Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 285: Reviews of Shrek

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

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This is episode 285 of Beach 2 Sandy, Water 2 Wet, and we are reading reviews of Shrek. I hate this. My name is Zandi. I'm Xteen. I mean Shrek is fine. I don't know why everyone gets so obsessed about Shrek. That's my hot take. What is everyone's fucking problem? Who's everyone?

Why is everyone? In what ways? I don't know. People just like keep talking about Shrek. And I'm like, I feel like if in my universe, if my perception ruled the world, God forbid, first of all. Yeah. Second of all.

No one wants that. Second of all, nobody would talk about Shrek anymore. Because it was like, oh, that was a fun movie. The end. Like, why are people so still hung up on Shrek? This has been like 20 years. I don't know why I'm suddenly getting so agitated. My part of my theory

is partially because it is good, you know, like you agree it's a good movie, good series. And but I think also it's like it hit that like childhood, like things you enjoy as a kid and the stuff like you would now enjoy as an adult where it's like just like Smash Mouth. It hits those that humor so well that like you there are still so many good jokes in there that are like, I don't know, there are certain like with Francisco growing up 10 years younger than me,

there are some things that she would watch that I'd be like, I have zero interest in this. But then other times when she was a child, it'd be like, oh, now this I can watch. This is enjoyable. Like Smash Mouth music videos. Smash Mouth music videos. And she still watches those to this day, of course. But yeah, no, like Arthur, there's certain shows that are like, that weirdly get you as, that got you as a kid. So there's that nostalgia factor but there's also like it's rewatchable as an adult because you're like oh wait this is actually like well done and really good yeah so it has a fun soundtrack yeah also okay that's fair

it's also very memeable you know there's some it's so that's i think the biggest thing that i get caught up caught up in i'm like what is wrong with everybody? And like growing up with the internet. Like repurposing Shrek year after year. Yeah, and like the inner, even it's even nostalgic on like a meme level. Like it's not, the memes are nostalgic at this point. They feel even old at this point. That's why I feel like it just stayed around so long is because there's so much nostalgia tied

into not only the films itself, but the memes themselves where you can make a joke about Shrek and everyone can get it because they're fucking Okay, it's so well, it's funny because it was like what two weeks ago that I've read a review that mentioned Shrek Or like it was Shrek humor. That's what yeah Yeah, and I think people really were like, oh give me Shrek cute like on the comments on the Instagram We're all very like pro Shrek humor and I just remember being like what does that even mean? Like I really got too analytical about it.

Good question actually, yeah. I know. Too analytical, couldn't be us. It wasn't me just talking for five minutes about what it means. The only time I've ever been too analytical about anything is when it came to this, which is the saddest part. Oh boy. Anyway, this is not a Shrek analysis podcast, even though it might become one.

It might become one. Rapidly as we downslide. But, but I want to also mention that I had a challenge today from Heidi and that was to find reviews that mentioned Mercury retrograde. Yes. Is that still happening? Is that not? As of right now, I believe it is, which interestingly- It's May 11th right now? Actually, wait, no, I don't think Mercury is retrograde right now.

I don't think till August. Oh, I thought it just happened, I don't think Mercury's retrograde right now. I don't think till August. Oh, I thought it just happened. I don't understand. It may have just happened, but I don't think it's... Oh, December 13th to January 1st of last year, then April 1st to April 24th. It was like recent. And then August 4th to August 27th. The next one's August.

Got it. Have you ever seen that website that says, it's called like, is mercury in retrograde.com? And if it's a yes or no, and when it says no, it says no, unfortunately, something else must be bumming you out. And it's like, oh, man, I thought we could blame it. Blame it on the stars. Okay. Zandy, would you like to go first this time?

You know what? Sure. Okay. My first one is of Shrek. This is a half star review. Are we talking the film? Of, oh yes. The major motion picture. Maybe this is a bit of a spoiler.

All of my five reviews are of the first Shrek. and that's it. I don't think any of mine. Good I feel like that's what happens. I say very true to the title of the episode. I see and then I did not. Sometimes I don't you're right though like sometimes I go on my little mobile game or mobile app things but this is stay true to myself. You want it to be a... and stay true to Shrek. Yeah. Yeah. A Shrek truth. And you know what I'm going to do, because there might be some of you, there are definitely some of you who have not seen the movie Shrek.

And you might have pride in that by this point. And I know weirdly, I don't blame you for feeling some pride there as someone who feels that way about Titanic somehow. I was like, if you say the Titanic, we're gonna get like sued or something. The amount of times you've mentioned not having seen I know. And I weirdly like, it's now demand avoidance.

Everyone's like, you got to see it. I'm like, not anymore. So yeah, I'm gonna tell those people with demand avoidance. You don't have to watch it. It's okay. Here is the description. And by the way, it really is. Yeah, it really is. It's fine fine very enjoyable you might love it but you know

what you might hate it but here is a description anyway in case you're you don't know what the fuck is happening Shrek the greatest fairy tale never told this is from letterboxd I don't know if I assume this is official. It ain't easy being green, especially if you're a likable, albeit smelly. Isn't that Ghermits tagline? Yeah, I know, right? Albeit smelly ogre named Shrek. On a mission to retrieve a gorgeous princess from the clutches of a fire-breathing dragon, Shrek teams up with an unlikely compatriot, a wise cracking donkey. So it's Mike Myers, a wise cracking donkey.

So it's Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, John Lithgow, and a bunch of other people. Anyway, and then it's a very successful sequel. This is just to show I would never have succeeded in development because if someone pitches to me I'd be like, that sounds stupid. I'd pass and then I would immediately lose out on the probably hundreds of millions of dollars I've had've made choices. Would it be crazy to say at least a billion dollars for the Shrek? I mean, I don't know. I feel like- I wouldn't be surprised. I have no idea. I wouldn't be surprised. Are you Googling it? Is that what's happening? So okay, Shrek, the original Shrek made $492 million.

Shrek 2, $935 million. Shrek 3, $813 million. Shrek Forever After, $756 million. Puss in Boots, $555 million. So basically the Shrek- I'd be driven out of Hollywood passing on that. The Shrek, and then there's like- Franchise. Push in Boots,

push, Puss in Bo push, push and boots, the last wish. 186 million apparently or lifetime gross. Okay. So yeah, basically a shit ton of money. Yeah. So that's not including merchandise like theme parks, whatever else. So yeah, Shrek wildly successful. Anyway, and now I have a half-star review of said movie and like I said about being true to myself with doing only Shrek things, I feel

like this review is very true to myself and the reviews I like to read. Here we go. I fucking hate this movie. It's not funny. It was never funny. Can we stop pretending like this is the peak of comedy? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it, I can't. That's so, poor. I can't. Yes, come on. Look, there may be many, many, many other times that I shorten a review because there are certain parts I don't want to read, but I couldn't do that for this one. It's not fair. It's part, it's part of- It's so fucking annoying. It's so tied to their true, like their valid feelings about this movie. I cannot, I cannot censor them in that way

by only reading I hate it like once or twice. I have to read it the full one, two, three, four. No, don't count it now. That's, you didn't have to do that on top of reading it. 28 times. Jesus Christ. If that's, I might've counted wrong. I won't count again, but 28.

Please spare us. Everyone rewind and play it again. Please. No, don't stop. It can't be good for your mental health, okay? I went through it, you went through it. Let them go through it. You're sick in the head.

Okay. I guess I did already put them through it. Okay, nevermind, your turn. I was gonna say we've all been through it. Everyone's through it, yeah. From Anika, she, they, and Maddie, she, her. This is, they say they're from Iowa. Nope, Idaho, my bad.

They say they're from Idaho, and they say they're from Idaho. I was like, okay, but? I was waiting for the but. But they sent a review from Shrek's Adventure London. Make it make sense. I don't know. You still don't know?

Oh, you're Googling right now with this thing you're about to read. It's a unique Shrek experience. Like an immersive one? Yeah, so it's called Shrek's Adventure by DreamWorks Tours. It's located in the County Hall building of London. What? It's just a unique Shrek experience. What more could you possibly need to know?

It says, it's a brilliantly bonkers, interactive and immersive walkthrough experience where the whole family can journey through far, far away as the stars of the show. See, hear, touch and smell the adventure by exploring 10 fairy tale themed live shows from a magical 4D flying bus experience interacting with various famous characters including Princess Fiona and Donke to collecting the special ingredients that you will need in order to find Shrek and make it home safely. Is that better? I'm more confused.

