Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 242: Reviews of Smut

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

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Hello, little smutlings. Hey. Oh, hi.utlings. Hey. Oh, hi. You too. I wasn't talking to you. I hope not. That's a really awkward thing to call your sibling.

Yeah, we're doing reviews of smut books, and that's the phrase that was voted on in Patreon. Was there a vote on different phrasing? No, I'm just saying that's what got liked, the likes, and that's what got put in the poll. So we didn't come up with smut books. I feel like there are other nicer, not that it's necessarily bad. I need to just stop. Smut books. This was fun. I woke up from a really crazy deep nap. Yeah you sure you're ready you don't feel ready at all i woke up from a deep nap singing leonard cohen and i'm like what are we doing smut and then i had you bring me a black iced coffee yeah i was a surprise i don't ever drink black coffee i don't know i'm I'm in a really strange place.

So let me just zap back into it. With this? Yeah. Zap. She's zapping. She's doing a whole bit. It's not a bit. It's a bit.

It's my real life. Yeah, it's a bit. I'm not here to make friends. What? Remember Zip Zap Zop? Yeah. Yeah. I hated that.

I don't even know what it is, but. It's like an improv exercise. It's an icebreaker, but I don't remember how it works. It is an icebreaker, yeah. Zip. And they do it in improv to icebreak. Zip. Zap.

We can't. We only have two people. We have to do it to someone new? I'll do it to Riley, because Riley, riley she her is the one who suggested smut so since you were looking for someone to place blame on we can blame riley but riley wants us to blame it's true i think that was a whole thing right it's true because she also suggested vegas wedding chapels apparently and we never didn't give credit no and like she still shouldn't she says which is fine she says which is fine and obviously it's

not fucking fine because why would you say it if it's you know what i mean thank you riley for both of these it's fine well obviously it's not fine riley so we'll give you what you want you want a shout out but to be fair the reason she wanted a shout out for wedding chapels is because she got married in a wedding chapel in vegas the month we chose her wedding chapels in Vegas theme. And we didn't even say happy wedding day. You're playing the episode at the altar waiting for the shout out and it never came. And we were your officiant and we never actually married you.

We never said your name. We forgot to say it. Whoops. I'm sorry about that. So I now pronounce you, I don't know who you married, partner and partner and partner. And congratulations. Congratulations to you both.

What a lovely pair. Thank you for this dumb, dumb topic. Just kidding. I'm excited. It is silly, but I just, the word smut reminds me of like 1935. Yeah, that's why I said that. Not because, like plenty of people use it. I would use it. I don't think it's that bad to use. But it feels like it has a negative connotation. Yeah, it feels dirty. And I don't want that in this episode.

I want it to be like, not a negative. Sandy goes, I don't want negativity. And it's like we're reading only one star reviews of these things. No, I'm not. Nice try. I got some five star smut reviews. I'm excited. No, it was so fun uh and it's exciting to learn uh the different kinds of smut that exist um it was a fascinating journey for me all done on goodreads um so happy for you thank you it was fun you go first so uh my first one is a five-star review of Sugar Daddies, okay? Cool. By Jade West.

One fascinating thing about Goodreads is you can insert GIFs into your reviews. Oh, yeah. It got raunchy at times. Oh, no. Lots of these reviews that I saw, people were putting in gifs to describe how they felt. One of my favorites, I think, is from this one, though, is someone snapping their fingers. Probably a character I should recognize. Snapping their fingers, and there's this nuke thing, and it says, ovaries.

Hmm. Oh. That's how they ended this oh god it was funny no um there's also a lot of like finger licking and banana eating and what i eat bananas all the time bananas are disgusting okay so here we go uh i'm gonna read the uh description for the book of course here we go a sugar daddy website doesn't need a sound basis for an a1 life plan but i'm a small town girl with big dreams and there's this one advert this one crazy advert i can't stop thinking about two hot guys seeking their little miss right. Someone who can entertain them, amuse them, fit in with their corporate schedule, and sex. They want sex. Lots of sex. Bonus, right? One

major dose of epic win. Of course, guys like Carl and Rick have their conditions. Carl? Carl and Rick. Dear lord. You know, the high-flying business executives, Carl and Rick, the sexiest of the men in the boardroom. They have their conditions, one being that they come together, or not at all. Hell, I can live with that. And there are no skeletons in their designer closet, none that I can find. Just two hot sugar daddies with particular tastes, nothing to worry about. Until Carl and Rick spill the big one the one that sends the girls running a whole string of them before me running to the hills

without so much as a backward glance maybe i should run too thanks but no thanks see you around guys nice knowing you but i'm already in way too deep for that oh my god uh so yeah this i didn't know we were reading the oh boy i don't know what any of these are about. Then there's a warning and it says this novel contains vivid depictions of MMF slash MM relationships and Jade's characters, as always, have very filthy mouths. Mature readers only, please. So what's the thing that they announce? I have no idea. You gotta read it to find out. I don't want to do that. Okay. Well, someone will. Or maybe they talk about it in this thing. I have no idea. You gotta read it to find out. I don't want to do that. Okay, well, someone will.

Or maybe they talk about it in this thing. I forget. Here is a review with lots of quotes, so don't worry. Oh, God. I loved it.

I fucking devoured this book. Okay, this is gonna be another hot and wet review, so please be ready for a lot of finger fucks or licking them. Alexander! Sugar Daddies was my first book of the author, but I can assure you this won't be the last, because that woman knows how to write sex scenes so damn well.

I really enjoyed this story, and I felt all the way down of my body, and now I need a couple hours to pull myself together because you know my vagina needs some rest. Fucking hell. Oh yeah, I'm not overreacting. I'm really, really, really satisfied with this book. By the way, I almost forgot. I loved Carl and Rick a lot, but Rick is my guy. I really loved your piercings, baby. Especially that special one down there. Ahem, ahem. Moaning. Yes, I'm waiting.

Is she talking to him or is she quoting him in a book? I'm not sure. This wasn't in quotes. The next part is. Okay. So I don't think it's a quote. Okay. You said you had piercings.

You didn't say which. He poked his tongue out, showing it in its full glory. Tongue, nipples he paused cock oh dear god and then ovaries explosion jif end of review okay that's it does it huh okay i mean i love it and i love the comments it's like a bunch of like just everyone was just so excited it's such a weirdly fun community i don't know i had that's why i had so much fun like i'm just reading these people are just so positive and excited about these books and i'm like okay yes like it i don't know the fact that they're so open about it just made me really happy okay well i guess i'll just ruin that for

you so this is a review of don't worry i't worry. I've got some one stars too. Okay. I'm like, you seem to be in such a chipper mood. I don't want to bum you out. But this is a book called Haunting Adeline. Now this. Oh my God. Ghost smut?

I hope so. Sort of, I think. I don't know. So Riley, I think Riley sent this one in. Yes. And I have't know. So Riley's, I think Riley sent this one in. Yes. And I have the description. So I've actually, I've heard of it because when I was reading the other ones,

I found everyone mentioned this series. So this is like one of those that people are like, I came from that series, which probably set my expectations too high. Like apparently this one, like on Amazon as an example. Oh my God. On Goodreads has

160 186,000 ratings. Wow. That's so many. And 44,000 on Amazon. I think that's more than the Statue of Liberty. On

on what? Just like on reviews. I was like on Goodreads? No. What are you talking about? Ovaries explode. Okay. Haunting Adeline parentheses Cat and mouse duet book one an amazon top 10 bestseller okay here's a description and this is by hd carlton

the manipulator i can manipulate the emotions of anyone who lets me. I will make you hurt, make you cry, make you laugh and sigh, but my words don't affect him, especially not when I plead for him to leave. He's always there, watching and waiting, and I can never look away. Not when I want him to come closer. And then there's the shadow. I didn't mean to fall in love, but now that I have, I can't stay away. I'm mesmerized by her smile by her eyes and the way she moves the way she undresses i'll keep watching and waiting until i can make her mine and once she is i'll never let her go not even when she begs me to oh no while not required it is highly suggested to read the novella satan's affair first. Ooh. My, oh my. Biblical.

Satan's Affair. Okay, so I have a one star. Sounds like some Dan Brown. I love it. Okay. I'm in. Literally keep that in mind. Okay. It is in my mind already.

