Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 295: LIVE from Salt Lake City!

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

Our 7/11 live show from Salt Lake City! See us LIVE!! https://www.beachtoosandy.com/tour Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Summer items available now! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit mx.ca slash ymx. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash ymx.

Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. Hello, our Sand Monsters. We are so excited to announce we are going on tour this summer so you can come see us live as we read one-star reviews of places in your town. Two of our shows are already sold out. Seattle and Portland, thank you.

We got 10 more shows after that and we're going all across the country. So we can't wait to see you all. Go to beach2sandy.com to see where we are headed and go get your tickets. Hello to our beautiful beach 2 Sandy sand monsters. We are on tour this week. And even though we are in the same cities,

we are perpetually running to and fro from venue to venue, reading live reviews of people's wonderful towns and maybe bullying them a little bit with that angle on comedy, but most people have seemed to take it pretty well. anyway, because we are running around so much, we decided to release a live episode from one of our recent shows. this is the Salt Lake City show that we did at Wise Guys in Salt Lake. We had the best time. Everyone was so gracious and wonderful and we are really excited to share this with you. We're going to post the audio to the main feed here and then we're going to post the video to our patrons. For those of you who do not like listening to live shows, maybe give it a

chance, but you know if you're really not into it, that's totally understandable. I promise we'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming next week. And if you are so inspired to see us live, you can still do so. We are going to be in Philadelphia on July 31st, Washington, DC on August 1st, Chicago, Illinois on August 15th,

and St. Louis, Missouri on August 16th. So come see us. We do have a couple of tickets left for those shows and we'd love to see you there. Okay, enjoy. Love you all so much. Bye. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Rottle to Red,

a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello. Hello. Hi everyone, how's it going? Hello, hello, hi. Did you guys see my delivery? I was like, could I just order a bottle of wine? She's like, they're really big.

I was like, like a bottle size? She was like, no, like really big. I said, it'll be fine. So anyway, I'm ready to party with you tonight, Salt Lake City. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but we'll see how it goes. He has a Red Bull. So in Zandy's world, that's- I'll speak buzzing up here. Yeah, that's a party in and of itself.

Yeah, woo! That's like, and in Utah, that's a party, you know? Like, especially. No comment. Am I wrong? Come on. Oh, hi folks. We just flew in from Denver and boy are our arms tired.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry. Don't bring me into this. I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. I didn't know what else to say. We're siblings, we host a podcast called Beachy Sandy Water Too Wet, where we read one star reviews dramatically

that we find on the internet that are usually very unhinged. And on tour, we come to your town and read you one star reviews of your beautiful city. Cause I don't know why, to bully you? I don't know. We just have a great time doing it. And I think that's the intro we're supposed to give. I think that's good.

That covers my bolded thing at the top that says, say what show is about. Right, yes. We've gotten in trouble for that. Not trouble, but stern talking to. Yeah, our manager. Like, nobody knows who you... I'm like, they better know who we are Anyway, the plus ones the plus. Yeah, the drag alongs. Maybe don't know what's happening

Anyway, oh there you are. Oh god. Oh No, okay. I have a review here. This is actually fun fact. Did you know you can review? towns on the internet I mean you can review anything I guess on the internet, but there's a website. I mean, you can review anything, I guess, on the internet. But there's a website called niche.com where you can look for your own city. And so before I go to every city, I look up the town and find a review

that's not like too mean to you. You know, I don't wanna like really bum you out. But it's just kinda rude. And so I have one here to start the vibe, you know? And this is a two-star review of Salt Lake City on niche.com the pollution is terrible especially all those arsenic dust storms from the Great Salt Lake the people in Salt Lake are nice I'm sorry everyone people were nodding their heads at arsenic arsenic dust okay well like the more I want to be here anymore.

Oh, that sounds dangerous. The more reviews I read, the more I was like, oh right, the arsenic dust storms. What? And then I got to this point just now and went, why have I normalized that in my mind? I don't know. But it's a thing.

Okay. It's like actually a very upsetting thing because the lake is drying up. To be fair in Denver yesterday, I read a review that was talking about how the what were the animals ground not ground up prairie dogs they carry the fucking plague. The bubonic plague and everyone goes yeah duh and we're like what sorry we're new here I guess. You guys just spent a lot of time outside in this part of the world. We are not used to that. Ooh, no, no, no.

So I'm upset by the dust storms, but not as upset as Andy, who just learned about them. By tonight, you'll be like a farsening big whoop. The people in Salt Lake are nice, but they're not kind. Oh. They will tell you just how bad you must feel having a flat tire, but they will not get their hands dirty to help you change it.

End of review. That's pretty funny. I thought that was pretty funny. I was like, this is kind of rude, but like, I don't know. I don't know if I agree. I'm gonna pretend I don't. No, of course. We can slash your tire later and see what happens.

Just like test out the theory, you know? Can't wait for that. Okay, my first one is a place called Lagoon Amusement Park. Oh. That sounds fun. Is it a water park? Um... Yeah? No. I'm getting mixed...

They have Laguna Beach. Lagoon-dash-dash beach. Very good, very good, very good. It's technically a water park. Yeah, they have some couple slides. But this is a review of the park with the coasters. One star. Don't go to the new Primordial Ride.

It might be the most overhyped thing in existence. It is not worth the wait. It sent me through a roller coaster of emotions just for it to be let down. It ruined my will to live and made me want to cry. It was that bad. The wait was three hours and it gave me skin cancer from the amount of waiting in the sun. It's not worth it and all the blood, sweat and tears that I had to endure for this and was so underwhelming. I have to go now though, death is lurking around the corner, coming after me after the absolutely atrocious experience in waiting for to get on the ride for it to be trash. End of review. Holy shit. Did you practice that? That was really good, actually. In my head, and look at that.

Yeah, that- Oh, thanks. That was really good, yeah. I can read something that doesn't have any punctuation. Yeah, it's hard. It's harder than it looks. Except an exclamation point at the end. But other than that, nothing. That, you know, kids nowadays. Kids. Am I right? You're so right.

Just a little bit of skin cancer and they're whining on the internet, you know? So true. Not appreciating. A little arsenic dust storm. Big fucking deal. Back in my day. That's probably what it was, true. Could very well be. I have a review of something called

the Antelope Island State Park. It has interesting reviews. This is a one star. It's really, I mean that was dramatic. But this. This is also dramatic. I mean, that was dramatic. But this. This is also dramatic. I don't know, we'll decide afterward. Oh, we will, okay.

We won't remember to, but you know, we'll just say we will. Do not go here in the summer, or at all. I went in June. Oh. Parked. Notice bumper of one parked car was covered in a sheet of live flies. Plus their whole tire.

Wooden plank walkway to outdoor bathroom had a wasp nest underneath with wasp plying everywhere. Walk to the water was over half a mile. The temperature was 90 degrees and the terrain was an ugly, horrible, barren wasteland. The smell was awful. I finally got to the water, and I saw these little shadows all over the ground. I took my sunglasses off, and to my horror, I realized the sand was literally covered

in a carpet of flies. A blanket of black flies where you could not even see the sand underneath. Millions, it was like a plague. This was written like five years ago, so they had no idea what was coming. But yeah, it's a little bit awkward. Anyway, the second I saw them,

they immediately swarmed me. Hundreds all over my body covering me everywhere. Instantly I started running, but they were relentless. They would not stop covering my body covering me everywhere. Instantly I started running but they were relentless. They would not stop covering my body even while I ran and swatted myself non-stop. It was a nightmare like I was in hell. I ran with flies all over my body, sweating my ass off over half a mile back to the parking lot, nearly having heat stroke along the way. I immediately entered the parking lot cafe to get away from these bugs and get water

because I was about to pass out. There were bugs inside the cafe. I could not escape them. Inside the cafe, a family behind me shared the exact same hellish experience and said it would be remembered as the worst vacation they've ever had. I agreed.

I was with three friends. They were spitting flies out of their mouths and when they blew their noses, flies came out. I'm sorry. It's not funny. Like, it's so horrible, but. Like, this is dramatic, sure, but it's kind of fair. It's, like, warranted.

This person's allowed to be dramatic. They're not going on a fun rollercoaster. Yeah, they're not at a fucking theme park. They're in hell. They're in hell. They are. I agree. I'm sorry to laugh. Oh, my God. When they blew their noses, flies came out.