Flying bus, is that something from Shrek that I missed? I feel like I don't know the second and third movies at all. Isn't that Harry Potter? And then I realized, no, this is all about Shrek. I don't understand. I mean, there must be a bus somewhere in it. I don't know, cause everything else is very,

I mean, this whole website is called Shrek's Adventure dot com. So yeah. So, but like flying, maybe they accidentally copied that flying bus. I mean, it doesn't really fly and it just gets really narrow in Harry Potter. Oh, that's true. The car flies. Yeah. Um, maybe, but like, I don't know.

Shrek doesn't make sense to me. I'm like, I don't know. Can I send you a picture of one of the... I guess. And then you have to find ingredients to find Shrek? Yeah, that does. I thought it was going to say to make like Shrek cupcakes. And I was like, that's fine. But that's not, it's not cooking. I'm curious. I'm curious. Okay. So here's just one picture of like what apparently happened. It's like they're

one of their promo pictures and I just can't even begin to understand. Um, I'd like you to explain like what, can you just explain it? There's, um, there's a pic, there's like a crystal ball on a table, like a huge crystal ball and like Shrek's face is in it, but like warped. And he looks so scared. It's like not, like it looks a little off, like from Shrek. Like it's not like-

Like you can only tell it's Shrek because he's green and has those weird ears. But like without that, you'd be like, is that Humpty Dumpty? Like if I honestly, if he were pale, it just looks funny and it's really worth because of the- He looks almost like Gru, maybe he's Gru with a different nose.

Maybe, yeah. And then there's this, I guess, a very alarmed, what is someone, a psychic, a fortune teller, is what I was trying to say, who's alarmed, doing something crazy with her hands. Doing a spell, like doing a hex, I don't know, a spell. What's funny is Shrek's face is so like, huh? Like what? It's not even like, it's like, what, what's going on?

Like, and I'm- He just looks like he woke up in someone else's house and forgot he's on vacation or something. This tells me absolutely nothing about this experience. Like why is there a fortune teller? I have more questions now. Like what does that have anything to do with Trek? You know what?

I fear it's my lack of knowledge of the second and third movies. Like first movie, I feel like we... Maybe it's Push and Boots or whatever you said earlier. Push and Boots. I feel like we had a conversation, one of my acting class, like my last acting class, I think there was, maybe it was a different thing I'm thinking of. At some point, I had a conversation with a group of people

about the plot of like Shrek. And I was like, I don't think I remember it the same way as many of these people do. And I think some aspects of it, I was right, and some aspects they were right. Like it was a weird mix of like, why do I not remember this movie? Like-

When they interview witnesses about a car wreck and they're like, oh, it was red or it was blue. And like, you can't rely on their like memory of the color or the speed. Yes. Because everything's relative. And that's kind of how it was with your, you and your compatriots about Shrek.

About Shrek. And now seeing this crystal ball thing, I'm like, you know what, maybe I know even less because- I mean, the fact that you and I just said, was there a flying bus in Shrek? You know? I mean, that has to tell you something. Something. And I bet all the Shrekies are like, of course there was. The Shrekies. Stop. Does that know what they are?

Okay. I went on TripAdvisor of the same place and this is their promo that they used, which is like similar, but different enough that I'm almost more confused because why would you make two different recreations of a fortune teller? That looks so much more like Shrek though. In this crystal ball. This one's actually Shrek's face. Yeah. The other one looks like somebody tried to turn Gru.

I tell you, it looks like Gru. This is Shrek in a crystal ball. The other one, it's like a Shrek lookalike? Yeah. Yes. This one is Shrek. Inside a bubble. Yeah, this one actually looks, I can see what's. Are we like, I guess maybe that's how it is where you're like, oh, Shrek is, we're communicating with him. We got to go find this. Maybe, maybe like she's a ventriloquist.

Yeah, I'm, but I did Google flying bus Shrek and literally only Shrek's Adventure 4D bus came up. So I feel a lot better. But I would like to acknowledge that this is not something you want to see in 4D with the smells. I mean, that's the whole point is he's stinky. It's in the fucking synopsis of the film. The onions, the- Oh, earwax candles.

Earwax, oh my gosh, you're so right. Okay. Nasty. The swamp, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, the onions, ride, but that's just because I get motion sick. So otherwise, I think we'll have a good time. I can't wait to use all my ingredients to find Shrek. I want to know if you can, you know? Yeah, I probably can. Do you think it's possible to fail? That'd be so funny. I was going to say, I mean, yeah, I do. Because I think I will probably would. But you will probably would. Yeah, I might be the first, so. Okay, so sorry. This is from Anika and Maddie, allegedly from Idaho, who sent me a review from Shrek's Adventure London. Are they both from Idaho? Yeah, they sent it together.

This is teamwork? I wasn't sure, okay. Yes, no, I'm glad you asked because I think maybe later I would have wondered. But yes, it is from Samuel. So this is a two-star review they found from TripAdvisor and the title is Won't Recommend. Bought tickets for my four-year-old myself and had to bring my brother for support. Wait.

Sorry. That part I hadn't even remembered until this very moment. I also did these notes weeks ago or like whenever before I left for for LA so it feels like a week and a half ago same so I have very little memory of this uh had to bring my brother for support that's me though that's me I was gonna say this is very relatable yeah first for like only us bought tickets for my four-year-old myself and had to bring my brother for support so three tickets in total my four-year-old was very excited to go and meet Shrek. The experience started well, bus ride was good, the actors were okay, all children watched them. Shrek only comes at the end, and if you haven't booked

a picture you will only get 10 seconds to take a picture. The end where kids were taking the sword out, kids in front of us, all of them took it out, and they were called king and queen, etc. My four yearyear-old waited patiently for his turn and were so excited to stand on the step and do the same, but the person who was handling there, he switched off from the back and my four-year-old couldn't lift the sword. He was so disappointed. I did just… Well, clearly your four-year-old isn't a king or queen. No, they can't be.

I'm sorry, it only works if you're actually royal, you know? Such a snowflake. Sorry. Come on, not everyone. Oh, you want a participation trophy, a participation crown. Yeah, just for trying to lift the sword when you couldn't even, you weren't even strong enough to do it. Honestly, that was.

It sounds traumatizing for the child. That would break me as a child. I would definitely remember this for the rest of my life. My four-year-old waited patiently for his turn and we're so excited to do the same, but the person who was handling there, he switched off from the back and my four-year-old couldn't lift the sword. He was so disappointed. I did request the man to let him lift it, but he told my four-year-old that royalty isn't

for everyone and asked him to step down. I was kidding! I was being a dick when I said all that! Like I was purposefully being an asshole and then you read that that's actually how they handled it? That's crazy! Yeah it's really terribly sad. Wait what? I know, I know, I know, I know. Come on. Can I tell you why I read this? Like it's hilarious, but oh no. It's hilarious, but it's obviously very sad. Come on.

I would be traumatized by this as a four-year-old. It's so unnecessary. I would be very upset as a parent as well. It says, I hardly write reviews, I needed to say this. It just was very disappointed in the experience, said like maybe there were other, some other like social reasons that this happened, you know? So it's like, it ends up being like just pretty much just sad. But I want to, the reason I loved it and selected it and why I think Autica and Maddie sent it is because of the response, okay? So this is the response from

because of the response, okay? So this is the response from Shrek's Adventure London. Oh, crumbs. It seems Rumpelstiltskin may have won this time. Donkey would love to know how to make that five stars, perhaps over a plate of his favorite waffles, sending magical wishes to you from far, far away. Green Heart, Green Heart, far away. Green heart, green heart, green heart. What the fuck? Oh, crumbs.

I like imagine having some, some like rumble still skin as some like scapegoat to always have, you know, just like, oh, Rumble still skin, fuck this up. Not again, sorry. Sucks for you. You can talk to a fake character and eat some fake fucking waffles. Will that help? Like what? That makes no sense.

Also, they wrote favorite with a U cause it's based in London and it just makes me laugh cause I'm like, wow, they're so, they're not even fully in character, you know, like, don't they all aren't they? Is that a character thing? I don't actually. how they're not even fully in character, you know? Like... Don't they all, aren't they? Is that a character thing? I don't actually... I don't know. Maybe in far, far away they use in their words. I don't know.

