Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 239: Reviews of County Fairs and Porn

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

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sandy just looked at me and said by by the way, I have four reviews, and I made quite a... It made me nervous. I was like, is this going to be a 20-minute episode? No, because I have like 40,000. Thank God. Are you sure? Christina...

I felt bad. I was like, I'm bringing so many effing reviews today. I felt bad because I'm bringing reviews of porn today. I also feel bad about that. Oh, man. I don't feel bad. I don't feel guilty. I feel victimized about that. And not, I don't feel bad. I don't feel guilty. I feel victimized. Yeah. Understandable. Understandable. And I would like to address something. Oh God.

Very serious. Here we go. Very serious business. So. I just made Blaze bring me a beer. I texted him from the third floor and said, I know you're like working and doing important things with our child and our dog, but can you please deliver me a beer stat you know it was a smart move you know and it was subconscious i was like that's odd i don't know why i feel like i need a beer and then we began recording and i thought oh duh porn reviews i did not think porn was going to win it was not my suggestion so this is like the time 4chan took over that one sweepstakes to meet Justin Bieber. No, they sent Pitbull, I think, to Kodiak, Alaska. You can't trust the internet.

They also sent Taylor Swift to perform a concert at a school for the deaf, I believe. And I believe she ended up making a donation there. They started having to put new clauses in. So anyway. So we got to put a clause. We here's the thing clause santa claus four i'm gonna give my whole porn spiel porn reviews spiel talk about the entire process of okay you know what i won't talk about the entire thing i'll tell a story that'll be later about my journey uh basically how this started worse than the actual story like i'm i i know i'm more uncomfortable than i'm going to be in basically feel free to skip the second bit of the episode when i do my porn if you want if you're

like oh we're doing like half and half and half because i only have four reviews oh i thought we were to do no no i think that was a plan when my head was like so now i'm gonna have to go through all these and then i mean i only have four so yeah and then at the end we do it so then people can at least enjoy county fairs it i it's not that bad let me tell you let me tell you it is mine is not that graphic i can't i i read so many graphic reviews and i was like i don't know what to do and then i found out uh subsects like there's some uh weird um i'm gonna use the word weird i don't i don't care it's it was fucking weird uh it's pretty funny but it was like slapstick porn from like uh i forget even what country like denmark or something i i'll get into it later but there were reviews of that on imdb

so i was like okay instead of using these sketchy porn review sites that I did read that were incredibly graphic and just going through everything, it was tough to find reviews of porn. Like, it's a lot. It's a journey, like I said. I texted Sandy because at first we thought, like, we were going to have to only do that as the theme. Yeah.

And I just did a basic search and, like, immediately was like, close, close, close tab, close tab. It was bad. I didn't immediately. And I got through some and I was like, I just, but I couldn't do it. Like, I know that, you know, whatever. Like there's a, we say some stuff on here. Like it's, it's an 18 plus.

But this was like, this was like rated X stuff that I'm like, gotta find somewhat of a balance i have to like reel it in because it was coming from the one who read like reviews of sex toys on etsy for yeah for an hour no this was just like very descriptive and like maybe in some circles like it would it's kind of funny to talk about but not in this circle it just didn't feel right. So it was not my suggestion. It was voted on by, it was a patron suggestion that was the most liked comment. And then it was, of course, top of the poll,

as I always put the page. Give me their name. Security. It's someone who, I don't think it's a bad suggestion. My reviews are great. It's not Gregory, actually. But it is,

I think it was a good suggestion because I'm excited to read my reviews. They're not bad. Listen to him. It's going to be funny. Just over explaining. I am because somebody in the poll comments said this had to be Zandy's idea. It was something like. Oh, so you're getting.

I'm trying to defend myself. Understandable. Reviews of porn has to be Zandy's idea. Dirty bird. And I'm like, no, zandy's idea dirty bird and i'm like no i'm not a dirty bird this was not my idea well you are a dirty bird but that's the last poll the top yes but the last poll the top comment happened to be reviews of porn and then i put county fairs thinking that was gonna win you it the worst part is zandy's idea was county fairs and i i voted for it i did not want for i mean that is i don't we don't

do that we don't vote for i sometimes do secretly okay i don't so i don't county fair i did because i was like i i don't know how to do this i was so nervous then they got so close they were so close that we were like fine we'll do both but alexander like took fell on his sword and did i was talking to dd was with me in the in my office because she was here and she was working she's like what are you looking at she was like i was like what do i do what do i do because i was like this feels so like i felt weird about it because i was reading some of those reviews and oh my god uh but then someone said lol i specifically chose another option in an effort to save poor christine and i'm like what about me i'm like what this was your idea you dirty

so then i said uh the top option is always a patron suggestion reviews of porn was a most liked comment from last poll trying to just explain myself and this is the response i get i can't tell if this is xandy defending himself or X-Teen being diplomatic. And I'm like, I am kind of defending myself. And I am not being diplomatic. Since when am I diplomatic? Hello? Wow.

I was just like, this whole, it felt like a saga, all of this. It feels like a saga right now. Yeah. So I'll explain more of my saga later. Great. We can't wait. It feels like a saga right now. Yeah. So I'll explain more of my saga later. Great. We can't wait. Okay. Can I just tell you that my good friend Erica for Leona's first birthday got her a series

of books and the little, it's like such a cute character. And when you like press certain buttons on the page, like it'll sing or whatever. I am terrified of as to where this is going. So the book is called Diddy Bird. But one day I walked downstairs and mom was reading it and was like, Dirty Bird. And she thought, because it looks, it's like kind of a weird font.

And mom was like, who bought you this book called Dirty Bird? And it's like Dirty Bird's first birthday. And it's like a little birthday party. And they have cake. And they sing happy birthday to Diddy Bird. But it's I think it happy birthday you dirty bird yeah it's like an Australian or British accent I'm not sure but um mom was like who got you this uh dirty bird book and I went that's I don't think that's what it says um anyway that's just what I thought of there's Diddy Bird is it's close though that is pretty close that's just what I thought of. There's Diddy Bird is, it's close though. That is pretty close. That's a good point.

Okay, fine. I guess I'll read. Anyway, so point being everybody, I'm sorry in advance. It's not that my, my four reviews are all from IMDB, so it's nothing you can't say on IMDB. Um, and it'll be kind of funny and. Okay. Kind of funny.

I think so. I thought they were funny. I think I got some good ones. Okay, kind of funny. I think so. I thought they were funny. I think I got some good ones. And somewhat informational about these really bizarre porn movies from like the 70s or something.

The information we've all been waiting for. Get excited, everybody. In the meantime, though, we have county fairs, thankfully. I wrote out a text to Blaze just now that says, I'm so sorry. Can you bring me another beer? Alexander is reading porn reviews, but I'm just going to like hit enter, you know, when you start. Okay. But I apologize to him.

So like, it's fine. Okay. I said, no offense, but. No offense, but. Can you bring me a beer? Okay. I got so many emails. I saw.

Like. I'm glad. We need to do more basic bitch themes because I was like, this is a blast because I did my own. I went and did my own and then was like,

God, I have a plethora to choose from. I had zero. I know, I know. This is from Laura, they, them. And it is a review of The Big E. Have you heard of this?

I mean, why would you? I feel like I only, you know when we do a topic and then you feel sort of like you know something all of a sudden and you're like, duh, but you realize you've only learned it through doing the topic.

