Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 27: Ghost Tours in New Orleans, LA

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

Welcome to our morning morbid show with morning joe. In today's episode, we're taking you on a very bumpy ride through New Orleans. Please refrain from peeing or exposing yourself, no matter what we say in the show. After we give you the rundown of the debauchery of ghost tours, Christine talks about lost corpses and Disney World. Just listen if you want any of this to make sense. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, Thejack288, and tyops.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good morning, America, and welcome to Beach, She's Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your host, Christine. And I'm your other host, Alex. Welcome.

Good morning. Good morning. Having my good morning, Joe. Yeah, cup of Joe and... The smooth sounds of our voices. I my good morning Joe. Yeah, cup of Joe and uh... The smooth sounds of our voices. I can't do this. I can. I haven't had my Joe, so I can't do this.

Me neither. I feel deranged. You look like it too. Welcome everybody, I am still in my pajamas, Alexander made me record in the morning. Because... Why did I do this again? I don't fucking know. We'll figure it out. Hopefully it means for a great episode.

It better be a good reason because I am sleepy. Okay. Well, let's see. What have we been up to thinking about? We've been thinking about ghost tours in New Orleans, Louisiana. That's our theme. Thinking a lot about the theme of ghost tours in Louisiana. And then my challenge was to find a review of a mortician

where they lost the body. How'd that go? I'm really pissed about that one. Oh, really? Yes. Okay. Well, blame the candle. I do blame the candle.

That I picked the piece of paper out of. I blame Nurse Kelly for that one. Don't forget her boyfriend. And her boyfriend. Okay, cool. So I guess we don't have any announcements, do we? Well, we released that video, so that video's out. Go check the video. It's of Alexander's bowl cut. It's me getting a bowl cut. It's me cutting the bowl cut. It was bad. It was actually quite bad. It was an experience that

I never want to do again, believe it or not. I don't know if you could tell if you watched the video already. I also never want to do again, believe it or not. It's an experience. I don't know if you could tell if you watched the video already. I also never want to do again. Even though it was quite hysterical. Yeah. Well, people seem to enjoy it. So we might read some comments from that video. Oh, that's fun.

After we get through the challenge. Okay, okay, okay. Just maybe. I have not seen any of the comments, so. Oh, good. So that'll be perfect. Okay. So you have more reviews than me, so you go first.

Yeah, I'll go ahead with my first review of a ghost tour in Louisiana. I sit back and enjoy my morning joe. Okay, this first review is a one-star review from Vic of Famous French Quarter Ghostbuster Tour. I have never heard of that. There were quite a few i guess you're right ones waste of time and money there are so many others doing same tour and all doing one thing making us fool stay away end of review making review. Making us fool. Making us fool.

It's definitely the ghost tours that are doing that. Right? What's their name? Vic or famous French Quarter Ghostbuster tour. Vic. Vic. Nobody can make you fool without your consent is what I always say. Yes, true.

That's what Eleanor Roosevelt said. Nobody can make you fool without your consent. Very famous magnet. They actually responded. I didn't screenshot the response, but they basically said, we don't see your name in our itinerary anywhere, so we're questioning whether or not you actually took our tour. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did they accuse them of being um a competing company i think this was a company that did it about a thousand times for different reviews there was one business or at least a business owner that kept yeah responding to these comments and was so pissed god what was her name sydney yes oh my god sydney oh i have some i didn't even screenshot any said sydney and i remember the name sydney i have far out i have a sydney one we're gonna get there oh my god okay that's something to look forward to guys because it was batshit i was like reading these i'm like come on they actually gave some valid points and like at first the first one i saw was like oh yeah justice sydney's getting them for like them. Right.

Like giving a crappy review. And then as I was going through, I'm like, oh, Sydney, no. Sydney, honey, stop. Please. Well, there was, uh, there were some times where she was like, you know what? I bet you this is, she would like start writing in capital letters at some point. Like she would just lose it and just start writing in caps and being like, you're a competitor and I know it. I feel it in my bones and then the person was like

she's like why would you say you're from montgomery alabama and they're like because i am from visiting new orleans like i don't understand the accusation here it's just so weird like oh all of your reviews are within new orleans so therefore you must be a competitive and it's you must be a competitor. It's like, no, maybe they just live in New Orleans. Or maybe they went on a trip and were like, wow, I have some things to say. This is the first time I'm defending these reviewers, I think. Or maybe they're a competitor.

Well, maybe, yep. Trying to bring Sydney down. True. I should sometimes maybe give Sydney the benefit of the doubt. We should never do that. Overall, it was a little hard to do that. Awesome. So let's go into whatever you have.

What's next? So the first one I have is a review of the tour I did, which is, I think, actually, you know what? I don't remember. There were so many. There were so many. They all kind of sounded the same. What was crazy is how many reviews they had. Oh, like thousands.

