Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 29: Movie Theaters in Providence, RI

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

We're back with another episode for your listening displeasure. We read the worst reviews of movie theaters in Providence, RI, and Christine reads reviews written from the perspective of pets. I mean, who would want to miss hearing Christine channel her new friend Martin Van Purren? Oh, you? Well then go away. As for the rest of you, please enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.   Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, sirkoto51, and tyops.   Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to episode 29 of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. And I am Alex. Hello.

Howdy. Welcome. We're on 29, almost 30, flirty and thriving. Were you thinking that all day uh-huh i hope one person out there enjoyed that thank you i did not it was me okay you gave us our theme this week movie theaters in providence rhode island what was that challenge that i gave you it was to find a review written in the perspective of an animal, a pet. And I heard you struggled.

I did until I didn't. Okay. Let's put it that way. Then it wasn't like a, just all flooded in. Then it was a sudden deluge of, oh no, humanity at its worst. That challenge reminded me of you, though, something you might do. Maybe the old me, before people actually followed me on the internet. Now maybe I tone those kinds of things down.

Probably smart. Probably for the best. Before we get into our reviews, I want to give a quick announcement about a video we have coming up. This Friday. How unfortunate. We're releasing our next video so if you don't already subscribe to our youtube channel search for beach to sandy and youtube and you will find us uh watch our old bizarre videos and get ready for a next one let's just say it's getting back at me for the bowl cut it's it's my sweet sweet revenge and also if you have any ideas

for videos we can do in the future, please let us know. Oh, yeah. Send us an email at beachshoesandy at gmail.com. We're out of ideas. I'm so sorry. People kept tweeting me like, why were you in such a bad mood? And I was like, leave me alone. Oh, from last episode?

It was my birthday. I can cry if I want to. But it's over now. So there's no excuse. I have to be happy. Until your next birthday, you're not allowed to be sad. Okay. Okay.

Let me hear what you have for your movie theaters in Providence, Rhode Island. Okay. Have you been to Rhode Island? No. I drove through it once. Blaze has been. It took me like 10 minutes. He's from Connecticut, so I feel like people over there go to places like Rhode Island.

I know nothing about it. I also know nothing except that people have a real big problem with movie theaters there yeah i gotta say i think all of mine or most of mine came from the same theater um mine too okay which one oh my god was it the providence place cinema it was oh no maybe this is just like the same like the the worst one we found but i think it had the most reviews. Oh, no. But I specifically only did Google reviews, so we shouldn't have any of the same. Unless they copy-pasted them, they should all be different. And we shouldn't have seen the other person, so it should be a surprise to us both.

It should be. Okay, so this is a review by Matthew of the Providence Place Cinema 16 and IMAX. The IMAX experience? Watching the most anticipated film of 2019, Avengers Endgame, at the Providence IMAX, turned into an IMAX nightmare. As a cautionary tale,

it is probably a good idea to devour and choke on a giant bucket. Bucket of what? What could it be? As a cautionary tale, it is probably a good idea to devour and choke on a giant bucket of popcorn throughout the previews. You know, the one that comes with refills. Sorry. Especially if you are a director's member of showcase star pass like myself

because they closed the concession stand a half hour before the movie throughout the beginning of the film i had to go back and forth to get concessions because the one within the showcase closes later than the one at imax even the guy i chatted with who checked the tickets and bags thought it was utter insanity to make matters worse i had to go through this not once but twice i have a feeling the employee wasn't like it's utter insanity sir i agree with you the like 16 year old who just wants to go home so wait this just so far the complaint is that there are a couple concession stands and the one right by the imax closes before the the other one so they have to go all the way to the other one yes it closes half hour before

the movie got it right so during the movie or right before the movie he has to go to um a different concession stand on the in the main area of the theater i imagine okay which is obviously utter insanity. In fact, and during the second trip around, I must have lost five to six minutes worth of endgame, which got me very anxious and utterly disappointed as I got locked out. Oh! And had to knock really hard to get back inside. Okay, that is hilarious. So, wait, first of all... It was like playing inside me he's like let

me in and then so like bothered everyone else so now that's probably why all of my one star reviews were all about the same guy knocking really loudly on the theater doors oh but but i wasn't hurling out any insults or any profanity in the whole process i'm so proud of you sir the staff whom opened the doors were also unfathomably rude this kind of treatment was totally unacceptable because we pre-ordered tickets in weeks advance via atom tickets including a poster which cost us the price of a nintendo switch video game only for my brother and myself to see this main event in cinematic history, which we waited 11 years to see this happen.

