Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 25: DMVs in Phoenix, AZ

Episode Date: May 15, 2019

Get your sunglasses emoji ready, because we've got some "cool" reviews for you. We're reading the worst reviews of DMVs in Phoenix, AZ. Now imagine how boring an episode like that would normally be, and try to give this one a shot anyway. We end the episode with hilariously awful reviews of restaurants where customers thought they were receiving other people's leftovers. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, tyops, tim.kahn, and Carl Orff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good evening. And welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. The podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Alex.. I'm Alex.

And I'm Christine. Oh my god. That was awful and unplanned. No, it wasn't. It was not planned. I'm proud of us. We did it. Oh my god.

Welcome to episode 25, everyone. Welcome. We made it a quarter of a century. Good for us. Wow. We deserve this um you are listening this a week after last episode but we are recording this a day after we recorded the last episode yeah and the reason we're bringing that up is because we promised to read your reviews that matched the challenge that I failed at last week. Right.

The, what was it again? Where someone went into a veterinarian's office and was asking about human problems. So those are going to be read on episode 26. And I, since the episode has not released, I have not heard back from whomever gave us those jars those awesome jars of ideas for the topics and challenges so uh and you're using one right you're using it yes well i wasn't going i was going to surprise everyone but i guess not anymore okay but uh yeah i still don't know who sent it because the episode hasn't released so i'll announce that next week too episode 26 is where everything gets revealed that's where the game changes. For the record, it's not my fault that we're doing this.

It's my fault. Someone's out of town for like the next three weeks. I'm going to a red carpet award show, so I know it really sucks. Okay. It's really tough. It's so tough. Let's move on. It's hard, the life that I lead.

All right. So the theme you gave us last week was DMVs in Phoenix, Arizona. Who is that from? Um, that's a good question. Someone. Thank you. Whomever it was. Go listen to episode 24 if you want to hear your name again, because apparently we're not going to say it this week again. Um, my, see, here's the problem. My computer died last night, so I'm on my iPad and I feel like an elderly person. Oh, my computer died last night so i'm on my ipad and i feel like an elderly person oh my computer died so i have to use my ipad at my award show no i'm uh the last two things i googled were bomb and dmv in our email okay um well we just got thank you melissa i'm saying we've been flagged for a long time don't worry

true okay uh and i found out that in phoenix they after what when did they start flagging us geppetto geppetto sex dungeon yeah that's when they were like oh now this is interesting okay so i found out in uh phoenix some people call it the mvd yes is that the motor vehicle department i would assume so also like that's like in ohio they call it the bmv right bureau of motor vehicles they just i mean that's all over the place straight i just said dmv i didn't keep track of any of the addresses so mine are just from dmvs in the phoenix area same same and it was way funnier when uh i thought that they were spelling DMV wrong. And I was like, wow, this review is ridiculous.

They can't even spell. A lot of idiots, yeah. Okay, well, and then you had the challenge given to you by me and Allie, who came up with it, of finding a review where someone thinks they got another table's leftovers. Yes, that one was fun. But let's just go into our theme. And we're doing something

a little different for episode 25. Yes, that's because fun. But let's just go into our theme. And we're doing something a little different for episode 25. Yes, that's because it's a very special quarter bicentennial. So your treat is just that instead of her reading her reviews and I'll read mine, we're just going back and forth. And yes, I know it's not a quarter bicentennial. I don't know what it is, but I know it's not that. Quarter bicentennial. Which I believe would be 50.

50 years, right? Yeah yeah the only reason i know bicentennial is because of all those ohio license plates yeah when we were growing up on all the barns in ohio oh yeah as next to all the confederate flags and hell is real so i was just there and they have the hell is real the 10 commandments um my favorite is obviously, if you died today, where would you end up? That's a good thought. Okay. Speaking of which, do you want to get into DMVs in Arizona? Sure.

She's like pointing at me. She was airdropping a picture of herself with Gio and Juniper. The dog and the cat. It's really cute. I'm learning about my iPadad it is it is a cute one um support us on patreon because i'm posting this on patreon later i guess look at you i'm sorry i was really distracted okay i shall start with the motor vehicle oh motor vehicle Division is what it stands for. Thank you. In Phoenix West. This is by Keith. Can you say, Long wait?

Make sure you had a good, hearty breakfast. Also, bring a bottle of water. But don't bring anything that tells time. It will just make you mad. End of review. Okay, it was a useful... It's marked as useful. See? That was me.