They had so many reviews. It was insane. But they were mostly five-star reviews yeah so like some it had like one one-star review and like 400 five-star reviews i found one that didn't and it was about like a horse carriage haunting or something and i was like i do not understand this weird well there was there's another thing i can like that i can liken that to. Having no low reviews and all five-star reviews. This podcast. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. Review us on Apple Podcasts. What you can liken. I thought you said what you like, and I was like, yeah, I like it too.

I think I did say that, and then I corrected myself. Great. I'm trying to advertise our own podcast on our podcast. Stop making fool of me. Okay. This is by Let's Go 1212. Oh, yeah. This is a one-star review of the New Orleans Ghost, Voodoo, and Vampire Tour.

We were left. We rushed from our flight to make this 8 p.m. tour. And although it started off fine, we were advised about an hour into it to take a break, get a drink, or grab a snack, she says. Well, we decided to grab a snack. I specifically asked what time to be back, and she said 9.15 p.m. Well, we returned to the same corner at exactly 9.20 p.m. I can't be real and could not find our group anywhere they were nowhere to be found this was our first night and really ruined it for us

end of review please tell me that someone responded to that nobody like i wish the public could respond to that sydney would have something to say and i don't wouldn't blame her for that one that That's ridiculous. Okay, first of all, I thought it was ridiculous when they're like, we rushed from our flight. Like, you're just like. That's really dumb, by the way. If you plan it that way, that's not a good idea. That's not a good start.

I, like, reading some of these reviews, this experience sounds very stressful. It does. Like, large groups. People make it. You have to find your tour guide. Everyone's drinking on the streets. And a lot of drinking. Yeah.

And I think that would be good for maybe your second night once you're settled and gotten used to some things. Yes. PSA. PSA. Anyway, so that was super. That's really funny. I really like that. Okay.

So my next one is of New Orleans Ghost Adventure from Kevin. Cool. One star. They were very rude and unfriendly, especially this guy named David who works at the Center for Ghost Adventures Tour in NOLA. This is a very poorly written sentence, I think. No, impossible. Let me try again. This is a long sentence.

That's all it is. They were very rude and unfriendly, especially this guy named David, who works at the Center for Ghost Adventures tour in NOLA, hung up on me with an attitude. That was one sentence. Sentence is a relative term. I dropped the whole thing and was glad I didn't pay for the tour tickets. I don't think I'd be interested to attend in near future again after feeling awkward for what happened. I wasn't able to post without a star, but they still don't deserve a star. I forgive you for what you had done. And I hope

you both learned your lessons not to do that again to anyone else. End of review. They got weird at the end. They got they got very preachy at the end. Yeah, it was like a little much. What was his name again? This was Kevin. Love Reverend, Rev Kev, Reverend Kevin. Oh my God, that's probably it. It's gotta be a Reverend.

Rev Kev. Holy crap. Like it went straight from I'm disappointed to, but I forgive you. And that was one of the big ones. Yeah. Do you think this was the tour? I mean, I think it had like tons of roots.

So I don't think they really learned a lesson from Kevin. Maybe. I mean. It doesn't matter because they were forgiven. They can keep doing whatever they were doing. Because they were forgiven. Forgive, but don't forget Kevin. Oh, there's no way Kevin could forget what happened.

He was hung up on. I think that was, like, now that I think about it, I think that's the only thing that happened to them. That someone hung up on him? Yeah. I mean, not someone, David. They hadn't even paid for the tickets yet, so it's not like they lost any money.

Aye, aye, aye. Anyway. And they felt awkward. Did you read any, me too, David, me too. Or Kevin. Okay, so, did you read any of the reviews by the Gator? It was like Gators and Ghosts. I'm like, what is a city?

What? There's a tour called Gators and Ghosts. Oh, no, that sounds great. I don't think I did. A lot of people, I didn't find like a good one to read, but I just wanted to put it into the universe that a lot of people reviewed that they didn't see enough Gators. And then the response is always like, we can't control when there are Gators. That's hilarious. When there aren't. And they were were like all the gators we saw were really small they're like okay that is ridiculous um remember when we went on a an airboat tour in florida and the everglades yeah that was cool

that was do we see that was fun i don't know probably i've seen them since then we went to that crazy photoluminescent yeah underwater thing that was in like puerto rico right i was gonna say the philippines it was not in the philippines i've never been to the philippines i was like it was a very cool country nope it was puerto rico okay the u.s is a cool country i have not had my coffee yet uh yeah um that was really cool though it was like all this underwater it's a very niche thing but i want to read reviews of those like we were on a like a kayak and you look down that's what it was plankton or geodesic domes

okay guys i'm so sorry don't make don't make fool of me um okay so this is from gary um oh shoot oh this is a sorry this is new orleans ghost adventures tour which i believe is sydney's that's the one i just read from yeah i think that's sydney's company i don't think so i think sydney's was haunted history tour wait no i don't know maybe i'm wrong Sydney's company. I don't think so. I think Sydney's was Haunted History Tour. Wait. No, I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't matter. I don't remember.

