Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 291: Reviews of Museum Gift Shops

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

Description:  This episode is full of hits like "Midnight in Charlotte," "Manhattan is Not My Home," and "I love HAM." See us LIVE!! https://www.beachtoosandy.com/tour Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Summer items available now! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello our Sand Monsters we are so excited to announce we are going on tour this summer so you can come see us live as we read one star reviews of places in your town. Two of our shows are already sold out, Seattle and Portland thank you. We got 10 more shows after that and we're going all across the country so we can't wait to see you all. Go to Beach2Sandy.com to see where we are headed and go get your tickets. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast but I'd give it zero stars if I could. ["Ding Dong"] Ding dong, it's us back again for Beach to Sandy. Water to you at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion, I'm X-Teen. My name is Xandy and hello to all you ding-dongs.

We are here bringing you reviews of museum gift shops. We call you the Dong Glovers. That was a private thing. We weren't supposed to tell them that we called them that, but I guess now the secret's out. Isn't that like a Donald Glover joke? Well, yeah, he said that he was on a talk show and then he went by Don Glover's. Isn't that like a Donald Glover joke? Well, yeah, he said that he was on a talk show and then he went by Don Glover for years

and then one day he realized that he's basically going by Dong Lover if you put them together. Anyway, what's your challenge? Oh, did you already say the theme? I did. Oh, okay, well, why don't you say my challenge while I find my notes? Why don't I do that when I try to remember it?

It's something to do with common sense media, no? Oh my gosh, okay, it was to find reviews on common sense media where a reviewer calls out another kid reviewer in their own review. Yes, classic. Context, we had that before, right, with Jimbo the Eradicator, the special Halloween, Charlie Brown Halloween review.

And now we can reveal, because this is the last episode of the month, that the password for our secret form for patrons to submit reviews was Jimbo. Was Jimbo. For this very reason, we thought, what a good callback. so we've just come up with a password for next month's patreon Calendar which is July which we're posting today as we record this So I guess if you have enough deep knowledge of this podcast you can eventually guess each password

Yeah, yeah, you just have to like guess inside jokes that the ones that we remember none of the other ones Yeah, I'm sure we'll run out of those very quickly and start putting random shit, so it won't last long. But yeah, so we are doing, oh, what's our theme again? Reviews of museum gift shops. Museum gift shops, this was very fun. I know that I'm taking a minute, I swear, I swear I got it. Here it is. Okay. Museum Gift Shops. This was submitted by Leah. Should I go first or you? Or do we have anything else to say?

Oh, the whole... Sorry, I thought you meant that this review was by Leah. I'm like, oh, you're diving in. Oh, no. This topic was... This theme was from Leah. My mistake. Do you have an announcement? Yeah. Well, I just want wanna say we did our first two shows in Seattle and Portland and it was so fun. Like it was so fun. And Alexander hit his head on the stage.

That was a defining moment. It's a little embarrassing. Even though it was within the first five seconds of our entire tour, it's gonna be like a defining moment for the rest of the tour for me. I walk up onto this stage, and we had been on that stage before, that's what's stupid.

We were just there doing sound check. Like an hour earlier, not like years ago. An hour, oh yes. We had just done sound check, everything was fine, and then when we go on stage, we're like, we walk through the crowd, and I'm just blinded by the lights, you know, and like the cheers, the deafening roar of the crowd,

and I go up there, everything is feeling. The big tunnel, the spirit tunnel, everyone has their arms up, we're running through. And the spanking tunnel, there was one of each. No, the spanking tunnel is just Portland, that's it. So I get on stage, and normally you sit on the left, I sit on the right, when we're looking, stage left, stage right.

And so I go up there and like, oh, I gotta step aside. And I fucking bonk my head right into this sign that says, laughs comedy club or something. I didn't there and like, oh, I got to step aside and I fucking bonked my head right into the sign that says laughs comedy club or something. I didn't even know what it said because I obviously didn't see it. A swinging wooden side, he just clonks his whole head into it. It was really really- Okay, it was like cardboard.

It was very light. It was not like a wooden sign. It made a reverberating noise in that beautiful comedy club. And then I hid behind it because- I'm sure you weren't the first to hit your head on that, and you won't be the last. So anyway, it was really fun, and if you are anywhere near our upcoming shows, we have Charlotte, Atlanta,

Philly, DC, Cincinnati, Columbus. Those are not selling well, folks. Ohio, pick up the damn pace. I don't know if everyone's expecting a free ticket from us or what, but they are not buying tickets. So hurry up. Our Cincinnati show is like our worst selling show. It's so embarrassing.

I'm not embarrassed. I know those people. I know what they're like. I'm one of them. I don't go to comedy shows. No. And yeah, this episode comes out the day of our Charlotte show. So if you're listening to Charlotte, you're like, oh,

I need something to do tonight. If it's midnight in Charlotte and you just, oh, that sounds like a good song, Midnight in Charlotte. Yeah, sure. I lost my turn of thought. Okay, I have a review here. This one was sent in by Erica Sheher and it is a review of the MoMA Design Store,

which is the Museum of Modern Art. Alexander would know it's in Manhattan. His home. Even though you don't live on Manhattan. Manhattan is not my home. Okay. Nor will it ever be. That sounds like a good song too. Midnight in Charlotte, Manhattan is not my home.

This is like our new album. We're gonna have an album by the end of the episode. It's like a folk album. All right, three stars by Val. Nice shop, all objects are desirable. I let myself be seduced by a watch for $44 plus tax. Unfortunately, it doesn't work. The needle takes one step forward and another step back.

Irreparable, according to the jeweler. End of review. Irreparable according to the jeweler. End of review. I would say a watch from a museum gift shop probably isn't something a jeweler would be really all about. You know, like, not impressed by. No, bringing it to a jeweler. Yeah, this jeweler's like, this is beyond hope,

no matter what, even if it is working. Wait, maybe it's supposed to do that. This is a museum of modern art., even if it is working. Wait, maybe it's supposed to do that. This is a museum of modern art. It goes forward and then back. That feels like it's trying to tell you. They also said needle, which I feel like is not the terminology, but that just might be a terminology issue and not like it being an actual needle.

Yeah. Right? It's a hand. They also said seduced. They said a lot of things. And they also spent 40 some dollars on it. I mean, weird, like that is a price for a watch as someone who doesn't wear watches. And I bet it had some cool artwork, you know, from the MoMA.

Like I'm sure it had some special design. It was just like, I don't know, modern. I don't think it was just like a baby G, you know what I mean? Those are worth more than 40 bucks. They should be. I don't know design I don't think it was just like a baby gee you know what I mean mmm I don't think those they should have needles although I don't think any of them have needles yeah good points Andy I've walked all the way around to your point now so good welcome thanks well I'm gonna do some walking to my next review which is of the archeological park of Herculaneum. This is in a place called Italy.

It's in Naples. So here we go. Well, so technically it's kind of a museum. It's like, you know, you go to Pompeii. This is like Pompeii, but it was, it was destroyed by Vesuvius, but Herculaneum's like, it's like, you know, you go to Pompeii. This is like Pompeii, but it was it was just sort of by Vesuvius, but Herculaneum was like, yeah, yeah. I just went to the Pompeii exhibit at the Oh, yeah, we talked about that. And we talked about Leona in there. I regretted it instantly. Yeah,

she keeps like, calling me on her cell phone that she has her iPad crying about volcanoes that are gonna erupt any minute now Alexander just said that the other day he was On his phone and he got a notification like L-lampic Nally has been added to your family and he thought it was Lisa and then he realized it was Leona because I gave her my like old ass like nine-year-old iPad and made her like Was like L-lampic Nali is sharing her sharing their location with you and I'm like oh that's fun Lisa that's weird I like I mean not that weird I'd be like oh I was like okay maybe I'll

share mine back um especially now that I'm closer you know whatever and I'm like oh wait that's Leona wait a second and it's like not sharing the location at all. So I don't even know. I told him to share it with her and he wouldn't. So whatever. I did. You're right. I rejected it.

I was like, uh-uh. Because in like two years, this child will be almost five. Can you imagine if she had your location? Like you're actually right. I think that was a good call on your part. Dangerous. Anyways, please go on. Erin sent this in.

