Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 288: Reviews of Hot Air Balloon Rides

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

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Welcome to Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me I wanted to like this podcast but I'd give it zero stars if I could. podcast where we read the most... most random fact. My name is Andy. You fucked it up! I don't know what I'm saying anymore. We're reading shitty reviews or something. And these are of hot air balloons. Wow. Um, this was a... a boon? Is that the right word? I don't think so, but maybe. Cool. This was a boon. There were so many frickin' reviews. Oh. It was like a cornucopia.

A cornucopia of reviews. I feel like I could have, um, dive. Like we got a lot of emails from patrons. Oh, by the way, folks, our Patreon is live. I feel like we should say that. Like I know we've kind of mentioned it, but our Patreon is live and all $10 tiers get full video episodes. They're like edited and mastered beautifully.

It's been fun to. What? Yeah. And it's been fun doing the video. I don't know. I feel like I'm more aware of the fact that we're filming. Well, Alexander's having fun and apparently that's also relevant. But I will say that for patrons also you get a bonus episode, which we just recorded, a May bonus.

Oh, yeah. And that's video two. That one was silly. And it's really fun to kind of to spice things up over there. So if you are interested- Yeah, we did reviews of water you are interested, yes, we just read reviews of water parks. If you're interested, come join us over there. And there's for people who are not in the $10 tier, there's also ad free audio, which I know some people are excited about too.

So anyway, I just want to throw that out there, but, uh, so this will be on video for patrons, but for now we are just re- Oh, so sorry. Other side note I wanted to add is that for patrons, um, for people who are wondering how it works, what we're doing now is sending out a calendar of the next month's themes to patrons with an option with a special like form where they can submit reviews to our inbox that we might choose and use on the show. So that's like an additional kind of Patreon perk that we've like streamlined into an easier set up and a separate inbox and all that good stuff. And I say that because

there were a lot of great fricking reviews sent in and I feel like I only use two fricking emails. Oh, well, I use a few. Yeah, because like you said, people, I mean, we had this new system in place and it was all us just like over the weekend, I mean, it was mostly you like getting this idea rolling. And then we started working on it and we figured it out and it went so smoothly and people seemed to be really

feel very positively because they don't have to send emails. And even someone said they don't like emails. So the fact that they don't have to, you don't have to give us your email someone said they don't like emails so the fact that they don't have to they don't have to give us your email just like no you don't even all we ask for is a name a review yeah and whatever it's for if that sounds appealing and you're like man I wish I could send reviews in well you can yeah a price pay us to help us I know and then it's like sounds it sounds ridiculous it sounds bad but it is a win-win in that people who want to like tell a story or share whatever they have can share it and then

we also get help with research which is huge. Yeah and because also it was just too much when it was everybody that we couldn't wade through them and like right now we struggle getting through just the patreon emails because it's not struggle but there are just so many that we can't get to all of them. Yeah. Before it was even crazier I mean mean, like it's just too much anyway. So it works out for everyone we think. But yeah, patreon.com slash beach to Sandy for all that and beach to sandy dot store. It's hard. It's heating up out there. Get your beachy items. We got some great shit for you. So that's some great new stuff for this summer. It's new summer products So yeah, go to beach you see any dot store for those nice beach bag. I love my beach bag Oh, man, I need one of those. You don't even have one. I got it. You know, I was like, oh, yeah

You know, I gotta see this in person before I approve it. They sent it to me I'm like, oh it's approved. I was like, I don't gotta see I got my beach bag I'm not taking to the beach, but I love it and I'm gonna use it So I'm so happy for you and you have a little board a cork board, which I keep meaning to hang mine up. I love, I think it's fucking genius. I just like every time I get it. I don't know. I'm just looking at our store and I'm like, do we have it on there? Still? I love that. Yes we do. I just, there's so much good stuff on there. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, I love the cross body bag too. Okay. Anyway, anyway, um, here we go Again, like I said hot air balloon rises this episode the challenge and that was from Brad and my challenge was from Abby Reviews where the reviewer mentions the secret ingredient to a recipe their secret ingredient to a recipe. Mm-hmm So yeah, you want to go first with the hot air balloon refuse? Sure. So this is from Danny, he, him who wrote stay swampy, which I don't think I like. And then I am swampy right now. I know I'm always swampy. I don't want to stay that way.

Please don't make me. Danny said he is sending reviews of the tethered hot air balloon called the Aero file A E R O P H I-E at Disney Springs in Orlando. Wow. Yeah, and Dani says, it's my life's mission to become your go-to person for unhinged Disney reviews. I will say you have a little bit of competition, but like the crown is yours if you so choose.

I like that. I like that. Yeah. And honestly, this is, I'm not familiar with this balloon. But if it's Disney, I feel like this is the only balloon, hot air balloon I would go into because it would be probably safety wise, one of the safest. Can you hold that thought maybe and maybe put it in the trash real quick? Just hold it over there. I don't know. Why do I do this?

I don't like I don't even think that I might eat those words in like two seconds. It's remarkable. It's remarkable because I watched you keep going and I was like any moment now he's gonna look at me and go oh I see what I'm doing but no. I swear that wasn't even like I just oh I can tell I actually believe that okay I'm I'm ready I'm ready punish me. Okay here's your punishment. So Danny says I knew this was a perfect rabbit hole. However, it became much darker, a snake hole perhaps. I was like, okay, a snake hole, I'm afraid now. And so then he said, then I made a mistake.

I went to Google where the owner can respond. Now I'm not gonna read like the, okay, I will give you a little bit of leeway, Zanny, because this is not a Disney sanctioned thing. It's just in the area. And so it's like considered part of like the attractions of the area, but it's not owned by Disney, or at least it's not operated by Disney.

Then yeah, then I'm out. Yeah, okay. So I'm not gonna read like the really fucked up responses from owner, cause some of them were pretty troubling and like, just not funny. As if it was from Walt Disney himself. Yeah, it literally had Walt Disney vibes. That is a great way to put it. So maybe it is owned by Disney, but like the dead guy, the old dead racist one. So this is a one star review of Aerofile, the world leader in balloon flight. And this is a one-star review of Aerofile, the world leader in balloon flight.

And this is a one-star review. It's so funny. I was just wondering, talking to my friends, we were discussing who we think the world leader in balloon flight is. I was so on board. I thought you were going to say like, we were just discussing zeppelins. And I was like, me too. And then you were like, because I was. Oh, I was like, why too. And then you were like, because I was just discussing zeppelins.

Why would you say me too? Oh, because you actually were. I really was. Anyway, so here is a one star view by Rachel. Waited in line for over 45 minutes to be told the ride closed due to wind. I can understand this can happen but there should be better options for how to handle when that happens versus saying continue to wait and maybe get on later. It would have been nice if they

let us leave and come back if it was running again and not make us go all the way to the back of the line. And then here the end of review sorry and here's a response from owner. Here's an idea don Don't go on a windy day. Okay. That's the, so that's number one. And I'll just leave it there for now, but I just need you to understand that this owner's attitude is sky high. Some might even say higher than that damn balloon of his.

It's not tethered. Oh, I didn't know that was possible. Oh, it's not tethered? Oh, his attitude's not tethered. Sorry, his attitude is untethered. There we go. And untenable also. But the balloon is tethered as far as I know.

Well don't worry because I've got an owner here. This was a Sean, he sent this bad boy in. This is a review of OKC Balloons Aloft, so Oklahoma City. And this is a one star review with an owner response. Please, if you care about your family, don't go to this place. I called to get answer. Okay, I'm gonna head over there in a few minutes.

Just to clarify, like, I think it sounds like the perfect place for me. For you? Okay, good, good. Well, I'm not gonna be wondering what's happened to you because listen to this. I called to get answer about the status of a family member's ride. The operator instead of answering me called me F and tone tons of other

bad words. I am still shocked and I don't understand what was wrong with that guy. End of review. They said capital F dot dot dot dot. So like, fuck something. I assume. No, no, no, maybe this F slur? It didn't come maybe I don't know listen to this next. Okay okay. I don't that seems... It just doesn't fit. I didn't want to jump to that. I do not think there was a slur involved here. I see. Okay. Reading of both things potentially I don't know that's anyway here's a response from owner. This particular person called my phone while I was trying to get in a nap

based on another flight I had that evening. So I forwarded the call, they keep calling back every few seconds. When I did answer, I could not even understand what she was saying due to her heavy accent. That did not stop the calling 14 times. So when I did answer again, I was not very nice. This was five hours after our flight that morning

where their daughter was a guest of one of our booking passengers. Their daughter was not answering her phone, so they assumed something bad. I don't understand how someone can write a bad review when they are not customers and can't even speech English language well enough to carry on a conversation.

