the song? Yes. Are you familiar with that term though? If you like, do you listen to this? So it's the same as like, do you listen to-

Kind of. Do you listen to Girl in Red? Right. You know, that's a thing that people say. Right. But for Sweater Weather, supposedly Sweater Weather is about, man, saying that so many times. I had to think if I said it right It's about being bi And I was like

I mean, I know that song, yeah I've listened to it And I was like, no idea what I was saying So no Okay Speak for yourself It's a great song Anyway, what should we do?

It's something I'm hyper aware and paranoid about. That is all. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I yell that a lot, but that's usually around Em and Eva. I was going to say, you can usually say it. It's more applicable. I'm ruining it.

I recognize that. What the fuck is wrong with you? And I'm sorry. I apologize. Just get on the board. You know what I mean? Just get on. Just like fucking get over yourself.

It is a choice. That's what I hear. It is. And you're making the wrong one. I'm choosing not You know what I mean? Just like fucking get over yourself. It is a choice. That's what I hear. It is. And you're making the wrong one. I'm choosing not to. Totally. Welcome to Beachy Sandy. Anyway, speaking of queer, we're doing reviews of Twilight.

I was so confused because you posted the Patreon post as usual. And I didn't see the results of the poll yet. But we started getting emails that said twilight twilight i was like okay and then all of a sudden we started getting reviews of like oliver twists and i was like what's happening and then i realized oh and then oh some of the subjects said reviews of classic literature and i went i'm very confused like it's twilight now in the annals of but you know but anyway

it turns out those are two separate episodes that we're both recording today it is somewhat confusing and it feels it wasn't intentionally this way but it feels a bit of an insult to Twilight it does

it feels like we're doing oh here's our Twilight episode oh and here's our classic literature I feel like we're doing the thing though of Subway and Subway where we just couldn't make up our minds so we did both. Oh my god, so the next

episode we do should be, we play a game where we have to guess if it's a review of Twilight or a review of classic literature. Come on! It's decided. No, it's true. Sorry, patrons, you're not voting on this one, but we'll have you vote on the one after. We're actually doing a Patreon episode today. I'm gonna delete that whole document I made.

No, I'm not. No, no, no. We should do a full episode. Oh, a full real episode. Not a bonus. Oh, fuck yeah. We'll do a real episode for that. That's what I'm saying. Not that the Patreon ones aren't real. They're just a little bit fever dreamish, so they do have the tendency to feel like we made it all up.

I gotta say, when I research for those Patreon ones, I think a lot less about being normal. Me too. And I'm just like, ones, I think a lot less about being like normal. Me too. And I'm just like, oh, I'm bringing this to the table. Even when we record them, we go like off the trail, right? Yeah, off the trail.

Hinges. So this one actually was on Facebook. Someone on the Patreon only group was like, someone who has access to these polls, please get Twilight in the poll. And I was like, oh, that's me. And so I did. So they were talking to the people because there are different tiers of Patreon. Some tiers you can actually vote in the polls and suggest things for the polls.

But not this person on Facebook. But that person was saying, I don't, I'm not at that tier. So someone who is at that tier, we really need Twilight in the poll. They weaseled their way into a higher tier. And so I saw that. Even though they're not paying for it. I saw that post. Kick them out.

And it worked on me. It worked on, they weren't talking to me. They're talking to their fellow patrons. They're all dropping. That's a great idea. To the lowest tier now. They're like, we can just ask for it on Facebook. We don't have to be.

No, I'm teasing. No, I thought this was a great suggestion. And I'm so glad that they put the work in to get this on the poll. It's exciting. I had so much fun with this one. It was a fun one. Who goes first? Why don't you go first? Because I'm trying to find the name of that person who made that suggestion. So we can tell security yeah yeah okay so this is a review of twilight this was sent in by cat of twilight the film and to be clear we didn't like specify the books or the film right correct okay i'd have both this is a two and a half star review i didn't know you could do this and i I'm confused. Is it Goodreads? No, it's like on Twitter. Does Twitter do that now?

I'm confused. I don't know what you're talking about. Everybody knows Elon deleted my Twitter account, so I don't really know what's going on there. But this is a two and a half star view. It was posted on Twitter. It looks official, though. Doesn't matter. Here it is.

I was looking at the hot bro vampire and thinking some important thoughts. So I asked my boyfriend, do you know who would make a good vampire? And gave him the opportunity to guess who would make a good vampire. And do you know who he guessed? James Franco. That's the wrong fucking answer.

He ruined Twilight for me by making me think about James Franco, and then he got mad at me for telling him he ruined Twilight by making me think about James Franco. Please, if you're a person who claims to love me, why would you make me think about James Franco on purpose? I'm not saying that's abuse or anything, but it's kind of abuse. Also, sorry I'm making light of abuse. I really don't think it's funny. I just think James Franco is gross and another predatory man, and his face disgusts me.

Why does he have so many teeth? And I don't want to be put into a position where I have to think about him when before I was in a position where I didn't have to, which is frankly a much better position to be in. If you're curious, though, the right answer was Channing Tatum. He'd make a good vampire. End of review. Okay, hard disagree. Okay'd make a good vampire. End of review. Okay. Hard disagree.

Okay. This person, look, this person has some things mixed up. What makes a good vampire. What makes abuse and what doesn't make abuse. Okay. That I'm not touching. I'm staying out of that one. Oh, okay.

But no, I think that they have too much of a positive view of vampires. That's what I think is a problem here. Because Channing Tatum, very attractive man. Do you watch Sweater Weather? I mean, listen. I'm still learning. I'm still learning the lingo. No, you know, I...

But he does have the normal amount of teeth. And I would say James Franco does have those pointy teeth and that would make him a good vampire. I think he would be a great vampire. His, his, okay. If you just had the clip. Of the pie. Of the pie.

Yes. That's my first thought. Which Spider-Man is that? I don't know. Irrelevant. How's the pie? And then he like does his creepy smile and goes so good. Like you cannot tell me that man does not look like a vampire in that scene. That's the most

vampire thing I've ever seen anyone do. No, right? Something sinister, like clearly sinister. Which, I would say vampires historically tend to be sinister characters. Channing Tatum does not fit that mold, I don't think. But if you're watching Twilight you of course have a good view of vampires.

That's kind of the point. Unless you're Team Jacob. That's true. You know who'd make a good werewolf? Who? You're supposed to say something. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's a good question.

You know who would make a great werewolf? What's his name? Hugh Jackman Abuse! How could you make me think of Hugh Jackman right now? That's abuse, that's sibling abuse Just kidding, it's not Are you making light of abuse and laughing at abuse? I'm making light of this viewer who is

This viewer I mean this reviewer That was a lot I don't think that was a review of Twilight. I think they need couples counseling. I think there's a review of their relationship, maybe. I think someone needs to ask both of them if they listen to Sweater Weather because they clearly have a lot of aggressive thoughts about these two male actors. I'm just saying.

True. Anyway, that was my first one. Okay. Well, I would like to give a shout out to tori who is the person who is a top contributor to the group you know who said can someone who has access to the polls please suggest twilight as a theme and you said it's me i'm that person and then uh a day later or something or wait this was... And then a few days ago. So they post that May 17th.