This is of the archeological park of Herculaneum. Here we go. Five stars. I love the Herculaneum. Very good ruins with nice gift shop too. There was a cat there and I love those little guys. I'm sorry for what I did to the bathroom. Have you ever heard of a cat?

Oh. Oh. I'm so sorry. Your timing could not have been worse. I was still hung up on, oh, I love these things called cats. You ever heard of them? They're so unique.

I love those little guys. I'm so sorry. And then I totally fucking botched that last part. What did you do with the bathroom? I'll start from the cat again because you loved that part so much. I sure did. Understandably.

Hey, no, that was another good part. The problem is it was back to back good parts. You're so right, Alexander. You just like loaded too much. You like front loaded this with just laughs and rites and laughs a minute, You know what I mean? I do. There was a cat there and I love those little guys.

I am sorry for what I did to the bathroom, but I'm sure they took care of it all. Happy to visit this wonderful UNESCO World Heritage Site, end of review. Yeah, they really had like a moment there where they could have made a reference to the natural disaster that occurred. Oh, Christina, come on. That's such in poor taste. Too soon.

Oh, is it? Yeah, too soon. Then why even mention the bathroom at all? You know, like, why even go there? They clearly wanted to talk about it. Like, you don't have to bring that up. Nobody says you must include your bathroom experience in your review. So I... include your bathroom experience in your review. So I. I once, my 21st birthday, I might have told the story, but I was in Budapest.

I got very, very, very, very, very, very drunk. I puked all over the bathroom, cleaned up a lot, but did not do as good of a job, left a fat fucking tip, because I felt so bad for her. I had to clean it. Where was this? Budapest? No, I mean, but what bathroom?

Oh, now I know what you're saying. I'm sorry, I didn't understand you when you just said Budapest. Yeah, no, the hotel room. Oh, the hotel, I understand. I might not have been clear about that. Anyway, so yeah, at the hotel room, not like at the place I got trashed at.

Gotcha. So I left a tip for whoever ended up having to clean it, and a note apologizing because I felt so bad. Anyway, if I were to have written a review of that hotel, I might have included that part. So my point here is that I don't really blame them for including it because I would have included that in case someone read it so I could be like,

hey, apologies again. I just feel like in a public place, like, what, I mean, I don't know. I just, I, okay. I don't think they have to, but I'm like, hey, they also didn't have to say that they love those little guys, AKA cats. That's true, that part you're right was not a given. I needed to know their thoughts on the cat.

Some might argue none of the reviews we've ever read on this podcast need to be made at all. You know what, okay, now you're just getting a little, a little too sassy with me. Like you're using my own arguments almost against me is what it feels like. So. I would never.

I know you wouldn't. That's so unlike you. Yeah, you. This is also from Erica. It's a review of the Idaho Potato Museum. Of course it is. Yeah, when we talked about like small, remember that review,

there that episode we did on like small, was it small town museums? Or like obscure. It was like weird museums. Oh, obscure episode we did on small, was it small town museums? Or like obscure? It was like weird museums, oh obscure, that's what it was, obscure museums. Because I remember my favorite one I think was the umbrella cover museum.

Oh, I forgot about that. Like not the umbrella, but the umbrella cover museum. So anyway, there were just so many submissions too that were completely out of left field like this one. This is, like I said, the Idaho Potato Museum. And I have a review here. This is from, let's see, this is made by Felicia, and it is one star.

4.30 p.m. Drove all the way from Yellowstone after months of rave reviews from our coworkers, friends, and guests. My friend was- Months? Why are they talking about this for months? Like, I'm not saying it's not worthy of that.

I don't know, but who- Well, do you know why it's weird too? Because it's like, months is so specific. Like, it's not like years. Like, oh, for years we've heard about this. Yeah. Months feels like something happened a few months ago that kind of triggered this conversation.

They got really into potatoes, so now everyone's like, oh, well, you got it, go to this potato museum. Have you heard the big news, the good news, the good word? Yeah, I either wonder that or if... No, that makes more sense. 4.30 PM. Drove in from Yellowstone after months of rave reviews from our coworkers, friends, and guests. My friend was so excited for these potatoes.

And then, disaster struck. Vesuvius erupted. No, I'm kidding. Wrong place. Closed. Half an hour early. Vesuvius erupted. No, I'm kidding. Wrong place. Closed half an hour early. My friend was devastated. We asked at the gift shop next door and learned that our worst fears had come to life. Sorry, I started thinking come to life. That doesn't really track.

What? Sorry. I started thinking come to life, that doesn't really track. What? Sorry, I don't know. My brain, my words today are in a lag. That pause made me think, I'm like, is this done? I don't know what just happened. I felt like everything froze. Usually my brain can multitask a little bit or at least pretend to.

Today it feels like the lag on the screen on our video is equaling the lag in my brain. And I just thought like, wait, come to life. I wouldn't say that about a potato museum. I don't know about fears coming to life. That seems like, it seems misleading. Okay. Wait, what part of it is that these fears are alive?

Yeah, like maybe a giant potato came to life. Okay, nevermind. We asked at the gift shop next door and learned that our worst fears had come to life. The potato station cafe was closed early. They would also not be open the next day as it was Sunday and they don't serve potatoes on the Lord's Day. My friend began to cry.

We are devastated by the lack of potatoes to be had in Blackfoot, Idaho on a Saturday at 4.30 p.m. end of review. And there's photos of them standing outside the closed museum. So many reviews I read were complaining about how things were closed. This might be the first time that I'm thinking, how the fuck is the potato cafe closed at the potato museum? How

are there no potatoes to consume in Idaho at the potato museum? On a Saturday at 430? It's not like middle of- I'm going to cry with them. I know. I'm pretty devastated as well. I think maybe I just got a little too emotionally invested. That's why I kept stopping. I just was like, how could this be? Yeah, you kept sputtering.

I kept, is that a joke? Yeah, like stuttering but sputtering. That was so good that I was like, there's no way he just came up with that. That had to have been like a mistake. That was really good. Oh, okay. I'm sorry, that was really rude,

but I was just like, did you hear what you just did? That's amazing. Yeah, I've never used the word sputtering. I don't, it doesn't really. I know, it just is so. I knew what I did. That was really good, Sammy. It was very intentional.

Thank you. I'm wondering now if maybe the Idaho Potato Museum maybe opened that year. Maybe that's why there were only months of talk. Oh, to sound honestly. When was this written? Two years ago. So you're saying that the Idaho Potato Museum never

existed until 2022. They were like, hey, wait a minute. And it's not, I'm not saying that because I think that it's like, oh, someone should have had this idea ages ago. My thinking is why now? Like if this hasn't been a thing yet, come on. Like why did we need one in 2022? I don't know.

I mean, accident, we're looking for joy everywhere we can, okay? Okay. You got me there. Also, can I just please let you know that on their website, it says, inspired by your love of potatoes to pen an ode to the royal spud, see what others have to say about everybody's favorite tuber in the potato poetry corner. That's kind of fun. I know.

I'm not gonna go looking for joy in there, no offense. I hope other people do, but I'm good. I don't need poems about potato homes. I don't need any potato homes. I think they'll be good, but. I bet. I just don't like potatoes that much. Oh, that's right.

We do know that about you. We do know that about you. That's true. I like fries. I like potatoes in a lot of forms. So I do like potatoes and I respect potatoes and I appreciate them. But when it comes to just the potato itself

and consuming them, like baked potatoes, ew. But I'll eat mashed potatoes. That's very diplomatic of you, I do appreciate that. Yeah, I fear for the potato lovers. I fear that, I'm afraid of the potato lovers. My biggest fear is that royal spud's gonna come and get me. Yeah, and it's not an invalid fear. He always wants me to reassure him and I'm like, I know I can't because like we know we all

know how valid that fear is. I don't want to like, you know, let your guard down. Thank you. You're welcome. That's what you're doing. Got it. Okay, my next one is a review of City Museum in St. Louis. Well, we have not, I think we've talked about this on the show maybe in our episode of our tour episode from last year where we did episodes from our tour. Because I read one when we were in St. Louis. And this place is fucking weird and wild.

