Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 241: Reviews of Whole Foods

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime

experiences for our guests and of course they'll have to meet my standards and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April the 1st, streaming on Disney+. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. And hello, welcome to Beach 2 Sandy Water Tourette. This is a podcast where we read the worst reviews and most derogatory facts.

My name is Sandy. I'm the next teen. Going into this commercial break. I can't swim. Some oldies. Some oldies? Some oldies but some goodies. Only the best.

It's a gas leak in my home today. Hi everyone. That would explain a lot, actually. That's why I said it, dummies. Wow. No, it just hit me. Okay. The gas leak?

The gas hit me. Yeah. My tummy's rumbling. You're right. Stay over there. Yeah. We're doing Whole Foods. The peak comedy today.

How do you say Whole Foods? I say Whole Foods. How do you say it? Whole Foods. Whole Foods? No, no, no. Some people say Whole Foods. say whole foods how do you say it whole food no no some people say whole foods ew why i've heard it what's wrong with those people that's like when i say t i say what do i say weird not much i say most things very normal wink i was like you were looking at me like i don't understand if you're trying to brag or what. No, I say, I think it's TV.

Don't I say that weird? Oh, turn on the TV. Turn on the TV? Yeah, I say TV. That is weird. But I did it like, ironically, it wasn't ironic. That's not the right word. I did it kind of as a joke and then it stuck and I can't unsay it.

It's like how I say mac and cheese instead of mac and cheese. Stop. I hate this. I don't want to go through these. But I also say whole foods, which is like- Like normal. Whole foods. Yeah, but I feel like it's like mac and cheese, whole foods, TV.

Just because it's at the start? Yeah. I think that just certain things- I put the emphasis on the right syllable. Okay. I regret all of this. I regret asking. Yeah, but before we start, because I'm sorry.

That's not how I say it. I say whole food. Whole food. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't. I have an announcement. I've never talked about this, I don't think, that I'm pursuing acting.

It's weird to talk about. I'm still shy about it. You didn't even move your hand when you said it. Why would I move my hand? Acting. Ow. No, no, no. That's not how I act out my scenes.

Let me declare some space. Let me move these trash cans. You have a stack of four trash cans sitting. What is happening? Earlier, Alex Zinner counted four boxes of tissues in this room, and I was like, that can't be right. He's like, one, two, three, four. I had to point all of them out. And then I was like.

It's a good thing, though. I said it as a positive. But guess how many trash cans I have. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Things that I don't have enough of. Tissue boxes and trash cans in my life. I mean. I got you, though, so.

I think it's. That's a big one. That is right. And I'm the most special part of your life. The biggest trash can, yep. Oh, oh, oh. That was the joke. I didn't get it.

Yeah, I could tell. So this trash can. Yeah. Is that how you say it? Trash can. Trash can. So I purchased these. And on the side, it says, this is a set.

Do not separate. And my first thought was, oh, bummer. I wanted to put them in different rooms. Before you resell them like i don't know i just was like it says i'm not allowed to separate them who makes those i don't understand those rules those signs yeah i don't know like they're like don't separate you can't sell these individually but like you can't enforce that you can't take this kind of stuff seriously it also says this bag is not a toy. And I'm like, says who? Says who? Says who?

Someone with not a big enough imagination. I was going to say, how much fun are you having, Zero? Yeah. OK. Not an actor, speaking of which. Oh, right. Should we get back to your thing? I guess.

Yeah, no. I am acting now. It's weird to say, because I'm shy about about it because I don't talk about it publicly yet until this moment. You need to adopt your new acting persona when you talk about it and embody. I will not do that. I will be myself except when I'm acting. I will be myself except every time I'm doing the thing that I'm talking about.

The point of all this was to say I was fortunate enough to be cast as- In The Bachelorette. No. I thought so. What? I don't know. 40 Day Fiance. The season that's happening right now.

40 Day Fiance. I'm actually in it. 90 days? How many days? 90 days. Yeah. Yeah. That too.

Did I not tell everyone that Dee's Canadian? Is it really dying to get into this country? You're just really shy about it. Yeah. Yeah. That too. Did I not tell everyone that Dee's Canadian? Is it really dying to get into this country? You're just really shy about it. Yeah. Anyway, I'm acting now. It's a thing I'm pursuing. I'm enjoying it. The point is here, I was given a chance by the crew doing a student film.

And they cast me in one of their films. And it was such a blast. And we just went so well. And we all had so much their films and it was such a blast and we just went so well and we all had so so much fun and they did such a great job and they invited me to be in their next film without even an audition yeah they were like they had this role and they sent me this yeah they sent me the script and it was absolutely hilarious and it was exactly like up my alley it was waiter in background a no i'm kidding i'm kidding no it's literally about a an exorcist who is a real exorcist and there's a um there's uh the other

main role is like a fake exorcist like a guy who's like a a swindler um and i'm playing a real exorcist i'm so amped about it no No, the script is absolutely hilarious. It was so much fun. He gets to play an exorcist. Like, this is perfect. Yeah, and I'm just, like, honored that they wanted me in it. And I'm just, like, it's going to be so much fun.

We haven't filmed it yet. But, yeah, and I wanted to shout them out because they didn't ask me to do this, but I wanted to be able to use my platform a little bit. And they're crowdfunding right now. And they have different tiers. And, like, you can even be an executive producer if you give enough money and stuff like

uh and it's a it's a yeah a great great people i love them all so i'm like really excited to work with them again and um there's a gofundme and i'm gonna link it in the description and that's it so yeah if you have any you know i didn't to help out their project, I'll link it below. Yeah. So it's just really exciting. All right. Link it to me, too. Will do.

I'll donate anonymously so I'm not. We were talking about this earlier. I was like, well, if I donate, I don't want to have them be like, who's the same last name as you as an executive producer? Yeah, the lead sister is executive producer. So I'm going to put Leona's name, but then I was like, maybe I should read the script before I put my toddler's name as an executive producer on this film. But it would get her an IMDb, right? I guess so.

I have one now, an IMDb. You do too. But we have one for Beach Hussaini. It's kind of fun. But yeah, and it's just so fun. I don't know. I'm excited to pursue this so also any actors out there were like oh yeah trying to do their thing actors like

let's chat or something because i don't know i'm new to all this and i'm still learning and i'm meeting some people in the cincinnati scene and it's been lots of fun so exciting exciting times that's the end of my spiel uh check out that link. Thanks, y'all, for your support or not support. Even if you're just quietly not supporting me, that's much better than loudly not supporting me. So I appreciate those people, too. All righty. What are those people doing?

Booing really loudly? Yeah, all the time. I can't go outside without booze raining down from the heavens. That might be my mental health. I was pouring my extra box wine out because it went bad. Whole Foods? Then it landed

on my head. You said there was booze falling down from the sky. Oh, booze! God damn, I'm slow. Okay. Man! I wouldn't make a good actor. Oh, shit. wouldn't make a good actor oh shit you would make a good actor what a mactor did you or did you not live in los angeles i did model slash actor i yeah i'm i'm i don't think i'm a mactor okay unless it's for like i don't know tractors or something what i don't know i feel like i'd be a good tractor model seriously no not at all I don't know, tractors or something. What? I don't know. I feel like I'd be a good tractor model.

Seriously? No, not at all. I don't know why I said that. I'm like, in what universe? I just felt like that's such a random niche thing. You wear Lululemon pants. Like, in what world would you be a fucking tractor model? I also wear blue jeans, but that's not my personality.