My friend ran to the car but was pursued by dozens of wasps. The wasps incessantly tried to make their way into the car. A ton of flies managed to do so. The entire experience was absolutely horrible and super disgusting. I've included a picture of inside the cafe. No thanks.

I looked at far too many photos of this place. The park should be closed for the summer or at least heavily warn their visitors before entering. I have a hard time believing this place is even nice during other months of the year. End of review. Yeah, me too. That sounds terrible.

That was one of probably like 55 reviews I read of like, the flies. The bugs in this state are relentless and awful. We've read a lot about bugs. And like the heat today. Imagine this with bugs. Yeah. No.

Yeah, what's she bitching about? It was 90 degrees. Big deal. I was outside for 10 minutes today waiting for an Uber and it was horrible. That's a pretty good segue into something, but I'll bring that up later because I do also have a review of Antelope Island State Park. Oh good. Don't worry, it's different creatures.

Oh, more plague-ridden prairie dogs. So yeah, here we go, one star. More plague-ridden prairie dogs. Not Antelope, so yeah, here we go. One star. We went in July. We were the only tent campers which should have tipped us off. This place was not as picturesque as it seems. The sunset is beautiful, I'll give it that. But if you don't like spiders,

stay as far away from the island as you can. Oh my god. Huge orb-weaver spiders spun huge webs in minutes absolutely everywhere. It was impossible to hike without webs with huge spiders in our way or brushing against us. God. When we woke up in the morning,

there was a giant web on top outside of our tent and several blocking our path to the parking lot, all with huge spiders in them. And it said, what was the thing they said in Charlotte's Web? Remember? It was just going to be really funny. Hold on. What's the thing they said in Charlotte's Web?

Something about a pig. Good job, pig. What a pig? It's a pig. There's a pig. It says something. It says something, pig. It's good, right?

Yeah. We'll edit that later. OK. We'll make it. I thought it was funny, but OK. It was funny. It would have been funny It says something big. It's good, right? Yeah, we'll edit that later. Okay. We'll make it better. I thought it was funny, but okay. It was funny. It would have been funny, yeah. Okay.

Thanks. My boyfriend saved my life by valiantly cutting our way through the web. Oh my god. With our cribbage board. Not only that, there were spiders and webs all over the car as well. Oh god. We didn't see a single bison, and we walked out to the lake, which was absolutely disgusting. It smelled strongly of a dirty porta potty marinating on a hot day and the walk out to

the beach was nearly a mile of sand with razor sharp rocks everywhere. I usually support every state park and natural space, but they should not have tent camping here. Ick. End of review. Wow. I mean, it sounds like they went, like, into the Amazon. I know. And so then when you had yours with different creatures, different bugs... Different bugs? Uh-uh. Well, it's a good thing I have another review

of Antelope's... That's so weird, because all of mine, the rest of them, are all of this place. No, come on. That can't be true. That's so weird, because all of mine, the rest of them, are all of this place. No, come on. That can't be true. We can't. Don't leave.

I'm kidding. Please. We're going to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, spiders. It's also not even an island. It's not an island. I don't know. That's your complaint?

I just was confused. I thought it would be an island, and it's not an island. Oh, it used to be an island. Oh, yeah, wait. you're losing water, huh? That's true. Can you stop rubbing it? Now I feel bad. They're really sensitive about that,

and you keep rubbing it in. Yeah, that was pretty, oh. Remember the arsenic? How could I forget? Yeah. Well, okay, I guess I'll just read my, I swear to God, this is my last one of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of Antelope State Park. I swear, I think. I'm pretty sure. Let's hope.

One star. I'm not even sure where to begin when it comes to the list of reasons one should avoid this God-forsaken place the state of Utah refers to as a park. I looked at photos of Antelope Island today because I was trying to find a location to have my bride old photo shoot.

Oh! I'm just gonna say right now, it is absolutely as bad as you think it's going to be. It's some nice contrast though, those swarming black like bugs with the beautiful white dress. With a veil? Like that's what I thought. I thought, I hope the photographer actually took photos

during this trauma, you know. Oh, you don't even know? Oh God. Well, we'll find out okay my bridal photo shoot that had a beachy feel to it hmm sorry I lost my spot I got too excited I chose to ignore the many warnings people gave me regarding the major bug infestation that Antelope Island has, and opted to have my photo shoot there anyways.

We should have turned around when we were greeted by an adult male dressed as a vampire. I'm sorry. I don't know. That's just like a side note. Nothing could have prepared me for that I thought I had this place figured out well this place has bats and sometimes when a bat bites you what do you think happens I'm not answering this stupid question but oh my god okay adult I like that is specified an adult male if a child vampire had

welcomed me into the park that would have been totally fine. Super normal. He had a cloak. He had a cloak, face paint, fangs, and all. It's still unclear as to why he... Wait, wait, wait. This person's dressed, I assume, in a wedding dress or something, so it's like a costume party. This person's like, oh, yeah, okay, look,

another person here at a party. I heard you were bringing in photographers. Let's go. Wait, it kind of makes sense. I think it's... Again, the contrast, the black cloak. Yeah. I'm just saying.

I can picture this beautifully. I consider that so artsy of you. Why did we put this here? This was our fault. What, the table? I know, it's really awkward. I don't know, we... I'm moving in.

I keep being like, can I point to you thated it to shape my armpits in a while? Okay. Let's see. We don't go outside much. Remember we don't. We don't move much. We don't leave our homes that often. Okay. I'm still unclear as to why he and his large group... Whoa! Sorry, I gotta...

See, this is why I needed to I keep moving forward because I need to pause all the time what it's a gaggle of vampire it's a murder of vampires yeah so scary boy I'm unclear as to why he and his large group looked like that but nevertheless we proceeded to the gate I feel like sorry we never stop I feel like, sorry, we never stop this. I feel like God, whatever, you know, who's up there is like, what, Dracula?

Sure. I feel like the universe is telling this person like, please do not enter. We were trying, we sent you TripAdvisor reviews. We sent you, like we tried, we promoted all these cool beachy reservoirs nearby. Please, please don't come. We'll even place a vampire in your path.

And she's like, I'm just, oh, a whole gaggle of them? I'm just gonna keep going. Like, hello? I'm sorry, you got every warning you could possibly have gotten. Okay. One very miserable woman barked orders at us that we needed to pay a $50 photo fee.

Otherwise, we wouldn't be allowed into the park. I hesitantly paid the woman my money and asked if we could please hurry the process up because the sun was beginning to set. And there's a vampire. I hadn't even thought of that. Uh-oh. She allowed us to proceed and cautioned us

that the park would, quote, have a lot of traffic and be very buggy. The term buggy does not even begin to describe the nightmare I was about to endure. He, he, he. We drove the car about a quarter of a mile into the park and found what appeared to be a nice destitute beach on the side of the road.

I was at about the same time that everyone in the car... Okay, there's a lot of typos here. I'm sorry. It's okay. She's been through a traumatic experience, but... It was at about the same time that everyone in the car realized the horrendous odor of buffalo manure so bad my one friend began to dry heath. I opened the car door while dressed in my wedding gown and felt like I got punched in the face with a giant turd.

I began gagging. My sister who had just had her deviated septum fixed. I'm so sorry. This is a mess. A comedy of error. Everything is going wrong. It's just like, how can it get worse? This is fated to be poor.

Yeah, this is bad, bad news. Oh my god. My sister, who had just had her deviated septum fixed two weeks prior, felt such a horrible burning sensation in her nose that it began to bleed profusely. I however was on a mission to get my photos taken. I'm the bride is what I'm picturing. So I proceeded to head down to the beach with my friend holding my train behind me and probably like bleeding all over it, you know? I, however, was on a mission to get a bubble up.

We arrived to the beach before my photographer as she was too busy vomiting on the side of the road due to the horrendous odor. As I approached what appeared to be sand, I realized the sand was moving. Yes. We know this one. They were bugs.

I instantly began to run away in a circle with my friend behind me attempting to hold up my train. That's not what away means. And run after me. Okay, what I think she's... Sounds like some Scooby Doo thing. Yeah. Well, what I think she's saying is because she...