End of review. Response. even speech English language well enough to carry on a conversation. End of review. I mean, I wish that last part were, uh, like an ironic miss typo, but yeah, I'm assuming not. Um, oh my God. So they're just missing their child. Review. So yeah, the situation is wild. I can't like understand who's at fault here. Um, it sounds like this person,

with the person calling just their daughter, I think the daughter just doesn't call back, which sounds like me. I don't know. I don't call back when people call me. Um, but so to like call the owner of the balloon company, but every time to be fair, though, like to give them a little credit, every time you do go on a hot air balloon, we make sure that you call us back to let us know which tree you've landed in. You always give us an update.

So, it's not normal scenario. I've sent you pictures of me dangling by my ankle on the rope because I actually slipped out, but somehow got caught by the rope. You eff, I'm trying to take a nap. Yes. It's part of our, it's okay. We've moved past it ever since, but wow, this seems like. It just seems like a wild situation.

I don't know. A wild back and forth, 14 topics. I mean, I, like, I want to give advice to this balloon owner. Like just put your phone on airplane mode, but I guess it's too late for that. And also maybe the airplane mode is like an offensive thing to say to a hot air balloonist. You know, I don't know. I like put it on balloon mode. Maybe is what I should say. Balloon mode. Hot air balloon mode.

Put it on zeppelin mode. Is that what you and your friends were talking about? Yeah. Zeppelin mode. Is that what you and your friends were talking about? Zeppelin mode. Do you know what's so wild to me to think about is when back in the day when we would be on an airplane and they would say airplane mode is not federally acceptable. You have to turn your phone off. Oh, yeah, yeah, true. for a long time. And I remember thinking like one day Apple and these other big companies are going to get fucking airline control under their little thumb and say, let them put on airplane modes so they can keep using their phones and lo and behold. You think it was Apple lobbying to the

airlines? I think it was the big Apple. The big Apple. Oh, like something that happened in the big Apple? I think the big Apple is apples on that pushed their little agenda. Oh, interesting. So this, this is a, it is interesting. Thank you for noting that. This is a review of Aerofile, the world leader in balloon flame. And this is, I was worried we were too far away away from the world of your balloon flame. You should be worried, but it's not because we're leaving, it's because we're staying

here forever. So this is a one star review. We're not really, I have a couple other ones by Maria. And it includes another response from our owner. So here's the review. The one thing my sister wanted to do at Disney Springs. We saw it operating on Sunday the 3rd, but after our dinner, 45 minutes later, it was already grounded. So very disappointed. Response from the owner. Guess you should have ridden the balloon while it was open

instead of feeding your face. I mean, I guess. I don't know. I wouldn't say it that way. Why are you yelling at her? I mean, I guess because I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't say it that way. Why are you yelling at her? Like, I mean, I guess because of the one star review. Maybe, maybe they should have done that if they really wanted to write it, but you didn't have to put it that way. It's just like, okay, you weird middle school bully. Like, why are you talking like that to a grown woman? Like, stop. The phrasing is, it's, it leaves something to be desired.

I'm a little childish, huh? Um, my next one here is, was sent in by Christie. Um, I've got some wild ones, dude. Like, this shit was crazy. I said that's what I'm saying about the boom. It's like, there's so much content in these damn hot air balloon reviews. And it got crazier, you know, like I feel like it got crazier. So this is of SkyBuzz Ballooning. This is in Headcorn in England,

Southeast of London. That's one, one, one star review. Warning. I lost 800 pounds to this company. Oh my god, don't let Big Pharma know. Ozempic's gonna go out of fucking style. Stop. I mean, I heard like, I lost and I was like, oh, I lost and you said 800 pounds and I went, what? And then it, yeah, it hit me.

So dumb. Sorry. Yeah, it's's because like like four people fell out of the balloon. It's 800 pounds. Oh no. Okay you can contact me to discuss it. I am a genuine person. This is my real name. You can google me or find me on LinkedIn and I have all the emails with this company. That just tells you how crazy this story is. Um, so buckle up. I'm like, Oh, it's, it's wild. So we're going back 10 years ago, but I just refound all the emails this morning and it reminded me of all that lost money. This is why you don't go through your old shit.

I sometimes go through my old paperwork and I'm like, now I'm just really upset. And it's like, don't just don't look at it. And I'm sorry to keep interrupting, but like, you say, well, the serious stuff. Yeah. Like just a word of advice. Like don't go digging through your old journals. That's not funny. They're funny to read and then it just makes you fucking sad. And you see it as like a trend on tick tock or something of people like, Oh, ha ha, look at my old stuff. And if I read my old stuff, I'd be like,

no one needs to read this. No one needs to hear about this. I tried, I made a video and I was like, I had to skip. I had to go all the way back to like my five year old journal to find one that's not like just really sad. That's the thing is all the things that you went through that weren't suitable for a video. Yeah. Was it worth it? I'm not joking about,

I'm not going to read about the time my balloon chopped off. 800. Just wait. Okay. Trust me. Just wait. Okay. Trust me. Go ahead. I bought a voucher for the whole balloon for my family and my dad as he was terminally ill. He died before we could fly because to fly means everyone having a free diary on a day

when the wind is less than seven miles per hour and the air is cool and my dad felt okay. Those odds are practically zero. My dad died before flying, so we booked with my dad's friend in his place. Amazingly, and this is all true, he suddenly died of a heart attack. Oh my God, what? So we half-joked that this balloon flight was jinxed.

My mom then took that place and, this is absolutely true, she was diagnosed with lung cancer lung cancer within a month We never flew the company policy is to take your money up front and keep it all regardless Do not book this unless you are willing to lose all of your money and of review and family members like right? It just kept going and I will say The owner response I'm not gonna read it because it's fair. It's long But basically their point is so saying that it wasn't 800 pounds that they still have the receipt.

It was not actually 800 pounds. They also said that like you purchased, they came with not literal receipts, but they had the specific like timestamps and dates and they said you paid on August 5th 2007 and it was valid for 12 months during this time you booked three times out of the over 700 slots available and Cancel all of them and then you contacted us because of the lung cancer and then they extended the vouchers for another year for them And then they tried to book it after the 12 months and they made no attempts to fly they uh uh and there was like even after the 12 months they tried to book again and instead of saying no they're like okay sure like we will even though your voucher is no longer valid we will allow you to do this um and then they extended it further

to do this and then they extended it further and then they cancelled the flight again. So basically it was just so much like cancellation like keeping extending it. Well maybe this company should stop killing people. I don't know what's going on. I just, I can't, that's like shocking to me and also the fact that the second time they were like wow we joked it was cursed. Anyway then I invited mom to join the trip it's like oh. And the curse continued. Yeah, yeah. It's like whoever you're about to invite it was cursed. Anyway, then I invited mom to join the trip. It's like, oh. The curse continued. Yeah, yeah.

It's like whoever you're about to invite, it tells a lot about how you feel. And to get upset, to be like upset later and be like, like how could you? It's like, well, you should have taken the hint or something. Like, I don't know. Well, they're not actually doing anything. But they said that over the course of 27 months,

they booked six times and canceled all six of them. So they were like, we try. And they said, we feel like we've been more than accommodating. So I don't know. That's what it sounds like a really shitty situation all around. It is interesting that they were like, oh, we're going back 10 years. Here's my story. Like, I mean, I was like, so, I mean, wow, because that would also have been 10 years.

That would also been when your father died. Like it would have been such a, that whole time period would have been very fraught. So I imagine maybe you're taking it out on the ballooning company. I imagine. Yeah. And from what it seems, they've, they, they tried. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Well, they didn't try hard enough because they still had to go to dad's funeral. I guess so. I have a review from Melissa She Her. This is of Balloons Unlimited Inc. in Loudoun County, Virginia. And this also

includes a response from owner. I'm starting to think maybe this is just a trend in this community. Here we go. One star review. I was contemplating on writing a review, but I think I could potentially help someone in the future. First, I had our session set for Thursday at 5pm, but since we were the only couple going, it was rescheduled to Friday. This caused a bit of distastefulness as we drove from Ohio to get childcare to go on the hot air balloon ride for that day. Friday, the day of the event, the other couple had already canceled, which in turn made us pay an extra $250 for the ride, so total $750.

Bob has you go earlier because they need you to help set up the balloon, which is okay if that's what you want to do. But we paid $750 to celebrate our anniversary. You would think there would be a team to help assist. Kevin was great, but Bob has a very dry sense of humor that isn't pleasant. Landing the balloon is not planned. We ended up landing in a random person's backyard and Bob gave them our champagne bottle

with his business card. I'm sorry. It's just like so upsetting. Like as an apology or as like a promotion? I think it's just like a marketing thing. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Can you imagine being like, here you go?