You also wear blue jeans. I guess that gets you the job. It's true. I do. I wear blue jeans. I guess that gets you the job. It's true. I do. I wear blue jeans. Wrangler? American denim. Wrangler?

No. Should we read these? We've been talking for eight and a half minutes. They're Gucci. Blue jeans. They're Gucci blue jeans. They're Blue Ivy jeans. It's the new brand from Blue ivy okay whole foods market i've got a

review do you want me to read it i'm so sorry i derailed us so much today i was talking about my trash cans for like 10 minutes i know but that was big i think i feel like i started that okay you did you're right i have a whole foods review of uh whole foods on East 57th Street in New York, New York. This is a one-star review. Here we go. Rude fishmonger sabotaged my meal. About 3 p.m. today, I was at Whole Foods on 57th Street off 2nd Ave and wanted to get two pounds of salmon. I made eye contact with the fish man behind the counter.

To be fair, fish don't blink, so he was making eye contact with everybody. That sounds so scary. The fish man behind the counter. A new film starring Zandy Schieffer. I'd do it. I'm not above any role. I'm going to write it.

Let's do it. And said I wanted two pounds of salmon. Another sales associate thought I was talking to her, and I told her that I thought I was already being helped by this fish man. Then I turned to the fish man and said, Are you helping me, sir? For some reason, being asked twice made the fish man really angry. Oh! And he said curtly

that he needed to put some fish away before he could help me. Then, he grabbed a fillet of salmon, weighed it, wrapped it up, and practically threw the package at me. I should have thrown it right back at him! But instead, I just said thank you

as genuinely as I could. He ignored me and didn't reply. When I got home, I found he had given me a salmon filet that hadn't been cleaned. I had to descale two pounds of salmon by hand myself. Normally, a salmon filet comes descaled. He never gave me a chance to pick my fish and didn't warn me that he was giving me a filet with scales. In most New York City supermarkets, you get treated like trash.

Whole Foods was different at first, but I guess no longer. End of review. Fishman. Fishman. Strikes again. That's so fucking weird. Strikes again. Like the first time they said fishman, I was like, ha ha.

And then by the end, I was like, well, is this really a fishman? No, look, it literally, it's like the woman's like, i help you and she's like oh i'm being helped and she turns excuse me sir and it's like a dead fish with it's like you know on the like a dead fish she's like i'm sorry i'm being helped and the woman's probably like okay i'm gonna back away slowly and just let you heavier so it turns out that fish at home was the fish man. That's the big twist. Xander, why would you spoil it? You haven't even auditioned yet. Wait, it was spoiled?

It didn't say that in the review. I mean, it was covered in scales. It sounds pretty fucking spoiled to me. That's how it works. You know what I mean? Totally. If it has scales, I'm not eating it. I mean.

That's my, that's my, that's one of my many food rules it's just one of just one of many it's not really about whether it has scales or not it's not um listen talk to me i have another one about a fishmonger i'm trying to i'm dead serious i'm trying to find it there's something so weirdly funny to me about the whole fishmonger i i found this review late and i put at the top because i was just like something so weirdly funny about fishmonger fish man like it really really got to me in a good way it feels like it's 1825 but it also feels like you're in a whole food so it's very there's something there's like a um cognitive dissonance there where you're like a fishmonger in manhattan like it's very confusing the whole thing is interesting which

i'm sure there are fishmongers in manhattan i just uh heard a story about a whale that got washed up in new york really where i don't know i don't know about you know how i am about the bridges and all that like new in the city and uh a bunch of people got to be fair they have a lot of bridges and like helped like will the whale back into the with their brains the way you did that was like like you got this whale and they shouted yes they tried to tell him where the water was was this an episode of Captain Planet or something? Like, this is not real. It should be.

Yeah, it really probably was. I was just too high to realize. I was like, I'm watching Nova. You're like crying. You're like, this beautiful whale. And I'm like, it's pink. That's not, you're not watching what you think you're watching. No.

It was a story I heard in a book that I read about spirituality and creating the universe in your own head, you know? So, but the whale thing was real, I think. If anyone knows, let me know. Okay. Let her know. Leave me out of this. It's about asking the other side for signs okay about

whales okay here's my review this is what i found of the whole foods market or is it marketplace nobody knows in it's market i think i know oh in like their official logo says whole foods market so well the yelp says Whole Foods dot dot dot. It's Market. Okay. This is the Whole Foods Market in Pasadena, California. And it's a multi-tiered review as in it's been updated a few times. Got it.

We love those. I think the funniest thing that's ever happened to me was something I did. This is the review or is this you? Okay. Was something i did this is the reviewers is you okay was something you did the funniest thing ever where were we recently where i read a multi-part review on stage yeah at the show and i think oh christina that was uh i know exactly kansas city um yes that because that was that yellow cab the yellow cab oh? Yes. Because that was like Yellow Cab. The Yellow Cab. Oh, my God. I think that was genuinely like my favorite review I've ever found.

You said that before you read the review. Yeah. Like you hyped it up and it did not disappoint. It didn't disappoint. Okay, good. Because then. That was insane. I think the funny.

And I'm not saying I did the funniest thing. But the funny thing to me was when I was like. I said like there's another update or something like the fifth time. Yeah. And the whole place was like. We were losing our minds. Like myself, I was right there with the audience.

I will never ride Yellow Cab again. It was like the worst review. Four months later. The most tragic things happened. It was like so, like no one would ever use this service again. And this person kept using it and then added more terrible stuff on top.

And you're like, there's no way they're still using it. They can't go back. And they did it again. And it happened so many times that by the end, you're like, what is reality? It was hilarious. Yes. It was like a years long saga. It was.

Anyway, so I'm like, I have a soft spot for these updated reviews. So this is, it starts over 12 years ago. Jesus. According to Yelp. And it starts as a three star review. So it, let's just say it never gets better. Okay. If that's any help at all. So here we go. This

is the best of the Pasadena Close Whole Foods compared to Hastings Ranch, Pasadena, and Glendale. Those two suck a lot. The good, amazingly great selection of vitamins. Amazingly great selection of tea. The bad, unbelievably long checkout lines during after work hours. No excuse, tons of cash registers, it's just the man skimping on labor costs. Two stories. I just never bother to go upstairs. Parking. Not horrible, but not easy either. The sometimes good and sometimes bad. Prepared food from the fishmonger,

specifically the fish and chips. When these guys rock, no one comes close. When they have an off night, I end up with no meal and I'm at the manager's station getting a refund. It's about 50-50 odds. You'll need to decide if you feel lucky. Oh, and watch for the daily specials at this expensive crib posted in the elevators. They clearly offer some loss leaders. I don't know what that means. A loss leader. Like it's not selling so they're going to try and discount it? I believe a loss leader is a product that they sell at a loss. Oh, they're losing money.

But just to get people in the doors. Got it. I think that's true for rotisserie chickens at Costco. Oh, I heard that. They don't make any money off of it. I've heard that, yeah. But they make money off other stuff, and generally people don't go in just for a rotisserie chicken.

So they're like, that's fine. Unless you're a dad on TikTok. Someone's going to correct me, but I did take a single business class when I was an international business major first semester. I'm not going to question you because you... I took more than one. I just only finished one, I think.

Good for you. Thank you. I finished zero because I took zero. So I'm 0 for zero. Okay, this is the last line of the first review. Oh, and would you please get me some fish oil capsules the next time you go to the store? Thanks. The food with a fishmonger?