Oh my lord. This is too much. Why can't the cinema consider building some passageway between the two ends? Like a secret tunnel? Yeah, just for him. So he doesn't get locked out anymore why can't the cinema consider building some passageway between the two entrances without going through locked doors like myself if they are so concerned regarding security what a horrendous design

oh and if this cinema continues to treat my family like an ashtray of cigarettes after splur- What? Very few humans in history, like, well, okay, probably too many have been treated that way, and I guarantee you it's not this man and his family. Oh, and if this cinema continues to treat my family, by the way, he quotes ashtray, like in quote, ashtray of cigarettes? Oh, no, that makes it- Right. Like in, quote, ashtray of cigarettes? After splurring serious money to witness a cinematic event like this once in a lifetime? Please don't talk

about it that way. No offense to Avengers fans, but a lot of offense to this Avenger fan. Please. I will not come back here. Period. Thank you for losing a loyal customer for two decades. Shame on everyone managing this theater. End of review.

That was a doozy. I mean, I wonder, I'm like really curious because I can't picture it, how this theater is set up. I wonder if it would really like bother me, but definitely not this much. It sounds like a pretty normal freaking setup. Like the IMAX being separate. And that there's multiple concession stands. And usually the ones near the theater aren't open anyway,

at least the ones I go to. Yeah, that's true. Anyway, so that's... But you're probably thinking of the Esquire. Maybe. Which is really tiny. Maybe, maybe. Okay, probably.

And you should have seen the number of times i got locked out there during a cinematic event of a lifetime that sketchy alley right by that yeah actually um but yeah god don't talk about it that way it's not doing you any favors doesn't matter how you feel you're not winning any people over by talking about it oh speak for yourself yeah you're you're i'm a stan what's it called again yep you got it get it. Get it? I'm a Stan Lee Stan. I'm funny. That was kind of funny. Thank you.

I didn't like it, but it was kind of funny. Oh, I didn't even write his name down. Matthew. Oh, yeah, I did. Well, thank you, Matthew. I'm a Matthew Stan. Hey, am I cool now, teens? Teens, are you there?

No, because last episode we banned them. 13 to 19 year olds. Some teens literally thought we banned them from the show. We did not ban anyone from the show. Don't worry. Or let's just pretend the ban is lifted. You can do what you want. We mark it as explicit and then it's up to you.

It's not our problem. I'm not encouraging anyone to listen to this episode. Don't say we didn't warn you that we say stan sometimes and pearl and pearl okay my turn yes good because i have a review from bun bun no i don't want it it's a one-star review of the same providence play cinemas i pooped my pants and they did not clean it up stop it already i'm done and some guy ate all my popcorn and they did not clean it up. Stop it already. I'm done. And some guy ate all my popcorn and they did not care. Do not go!

End of review. What the fuck did I just hear? I imagine Bun Bun went to the theater with Matthew. Oh no! And Matthew, the way that he was going back and forth for his popcorn, probably decided to eat some bun buns, too. The rest of it, I don't even want to comment on.

Because that did happen, though. I mean, not at a movie theater, but there was a man who was on a flight and forced the attendant to change his diaper or wipe him down and stuff like it was awful awful stuff blaze was recently on a flight and um he sat down and there no he sat down and there was puke on the front of the seat that he was sitting behind like jesus he said it was like in the magazines and stuff and like he works in an er so it doesn't bother him as much but he obviously was like horrified so he like slurped it up stop it worked in an er so he told the flight attendant and they were like oh here and they gave him some paper towels and he's like this is not this is like a literal biohazard and so i threw i i like never i mean truly like not to sound like

a fucking cliche yelp complaint but like i don't usually bother people with shit like this but i wrote them an email like what in the goddamn world like Like, I only fly your airline, yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I got 10,000 SkyMiles out of it. There you go. See, no, but that's the way to- Please didn't get any, but I did. I think that's the way to deal with it. Like, first, I would reach out and complain and get something out of it instead of going straight to Yelp.

Yeah. Because then they'll always usually just say, please contact us directly at. Yeah. Yeah. And like, I mean, I don't know. Shit happens. But that was too far. I was like, you cannot make somebody clean up somebody else's vomit on a plane.

Oh, I think they deserve a bad review for that. That was really bad. I'm just saying, like, I'm glad you handled it that way. And they handled it their way. And thank God it was Blaze because he's fine about that. But like, I'm, I mean, not to pull that card too, but like people who are immunocompromised if you're pregnant who knows but like you don't fucking clean up someone else's vomit no no that's so fucked up the first thing i said was well you did buy a middle seat that's funny and he was like you're an awful person but

i got 10 000 miles out of it and now wait i love how you got it wait because i complained he didn't complain because i'm the gold member oh my lord okay next next i listen someone had to say he tweeted at them no they didn't respond so i sent him he did not yes he did he tweets he tweeted one time and it was at delta okay oh sorry i dropped the name of the you already said sky miles i'm pretty sure that's like a delta trademark so don't worry okay i'm sorry and then you also bragged about being a gold mile member so you're you evened it all out bragging it's really unfortunate i'm not bragging i just fly a lot i'm not i have a lot of miles and i have 10 000 more i don't want to fly i love travel I don't want to fly a lot. I love travel. I don't want to fly.