And so I want to explain what it is. It is a museum. But basically this museum is full of everything. So it'll have slides and things to climb for kids. But it'll also actually have museum-esque things. They call it- And it's not a children's museum? Not strictly. I don't think, but a lot of the things are geared towards children,

so maybe, but there's a review. The 10 story spiral slide should be on everyone's bucket list. So there's a 10 story spiral slide. Whoa. And so yeah, maybe his kind of kitty, I don't know. But they have slides, caves, climbers, a bus, a praying mantis.

It's in an old shoe warehouse. They have outdoor playgroundy things as well. What if it was in an old men's warehouse? This is like mannequins in suits. Oh, that's also a horror. Yeah, wait, I hate it. Oh, that's also a horror museum. Okay, you know now that I'm watching their weird little like video, there's a kid in every single one. So maybe it is considered a kid museum. I didn't think so.

But, uh, I don't know. Yeah, because you were so excited about the fucking praying mantis. I feel like I've read so many. I'm like, that's for adults. It's not for kids. It's for me. Kids get away from my praying mantis. Anyway, here's a review. If you are expecting an organized learning environment for kids, this is not it. This isn't the kind of museum that has different learning stations. Everything just randomly turns into something else. You go from a winding metal structure for kids to climb on, to a wall of

antiques with no explanation. The one real station I saw amidst the chaos was a toddler area where some big kids had taken over and there were no workers to be seen. We were there for several hours and I only ever saw one worker. There's no one there to help parents find their kids when their kids go down a slide, when the sign says it ends on one floor but actually ends on another. There were also several things that stood out as red flags to us as being safety concerns or not up to code.

Maybe it's not always as busy as it was the day that we went, but it was stressful as the parents trying to keep up with kids that go up a set of stairs that go behind a wall and it takes you five minutes to find where it comes out. My aunt and I joked that the t-shirts in the gift shop should say, I survived the city museum with all my kids. End of review. Oh my God, minus only one kid, that would be cool. I, yeah, wow.

I mean, a 10 story slide, is that what happened? A 10 story spiral slide. I swear when I read reviews of this place before, and I've gone through multiple of them, so many are like, this place is not for kids, even though they tell you that, whatever. And then I read other reviews and it's like, this place is only for kids.

This place is wild. I get the vibe that you and I would not have fared well at a place like this. I don't know that you and I would not have fared well at a place like this. I don't know, maybe you would have, but I feel like I would be so overwhelmed. My favorite part of the Cincinnati Museum Center was the kids area where you go through the jungle,

through there a tree house type thing, and there's a fake spider web you can crawl on, things you get stuck and get lost. You climb up in the ceilings. Yeah, I love that shit I love that. Yeah, so I feel like I want to go here as an adult Yeah, maybe when we go to st. Louis, what a fun fun segway It would be a segue if I actually knew where we were when we were performing, but yeah, I wouldn't know

there's no unfortunately, there's no way to find out. But I do wonder also if, well, they said that the older kids took over and no workers were to be seen. And I was like, this sounds like Lord of the Flies has happened at this place. It's actually, that book is based off of an experience. Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware. That does totally, absolutely track.

Is that why in Lord of the Flies they have that giant spiral slide? Like down in the middle? Oh, it's a water slide in that book though. That's what they changed. It is a water slide and that's like one thing that the author was- Artistic license.

Yeah, and I remember there was a lot of drama when it came out because people would go to the City Museum and look for that water slide. That's so true. And it wasn't water slide. So I actually had to skip like hundreds of reviews I mentioned. Oh, just complaints about that.

I remember when that came out too in 1954. We were both pretty young at the time, but it was a lot of drama. At that point, we were only experiencing what the Cincinnati Museum Center had. Yeah. Also didn't have water slides. No water slides to be seen anywhere. Okay so this is from Erin, she, her, and it's a review of the Zach Bagans haunted museum in Las Vegas. One of those places that I both never want to go back to but also

weirdly really want to go back to. It's constant conflict in my head because you were there right for that Bachelorette trip. I mean I know you were there for the trip but you went to the museum right. I know some people peeled off early. Oh no I did not miss that. Unfortunately you did not get the memo to peel off early. It was kind of horrifying. I don't know. The gift shop is wild. They sell of course like a bunch of Zach Bagan signed things. And yesterday, Em was cleaning some stuff

out of our apartment in LA, the podcast apartment, and mailed me my giant. Demon house? Is that the signed demon house poster? I remember that. Which, by the way, once the nail, while I was there alone, flung off the wall across the room and the thing fell on the ground.

It scared me so bad. I was like, I'm just and the thing fell on the ground. It scared me so bad. I was like, I'm just gonna rest this there on the floor. I'm not gonna mess with it. So I can- You didn't burn it? I didn't want to set a fire in Los Angeles. I've heard that you're not supposed to do that. I don't know if that's true.

It's just the rumor I heard. Okay, here's a three star review. This is by Karen. I heard. Okay, here's a three star review. This is by Karen. I loved the tour, but ask for a receipt if you go to the gift shop. I did not and I got shorted, but you can't argue in a place with demon items, right? I let that shit go.

I wanna get home demon free. Plus, with a name like Karen, I am already a demon vessel end of review Like like a self-aware dig Self-aware But one thing I've learned a lot is that I need to acknowledge my demons So I'm glad to hear that Karen's doing the same things. I have to I have to allow my demons recognize that they're there and really just acknowledge them

so that we can work through our issues together. Me and my demons. Didn't mean that, but. Let them change your eye color to red. Yeah. That, yes, that's a fun party trick. I don't go to any parties, so I have not been able to do such a trick, but one day.

We just do it on Riverside back and forth. Yeah. Oh, okay That's amazing Okay My next one is of the Tank Museum in Wareham England, oh Okay Here is a two-star review Don't buy from the shop.

Really enjoyed the museum and the display. It was a bonus that the cafe served really nice food, all in all a good day out, until we went into the gift shop, whereupon I bought several gifts for my grandchildren for Christmas. I came to wrap them up yesterday and one won't work at all. I emailed them only to be told because I had bought it in September. I should have returned it then. I only opened it yesterday to put batteries in, then wrap it up. I am disgusted by the attitude of the shop and would not recommend you buying a bloody thing from them. Or if you do, open the boxes and check

over everything. They will soon do something if all their boxes are opened. As it is run by a charity, I suggest they are not very charitable at all." End of review. Okay, well. That's so rude. Yeah, that's very rude. That's not charity. Charity doesn't do charity to you. That's not how charity works. For you, I don't understand how charity works. This charity shows people tanks from war. That's what they need to feel better. I read this review before I looked up, like I knew going into this episode what it was up, but I was just like finding ones through Googling different phrases. And so I read this review before reading what, or I read the Tank Museum

and assumed that was just like a name. And then it's like, it's for tanks. I went and clicked on Tank Museum and it's just pictures of all these tanks. Why is this a charity, first of all? Is this like to let people with PTSD relive their experience? Like, you know, like immersion therapy?

Like, I don't understand. I mean, I assume it's just a history museum. But still, that's a very strange. Don't get me wrong, I find history very important. But yeah, they do have like- It has great reviews, this place. Yeah, no, it seems like a pretty chill place to go. They like do conservation of tanks.

And then they have festivals where people go and they drive the tanks around. Not the guests, I don't think. Maybe that's what they bought at the gift store. And they tried to turn it on and they were like, this tank isn't going anywhere. I don't know, Alexander. I do feel that maybe they really need to understand that the charity

doesn't mean for you. Yeah, you know, maybe they need to learn to think too. In fact, it probably means less than that, or it means they're less likely because they're not privately funded, you know what I mean? Or I mean, I don't know. I just think they have bigger problems than your broken toy.

I'm sorry. I, yeah, I guess it's also kind of annoying, but like they have, like there's, isn't there always like a refund policy, like a specific, you know, like what place would just- Yeah, it's not unusual that you would open it monthly and not be able to return it. Yeah, that feels very normal.

So then to call them out for not doing that so rudely, I'm like, I just thought it was kind of funny. And then I thought it was hilarious that this whole, this is a fucking museum for tanks. I was just blown away when I look at this fucking, these pictures and I'm like, oh it's just tanks, tanks, tanks. What a freaking scary museum. Yeah, it's a, it is scary. I just looked at it Not as scary as these act big in the museum, but almost almost yeah, but that one has literal jump scares Okay, fair. So maybe this one does it too It's literally like there's one picture It's a warehouse and these tanks are crammed in so much like I assume this is not a public area of the museum.