I don't know. End of review. And then this one's over 10 years ago. So there's two years lapse. Okay. Okay, folks. Time for an update. Oh, by the way, it's still three stars.

I just feel like if you're not changing the star rating, why do you need to make a new review? I don't know. You know what I mean? I can't imagine there's enough info that you get on this second trip that is worthy of an update. That's two years later. Well, you decide if this is a worthy update, okay?

Note, this update is strictly about fish and chips at the seafood bar. It varies wildly between a one and a five, thus the three-star rating. Aside from vitamins, I really only go to WF for one reason, the fish and chips at the seafood bar. They're reasonably priced, $7.99, and you can swap the fries for sauteed veggies. They're reasonably priced, $7.99, and you can swap the fries for sauteed veggies. The problem? An utter, complete, total lack of consistency in the product and service. When it's good, it's awesome. When it's bad? Dot, dot, dot. Seemingly, each fish guy individually determines how much fish will be included, the quality of the cooking of said fish, if veggies can be substituted,

and if a charge will be added for substituting veggies it's like playing roulette for your dinner pro tip i can't help you much the guy who sounds canadian is the best if you get burnt fish or a tiny portion run to the manager's station and get your money back oh my god can you imagine the manager every time it's like oh no oh no oh no here she comes i feel like this is... Clearly, this person has such, I don't know, such specific expectations. Yeah. If they really think it's a 50-50 every time, there's no way. It's like that.

I feel like if I were the manager, I'd be like, which fishmonger is working tonight? Because I need to make sure they are one of our top fishmongers because I'm not dealing with these refunds. No, I would get this lady's number or whoever this person is, get this person's number and be like, hey, why don't you text me when you plan to come in for fish and chips and I'll make sure the person you like is working. That seems like a lot of work. This person, it seems like a lot of work.

And now they have your phone number also. That's true. Which I don't love. Okay, I love that the pro tip is I can't help you much, but the guy who sounds Canadian is pretty good. Oh, yeah. Okay. And now this is another update we've gotten.

So this is only a few months later, and we're at one star now. April 18th, 2013. Evening. Interior. No, I'm just kidding. Interior. Fish and mongrel.

Okay, I'm ready for my scene. Ready for your big break. Wow. Update time. And I'm hitting the nuclear one star button. Note. Update time. And I'm hitting the nuclear one star button. Note, this update is strictly about fish and chips. That's in little asterisks. At the seafood bar.

I could have guessed. I've given the seafood bar, with its quirky personnel and haphazard quality, a generous three stars previously. The three stars have been based on the fish, which is fresh and delicious. At this point, however, not even the fish can overcome the idiocy of too many of the seafood staff. I think you mean the fish men, but okay. For the record, and Yelp is the record, a couple of the seafood crew members are excellent. They know who they are. Shout out to the Canadian guy. first of all like you don't even know the guy's name and you're keeping like the canadian guy you know who you are

and i don't think they're looking for maybe they are but i don't think they're looking through the reviews of this whole foods to see who's mentioning the canadian yeah he's like see i knew it because he might not even be canadian that's what i'm saying like you don't even know that she's like he knows who he is. I'm like, you don't know who he is. So why are you acting like he does? As for the remainder of this ragtag bunch, it's time to put them on complete and total blast.

The two guys I encountered tonight were so rude, I wonder if they have emotional issues and thus cannot control their thoughts or speech. I highly suggest that management retrain or preferably relocate these people to non-public jobs. Relocation would save their health because if they continue to be so rude,

a grown-ass man is going to pull them across the counter and into that fish ice one day soon. Wink. It doesn't say wink, but... Who thinks that way? As for me, I'm not a man, grown or otherwise. I don't have the upper body strength to go rogue on them,

but I wanted to. The big payback? I'm done, Whole Foods. Except for vitamins. You lost a customer who gave you way too many chances to get it together. Okay. Thank God for them.

They're pleased to hear this. And, uh... You're talking about how you would physically hurt these people. Okay. Thank God for them. They're pleased to hear this. You're talking about how you would physically hurt these people if you could. I wanted to, she said. Good thing they can. So basically, oh, updated 25 days ago. I'm not even going to read this one. Still a one. Another.

So after saying you've lost a customer for good, they left another update. That's why I love these. People are so wild. Because they never, they always go back. They all bark no bite. That's right. Pull them into that fish ice already. Just do it.

Don't keep coming back. Well, the next one is a review of the local police stations. No, no. Five stars. So basically just said the updated one star was basically about being at the fish counter and being met with the sneer when asking a simple question which i'm like i'm sure it was a they're probably sick of you by this point they know you the sun has set on this store and i won't be back

that was 25 days ago so i'll check again in a couple weeks why Why so dramatic? This is a Whole Foods in Pasadena. Yes, and it's 13 years of fucking experiences at the fish counter. I forgot about that. That's insane. And it's still about the fish counter. It was 12 years ago it was about the fish counter? This person should be buying them Christmas cards

at this point. They're such a... What? I was going to say... They're just shitting on them. They're single-handedly funding the entire fish and chips market. Like, I don't know. Oh, my God.

Anyway, I just like when you said fishmonger, I was like, I got to find my fishmonger. Oh, yeah. That is a wild one. Review because I have one. Okay. All righty. My next one is of a Whole Foods on Alton Road in Miami Beach, Florida. This is a one-star review.

And this sums up a lot of feelings about Whole Foods that people have. Here we go. Oh, boy. Terrible. Just terrible. Jeff Bezos purposely ruined Whole Foods to push his Amazon and grocery delivery service. Shopping at Whole Foods used to be a pleasant experience where you could get the best produce from suppliers you trusted. Whole Foods is now, legit, one of the seven layers of Satan's home.

I find this to be the case in the majority of locations I've frequented, but this location especially. Much of the produce is rotten, non-organic, or non-existent. Just like Satan likes it. Yeah, exactly. Their selection of other goods is lackluster, with prices that exceed a far superior quality farmer's market. The store is always packed for some reason. A good half of the shoppers are Amazon Prime shoppers who care less about you and more about getting their deliveries finished quickly so that Jeff Bezos can squeeze out every penny he can into his $90 billion fortune. Jeff Bezos and Whole Foods executive team, I despise y'all and everything y'all have done to ruin one of the best up-and-coming grocery chain stores the nation would have ever seen. Anyone, even you, can be replaced.

America doesn't need you, and in fact it's tired of you and your greedy antics. End of review. You know, the mood, kinda. I don't hate it. It is a mood. I just don't have the energy for it, you know, today at least. Man. I mean, to participate, you know what I mean?

I'm like, I get it. Yeah, it sucks. And like, it is frustrating, and like, is frustrating and like I read a bunch of reviews similar and I have had these same experiences where you go and they're like are you a Prime member and I'm like yeah and they're like well you need to open the app and like you can't just

like give your you have to like scan an app it's like a whole thing I haven't been in many years so I don't really know how it is it's very annoying and like they've kind of turned apparently the parking lots are all like Tesla charging or like hybrid, I don't know, electric car charging. So I'm sure there's something there.

And then the whole front is like the Amazon lockers where you pick shit up. So I think it's like, remember how we'd go to Whole Foods and like- It's become an Amazon hub. Yeah. Yeah. And we'd go get the big slices of pizza and like just sit in. So that whole like dining. Did you say we go to Amazon?

But you, Whole Foods? Back in the day, you'd go to Amazon HQ. We'd go to the Amazon Rainforest. Pizza pie with Jeff. We called it Amazon, but it was actually. The Rainforest Cafe. It was the Rainforest Cafe. We thought it was the Amazon.