But anyway, New Orleans Ghost Adventures Tour. This is from Gary, two stars. This was my wife's and my second ghost tour. The other was much better. The problem was the guide, a guy named DJ. He should have been telling stories, but he kept going all over the place with extraneous information. Worst of all,

he had that kind of millennial false virtue that you see so much of. He bad-mouthed the Catholic Church. Shame. Shame. Shame. Now, I just hear dad listening like, well, what? I don't understand. That's terrible. Just kidding, dad. I hear Kevin saying, we forgive you. Rev Kev. We forgive, we don't forget. All those Catholic reverends. Now, we all know that the Catholic church has

a very, oh, by the way, we're still talking about the Catholic church. Now, we all know that the Catholic Church has a varied... Oh, by the way, we're still talking about the Catholic Church. Now, we all know that the Catholic Church has a varied and sometimes awful past. Well put. And present. And present, thank you. But did he have to make his first comment on the church be about child molestation? BTW, I am not catholic thanks gary i don't understand why he would stand up for the catholic church

if he's not catholic yeah this seems like what's the point why would you go online to write a review a one-star review or two-star whatever it, in order to defend the Catholic Church. Oh my gosh. Could it be? Sydney? She's the one going through everyone else's sites and writing bad reviews about them? Oh my gosh, maybe. Could it be the Holy Spirit? Oh. Yeah.

Shit. Suck on that. Don't say that when the Spirit is in there, when the Trinity is in the room. Yep. They appeared once we started talking about ghost tours in New Orleans. You've summoned us? Yeah. But what?

I can't get over. Is that over? No. Oh, sorry. I'm ready to go on a tangent. Okay. He liked talking about racism. That's part of the review.

Yeah. That's the next paragraph. You're not saying Gary liked talking about racism. No. That was part of the review you're not saying Gary liked talking about racism no that was part of the review put the music under there because I remember there was one tour that was maybe that one that was like part of it was like about racist past

yeah and they go to a place that I mean every tour I did they talked about the slavery in New Orleans because it's like such a big part of the history yeah he liked talking about racism lots of millennials do They talked about the slavery in New Orleans because it's such a big part of the history. Yeah. Okay. He liked talking about racism.

Lots of millennials do. It gives them a chance to show off their virtue. Gary's such an asshole. How dare they? How dare they? How dare millennials care about racism and child molestation? Racism has a varied and sometimes awful past, but it's okay. We should just stop. Why should his first comment about racism be

about how awful it was? Yeah, I don't know. Is, I don't know. I'm like, this is just so bad. Ready? Okay. DJ obviously thinks he is a great guide. I disagree. He is the first tour guide I've ever stiffed.

I'm usually a generous tipper, but our group of four just dropped out of the tour before it was over. Good. He doesn't want your fucking money, Gary. Gary. So DJ, maybe it's time, you being an adult male in your 30s, to find an actual career and get on with your life. You are too old to be doing this and not good enough at it to be an asset to your company on with your life. You are too old to be doing this and not good enough at it to be an asset to your company. End of review. I hate Gary so fucking much. Gary is such a dickhead.

There was absolutely nothing good about that. What a dickhead. That was awful. You know. That makes me really mad. He just was looking for things to say about millennials. Millennials. Yeah.

Having trouble sipping her her joe who goes to a ghost tour and then complains about millennials like what do you expect i feel like that's a very like become such a new world in like a city where everyone's drinking and having fun and partying having fun you don't belong there gary gary. You're a square. You're such a square. Got him. Got him. Got him good. Oh, ow, burn. Pew, pew, pew. Okay.

God. Maybe we should record this early more often. He liked talking. It's not even that early. We started at 10.30 a.m. He liked. I was hoping you wouldn't say that because I wanted it to sound like we had to get up at five. We acted like we did. Yeah.

He liked talking about racism. Lots of millennials do. If you can say that, like, as a negative, then there's definitely something wrong with you. You need to do some introspection and think about what you've done in your life. I don't have high hopes for Gary. No. To do that. Yeah, that's true.

All right. Okay, mine is another one from New Orleans Ghost Adventures. Is that the one you just did, too? Yes, it is. By the way, I went into it only doing Google reviews, and she did TripAdvisor or Yelp. Yep. So we did not come across the same reviews. Yes.

So these are all new to the other person. Unless they copy-pasted them into the screen. Yeah, that's true. Sometimes they do that. I did think's true. I did think about that. I did think about that. Okay, this one is from Susan. One-star review. I'm born and raised in New Orleans

and took this tour on Halloween night, 2016. This was the absolute worst experience I have had in New Orleans. Oh, my. The tour guide used curse words. Oh, shit. Was it DJ? It might have been. F Orleans. Oh my. The tour guide used curse words. Oh, oh shit. Was it DJ? It might've been.

F-bombs. No. Every other word. Oh no. It definitely wasn't a leisurely pace. I'm a fast walker and had trouble keeping up. Okay, Susan. We had 50 people in our group.

Way too many. The tour guides didn't even dress up to fit the occasion. He wore shorts and a shirt. He didn't even take his shirt off for the occasion. I know. I wonder what the heck DJ was talking about.