It's like, wait. Okay. Anyway, Bob gave them our champagne bottle with his business card. At the end, you still must help them with the balloon, repackage it, and load it back up. I thought I went with a professional company having a real team setting up, putting it all away at the end, but that was not the outcome. I know Bob has good reviews, but check out the bad ones and his response back to them.

Very unprofessional, and honestly all reviews were 100% spot on. End of review. And I was mistaken. There's not a response. Sorry. And their eyes are like paying to be There's not a response. Sorry. In their eyes are like paying to be a crew member basically. Yeah. So apparently to make sure that Bob gets the flight time in for like...

Yeah. Yes. They're the pit crew. He like floats away and they're like, what about us? And he's like, oh shit. Yeah. I thought you were just here to set up. It's your anniversary. right. Yeah, I've the some of them described it as like, actually, I don't know, I might have brought it with me. But like, apparently, it's very laborious, like you have to like, really physically help get this balloon in the air. And it's like, if there's only three or four people, it's apparently a whole lot of work.

I mean, I don't trust myself or my like people I would or strangers who have never done this before. I don't trust myself or my like people I would or strangers who have never done this before. I don't know. I assume you're not getting any like anything that serious of a job, but like, I don't know what if someone messes up? Yeah, I don't think that I would if I were Bob, I'd be like hands off my balloon. That's true. Stop pulling on it. You know, Bob is also landing in other people's backyards when he's not supposed to presumably so I don't think right fuck no concept of like of like personal space of like what's mine and yeah it's not yours yeah he's like giving away that that made me mad because I'm

like I know that feeling of when like you just feel like wait that was for me and like so much money and it I know like in, at the end, I can just go buy another bottle of champagne, but it's like, that was our little perk. And like, you kind of like look, would look like an asshole if you like, oh, stranger, we just landed in your backyard, but you can't have my champagne. Uh, I'm realizing, cause I'm so sweaty right now.

I'm like, why am I getting so upset about this? And it's because of that stupid cake in preschool where the teacher was like, oh, I'm just gonna give it to the principal. And then was like, yeah, she wants you to have it. And I was just like, no, you know, I didn't say anything. But it's like, hey, that's for me. And the business card, I mean, oh Lord.

That's hilarious. That is so funny. Honestly, if I were that person living in that house, I'd be like, stop by any time if you're going to just bring a bottle of champagne. And also like, yeah, I will absolutely take you up on this. I put a big target in my yard, you know? Yeah, I put a landing pad. And like, honestly, I would be like, hey, I'll go on this balloon ride because it sounds like you can bring me straight home afterwards. Like, we can just land in the yard. Right. There's like a lot of upsides to being in the house, to be, that's like part of your commute in the future is like, you're like, yeah,

I just hop into a balloon to go home. You just give the middle finger to the freeway down below. You're just like floating, floating home. I love it. You know, in RuneScape, that's a way to get around. There's a balloon, a transport like a balloon transport system. And now are we talking RuneScape or RuneScape, which is the fake one that I made that I, um, that I, that must have been on the page. I'm so sorry. I, I said,

here's what happened is I put a virus announce in her computer with RuneScape, R O O N scape. And I of course fell for it because I told the book. Yeah, of course you did. Yeah. Cause you're a big dummy. Cause I just love all forms of runescape. So.

Yeah. And so I signed him up for that and then I planted a virus and I forget the point of the virus, Andy, what was it? It was I think to mute me. Oh, that's right. So you didn't have to hear me talk. So I could just be, be quiet. Which you can just mute me another way. Well, I was

in this way was a little more creative and fun for me. I'm so glad. Hey everyone, I'm X-Teen. I'm Zandi. And we've got a super exciting announcement for you all that has been centuries eons in the making. To kick off the unofficial start of summer, Beach Two Sandy Water To What is diving headfirst into our video era. You can't even say that with a straight face. That's right you can now access full video episodes, I know what you've been waiting for, of our show only on the Beach Two Sandy Patreon. Lucky you. Patrons to our $10 warning contained sexy stuffed here will have access to a ton of exciting perks including weekly video episodes aka getting to see our beautiful faces. Oh yeah our monthly bonus episode in

video form as well and access to new user submitted questions polls and surveys and access to a brand new patron only voice mailbox that's already been set up. Which I'm so nervous for but. Don't make us regret it please. They will but. They will. We can only hope. It's our fault.

That's where you'll be able to submit your own reviews with the chance of us playing it on the show. And our new and improved $5 tier will include everything except for those videos as well as ad-free listening for all future episodes. And of course, both tiers will come with access to our Discord server and patron-only Facebook group.

And if that isn't exciting enough, starting May 22nd, we'll also be releasing some clips from each episode on youtube.com slash Beach2Sandy so that our non-patrons don't miss out on all of this video action. We couldn't deprive them of that. No. But if you want the full impact, you know where to go. Patreon.com slash Beach 2 Sandy. That's Patreon.com slash Beach 2 Sandy. See you there.

OK, here's a one star review. This was sent in by Stacey She Her, and it comes with an image, so I'm ready to send it and I'll send it once once I'm done with the review here we go oh this is the Lancaster balloon rides this is in Pennsylvania somewhere Pottstown Pennsylvania one star this was oh I lied this is not the one with the picture oh sorry I'm getting ahead of myself I think because just wait not one gets that's one Oh. Sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself, I think, because just wait. That one gets, that's one. Oh, I'm glad I didn't send it to you early.

This set does not have a picture. This was to be my friend's first experience. We arrived and nine of us were loaded with the basket on its side. Never done that before. Awkward. Once we got in the air, the view was beautiful. When we went to land, what?

So everyone just lays there? That sounds like it. I'm not joking. Do you lay and pile on each other? I think somewhat. I assume it's not flat on the side, but it might have been tilted at an angle. I assume it's very... They literally said awkward. This sounds terrible. Okay, go ahead. I assume it was not comfortable based on that. Here we go.

When we went to land, we were told to scoot down underneath the edge of the basket because we were going to land the basket also on its side once again. We hit the ground extremely hard, not once, but three times in some Amish farmer's field. I think the older woman behind us may have been knocked unconscious for a minute by the landing. She doesn't remember the landing. We have to crawl out again on our sides in the basket

on its side. Never have I ever experienced this before. One hour start to finish. Can't recommend this company in good faith and to review. What in the world? I'm very, very, very disappointed there's not a picture. I'm extremely disappointed. Don't worry. Okay, it'll be worth it. Because it is the one, that's the thing is this one I read and my job was like, what?

The next one, the other one I have with the picture, it's even more of a job. Okay. Well, I have a question real quick because they said that the older lady was knocked unconscious. Now, I'm now understanding it's just probably somebody in the balloon, but in my first thought was we landed in this Amish field and we knocked this lady. Some random lady was- This Amish lady and I was like, oh my God, can you imagine you're just out in your field and you're just collecting, I don't know, lavender.

What are you doing? I have no idea what you're doing. What the fuck? And you're like, is that a- It's like romanticized version of farming. Just an older woman in the field collecting lavender in Potsdam, Pennsylvania. Well, that's what I would be doing if I was an older lady in the field collecting lavender, like in Potsdam, Pennsylvania. Well, that's like what I would be doing if I was an older lady in the field.

Oh yes, totally. But no, now I'm like- The balloon's just coming in. And I'm pictured like going slowly and this woman just being like washing it, but like bonk. Because of course it's like really hard to hit when you're in the balloon, but like I imagine watching it, it's probably pretty slow until it like, you know, until it's like up close.

There, I got a tick tock. I'm sorry, everybody to be doing this. But I'll be quick about it. A tick tock of a Bridgerton scene where I've never watched Bridgerton. So I don't know any names. But this like woman was like on the ground, picnicking or something. I don't know. And there was this balloon that was kind of getting out of control. They were like holding it back. All these men were trying to hold it back

and she was sitting there, didn't move. Like the balloon was slowly going toward, didn't move at all. And it was just being like, I'm like in distress and was like backing up. And then like a man came over and like protected her and it like almost, it was like, came so close to hitting her. And someone posted that on TikTok with the audio

of a Bob's burger scene when Tina's driving the car in the parking lot. And so it's Bob's voiceover going like, like you're headed for the only car in the parking lot. Just turn, you have plenty of time. You have plenty of time. Just move, just get out of the way. Just turn, just turn.