We thought it was the. We were a little. No, but yeah, I remember there was one that opened up when I was at GW my freshman year in like 2011 or something. And yeah, I'd get, I'd eat there all the time. Their food's really good. I mean, it was. I don't know.

I don't go there anymore. But reading reviews now, I was like, oh, wow, is it really that bad? Granted, I mostly just read the one star reviews. I know. But yeah, I used to get pizza all the time those pizzas were so good different burgers whatever they had so many different like customization hot bars and stuff i really fun i always liked it but it was really like love grocery stores i hate them now so expensive though sprouts now that's where it's at i do like sprouts a lot and again do i know who owns sprouts no idea someone right i mean think about kroger

like yeah i'll go to kroger but like kroger's the fucking largest chain in the fucking country and is not great like many of its corporate practices aren't good that's why you'll keep catch me at ralph's cause because that's totally unrelated mr ralph is low-key not Not owned by Kroger. He's just Ralph. Yep. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment.

That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis. right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. So this is a one-star review. It was sent in by Maddie Sheheran. It's a Whole Foods in Austin, Texas. This is a one-star by Hannah.

I just purchased two different bulk spices in very small quantities. One of the spices wasn't heavy enough to register on the scale, so the clerk started adding rubber bands to the scale until it registered enough weight for her to charge me 36 cents. The spice was $24.99 per pound, so that means I also paid $24.99 per pound for rubber bands. And the store clerk kept the rubber bands. End of review.

Okay, that's hilarious. They're like, let me just press down on the scale real quick to charge you. I love how they didn't just let them keep the rubber bands. Come on. I guess, like, I don't know what I'd do as either situation. At 30 cents. As a customer or a person checking them out.

Yeah, just 30 cents. I don't know. I don't know. It's like. I don't know. I guess I would just be like, fine, I'll pay 30 cents. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. It's like, I guess I would just be like, fine, I'll pay 30 cents. Yeah, exactly. I don't know.

It is definitely, I can see why that would be an annoyance. That's honestly so funny. When it rings up a zero and they're like, here, let me charge you for something you didn't buy. Yeah. What? That's so funny. They should have a minimum price, right? Yeah, you'd think.

There'd be something where you could key it in. I don't know how this shit works. It's probably 39 cents or whatever. It's probably whatever it is. They probably just charge it without the rubber bands and nobody would even be worried. Nobody would bat an eye. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

I love that. Good to know rubber bands are $24.99 a pound. That's such a harmless, funny review. I love that shit. Okay. My next one is of Whole Foods in Raleigh, North Carolina, on Waite Avenue. This is not recommended, so let me find it. This is by Nancy.

One star. Customer service is not up to par. I've never been there before, and I needed assistance on getting options for a cake. I called the bakery, and a guy by the name of Chaz answered the phone. I asked him what types of cakes they offered. His reply was, what were you looking for? I don't have time to go over all of them with you. I couldn't believe it!

It just so happens that I was planning an event for Wall Street. I will be sure to tell them all about them. Tell Chaz. Oh my God. When Chaz finds out that he just ruined a Wall Street party, he is never going to live that one down. He and his friends are going to be so embarrassed. I know.

Chaz is long gone. This was 10 years ago, this review. So I heard Chaz. I love how it's like not recommended. Like I wonder what it did well at the end they say uh i will also be contacting whole foods headquarters in texas end of review so i wonder like i don't know like why is that i don't understand why certain reviews are in the not recommended really there's no like rhyme or reason yeah i will say i chas used those 10 years

ago um do you think that's the same chas who's now working on wall street i don't know but apparently i feel like we have the power to take him down with this review it might have already happened this was 10 years ago no what i'm saying is now that he works on wall now that he works on wall street this is hidden yeah we got to bring this to the forefront and really take him down yeah yeah, yeah. How can he be? He's like a wolf on Wall Street. A wolf on Wall Street? Mm-hmm. So anyway, I was going to say wolf in sheep's clothing,

but then I was like, oh, Wall Street. That's, never mind. Yeah, I do have a kind of fun fact, because I was curious. So I Googled Wall Street, Raleigh, North Carolina, and there was a a the black wall street was located in raleigh north carolina and it was a hub of african-american businesses and financial services was that it was in durham north carolina but like it was so it's like interesting i mean there's a

lot of banking in north carolina and that kind of too. That no longer exists. Because of the cake situation? Because of what happened. Everything broke down after that cake fiasco. Yeah. Basically. I mean, it is rude to say I don't have time to go over this with you. I guess, but like they have so many fucking cakes.

Like I used to get cake from Whole Foods. Their Chantilly cake. For events? I don't know. For all your big Wall Street parties. When we lived in LA. For my Wall Street things.

But yeah, they had so many cakes. Okay. They probably still do. I believe you. Come on. This is from Elta. She, her. Of course.

Not of course about she, her. Of course about Elta, she, her, of course. Not of course about she, her, of course about Elta. Of course. Well, of course, because we do say Elta, she, her, like every episode by this point. I'm going to say it later, so. Great. Okay, so this is a one-star review of A Whole Foods, and I feel like the picture probably needs to be sent to you just to like, I mean you'll get it but it's still okay i don't know the picture packs a punch um me here you go so i'm gonna send it as soon as i read the review okay

every single day i drive home there is a car attempting to turn at this sign this confusing sign i just sent it to you it points to nothing this sign needs to be taken down the arrows often invite cars into the store but this does not indicate a driveway please take down and replace with a sign that only says whole foods so confusing basically a lit up sign i like with big arrows i don't disagree i don't disagree that's hilarious i see that sign i'm like yeah it must be a drive driveway like to park or something if somebody tried to follow that without like any logical thought they would drive straight through the glass panes into the building probably hit some pedestrians along the way yeah so just to give you guys an idea of what this looks like

but it's a big green whole food sign lit up at nighttime and it's just this big white arrow towards the building so um it is a little misleading oh jeff come on oh jeff tesla's can't go in there tesla maybe like maybe i don't. I don't know. Can they do that? I don't know what. I don't really know what Teslas can do. Oh, I do. They can apparently. Em told me this. And Em was all excited.

And I was like, am I supposed to now want to buy a Tesla because it's not working? Don't do it. Trust me, I won't. Thank you. But Em was like, yeah, there's this thing where you can press a button and it pretends to be that you're tracking Santa's sleigh. I'm like, that? Like all year round? No, I think it's just, I don't know, maybe.

No, probably not. At Christmas time, you can hit so that the tablet thing at the front shows Santa's path and and like you follow him i can also just call norad and be like what's up where's santa what's that that's like the radar folks in the u.s that they track santa every year oh yeah well apparently tesla does it for you with a nice visual i don't need that i got norad and m was like i was, but wouldn't you love to take your kid and be like, look, let's. And I'm like, no, I would really not like to do that. No. Genuinely wouldn't like to do that.

Hey, let's have a fun time sitting in the Tesla. Child. This is how we have quality time together. No, I'm just being an ass. No, I was like, Em, I get it. It's not my thing. It's not my jam. And Em does not own a Tesla, guys, so don't worry.

Don't worry. Don't worry. Imagine, though. What a life. M is just like chasing Santa by themselves. No kids, just looking for Santa. Driving around Pasadena on the way to Whole Foods. Driving directly into the side of the building.