Like two days ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like for me, I read so many reviews of this freaking festival called the big e that i'm like you've never heard everyone knows about the big e yeah it's in springfield massachusetts and laura said they would go uh every year with their family um when they lived in connecticut so i have i'm not kidding laura said like just some great ones so i I'm going to kind of

try and spread them out but I'm going to start with just a simple two star here. This is a two star review by Jesse a local guide. And it reads hate corndogs end of review. That's a bad start. That's a bad

you should not be at a county fair my friend. It's like why why are you? Also, there are other options. Like, I also don't really. Well. Maybe it was corn dog day at the Big E. That's entirely possible. Corn dog day.

When you were not vegan, did you like corn dogs? Yes, very much so. And I have had vegan corn dogs, and I love them just as much. They're good? Delicious. Because that's the thing is, like, I'm not a big fan of like the flavor of a hot dog. Like to me, I'm like, it's not take it or leave it. But a corn dog I always liked.

And I think it's just the texture and breading. Like I think it would be fine with just a vegan hot dog. I don't think it needs like meat in it. That's exactly how I feel. I'm like, it's not like, yeah, you're not enjoying it because it's gonna be good yeah it would be good without a vegan hot dog and even just just the breading i'll just eat the bread i would eat that i would absolutely eat that oh okay so inject like uh i don't know some oreo in there the twinkie stuff or twinkie stuff yeah vegan version of that maybe yeah then you just made a twinkie at that point now you get it okay this is a three-star view by another local guide man laura's finding all the like experts

here oh i have some bad news what francisca told me today that she became something called a local guide on google oh no the way you said it so she didn't realize i don't think she even realized like how what is she doing she was in germany for five weeks and she's like i basically reviewed every place we went oh wow so she's a local guide in germany yeah okay and like amsterdam also she that was easy yeah but remember i did like two reviews because i felt like obligated and then all of a sudden it was like you've earned 80 gold medals i bet that's like their motive try their way to try to motivate you to keep going they give you a local guide early and then you think oh i guess i got i take on this responsibility right the mantle has to do this to me yeah so i'm just

saying okay local guide I don't know. This local guide, though, that I'm about to read, 437 reviews, which is a lot. That is a lot. So, this is, again, of the big E in Springfield, Mass. Three stars. Okay. But negative. Obscenely expensive just to park.

Then it gets worse. Basically the fleecing you'd expect. The food is predictably terrible. The rides do not inspire confidence. And if you go on a sunny day, you'll feel every minute of those harmful UV rays cooking your family alive. First of all, okay, sorry. Holy cow. That's not the county fair's fault. No. That's the ozone layer not doing its job. They basically described the experience at any county fair.

They basically described the experience of being outside. Okay, true. Like anywhere that there's a sun in the sky. Yeah, I just meant including the other bits, but yes. Right. I mean, it also... Also including the rest. It's expensive to park.

The food's fine. The end. We're all going to get melanoma now, I guess. I don't know. There's one more paragraph. It's the typical experience you expect from these places. You take your kids, hoping that they'll feel some magic, while wondering why you yourself can't feel any.

Is it just this venue, or have you lost some piece of yourself? End of review. Jesus Christ! I think he has heat stroke. I'm not sure. Oh my God. Yeah. This is a personal issue

that this person's bringing with them to the county fair. This isn't happening to them because of the county fair. Yeah, the county fair is just exacerbating their pre-existing. It sounds like a review of Disney. My kids were trying to feel the magic and I felt nothing. I felt nothing. It's like, you're depressed. Could it be the Zoloft?

You're depressed. Or is the Zoloft helping? You know, it's like, am I numb because of the Zoloft? Am I numb because there's not enough Zoloft? Amen to that. It's the eternal question. I get it, Josh, but I can't help you. Yeah, nor can the Google reviews or whatever.

Have. Nor can Yelp. A corndog. They didn't say they didn't like corndogs. You're right. They said the food is predictably terrible, which. If you don't like county fair food, don't complain about county... Like, if you know that already, what do you expect?

I mean, it's literally funnel cake. Like, it's the same shit. Yeah. Like, me, I'm vegan. I'm not going to go to a county fair... You are? And shit on the food. Even though it's probably all garbage that I can't eat,

I'm just going to be jealous. Consider before you were vegan... I didn't have a deep fried Oreo. We would eat it and get so sick anyway that, like, it didn't... I mean, yeah, I'd't eat, I'm just going to be jealous. Consider before you were vegan. I didn't have a deep fried Oreo. We would eat it and get so sick anyway that like it didn't. I mean, yeah, I'd still eat. If it were all vegan, I'd eat it all. And still feel sick. I'm just saying like.

Well, this is probably fitting. And I do feel like maybe something is in the corn dogs at the Big E. I was going to say in the water, but I don't think they serve water at Couch Toast. Yeah. I think they serve Diet Coke. Yeah, big tubs of it. Just big buckets. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically

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Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. This is actually a five-star, so it is a redemption technically. It's a five-star review by Donnana and i wonder i wonder if you maybe relate to this at all okay i had my bread dough with cinnamon and sugar and for supper i had casita that's spelled sorry q-a-s-i-d-a i think quesadilla is what that's supposed to be oh my god as you kept going i thought my brain was just collapsing in on itself. QASIDA.

Q-A-S-I-D-A. I assume that's supposed to be a quesadilla. Quesadilla? Oh, my God. That's just my guess. Okay. I had my bread dough with cinnamon and sugar, and for supper, I had quesadilla. I also bought a bracelet that helps me deal with the pain.

What is happening with the Big E? I don't know. But Laura, can you explain yourself? Because you used to go to this fair and I feel like something sinister is going on. Wait, they're selling bracelets for pain at the Big E? Just to cope with pain. Just a coping bracelet? Maybe we should tell that guy, Josh.

Is it like, I don't know, one of those candy necklaces, but it's drugs? Oh. And you eat it and you feel happy? They're like, take your Zoloft dosage. I feel like that's a thing I heard about as a child and it's probably not even a real thing. Because it would be like, don't go to a rave because they will put ecstasy on a candy bracelet and you'll think that it's candy. Yeah, exactly.

You know how it is. Our school literally told me that story once. I believe it, yeah. That if you go to a techno rave, that people will give you candy, but it's really drugs. Is that why you asked mom to never play Tiesto again? Yeah. It's also why...

I love candy bracelets. Wow. I finally understand why you are constantly eating those candy bracelets. And I'm like, I got these at the Dollar Tree, but I don't feel anything. Oh, weird. Is it the venue that's changed? Or do I not feel... What does he say? Is it just his venue or have you lost some peace of yourself is what I say every time I eat one.

I've only had a third of a beer. I don't... Your tolerance is so high for ecstasy that no, you think? I'm like, is it the soul after? Is it the ecstasy? Or is it the candy? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Is it the high fructose corn syrup? All the sugar. The fake sugar. I would love a corn dog. Okay. Me too. This is from Stephanie with an E. I know.

The Stephanie. It's Stephanie, but a different one who honestly wrote one of the nicest emails I've ever read and said like our show's their comfort podcast. Oh, I deleted a mean one earlier. You what? I already deleted. You did? Oh, yeah. Like a few days ago. Oh, I deleted a mean one earlier. You what? I already deleted. You did? Oh, yeah, like a few days ago.