So like 12 days ago. And then a few days ago, I said, might have put it in myself just now. But you can't see it. And it won. Yeah. That's why I told him. You know, I said, hey, you can't see it, you cheap bastard. Yeah. You can't make it into the Coliseum to watch the gladiators battle, but you can stand outside and, you know, feel good about yourself.

I don't know what that analogy meant. I'm kind of just going with it. Yeah. So my first one is from Jeanette, who sent in a lot, but I'm only doing one of the Twilight ones. But don't worry, Jeanette, Next week's episode is your episode. I think I have like five reviews from Jeanette. They were so good in classic literature. We haven't given Stephanie Meyer a shout out yet.

Oh, shout out. Shout out Stephanie Meyer for writing what a lovely series. Get it. She gets so much hate. And not being a fucking transphobe, you know, that's pretty fucking cool. It's like, she's like, I didn't even know that was a thing, but I guess I'm going to stay on the right side of history of history bar is fairly low at this point for right she's like i wasn't adult aware that that was part of the like uh the gauntlet i had to pass but yeah she fucking passed it with flying

colors exactly that is stephanie also the way as far as i know you know can you imagine someone i don't have twitter okay so you can't blame me for this one. But no, shout out Stephanie Meyer. Also, the way she spells her name, usually it annoys me when people kind of do that. But I'm into it. I kind of like Stephanie. I kind of like it. Anyway, not that anyone cares about that. I didn't even notice that.

Yeah, I did. No offense, Stephanie. I like it. Here's a one-star review. Speaking of shout out to Stephanie Meyer, here's a one-star review. Here's an homage to you. Your novel, Twilight. This is Twilight.

The Twilight Saga number one on Goodreads. Okay. Here's a one-star review. I would not even wipe my ass with this book for fear it, my ass, would get shittier. What a waste of trees and my time. Kill me for reading this book! End of review. Can someone bring me toilet paper? I've been

sitting here for hours. It just keeps getting shittier. My poor ass. I love how they had to specify what's gonna get shittier. No, I know the parentheses. I felt like it would've the message would've come across either way, but thank you for clarifying. When you think about it, it sounds like I would not even wipe my ass with this book for fear it would get shittier.

It means the book could sound like the book would get shittier as you wipe, which is pretty literal and true. Yeah, sure. But that doesn't make sense also. I guess. Not that the other way made much sense. I'm glad that you're finding the logic in this. I'm trying. I am always trying.

Absolutely flummoxed. The best part, though, is review sites like Goodreads existing for so long. This is from 2009. I love Goodreads. I have a lot of friends on there. I don't mean it like that i mean like podcast listeners because i've said on and that's why i drink like not good no tell them where they belong what i mean is i'm not saying i have lots of followers on goodreads no but it says you're friends with them so i'm like that's so fun yeah and so i have a lot of people who like

you know post the books they read and a lot of them are like true crime or like, I don't know. So I feel like I have a good little. I mean, it's like book social media. Yeah, I feel like I'm a little book club. And the people who follow me are all people who I assume like know of both of our podcasts. So I'm hoping by the end of this episode, I gain some followers on Letterboxd. What the hell is that? Oh, boy.

You didn't use any Letterboxd reviews? I've never heard of that. Good, good. I have a lot. What is that? It's a film. I don't watch movies. I follow them on TikTok.

I love their content. I'll follow you. I created one and made an account. Okay, fine. Zandy Schieffer. I'll talk about it more later. Don't worry. You guys can follow me and see what I have to think about.

Let's see. A Court of Thorns and Roses. Oh. Mm-hmm. I'm just kidding. I haven't read it yet. I just bought it. But you'll see someday in the future, hopefully.

Okay. So let's see. This is a review. This was sent in by Tori, but a long time ago. I searched Twilight, and I like went way back. I was like, I'm sure there's stuff in there that we just never saw. I found something. Yeah.

I did the same thing. I hope it wasn't this one. This is a review of the Stone Cliff Inn. Wait, who sent this in? Tori. How do you spell it? T-O-R-I. Is this the same fucking Tori who suggested this?

Oh, oh, oh, I thought you might have this email. Oh, no, no, no. Oh my god, it could be. The second name, is it an A? I don't know, I just wrote from Tori. Oh no. I'll look it up. Today. Something is coming. Kong, Godzilla,

they can feel it. Fight together. They're teaming up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, Godzilla, they can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, The New Empire. Now playing only in theaters. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with ph balancing minerals

and crafted with skin conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today okay so we just determined it's a different Tori. Different Tori. What is up with you two? Look at Tori. I knew a Tori in high school. I bet Tori's a big Twilight fan too.

She would. Maybe it's in the name. Just kidding, I don't know who that is. Okay, this is the Stone Cliff Inn, which is a restaurant in the Pacific Northwest, where I assume there was some filming that took place. The what inn? The Stone Cliff Inn. Okay, is it where we're in?

Oregon City, Oregon. Okay, yeah, maybe. I don't know. That's not where I went. When Dee and I went on our little Twilight adventure. Oh, right. So you did not go to this one. No, we did not go there, I don't think

Oh wait, maybe we did Oh yeah, of course we did Good story Of course we did, we went there with OP We were in the parking lot I was very weak at that point physically And so we parked And they all went on a little trail

To a sign about Twilight Well, I'm glad you didn't get out of the car because here's the one-star review by Brady. Take care of the darn wasp nest at the Twilight attraction. Oh, no. End of review. Oh, no. Those were his last words I heard.

Oh, no. Yeah, he never spoke again. That's scary. Drowning in wasps. That's so sad. That's funny, though. I should have thought to check some places because we went to Forks, Washington, where it was filmed. We stayed there for a couple nights.

But it was very convenient to go to the rainforest near there. It was a really great spot between Seattle and Portland to stop. It was very convenient. It made sense. Dee's a Twilight lover, so it was a really great spot between Seattle and Portland to stop. It was very convenient. It made sense. Dee's a Twilight lover, so it was like, why not? I think we were there a week before they had their annual Twilight festival. Whoa. Or it was two weeks.

It was like, we were really close. So they had all these signs up for it, and they had little flyers. It would be like, oh, this random person from this film is going to be talking. It's like so fun. I can't believe they have a Twilight Festival. I think they've had like some of the main cast show up like years ago back in the day. But no, it's a big deal still every year. Yeah.

And it's a big part of their tourism. And you can see both of the Bella's trucks outside of their or like their two different trucks. One that's more like what was in the books and the one that was in the movie. So it's pretty cool. And then there's one house that we saw. I forget whose house it was. It might have been. I don't think it was Bella's.

I think it was someone else's. Maybe it was hers. There was a house that you can drive by. And it was so their signs were like, welcome Twilight. Like they leaned into it so much. And they had signs like, please be respectful of the neighbors but take as many photos as you'd like I love that because

it must be so hard if you're like against all that you can't fight it like it's happening I mean think about the Breaking Bad house have you heard about that

I mean people would literally be throwing pizzas up on top of their roof oh and they had to fence it off so like that's the thing it depends on how it's used I was gonna say

but at least they have Twilight not like a meth lab show. You know what I mean? Exactly. It could be a worse plot. Yeah. Yeah. To be associated with.

