Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 238: Twilight or Classic Literature?

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

Tune in to find out what book is full of sexually frustrated cannibals! Get your live show tickets now! https://www.beachtoosandy.com Follow us on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2.

See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly, cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but i'd give it zero stars if i could you guys today's been a doozy.

I'm excited for this one. I just remembered Blaze told me to please eat before we recorded it, and I said, of course I'll eat, and then I absolutely have not eaten. Me neither. I came from the Reds game. Believe it or not, they don't have many vegan options. It is hard to believe. Is ketchup?

Ketchup generally is, yes, yes. Okay, so I don't know. No, what do you think? Come on. Okay, I canetchup generally is. Yes. Yes. Okay. So I know. What do you come on? Okay. I can't say I didn't eat anything. Right. I did suckle on one of those. It's so nasty.

You know, I thought, you know, those pumps. I hate when I walk you directly into something horrible that I then have to deal with. Yeah. So. Okay. Blaze just texted. Hey, are you doing okay? And I'm like, does he somehow feel from a distance that I did not follow his instructions and did not eat food?

It's possible. It's possible. One moment. I'm sorry. Or he knows that I just made some weird comment about suckling a ketchup pump. Honestly, I'm not okay. Should I tell him? Tell him that.

Okay. I'm texting him now. No, don't do that. Just a picture of me suckling no stop it uh we'll put that on instagram save it save it for some promo oh shit now i gotta go back don't you're gonna get never be able to go back true true true anyway sorry this is uh what twilight v classic lit yes i'm so pumped what a chaotic choice we had to do it folks sitting right there it was sitting right there we decided to do an episode where we have to guess if the other

person's review that they brought is a review of a twilight book or a view of a classic novel correct and um i'm pretty amped about this as well but the thing is i did the usual which is that i completely forgot what i brought to the table so honestly your guess will be as good as mine yeah for the most part that's kind of fun you get to play along yeah isn't that fun for me yeah i um yeah i'm just really excited for this one i did not use any emails just because i had such a good time finding my own we got a lot lot of emails. And it got to a point where I had so many that I had to force myself to stop. I actually told him to check the emails. He's like, I can't. I have too many. No, it was too much. I feel bad because I feel like we didn't get to some of them. But I'm sure they'll be in the running for the future. Yes. Whether we use them today or not. Yes. I think it's just such a fun idea. Okay. Do you want me to go ahead? Yes. Okay.

I have a five-star review. Okay. This is a review of... You'll find out. Dang it. Okay, five stars. God, I almost read the author name as the reviewer name. You have to, like, what do you call it? Not eradicate.

What do you call it? Jesus! Who are we eradicating? Annotate. Nematodes or something. the reviewer i gotta like um what do you call it uh not eradicate what do you call it jesus who are we eradicating annotate nematodes or something yeah ocean worms uh annotate okay i'm just gonna read this review it's five stars hauntingly beautiful very profound and intelligent probably the best modern fable there is. Recommend to everyone from 7 to 77. You will enjoy it and even cry a bit. End of review.

Okay, this is already becoming difficult. It's toughy, huh? Because you could very much see this written for Twilight or any other book. So, which is it? It's Twilight. Nope. No! It's not. So, which is it? It's Twilight. Nope. No. It's not.

What was the first line? Hauntingly beautiful, very profound, and intelligent. I'm like, why do you want me to read that line? I'm like, obviously. That's clearly Twilight. Shit. Well, I really was convinced I had it right. What was it?

The Little Prince. Oh, that's my favorite. I know. That's embarrassing. No, how is that embarrassing? They were vague. There was not a quote in there or anything. Exactly.

And I did edit some reviews down the line, like just kept some things out. I didn't make change, but like. I nematoded a lot of these. Oh, good. Yeah, I got, I literally, some of them are just like a line from a review

because I mean, the reviews, as you know, are like paragraphs and paragraphs, some of them. And I didn't want to go there so uh and if I brought so many to the table I wanted them to be you know short and sweet so these were sent in but same what same short and sweet no mine aren't that long they're just one my next one is kind of long this is uh from Rachel and it is a one star review so guess what it is common sense in this book is non-existent

reading this gave me a throbbing migraine end of review I've read a lot of Twilight reviews. I feel like that is a theme. But I feel like so many other books do it much more. Where it's like these characters are just so oblivious. So I'm going to say classic lit. That is a review of Romeo and Juliet. Oh, yes. Yes.

You know, the common sense. Which should be fair. See, that's what I was saying. I was like, there's another thing out there. There is not much common sense in that book. Exactly. Play. So, I understand. Okay. So, thank you, Rachel. Oh, that was a good one.

Okay, here's my next one. This is a five-star review. This book touched me in profound ways. It was a book that I got deeply involved with. It was not a casual read that was easy to put down and move

on to everyday life. It was a book that I carried around with me and tried to read every chance I could. The characters are moving and intense. Their relationships with each other intimate and touching. Every touch, word, look between them was deep with emotion, and that emotion went straight to my heart. I can honestly say that this is one of the best romances I've ever read. Everything is there that a romance needs.

The intensity, the emotion, the joy, the edge of despair, of knowing that one is in too deep. And the fulfillment of knowing that your intense love is very much returned. It's what I read romance for. This book is proof that a romance doesn't have to have sex in it to be romantic and intense. Or even erotic. End of review. Jesus. Okay.