Wait, seriously? Yeah. What was the gist? I don't want to read it. I'll tell you later. It's probably in the trash. I was like, I normally don't delete them. I was like, this is stupid.

Just deleted it. No, not like personal. No. Oh, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. Whatever you're thinking, I promise you it has nothing to do with that. Okay. Like anything with us. It was no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. Whatever you're thinking, I promise you, it has nothing to do with that.

Okay. Like, anything with us. It was, I promise. All right. Well, Stephanie. It's not bad. Stephanie says, can't speak for any, by the way, like, capitalize the E in every instance. Can't speak for any other Stephanies, but I'm Stephanie because my dad is Steven, P-H-E-N.

Oh, yeah. And so I jokingly refer to myself as a junior, which I think is like- That's cute. The cutest thing ever. So this is our view that Stephanie sent in of the Hancock County Fair in Indiana. Is that why Blaze wanted to name Leona Blaza? Blaza? You know-

I got to make it feminine. It's funny. Yeah, of course. It's funny you say that because, I mean, it's not yeah of course it's funny you say that because i mean it's not funny but it's interesting i know was that the email you got yeah retroactively um because leon has actually named for all the leonards len but leona is a nicer name in my view isn't it yeah so when i was pregnant i was like we can't have a boy because i wanted to name the boy leo and place was like no we'd have to name it leonard and i was like i can't do that i can't

post on instagram i love leonard cohen it's just and so i thought leon is a perfect like combo of like not and i i love leon is a great name i think i don't have i don't have a problem with the name leonard it's just like yeah an infant of mine it would be it would be we have to automatically nickname the infant yes you know what i mean yeah oh yeah nard dog nard dog you're so right wait true is it too late to change leona's name i don't know okay i'll look into it thank you good idea um by the way stephanie also said can't wait to cringe along with you while zandy reads porn reviews so j. It's going to be interesting. And it's not nearly as bad as people are probably expecting after my meltdown at the beginning of this episode.

You really did have like... Christina, this has been... I'm sorry. There are angels inside me battling. Oh, what? Is that what? I'm just being traumatic. What does that mean?

I don't know. By the way, because I haven't referenced Stephanie enough, apparently, they also said go Reds and you were at a Reds game today. Literally today. It was terrible. It's been a good week for the Reds. That's right. We talked about you eating out of the ketchup earlier. That was a different episode. Did we even acknowledge that I was at the game? I don't remember. Yes, we did. Oh, because acknowledge that i was at the game i don't remember yes we did oh because i said i was at the game i didn't eat anything except he was at the big game at the big game so this is a positive review on facebook because on facebook you can

only do like recommend and doesn't recommend this is by beverly and it is a positive review of the hancock county fairgrounds in Indiana. Everything except the donkey baseball. It was very disappointing in every way. End of review. What's donkey baseball? Honestly, I'm just mad that anybody could be disappointed by something called donkey baseball. How is that the thing?

Unless these donkeys are treated horribly. They're really bad at baseball. Oh. Oh. What did you say? I said treated horribly. Oh. No, you're right. If they are bad at baseball, they deserve to be treated horribly. You're right. You're so right. You're right to say that. No, I know. Okay, listen. Sometimes I'll go along with your bullshit. I did not say that. Oh.

But I will say. It would have been so fun. I don't care how they treat it as long as they're good at baseball. That much I will say. See? I just love that it was disappointing in every single way. Like there's not even one redeem. Like you didn't even get a cool photo for your Instagram story to be like, look at this. Am I allowed to Google donkey baseball right now?

Yeah, can you please? I was actually going to, but I'd rather you do it so I can drink my beer. Last episode I was Googling about boy in the striped pajamas. Oh, God. You're out. Oh, no. Yeah, they were fucking riding on these donkeys. It looks, I think.

Oh, no. I thought the donkeys just get to play baseball. Oh, they are. This does not look fun for the donkeys. It was the sports fad of the 1930s. Maybe it should have been left in the 1930s like everything else. Good joke. Not that everything has been, but yeah.

Okay, thank you. Anyway. Oh, is that why Beverly's Facebook photo is like a portrait, a black and white portrait made by one of those cameras where you put your head underneath a blanket. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Wow. Did I tell you? Oh, you were here.

What could possibly be related to this right now? Those creepy photos I received. Oh, yes, Christina. Who sent those? We don't know. No, it had a name on it. No, I didn't really. Yes, I had a return address name on it that I meant to look up, but they didn't write a note. And they sent me probably like three dozen black and white

original photos from like the late 1800s, early 1900s. Some of them even had names like Esther and like penciled in. Wow. Like spooky. Yeah. And every time I touch them, I feel uncomfortable. That is spooky. Well, because it's fucking creepy. Reveal yourself, whoever you are. So you can rent these donkeys for your own baseball game.

So not only are people riding, people who aren't supposed to be or aren't i don't know i i know i lean farther than most people so i'm just gonna walk it back a little bit but basically say um these people who probably have never ridden a donkey before are sitting on these donkeys and playing baseball with them it sounds terrible really. That's like really awful. I'm sorry. That sounds pretty bad. Anyway. Anyway. Well, thanks a lot. I just want to watch donkeys play baseball. Thanks a lot, Stephanie.

What? By the way, who said go Reds? So you know what, Stephanie? Uh-oh. Maybe he's just a big Adam Dunn fan, the donkey, you know? What? Adam Dunn? That was one of his nicknames?'s adam oh man i thought you'd at least know who he was sounds like a reds player he was a former reds player that was like really

big when we were coming up when we were growing up and and he was called the donkey yeah are you serious because he i think he still has one of the somebody always sat on his shoulders i remember that johnny bench would sit on his shoulders. I remember that. Johnny Bench would sit on his shoulders. I wanted to prove that I knew some sort of player. Yeah, very different times, though. I know, because Johnny Bench was like, you're the old donkey. I'm going to sit on you. Or wait, which one's the older one? Johnny Bench. Okay, so he had to be... Johnny Bench was not playing when we were growing up, like Adam Dunn was. Right, but Johnny Bench was not playing when we were growing up like Adam Dunn was.

Right. But Johnny Bench was. He had retired and then became a coach. And then became a donkey baseball player. Got it. Yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah. Anyway, Adam Dunn has.

Can I text please now that. He's known for his home runs and his power. And he probably still has the farthest home run hit at our ballpark. I wouldn't be surprised if it's up there at least. I'm not listening because I'm singing that song The Rock sang about power. It's about power. Oh, man. Okay, let's move on.

Okay. This is another review of the Hancock County Fairgrounds. It's a negative review. Kyra does not recommend this fair. I love that there's events like the monster trucks and derby. A suggestion though, when asking people to rise and face the flag for the national anthem, you should probably have our flag on display somewhere. I went to see the monster trucks tonight with my family and watched numerous people turn in circles looking for the flag. It was a disappointment as a military wife.

End of review. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Imagine all the people spinning. Imagine. They just keep going. They're like, I can't stop until I see a flag. And then they start flying away like a little helicopter.

Yeah. Yeah. Man. Helicopter man. Yeah. I forget. Is this our weed episode? No, it feels like it.

I feel really delusional. Oh my gosh. The spinning in circles. There were a lot of complaints about places not prominently featuring the American flag enough. Man, it's creepy. And it's something that... It's just bizarre.