Yeah. So they had to put fencing and stuff and I, it looks very different. I did see the breaking bad house. I didn't stop because I knew how that, how, how they felt, but I slowly drove past and was like,

not taking pictures. It's too late now. I enjoyed, Drew, throwing an empty cardboard box. Isn't the same. It's not the same thing. how they felt but i slowly drove already and you're not taking pictures late now i enjoy true well throwing an empty cardboard box isn't the same same thing doesn't have that slap so yeah that's so true uh okay my next one is that one i was saying that i found from a while ago this is from uh marcelia marcelia i don't know how to say the name, but it's a lovely name. So I'm sorry. I like it.

Anyway, here's a review of Twilight Saga Eclipse from Letterboxd. I'd say this is kind of negative. It's a two and a half stars. No, this is about the film. About the film, Twilight Eclipse. Gotcha. If Edward really cared about Bella, he would have boiled himself like a lobster to warm her up. End of review.

That's what I make my boyfriend do when I'm cold. What the fuck? You know what? I don't know. I feel like I can't say she's wrong because I'm like, I don't even understand what that means. I feel like I can't argue. The top comment. So you can comment underneath reviews dangerous the comment

or what the first comment is he would just fucked her that's it what the fuck good news is at this point i believe she's 18 above 18 in this film she wasn't in the first one um but i guess edward's 17 the whole time so i don't really know except he's also like 3 000 whole time. So I don't really know. Except he's also like 3,000 years old or whatever. I don't know how old he actually is. He's 300. Okay, will you relax? Could you imagine if he was 3,000? Like, I've seen some shit.

And here I am in fucking Forks, Washington, Bella. I met Jesus. I went to his first birthday. He probably was Jesus and he rose again. I went to his first birthday. Jesus probably was a and he rose again. I went to his first birthday. Jesus probably was a vampire. That's what that boyfriend should have said. Jesus.

That's what you should have said. I asked you. You asked me about werewolves. I disagree. I don't think Jesus would have made a good one. He would have made a great vampire. You're 100% right. I think werewolves.

He did have a thing for blood. We're supposed to drink it all the time. You're right. You're so right. Transubstantiation is just a fancy word for... Being a vampire. Fucking vampirism. Vampirism.

Vampirism. No way he wasn't a vampire. It's official. Jesus. You cannot argue this with us, everybody. Don't even bother. Don't even try. This is from Ashley.

It's a one-star review on IMDb of Twilight, the first movie. Oh, weird. I hadn't read the title yet. Okay. This was written right after it came out, so it was timely. And the title of this review,

it's one out of ten, and it's Olly Totalsome, which I guess is supposed to be like totally awesome not undead just bored to death so that that's the title of the review yeah sorry that's the whole title i vaguely remember what knocked me out was it the moment bella lugoswan what does Swan? What does that mean? I looked it up. I did, this time. So, Bela Lugosi is famous old silent movie actor. I know who Bela Lugosi is.

Who portrayed Dracula, I believe. Jesus Christ, I didn't get it. I kept saying it out loud and going, why does that sound... Yeah. See, this is why someone like... Like, I belong on Letterboxd, while you belong on Goodreads. No like I belong on Letterboxd while you belong

on Goodreads no I belong on fucking Common Sense Media who are we who are we kidding are you serious yeah so he was

a very famous actor but yes which I'm sure you've heard who I'm sure you've heard of yes thank you for giving me

the benefit of the doubt I'm reading these not memorizing or remembering this but so okay i'm getting it now because it does actually make sense later on okay i vaguely remember what knocked me out was it the moment bella lug lugoswan first met the deathly pale edward cullen

that was like a half hour into the movie after chat chat chat with her divorced parents, and then with her two average-for-words high school friends, Edward smelled her. Heck, I smelled her. Everyone in the theater smelled her. Oh, wow, he's totally awesome, my niece remarked. Ah, it was that phrase, totally awesome. Its meaningless generality shot through me like a venom. I swooned. Flashing lights swirled all about me. I imagined I was watching a vampire movie. The undead stalking in the night, springing on their victims with bared fangs, tearing throats open, letting loose great spouts of blood.

Then the vampire slayer burns the mark of the cross in the arm of the prince of evil, who springs back howling, crashing through the stained glass window of the ancient castle, plummeting to earth where the vampire slayer hammers the stake home just before the sun's first light at dawn rips the bloodsucker's skin into flakes of cutrid, decaying rot. I slowly came out of it, only to realize my nightmare had been in vain. I was still watching twilight. It was nearly an hour later, and nothing had happened yet. They were still talking, and

talking, and talking. The vampire glistened in the sunlight. The vampire used superhuman strength to save the innocent. The vampire was beautiful, and sensitive, and sweet, and very well educated. He graduated high school 20 times, and he supported all the popular liberal causes. The vampire ate tofu? And he jumped over boulders in a single bound. The vampire was so cool in a superhero kind of way. He was totally awesome. Gah! My niece has cursed me. I have entered the ranks of those bored beyond death. Bored to the point of undeath. Yes, we victims of this infection must wander the malls late at night, searching for the one screen in a whole multiplex that might actually be showing a vampire movie, because Twilight sure as heck is not one.

End of review. Man, the amount of ridiculously long rants that this movie slash book have produced. Yep. It's too much that's that's the worst part about twilight not i'm not i watched the movie i didn't read the books but i watched the movie you know i knowing what it was because i watched like a year ago for the first time i can't know what it was i kind of enjoyed it i was like okay it makes me almost bitter that you got to go to forks and all that and you only watched the movie for the first time like a year ago it like hurts my soul a little bit but um i don't know i i feel like i'm glad i didn't watch it when i was younger because i

probably would have been like oh this is so oh yeah blah blah blah and i would have grown up hating it better love story than twilight but like i still had that stupid shirt that was uh it said team edvard i think I'm talking about this. And I had like a thing of the screen that Edvard Munch painted. I forgot about that. It says Team Edvard. Yeah. It was like when the Twilight Crate.

It was a mental floss. They had a lot of like those nerdy, clever T-shirts. Oh, yeah. And I loved those in high school. So remember Threadless? OK, we're getting off topic. Do you remember my experience with Twilight? Not really. Do you know who bought me the first twilight book no oppa no fucking way dead serious he bought you like a remote control car the same day or maybe it was i forget he might

have bought me i don't know or that robot was at the mall yeah it was at the mall at the mall he bought me a winter olympics video game for playstation uh-huh At the mall, he bought me a Winter Olympics video game for PlayStation 2, I think. Well, he bought me, I just saw it on a shelf and I bought it and I was like in seventh grade or something and it was not a thing yet. And I bought it and I read it in secret and I was obsessed, but I didn't tell a single soul because I was like, this is so weird. I was like 13 and I knew or 12 even and I was like this is gonna be

this is a hit you're calling like all the people in LA at the studios like we got a hit on our hands no I wish I had because maybe I would have been on to something but at the time I was like I'm just gonna get mocked for this so I didn't tell anybody that I read it and I like hid it in my room

and then I i read the second one i was obsessed then in ninth grade so two years later mingy came to school and was like oh my god i have this new obsession it's this vampire book and i'm sitting there and everyone's like whoa crazy and it like blows up and i'm sitting there being like the worst hipster in the world because i'm like do i tell everyone I read this two years ago? Do I like pretend I don't know what it is? I don't know. I just I remember being so conflicted about it.