It said Santa was here. Why am I roasting him? I don't know. I feel like I need to stay out of this. Don't tell them I said this, everybody. Because I think they were actually very sad when I said I wasn't interested. Oh, no. I feel bad.

That's why I still think about it. Because I'm like, man, I really did not give them the reaction they were hoping for. I just fucking fucked up. Because they were so excited about the Santa thing. And I'm like, man, I really did not give them the reaction they were hoping for. I just. Because they were like so excited about the Santa thing. And I was like, OK. And like I was probably really rude about it. I wasn't trying to. I didn't realize how excited they were.

And I'm like, you're Jewish. No, but Evdez celebrated Christmas probably more than any Christians I've ever met. So that's besides the point. Anyway, let's not talk about M anymore. Okay. I feel like I'm going to get in trouble. I have another review of that same Whole Foods in Raleigh. Yep.

Here's a two-star review. And I got to say, a lot of these reviews I found, like you found one as well, were really old. Like a lot of like older reviews. Oh, okay. This was from 10 years, over 10 years ago as well. Your challenge for next week is- So maybe I'll just bring a bunch of- Old ass reviews. This was from over 10 years ago as well. Your challenge for next week is old ass

reviews, so I guess now you know where to look. I think I'll find other ones. Here we go. Two stars. This is by Colin. What a freak show. This place is packed with just about every kind of played out stereotype you could imagine. Burnt out hippies, yupped out yippies,

bobo wannabes, health food trenders, paranoid OCD nutritionists, yoga moms, vegans, goths, vampires, and just about everything in between

that particular spectrum. How cool is that though? That spectrum? A vegan goth vampire? Come on. That is, that Venn diagram is a circle. That's pretty fucking cool.

It's a circle. Vegan goths. That is that Venn diagram. That's pretty fucking cool. It's a circle. Vegan. It sounds pretty great to me. I'm obsessed. And that wouldn't be a problem if the place just wasn't so congested with these zonked out characters. Everything is really expensive. I prefer fresh market. It's just less obnoxious.

Things are a little more affordable. End of review. Jeez. Which is all you needed to say. I know fresh market. It's just less obnoxious. Things are a little more affordable. End of review. Jeez, imagine. Which is all you needed to say. I know, exactly. It was that last bit, you know? Imagine walking around and just feeling such. Animosity towards like people just being themselves.

Yeah. And like also making probably many assumptions about them. Yeah, weird. Yeah. It is quite strange. Like, and also I know they said the spectrum, but like that's a really wide array of people already. It is quite strange. And also, I know they said the spectrum, but that's a really wide array of people already. It is.

Like yoga moms to goths to vampires, which aren't even human, to vegans. To Bobo wannabes. Oh my God, I forgot about the Bobo wannabes. Is that a clown thing? I don't know. Is that like that bumper sticker? Honk if you're Bobo the clown, because also I am that. That's totally what that bumper sticker? Honk if you're Bobo the Clown, because also I am that. That's totally what that bumper sticker says, yes.

I think so. Follow me to Whole Foods, it says. Beep, beep. Okay. This is from Gabby Sheher, and it is of a Whole Foods in Austin, Texas. It's a four-star review by local guide, Jen. And this kind of starts a pattern that Gabby, of Gabby's reviews. See if you catch on. Four stars.

A wondrously fecund garden for the aggregation of sundry ward. What the fuck does any of that mean? I don't know. i have to look up how to pronounce fecund i was gonna say that's how you say it because i thought i figured you looked it up like fecal yeah me too that's what i would have said is what the internet told me i don't know what it means even oh i didn't look that up i just looked up pronunciation i did the same thing i was researching for our new york show and i found a review and I was like, oh, now I know how to pronounce this. And I'm like, wait a second.

What does it even mean? I have no idea what this means. It's almost worse if you know how to say it and then you don't know what it means because then you're like, I don't know. Fecund. Fecund. Okay. It just still doesn't sound right.

But what is the meaning of the word fecundity? Fertility. What? What what that's not what i expected fertility fruitfulness intellectual fruitfulness creativity okay so can you read that again yeah so i'm trying to put it so say it in a sentence here it is this will fix it this will make you understand what it means. Okay. A wondrously fecund garden for the aggregation of sundry wort. Okay, so I think what they're saying. Oh, they're complimenting it.

Yes, it's a good thing, I think. Sundry, a fecund wort doesn't sound good to me. No. It sounds like what I had on my thumbs when I was little and I had to get them frozen off or whatever. I think we actually used sundry wort to get your warts off. That literally sounds like what we froze it off with. Sundry.

I mean, because like a sundry is like a product, a good. And then wort, W-O-R-T, like St. James wort? I don't know. It's like a plant or herb, I guess. So... Wowee. It's a lot. Okay, but that's only the first...

That was just the first bit. Oh my God. A wondrously fecund garden for the aggregation of sundry wort. Our wait many years ago for the flagship store to move to this location has been largely forgotten. And today it seems that it has always been here. Our wait many years ago for the flagship store to move to this location has been largely forgotten, and today it seems that it has always been here. Back then, the Lamar store was more quirky and possibly even parochial. Now it is more like Grand Central Station.

End of review. What does any of it mean? I don't understand this review. Is weed legal in Texas? Probably not. Stupid question. you is weed legal in uh texas probably not uh stupid question um no i think what they're saying is that it used to be kind of quaint but now it's like a fecund garden a fertile garden for all your fertile all you had to say was it's fertile i'm good i get it what more do you want it's so true jeff bezos made it more fertile you're right yeah he fertilized the that's. That's what he did. That was his whole thing.

I think so. My next one is from Elta. She hurt, obviously. Of course. Is that what you said? Of course. I don't remember. I don't remember. We said both, just in case.

This is in Edina, Minnesota. Is it Edina? I don't know. I think it's probably... What are you thinking? Ficund. Ficund. Fadina.

Ficundia. Ficund. Ficund. Okay, Ficund, Minnesota. Cool. Here's a one-star review. The other day, I accidentally dropped $30 worth of apples onto the floor I quickly picked both of them up

and put them back hopefully no one saw me end of review that's so good that got me $30 I was like wow that's a lot of see if you're gonna be an ass

just be clever about it then we're less mad oh by the way I just realized that If you're going to be an ass, just be clever about it. Yeah. Then we're less mad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, by the way, I just realized that this, the one that I read of Austin, that's the flagship store. Like it was founded in Austin. Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah. Like that Raleigh person saying they'll call corporate in Texas. That's right. Yes. Interesting. I don't know if that offers any more context, but just so you know, I meant to mention that. Yeah, it is fertile.

It fertilized the rest of the country. It did. Okay. And it sowed its seed. Okay. It squirted its seed all over the place. It sowed seed. It's fucking wart.

It squirted its wart all over the country. It squirted its fecund wart all over the country. And all these fecund warts blossomed into beautiful Whole Foods. So we could get our sundries. Yeah. So anyway. Anyway. Here's another review of the Austin, Texas flagship Whole Foods.

This one is three stars. Did I say four stars? I don't know. I don't know. Three stars. three stars. Did I say four stars? I don't know. I don't know. Three stars.

This place was okay because it was not not okay. To clarify, sorry, do you need a minute to think about that? Yeah, this place is okay because it's not not okay. Like, they wouldn't be like, it wasn't okay, but they'd just be like, okay, it's okay. Got it. I'm ready.

To clarify, there were groceries, other items that were not groceries, and additional fast food choices for slow food choosers. There were people, too. Okay. Weird review. Wow. Are they comparing it to other grocery stores? I don't know.