It's literally just side by side tanks. Like a warehouse of them. Which, honestly, kind of fucking cool that all these tanks are some of them look very old. Think of the history. And the fact they just have all these things. Think of the ghosts. Oh, gosh.

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I'm like, I shouldn't be using these. That's what it feels like you're getting some sort of like deal that you shouldn't be allowed to get. Like that's how it feels because Quinn's items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And they will list sometimes the actual like well-known brands and how much they cost, and then the comparable Quince price. It's really incredible, but they only work with factories

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to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Okay, this is from Melissa Sheher and it's speaking of, you know, war. Okay, this is from Melissa Sheher and it's speaking of You know war this is the Hill Aerospace Museum in Utah. Wait, that's not war Hang on. Is it? Yes, it is. Okay It's about work again. This is a two-star review By Johnny a local guide in the area Here's what he has to say a lot of air and a complete lack of space. Despite being called an aerospace museum, this museum features a complete lack of spacefaring craft and has a lot of army memorials instead. Not

to say that this was uninteresting, just out of place. That said, there are a lot of cool older aircraft used in previous wars and military craft, and stealth ships, and bombs, and bomber ships. Also the gift shop had sweaters advocating for concealed carry, and books for military wives, and a bunch of kids' toys one would find in a generic dollar store. Avoid if possible. Come here if you like seeing machines of war and war monuments and the history of aircraft in our nation's war. Skip if you were hoping to get a glimpse of any semblance of spacecraft whatsoever.

The bathrooms are immaculately clean and there are constantly planes flying overhead. I would give this place a five out of five if they renamed it to Hill Aviation and Military Museum or the Ham Museum. LOL emoji, end of review. I kinda like that actually. Yeah, it's like fine. I'll relent if you do this one thing for me.

I'll give you a five. I am a little I am a little confused as well, because when you first said aerospace and then you paused and you said military and then you were like not. I'm like, no, that's not that doesn't sound like I wasn't going to correct you. Obviously. Right. Am I crazy? In my mind, when I think aerospace, think space like as aerospace is one word hill aerospace Museum I think of which also spells ham right? Oh is that what they were saying? Yeah, cuz they said aviation Museum like anyway, sorry ham. I like ham

You do like him That's weird Anyway, I like ham that's song number three on our album That's weird. Anyway. That's the name of a museum. Anyway. I like ham. That's song number three on our album. Midnight in Charlotte. I don't even remember the second one. Midnight in Charlotte, Manhattan is not my home, and I like ham.

Anyway. No, when I think aerospace, I think space, not air. I think Aerosmith first, then I think of space. Okay, so like Armageddon. No, I don't know what that is. Okay, it's a movie featuring an Aerosmith song. No, my brain doesn't go that far. Anyway, so I was very confused by that as well.

And I agree with them that that should be renamed. I'm glad, because I also agree, because they commented back and said, no, we're just about war airplanes. That's so strange to me. So I thought, well, that's odd. I don't know. Maybe I just don't. I don't know.

It seems misleading. But yeah, what is with all these war? I guess. I mean, what else are they going to do with all these old? Something like, you've got to capitalize on these planes and make some money off of them. All these old rickety piece of hunk of metal. I did love how there are constant planes flying overhead.

It's like, but why? That seems scary. Why is it just constantly have air traffic above it? Like, don't get me wrong. I understand the name of the museum but if these old fucking planes are flying above me at all times I don't trust that. That sounds scary. Yeah I wonder if there's maybe there's like an air like a place nearby you know what I mean? Like a base or something. An airfield. Airfield. That's the field of where planes go. Yeah that could be. That could be. Anyway, could be not. Here is a review of the American Visionary Art Museum.

This is in Baltimore. Visionary Art Museum? Yeah, only the most visionary of art can be in here is what it says. Wow. No, it specializes in the presentation, presentation, preservation and display of outsider art, also known as intuitive art, raw art. What?

Which. I get more confused with every new adjective. I'm sorry. Outsider art is art made by self-taught individuals who are untrained and untutored in the traditional art. So basically it's not like classic art. Self-taught, like, okay, all right. And it's not like what you'd necessarily expect

from an art museum. It's not like classic fine art, traditional fine art. Gotcha. Anyway, so here. I'm expecting to see all our fan art in that museum, the people's fans. Exactly, yeah. Exactly. Not to say that everyone's self-taught, you know,

but just like unique and like raw and it belongs in a museum and belongs in a museum for visionaries. That's right. Yeah, here's a one star review. Adults only. We were lured in by the fun colorful sculptures and a $20 Groupon. My partner and I are both professional artists. So it seemed like a fun place for a family outing with our five-year-old daughter. We were wrong.

From the moment we exited the spiral staircase on the top floor, we had a young man on the museum staff on us like we were there to shoplift artwork. There was no ability to even see the exhibits with him following us from room to room. The art is colorful and kitschy, which is appealing to kids. But the staff are obnoxious. We were looking at the Pez dispenser collection, which is safely stored

in a glass cabinet. But our personal bodyguard felt we were looking too closely and. I'm sorry to clarify. It's the Pez's bodyguard, not your bodyguard. He's there to protect the Pez from you. Not you. Don't get it. Not you from the Pez. Right. Unless there to protect the pez. They're protecting the pez from you, not the other. Not you, don't get it twisted. Not you from the pez. Right? Like, come on. Unless there's something we're missing, you know? Unless, but I doubt it. Maybe there is something sinister happening with these pez.

Well, I don't doubt that at all, but I do feel that, I don't doubt that. I think there's something sinister happening with most pez. I could have used a personal bodyguard at Zak Bagan's haunted museum. That's for sure. Certainly, I as well. We were looking at the Pez Dispenser collection, which is safely stored in a glass cabinet, but our personal bodyguard felt we were looking too closely and leaned into my partner's ear to say, "'Don't touch.'" You're too close as he's like this close.

You're way too close to he's like this close How does it feel this is how the pez feels right now you're way too close to this fucking pez and I'm their bodyguard Seriously we'd had enough harassment in the first 10 minutes The only spot the staff weren't flagrantly harassing us was the gift shop There the staff was playful and helpful with getting more money from us. End of review. Ha ha! Dude, I hate that.

I hate when they follow you around the museum. And it makes it so- I do too. Cause I'm like, am I doing something wrong? Am I, like I get so hyper aware of my own movements and actions and then I can't enjoy all the miraculous art. And war machines and pez dispensers and nudity and fan art and whatever else is on the walls.

I just can't even take a minute. What do you mean nudity and fan art as if those aren't the same? As if our listeners don't send nude drawings of me. Yeah, well, just tasteful nudes. Look, if I'm someone's muse and my naked body is their muse, who am I to reject it? It's hard.

I'll reject it. I'll reject it on your behalf. Anyway, yeah, and I'd understand if they were actually too close and they were like scolded, but they literally were told not to touch, even though they weren't touching. That really annoys to touch even though they weren't touching. Like they- That really annoys me. I assume they weren't touching. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But it does- that stuff does get to me because I don't know.

It's like I'm not a villain. Like I'm not a criminal. And if I am, it's none of your business. Okay. So I have a redemption here. How many do you have left? Also we're probably as white people we're not used to that. So we're like, this sucks. No, that is so true. That's the big thing. You know what? That is such a good point. It's like, oh, I'm being profiled right now. That never happens. I hate it. Wow. Yeah, that's such a good point. Oh my god. This is from Jess. Wait, how many do you have left?

I have no idea. I think I've one. I think I've done four. Okay, okay. I have a redemption here. This is from Jess, she, her, and it's a Fort William Henry Museum in Lake George, New York. This is a four-star review. It was all right.

I would suggest going on a guided tour. I didn't learn much on my own about the history. I don't feel $17 to $18 each adult is worth this place. Yes, it's cool and yes, it's a big place, but not worth spending that much money on a restored fort with two adults dressed up as soldiers. We used AAA discount as well. We went through the gift shop first. I don't get how these places can charge $27 for a small stuffed animal.