Any direction doesn't matter and she's just going oh I'm straight for the fucking car at like two miles an hour it cracked me up and that's what I thought of um first of all love Bridgerton I don't remember that scene but it might be in the newest season oh I have not seen that I've been getting a lot of newest newest season Bridgerton clips and I've never watched it, but maybe I should. Okay, let me just tell you that Vulture has a an article called the Bridgerton balloon disaster a timeline. So apparently this is like a whole thing. Okay, debacle. I'm gonna have to weirdly relevant that we've released there that we're recording this episode. What if we did that on purpose? What if like all our AI analytics have finally worked and it's like people will be talking about a balloon that hurt somebody? Maybe

that was Brad. Brad watches Bridgerton and because this was all Brad suggestion. Maybe Brad was watching Bridgerton was like, this just clicks. It's just so it's like they're so up on their pop culture. So true. Okay, I'm going to read one more review of Balloons Unlimited. That's not sure I'm going to read two more, but I'm going to read one for now of Balloons Unlimited in Loudoun County, Virginia. And this is a one star view and this one does have a response from owner. I would not recommend this place at all unless you want horrible costumer service and land in a tree next to power line and main toad. Okay. Road I'm assuming road, but it does say land next to a toad.

And so I thought the main toad main toad at least not on the toad. That's true. Or on the road. I mean, either way, Christian, it's probably not good. Unless you want horrible costume or service and land in a tree next to Powerline and Main Road. Robert, the owner, this guy only cares about money. He didn't even ask if we were okay after he nearly got us injured. So please do yourself a favor. Look for a different place. And, um, yes. How do you steer a hot air balloon?

I thought that I had just muted you with my runescape virus because you were like moving your mouth and I went it worked. It worked. I know I was just thinking like, well, I asked him about this question as I was saying it. You can't steer really. You can only like move it up and down with a flame. And so yeah, and with the sandbags, you drop in some sandbags.

Yeah, so Em was saying, like Em has done a hot air balloon. I almost said race. It was certainly not a race. Em has done a hot air balloon with their mom and was saying, like, once you're up there, it's kind of just like, you're in a big basket and they're just like, we'll land wherever we land. And it's like, okay.

Uh-uh, not for me. No, thank you. What if somebody has a fucking gun? I'm scared of helicopters that have more control. A gun? Well, not on the balloon, but like what if you, well on the balloon, first of all. This is fucking James Bond? Like what? Danger zone.

Second of all, what if you're landing somewhere and they're like get off my property, I have a gun and they shoot you. That's the most American question ever. I guess the balloon would be a good hint that they're not there to. Although it could be a Trojan horse situation. I don't think that necessarily matters to some people. Trojan balloon incoming. You never guess what we have on here.

It's an unconscious older lady. I'll just wait till this next one, Christina. Oh, OK. Let me finish this response because there's a response. Oh, there's a response. Good. Yeah. Using trees as a break is standard balloon practice. It is. A power line a hundred feet away is not an issue.

That was her excuse for not willing to pay. End of response. Well then count me out! I'm not interested in using trees as a break. That's not how that- When you sign up? That's not how trees work. Sorry. It shouldn't be if you ask me. Like, do you- I assume you sign some sort of waiver or something about, but like, do they explicitly say, Hey, we might land in trees because if I was in this and they didn't

warn me about that and we start going into some trees, I'm like, I'm dying. I'm gonna fucking die. No, for real, you're heading into a forest with that fucking balloon. I mean, I would assume I'm about to die. And to say that it's standard practice, like everybody knows that it's like, what do they? Don't be dramatic. Yeah. Oh God, you're such a fucking snowflake.

We landed trees all the time. The power line was like eight feet away. Relax. You got like one spark on you. It's standard practice to use power lines as a break. Okay. My next one is from Brad. Rocky Mountain Hot Air. This is a Denver, appears to be a Denver based balloon place. This is a one star review. And that last one I read I was like, Oh my god, this is wild. And then I read this one and I almost didn't include that other one because I was

like nevermind but I thought it made sense to ramp up yeah I feel like here we go to pick up the sandbags yeah like no offense Stacy that was a wonderful review and I was right you know I'm glad I brought it but then I read this one I'm like is it silly to read that one now that this one exists? I can't believe. Here you go. This is the one with the picture. What started out as a nice day ended in disaster.

On our first hard and uncontrolled collision with the ground, our owner slash pilot fell to the bottom of the gondola and couldn't get up. Two passengers were violently ejected. All the while, the hot air balloon is ascending rapidly. Ascending? He never regained ascending. Oh my god.

Because it hits the ground, ejects two people, the pilot is on the ground and can't, like, on the bottom of the gondola and can't get up. And wait, oh, and now there's two fewer people, so of course it's going to start going up. Oh, fuck. Oh my god. He never regained control, and we ended up hitting the ground very, very hard a second time. It knocked me unconscious, giving me whiplash and a severe concussion. At no time did Rocky Mountain offer assistance in the way of finding lost property, visit the hospital, or make any reconciliation.

They acted as though nothing happened, even though our pilot was bleeding and knew a few of us went to the hospital for our injuries. This is a terrible company. Be very careful if you fly with them. And right now I am texting you the attached photograph. Oh my God, this is the photograph. Oh my God. Okay, okay, okay.

And Christina, there's another review Oh my god, this is the photograph. Oh my god. Okay. Okay. Okay. And Christina, there's another review that also includes a photograph and it's of someone else who was in the experience. So that photo, which we're going to describe, because I don't think this belongs on Instagram. Maybe it'll pop up in our video episode, I guess. Pay to see this. This maimed human, this mangled body.

It's not worth it. No, it's, it's a man in a hospital. Oh, it's like taking a selfie, uh, and has a neck brace on and clearly visible, like bleeding injuries on his head. I mean, the other photo is a woman. I don't know if they're like in the same group or related or like married or something, but taking a picture and you they're like in the same group or related or like married or something, but taking a picture and you can see him in the background in his neck brace in his hospital bed and she's also in a hospital bed. Holy shit. So anyway, yeah. Alexander, I mean, I'm not kidding,

folks, like this man's head is all bloody. Like this isn't, it's not good. Oh my god. So but just like anyway, of of course they're gonna say oh nothing happened because like you take one look at this photo as a business owner you're like i'm out of business so i gotta fucking i was gonna say you go to like this page's trip advisor page and that's like the third photo so it's like two beautiful like pictures of these balloons and the third and the fourth of photos from the hospital. So it's like, and then the rest are like these really cute photos. I'll be honest when you said, uh, there are operator, what do they call it?

The captain, the operator, the pilot pilot, the pilot, the pilot never regained control. I thought they were going to say regained consciousness. And I was like, is he dead? Like, is he still in a coma? He never. Yeah, that would have been, uh-uh. Okay, so at least he, I think is alive. I mean.

No, like fatalities, gosh. No, as far as, I mean, they feel like they've mentioned that. I never heard about those two people who got ejected from the balloon before it flew away. That's a good point. That's a good point. Oh my God, I was there. I mean, they might have had the best outcome. They might not getting

hitting the ground hard a second time. This is not for me. I just like I don't care enough to do it to outweigh that risk which is it's just my own personal choice. I think some people probably would be like, well, it'll be fine. I just did some, no, I don't care enough. I saw a video recently about someone in a helicopter going to like a lighthouse, like, and there's the way to access the lighthouse is by helicopter. And I had this like moment where I was like, huh, would I do that? Because I'm very anti helicopter. I told myself I'd never go on a helicopter. But if I could only access a lighthouse via a helicopter, I still probably wouldn't do it because I was like, man,

I would really love to see this lighthouse. Why are you anti helicopter? They fucking kill you. Oh, OK. I didn't know if there was like some like safe. Oh, like an ethical. Yeah, I did. Alongside my veganism, I'm also like anti helicopter. But here's the thing that I want to clarify.

He's not anti private jet. Oh, of course not. Oh, my God. That would prevent him from flying his private jet, obviously. But no, those small planes, though, I don't know, like the like pat like those little ones. I know I've told this story, right? About the time that we went to Belize and they were like, all right, weighing everybody like by sight, like they were like, oh, they have to balance

the plane out. There were like six seats. And then they like put blaze here. They put this one woman here and most people were like in a couple, you know, and we were on our honeymoon. A couple of people were too or anniversaries or whatever. And they're like, kind of splitting everyone up. And then they're like, all right, let's go.

And I'm like, what about me? Like they didn't put me anywhere. And he's like, oh no, you're riding up front with me. And at first I was, but I got up there and I just like, talk about intrusive thoughts, seriously. I was sitting there and there were like so many buttons in front of me. I was like, this is some sort of mean test.