It's just like the other ones I've been to. But that other one said vampires and goths. And this one's like, there were people. Like, oh. Okay. There were people too. And a playground. It was okay. No epiphanies or hypophanies.

No spiritual awakenings or bodilial dormancies. This is a joke. What is happening in Austin, Texas? But that's what I meant when I said there's a pattern here. What is going on? With the reviews. Because I don't know. And that's why I also mentioned the thing about it being a flagship.

Are they compensating for something? I don't understand. But the ones Gabby sent in were all so weird with the vocabulary that I was like, there's something happening. Gabby's like, oh, no, that was a normal bit. Yeah, Gabby's like. What? That's not what was funny. What, the fecundity of it?

What's wrong with it? Yeah, this is how I already talk. It, like, gets even weirder, ready? Oh, no. No, I'm not. But I'll listen. It was okay. No epiphanies or hypophanies.

No spiritual awakenings or bodilial dormancies. And little or no negative dash negative great or much ambivalence it's like a fucking formula this is not this is not like the last one felt like it was a new yorker thing yeah this one feels like it's the ravings of someone like writing their own zine like this is not this is not normal Like it says little or no. So it says negative dash negative, which I'm like, little or no means something already. You don't need to put like a picture next to it, like a negative slash negative, whatever. My goodness. And what's a bodilial dormancy? I'm going to freak out. I can't like, this is just not necessary. No.

You know, like, come on. It's stressing me out. And little or no, negative dash negative, great or much ambivalence. The cold brew was nice after a bike ride. End of review. What? That's why it's whiplash. It's like, this place is okay. Lay off the cold brew is my suggestion.

You know what? I do get a certain way when I have like a lot of caffeine. Oh, yeah. But it's definitely not a better vocabulary. Or, okay, better is a strong word here. It's not a different vocabulary. More creative. It's not.

Yeah. I'm not saying I make more sense when I have a lot of caffeine, so maybe I get it a little bit. Yeah, I get frenzied a little bit. But this is a step too far. I mean. This is not okay to me. Just leave your bodilial dormancies at home. There's no room for this.

Please never take those away from your home again. There's no room for politics or bodilial dormancies in my Yelp reviews. I'm not even going to Google what that is. Please don't. Thank you. I have not even going to Google what that is. Please don't. Thank you. I have one more. Great. This was sent in by Hunter Sheethey,

who sent a review of Greensboro, North Carolina, Whole Foods on Friendly Ave. Aw. That sounds ominous, though. Jeff Bezos is like, let's name the street Friendly Ave. They're all on Friendly Ave. We're all on're all on friendly take a look at the fish man oh no not the fish man the fish man of friendly ab oh i hate that is that the name of the sandy sheifer story it's my story the fishmonger of

friendly ab okay i can't wait i'm obsessed with this. Okay. Okay. Write it down. Here's a two-star review. I went here last night for the first time. I'm used to going to Harris Teeter and Walmart just to give the reader a picture of where I'm coming from. This Whole Foods has the best rating, or did. That is why I chose to try this one. I think I've been to one other Whole Foods before, and I want to say it was larger than this one.

I understand why many people like it. All the employees look like your Instagram fashion bloggers. And all the customers that I've seen here also look like your Instagram fashion bloggers. What? That in and of itself could be the reason why they get five stars all the time. But cute people are not going to help me grocery shop. Cute people want you to ignore them. And don't worry, I do. Anyways, so I could only find half of the things on my grocery list there. And the things I found were

not the brand that I like. There you have it. That is my review. The reason that this place got a two star, not a one star, was my cashier was honest and awesome. And ugly. And that's why I talked to them. Yeah, I only talked to them because they could not be on Instagram. What a weird, they're not a fashion blogger or whatever the fuck. I don't know what's going on here. On a side note, I don't want to hear things that are not honest. I know about business. I wasn't born last night. Thanks for clearing that up.

If someone tells me something straight up, I will buy from them. Which, that is dangerous. Yeah, wait a second. That is dangerous. That's not a good life... No, no. A life, what do you. Yeah, wait a second. That is dangerous. It's not a good life. No, no. A life, what do you call it, choice.

Because I'll sell you, I'll be very honest with you and then try to sell you something. It won't be good, but I'll be honest about it not being good. Maybe they'll still buy it, you know? What? Like, you can be like. Oh, you can be like, this is actually a shitty timeshare. Yeah, here's a shitty product. And you're going to lose a bunch of money. And they're like, well, you're being honest.

I got to buy it from you. It's it's like actually maybe jim carrey and yes man you know the same thing same exact thing hey speaking of jim carrey he actually also believes you can create your own universe it said it on my vitamin package what he believes that you can... Okay. What are you doing? Dad showed me Vitamin Sour yesterday and it said... And sometimes they have fun quotes. And it had a quote. From Jim Carrey about creating your own universe?

So one was by Confucius about how we overcomplicate our lives for no good reason. Life is simple. Then the other one I got out was Jim Carey and it said What a blunt rotation. I know, right? Jim Carey and Confucius. I don't think I'd

understand a word Confucius says. I think I would. I don't understand a word Confucius says. I don't think i don't understand what jim carrey's saying i don't know to be fair i think the second i got high with confucius i'd be like oh now i get it it all makes sense to me um no but jim carrey the quote was something it's probably in one of my eight trash cans in here because it was on the wrapper oh yeah it said uh i hoped it wasn't printed on the vitamin that you put in your mouth.

It said something like, I'm a believer in that we create our own universe, and I want to create a good one. And he actually wrote himself a million dollar check back when he was broke and starting acting. Oh, you should try it. I'm not writing that. And he ended up one day being able to cash that like he wrote it to himself sorry what so he like moved a million dollars to himself like it made no like what's like he wanted to manifest that he had that amount of money okay cool anyway because i was talking about the book i read where you create and how they let the whale go back into the harbor. Sea, ocean, water.

So, I don't know. I don't know. All right. I don't know. Where this whale went. Because you didn't have any information other than people willed it with their mind to go somewhere. Xenor, why are you acting like that? No, I'm not.

I'm just like, I don't know what to say here. What's the harbor called? I don't know. New York Harbor. I don't know. Oh, wait, that might be it. I swear to God, if that's it. I don't know.

Okay, whale washes up New York City. Jim Carrey, question mark up New York City. Jim Carrey? Here we go. Rockaway Beach in Queens. Oh, okay. Oh, dear. This one says, why 23 dead whales have washed along. Oh, my God.

Why? Because people weren't manifesting enough. That's your punishment, New York. Oh, no. That's hilarious. I mean, it's not hilarious, but it's kind of hilarious. They were telling the whale where the water was. I hate everybody. Oh, it's all the way down there. Okay, yeah.

I feel like D&I went on a lot of whales apparently would do this but do what what do you mean i don't know i'm not even done with this review i just realized that okay that's not good no of course it's not wasn Wasn't I reading one? No. No. You were not. This person's talking about how great the honest cashier was. Okay, right. Like Jim Carrey in this, man. Okay. I would go back to this place if I'm in the area and I need one or two things, only because of that cashier.