That's a tough spot for a ninth grader. 13 year old, 14. Yeah. So anyway, that's my experience. My grandfather bought me the book, which is a weird thing to think. But that's more of an experience than I had anyway. Yeah. I never really much because i guess yeah you never it wasn't a big thing i at our house i mean harry potter was which is why i had a big aversion to it um no comment but you know i will is it your turn it is my turn okay thank god the last reviews i have they're all um of oh not twilight no they are they are from letterboxd oh because why is it called that letterboxd it sounds like it's about

letters you know what i mean like it doesn't sound like it's about movies. It's named for our love of the widescreen format. What do you mean? What do you mean? It's it's. What am I supposed to do with that? Oh, it says on there about me. They're like Goodreads for movies. See?

So letterboxing is a practice of transferring film shot in a film that shot in a widescreen aspect ratio to standard width video formats while preserving the original aspect ratio oh wow generally this is accomplished by adding uh black bars above and below the picture area oh no that was one of the um the t-shirts you bought from mental floss Mental flaws. Anyway. So, yeah. So, that's where that's from. That's a lot less interesting. Okay. Exciting than I expected, but whatever.

It's a very nerdy movie. Well, they took one of the vowels out, so that makes it pretty exciting. True, they did. Yeah. Yeah, there's no E between the X and the D. Okay. This is a review of Twilight Saga Eclipse. And I'm going to say these people's names because I think that on Letterboxd, it feels like people want to be funny.

And like, because you can look up top reviews. It was actually really easy to find reviews because you can just click on a movie and see the top reviews right and they're usually the funniest ones this isn't like anonymous like i hope nobody ever sees this yeah they're like i hope someone does see this because there's even a category of top reviewers this is their big break you get their most likes oh totally totally here's a review by becca of twilight Eclipse. And as of right now, letterboxed megastar, now that we've brought her onto the show. Wait, what's her name?

Becca. I thought you said Bella. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's some collusion happening here. Becca. When I saw this movie at the midnight premiere, there were Team Edward girls in the bathroom, and they wouldn't let Team Jacob girls enter.

End of review. Now that's the kind of shit I want to hear about. Yeah. That kind of drama. It's not hilarious. And the comments are hilarious. That's fucking great. It's just people are like, some of them are like, as they should, women of taste. They did what they had to do.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Someone said, braver than the troops. Like, Letterboxd seems hilarious. Like, this place. And, like, you watch their TikToks and sometimes you get these, like, filmmakers who are being interviewed and they have these four, to me, obscure films that are like, oh yes, this is a Soviet era film about becoming a man or something. And I'm like, whoa, okay, I'm never going to watch this movie.

Whoa, calm down. Yeah. You may not enter the bathroom. But then the best part is you also get some of the actors who are like, someone I just saw was like, I really need an adam sandler movie on this like what you know on my top four list um and they're just like yeah it sounds great so it's really fun but yeah um you get gaslight gatekeep girl boss of course classic that's a comment wait what a comment under this sorry i thought that was a username i was like that's that's a commitment

yeah all right ready i love this yes gaslight gatekeep girl boss can we make that a pin Like that's a commitment. Yeah. All right. Ready? I love this. Yes. Gaslight gatekeep girl boss. Can we make that a pin? That's me. That's been a thing for years.

I've never heard of that in my life. Am I just like chronically online? Like am I just really chronically online? Yeah, but I don't think that's the problem. I think. That's impressive that you've never heard that. I miss weird pockets of stuff because I'm not like, like you're always surprised when there's something i don't know about not always but like oftentimes people are like taken aback that i don't know something because i feel like i get little entry points into the world of the internet and then i'm totally oblivious to

it's impressive yeah i know thank you this is a one-star review uh on common sense media because of course nice i'm glad you went there i had to uh i feel like this is what oh by the way twilight the first film had like 800 children's reviews and like 700 adult reviews which is a lot more than most flicks on this page so this is a teenager age 13 and this was written two months ago oh my gosh i just realized discovering it i love that for them and uh it actually that their username is common sense media but every word is like spelled wrong i think that's supposed to be a joke. Okay. Huh?

I don't. It's. Listen, they're 13. They say this is for ages two and up. It's so one. All that means only a few more months to Leona and I can finally do our Twilight binge. Interesting. So true.

Okay. The title of this review is. By the way, this whole review and title are capital. I would rather put my dick into a snake and have it inject its venom into me like Spider-Man 2 than watch this movie again. Okay, now... What? Here is the review. Who wrote this? How old?

13. I hate this. 13. I hate this. The writers in this movie must have been taking capsules filled with mold and shitting all over the paper as they wrote this god awful script that sounds like a person pissing out a kidney stone and getting butt fucked by a Dutch prince wearing a tank top and blue jeans and sandals with socks that have holes that cut off the toes and a long red cape that was forged in the meth labs of Tijuana. I hope Edward dies in a gas fire and his ashes are thrown into somebody's mouth and come out in stool that is used for medical testing. This title contains too much consumerism. This teen needs a hobby. This is terrifying.

I am terrified of this child and for this child. What a deranged Dutch prince wearing a tank top with socks that have holes in a long red cape forged in the mouth labs of Tijuana. What is happening? They need to write a book. No. Why would you say that? They do not. It's a lesson the world needs.

I don't know. I kind of want it. Oh, my. It's the last thing the world needs. I don't know. I kind of want it. Oh, my God. I want to watch the world burn. This is the kind of shit I'm talking about when I'm complaining about what Twilight has created. It's not the creation itself that's the problem. It's all these sub-creations that these people think they're so clever making, and it's terrifying. Yeah, it's very.

What a scary thing to think of and write. The fact that it was written two months ago is scary because it means this person is living in the current day and not going, oh, that was embarrassing what I wrote 10 years ago. They're like, no, I feel it. They're sharing it with everybody, probably. They're still burning with rage. And here you are sharing it with even more people.

You're welcome. I'm making the next star. Oh, no, no, no, no. Common Sense Medea, which is how their name is spelled. Common Sense Medea? Yeah. Okay, that's funny.

Okay. My next one is one written by Margarita. This is of Twilight Saga, New Moon, the film, on Letterboxd. This is two and a half stars. No one can read Bella's mind because she doesn't think.

End of review. Oh, the girls in the bathroom would have something to fucking say about that. You better keep your mouth shut in that Megaplex. They're Team Edward. They're not Team Bella. They want Edward for themselves. Oh, I see.

I get lost in the complexities of these group Team Edward. They're not Team Bella. They want Edward for themselves. Oh, I see. But. I get lost in the complexities of these groupings, you know. I've never been found in those complexities. Wow, Alexander, that's deep. Someone did say, no thoughts, only vibes, which, hey. Hey, there's something to be said for that. Like, in the book, she's very young. She's like, it's so crazy to think like it didn't strike

me that way when i watched it but then i you know was doing this and i was like oh yeah she was only 17 yeah like in the character but if you think about it like when i read it i was like 12 so in my mind she's like so much older true and he's only 300 he was around before women could vote. Why should he respect her? You know what I'm saying? You've got a great point there. I mean, majority of his life was when women had zero rights. So, like, why does he have to have any...

The good old days, some might say. Some, like Edward would say. Edward would say. You know what I mean? Yeah. Are you team Jacob or team Edward? I didn't watch the next films. Oh, God.