I mean, blinking, flashing, levers, like dials. Some that said, push me, push me. Big red button. I was like, man. But it was a little alarming because then I like kind of glance back and like in the way back, Blaze is like huddled with all these other people like jostling around and I'm just in this nice big like comfy chair in the front. I don't know. You just weigh as much as a co-pilot would. I guess so. Like I don't know how that was, uh, cause a lot of people looked just about the same. So as me, so I was like, I don't know. I don't know. But anyway, I had a great time. Hey, I'm very, I'm very comfortable with my weight, you know, I feel pretty good, whatever. It doesn't bother me anything. You know, I

don't have any thoughts, but now I'm questioning. I'm like, maybe I need to get to just in case maybe my ideal weight does exist. Your ideal? What diet are you on? Oh, the co pilot, co pilot weight, co pilot in Belize weight. Interesting. That's where that's my goal weight. Yeah. Yeah. But one thing with helicopters, and it's very recently relevant, you see fucking very famous, rich, wealthy people die in helicopter crashes, and people very powerful people get high in those. So I'm like, why would I hop in one? Like, it happens when the people are, quote unquote, important, you know, powerful in some way. What? There's an IHOP where you said I hop in one. Jesus Christ. I said that really sounded like he said I hop. Oh gosh.

Well, I guess I technically did anyway. So why would I get into Be clear. I'm also very, I will never get in a helicopter to be clear. I just didn't know if you had some sort of like moral high ground you were seeing I'm surprised. Oh god I mean, I mean what if okay question Would you get in a helicopter if you were in a terrible ballooning accident and had to be stretchered to the ICU? Christina first of all, I would never get in a hot air balloon. Okay, all that is right up there Would you get in a hot air balloon if you were in a terrible helicopter accident and needed a way to get to the ICU, but maybe

end up in your neighbor's lawn instead? Because that could happen. Curious. Yeah, look, if I had to be airlifted out of somewhere, because I'm in a bad shape or someone with me and my party is and we all have to get in a helicopter Look, I don't think I'll ever be in a place where I hope not I'm hoping I'm not living my life to do that because I'm not I'm not very outdoorsy and even if I am I'm doing the The basic shit, so they're okay for emergencies in some cases

Yeah, it feels like if I have to, it's like the lesser evil. That's the only reason I'd be in a helicopter. A hot air balloon or a helicopter? Now you gotta take one to the ice cream. We can start up this hot air balloon like two hours later. I don't know how long it takes to inflate. You're like, I think my back is broken. They're like, can you hold on to this rope and pull really hard to get the sandbags down? It's like, wait, this is- Bob here needs your help. Bob is asking for you to please get off your ass right now

and set the balloon up. Yeah. It's like so not for me. Let's just put it that way. Yeah. Oh yeah, same. Mom wanted to do for my 16th birthday, a hot air balloon trip. Oh really? For me and my friends.

But now looking back, she's also the one that talked us into skydiving. So I'm like, well, why am I even relying on her? At 14, I probably would have loved going in a hot air balloon. Same. Same with a helicopter. Same. No longer. No longer.

That's so naive. Okay, here is a one star review of Balloons Unlimited Ink. This is Bob's. No way. Bob's place. She could have called Bob's Balloons, but whatever. So here's a two star review of that same balloon place owned by Bob, Balloons Unlimited Ink in Lowndes County.

And this is my last review. It's a one star, or I'm sorry, it's a two star, but it has a response from Owner. I usually don't leave negative reviews, but I feel I need to for other safety. I do not recommend this company. The actual balloon ride was only 30 minutes, not the advertised hour. The landing was awful, to say the least. The balloon ended up in trees, so after the awful landing, we had to listen to Bob scream at us about getting the balloon out of the trees while we, five people, pulled with all our might. We were trying to pull the basket and balloon, which still had air in it, against the wind.

BF Oh my gosh. KB Like pulling like a parachute, basically, or like a sail in the wrong direction. BF I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised you didn't take off with them holding onto the ropes. KB I mean, I'm surprised he didn't like take off with them holding onto the ropes. I think I'm going flying for real. We were trying our best, but still had to listen to this constant screaming from Bob. We finally accomplished the task and the screaming stopped. Not once did he ask if we were okay from the landing. The only comment made was he looked at one guest and said, you're gonna bruise.

I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I-

I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I-

I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- Even injuries of danger, risk, injuries aside, this doesn't sound fun to be yanking this fucking balloon out of a tree.

It's a fucking day of work. It sounds like labor, like physical labor. I realize, quote, help with the equipment is appreciated, end quote, was stated in the email after making the reservation, but excruciating physical labor while being screamed at just isn't the same. Then seven adults were crammed into a truck to be taken back, not very professional and not worth the price we paid. And so now here's a response from Bob. Marie, if you landed with no bruises and walked away, that's the definition

of a safe flight. Okay, I feel like that's... Really? What? like, wait, so Marie, get back to me when you break your legs and can't walk anymore. Okay. This is hilarious. Weirdly, weirdly has a point after everything I've seen. I'm like, yeah, I guess I've seen what a really like unsuccessful unsafe landing is. So he does have a point of like, think about how much worse it could be, I guess. But that's something that like a dad would say about landing. It's like, oh, land in one piece. That's a successful, that's a good pilot. Yeah. Or like, oh, hey Marie,

want me to smack you in the head so that your leg stops hurting or whatever? Like Tim used to say, like, oh yeah, well, uh, if you break your leg, then I'll just break your other one. So you don't feel the first one. It's like, oh yeah, well, if you break your leg, then I'll just break your other one so you don't feel the first one. It's like, I feel like that's so different, but sure. It's not what he said, but yeah, the vibe of like, oh, I'll, I'll distract you, you know.

Sure. Okay. Let's keep reading. That was- Well, there's more to the response. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the first sentence and then there's a new paragraph. I'm sorry, I have to bark out orders.

We were headed into downtown Winchester where landing spots are few. I don't let the stopwatch influence my decision on what's the safest outcome for a landing. After 45 years and over 5,000 flights, my safety record speaks volumes. Yeah, because your safety record is made by you and what you determine is safe.

So I feel- You count so many bruises per person. Yeah, that's that's not fair to say oh I have a clean safety record it's like well who's in charge of that safety record I wonder anyway that was my last one oh man okay I only have one more and I feel like it's a weird not uplifting at all but it's it's not even a positive review it's a one-star but this is from Brad and this this is a one star review of Over the Rainbow Hot Air Balloon Rides. And this is-

Oh no, don't tell that to those people in England where Why are, what? They have died. Oh, Over the Rainbow? Wait, why are we not telling that? Nevermind, I think I thought Over the Rainbow was like about dying. Oh, no, that's like the Rainbow Road, I think.

Is that what people say? Rainbow Bridge, that's it. Rainbow Road is from Mario Kart. We got there. We got there, everybody. First of all, their fault for naming them so similar. Okay. God, how do you expect me to keep that straight?

This is a Judy Garland song, Over the rainbow, you know, somewhere, whatever. One star, okay? Wasn't able to see the soin. End of review. The what? Soin. S-O-I-N. Son?

We don't know. But it says wasn't able to see the soin. And then, um... The owner responds... Sorry you could not see the Soin! End of response. What is happening? I have no idea.

This is in the Seattle area by the way. And it opened up my eyes, I saw the Soin. Is a thing, I don't know. But Seattle, it's in Seattle. Uh, the SOIN? Yeah thing I don't know but Seattle it's in Seattle the SOI in yeah I don't know Wow the swine that's what I'm ending on because I thought it was silly I'm sorry you didn't see the swine though like I I kind of agree I'm also sorry that you didn't see it because it sounds like you want to because I'm like reading all these like really traumatic and there was one and like I

almost brought it but like referencing, there's like referencing deaths like actual deaths from hot air balloon ride. Oh fuck. This is a, it seems to be a very like, I don't know, it seems somewhat more dangerous than things like skydiving. I don't know. I feel like I don't, I don't know. I would do skydiving again before I do a hot air balloon ride. That's all I'm saying... I don't know. I would do skydiving again before I do a hot air balloon ride.

That's all I'm saying. I don't know. I would have to think about it. Anyway, it is time for my challenge. My challenge was from Abby and it was to read reviews where the reviewer mentions their secret ingredient to a recipe. How did this go? It was surprisingly kind of difficult because I mean I found some, they weren't all that interesting like a lot of them that I found they were just like, I don't know, but they're cute.

It's cayenne. It's like oh. Yeah. Yeah, there was something like that. There was someone who was like, I didn't bring this so I don't just say it, but there was someone reviewing a pho place and they were like, the broth was lacking. It was missing my secret ingredient, chili spice.

And I'm like, that is so lame. I don't know. It was like, come on. That's your secret ingredient. My fridge and I put it on everything. Yeah. That's like, yeah. I mean, I think when this, who sent this review again?

This theme? I'm sorry,, who sent this review again? This theme? I'm sorry, this challenge. Sorry. Abby. Abby. I think when Abby sent this to, it was like, oh, they were like, oh, bonus points. If their secret ingredient is like salt or something. So really?