So many people were like, bring a snack. I was like, okay, mom. Have a nice picnic. Okay, I've got one one-star review from Arturo. Okay. DMV. Nuff said. Doesn't matter which one you go to these people all hate life end of review

i like that after nuff said he just continued i know because apparently it wasn't enough oh man these were really a downer too yeah i found that they were a lot less of a downer and a lot easier than the post office ones. Agreed, right? Yeah, I like these. One of them said, move aside, post office. And I was like, otherwise it wasn't very good. We need a crossover episode, apparently.

Wow. Just all post office and DMV. Fucking spiral into hell. No, please, never make us do that. Sorry. You okay over there? Okay. I'm sorry.

Are you okay over there? Okay. This is from Rebecca, and Rebecca's photo has a unicorn shitting a rainbow. So in case you were wondering. I was. Oh, fittingly, the first word of this review. One star, by the way. Shitting.

Gross! Oh. Shitting would be funnier, though. I'll rewrite it. I'll rework it. I'll table it for later gross that's all i can think of when i relive my disturbing experience i had in that twilight zone showed up on friday around 11 didn't leave until 2 i sat there for three hours to be poorly treated by their poorly trained sloppy staff the employees at dmv know they are in the power of your time,

but that's all they have power of for the most part. Oh! I'm picturing that this person is like a little witch. Yes. With a stew. They have

power over time and they know it? Like, that's so dramatic. I don't think they give a shit they probably want the time to go quicker just like you do exactly they can enjoy their short lived power until they step back into the real world what are they talking about is this some do they see some fantasy land where twilight zone oh i love the twilight zone it gets worse i dealt with a big heavy heavy-set woman today, whose full name I'll keep out of this letter,

parentheses, C, star, star, star, star, star. Because I don't want my post deleted. This broad had the audacity to tell some off-the-wall stuff that wasn't relevant to my issue. BC, she was too concerned on when she was going to chow down her mcdonald's french fries and cookies not that she needed them oh my god yikes i hate when people are complaining about rude people and cuss bad customer service and then they throw that shit in there i guarantee you that woman who works the dmv said nothing

close to that to you and it has nothing to do with whatever the fuck she's eating. Like, goddamn. Anyway, one last paragraph. Basically, this establishment is dirty, unprofessional, overcrowded, unhelpful, dirty, dirty, and dirty. They should close this place down and throw the majority of their staff to the curb. Shout out to Rosa, who was helpful enough. Poor Rosa's like, wait, no, I don't want to be aligned with this person yeah helpful enough but obviously not enough but not enough not enough said enough said little short manager dude who's chummy with the two

heavyweights needs to give up his napoleon complex and man up end of review oh i hate this person and then at the bottom yelp was this review cool no not really it was a sunglasses emoji uh-huh that's how cool it was so that's that oh my lord that was ridiculous that would hurt my yeah that hurts that hurt my soul because usually like it's not fair it's like the same with post office where i'm reading them and i'm like yeah i would i would be frustrated too like if if i had to wait whatever many hours and like i didn't bring the right documents like i get that but also this is so inappropriate yes absolutely irrelevant to the situation absolutely and not helpful at least the other person said like oh here's have some snacks and there's they provided no useful information like nothing that they could possibly change

except firing everyone having all these people lose their jobs and stop eating so much yeah and they insulted everyone well also um what was i gonna say fuck oh yeah she was like oh uh she gave uh she gave me some off the wall nonsense that had nothing to do with anything and i'm like are you reading your own yeah exactly maybe it was like a um some sort of like art piece to them where they were like this review is representative of my time at the dmv no wonder it started with shitting. They definitely don't deserve that kind of credit. Anyway. Anyway. I have a one-star review from Ricky.

Great. The old grumpy dude with a beard at the front desk needs to go. Oh my. Actually, none of the workers there deserve their jobs. You know what Trump says. You're fired.

End of review. Now that is clever. Right? Bring that man on board. And it was from like a year ago. So it was while Trump was president. Not even like a reference to the, like literally like they just. It wasn't even like relevant.

No, exactly. That's what i was trying to say yeah oh my god what a dumbass like when you see the quote you know what trump says like you don't at this point you don't know what's coming next but honestly i did not expect a reference to the apprentice on there that's like refreshing to be honest yes yes let's let's try to let's like let's go back to a time when he was only known for that and his other racist and awful stuff but yes all right so here we go i have another review for you this is laid on me this is from dustin beware of the red okay so by

the way i like that they just specify all these people, but they don't really give their names, except for Rosa. But like, it's not going to get anybody fired. I know, but they probably are like, oh, they're going to delete my review if I bring out a specific person. I don't know. Beware of the redhead at the counter. She's very proud of the fact that she has worked there for four and a half years getting past the front desk to speak to someone is like punching yourself in the face and wondering why it hurts end of review thanks i hope that person did that

someone marked that as funny oh lord it was him probably that's maybe one of the worst things to happen to yelp those funny funny, cool little buttons. I don't know why they don't have one that's, like, insulting, racist. Yeah. Soul crushing? There's a lot of other options they could use. Anyway. We explore them all here at Beach Too Sandy.