God damn it. What I think she's saying is because she has such a long train. She can't just like turn, you know, 180. She has to do like a loop-de-loop to get the train from, you know, so her friend has to chase her in a... Listen... I'm picturing this as best I can. It's actually really delightful if you try to visualize it.

That's one word for it, delightful. Yeah, a little bit. Okay. I instantly began to run away in a circle with my friend behind me That's one word for it, delightful. Yeah, a little bit. Okay. I instantly began to run away in a circle with my friend behind me attempting to hold up my train. It didn't take long until I realized there was no escaping this bug-ridden hell I had just entered. So I turned around to see my friend staring at me,

eye to eye. This struck me as odd because I am five foot three and she is 5'10". What does that mean? Turns out we were not in sand. We were standing on a beach of manure. My mother was the first one to come to this conclusion, and as she began screaming, I tried to pull my friend

from the hole she was slowly sinking into. What the fuck is this place? And why were there a group of vampires? What are they doing here? Also, I love that he's like, anyway, my mom started screaming. I'm like, your mom? Yeah, the mom's here too.

We haven't even talked about her. Where has she been this whole time? Needless to say, we all made it out alive. That's not how you use the phrase needless to say. We needed you to say it because- We're not sure if everyone made it out. It would not surprise me if you left your mom, sister, and friend behind.

Yes. I wouldn't necessarily blame you, but you can't say needless to say we all made it out. Yeah. That needed clarifying. Oh, there's more, okay. Sorry, almost done. Needless to say, we all made it out. That needed clarifying. Oh, there's more, okay. Sorry, almost done. Needless to say, we all made it out alive.

Some of us a little lighter from losing our lunch and others from being barefoot due to losing their shoes in the holes on the beach of manure. The oh-so-kind woman at the gate gave us a refund and we were able to get some beautiful photos of me and my gown at a nearby bugless and odorless park. Can you imagine though, she's like covered in just like blood and manure and bugs and I wanna see these.

No, I will yes I can, I just don't want to. So if you're looking to clear your sinuses, I guess the $9 entrance fee to this park is much cheaper than going to the local Walmart to get some decongestant, but that's the only reason I'd ever visit this place again. End of review. Wow. Woof, okay.

So that's my last one, I'm sorry, of this place. Um, wow. Are you guys okay? Yeah, what is happening here? What is with your nature? I don't know. I don't think I wanna be involved. Uh-uh, well, that's why we're not,

we came hotel here, Here hotel. No offense, but... You're forgetting the ten minutes I stood outside waiting for an Uber, because that was... Oh, that's true. ...very traumatizing. That was so traumatizing in the shade. Yeah. Here I have a review of another outdoor thing called the Spiral Jetty. It is a work of art, an earthwork sculpture... Ooh....that is built on the northeastern shore of the Great Salt Lake.

It's a bunch of rocks and stuff that go out in a little spiral. It's kinda cool from the pictures. So does Antelope Island. I know, I was gonna say. Careful. And then for reference, you need to drive on quite a bumpy road to get there.

That seems to be the pattern here. Yeah, it's not easy to get to. So here's a review. What a dump. And we beat up our good car for this. Some say this is art. If this is art, all your taste is in your mouth. Good one?

Never heard that before. I think there's a reason. But I kind of liked it. I don't... It's like weirdly... I kind of like it. It's like really rude, but like very cutting. It is cutting. It kind of hurts my feelings, yeah. Yeah, that's why I'm here. I hurt all your feelings, everyone.

Yeah. Better not like it. Brine flies, dirt, dust, and nothing photogenic. Whoever thought to do this is totally unbalanced. Anybody who sees art in this should run, not walk, to the closest shrink end of review. Wow, I struggled with that one. I need to see my own. Yeah, get your medication fixed.

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shipping and 365 day returns okay this is a review of something called the beehive house. Oh, I just heard one... One person. One... What is this? Well, I assumed everyone would know what it is, so I did not write it down. Sorry. You thought I would know what this is? No, I just thought they would know and I wouldn't have to explain it. Like they would stand up and talk to me about it just to know what it is?

I just didn't think it mattered whether you knew what it was. I feel like it matters more that they know what it is. The Beehive House is a three-story home located in downtown Salt Lake City, the intersection, the Church of Jesus Christ, LDS thing. Oh, it's the official residence of Brigham Young, or it was. Can you guys learn a thing or two about your damn city? And it has a beehive sculpture atop the building. Can you guys learn a thing or two about your damn city? And it has a beehive sculpture atop the top of the building.

And that is why it is called that. Got it. Okay. Cool. Here's a... So it's a Mormon thing. It's a Mormon thing. I feel like I said that.

I don't think you did at all. I said an LDS thing. I'm sorry. Oh, you said LDS... Blah, blah, blah, blah. I did make that sound. I didn't know what that meant. I did make that sound. I did make that sound. That's fair. Yeah, okay.

Look, we were here last year and we got invited back. You can say, like. We were so nervous last year. We were like, how far do we go? Okay. Don't worry. We were invited back. All the way.

You can't handle that. No. You have to sign a waiver for that. Sorry. This is a three star view of the Beehive House, aka Brigham Young's. Let's do...

Let's do positive. That might be fun. Ironically. I have no idea what this is. Yeah, okay. Okay. I respect Brigham Young for leading a bunch of hot chicks and confused men to Utah. He was such a badass for doing that. However, I'm going to give his house only three stars.

Why? Because he said that single men over 25 are quote, a menace to society. This is a man who had I don't know how many wives and he has the balls to blame single men for being single. End of review. So yeah, positive music fits, right? He had a good time here, I think. Yeah. I am glad you asked me to explain what it was before I went to review. Yeah, me too. I've been like, what the, why are you talking about this right now? It's fair, it's fair, it's fair.

Okay, that makes sense. Okay, my next one is something called Ogden's George S. Echols Dinosaur Park. Whoo! Which I feel like is self-explanatory. I could explain it to you, but... It's a Mormon thing. Yeah, I get it. Apparently, there are more than 100 dinosaur sculptures here.

Now, that is cool. Plus a museum with hands-on activities. Well, well get it. Uh, apparently there are more than 100 dinosaur sculptures here. Now that is cool. Plus a museum with hands-on activities. Well, well, well. I don't know what that means, but... I'm in. Here's a two-star review of it. Not child-friendly in October.

We took our children, our little precious children... Uh-oh! We had no idea there would be gruesome, bloody scenes for Halloween. Our kids saw corpses. Tell them not, please, please, please warn them not to go to Antelope State Park. There are vampires welcoming you.

You're not wrong. Can you imagine? I can't. Oh, traumatizing. Oh, God, the precious children. Those precious little babies. Our kids saw corpses murdered by hanging, blood and guts, death everywhere. I'm sorry, but only

psychopaths would ever place these things on their property. Our children were disturbed by this and that's why we will not go there again. End of review. I mean hanging corpses, yeah, I feel like maybe it's a little much. Wait, you go to the dinosaur park and you're like, what the fuck? They're like, mommy, what is that? Around like the T-Rex's neck, there's like a whole, I don't know, there are no pictures, but where else are they gonna hang it?

They didn't specify what kind of corpse. Oh, the dinosaur corpses. They didn't say velociraptor corpse or human corpse. It could be. Well, I mean, I thought when they said oh in October dinosaur park I thought like oh they put like pumpkins and they were gonna be all upset and then they're like, oh, there's like hanging your Holy shit pretty rough Yes, okay, here's a fun thing do you guys this okay? this is probably something I should not have

brought to the table because it's- Which is exactly what they want. Yeah, well, no, I don't even know because it's like, this is like a pop culture reference. I don't even, like a very old one. Well, you know- Just say it. What are you talking about? You know SNL when Bill Hader is like,

where's his little shirt? What is it? Is it Stefan? Yeah. Yeah, so that's this reference, okay? You know Stefan? Okay, no? Four people do, cool. Okay.

This will go really well for you, four. This is a review of a place called Dreamscapes, which is like interactive art exhibit situation. Immersive. This is a one star review by Sam. Get your Purell hand sanitizer ready because Salt Lake's hottest new attraction is Dreamscapes. Club owner Oscar the Grouch has brought garbage to the Utah art scene. If you loved Mugatu's derelict line you'll love this art

installation. For a mere $15 you can gaze up at upcycled prescription bottles, Dixie cups, and discarded Styrofoam. And if you didn't think you would get your money's worth, they have a free ball pit, complete with E. coli. For real though, I do appreciate the creativity of the artist, but this should have been a free experience. This is marketed as if it's a high-end installation, like the excellent Hall of Breakfast, but

it looks more like a high school art project. End of review. What's the Hall of Breakfast? I got distracted by the Hall of Breakfast. Is that a thing? I'm not going to lie. That sounds pretty interesting. Why did I not look that up?