Don't worry. One star by Brooke. Verified purchase. Mild spoiler warning. I picked up this book without much knowledge about its content. BookTok pretty fervently recommended it to me, and I wanted a dark, smutty book, so here we are. The lead male main character is named Zaid. He leads an underground organization which specializes in tracking down an organization of politicians and celebrities

who take part in child rape and ritualistic sacrifice, parentheses, blood libel and anti-Semitic trope. You may recognize this as the creed of the now infamous conspiracy theory and attempted vigilante organization, QAnon. QAnon. Oh, and did I mention the Zayde's followers only know him as Z and most do not know his true identity, much as QAnon only knows their mysterious anonymous leader as Q and do not know his true identity, much as QAnon only knows their mysterious

anonymous leader as Q and do not know his true identity. Although most believe it to be Trump, get that image out of your head as you're reading the sex scenes in this book. I've been made aware that this is actually the author's second attempt at this novel and they swear they worked with members of the Jewish community to erase all anti-Semitism and QAnon references in this book. Frankly, I doubt that, but who am I to judge? I'm still in shock that this is the author's second attempt at making this book less anti-Semitic. Third time's a charm? The supposed edits to this novel include the removal of anti-Semitic Jewish tropes. Hold on, I have to scroll. Jesus, this is a bummer what this is a bummer yeah i know you said you were in and i was like just wait a second holy shit well it's it's interesting to hear the the

seedy underbelly right the supposed edits to this novel include the removal of anti-semitic jewish tropes you mean the original was worse than this the actual jewish names of the named human sacrificing politicians and the named character who is a famous actor revealed to be a pedophile. That character's name is Tim Banks, suspiciously similar to Tom Hanks, famous real-life actor who was targeted by, you guessed it, QAnon. I would also like to add Zaid, Z, is a stalker who is skilled in breaking into people's homes. The Q of QAnon was also famous for doing this, as immortalized on various posts made on 5chan.

Z and Q also like to leave behind cryptic notes attached to harmless gifts. Also, this book was previously banned by Amazon. I wonder why. This may all be coincidence, but if I had known these facts before purchasing this book, I never would have wasted my money. End of review. Holy shit. And there were a lot of people who were like um does anyone else realize how similar this is to

like q anon lore it's not weird that is yeah like the blood libel the z that's not good no it's a little too close like it's i feel like if she were or whoever wrote whoever wrote this book were cornered into explaining themselves, they'd have a hard time debunking. A hard time. Okay. All right. Your turn. Yeah. No, you're right.

That is so wild. Yeah. Yeah. Jeez. Yeah. Well, that's a CD underbelly. I didn't expect it. Cueing on smut.

That is the last thing I expected to hear. Right? Yeah. Well, that's a CD underbelly. I didn't expect it. Cueing on smut. That is the last thing I expected to hear. Right? Yeah. Surprise. Good find, I suppose. There's antisemitism everywhere. It is. It is everywhere.

It is. It's in our smut now. It's so sad. It's really terrible. It's like, come on. Jesus Christ, give it a break. And that popular of a book, too. Like, that's scary.

Another of you like. What's scary is like what growing up, like you read Harry Potter series, you don't think about the anti-Semitism. You don't think what's in there, you know, and in hindsight, there very much is anti-Semitism in the Harry Potter series. It's so insidious. And just because you don't, like just because you don't process it at the time doesn't mean it doesn't stick with you. Like subconsciously, like that anti-Semitism has its effects. And it's really scary. Careful, folks, what you consume out there.

Yeah, yeah. It's a scary world. I guess you got to read more negative reviews to learn about it. Nothing's safe. And then send them to me so we can read them here. Yeah. Anyway, here is... I'm moving on to a book called Icebreaker.

Okay. Zip. Zap. Oh, no. Here we go. Anastasia Allen. Is Anastasia not the smuttiest name? It's the most...

Like, in a good... Like, it's a nice name. Don't get me wrong. I think it's a very lovely name. But it's always the name they pick for books like this. It's like Zaid or something and like, like something that's kind of not a name. And then like Anastasia. Oh, and she goes by Stassi.

Oh my God. Like Vanderpump Rules. Totally. That's what her name is. Yeah. I have never seen it. I believe you. Okay.

This was probably maybe, you know, inspired by that. Maybe. One was inspired by QAnon, one was inspired by Vanderpump Rules. I would rather have the Vanderpump Rules. Me too. I've never seen it. Okay, Anastasia Allen has worked her entire life for a shot at Team USA. A competitive figure skater since she was five years old,

a full college scholarship thanks to her place on the Maple Hills skating team, and a schedule that would make even the most driven person weep, Stassi comes to win, no exceptions. Nathan Hawkins has never had a problem he couldn't solve. As captain of the Maple Hills Titans,

knows the responsibility of keeping the hockey team on the ice rests on his shoulders. When a misunderstanding results in the two teams sharing a rink, and Anastasia's partner gets hurt in the aftermath, Nate finds himself swapping his stick for tights, and one scary coach for an even scarier one. The pair find themselves stuck together in more ways than one. But it's fine, because Anastasia doesn't even like hockey players.

Right? Okay. This one feels so like, I don't know, it's just like hockey and figure skating. Like, you know, you get the fucking crazy QAnon shit. Then you get like, oh, a hockey, a small town hockey player and a small town ice figure skating. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. With more sex, probably. Maybe. Here's a one star review of icebreaker by hannah grace this book would have been better if all the characters died end of review oh my god okay well then maybe i have a different genre of book for you reviewer it's called like literally any other book besides a smutty book. The ratings for this book.

Wow. 269,000 ratings. Oh, shit. Yeah. 4.07. So very highly rated. I feel like most of mine that I got were like, well, I got it from like a best of list. I would like, I scrolled pretty deep in case you use the same list, but I use the Goodreads

like best of smut list. So these are all like, I think four stars or up books with tons of ratings. So speaking of books with tons of ratings, I have a review of Akatar. Oh, is that your book? It is. A Court of Thorns and Roses. Now, I didn't consider this smut. I mean, I guess Renee calls it a sexy fairy book, so maybe I should have thought it was

smut. I don't know. But I just want to be clear here. There are no spoilers in this review, okay? Good. So I would not have read it if there were. This is a one-star review of A Court of Thorns and Roses, one star by Chelsea... Some people were confused, by the way, because we talked about the name of the book in one episode and then the other. Oh, I didn't clarify. Some people didn't make the the way, because we talked about the name of the book in one episode and then the other. Oh, I didn't clarify.

Some people didn't make the connection. Yeah. So this is the book that people were like telling you don't waste your time with. Don't waste your time with. And then other people were like saying, waste your time with it. It's great. Yeah, exactly. It's very.

And I've chosen to proceed. It feels polarizing for some reason, but. It's polarizing because it's like a. A sexy dragon book. No. Or something. some reason but it's polarizing because it's like a sexy dragon book no or something because it's like a bestseller so it's like so popular that of course now there's people who are like too many hipsters these days a lot of haters you know which is normal i feel like when something gets a lot of

press and a lot of attention um some people hate it some people love it some people are like meh so uh i'm about halfway through the first one. And it's called A Court of Thorns and Roses. It's a fairy book, Sandy, not a dragon. I messed that up. Sorry, I don't know why. Because I said it. You said that? Maybe there are dragons.

I'm not there yet. Oh, sports. But so far, there are only fairies. Okay. So it's like Ferngully. Sexy Ferngully. It sounds terrible. makes you gonna die it's not that i'm kidding i'm kidding one star review by chelsea verified purchase on amazon

the title is razor blade fell out of book one okay there's a photo what oh i was like what does that mean i was like what is this oh i'll Okay. I never write reviews, but when a razor blade fell out of book one into my bed last night, I thought I would share. Book is great so far, but it was also missing pages 118 to 134. Instead of proceeding from 118 to 119, the book actually jumps back to 103. Not a huge deal. I found the missing pages online in a PDF. But the razor blade falling out? Back to 103. Not a huge deal. I found the missing pages online in a PDF.

But the razor blade falling out? That could have been super dangerous if I didn't spy the glint of metal in my sheets. Buyer beware. End of review. Oh my god. There's a literal picture of a razor blade on their bed. Was this an Amazon review? Yeah. And missing tons of pages?

Yeah, they're like, it's not a big deal. I went and found them. I was like, I'd be pissed off. I'd be like, what the fuck is this? They're like, it's not a big deal. I found it online in a PDF. I don't know. I just was very alarmed by that.