If it was not for the cashier, I would find somewhere else to go. I go to Walmart because I can get 90% of what I want in that one place. That is convenient for me as a busy person. Give this review a thumbs up. If you don't know how to, leave a comment. If you don't know how to leave a comment, YouTube it. If you don't know how to YouTube it, Google it. If you don't know how to Google it, then you're probably not reading this. End of review. What the fuck kind of weird ass ending is that? Yeah, I have no idea idea if you don't know how first of all i love the idea that someone doesn't know how to leave a comment but they know how to like search leave a comment on youtube yeah okay whatever um but then it was it's funny because

it's a google review so if they don't know how to google it they probably aren't reading that review because well and also google owns youtube so there you go mind blown um i feel like this person has a crush on the cashier because they were super weird about it you know what i'm not gonna say they don't but i'm not gonna say they do um well i'm gonna say there were no epiphanies or hypophanies no spiritual awakenings or bodilio dormancies and little or no great or much ambivalence I wish you didn't okay say that too late thankfully I'm done what if instead of

cold brew I said cold brew that'd be weird give me a cold brew that means like you're asking for beer yeah yeah okay so here's another one star review and I want to be clear again that this was sent in by Gabby of the Austin, Texas flagship World Mart. No, Whole Foods. I have a fun feature that maybe we could add to our episodes. I think people will love it.

What? It's where I get to veto certain reviews before you read them. Okay. Okay, veto. Is this it? okay veto i'm kidding gabby you and your your weird austinites who talk funny all right one star and this is by like again listen to the name just let it all sink in one star by Tee Freezy. It's not going to be healthy for me if I let this sink in. Sink in. But yes, Tee Freezy. It's deep in there. Tee Freezy's deep.

Yeah, indeed. Overpriced everything. I might actually like the store if it weren't for all the high sadiddies and sophistophunks who shop here. You're kidding. There's no way it says. Is this like a practical joke within Austin? What the fuck is a high sadiddies and sophistafunks who shop here. You're kidding. There's no way it says. Is this like a practical joke within Austin?

What the fuck is a high sadiddy? Or are Austin listeners like ha ha ha they don't get it. But like because what the fuck. What is a high sadiddy?

This is not real. It's not anything. Why are they acting like that's a normal thing to say? I'm so confused. Why are we acting like that's normal?

It's not normal. This is not normal. No, I'm not acting like this is normal. Don't worry. That's true. Thank God. Okay, now there's one last one here. This is a four star review. Oh, goody. Of the same

No. But I actually don't think it has I don't think I think it's not the same in that way it's still weird but it's not but it's a redemption by Andrea I like the convenient location and the extremely attractive men who shop here

they carry a couple of items that I can't live without. Oh, they meant the store. I thought at first they meant the attractive men and I was like, what do they carry? They carry a pair of items I can't live without. Oh god. Oh god. They carry a couple of items that I can't live without but I wouldn't dream of doing my main

grocery shopping here unless I hit the jackpot. The only downside is that I am a little schemish about the pay with your palm option at the registers. It's a bit off-putting, to be honest, but I will continue to swing by for my favorite organic instant coffee until the fateful day arrives when they turn the tables on me and force the palm payment system,. TMOTB. End of review. What is that? No fucking idea.

I was hoping you would know. Wait, what? I googled it. Yeah? And it said, one result for what it stands for, and that is the misadventures of Tron Bon. And I went, oh, sure, that's what they mean. Mega Man Legends series game.

Okay. Like the word palm. Okay. Payment. TMOTB doesn't even have a P. So like it can't be that. But what is this? Whole Foods.

There's no W. There's no F. Amazon's palm reading payments. Palm reading. They tell you your future. That's fun. And they charge you at the same time. Can you imagine?

That's fun. And they charge you at the same time? Can you imagine Jeff Bezos? That's so smart. Jeff Bezos is like, your love line is falling a little short. Thanks, Jeff. Yeah. Oh, God. Terrifying. Jeffrey Bezos. T-M-O-T-V.

They literally have palm-based payment systems. That's terrifying. Look, okay. I get it. I've got an iPhonehone i'm on the internet way too much every they know everything about me they're trying like they as in they like corporations whatever but still i get freaked out by this shit well yeah it's like feels very sci-fi i mean at the airport like you know the clear thing you oh i signed up for clear because it was so busy finally and i have a discount so i was like fine i up for clear because it was so busy. Finally. And I have a discount.

So I was like, fine, I'll do it. And it was so busy leaving LaGuardia the other day that I was like, I got to do it. Isn't it great? It was fucking weird. But yeah. They scan your eyes. They scan my eyeballs. And I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. And then I felt awkward being like accompanied to the.

I know. They like escort you in front of fucking weird you know what alexander i i don't regret it i just feel weird doing it what is tmotb the man of the barley grass that's a a Simon and Garfunkel song. Okay. I'm out. Okay. Let's see.

I think I'm done with my Whole Foods. Yes. Oh, thank goodness. I'm done. Me too. That means it's your challenge, right? Yes. Sorry.

I got excited. X-Teens Challenge from D. Yeah. Positive reviews that make you not want to go there love it it was it was a thing that happened so d was like with her friends and they were looking at bars to go to and there was a bar and i don't know the exact review but it was a five-star review of it saying like oh great place to hang with the guys and watch sports oh god they're like okay skip we know this isn't for us and they were like so d was like texted me it was like oh great place to hang with the guys and watch sports oh god they're like okay we know this isn't for us and they were like so d was like texted me it was like oh good idea for

a challenge and i was like that is a great idea so i'm excited i really liked this challenge it was very fun to search for specific phrases that i would not want to take in i bet that makes sense um so yeah you'll get a glimpse of that um when we get into the ones i found but i had a couple submissions so this one is from nina who said like maybe they're cheating because they looked at place she looked at places she doesn't want to go already so it's like no i don't think that's cheating but i thought actually that made a lot of sense especially if they like within the review list out the reasons you wouldn't want to go there. Like, that makes sense.

Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, exactly. So, this is a review of the Church of Scientology. It's a five-star review. Oh, this is the one in Austin. Are you kidding me? There's something going on. I'm scared.

Me too. Some people were asking for a Texas show. I don't know if we can do it. We're busy that day. I was in Austin earlier this year. It was a blast. I really enjoyed it. However, my view of Austin has changed quite a bit,

quite dramatically in the past 40 minutes or so. I feel like you didn't have a single hypophony, so why are you acting like it was such a great trip? Christina. I would reference any of those reviews, but I don't remember any of the words

because they meant nothing to me. You don't even remember bodilial dormancy? No. I wouldn't even know how to start trying to spell that.

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Okay, this is a five-star review of the Church of Scientology in Austin, Texas. Oh no. I already did Scientology when I lived a long time ago in Germany. Scientology is magic. Like a hundred years ago? The way they put it made it sound like they're like an ancient form. When I was a demigod. Yeah.

Oh lordy, I'm nervous. Part of the Hessian army. When I lived a long time ago. Fucking talk about the Hessian army. Get the fuck out of here. Okay. Scientology is magic and is the only existing technology today. Besides apparently the palm reading.

Yeah, wait a second. Austin, Texas already has some next level technology as far as I've heard. By the way, while we're on the subject of this fucking challenge, I would like to add all the Austin, Texas, Whole Foods reviews to my list of places I don't want to go because I don't need a hypothetical what, bodilial dormancy or whatever.

So I'll pass. Okay. Scientology is magic and is the only existing technology today helping you to entirely overcome your problems, whatever it might be. And that without drugs, side effects, doctors, counselors, and without any possible stupid label for another disorder, because the doctor doesn't know how to help you otherwise.