Unfortunately. I've got a one-star review from Linda. Okay. Whose profile picture is a chihuahua with a sombrero oh precious no let's see what you say at the end End of review. I wish. Drove with Arizona license for 45 years. Moved out of state for three years. Came back, went to this office to get a new Arizona license.

The woman who was going to, quote, help me, barely spoke English. And she did not believe I was who I said I was. Oh dear. Told me to come back with a marriage license. I got mad and told her I was born here. You obviously were not. She told me to lower my voice or she would call security. How easy would it have been to bring up all my previous Arizona driver's licenses? End of review.

She's like, I showed her my profile picture on Yelp and was like, this is me. How do you not believe it? Come on. I look just like this. I've aged a few years and I'm wearing a hat, but. Yeah. It's just like, it's awful. Yeah.

You obviously weren't born here. God, I must suck working there could you imagine no i literally cannot that they're at the post office but i like that this person like they admitted fault but were still awful oh yeah like they were like oh they like it was like i got mad because because she didn't like the way that the process worked right so she got mad obviously raised her voice because the woman said lower your voice or i will have to call security which is seems like a reasonable response i would think so and yet this woman goes and writes a one-star review and mentions these things as though they're like points in her favor sad sad as donald trump would say, sad. Sad.

Wrong. Okay. This is all getting too much. It's all too much. Okay, I have one more. One star. Okay. This is from Danielle.

I would have given this place five stars if the chick at the front wasn't so rude. The older blonde lady can suck it. That chick needs to be fired. No wonder people have a complex about dealing with people at the DMV. Die in a fire. End of review. If you think that's okay to put anywhere... No, I know! What the fuck?

That's terrible. Die in a fire beyond too far like i think it's too far the one i just read and that one goes even farther jesus christ threatening their life and then her picture's like this like cutesy selfie i'm like oh my god i'm wondering like what i want to like watch like if i wish that each review had like a video of the interaction that they're reviewing that should be our tv show we could go undercover like undercover boss but undercover employee yeah and just like no that would actually just ruin my life yeah that sounds awful actually i already hate reading them sometimes. Yeah, let's scratch that.

I take it back. What's the opposite of TM? TM, TM. I'm TMT. Okay, I have one more, one star review from Jason. Great. The line begins to form before 7 a.m. The doors open at 8.

Is this a Motley Crue concert or the DMV? I love that it's like the go-to. Right. Like the fact that there's such a long line. Oh boy. Yeah, my go-to is like, oh yeah. Reminds me of a Motley Crue concert nowadays. Is this a DMV or a DMV?

Am I right? Oh, I hated that. Okay. Okay. I'm going to finish this review. Okay. Imagine the slowest, most agonizing death possible. Oh, well, this...

What's her name? Dying in a fire. Oh, my God. That's what Danielle was just talking about. Oh, well this, uh, what's her name? Dying in a fire. Oh my god, that's what Danielle was just talking about. Wow, they should get together. No, they should not. Okay. Add to that scene giggling teenagers and zombie-like civil servants and the waiting

for your number to be called as if you're at the deli at Fry's. All that's between you and waiting another two hours is a tiny slip of paper with a letter followed by three numbers. End of review. It's another fanfic. Yeah, absolutely poetic, right?

Ow! Jesus. I'm so sorry. Very poetic. Very poetic and should honestly end with a date with Danielle. Yeah. Oh, this could be part of our reality show. Yeah, that we just nixed.

But now I guess we're doing it again. Oh boy. Yes. Okay, so that's all I have for That was good. I like that one. my DMV reviews. Okay, your DMV reviews. No, you know what? I'll give you a one i know you don't like dmb so i'm gonna do that one day i'm gonna be like just one reviews of dmb albums happily

all one star okay i'll write them all myself okay so this is uh a redemption actually who knew that i would find a redemption for the dmv redeem them please this is from gabe who has 1800 friends on yelp somehow holy shit okay gabe has written five stars for the phoenix dmv i think i found my new hangout spot. I will definitely not mind coming back. I am loving the reclining seats and spacious waiting area. The only thing that is missing is free coffee, smiley face. End of review. I loved that review.