I feel like they would. You're probably right. But... So I'm probably the idiot here. But I wanna say like, the accents were such a range, you know? That's true. Like, it was very unclear

where that place, where it to everything takes place. I think that was probably part of it. Which is probably the idea. It's not meant to be a specific place, but oh my gosh, that's hilarious. Like, it's just, it's not good. I don't. No, no.

But I kind of love it. And I want to be clear, like, that's why I brought it, because I thought the review is like, just, it's upsetting and a little bit sad. And like, it's funny in a way, because I thought the review is upsetting and a little bit sad. It's funny in a way, because it's how absurd that somebody would do this. But then the response is so unhinged and not appropriate. So anyway, I guess this is a spoiler, but let's just say I brought several just to showcase

some of their hateful responses. I love it. I'm looking forward to it. Responses. Yeah. Fandual Casino's exclusive Live Dealer Studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying, I do. Who wants his last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling winning in an exciting live

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So to them Shrek is a curse word. A swear word, yeah. Or like the he-who-shall-not-be-named type thing. It's not even... They don't even want to give them the time of day with the spelling. Yeah. Worst fucking thing ever. copy name type thing. It's not even like they don't even want to give them the time of day with the spelling. Yeah. Worst fucking thing ever.

I just get angry each time I see his face. The fact that people made a meme about finding him attractive just makes me more mad because he doesn't deserve the clout. I genuinely wish for it to just disappear from this world and for everyone to forget about it. Maybe then the world will be a better place. And don't even ask me why I hate it. Worst question ever, because then I think about why I hate it and it gets me even more mad. I hate him because I do. Any more questions? He needs to fuck off my reality. My favorite color was green and now

it's not anymore. I used to love playing in the mud, but I don't anymore. I used to love British, but I don't anymore. British! All because of him, that demon. He's responsible for all the doom in my world and he should pay for that by not existing in it anymore. Get rid of him. End of review.

God! That kept going! Every time I thought it was over, it just kept getting more dramatic. rate of him. Going every time I thought it was over. It just kept getting more dramatic. And like, like this person doesn't really like, it doesn't have that many reviews. It's not, it's just like, well, now they can't go on that site anymore. Cause they see their own Shrek hatred right in front of their face. Every time they log in, it's like a way I lied. They do have a lot of reviews,

but like, a lot of them are like just very normal. I mean, listen, I don't begrudge anyone their hatred of Shrek, don't get me wrong, but wow, this seems like it's really impacted your life. You need to maybe speak to a professional about this. It is sad about the green. You know how when people do, so sometimes I listen to meditations to fall asleep, right?

And as I'm scrolling sometimes- I'm nervous about this connection between Shrek green- I know, I know, I know. And your sleep meditations. I didn't quite hear it. I'm looking forward to it. Okay, great. So sometimes I'll be scrolling to pick one

and they will have these meditations that are like how to wake up in a shift or like how to shift, you know, this whole concept of shifting. Oh, oh my God. I have the most effed up algorithm. So shifting is like this thing that younger people on TikTok always talk about doing. And I say younger, like maybe it feels like they're all in their twenties, the people who are talking about this, where it's this idea that you can like shift into a parallel reality. What? If you're unhappy, yeah, I'm dead serious. If you're unhappy about this, um, where it's this idea that you can like shift into a parallel reality. What? If you're unhappy with, yeah, I'm dead serious.

If you're unhappy with this current one. And it's like a very widespread thing. And so on YouTube, a lot of the, uh, meditations will be like, shift tonight into your new, into a new timeline. And I'm always like, no, I don't even want to listen to that just to fall asleep, cause I don't want to shift into a new timeline. Like I'm, I understand why some people would, but this person may benefit from like a Shrek list timeline. Like maybe they need to shift.

When he said, get out of my reality. Like, you are the exact person who needs this. There should be a specific Shrek meditation. That like removes him from your reality. Plans your chakras of all Shrek related energy. I mean, it's like that movie, is it called Yesterday? It's called Let It Be, it's called a Beatles song,

but that movie about like the person, like the Beatles not existing and only one person. I haven't seen it, I've heard great things. Oh, you haven't seen it? No, I've never seen it, but like that's what it makes me think of, is that like- It's really good. You would love it. Someone wakes up and they're the only one who remembers that the Beatles existed and they like

know all their songs and stuff. Yes. Isn't it yesterday? I don't know. And so it's like, wait, you guys haven't heard of the Beatles and it like becomes this whole plot point or like this whole timeline where that doesn't exist. I'm curious if this person, if they woke up tomorrow and no one knew about Shrek, but them, the question is, would they be able to profit off of it? Like, you know, like, would they want to, would they want to, or would they just be like, I'm so content with this. I'm just going to like, but like, yeah, would it be a curse where they were like, they can't even commiserate with other Shrek players because no one knows how much they can't communicate about this feeling because no one can possibly

understand. I'll center a free play. Yeah, I'll call it. Get out of my swamp. Oh, my swamp. I mean my reality. Yeah. You know what?

Is that the full title? Well, it's a working title. Okay. Get out of my swamp. And by that, I mean, get out of my reality. Yeah. Coming soon. It's about one man who remembers Shrek and no one else does. Wow.

It's powerful. Well, you can support this project at GoFundMe.com slash Shrek. PayPal.com slash. PayPal.com enter email. Okay. So this is for another one. Is it my turn? I think so. Okay.

This is another one from Annika and Maddie of Shrek's Adventure London, cause we're not leaving there quite yet. Um, this is a two star view by Z called not much of a Shrek or donkey adventure. Adventure probably lasts 40 minutes. Bus is amazing. Oh by the way this is all written in like stanzas almost like lines separated. Like a beautiful really long haiku. Adventure probably lasts 40 minutes. Bus is amazing. Rest of story was actors talking in each room and in half of rooms you may see a Shrek character briefly. I couldn't follow the story. Some characters were good.

A or B show. Last room. Prince. Others were dull. Sleeping Beauty falling asleep three times. Cinderella on phone. Adults got involved three to four times. Would have been better for kids to be involved instead. Would have been much better with more Shrek actual characters throughout like Donkey taking you on the whole adventure. At times the Shrek character was on a TV high and small, could barely see the minute worth of footage. Potential to be great, but they need to really change it actually to a more Shrek-centered adventure. And that's the end of the review. Okay. And now I have a response. I can't wait. From Shrek underscore G-E whatever that is, a general, I don't know.

Two stars. Puss in Boots can't believe it. He's choking up a hairball in disappointment. We hope you can return soon and make some Shrek-tacular memories. Puss would be happy to buy you a drink at the Poison Apple, as long as Doris doesn't mention his tab. Beer emoji, beer emoji, beer emoji. End of review. Like, are they sincerely offering anything? Like, that's the thing. Is there they're acting

like, hey, come have some waffles with Donkey. Come out. Is that real? Like if I said if I showed up promised me like would they be like, that my kids could have waffles with Donkey to make them feel better. Like, is that a real thing? Or is it just like for show? I don't understand. I feel like it is very disarming though. Like, you know, like they're weirdly, like you can't respond to that.

Because you can't, yeah, you have nothing to say. There's nothing to say. They're acknowledging that you didn't have a great time. Like they're acknowledging that. They're not owning up to anything. They're just like, It's almost like they live in a different time. Like they're acknowledging that. They're not owning up to anything. They're just like- It's almost like they live in a different reality where like they're not responsible for anything

and Shrek is really real and he fucked it up or Rumpelstiltskin did, nobody else. I think, I think you know, I think, hey, but maybe whoever's writing these isn't like the owner or something. It's like someone who's truly not responsible. So they're like, might as well run with it and do the fucking weird shit.

Might as well pretend it's not my boss's fault. Yeah. I mean, I can't. I mean, this person even said, I wish that kids were more involved. And then the person responding is like, do you want me to buy you a beer? Like, no, what are you talking about? Like they already complained that it's like too adult focused. And then you're like, come to the bar and maybe you can have a drink. Yeah. Three beer emojis. You know, I've that response did take away from the fact that they had some very specific and not like I don't think they seem mean about it. There's very specific ways that they could improve the experience for children. They were just like, uh-oh, Pilsen boots has a hairball. Just make sure you don't mention the faux pas of his fucking tab that he's never paid off.