That's crazy Instead we bought a knife for $4 Once was enough for us glad to have at least something to do in a town where everything is shut down in the offseason end of review I Would feel safer buying a $27 knife You know, I mean? Like why is this stepping up to 27 and the knife is four?

Like that feels- Is this like a butter knife? Like what is happening here? Why is there a knife A? But I guess we're not getting to the bottom of that. Who are these two people dressed as soldiers selling you said knife? Oh my God, that must have been a ghost.

That was probably a ghost. It might have been. There's no way that's not a ghost. They like traveled in time. So this knife was only $4 back in the well. Oh my God, it was a knife. Oh my God, it been a ghost. That was probably a ghost. It might have been. There's no way that's not a ghost. They like traveled in time. So this knife was only $4 back in. Oh my god, it was a knife. Oh my god, it was a time. What's that a knife glitch?

It was a time, a time, a glitch in the Matrix. Time warp? A time shift. What do you call that? What is wrong with me? I have no idea. A time slip, that's what it's called. Oh.

They slipped into the wrong dimension. And now all of a sudden knives, you're right. Like without inflation. But stuffed animals, those were hard to come by. Oh yeah, well those were made of real human hair. Yeah, so that's why it was $27 back in 1908. Yeah, which I think around today is probably like $13,000. But that's usually what people would spend

on like an heirloom product, you know. Back in the day, when things were quality. Imagine what that's worth in today's money. Oh my god all that human hair. That human hair. Yeah. Yeah. You know that Robert the doll actually does have human hair. No, I actually did not know that. You do now? I really didn't. Ha ha ha. You know, I might have known it at some point and I knew it. I'm very hopeful that I can unknow this honestly that proves that proves to be like a good sign for you Like you saying you can't unknow it. I'm like watch me watch me. I've done it before I'll do it again

Ask me ask me what kind of hair Robert the doll has in like a year and I'll be like, I don't know stupid hair ugly hair I mean beautiful hair. Sorry, beautiful hair. You can't seriously get hurt by that guy. Beautiful hair, beautiful hair. Robert did it. I love you, Robert. Okay, bye, Robert. Here's my last one.

This is a one-star review of the Salem Witch Museum. Oh! This is in Glendale, Arizona. Oh. I'm just kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. This is in Salem, Massachusetts. What? Oh my God, I've been to Salem once. I've kidding. I'm kidding. This is in Salem, Massachusetts. Oh my God.

I've been to Salem once. I've not been to this museum, though. They were closed. Well, you might have lucked out according to this reviewer. I'm one star. Would give this museum negative stars if I could. My history loving son saw this museum negative stars if I could. My history-loving son saw this museum listed in a flyer he picked up and wanted to go.

I wished I had taken the time to read TripAdvisor reviews before we spontaneously spent $80 on tickets. Once we got there, TripAdvisor was inaccessible. Almost like the museum had somehow blocked the website. Oh, come on! That feels like witchcraft and sorcery. That's the website. Oh, come on. That feels like witchcraft and sorcery. That's the thing. It's just witchcraft.

Can't be helped. Not sure how they could have done that. I think we know how, actually. Yeah. But I could not get on when I was on site. Why do you need to get on TripAdvisor? To check reviews and be like, what am I walking into? Why are you there?

To like bitch about it while you're inside? That just seems like unnecessary. You're already paid. Yeah, unless they have like a discount, if you like review, I don't know why you need to be on there. You got all the info right in front of you. That'd be hilarious though, they're like, go on TripAdvisor to leave a review

and then you can't, because they've blocked the website and they're like, no discount, sorry. What? Yeah, what? Just post it. Full price. The building looks historic and inviting, and the name suggests it is a museum that one walks around and looks at exhibits.

Instead, you are ushered into a large room and seated, while a narrator, think the narrator from the film strips you watched in fifth grade, talks about the history of the Salem Witch Trial, and spotlights are shown on various dusty scenes around the room. After this, the group is divided and half the people go to another exhibit, while the other half spend 10-12 minutes standing in the gift shop. Then the group switch. We were in the gift shop group and were beyond offended by the merchandise. The museum states that its duty is to tell the story of the Salem Witch Trial for the sake of the victims.

Yet the store is filled with cheesy witch products, hats that say Broom Squad, stuffed animal witches, Harry Potter merch, totally unbelievable. Anyway, we walked out after the gift shop and didn't see the other exhibit. Stuffed animal witches, Harry Potter merch? Totally unbelievable. Anyway, we walked out after the gift shop and didn't see the other exhibit. Based on other reviews I am seeing now, we didn't lose much other than our $80. At that point, I would have paid $80

to get the heck out of there. End of review. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, the reason we didn't go, it was closed during the time that we wanted to go anyway, but Em was basically saying like, you know, it's just, they have these kind of like animatronics and it's kind of the same spiel every time

and it's not anything like that groundbreaking. So I feel like- That's what I read, it was like paper mache, people call them like paper mache models of like, characters that they were- Yeah, yeah, like life size, like characters and you're like in the courtroom, I guess. Like a really old narration. Someone was like, it's like, they were like,

it made me uncut. They couldn't put their finger on it at the scene, but they said the narration, you could just tell it was really old. And like you could just tell like something about it was just really off. He's like two years ago during the Salem witch trials. 16. Wow, Elzener, that's something. I would say have they ever been to any other store in Salem? Because wow, does it get a lot more out of control than that, than Broom Squad.

I will say, I think that in this case, well, I will say if there are 12 reviews, this is the only one-star review they've ever left. But, because I was gonna see if they had any other Salem reviews. Oh, yeah. But they their point of mentioning that this place prides itself on telling the story and like being, you know, if you pride yourself a certain way and then the gift shop, it feels the vibe doesn't fit what you're trying to say, like how you're trying to go about things.

And I could get that. I do get that a little bit more. Yeah, I've never been to Salem, but I believe that. I went for the first time this year. It was so cool. I think you would love it. It's also just such a beautiful old city. OK, so actually, you know what's so annoying?

I changed out of my shirt. I was wearing a shirt that said Salem, Massachusetts. It's the Ouija Board Museum. I had a t-shirt from there. Oh, that's there? That's fun. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Okay, this is from Brie, she, her,

and this is a redemption. Oh no, sorry, I have one more before that. This is also from Jess. Brie somewhere is like, wait! Brie, you're just coming, I promise. This is from Jess. It's also of, oh no, it's from, it's of Mass Mocha, which is the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art.

Mass Mocha. Interesting, okay. Not to be confused with a Grande Mocha. I was gonna say. Which is a totally different thing. I thought, what does, I assumed it was spelled with an H. Just what I drank today. Oh.

Oh, actually I drank a peanut butter Heidi something. It's called something very. The fuck is that? It was Heidi. It had like peanut butter and mocha in it. That was so good. Oh, okay, I'm in. It was really fucking. Heidi, I'm in.

It was really fucking good. Okay, this is a review by Samantha. It's called Amazing Staff is a Redemption. This is a premier art gallery, but it is the staff that rises the experience to the highest level. Thank you, engaging conversation about your experience. Your enthusiasm added to ours.

Thank you for the stories shared during our coffee break. Your smiles made me feel more at home. Thank you for helping us with our reservation for Anderson and Terrell. Our participation created long lasting impact. Thank you for offering such good food at such good prices. It allowed me to buy the extras at the gift shop. Finally, thank you to the brave woman who jumped into the ice hole. End of review. Huh? Jess was like, wait, what ice hole? What's going on? Way too many words to end with that because I was trying to keep up and there was so much. I felt like they were saying so much without saying much of anything like it seemed very nice I just and then suddenly what you can't just this is mass mocha this is

oh I found it it's a cold hole the fuck why would anyone do this like a poll like the polar polar polar plunge you guys why are you thankful for this? It's a square hole, because she didn't have to do it, probably. Oh. Um, it's a called, a cold hole- Oh my god, there's a video. A cold hole, participants jump into icy water while visitors in an adjacent gallery

watch through a cinemascopic aperture. What? aperture. What? Hey, whenever I'm looking at a cinemasonic tronic aperture, that's what I want to look at. Someone jumping into a cold icy hole. Oh my lord. Is it like water? It's water? They jump? Do they get wet? Can I just read this paragraph to you? Cold water plunges on holy days as viral stunts or as solitary strategies for personal reset have a long history of notable participants. Apache leader

Geronimo employed cold water immersion to prepare boys for manhood and battle. Russian President Vladimir Putin observed the tradition of reenacting Christ's baptism by plunging into cold water on Epiphany instead of watching President Donald Trump's inauguration. What? I feel like I know less after that paragraph. Is that weird? No, no, no. I think it's probably a communal thought and feeling. Okay.