And Dee said that those films is what really decides it. Yes, it is. How you view those. Because from what I've heard, there's some really fucked up shit that happens. Yeah. And really unethical stuff between that trio. between that trio so um i i based on what i know i would probably be team jacob if if i had to choose i think if i'm remembering correctly what i what i do remember good the imprinting or something you just have to pee you're just trying to get in the bathroom and you're trying to figure

out who's in there blocking you out. You try to play the fucking crowd. You're like, which one? You're such a fair weather fan. Blaze is blocking the bathroom right now. I got to be on whatever side he'd be on. No, I actually don't know. So I'm going to not answer that. And then one day I'll watch it and update everybody.

Don't worry. Okay. I'm just waiting for you to ask me. Oh, I don't care. Sorry. I don't want to. Never mind. Okay, I'm curious now.

No, no. Okay, that's fine. You want to tell me. I know I do, you asshole. I do want to know. I'm just kidding. I would waver back and forth, but I think overall,

I'm a smidge more Team Jacob. Okay. Because I think he was slightly less gas lady toward her that's the thing there seems like a lot of gaslighting happening um you just kind of you know and some of the reviews were like what you have to understand is this is not like a feminist novel like this isn't like bell is the hero who blah blah blah it's like yeah this is just a teen romance and yes it's very toxic but like you know yeah just don't base your relationship off of it yes uh so i think i'm team jacob anyway

five stars i have a redemption oh nice okay this is by gay shadow 37 and this is on common sense media and this is a 13 year old fiveold. Five stars written four months ago. Is it having like a revival, a renaissance? What's happening? I will say that there are just, from the reviews that I read of all these Twilight films, it was just constant. I mean, we watched it.

Every year there's probably, I mean, it's probably dwindling overall. Yeah. But I think people are still watching, still reviewing. And that's how I would be with Letterboxd too, is like there's some that I'm not gonna gonna i didn't review any because i'm like i need to i would like to watch them again more so maybe it's just like they decided to revisit kind of thing revisit the classics yeah all right so the five star review uh the title is kids say Yes to Twilight No Matter What Age, which is a weird thing to say.

That is a weird thing to say. And it says it's for ages 10 and up. So no matter what age, as long as they're 10 or above. Some conflicting messages there. Makes so much sense. Okay. So, yeah. It has its, how should I put this?

Teen and young adult moments, I guess you could say. But it is an amazing series. I mean, I'm only 11. Wait a second. It says 13. Whatever. You know what? Okay.

Wait, no, maybe now they're 13. When was this written? Four months ago. Oh, that's confusing. Okay, yes. Maybe they lied to get on Common Sense Media early. It's possible. That's what I would do. I know. That's what you did do. I'd be Common Sense Media early. It's possible. That's what I would do.

I know. That's what you did do. I'd be like, I need to get on there. That's what I did on Letterboxd. I mean, I'm only 11, but I mean, I have watched it and it wasn't scary at all. For kids who get scared easily and lot and what, yeah, have them watch it with a more mature age, like an older sibling or parent. But for others like me, it is great. And I mean, I do get scared kind of easily, but I am not scared of this series because I live it. And it is amazing.

Stick out tongue, stick out tongue, stick out tongue. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Heart emoji, heart emoji, heart emoji. A-okay emoji, A-okay. Starve David, starve David, starve David. Peace sign and a bunch of check marks end of review are they okay what happened at the end there um i'm a little too afraid to ask okay i'm not because i just did ask but maybe now i'm afraid of the answer so maybe i'll just i say let's leave it in the past.

Just take back my. Let's leave gay shadow to figure their own emoji shit out. Sounds like there's a lot to figure out there. That was a lot of weird emojis. Okay. Yeah. Actually, you know,

the answer is they're 11 or 13 years old. So maybe that's just. That's really the only. 11 or 13. 11 or 13. Yeah. My next one is a review of morbius uh from 2022 where you probably weren't on the internet i know all about are you sure yes okay it's morbid time all the memory that went around okay because i listened to some certain

podcasts that reference it and i have to know what's going on. Got it. Yeah. I just realized I haven't been reading these people's names as I read their reviews like I said I would. I think that's probably okay. That's fine. This one's by Jess, though, of Morbius. There are no stars, so I think they might have given Morbius a zero.

Oh, no. So here we go. You can do that? Yeah. Oh, no. I said yeah, but maybe they just left a review without a star rating which might be possible i don't know i'm new uh but this is a review of morbius straight people twilight end of review did you do like a search on letterboxd of the word twilight Is that how that happened?

I'm going to be honest. I don't know how this happened. I really don't. Straight people Twilight. You know what? No. Okay. You know what happened?

Maybe. I think with. So part of my challenge, you'll find out soon in this episode was to find reviews from people with ridiculous usernames. I struggled a lot, but I found two reviewers on Letterboxd whose reviews I used. And I think as I was researching for that, I found that review and so put in the Twilight stuff. So yeah, I think that's how it went. But yeah, so straight people, Twilight, apparently. I've never seen Morbius, but it's like a vampire-ish movie, but it's like a I think that's how it went. But yeah. So Straight People Twilight, apparently. Is that true? I was going to ask. But it's like a vampire-ish movie, but like a superhero-ish. I don't know much about it, but it's a meme, vampire-ish movie.

Straight People Twilight. I get it. Okay. I think. Good. Do you have any more more uh no that was my last one cool i've got a couple more twilight ones great uh these are both of the first film from 2008 um this one is a positive review there's no stars but, uh, I think it's a positive. It's, it's a great one to me. Here we go.

This movie rules. Every Edward line is so much better when you pretend he's just the weird lanky guy at your high school that makes everybody nervous and does Dragon Ball Z charge up moves when he thinks no one's watching. Every Bella line has a subtext of, you better let me suck that dick, shiny boy. The DP and director of photography,

the DP showed up one day and said, if I have to use a tripod, I will fucking kill myself. The credits roll on the most inexplicable possible radio head needle drop. It's a 10 out of 10 for me. I'm having the time of my life.

Genuinely believe it's a universally enjoyable watch. The coolest guy in school drives a Volvo. Every girl in school wants to kiss the boy who drives a Volvo. Edward walked into school with his arms around Bella and the group chats got hot. I can't believe the new kid got to ride in the Volvo. I'm going to be sick.

End of review. That's the best way to put it is the weirdest. So we watched it at that bachelorette party. We had a couple of edibles and watched it. And oh my God, it was such a delightful experience because it was like a lot of us. I think, I don't know if everyone had seen it, but a lot of us i think i don't know if everyone had seen it but a lot of us like loved it growing up and then um so it's fun to watch now and be like laugh at it especially like a bachelorette party vibe getting to watch twilight

and of course there was like an edward cullen cut out in the corner you know for not Edward Cullen, you know, Pattinson. Yes. And, uh, um, what was I about to say? Hold on. Sorry. What was I about to say? Oh, oh, sorry.

It is a memory loss drug. I know. Right. My mom told me it brought my brain. Um, no. And the thing about Volvo is they kept showing, it was like so painfully obvious now as an adult, especially after working in TV, like briefly, just like the the awkward product placement.

Oh, yeah. Like they would like zoom in on the sign. It was like, come on. Yeah. And so that's very funny to me that other people have like picked up on that. That shit worked. I mean, like I knew if you had asked me even before we were researching for this, what kind of car was like featured? I'd be like, oh, yeah, Volvo. I didn't know that. I remember that.

I didn't know that. I mean, I watched it a year ago, so not that long ago. But that stuck out to me too. I watched it two months ago, but I still don't remember. Wow. Yeah. Listen, all I can say is cool kids drive Volvo and everyone wants to be with them and they blow up the group chat. I don't know what to tell you except for that.

