Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 286: Reviews of Jude Law

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

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Hello. Hello, gavnat. Okay, I'm not letting you go. Hello and welcome to episode 286 of Beachy Sandywater Toet. This is our episode where, of course, we do Jude Law reviews. Impersonations. Wait, what? Is that not what this is? I said impersonations.

Oh, we do Jude Law impersonation. No, we don't. That's what I thought we were here for. That's not what we're doing. That's why I sounded just like Jude Law was a guest on the episode. That's who that was. Well, obviously don't. That's what I thought we were here for. That's not what we're doing. That's why I sounded just like Jude Law was a guest on the episode. That's who that was. Well, obviously. Okay.

It was not obvious to me or anyone else. It was pretty obvious who that was. It was not. Welcome. Oh, and my challenge for those curious is from M Reviews that Mentioned Six Cats. Which apparently, do you know the story behind that? I think it was mentioned in maybe our first episode as a potential challenge. It was the example you and I gave as a possible

challenge to give listeners an idea of what it might look like and then it was just a dumb example we threw out there. Oh! And now it's reality. What a dumb idea. It probably was me to be clear. I thought it was fun to bring that one back. I did too. Yeah. The ultimate throwback. I did want to say this is our first episode that you can listen to ad free and that you

can fully watch if you're a patron. Like, why did I not shower today? Remember when I showered three weeks ago, like in preparation for the episode and I was like, look at me, here I am. And then you were like, it's not for another three weeks. Today I arrived unshowered and I'm so sorry. Really tempting these people to sign up. Yeah, isn't that appealing guys?

I do have a cat on my lap. Is that helpful? Yeah. I can't even see him. I don't want to upset him here. Here he is. Oh, he looks very mad want to upset him here. Here he is. Oh, there he is. Oh, he looks very mad. So upset him anyway.

Look, he even scratched my fucking neck. You can see like the whole range of what it's like living as me. Wow. What a, what the dream come true for so many of you. Me, Jude Law. But if that's, if that's something you don't need to see for the $5 patrons, you're getting ad free listening.

You don't have to listen to our beautiful ads that we do and record and, uh, me trying to, uh, pay for my rent and health insurance. Um, but you're also paying me. So I was like, are you not complaining? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. About paying. Either way, I appreciate you. Um, either way, we're very thankful because you make our lives possible. Either I appreciate you all, or I appreciate all of our sponsors. Use code beach to Sandy. When I'm, I'm being an idiot.

$10 patrons. You get in our video episodes. You get to see this, see this bullshit on video. You're so welcome. This is our first one. So, um, enjoy. Uh, yeah. And, um, there's going to be a so welcome. This is our first one. So, um, enjoy. Uh, yeah. And, um, there's going to be a lot of pantomiming in this one because it's Jude Law Reviews. So right. And he's known to be, he's a mime.

That's how he started his career started. Yeah. He was a mime, um, of the most handsome mime. And then he was picked out of the lineup of mimes. To be chosen for, for a, for a chosen for the A-list. So stupid. From the mime school. I'm trying to go ahead and read a review. Is that okay? Sure. Okay. This is a review that I found of Jude Law, one star. This is a law firm, personal injury and bankruptcy law firm

in Denver, Colorado. What? Do you have this place? Uh-huh. Uh-oh. Do you have this review, you think? Maybe Jude Law sent it in. Julio sent it in, which now come to think of it, his name's a little too close for comfort. Yeah, that was, I love how you just called Julio Jude Law. The worst part is Julio's not even going to be like flattered because he's like, you think everyone is Jude Law. Like it's not a compliment. Like you just think every stranger on the street is Jude Law. It's true. Oh yeah. If you didn't know that, that's a thing for her. I realized how weird it is that this episode is a thing. But yeah, she like has claimed she's seen Jude Law probably 12 times in her life.

And none of them have been accurate. We're the real one. Because as a little brother, of course, when I hear that, I immediately Google things to try to prove it wrong. He goes on Reddit and has to like find out where Jude Law is filming. And I'm like, why would you do that? He's in Shanghai, I told you.

Yeah. I'm looking at him. I'm on the sub Redditdit. Where is Jude Law? And it's just people telling, updating his location all the time. I'm the moderator. Actually I got kicked out. I was like he's here and everyone's like no. Misinformation. Yeah you got banned. Um. I did. Well that's awkward. I'm hoping you don't have two of the other reviews. Because I found all these myself. I didn't look at emails. I see. So I'm worried now. two of the other reviews because I found all these myself. I didn't look at email. I see. I'm worried now. Well, okay. Let's see. You go ahead. This, I have one from, from Julio as well. So maybe it's a different one, but go ahead. I'm afraid that you might have the other two ones. If you went down

this kind of route or people went down this route. Here we go. One star. We'll see. This was absolutely the worst experience ever. It's stressful enough to have to consider filing bankruptcy, but then to have the first person I met when I sat down tell me my husband needs to better manage his schedule if he's going to go through the process I thought was exceptionally rude and presumptuous. This was supposed to be a consultation, not a commitment, so I didn't feel my husband needed to be there. And I'm certainly glad he wasn't, because it would have been a total waste of his time. Next, when I was pawned off to the guy in the back, he first told me, you make a lot of money. Which implied to me that I had no reason to be filing, since I made that kind of money. He kept saying negative terms like, I won't even consider. I will not. Not until you

pay me. Right off the cuff, I felt like it was about him making money and not helping his potential client. Oh, and did I mention the massive carrot that was perched above my head without a cage? There was bird poop all over the floor that I had to walk through to get to this guy's desk! However, the lady was kind enough to position my chair so the bird didn't crap on my head. End of Rufy. That was very kind.

Wow. That was so thoughtful of her to move the chair so you didn't get shit on. And I cut out a couple paragraphs because it was so long about this bankruptcy law firm or whatever. But I'm so glad I read through the whole thing originally because I was like, what? A parrot? Just out of nowhere. And then there's a last paragraph that's completely about the business.

I'm like, hello, this parrot is just above your head. I love when they're like, did I mention the parrot? And it's like, I mean, no. No, and I don't think anyone else did. So I'm like, that's, it's crazy. Well, I mean, she got pawned off to the guy in the back. So who knows what that's all about. Maybe that's not everybody's experience, but that is actually one of the first

ones I was going to read as well. But I hadn't quite, I have like 14. Um, so don't worry. And also, uh, did you look into this guy, this Jude law business? No. Like why it's called Jude law? Cause the person's name is last name is Jude. Yeah.

So it's like, yeah, blank Jude law, Jude Law. And I'm like, I don't know if that was intent. Like, do you think that was intentional? I'd like to sound like the actor. I would hope so. Really? Yeah. Well, because remember when dad said his banker was named Marilyn Monroe and he had a business card that said Marilyn Monroe PNC bank. And we were like, what the fuck? And he, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he like would talk about that said Maryland Monroe PNC Bank. And we were like, what the fuck? And he, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he like would talk about that time he met and he fucking tricked me once. He tricked everyone.

He would say, oh, I met, I met Marilyn Monroe. And then he would pull, he literally folks, like instead of a picture of us in his wallet, he would keep the business card of Marilyn Monroe at PNC bank in his wallet and like pull it out at dinner parties. And we were always like, not this again. But yeah, I was fooled as well. And I was like, are you that old? Like, you know her? I was so confused. The thing is he pulls it, like he tells a lot of stories multiple times. So by now I know so many of them. We've memorized most. I'd like to think I've memorized by now, but I feel like

it's one that's a little less common. So he's tricked me with this multiple times Yeah, cuz I'm always like multiple times in my life that I thought my father met Marilyn. It's hard to know what's really happening here Um, well, I guess he did but the one that people normally think of I mean, maybe I'll go to this law firm I mean, it's not open anymore, but then I can actually say I did meet you long you can say nothing about it. So And I wouldn't that's fine. You can go meet this Jude Law in Denver, Colorado. Have fun. Thanks. Um, I just want to meet the parrot to be honest, but whatever. Uh, okay. So this, so this is, uh, from Stephanie, she, they, who says this person claims to have sat next to Jude Law but has no proof I feel like this is just like Christine claiming to have seen him aka didn't first of all Stephanie

incredibly rude and also accurate This is a this is something. I don't often do I am starting off with a cruise critic Wow Jumping right into the fire jumping Jumping right in and into the off the plank into exhausted after the first 20 minutes of this episode. No, I'm so sorry. I never usually start off. Although it's only one post. So that's why I brought it first. It's not like a conversation. It's just one person's post. And that was weird. I just heard thousands of people breathing a sigh of I was like what happened? Oh, oh I've made their day good for me. Okay, so this reviewer, I'm sorry this poster, her name is Sarah. She's posted 2004 times and for

some reason, which is like the reason I clicked on her, it says that she has like a badge on her profile on her picture that says rare. Oh, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I was like, rare what? And I tried to look into it and I can't figure out what rare means. If you're posting 2004 time, I don't think you're that rare. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I was, I thought the same thing. So okay, well, I'm glad neither of us know what that means. So this is her post. And I believe it was about, it was in response to like somebody asking how their trip was. Hubby and I went to London yesterday for lunch and tour of Buckingham Palace Gardens. I was pleased and quite surprised to see most people on the train wore masks. We had booked lunch at our favorite London restaurant, the Woolsey. The Woolsey. I was quite nervous. Jude Law? Wait, did Jude Law just repeat that? That was so weird. Isn't that weird? It's one of the new iOS features. Like when you say

something, you say like, say you say, let's see, uh, uh, crumpet and then it goes crumpet and that's Jude lot. Uh, you cut out there for me and it's funny because I'm sure I swear. And I, I'm sure I swear that I feel like that has not happened. The good news is I can do it again. What that it not happened. The good news is I can do it again. Virtually. What? That it protected me. Some higher power. It's a new iOS feature that you are the only one who didn't get it because.

That was so, oh my God, that was so weird how I just got. So I'll say like crump it and then iOS will go crump it. No, now I heard it. And translate it. Yeah. Okay. I mean, you know, it makes a lot of sense. So, uh, let's see, Wolseley. I was quite nervous about eating indoors and worried about how cramped it. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. So let's see, Wolseley. I was quite nervous about

eating indoors and worried about how cramped it would be, but I needn't have worried. Tables weren't too close and it didn't feel very busy at all. The waiting staff wore masks, as did many of the customers walking through to tables and lose. The food was good. I had the best Kedgree I'd ever had, plus a lemon meringue tart. I should have taken my photo after I'd cut into the delicious oozy egg. Jude Law, the actor, was sat at the table next to ours. It's so hard not to keep looking when you've seen a famous face.