Why are you even looking for... I don't know. Why? I was at the Reds game today. You're eating a deep fried Twinkie. Like, what more proof do you need that you're in America? Exactly. I was at the Reds game today and there was a member of the Marine Corps, a former member,

or they always, I don't know, it doesn't matter. Dishonorably discharged. Dishonorably discharged. No. Someone who, and it was like people were like freaking out like this was like they cheered louder for this guy uh and as adam done then for adam done when he was on all fours going around the bases i don't i was cheering louder for but no i it was just so was also there they were like i was cheering for pita i love both sides

um no um they they were like freaking out oh and i was listening and it was like part of operation iraqi freedom and like all these things that i'm like do people really still say this shit like as and like take it seriously like the wmd heMD. He found all the WMDs. No, it was just so weird. And I was like, man, this is a fucking American baseball game. Because I normally just go to the FC Cincinnati games, which, yeah, they have the anthem at the beginning. But like beyond that, I think they have something about a hometown hero of some sort. And a lot of times they're like EMTs.

Exactly. They have a lot of. Paramedics or nurses. But the last couple of first responders that were honored at the Reds games I went to this week were both like cops, retired cops. And I'm like, this, FC Cincinnati like games are so different. So it just felt very like, oh yeah, I'm in Ohio

America. I was like the only person not like standing, freaking out at. Like out of excitement. Yeah, today. And I was like, holy shit. As this guy's talking about Operation Iraqi Freedom. I'm like, what year is it my god and i was like holy shit as this guy's talking about operation iraqi freedom i'm like what year is it yeah i was like well oh and then that song by travis randy travis played or whatever is that who sang that i don't know i'm in the bushes i'm everywhere what i remember that but obviously you remember that. Okay. God.

It took me 18 minutes to explain to you what it was. You better remember. I totally do. Wink. I'm in the wind. I'm in the sky. I'm in your hair. I'm a twinkle in your eye.

I'm a twinkle in your eye. I'm all around you. I'm Randy Travis. I don't know if that's who's saying it. Okay. I don't know. Someone was whispering that to me, though, today. Yeah.

That the game was weird. I'm a twinkle in your eye. I said okay. First Lieutenant Powell. It's a great to meet you too. How free is Iraq these days sir? To be fair you were spinning in circles looking for the flag so someone had to calm you down. True. And it was about time. He grabbed me and whispered in someone had to calm you down. True. And it was about time. He grabbed me and whispered in my ears to calm me down.

This is like. What is happening? We're so. Then the Redzilla golf cart thing that shoots. What the fuck is that? I've never heard of such a thing. It's like a golf cart with like a creepy thing on it to make it look intense. And they drive it around the stadium shooting like these like little rubber balls into the.

An AK-47. It was like these like cannons. It was intense. And I was the only one sitting down. Balls. Like rubber balls? Like rubber balls. That sounds painful.

Like bean bags. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Oh my God. I'm kidding. No, I don't know if they're rubber. But they're like very lightweight and they just go shoot way up in the sky and fall down. But they're made of steel.

And they have a pointed tip. They burst. And there's this mustard gas inside of them. It was a whole thing. Anyway. No wonder everyone was cheering. My section was fine. Everyone else won.

Not so much. I'm going to send Blaze the text now. OK. To bring me another beer. This poor guy. Can we all do a round of applause for Blaze? No. Can we all stand and salute?

Christina, wait. I was about to say, where's the American flag? Then I realized you have like 10 in here. It's so easy. Do you know how I panickedly looked around being like, I do? I have a lot of skulls though. True. Does that count? Okay okay here is a review there's a skull skulls of the soldiers who died for my freedom okay next you mean iraqi freedom

on both sides yes leona just got up excuse me blaze do you know he just said to me he said no good it's about time someone did. We're never going to read another review. What did he say? As a military wife, this is a disappointment. No. He said, Leona just got here. You will have to get it yourself.

Okay. I don't think I've ever been so deeply offended in my whole life. What? Because he can't right now? Yeah, this is empty. The nerve. Yeah. Why don't we just pause and you go get one? You know what?

Or you just keep reading. Much like the troops, I say... You're going to battle? No, let me finish. Okay. Much like the troops, I say the show must go on. Okay. So here is a review.

This was sent in by Molly. And this is of the Champlain Fair. Champlain? Champlain. Champlain Fair. Champlain. I refuse to accept any of these because I don't know. All right.

Thank you, Molly. This is a two-star review, so it's a negative. And it's by Caden. All capitals. 2021 was so horrible. Where is Scottie's? The only reason we went was for our family pictures and keychains. We have a grandson and grandbaby, and we haven't gotten one pic with the kids and grandbabies. After 27 years of watching our kids grow up in these beautiful pictures and keychains on the wall, I was truly depressed. And one more thing, what happened to 10 days of summer?

Always open, last day Labor Day was so, so sad. Total disappointment. Frown face, end of review. What are these things? I don't know. Molly said something like, is it really about the keychain? these things i don't know molly said something like is it really about the keychain like i don't know must be about the keychain i guess so i guess they get their family photo taken every year at the county fair that's kind of fun i guess it's fun

but yeah that's a bummer i suppose um that is weird that they're not doing it. I wonder what happened. I wonder what happened since before 2021, right before 2021. Oh, I thought this was 2001. No, 2021. This wasn't September 12, 2001? I'm so confused. I know you live perpetually on that day in your mind, but no. I mean, the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom was its best day. I know you live perpetually on that day in your mind, but no.

I mean, the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom was its best day. Was the best day of what? What? What? Was the operation's best day. Oh, I see. It was all downhill from there. Yeah, well, obviously.

You know, I was talking to Tim about this. What? Tim is our stepdad, by the way, everybody. Yeah. No, no, no, no not him uh sorry Tim Powell the guy behind you the sergeant yeah oh the one lieutenant whatever I said whatever I made up no I was talking to Tim about how like in middle school uh because presumably like because of the effects of 9-11 and the war that happened after and uh my friends we all talked about well they talked about how they all wanted to join the military oh it was such a thing sorry

what nothing no oh no is right i mean oh no one of them did oh no just that they're you're like 11 or 12 no it's exactly that's what i'm saying it's like kind of it's scary jarring because it's like oh you think about that as a at least from my perspective and i'm probably i'm not probably i'm definitely quite ignorant but like to think about joining the military it sounds like a vietnam you're drafted you know thing that was such a thing that we all talked about as if like that's the right thing to do and we were gonna did you say you were gonna join it no. I didn't because I said, which this was true. I told them I can't join the military because my mom said she'd kill me.

Well, that is true. And she literally said that. And I think she literally would. Yeah. Because someone's going to kill me anyway. Can you imagine me? No, could you imagine? Yeah.

And it turns out she was very right to say that. Like, I know it's very harsh but i'm like good thing that she nipped that in the bud as if as if i would have anyone i don't know we were kids but it's just a hard thing to think about like we were so little and having those conversations and as if that was like so normal god i thought your porn part was gonna be rough this is like getting really upsetting it It's part of my plan. Wow. In my notes, I have bring up 9-11. You just ruined Christine's section.

Oh, oh, with 9-11. Got it. Bring up 9-11. Bring up the military. Great. Well, congratulations. You've done it. This was sent in by Hannah, and it is of the Monterey County Fair.