There were a lot of... Well, no. there was like one clue, which is like, okay, hold on. I have a guess and I also have a guess as to what it actually is about. Okay. Interesting. So my guess is that it is not Twilight, it is classic literature. And my guess is Pride and Prejudice. Okay, very interesting. Or Jane Eyre.

Very interesting. What is it? I would agree with you, but it happens to actually be a Twilight review. Okay, because literally after the first three words I thought to myself,

there's not like, like there are a lot of ridiculous reviews, but like there's no way this is from Twilight. Uh-huh. Holy crap. And I left out

a couple paragraphs. Because it was about the character. And there's also the paragraph I read talking about the characters and their relationships. I skipped a couple lines and this is what it said. I felt Edward's anguish that he

can't let go of Bella, although he knew he endangers her. I walked in Bella's shoes, feeling her fascination and intense love for Edward. That's in the middle of the sentence, or of the second paragraph I read. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So yeah, so there was definitely a lot of specific references to characters. I'm not hating on anyone who loves the book. I'm just surprised at how...

I felt that the language of the reviews tended to line up with the actual book. So like flowery reviews weren't generally Twilight reviews. It was like someone would write that about Pride and Prejudice. Yeah, which I guess

as reading all these reviews I found out that Stephanie with an E actually I guess, based the books on different- Existing romance novels? Yeah, like classic novels. That would make sense.

Which I thought was interesting. I mean, I don't know. There's only so many romantic plot lines. Is there any Romeo and Juliet plot line coming? In Twilight? Oh, wait. I guess maybe that is one of the inspirations. I've seen the first movie, and that's it.

Okay. This is from Juniper They Them, who, by the way, said I might have named myself partly after Christine's cat. Which is the greatest honor Juniper has ever received. And this is a one-star review by Chelsea. Perverted, like all this author's books. End of review. Hmm.

So my thinking is if it were about Twilight, they would say just like all the books in the series, you know, they wouldn't reference Stephanie Meyer's other works. I assume. I don't know. That was my thinking. So I'm going to say Classic Lit. You are correct.

That's the first win we've had. Any guess? Didn't I get the first one right? I said Classic Lit, and it was Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, you're right. So you're winning. I'm winning. Of what that's about, perverted. I Yeah, you're right. So you're winning. I'm winning. Of what that's about.

Perverted, like. I mean, you're never going to guess it. I'm sorry. I don't know. Ernest Hemingway. That pervert Ernest Hemingway. People have some weirdly, yeah. I don't know.

I have no idea. Anyone named Ernest, I'm like like you are a little creep that's what i'm saying cats with six toes like what like what on earth um that was a review of beloved by tony morrison what yeah you're right thank god i did could you imagine if i guessed you're like what's the most perverted book i can could you imagine if i said t said Tony Morrison I'm not just shocking that is shocking Jesus Christ okay well then okay I'm glad I got that one wrong uh here's a one star review okay this is my motivation to improve my communication with loved ones end of review what this is my motivation to improve my communication with loved ones. But I'm like,

well, it can't be Twilight, but also like, what would it possibly be? Like how to win friends and influence people? Wait, maybe it is. Is that classic literature? I don't know who I'm talking to. It is one star. It's a one star. So it's not a positive. I understand. Okay. Can you read it one more time? They're saying it to disparage the book understood okay this is my motivation to improve my communication with loved ones implying that there's poor yeah yeah yeah classic lit correct yes wait okay let me guess uh improve so that communication um a lot of mix-ups um um romeo and julia yep i was like a lot of mix-ups, Romeo and Juliet. Yep.

I was like, are you going to get it? That's what they say. There's a lot of tomfoolery, classic mix-ups in Romeo and Juliet. You know, we all had a good laugh at the end, but there's a lot of confusion along the way. Yep. Okay, here's another review. Just a bit. I simply, okay. this is one i found i just want to need stars what oh five stars i'm sorry five stars redemption i simply cannot say enough

about this beautiful exquisitely romantic novel it is a lyrical tribute to the purity and steadfastness of true love. End of review. Hmm. Purity. I feel like that's not a word that anyone would use. Now this feels like- For Ernest Hemingway? True. The pervert? Don't get me started on Toni Morrison.

Oh no. This sounds like Pride and Prejud something so i'm gonna say classic lit it's a twilight no dead serious was that is that like purity and i guess there's are they pure i guess oh yeah isn't that a thing i saw like i remember when we were reading like letterboxd reviews people uh whereas mostly like memes um someone talked about how like they got married to have sex or something. Yeah apparently that is

a thing that was referenced that they didn't have sex till several books in and they waited till they got married and Stephanie Meyer was a Mormon housewife or something which is just that those words came out of a review I'm not like belittling her that was just what somebody complained about

um so maybe that's how pure and chaste they are where the purity comes in and i think even this i mean i didn't read that far into it but i think the sex scene is also more like implied like it's not like really graphic oh yeah yeah yeah which uh i'm not i again i can't say for sure but um yeah in the one i just read the five star review the reviewer did say that you can have an erotic romantic book without the sex so i think yeah that's what they're probably saying oh i guess that but you're saying you're having a third third book i don't know far in never mind that was a review of just the first one. Yeah.