Buckingham Palace Gardens were lovely. It's the first year they've allowed people to picnic in the grounds and sit on the big lawn. End of review. people to picnic in the grounds and sit on the big lawn. End of review. And there is a picture, but it's not of the, of Jude Law. At least I took a picture of Jude Law. When I saw him. But it turns out it wasn't Jude Law. Yeah, but at least I have proof that it looks like Jude Law.

But it doesn't. Okay. That's what's interesting about your photo is it doesn't. Okay. All right. You go now. Your turn. That's what's interesting about your photo is it doesn't look any... Okay. All right. You go now. Your turn. Get away from me. Wait, before I read my next review, do you have a favorite Jude Law film? I mean, I always knew Jude Law from the Chronicles. Yeah, that's actually fair. It's a very fair question. I didn't mean that as an intro. No, no, because I'm not like, I'm not, I'm not really knowledgeable about films whatsoever,

but I do know of him from being Sir Tumnus is my first, uh, my first memory of Jude Law was seeing that movie. Chronicles of Narnia at the Kenwood theater in the Kenwood mall. I kind of forgot that he was Sir Thomas. Yeah, that's one of my main touchstone. Seems so strange. And then I rewatched the holiday last year and that feels like a pretty classic one. So I finally have like another cultural touchstone to kind of put to grasp like who

Jude Law really is. Yeah. That makes sense. For me, I think Enemy at the Gates was a movie that that my friend John and I we would we watched multiple times. Never heard of it. Quote all the fucking time. It was like one of our favorite movies back in like, I don't know if this was middle school, high school. I have a terrible memory. But yeah, so we loved that movie. I haven't seen it in years. But I

love that one. And then in biology class in high school, we watched Gattaca, which was really good. Oh, he said that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then he's also in talented Mr. Ripley, who or which was a also an enjoyable film. And well, he's not in this. But I recently watched Ripley, the like, mini series, believe it or not remake of that film that's currently on Netflix, I think is brand new. And really enjoyed that too. Congratulations. Thank you. It was it was it's been I'm not gonna watch it if to laws not in it. He's not but I think I think I've only ever seen

Chronicles of Narnia. I think you'd I'm not even joking. I Jude Law's not in it. That's my rule. That's why I've only ever seen Chronicles of Narnia. I'm not even joking. I think you'd really like it. Very thriller. Yeah. Yeah, anyway. Here's a review I have from a letter boxed of Enemy at the Gates.

And I'll just read the description. A Russian and a German sniper play a game of cat and mouse during the Battle of Stalingrad in World War II, starring Jude Law, Joseph Fiennes, Rachel Weiss, Ed Harris. It's like a thrill. It's pretty intense. It's good. I don't know. I really liked it when I was younger.

I haven't seen it in years, but anyway, here's a review. Yeah, but you also liked that other movie. It's the one where they're in a rainforest, Tropic Thunder. Avatar? Okay, well yeah, because I was like, I have not seen, also not seen that movie near, what do you, Tropic Thunder? That's not like one of my movies. Why would you bring that one up?

No, but, because one time you were allowed to pick a movie from Blockbuster even though Selene was coming over, because you had Raymond or somebody coming over. Really? So Selene and I tried to watch it with you, and we were like, we hate this movie. And I was so embittered that I didn't get to pick a movie. Wow, once in your life, you didn't get to pick a movie. Yeah, it was horrible.

And you're still holding onto it? Yeah. The one time I got to pick something? I could have seen any Jude Laughlin, but no. Like, I don't think I've seen that movie since then. No, I haven't either. So I'm like, what? Like, why would you bring that up right now?

So confused. I talk about it a lot in therapy because not to me. Only to blaze. I thought this was like some weird, like meta weird joke you're making about who was in these movies. Why you're just holding on to this weird thing that I didn't even know happened. I had no idea that happened. I would never have remembered that. It's like, that's when I watched that. That's really hard for me.

But I, yeah, I feel like that was such a, the timing makes sense because I'm like, yeah, that is based on the humor of that film. I feel like back then is when I would have liked it. I don't, I don't think I would have liked it, liked it now as much as I did then. I'd like to think so anyway here's a yeah so Jude Law plays a Russian sniper Vasily Zaitsev who's battling a German Nazi sniper and it's so funny because like it's like the Nazis have American accent okay the Nazis have like American accents but all the like Russians have British accent it's a whole so all the reviews were really

funny with that they're like oh yeah like oh is that like it just like a choice that the director like that they don't know it's just how the actors I think the actors all use their actual accents so I think they're just ended up that way I don't know I mean I guess if you're a really good spy you could probably change your accent it's those things that when I was younger I definitely didn't pay attention to so now I'm't know. I mean, I guess if you're a really good spy, you could probably change your accent. It's those things that when I was younger, I definitely didn't pay attention to. So now I'm reading these reviews. I'm like, oh, that's funny. I didn't even like consider that being a thing. But here's a review. It has nothing to do with any of this. Five stars positive review. Comrade Jude Law can rail me.

And the review. Oh my gosh! That was a lot. It's so bad. That was basically the theme of a lot of Letterboxx. Letterboxx is a surprisingly horny place. Letterboxx is hot for Dude Law. Yeah it is! It is crazy.

My god! I never realized. I was like woah. Cause there's a lot of humor in the reviews but a lot of the reviews are just so fucking horny. It's too fucking horny it's too it's too much it's so but it's so funny everyone's got the hots for dude law um let's see i have one from okay so i was a nerd this is a film that i have not seen i mean which is understandable because it came out in 2012 and i feel like this would not have been our demographic whatsoever. But it's a movie called Rise of the Guardians. Have you heard of this? No,

sounds cheesy. Don't look at it because I did. A for you, okay? So this is something by Phoenix and Phoenix wrote, hello again, sheafers, here are some riveting reviews of Rise of the Guardians released in 2012 written by kids and teens. So I was reading these reviews and looking through them and I'm going, what is this movie? Usually if I'm reading reviews about a movie, especially written by kids and teens, I kind of get the gist of what's going on here.

I say especially by kids and teens, that's not true. Usually kids and teens are not clear whatsoever in their reviews. A lot of times parents of kids and teens are very explicit about what's going on. I just let you say that. And then I thought, what a ridiculous statement. I know. I realized as I said, I was like, that's so false.

I'm glad you caught yourself. So I thought to myself, okay, these reviews make no sense. But like I said, that's pretty standard. However, usually if that's the case, I can just look up the movie and be like, oh, I see what they're referencing. I was like more confused when I looked this flick up. Okay, let me just read to you the synopsis and I tried to shorten it. It's still pretty fucking long because it's this reads like its own fucking

review. I don't even know how to tell you what's about to happen. It feels like a someone had a bad dream. Like it feels like somebody is what it's I'm not looking at but rise of the guardians. Yeah. And it feels sort of like do you have any idea what this is about like any general gist I like it feels like either like superhero Eve right kind of sounding like that's what I was thinking like Guardians of the Galaxy yeah yeah something in that vein or it's like a bunch of like parental units standing up like I don't know the guardians all the

chaperones at the museum yeah no so let me just read this to you this is what wiki says about this film Jack Frost awakens from a frozen poem with him okay thank you because literally have no Is this a Christmas music movie? No. Oh, what? I'll see you later. Okay, I'm sorry. I should let you talk, but- No, but see, okay. I'm glad because I felt like maybe

I had missed some sort of cultural thing that like everybody understood, but like- Is this a claymation film? It's not. It's animated though. I believe it's animated. Oh, it is animated. Okay, okay. I believe so. This is an animated movie with the main character being Jack Frost and it's not. Oh, it is animated. Okay. Okay. I believe so.

This is an animated movie with the main character being Jack Frost and it's not a Christmas film. Correct. I know Alex Inter. I know that's what I'm saying is what was so confusing. And Chris Pine is the voice of Jack Frost, by the way. Wow. And Hugh Jackman and Alec Baldwin and Isla Fisher are also all in this film.

Okay. What? I know. I know. That's why I was so confused. Okay. I want to look, I will look it up later and I'm like after you're done and I have to, I want to see if it looks familiar at all because it feels like it should be already. I mean, I can show you a picture if that's helpful of the movie. I mean, I'll look it up. You read your page. Okay. I'll just read it. Check it. Jack Frost awakens from a frozen pond with amnesia and realizes that no one can see or look it up. You read your page and then I'll check it. later in present day when the man in the moon warns Nicholas Saint North that the evil spirit Pitch Black, voiced by Jude Law, has returned, threatening children with his nightmares. North summons E. Aster Bunnymund, the Sandman, and Toothiana, who's the Tooth Fairy. Is this so it's like a holiday? It's about all these magical, like mythical creatures.

Not holiday specific creatures that are- Yeah, so Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Jack Frost, uh, Okay. I guess I see now how it's not a Christmas film. Yeah, it's more like- At least has other- A generic holiday gathering. Generic, just like generic.

Okay. Wow. Fascinating. But it gets, it gets weirder. Believe it or not. They are informed that Jack Frost has been chosen to join them as a new guardian. So they haphazardly bring him to the North Pole, whatever that means. Jack learns that every baby tooth contains the childhood memories of its owner. His teeth included. And I said to myself, wait, this snowman has fucking teeth?

Cause he is a snowman in the film. And I'm like, so this fucking snowman, at least I think he's a snowman. Maybe he's not, maybe I've just- You're just making all this up. Maybe I'm making it up. I think I'm just thinking of Jack Frost, like in the traditional sense,

but I guess maybe he doesn't have, he's not a snowman? Question mark? Maybe not. Okay, so anyway, Jack learns that his own baby teeth contain all his memories. Remember, he has amnesia, so he wants to find out. I don't know how. Okay. Shocked, he wishes to find his tooth to recover his memories. However- Wait, he lost a tooth? I don't know. I'm like, where did the tooth go? Does he have not? Why don't he? Oh, because he has, I mean, he has one tooth. Now he has adult teeth. But like, did he only? Yeah, right. Baby teeth. Oh, I see. Okay. What the fuck? How did he lose it? Like, I assume he just disposed of it as one might do.