Should I tell mom to bring me a beer? No, I'm just going to get it for you. I'm sorry. This is a one-star review of the Monterey County Fair. If I could give it no stars, I would. I got my backpack stolen with my wallet in it, and I know that the Mexican guy working the Tilt-A-Whirl took it. I want him fired. I wish i would have figured this out sooner who knows what i would have done end of review um how how how is that figured out like how does one not realize that what happened and then later realize that's what happened there must be a very brief window makes no sense yeah agreed like as if like

later you think back unless they're thinking hmm let me think of a type of person they're just fucking racist and well it couldn't be that no way no couldn't be not in my free country i mean even just to say the mexican guy like you don't like I presume they didn't say, where are you from? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's all just bad. There's another review someone sent. I forget.

He did salute the Mexican flag. It's the only flag on the property. That was the problem. And it was there were so many that he kept spinning and he kept seeing them. Yeah. But he was on a tilt-a-whirl. Yeah. He was he was basically just being one with the ride

yes yeah so i respect it a lot and like what has happened to this country you know lots of tilting and whirling too much too many mexican flags oh god okay glad you got gave me that quote i'm glad that's in here i'm not even gonna say they have a great flag though they do i am a fan i don't see enough of that thing. Okay. Now she's walking it back. Christine 2020. More Mexican flag.

We love Mexico. I've always wanted to go. Do you have another review? Yes. Probably. This is from Megan Sheher, who, by the way, signed her email. In the name of the rockin', the tall, and the handlebar mustache, we pray. Hell yeah.

That's right. Foodie News 1. Handlebar mustache Robbie or something? Yeah. Tall Beth. Tall Beth. I'll never forget Tall Beth. Yeah, I hope I got that right.

I mix them up all the time. Rockin' Tiffany. I don't know how I remember, but when I see the adjective, I'm like, I know who that is. That's impressive. So this is of the Monmouth County Fair. And this is a one-star review by Richard. My brother and sister-in-law were not inspired by the fair to invite me to join my niece and nephew. End of review.

They were... One stop. The fair didn't invoke... Familial... Uncles coming along. Is that what they're basically saying? I guess so. They were not inspired to invite me to join them.

So it's the fair's fault? It's the fair's fault. He asked, why wasn't I invited? And they said, the fair just really didn't give us that family feeling it didn't inspire confidence in your you yeah that's rough richard i'm sorry i think you're probably a great uncle that sucks that's really awkward that's so sad like imagine could you imagine if you didn't but i mean okay there's plenty that's weird though because like i don't know you blaze and leona do things that i wouldn't be invited to but only because they don't usually inspire me to invite but i wouldn't write a review about those places wouldn't that

be sad that would be they went to michael's crafts without me yeah so this is a five-star view of the same fair so this is a redemption they told me of the same fair. So this is a redemption. They told me I was a few months too early for the fair, and I knew it was a shot in the dark, hoping there was cotton candy for sale, but live and learn. Who's they? Who's hanging out there ready to tell people the fair's not today? They told me.

Well, it sounds like his family and friends were like, it's too early. You're not going gonna find it do you know that i used to hold on i just had a recovered memory oh you know when that happens things are trouble yeah and you thought this episode was off the rails just wait we got to rock memory everyone's world tell me when i was, I would check weeks, months in advance for any sign of the Easter Bunny. Weird. Like I would put out notes.

Where? On the landing of our house. Oh, because you thought he was like living in our house. Just lurking. That's terrifying. Yeah, and so I would like put out notes and be like i'll i'm here if you want to hang out early if he was well then i would have been thrilled that's that's such a scary thought yeah well i put that's like horror movie shit where it's like the kid is

like oh yay the easter's bunny easter bunny's here it's like yes little girl we all float down here i kill your entire family i'll float down down here in the Easter bunny patch. See, exactly. I would put notes like in the bushes and be like, where's the Easter bunny? And then for like weeks, I'd be like, this mofo is not coming. And then like reliably every Easter he'd show up. And I was like, I've been waiting for him for weeks. So I get it that he went early and everyone said it's too early. And he said, maybe there will be cotton candy.

And to me, I said, maybe there will be candy. Yes. And you both were wrong. We were both wrong. But Patrick's a local guide, so I feel like a little better about myself. Because we totally didn't just talk about how little it takes to become a local guide. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Oh, right. I still keep going, huh? Oh, you keep going. No. All right. So all I have left, left sandy are redemptions um this first one is from laura again the same laura they them and it is a five star view of the big e i love the big e even when you're not having fun you can always just people watch it's like wal Walmart without a roof.

End of review. Also kind of describes every county fair in America. Yeah. I love that. That's kind of true. Yeah. So I thought that was really nice. More fun than a Walmart.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Except for Josh. And more local vendors. Except for Josh who is getting roasted alive or whatever. Oh my God, yeah. Getting cooked. In the harmful UV rays.

Getting cooked. Now what I've got for you is a redemption of the Big E as well. This is again from Laura They Them. I love this one. Okay. It's like if your heart needs a little unmelting. Okay. This is by Lawrence.

Five stars. The Big E is excellent. It has so much to offer, and the best part about it is the first day of each year, they let the veterans in for free, which I am a veteran, and I appreciate that so much. It means so much to me because I meet all my friends. End of review. Aw. I almost cried when I read that so much. It means so much to me because I meet all my friends. End of review. Aw. I like almost cried when I read that.

That's good. I was like, Lawrence, that's like so touching. I meet all my friends there. I mean, I'm so happy about it. And now, the ultimate redemption. Oh, this is the ultimate one. That was penultimate. That was penultimate.

This is the ultimate. From Megan, Monmouth County Fair. stars by kathleen whammy the fair is here now horses and pigs and other critters sure but also quilts and photos plants and pies garden questions questions? Get answers here. What are youngsters and oldsters up to? Check out the fascinating variety of paintings, drawings, and creations. Woodworkers, history buffs, animal lovers, food lovers, there's something here for you. And kids, here are the kinds of rides your parents and grandparents might have thrilled to. Fun, loud, and a bit scary. You'll love them. And fair food isn't once a year okay for this stuff.

Funnel cakes, ice cream concoctions, and fried everything. Don't miss He'll Be the Skinny German Juggling Boy. Okay, we took a turn. We took a wrong turn. For the better. No, we took a wrong turn. I don't think this is back to horror movie. What's their name?

Every year in March, I start writing letters and I hide them in the bushes for Hilby. For Hilby the skinny German juggling boy. Are you seriously Googling? The skinny... Send me. It starts coming up.'ll be the skinny german juggle boy send it to me now you mean he'll be.net i do i do mean that my god wait this looks fun

that's cool send me that's cool that they booked he'll be just go to he'll be.net. What are you? Oh my goodness gracious. This is incredible. You can book Hilby. I'd book Hilby. God, I did already. Nice. I don't even know where they're like, where. Okay.

Can we talk about. Hilby? His Instagram is, his Instagram handle is Hilby the skinny German juggle boy. All one word. Incredible. It's really long. I'm amazed. His most recent picture is, here's the caption.

When your Tesla breaks down in the UK, you better have a sense of humor. Why? And then someone commented, that made me laugh. Oh, good. So you know what? He's doing his job. I love Hilby. Oh, he's in Austria.

Oh, no way. Yeah. Here, visiting the homeland where vegetarian is not being optional. True. Yeah. Cool. That's cool. True. Yeah. Cool. That's cool. Cool.

Respect. Cool. I get it. That's a plus for sure. All right. So. Why is that a plus? For the fair.