You know what? I don't know. When Bella and Robert. This is the one I want to ask about. Is it a lyrical tribute? To what? That's what they called it. A lyrical tribute to the purity and steadfastness.

Like what a combination of words. Exactly. That's why it makes no sense that it's for wow i mean listen i'm glad people good for you yeah you know they're feeling positive strong emotions can't fault them for that that's good this episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Students, get $100 when you open an RBC Advantage banking account, which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada,

Avion points on debit purchases, and so, so much more. Unlock more perks for less with RBC Advantage. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 30th, 2024. New eligible vantage conditions apply offer ends june 30th 2024 new eligible clients only complete criteria by august 30th 2024 visit rbc.com student 100 it's tim's 60th anniversary and roll up to win is back win big with a daily ten thousand dollar jackpot sponsored by tim's financial earn an entry with every roll play now on the tim's app

rules apply canada only no purchase. Visit the Tim's app for details. Alright, I'm back to the negatives. This is a one-star review. Finally. As Michael Kors once sighed to a clueless designer on Project Runway, where do I start? Let's open with some descriptive words and sum up this book, and I will then go on to explain them in further detail. Patronizing, insipid, smarmy, just plain bad. To the author, just because you don't understand anything doesn't mean the rest of us are quite so useless. Go cash your checks for that awful movie adaptation they

did of this book, and never try to make a statement about anything ever again. Please. End of review. Holy crap! Okay, I have thoughts because the word insipid seemed to be the most commonly used word in negative reviews of Twilight.

I just, I'm like, it's almost too on the nose. Like the fact that we're playing a game and it says like your, go get your cash, cash or check. And like the movie version of this book. Twilight. Nope. Damn it.

I knew it was too obvious to be a twilight, but I was like, what, what could it possibly be? You, if you guessed this i'd be very surprised okay let me guess um where the red fern grows no uh go cash your check you pervert i don't even know who wrote that and of green gables no. I don't think when... I could be way off, but when I think Anne of Green Gables, I feel like it's a movie adaptation that came

after the author died. That's what I feel about all classic literature. That's fair. How to win friends and influence people. I'm sorry. Maybe classic is a stretch on this one. I just had to do it. Ready? Yeah.

The boy in the striped pajamas. No! That can't be. Christina, okay. I would say that's- Would you say that's classic? I'm not sure. I mean, I don't know.

I've never read it. Yeah, same. I feel like if you're listing classic books, I wouldn't bat an eye if that were on there. No, I read some interesting comments. Isn't there problematic shit about that book? Exactly. I read some interesting comments underneath that because people were kind of confused.

I was too, only because I was like, this person feels very strongly, but I don't remember the movie enough and I didn't read the book. Yeah. So I don't want to get too much into it. You can do your own research, y'all. But people were saying that the subject of the book, the fact that it was kind of written for kids made it soften the atrocities of the Holocaust.

And some people even argued, I don't know if they were being dramatic or actually feel this way or if this is even close to the truth, but were saying that it bordered on Holocaust denial oh boy which because i which people in the comments were disagreeing with very i was back and forth like people had strong opinions about it well and i feel i i mean isn't the story correct me if i'm wrong again i have not watched the movie nor have i read the book but isn't it about a little like nazi boy who befriends some child in a concentration camp because like the nazi boy's

nazi father uh got a nazi job at the concentration and was like some leader or something there um and i think some of the complaints were like why are you like you're treating that you're acting like this nazi boy doesn't know anything and doesn't know what a jewish person is when of course like the hatred of the of jew Jewish people was so strong. Like ingrained. There's no way that this, but there was all this like specific commentary about the book. Wow.

Okay. Anyway, I'm sorry. I didn't need to get into all that so much. I wish it had been Ella Enchanted, which was my next guess. I really was like, speaking of classics.

See, I knew I'd trick you because I knew there's no way you'd guess that book. There's no way. I mean, and I did think like, this is too obvious to be Twilight, but I was like, but I cannot imagine what else it could be. So, wow, you really nailed it. I'm struggling. Okay, I have a one word, one star review.

Oh, goody. So this, we'll see what happens here. The word, the review is propaganda. That's's it that's all i'm gonna say okay hmm and it's not boy in the striped pajamas so just in case you're wondering um i can't imagine that this uh i i don't know what propaganda Christine 2020 for Volvo in the movie or something. Interesting.

I can't imagine. Volvo propaganda. It was written by Ford Inc. It was written by Henry Ford, the Goodreads user. Unless it's a commentary or a comment on Stephanie Meyer's Mormonism or something comment on on on stephanie meyer's mormonism or something i can't like imagine what this would be about twilight but

then again that's exactly why you'd bring it but i don't want to overthink things so i'm going to say classic lit you're right oh phew do you have a guess what book propaganda um 1984 oh interesting 1984. Oh, interesting. No. Okay. Fahrenheit 451. No. Oh, Animal Farm. No, but good guess. I feel like there's so many books that feel very propaganda-y, whether it's satirically or otherwise. Man, Where the Red Fern Grows. All Quiet on the Western Front.