As a normal person would. However, Pitch Jude Jude Law, kidnaps tooth-subordinate fairies and steals all of their teeth! This is like the most upsetting film! Like, doesn't it sound like a nightmare a child would have? Like with pliers? Like, rip them all out? I don't know! Or do they just have bags of teeth? Either way, someone's a villain. It's scary! Either the people with bags of teeth or the fucking guy pulling them out. It's so scary. Jesus. This reduces children's belief in tooth and weakens her.

To thwart Pitch's plan, the group collects children's teeth. Okay, I just like, I don't know. All right. They're the good guys? Yeah. So one of the children they're taking teeth from is Jamie Bennett, who wakes up while they're taking his teeth. I'm so afraid of this movie. Jack Pitch's nightmares attack the Guardians and Pitch kills him. And I don't think they mean the child. I really think they mean…

I don't know who they mean. Anyway, as Easter approaches, the Guardians travel to Bunny's home next, determined not to let Pitch ruin Easter. Jack is lured to Pitch's lair, where he finds his teeth. Pitch distracts him long enough for the nightmares to destroy Bunny's eggs, ruining Easter and causing children to stop believing in Bunny. So Jack flees to Antarctica, Pitch breaks his magic staff and throws him down a chasm. Jack unlocks the memories inside his teeth. He learns he was once a human who drowned trying to save his younger sister. Then every child in the world

has stopped believing except Jamie who woke up when they were stealing his teeth and he's like, oh, I remember. And Jamie's belief is wavering, probably because he's in trauma therapy, and they're like, let's detach from those memories. Jack makes it snow in his room, causing Jamie to believe in them again, blah, blah, blah. Jack realizes that his center is fun, and that's his magical power. He resurrects Sandy? Who's Sandy?

Who's Sandy? I have no idea. The Sandman. Oh, the Sandman. The Children's Dreams Prove Stronger Than the Nightmares. They drag Pitch, voiced by Jude Law. I wrote that again. I did. I didn't realize I wrote it twice. But Jack Frost finally accepts his place as a guardian of fun. Okay, that is the fucking what? Okay, is that oh, that's a synopsis on Wikipedia, right? Oh, okay. Looking at this picture, I just googled, I just looked it up on letterbox and looking at the Yeah, I feel like I remember that this was a thing. Yeah, but I knew clearly knew nothing

about it because this is all extremely shocking and upsetting to hear. It's like really alarming. I am not a fan of what I just heard. It's all the tooth talk that's getting me kind of upset. I don't know. But I mean, it's as a 3.5. I feel like it's one of the, it might be one of those things where, yeah, when you put

it like that, it sounds terrible. If you put it just on paper, it's like, hmm. Yeah. This is the, I mean, this is Peter Ramsey directed it who also directed Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse so which is just like I mean wow. It's gotta be something. It might be not that bad I don't know but like when you put it that way holy shit what the fuck. Yeah and I tried to to like short, I mean, I like, listen, this is my understanding of what this film is, is what I just read to you. That's about as much as I know. Yeah.

I'm just going to read you a two star review real quick. This is by a kid called the two hot rods. And, uh, this kid believes it's ages five and up this movie and it's two stars. And the title is MESSED UP. Pfft. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. When the Tooth Ferry is really Hummingbird, Santa is a street thug rather than a jolly old man. The Sandman is a mute. Jack Frost Jack Frost well I never really knew much about him at all before I paid attention to life Can you please read that sentence one more time? Yeah this is like when kids- What? I love it

This is like Kids can say stuff that makes me laugh so much I love it, it makes me so happy, it's so funny The way- this is like how Francisco used to talk. We were like, what are you even saying? And it's one of those things where you like, when we were at an age and she was talking like that, we were like, oh my God, stop.

And then we were like, oh, in hindsight, I'm like, yeah, that's how I talk when I'm serious. For sure, that's how all kids probably talk. It's just so funny to me. Oh my God. When the Tooth fairy is really hummingbird woman santa is a street thug rather than a jolly old man the sandman is a mute jack frost well i never really knew much about him at all before i paid attention to life

amen kid Amen, kid. Oh, you're crying. This is so, so good. I didn't... I never really knew much about him at all before I paid attention to life, so I can't say anything. But the Easter Bunny is an Australian hunter. What I'm trying to say is this movie is just the two-star disappointing Common Sense Let Me Give It, but that is just my opinion.

This title contains too much consumerism. Oh, that I believe. I believe it too. With all the holiday stuff. No, but I honestly, those descriptions, I'm like, hell yeah, the Easter Bunny's an Australian hunter? That sounds like a badass. I'm kind of in, like if that's true in the movie.

I did find a very quick two and a half star, four and a half star, it's a positive review, four and a half star review of this film on Letterboxd. Do share. Here it is. How are Marvel going to call Infinity War the most ambitious crossover event when this film literally exists? Yes! Amen. Amen. I'm just glad that it wasn't as perverted about Jude Law as the other Jude Law movie reviews. All right, your turn now. Or that wasn't your real review, right? No, I didn't have that prepared. But then I'll read another one. This review is of the

talented Mr. Ripley, which had some of the best reviews. The thing is, and this one probably included, they were, they would be, they were a lot better with, uh, knowing the film, a lot of them. So like, if you've seen this movie, just go on letterbox and read these reviews. They're so fucking funny. But, um, this one, I feel like, I don't know, it can be funny for other people, but here we go. Here is a, uh, the description of it. Tom Ripley is a calculating young man who believes it's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody Opportunity knocks in the form of a wealthy US shipbuilder who hires Tom to travel to Italy to bring back his playboy son Dickie Ripley worms his way into the idyllic lives of Dickie and his girlfriend plunging into a daring scheme of duplicity lies and

murder It is Matt Damon Jude Law girlfriend plunging into a daring scheme of duplicity, lies, and murder. It is Matt Damon, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Cate Blanchett. Wait, I want to see this flick. This sounds good. I'm telling you, Christina, you would love it. And I think the, the, the, uh, the remake, I would call it the, the series, the mini series on Netflix also so good. Having no, knowing the plot, like it's

basically the same thing. You know I love my Matt Damon, my Jude Law. I'm in. There you go. And then, but the other one, the Netflix one stars Andrew Scott, who I fucking love. Also my favorite. So good. I mean, just like one of the best. So I highly recommend. That's actually the main reason I watched it because I was like, oh shit, like I enjoyed

that story. I fucking love him. Let's fucking go. And it was really good. That fits him. And Dakota Fanning was really good in it. As was, so the other one, Johnny Flynn, who I was not familiar with, he played Dickie Greenleaf and I, he was also so, it was just so good.

Okay, highly recommend it. Anyway, here is a review of the talented Mr. Ripley, the film from 1999. TBH, if 1999 Jude Law called me boring, I would apologize and immediately drown myself to not inconvenience him any further. And maybe that's what happened to Jack Frost. That's how he ended up for 300 years under that frozen ass lake. So true. Oh my god. It's like a fucking villain.

It's a prequel kind of thing. Yeah. Oh my god. I would drown myself and just to stop the inconvenience. Wow. Now that's almost worse than all the horny ones. That's like troubling. People are fucking crazy.

No, it's like, like my people are on this, you know, it's like mentally unwell are on this website. It's great. It's full of instability, which is just really relatable. The way with words that these people have when they're writing reviews like I Sometimes I'm kind of annoyed by them, but most of the time it's just so fucking funny It's like you couldn't have said about it myself come up with this shit. It's like reading my mind. Yeah And like the way people can describe these movies that I've seen before in ways that I'm like, you know what? Weirdly, that makes a lot of sense. There's one I've got to read quick just because I'm here. But someone said,

this is a four star review, starts out as call me by your name for straight people, then becomes American psycho for gay people. I'm sure for for many of you it's like that makes no sense, but I'm like, you know what? I feel like that weirdly makes some sense. It doesn't make sense, but it really gets me to want to watch this. Yes, I recommend it. I think it's also on Netflix. I could be wrong. I may have taken it off, but at one point the film was there, but the show Ripley is also really good so I don't know I just yeah that's all for that that's your hot take well I have good news for you Jude Law 1999 hot nothing nothing could be Jude Law 1999 level see the right when you were yeah yeah where was that I was in the bunk bed below you just sleeping or? Yeah, they didn't want your teeth. Fair.

I'm not going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one.

I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. I'm going to argue with them on that one. And I was in the bunk bed below you just sleeping or? Yeah, they didn't want your teeth. Fair. I'm not going to argue with them on that one. That's yeah. My memories were not interesting I guess at that point. Yeah. Divorced parents? Come on, who cares?

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NutriFull.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com, promo code BEACH2SANDY. That's NutriFull.com, promo code BE to sandy that's neutrophil.com promo code beach to sandy three-star review by crazy zombie 1140 a kid is this of that same damn movie it sure is this is a three-star review I didn't like it, but that is probably just me smiley face I didn't really enjoy this movie, but that is just just me, smiley face. I didn't really enjoy this movie, but that is just me, frown face.

Language, bloody this and bloody that. Kind of like Ron from Harry Potter. Go suck an egg, quote unquote. Sex, I got nothing. What? I doubt it all. What? I don't know. Sex.

I got nothing. Violence. Nightmarish images for kids under seven. Santa uses swords. Disappointing movie. End of review. It's so funny. This is why, Alexander, can you see why I'm reading these and I didn't know what the movie

was and I was like, what the fuck is going on? Everything you read is like, what? Santa uses swords. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm reading these and I didn't know what the movie was and I was like what the fuck is going on everything you

read is like what Santa uses what a sword Santa I thought it was about the tooth fairy I was so confused anyway but like the way people I don't know it's just amazing that these children can describe these movies in such a way that makes me want to see it I and they don't like it. And I'm like, well, can I, can I read you just one more that I have here? Oh wait, no, you know what? I'm going to read these two together next. Um, I'm going to read them back to back on my next turn. So it's your turn. So it's my turn. I'm sorry. Okay. Um, here we go.

Uh, here is a review I found of Abbott's Frozen Custard in Rochester, New York. This was written by someone who's an Elite 24 who has 4,600 friends and almost 17,000 reviews. Who do you think it might be? Is it Fox? It is Fox. Shut up! I was like, there's only one person- Yes, Fox. Ready? Here's a four star review. He's like the guardian of Yelp.