It's so funny. It's so funny. He's chucking up a hairball of disappointment. It's like they're trying to say like, hey, we're all Shrek lovers here. Like, hey, we're all on the same side. We all know this isn't really about anything except our love for Shrek, right?

That's so weirdly so funny. Okay. Oh my gosh. Okay. Whew. I love it. Here's a half-star review of the movie Shrek. It's the worst movie ever.

Best character was Lord Fatquaid. Main character Shirk was an ugly ogre who was obsessed with- Shirk? That's so good. character Shurk was an ugly ogre who was obsessed with the layers of the onion. If you want a good animated movie, you should watch Frozen because it has better animation and likeable characters. No hot guys in Shurk. End of review. Wait, oh god, wait, what? I was like, oh, this is a 10 year old girl. And then it became like, very odd.

No, someone commented, wrong. Shrek is literally so hot. Ew, okay. Somebody's clearly being baited by all these fucking. Yeah. Oh, gross. I can't. Like Renee made one comment one time about like Shrek

being hot and all this stuff. and like this meme that was going around Yeah, and then but even Renee now when I talked to her is like no the second it became like such a thing Yeah, it's like I was out. I thought it was funny and she's like now I'm like Even that's getting old apparently I do feel like Cuz there's always some people who like like, yeah, it's a funny meme and then it's like some people are taking it a little far where you're like, wait a second You actually feel this way?

She thought it was funny for the shock value. Yeah, mostly when people would be like horrified. Yeah, and then when it became like a Personality trait people adopted she's like never mind. I'll find something new Okay, oh yeah I was like, nevermind, I'll find something new. Oh man, okay. Oh yeah. Oh man, okay, this is from Juniper TheyThem who wrote us a really nice note. And I have a review here from them of DreamWorks Tours Shrek's Adventure London again. Exciting.

This is a review, a one-star review of the Shrek's Adventure London. Please do not waste your money on this. We paid over £90 from a family of three. The experience was over so quickly and the same child was chosen in every room to take the special ingredients. Staff, please consider children who are polite and waiting patiently rather than choosing the obnoxious, rude, pushy children who shove their way to the front every time. We could have gone to a theme park for a whole day of rides and

entertainment rather than this. The actors were good and do their best, but the storyline and whole premise is just not worth the money. The bus ride doesn't move, just a screen. Shrek appears at the end for you to be herded through like cattle, only there to make money for photos. Go and see a show instead, save your money. My son is seven and enjoyed the experience and that is all that matters, but nearly 100 pounds down, it really isn't there to make money for photos. Go and see a show instead. Save your money. My son is seven and enjoyed the experience. And that is all that matters. But nearly 100 pounds down, it really isn't good enough. And here is a response.

By the... Oh no. That's a GE's guest experience team. Ah, okay. Uh-huh. Uh, they're doing an interesting job about guest experience. Here's the response. Oh no, Gingy is very sad to hear that you did not have

a magical time with us. Maybe the Muffin Man will help Gingy whip you up a fresh batch of waffles. Green heart emoji. Although I can't promise Donkey won't steal them. End of response. And never spawn. It's insane. It's like, what the fuck is happening?

And they're all different enough. Like, cause I'm through all of these and like, they're all slightly different. They're not copy pasted. Yeah. With the same like vote voice, but different mentioning different characters. And I'm like, ginger, who's that? The fucking gingerbread man. Oh, I And I'm like, Ginger, who's that? The fucking Gingerbread Man. Oh, I thought it was like a cat or something.

I assume so, because like, especially when they brought up Muffin Man, I was like, because the Gingerbread Man is the one who goes, do you know the Muffin Man? Oh yes, true. The Muffin Man. You know, okay. So yeah. That makes sense.

Wow. Like literally, like it is so it's, this is their version of conflict Yeah, it's not healthy. like which I don't think is healthy. Again, unneeded analysis of this kind of stuff, but it's so fucking funny. It is very alarming. It's like they're really not reading, they're not reading the room, you know? Like imagine you write a review and then you get an email, oh, the business responded and that's what you read. And I was gonna say that.

I was gonna be like, imagine they respond, you're like, oh, they got back to me so quickly. And then you read it and you must just like give up. Like what, I would just immediately give up. Like, what are you gonna do? Call them and say, what kind of dumbass response was that? I'd be afraid of whoever's gonna answer the phone. I would be afraid too.

I don't trust them anymore. Because they're gonna be improv, pretend they're in character the entire time. And I'm gonna be like, no, no, no, please. They're gonna start getting like really paranoid and upset. And you're gonna be like, what's going on? Like, what's going on?

They're gonna go, do you know the muffin man? And you're gonna be like, okay, nevermind, fuck this. You can't, you can't communicate with that. They're not in the same reality as me anymore. They've shifted. I weirdly respect it as a tactic. You know? I mean, I guess it's like kind of a win-win.

You look a little cuckoo and they're not gonna fight you back. I wouldn't. No, I sure wouldn't either. Yeah, so funny. Oh my gosh, okay. Well, here's a three-star review of Shrek. I'd still say it's a negative. Okay.

Here we go. Still trying to figure out the science behind how Donkey and Dragon had sex. Oh no! I feel like I've seen a lot of people discuss that. It is a big point that I thought had to be brought up. Because they had a baby. They did have a baby. They did, they copulated.

They sure did. They, They sealed the deal. They bombed it out. And so I wonder, I don't actively wonder. I don't actively wonder, thank God. When the question is presented, I think, you know, I don't know. That is something I am not sure how that works.

Sorry to use this phrase again, I would never begrudge someone their intrusive thoughts. You know, if this is what comes up in your mind, I don't blame you. 100%. I have some other really unhealthy and upsetting intrusive thoughts, so I get it. But yeah, thank God this is not one of mine. Because I think I would also live in a world

where I would want Shrek to get off my reality if I had that thought all the time. Yeah, yeah. You just kind of have to let it go. I think that's probably your, I think you nailed it with what's wrong with that reviewer who wants to remove Shrek. It's, they did, they kind of hid the reason,

but I think it must be because of something like this. It feels like it's hitting a nerve. It is, it is. And you know what, especially if it's this, I think their must be because of something like this. It feels like it's hitting a nerve. You know, it is, it is. And you know what, especially if it's this, I think their feelings are valid no matter what, but especially with this. Yeah. I wish I could just link a reality shifting meditation to them. Yeah.

Yeah. That when, you know, live in an existence where no fictional dragon and donkey had a child together. Yeah. Imagine going to like a special for that. Yeah. Like in a world where you could shift really into a different reality.

Imagine going to a specialist and they're being like, oh, is it like you've lost someone you love? Is it like you got fired? Oh, it's just that like Shrek exists. I feel like that would be the biggest one because like Shrek is so wide reaching, you know. You can't escape Shrek. Talk about butterfly effect.

Yeah. But I, I guess I will, I will say it's very interesting. How, I don't know, you can, you can not, there are so many things that you don't question when you watch this movie, you know, there's so many things that are just, of course, it's just a movie, it's Shrek, it's whatever. It's a cartoon movie. And yet this is something that comes up

time and time again. Like of all things to have a problem with, it's the sexual relationship between a donkey and a dragon. It's like not that the gingerbread man can speak. Yeah, or like pretty much any. Even though he doesn't have organs, you know? But yeah, it's something that like hits on a nerve with humans, like we need them.

It's like a fairy tale logic. So you get this fairy tale logic for so much of it, but then when you're like, wait a second, this situation doesn't even fit fairy tales in our views of fairy tales. I'm sure there's some Brothers Grimm fairy tale that has some very not okay sexual stuff that, you know, whatever. It's worth questioning. that have some very not okay sexual stuff that,

you know, whatever. But yeah, but the, at least the fairy tales that we grew up with, it's, you know, that's never a topic. So maybe that's what it is. Remember when- Oh, you're gonna tell me about a fairy tale I forgot about? Okay, I'm so sorry.

Uh-oh. No, when you and I did Mind Meld and I said dragon and you said lipstick or the other way around and we both screamed Shrek at the same time. I do not remember that. It's on TikTok. That one's on TikTok. I do not remember saying that.