That's my personality trait. I love travel. I need to fly to like freaking Cleveland. Okay. Well, now we just lost another city. Yeah, suck it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay?

Are you ready for Adam's review? Sure. This is a review, a one-star review of the same place shocker adam says black panther 9 20 p.m you know my favorite kinds of reviews okay imax period wait IMAX. Period. Wait, no date, though? No. Oh, shoot. Yeah, I don't know why. Almost a trifecta. Black Panther, 9.20 p.m., IMAX. So, I arrived at the IMAX theater early because I read the wrong showtime. No big deal. The place was a ghost town.

I got my concessions and walked into the IMAX theater after the group from the last showing had dispersed. I walked up to my seat, got myself comfortable, and waited. Then an older woman who was cleaning up the theater kindly told me, sir, if you're here for the next showing, you actually can't be in here, to which I apologized and explained, I'm sorry, I didn't see anyone, so I just walked in. Now this is where it gets passive-aggressive as all hell. Anything but that. She follows up my apology with, well, you need to walk back out.

This, to me, felt like an attack, and I really didn't appreciate it. I understood. Jeez, they couldn't have come up with something that's, like, actually aggressive? Right. Like, they couldn't have, like, made this woman actually seem bad instead they like admitted that she did nothing wrong i actually

misread it it says this to me felt like a mild attack okay so you were making him seem worse than he is what oh perhaps but it gets worse so i'm nervous we'll see she follows my apology with well you need to walk back out this to me felt like a mild attack and i really didn't appreciate it i understand this is not the fault of the cinema however my rating stands okay i'm gonna interrupt again not only he just said it's not the fault of the cinema but it's the fault of this woman who happens to work for the cinema it has to clean up after these nasty ass people pooping their pants in the theater

okay and dig secret tunnels yes the concession stand because they get locked down start banging around in the doors however my rating stands i don't appreciate attending an establishment where the workers feel they can talk to me this way. The ticket booth attendant was delightful and got me a great seat and a great deal, so five stars to him. A great deal? Does that happen at theaters? You're like bargaining? Got me a great seat.

The lowest I can go is $14.50, sir. The concession stand worked a little blase. What? I don't remember this line. The concession stand worked a little blase, but that's not a problem. He didn't bother me. Oh, he meant worker. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

The concession stand worker a little blase, with the accent, by the way. But that's not a problem he didn't bother me but that woman oof what a piece of work anyways i'm sorry anyways i'm sorry for the rating showcase cinemas but that just wasn't cool end of review literally just say i'm sorry and then get up and go that's the thing is he said oh i'm sorry i didn't see anyone so i just walked in and then stayed in his seat yeah and she was like okay well you need to leave yeah she literally told you that already because she had to clean up after those nasty ass people oh no you're sitting in a poopy seat sir you need to leave oh my god so wait is this is this a showcase cinemas it didn't say that so people keep

saying showcase it must be huh i didn't know because i know we used to go to showcase we did and we used to do donuts in the parking lot i mean not us but tim yeah while we were in their car i mean not in while we were in the theater he wasn't like waiting for us doing donuts that's where i saw finding nemo really was it open then i'm like because it closed remember i don't know yes it was open then that was a long time ago dude i get okay yeah i kind of forgetting how long ago finding me that was 2003 oh okay yeah that makes sense that's horrifying yeah okay anyways but then it was like a mega church oh 13 year olds don't know what finding nemo is we should probably if you're 13 and 19 it's a thrill a horror thriller from 2003 don't look it up look it up my next review is of the same place okay i'm sorry i just looked down and saw like i just

watched dumbo and i was like what and then i remembered there was a new movie yeah sorry i thought i got thrown back into like Tiny Nemo times. Tiny Nemo times? Tiny Nemo. Although I guess Dumbo came out in like 1905 or something. I feel like with Disney movies, it's very much like I either guess way too early or way too late. Okay, 1941, I was close. Oh, wow.

Okay, see, I would have guessed way too late. I would have guessed it came out in the 80s or something. Early movie. When did All Dogs Go to Heaven come out? That's the most important one to me. I imagine in the 90s. I'm going to guess 90, 95. I'm guessing 94. Okay.

Is this like prices, right? Yes. 1989. Okay. I win. We quit. I quit. Okay.

My next review is of The Same Place by Jeanette, a one star. I hardly give bad reviews, but this is the worst cinema I've been to. Yes, it's huge. About 700 chairs in most movies. They have good snacks, etc. Now, why the bad review? The people attending have no consideration for others, nor respect for the people actually trying to watch the movie.