So be careful, folks. Yeah, watch out when you open your books, apparently. They're trying to kill you. It's like your Halloween candy. Someone's always out to get you. Nothing's safe anymore. Not even our smug. Nothing's safe. Well, we found that out in your first review but i know nothing's safe now there's more of a physical danger rather than just a societal mental danger yeah a little bit

of everything yeah it's a scary world my god i think there's plenty of emotional danger in these books too sometimes based on some reviews i read yeah holy um here we go my next one is a kingdom of flesh and fire two things in this kingdom flesh and fire is this like an akatar book no i actually thought that it's a different author but this author does write like fantasy books so it might be similar okay because it sounds i mean i don't know the names of all the books but it sounds like the same kind of like a court of thorns and roses yes i literally looked up the author of a court of whatever i keep fucking akatar akatar um because i was wondering if it was the same one but this is by uh jennifer l armentrout okay um and yeah so uh has plenty of books i i don't i can't let me just read a little bit uh of the there's this is a long description okay uh i'll just read

like the beginning part of the description it says a betrayal everything poppy has ever believed in is a lie including the man she was falling in love with. Hang on. Poppy's the other name. Oh, Poppy's the popular one. Anastasia, Poppy. I feel like those are very like... I feel like Poppy's like the girl from the small town.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. In this case, probably a small village or something. Yeah. Small fairy kingdom. Fairy kingdom. Thrust among those who see her as a symbol of a small fairy kingdom. Fairy kingdom. Thrust among those

who see her as a symbol of a monstrous kingdom. Just kidding, she comes from a monstrous kingdom. Oh, never mind. She barely knows who she is without the veil of the maiden. But what she does know is that nothing is as dangerous to her as him, the Dark One, the Prince of Atlantia. He wants her

to fight him, and that's one order she's more than happy to obey he may have taken her but he will never have her oh my oh my this is uh i think it looks it says blood of uh at the top it says blood and ash number two so i assume this is a series a series um yeah there's from blood and ash was the first one. And then this is the second one. So I don't know, actually. This feels more of like just kind of sci-fi fantasy. But there's romance in them.

Here's a review I read. One star. Things I never want to read again. Sorry. And then I'm pausing to say that these are five things. The few of them are like quotes from the book, okay? Oh, things I never want to read again. Things I never want to read again.

Things that were in the book to make it. This is kind of, I realize, confusing to say aloud. Here we go. One, you intrigue me. Two, any sentence that involves the word princess. Three, I'm going to stab you. Four. There's seriously something wrong with you.

Five. Any more questions from Poppy, who seems to only speak when asking questions and making stab threats. Things I do want. The damn threesome scene. And it's the only reason I'll be reading the third book. End of review. Ooh, see? It's like so funny.

I love how mad people get when they're sucked into something. Yeah. I guess I have to keep reading them. It's so funny to me. They're like, I hate this book. I can't wait to read the third one. Some of them are like, some of them end on cliffhangers and people are like so mad because they're like, man.

It's a fucking book. Now I have to read the next one. Yeah, that's the point. It's a fucking book. Like that's what's, it's a fucking book. Now I have to read the next one. Yeah, that's the point. It's a fucking book. Like that's what's, it would drive me crazy. Like it would drive me being, being this author and reading these reviews if this author does read these reviews. Cause I'm like, oh, okay. Like you want to read the third, like you don't have to read these. Yeah. Like just stop it. This is a second one. If you're going to leave one star reviews, stop reading them. But overall, again, this is one that has overall 4.4 out of five stars.

Okay. So very positive. But the number of times people were complaining about people getting stabbed or threatening to stab was so wild. It was like, what is... People were like, what is happening in this book that everyone wants to probably keep someone who stab people? Maybe the author saw Criminal Minds enough times where she knew that they always say

that stabbing is what people do if they have trouble getting it up. Yeah. There you go. And so they stab to get the satisfaction. Maybe she's like, oh. Penetration, you know? Yeah, that's probably what happened. There are 483

reviews that mention the word stab oh god oh no i wonder how many times it's said in the book like if you could do a control f of the kindle edition um okay this is a review by i'm sorry it was sent in by kana she her and it's a book called Dark Lover. All right. Let me just pull up Dark Lover book. Okay. I'll read you the, oh, it's the first novel of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. Oh my.

Okay. That was my friend group in college. Oh, that's what the BDB stood for? I always wondered. BDB. I'm just kidding. We're the Big Dick Bros. Okay.

Stop, Alex. I didn't have friends in college. To be fair, I thought you said high school. No, I said college. Oh, okay. You should have known immediately. So this is a description of the book. As the world's only purebred, already a troubling word, but okay.

As the world's only purebred vampire and the leader of the Black Dagger Brotherhood, Wrath, with a W, has a score to settle with the slayers who killed his parents centuries ago. But when his most trusted fighter is killed, orphaning a half-breed daughter unaware of her heritage or her fate. Jesus! Wrath must put down his dagger and usher the beautiful woman into another world. Wow. Okay.

I don't understand what's happening. I don't either. There's a hunger, it says, and something dawns on someone. So let me read the review I have. It is a one-star review by Heather of Dark Lover. I should have known by the summary that this book would suck ass, but alas, I was blinded by that sexy-sounding name, Wrath.

Curse Miss Ward for being intelligent enough to make that up. With a name like Wrath, I was expecting some sensual sinning to take place, but all I got was a blind, leather duster wearing vampire thug who introduces us to ridiculous supernatural turf wars, rap music, and the F-bomb. Even worse, the supposed world of sensuality began as a cable guy fantasy gone wrong. This book was tragic. Tragically stupid. I realize that Rath is a vampire, but I can't suspend my belief enough to buy into anyone, supernatural or no, being able to smell what someone looks like.

Sorry, I'm just picturing a cable guy vampire. I'm trying to picture Rath right now. Wearing a leather duster, but he can't see where he's going because he's a bat? I don't know. He's sniffing a lot. Yeah, he's smelling around.

If you are able to smell someone so strongly that images form in your mind that person is made of stink and you should run oh no quickly in the opposite direction also someone named wrath has no business cuddling with anyone except the devil seriously am i supposed to believe that someone named after one of the seven deadly sins is capable of falling in love with someone so insipid? And can someone explain the mythology to me? Actually, please don't. But seriously, if vampires don't need to drink human blood to survive, why should they have to hide?

And why would they drink human blood? Lastly, what's up with all the peaches? End of review. Yeah, what is up? I don't know. Now I feel like I have to read it. So many. These reviewers. So many questions.

These reviewers are not doing their job. They're like leaving negative reviews, but then making you want to read it. I know. Now I need to know. Like, what's the point of leaving a one-star review if you're going to like- I should have looked at Peaches on the Goodreads. Titillate us, you know? Yeah.

Alexander heard blind feather duster vampire on his titillated. I heard the stink part. I was like, wait a second. You're like, that's my next book. Here we go. I'm in.

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I'm excited to tell you about this next book a lady of rook's grave manor by katherine moon this is of the part of the tempting monsters series um which has uh looks like three total books oh no three and a half books okay because there's a book one book one and a half book two book three i don't understand how that works there's a, book one and a half, book two, book three. I don't understand how that works. There was a Lion King one and a half. Was there? I don't remember that. That's the end of my knowledge on the subject. Okay.

You know, where they do the... Okay. Well, here's a description of the book. On the brink of losing her position as a maid, and with no prospects to go on, the offer of a place at Rook's Grave Manor, a house of ill and unusual repute, sounds like a perfect fit for a young woman with Esther's inclinations. Even better, the invitation comes by the hand of the handsome Dr. Underwood, a delicate gentleman with a ferocious alter ego who knows exactly what he wants from Esther. Upon arrival, the men and the

daily decadence of the manor feel too good to be true for a girl of Esther's station. There are rules to be followed, expectations to be met, and Esther is afraid she might be too wicked even for a place like Rook's Grave. Temptations lurk around every shadowy corner, and Esther has never been a girl able to resist but the risk of disappointing her new gentleman isn't all that's threatening esther's new position rook's graves manners protections for its unusual patrons are failing the wards are crumbling and esther's new and exquisitely pleasurable life may all come tumbling down okay it's interesting because i feel like usually the the trope is that the good girl gets wrapped into something dark and insidious and scary and sexy and whatever so this is different this is

like esther's already like the bad girl gets where she gets what she deserves and what she wants being tested but she must protect them now. Intriguing. I haven't really come across that. So that's interesting. I will say the reviews reading them were very positive for the smut factor at least. Here's a four-star review.

Here we go. No thoughts. Head empty. Just vibes and monster dick. End of review. No. Get out of my head, monster dick. just vibes and monster dick. End of review. No! Get out of my head, monster dick. Just vibes and monster dick.

Get out of my head. I don't want it. Monster dick. This is... Christina, the reviews. So, like, I'm not going to read. I have one more of this book, but I'm not going to. It's my last one.

But literally, these reviews were talking about how many, like, different monsters there are. There's, like, a Dr. Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing. Like, that's, I think, Dr. Underwood, I assume. And, like, literally people were saying, no plot, just monster sex. That's all I want in life. Oh, my God. It's hard to see other people living your dreams. Whoa.

It's hard to see other people living your dreams. Whoa. And like just people talking about like there's an invisible man, a vampire, a sphinx shifter, a marble golem. It's literally like just fucking monsters having sex with Esther. Oh, dear. It's all I have to say to that. It's incredible. So, so yeah if that's your thing i hope someone out there heard me mention this book and they're like oh hell yeah because reading this stuff i'm like this is so it's so niche but like i guess maybe not that niche but

like still feels kind of niche it feels like it should be niche and then it isn't yeah and i'm like am i missing something am i like the only one not reading this yeah it feels like that when you these have hundreds of thousands of people reviewing them and rating them and like mostly very positive and it's like wow these people are just like they they figured life out well i gotta say i'm i'm about halfway through akatar and there's been zero sex. So I'm like, man, this is not a smutty book yet, I don't think. I mean, unless I'm, again, missing something. A lot of stabbing? There has been a bit of stabbing, yes.