Yeah. And I was like, aha, yes. So that's kind of what that reminds me of. Okay. Maybe I should have brought more of that. Oh, no, sorry. I don't know. I don't know. It's, I think it's. Okay. I didn't know. have brought more of that. Oh, no, sorry. I don't know. I don't know.

I think it's fine. Okay. I didn't know. I didn't realize that. Well, I have an email here. I do not think this fits the challenge. It does somewhat. I don't know.

It does, unfortunately. I'm just going to get into it. This is an email. Ellie, she, her sent this in and says quote, not to yuck anyone's yum, but I want to cry frowny face. Oh, okay. This is a review of an Amazon product called semenology, the semen bartender's handbook, parentheses semen cooking.

Elxinner, I can't, Elxinner. No, I did not look for this. I wouldn't have looked for this. This is not look for this. I wouldn't have looked for this. This is something that... Look. Look. Look. I've never said this and I've never even felt the sentiment. Honestly, Amazon should be ashamed. And I can't believe I just said that because I've never thought or felt that ever before about a big company like Amazon. I would never say that unless it were truly necessary and in this case I think they should be ashamed. Okay. Go ahead. Anyway, this is a book at 4.3 stars, 182 ratings. Let me read the description of the book.

This is the ultimate handbook for mixologists looking for ingredients that go beyond exotic fruit juices and rare spirits, driven by a commitment and passion for the freshly harvested ingredient. C- Oh my god. Why did they have to put it there? Jail! For the freshly harvested- it was harvested! Stop! Jail! Prison! Goodbye!

Seminology pushes the limits of classic bartending. Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters and has a personal touch to any cocktail. The connoisseur will appreciate learning how to mix selected spirits to enhance the delicate flavors of semen. The book provides useful tips that cover every detail of semenology from mixing and presentation to harvesting and storage advice. I kind of want to hear their harvesting advice. It doesn't seem real. And I'm sorry, but this picture, like the cover picture.

What is it? It's like, so you know what? I guess I can just send you a picture. Just send it to me. Christina, it is- I want to cry also. One of the- Ellie. It is one of those pictures that when you first look at it, you don't think

anything of it. But then when you realize what you're looking at, you're like, oh, this is foul. Okay. I don't, I don't want to be looking at this. I'm already upset. So like, I don't even know if we can put this in our video episode because it's just so like, like it's, it's not graphic by itself, but when you understand what's happening, basically,

crime against humanity is what it is. Would you like to describe it? Okay, I know, but I guess I guess I will. It's I'm gonna throw up. It's a fucking like, what do you call it a snifter glass like a like a bourbon? Yeah, it's something like that. And I guess yeah, I don't know my glasses. And it's filled with like a dark liquid, presumably like a

bourbon or whiskey. And then just from the top of the screen, it's like a trickle of white liquid just like, it's not even just like the trickle that's just so disturbing. But it's the fact that it goes into the beverage and you can like, it's not even just like the trickle that's just so disturbing, but it's the fact that it goes into the beverage and you can like see it start to cloud up the cocktail. Yeah. I'm not trying to yuck anyone's yum. However, I think this is just, it was just very graphic.

And the description felt like a joke. Is it a joke? I could say, I don't know. It feels like a joke, But I don't know. I'm just going to say that. Okay. The reason, the main thing that makes me think it's a joke is that they said that it's often freshly available behind most bar counters. That's where exactly it's hilarious. That's hilarious. That's hilarious when you think about it. It's like, oh, that's, that's a good one. So I think it might be somewhat of a joke,

but I think it's like a real product you can buy, like a book you can buy. Like with, it might be legit. I don't know the inside. I chose not to, there actually aren't any more pictures on this for this. But here's a verified purchase four star review, ready? Verified purchase, four stars.

An interesting read after the initial shock. This adult recipe book is not for the fainted hearted, but after you get over the initial shock of using the secret ingredient, it does tempt you to make a cocktail and try it for yourself. Interesting to read how the special ingredient can be integrated into a variety of drinks.

Multipurpose book for the adventurous, coffee table, bedroom, locked drawer, and toilet, parentheses, but for adults. End of review. I hesitate to ask this question, but what do they mean other, like, will you put in your coffee? Look, I'm like, I am reading, glancing through these reviews and some people are like This is a great gag gift But some people are like this was a great thing for me and my partner and an intimate thing for us Which again not trying to yuck there yum I'm just saying like that it seems like there are people who actually buy this book as and use it for its purpose

Think about it If if a couple is using it or people who are two consenting adults or multiple consenting adults. Sure, whatever. I mean, yes, sometimes that gets, unfortunately, I'm going to say this. I don't know why. Consumed anyway. And so, you know, you might as well spruce it up with some bourbon. But yeah, I think it's the part about like, oh, you could just harvest it from behind a bar counter is like, is this a serial killer thing? Like, Yeah, that's yeah.

So it's a different phrasing in that description was a little low. Yeah, it felt like we all do this, right? And it's like, oh my god, what? No. But I could understand if it's like an intimate date night. I mean, you know, you do you. There's certainly more dangerous and scarier things out there. So again, I am still curious about what their harvesting advice is.

That I don't that that is hilarious. I feel like you have to purchase like I hope you don't find out because I hope because I hope it's a secret insider trade secret. You can only know by the book. Yeah, fair, fair, fair, fair. Okay, so I got that out of the way. That was no more, no more of that talk. I promise. That was unfortunately pretty good. My next one is of Tampico Spice. It is just a spice company. They sell spice so you might find in your groceries. They are in California so maybe more likely out there.

But yeah, it's just this is a review of their like, their like factory where they make the spices. This is a five star review. Ready? Top notch ingredients and a helpful and knowledgeable family business. Customers are always asking me, what's my secret ingredient? It's Tampico's pure spices. They only sell the best quality. End of review. Aww, that's nice. That's really heartwarming. Spice it up in a positive way after that first one. I mean honestly after that first one you said it, honestly, after that first one, you said, it's tamp. And I was like, tampons.

Is it tampons? Is that the next? That's the secret ingredient. Yeah. Whew. And now I'm like ready for a jump scare around every corner. I know. Bodily fluid is next.

I don't blame you. Um, I do have one now of speaking of bodily fluids. This is of my daddy's recipes. I'm just kidding. Oh, I was like, I actually think I need to leave the room. Okay. I'm so sorry for that one. So this is like a catering company. They specialize in vegan soups, cobblers, cheesecakes. I have no idea where they're located though. So yeah, it's My Daddy's Recipes,

vegan chef, Nekia, formerly, oh, vegan chef Nekia is the new name, N-E-K-I-A. Here is a review, or not a review, sorry, this is in their description on Yelp. Okay. Okay. And this is what Nekia has to say. Cooking is my love language. I love to cook.

I have been cooking ever since I could put a chair to a stove. My superpower is I can make a gourmet or a delicious delectable treat out of a kitchen where most would look and say there's nothing to eat here. I love mixing spices and herbs. Lack of flavor is a sin. I season my food and everything I do with love. It's my secret

ingredient, my special sauce." And end of quotes. Awww. Do you want some of my special sauce? My special sauce. It's love. I, look, when I first read that, my brain was not like, eww. But now after that first review we read- Yeah, it tainted everything.

It tainted that last, my special... Yeah, it like tainted everything. It tainted that last My Special Sauce. Damn it. Damn it. We were so close to just like a perfectly heartfelt... I've been trying to be positive, I promise, after that first one. I appreciate your attempts. But it's hard when that's ingrained in your head that way.

It can't... it's just... Whose fault is it? Mostly mine. Mostly yours. Ellie's. Mostly Ellie's fault fault I would say. Anyway, anyway, I am now going to read my final reviews. Because this is a chain of reviews that I found.

This is somebody who is actively reviewing the Vons in Solana Beach, California. Actively reviewing the Vons. Solana Beach, California. Actively reviewing the Vons. That's very funny to me. They haven't updated since 2021 actually, but there are many updates. Here we go. All positive. Ready?

Four star review. That's the most shocking part of all, sorry. Just to, I was not expecting that. Okay. The star rating doesn't change at all and yet we're doing all of this. People are fascinating. I love it. I love it.

Okay. Here's what Michael has to say about this Vaughn's in September of 2017. It's a very large, well displayed store with a huge parking lot out the front. End of review. Perfect. Here's it. And with four pictures from within the store. Okay, no need to add or change anything. You did great.

It's all good. We're good. We get it. Two years later in April, 2019, clean store. We sometimes pop in here for stuff like Gatorade and a few other small items. End of review. Okay, a little more detail, okay.