Yikes. Yeah, you're in an immediate fight and flight response. This is in, I think, Newton Mass, or what, let me see. North Adams Mass, yeah, so it's outside of Boston, I believe, I'm not totally sure. Yeah, this is- Keep me away from this hole, I don't wanna be interested in this hole.

This hole is upsetting. I don't even wanna watch a person go into the hole. Like, I would rather just not look at it at all. Is it inside? Yeah, I think it's inside, I don't even want to watch a person go into the hole. Like I would rather just not look at it at all. Is it inside? Yeah, I think it's inside. And then, I think? They just have an icy hole inside their museum? Yes.

This is never gonna make sense to me. I could be sitting, I could be jumping into the hole and I still won't understand what's happening. You'd still be like, why? What is going on? Through the bubbles. It just seems so, I just don't want to participate. I'm just cold looking at it, and it's 96 degrees out today.

We're acting like someone's forcing us to go there. I know, why am I so mad about this damn hole? I can't get over it though, I'm never gonna get over it. Anyway, yeah, interactive it says, yeah, indeed. Wow, thanks. It's like one of the most interactive museum things i've ever heard of a giant that's the only like for sure about this a square icy cold hole that you jump into that is pretty darn interactive it's a square that's what makes it modern christiana a contemporary

sorry that's what makes it a contemporary. Oh my God. I get it now. What if you were like a round person though, and then you didn't fit into the square hole? Then you got stuck. I don't want to think about that. That sounds terrible.

Then just half your body is just ice cold. Oh my gosh. It's like then the top half of you, actually if you dive in head first, then your legs are like the popsicle sticks, you know? You get stuck and then your legs are those popsicles with those two sticks in them. Those are the sticks and then the rest of your body

is the popsicle that freezes. Yeah, but then you can't breathe. Yeah, I mean you gotta freeze and die in order to become the popsicle. That would be hard. This is just in the popsicle world, I don't know to freeze and die in order to become the popsicle. That would be hard. This is just in the popsicle world. I don't know that I'm making up. Look, hey, don't come after me. I didn't make this square hole that doesn't fit everybody. I don't know.

I didn't make this scenario. Just, ugh. God, your nipples would be so cold though if you got halfway stuck in there. You'd be like, oh no. I feel like my nipples wouldn't be like, like I feel like when nipples are cold, like if you're fully submerged, your whole, everything's cold. I know, but then you're just, I know. But then, I don't know.

It just made, I don't know. This is from Bree. Just the nipples? Yeah, just the nipples. What if popsicles had little nipples? Gross. I bet they do, some of them. Ew, which one? It's like the SpongeBob one.

For like traction, you know. For traction, for your tongue? Little gumball nipples, okay. This is, this is from Bree. You have not explained the traction. No, I mean like for like some texture is what I mean. Oh, classic.

You know rice pudding, like how it has rice in it? You know I did know that about rice pudding. Thank you. Okay. I don't think rice pudding has rice just for the texture. I think it does. I think rice pudding wouldn't be rice pudding if it didn't have rice in it. Yeah then it would just be pudding. Exactly so but it's not like... You get it. I see what you're saying. This is from Bree Sheher. It's of the Hershey Story Museum. This is in Hershey, Pennsylvania, and it is a five-star review

By Marlene I Don't know why Hershey's story is not in Hollywood or Netflix they need to make a movie with Tom Hanks So much history that I didn't know existed a lot of interesting information Great gift shop as well end of review Someone's eaten up the Hershey's propaganda They're like Tom Hanks should cover this one He did sully anything about our time for mr. Hershey. Wasn't he like Walt Disney as well? Was he didn't yeah, wasn't he that's not me movie that sounds right. I feel like he would be, but I don't know.

Yeah, it's just more like the Disney propaganda movie. Now there's going to be a Hershey's propaganda movie. OK, all right. What movie isn't propaganda? I'm not trying to make a big statement here. It seems like. It is what it is. It seems like you're not going anywhere, like, really

that groundbreaking with this. Look, I would watch it. Actually, probably not. Saving Mr. Banks is the movie. Oh, that was about Disney? I didn't see that. Propaganda clearly worked on you, not me. I had no idea.

I love propaganda. Don't get me wrong. Oh, you're in support of propaganda. Wait, speaking of which, so the MLB All-Star Game, once a year literally about to talk about Vladimir Putin jumping into the ice hole as propaganda, but I like this one better. No, definitely not talking about that. So the MLB All-Star

game, everyone if you don't know, each year Major League Baseball, best players get voted on and then, best players get to play in this game. It's, it's fun. Anyway, whatever. They're doing voting for it right now. So fan voting, but when they talk about it, they're like, all star game voting is open now brought to you by build submarines.com. What? It's literally sponsored. The All-Star Game Voting is sponsored by buildsubmarines.com. Oh my gosh, wait a minute.

How much do they spend on that? Because I feel like we can maybe put aside some money to do some sort of funding next year. Look, if they're building submarines, I think that they have a little too much, a little bit more money, maybe like 10 more zeros. I mean, I genuinely thought it meant like build like model submarines, but I see they're like real time.

No, it's like a Navy. I think it's part of the Navy. I see, because they definitely have a career path in welding. So I imagine that that's more, that's a little different than what I was picturing. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Well good for them for getting in the advertising game, I guess for them good for them. Yeah. So anyway speaking propaganda That does feel like another one of these fucking museums though, like the Tank Museum and probably still calls itself a charity the Tank Museum. And probably still calls itself a charity.

Oh yeah, sure, sure, sure. Probably on their taxes, you know. I wonder if they have a gift job. This is like the charitable portion of the United States Navy. Buildsnubmarines.com. Oh, that's nice. Then they donate them to the Tank Museum. Yeah, it's really nice.

They need kids to get into the small areas to help them build, so it gives, it teaches kids about underwater welding and life skills by having them build the Navy submarines. it teaches kids about underwater welding and life skills by having them build the Navy submarines. Well, they have a catchy slogan. It's called we build giants because it takes one to build one. What?

It's like sponsored by like Jolly Green Giant or something. Yeah, this feels like really like somebody's doing some like new marketing strategy behind the scenes, like with this MLB thing, this weird slogan. Okay, wow. That's so weird. It takes one to build one. Wait, what do you mean? A submarine?

What does that mean? That's a good, yeah. It takes a submarine, what? It takes, no, it takes a giant to build a submarine. Which also doesn't make sense, I don't think. That makes less sense. Okay, anyway, is it my turn for the challenge? Yeah.

["Dreams of a New World"] Are you ready? Because this is exciting. It's from Natalie and it's Common Sense Media Reviews that call out other kid reviewers. We've got some drama here today, okay? Okay. I can't wait. Oh my God.

This is the kind of drama that I love because it's so low stakes and it doesn't actually hurt anyone's feelings, presumably, because they probably haven't checked the review that mentioned them three years later. You know what I mean? So hopefully there's not really hurt feelings here. But man, I love this kind of drama. It feels so accessible, you know? This is from Stephanie Shide, and it's of a TV show,

it's a review of a TV show called Russian Dolls. And this is not me summarizing or anything, but the actual logline of this show is Jersey Shore meets real housewives with a Russian twist. Okay. And that child is reviewing this? Uh-huh.

Wasn't there a show called Russian Doll? Like, yeah, there was. Yes, with a... Okay, that's what I thought you were, but you said dolls. Well, me too. I was looking it up. I was so confused when I saw Jersey Shore.

I was like, that movie didn't seem to be about what they're saying it's about. No, okay. So, wow, so this is a reality. This one's called Russian Dolls. And it's a reality show, yes. That was a good show. That was a good, Natasha.