Having he'll be. Sorry. Oh, I thought you meant not being vegetarian. No, no, no. Oh, what an interesting turn you've taken. No, no, no. Oh, what an interesting turn you've taken. No, no, no. Okay, let me continue this. I'll allow it.

Don't miss Hilby, the skinny German juggling boy. His act is astonishing and funny. Evening descends and the lights brighten. It's reminiscent of a Ray Bradbury story. Go home tired and happy. End of review. What Ray Bradbury story. Go home tired and happy. End of review. What Ray Bradbury story? Fahrenheit 451?

No, what's the one? I hope not. No, I think I know which one. I mean, I'm not even joking. Yeah, I... What's the World's Fair? Who wrote the World's Fair? I don't know.

Because that's what I think of. E.L. Doctorow. I really love that book. What is it about? I forgot about it until it was a fairy. Is it about the World's Fair? It is. And I forgot about it until this literal moment.

Okay. But it's set in the 1930s, so you'd love it, Zadie. Oh, perfect. Your favorite decade. That's where I want to be sent back to. Yeah. So anyway, I don't know what Ray Bradbury, but I feel like the Ray Bradbury is like an Americana type thing. No?

Am I wrong? I've never really read Ray Bradbury. I don't think so. i've only read fahrenheit 451 and that is very much not what it's about so um well the martian chronicles well maybe it's like being on mars dandelion wine wait i read dandelion wine that's ray bradbury yeah i didn't know that i did okay yeah that's yeah that's very americana so yeah okay you got me there yeah um oh the sound of that wow okay anyway you're done now yep are you sure you're ready for this wait nope let me check let me check desperately for one more nope nothing good luck um okay so here we go.

No, it's not that bad. No, I promise. Because, Christina, and I promise you it could have been a thousand times worse. I believe. When I was doing my research, it was terrible and troubling. Because a lot of people think that writing a review means describing vividly exactly what happens in a porn and it was just like i was looking at like these this there's this database and it has reviews like meant to be imdb but for porn but everything in there wasn't like like more vintage stuff it was more like recent

so it was like really gross it was it was interesting did it say like spoilers ahead when they were like going to give spoilers? Honestly, I don't think so. That's pretty funny. Which I feel like because if they're describing the plot. Yeah, there were definite spoilers. Well, I only watch porn for the plot anyway. Yeah, exactly. As most people do.

I found some for you though. Excellent. So this first one is a review of agent 69 and the sign of scorpio this is from 1977 okay here's the summary so what it was like actually really interesting to read about some of these because they were basically uh these like spoof um it was like these like spoof films these like kind of slapstick comedies, but with like hardcore porn. Oh my God. Like scenes.

Oh my God. It's fascinating. It's really fascinating. I'm sure there are multiple dissertations about this. I'm not even kidding. I would hope so. Yeah. I would hope so.

If not, hopefully we inspire someone today. Hopefully. Here's the summary. hopefully uh here's the summary clumsy secret agent agent 69 must deliver secret formula for new revolutionary fuel source to western agents instead he mistakenly gives it to a random kid so now both him and evil rogue agent scorpio go after the kid okay it's a danish is it a kid i i don't know yeah that's a good point i really hope you know what i i don't think so um like that doesn't sound good yeah i don't i don't think so okay let's just go ahead and know but uh fun fact this stars uh anna bergman um who is the daughter of Ingmar Bergman.

No. But her sex scenes were done by body double. What? So it's really interesting that she's in this as a star, but doesn't do the sex, but her character does. But pretends to. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. And it's hardcore. It's's like hardcore. Like it's not, it's porn basically. So you'll get more information from these reviews. Oh, thank God. Because these are what people would have to say.

So here we go. And these are written like recently, right? Well, obviously they were not written in the 70s. This one was written in 2008. Okay, yeah. Here we go. This is, I think, overall positive review. Not too remarkable, but not unentertaining.

European spy spoofs were very big in the 60s, but by the late 70s, they seemed very passé. Not to mention pretty unnecessary, since the serious spy movies, like the Bond film Moonraker, had pretty much sunk into self-parody. This Danish film, though, adds a very 70s element into the mix. Hardcore pornography! Actually, anyone looking for hardcore sex will probably be disappointed, as the graphic sex scenes are few and far between, and are all lacking the money shot. It was typical in Europe at the time to insert brief hardcore sequences into even some of the most innocuous films

when they were showing in more liberal markets like Scandinavia. The only difference here is the inserts actually seem to have filmed at the same time and involve some, but not all, of the same talent. This film is somewhat similar to Le Porno Killers, or the unedited version of thriller a cruel picture in this respect but while those are very sleazy films this is a light-hearted comedy which makes the hardcore sex scenes especially jarring on the plus side however this is far better than any of the american porn parodies of the era it isn't too funny but at least it isn't painfully unfunny the only

recognizable actress here is Anna Bergman, the daughter of the famous Swedish director Ingmar, who otherwise mostly appeared in British sex comedies with Mary Millington and Susie Mandel. She actually has a hardcore scene here, but she uses a very obvious body double. But I'm forgetting something. Wait, I love the idea.

Sorry, quick note. I love the idea that Anna Bergman's manager or agent was like, fine, we'll have a body double, but it has to be someone with totally different hair color. It has to be very obvious. Someone that nobody will mistake for her actually being the actress. I bet. Yeah. But I'm forgetting something. Oh, yeah, the plot.

Well, it's some nonsense about a secret spy agency run by a guy named the Scorpion operating out of Health Food Store. An older female Mata Hari type sends her incredibly dim son in to intercept a delivery in order to take revenge on the Scorpion who killed the son's father years earlier, right after they had sex for the first and only time. Really the only interesting thing about this, besides it being the hardcore debut of the daughter of an internationally renowned film director, is that the opening sex scene between the Mata Hari and her lover might be the only hardcore porn sequence in history to lead to an actual conception.

Within the world of the movie, of course. Oh, man. Otherwise, though, this movie is not not entertaining but it's not too remarkable either end of review drama i know when i read that i was like six up that would be crazy oh my goodness in the film which actually kind of a funny point though and they named the baby anna oh no yeah that's wild but it's like why, this stuff was a whole, there were so many related films. It's so interesting. And I feel like when they said it's such a 70s thing to just insert hardcore porn into.

That's when that book, The Joy of Sex, came out, which was like, I remember Elsie had it. Our stepmom had a copy. And it was like, everybody had a copy of it. And I remember she was like, oh, yeah. A friend gave this this to me we all had a copy in the 80s or whatever and i'm like flipping through it and literally it was i mean for me as a child like very graphic and all these like sex positions and then it would always say like never shave your armpits oh gosh because like the pheromones and that's all part of it. And I'm like, this is the most 70s.

Like never shave any part of you. Like a very like kind of cliche hippie, like 70s, like freewheeling sex culture. It's interesting. It's almost like I can picture this film. Like I feel like I can picture this film. No, I bet you can. No, really though. It's like, it's like it's i'm sure i um

i did find it interesting that like so many people found it like very refreshing these films and like how open like sexually open they were and just very like in a very positive way like there was one that i saw that was a fairly recent film it was a german film and the person was just like i don't even i don't think i have reviews of it. But they were so, like, pleased because they were like, oh, like, it's just normal people. And it feels normal. And it feels good and positive. And it's not like, you know, any sort of gross situation. Like smarmy.