I think it was on mine, but then Mustafa deleted it. So I have to go, it might be on Beach to Sandy, but basically we did this mind meld and we were doing so badly. And finally, we said dragon and lipstick and we both screamed Shrek. And it's like, that's where in the consciousness, that's why I get so curious, like,

why the fuck is this movie always like top of mind? Even for like an offbeat character that's not even a main cast. I don't think we had a choice. I think it was just so prevalent, like in everything for a bit. I don't know. And everyone knew about it. Like it was something you could talk about to anyone.

Like I'm confident when I talk to anyone in my life, if I bring up Shrek, they've seen it, they know it. Like, you know, it's just a weird, one of those things. A cultural touchstone, some might say. It actually, I very much is, I'd say yes yes. Which, for better or for worse. The Romans had gladiatorial battles and we have fucking Shrek, so, you know. Yeah. Same difference.

They had, you know, the Sistine Chapel. We've got a red box with Shrek in it. A swamp, oh, yeah. We have Shrek 4D at Universal Studios Florida, which is what I'm about to read to you. Uh oh, I love it, I'm in. This is from Sean, and apparently this ride, it's called Shrek 4D, was replaced a couple years ago

with a Despicable Me ride. Maybe that's where the Gru thing comes in, where I keep thinking it looks like Gru. And so this is a one star review by a local guide of the Shrek 4D ride from four years ago. The line was long, but could have been avoided if they got rid of the lengthy introduction in the room before you enter the main room. I will add that Sam, the employee, was rude and obnoxious. He yelled at me for smoking when it was really the man next to me who was smoking.

The man in me had a good laugh at Sam's expense. Upon leaving, Sam thought he was the center of attention with his stupid actions. Oh, well, at least his mother loves him. LOL. End of review. What? I don't know. This all sounds so made up.

Like, it sounds like- It sounds fake. We had a good laugh at Sam's expense because he mixed up which one of us was smoking. What? What does that make- Crazy thing to do. Ha ha, look at this loser

who thought that I was smoking when it was really you right next to me. Sam. And blowing it in my face. Isn't that funny? Um, yeah, Sam thought he was the center of attention. That fucking jackass with his stupid actions. I'm going to leave it that vague cause I have no better vocabulary to use to describe what was probably just him being a tour guide.

Meanwhile, all of you were like, wow, I'm so grateful that employee got that person to stop smoking. Around my kids. Oh my God. It's just like, it just like slides so fast into like, Oh, there's a long line and there's like this thing and then Sam was there and then I fucking hate it, Sam. And I hate him even to this very day.

And I'm at least he has his mother to like him because no one else does. Whoa. What did he do to you? He set a boundary. No, he he enforced a boundary. He enforced a boundary. As is his job. And you did not like it. Oh my gosh. Okay, I have one more and this is a, I would say, a redemption. This is positive. Here's a four star and a few. This one's mainly for you and me, I think. Here we go.

Great. I wonder how Leonard Cohen feels knowing that for an entire generation, the beautiful chords of hallelujah will just conjure up the mental image of two ogres pining for one another. End of review. I used to think about that so often because like when that song came out I was like no you guys stop Not only was it like a cover which every look Amazing cover like the covers of hallelujah. There are so many good ones and I'm not trying but like, you know

It's not even the original but then like on top of it. It's like in Shrek Yeah, okay. That's the part. It's like it's a beautiful cover, but it's like in Shrek. It's like Shrek. Okay, that's the part. It's like, it's a beautiful cover, but it's like, oh Christ, the fact that like now it's just the Shrek is all I can see. It really has like infiltrated so many, so many avenues of our lives. And this review was written

like four months before he died. Oh geez. And I used to say, that might have been what killed him. I know. He was like, oh shit, you're right. He's like, you're right. You're right. There's no going back.

No, I bet he loved Shrek. I bet he did too. You know, I'd like to think so at least. He had a good sense of humor. Sure. With zero understanding of weather. Yeah, that's a good friend. That's what I tell myself anyway.

So, well, speaking of which which I have a redemption as well. So this is from Annika and Maddie from Idaho again, and it is a review of the deodon Shrek. Oh, wait, let me say that again. The deodon Shrek pooping toothpaste cap. Oh, fun, interesting gadgets. I can unfortunately picture this. I know what this looks like. Well, we've talked about it before, I think, because I forget. I mean, it doesn't even matter what context. There was some context where we found a way to bring it up. This is a five star review and the title is My Daughter is Smarter Than Your Son. And it's a five star review, verified

purchase. My daughter loves a good fart joke. She's my perfect angel She did ask me if what Shrek was doing with the front part of his body to the toothpaste opening was appropriate though Love her end of review. Um, huh? What the fuck? that Whose son is she smart? Whose son is she smarter than you? In this weird made-up scenario of your daughter versus some stranger's son. What?

It's so weird. I wonder if the energy is like, oh well, my daughter's not like a girly girl. She makes fart jokes better than the rest of them. She can be any boy at his own game. And her critical thinking skills are off the chart when she talks about this Shrek thing on this... His body parts. And look, she might be a genius. I don't know. I just... I don't know if this is the example I would give as evidence of that.

It feels like if you're interviewing her for like a private school, elementary school, this might not be the story that wins them over. You could try it. But don't get me wrong though. I love the support. This is seems like a very supportive. Hey, yeah, go with your fart jokes. You know, it does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's a fair question. I mean, I just got to love her. Yeah. And she feels comfortable asking these. She feels comfortable asking these questions to, you know, I mean, I just went, I gotta love her. Yeah, and she feels comfortable asking these. She feels comfortable asking these questions to, you know.

I love that. This is like so much worse than I thought. Really? Oh God, it's just so weird. It's like 3D printed, clearly. Oh, okay, okay. I get it now. Does that not change everything?

I understand why she's asking this. I hadn't seen it until just now. My God. Oh no, that's actually. That is so, so much worse. That's so much worse. Oh my God. It's so much worse. Like what the fuck.

I get it now. I understand why she asked this question. Completely valid question. Y'all, this is not okay. I can't. Okay, like Oxxonar, can I say something? Can I read one that's like inappropriate? Okay. Yes, about this.

Yeah, two stars, just a warning. If you don't like words that are with your kids or something maybe fast forward but Amazon approved it so whatever it's called Shrek with a cream pie no bye it says tiny only fits travel tubes first of all I love it that's the first complaint tiny only fits travel tubes like the ones you get free from the dentist when the toothpaste comes out Shrek's butt it looks like some other ogre gave him a cream pie and now he's banging a toothpaste tube. Two of these were seven bucks as a highway robbery.

They're worth about 50 cents a piece. I gave it two stars because it actually showed up trash can fodder. And then they posted a video of this thing as they squeezed toothpaste. It's actually so bad. Okay. So just to give everyone an idea of what it looks like. No, I think we just got an idea. No, I mean that's what I meant is that was to give everybody an idea.

Oh, I see, I see. I thought you were going to say four. I was like, you don't have to explain this anymore. $3.50 for one of these. And honestly, like they have one for Yoda, but it looks like he's like vomiting. Like it's just like spewing out of his mouth. I'm like, they did not think this through. That seems so unnecessary. Yeah they didn't think this through at all. And like also like because of this like the one that you sent me it's not

painted so it's all green the same green. It's 3D printed. I mean it's like he's just fully naked like I think if you look closely you can see it's supposed to be he's supposed to be wearing a shirt, but like, he looks completely naked. And like his face, there's like no detail. Like there's no, nothing's painted. It is creepy as fuck, but like it's clearly his shape with his front in a toothpaste tube and his. It's like, but with a hole. It's like really, really rough to look at.

And then like, do you just leave it like that? I don't enjoy it. Do you unscrew him and then screw the actual cap on? Like there's no way to cap his butt. I mean, there probably is, but like, not pictured. Then it would get all crusty and you'd have to like squeeze the like lump out. Oh my God, Alexander.

Cause it's been, there is, once you start, there's gonna be always toothpaste inside of Shrek. Inside his hole. Until you're done and throw them out. This is so disgusting. Hope, this is crazy to me. I am, okay. Well, it's still your turn, cause I'm done.

So imagine having a 3D printer and being like, I'm gonna make millions. Oh man. Okay, sorry. This is a, that you're done, right? You said? Okay, I have one more redemption left. This is of Scared Shrek-less, a 26 minute computer, see, I haven't even read this in weeks. So I'm like, I don't even know what this is.