Yes, we went on a Saturday night and to watch a scary movie. Probably Finding Nemo. Finding Nemo. Maybe that was the wrong time and wrong movie. There were young people. Oh, God. And adult people. Oh, God.

Calling out to others from 25 to 30 foot distance oh god shouting obscenities running between chairs i even got a toe stepped on just like running how does this happen i know like is that actually how this happened that night i would love to see it go down me too not while i was trying to enjoy the movie but as a participant in the running around as an employee i'd like to watch this happen women resting their feet on the chairs in front of them practically putting their feet at six inches of someone's face i mean it seemed like i was in another world It definitely seems like that. Jeanette? Jeanette.

G-E... Nope. J-E-N-N-E-T-T-E. Okay. Where I'm from in Connecticut, you'll never see anything like this. At least not in my town. Oh my god. Thought you'd enjoy that.

That's horrifying. I was expecting for someone to take a gun out and do a massacre like the ones we read in the papers. Jeanette! I mean, that's how bad this place was. No! I kind of feared for our security there. I do not recommend this place at all. That went from zero to

5,000 very quick. Escalated so fast. I got a toe stepped on. How upsetting is that? Someone almost pulled out a gun. Well, I got my toe stepped on. Same thing. Yeah. I bet that toe stepped on. How upsetting is that? Someone almost pulled out a gun. Well, I got my toe stepped on. Same thing. Yeah. I bet that someone is herself. Because she was so unhappy with everyone running around like that.

Oh, my God. Maybe she was talking about herself. Maybe this was a cry for help. What a crazy person. Oh, isn't that insane? Yes. I understand being annoyed at that kind of stuff. But then talking about that as if it's very much much like a oh i'm gonna throw this into my one star yelp review because it's topical like that's so crazy it's

like the things we read about on the news no it's not it's literally not children and adult people running around and throwing things potentially if that's even what happened i'm just putting that out there i'm glad she specified though that it was young people and adult people. Agreed. But what's funny is they said that it was just women who were putting their feet up on chairs. Oh, well. Which makes me feel that it was one specific woman that they saw. Because otherwise, why wouldn't you say people?

But that's just me. Oh, man. That was upsetting. That was upsetting. That was a little weird um this one's upsetting too so late on me this one's rough um this is by ray one star i try and avoid this cinema like the plague honestly every time i come here oh god honestly every time i come here it's's like, yo, MTV raps come to life. I know, it's really bad. One time I came here, it was for a 940 show on a

Saturday night. Oh my god, he's with Janet. One time I came here, it was for a 940 show on a Saturday night, and there was not one couple, but two couples in the theater with newborn babies. Throughout the whole movie, all you could hear was crying and newborn sounds. This is the exact kind of trash this place attracts.

What do newborns have to do with your MTV raps? I don't know. Okay. I'm sorry if I come off as offensive or ignorant. Okay. But any night of the week, a newborn baby should be at home in its crib, not in a freaking movie theater. Ignorant kids that talk through the whole movie cell phones going off giggling with each other

and it's not even a comedy flick so it's a horror movie called finding nemo sorry but i'm a firm believer in wearing your pants at your waist removing the stickers from your hat and wearing it straight i would rather take the drive to patriot's place and hit the deluxe end of review then do that please yeah please god nobody wants everyone in this world nobody wants you there go to your ray go in your hole ray what an ass hat it's so unnecessary some of the things people most of the things these people know this woman named jeanette pulled out a gun and started yelling at everyone. And said, this is like the news!

Okay. I've got another one from the same place. Oh, God. Imagine that. Imagine. This poor cinema. I know. Oh, I hate calling it a cinema like that first guy that you read.

This poor movie theater. Oh. Um, yeah. Gosh. And I don't have, I don't have a, well, I forget the word for it now. Redemption. Redemption. I don't have one. I don't have i don't have a well i forget the word for it now redemption redemption i don't have one i don't either oopsies well we'll have to visit sometime so this is a review from thanks i'm busy this is a review from beeps boops help i don't like that. One star. I think it has bed bugs. End of review.

Oh, no! Oh, no! That's the first legitimate concern I've heard so far. And the theater responded, said, please contact us with the link below. Thank you. At least they're... I like how they don't respond to anything like that. Yeah, they don't deny it. They're just gonna say, hey, hey, hey, let's keep this under wraps here.

Let's do this behind closed doors. Did you see that a lot of people... Behind locked doors while you're trying to get into your theater. Underneath secret tunnels on the way to the concession stand. Oh, God. Did you see that a lot of people said there were mice? Yes, because, so specifically because there was a type of factory nearby or something. Apparently the mall is like near a river.

Oh, something like that. So there are mice in the theater. So there are mice. Which makes some sense, maybe? I don't know. Honestly, I'm not too familiar with the habits of mice. I'm just going to be honest. Oh.