Yeah. No, it was just really just real, like they said they felt like, you know, these real relationships, like sincere moments. And yes, it was like hardcore sex that you're watching. But at the same time, it was very like, this is just normal. It wasn't like they had to invent this crazy story. Keeping Tom, just looking into someone's real life. How nice. Okay.

That's one way to look at it. Sorry I made it weird. It's meant to be like, it was just saying how open it was and how they felt positive and like kind of validated by it so well okay it's like just such an interesting so it wasn't all bad on my end like i got to read a lot about uh this stuff that i had no idea about it was really weirdly i love the idea of like retro or like uh different eras of porn. When I say the idea of it, I truly mean the idea of it. I don't need any

more information, but I think it's fascinating to think about. Everyone's always been doing this. The earliest pornos, I imagine, are so fascinating. I wonder what's the earliest porno? I have to Google that later. Yeah. Like I wonder what, what's the earliest porn? I have to Google that later. It's probably like.

An ankle? Probably really early. Yeah. Yeah. Like probably, cause you know, like when. It was under one of those blankets cameras.

No, same shit with like photography. You know, one of the first things done was taking nude photos. Like. Dick pics. Sex has always been like a part

of every single industry. There's like a quote from the good place which i love uh well the show and the quote but it's ted danson's character and i feel like it's probably been said a million times in different ways but he basically says like what is it about humans that the second any sort of new technology develops you immediately use it for sex like it. Like, it feels like obviously the most, like, even when we were reading reviews of Pompeii and it was like, there's like, come to this address for sex. Yeah, there's all the brothels. Oh, my God.

Immediately. All the graffiti from literal Pompeii. Yeah. And anyway, I feel like I could just go on and on. It's fascinating. It really is. If you wrote your dissertation on this, folks, hit me up. I want to know about it i'm so curious and and these like these so i read i'm reading a couple

like these danish films but then this review next review references like these bavarian films that exist like it's been a lord that like it's just these different markets having their own like porn because it was like but they were like like legitimate films with plot and with story and like an hour and a half long they just happen to have a lot of hardcore sex in them it's like really weird like really like nowadays when you think about that but like it's sort of but what i wonder is like who looks surprisingly common who is the market for this is it like someone who wants to watch an actual film or is it someone who's like i'm looking to get off or is it someone who's like probably both that's

the thing is it i imagine like i can't imagine somebody being like i'm gonna go see this film in theaters or whatever i guess they probably didn't play in theaters i don't know i don't know but like i mean sex like triple x theaters exist though yeah um yeah so yeah anyway anyway today something is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together and teaming up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters my next one this is of the film In the Sign of the Gemini another Danish one wow okay so these are both

Zodiac this is a series sorry this is the same director I was like what's going on with these Danes and there are more love that it goes from Scorpio to Gemini. Yep. Uh-huh. Here's the summary.

It's 1930, and two record producers are competing to sign a big contract with the leading singer of the day. One kidnaps the other, thinking it's in the bag, unaware that his competitor has a twin who will step in to save the day. Oh, twins. Oh, boy. The plot seems super campy, super silly. Oh, my God. So T-E-G-N is a word. No, it's not.

And I think that means the zodiac sign. So that's like- What do you mean that means the zodiac sign? In Danish or whatever. That's like the zodiac or sign. It means sign. So like the series, someone in this review calls it the Tegan, T-E-G-N films. Oh, I see.

That's the series. So here we go. One of the most enjoyable Tegans. There's really nothing like the Tegan films. Not even the Bavarian comedies. For one thing, they're hardcore. But mostly, they're alike. A whole lot of slapstick and some stunning and very talented actresses not afraid to show their

bodies and look like they're enjoying sex. Sia Lovgren is gorgeous here, even though Ola puts the song over better and the strip poker scene is ridiculous ava weinreich too in a quite different way and bae warburg does yet another alluring scene with her husband she always does right is this so funny how it's like this person just like seems like an expert and this is the dissertation yeah and the fact that it's like there's a couple in this film series is like amazing whoa it's kind of funny like hey that sounds great for them they found their person that like they both want to like be in these films together like cool i can get it honestly i think that's better i mean it's i don't know imagine having like

grandparents stay at school and being like my grandparents are coming in what do your grandparents do i don't want to talk about it. Yeah, understood. Ever heard of a Tegan film? And Louise Fribert is given ample room to display her ample charms and irrepressible overbite. Wait, hold on. I don't know. Sorry, I got such a fucking whiplash from that because you said her ample thing and then her ample. And I went, well, we all know what's coming. I know. Nope. It's very respectful,, we all know what's coming. I know. Nope.

It's very respectful, right? But then it's like. I told the overbite part. But then the overbite. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is throwing me in all sorts of directions. The overbite. Yeah.

Okay. She is also an incredible dancer. I believe Barbie Benton can be spotted easily since the camera zooms in on her. Shaving her legs alongside kate munt in the women's locker room there's plenty of nonsense too for example when hans jorgensen i think interrupts repeatedly with his inventions long playing vinyl records stereo and television etc and is summarily ejected from the office but a lot of fake mustaches and a beautifully restored Packard convertible. They don't make them like this anymore.

End of review. That was a 10 out of 10, by the way. They certainly don't make them like this anymore. Yeah, they certainly don't. All of the above. All of the above. That was something. Yeah.

Yeah. The names alone. I know. It was so weirdly so fun to read and like to see all these people being talked about. Like. Like classic Hans. You know. Like you know how Hans is.

He's always doing this. He's always pulling these kind of stunts. So true. Now I've got another one of Vince in the Sign of the Gemini. This is a 10 out of 10. Is this a good movie? Is this a good movie? Well, if the sound of hardcore Benny Hill style antics in Danish doesn't appeal to you,

you'd find this movie an hour and a half of wince and cringe. If, on the other hand, that tickles your fancy, then this will be the greatest thing your little eyes have ever beheld. Because that's exactly what's going on here. End of review. Oh my god. It's so bizarre to me. Your little eyes aren't ready for this. I love it that this exists.

You know, that this sub-genre of, like, sub-genre of film, sub-genre of porn, sub-genre of, like, of spy spoofs. Like, the fact that this is such a thing. It's so niche. And, like, the fact that people, this was a review I think was from 2022. Like people are still watching it. Like, is this on the Criterion collection? Like how does one find this?

What's that? Oh, that's like a, I don't, I, now I feel silly cause I don't totally know, but it's like, that's where you can find,

you can subscribe. And I think you can usually subscribe with your library card information. I could be mixing it up with something else, but basically it's a collection of like really classic films that um that might not be easy to find that aren't you're not going to find like on netflix or something like agent 69 rising yeah maybe uh but yeah no i think it's uh it's more like uh those older classic uh old hollywood films um ingmarmar Bergman also is on there. So not necessarily Hollywood, but yeah,

it says discover important classic and contemporary cinema from around the world. So it's just a bunch of like, I don't know, you can find current and former films. So just to clarify, we're not saying those films are on there. You're just, you kind of referenced it. No, yeah,

it was referencing that to say like, where the hell do you access these films? How are people still accessing these in 2022? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Like who is, who is preserving these basically? I'm just pleased someone is. No, I agree. I think so. I, I agree.

But also you really made this sound like it was going to be rough. No, but you know why? It's because it was such a rough, because I read so many rough things. And like, I don't want people to be disappointed that it wasn't like more graphic. I still have one more review. But like, it was bad. I don't. Like, no one needs to hear that.