You know what? That's all I need to know. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Students, get $100 when you open an RBC Advantage banking account, which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada, Avion points on debit purchases, and so, so much more. Unlock more perks for less with RBC Vantage. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 30th, 2024. New eligible clients only. Complete criteria by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com slash student 100. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment.

That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Um, wow. Um, I've got one more Twilight. Great. It's a four-star review. I guess I've got one more Twilight. Great. It's a four star review.

I guess a positive. Mm hmm. My mom forced me to watch this and then quoted the entire thing and then started crying because she didn't have someone like Edward. And I told her that their relationship was actually really abusive. And she said, sweetie, I know me and your dad got divorced because of this movie. And now she's running around the house looking for something to eat. Please save me. End of review.

Oh, no. The worst part is I bet you that's real. Well, I bet it is, too. They tagged it spring break and mom less than three. Like a heart. Jesus, Lord. Okay. Because I feel like.

Someone in the comments said, do you need a sister? Someone said, is your mom a Mormon what is that what is going on okay but like I feel like anybody who said me in 20 years no literally I was gonna say anybody who read it at like age 12 or 13 who was like enamored with Edward I can see

decades down the line you get you go through a bad breakup and you're like man why doesn't anyone watch me sleep you know what i mean why doesn't it why isn't anyone so obsessed with me that they watch me sleep and have to like monitor my every move like a real life stalker i can see why you'd be like kind of um i get it yeah yeah that's what the craze was all about you know what it's all about it really was um sweetie i know someone's reply was should have been team jacob amen see that's what i'm saying because i was on the edward train for sure but now looking back i'm like oh i don't know man yeah yeah i don't know so that's it for me for

twilight that was fun though that was good sandy and it like forced me to get on letterboxd because i've seen letterboxd content for a while, but never got on. So now I'm on it and I'm excited. Is this a sponsored episode? Oh, wait, I lied. I have a five-star review that was sent in by Macy as a redemption. Oh, great.

Of the film collection. Oh. Okay, ready? Yep. This is an Amazon review of the Twilight Saga five movie. Are there five movies yeah i think so because are they like multiple parts right one and two yeah unless i'm confusing them with harry potter is that the one the twilight saga five films um my god i feel like i never watched the

last two i read the books apparently it's only 12 for all of them are DVD, on Blu-ray it's $14 I don't have any of those do you? Kevin gave me his old Playstation it's PS4 it was just sitting there and I was like no no no and he's like please I don't want it

please watch Twilight on Blu-ray for me he insisted and it was very kind because i've definitely used it it's great especially when our internet went down so i had to i watched blade runner 2049 on blu-ray that i've had for like years and never watched it because i never had a blu-ray player or didn't have one anymore it's like when the power goes out and you're like oh let's get out the candles and the dusty scrabble board you know what i mean yeah but like let's watch amadeus on blu-ray i wish i had amadeus on blu-ray what a great film okay

here we go i should put that in my letterbox one moment i'm kidding okay five star review titled one of my best drunk purchases by far i got pretty drunk and ended up ordering two pairs of some shoes that I already own and also the complete Twilight Saga movie collection. That buy now with one click button is dangerous. When I woke up, I still had enough time to cancel my shoes order, but not enough time to cancel the movie set. Initially, I thought to myself, why did you suddenly become 13 again last night and decide to order this? A couple days later, the movie arrived. I put them in the living room on a shelf and had no intentions of actually reliving my fangirl middle school past. I am 23 years old. There is no need for me to reinvest my time in this series. Twilight got enough of my attention and love 10

years ago. Well, about three days later, the next weekend came around. We got hit with a big snowstorm. Shout out to Wisconsin winters, am I right? Anyways, I figured on this day of being completely snowed in, I couldn't continue to rewatch The Office for the 73rd time. So I popped in the first disc of Twilight. And once again, down the rabbit hole i go my dog and i watched the entire saga that day no regrets each disc worked perfectly whether you're drunk

sober happy sad i don't care buy twilight and watch it hashtag team jacob end of review yes oh i love it that's funny oh man i love it i love that the dog got to experience it for the first time that's very special i think so too that's so true yeah a little bonding you know what a great time i love that all these breakthroughs happen during like um disasters yeah it's like you're going through something yeah like you're either like all twilight trapped in a bl it's like you're going through something yeah like you're either like all twilight trapped in a blizzard or like you lose internet which i consider to be a travesty uh it was shocking i mean we didn't have internet from friday until the next i think thursday jesus and like maybe it was wednesday regardless Everybody in that house works on the internet,

like at home. Like works from home on the internet. So it's not, like, it's not just like, oh boo hoo, we can't be on Twitter or Letterboxd. It was like, it's like we lose money from not working.

My mom, yeah. I mean, not to be dramatic, but I was sitting there like, I don't know what to do with myself. I know. Because every little thing,

okay, another thing, I went to watch a Blu-ray on my PlayStation, and I put it in and launched it. And it was like a big screen came up. You must like change the format or something of your PlayStation to view this film. Like connect, please connect to the internet. Are you kidding me?

It's like update required. Wait a minute. God, I have like unlimited hotspot. So I was really, see, that's the thing is I had my hotspot. I was fine. I i it was okay i couldn't be on my like actual computer because i don't have wi-fi enabled on that thing only ethernet um don't ask uh but yeah it wasn't going to good anyway so that was the end of my twilight uh now i have my challenge from alex we're in your twilight years my twilight years are done uh time to find reviews from people with ridiculous usernames and it was tough i'm

sorry i had a hard time because so many places including letterbox i i checked common sense media because i knew about like jimbo the eradicator but i only had three free ones and all of the names that i scrolled through when I went through, everyone was just so lame. You didn't find gay. What was it? Gay shadow. Gay shadow.

That's not even that weird. No, that's the thing is mine aren't even that weird, but I was like, it's the weirdest I found. If it were gay Jimbo, the eradicator, I'd be like,

and I didn't get a single email of help. Oh no. What else is new? I don't think you did either though. I didn't. Yeah. So for your challenge. Oh,

well, um, I did find gnarly Marmalade, which I thought was pretty fun. I really like that. Yeah. Yeah. That's really good. So the Gnarly Marmalade had a handful of good. That's really good.

No, I did too. Gnarly Marmalade. Right? I like their username. So here is a review of the film Don't Worry Darling. Are you familiar with that? I never watched it. I texted you.

I was a little bit drunk on the plane. Yeah. I found out that ordering Prosecco on the plane is my favorite thing to do. Oh, okay. Like, I don't know. No, it's just like very calming. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay. So I watch either The Shining, because they have that right now on Delta. Yeah. The Shining or- They have a lot on Delta. They do. That was crazy. Oh, wait, you and I just flew together.

Yes, we were just in Vegas. There's some weird films on there. We were talking about like- 2001 A Space Odyssey is on there? Yes. I need an edible next time and just watch 2001 A Space Odyssey. Well, because you were sitting next to me and I kept saying I want to watch Interstellar because I'm like

I watch every space movie but Interstellar and I love space movies and you were like maybe like wait till you're on the land and like not just drinking Prosecco at three in the morning on an airplane. It deserves better than Red Eye from Vegas. I capitulated. No, not yet. Okay. Because I know

it deserves better. I look forward to your letterboxd review. Thank you. I'll write it on Common Sense Media. I love that movie. And you can wait till next month to use one of your one out of three reviews to find it. No, so anyway, what about Prosecco? Nothing. Oh.