Yeah. It's a little bit brave for you to put that out there. Thank you. Okay, so I have two more short ones, but I'll do... You have one more, right? I have two more. Oh so i have two more short ones but i'll do you have one more right i have two more oh you have two more okay so that's perfect um i'm gonna read one by dan but this one's actually of a different place this is a of the is my outlier one it's of the providence performing arts center which came up as it sounds good to me whatever dan m says moving pictures moving pictures that's right even if it's people

that aren't in a picture just go i'd rather sit on a crowded bus going to new york than go here again i imagine it'd be an awful situation if there were ever a fire here that's threatening sounds like jeanette gosh i assume he means like the setup is danger i don't know i hope that's but it sounds very ominous to me so i'd liked it i really that incites a panic in my in my heart it's like that one where the god what was it where that person like vaguely threatened to burn down the lows yeah it's? Yeah, it was not vague, was it? I think it was pretty explicit. But he was like, don't go to that Lowe's tomorrow

if you're one of the vendors because you're cool, but don't go. But there might be an arson. And the person was like, please contact us immediately. Yeah, seriously, that was fucked. Oh my god. This next review is of the same place.

Okay. One star review. Absolutely deplorable, filthy conditions. Movie theater room 10 in the front rows were infested with ants. Oh! It appears that someone spilled their drink because the floors were extremely sticky. This lets me know that they never clean these theaters. For all the money we are spending, a clean, sterile environment isn't much to ask for.

Sterile. How do you like your movie theaters? Sterile. Surgery. A little too much. And I think it is a little too much to ask for, that it's sterile. Okay. Wait, don't they call surgery theaters theaters?

Excuse me? Isn't the way you get surgery called a theater? I've watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy, and I still don't know that. So maybe she's confused. Yeah. Maybe she thinks she's having a procedure done. I even approached management about this issue, expecting him to offer a second chance to redeem my confidence in his establishment by offering free tickets, seeing as how our experience was poor at best. No such offer was made, and instead we received a half-hearted apology.

I did not know how to reply. Okay, no problem we paid money to be exposed to your aunts. I will never be setting foot in this theater again unless management provides me with replacement tickets to a clean theater experience. Until then, my rating will stand. End of review. Until then, I'm stuck in this sticky drink and I can't get out. Get me out of here.

What the fuck? I like this one because it's very like, hey, give me free tickets and we'll be cool. Right. And like in the Yelp review, like just give me free tickets and I'll change my rating. Free tickets? You watched a whole movie. As if they're holding this theater hostage. Yeah.

As if they care that much about their one star review. Free tickets. That's just ridiculous. I like that she's like, I'm never coming back here unless you give me free tickets. It's actually a man, by the way. Oh, me. But I would just keep picturing Jeanette, I think, is what's going on in my mind that she's like, I'm never coming back here unless you give me free tickets. It's actually a man, by the way. Oh. Yeah. But I would just keep picturing Jeanette, I think, is what's going on in my mind. It's Rogelio.

Oh, okay. I forgot to read the name. But, like, then don't sit in the front row. You shouldn't be sitting in the front row anyway. It's not a good place to watch a movie. Why are you sitting in the front row? There's ants there. Yeah.

They put the ants there specifically to keep people from sitting there. To give you a better movie experience. Because they want you to have the best experience possible. Duh. Okay. Last one. No, my last one. We've implied a lot about this theater.

I know. We're trying to help. Whoops. Okay. The theater's like, we didn't ask you to help. Please stop. This is a review by Ralph of the, I'm back back oh you went back to our theater um this is a two star review very short besides that the theater is convenient girl at the register on noon shift

should smile more no and a review how many stars was that too oh what a dickhead fuck people like that i know jesus christ i know that's not oh ralph okay for my final probably teenager i can't okay and like no matter who they are no matter what it is they saw that woman on one day. Mm-hmm. And what? What? What? He has no leg to stand on. No.

Okay. Your turn. Is this your last one? This is my last one. I went a little different. So movie theater, adult theater, adult video booths. Figure they're all kind of in the same realm. Let's go. so i have a three-star review of amazing intimate essentials oh god help us and they have uh video booths

for movie watching pleasure downstairs earmuffs teens we gotta make it explicit somehow yeah you're right we have to live up to a certain standard. Exactly. So this is a review from Lou. Three stars. Wait, you sell what here? Let's say you didn't see me. How much for the set? So I was in here dropping off some literature for the heathens and had an experience truly unique to a store of this ilk.

What is happening? I'm so sorry, I can't breathe. It's like with some, it's one of those like fanfic. Oh, God help me. Okay. It's someone who has written like 297 reviews and has 500 friends on Yelp. Oh no. Yeah. I hear a crash and scuffle from the downstairs booths, followed by yelling.