Well, I will, okay, that's good. So penetration at least. Yeah, there was, don't worry, there was definitely penetration. Good, good. No, it's just like, I don't know. I find it just so fascinating that like they're different levels because like that last one i read with uh poppy and the stabbing and stuff and like oh i need that threesome like i feel like that feels like

a slow burn type one but then i'm reading these types of like books and it's these reviews of these books and it's just like wow living dream, just having sex all the time with all these different monsters. The reviewers are emptying their own brain out to fill it with this storyline. Good for you. Man. Okay, well, speaking of Monster Dick, I received an email about a book called Alien Tyrant. This was sent in by Amanda Sheher. Scary. It's called Alien Tyrant, colon, a sci-fi alien romance, parentheses, Fated Mates of the Sea Sand Warlords, book one.

That's a lot of words. It's like a Dune. Right? Maybe. I don't even know. It looks a little bit like a Dune fan fiction. Me neither. But I don't know.

Here's a one-star review, though. This is by Rachel. Verified purchase. Title is, It Might Have Been Good. This book might have been good if it wasn't for the author's frequent use of F-bombs. I find this offensive. use of F-bombs. I find this offensive and my neurologist husband tells me cuss words embed themselves in our brains and become impossible not to use. I think they spelled neurotic. Neurologist, they meant neurotic husband. Yeah. I mean, it seems like if we're reading between

the lines, it also says that. My neurologist husband tells me cuss words embed themselves in our brains and become impossible not to use. Like a worm? I'm sorry. I don't know. This is scary. It is, and it's like, well, then. Because I use them a lot. So is it impossible not to?

If that were true, then, like, anything you read over, like. Or, like, any word you use. Like, I don't understand why. Then don't read fucking alien smug. Yeah, wait. And also for this kind understand why. Don't read fucking Alien Smuggler. Yeah, wait. And also for this kind of book. Embed in your brain. This is your complaint?

Okay. Interesting. I wasn't very far in when I returned this to Kindle Unlimited. I won't read any more by this author. So like, again, that's sort of what Amanda said because she was like, wait. So they're reading like a sexy fantasy like kind of twisted book but then the f word is like oh my gosh it offends my clutch my pearls offends my sensibilities um so it's hard to tell you know i mean i guess i mean i think people just draw the line at different places and to them, like, they see swearing as worse.

Like, I don't know. I feel like we've known people in our lives who are like swearing to them is like such a big thing. A deep sin. And it's like, but they will. There's other. There are other things that comparatively they're just so. They don't bat an eye. Yeah.

Yeah. That are like, oh, yeah, this is normal. I'm going to pull up Alien Tyrant real quick because I. Oh, please do. I just like realized I didn't ever read a description and I know that. That's very important. Oh, wait, this is funny. The first paragraph starts with, not the first part of the book, but the synopsis.

Cece, I thought getting a linguistics degree would land me a decent job, not get me shipped off to an alien planet ruled by barbarian warlords with tails. Oh, she's a linguist. She's a linguist, like the neurologist's husband. So yeah, she's dropped on a brutal desert planet in the name of research, but the mission goes wrong. Wait, I do like this writing. But the mission goes wrong, because of course it does.

I love that. It has to, yeah. Soon enough, I'm separated from the other humans and stuck with seven-foot-tall alien warlord who will not leave my side. He doesn't speak English, but his dark eyes and massive body speak volumes. But I will. Whoa. I need him to survive and find my friends, but I'm willing to give him what he wants

when what he wants dot dot dot is me. Oh. And then his name is Burudai. Oh, dear. Oh, no. When I saw the face. Hold on. When I saw the face of my futureated mate in the sacred Lavrika pools, she was unlike anything I'd ever seen. I thought that fate was wrong or that maybe I'd gone mad. But then, when she falls from the sky, crashing into my desert, my fate becomes my reality.

small and pale and fights me every chance she gets but everything in me calls to everything in her and she represents the salvation of my tribe she is mine i will destroy anyone who tries to take her from me but what if the one who tries to take her from me is her what's happening oh no this is a full-length 65 000 word sci-fi alien romance. That's a little descriptor. I can tell. It's free on Kindle Unlimited if anyone's interested. What was it called again? Alien Tyrant, colon, a sci-fi alien romance, parentheses, Fated Mates of the Seasand Warlords, book one of eight. So that last bit was like from the perspective of the warlord?

Yeah. Got it, got it. Who does speak English in the book? In his own head, I guess. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah. I think it's translated for us. Yeah, that's good.

I'm glad, linguist, a linguist translated. The linguist. No, I find it funny how I feel like very often we've had these like, oh, like, hope no one tries to take her from me and I hope she better not leave me. Like, there's this whole thing of like all these tropes of like, oh, like,

no one, like, I'm gonna be so protective of her that I'm gonna make her not leave me like there's this whole thing of like all these tropes of like oh like no one like i'm gonna be so protective of her that i'm gonna make her not leave like yeah i'm gonna keep her here forever yeah there's definitely a vibe there what what do you no offense to this guy but what do you expect from a alien warlord like you don't get the title warlord for like nothing who are you talking about no offense to whom the tyrant the warlord. Like, you don't get the title warlord for, like, nothing. Who are you talking about? No offense to whom? The tyrant. The warlord. Oh, oh, oh. But.

I don't think he'd be offended. I'm saying I don't expect more from this tyrant warlord. Okay. Well. So. I expect a better vocabulary, so. Oh. Because I think if he embeds the word, the F-bomb in my head.

True, true. I don't think I'll ever forgive him. It is funny that on this alien planet, they're using F-bombs all the time. That is kind of funny. I don't know. I don't know. I have one more. This is a review.

A very quick one, but it was a good one. Of A Lady of Rook's Grave Manor. Our friend Esther. Here's a three-star review. The H in Esther stands for whole stuffer. End of review. What the fuck? What does the E-S-T-E-R stand for?

Don't tell me. I can't. No, I can't say that on this podcast. Stop it. I can't say those words. Stop it. Not in that order, at least. Oh, my God.

That was a one star? Or what star? That was a three star. Okay. So I consider it a positive. Yeah. Okay. But I love also in Goodreads that you can see their progress like of reading this started reading july 16th finished reading

july 16th 2022 okay but sometimes when you add your book in it just kind of auto fills that i'm not saying they didn't read it in one day uh wait here it says um started reading and then shelved on the same day then the next progress it says page zero at zero percent left a i guess this person left a note because you can apparently do that and says apparently all of my subscribers are monster fuckers noted and then it was like shelved in like different like categories and then finished reading wow wow yeah there's a whole uh world on goodreads of people who are following each other reading books together yeah it's it's so and that was i think what was so fun about this is not necessarily the smut aspect, but the fact that this can exist even for the smuts.

You read it for the articles. Yeah. I read good reads for the articles. You're just there for the community of it all. Yeah, exactly. Meanwhile, I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to make friends with all these smut readers. I thought it was so wonderful.

Okay. No thoughts, just vibes and monster dicks. No vibes. I forgot to mention that monster dicks was surrounded by sparkle emojis. Oh, even better. So we received an email from Emma, whom we had not heard from in a while. Emma Sheher Shrenda, as she always signs it. And she says, barely holding it together, comma, Emma.

So that was her sign off. But she sent a book called Priest by Sierra Simone. Uh-oh. It's called Priest, a love story. Oh, dear. you the little, it's not very long. There are many rules a priest can't break. A priest cannot marry. A priest cannot abandon his flock. A priest cannot forsake his God. I've always been good at following rules until she came. Then I learned new rules. My name is Tyler Anselm Bell. I'm 29 years old. Six months ago, I broke my vow of celibacy on the altar of my own church. And God help me, I would do it again.

I am a priest, and this is my confession. Oh, hell yeah. Sex on the altar? Okay. Holy shit. Tyler. I love that. Listen to this.

Just because it's like such a, I love these fucking things where it's like, yeah, instead of just like easing in, I went all 180 and just like completely abandoned my vowels. Hell yeah, Tyler. Okay, are you ready? Anyway, yeah, sorry. I know this is fictional. I'm just excited. You know how on Kindle you can like highlight something and then, I don't know if you ever

used a Kindle. It's been a long, I think think I had one of the earliest ones. When we were like, what are we supposed to do with this? The ones with those weird pages, black and gray, like the gray, and it fluttered. I don't know how to describe the shift of the pages. Yeah, I think it's similar still. Anyway, okay.