You just, I didn't say anything about Prosecco. Oh, don't worry, darling. Yeah. I ordered a about Prosecco. Oh, Don't Worry Darling. Yeah. I ordered a bunch of Prosecco and watched Don't Worry Darling. And then I texted you a million times about it. And I was like, we should write a scary movie. Oh, that's what kind of started it? Yeah.

Okay. I watched it and I was like, because I was like, well, you know, not to be offensive or rude, but to immediately be offensive or rude. I felt like it didn't deserve better because it got a lot of weird press and bad press. Well, okay. There was a lot of like drama. There's a lot of shit going on around that movie. Yeah.

Between the people involved. And then the plot and then the things were coming out. Anyway. So I was like, you know what? I'll watch it on the plane. Then I'm not like committing. Yeah. I saw some clips on the plane.

Like someone else was watching it. I'd glance over. I'm like, what the fuck is that movie? I actually really. And then I saw Florence Pugh and I was like, oh shit, that's that one movie. I feel like I'm. It on the plane. Like someone else was watching it. I'd glance over. I'm like, what the fuck is that movie? And then I saw Florence Pugh. And I was like, oh shit, that's that one movie. I feel like I'm. With the drama.

I feel like the problem is that I'm in. I didn't know that I was in love with Florence Pugh. And I think that's part of the problem. You didn't. No. Why not? I love Florence Pugh. I don't know.

And so anyway. Uh oh. There goes your camera remote. Uh oh. That's wired to your camera. Oh, anyway, my point is I watched that film. I actually liked it. Watch Midsommar.

Yeah. With you. Bozo. We saw in theaters together. Yes. And then you said, let's go back and watch the director's cut. We never did. Yeah, we didn't.

We went home so disturbed. And then, oh, yeah, I sat and Blaze didn't go because he was at work. And then he's like, I don't want to watch that. And I was like, it was horrifying. And blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, we're going back tomorrow to watch the director's cut. You want to come? And he's like, no, I don't.

It was not the next day. But yes, I know what you mean. He's like, you just told me all of these things. Anyway, we didn't go. It was a lot. But yeah. Anyway. So.

Prosecco helps. Yeah. So Florence Pugh is very beautiful yeah sexy yes okay enchanting florence pew um i'm glad we talked about her maybe this has become too much but it's relevant for the review here's a two-star review. It's not a positive one. Oh. Of Don't Worry Darling. This is by Gnarly Marmalade.

The worst film so far in the Florence Pugh trapped in a cult cinematic universe. End of review. So how many are there? And then somebody in the comments said, oh, of course, the f-p-t-i-a-c-c-u i am not in the marvel verse the marvel cinematic universe i want to be in this yeah florence pew famously is in both because she was in black widow okay so she's in what's the so there's midsummer are those only two cult ones i think i don't know i'm trying to think what else i don't know look her up quick but like i really little women i guess i could't know i'm trying to think what else uh i don't look her up quick but like i

really little women i guess i could yeah that that's the one where she's trapped there i could see there being another one she's very good at that role yeah no i think i think she's just good at in general at all her roles because she's i agree um but anyway uh now i've got a review from Gnarly Marmalade. And this is the first and so far only review I've liked on Letterboxd. Oh. This is my kind of review. You mean liked, like physically clicked? Like click the like button.

Gotcha. I've enjoyed all of these, but this one deserved my click. Got it. This is of Enola Holmes 2. Are you familiar with that? that yes it's like the daughter granddaughter of sherlock holmes and it's uh portrayed by uh um it's on netflix i think it is i think it was like an i think it was a it had a theatrical release um it is on netflix now but yeah it's millie bobby brown henry cavill um so yeah here's a two-star review. Campaign for Enola gnomes to get made.

End of review. I love Gnarly Marmalade more than anything. Isn't that hilarious? I'm so pleased. I fucking loved Sherlock Gnome. I loved all the fucking those, Gnomeo and Juliet I saw with my friends. You were obsessed with that. That shit was good. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. Gnomes and trolls are having a fucking renaissance, okay? Okay. Trolls juliet i saw with my friends you were obsessed with that that shit was good yeah yeah so yeah

gnomes and trolls are having a fucking renaissance okay okay trolls is on another level of just incredible i know they're fucking nailing it why is that not in my top four i should put in my top four they're fucking nailing it um now i moved on to the next one. This one, I'm glad you talked about your Prosecco because you'll maybe be able to relate to this person. Oh, boy. This is the film drunk who seems to be like one of those like letterbox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can tell just by the username. And they probably also I think they also have a Twitter and a YouTube channel.

It's like Fox on Yelp where it's like, he's like a known entity. And they have 10,000 subscribers on YouTube. Jesus. They're doing their thing. They're like, they talk about film and I guess alcohol or something. But I really enjoyed their reviews. So I was like, that name is weird enough where i'm gonna count as my challenge so here we go i've got like six of them film drunk here we go from

film drunk these are my last ones all of them okay this next one is of last night in soho not sure if you saw that one um it was the film drunk gave it three stars that's probably what five these are all out of five because imdb is 10 which yeah sorry sorry yeah so these are all Film Drunk gave it three stars. That's probably what... Out of what? Five. These are all out of five. Because IMDb is 10, which throws me off. Yeah, sorry, sorry. Yeah, so these are all out of five. I would probably give it three as well.

Maybe two and a half myself. Really? It was okay. It wasn't bad. I enjoyed it, but... Okay, here we go. It stars Thomasin McKenzie and Anya Taylor-Joy. Here we go.

Thomasin McKenzie sees Anya Taylor-Joy. Here we go. Thomasin McKenzie sees Anya Taylor-Joy in her reflection. I see myself in my reflection. Some people are just blessed differently. End of review. But you're also a film drunk, so you know what? Maybe you're seeing two of you. You just gotta drink more, actually, and then maybe you'll start seeing double.

Oh, I just noticed on the Film Drunk on their page, it has favorite films. And all four of them are the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. I fucking love this person. Gnarly Marmalade and Film Drunk and I are starting a film club where they just tell me about movies so that I don't have to watch them. Sounds like a plan. Great. Great. Okay. So I actually have five.

So four more. This next one is of The Fablemans. Never heard of it. That's a fairly recent one. It is a coming of age story. And it's a, it's like, it's a Steven Spielberg movie. That's kind of about his life of becoming a filmmaker. Oh, so it was like his real story. But like.

In a drama, I think, but like. I don't know. Cool. That's really good. That's all I know. I can't wait for you to write reviews on this website. You're going to be so good. Three star review of the fableman's film students watching this and being like he just like me for real.

Sorry, I just shouted so loud. That's so good. As someone who studied TV and was constantly put down by the film kids in grad school. Oh, that feels good. I'm telling you, we got so much shit because we had to do a lot of classes together. And they were like, God, the film students really did not like us. Well, all the comments are like, true, I do feel that way.

Yeah, I'm glad some people are self-aware. Someone said, you have just called out every Letterboxd user. Oh my gosh. Oh my God. Okay, never mind. People are just all over the place in the comments. You sound like me reading a forum where I'm like,

oh wait, here's another one. I was like, you know what? I'm just moving on to the next one, which is of Ant-Man and the Wasp, Quantumania. Okay. Which I heard was disappointing to many. I didn't watch. I didn't see it. I don't think I've watched any of the Ant-Man movies.