I will never use this company again. I will use the other companies that I used before and had fabulous experiences. I thought I'd try out this company. Never again. Folks, please use another company to have a great time. End of review. Susan, you're a kook. These millennials using F-bombs. I mean, it sounds like sounds like wearing shorts and shirts the end of the world as we know it it's it's it's crazy out there wearing shirts it's crazy

and cursing could you believe it about the catholic church back in the 60s like you would never catch someone dead wearing a shirt no oh my god no no especially because back then the church didn't have a varied and awful past it was just all good yeah smooth sailing smooth sailing all right my turn yeah go for it so this is uh my well no okay here's the thing this is a long journey we're about to go on this is the end of mine but this is a long journey. So this is about Sydney's company. And I don't remember, I didn't write it down, but it's some company.

Don't go looking for it, guys. Please don't tell Sydney we're doing this because she's going to unleash herself on us and we don't need that. And also, I've never been in that position where I have to respond to these reviews. And I can't say I would handle it well. Well, I mean, we've gotten some bad emails and reviews for my other show. say i would handle it well well i mean we've gotten some bad emails

and reviews for my other show i don't handle it well i mean i get angry and then i get sad and then i cry and then it's just not good yeah it's not good it's not okay this is greg's review so here's the thing greg's review it's updated review. And I don't have, I looked everywhere for the original. Yeah, they just like removed it. And rewrote it. Yeah. But from this, using context clues from his updated review, and then a response from Sydney, we learn what happened. We unpack.

We unpack. Unpack the situation. Yes, exactly. So I'm going to read Greg's first first and then I'll read Sydney's response. Please do. And to explain, this is Greg's response to Sydney's response. Whatever. Never mind. We'll probably figure it out. We'll figure it out. You'll figure it out. You're smart. Or just tell us. Yeah. You guys tell us what's going on. Updating to half of a half star that's a new one i think i like that updating to half of a half star due to sydney's professional response to show the overall model they support customer is last and

wrong rude rude tour guides who are not even from here uh-oh oh okay i thought they meant the country i think they mean new orleans probably New Orleans. Don't waste your money. The kiss wannabe guide was rude from the first minute. The entire staff was anti-customer and will kick you off for any problem as they determine as adequate. The tour was a bore and a bunch of BS. Don't waste your hard-earned money. So now you can see how the owner is and why their employees are rude. Isn't calling customers trash rude?

For the record, I think just about everyone in NOLA has been drinking. Your own employee said from the guy who signs you up to the tour guide that drinking makes the experience better and so-called spirits will be more visible to you. And I did not expose my genitals to the group. What? spirits will be more visible to you and i did not expose my genitals to the group what if i did you would have known that is for sure now i feel exposed to by greg god you're making a fool you're making fool of yourself at this point yeah if i did you would have known that is for sure the wannabe kiss look-alike was a dick my wife and i came up to pay i said is there a bathroom near here or a stop on the way or do i need to just use a bush somewhere your employee said and i quote put

your big boy pants on and hold it and if you piss on my city i will come to yours and piss all over it that drew shock from the other two couples on the tour probably his friends and they even said hey that is rude i said is that how you treat people who help keep you employed and by the way your whole city smells like piss there's homeless people everywhere he said you can ride on the other bus and turned and pouted the other employee asked if there was a problem and i said yes you need to teach your employee how to talk to people on the tour which you as a boss support people being drunk i was not going pee one of the other guests did which he was 50 yards down from the bus in a bush i waited for him and then heard you two off the bus. You are peeing. I turned and said, what? And said, okay, who cares? Thank goodness for Uber.

And that tour was BS anyway. We were fine, but your tour guide then kicked off my wife and my friend's wife, calling them out and telling them to get off the bus too. So yes, your tour is worth that picture I posted. We had more fun riding bikes, and the employees at Flambo's said your guides were not good guides, that even a lady there said she lived in NOLA 22 years and then moved away from there because her husband was in the Marines. So hmm. What?

So hmm. How did I know that? No, I don't understand that one bit. I'll read it again. Thank you. I can't wait to hear it again. Everyone was like, great. We had more fun riding bikes and the employees at Flambeau said that your guides were not good guides,

that even the one lady said she lived in Nola 22 years then moved away from there because her husband was in the Marines. So, hmm hmm how did i know that i went into this trying to unpack it i think it's just becoming packed like more and more packaged he's just putting more duct tape on it's not making any sense she said they just moved back and now she can get real furniture for once so don't make excuses for your employees i can see that they get the rude and disrespectful demeanor from their boss. I would say you are a professional business owner, but as per your own response, I can see you have a long way to go, Sydney. And don't worry, TripAdvisor and Google

Reviews are coming from all of us. So that's Greg's. Greg. Greg has some issues. Now, I just want to read this. It's just, it's much shorter, but it's Sydney's response to Greg has some issues. Now, I just want to read this. It's much shorter, but it's Sidney's response to Greg's original post. Okay. Which prompted the nonsense that I just read. Hi, Greg. In 25 years of business, I have never had anything like you on a tour. Our tour guides are not rude. And for the record, we owners are natives.