Scared Shrek-less is a 26 minute computer animated Halloween horror comedy television special set shortly after the events of 9-11. No, I'm just kidding. Set shortly after the events of Shrek Forever After. I'm so sorry. Talk about intrusive thoughts. Okay. Vodala. I mean, Shrek 1 did come out in 2011. It did.

2001, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Set shortly after 10 whole years after 9-11. That was so too soon, am I right? Okay. Set shortly after the events of Shrek Forever After that premiered on the American television network NBC on October 28, 2010.

Scared Checklist was based on the children's book, Shrek! exclamation point, by the writer William Stieg which was published in October of 1990. Isn't that weird? That is news to me. Right? I looked into it. I knew that there was a working version of Shrek with Chris Farley as Shrek and I've seen some of that animation and I think he voiced most of a majority of the lines. They were close to being done. Really? And and he died I want to say that's the reason he was no longer Shrek was only because he died I could be wrong I don't know when

he died exactly but like I don't think they just like stopped using him it was just I mean he died in 97 so yeah that would make sense I guess that. But yeah, no, I know that there's a full like you can watch it if you go to YouTube you can watch Chris Farley as Shrek and there's no accent like he wasn't doing a Scottish accent as like Mike Myers did but I don't think but yeah so it's like just his voice as Shrek and the animation is like a lot cruder like it's pre like it's early workings so like now and then once they actually made it it's like different But yeah, anyway, sorry. No, no. Yeah, that's good to know because also This guy the author died in 2003. So he died at the age of 95

So like he lived well and was able to see it become like the at least the start of the franchise at least the start of the franchise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Movies are back, baby. And if you're looking for a weekly podcast to keep up with all the new releases and all the hottest news and rumors coming out of Hollywood, check out Movies Baby with five whys. Is Emma Stone on track for greatest actress of all time?

What's the best Godzilla movie of all? What's up with John Cena? Love Lies Bleeding? We'll take more where that came from. What movie should have won best picture at this year's Oscars? Hint, it's the name of two months and they ain't close together. Those are just some of the topics we discussed on recent episodes of Movies Baby. Every week on Movies Baby, Forever Dog co-founders and lifelong movie fanatics, Brett and Joe

break down the hottest movie news, review the latest releases, shout out forgotten classics, and prophesy the future of Hollywood. You can listen to Movies Baby wherever you get podcasts, and you can watch Movies Baby live every Thursday night on YouTube at Movies Baby with Five Wives. Movies Baby! So here's a review of Scared Shrekless, which I guess is that TV special based on this book. It's a five star review by, I just saw the username is Miranda Cosgrove Lover. And they are a kid and they think this TV special, thank God they're a kid. I just saw the username is Miranda Cosgrove Lover.

And they are a kid. And they think this TV special, thank God they're a kid. And this TV special is for ages two and up. Five stars. Title, looks cool. I know, I know. Have not seen it, but I wanna see it so bad. Shrek is awesome. He would make a very great Halloween special. I know it. But I never knew there would so bad Shrek is awesome. He would make a very great Halloween special

I know it but I never knew there would be some swearing in it So I hope my parents will let me watch it I bet they will because I have watched many movies and TV shows with swearing in it and it would be funny if Donkey got Waffles for Halloween instead of candy because he loves waffles so much But I don't know if it is actually going to happen because I've never seen it. And all the Shrek movies are funny and have funny jokes in it and I bet they will have one about waffles. I will watch it. End of review. This title contains too much swearing, great role models, educational value, and great messages.

You know, I kind of doubt many of those, but I love this. That is so sweet though. Like that makes me so happy. It is so cute. And it's from 13 years ago. That is really cute. So it feels like a little time capsule also. I love that. Yeah.

That's so funny. I just hearing that I'm like, oh, like, yeah, it's cute. Maybe he will get lawfuls for Halloween. Like they seem so, God, like, hearing children communicate sometimes when they're like that, like even our sister, Francisco, like sometimes she says things that I'm like, are you really 10 years younger than me?

I'm like, like there are these things that I'm like, man, am I just like such a late bloomer that I wasn't able to have these like thoughts and like communicate them when I was younger? Because I'm like, it took me until now to be confident in anything that I say. And even then I still struggle, but like. I'm just like, like I want to tell this child, like don't ever change. You're perfect the way you are.

Yeah, yes. Don't ever change. Yes. Keep looking at the world the way you are. Oh my gosh. Right? Aw. I need to end on that high.

I don't know. Yeah, I'm glad you had that one. Oh, and by the way, it was from Common Sense Media, which I know I didn't mention. Oh, I think we learned pretty quick. Most of us figured it out by the end of this title contains no sexy stuff. And you knowing that they were a child

and that it was for two parts. Oh yes, Kid and Miranda Cosgrove Lover or whatever. That makes me think, yeah. And where else would you find a review of a one 26 minute computer animated Halloween horror comedy television special called scared Shrekless?

Yeah. That I didn't know existed. Um, okay. Well, that was a theme. I think we did really well, even though we got a little analytical about Shrek, which was found to happen. Um, I now have my challenge.

This is sent in by Heidi and it's reviews that mentioned Mercury retrograde. Now I imagine that, I retrograde. Now, I imagine that I don't know how the Venn diagram between people who know about Shrek and people who know about Mercury retrograde. I have no concept of where, if it's anywhere near being a full circle or totally separate. But what I will do- I kind of hope they're pretty separate of those two. I hope they're relatively close, but I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'm like, I don't think we need overlap there. That seems like a recipe for disaster. I agree, 100%. And this is a, I'm just going to give you a definition or like a summation of what Mercury retrograde is from almanac.com. And I want to also say here that you can say it both ways,

but the actual technically correct terminology, as far as I know from astrologers, is Mercury is retrograde, not in retrograde. Not in retrograde. Like Mercury is retrograde right now, you know? Which it doesn't really, like people can, people do say it both ways, but I once heard an astrologer be like,

stop saying in retrograde. So I've been a little more conscientious of that. But I don't think it really matters, but because people will know what you mean. Everyone gets what, yeah, they know what you mean. Language is evolving. You know, like, ah. So this is from almanac.com, Mercury retrograde.

Three to four times a year, the planet Mercury appears to travel backward across the sky. We refer to these periods as times when Mercury is in apparent retrograde motion or simply Mercury retrograde. To those who practice astrology, these times were traditionally associated with confusion, delay, and frustration.

Think undelivered love letters, email blunders, and frazzled travel plans. This is an excellent time to reflect on the past, however, and it's said that intuition is high during these periods. Coincidences can be extraordinary." So that's what Mercury retrograde is. And people will often say it kind of just as a joke, like, you know, to, to, to forgive any foibles that have happened or like explain away any sort of, uh, hiccups in their plans or. Yeah. And which I've always seen in a very like, like low stakes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's never anything like that. I'm sure someone does, but I don't think anybody finds, finds issue with that. Not nothing harmful. Very spiritual people joke about- Oh, you think I was treating you poorly while Mercury was retrograde. Yeah, exactly. I don't think anyone picks it that seriously. That's how I get.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd hope not. And I think even spiritual people joke about, like, oh, Mercury retrograde, watch out. So okay, this is a review from Abby of Red Lobster. Hard tonal shift there. Hard tonal shift. I know I didn't want to give you warning because I knew it would be kind of whiplash.

Uh, so here we go. This is a two star review by Helen. Um, and the title was, the title is Our Visit Was So Bad It Was Funny. This is from January 2016 and it is, so we could actually probably check if Mercury was retrograde. And this is a two star review of Red Lobster. I like Red Lobster and dine at the local restaurant about once a month. However, our visit to the one in Canoga Park did not go well. Two of our party of four ordered snow crab clusters. Okay, first of all, I could have told you things would go wrong with that order, but it's fine. What the fuck is a snow crab cluster? I guess they're in Maryland, so maybe that makes more sense. Oh, that's much

better actually. That, oh that that yeah, that is a good point I think if you order that at the Cincinnati officer, I'd be like more sure Granted, it's probably exactly the same. It's a feels different supplier. I'm sure but yeah, it feels less bad What can you just go like next door? Yeah, like whatever it doesn't matter Probably for less at an actual like Because when they said, oh, the local restaurant, I'm like, I know they're saying they're local Red Lobster, but I'm like, there's very little local to your Red Lobster, unless it's based there. I mean, maybe, but I doubt it.