Yes, and here's what our guardian has to say. I feel like Jude Law when I come here, because none of the staff like me and the manager, who looks like Ed Harris, makes me feel like an enemy at the gates. Oh! Location of Abbott's. But no, in all seriousness, it's not my fave Abbott's, because A. There are no outlets in store. B. They took forever to serve me.

C. I asked for a cone. He double checked. Again, I said cone, and he still gave me a dish. D. The cookie dough custard I got here was good but not great. E, the interior isn't nearly as nice as some of the others. However, on the positive side, A, it's still Abbott's,

one of the best custard chains anywhere. And B, the girl working the lobby was really nice to me. So I wouldn't put it up there with my- She has the hots for Jude Law. Who doesn't? So relatable. I mean, pro, yeah. It was probably me. It was probably me.

It was probably you. You met Fox. I thought he was Jude Law. So I wouldn't put it up there with my fave 5-star Abbott's. The best one I've been to is in Henrietta. I wrote a 5-star review of it. It's the 1225 Jefferson Road location. Amazing interior, amazing fresh custard with very fresh tasting cones, good service, generous portions, and plus they told me they'd kill me if I

didn't say this. As for the typical Abbott's remarks, Abbott's slash Bill Gray's share space like Taco Bell slash KFC do in many places. The employees work for both. This location is a total palace. More than enough space for two businesses or five. It's one of my best five custards I've ever had. I think I like custard more than ice cream, more than fro-yo, less than real gelato. For custard specifically, which is sort of like soft-serve but creamier, the best in the country are Leon's in Milwaukee and Nielsen's in Vienna, Virginia and then Abbott's in third. But I can tell you this is the only custard shop in town

named after Bill Gates, end of review. Wow. And I don't even know, I don't understand about the Bill Gates thing. Yeah, why is that after Bill Gates? I don't know, enemy at the Gates was a thing, and then talking about, but saying Bill Graze shares space with them, I don't even know

what Bill Graze is. Oh, what the F? I think it's, let me look it up, I meant to look that up and I forgot. It's a cheeseburger, like a burger chain in Western New York. I feel like we could probably reliably feed AI all of Fox's reviews and have it spit out a pretty on par review written in Fox's voice.

I feel like it could probably hit the mark. Like just, they have such similar, there's so many of them and they are all so similar. I fear, so that you're not wrong because I started reading this review and I was like, oh my God, this is Fox. Yeah, you can tell. And I did before I even looked.

And it's because that first line of like, oh enemy at the gate, like had to make a joke somehow. It's a weird pun or rhyme or a pop culture reference. Yeah. But I will say I don't think you're giving Fox enough credit. No, and I don't even mean to say like, oh, he's too similar across the board. I guess, I guess I just, so the way I initially thought of it- He has a unique voice is what I think. Very unique voice. And he really maintains the voice throughout all of his work, his artistry, and I will also say- Because this is 2015.

Wow, yeah. Like, this is a random year that Fox is always writing reviews. Man. Okay, so the other thing is that I feel like we could probably amass all the reviews, and if somebody took the time, and this is why I said Fed to AI, because I'm like, I don't even, I don't know who has the time, but if somebody has the time to read all of them, they would probably know so much about Fox. Because like he spits out random different things like, oh, these are my favorite three custard spots in the United States. And it's like, okay, now another tidbit we know about Fox. Like we could probably build a whole persona.

Okay, now another tidbit we know about Fox like yeah Persona of yeah lore though. It's like such a wide-reaching. It's really fun cinematic universe It's it is exciting when we unlock new lore about five feels like yeah, like add it to the cannon of Fox Which is so anyway, you're right. It's all out there like all of this is out there and it's I do Respect the willingness to be this open About I don't know everything. It's um I I do respect the willingness to be this open um about I don't know everything it's just I mean listen I feel like he's he's he's a he's a real internet celebrity in my mind I well I totally agree yeah um okay so now I have um some redemptions of this movie I hope it's okay that I read them back to back because- Go for it. I only have one more review, so.

Okay, great. I just couldn't pick, so I'm just gonna read them back to back. There's three short ones. This is of that movie, Rise of the Guardians, also from Phoenix. And this one is a four-star review by Jilly Boy. Sounds like something dad would call somebody. Jillyboy, a four star review, who believes this movie is for ages seven and up. You're so right.

Right? He calls everybody like Billy Boy and then they're like, my name's like William. You know, it's just very much his, his way of speaking to people. So this is a review titled Just Some Thoughts. I will admit I enjoyed watching this. I like how Jack Frost can turn something scary into fun. Some things I did not expect was Santa have tattoos and the tooth fairy to look like a hummingbird. I think that tooth has a crush on Jack, but that's just weird thinking. Maybe it's just his teeth she likes. Sorry, this poor kid. I'm like, this, I feel like it's a traumatizing movie, but anyway. It's at least unlocking some parts of this child's brain that should remain behind Lock and Key for some extra years.

Yeah, exactly. Didn't mean to come out like yet at age seven or whatever. Some things I did not expect was Santa have tattoos and the Tooth Fairy to look like a hummingbird. I think that Tooth has a crush on Jack, but that's just weird thinking. Maybe it's just his teeth she likes, I don't know. I must say that Jack actually caused the guardians to change for the better and that he has a good spirit. A touch of something childish is just what they needed end of review I just thought that was very um insightful question but yes alarming five stars by Robin tit what hold on Robin tit tit oh my god. Robin Titans go.

Sorry. Oh, that's a tit. Uh, kid. Robin Tit? Robin Tit? It looks like Robin Tit and go, but it says Titans go. So sorry. Uh, yikes.

Uh, this is a five star view for ages 13 plus says Robin Tit and go. It was hilarious when Jack said, look Look Peter Contail, look at these bag of choppers! Then the rabbit said, You call that a bag of choppers? Now that a bag of choppers! Then Santa said, Gentlemen, gentlemen, we are not fighting over teeth when we need to help tooth. I thought it was really funny. I was laughing so hard my eyes watered,

but other than that part, Pitch Black might terrify young children. Just let your kids read the reviews and decide if they want to watch the movie themselves. Parent guidance would help them to feel safer, and it is also fun for the whole family. End of review. What? That was a roller coaster. I thought it was a really funny start. I love when kids describe a scene in a movie and you're like, you realize now I have more questions. Like when Leona tries to describe something that happened and I'm like looking around for help, like does anyone understand what's going on?

I can't follow. And it feels so urgent at the same time. It's so urgent. And you can't just pretend to understand because they know, they're like, no, no, no, you don't really get it. And it's like, oh God. I, oh man, I,

I, um, Oh man, I, I, I don't know. I, like the way that they, they, they explain that scene and then when we do it, we do that so often where we try to explain this. Tick tock I saw. And then they said this and then they said this. We need to try to harness that energy that they have when we do that, because it's so slain coming from us. And then when a child does the same thing and does it worse, it's so much better. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think we just don't

have the, the, the youth on our side, like the element of youth on our side. You're right. I don't think there's, I think we can really do any, it's not quote a tick tock. I'm not a 30 something. I'm a 30 by the way. Nice try. I tried.

I tried. Okay. This is a five star view is the last one I'm going to read of this movie by interestingly barmaid45. Is their username. Um, this is ages 12 and up is what barmaid45 decided. And the title is awesome. Sorry, just after all these reviews, just one kid just saying, it's like,

just even starting it to saying, awesome. It's this movie is awesome. It's just fucking awesome. After all these weird ass reviews. Very hyper-specific and unclear reviews. Yes, I'm so here for it. Okay, I'm ready. Jack Frost was my middle school crush.

And if that isn't a sign of mental illness, then I don't know what is. End of review. Oh my God. And I will say this was written two months ago. That's so good. By a 17 year old. So very funny. That's so good. By a 17 year old. So very funny.

That's so funny. I love that. They're clearly going back and thinking about their past media consumption. I love that for them. I do too. That reflection and that people took. Yeah, it's quite reflective, yeah. Well, two months ago,

I feel like it's been such a thing online recently of what your Hear Me Out is, you know, about that, where people say, Hear Me Out, and like they post a picture of like a crush that they had on a fictional character, like I think usually animated, not always, but ideally animated because sometimes someone will post like someone who's like not conventionally attractive, and it's like, what do you mean, Hear You Out? Like that's a human being who like But like yeah, so I think it's a lot funnier when it's like a cartoon anyway, and it'll be like characters like that like Jack Bizarre teeth having being 400 years old and like drowned in a pond. I feel like that's such a good hear me out

Yeah, I don't think I have any. I love that she's like, anyway, it's about mental illness. Yeah. I'm just kind of doing some research. That's so good. Okay. I have one more. Um, and this is of Nico Nico, a, um, uh, Boba tea place in Bloomington, Minnesota. It's in the Mall of America. Is this another Fox review? What makes you say that? He loves Boba tea and I know that for a fact. He does Christina. I'm guessing what it is. It is a Fox review.

I was like, Mall of America. I know he spent quite a bit of time there. I'm so impressed. I mean, I, you're right. And I knew because this is what I'm saying. Boba tea is in his description, like in his- Yes, he loves the stuff. He also loves women in chunky high heels. Oh, I forgot about that one. Christina, that really explains your purchases recently. I was like, why is she buying all these chunky heels? Like, what? What is that? You know me. And like, why is Blaze texting me worried about these chunky heels? Like what? What is that? Like I was like,

and like, why is Blaze texting me worried about your chunky heels obsession? Why is my Rocket Money app like freaking out? Like mystery purchases. Your budget for- Please categorize these because it doesn't make any sense to us. Yeah, please categorize them. So good. Okay. Well, here's a four star review. Um,

I'm going to be honest. I have not read this whole thing because it's a lot, but I immediately just put it in. You're like, I just know it's good. Yeah. I don't. Okay. Good is I don't know what I'm about to read. It is quite long and quite ridiculous. It's very Fox. So here we go I apologize in advance So I think this place

Was this place called jaw time before I don't really know. Um, jaw time. Chah ch a It was yeah, so it's Nico Nico formerly known as Cha Time. And that's the only thing with Fox. Sometimes Fox will narrow in on one thing. That's right. Unfortunately things change. And in this case, the name updated. This was written in 2019. So it wasn't even that long ago, but yeah.

So here we go. Uh, it used to be called Cha Time, C-H-A Time. Here we go. Cha Time, more like Rap Time. If you're Faith Hill, then it's always Tim McGraw time. If you're Robert Downey Jr., it might be Jude Law time. If you like the MILFs, then it might be Mom-in-Law time. But if you want a decent boba tea, it's Cha time. If you want to meet in Columbia, Bogota time. If you want to meet in Little Rock, Arkansas time. If you want to meet in Little Rock, Arkansas time.