That feels like something I should have immediately googled for my own personal enjoyment. But oh, that's a thing here too. OK, that is permanently closed. Oh. It's a. I'm so Okay, that is permanently closed. Oh. It's a... I'm so sorry everyone. Oh, wow.

Come bask in the light of an egg yolk. Don't mind if I do. I'm out. Never mind. I don't like that. The vegan's not involved anymore. An interactive pop-up art experience. Okay.

What the heck? Okay. Anyway. The whale is better. I prefer the whale. You do have that damn whale. I don't have another review of it, but I just Say that and then not bring a review. Yes, I can I just did here's a review. Here's a review of a place called pie hole Yeah, the downtown pie hole it's the pizza place, okay, yeah two stars here we go

It's the pizza place. Okay. Yeah. Two stars. Here we go. Pizza tasted like ass, and, yes, I've tried ass. I'm a good viewer. What? I do so appreciate that, because the extra information. Because we've said before, like, how would you even know what XYZ tastes like, you know?

Yeah. I mean, thanks for letting us know. Yeah, you got, it's honesty. Okay, so I've done a new thing here where every- That's dangerous. Okay, every- Every- No, I know what you're, just talk, sorry.

I'm trying. Every town we go to, I look up Costco and Ikea because I'm like, people- She hasn't done that for like two shows. I'm sorry That's why I was annoyed. I'm like, I know she's gonna say she is this bitch She does she hasn't been doing I can't you don't have to do a bit every time Hold on. Can you guys just like wait for something? You don't have to do a bit every time. It's still a fucking bit If you're not doing it first of all, that's not even the point you're making and second of all that was really mean

Better be good. Well, fine. I don't know if it's very good, but... I'm sure we'll love it. I'm going to try, okay? This is a review. This was sent in by Bailey, and it's a review of the Costco in South Jordan. It's a one-star review.

Here we go. Biggest Costco here. That's-star review. Here we go. Biggest Costco here. Biggest Costco here. That's not the review. Five stars, biggest Costco here. One star. I had a hard time finding ankle socks and plus-size underwear, but that's not my real complaint.

My real complaint is that it was my first time at the store. My husband has been collecting aluminum to help with his upcoming transplant. The manager was very rude. What? What? Okay, remember when we were kids and you... Where is this going?

What? You had to collect pop tabs and stuff. Oh. So aluminum cans is what he's... Oh, to make money for a transplant. For a transplant. Fuck, that's depressing. Oh, my God. I was like, oh.

Wait, did you hear the part about the ankle socks, though? That's depressing. I don't know what you're... Okay. Jesus. Here we go. My husband is collecting aluminum to help with his upcoming transplant. The manager was very rude and not very accommodating in helping him get cans from their break room.

He clearly wasn't doing any harm by going in there to get them. We won't be returning ever and ever do. You're not supposed to do that. You know when you go to Costco and you use the bathrooms and they have the break room and I always kind of glance in and I'm like, ooh, that's where the employees go. And they have little lockers and it's like, ooh, that feels like so off limits. Can you imagine?

I couldn't know. Just like marching on in and going through the trash. But look, if I needed a transplant, like fuck, I'd do whatever to get those cans. It's crazy. I know, but I wish that they instead had like done a cool, like she's like distract the manager, like I can't find ankle socks anywhere, and then he like runs in You know like in a like a what what's the word bond espionage? Yes?

There we go James Bond did that one he did for yeah to because he was collecting cans first transplant Yeah, I remember right. Yeah. Well. I have another review of my whole cuz this place I mean it seems a lot of good reviews, but Not so good. Here's a little so diplomatic. It has a lot of good reviews and a lot of not good reviews. Thank you Here we go a Gracie nightmare. Oh First off I read other reviews saying this is New York style pizza. Bullshit. Not even close. Anyone who says it is has never had a slice in New York. I'm from

Brooklyn. I have very low pizza and Chinese food expectations here in Salt Lake. Places like the Pie Hole are why. For starters, this was probably the greasiest pizza I've ever had in my life. I mean, I was pretty sure it had been soaking in Wesson oil for several hours before they peeled it from the stack of slices. What the fuck is that about? And chucked it in the oven. When I got my order, the grease was puddled on top of the pizza. I had to use about five napkins to soak up the grease. It was kind of gross, really. The grease had soaked completely through the slices, and even after doing a preliminary oil spill cleanup,

oh, it was like chewing on a sponge soaked in grease. Gross. Not just any grease either. I'm talking nasty, dirty grease. Not the good kind. Not the good kind. Not the Brooklyn grease, I'm used nasty, dirty grease. Not the good kind. Not the good kind. Not the Brooklyn grease I'm used to. Oh, exactly.

The bottom of the slice was soaked in a dirty, oily black grease that made it look like it had been smeared on the floor of a Jiffy Lube. Oh, my God. To sum it up, the only thing even vaguely New York about this place is that the slices are thin-crust, and they use a Baker's Pride oven.

They'd get their lips smacked off for serving this inedible shit in Brooklyn. Whoa. The only thing that's vaguely New York about this place is that the slices are thin-crust and they use a Baker's Pride oven. They'd get their lips smacked off for serving this inedible shit in Brooklyn. Whoa. The atmosphere is a mix of drunk snow bros, hipster douchebags, and assorted college kids. The staff is friendly enough, but looks like they could use a shower. It may work in a pinch if you are completely hammered and aren't particularly picky about what you'll eat. Me? I'd rather lick a cat box or just swill vegetable oils straight off a bottle

than fuck with this place again. And of rev- Holy shit! Oh my god, that was so mean. There's like mediocre applause. Owner of Piehole's in the back like, ugh. No, I hope not. Owner of Pie holes like, we closed today just to come to this show.

Just don't mind me. This is pretty normal behavior. Don't worry about it. Just don't even think about it. Just don't look at it. Oh my god. It was like a fucking fountain. It was splashing everywhere.

Yeah. Well, that's what she's Sorry, I'm sorry I regret it. Okay. I'm sorry. I regret it. I do. Does that help? Okay. No, this is a review This is so stupid. Have you heard of this place speaking of This is so stupid. Have you heard of this place, speaking of the greasy pie hole, have you heard of this place? Don't call it that, uh-uh, I hated that. The greasy pie hole.

Have you heard of Buy the Bucket? Oh, have you? I have not. Bucket of what? Spaghetti. Oh! Oh my God, that was the best moment of my life. Wow that was so satisfying and gratifying.

I would say you should have had me guess. I would never have guessed spaghetti. That was so... that moment where like multiple people went spaghetti was... This was really gratifying. So Jacob sent this in. I just wrote they serve spaghetti by the bucket and then I put a big question mark. I don't know. I just didn't know what else to say. That seems to sum it up pretty great. This is a weird one

because the review... It doesn't matter. This place, they have buckets of spaghetti. It's already weird. You don't have to like... I think maybe I do. Well, it's like positive, but it's not. Like, okay, you'll see. Two stars by Erin of By the Bucket in Salt Lake. Last year I was in a pretty low place with my depression. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Like, yeah, same, but what, but buckets of spaghetti. Hashtag relatable. Yeah, but don't you get it? But buckets of spaghetti. Hashtag relatable. Yeah, but don't you get it? I get it. I don't know. Like immediately I was like, oh, of course, but now.

Is it because of the buckets of spaghetti? Well, I'm sure it's a cycle, right? Like it can't help. Like you're like, I'm really down. I'll get a bucket of spaghetti. Do you feel better? Probably not. Everyone's watching.

I'm having an episode right now about it. What? You're having an episode? A depressive not. I'm like, everyone's watching. I'm having an episode right now about myself. What? You're having an episode? I'm very... a depressive episode. I'm getting terrible. Oh! He's having a depressive episode. Great. Okay.