I don't know. If you highlight something on a Kindle, you can change the settings to see like – oh, my God. Oh, my God. Renee is calling me. Why is Renee calling me? She can feel it. She knows.

She, by the way, just bought herself a Kindle and was like so excited about it. Anyway, she's like, do you like the stickers on my new Kindle? And I'm like, what year is it? Anyway, so the – if you can change the settings to see like popular lines, other people have highlighted when they're reading the book. Got it. So like you can see. That's interesting.

Yeah. So here's popular highlights. That's probably great. Oh my God. Yes. I love it. Oh, Christina, this is so good. I wish I knew about this before.

I would have had so many. I don't want to read it. No, I'm proud of you for bringing this, Christina. Stepping out of your comfort zone to read your brother. Horrible. Popular highlights from smut books. Fucking horrible. Okay.

I'm so, I love this. Okay, so popular highlights in this book. Here's the first quote. Saved by 2,402 Kindle readers. One and a half inches of damnation, and all I could think about was sinking deeper into hell. But also, what's one and a half inches? Huh. Interesting.

Here's the next one. This is the worst one of all. I'm just gonna rip the bandaid off. I love it. Highlighted by 1,391 Kindle readers. 1,391. I can't do it. I was here. I'm not here. I'm closing my eyes.

I'm not here. Just pretend I'm not here. Pretend Blaze is in the room. No. Okay. I'm going to read it. It says, my little lamb, I whispered, you are so very, very wet right now. End of quote.

Okay. you are so very very wet right now end of quote okay i love that it's like okay this sounds like someone who went to catholic school and like had a catholic is traumatized and like because like the lamb aspect of it like that's so that feels so biblical and gross exactly what a priest would say so it's like fucking horrible but it has great like hey if you have this kind of upbringing in this weird catholic school trauma and stuff this might be good good for people i i can weirdly i i weirdly get it but the lamb bit that's so funny okay well i guess i'll read you the one-star review. Here it is. It's called Disrespectful, and it's by Carmen.

Verified purchase. This is not a sanctimonious Bible-thumping review. It is not meant to be high-handed or rude, but be clear. What? But. But, to be clear, I have a very strong opinion about this story. As a human being, I know that we all have urges and sometimes question the direction of our lives. I'm glad they cleared up that they're a human being.

I'm sorry. I'm already just like not on this person's side. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's just monster dick all the time. Yeah, true. Okay? True. I know a man who was a priest and a woman who was a nun

who left their callings to marry each other and have a family who to this day honor God very much in their life. As a Catholic, I found the story to be so very disrespectful. For me, the use of Catholic symbols for sexual acts in a sacred space was something that really lent nothing but shock value and anger to the story. Why are you reading this if you're a Catholic? That doesn't feel right. I don't know how you stumble upon this like it doesn't make sense like if you saw this you'd probably priest

a love story a guy who rejects his vows to the church i mean maybe they sincerely didn't expect it to be like they thought it would be that happy love story of their friend who was a nun yeah like maybe they thought it more like more in hallmark terms than like, like having sex on the altar and calling her a lamb. Oh God. Which I get like, that's what I'm saying. I,

the first thing I thought it was that like Catholic symbolism in there in that one line. But like, I feel like that's what the author was going for. So yeah, that makes sense. I don't know. I seriously wonder if Miss Simone is Catholic.

If she is, then I wonder if she maybe fell in love with a priest who chose his church instead of her and she is bitter now because of it. What? If she isn't, then how dare she be so ignorant to what is sacred to so many people. Now, I am not a perfect Catholic. I love erotic books.

I can cuss with the best and can be selfish at times, among many other sins. But to use what are sacred... How the, what, smut books or whatever? I get that and I get the cursing because there's probably cursing in this book. But being like, I can be selfish sometimes. Like, what does that have anything to do with this? I don't know. Maybe she's the nun who left the church and that's why she's so bitter. This is so confusing. Okay. But to use what are sacred religious symbols and sacred verbiage in prayer the way it was used in this book is simply sacrilege.

No, no, it is not okay to use holy chrism oil for anal sex. I can't do this. Hey, if it works, it works. This is horrible. Okay, I'm back. New lube market. God damn it. Okay, I'm back. New lube market. God damn it. No, it is not okay to use holy chrism oil for anal sex, and you do not use our words of consecration in sexual acts on top of the table of the Eucharist.

Not the table of the Eucharist. Have sex next to it, not on top of it. None of what this book displays is anything other than utter disrespect and ignorance. Just the fact that he's a priest who is struggling with his vow because he was falling in love with a woman is an interesting enough story in and of itself. So you're right, it was she was looking for like a more hallmark love story. Add to that the decision to actually follow through and have sex is a big damn deal. I knew before the second chapter that the decision to actually follow through and have sex is a big damn deal i knew before the second chapter that he chose to be a priest for totally the wrong reasons it happens there was so much potential to write a story that actually addressed a very different topic what are you

talking about you write this story then i know this person came in and i could see why they'd feel disrespected if that like you know, they hold their religion very close to themselves. But like clearly this book's not for you. Yeah. Like you can write your own book if you want and write that Hallmark story. There are probably so many books like that. I like how she's like, I want to learn more about his vocation to be a priest. It's like, why?

Like this is not what the purpose is. That's not what this is. As far as I know, based on that description, like, I just had to hear the description. I'm like, oh, boy, this is going to get naughty and raunchy and whatever. They're going to have sex on the Eucharist table. That was pretty clear from just the synopsis. That was pretty damn clear. I think.

There was so much potential to write a story that actually addressed a very difficult topic. The story could have gotten so much respectable attention and been a piece of work that wasn't just written to fit the label of romance slash taboo. Do I think that the Catholic religion is perfect? Absolutely not. I think the human element of any religion makes every religion imperfect because humans are imperfect. I personally think that priests should be able to be married. I don't think parishes need to buy gold chalices and bowls on the altar because the bread and wine are the body and blood of Christ. I believe that we are the precious vessels that make the bread and wine become the body and blood. There are many man-made laws of my religion that I don't agree with, but those are my issues.

This? This is something completely different. For the author to write a story the way she did is nothing short of insulting. I want my money back, and I'd really also like an apology. That being said, I am a grown-up, and I chose to read this book to the very end so that I wouldn't be forming a harsh opinion on an incomplete story. I can honestly say I gave it a full chance. Parts of it I really enjoyed. Yes, the sex was hot. Yes, his family history was

compelling, but the rest of it lacked so much depth of thought and actual heart that it was hard to even be happy at the end. I mean, seriously, two grown adults couldn't even control themselves long enough to get married without having sex? Wait a second. Are you serious? What kind of smut books are you normally reading that's what i'm wondering like i feel like she clearly came looking for hot sex so i'm like so but that's not enough they should have waited till what like modest is hottest like man honestly that probably exists i'm sure it does like that's probably so many books out there i just don't understand why this person ended up on this one. Me neither.

Of all books. And like, I guess in a way I feel bad for them that they like had to read it because they seem very like sincerely upset

but demanding an apology and stuff. I mean, come on. Come on. Two grown adults couldn't even control themselves long enough to get married

without having sex in yet another church? Whatever. I have never written a harsh review for a book in my life. I am an avid reader and friends with many authors. I beta read and read ARCs. I proofread and work with authors. A lot, just because I love books. This one certainly pulled a lot of emotions from me. Unfortunately, not many of them were good. This is one book that I will not recommend to any of my friends, especially any who would happen to be Catholic. End of review. Wow. And yeah, it's not for them. So don't recommend them. Good. Like, you know, I don't

know. I just feel so... Maybe it's because I was looking at these monster dick down party things like I'm like shocked at this review it is shocking because like it's not like oh I thought this would be like she said I love erotic books like I love sexy books but then this is not but not for the sexy parts well sort of but because of the symbolism and stuff yeah and like specifically the catholic symbolism far because it was like but not for the sexy parts well sort of but because of the symbolism and stuff yeah and like specifically it would be so weird if it were like about a priest breaking his vow but then like it had nothing to do with and being like oh but i still love god so

let's wait right and stuff like i want to be like that's not i don't think that makes for the best mutt books no maybe for this person so maybe that someone can write it and i don't know i don't think that makes for the best mutt books. No. Maybe for this person. So maybe that someone can write it. And I don't know. I don't know. I'm just surprised. Me too. I'm surprised. Because I did find out there are so many varying levels of different types.

Like I learned what an RH is. It's a reverse harem. Whoa. So that's what actually that monster book is. Oh, where she's's it's her and many male suitors who are like not all human ghosts are invisible yeah like so it was a reverse harem and like so people would say all right oh this is one of my favorite rh or this is my first rh book there's so much well what's an arc i don. That might be- I assume that was just an author,

like a specific writing thing. Term for, yeah. Like, I don't know. I don't know about that. But like, I don't know. I think it's hilarious that also in the, near the end they're like, in yet another church.