Wow. A River Runs Through. I mean, we could just keep going. The Red Wall series. Ella Enchanted. Ella Enchanted. This is, that was also, by the way, from Juniper They Them. And now I can reveal to you that this was actually the same reviewer on both times.

And apparently these were posted on an account called bad reads official which is on instagram which they take like one star goodreads and post them and so this is the perverted and propaganda were the same reviewers what i meant sorry oh i see so this was of to kill a mockingbird yeah very interesting okay so if i knew known it was the same reviewer i probably would have maybe more likely guessed that. Yeah, so Beloved by Toni Morrison, and then To Kill a Mockingbird is... Jesus Christ.

They're perverted and propaganda. Oh, lordy. Anyway, so... Lordy, lordy. Okay, keep your way from that reviewer. You're doing really well. I'm failing miserably. Have I gotten only one, I think, of yours?

I'm not keeping scores. Someone is. I think so, too. I don't know. Maybe three, one now? I don't know. Maybe three, one now. I don't know. Here's a one-star review. I'll give it this much.

Few books have caused me to actually shake, shake in anger. Wow. I think I need to go boil my eyeballs for a while. What was the author thinking? End of review. Okay. This is the type of hyperbole that frequently accompanies one-star Twilight reviews. So I'm not even going to overthink it.

I'm going to guess Twilight. No. Boy in the straight pajamas again. No, it's not. Alex. Gotcha. I'm going to cry. I cannot believe it.

Are you freaking kidding? God damn it. But, oh, you know what? I just Googled. I suck believe it. Are you freaking kidding? God damn it. But, oh, you know what? I just Googled. I suck at this. Yeah, so there's a, the Holocaust Center North has problems with the boy in the striped pajamas, so I'm going to trust the experts on this one. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like, so I feel like I was going back and forth only because I was like, fuck, I didn't look into this enough. Right. Because I just, I read a bunch of the threads, and then I'm like, was going back and forth only because I was like, fuck, I didn't look into this enough. Because I read a bunch of the threads and then I'm like, that's not research. Not that we're a research podcast. Right, it's just reading people's opinions. That's shitty. It's like reading comments on a news article. So I wanted to look into it a little bit more just to see.

And yeah, it's not perfect. It's imperfect and potentially can cause harm with the way that it portrayed the Holocaust. Well, yeah, I heard some people boiled their eyes out. That's a fair point. Let's talk about harmful, God. Yeah.

Okay, I hate you for that. That was like really tricky. Okay, I am gonna tell you just so you, for peace of mind, I am done. I've moved on from the Pointless Stripes pajamas. I think we're all pleased. I honestly forgot I had two until that second one. You really did react like you were surprised too, which kind of cracked me up.

Okay. So I have a review from Amber, she, her. Well, no, sorry. A review that Amber sent in. But this is a review on Amazon by Hannah. Five stars, verified purchase. Title is My Favorite Book. I am 14 and I love this book. I read it two times and could read it again. This book is my favorite book ever. It held my attention all the way through.

This is definitely the best romance I've ever read. Let me finish by saying I read it once. As soon as I finished, I was like, man, I should read it again. Not much later, I was going for a long car ride, so I did. And as soon as I finished it, I thought the same thing. And I would have, but my grandma wanted to read it. And this is such a great book that I had to let her read it because everyone should read it at least once. One more thing, I cried reading this book. Add this to the list of books that make me cry. Marley

and Me, The Return of the King, and now this one. Holy shit! I did not expect The Return of the King in there. End of review! Wow, that got me. Okay. That was pretty funny. I'm conflicted. I'm very conflicted because on the one hand, a 14-year-old best romance, it lines up so well.

However, encouraging your grandmother to read it, I know there's no sex in it. There's nothing that, but I'm like, I feel like that's something, like the way you described your feelings when you read it and you didn't tell anyone, you didn't talk about it. Yeah. I wonder if this 14-year-old either is different from you, which is very, very possible. Very unlikely. Sorry, that's the word I meant. Or just is like, yeah. Or is this a different book?

So I'm going to say classic lit lit damn it and all you know what the kicker was the return of the king being in there i was like no this kid is reading books like return of the king i was hoping marley and me would get you i i only know the movie so in my head i was like who knows maybe that is kind of like you know what i'm gonna read to you the last line again with without my nematode annotations one more thing i cried reading this book add this to my list of books that make me cry marley and me the return of the king and now jane eyre okay jane eyre i love how grandma's like what are you reading yeah yeah grandma it's the best new thing and then that was the other thing i was like did grandma not read this like this book if it's classic lit. Sneaky. Yeah.

I did have that on my mind, but I think the fact that it was Return of the King. Even though there was Marley and me, I could not picture Twilight being in that trio. Yeah, you're right. No, it was a good though. Amber, that was you nailed it. Right? I was like the perfect confusing

one. Yep. My next one is one star review. I only had to read it once. I never read it for or with pleasure. I prefer childbirth. End of review. Okay. So they had to read it

not for fun. I feel like they're saying they read it for school. I'm going to say classic literature. You're correct. Thank God. I'm sad you picked up on that one. Because I'm like, who is making somebody read Twilight, especially if they've experienced childbirth already?

That seems unlikely. So my guess is. Also, another hint. You can say who you recommend it for. It says recommended for my ex. My guess is The Scarlet Letter. No. Emma.