The only audible words were, Get out of here, you expletive perverts! I turned to leave myself, but realized the targets of aggression were the five or so men running up the steps and quickly to the exit, hastily composing themselves. Oh, God. The burly gentleman of vocal aggression came stomping up shortly thereafter, muttering something about perverse roaches.

Truly a classy joint. Hey, at least there's someone there cracking skulls. End of review. What the hell was that? I don't know, but one person thought it was cool. More than one person thinks is cool, if you ask me. Yeah, I know five roaches who didn't find it too useful, that reveal. They're perverse roaches.

Thank you. Yes. What the fuck was that? I don't enjoy that one bit. I thought you might not, which is why I read it for you. Specifically why I read it. Great. For your listening displeasure.

That's like the whole aesthetic of this podcast, for everyone's listening displeasure. That's like the whole aesthetic of this podcast for everyone's listening. Displeasure. Okay. Do I do my thing now? Already? I think it's time. So this is my challenge. So the challenge was to find reviews of reviews written by in the voice of a pet.

How do we say that properly? Reviews written from the perspective of someone's pet the pov if you will i will okay so uh at first i struggled with this because i didn't know what to search for um and then i quickly found out so i was trying to type like my dog wrote this review or like here let my dog explain but then you just had to write rough i did try writing woof and i tried writing and then it was people like me like oh i saw the cashier woof he needs to smile more yeah um and then i realized very quickly that all i needed to write was my human and then i found a hundred that's hilarious so of course suddenly became extremely easy that's the best oh my god i love that my human you just had to find that key

literally those two words and all of a sudden the whole world was opened up to me vis-a-vis pet reviews did it feel like aladdin when like the whole lion cave stuff it was a whole new world yep a really unpleasant one for one for all of your listening displeasure. I can't wait. So, I have a couple here. This one is for corrugated cat scratching pads. It is a five out of five star review called Get to Shredding. It is a verified purchase and I shall read you the review martin van perrin here

wait you didn't google that that would have given you so many results i did actually google some like sparky here and like some other things okay didn't work but you should have done martin van perrin listen I learned my lesson. Was Martin Van Buren a particularly, like, good or interesting president? You know, they just had to, like, think of words that rhymed with purr. And then, like, or names that rhymed with purr. But, like, I'd hope they did some research. Uh. He looks cool. Yeah. look at his sideburns

there's a google question why is martin van buren important if that's gonna happen then you probably shouldn't name a cat after them oh my god yeah what did martin van buren do for america Well, he has a long Wikipedia. He was an important anti-slavery leader. Teens, you hear that? This is your history lesson for the day. And he led the Free Soil Party ticket in the 1848 presidential election. And was born in Kinderhook, New York. Fun fact, that's where our next episode is.

Oh, God. Kinderhook, New York. That's our first live show. Wait, was this the president that was born, like the first president or only to like. In a bathtub. Not have English as his first language. Really? I think it was Dutch.

Can I just tell you though? No, I need to interrupt you. Martin Van Buren was the only American president who did not speak English as his first language. Did you just write that down in a Word document and then read it back to me? No, I edited the Wikipedia page and then wrote it to you. There's a, see this woman? Oh, I see her. In a bonnet.

Her name is Floride Calhoun. Oh my god. She's a leader of the petticoats. Of toothpaste fame? Yes. Okay, I'm sorry. We're way off track now. Can I read you about Martin Van Puren?

I give you permission. Leader of the free world. Okay. I wonder if that cat's first language was Dutch, too. It was. Actually, it wasn't, because his English is very good. Well, so is Martin's. You'll hear very shortly.

Martin Van Puren here. My human bought these scratchy things. very good if you you'll hear it was martin's you'll hear very shortly martin van pern here my human bought these scratchy things i'm never i don't think we're gonna get through these my by the way i forgot to tell you how pissed i am that you made me do this i'm uncomfortable my human bought these scratchy thingies for me so I don't scratch the furniture. Hey, I need to keep these cloths sharp. Is that it? No. Oh, no.

I go to town on these things like there's no tomorrow. Oh, God. These feel so much better than that stupid furniture. This is too far. Folks, there's so many more and they're so bad. Okay, continue. Sometimes my human even... Sometimes my human even rubs these green leaves on them and I just go wild. I hate this.

I hate this. I hate this. You have no one to blame but yourself. Sometimes my human even rubs these green leaves on them and I just go wild and scratch my heart out on these suckers. I think I heard my human call it catnip, but whatever. We got the joke, Martin. Martin's owner. I encourage all my other feline friends out there to get their humans to buy them some of these things so they can get to scratchin' too.

No! End of review. So that was horrible. I hated that. My apologies. Like, the first bit was kind of like, okay, this person's just trying to be clever here. And then it got really weird. My human rubs green leaves over it for my pleasure.