In yet another church. So they have sex in multiple churches, which makes me laugh so hard because it just makes it even better that this person's like, not another church, not another house of God. I mean, they read to the end of the book because they wanted to make sure they gave it a fair shot, which also part of me is like, you really didn't have to do that. You didn't. I weirdly respect it, but like also. I knew you would, but part of me thinks like, you must have enjoyed it to a certain extent if you're reading the whole fucking book.

You'd think. Because no one's making you read it. You're not a martyr. You don't have to leave a review. That is what I was going to bring up. It's such a Catholic thing. You're such a martyr. You're like, I read the whole thing to make sure I was giving it a fair shot.

It's like, nobody asked you. The author probably would have said, okay, you're uncomfortable in chapter two. Just put it down. Don't read it. Get your money back and go i think saying all of those things to like as if to excuse their views by saying oh don't worry i don't think catholicism is perfect and like listing out a bunch of reasons why it's not it's like okay but like that doesn't make your opinion more informed just because you also have you know like they seem to put in a

bunch of things to try to like make themselves seem yeah like put themselves on like a bit of a pedestal to pedestal to be like hey like i i i am a i am my opinion is extra valid now yeah yeah and it is valid but just also the anecdotal story of the anecdotal story of i knew a priest and a nun who got married. Yo! And they still worship God. Okay, congratulations. It's so weird. I'm so happy for them, question mark.

What are you talking about? They put a lot. Like they said, they felt a lot of emotions. I feel like they just put it all out there. So, whatever. I think my favorite line, if we're going to leave on any, is no, no, it is not okay to use holy crimson oil for anal sex. Okay. I always wondered if it was okay.

So I'm glad I finally have an answer to that question. Thank you. Like who? I don't know. I don't know. Like in the book, was there a little subtitle, subnote, whatever, a footer that said like, Fun fact. By the way, it is okay to use this.

Footnote. Fun fact. No, they just did. Running low on KY jelly? Yeah. sub note whatever a footer that said like fun fact by the way it is okay to use this footnote fun fact no they just did running low on KY jelly yeah go to your local fucking consecrated chapel

it was so weird okay sorry that was a lot I'm glad you brought it but you're welcome for just $4.99 you can get a subway six 6-inch Black Forest ham sub

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and play at chateau rosabelle their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Emma has more for us. This one's called The Ritual, A Dark College Romance. Have you heard of this? No.

Okay, this seemed to be like a big one in this whole world. This is by Chantal Tessier. So this is by Chantal Tessier. And Barrington University is home of the Lords, a secret society that requires their blood and payment. They are above all the most powerful men in the world. They devote their lives to violence in exchange for power. And during their senior year, they are offered a chosen one. Ooh. Yeah, a lot of these backstories feel very non-consensual.

Yeah, well, yeah, that's definitely a big part of a lot of these. Hmm. So, yeah, it contains dark themes. Okay, cool. The character's name is Riot, R-Y-A-T. I would never have guessed that spelling yeah riot and wrath should uh get together yeah this is wild uh depending on how riot smells what about zane or zade zade i think Zade should stay far away from everyone. Zade needs to stay away.

She is to serve and obey him. He will protect and own her. So that's what this is called. Okay, great. A lot of ownership going on today. Yeah. So this is a five star. So this is A Redemption.

It is by Fiona. Verified purchase. Rating five out of five. Spice five out of five. Dark romance. Secret society. Here we go. Okay. by Fiona verified purchase rating five out of five spice five out of five dark romance secret society here we go okay can I first start out by saying how hot riot is because omfg I am deceased I swoon melted and literally fried my brain from his holy hotness I was only a few chapters in when I knew 1000% this one was going to be added to my top favorites.

And did it? Hell yeah, it so did. My gosh, if I can just form coherent sentences now to even write a review, because all I can say is that I learned lots of kinks and valuable sexual knowledge from this book. The plot, secrets, suspense, I love it all. This book has stole my soul and will forever live in my forever. suspense i love it all this book has stole my soul and will forever live in my forever okay they really do they really have lost the ability to form sentences this book has stole my soul and will forever live in my forever riot just stole the show and might have become my number one

book husband end of review oh nice five spice so this is the last thing I have. It is, I called it a little bonus from Elizabeth. She, her, who sent it way back in 2022. Wow. Why did I bring this? One and a half inch bonus. A little bonus. This is called come for Bigfoot. Yes.

I searched our inbox for smut and it came up as Bigfoot smut was the subject You gotta do it This one's really bad Like I don't know about your monster dick Remember how I had that whole thing of like I don't know what made it to the final episode But me and like the whole porn episode

And not with county fairs Trust me the stuff I read In those reviews about these poor it will not come close like nothing we've said today comes even remotely close to the shit that i had to like try to avoid in that episode okay okay well i'll just then in that case i'll just read the uh the the synopsis this is called cum come for bigfoot it also helps sorry to interrupt but it helps that it's like the situation itself is absurd because of bigfoot you know oh it's absolutely absurd like that helps in case you're wondering this is um book one of the monster sex series i was wondering

okay great it has a 2.93 rating on Goodreads. Only 498 ratings and 96 reviews. So far. So far. Come on, people, get on it. Come for big. If you go, okay, this is what it says. If you go into the woods today, if you, you know that song, if you go into the woods today, you're in for a big surprise.

It's like these little teddy bears having a picnic. Ooh. Are you pointing at teddy bears right now? No, I'm getting a tissue. Oh, you're getting a tissue. I was like, who are you pointing at? No. It was like a song on TikTok for a minute.

And then I found out it's an actual like kid's song. And it sometimes comes up in Leona's like kids playlist. It's about the teddy bears have their picnic. Anyway. Okay. So it starts with, I feel like- It starts with that song. It's a dark way to start a book called Come for Bigfoot, but it says,

if you go into the woods today, dot, dot, dot. On a week-long outing in Mount Hood National Forest, what begins as a flirty, fun-filled trip soon turns into a nightmare when an ape-like creature kidnaps a group of teen girls with the purpose of procreating with them oh this story contains now i need everyone to buckle up and if you're with small children maybe it's too late now i guess buckle them up as well definitely buckle them up this story contains oral sex, forced consent, which I would argue is not anything. Yep. That's an oxymoron right there.

Penetration with a large object and menage a trois. All characters are 18 and above, even though apparently. When they say large object, do they mean Bigfoot's penis? I don't think so. Okay. Maybe. I don't know. Okay.

Here we go. I'll just read this review here's a one star this is by shelby and it has the gifs of the it has like sasquatch gifs in it okay just okay so i don't even know where to begin with this book first of all bunch of dumb teenagers go to woods horniness comes next bigfoot Bigfoot, a.k.a. Leonard, kidnaps three teenage girls to have sex with. His mom helps out, of course. Warning, if you read this book, you will have mental images that cannot be erased.

Okay. Now I have a redemption by Carol. Okay. Four stars. Title is, oh, by the way, read October 29th of 2013. This is called Four Stars. Another Halloween monster fuck story.

Star, star, star. I can't decide between three and a half or four stars. Star, star, star. It says, so what happens when a group of teeny boopers goes into the woods for a week of hiking and camping while looking for Bigfoot? Yup, every cliche under the sun, especially when the girls are hot and panty-dripping wet. Let's set the scene. After a long day of hiking for hours, the girls are sweaty and ready to get down

for drinking with their cute guy friends and a hot stepdad after they return from collecting firewood. Leaves rustle, a twig snaps. The three girls look at one another in fright. What was that? Are the boys back? All goes black. A bit later, wake up in a cage in the pitch black. Light snaps on.

And what? A little old lady with a half man, half ape, and wait. What is that peeking out from his fur? Wow, is that a yardstick? Or is that ape man just happy to see fertile women? Here's where it changes from the cliche monster movies. Ape man doesn't want to kill them and eat them. Oh no.

He wants to fuck them and impregnate them and fuck them some more. He wants to show them a good time with his extra long and thick tongue and monster penis. Will the girls still want to escape after they had a taste of Bigfoot? Will there be baby small feet running around soon? Pick up the book on Amazon. It's free. End of review. Oh my gosh. Will there be babies? I hope not. Okay. This is one of like 18 different of these books. Oh boy. I swear. And one of them was called like something that implied there were baby children. no yeah so there's a there's a this is a saga yes and i don't know if that's true um but that's what it implied to me reading between the lines

your understanding of the bigfoot uh the sex bigfoot sex series um apparently then the next series was called moan for bigfoot okay yeah what was this one called center stop it are you serious yeah come for big come for bigfoot then moan for bigfoot yeah in that order there's also a come for viking for a viking there's a lot of viking how do they throw that in there i don't I don't know. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Your turn to talk. Okay, because I was done. This was wonderful. Okay, great. I'm so happy for you.