This is what happens when you do a podcast with your sibling. They're like, I'm having a depressive episode. And you're like, it's not time for that right now. I'll save it for a backseat. I'll door-dash a bucket of spaghetti... No! ...for you. There were days where I couldn't get myself out of the house

to even get basic groceries, and so every night I'd be hungry with nothing to eat. I'd open up door-dash, but my depression was so debilitating that nothing on there looked appetizing. Except a bucket of speed. I'm sorry. I would spend an hour switching between DoorDash, GrubHub, and Google Maps looking for something to order.

Even places that I normally love to eat at didn't look appetizing. Maybe it's because I didn't want to waste a lot of money on food I normally like but wouldn't be able to enjoy, but more likely it was because I didn't feel like I deserved good food. Jesus. I know! I told you. What the fuck? Who are these people you're finding? I felt my friends, my new friends.

I felt like I had put myself in this position where I couldn't even get myself to leave the house to get groceries to make something as simple as a bag of ramen. So I sure wasn't deserving of spending money on something that I enjoyed. I felt like if I did that, I would be rewarding my depression and, if anything, I should be punished. It was those nights that I ordered by the book. Yeah. They're garlic bread is not bad, though.

End of review. I mean, it's so relatable. No, very much. That's why I hate it. That's why I hate it. Yeah, it's really uncomfy. I know I've been giving it shit, but I can't lie. If I saw that, I would probably fucking try it. Absolutely.

Do you get to keep the bucket? Yes. But would you want to? Because it's a reminder. You stack your buckets stack up, and you're just like, oh my god, that's my 13th bucket this month. Like, that would start to get so dark.

You're so right. It's like when college kids collect, like, all their beer bottles, and it's like, are you really proud of that? And then at the end of the year, yeah. It's Mountain Dew bottles here. It's like, they have more caffeine. Are they allowed caffeine?

No. But like, that's... It's allowed caffeine no oh it's elicit that's the illicit thing you know oh my god oh my god well I will say this one got 11 prayer hand emojis on Google goodness which normally I'd be like what the fuck and for this one I'm like what else can you possibly do except just like that's actually I agree, 12th-per-hand. Hope you're feeling better. I mean, I will say though, it is reassuring

that they were feeling well enough to write this kind of assessment. Very self-aware, you know? Yeah, but also, it seems like you have to be out of that place to be like, hey, I'm looking back and seeing the pattern of my bucket of spaghetti. I'm seeing the pattern. No, it makes sense. We try to make this seem like a possible. Well, I'm looking back and seeing my bucket, the pattern of my bucket of spaghetti. Like, I'm seeing the pattern. So I'm... Well, I'm hoping they're in a better place.

This was written one month ago, so... Oh, my God. Are you here tonight? I'm looking... Next bucket's on me, if you are. Oh, speaking of big... We have these, too, for, you know? Like, you don't need a big bucket of spaghetti.

Well, no, actually, just go for the spaghetti. If I'm gonna be promoting a fixed-tier depression, let's avoid the giant bottles of wine. Yeah. My next review is of outlets at Traverse Mountain. Someone's been there, that's cool. Is he saying it right? Okay, because I heard him listening

to a pronunciation video backstage. Thought I'd just put you on the spot. I don't know why. I was like, I know I'm not supposed to say the word Traverse, but I could see it being Traverse. Because that's a city, right? Traverse in, like, Michigan. Well, now you're putting me on a spot.

It doesn't matter. I just watched two real estate videos about Traverse Mountain. The music was great. And they both said Traverse. Oh, I did watch three. The first one was just drone footage. Next. Next.

Anyway. I'm convinced most of those drone videos are just people trying to find a pronunciation of a place and then, like, clicking in it. Because I find those drone videos... I do that a lot. It's probably just, uh... Everyone's like, what are you talking about?

But, like, when you talk to all these people, you have to say things right, and then you Google it, and it's like, watch this cool drone... Yeah. ...over Traverse Mountain, and then they don't fucking say anything you said it wrong I know oh see it didn't even work for you okay here here's a here's a one-star review of these you can't even say one star reverse of these outlet

malls here we go the individual stores here are fine prices aren't that low though we went to the Easter helicopter egg drop here. Yeah, same. It was a dangerous nightmare. Missing and trampled kids. What? With hysterical parents, no rules or enforcement, one security guard for thousands of people

and overwhelmed teenagers running it. It was scary chaos. My child was pushed away from me in the madness and came out bruised and sore. Oh my God. When many people voiced opinions on Facebook, Traverse just deleted the post and never acknowledged or apologized for their part

in planning such a dangerous, poorly planned event. Classic. I called and no one returned my call. Whoever was in charge of it should have been fired for their lack of coordination and planning. End of review. Holy shit. Have you heard of this? What, no.

A helicopter egg drop, is that a thing? Well, okay, apparently it is, because I thought, is this a Utah thing? No offense, everyone, but I was like, I've never heard of this in my life. It's our first encounter. So I Googled helicopter egg drop. And then I had to specify the state

because they were all over the country. And then I did Utah, and that still wasn't enough because there were multiple helicopter egg drops. Basically, they fly over in a helicopter, drop a bunch of eggs, and then release the children to get the eggs. It's like an Easter egg hunt, but the eggs fall from a helicopter.

From the sky. And listen to this. So I looked into it, and apparently there was an article about it, and this is what it said. The first ever Easter egg drop in Utah took place Saturday. This was like seven years ago. Thousands of kids were waiting on the ground

at the outlets of Traverse Mountain in Lehigh. Then a helicopter showed up and started dropping 20,000 eggs as the crowd was held back. And then absolute bedlam. Honestly, that word should never be used again because it was used perfectly. Shouldn't ever be touched. It's been, it's peaked.

There were 100 golden eggs in the drop. Oh no. They weren't filled with candy, but they were filled with gift cards and other prizes. What are these people thinking? You know, you put adults, yeah, you put adults in a situation where there's like money on the line and things go crazy.

Suddenly you throw children in the mix. And 20,000 eggs falling from the sky from a helicopter. Holy shit. What is that? I'm scared of helicopters. We fell from the sky in a helicopter. Wait, were we in a helicopter? We were not in a helicopter.

It was a plane. She forgot what... That's kind of scary. You forgot that we weren't in a helicopter? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I feel like those don't go high enough to jump out over skydiving. I could be wrong. Let's not fight figure out right now.

We can continue on. Okay. I guess if you jump out of a helicopter, there's all those blades. It probably wouldn't. Well, no, people. Those are usually above the helicopter. Chomp crew.

Usually. Yeah, well, eggs are usually on the ground. So you know what? Fuck everybody. And I will say, oh, well, eggs are usually on the ground, so you know what, fuck everybody, and I will say. Oh my God, I literally just saw a thread from your chair and I was like, oh my God, an orb-weaving spider. It's here. I saw it moving, I was like, oh no,

my nightmare has begun. Jesus. I'm sorry. They were all over the place. Sorry. I'm glad, okay. But there isn't a spider. I don't think, well, I can't say it for certain, but I'm glad, okay. It's not our- But there isn't a spy. There's not, I don't think, well, I can't say it for certain,

but I don't see one. Okay, thanks for that. Okay, I have a review. Speaking of things falling from the sky, weirdly, that is exactly what's happening in this review. This is a review of Walmart. Oh. Oh, no.

Sent in by Bailey. It's a Walmart in South Jordan. It's a one-star view, and it comes with a photograph, which makes Alexander crazy, because I'm like, everybody look, and I hold my iPad up, and nobody can see it, and he gets really mad. Yeah. Because then afterward, we get DMs like,

what were you showing? Nobody could see it, but I'm going to try it again. Just... This is her bit now. One star. Crazy stacking fans all the way to the ceiling. Very dangerous.

20 feet high in the middle of the store. No strapping at the top. All the fans on the top loose and wobbling. Death trap waiting to happen. End of review. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hold on. Yeah, stand up, show everyone, walk around,

Vanna White. You're pointing at the ceiling. Okay. Oh. Oh my god. It's a bunch of cardboard boxes of box fans, it looks like, stacked very high. Wow.

And it's not a live photo. And someone thinks it's a good price. It's a great price. This isn't like stacked very high. Wow. And it's not a live photo. And someone thinks it's a good price. It's a great price. This isn't like, price is right. Like, this is where, this is... Well, it's not even that great of a price. It's like a dollar off the normal price.