We are not anti-customer. We are anti-drunk and abusive toward our staff and other tour participants and reserve the right to remove people from the tour who are being disruptive. You are threatening our guides, making the other guests on the tour uncomfortable for starters, but this paled in comparison to your grand finale of exposing your genitals to 20-plus tour participants in the cemetery. Oh my god. So that was the original photo he posted. I thought it was a dick pic, so I'm glad it wasn't.

It could have gone either way. What an irony that you included a photo of our sticker in a toilet. I thought it was a dick pic, so I'm glad it wasn't. It could have gone either way. What an irony that you included a photo of our sticker in a toilet. I would have guessed that perhaps you were not familiar with indoor plumbing. That's Sydney's primo line. She should have stick to that kind of response. Just like clever and calm and witty. No more caps lock, Sydney.

You are an abusive, ignorant ignorant no class piece of trash in this state what you did is illegal and punishable by jail time and fines we do still have the threatening voicemail you left on our system not to mention what was picked up on the nearby surveillance cameras of your threats and what you did on that gravesite maybe some of your fellow tour participants captured your performance on their cameras as well. Give that some thought, Gary. End of review. Gary or Greg? Greg, sorry.

I'm like, whoa. I looked up to make it more dramatic and then I remembered the wrong name. Gary and Greg are probably pals. Yeah, probably. Exposing themselves, Catholic Church, like, you know. Man.

Just all of the above. Oh, wait, yeah. I guess they would not be friends. No, because Gary doesn't have a problem with it. That's true. As long as he doesn't use any F-bombs. Yes. God. And at least if he had a shirt on, we're good.

Oh, true. He took his pants off, not his shirt. Oh, God. Oh, sorry. So then this last thing that i have is um a review i found on so i was trying to find the original review because i really wanted to see the photo and everything but um instead i just found this really short one from michelle it's a one-star view on um trip advisor of that same tour that was posted the same day okay michelle one star do not waste your money toast is a joke we think he's a vampire because he sucks with a bunch of x's by the way oh yeah

boring i'm only doing one because they will not let me do a zero we should have went on the bus with the dude pissing at the cemetery that would have been more fun that's funny so i believe those are a crossover incident that's that's pretty funny though oh my god like they probably deserve that but that's a pretty funny one michelle's a witness not a very uh literate one but a witness all right all right you ready for I have two more. Okay. This first one is of haunted history tours by Scott. They're actually both of haunted history tours, but one star from Scott. Still on our tour, but we have three who are drunk. We can't hear the guide due to constant comments.

We also have another who has chosen to smoke marijuana within our group. This is a huge disappointment. End of review. These tours are full of squares, basically. He has chosen to smoke marijuana. And they're still on the tour. So they're like, I can't hear anything. Oh, he's like posting it on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wiley is typing that out. Dear God. Scotty. Dear Scott. Can you imagine glancing over at his phone and he's like writing about you? And like if you're smoking pot and you're like, whoa, and you freak out, you're like, dude, you're giving me trouble.

Yeah. Okay, and my last one is from Frank. This is a one-star review. I love your imitation of someone on dope. On the dope. On the dope. It's very realistic. Smoking dupes.

I can tell that you do it a lot. Yeah. I'm a doobie guy. What can I say? Alex Zinner enough. I should not have even. Yeah. I'm a doobie guy. What can I say? Alex Zinner enough. I should not have even gone there. I'm your doobie brother. Alex Zinner!

Oh, okay. She for madness. She for madness. Nobody wrote about that. Yeah, they did. They tweeted it. So many people tweeted at us, and I just liked all of them and then didn't respond. Oh.

Should we explain it? No! No, absolutely not. Okay. Well, someone did ask about it in the Patreon group. Well, then they're a big butthead. I was hoping someone else would, and I didn't check. Anyway, this is my final review of...

Did you call them a butthead? Because I didn't know what it was about. Be nice. No. No! You guys, beached you, Sandy, out of context is really funny, by the way. Yeah, all of that. I mean, it's things we say, so it probably is not cool that I think it's funny, but it's pretty funny because I don't remember most of this stuff. I like this one. Marcy,

salesperson, acted like I was going to take something, which I did. Who posted it? I thought it was Harry, but I don't see the post anymore about who asked about Schieffer Madness. I almost said the other thing. Maybe they deleted it out of shame. No, maybe it was out of someone responded and they're like, let me clean this up. And they just deleted it. But it doesn't matter. Anyway.

So, hi patrons. We do love you and you're not buttheads. Please, Christina, please. I quit my job. I need the money. Nobody made you do that. Okay, can I read this review from Frank? Please.

Thank you. One star. I was looking forward to the haunted pub crawl, but the tour guide, Drew, was awful. His stories dragged on, and he wasn't a good storyteller. He kept yelling at a group of girls that were there for a bachelorette party. Whenever they would ask a question or chime in with a comment, he yelled shut up at them. I actually felt bad. I've seen rowdy bachelorettes and this group was nothing.