What's her name? Natasha Leone. I never actually watched it But I enjoyed it. I heard good things. I heard good things Russian dolls is different. Yeah So here we go. This is a one-star review by Katya Elka are you even Russian? Elka I don't agree with your review

Elka, are you even Russian? Elka, I don't agree with your review. This show is for people who want to learn about Russian culture, and our culture is full of stereotypes. Bad language, violence, and especially alcohol is part of Russian society. So don't try to pull the curtains over what Americans might think is inappropriate. End of review.

Got him. This title contains great messages and great role models. Okay, I think they're like, they're losing me a little, you know, they're like, hey, there's a healthy balance between these two reviewers that I don't even know. They were just so mad at that review. They were so mad they couldn't even,

they were like, put me down there, I'm gonna lower myself. What did Michelle Obama say? They go low. She's like, I'm going low too. I'm going down here to the one stars to yell at you, Elka. I love that Elka and Katya are debating about who's more Russian or who understands Russia better.

Doesn't sound like there's much of a debate. This is true. So that was also the only review there. So I think the other person either deleted it or I don't know what happened, but it's gone. Otherwise, obviously, I would have read the back and forth discussion. I would have read the rebuttal, as I like to say.

Yes. OK, now this was sent in by Stephanie, and it's a review of a movie, Uxener. I will never recover. I will never. I have fallen and I can't get up. This is called The Ridiculous Six. Do you know about this flick?

Yeah, wasn't Werewolf from Twilight in that? Yes he was, yes he was. I'm so sorry, I completely, no. The fuck is it? How am I blanking on his name? Taylor, Taylor Lautner. Taylor, duh, the Taylors. The Taylors, duh.

His wife is named Taylor. That's right, and he is named Lil Pete in this film. Who's the star? Do you know the star? I just named him Taylor Lautner. No, no. I have no idea. This is a classic.

Adam Sandler. Sure is. I'm just gonna read the little bio from Rotten Tomatoes. Weird, it has a zero percent. That's strange, I wonder why. White knife, an orphan raised by Native Americans, discovers that five outlaws are actually his half-brothers. Together, they set out to save their wayward father.

OK. Now just for fun, so OK, it has a 0% tomato meter review. It has a 36% audience score. I'm going to read the critic review, or it's a critic's consensus, OK? And I'm going to read that before I read the kids review. Oh. review or it's a critics consensus, okay? And I'm gonna read that before I read the kids review. Oof.

This is a negative critic review. No. Of the ridiculous, I know, it's hard to believe. By the way, this flick came out in 2015, in case you're wondering. Wasn't it like a parody of the Hateful Eight? Oh, you're probably right. I believe so.

I never watched either one. What a weird time this was. I remember when it came out, but I didn't watch I don't think I watched either either. I Think that's for the best. Here is the critic consensus Every bit as lazily offensive as its cast and concept would suggest the ridiculous six is standard Couchfare for Adam Sandler fanatics and must avoid viewing for film enthusiasts of every other persuasion. Yeah that sounds about right. If I were born though in like I don't wait when did this 2015 mm-hmm if I was born in like 2005 this movie might

have become something that was like weirdly core to my you know like I bet there's so many people who are just like oh oh, you're literally about to read common sense reviews from children about this movie. I forgot about that, but I was like, yeah, I feel like there are movies like that in my life that I watched when I was younger, and was like, oh my God, best movie ever. And if I watched now, I'd be so embarrassed.

Yeah, you almost kind of just accept it without critique back then, because you're like, oh, this is a movie with famous people, I'm just gonna watch it and enjoy it without that critical eye. And then you get older and they were like, oh, this is a movie with famous people, I'm just gonna watch it and enjoy it without that critical eye. And then you get older and you're like, ooh, what was I looking at? But yeah, I feel like.

Simpler times. Simpler times, and I think this, maybe not simpler times, but simpler brains, perhaps. Simpler times for me. For you, right, fair point. Individually, I don't mean societal times. Let's go back to those days. 2015, 2005, what a time.

Okay, this is a five star review by a kid. It was written four years ago. And he believes it's for ages 10 and up. And it's all in capital letters. The title is, People Need to Stop Getting Offended So Easily and Taking Things So Seriously. That's the title. Here's our review, five stars.

People need to grow the fuck up and stop getting offended so easily. I'm ticked off that all the reviews say it's so offensive. People can't take jokes anymore. This child is 10, by the way. People can't take jokes anymore. This child is 10 by the way. People can't take jokes anymore. On top of that they say it's cringy. That's the whole fucking point. People need to stop taking things so seriously. It's a comedy

for God's sake. It's supposed to be funny. You can't review a comedy the same way you review any other movie and think that it's supposed to make sense. I'm sick of people doing that. They need to understand. It's supposed to make sense? I'm sick of people doing that. They need to understand it's supposed to be dumb. Not everything needs to make sense. I can't stand the people out there who have no sense of humor and think everything needs to be so serious. This story is original too. This movie is amazing and hilarious. Don't listen to what the critics say. If you like comedies, you'll love The Ridiculous Six. Sorry for going off, but I am so sick of this stuff.

Not only for this movie and sorry for not using apostrophes. End of review. That's what you're sorry for? Apostrophes? You know they got their teacher was like, you gotta remember to use the apostrophes. And this time he's like, I guess just gonna apologize for it. I guess this is creative writing. I guess it counts.

I think for any of this to be valid, it would probably need a little more than a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, it would maybe need a little more discourse in the cultural zeitgeist of what this film means. It seems like maybe even Adam Sandler would be like, yeah, the critics are right. I don't know.

Yeah, I could be wrong, but also, like I just said about it being a parody, I don't think this is the most original story to ever be written. Not that that's exactly what they said, but the fact that they said it was original, I kind of doubt that. And hilarious. I feel like as much as you say it's a comedy,

it's supposed to be funny. It's like, yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Look, there are crude offensive, that's, yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Look, there are crude, offensive, look at rat race. I'm not saying that everything in there is like. Do you know that I almost brought that up? When you said, oh movies we used to watch.

Yeah, one of us had to. No, there are jokes in that that I'm sure do not hold up that I wouldn't find appropriate or even funny anymore. That's a thing, is I feel like. Everything except, come dare weenies, that'll always be funny. So true. You know, like as society changes, you find certain things not as funny

because you realize the impact that those jokes can have. But like that has so many scenes that are offensive that are like also very funny. And it's not like, I don't know, like punching down anyway. This film just doesn't even seem funny, right? Like that's exactly what the review, even the people who seem to love this type of movie were like pass, you know? So I mean, it's, it looked like a terrible movie and I don't want to watch it. I have no interest in watching. Maybe it had like a 10 year old demographic that just like so niche that like we just lost,

you know, we just lost out because we weren't in that window. True. So, you know what? I'm gonna give this kid the benefit of the doubt. Don't mess with the Zohan. Yeah, don't mess with the Zohan. Yeah, there you go. Another one that I've never seen

that I will choose not to see. And that's another one that like one day, I feel like we'll be like, remember that? And everyone younger than us will be like, what the fuck is that? You know, it just just doesn't even stay. I feel like that one hit at a good time of internet where it's kind of still reference.

I feel like I still see some random references to that one. That one might. Is that Adam Sandler? It is. Yeah, that one might. It's so bad. That one might stand the test of time. That's great.

I don't know if I'd say that. I just mean like, we'll be remembered, whether for good reasons or not. I understand. At least for a little bit longer. Well, Alexander, speaking of classics, I have, this is my two-part finale. This was sent in by Stephanie,

and it's a kid's review of The Incredible Mr. Limpit. The fuck is that? Okay, you don't know about Mr. Limpit. The fuck is that? Okay, you don't know about this movie? Sorry, who the fuck is that? Okay, it's a Don Knotts film. I do know who Don Knotts is. What? I do know who Don Knotts is.

Okay, well he plays Henry Limpit. This film came out in 1964. I'm gonna read to you. Did you know of this movie? Yes. Oh. I think only because the McElroys always bring it up as a reference.

Got it, I was like. I've never seen it. I feel like anything from that time period, if our parents or step parents didn't. Didn't bring it up. Interact with it or bring it up or anything, it's not something that was on our radar. Yeah, can I send you the picture? Because you might recognize, I also just separately

recognize the photo from the movie cover, the movie poster. Sending that to you now. This one's on, this is a picture of a Blu-ray disc. So obviously not original from 1965. Oh. Do you recognize it? Okay, only in the sense that it looks like a parody of other movies, like it doesn't look like a real thing.