But people know it better. They listen to all this negative crap on the internet or to other people just talking bad about it without having made any own experiences with it. Instead, they should show some more personal integrity for finding out themselves. I feel like they're like, just step in for a few minutes. This is the most gaslighting bullshit. Show some integrity. Why don't you just stand up for your own opinions for once and come join the church?

Yeah. Okay. It's like, think for yourself for one second. Yeah. And join the Church of Scientology. Yeah. Okay. It's like think for yourself for one second. Yeah. And join QAnon. Like you never have until now. You know, until you hit Scientology, then you will. It's like this is different.

Crazy. Jesus. It is entirely different. And the Austin organization is a very peaceful, lovely place to go to. Now, I'm extremely happy with what i got out of my dianetics and scientology and i don't want to look back and imagine how i would be today without having done anything with it but if you don't need or want it or you're just a bit scared about it that's your problem you are here missing out big time on a great journey to win in your own life think about it

dot dot dot no thanks no yeah i'm good i'm out i'm good that that did the trick i that's a five star review that makes me not want it worked thank you so much to let's see who was that oh it didn't even say the name i'm gonna say hannah okay or no i'm gonna say heidi since they're an old ancient demigod true true um so this is a review sent in by gregory oh good yeah who actually wrote in the email that his sister like who was the one who yeah oh yeah i know showed him i know the lore but then also wrote oh and she got me a beach to sandy cup and he's like now that i'm talking about promoting your merch and the cup's pretty great, I guess, whatever, or something like that, now maybe you'll read my email. And I was like, Gregory, I swear to God, this attitude is like killing me.

Anyway. Anyway. It worked. Anyway. Apparently I did it anyway. So this is from Gregory and it's a review of the Greensville Correctional Center in Virginia. Oh, interesting. it's a review of the Greensville Correctional Center in Virginia. Oh, interesting.

A prison. And this is a five-star review by Austin, a local guide. Austin, again. I mean, it's not in Austin, but the pattern continues. It's like permeating the whole show. Everywhere. Okay, five stars. My cousin died here.

End of review. Oh! And Gregory even wrote, like like this is where they did fuck executions oh shit and then they closed uh they deleted all the reviews of the prison i guess but oh no but i'm like wait and so gregory said to like i have a lot of questions like did he get like are you happy because it's a five-star view. Are you joking? Are they, were they executed? Did they die in prison, like, under other circumstances?

Were they just visiting? Were they working there? Right, great point. What was your cousin doing there? There could be so many things. Yeah, so that makes me not want to go to the, I mean. You know, fair. Not that I wanted to go to the Greensville Correctional Center.

Well, again, I also didn't think you wanted to go to the Scientology Center in Austin, Texas. I did a little bit. Now I don't at all. You usually do. I usually jump on board and meet. Not just for the story. For the story, which is a very dangerous... I know. It's a dumb way to live. This is one of those stories that maybe it's worth it to not experience. You know? Yep. Just saying. Five stars.

I'm going to read the, the review first. Oh, is this the same place? No. Oh, no. Read the review before I tell you what it is.

Maybe you'll figure it out. Chuck E. Cheese. Okay. No, but actually let's pretend. Cause that makes it way funnier. Okay.

No, this is five Stars by Mark. By the way, written April 15th of 2023, so very recent. What a wonderful store run by passionate patriots. This store is a beacon of our freedom of speech. All of us citizens may not always get along, but this store should be celebrated. I purchased a lot of items and can't wait to purchase more. God bless America.

Don't tread on me. I am looking forward to an event for 2024. End of review. Hobby Lobby. It's the Trumped store and coffee house. And coffee house. And coffee house. And coffee house. And coffee house. I love that.

I think that's so fucking funny that it's like also, oh yeah, also a coffee house. It's like those like thrift stores with coffee. Yes. Oh, how nice. Trump store and coffee.

It's like such a random way. A Trumpery and coffee roaster. Yeah. It does feel very odd. It's in Show Low, Arizona is the name of the town wow on a town on a street called deuce of clubs that none of this seems real deuce of clubs is the name of the street um wow like here's a review highlight of this place very good coffee shop with a lot of memorabilia of the best president

of the United States since Abraham Lincoln. Super duper. Imagine those being your two favorite presidents. How does that work? I don't know. How does that work?

Explain it to me, but don't, because I don't care. It's just very bizarre. People are arguing about where they get their coffee beans, and I'm like, is that the point, though? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why it's so wild that this is a coffee shop as well.

Also, their about says, we spiashalize. So this is basically the opposite of Austin, Texas. They can't even spell their own fucking slogan, right? Got it. We spiashalize in all things Trump, hats, shirts, coffee mugs, comma, comma, comma, sweatshirts, and the best coffee and espresso on the mountain. On the mountain? You didn't tell me the deuce of clubs was a mountain. I didn't know.

I should have. And is that that hard to do? What? Having the best coffee on a mountain? Called Deuce. Okay, but like regardless of the mountain, I mean like how many coffee roasteries are on this mountain? Well, if you're in Boulder, Colorado. It's multiple mountains.

Yeah. Like also like, I don't know. I'm just saying, also, like, I don't know. I'm just saying. In Show Low, I don't know. Oh, my God. Wait. Sorry. Here's the history.

We started in 2016 as the Trump headquarters in Show Low and Snowflake, Arizona. No. That's fucking great. That is amazing. And after Trump was elected, we opened the retail store to support the president and the country. Okay, that makes no sense. Imagine going to an investor meeting and being like, why do you need a loan? You're just making money for yourself.

Like, what? Imagine going to the bank and being like, I need a loan. They're like, why? For my small business. Why? Give us like a pitch. And they're like, we're supporting the country. Yeah.

And we have the best coffee on the mountain. What mountain? And the government's like, yep, we'll forgive those loans too, just not student loans. Yeah, cool. But you do have the best coffee on this mountain, which is actually a straight desert road in Arizona. So fucking weird.

So I guess good for you. Anyway, okay. So next up, I have a review of the Maverick Saloon. This is somewhere in, I think, Central California. Oh, this is my last one. Four stars. This is by Pete. Okay, Pete.

Food is pretty good, but I like the drink specials. Honestly, it seems like everyone starts at Saddlesore, walks over to Waterwheel, and then over to Mavericks before 2am hits. The band was okay, but not as good as Waterwheel. I wish they had a little more room to move around like Waterwheel does, but it's nice because they are right on the corner. Everyone either loves or hates the Trump sign out front. I don't mind it. I do love that they put the nativity scene out every Christmas though. End of review. So I love that little plot twist where it's like

okay, I could go there. I could go there. I don't know. I was talking about 2am I was like, I'm out. When you started talking about everyone going there. And there's no room to walk around. Yeah, you're right. Sounds terrible. And then you said that. I was like, wow, it's even worse. It was hard because like, man, I could have googled so many things like open late said that. I was like, wow, it's even worse. It was hard because, like, man, I could have Googled so many things, like, open late.

Yeah. There are, like, so many things that you specifically wouldn't want to partake in. Like, we only serve sugar-free food. I don't know. There's a lot of things that I feel like. Yeah. I mean, for me, it would just be, like like a bunch of barbecue reviews or some shit you know like yeah um okay well if if anybody figures out what tmotb means let me know yeah if it's very

offensive i'm sorry for saying it and i feel we're bringing it up now after all this but there's a gofundme link below if you want to go support that you know it would make my life 10% of proceeds go to the flagship don't listen to anything she says and their upcoming technology their palm reading services i can't wait all righty bye beach to sandy water to wet is a forever dog production hosted and produced by zandy and christine sheffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced

by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.