I just let Em tell me about it while I drink Prosecco. Well, this is a two-star review. This one has aged very poorly. This review? Yes. Uh-oh. I'm going to have to get what's... Oh, is jonathan majors oh fuck it is i knew it so oh they edited it though like so they acknowledge they went back and acknowledged i had to do retcon on jonathan majors too because i was like

because even i were on this big long rant and then we had to approach Em and say, we were wrong. You were right. Em's like, I fucking knew it. Yep. Anyway, go ahead. Here we go. Here's a two star review. Very rude of Ant-Man to keep getting in Jonathan Major's way.

Let him do what he wants. Oh. Okay. That was originally. And then the edit is, please ignore. Do not let him do what he wants and i love that they didn't just delete it no i know they're like well probably because it was like hilarious in um retrospect in retrospect like hilarious is a tough word for this because

that's what even i said we were like man he should really be like doing really big things and getting oh and like and like i, and I know that like, this wasn't just a joke review because the comments were just, you know, right when it came out. And then a month later, this was literally a month before all the allegations. You can't write something so good.

Like the timing of that is so perfect. A month later, the comments, you can see they're like, oh God, oh, oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, like this aged poorly. Just so you guys know if you don't jonathan majors um he's uh i was like in love with him for a while he was in um the hp lovecraft series on um was that hbo yeah loki as well and loki and um he listen i thought he was a dreamboat even i thought he was a dreamboat and then a lot of stuff came out and then people were saying like, hey, we were all saying this about him for years and no one listened. And I was like, well, shit.

Yeah. Now I feel like a tool. I mean, I didn't hear anything. I mean, granted, I'm not like in the industry, in the circles. But yeah, no, there was an assault charge. And then now more people have come out alleging. Just that he's really hard to work with. And very abusive.

So yeah, it's still happening right now. It's very, I guess it's all alleged for our own sake. But these are the allegations that have come out. They're not a good look. No, God, no. And he's been dropped by his agency and out. They're not a good look. No. God, no. And he's been dropped by his agency and stuff. There's a lot going on.

It's messy. There's a lot. So anyway, that was that review. Now I'm going to do a review of Top Gun Maverick. This is four and a half stars. I've heard really good things about this movie. And I've never watched the original, so I didn't watch this one. You didn't watch

Top Gun original? No. I rode the ride at King's Island. Me too, but I always assumed you had just because we rode that ride so much.

I'm thinking of getting a season pass to King's Island this summer. I just passed the billboard and I was like, how crazy would it be to do that? It sounds so,

I fucking love King's Island. Should we do that? Let's do it. I want the blue ice cream. It's honestly pretty cheap. That's what I was thinking. It was like $120 for the That's what I was thinking. It was like $120 for the season.

When I was little, it was so expensive. That's like one day at Disney. I know, right? It's like I might as well do that instead of like drive. We got one of seven giga coasters in the world. What? Orion is a giga coaster. What's that mean? I don't know, but it has to do with the drop in the speed and everything.

It's a big deal. I want to do it. Let's do it. Okay. So here's my review of Top Gun Maverick. Is Leona tall enough to ride? The Giga Coaster, yes. She can stand now.

I think if you stand her up in the seat. Then she can ride it? Then she can do it. Okay, cool. Yeah. All right. Here's the four and a half star review of Top Gun Maverick. BRB converting to Scientology.

End of review. Man, these people are funny. You know what? I've been liking this letterbox thing. I didn't think I would appreciate it. Because I do think it walks this line of, you know, that film nerd. Yes, yes. Being, what's it called when you think you're better than people, but you're-

Being a film nerd. Yes. What's it called? What's that word? It starts with a P, I think. Pretentious. Pretentious. Oh my God, I couldn't come up with the word pretentious.

Must mean I'm not pretentious. Look in the mirror. Anya? Anya Taylor-Joy? Pugh? No. So it walks that line of like that pretentiousness exists i'm sure on this website but also that like goofy funny side also exists i bet you it's like that i think it's like that

on goodreads yeah i think so too because a lot of the reviews that i have for the next episode some of them are like really goofy and some of them are like you gotta chill yeah don't take this so seriously like you're writing a review of the giving treat a hundred years after it came out like i don't know what you're trying to prove yeah yeah uh and then this last one is a five-star review sorry four-star review of bullet train oh i've seen that i did i really liked it i did too i thought it was fun let me make sure i did watch that that's the new netflix yes yeah please and i watched that oh it was. Wasn't it good? I was so impressed by it. I liked it a lot, actually. I started watching with my mom, or with mom, and she was just like, she didn't like it.

She wasn't into it. And I'm like, that seems like your kind of movie. Maybe it was a little too, she just likes the action parts. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, that might be it. I really liked it. Yeah, but it was really, really good, I thought. Me too.

Here's a four-star review from The Film Drink. This is my last one of the day. Why is everyone so good looking on this damn train? End of review. It's true. It's so true. It's true. That is.

People are in the comments are so annoying. Someone said first time seeing a Hollywood movie. It's like what? Weird thing to say. Have you seen Bela Lugosi in Dracula? Hello? Where have you been? Someone else said, because I missed it.

Frowny face. Like, it's everyone's good looking because they weren't on it. They missed the train. Oh, they missed the train. Oh, I thought they missed the film. No. They missed the train. Oh, sad.

People are taking it seriously, like, so that people will pay money to see the movie. See, that's the thing. You get those obnoxious... Calm down. This is clearly a joke. Like, what? Oh, my God. They weren't looking for...

It's a rhetorical fucking question. Yeah. Also, I love films where Brad Pitt, like, kind of looks kind of, like, scruff, like... Like, he's not trying to look attractive like he's always gonna be attractive but i don't know there's something about him in this movie where he's just like fucking around i just love him he's a great actor anyway i i agree hot take brad pitt's a good hey no i know but like he had that time of being that just you know eye candy yes like that stud but it turns out like i think he's just really, I mean,

even like burn after reading. I thought it was so funny. He's like such a good, like he can play. Okay. Is this why I hate talking about films? Cause I'd start to feel like I don't know what I'm talking about. All you care about is their looks.

Yeah, that's exactly right. I'm too shallow to really appreciate. So true. Um, anyway, good job. Thank you.

I had, I had fun with letterbox. so thank you alex for that um challenge thank you uh tori and patrons for the reviews of twilight theme that was lots of fun um yeah and um maybe one day we can do a live show in forks washington oh that'll be fun but if we do that to get there we we must sell tickets for this current tour, everybody. So we better get going. So you better fly to Salt Lake City. Everyone from Forks, if you want to see us live, come to our other shows.

We did get a lot of requests for Portland, Oregon. And I'm like, I would fucking love to go to Portland. That'd be so great. I love Portland. I love Seattle. I'd love to go to California. We're not even in California. No.

I'm so disappointed. I would love to go to Texas and see some of our in California. No. I would love to go to Texas. And see some of our Texas people. We're not going south. We're not. Not at all. Not really. Not southeast anyway. I mean southwest.

But yeah. It's true. And we want to. We want to. We want to. Come see us. One day. We'll see you there.

Oh, bye. Or won't we? Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. won't we?