Yeah, a little more. Here we go. December,, a few months later. Still clean. We stopped by here to buy a few last minute food prep items so my wife can go crazy with pre-Xmas cooking. Not much ever changes inside of Vaughn's store. End of review. Okay. So true.

He's like, he's like, I know. It doesn't. He's like, I know. It doesn't. He's like, I know you know me, dear reader. I know you know me as the guy who goes and buys Gatorade, but even I sometimes have to go and get some fixins for my wife to cook up the holiday roast.

Yeah. But okay, do you think that like, these are the only times he's going there or is? I don't, you know, that's kind of the vibe I got, but like maybe not. Maybe it's just like goes many times and then every once in a while it's like, I should update them.

They're probably wondering if it's still clean in here. Yeah. So, oh, by the way, those, all the three that I've read so far have had pictures of from within the store. Okay. Here's another one. Quick and easy.

Oh, I'm sorry. April 2020. So this is four months later. Pandemic starting. Quick and easy. We nicked over here after charging my wife's Tesla 3 at one Paseo to pick up some potatoes. My wife zipped in and out in five minutes. Bangers and mash tonight, courtesy of me.

End of review. Okay. That's the wildest one yet. We gassed up the Tesla. What did? They charged the Tesla and went to get some potatoes. Oh my god. And then and four pictures from inside the store, of course. Of course. None from inside the Tesla? No, all from inside the store. And then here's one. June 1st, 2020.

A couple months later. They have heaps. I hit Vons yesterday looking for toilet paper. They had heaps. So I grabbed a pack of our favored variety. I nearly died at the checkout when it rang up to $25. Truly, I think the greedy toilet paper manufacturers are gouging us. End of review. Yeah, so this is Pete Coven. Yeah, so this was, there's a picture,

two pictures from outside the store, a selfie with a mask on that has like a mustache picture. Remember when it was fun to wear masks? I mean, it was never fun, but remember when you could be like creative and like buy from artists and like they just certain charities and now they're all just like in the back of a drawer or like get used on airplanes, but that's it. Yeah. And then, oh, I forgot to mention there's also a picture of the toilet paper. Oh, excellent.

In the packaging. Excellent. Here's another one. This is September of 2020. So another. What brand was his favorite. His favorite brand, by the way. Charmin Ultrasoft. And this is the mega, the mega, mega pack.

Mega pack. Okay. Mega pack. Here's one. A few months later, September 2020. Super quick stop. The only times we hit Vons is when I need Gatorade. I love the Passion Fruit flavor the best. Ew. Wait, what? There's a patch? We're back to the Gatorade. Okay, it all comes back to the Gatorade.

Even during COVID, I feel like it's very relevant. The Gatorade feels like it would be needed throughout the year. I'm always new for Gatorade or Bangers and Nash. And importantly, this one had a picture of the Gatorade. First of all, it is not a Passion Fruit flavor Gatorade I don't then why um good question it's but it's like the yellow Gatorade you know like the lemon lime I assume the worst it won't let me see it like something's up with the yelp yelp is rejecting this well why didn't let you see because now I have your text chat open it's just

semen ology I'm waiting for a new one to come in. I didn't know. I'm not sending you these pictures. What? I thought you were going to send me the Gatorade, I don't know. A picture of a gate, it's literally a hand holding a gate, it's not worth looking at. It won't even let me open it. Like Yelp won't let me open it.

I think that's why I want to see it. Oh, I lied. Oh, I find, I got it open. Cristina, it's a passion fruit gate. Yes, see, I knew it. That's why I wanted the picture. I'm sorry. I wanted to say, I want you to prove it's not passion fruit. No, I did not. It looks like the lemon lime.

But then I felt like that was a really mean thing to say, so I didn't say it. I couldn't open it up. I have something bad to tell you that Gatorade confirms it has discontinued. Discontinued. Yeah, they're a passion fruit flavor. That is the least surprising thing. And I have something bad to tell you that Gatorade confirms that has discontinued discontinued Yeah, they're a passion fruit flavor. That is the least surprising thing Gatorade confirms. It has discontinued entire organic What the fuck they had it were organic. They had a Gatorade line, which I think they accidentally incidentally Unfortunately released right before Kovan and I think people maybe got it got really super concerned about Okay Well, here's another one before COVID. And I think people maybe weren't really super concerned about their Gatorade

being organic. Okay. Well, here's another one. This is 21 days after that last Gatorade review. Okay. By the way, each one of these reviews starts with an all-cap, except for the first one, start with like an all-caps like, kind of like intro. So like, it's been clean store, still clean, quick and easy. They have heaps. Super quick stop. All capitals.

Here comes all cops. And here's the next one. Stock up. This supermarket is my number one Gatorade destination. We stopped by here this afternoon to grab a few passion fruit Gatorade. My favorite flavor. Some King Arthur bread flour,

a six pack of spring water and red lobster cheddar biscuit mix. I come here, but I really don't like coming here. And the review- Wait, what? Okay, hang on. First of all, that's not true.

You're lying. Second of all, you, my friend, this fella, like, would be the perfect candidate for these jobs where they're like, fill out a survey about your grocery purchases and we'll give you like 40 cents. You know, like those apps that we used to do or like I used to do where it would just like such a pain in the ass and it's so like, what's the word? Like boring, tedious. Yeah.

He'd be like, all right, I ordered, I bought a bag of saltines. I think they're okay, but they could use a little more salt. Like, I feel like this guy would be perfect for the role of secret chopper. Well, not secret, because he clearly posts this on the internet, but you know. I fear that there'd be too much Gatorade discourse that would be happening, because it would be like,

they're like, hey, we're Vons. We don't really, we're not in charge of what Gatorade does. It's like, yeah, but could you please just talk don't really, we're not in charge of what catering does. Yeah, we just do what they tell us to do. Could you please just talk to them and bring back the passion for catering? Like I'm boycotting your store until you, it's like, we don't have a say on that. I'm sorry.

That's not up to us. Okay, so then here's another one. So that was in September, 2020. This is January, 2021. Here we go. For the love of cheese. When my wife and I were up in Monterey on vacation recently, we picked up some sensational Cabot Vermont

seriously sharp white cheddar. Hard to find locally. You went to Monterey to pick up Cabot's Vermont style cheddar? Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know. Maybe it was close by.

Where's Monterey? I guess I just thought like, oh, Monterey Jack, like Monterey, I don't know, maybe it was close by. Where's Monterey? I guess I just thought like, oh, Monterey Jack, like Monterey, I don't know. I guess I just thought like in a wine area that like, it wouldn't necessarily, a California Napa, whatever the fuck type of place, like to discover a Vermont cheese feels very weird. A Vermont cheese that you can buy at the grocery store feels very weird to me.

I don't really know. Maybe I'm just bitter because I broke my tooth on a Cabot's Vermont popcorn. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, no wonder. I'm like, this is personal. I could tell. I could tell by your tone and the way you were shaking as you were saying it. This is personal. I could tell. I could tell by your tone and the way you were shaking as you were saying it.

This is personal. You know, because it's criminal minds. You know, like, because... nevermind. Okay. Yeah. No, I see. Now I can picture it. I was going to make a joke about stabbing, but then I was like, oh man, bummer. We missed that. We missed out on that one. I can't believe I just announced that I was going to make a joke. If only.

Oh, next time maybe. Next time we'll all get that joke. I can't wait. God, I'm really embarrassed. Okay. I don't know what I was trying to say about the Cabots. It just seems weird. It's like saying, to me, it sounds like saying, oh, I was up in, I don't know, Montreal and

I discovered Pringles chips. I don't know. It's just like very basic and random feels to me. I guess, yeah. No, I don't know if like, I don't know't know. It's like, cause like, I don't, it's like Monterey Jack isn't like that fancy. It's not like they're- I know. But I thought maybe that they were in an area where like, you know, it's all about cheese.

You like- I see. There's like cheese and wine. And then for them to be like, oh, we kind of want this. Like, wow, we discovered this amazing thing. And it's like, I don't know. I'm not, I don't know anything. I've been so out of the cheese game these, you know,

over the years. I know, I don't even know where Monterey is. I lost my connection with, it's in Cal, it's like central, central coast. Here we go. Hard to find locally, but their website said our local Vaughn stocked it and they did. We usually prefer extra sharp white cheddar, which is three years aged minimum,

but we found the Cabot, 18 months aged, to be very tasty. We picked up King Arthur bread flour, bottled spring water, vinegar, soft caramels, Haagen-Dazs iced coffee, almond crunch cream bars, and more. We self-checked out to avoid the lines. End of review. Oh my Lord.