No. Fuck. I don't know. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Oh, God. Oh, God. I recommend that to my ex, too. I've never actually read it but i think uh so that was what part of what was so interesting about uh this theme i i found out so much about

these books yeah there's a lot of racism in this book for example in the bell jar yes in the bell jar uh that was of quite the theme really Really? One star review. See, I don't know anything except that Sylvia Plath is extremely depressing. Yeah. That's about all I know. There's a lot of books like that. And like the that one, there's an Agatha Christie book or something that like the title used to have the N word. You know, things like that, that I was like, oh, I didn't know about this.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. Anyway. It's an interesting time. I love that we're given kind of like half-assed education that we barely understand. That we got from. Goodreads comments. Right.

Like that we didn't learn firsthand. We got it secondhand. And now we're like. Passing it on. Passing it on. Yeah. It's like a game of shitty telephone. Yeah, it's not what we're usually here for.

Yeah, yeah. Don't necessarily trust us as experts. Necessarily. Necessarily. Yeah. All right, this is a four-star review. By the last page, I had the uncanny feeling of having relived adolescence moment by moment. The naivete, the foolishness, the illusions, the hormone rush.

End of review. Ooh. I'm just going to say Twilight. The hormone rush. You're correct. Yeah. This was considered the most helpful positive review on Amazon of the book. The hormone rush.

I love it. And it was like a 10 paragraph no longer like a 15 paragraph review um but it was written by someone who started it as by saying as a working professional mother so basically the whole thing is like listen i've read all the classics and i fucking love this book which i i'm so excited by i'm like that's the kind of energy that i like it's like we should give mom a copy of Twilight. I feel like she'd love that. She would love it.

Yeah. I mean, she loved Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm sorry to say this, but she loved it. So, yeah, probably. We went to the midnight screening. Of Fifty Shades? Mm-hmm. Was I with you?

It was just me, Tim, and mom. No, it wasn't. I'm just kidding. Alex Zinner, I was about to say. Your face. I hate you. Ew,inner, I was about to say. Your face. I hate you. Ew, God, no. I hate you.

So embarrassing. I went and watched it in theaters, but I don't remember who I was with. So for a second, I was like, did I block that out? Oh, no. I did go to Bruno with Logan and Mom. Oh, God. That was interesting. We also took our little cousin to see Borat and she was like nine.

I think we traumatized her. Oh boy. Anyway. My turn. Here's a one star review. You know staring at a wall for an hour would be more interesting than reading this book. End of review.

So vague. Twilight. so vague twilight yeah yes you got it that two in a row two in a row picking up steam I had to like

remember for a sec I was like wait was it twilight I didn't know if you heard me no I heard you and I was like wait and then I like looked I almost guessed the opposite just to be like, no, I said the other one.

Just so I had 100% chance of winning. Okay. This is a four star review. Also from Amazon. I was really caught off guard by this book and its haunting theme of sexual frustration. They see each other for what they are and love each other for what they are. Neither of them were cannibals, but I almost felt like if they could find a way to eat each other,

they would have. End of review. Okay. This has to be Twilight. Twilight? Nope. What? Any guesses as to what classic novel this is?

Dracula? That's a good guess, Billy. I don't know. any guesses as to what classic novel this is? Dracula. That's a good guess, but I don't know. Like I'm trying to think what, would you like a vague hint? Yes. It's one of my, the only like classics that I really enjoy.

Not, you know, I, that makes me sound dumb, but like, I really, I really like this book. That does not at all make you, even though I did sound dumb but like i really i really like this book that does not at all make you even though i did also not like in classics it's not a stupid thing that's a fine

thing because i really like this book in high school i did like you said read some stuff where i went okay i see why there's some questionable shit honestly don't know what but jane eyre uh uh little women uh the whole cannibal thing. I'm like, I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Oh, is it that one book that I didn't read? Maybe. The Boys on an Island or something? What?

Lord of the Flies? Lord of the Flies. No. Their sexual frustration. Oh, fuck. I forgot the sexual part of this. It's a bunch of children on an island. Okay.

I'm sorry. I haven't read that book. It does sound haunting, though. It does, right? I'm at a loss. I have no idea. Wuthering Heights. Oh, yeah.

I didn't read it. And I read some stuff and was like, okay, yeah, I see how fucked up a lot of this book was. Oh, really? Yeah. But it's an enjoyable read. It was for me, at least. Did you hear people shitting on the book that you talked about getting on Facebook?

I can't with this. What? No, no, no, no, no. Not, not, they're saying like, oh, they're trying to like save you what they think is a waste of time. Okay, here's the thing. It's getting into that one series.

Yeah, well, my best friend Renee is so deeply obsessed with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That like, I don't have a choice. Okay, so you're not waiting for pleasure. I told her I was going to read them, and I already read a couple chapters, and I really like it. Yeah, yeah. No, that's the thing is people are saying, I don't get what people like about it.

Well, clearly, that means some people are liking it. Oh, it's like a huge, but before the episode, we recorded that episode, I had seen a TikTok on this book side of TikTok shitting on that book. Oh, my God. Or that series. Like, nothing that serious. I know. It's just like anytime something becomes really popular, you're going to just get people who are not a fan. And that's fair.