But apparently, it was wobbling. So it's not a live photograph. You can't see it. Did they have a fan blowing next to it? Like, look at the power of this thing! Turn it up to high speed! Yeah, I just, uh, I wasn't even gonna bring this review, like, read it, but then Zany said, like, stuff falling from the sky. I was like, maybe that's a thing here. I don't know. The power of fans involved.

It's like children running away from... I don't know. Alexander, I don't know. Mine, they were running towards, not away. Oh, right. Okay. Did they say, try nothing in the phrase again, cause it was haunting. Which one? Missing and trampled children, is that what it's, like it's so haunting.

It was like missing or trampled, no in between, it's like one or the other, you've got nothing else. I mean, which do you prefer? I don't know. I don't know. Probably, no, I'm not gonna answer that. Why was I about to answer that? I was thinking you weren't. I was about to. I didn't think you would.

I'm not gonna answer that. I have a review of Layton Hills Mall. The Layton Hills Mall egg drop from... Not quite, but here is a one-star review. And for a little context, the attached photo that is not necessary to show everyone is a picture of a security guard looking over a banister. And that's it, okay? Just taken from a distance. I'm gonna make him show it to me. It's exactly as I described.

What? That's a security guard. You can barely see her, see? Oh, you know how I pictured it? Like looking at the camera. Oh no, it was like close to the side. She's in the distance. You can barely see her see oh, I you know how I pictured it like looking at the camera No, it was like she's in the distance in the distance. God. Yeah, let me figure that out. Here we go one start Say hello to mrs. Blart minus segue Okay, be warned. She will watch you for the rest of your life. Oh

Running up an escalator the wrong way is a serious infraction. You will be kicked out. She will watch you from her perch, pictured, but don't take pictures. She will quickly tell you not to. Don't try to out eye contact her. She will always win. Oh! Watch out for her henchmen that work at the kiosks because they will be watching you. Cam at the shoe store is your only ally. Oh! End of review. Is this like the instruction manual to an escape room?

Yeah. It's like, it's a quest they're about to go on. It sounds like a quest, yeah, like a void. Yeah. Oh, my God. Security guard on the perch. First of all, she... Cam is your only ally.

She sounds like a badass. She's like, stop running up the fucking escalator. Yeah. First of all, she sounds like a badass. She's like, stop running up the fucking escalator. Yeah. First of all, we did that one time. Our fucking... Was that in Utah? What the fuck are you talking about? Okay, I just had a flashback.

To last year? I wish. To our childhood. When our father left me at the oh sorry that was a different one I think about the time our dad let at the airport I assume in Cincinnati left me or I was afraid of the escalator so he didn't really leave me it was more like I'm not getting he just hadn't gotten to know you I only spent a couple days with and I was I was in the middle going, she's afraid of the escalator. Your mom didn't teach you about escalators?

I was like, no. What is she teaching you over there five days a week? Not the real way to the world. Not how to ride escalators. So yeah, I refused to get on, which is a very healthy thing. So then our dad had to like run up the down escalator to get me because it was like. That one was funny.

I do remember that. No, that's not what I was remembering. But I'm talking about the time. What are you talking about? I heard it too. I heard it too. We were on a ski trip. I swear to God, it was in Salt Lake.

We landed in Salt Lake. I swear to God, it was in Salt Lake City. And we were waiting for our bags and it took like way too long. And so our stepmom decided, I know a fun way to entertain these small 10-year-old children, and she said, why don't you run up the down escalator?

And I ate shit. I felt so hard. I like- Also sounds about right. Yeah, just like slid down the whole thing. I mean, it was like fully dessert. Like, what am I doing running up a fucking escalator? I mean, she probably told us to.

Oh, she told us it was a really fun thing to do. I mean, she also told me to try every drug once, so... It's not like maybe necessarily she was like the best guidance for a 10-year-old, but that's when I hear people running up those things. I'm like, good luck here. You are the least coordinated person ever. Okay, well, that you're... You are the least coordinated person ever. Okay, well that's not...

wrong. Okay? I can't even argue. Anyway, we'll talk about that later. Okay, yeah. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. This is a review. So, okay, I thought it would be fun to look up multi-level marketing, right? But then Yelp said, oh, yeah, well I looked it up and it immediately brought me, it said Yelp said, I know what you're looking for, the Salt Lake City International Airport. Which was super weird, but I was like, I guess. And it didn't disappoint. So I have some one-star reviews. So here is one. This is

of the Salt Lake City International Airport. Again, I swear to God my blood is still somewhere on that fucking escalator. That was a really dramatic way to say that. It was. Yeah. It's fine. Now I can't stop thinking about it. Okay, one star. Is that why we saw, on the way here, we saw those vampires like on the escalator looking at me? They're like, oh where's all that blood that I can smell? Get back to Antelope State Park right now. Get back to where you belong. Creepy little vampires. This show is so dumb. Our wonderful merch seller Sarah was like, you know there's a Blink 182 concert across the street? And we were like, fuck. We were like, wow, the people who are here tonight

are like, die hard, so thank you for coming. Or they were dragged here and are like, I wish I were at the Blink 182 concert, and I don't blame you. Okay, here's a one-star view of the Salt Lake City International Airport by Kaylin. Whoever designed this airport needs to go to federal prison. Okay, here's a one-star view of the Salt Lake City International Airport by Kaylin. Whoever designed this airport needs to go to federal prison.

It is atrocious. I still have flashbacks of walking my 14 year old dog in a bag over 20 minutes drenched in sweat and on the verge of tears the whole time. I would give it zero stars if possible and will do anything to avoid this airport. End of review. Oh, boy. Yeah. I've not, yeah. I just felt like after my escalator flashback, I should read someone else's flashback.

Another flashback. Yeah. That's two in one night. That means, yeah, something's going on there. It's terrible. Something bad. I don't know. I'm gonna read, what should I read now? I've got so many. Let's take a trip to the VDI?

I don't know, I guess. What's that? Deseret Industries Thrift Store. It's a Mormon thing. Got it. Mormon Goodwill. It's a thrift store, but it's run by Mormons. It's like St. Vincent de Paul but like. Yeah, but Deseret. But like, what's a, okay, it's fine.

I get it. Joseph Smith. Don't think too much. I get it. Here's a one star review. I just left the DI on 21st South where the lady cashier with a five o'clock shadow was the rudest I've ever encountered.

She lectured on having me separate the men's and women's clothes so she wouldn't have to. But before all that, she set a plastic bag on the counter and went on to say that she will ring up and I can help her bag. I think she just needs to find Jesus and learn how to do a simple job like ringing up what I'm buying. And those were the few. Yeah, I'm gonna be honest. I like saying the rudest thing in history

and then going, she was so fucking rude. It's like, hmm, that's weird. That's weird. What was this egregious thing this person did? Oh, wanted you to put your items in your own bag. Whoa. That's pretty rude. Yeah, anyway.

That's pretty fucking rude. If she knew Jesus, she would never have. That's the thing. Jesus would never stand for that. No. Hell no. Bag your own groceries and purchases? No.

Okay. I keep scrolling past the buy the bucket thing. Bag your own groceries and purchases? No. Okay. I keep scrolling past the buy the bucket thing. It just, like, makes me chuckle every time. I have something that I, like, I put in here as a... I wrote a throwback because I read this last year, okay? But I couldn't decide whether or not to bring it. I'm gonna bring it because...

What it's worth, I'm sure I completely forget it. You don't remember, exactly. You're not gonna remember it. I mean, neither will it be, so neither will we. Great, perfect. I should have just pretended it was brand new. But one of you nerds was gonna be like, you've read that before, so.

This is a throwback review. It's a Temple Square. It's a Mormon thing. Is it the one? What if it's not the one? Cause I think I read like three reviews. I'm gonna, I have a feeling I'm gonna remember it. It's the security.

You're 100% right. They remember they're the nerds. Oh my God, I found them. We found them. Holy shit. Security. We finally found them. Been looking everywhere. The test, this is complete. This is like, talk about unhinged. Security. We finally found them. I've been looking everywhere.

The test is complete. This is like, talk about unhinged. Okay. LDS Temple Square is a misnomer. It is as much about the Jehovah's Witness religion as it is about the Latter-day Saint one. My first visit went okay. I planted a daffodil plant where the people get married.