If you date a lineman, then it might be Wichita time. But if you want a decent boba tea, it's Cha time. If you're in Nebraska, then it might be Omaha time. If you like lunch meat, then it might be Bologna time. If you want a lot of wives, it's probably Utah time. But if you want a decent boba, it's probably Utah time. But if you want a decent boba tea, it's Cha time. If you want to be a fancy bird, it's Macaw time.

If you want to take on me, it's probably A-ha time. If you want to not have a baby, it's withdraw time. But if you want a decent boba tea, it's Cha time. Don't cha wish your bubble tea was mediocre like theirs? This is a tiny little bubble tea shop inside the Mall of America with almost nowhere to sit. When I say almost nowhere, I mean there are a few bench seats and I managed to get myself one of them, but it's definitely not the kind of place that you would bring a bunch of friends and hang out and drink boba. And if you want to do that in the Mall of America, you should probably go to Sencha, because they have more seating in space and are better for that sort of thing.

Nevertheless, it's a cute little place and I got a banana milk tea and it wasn't awful. I don't really like the milk teas at Cha Time, except for the brown sugar versions, which you can sometimes find in the northeast of this chain, but not around here. Having said that, it is a cute little place and I might give a different drink a try next time I'm in this amazing massive mall, and way to go to this mall for having two different bubble tea locations. That's pretty damn awesome. Now it's Cha time for me to cha stop cha writing.

And if you want a homophobic World Cup, it's Qatar time. And if you want Desire, then it's Naima Streetcar time. And if you're Evil and a Brit, then it may be Jaguar time. But if you want a decent boba tea, it's Cha time. If you want more kitty cat pics, it's Paw time. If you want a Memphis pulled pork, it's Slaw time. If you're thin Lizzie, then it's whiskey in the jar time But if you want a decent boba tea, it's cha time if you try share tea instead

It's all time if you see more cat pics of mine It's all time if you get a boba in your boba. It's big straw time But if you want a decent boba tea, it's Cha time. If you want a more liberal Iran, it's Cha time. But if you want a more liberal Iran, it's Fatwa time. And if you're in Iran, it really isn't Jeffrey Star time. No. But if you want a decent boba tea, it's Cha time.

And if I pull my dick out then, oh crap, I went too far time. Okay, it's time to end this review, Fox. I love you dearly, but you got too far indeed. It was like, I'm wasting your time and then fucking did another four paragraphs of it. It was like, time to end, but let me copy paste all the like, read deck to rhyme. That was exhausting. That was exhausting. I mean, the last ones didn't even, they were like not the top cut.

Like they didn't even all rhyme. Oh yeah. But they all had to, the fucking, the fucking Iran paragraph was wild. He just wanted to like make a statement, I think. I don't know. I guess. But I mean, it does make sense that he's a musician because he seriously really gets into these kind of like verse rhyme situations and he loves to make a political statement.

You know, I mean, it's so wild to me that this is just one review of almost 17,000. I know. It's a lot. One of the most prolific, if not the most prolific Yelp reviewers. And like also like one of the most prolific, like Boba, like probably the most prolific Boba, like probably the most prolific Boba tea like reviewer. I think it always fascinates me how useless the review seems at first and then he actually gets into the details of like it actually tells you what their best options are,

what the seating is like, what the other nearby options, like it's actually very helpful review even though it's kind of shrouded in this like nonsense. Yeah. And credit to Fox. And I feel like we've talked about this before. I'd always love talking about review distribution and how often they give positive reviews, these reviewers. Fox is a majority are four star and then five star and three star like closely behind in second. And then very few two and even fewer one stars

Which I like like even if it's like The quality is kind of like not like clearly the quality of this Boba is not the best Boba that Fox has had I mean, I guess it's changed the name. So maybe that's a new owner But I also wanted to say that I kind of, for the first time, which probably sounds stupid, but kind of for the first time, I understand the use of this like badge, the Yelp elite badge, because it's like, oh, they're not just going on to post one stars whenever they feel like it. They post a lot across the board.

So you can kind of trust that they have a pretty good understanding of like how to review. Like they have a pretty good, I don't know, I feel like they're probably more trustworthy if you are a user like looking for reviews, it's like, oh, they have like this badge, that must mean they review a lot of different things. Yeah. So I can see why that's useful. Yeah.

Cause I would trust Fox with most of my, with bubble tea recommendations at the very least, surely. No, I agree. And like clearly Fox is very well traveled. And I think like the life experience and the travel of it all and getting to go to all these different places. Like Faith Hill all the way to Iran and like the, I mean, it's all over the place. Yeah. Those are the two sides of the spectrum. If you ask me.

That's what I always learned. Yeah. But yeah. And the right in the middle is Nebraska sports. So wild. So wild. Anyway, that was my last review for this part of our episode because man. Very good, Zandy. I have a couple Fox ones. And, oh, what I meant to say was, you know how last review I had said, like, oh, it was clear that this was a Fox review? So I had been scrolling and looking for Yelp reviews that mentioned Jude Law after I'd found that other Fox review.

And I saw the start of this review and I couldn't locate the review at first and I was like this is a Fox review this is you have to yeah like oh my god like this has to be Fox I was like and even it even said by Melissa something and I was like there's no way I like saw that and didn't believe it like I think was just parsing something they said attribution he could sue and he should he should don't use Jude Law though because that parrot's gonna like shit all over you apparently but oh yeah and I like I've opened a bunch of tabs of different pages that it could possibly

be and finally found it and was like so valid and then noticed that it went on for fucking forever. You were like oh shit now I'm not committed. I spent so much time trying to find the review that like I just threw it in my notes was like we'll handle that later and then I forgot to read it before again like I read the first bit and I was like okay I'm glad I'm glad it worked out. I'm gonna improv this bad boy. Wow that was that was beautiful.

Um, well good timing. Cause this is what I have now. It's from Julio. Um, and it is a forum. Uh, I'm going to be honest. I saw this in the email and it was great. Like it was, had been read and I just, my heart sunk. It's like, she got to it before I could.

I was at Remicaid too. So I was like, I'm staring at my phone. You can't, you have no chance. And not only that, then I saw that Julio sent a different, uh, email with the review and I was like, okay, like I can at least grab that, but I didn't do it right away and the next time I looked, it was red and I was like, oh shit. She's like actively doing this right now. Okay.

Scooped it up. And, uh, Julio literally texted me or I think I texted him and oh shit, she's like actively doing this right now. Okay. Scooped it up. And Julio literally texted me, or I think I texted him and I said, I just got like, I'm using those reviews you sent. I'm at Remicade. We're recording in a couple hours. Because he was like, I probably didn't give you enough time. I was like, no, they're in there.

They're in. So, but also the one that he sent in was the one you already read of Jude Law. Yeah, okay. So you kind of did read it. So that weirdly worked out. I kind of did swipe that., Julia, for sending that in. It was a good one, right? What a good, yeah, it was good.

Um, too bad you wouldn't give them a credit for it, but whatever. I just thanked him. This is a website called digital spy.com. Um, and this is a forum called Jude Law is ugly. It's not nice. It's like really not nice. Um, and I don't, I don't, I don't know. I don't like forums where I know this is going to be controversial.

I don't like forums where you just talk about how bad somebody looks. Um, I know it is a hot take and, uh, this is one of those. So I'm just going to read a couple of the posts. Here's the first one. It's by sparkle babe. Uh, and it's written in 2005. And Sparkle Babe, who was by the way posted 17,065 times on this website, posted,

I must be the only person who doesn't get the attraction with this man. He is absolutely nothing special to look at whatsoever. He's puny with frog eyes and thinning hair, and he always looks like a tramp when you see pictures of him out and about in the papers. Why is he constantly referred to as a heartthrob or a hunk? The only like thing I could silver lining is that maybe she's not even seeing Jude Law.

Do you know what I mean? Like from personal- Seeing the people that you photographed. Very. Thinking they were Jude Law, which is also rude to say about those people. He's kind of a chameleon, yeah. It's just like all over the place. And then, do you know what his real name is, Andy? Judith?

I have no idea. It's David. Huh? Jude is like one of his middle names, but his real name is David. Okay. And so people in the forum started calling him Dave. Just to be like, rude. Just to be like, gotcha. Yeah, just to be like, ugly Dave. Like, just to kind of quote unquote normalize him, you know, use like a, it's just like not nice, you know? Like, just using a different name that is also like his... His birth name instead of like his chosen name. It's just like, you're just being a dick. Jude is such a normal name. David is like using a different name. That is his birth name instead of like his chosen. It's just like, Jude, such a normal name.

David is also such a normal, like it's like, what do you do? I think it's just like to like take him, take him off his pedestal. It's so weird. Yeah, I agree. It is very weird. Um, and someone said like, be respectful. It's bald Dave. And I'm like, okay, that's not even funny.

You guys like, it's really not. But I will say a lot of people in the comments are like no, he's very hot and you guys are really dumb So, you know, but here's another post by lots to do which I would argue is a lie Just saying lots to do posted Dave is minging. I do not find him attractive at all. That's in bold. He has a triangle head.

Eek! There's a lot of eeks in this. But I'm not gonna read a lot. No, in this forum too? What is this, spy forum? What the fuck was, wait, we haven't even gotten past, I haven't, like, we haven't discussed that, I mean. It's called Digital Spy.

It's just like pop culture. It's just like people discussing. This is, when we say the dregs of, I mean, it's like, we say dregs of yelp, but this is the dregs. It's just boring. I'm sorry.

To me, it's boring. I was on a bunch of like pop culture related subreddits. I just like don't care that much. They're just so, they're so mean. And they're all very, they all trend toward, not all, but most trend toward the negative. And it's like, and then people start arguing.