I understand. Thank you for trying to save me, but I... I'm sorry. I didn't know the context behind it. Not that... You would be fine to continue reading it no matter what. Yeah, I'm going to read it and... As long as you like it, that's all that matters.

Listen, I... Look, I'm the guy that thinks that you should be able to rip out pages of your book when you're done with it if you want for whatever the hell you want. I write in all my books. I don't care. I already like it, so... I have not disappointing people by disagreeing with their taste you know what i mean i if that if that's a them problem here's the thing i loved game of thrones i really like fantasy stuff and this is kind of like a renee calls it her sexy dragon book okay and i feel like i'm gonna like it i love twilight like I feel like I'm going to like it. I love Twilight.

There's like rune joining in it. Probably rune joining. And like Renee's finally admitting that she's, this is a long standing inside joke, folks. If you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? What book was that that had rune joining? I have no idea. Oh, okay. I didn't know if it was like some famous.

I wish I still talked to those friends. If I ever do get in touch with them, I'll ask. We used to mock them for reading a book about rune joining, and now look at us. It was like some weird sexual thing in the book. It was probably a famous, honestly, in hindsight. No, I think it was a series, like a famous series. I bet we have some listeners who are like, I know all about rune joining. Yeah, you do.

So email us about rune joining. Do you know what? What? That was the same summer I read Twilight, and I think I was like, this is so embarrassing, because I'm making fun of people on this side for rune joining, and over here I'm reading sparkly vampire sexy stuff. Well, exactly, and I bet some of those people

talking about the new series you're reading are proudly reading Twilight or something. Maybe things will change in the view of this book unless it's really problematic i just feel like i know i don't either yet but i'll let you know i haven't heard that but fantasy stuff i feel like is so traditionally male and male authors and that like i'm excited to have a female author like with a best-selling fantasy book like i just think that a series not a trans folk too you know oh god for fuck's sake like can we have one you know please that's stephanie's she's done great but like we need some more

representation anyway so i understand i knew people were not gonna that was just god yeah i hope some people like it anybody did anybody like it i think so yeah and even in those comments okay i'm just saying that but but it may be true. Anyway, your turn. Okay. Sorry, that was... No, no, no. I started that.

Okay. So here's a one-star review. Friend's wife gave this to me and suggested I give it a try. Cracked the book and read the first sentence. Threw up in my mouth. Returned book to owner. End of review. Oh my...

Well, that's very rude. Okay, the first book. I mean, I'm sorry. The first line of the book. I'm trying to remember. Four score and seven years ago. Sounds about right. Fuck.

It's Twilight. Yep. Yes! What is the first line of the book so i i left out them writing out the oh they did they didn't they this is not the actual first line but this is what they wrote okay i'll read the full review okay friend's wife gave this to me and suggested i give it a try cracked the book and read the first sentence so um okay like my name like is totally like bella okay i may have exaggerated here no threw up in my mouth return book to owner rude so effing rude like you know what fine we're all

we're all uh we're all allowed our opinions um which actually is interesting for this next one that I have for you. This was sent in by Rachel. It's actually a five-star review. And it's a longer one. So longer than at least Perverted or whatever the other one is. I am so unqualified to write about this book. I'm physically unqualified because I could write infinite words about how much I love this book. And I type in a weird way that makes my wrists hurt, so infinity is simply not going to happen. I'm emotionally unqualified because I lack emotional intelligence when it comes to my own feelings,

and the idea of trying to explain how I feel about this book is overwhelming. I'm spiritually unqualified because of the aforementioned overwhelmedness. I'm also unqualified generally in the aforementioned overwhelmedness. I am also unqualified generally in the grand scheme of things, because so many people have written so intelligently about the wonderfulness of this book and I have nothing better to add. Just more rambling like this. I love this book. It gives me, uh, everyone stop reading this to save me the embarrassment and allow me to preserve my rough and tumble reputation. Butterflies. I know I'm cringing forever, but it's true. This is a lovely book. It's beautifully written. It's funny. It's filled with characters who feel

full and real and different from one another. And it is truly one of my favorite love stories ever told. What more could you ask for spoiled rotten the lot of you bottom line a dream i skipped a paragraph about like negative comments and stuff so that might be okay hmm so saying it's uh funny i don't think i heard that about any twilight reviews i feel like generally it was all about how dark it kind of was trying to be or was. So I'm going to say Classic Lit. You're correct. Yes.

Although I did see some comments about how Twilight was funny and not in a mean way. The writing was fun, but I don't know. That was a review. Oh, yeah. Let me guess. Little Women. Pride and Prejudice. Damn it.

Always that one. Classic Love Story. I just love the line about it gives me butterflies, but don't embarrass me by reading this. And then I read it out loud to everyone. Sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. Oh, that was another thing.

I was like, butterfly. I was like, that's a pretty strong word to like, I don't know. Maybe not for Twilight. Oh, I would say it gives everyone butterflies. That's probably the whole. Yeah. I mean, it's like supposed to be like your fantasy romance of like a tween's lifetime. I guess.

Yeah. This didn't feel like it was written by a teen, though. You know? Yeah. Like, I don't know. That's true. If I had just cut that one line and if I had just nematoded that one line, maybe it would have tricked you, but maybe not. Probably not.

Probably not. Who am I kidding? Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis.

Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda.

It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. I've got a one star review Just two words, ready? Ready Dumb bitches End of review Dumb bitches? Yep, that's all it says That's a review of Little Women

Final answer? Yeah It's not Little Women, but it is classic Because you kept saying Little Women I know, I don't think I have a review for Little Women, but it is classic lit. Because you kept saying Little Women. I know. I don't think I have a review for Little Women. I have one more after this. You kept guessing that,

and then I was like, I wonder why, because I feel like neither of us have read that. Yeah. Oh, man. Dumb bitches. What is it about, though? It's classic lit.

Scarlet Letter. Uh-uh. Dumb bitches. That's a good one. Anne of Green Gables. Little House on the Prairie. I'm trying to think of like- We're learning what you really think.

No, I'm thinking of female protagonists, which like in classic literature is not all that many. Lolita. No. Oh, dear God, Christina. I don't know. Not that one. What is it?

I almost said Pride. Romeo and Juliet. Oh, dumb bitches. I swear. As I said, we all had a laugh at the end, but there were a lot of mishaps on the way. Okay, here is a review. I don't think you're supposed to be laughing at the end of Romeo and Juliet. Well, I said that earlier and you were like, yeah, and then we just kept talking.

Yeah, I just. So I thought I'd say it again and see if you still had the same reaction. I'm not saying that I didn't laugh at the end. I'm just saying we're probably not supposed to. So I went along with it because I was like, yeah, of course. We laughed so much. We all had a big laugh. Yeah.

A hearty laugh. And we should acknowledge that that's not everyone's reaction. That there's dead children in this one. Fair. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. So this is also from Rachel.

And this is a review. It's a one star this book is quite possibly the most insipid novel I have ever read in my life it is 345 pages of nothing end of review insipid you mentioned earlier that something with twilight reviews I just don't know how many pages long Twilight is. 345 sounds pretty good, though, so I'm going to guess Twilight. You son of a gun. Did you do that on purpose? You dumb bitches. No, I, well, I loved this because I was like, oh, my God, I keep reading insipid and all the negative.

And so. And you found one that said insipid. But I forgot about it. So then when I read it, I was like, I'm so glad I just inserted that. You tricked me. That's how I felt about you and your little women nonsense. Okay. You still technically were right by guessing classic lit.

I also Googled how many pages Twilight was and it's like 500 something. Oh, really? Yeah. And so I was like, this is a fun pop quiz for Zandy to see if he knows how many pages Twilight is. Yeah, I should have looked. I should have done research, you know? Apparently it's really long, or the book is really big but the words the font is really large oh someone

was like i at least i didn't have to get out my reading glasses oh nice yeah so um do you want to know what it is it's uh oh wait oh yeah yeah yeah uh 345 pages. What was the comment about it? It's insipid and nothingness. Picture of Dorian Gray. Oh, you've been holding that one in your back pocket. That one just popped in my head. Pride and Prejudice. Are you kidding me? No, I'm sorry.

Let me see if there's any more Pride and Prejudice. I only have one more review. I have like two more, but they're short. Okay. Yeah, mine's short too. Okay, ready? This one's a one-star review. Okay.

My last one. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Just have sex. End of review. Oh. Okay, I'm conflicted because... Okay, I'm conflicted because... Twilight.

Nope. Pride and Prejudice. Yep. I knew it. I was like, it's one of those two. I swear to God it's one of those because the number of Pride and Prejudice that were like, this is the most erotic but non-sexual book ever. People were commenting that.

And oh, man. That's funny. I was so close. But then I thought to myself, he's probably ending on a twilight. And you didn't. I did not. I'm such a fool. You are.

OK. Well. OK. Try to decide what orders to read these last couple. Uh-oh. Pressure's on. This one's also from Rachel. I basically took like a million from Rachel.

Good. And it's a one-star review. This is, again, Anato- Anato- What is wrong with me? Nematoded. Nematoded. One star.

No sex! Four exclamation points. End of review. And there were multiple points. Bullet points. But this was one of their complaints. Okay, Pride and Prejudice. Jane Eyre.

Jane Eyre, okay, but classic licks. I mean, you were onto it though. Like, might as well be, right? that's funny. Might as well be.

I mean, I gave you the one where you said little one. I know, I know. Which I think also doesn't have sex. So, could I guess that too?

Are they like sisters? Yeah, I think it's literally a family so could i guess that they like sisters yeah i think it's literally a family of sisters okay what i know about little women which is like the most millennial thing ever is when joey on friends read it and then it got spoiled oh but uh she she rachel had to read the shining uhining. So they like traded books. So she's reading The Shining and she like hid it in the freezer because she was so scared. Got it. You're like, okay, good story.

Understandable. This is like the most like third party information episode we've ever done. Fascinating. Yeah, that's so true. I actually saw, I think our high school might've been after you graduated, performed Little Women or something.

Really? I'm pretty sure. Wait, that sounds right. A play version. I think I was a senior and I opted out because I had just been frustrated with the lack of. I don't really remember it. So I'm sure it was lovely. I had a dream that I was performing in our town again.

That's scary. I had a dream we were performing one of our live shows. Uh-oh. Everyone was naked and we forgot our homework? No, it was something bad. I don't know what it was. My teeth fell out? Not really.