You remember now? Kind of. I also left a blue sea thistle plant from Washington state by the offices of the LDS. The brickwork in front of the Mormon temple was in disarray. They were redoing it, so it was gated shut. I met many folks and I gave them little tokens and trinkets and tips for the weddings in progress.

The second day... Okay, sorry. The way it's also described is like he's there for like many days. This is like Genesis in the Bible. Yes, like the second day. On the first day I gave a thistle plant or something. And tokens to those getting married. It sounds like a crow. Like, I brought you little trinkets.

Oh, it does. You know? At first, I had no idea. But weirdly, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, crows bring you gifts. Yeah.

The second day, I went in only one building. It was a beautiful one with a Star of David on the outside. Interior craftsmanship was impressive. It did look different than a synagogue though, and I remarked on that. I was accosted quickly and purposefully by four men in security clothing of the Kingdom Hall watchtower people.

Their pupils were dilated. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. They ordered me quickly to leave, surrounding me on all four sides, and were amazingly rude, and started to lie a little bit. God forbid they start to lie a little bit, they've just accosted you, but okay. They said they were going to call the police.

I said I wanted to go to the temple and the LDS offices. They said, no, yours not. So I escaped. They're almost sensual, pressing... Oh! ...demandingly closed bodies... Oh! ...and escaped to the genealogy library.

Is this another quest? I forget. I definitely put all of this out of my memory. Yeah. For good reason, I'm learning. I feel like this is right, like, oh, I escape to the library. Potentially pressed bodies upon you. Okay, well, all right. Head to the genealogy lab for your next mission.

Yes! Bring your, like, you get, like, little, you find, like, you know, a point, a daffodil. It's like, what's that game? There's no game that is like whatever you're talking about right now. Zelda. Where you collect a little bit.

I couldn't, I couldn't be, I tried to play, no I did. You've ever played a video game? That's the sad part is I did for a long time. I don't think you've played a video game since like Sims 2, but. I did play, I did play Zelda, and Blaze was like, oh I beat it, and I was like, I'm in like the intro screen still, like I couldn't even get out of it. She's still there.

I'm still, yes, actively. She has like 100 play times, like her play time's like 100 hours, she has not gone past the main menu. I'm like that woman at the beach, I'm going in circles, like trying to figure out how to... I'm running away! It's like I'm trying to escape. You're going in circles. I'm just collecting daft bills, I guess.

I don't know anymore what I'm talking about, sorry. Neither do we, it's okay. Uh... So I escaped their sensual pressing demanding like And Skipped out to the genealogy library One ran after me and practically ran into the capable and folded arms of elder young Okay, sorry in the last year since I read this I have read a few books that are like Kind of like the dragon-y romance type,

and I'm like, is that what's happening? It feels kind of like fantasy, romance. I ran into the capable arms of Elder Young, and they were so strong and sensual. It's like- This is a chapter of fourth wing, I know it. Yeah, it feels, it does. It feels like there's some sort of weird fan fiction

happening within his own story. I'm sure there is... No, I don't want to even put that out there. Fan fiction, I'm sure, exists within... The internet is a scary place. A lot of soaking in there, but it's... Alexander! I didn't... I don't know.

Hey, guess what? The other day we were driving to Charlotte. Well, no, we were driving from Charlotte to Atlanta. And my mom goes, well, what's soaking? And I went... Here I jump out the window. Goodbye. Yeah! And then I told her what it was. Yeah, and then he promptly described it,

and I said that. And she was like, that's what they call it. Oh. No, come on. Stop it. Leave my mother out of this. Okay, here we go. That was a good idea. More wine. What? Oh, I did put my teeth on this, which probably is bad,

because probably they're going to need the bottle. No, I don't know. Do I take that home? Okay. You do now. Yeah, that was a smart move. She does that every show. She always bites the cork. It's like, whoops, guess I got to keep this whole bottle. It's like when people lick stuff and they're like, it's mine now. Sorry, let's get back to this.

There's more of this sentient. I know I'm like leaving you all in suspense. Definitely want this to end. Yeah, no. I practically ran into the capable and folded arms of Elder Young. Come on. I shook my head and drove off,

never to return to Salt Lake City Temple Square ever again, no matter what. Really. Jehovah's police and security by phone leave something to be desired at Temple Square. The visitors and buildings are nice, though. I wasn't going to turn in all my stuff at the JW visitor center either, as a lot of others were doing.

I just wanted to get the heck away from those will-to-win drama king volunteer guard guys. My family has been told never to come here, as have my Facebook friends. And never view. I would love to hear that. Read that Facebook post. Every time I read this, I'm like, God, how do I find that? I know.

I need some web sleuths to get on it. I feel like there are plenty of keywords you could search for and find it. I mean, I feel like I could. It's just like, I know so much better than to get in the rabbit hole of like trying to LDS smut like I don't think that's the rabbit hole oh god tonight's gonna be really weird and sad okay you don't have to look that up but like you don't understand I do yeah I do you're right okay I'm gonna read a review here. This is of, so when we were waiting for our Uber, I saw a receipt on the floor.

Yeah, he like, okay, on the floor, on the ground of the parking lot, yeah. And the, no, come on. Here's the ridiculous thing, is I was like, I wanna pick that up, then he gets up, Picks it up, and I went, we're so s- I have to do this away from the mic, cause that would be really annoying.

We're sick in the head, we both wanted it. Well, because I didn't recognize what it was from and it was from a place called Shields. Here. What did they buy? Shields. I don't know if I should say that. What's their credit card number?

196, no I'm just kidding. What did they buy? It makes no sense. Short Ambush, gray camo. Oh, is this like a gun thing? Living the dream, storm. Fireworks? I'm trying to-

Short Mr. Boyfriend. I have no idea, sorry. I wasn't planning on reading this stranger's receipt. I'm sorry. That feels like an invasion of someone's privacy. We don't know. And don't leave it in a public space. No, so I was like, I don't know what the fuck this place is.

I'm still not totally sure. Oh. Because I was reading reviews, and the first review was talking about some Ferris wheel. And it was like, my kids wanted to ride the famous Ferris wheel, and the second review was, they sold me a shotgun that didn't work very well. And I'm like, whoa.

I thought it was like a toy store. I thought it was like the fucking like, Toys R Us in Times Square. There's a Ferris wheel, a bunch of toys. But no, they have guns. So I was very confused. I think it's like an outdoor store that has a Ferris wheel. Oh my God.

I feel my eyes glistening. I'm like, what is this? What is it called? Shields. Shields. In an aquarium. In an aquarium. There's an aquarium there?

Oh my gosh, that is wild. Okay, well, here's a review of Shields. The aquariums, you can test the harpoons. Yeah. They're like, oh, before you leave, you need... Probably, probably. Here's a one-star review. That was stupid.

That was pretty good. I liked it. Thank you. I've been a customer here for years, and I also use it as a way to help train and socialize friends who have dogs with issues. Oh, okay, count me in. I've never had a problem inside of this store until today, and it was so ridiculous. I was helping a friend with her dog who was terrified of people and needs to be out and see that generally people are okay. Especially people with guns.

Like what a weird place to do this. And also like what a weird friend. There's a whole world out there like outdoors. Imagine if your friend was like I'll fix your dog. It's like you don't need to do like it's fine. He's just shy. This isn't the first time this happened. Yeah it seems like this is their like shtick. They take, they's fine. He's just shy. This isn't the first time this happened. Yeah, it seems like this is their, like, shtick.

They take... They take shy... Like... Yeah, like dog whisperer stuff. Like, this is... Oh, no. I was helping a friend with her dog who was terrified of people. Okay, yeah. Oh, as we walked inside the store, she let out a bark, and we

moved her on. Well, this caught the attention of Mr. White Shirt, some, which I think is a Mormon thing. Is that a Mormon thing? I don't know. I was reading about White Shirt. They're not sure either. Look, I was like, what the fuck does it,

because they keep bringing up Mr. White Shirt. And I read it. But I mean, I'm seeing the correlation. It's like a thing of purity and like, oh, like when you get to wear this white shirt, and there's like a white shirt day. Wouldn't they call him like Mr. Underwear? Like something like more specific

so we'd know what they're talking about. Mr. Underwear, yeah. Mr. Weird Underwear. Yeah. Mr. Unique Underwear, sorry. I don't wanna offend any. Yeah, totally. Mr. Special Underwear. The soaker, super soaker.