That was like the least bad one. The tamest, get it? Okay, next one. This is of lumbabones. No, lumabones. You're going to have to explain what that is to me. I don't know. I didn't really check.

Let's just pretend it's dog treats or something. Lumabones. Okay, they're like um oh blaze used to have these i wonder he puked on that so bad okay they're like these durable flavored shoe toys that look you know these guys yeah flavor to them okay uh do you have a flavor to them yes blaze described it to you it's used to have them okay let's go so these are for luma bones woof woof wasn't very convincing dog noises but i'll let it slide because I want to get this over with.

Woof, woof. I love these luma bones. My human has been wanting to find a chew treat or toy which would keep me somewhat busy while he is working on writing or photography for a client. It's so specific. Okay, that's too much. Yeah, obviously. It was kind of bad when you just do the woof woof i love these my human gives them to me so i keep busy whatever and it works but no specifically oh by the way my human does this and this is his career path he's open for clients right now if you're interested

barkingly i like to curl i don't know what that means. What does that mean? Barking, I think it's supposed to mean like additionally. I don't know. Sure. That's a stretch, huh? Yeah. Barkingly, I like to curl up near him to make sure he's doing what he's supposed to do. Barks! Woof! The lima bones taste like bacon too bacon bacon woof oh my barks we'll do what what we'll do almost anything for bacon and more bacon. I'm crying. Oh my God.

And more bacon. Delicious. Barks. Stop barking. End of review. I'm crying. End of review. Oh no.

By the way, that was only part of it i didn't read the whole thing oh thank god i do appreciate that talk more about his career his owner's career i like that he's a writer by the way yeah yeah oh god oh like i'm just gonna say like i do in some ways appreciate these because they're kind of can be done cute and funny and whatever they're just having fun and they're positive get it at what positive Jesus Christ they're positive at least they're not one star reviews or maybe there will be can you imagine if I couldn't find a one star though see that's good so these are like good people my human is an idiot for buying me these scratching posts that's what blaze wrote when i bought him that

that's bad lunabone um okay so i have two more okay this one these two are from cats but not martin van peren are you sure yes because they have other names from henrietta the cat oh that's that's a sweet name okay you can hold on to that while i read this for you okay this is of purina cat chow naturals five star review okay by henry the cat henrietta the cat, yummy for my kitty tummy. Last week, my human bought some bargain brand food and I threw a fit. I wouldn't eat it and I made a big mess, so she went out and bought me my favorite. I love Purina Cat Chow Naturals. It's easy on my stomach and I have so much energy for my daily activities,

like running back and forth through the house and watching people outside it tastes good too 10 10 would eat this every day by henrietta the cat that sounds like some weird ad either some weird ad or some weird like fanfic i think it's somebody trying to get like um an endorsement like a do product endorsement on their instagrams their pet i don't know it seems like they're trying yeah they're trying too hard that's i love purina cat chow naturals no no more the last one's the worst no it's not or maybe not i don't know. You decide. This is Purina Fancy Feast, five stars, by Dinah. Tickles my taste buds.

My humans bought these for me to try and meow! There. Scrumptious! Oh, no. I'm a tiny geriatric black kitty oh and sometimes my appetite needs a jump start these natural moist treats do the trick i love all of the flavors especially the chicken and i gobble them right out of my human's hand oh she feels good about giving them to me because they're real fisher chicken with no chemicals stretchers or additives they sure wet my appetite and i think they are chop a licking good

end of review it's just too much yes it's far too much unless like you said unless there's some like ulterior motive where they're like, okay, like, I want them to notice me and maybe they'll, like, bring my cat in for a photo shoot or something weird. We can all agree they want someone to notice them. I think that's pretty clear. Yes. That is true.

Oh, my. Well, God. Okay. So, we do have Whitney to thank for that. Whitney is the one who... Whitney, I'm not happy with you. Well, suggested something similar and thank you i guess thank you very much um my astrology app just notified me that i need to stay away from people other people's drama today and i think it's too late that's literally the

point of this we dive into people's stupid review drama it literally says have self-respect today i'm like too late i just screamed scrumptious i do like that those last ones were at least positive like meant to be positive yes even if we took them very very negatively yes i agree oh man okay well thank you uh henrietta for that last one no who was that last cat um they didn't say it said dina submitted it but it didn't say what the geriatric kitty's name was oh i call her gk i would love to see pictures of these owners and pets i don't want to see pictures of owners i just want to see pictures of the pets well i want to see that for sure but just i kind of want to picture get like a full yeah yeah because like

this is one of those things where i was like what kind of person writes this and then i realized that they're probably all different sorts of people who just love their animals right yeah that's true yeah i guess and yeah and i like that we have a new theme and challenge but first i'm going to read a review five five-star review. Thank God. From one of our listeners. This is from Rocky Lagoon. And I'm wondering if it's a reference to Rocky Raccoon. It is, for sure. Or they live by a lagoon that's rocky. It could be.