Like it looks like an AI generated fake movie from that time period. Yeah, I'll be honest, like I said, I've never seen this movie, I don't really get it. I've never seen this, I don't think. This does not look familiar. I don't get it, I've definitely seen that cover of the, by the way, it's a man talking to a fish

with lipstick on, I think? Okay, anyway. Here is the synopsis, okay? Aquatic life fanatic Henry Limpett, Don Knots, falls into the sea and transforms into a fish, quickly becoming pals with a crab and developing a romantic bond with a fetching female fish. As a human, Henry was passed over for naval service.

But now that he's a fish, he seeks out his friend, Lieutenant George Stickle, played by Jack Weston. Finding him on a small boat in the Atlantic, Henry explains that he can alert sailors when enemy ships are close by, and soon he's helping America win World War II. So that's that. That sounds like a movie from the 60s.

Classic kids fair, classic childhood storyline. So here is a two star review by David. And then we're going to respond. Okay, these are actually two separate reviews. I at first thought they were speaking to each other, but they're both separate reviews calling out other reviewers. Oh good.

Okay, so this is a two star review by David. And the title is, Paints a Picture of Marriage I Would Rather Just Steer Clear of. There is a bizarre slant to this movie, what with Don Knotts leaving his loveless marriage to become a fish. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm sorry. Yeah, that's one way to put it, a bizarre slant. Ha ha ha ha! You forgot about the part. Okay, anyway. There is a bizarre slant to this movie, what with Don Knotts leaving his loveless marriage to become a fish and fall in love with a lady fish.

Plus you have the friend going out dancing with his now widow. It doesn't seem to have its heart in the right place. Plus it's all set against the backdrop of the war and of Limpit longing to be both a fish and a war hero. I think it was interesting for its time, but that time has passed. This title contains sexy stuff. That fish is just too sexy. I'm sorry, it's a sexy lady fish.

What are you gonna do about it? I see it, I see it. They made it extra sexy. Sure did, and then here's the redemption. This is my finale that Stephanie sent in. It's a four star review of the incredible Mr. Limpit. And it's called, it's by Jennifer and it's called, Nice.

Nice film. And I don't agree with the reviewer here that there is something wrong with Ladyfish Simpering. I like girls who do that. End of review. Simpering. I like girls who do that. End of review. Simpering? Yes. Is that what that comes from?

What comes from? Sip. Sip? Yeah. Like simping. I've never heard simpering. Like you simp, like simping for someone? Yes, simping.

Like simping for Pokimane? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Simping. I've never heard simpering. What is simpering? What? Then what is simpering? You tell me. Okay, it is affectedly coy or ingratiating.

So it's the same thing. The simpering waiter asked me if I was feeling cold. How is that the same thing? Like you're being like too like, too. Can you repeat the definition? Like I'm in a spelling bee. From the Latin. Simpering is an adjective.

Affectedly coy or ingratiating. For example, the simpering waiter asked me if I was feeling cold. What does affected? Like you're trying to gain approval or favor. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I've never heard of that simpering, am I wrong? Designed to impress.

I'm just saying simpering definitely is a word, even though it seems like simping comes from a different stem, does that make sense? Got it, okay, so I just derailed us because I've only heard simping, and I was like, what the fuck is simpering? So, Don Knotts is simping for this lady fish, and so it's like, I'm going to be this big war hero

and this fish who has no stake in this war, presumably. This fish is just neutral ocean dwelling creature that has nothing to do with the global politics of humans. That's what you think. There's submarines down there. It is what I think. I'm going to be honest. That's what I think.

I haven't seen the movie. Think about the naval aspect, though. There's war underwater. Where It is what I think. I'm gonna be honest, that's what I think. I haven't seen the movie. Think about the naval aspect though. There's war underwater. Where do you think the fish are? Just irrelevant? I don't think so. I don't think they're irrelevant. I think that if anything, they hate all war as they should.

I suggest you watch this film. I know that you're gonna call it propaganda, but I feel like. I love how this is the one I haven't called propaganda Yeah, of all things. What about winning World War two made in the 60s? You're not concerned about falling in love with the fish and Using that to kill Germans Yeah, I feel that maybe Well, but it said

the female fish was simpering, so maybe the female fish was acting like extra coy, because he said, or they said, I like when girls do that. Coy! That's good. Wait, who likes when girls do what? The reviewer said, I don't agree with the other reviewer complaining about the lady fish simpering.

I like it when girls do that. I will say, I feel like simpering is like a negative, like saying that you like attention. You don't like simpering. You know, like, but anyway. Yeah, you like when someone is like attention, you don't like simpering, you like, you know, like, but anyway, I see what they're- Yeah, you like when someone is like batting their eyelashes and like want you to put their jacket on, like that seems to be what simpering is.

You want someone who's interested, want some lady fish to be interested in you. Yeah. But that's different than simping. You wanna have sex with a fish and there's other ways to say that than just to say what you said. Yes.

You know what I mean? Honestly, just say that. Actually ways to say that than just to say it. You know what I mean? Honestly, just say that. Actually. Just say that. On second thought, don't say that. On third thought, oh, agreed, don't say that. And that's our show. Thanks for listening, everybody.

This is a wonderful time we're having, but it's time to go. Oh, darn. Alex Linder's especially sad. I'm so uptight. but it's time to go. Oh, darn. Alex Zinner's especially sad. I'm so upset. I wasn't done talking about this simpering lady fish. I know, that's why I just jumped in and cut it short. I understand. Another day, another day, maybe after we hang up.

Yeah, we always do an after, like a little talk afterward because Zanny has a lot he wants to get off his chest Yeah, I have to I have to like kind of limit that for the podcast I only get so many words per I used to just unplug the mics and he didn't realize but now I've kind of brought him into the fold and said listen. This is not good for production We need to have your daily meltdown off air Meltdown. And today's daily one is all about that simpering fish.

It's finally happening. I knew something. I can't wait. Something we talked about would get to you. It wasn't the ice hole. I thought it might be the ice hole, but no. Oh, now you remind me of the ice hole. Oops.

What if I met a simpering fish, lady fish inside that ice hole? Worth it. I'd be so embarrassed because it's so cold. And my nipples would be just so tactile. And my penis would retract into my body. Oh my God. You didn't get my joke the first time

so I had to be crude with it. Wait, what? I said it would be so cold so I'd be embarrassed. Oh, that was the joke. Yeah. And so you didn't get that so I had to be crude. I had to be crude with it, I'm sorry. Look, look if you don't like humor if you don't like comedies, I'm sorry. Why are you listening to this podcast? You're right. I'm gonna go watch the ridiculous six and learn a thing or two about good comedy

Yeah, good idea. You know, there's some good dick Me sorry. Let me let's cut that out. You know, there are some dick jokes in there some some some Gonna say some solid ones. Yeah Don't even give her a qualifier. I don't think they're gonna be good Yeah, probably not Anyway, thanks everybody. If you have not gotten your tickets come see us live. The tour is already like Chugging along so don't miss your shot Otherwise, you can join us on patreon at patreon.com slash bht sandy where we do a monthly

monthly bonus episode just like this one, but probably more unhinged because it's not for public consumption somehow Yeah, we kind of let our guard down unfortunately and Our guards up believe I know this is garden version of us retractable penises That's not a good sign And we do all sorts of fun stuff over there, bonus content. We do the calendar of themes and we have a forum where you can submit reviews if you're... We're kind of ramping it up.

It's feeling good. We are really ramping it up. We have video episodes with no ads. We have ad-free listening as well for $5 patrons. So yeah, hop on over there, come join us. We have a lot of fun in the Facebook Patreon group too. Our mom sometimes sends us screenshots from that, so that's join us. We have a lot of fun in the Facebook Patreon group too. Our mom sometimes sends us screenshots from that,

so that's fun. And yeah, that's all I've got. Me too. We'll see you later. Bye everyone. Beach to Sandy Water to Wet is a Forever Dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Zoe Applebaum.

For Everdog Productions, it's Joe Silio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.