Alex Ciner! Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay, sorry, sorry. What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop saying this. Well, this got the attention of Mr. White Shirt, some mid-twenties kid who immediately began following us around the store like a creep,

ducking through clothes, standing behind shelving, etc. He was practicing with his cool new camouflage. Well, he's wearing a white shirt. I guess it's not working. It was not working. Never mind. We walked around the entire store bottom floor, and as we were nearing the exit, this dog barked again. Because she was startled, immediately James Bond himself sprang into action and said, I'm going to need to ask you to leave. I asked why and he said, I've been watching that dog since you guys came in

and she has now barked twice. I looked at him and explained I had been coming for years helping friends with dogs. Oh my God. And he just shook his head and said, thanks for having a leash on the dog, but you have to leave. I have had dogs bark once or twice before.

I've noticed other dogs bark once or twice due to excitement or fear. And until today, all I've heard was, well, someone's a little excited, or someone looks a little nervous. I've been told to stay as long as I need, which is why I kept coming back to help friends. Mr. I'm a white shirt now, so I get to put gel in my hair

and walk around like a jerk and make someone who is already nervous and embarrassed even more so. Grow up, dude. Be like the rest of the employees and white shirts and be more of a human frickin' being instead of a robot. I understand dogs shouldn't be causing a scene, and if the dog was barking incessantly and wouldn't stop, then yes, the person should leave.

But two barks at a short time in the store and were kicked out? Oh, that's the end of the review. I was like, what? It did feel like we needed like a closing argument. Okay. I feel like maybe the store was like, oh, we just hired a new white shirt.

I don't like that. I don't know what that means. I couldn't tell if it was from this place. The storeman thinks, I have no idea. OK, I feel like they were like, we just hired someone. I was hoping the audience would help me. They were not helpful at all. They were not.

We're going to talk about it. It's not their fault, but I'm still a little, you know. It's absolutely their fault, but we'll talk about it later. We'll talk about that later. No, I was thinking like, oh, what if they always bring this dog here, and the staff is like, we've had enough of this fucking lady bringing dogs in all the time or whatever, like somebody needs to do it. You're the newest hire.

Get them the fuck out. Follow this dog. The way that dog makes one more noise, kick him out. Get out. Yeah, that's kind of what happens. Yeah, that's too bad. I think we're nearing the end of our time. So I think you need to read one before a little finale.

You guys might be able to make to the second half of the Blink-winning 2 concert. That's where we'll be, sorry, by the way. We found that out. Yeah, right. We've got to get out of here. Yeah, I wish. I'm so tired.

OK. I can't even pretend like I'm going to go stand somewhere. We're going out somewhere? Uh-uh Remember when I stood for 10 minutes for an Uber and almost died? Yeah And have brought it up at least five times I feel like Since you were handed a microphone you're like, folks Ten minutes

I just want everyone to understand Okay, so I'm ending on I think they more than under They were in the same weather as you. I'm just gonna say that. This is a five-star review because I feel like I'm gonna end on a positive note. They deserve it. Yeah. This is a five-star review of the Utah Jazz Practice Facility.

Like why? I don't know. Classic. But why not? Our favorite place. Communally our favorite place. Five stars by Ron. Thanks for your generous gift from my grandson, who just underwent his 43rd operation. He was born with spina bifida, and he

is an extra large jazz fan. Way to go in defeating the Warriors. 40 points, 30 points, and 20 points. Guess that shows the league who's really the tops. End of review. Isn't that nice? I feel like in contrast to my first review, which was like, people in Salt Lake

will feel sorry for you and then just like walk away. I was like, and not help your tire. I felt like this was a nice like closing argument. We've got to find someone who got enough aluminum cans for their... Oh, no. For their health needs. We've got to find someone who got enough aluminum cans for their For their health needs well Maybe that guy should stop trying to break into the Costco break room and go to the Utah jazz practice facility You gotta go right?

Also, I wonder what the gift was a generous gift. Yeah Yeah, a bunch of aluminum cans. A lot of cans. Like, here's all our aluminum cans. Oh, no. Anyway. Oh, god. I have to bring us back down. I'm so sorry.

But don't worry, because we have our finale, which, if you were here last year, we like to read a review of the lovely venues that host us. So, yeah, we have a review here. Don't worry, five stars, everyone, of Wise Guys Comedy Club. Yes. Downtown Salt Lake City. Here we go. Awesome club.

Best place on the planet for open mic nights. And aside from open mic night, open mics. Boo, get off the stage. This is the first show of the tour that I'm 100% sober. Completely sober. What is going on? That's your problem. We learned something today.

That's your problem. We learned something about what a band is. I already knew it. I wanted you to learn it for yourself. We'll edit all that out, and I'm gonna start fresh as if nothing happened. Here we go. That's right. Awesome Club, best place on the planet

for open mic nights. Ow, my God! I'm convinced I said that wrong. Did I say that right? That sounded... You said it right. It sounded so wrong from the end of the mouth. Until you started saying it completely wrong. And then I stopped because I didn't believe I said it right.

I feel like you're making a weird bit about open mic night, and I know you're not, but it's like getting in my head. That's what this feels like right now. Everyone's like, get off the stage. Okay. Here we go. You're making their open mic night sound like a terrible time. I'm sure it's lovely.

Please come back here. Don't let me be the reason. Here we go. Aside from open mics, all the biggest names perform at Wise Guys. That's true. No, it's true, obviously. Wise Guys goes above and beyond in developing future talent, bringing the best talent in

the world to the stage. And I swear this isn't my fault. And at affordable price to the public. And take... All right, you know what? Do you want to just fucking read this? Yeah. I'm out.

I'm out. I swear there was a typo. I'm just gonna let you read that. It's too fucking read this. Yeah. I'm out. I'm out. I swear, I swear there was a typo. I'm just gonna let you read that. He's too sober for this. And then I'm gonna pretend like I've never heard of, oh, okay, I'll have a drink more wine. Here, right here. Whoa!

Oh my gosh. Whoa. He probably. Okay, I'm just gonna. Now he's wasted. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Awesome Club. Best place on the planet for Open Mic nights?

Aside from Open Mic's, all the biggest names perform at Wise Guys. Wise Guys goes above and beyond in developing future talent, bringing the best talent in the world to the stage and at affordable price to the public. You're right that is totally right. Thank you. And taking very good care of the comics who perform there. How do you know that but whatever. Not an easy task. It's true though. I mean it's true. Sorry. No it's true but it feels like what a weird thing to say. There is a reason we, let's just say we haven't always come back to venues. This one we were very happy to come back to. That's true, yes, that's true.

I actually, I went to- One time, I should say. What? I'm acting like we don't- Oh, I thought you meant we're coming back here one time. Oh no, no, no. No, there's only one time. There's only one time where we're like,

we're not going back there. Isn't that fun, you guys, if you guess what it is? Yeah, and it had not, yeah, but don't. It's Denver, no I'm kidding. It's not Denver. I wanted you to have like a little like, little fun, you know. Do they hate Denver? Maybe.

I don't know. That feels like natural, you know? Yeah, it feels like it's right. I don't know, okay. I wanted to foster the hate either way, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should be a part of it. Okay. Not an easy task to accomplish

all of those things simultaneously. Wise Guys is a universally respected name in the business because they, the owner and everyone who works for them, have earned that respect. Please do support this much needed stand alone, okay this is all with hyphens. Please do support this much needed standalone Burkitt Mortar Comedy Club with your dollars.

And your time if you are a local comic in need of experience. End of review, two prayer hand emojis. Wow. I thought we got a bunch more in the crowd. Wow. Well done, I've never heard that review before. Wow, that was a great one.

Wow, that's so weird. You were correct, that was very poorly written. I wouldn't say poorly, I would say uniquely written. I chose it, so I don't know what I'm doing. But I thought it was very nice and true. I think you used up all your good like live show reading with that one with no punctuation. I started with that. The skin cancer one. I started with that and it's been downhill since then. That's right. Yeah but I had lots of fun so thank you. Oh good that's what matters. I had a great time. Thank you Salt Lake City

for having us. We love you. We love you very much. We love you all. We're gonna come back one time. One more time. If we're invited. If we're invited. Okay, we love you, bye bye. Love you, thanks y'all.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.