Did you know that I sang Rocky Raccoon when I did karaoke for the first time? Yes, I did know that. It's not a very good karaoke song. No one really cares about it. Rocky! I love it. It's one of my favorite songs. But then there's that da-da-da-da-da-da-da, that part.

It goes on forever. And I realized it goes on forever. I don't know every single sound, and I messed it up pretty bad, and it was very uncomfortable. I guess that's the idea of karaoke, though, huh? Oh, yeah. It was... Would you say it was very uncomfortable i guess that's the idea of karaoke though oh yeah it was would you say it was rocky

okay christine stay away from other people's drama today come on causing drama i am okay anyway this is a review from rocky lagoon titled one of my favorites i don't usually review things but I gotta tell you about this podcast it is cool, hilarious and it will make your day the Schieffer siblings are very funny I wait anxiously for Wednesday and get my dose of their dramatic readings

of reviews keep doing what you guys are doing end of review aww that's really nice thank you Rocky Lagoon that's so sweet. It is sweet. It is sweet.

We do appreciate those quite a bit. So if you want to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, go for it. If you want to outweigh the negative ones. There's only been one. And there will be more, and that's okay. So what is... Oh, wait. You tell a theme first.

So I have a theme for us. Yay! It was suggested by Chad, who wrote, oh wait. You tell a theme first. So I have a theme for us. Yay! It was suggested by Chad, who wrote in. Okay. And it immediately, just, I knew it had to be done. Mm-hmm. Crab houses in Baltimore, Maryland. Oh my.

Yes. Is that a place where you eat crabs or catch crabs? Eat. Or clean crabs? Eat them. Okay. Well, that's my understanding. Crab house. Like, if you Google crab. Okay. Well, that's my understanding.

Crabhouse. Like, if you Google crabhouse Baltimore, it's like restaurants and stuff. We used to go to one. Crabclaw. The Crabclaw in St. Michael's. St. Michael's, Maryland. Aww. That's why I said we had to do it. And I was going to mention that, but then you beat me to it.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm glad you did. I was like, that... I thought you were mad at me. That shows me that it was worth mentioning. Okay, great. some good times there huh we did except for that time that german kid showed up oh lordy what was his name again well could you imagine if he listened to this

he doesn't listen to this max max oh my god we just you know told some fucking stories you guys do you know when like your parents make you hang out with someone who's not very nice and they're like you'll be fine you'll have fun and then you're just like bullied by that person that happened to us an alarming amount which maybe says something about us probably because we um other children made us very anxious and we are not easy to hang out with let's just say that we're not absolutely not like what that's why we're doing this in a closed off room. No one else here. No underground tunnels to lead us back to the station. And there was one one-star review that we've gotten and it caused drama.

And we like cried about it. I mean, the kid was pretty nuts. He was German. That's all you need to know. We are allowed to say that, by the way. We are. German was our first languages. My stepmom was like, he's such a good little boy.

I thought so. He loves to sail. Maximilian. God, he liked to sail. Was it Maximilian? I think so. Yeah. Okay.

Good times. So, um. He told us a story of like being on a train in India that he had to jump off or something. Oh my gosh, you're right. He said he had to jump off a train. I don't know. I don't think that was real. What's wrong with children?

You don't think that was real? I don't think that was i'm not convinced let's just say that that kid he also said he used to sail boats by himself all around the harbor and we're like what are you five what are you talking about okay um okay sorry so now i'm really worked up thank you very much you're so welcome uh next week's challenge i believe was sent in by alissa and i'm gonna say that because i'm not sure if it was but i don't want to say it and then not give her credit this alissa either way you get credit or either way you get credit you get mentioned so whatever you're good so the challenge is a review of a police office was that right is that how you say like a police station yeah sorry let me just say like corporate offices sorry you i talked about germans and now i'm all thrown off with

the whole english thing you know you know me and martin van buren we're not sorry i found the i found the actual note review of a police station by someone who was arrested okay good oh i love that at first you said that i'm like oh that's easy and now i'm like thinking about i'm like oh okay i think we'll see i think it could be the problem is i think there are gonna be so many reviews to sift through but i don't know maybe not maybe not no you know what i love it i love it okay okay okay all right we'll see let me know if it's too difficult. Nope. It won't be. Okay. I'm very excited about our crap. Oh,

me too. That's making me hungry. Just thinking about it though. Um, all right guys, thank you for listening. Thanks for listening. Everyone.

Uh, check us out on YouTube for our YouTube video coming out in a couple of days. Yeah. Sorry. We're slowly bringing quickly bringing our family drama into your lives. Get used to it. All right. Bye used to it. All right. Bye, everyone.

Bye.