No, not that, thankfully. I didn't look over to check. But yeah, I don't think it was bad. It just felt not right. Oh. Anyway. Those are kind of the worst It just felt like not right. Oh. Anyway. Those are kind of the worst because then you're just uncomfortable. Yeah.

You wake up like uneasy. Yeah. Anyway. Okay. This is another review. This is also from Rachel. I'm so sorry. And I'm going to change the name to male protagonist.

Okay. Okay. Oh, this is a five-star review. I could bang Male Protagonist like a screen door till next Tuesday. That's not all I got from this book, honestly. End of review. And that was the entire review. So genuinely, I don't have more information on what else they got.

Genuinely, I don't have more information on what else they got. So my thinking is Edward, while yes, technically being hundreds of years old or whatever, is a 17-year-old in a 17-year-old's body. I'm pretty sure based on what I've read. So I'm going to say classic lit. You're right. Few. You're right. Few.

I'm not saying people don't talk that way about Edward from Twilight, but I was just trying to think a positive way and hopefully get a positive result. And I did. What book? Let's see. Pride and Prejudice. Jane Eyre. Damn it. Okay.

I actually do have two more. I'm sorry. Oh, nice. Okay. A Eyre. Damn it. Okay. I actually do have two more. I'm sorry. Oh, nice. Okay. A negative and then a redemption. Okay. Now I feel bad because I told everyone I didn't look at emails because I had too many. Well, I looked at quite a few, but we still have some in there for our next Between You

and Us that we- We've been working. We're trying. There's progress, I think. We are saving emails- We're trying to figure something figure something out for the cause whatever the cause may be we just haven't quite determined i saw reddit posts someone asked about it and i don't respond only because i don't know what more to say like that we've said on the episodes because we kind of it was touched on it a couple times accidental like falling off kind of yeah but then it

turned intentional because i was like you know let's do it differently next time around and like do something we wanted to retool it and we are we're still talking about it and we are still there's progress so i think we will do something um hopefully by the end of the summer feel free to keep sending the reviews but yeah but someone was like i was like yeah i stopped being a patron for that and i and i was like, yeah, I stopped being a patron for that. And I was like, my first thought was like, what? Why? That seems unrelated.

And sure enough, someone commented underneath like, but those aren't the Patreon bonus episodes. Those are still going. I was like, okay, thank God people see. I was like, oh, shit. You didn't have to jump in. I was like, do we have to like- No, we still do the bonus episodes for Patreon. And we will do a Between You and Us again. It is going to happen.

We want it to happen. In some form. We'll make it happen. Some way or another. Yes. Okay, two-star review. If you like fantastically depressing subject matter that would make Dickens cry

and an annoying protagonist who can't decide if she's independent or submissive, you'd probably like this book. Oh, man. Making Dickens cry. I mean, I'm going to say Twilight. Really? Jane Eyre.

Really? That bad? The whole thing about the main character not making up her mind, that seemed so Twilight. I think that is why rachel who also sent that in yeah selected smart no i and it says i have not wait i have read jane air it's just been a really long time but it says parentheses think orphans typhoid infested boarding schools and crazy people locked in attics so i guess that's part of oh that's part of it. Oh. That's part of it? I've never read it, so.

I did, but I mean, wow, I must have forgotten about the typhoid. Never forget the typhoid. I can't believe I did. That's so embarrassing. Okay, last one. Redemption. Five stars. This is by the user TechStudent.

I don't know why. I just thought that was funny. On Amazon. My opinion of the book is you will find yourself putting down the video game, sitting down and reading. This book is the story of a lifetime, and you will be reading instead of playing. I started reading the first few pages at home, and it turned out to be the best book that I ever read in the history of my life. I couldn't put it down until the very last page. End of review.

Just going to go with my gut because this is a tough one. Twilight. Okay. Ding, ding, ding. I wanted to end on a redemption of Twilight. It felt very not wrong. I think it's a young boy because I was reading the other paragraphs and he said things

like i was so worried my like friends at school would make fun of me and one guy did but like everyone else was fine with it like it was it was it was very sweet um sweet and he fucking loved it or they i don't know their pronouns but it was uh very sweet and they said it was the best book they ever read in the history of their life. I love that. Good. Wow. That felt like a really good positive. Nailing it. Isn't that nice?

That's nice. Yes. I couldn't feel that way about a book, especially Twilight. I love that. Especially one that gets so much shit. Yeah. It's like, man, who made you the lit police? Same with that book, that series you're reading. Not that anyone was attacking you for reading it. In their

minds, they were like, oh, I'm saving her trouble. Well, someone was like, I stopped being a patron once you started reading that book. Let's wait until they find out what I'm reading. Well, if you're going to be a patron of the arts, well, you're reading reviews of porn because that's our next episode. So yeah, I wouldn't blame

them for quitting. Yeah, that was an experience. So I can't wait to talk about that. Wish me luck. Talk to you next week. Okay, I guess we're done, huh? Yeah, I think so. No challenge today. No challenge.

This actually felt kind of nice. This was a challenge. Back and forth. The whole thing was a challenge for each other constantly. Just a battle. Just a constant war raging. Just a constant raging war. Much like a river runs through it.

Yeah. Bye. Bye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Sheather. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White.

Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.