Thank you, everyone, for... There's 15 books in this series. Don't you have a challenge to do? Yeah, yeah. No, thank you, everyone, for being here with us on that wonderful journey. By the way, the fourth book is called Come For Bigfoot. Let me find the one that said, I swear to God, I'm going to find it. Okay. Oh my God. No, it was translated into German.

Uh-oh. Come For Bigfoot, Buch 1 und 2. Oh, good. translated into German. Uh-oh. Komm für Bigfoot Buch eins und zwei. Oh, good. I can't. Oh, she's pregnant in this one. On the cover. Come for Bigfoot 15. The 15th?

Yep. That's when she's pregnant? What the heck happens between them? There's a whole tribe apparently now, it says. Oh my goodness. This is upsetting. Okay. Anyway. It is. time for my challenge okay so my challenge was from michelle and it was to find the oldest reviews you reviews that you can yeah

i'm excited so what i did was i went to a couple places i went to IMDb first and looked at classic movies because I knew IMDb's been around for a while. And this is a review here of The Wizard of Oz written November 25th, 1998. Isn't that crazy? Whoa! You were five! That's like 60 years after the movie came out. You were five. Yeah, I was five, yeah.

How many years after the movie came out? 60, I believe. Jesus. Because it came out in 1939. Holy crap. Isn't that wild? Okay, so here's a review. This is a 10 out of 10 review of Wizard of Oz.

The Wizard of Oz is the greatest picture ever made. I only registered to this IMDB thing just to say that. End of review. I love that. Isn't that amazing? Wait, that's so fun. They're like, I'm just exploring the worldwide web today. Yeah.

And I have an opinion on Wizard of Oz. They only reviewed that and My Fair Lady. So innocent back then. And then that's it. Yeah. And they were both in the same day in 1998, November 25th, and then never again. Wow. And they probably forgot they ever even started an account.

Yeah. Because their account's probably under like some Netscape email that they don't use anymore. So true. So true. Aw. My next one is of Jaws. Another 10 out of 10. It's from August of 1998.

Oh, my God. You were not five yet. Nope. You were four. That's crazy, yeah. Here we go. The title is A Classic That Never Forgets Who the Real Star Is. Do you know who the real star is?

What are we talking about again? Jaws. Oh, the shark? No, that's what I thought. Oh. I've actually seen that film believe it or not i don't think i have and the real star is the humans not the shark which is why the movie will be or at least should be the cutting pattern for all future horror suspense disaster flicks to come

director steven spielberg knows that although the audience gets a thrill from the scenes of shark attacks we really come to care about the three men who become unlikely heroes more importantly they work together as a team and use their brains to solve problems end of review what yeah that's what we all look for in a horror flick let's like learn about their brains and their mental capacity and how good of friends they are. And then I've got one more from IMDB. This is a review of Citizen Kane. Oh boy. And it's an 8 out of 10. I watched this on a first date one time. And there will be Citizen Kane spoilers, by the way.

If that's a thing. Still, I don't know. You watch it on a first date that's weird seems really annoying take one guess who it was you don't say all that um i don't actually know i think i know but i don't know because like who else why would the others like i feel like no one makes sense. Exactly. But okay. Some make less sense than this. Okay. Anyway, here we go.

It's Blaze's favorite movie. No, I'm kidding. Kidding. Here we go. Okay. I must admit that this is a great movie, but it is not excellent if you know one fact. Who Rosebud is. That one fact destroys the basic storyline of the movie.

It is still enjoyable, but not to that extent anymore. But don't call it worthless. Think about, what if I did not know who Rosebud is? What would I think then? It is an interesting movie then. I loved it, even with the knowledge about rosebud and the review what the fuck literally the whole point of the movie like they're like just forget who rosebud is because you know ruin the movie you know who rosebud is i don't remember but it's a sled it's

not a person right so the whole point is like this whole time you're like who the hell's rosebud turns out it was just like a symbol of his childhood. There's so much insight into Citizen Kane I'm not going to get into because I assume people are going to tell me I'm wrong. No matter what I say, some people are going to think that I don't understand it. I'm bored already. Whatever. It's boring. Good movie. Classic movie.

But that's the whole point of the movie is that the Rosebud is not a person. movie but that's the whole point of the movie is that the rosebud is not a person that it's his sled when he was a child and he's like this magnate now like on his deathbed all he thinks about is his childhood or some shit and it's like sled from like happy days that he had when he was a kid and this person's like that ruins the whole movie that ruins the whole movie i thought they were saying if you already know it in advance like like if it's spoiled for you, then it ruins the movie. So take it out of your head. No, I don't think so. Because it says, they said, I don't think so. Oh, maybe. I don't understand. Whatever. I don't think it makes sense. Yeah, it could be right.

Because they said it is not excellent if you know one fact, who Rosebud is. Like, the thing is if i watched it now i wouldn't think the movie's terrible knowing who rosebud is i would because i'm just bored of it yeah and you probably bad experiences um from watching it but yeah i don't know maybe i'm wrong i don't know um i think it's safe to say you don't have to submit to this reviewer's opinion because we don't even know what the fuck they're trying to say. So I wouldn't say you're wrong because I'm actually pretty sure that we don't even know what this guy's talking about. I should just move on. Okay.

And the next one that I have is a review of the first ever product sold on Amazon. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. What do you think it is? A book? Yep. Okay, good job. You got it.

I'm going to count that as getting it because you never guessed it. No, no, I know which one. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Unless you Google it, you don't know. No, I do. It was called Alien Tyrant, a sci-fi alien romance, Fated Mates of the Sea Sand, Warlord's Book One.

That would make for a much more exciting review. I'm sorry that I don't have a more exciting review. How to Win Friends and Influence People. No, it's Fluid Concepts and Creative Analogies, Computer Models of the Fundamental Mechanisms of Thought. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, it's by Douglas Hofstetter. Doug, how does it feel? Well, unfortunately, someone on September 26, 2000 was disappointed.

Two-star review. I read G, E, and B and had very high hopes for this book. I read a review of this book where it talked about the work he and his group did looking at analogies. And I thought, wow, this was going to be killer. and his group did looking at analogies. And I thought, wow, this was going to be killer. For example, this group wrote a computer program to solve problems like, what comes next in this series? 2, 4, 7, 8, 20.

And looked at things like, what is the Hackensack, New Jersey of Nebraska? Can you imagine now they have fucking AI writing entire screenplays and they're like, they built a computer program to decide what the next number is in the series, which is an SAT question we had to answer. What the fuck? This is so trippy. Yeah. What's the hack and sack of fucking what, Minnesota?

It says, what is the hack and sack New Jersey of Nebraska? What's happening? Parentheses, more interesting than it seems. No, it's pretty interesting. I'm curious. I am. I'm interested. Well, I think that's probably interesting.

They probably take a lot of demographics. They take a lot of different details. I'm going to ask ChatGPT right now. What is that? I'm not kidding. Chat, see, I already know. Oh, what is it? Who needs a, I was going to say who needs a computer program.

Is it Hackensack, Nebraska? In Nebraska, the city that is often considered most similar to Hackensack, New Jersey, in terms of its size and significance, is probably Omaha. Oh, okay. Interesting. Both Omaha. And then it gives me three paragraphs about how similar they are. Really?

Yes! Okay, that's pretty crazy. I know, I'm telling you. I googled that thinking, oh, maybe this is just a thing. No. I'm not seeing anything. No, I think the AI is just like, finally, someone's asking me this question. Right.

Questions. What changed Nebraska to Ohio? Akron. Fucking weird, man. Because that's what I was thinking. I was like, huh? Probably not one of the big three. Home to the company is like Goodyear Tire and Rubber and Firestone Tire and Rubber.

I mean, this is really wild. Okay. I'm kind of freaked out. That's kind of cool i have on this i fucking love the ai business i have so much fun on here i had it help me like organize some of my notes oh i like put my notes in and i was like can you help me i think it's a fascinating tool write this in a more like um it was just for personal use but i was like because i don't know the laws around that

but i was like can you help me like reformulate this into like a more condensed version and it like just fucking within seconds i had it cool guys it's cool shit man i love these i love these smart robots should i ask what comes after two five seven yeah two four seven eight twenty what comes next in this series i love that they had to build a whole thing for that and now we're just like yeah no it's kind of crazy the everyday person can just say like how quickly technology write me a fake erotic story yeah about meeting taylor lautner and it'll be like okay here you go sorry i don't know why that came into my head that That was weird. Yeah. Especially because underneath here it says customers reviewed items in your browsing history.

It also viewed, and it's literally all twilight. Yeah. From our episode. Yeah. Cause I, I guess I haven't been using Amazon much other than for that episode. Uh,

anyway. Okay. So hack and sack more interesting than it seems. And I touched this coffee cup in front of me on the table. Now you do the same to a person who might not have a coffee cup near them. Huh? I don't know. Should I ask the AI?