And I'm like, I don't want to be involved in this at all. And like, don't get me wrong. Like a lot of these people who are in media and Jude Law included, maybe, I don't know anything about him personally, but like could be complete assholes, could be whatever, like not a good person in day to day life. Yeah, and yet like it's so exhausting to read people

and so much energy to like talk about people's looks. And also like who cares if you don't like a person then just like, why sit on the internet, especially if you have lots to do, uh, and just like talk about their hairline for so long. It's just like, okay, come on, go do one of the things you have to do. Over here we just try to cancel anyone named Last name James Kevin James who were who's the list of people you tried to cancel that one? No, where's right is that like I try it wasn't and I wasn't for their looks that's the thing

You wouldn't do that No, it's like, it's easy, boring. Who cares? What's a digital spy? Digital spy.com. Okay. So it talks about different like pop culture, anything from movies, TV shows, soap operas, celebrities, children's shows, etc. And then here's another response. This is by ouch that hurt. Doesn't do anything for me, clothed or unclothed. Too small and I don't just mean his dangly bits. Wink face. Okay, what? That isn't referenced in that one.

This comment? Oh, okay. My mate thinks Jude Law is the best thing since sliced bread, but for me personally, he's yuck. Anyone seen his nude pic on the net? It must have been pretty cold that day. Okay. There was a leaked image of his dangly bits.

Got it. So it was leaked. That's awful. Okay. Yeah, it was leaked because he was changing. It was like, I thought it was like a, like a nude he took, but like, no, it was actually just him changing and someone fucking took a photo of him changing his underwear, his clothes, like from on a movie set or something.

And like blasted it to the internet. That's incredibly violating. Um, oh, horrible. Yes. And, but I feel like the way they worded that was backwards. Like they said, he's too small for me. And I'm not just talking about his dangly bits, winky face. Like, wouldn't you say, and I'm not just talking about his stature winky face or

something or whatever else is too small. Oh, good point. That's why I was like, huh, wouldn't it? Like you're. Yeah, it's not, I know. And none of these comments are even like clever or like funny. They're just like, oh, okay What are they winking about? Like what what would be winking about something else being small? That's not his penis

I don't know. That's a very good point. I think they're just winking about the very blatant obvious thing They said that's not meant to be tongue-in-cheek Let's see, here's another comment this is by amazing science Listen I don't Let's see, here's another comment. This is by AmazingScience. Listen, I don't. You know what I miss? I miss the fucking names you were reading from all those teens that were reviewing that movie. Oh, I know, there's one that's better.

I miss barmaid 45 or whatever. I miss raven tit or whatever. Robin tit. Robin tit. Oh yeah, it was Teen Tit or whatever. I just- Robin Tit. Robin Tit. Oh yeah, it was Teen Titans or whatever. Man, good times. I know. Now I'm just like negative

no matter what these people's names are. I know. One of these usernames is pair of pants. Ah, you asshole. Asshole. Yeah, pair of pants. So here is a post by AmazingScience. Roll eyes, roll eyes.

I am seriously worried about UK actors who are so-called heartthrobs. The US give us Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Tom Cruise, George Clooney, Harrison Ford, Dennis Quaid, et cetera. And what do the Brits give Hugh Grant and Jude Law? The only decent one the Brits have is Clive Owen. Roll eyes, roll eyes. Okay. Okay. And then let's see, I have, I think one more Roll eyes, roll eyes. Okay.

And then let's see, I have, I think one more. I'm fine with that one. Go USA. And then somebody said, Oh, pair of pants. I did quote pair of pants. Okay. Oh good. Thank goodness. Pair of pants said, I think what all of you Jude detractors are forgetting about the photo is that Judith was in his natural state and not at his Optimum if you know what I mean, eek! wink face

Giving okay was Judith meant to be as insulting. I think so. It's like a Which when I now I feel bad that I said it earlier. I literally was guessing cuz I was like, yeah It was like short for Judith But then I was like wait, is that I think they're saying it to be again like an insulting like yeah I'm gonna feminize your name yeah I didn't mean it that way because after I said I was like I know you know women's biblical name um anyway uh so they're giving him that they're like oh don't worry his penis is probably larger than this when it's erect is basically what they're saying here. Yeah.

Which I like to think wouldn't need to be said. Yeah. From a username pair of pants, just saying. Um, I mean on film sets, famously, like I assume actors are generally hard when they change no matter what the scene is. Especially when Jude Law ventured into the space of movies like Gardi rise of the guardians and other, you know, flicks that have nothing to do Especially when Jude Law ventured into the space of movies like Rise of the Guardians and other flicks that have nothing to do with any nudity or sexual content. Yeah, I would agree.

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And this is the response to that Judith being in his natural state. They wrote, he'd have to have an inspector gadget, Willy, to get that thing to any reasonable length. Go, go, gadget, Toddger. It's like, what? I fix you on a die. I don't know. I don't like it.

I don't know. This person doesn't know how penises work. No, I'll say that. Also, it's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, why would inspector, okay. I know it's like, what are you doing? Like I don't like. We're like over analyzing these bullshit.

It's just like stupid internet comments. We make stupid comments all the time like this. Like I would make a stupid comment like this. And yet here I am gonna analyze it. Why would inspector get, what about Inspector Gadget's gadgets make you think that he'd have the ability to make a penis long? You know like that's not that that's Inspector Gadget had a fucking propellers out of his hat like it's not like he had like actual gadgets not like his physical body didn't like he wasn't

like what's that thing from, is it the Fantastic Four? Robocop? Or what's her name from Incredibles? The mom who is all stretchy, like stretches body parts. Like that's one thing, but Inspector Gadget doesn't make penises long. As far as you know. As far as I know, you're right. Okay. I take it all back. I think Inspector Gadget could lengthen a penis. I think, I'm glad you finally came to that conclusion. Now somebody commented, oh, Ruffalo wrote.

Oh, Mark, he's a name? Yeah, I thought maybe, but probably not. It's probably Dan Ruffalo. Oh, Danny Boy. That's what dad calls him. Danny Boy. So this is Ruffalo's comment. That's literally so that does literally call someone Danny Boy. Yes, he does. It's our former neighbor and well anyway, it doesn't matter.

I'm not going to triangulate. But this is what Ruffalo wrote. Nope. I think Jude Law is ugly too. That receding hairline is awful. And I also think Brad Pitt is no looker either. His face is massive and very misshapen. And then Amazing Science responded. I think if you're making comments like this, you should attach a photo of yourself. And I'm not saying because I think these people are ugly.

Not at all. I think I would love, I think it would just add a little context. It's like, let's get some perspective. Like what is going on? Why are you doing this? Like who is saying this? Because there's so much anonymity. It's like keyboard warrior shit. Like just show yourself. Yeah. Okay. Amazing Science, who was the one who said earlier, oh, the US gives us this and the Brits give this. Amazing Science responded to that, Brad Pitt hate and wrote, mad, I have to disagree with you about cool, Brad Pitt, cool, cool.

Also Brad Pitt is bolded and underlined this time. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like, hey, hey, don't touch my Brad Pitt. Yeah, back off. I'm the guardian of Brad Pitt I'm about to rise up and stop you. I Have to disagree with you about cool Brad Pitt cool cool. Well me and millions of other women He is the sexiest man alive end of review. So that is the the end of my forum reading. Thank you, Julio I'm retracting any thanks I gave that is the the end of my forum reading. Thank you, Julio. And because I felt like- I'm retracting any thanks I gave to Julio this episode after that nonsense. And because I knew that was kind of a negative, I wanted to end on- Kind of.

Something else. Melissa and John sent this in. It's Melissa, she, her, hers, and John, who wrote that fate, I think he wrote like, oh, that infamous review or at least that's how I think of it. The one that was about like Mrs. T, Mrs. Potts and her teapot children. Nevermind. Okay. Nevermind. It's an infamous to me, John. Oh, okay. Three and it's a review that they wrote that they sent into us and it was about, okay, it doesn't matter. This is a sent into us and it was about, okay, it doesn't matter.

This is a three and a half star. Okay, now, okay, nevermind. Review of the Holiday by Sally Dar on Letterboxd. Three and a half stars. Fine, I'll admit it, I Googled a photo of Jude Law's penis during this movie. End of review. Okay. And then a four star view.

This was also sent in by Melissa. Review of the holiday by Danny. And these, I'm just going to read the comments under the review. Cause the review is pretty standard. Uh, the first comment by Marion says, I love Jude Law. I hope he's happy, healthy, and hydrated. And then Danny responded me too. I hope he gets enough sleep.

End of review. So, um, just a wide range of like thoughts about you. Like it must be so weird to have so many people thinking about you all the time and like, taking pictures of people who maybe look like we do talk about him. Maybe a lot. Yeah. Podcast. It's unfortunate. Um, yeah, it's untenable really. really. I don't know how we can last much longer. I was literally talking to you about how my therapist and I had a breakthrough about my fear of being perceived. And then here I am perceiving Jude Law way too much. All we're doing is perceiving Jude Law.

And I'm like, oh God. It's actually eye-opening. And then I weirdly feel like I deserve it back because of bringing this energy out there but yeah and you know what we're giving people the chance with our video episodes they can perceive me and judge my my my face and see how misshapen it is please don't do that well that's fine well remember that review we got well there was a review that was on it was a podcast review but it was someone saying there was a review that was on, it was a podcast review, but it was someone saying that they looked up my photo.

I've brought this up multiple times because I think it's funny, not because it upsets me. It didn't even upset me then. I just thought it was funny, but they said that they looked me up and they were like disappointed with how I look based on my voice, which I was like, Hey, I'll take that compliment from my voice. And also especially because I'm like, that has no bearing on the podcast until now. So that person is not going to be a $10 patron getting our video episodes.

Hell no. Unless they're like a masochist, you know? Yeah. Hey, maybe they are. And if so, you know, hey, pay 10 bucks. You get plenty of, uh, plenty of the space. You get, you get, you get hurt by my facial features. I do it every day So yeah, she has to put up with it. So now you and she doesn't even she doesn't pay for the privilege I don't that's interesting. He's tried. He's tried to charge me but I just leave the episode and be like venom me five bucks or I'm not coming back You need special access to this. Okay. Okay. Uh, time for my challenge. Uh, this was fun. I,

uh, it was really easy because so many emails came in because it was just a fun one. I don't know. I liked it. It was reviews. I mentioned six cats, and it was M's idea based on our first episode, I believe. Uh, and then here is a review that was sent in by Stephanie. And by a review, I mean, it was a question and answer, um, of this hotel, Kimpton Hotel, Monaco, Denver. Uh, so when I first saw Monaco, it's in Denver. Okay.

So this is Hotel Kimpton Hotel. Here's a question that was posed. Someone posted a review that they saw six cats going into one room, two Great Danes in another, and a pig in the elevator. Can this be true? I have reservations at this hotel in the future, and if this is true I will book elsewhere as I do not want to pay money to stay in a zoo. I do!