But who knows? Maybe, I don't know. Two of our party of four ordered snow crab clusters. They were dry and very salty. I sent mine back, so our server sent the manager out. He insisted that they did not cook the crab legs. He insisted they did not cook the crab legs. Are you sure?

I'm sorry. I know you messed up, but I had to call you out. I didn't even notice until you said it. Oh, God. He insisted they did not cook the crab legs. Of all places, just stop. I don't think they said that, Christina. No, they sure didn't. They sure didn. I don't think they said that, Christina. No, they sure didn't. That's not what they said.

They sure didn't. Don't quote me on that, please. I'm sorry. Normally we'd edit that out, but not this time, because I called attention to it. He insisted that they did not cook the crab legs in salt water, but agreed to a substitution. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You accused them of cooking them in salt water? That doesn't even make sense, because, well, they, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, So they're saying we did not do that. Yeah. How did you think they just like pipe in salt water just for that or like, you know, or like, I mean, maybe they salted the water, but that's a normal thing to do. The way they put it just, Yeah, I don't really get the, what a specific accusation.

Feels like a strange argument. After the manager left, a second server came to take my new order. She said the first server had checked out. After she brought the order to the table, the first server came back to check on us. Our server was, evidently, an aspiring actor. He tried to make jokes and kept asking, is there anything else I can bring us? We asked about the second server, and he told us she left.

Out of curiosity, we checked the Daily Horoscope. We learned that Mercury was about to retrograde, introducing a period of great uncertainty. We laughed about it because the first server had told us that they had all vegetables except asparagus. The second one told us they were out of baked potatoes and broccoli, but they did have asparagus. For the rest of the meal we kept telling each other, well, with Mercury in retrograde, it's hard to predict. We left in a good mood because it all seemed so silly.

End of review. You know, weirdly, very healthy reaction to Mercury being retrograde. I love that because they took that and said excusing other people's behavior that wasn't that harmful and it was more silly. Yeah, they're like well, but what the fuck is happening at this? Like actually I was a little bit alarmed by like, oh she told us our first server had left and then he came back And they said wait, what about the other server and he said oh she left it's like that's actually like feels creepy a little bit like what's going on like unless this is some sort of prank it feels like something's going on Like we have broccoli and potatoes. We don't have we don't like it's like, yeah, anyway, it feels very, it feels like a prank. It feels very convoluted. Like I think I would be very confused as well. Um, we're out of, out of everything. Imagine telling that to someone. We're out of everything but asparagus, right? Oh, and by the way, sorry, Canoga Park is in Los Angeles. This person was from Maryland.

Oh. So, okay, wait, this person's from Maryland. Even makes it even worse. Went to the Canoga Park location in LA. I mean, I guess it's also on the water, but still, is it even, I don't know. I will say every Maryland person I've met very much prides themselves on the seafood, specifically the crabs, the crab in their

home state. Of course you're not gonna like it there as much. I imagine many Marylanders are like we do not, this person who went to this Red Lobster and ordered crabs. And you can't really tell the Red lobster folks like, well, I'm from Maryland. So I know, cause they're like, yeah, well, this is red lobster across the country. I think it sounds like they didn't say anything about, did they mention? They didn't mention Maryland in their review, did they? But she said, I've always dined at my local restaurant in Maryland, I'm assuming. Oh, in Maryland.

This was like, they went to a different location and thought, oh, it'll be good. But it was not. You know what? Regardless, I'm just very confused about what the fuck is happening at this location. It sounds like there's some sort of like, wormhole. It sounds like, yes, a portal! Multiple realities.

Somebody's shifting. The cook keeps shifting everyone into different realities. He's just like taking a nap back there and like shifting everybody and no one knows where the asparagus went. One reality has potatoes and asparagus. And which one do I wanna be in? The other one doesn't have asparagus.

I don't know. I'm so confused. So this is from Nellie. It's a review of The Other Place Too in Waverly, Iowa. And Nellie says, my sister and I were recently on a road trip through middle America and stopped for the night in a tiny little town by the name of Waverly, Iowa. And Nellie says, my sister and I were recently on a road trip through middle America and stopped for the night in a tiny little town by the name of Waverly, Iowa. As we got close to town, we decided to try and find a dinner establishment and

let's just say the options weren't great. So this is a restaurant called The Other Place Two. Yeah. Yeah. So that's already makes me think that there were two places in this town. LOL. This was the second one, or no, this was the other place. Yeah, the second place. And then it like burned down so they had to rebuild it. It's literally, oh my gosh. I think you're probably right. Right? How else would you come up with that name? So this is a review by Joseph, one star. Perhaps I am just on a rampage to destroy my views on restaurants one stop at a time, or perhaps Mercury is in retrograde, whatever that means.

We arrived at the other place too this evening, the OP as people like to call it. And by the way, they spelled it O-H space P-E-E. I'm like, I feel like when people say OPP they're not saying O-P-E. Oh like urination so but whatever that's how he spells it. We arrived at the... I mean there might be something we're missing about this place. Maybe. It might just be I mean really smelly. Maybe um we'll see we'll see. We arrived at the other place too this evening the O-P as people like to call it in hopes to dine on their hand cut, hand breaded onion rings.

As we walked in we were greeted by a disheveled looking host that greeted us and asked us whether we would like a table or a booth. Politely we followed our normal procedure and responded with, booth please, to which he replied, take your pick. Now I may be mistaking the meaning of the sign adorning the entryway of the restaurant that clearly read, please wait to be seated, but we moved on through the restaurant to seat ourselves. Now, I'm sure it may have something to do with the recent freeze of the ground layer as manure does not do well in the winter, but it seems the cultivation of produce in the middle of the United States of America, or perhaps the grocery store across the street,

wasn't a viable option, but the requested onion rings on a dead Saturday night were not a viable option. As this was a craving that we had discussed dinner options together, what? Hold on. Is this their way of saying they were out of onions? Yes.

There's a lot, there are a lot of words here. Which ones, manure? And I just wanna make sure that I'm understanding that they're saying this restaurant was out of onions. So they couldn't make it. Yeah, it was not even clear. That's how convoluted that sentence was. They were out of onion rings.

This must be what it's like to listen to our podcast. Oh, you're probably right. You're probably right. So convoluted, we're saying so much about nothing. And it's like, they never even said the thing they were gonna try to say. Yeah. Wow. And everyone's like, why, why didn't you just say it?

Anyway. One more paragraph. As this was a craving that was had, we discussed dinner options together and had dined on our appetizer mozzarella sticks. Ultimately, we had decided we would not be eating our true dinner at this restaurant as the craving satisfaction was no longer a viable option.

In retrospect, it just goes to show, quote, if you liked it, should have put a ring on it. Beyonce. That's how it ends, right? It's just like lunacy. This is our podcast. Rambling about nothing. And then quoting Beyonce.

And then we say a joke that everyone's like, what? That doesn't even make sense. You're like, you had to be there, even though now it probably still doesn't make sense. And you and I just laugh and everyone's like, uh huh, okay, next episode. But no, that is... Like the most long-winded and confusing sentence ever heard. But I get what they're saying, but the way they said it is so funny to me. I kind of love it.

They were wasting everyone's time and you know what? Their time was wasted. Let them get back at us all. I guess so. Thanks for dragging me through. I so I love me so I get it look if I don't get my onion rings when I'm craving it so own up to you know they owned up to that fact and that feeling that they had and they were like we're not gonna dine here you didn't meet my we had very specific

expectations on it and maybe how many stars actually doesn't say I said one star cuz it was negative but the screenshot just shows their name so I'm We had very specific expectations. You should have put a ring on it. And maybe this- How many stars was it? Actually, it doesn't say. I said one star because it was negative, but the screenshot just shows their name. So I'm assuming, I mean, it was definitely negative because he said, perhaps I'm on a rampage to destroy my views on restaurants. Or Mercury's retrograde. It's like there's no in between. No in between.