Now I do see why Gabe has 1,800 friends on Yelp. That's true. I don't think he was even remotely being sarcastic or like at all. I really don't. And he actually, look, I don't know if you can see this. He included a photo because at first I thought maybe he reviewed the wrong place. Yeah. No, he included a literal photo of the waiting room at the DMV. That looks very much like a DMV waiting room. And the seats are definitely not reclining. They're just plastic chairs. So I'm not really sure what seats he normally sits in. Yeah, but that's great. That's nice.

I want to see now I want to go to that specific DMV. I've got DMV problems in my life right now. Maybe I should just drive to Phoenix. Maybe they can help me with my California problems. Let's hope so. I mean, Gabe just really changed the game on us and it made me really happy. Yeah, no, that's... He was a ray of sunshine's i love that you find

those because those those definitely help oh good those definitely help i still sometimes think about the lady in her yo-yo right i was just thinking about that as i was like as i was like those definitely help i was like oh just like that lady with her yo-yo i love that lady that was so sweet i'm a 58 year old kid at heart that's so cute oh i love it she and gabe need to hang out that'll be my show tm tm tm okay at the dmv yes good idea good idea yo yo i can still walk the dog after all these years hopefully gabe gets his free coffee i was gonna say we can even bring free coffee and really whip things up i can't wait to read those five-star reviews of that interaction all right so it's time it's time for your challenge what did you bring to the table get it i forgot what the challenge was

the challenge was but now i remember to find a review where someone thinks they're eating someone else's food. Yes. Another table's food. Yeah. Okay. How'd it go? I'm curious. I didn't like try searching this. Surprisingly easy. Interesting.

Was it all Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, I forgot about the Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, well, no. Perfect. Because I bet a lot of joke reviews popped up after the YouTube stuff. Oh, I didn't even think about that. So I was hoping it wouldn't be. Hmm. Hold on. Okay. Okay. All that. So I was hoping it wouldn't be. Um, hmm.

Hold on. Okay, okay. All right. So I have a couple for you. Lay them on me. Uh, this one. This one was written by Kamal P. of Imperial Lounge and Restaurant.

Where is it? In London, UK. Ooh! Spicy. International. Went there at the weekend. Was given someone else's already eaten food. Found out that another table were given our order and tried the food only to find out it wasn't what they ordered.

The manager took the dish out of the waitress's hand and brought it over to us. They had covered up the eaten piece of fish on the blade oh my god that's awful disgraceful but a big thank you to the chap that came over to tell us what happened would give it a zero star end of review so that's a real one the person at the other table saw them take say this isn't our food take it and go cover up the fish and then go bring it is that horrifying yeah okay if you think that's bad here's oh god okay we're getting into it huh there's i have three this is number two this is a one-star review by rick of a hardy's in illinois i already know it's gonna be good we should just do Hardee's in Illinois next week. That's a good one.

That would be good. Subject, it's on TripAdvisor, so it has like a subject. Okay, yeah. The subject is, I'd rather eat cat food than Hardee's. My daughter and I used to eat there weekly. Then one day, our food was delivered to another table and rifled through by the patrons. They even ate some of our onion rings before they complained to the server. Then the server picked it up and gave it to us.

Jeez. But I refused the order. The server then took the food back to a table behind the counter. Another server asked what the problem was, so i told him i wanted a fresh order he agreed then just put more onion rings on the same on the same order what and tried to pawn it off as fresh what the fuck we walked out and left the food on the table haven't been back since i complained to hardy's district manager the guy was a total jerk he and the whole crew should be canned oh my god that's crazy the funny

thing was that they tried to hot they went behind the counter and then just put more onion rings on top of the old onion i just think that's so fucking funny like i they truly think that these people are so stupid and many of them are not with the reviews that we've read many of them are but i guess rick rick got him fooled rick knew he went there every week, so they lost a good paying customer. Okay, I have one final review. Can I address something quick? Absolutely. Is Hardee's a place where you sit down?

I think it's like a... I thought it was like Hardee's and Carl's Jr. were like the same chain. In my mind, they were both like just fast food. You can say it down, right? But like they said the server brought them the food. And the server was at fault for that. I've literally never been to a Hardee, so I don't know. I've only been in drive-thrus, so never mind.