That sounds fantastic! There's a pig in the elevator? Sign me up. A couple of comments. Someone said, sounds funny to me. Only saw a few dogs and no issues or whatever. And people said, didn't see anything. But then I read the last comment and someone said, yes, I saw a potbelly pig on a leash going into the elevator and like listed these animals. And I was like, oh, this and they're literally, it tells you whether or not people answering have reviewed this property and This person did so I'm like, oh that must be the original reviewer

So I clicked on their profile and found the review that mentioned those animals. So here I'm gonna read that It's a four-star positive review Here we go The front desk staff is very responsive to problems I would give them five stars. In spite of this I am not sure I will stay at a Kimpton hotel again. They say they are pet friendly hotel I always assume this meant one small animal under X pounds I saw six cats taken to one room, a woman taking a pig to her room on a leash, and two Great Danes with one

owner in the elevator. I have allergies and would have many problems in a room that had housed six cats the night before. This may be a chain for pet owners only. End of review. And the property manager of the hotel responded and said, hello, thank you for your review. Our team was so flattered to read your comments. The great news about our pet policy

is that we designate certain floors for pets and certain ones are not, especially for times that pets beyond cats and dogs stay with us." End of response. All the lizards and pigs go to one floor. Don't worry about it. I wanted to make sure we clarified all that because I mean, as far as pets go, and I don't mean to like, put down certain types of pets, but like if I were a hotel guest and I saw like two dogs, six cats and a pig, it'd be like, this is delightful. I mean, if I saw a giant snake, like slithering down the hall,

maybe that'd be a different story. I feel like there are other animals where I'd be like a little more concerned, but I guess everyone has a different threshold of what pets will, and I guess for allergies, that makes sense, but I was everyone has a different threshold of what pets will, and I guess for allergies that makes sense, but I was about to say that, like I'm pretty sure they have designated rooms for pets. Yeah, they certainly do.

But yeah, you're right. I feel like certain pets I'd be like, uh-uh. I don't know if I want that room. Imagine you bring like, what kind of animal eats cats, Sandy? A hawk? I don't know. Yes, that's good. Imagine you bring a hawk into one room and the six cats had slept there the night before. That hawk would be so stressed out, like looking everywhere for those damn

cats. Because there's no way you can in over one night scrub out the extent of six cats to an animal. Can hawks, okay, not to get back to our birds having nose situation or whatever. Oh no, Alexander, I didn't mean to walk us right into this trap, I'm so sorry. Can, is that something that hawks? Cause I, do you think a hawk, I just, I know that wasn't, that wasn't, this is not,

your scenario was, I understand your scenario and it has, this isn't important. I guess they don't hunt with their noses. Okay, maybe let's think. I wonder if they would react that way. What about like, what does an animal that smells for cats? Well, I mean a dog. I feel like if a dog smelled that,

it would freak the fuck out. Oh, a snake! Cause they go with their tongue. They smell with their tongue. Yeah, they would like smell all the cats. So they're probably the ones that are gonna get stressed out looking for the cats and then go into the vent and then end up in my room. Yeah, that's actually exactly how that works.

Yeah, that's exactly what would happen. So normally you check under the bed for, um, well now I'm adding your hotel rooms. Now you got to check the vents for snakes. Well, killers is a wide ranging category. So I usually just say that and then anything that falls under like potentially fatal kind of fits in that character category for killers in the vents vents then I should have said. I do. Don't worry. I sure do. Well, I checked that they're bolted down properly.

That's all. Oh good. Okay. Well, I'm excited to go on tour so we can check all those vents. And then I look if they're not, then I check inside if there's somebody hid a drug or a a gun. A drug or a gun. Okay.

What about both? Just for fun, you want that? Like you had said a little... I guess it's... No. It's like your version of geocaching. You're just like, is there a gun. Okay, what about both? Just for fun, you want that? Like you're excited about a little- I guess it's, no. It's like your version of geocaching. You're just like, oh, is there a gun in here? Oh, it is. Yeah, great point.

Is there a snake under here? Is there a gun in here? It's just like an additional fear because then I think, well, what if they come back for it? Like if I were to find a gun in a- The fuck have you been watching? This feels very like, I don't even know- Bluey? A lot of bluey.

I'm like, what show would this happen where someone stashes a gun in any of the hotel rooms you're staying in specifically? I've never thought about it that way. So I don't quite. Something, just ponder. Okay. Here's a review.

This was also sent in by Stephanie. And this is of a place called Cat Statue. And this is a very large statue of a cat that appears to change, like change, they painted differently. Oh, fun. And this is in Malta. This is on Sleema, Malta. So here we go. Here is a five-star review of the cat statue. I walked along the seafront and came across this. I think the reason is,

as there are loads of cats in the park, which are fed. It was lovely to see someone looking after them with food and water. I watched about six cats and they were all waiting their turn to eat the biscuits without a fight. All the cats looked very well and some even big fat cats. End of review. Oh, they waited their turn. They're so polite. Very polite cats over there. And then I went to the page for cat statue and sure enough, there's a park and looks like a little like

Carriers that they sleep in or something or like little beds underneath like and there's a cat food barn There's a little menu sign and says dry food only fresh water and I guess maybe people or maybe there's Like they said so they saw someone so maybe there's a volunteer, but it appears that they like allow people to bring in food. Yeah. And their bench is nearby and they all have like cushions with like towels and blankets that they can sleep on. And they're just like these little kiddies sleeping around here by this cat statue. Damn, don't tell Juniper he's going to move out.

Oh, and there's little like cat like bark, like this little, like it looks like a little coop for chicken or for cats that they can sleep in. They get their own little their own little holes okay probably was for chickens and the cats were like my and licking their lips like I didn't see any chickens here no chickens around here oh okay here is a review that was sent in by Stephanie as well who says in in the email Yelp is the most annoying and difficult to navigate app. Y'all really do have a hard job. Thank you.

It's about time someone acknowledges it. The first one that ever felt that way and I'm going to not agree with you, but thank you so much. Well, I felt that way, but not just because of Yelp, you know, like for other reasons, but I do appreciate the insight. It's hard because of my fear of being perceived. Exactly. That is what makes it more difficult. appreciate the insight. It's hard because of my fear of being perceived. Exactly. It's hard for many, um, mental instability reasons,

but this one also is a very concrete reason that I kind of want to adopt. Yes. It is. I do love this, like that comment though, cause I was like, yeah, it's not that easy. Not that Stephanie was doubting us. Um, but here we go. Here's the one. Here's a one one star review. This is a black button distilling. This is in Rochester, New York. You know, in hindsight, since it's Rochester, I should have seen a Fox wrote a review of this

place probably, right? Yeah, actually, I should have checked. Oh, well, here's a one star review. I don't want to bash the product in any way here. They Their bourbon and gin are extremely delicious and I'm happy a solid product is being made in Rochester. The bar was great as well. My issue was with the tour. Our tour guide was a complete negative Nancy, using nice words here. I was asked a question about bourbon in answer to my knowledge just to get knocked down in front of the group. I then had to check my phone. my wife was taking a 400 mile trip alone at this time, and was yelled at and told her well-being wasn't important upon explaining why I looked

at my phone. I then tried to answer another question asked by the guide and again was made fun of by the guide, overall extremely upset with my guide on hindering my experience. She, parentheses, dark hairs, short woman, six cats, made that clear, needs to be reconsidered as a tour guide. Understanding being in the hospitality industry, a positive back and forth between guests is fun, but the way she handled it was not proper. Don't waste your money on a tour here Just grab a drink and of review so I love they respond no Mm-hmm, and this is the only like you're being a huge dick. Yeah, this is the I will say this is the only person that like did reference

the Tour guide tour guide or like at least by name and like most of the reviews were all very positive So, yeah, I don't know but um, she made the six cats very clear. Yeah That's supposed to be insulting. I guess I know I felt like it was supposed to be but I'm like Okay, usually people say that as like self deprecating kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like even people with six cats would be like, yeah, and that guy was six cat, you know, but whatever.

Speaking of which, here is my final review. This was from Andy, they, them, who said, my phone auto corrected your name to Candy five times. And now I'm imagining you as a middle-aged receptionist. Candy, it's just, I will say, I feel like I haven't met many people with that name, but I have a very positive like connotation with that name. I don't know why. I just think of John Candy.

Like that's just all I can get. Oh, I'm just thinking of the first name. You can't even get past that. Get in my head. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't know if I know anyone named Candy. I feel like, um, then I think of Marcy playground, but then the other thing I was thinking this morning was about the name Carol and how you don't really see

that much anymore, um, with in our generation, but I think it's one that might be coming back, you know, those names where it's like, Oh, people named, you think of like a person named like Patty or Carol and And it's usually like, um, a certain generation. Anyway, that's so irrelevant, but I bet candy is, I wonder if candy's ever going to come back. Um, maybe, I don't know. That's a cute name. Um, but it's funny, but I do get that so much where I mean, but like people who I

meet in real life, who then like will message me something will put candy, it will auto correct the candy. Oh, mine still does every now and then to correct your name. But they will apologize so much and I'm like, you have no idea how often this happens. Like it's just normal. Literally all the comments. Sometimes I'll just, like mom will just text me about candy and I'm like, oh, she's talking about a love center.

Yeah, it's just so common. It does not phase me one bit. I got a lot of Xanders recently. People like, when I say I'm Zandy, they like switch, they like say Xander. And I know, I don't really correct them because I'm like, yeah, I've gone by that name. Technically, yeah. I mean, okay, well that name is like on the list of like trending names like for newborns. So that might be why maybe it's like coming it's like more in the zeitgeist because Alexander was always very high up and now like

Xander it's going okay okay yeah cuz I feel like that happens I'm surprised at how often that happens but I always like candy broken the top 500 I don't know what's going on with that so strange it'll it'll it'll make its bounce back we'll make it happen anyway anyway, here's my last review. This is of a accoutrements inflatable evil unicorn horn for cats. Whoa, okay. That's a lot of words you said. And the packaging is a very intense looking black cat with a evil unicorn horn. Okay. If it were less pointy, I would think it was used for other purposes It is very

Is it inflatable? It is inflatable. Okay, but the picture makes it look very Oh my god, the second photo with the fucking there's a little kitten Christina This is because you know, everyone's gonna need to look at it now. It's gonna be Wow, wow, wow, and we're gonna make sure that because you know everyone's gonna need to look at it now it's gonna be wow wow wow and we're gonna make sure that uh this gets popped up on the video for our video oh yeah see this is perfect example it's not just our faces you also get to see scary cats it is a like screeching kitten why does it say evil Kitten with Why does it say evil unicorn horn that's like the strained cats love it and then I'll send you I'm gonna send you like the Fur that's like the back. I think of the packaging and then I just

Front. Yeah, so this is a $7 little thing. It's like one of these like prank things you buy at a store like a yeah It's like one of these like prank things you buy at a store. Like a- Yeah. Like a Kitchie. You know what? This might, it reminds me of- Oh, Archie McPhee. Yes. Okay.