It's like- It's either planets or your own self-sabotage. Okay. So this is one that I found of a Wendy's in Fort Myers, Florida. This is a one star review by Carla. I would give them zero stars if I could. Wendy's has this huge promotion about mercury in retrograde. I had a coupon for the free chicken sandwich, which falls on this day

and they refused to honor it They did not even give me my food only the other item that was ordered. They are liars and do not care I mean, it's fast food but having three kids. This is our go-to no more I hope you lose all your customers for your illegal promotions end of review Now I wasn't because I wanted to know about this Wendy's mercury in retrograde kind of surprised by that I will say when you first start talking about it I thought it was gonna be like anti astrology like very oh like like they just didn't get what they were promised oh yeah yeah it's gonna be like something deeper like how like promote something like I looked up the dates

and their coupon I mean I don't know what their coupon said, but the date they visited the restaurant did fall on the free sandwich day. So it should, I'm inclined to believe that they were in the right here. Okay. And I have a quote here from foodandwine.com and listen, I'm no Munch Squad, I'm no Justin McElroy,

but I'm just gonna give you like the little headline here from foodandwine.com from today, Friday, April 21st through May 14th, and this is I believe 2023. The entire time Mercury is in retrograde, Wendy's will be serving up a Mercury menu with Bogo faves and freebies on orders placed through the Wendy's app.

So it was just some kind of dumb promotion where they had different sales every day. What a random promotion. I mean, it might be one of those like at participating locations things, you know. Yeah. Or they were like they didn't get it through the app. Or that. Oh, true. It showed up. True. It could be that. And we're like, this says I get a free thing.

Some technicality, yeah. OK, so now back to reviewer, or back to listeners emails. This is from Laura, she, her, it's my last one. And it's of a place called Portland Burger. And it is a three-star review. I'm just gonna say positive because you'll see. This one is like, it felt like, oh, crumbs, Puss in Boots is hacking up a hairball of

disappointment because I was like, what am I even reading? I'm closing my computer. I'm done. So that's kind of how I remember feeling when I read this. So this is the last one. Got it.

Capper to our show. This is a three-star read by Brian. When I entered the restaurant, I knew I had come to that intersection where culinary excellence meets the surreal. I ordered a burger, fries, and one Diet Coke because we older guys have to keep our figure slender, chiseled, and blood sugar below 400. The man who served us began speaking in tongues. No one else could understand what he was saying, but I understood him because I am in tune, if you know what I mean. He was telling us, sit anywhere you want, the pot machine is over there, and beware that mercury will be going into retrograde

soon! We sat down at a table by the window. Before we could prepare ourselves, we must have passed through a time portal. I say this because when I looked down at the table, I found only two bites of my burger remaining. I finished the burger. It was delicious. When my friend finished her burger, our empty baskets levitated to the garbage receptacle and stacked themselves. Our waiter came over on a magic carpet and asked us if we needed anything else. We said no. He thanked us and handed us each an envelope that we were told to open after we had left the restaurant. Okay, I have no idea. Did I miss something? I have no idea. Is this some sort of reference? I don't get it. I don't know. I'm so glad you all don't get it because I felt like I was losing my mind. Where are we? What is this? I don't even remember. There's three sentences left. I don't

think they're going to give you any more clarity, but I'll read them just in case. What is this a review of? Oh, Portland burger, a burger place? Yeah. Like it's in Portland, Oregon. Like, do you know like, what the fuck? Like, I don't just a burger. I have no, yes. I mean, I, I'm not saying asking all this, cause I think that the basket was actually levitating. I'm just like, why, what, what is it? What the burger joint featuring diverse toppings, micro brews and karaoke nights in rock and roll themed digs

Like it's literally just an average like burger grill. I just I bar and grill. Okay continue. I'm sorry Okay, this is the last bit here He thanked us and handed us each an envelope that we were told to open after we had left the restaurant My envelope had $250,000 in dimes, a pair of tickets to see the Moody Blues on August 5th, 1976, and a pack of juicy fruit chewing gum. My friend's envelope contained the deed to a plush vineyard in France, a brand new Ford Mustang with all the bells and whistles, and a Tommy gun. I had a good time. I would definitely go back and reveal.

I just like have such a headache every time I read that. I feel like this is when you're talking to someone at a party and then you realize like they've lost you, like, but you have to keep playing along because it's like you've missed a few words and you don't understand what's going on. And then suddenly they're saying. This would never be that.

This is like if you're talking to someone in a dream. Yeah, okay. This is not, there's no reality. It's more like someone's explaining their dream. Like, and then my tray floated away. If someone started to talk to me like this, like I know I'm like, I nod along a lot, pretend to know what's going on a lot, like.

This is not one of those times. But in this case, I'd have to stop them. I'd be like, stop. I don't know what bit this is. I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what bit this is. But I can't, I can't, I can't deal with this right now. And I'd say, please stop. Or I just walk away. I don't know. And that's, for me saying please stop to someone, it feels like I'm yelling at them. Like that seems extreme to ask someone to stop. Oh yes, it's a final, a last resort. That seems extreme to ask someone to stop. A last resort. But this would get me to that point

because I think, what are you talking about? Why am I listening to this? It's so weird because half of it is so generic and half of it is so not. It's so insane. The burger was really good, there's the pop machine, we sat by the window. And then like it feels like a dream. Yeah. Either a very specific niche reference

that I don't want to know the source material. Like some time travel, pulp fiction like drama. I don't know. I don't know. You know, as a, as a form of, of, of art on the internet, I'm going to say it has its place, but keep it away from me. I hated that. I don't know why I am so, this is so feeling so strongly about it, but stop it. Yes. I don't have room for this. I don't have space for this. I don't have mental space I don't have spiritual space. I Think after all this Shrek bullshit, I'm just like, you know what like we had all this this episode Is almost over. The last thing I need is to think about what the fuck this person was trying to do with their weird

Yeah, it's like I just don't have Surreal review. I'm with you. I am unwell. I was unwell before this episode. That didn't help. I continue to be unwell. It hurt, but hopefully my therapist will be able to touch on these feelings that I'm having when I see her on Tuesday. It all started with a Shrek theme.

when I see her on Tuesday. It all started with a Shrek theme. Where my sister asked me to describe why Shrek was so culturally relevant. I'm gonna send this audio to my therapist and say, Hey, count this as one and a half sessions. Yeah, this is, bill me, probably two, I don't know how long this episode is, maybe two sessions, bill me, and then let's talk about it on Tuesday. And then can you just tell me so that and I'll pay for half just so that we split the cost. Okay great. If our podcast ends and we don't have an episode after this, it's my therapist doing it. Things have gone badly. My therapist is like this is not helping. Your sister, you're not,

you're cutting off all contact with your sister. She's not healthy for you. You'll know everyone, you'll know. Yeah you you'll know. You'll find out. Okay. We're gonna get, I'm gonna get like comments or something like, I guess your therapist didn't and I'd be like, I'm gonna be like, what? Yeah, we're not gonna know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm not gonna have any memory of this. Are you and Zandy in a fight? Wait, what? Are we? I feel like I'm gonna be so confused. Anyway, sorry everyone. That just spiraled a little. No. Anyway, sorry, I just would spiral a little. No, you never. Oh, this was fun though.

I did like this episode overall. It's all. Yeah. And against all odds, we did it. We liked it. Everyone, thanks for being here. Our Patreon changes go live in like no time, really soon, like a week from when this episode comes out.

So basically it's coming out and then we'll talk about it more next week, obviously, because it's the day that it comes out, our new $10 tier. So check that all out. You can go already and watch the video episode, see what it's like. It's on there for everyone, not just $2 patrons,

free people, if you sign up for free also. Yeah, you can watch the sample, yeah. So you don't even need to pay us to go watch that. Good call. If you just want to enjoy that. I don't know even if you don't sign up just it's kind of fun. Anyway and our live shows are starting really soon in like a month or something so that's kind of crazy. So go get your tickets before they sell out in a couple places. They're starting soon and we can't wait to see you all on tour. There's one ticket left in every town. It's going to be so every town. Go get it. Or two if there's two of you. Or two if you have X amount and Xs however many tickets you would need for your group.

That's how many tickets are left so go buy them. That's your last chance unless you forget and realize the day before the show. Then you can check again just in case. I wonder how this marketing tactic is working. It doesn't work on people like us who have demand avoidance issues. So what if I say this? Don't buy tickets. I was going to say next time we could try a different tactic.

Or we could just do it now. Don't see. Oh yeah, maybe I'll do that next week. Okay. We'll workshop it. Okay. Thanks everyone for listening. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog Production, hosted and produced by Zandy

and Christine Schieffer. Edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Zilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.