I can't imagine how he handles others. Okay, Frank, I've seen rowdy bachelorettes in my day. Best part of the night was when they left. One of them came back to throw a drink in his face. End of review isn't that like oh i felt bad for them they weren't being rowdy and then they end up throwing a drink in his face i have a feeling that that was a bit of a rowdy group if that's what they decided i have a feeling frank is an undercover bachelorette member he's like i thought they were

doing just great it was super awesome did anyone see when they threw a drink in his face also they were very calm and polite like come on like that is not how you should respond okay and yeah oh you shouldn't respond by throwing a drink in someone's face yeah well and if you want to be considered not rowdy probably don't do that i don't know if that was their priority that evening to be considered not rowdy. So I would say they were probably being rowdy. It worked on Frank. Well, as long as it works for Frank, I'm happy.

That's all we care about. I'm happy. Cool. All right, you ready? You have one more? No, I'm done. Oh, I thought that was it. I mean...

It is? No, I said I have two more, i read two got it okay do i have to do this why guys this was rough dude can you tell them my challenge again oh well if i remembered it i would no it was um a review of a mortician where the mortician lost a body guys tell us first of all there's a couple things first of all the word lost definitely has a different meaning when it comes to uh funeral services what does that mean losing a loved one so it was not easy to search for unless i was just looking for i lost my dad on for you know two weeks ago, or I lost my grandmother. Oh, that's probably really depressing, isn't it?

It was very depressing. Okay, yeah, I'm sorry. Secondly, this challenge was extremely easy, so... What? That's disconcerting. Are you serious? Oh, yes. You very much set it up as if, like...

No. Are you kidding me? I feel really weird about death and dying now. Not that I didn't before, but I've had to really face some weird shit that goes on once your body has... Oh, my Lord. Once your soul has gone up to see Jesus or the Trinity or, you know, whatever the hell happens in the Catholic Church. The only real church, obviously. The only real religion to follow.

Yeah. That's surprising to me. I'm just rambling because I'm just so uncomfortable. And then I went, so then I did all these and I got some. And then I woke up this morning from just so many dreams about being in cemeteries and like people having died and i woke up and thought oh my god i probably need to call people be like is everyone okay and then i was like oh no i spent all night reading like mortician reviews okay and learning about embalming and all sorts of fun stuff well and embalming gone wrong let's put it that way well kelly and james um thank you for including this in your

gift so that she could end up with nightmares with this experience it's all your fault not mine all right so anyway i'm gonna stop boring you with my problems and yeah i'm real bored right now i don't care about any of this read Read about... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Give me your funny reviews, please. Read about all these people's very real problems. Okay. Okay, so this is a review of the Ortiz RG Funeral Home. Every single review I got is from this funeral home. Oh, fuck.

Where is this? Detroit? New York. Okay. Detroit? Detroit had, like... They found all those... Okay, I don't want to like what is it don't

this is getting depressing throw shade on detroit now no there was a never mind no this was a google it if you dare just this is in new york um try googling it later guys it's fun so ortiz rg funeral home this is the lowest rated business i have ever encountered on Yelp. Is it less than a star? It has one star because I don't think it's possible. But 25 reviews and it's a one star. I should know by now that you can't. You can't. You have to give them one star. Well, I mean, unless you're Greg and then you can do a half of a half of a star.

Half of a half. Okay. So, it's just. There were some that I had to leave out, by the way, because I just couldn't fit them. Okay. God. This is a review by R. It's a one star. We'll see had to leave out, by the way, because I just couldn't fit them. Okay. God. This is a review by R. It's a one star.

We'll see if they're funny. They might not be. February 15th, my grandmother was not only put in the wrong room for viewing with complete strangers with whom I sympathize. End of review. Sorry you had to look at my dead grandmother. I sympathize with them for that. Oh my God. What is it god we just keep going here like i'm what amanda one star can't give zero stars so i'm

sure this place would probably have zero stars can't give zero stars but after the service they mailed me an empty urn empty mailed it just regular mail just in a paper envelope not what i paid for well no i wouldn't think so i hope not anna says martin the owner told her to do it that way why what kind of sense does that make to send me an empty urn essentially the ashes are missing yeah and they just put it in an envelope where are the ashes i don't know just send it empty well yeah what she what was that conversation she won't notice okay could you imagine you're like oh i'll spread this like a year from now and then you open it up and they're all gone you're like wait where are the ashes oh yeah you take it all the way to like

disney world or some shit that you're not supposed to do. Please don't spread anyone's ashes in Disney World. It's illegal now. People have done it. As it should be. But it's, like, a huge problem they have. That's terrible. People take them on roller coasters and, like... I'm not kidding.

I hope they go in the back row. That's all I'm going to say. I can't even imagine you're in the front. It's like, oh, a bunch of dirt just flew into my mouth. Oh, no. It's someone's loved one. Ooh. Ooh, no. It's someone's loved one. Ooh. Ooh.

Yeah. Apparently, it's a really big problem, and they keep an eye out for people throwing ashes. Fuck. So that's good. Love it. Love you, Disney. God damn it. OK.