Is that what that is? Is that what it, what does it say that on there? That's the brand. Cause I was like- Did you say a Kootremel? Where do you see that? Am I not seeing it? On that second picture in the top right.

How am I not seeing that? Where'd it go? What? In the top right of the above inflatable. Oh, the second picture. Oh, I see, sorry. Sorry, yeah, because I sent you the second one first. Oh, I see.

Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Well, because I went to- Because they're kind of like, they make those silly, like, pickled mints and- Yeah, because I was there in Seattle. Oh, right, Yes, they're up Then I feel silly now that I like I should have known from the start that that's what I should have like Okay, I knew but yeah, it does say a coup tromand like and it's not sold by Archie McPhee. Maybe they're just like reselling it

I don't know. Maybe that's just like a gift store or something. Oh, they sell all sorts of weird They sell a lot of Archie McPhee stuff. So I They're either Archie McPhee or just like buying Archie McPhee stuff It's like they're their fancy offshoe. Oh sure true Anyway, anyway, sorry here is a five-star review of this inflatable evil unicorn horn for cats titled Dark Magic Kitty I have six cats and I took turns putting it on each of them I have six cats and I took turns putting it on each of them. Days of fun and worth it for the price. It has a string that is attached in such a way it actually stays on my bad kitties who tried oh so hard to take it off.

Oh no! I got the white one too and seeing my evil and less evil cats run around the house trying to get them off made my life worth living. Place one on a stuffed animal and sadly a sneak cat attack to punish the horn took place. The cat bit the horn and now it has trouble staying inflated. The fault is all mine. I should have put it away after playing with it and only bring it out for fun with people who drop by. Very good product. Don't leave around the house where cats can seek vengeance on it. End of review. I was going to say don't worry because no matter what the next time you brought that thing out

It was gonna meet its maker like that cat was gonna find revenge even if you hit it for three months It would remember and there are some incredible pictures someone put a put it on their rabbit Someone put that on their very scary looking cat some cats are so chill with it. They appear chill at least in the photos It's so funny. It's so, so goofy. Oh man. Yeah. It makes me a little sad, but... Yeah. That was my first reaction to this review was like, oh, come on, leave your poor cats alone. And then I'm like, those cats are fucking menaces, man. They don't give a shit. And I love that about them. Don't get me wrong, but like they're fucking menaces, man. They don't give a shit. And I love that about them. Don't get me wrong.

But like, they're fucking menaces. Like, they'd probably do the same thing if I put a sticker on their head or something like that. Well, yeah, they'd put a sticker on their head. I don't know. I'm just trying to think of something that's like less invasive around their head. I know what you mean. Well, I once I put a collar on Moonshine and he got so freaked out that he was horrible.

I think this is probably why I get kind of wigged out by these because I put this cute little pink collar on him and then he like tried to get it off and he got his bottom jaw under it and it got stuck. And then he like really freaked out and I had to like find him and like undo it was very, anyway, so I was like, never again. I think I just get really in my head about it.

And like honestly, like, I don don't know know your cats and yeah Exactly, if they're not acting if they clearly are like upset then don't upset them further Like if you're doing this just to upset them it sucks But if it if on the other hand if it gives you the will to live yeah I see that line made me think it's like what am I gonna do be like stop it? I don't know clearly didn't last too long because they deflated it as soon as they had the chance. The cats did what they do and ruined it for you. So, and I think their reaction of like,

this is my fault. I don't blame the cats, you know? Like, of course they destroy it. I'm like, okay, they're at least somewhat self-aware about all this, but. Yeah. I guess if you have six cats, you'd kind of have to be. Yeah, that's a lifestyle that I just like.

That's a lifestyle. I couldn't handle. I couldn't handle that. Well, that's all right. They have hotels for that. Oh, true. True. Like nowadays, you can make it work. I could. I could just bring all six cats on tour. Yeah, but if I bring my boa constrictor, we have to be careful because. I mean, considering how many cats your boa constrictor has eaten in its lifetime, we don't need it to have six more. Right. and I wouldn't want it to be like your cat specifically because I feel like that could make things awkward on the business front. Yeah because it's fine if it's yours. I mean you're on what

juniper three now? Oh 13. 13? Yeah it's been a while. It's I we have not updated on how many. Well I haven't changed out any of their accessories which is probably why they look the same to you. It's confusing. Yeah. It's like moonshine with his pink collar, um, in his mouth. With the bells of Jesus Christ. It had a bell too, which was just, it was good because when I chased him down, I was like, at least I know where you are. Cause he was tiny, but I was like, this is terrible. I felt so bad. Like the reason I put it on was to like, make sure he wouldn't run away. Like it wasn't like I was doing it for my own entertainment, but anyway, I still felt bad.

Um, and look at him. He's fine. I mean, it's might be a different one. Wait, moonshine's in a box? No, I was just gonna, I meant he's fine. Like he's fine. He's a menace, but beyond that, um, yeah, he's fine. Oh, well that was it. Thanks everyone for hanging out.

Um, I feel like I made that comment about how you could read all of Fox's reviews and know everything about him. And then I'm like, the things I say in this podcast, like you could know every thing, like people know things about me, even blades will say something. And I'm like, how do you know that? He's like, you said it on your podcast. And I'm like, Whoa, like, what do I say? Why do I do that? It kind of alarms me sometimes. Like, I feel like there's gonna come a time

where we're just gonna be like, you know what, maybe we just wipe all of this. Yeah, like, do we need somebody? They have, I think. I mean, I'm sure they do. But like, I think I've heard of people who hire like companies that just like scrub, like go through all of your shit, especially for people who've done podcasting just like scrub, like go through all of your shit, especially for people who've done podcasting for 25 years, not 25, 15, 20 years. And like, they're like, I don't know what I said, literally 20 years ago, like somebody go look, because I'm sure over time, they're gonna have the Streisand effect, you know? Also which, which, which I actually, I don't know if I talked about

this. I feel like I read this after the fact, after we talked about it on the episode, I could. Well, I said, I don't even know what the Streisand effect is, but I'm pretty sure this is what it is. And then you read the real definition. No, I did. But like, I read more about it, I think is what I'm saying. Like, I know, I see, I see. Oh, I see. Unless I said this on the, I don't remember. But I read that apparently when she was, what she was actually doing was it was a picture of her house that was, and the context was something about like erosion, because it was right on the ocean or something. I don't know.

It was like something, her problem with it was that it said, Barbara Streisand's house. She said she had no problem with the picture being on there, but the fact that it was like, Hey, this is where Barbara Streisand lived. So she actually, I think she claims, this is what she claims that she like told her like agent or manager, whatever said like, Hey, like get my name removed from this photo. But then they went and tried to get the photo down and they were, so it turned into this whole thing. Supposedly, she said in the end she was like, no, I just wanted my name not to be attached with the photo.

Which still like makes sense that that would be like the effect quote unquote would still make sense because it's like well even if it was for a good cause. If the article had just been like just removed her name it probably wouldn't have become a thing but like oh I see because the article said like she's trying to get this picture taken down maybe I don't know how to see that's the things I don't know how it all started it was probably early internet I don't know when exactly maybe maybe it wasn't even that early but regardless I don't know I just well she wrote that book recently so I'm sure that's I think that's probably where she mentioned yeah that's probably it. But anyway,

now that we talked about wanting to scrub everything or draw this, probably not going to happen. Okay. Um, thanks for listening everyone. Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going on tour very soon. We're like leaving soon for a few weeks for a Seattle and Portland. That's going to be amazing. And we've got 10 more dates after that, that you can go to beachsuesandy.com slash tour, see all those dates, tickets available and most of them. And yeah, and then patreon.com slash beachsuesandy, get ad free listening. If you listen to this episode with the ads and you're like, ugh. Why wouldn't you want to watch as I stare blankly at my fingernails as Alexander tells everybody the useful information at the end of the episode?

So true. Why not? Why not? Come on. Why wouldn't you want that? Why wouldn't you? It makes it so much more fun. My really smiling happy face.

We can all pick our nails together while Zanny talks. Yeah, $10. You get our faces video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's fun. And oh, just the intro outro. Oh, it's just so good. It's our faces video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's fun. And oh, just the intro outro. Oh, it's just so good. It's also good. Oh, yeah, it's video intro that Zoe made and also does social media for us. And also, blah, blah, blah, blah. We are doing Oh, our bonus episodes that we do every month already for Patreon are going to be in video

as well for $10 folks. And those are off the, like those go like out of control with pictures. I feel like usually, cause I usually bring the blankets. So now I'm very excited for QVC and there's so much QVC. It's a very visual type of episode. So I'm excited for that. That'd be fun. For that shift. Um, yeah.

So anyway, yeah. So sign up when you're listening to this. This is the first day of it. So sign up and come see us live. Please see us live. It's going to be so much fun. We always have a blast. And if you've seen our show before, it'll be a completely different show because we do it. To the new one every single time, every single time. And we read about your city. We do. We do. And we embarrass ourselves about your city, but it's always fun to,

it's always fun when we say something and then you get, we get groans and like someone once like worked for somebody like was like, Oh, I worked for them. We were reading a shitty review. Oh, like when we read a certain location and you're like, Oh God. Like sometimes sometimes Alexander will say like the Wendy's on fifth street and everyone will go, Whoa. And I'm like, what? Like, how does everyone know that? Okay. And then I'll say like, the art museum and everyone will be like, okay. I'm like, wow.

So as soon as crack the code, I have to quit. I try, I try. Anyway, can't wait to see you all there. Thanks for listening and we'll talk to you next week. And we love you, bye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer.

Edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. Forever Dogg Productions is Joe Zilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bowum.