So the computer, yeah. Okay, maybe not. Okay. But no, that's like, yeah, that's apparently a problem or something. A thing of like, what do they do? Maybe touch your coffee cup if you're in the same room? I don't know. Hands off.

Go find a coffee cup? I don't know. Is this like what they interview when you're applying for Google? Yeah. And they're like, oh, we're going to give you all these mind benders. I know that's a thing, but I talked to Dee about it. Yeah. Because that's her job, had her do things like that.

Oh, God. And I was like, oh, shit, that's real? I don I don't know. You think, I mean, of course it is. I heard that. I didn't know anyone who had to do them. But yeah, I definitely read some of the examples. And she like brought them up to me. It was like, what about like horses racing? Like, which one's first or something? Or how do you know which one's? I was like, what the fuck is happening? I didn't, my brain did not work that way. And she's like, oh yeah, it's because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, you're going to need to draw this out for me. Like visual, it made no sense.

No, it makes no sense. Her brain was working so quickly. Mysterious ways. So mysterious in the best of ways. Okay. Anyway. His point being that analogy making is the heart of human intelligence. Oh. His point being that analogy making is the heart of human intelligence. So I settled down with this 400 page tome and had great expectations of many wonderful evenings ahead of me.

Forget it. The interesting bits in this book can fill 5 to 10 pages and the rest of the book is filled with talk about their computer program implementations of these ideas. After the first program is written, all the other ones are direct offshoots of it, without much new work, so it gets pretty monotonous pretty quick. Oh sure, to sit down with Mr. H and discuss these things one evening over beers would be amazing, but to have to slog through this book is not. If you really want a book that will blow your mind, check out Consciousness Explained by Daniel Dennett. That book is powers of 10 greater in intellectual amazement than this book ever hoped to be. End of review. Oh my lord. It had very good reviews so this book. It was an outlier this negative review. I'd say so. Is this like one of the top selling

books or just happened to be the first one? Just happened to be the first one uh only 65 reviews. But how did that happen like they only sold one book at a time or it was the first one just happened to be the first one uh only 65 reviews but how did that happen like they only sold one book at a time or it was the first one uploaded like to the server good question i'll ask chat gpt i ask them everything chat gpt knows i tried next i have have an email this is from uh shauna she her who sent in a review of uh the 2004 or sorry no a review from 2004 of the 80s made for tv movie desperate lives on vhs and says for context here's the log line A high school guidance counselor takes her war on drugs all the way to the local pusher. Oh, no, not the local pusher. Sounds like some Seventh Heaven shit.

Oh, God, it does, doesn't it? Yeah. And the cover of this VHS, at the top, it says, drugs, noun, like a dictionary definition, are killing our nation's most valuable resource young people and then it says druggie drug but like a dot and then gie like separated by the syllables i this is the most bizarre thing i've ever seen um anyway so here we go here is a review a five-star review it's by brad great tight flick this movie is tight it taught me how to deal with my first pcp experience i was contemplating jumping out of a window but upon watching this movie i decided against it ben if you see this email me at at brad22 at hotmail.com. Later!

End of review. Can you shoot me a quick email? Wait, was this on Amazon you said? Yeah, this was on Amazon. Oh my god. When was it written? 2004. Oh my god. A lot of reviews are like, ah, like, it's like a cult drug culture film now.

Like, it's considered like this cult. What's it called again? Desperate Lives. I think I feel like I've heard of it. So a lot of people are like, man, this reminds me of my childhood when they made us watch this. Like, ha ha ha, it's so funny. Aww. Yeah.

And now it's like we are owning it. We're the druggies. Yeah, we are the druggies. Your parents warned us about it. It didn't work. It didn't work. We are owning it. We're the druggies. Yeah, we are the druggies. Your parents warned us about. It didn't work. It didn't work. So I've got one more thing, and I had to bring this.

Lots of people have tagged us and things about this or emailed us about it. And I'm going to do my best to pronounce it. This is the complaint tablet to Aya Nasir. The complaint tablet to Ea Nasir. This is a clay tablet that was sent to ancient Ur, written in 1750 BC. Oh my God. I never even, it never even crossed my mind that you would read like old ass reviews. Literally the oldest.

I'm thrilled. Written in Akkadian cuneiform, it is considered to be the oldest known written complaint. Ah! I cannot wait. So people have like, this has made its rounds on the internet as like a meme. I don't remember. I don't think I've read it. Yeah. So it's, well, that's the thing is like, I'm going to read the content. It has its own Wikipedia page. So I'm just going to read what the content. So it's not like direct quote, but it like basically describes what's written on there. So here we go. What's written on there.

The tablet details that Ea Nasir traveled to Dilmun to buy copper and returned to sell it in Mesopotamia. On one particular occasion, he had agreed to sell copper ingots to Nani. Nani sent his servant with the money to complete the transaction.

The copper was considered by Nani to be substandard and was not accepted. In response, Nani created the cuneiform letter for delivery to Ea Nasir. Inscribed on it is a complaint about a copper delivery of the incorrect grade and issues with

another delivery. Nani also complained that his servant, who handled the transaction, had been treated rudely. He stated that, at the time of writing, he had not accepted the copper but had paid the money for it. So, the talot was discovered and acquired by Sir Leonard Woolley during an expedition in the Sumerian city of Ur from 1922 to 1934. Jeez.

And they even found like other tablets, including complaints about other customers not receiving their copper yet. And one that said that they were tired of receiving bad copper. So this place, this fella, I a uh had a bit of a uh reputation and yet it's officially recognized by the guinness world records as the oldest customer complaint stop there's even a lego recreation that you can like are you serious you can't buy it yet but someone like created it to like as something that they think should be like a fan-made version and you you can do it in like the Lego ideas and people can vote for it. So that exists if y'all want to look that up. I want to vote for it.

There's like a. Yeah. Do we have like the actual quote or is there not really a direct translation? I don't know if there's a direct translation, but let me see. Here we go. I mean, it sounds like the exact yelp review like the cliche yelp review yeah according to this so i do have a site that's claiming to have the uh the translation it says tell anasir nani sends the following message when you came you said to me as follows i will

give gimli sin where when he comes fine quality copper ingots. You left then, but you did not know what you promised me. You put ingots, which were not good before my messenger and said, if you want to take them, take them. If you do not want to take them, go away. He then says a remarkably modern phrase, what do you take me for? And ask why he has been treated with such disrespect. I've sent his messengers, gentlemen like ourselves to collect the bag with my money deposited with you, but you have treated me with contempt by sending them back to me empty-handed

several times, and that through enemy territory. Jeez. And then it says, on account of that one trifling mina of silver which I owe you, you feel free to speak in such a way, while I have given to the palace on your behalf 1,080 pounds of copper. How long is this

tablet? Jesus Christ. It's pretty long. This is a long Yelp review let alone a fucking engraved in a tablet. It says how have you treated me for that copper? You have withheld my money bag from me in enemy territory. It is now up to you to restore my money to me in full.

I shall from now on select and take the ingots individually in my own yard, and I shall exercise against you my right of rejection because you have treated me with contempt. Whoa. It feels pretty damning, you know? That is a doozy. Yeah, yeah. And the tablet is currently being displayed at the British Museum. Wow. Yeah.

That's something, Zandy. Yep, something else. The oldest review. I'm shook. I did not think you would be bringing an actual old-ass review, and I love it. I was like, because I don't know. It was kind of tough because there are so many, like, I don't know how to find. Like, even Amazon, you can't sort by date. You can't?

You can sort by most recent. So then you can go all the way. Oh, jeez. But you have to like scroll to the end. If you're looking for decades old. Yeah. But like it's hard to just find which products have old reviews. So that's why I did classic movies.

And then I Googled what the oldest Amazon product was. God, that's amazing. But yeah. And then of course, Shana helped me out with that amazing one of that Desperate Lives movie. So it worked out. But yeah, that's why I wanted to bring that other one, the final one, because I was like, hey, no one can complain about how old mine are if I bring the literal oldest. Yeah, you definitely completed the challenge. I mean, even when, I know we've mentioned this, but reading the Pompeii reviews when there were those like old complaints that are like, I went to this brothel and they took my money.

Honestly, that could be a whole episode of itself. Seriously, ancient reviews. Humans be human in though, you know? So true. Like, what do you take me human in though, you know. So true. What do you take me for? Some kind of fool? Things like that. Yeah. That was so funny. Fool me once? I mean, I'm gonna get

my own ingots from now on, you ingot. It's like we're not original people, you know. People have been doing this for so long. Same old, same old. It's so weird to think. The world keeps spinning round. Anyway. Anyway. Go spin for another week. Talk to you then The world keeps spinning round. Anyway. Anyway. Go spin for another week. Talk to you then.

All right. Bye, everybody. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Sheather. It's edited by Margaret Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White.

Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm. Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.