This is a one-star review by Sasha. This is the last one, but they saved the worst for last. No. OK. but they saved the worst for last. No. Okay. My grandmother's wake was scheduled at Ortiz Funeral Home on 191st and Manhattan this past Sunday from 4 to 9 p.m. Upon arriving at 4 p.m., my family found an empty room. The body should presumably arrive before the family.

A few hours into the service, my grandmother's casket was wheeled in. No. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's so bad. This is so uncomfortable. It's so bad. I shouldn so uncomfortable. It's so bad. I shouldn't have done this at two in the morning. Upon opening the casket, we were horrified to find another badly decomposed woman inside wearing the dress my grandmother had chosen for herself. That's terrible.

Ugh. Ugh. My father went to a nearby funeral home where he was told my grandmother might be. She was not there. That funeral home directed my father to another funeral home. She was there, but they wouldn't allow my father to see her or take the body to the funeral. What? I don't know.

It wasn't until he, a retired police officer, called a few of his former colleagues for police escort that they allowed him into the basement where my grandmother was. I am so sorry, everybody. Please do not just be forewarned about everything else that's coming. No. He had the misfortune of having to see his mother naked on a prep table in a sweltering hot room he said that the men who quickly prepared her were very good workers on kind people sadly with little time to do it properly my grandma arrived to her own service at 8 30 p.m in a police van hair unbrushed makeup sloppy in a borrowed dress we had to throw the other one out. End of review. Jesus Christ. Oh no.

That was awful. Oh no. You know what the biggest problem with doing this in the morning is? What? The rest of my day is absolutely ruined. Yeah, well, that's what you get. Holy shit. That is terrible. Yeah, and also the bad part is I can't drink till, well, I guess I can drink whenever I want, but I'm not going to, but. My God. I'm going to need one later. I've never been this uncomfortable.

That one really, I debated leaving that line in there. But just guys, usually I'm on the side of the business, this business. I also pulled their Better Business Bureau profile. Yeah. They have an F, which I've never seen on Better Business Bureau. Yeah, because usually you just buy your A rating or whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah.

So, the F rating, with several, I mean, tons of complaints and reviews, so it's not like... That was, yeah. So they were featured on ABC News in spring of 2018. I'll read you that quick, a little blurb. Please. Excuse me. So this is ABC 7 in New York. Washington Heights, Manhattan.

There was chaos at a funeral. Oh, I'll use my reporter voice. I rarely get to pull out my broadcasting voice. Not even on your free radio show? Not even on my free radio show. How sad is that? That is sad. I remember taking a radio class in college and being like,

who the hell is ever going to need a radio class? Isn't that mean? That is really mean. And our professor was very old, and I was like, this is just a waste of my money. And here you are. He's laughing now. Leading into a microphone. Okay.

There was chaos at a funeral home in Washington Heights when families showed up for services only to find out the bodies of their loved ones are not there. In some cases, families faced an even more shocking and disturbing discovery the wrong body had been brought in there were four wakes scheduled sunday night at the rg ortiz funeral home and all four ended with families furious and then there's a whole thank you there was a whole article about like all the different things that went wrong and this family um was interviewed the ones that the police, the retired police officer who drove around.

That's why I read the whole thing, even though it was pretty awful, but it was in the news, so I felt comfortable sharing it. But yeah. Like we're not breaking a story here. No. Unfortunately, I didn't get to it. Believe it or not. I only got to it a year late.

But yeah, so that place and i literally that's terrible just google like i did the little site search and i was like this gonna be hard and at first i saw a bunch of like i lost somebody yeah but then i just typed in wrong body and everything about this funeral home came up good okay so they'd been been in the it's just this one okay well anyway that works sorry everybody yeah for that horror that you just had to handle you want to go from that into uh me reading some youtube comments about our stupid comedy video yes oh lord please okay so if you haven't seen it please watch it it's actually i i had a lot of fun making this one after the fact alexander got a terrible

haircut and needs something to redeem it. I need you guys. He needs to get something out of it is essentially the point. Yes. But there were some really great comments, so that made me happy. Oh, good. Jackie says, this editing is next level. Oh, God.

I'm impressed that king and queen of podcasting can do YouTube really well. Aw. Yeah. That's Aww. Yeah. That's precious. Yeah. I also took a lot of video editing courses, and yet you're the one who edits them, so I can't even take credit for that. Yeah, the editing was, potentially, it's probably my best work yet. It's pretty good.

It took me a while, but... There's a lot of weird shit that happens. Oh, it's weird. There's, like, green screen stuff. I don't know what he did, but... There's a lot of weird shit that happens. Oh, it's weird. There's like green screen stuff. I don't know what he did. It's weird, but it's... Every time he showed it to me, there were like new weird things inserted. I'm like, oh, how do you like this new thing that really just kind of...

I don't know. I needed it to break up a little bit more. And if you're still not convinced, there is a photo of me after I cut my bangs in high school. Yep. Maybe that'll do the trick. Maybe that'll do it. I'm tied in wires. Help.