Okay, first of all, it's so pandemic coded to hear about this flour. Like, you know they're baking bread like everybody else. True, true. Also, I need to say, this reviewer, Michael, I just realized something. There is a button to click that says, see all photos from Michael for Vons.

Because each one has had like anywhere from one to like four or five photos. Right. Oh. Turns out there are 104 total photos from this reviewer of this Vons. Of this particular Vons. Yes. As far as I can tell, it looks like they're all of the same Vons because they're under the... Yeah, photos for Vonsons 164 total for this location.

A hundred and four of them are Michael. No. I kind of love some. That's one of those things where you go to Yelp. You don't think about all these photos and you go through them. Sometimes they're helpful and you don't think that hey look someone's got to do it. This is that person that is posting all the photos of products of what it looks like from every fucking angle. And I love that.

Because I am someone who like, oh my God, okay. But it's the number of pictures of passion fruit Gatorade, I think might be a little excessive. Just a bit. Okay, well, no, see, that's, no, I disagree. You know why? Because now that is historic. Like that's-

It is evidence of what once was. Historic because, I was like, evidence? Is this Criminal Minds again? Some more things. Ah! No, I was like, you know, on Facebook I'm only basically only in- I only go on Facebook to look at Victorian photos because I'm in all these groups of like old Victorian photos and like Edwardian England and all this.

And so these photos keep coming up like any day now, I'm going to see like a sepia toned passion for Gatorade be like, this is part of history. Yeah. Wait, did I even tell you that they're all sepia toned? They all are through a sepia filter. How do you know that? They're all with those old flash bulbs where somebody had to go behind like a little curtain and take the picture.

The Gatorade couldn't move for like three days. That's how long a photo took. I'm also realizing something else. Christiana about this. A lot of these photos are coming after the reviews. Like not when the reviews are happening. I think he's uploading his profile first of all, The Dining Legend, and I do not disagree. That has very Foodie News 1 vibes, The Dining Legend. 53,000 photos.

Is it Foodie News 1 rebranded? I'm not even kidding. Maybe, I don't know, but no, it's impressive. It's impressive, the photos. I love it. And also selfies, a picture of like his wife and stuff, which is so cute. Like that was from May of this year.

Oh my God, two days ago, there's a cute photo of his wife. They're out at a cafe. Hang on. It's my lovely wife. It's just so cute. Hang on, Tall Beth? Handlebar mustache Robbie? of his wife, they're out at a cafe. This is my lovely wife. It's just so cute. I'm so- Hang on, tall Beth? Tall Beth.

Handlebar mustache Robbie? This is really- Wait. Like even like, oh my God, it's just so cute. Anyway, also so good. I went to go to this cafe that they just went to. The main photo, the main photo is now a picture of his wife through an onion ring. Cute! And the caption says, here's looking at you, babe. Come on, that's so cute. No,

I fucking love it. And I went through these photos, every photo of the ones at the Vaughn's that I've gone through has a caption, like specific to the photo. Like this is F. This is 104. And so there's ones that like Gatorade says, gotta have my Gatorade. And then there are ones, but no, it's like picture of the price of the Gatorade, it says Gatorade Passion Fruit. There's a picture of it's the price tag Gatorade Passion Fruit and a bunch of like non passion fruit Gatorades And it says no passion fruit still what up?

Does not say what up? What's up like what up? Oh my gosh, there is a picture of that style the the tropic flash Gatorade in his hand And it says good flavor, so okay. I hope he found happiness elsewhere because that passion fruit is no go anymore. Yeah, no, I just love it. Like so many great pictures. Like for that, that cabbage cheese, it says, it says this tastes great. Like, like, it's like, it's reviews within reviews. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like so impressive. That like these photos, I just, I cannot even even I mean imagine what a romantic homemade flatbread a romantic. Oh

that sounds nice a romantic date night of Gatorade and and Cabot cheese, but They did make a lot of other foods or a Christmas roast. I made that one up and then What was the other one? Bangers and mash. There you go. And there's, I actually right here have a picture of, yeah baby, my homemade Royale with three cheese grilled sandwich and steak frit.

Frit, frit, frit, frit, frit, frit, frit, frit, frit, frit. I don't know how I'm supposed to say that. Probably not that. Anyway, you like sharp-eared listeners might be like, none of this has matched the challenge and you would be correct. Not once. Yeah, I'm not a sharp anything listener.

I'm barely a listener. That's true. I've noticed that about you. Here is the final update, I should say the most recent update because there have been photo updates. Right, Final has such a negative connotation. But this is March 2021. This is the review that I originally, that originally brought me to this chain.

That feels so recent that it was three years ago. I know, it's weird. I miss him. Here we go. Fast pit stop! I zip down here around midday to pick up a can of red kidney beans, my secret ingredient in my delicious homemade spaghetti bolognese, and I love red kidney beans. And of course, I zip down. Everyone is zippin' around. I love this. And sure enough, there is a picture of him holding some a can of red kidney beans and it just says, love these babies. Secret ingredient.

And of challenge. Alexander, that wasn't remarkable. You really went from one extreme to a normal fucking food item to like the least normal fucking food items. You mean the other way around. Special sauce. Well, yes. I food items like you mean the other way around special sauce. Well, yes. Yes. I'm just saying you ran the gamut one. Yeah, I actually was so deep into that.

I forgot about that first review until he brought it up. So thank you for like bringing me back every time I try to like even open my text, which was only every time I thought you were going to send me another picture of like the steak frit or whatever. Yeah, I'm not sending these to you. Sorry. I like that.

I get the special privilege of having that terrible semen picture, but yeah. And then people in a hospital from a hot air balloon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you sending me all this negative content? I'm trying to raise my vibration over here. Um, yeah. anyway, anyway.

I don't know if people want to pay to watch that. I know, I know. I dig it back. I hope that everyone enjoyed this episode. Zandi, you did a great job. Honestly, I did. It was wild. This was a fun one, I thought. This was fun. I thought so. We always say that, but it's true.

Trust me, we don't always say that. Because I don we always say that, but it's true. Trust me. We don't always say that because I don't always feel that way. Sometimes, sometimes I'm having so little fun that I'm like, I'm not even going to pretend. Oh, okay. Um, well that's not the case today. Cause we're so happy to be here with you today. Um, and we're going to miss you so much when we leave, which is now, And we're going to miss you so much when we leave. Which is now. Which is now, but this is not our final update. Much like what?

That guy you just talked about. I'm sure we'll be back in like four years with another pictures that we post on Instagram. I don't know why we're acting like this is our last episode ever. I was joking about the guy in the review you just read. And we said, you said it's his final update. And I said, well, I hope not. And I said, this is not our final update. Yeah, true. Keep up. I just I can't keep up with this. You brought me it's like whiplash, you just start you started

talking about that first review that fucking semenology book and now that's in my head So I can't don't say don't say the W word We just read all those reviews about hot air balloons and a lot of people were Okay, okay, okay Everyone thanks for hanging out. We had fun. I had fun. Hope you had fun, everybody. Yeah, come see us live. beachusandy.com slash tour if you want to see tickets. I want to say this is coming out around our or like coming up to our Seattle and Portland shows. So man, really excited to see you all there. But we got a lot more shows 10 other shows. Go see us. It'll be lots of fun. We promise. We promise. Yeah, bring bring bring people that don't

know about us because our show is not. It's a lot less insight jokey when it's live. Yes, that's also bantery. Yeah. The best banter length, you know, it's like the ideal like picture your ideal podcast show. And that you know, it's like the ideal like picture your ideal podcast show. And that's usually what it's like, which is so weird that like you think the same way. But that is kind of what it's like. So I would recommend attending because we know there's a full audience watching us and it's not just us goofing off. Yeah, we have to actually shape up and do it.

We have a good mix of it all. It's like we're goofing off with our listeners. That's beautiful. Yeah, it is. It is beautiful. It's a beautiful thing to witness and experience. So go get your tickets now. Beach2Sandy.com slash tour. Sign up for our Patreon Beach2Sandy.com slash Patreon and go buy our merch Beach2Sandy.store and follow us on social media at Beach2Sandy and watch our videos. YouTube, YouTube, YouTube. We have YouTube clips and stuff that you should go check out. And like, we have stuff that's not Patreon related on YouTube. Trust us.

Like, yeah, yeah, like it's fun. It's really fun. I think that's fun for everybody and it's free. So go watch our videos. Even if you don't have fun. Some old favorite clips that you might have forgotten about. It's free and it helps us a lot if you watch it. So go do that. Alrighty. Love you all. Thanks for hanging out.

Beach to Sandy water to wet is a forever dog production hosted and produced by Sandy and Christine Schieffer. edited by Marco Padilla cover art by Courtney Aventura. The music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Zilio, Alex Ramsey and Brett Bowum.