Maybe they went up to give it to them, and then they were like, oh, that was theirs. I don't know. This is why we need that video. We need it. TM, TM, TM. Okay. This is a review of a five guys by david and it comes with a picture and since it's on my ipad i will show you the picture

after i read the line they get well this is okay sorry this is also a twist on the theme so okay close enough i figure they gave my food to someone else so now i'm here eating peanuts and ketchup i'm so angry this picture she's showing me like little baskets of peanut shells a thing of ketchup literally eating peanuts and ketchup and they're eating the peanuts and ketchup and it's just like that's it what's that thing in the bottom looks like a used diaper it's a napkin oh peanuts and ketchup are a notoriously messy dish yeah but that's it that's like just a picture

of a bunch of peanuts and like i mean eaten peanuts eaten which is what i really wanted to see eaten ketchup and it says i'm here eating peanuts and ketchup. I'm so angry. I'm like, this is the kind of person you need to watch out for. Yeah. Flag that person. Yeah. They might go postal.

Postal. Peanut-tal. Nope. Nope. Legumal. Legumal. That doesn't work either. All right.

So those are my challenges. Five guys and their peanuts. Oh my gosh. Gosh. Well, that was wonderful okay good work I had fun with it yeah that was a good one

I can't wait for the veterinarian ones to come in I hope you guys find some I really hope so too I hope they pull through and see now we gave them another week to do it yes

good so yeah email those to us at our email beach2sandy at gmail.com and put the subject veterinarian review in there and we might read it in episode 26 or put i'd rather eat cat food than hardy's

no don't do that you just want you just want me to get annoyed reading through these yes okay well whatever do what you want i don't really care that much but one thing i will say is that you can follow us on social media at beach to sandy and you can also leave us a five-star review on apple podcast oh you could do that it's it's a great thing to do you know who did leave us a review who molly yaya oh not molly yeah yeah and it's titled funny and helpful okay oh and not cool though oh no no i wouldn't mark this as cool just helpful and funny okay i discovered this podcast through the and that's why we drink subreddit not long after i left a one-star review on a dry cleaner oh yes after listening to a few episodes i was self-conscious and went back to edit all the cliches out of it thanks christine and alex for making me a better

review writer and a review rated one star thankfully we got five stars even though that dry cleaner got one thank you molly yeah yeah uh yeah thank you so much and everyone who feels shame for the way that they wrote one star reviews before good be like molly ayah own up to it change it and i hope i never did that i don't appreciate that no i know how i i've read both of your reviews that you've read on okay don't on yelp about like oh this tire they only charge me20 to fix my tire smiley face. So great. I love that place. Yeah.

Anyway, thank you, Molly. And thanks to everyone who writes reviews. We'll read another one next week. Yes. But now, how about we reveal the theme and challenge for next week? Please do. I have a theme for you. What's that?

It is parks in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ooh. They have a lot of them. Parks in Milwaukee. Yes. Okay. They have a lot of them. Parks in Milwaukee. Yes. Okay. I'm going to Madison tomorrow. Oh, tell them I say hello.

I'll check out the parks and eat some cheese curds. Yeah. And one thing, I don't know if Madison is the same way, but I know in Milwaukee they say bubbler instead of water fountain. So just be wary. Very Midwest thing. Yeah. Be wary.

I will be. I shall be. Uh oh. She's grabbing grabbing she's grabbing her candle i'm pulling out the jar oh my god the jar full of challenge ideas from insert name here in editing this uh it smells lovely because i really do think this was a candle before okay Okay. I hope this is the thing. I think this is the challenge jar. I bet everyone loves this sound. Ambient sound. Okay.

She got a long piece of paper out. Let's see what it says. Oh, that's the same one as last time. Oh. That's weird. Okay. Oh, this one's also very, very long. Find a positive review in which the reviewer makes claims of a conspiracy.

Oh. Does that work? That can be juicy. Yeah. How about just a review? It doesn't have to be positive. Yeah. I like that.

I feel like it could be funny either way. Yes. Okay. Find a review in which the reviewer makes claims of a conspiracy. That'll be fun. That's fun. Just search lizard people. Yeah.

I mean, we kind of got that, like, someone close to that last week with the Clinton review, the random one on the postal thing. Oh, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just going to go through all the national monuments and the White House. Oh, reviews of the White House. I was just thinking that, too. Oh, this is going to be juicy.

Oh, I like this. Okay, I like this a lot. This is going to be is gonna be fun you're fired thank you insert name here in editing i feel bad because i'm pretty sure they wrote a card but it was all backstage together and i didn't oh didn't put two and two for the record it wasn't me i know it was my fault yep it's all keep these out now yeah we don't need them now we have audio evidence all right everyone thank you so much for listening we cannot wait to talk to you next week we cannot wait and we will do that soon after i come back for my fancy award show okay okay end this and cut cut i'll airdrop you some pictures okay bye everyone bye you