Said. in high school. Mm-hmm. Yep. Maybe that'll do the trick. Maybe that'll do it. I'm tied in wires. Help, said. I wanted to like his bowl cut, but I would give it zero stars if I could. Also, never have Christine touch anyone's hair ever again. Hey! It was bad. It was, I really. I got in trouble, too.

To be fair, we knew it was going, like, we knew it was going to be bad yeah but the back the back okay was so awful well yeah i needed to shave it all off my head yeah um and also patrons um even though i'm a little late doing it um and by now like once you listen to the episode it should be there um but you can check out on patreon if you're patron, the video of me reacting to my haircut for the first time. Because I don't see it until a specific part. Oh, it's not good. I don't like that part.

Yeah. And I actually did not think it was as bad as it was. And then I saw it and I was absolutely mortified. I was glad I was holding a sharp object because I was really nervous. Yeah. So that video, check it out. I'm going to post it on our Patreon uh for our patrons and the patreon facebook group cool so okay

carrie k-a-h-r-e i'm not sure says i watched this right before driving for 12 hours and it's all i could think about for 12 hours zero stars for the, but five stars for the commitment it took to do this. 12 hours. I also thought about it for at least 12 hours, about how awful my hair was. I stopped thinking about it immediately. It kind of ruined my life. Yeah, so Hillary wants to know, how many retweets for Christine to cut her own bangs again? Oh, for God's sakes.

Wait a second. I don't like that idea one bit it ended very badly the one time i did it yeah i think the picture i included might have been the fixed version it was it was yeah when mother it was even worse before that it was uh marisol says was christine collecting the hair to send to patreon donors as a bonus foul but maybe will you will what do you think about that yeah if you're willing to pay if you're willing to pay for my hair pay cash under the table dm me dm me okay now final one i'm gonna do uh from baba gump shave a circle on the top and alex can be friar tuck in the local performance of robin hood oh it literally is what it looks like. It is so true.

So now if you're not interested, I don't know. We could put a little bald patch, like a fake one on the top. Well, it's too late now. It's too late now. Okay, you're right. For those wondering about what happened afterwards, literally that night, Allie came home from the bachelorette party. Allie didn't speak to me.

And was like, what the fuck? Like she was, she knew it was happening, but she didn't know it was going to that bad it was pretty bad so we were like uh blaze can we borrow your like um your razor like the hair hair buzz thingy yeah is it dumb that i don't know i don't know either to be honest and she just sat in the back and never done before and she just shaved it all off and like trimmed it up and then they all bragged about how good it was and i was like okay well you weren't tasked with cutting a bowl cut with a giant mixing bowl that didn't even fit your head properly okay okay okay everybody anyway so then it ended up okay so it works out pretty well so

that's all check out that video on our youtube channel um just search beach too sandy water too wet on youtube and you'll find us yes true um cool so i guess now do we do our little challenge review yeah okay once again we did not prepare so we're going to use the jars from kelly even though kelly really prepared to use that this because i enjoy this i enjoy it too i'm just worried about using them all up there's a lot there are like 50 also i bet you if i tell kelly to make me more she'll make me more or james or kelly and james i'm a little mad at them about this mortician thing that i had to go through but yeah that's okay i have one you do i do the first one happened to be one that said post offices and I think you got this before we did our post office episode.

Oh, maybe. Nice try, Kelly, but I'm ahead of you. Okay. Your and my theme for next week. Tattoo parlors in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Okay, that's fun. Tattoo parlors is fun. You want to hear your challenge?

Yes. Find a review written by an older reviewer that is based largely on Pokemon Go. Does that work? That does work. And you know why? Why? Amanda emailed us from Milwaukee because remember I read from that park. Apparently there is a legal, there's like legal drama in milwaukee about pokemon go which

is why there were those one-star reviews about the parks taking away the pokemon go everyone was so bent out of shape about that yeah because uh apparently another company with a game format similar to pokemon go filed a lawsuit against this ordinance that was in place to like stop the to remove the pokey stops or something and then the city had to pay like a big fine for it like there was a whole big thing um but they did say that they've been to lake park a few times and only went once during the peak of the pokemon mess and it really was a zoo oh my god so um every other time it was just kind of normal. But yeah. But they were Milwaukee native. So Amanda, she grew up in Milwaukee and had to deal with, see that firsthand.

Well, now you have to find another one. What do you mean? Oh, yeah. Another Pokemon. Well, now I have, I know Lake Park. That's true. Maybe I'll go back to Milwaukee. We'll see.

Could go back to Milwaukee. Anyway. Cool peeps. Thanks, everyone, for listening. Thank you. To our most morbid episode yet. I thought you said our most morning episode yet. Oh.

Our morbid morning show. Oh, welcome to our... Please, we're not doing... Our morning morbid show with Joe. With morning Joe. Okay, forget it. I'll work on it. I'll workshop it.

Workshop it. Okay. Thanks, everyone. Bye. See you next week.