Like, if you are disappointed, seriously, because I did this. I'm not kidding. And don't do it at work or on your work computer. Open an incognito, command shift N, and type reviews of porn and, like, tell me what happens. Because I did that and, like, immediately was like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Too far. Like, I didn't, I don't know what you would have to find any sort of middle ground. You would have had to like read the, the wild, not good stuff. You know, I found this niche and it was so, I was like, this is so

funny to me and just so specific, um, that I was like, this is fun. But, um, you should have just read conquered by Clippy reviews. No, yeah, no, I thought about that too. Like I, there were a lot of avenues I could have gone. And actually that is something that Megan suggested. Oh really?

Like Megan gave like four, I think. It didn't even occur to me until just now. No, yeah. I probably would have ended up doing that if we were, uh, but I wanted to try something different.

And like, I also thought, man, there was just some bad stuff. And I was like, this isn't bad. And this is kind of fun for stuff. And I was like, this isn't bad. And this is kind of fun for me. And I enjoy it.

And it'll be interesting to talk about. I wish I could just relay to people what the first and only thing. Because I was like, oh, porn reviews. And then, or reviews of porn. And then I clicked on a link. And I wish I could just relay to everyone what I saw. But I can't relay it to you what I saw, but it's, I can't relay it to you.

It's, I can't, it's too far, way too far. And I just want you to know, I did. It's just not right for this show. I did briefly try,

but it was not going to work for this show. Yeah. And like, I don't know. There's nothing that I saw that like bothered me or I felt like uncomfortable. It was just more like, I knew that bringing this here would make everyone uncomfortable. Not the right place.

And like, I don't want to do that. And like, when I was reading my notes, I was on this website and that other website that was like the IMDB for porn reviews. It was all very, like, not only was the text graphic, but yeah, it had pictures, it had videos, it had clips, it had everything. Is it called?

Is it called? You can just say it. IMpp international movie data pp yes that is it actually now that i say it aloud it sounds exactly like it is what what it was no but it was similar like not similar to that what oh i was like oh my god i was right it was like adult film database afdb it was something like something related but um no it was it was there were pictures and i was like i i don't know it was weird i i was like that's not what the show is it just felt weird so i thought these were ones, a good somewhat compromise. But you have another one, right?

I think I probably could have done better, but oh well. Here's the last one. Okay. This is a 1980 film titled Taboo. Oh boy. This one. That's dangerous because like at least age 69 or whatever, like you're like, oh, that's a porno.

Taboo feels like it could be. But I guess maybe it is like a film with okay no no this one this one good you saved the best for last yeah this this one is more leaning away from uh yeah excellent i think this was an american production um oh no it's basically i'll put that uh here we go here we go uh here's a summary um or here's a synopsis oh that's a long synopsis i'm not reading all that okay let's see imdb summary here's a short one oh no this is bad it's bad this one's bad it's called all this i'm like it's called taboo for a reason this from 1980 by the way. A female friend of a sexually frustrated mother tries broadening her horizons with a sex orgy. Though avoiding it, the new feelings inside her cause her to force herself on her sleeping son.

To her amazement, the seduction is mutual. That's why it's called taboo. That is, and you gasp at that, you know for me at this point when i got to this i was fairly you're like this is nothing this was i was numb after reading those other things the zoloft was just kicking in and like after reading the word gaping so many times oh This is easy. So here's a review. Here we go. Well, I already hate this. Okay.

Here we go. A real classic of its kind. Deservedly regarded as one of the best movies of porn's golden age, Taboo excels in every department. The stunning Kay Parker's unforgettable as the frustrated and finally incestuous mother, Barbara Scott. Finally!

Bringing an integrity to her role that is rare in this genre. Thoroughly sensual, but never remotely sleazy, she became on the strength of this portrayal, the most renowned British-born porn actress, except ironically in her native country, where censorship prevented it from being widely shown. Curdie Stevens, the director, clearly went to considerable pains with every aspect of the film and its successors, and brings maximum intensity to the sex scenes.

Not the least the two between Barbara's son, Mike Ranger, and girlfriend Dorothy LeMay, one in which they're joined by her friend, Tawny Pearl. Stephen's skills are matched by those of his partner, Helene Terry, whose excellent script includes some really funny dialogue, whose excellent script includes some really funny dialogue, mainly for Barbara's wacky and outrageous confidant, Gina, who eats, breathes, and sleeps sex. Played with great aplomb by the wonderful Juliet Anderson, she provides an amusing and erotic counterpoint to the main story.

End of review. I just like... It's fascinating. Yeah. it's fascinating yeah it's fascinating it's fascinating i just like like to clear i mean we all know this but just to clarify like you know there's no mutual that okay never mind we know we know like we know okay i don't need to make like a no no no i don't need to make a what do you call it caveat or what a psa no you don't i don't you don't why do i feel the need to don't know i i love how i was talking so how openly oh how great some of these people's reviews were and then i end on fucking taboo one what the hell it was bad yeah and finally she's incestuous we've been waiting the integrity with which she i needed to bring i needed to bring some of the

ridiculousness into this because i felt it was too tame and even that was tame by some standard by the standards you probably ended up witnessing i christina i i didn't know what to do i was i was panicked i was reading these reviews the first and i was like i don't know i don't know what to do. I was panicked. I was reading these reviews, the first review, and I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I can't do this. I can't do this. So I just like, and that's part of why I texted you immediately. Like, you don't have to do this.

Because I was like, I do not want you to have to do this. I didn't know what to do. Like I said, four seconds and I was out. I think if we were a little more creative. I'm sure we would have found a way. We could revisit it in a better way. We probably would have read like erotica reviews or something. that exactly like and we could probably do that but like when you hear like porn reviews it sounds like oh well like like literal reviews of like porn hub or like you know

and it's hard to find that without having to um really immerse yourself yeah and it which which is not necessarily a bad thing but in the context of this show, it's just... No. Wait, no thanks. In the context of us working. Yeah. I was like, this feels weird. It felt weird.

Yeah. I'm glad you listened to your gut, you know? Yeah. But I loved all my new knowledge about the Danish slapstick porn parodies of the 70s. Thank you for sharing that. I miss talking about corn dogs but you know we had to get here and we did it we could have forced some corn dogs no corn dogs you really you know it was fine and fun until okay until now thank you zany you did a very good job

uh i don't think i would have known what to do so thank you yeah um i still don't know what i did i just i got through it it could have been worse. Yeah. Anyway. The Beach Tooth Sandy promise. Yeah. It could have been worse. It could have been worse. That's your guarantee.

That's your guarantee. We're recording this before any of our live shows. Wow. By the time this comes out, I think four of them will be done. Are you serious? I think this comes out either beginning July or. Oh my God. No, no.

End of June, I think. Well, I like have to pee really bad and you're making. Okay, let's go do that. Well, you're making me want to pee my pants because I'm so scared. Of what? Of our shows. Oh yeah. No, our first one is in less than a week or so.

Fuck me. Okay. I got to go because I got to go because. Okay, bye. I have to leave tomorrow for travel and then I have to come back and then I have to leave the next day. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I haven't done.

Okay, it's fine. You guys, the show's going to be great. I can't to leave the next day. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I haven't done it. Okay, it's fine. You guys, the show's going to be great. I can't wait. Can't wait. It's going to be so fun. It will. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production.

Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey,

and Brett Boehm.