Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 30: Crab Houses in Baltimore, MD

Episode Date: June 19, 2019

Hi! We’re new and we don’t know a lot. What we do know is that these reviews are ridiculous as always. We read reviews written by some very crabby people and then Alex proves that Southern California has the best convicts. Please enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. The podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. Hey everyone. I'm Christine.

I am Alex. Ander. Ander. Hello, welcome to our program. Alexander Salamander, as I always say. Or Red Naxala, backwards. Red Naxala. I forgot about that one. I was in Nitzerk and you were Naxala.

God, I forgot how bad yours was. Mine's bad. Well, hello everybody, welcome to the program. We have Giovanni in the studio. We have not learned to say his name backwards yet. I guess it would be Oig. Oig. Oh, I love that. That's a beautiful sound.

Uh-oh. What is that, Dutch? You know what olives is backwards? Hmm. Evil-o. Evil-o. Oh, no. Avillo. Uh-o oh sounds like some shakespeare character oigen a villo sounds like a weird german fairy tale where a lot of people get harmed um anyway we're here for you

today to read some reviews yeah welcome to episode 30 oh right it's number 30 we have reached a big deal the triple nope still double decade digits but okay the triple decade as the people say famously called yeah well for our 30th episode um i gave us a theme the theme was uh crab houses in Baltimore, Maryland. Yes. And I gave you a challenge to find a review of a police station, which I called a police office. Police office. A police station written by someone who was arrested. Okay. And it was okay. Oh.

I did struggle, surprisingly. Well, I didn't think that was surprising that you struggled. You were very confident that you would find a lot. Well, I didn't think that was surprising that you struggled. You were very confident that you would find a lot. Well, I did. Oh. But oftentimes they were just deeply upsetting. Yeah, I guess I hadn't thought that one through. Oh, it was upsetting.

Oh, good. But I found a couple goodies, I think. Super. Well, I guess let's make the most of it and start with our crab reviews. Yeah, give me one. Oh, you know what i just sitting here realized what's that i didn't even look at the crab claw reviews did you do that yeah thank god don't ruin my surprise i just got really i was like oh i can't wait to do that and then i didn't

do it um i wanted to also add before we do this that uh we got we got an email from the guy thomas who wrote the one star review of our show oh god i forgot about that thomas and of course then i felt bad because he was like oh god i'm sorry i was having a bad day i deleted my one star review of your show i'm sorry i made christine feel bad and um that was very kind of you to reach out, Thomas. And I'm very thankful for your grace and kindness toward me after we called you out on the show. Very aggressively. I sent you that PayPal to remove the review. Yeah, well, also that. So, it's okay, is what I want to say.

We're all in the good and the clear. Yeah, and anyone else who writes one one star reviews, we're not mad. We're disappointed. We're also your parents. Okay. This is one big happy family. And Thomas, welcome back. I hope you're, well, if you're still here.

As long as they keep listening and then maybe give us another shot, that'd be nice. But they can think what they want. I don't care. No, this is not a democracy. Oh, okay. This is a review of a place that I did not write down. Oops. I screenshotted the review, but not.

We were just talking about getting one star reviews and then you're like, oh yeah, I didn't even write this down. Yeah. I screenshotted this one on my iPad and I didn't write down the name of it. And I apologize. Too many devices. Yeah. Um, this is written by white

and it is a one-star review of a restaurant in baltimore bad food slow space space space service long wait time on weekends great location very pricey oysters snot on a gritty shelf end of review ew was that a haiku i think so or maybe a couple mashed together um iambic pentameter i just like the the dramatic twist ending, it sounded pretty good so far. Yep, and all the words... At the beginning. Several of them have many spaces in between,

and then it'll still be like a period, but then no space until the next sentence. You really like your punctuation, don't you, over there? I think you're definitely... I mean... That happens... Yeah, you like it. Like is a strong word.

You're... Maybe slight... Obsession is maybe the best word. Yes, you're obsessed with the way people use punctuation. Correct. Yeah. How many enters, how many paragraphs, how many spaces. I feel like it really says a lot about the reviewer.

It does. It can change it for sure. It can change someone's understanding of what they're writing. They wrote slow in all capital letters and then put six spaces and then wrote service. You gotta, that is a very. It's poetic. Yeah. And when you use six spaces exactly, that's intentional. You're hitting it over and over again.

That's very intentional. Exactly. So we want to make sure that these reviewers have their true voices heard. Yep. Yep. Sure. Okay. So speaking of reviewers i have one great it goes by the name of segue name of tony okay this is a captain james crab house okay

that's important captain james crab house one star went may 13th, 2018. Your favorite. My favorite. See, those are the ones I like. Ordered all-you-can-eat crabs. I don't see how anyone can say they are the best place in Baltimore to get steamed crabs. They had no flavor at all. I had to scrape the seasoning from the shell to get any crab seasoning on any crab meat. I was bored after the first round of crabs.

Will not be going back to Captain Lame Farmhouse. End of review. What was it? Captain James... Crabhouse. See, I told you. Captain Lame Farmhouse. You remembered it.

Captain Lame Farmhouse. So good. Yeah. Wow, you really got him. You got him good. I found the wittiest reviewer you did in baltimore i take back my punctuation yeah you found a poet i found a comedian oh we're gonna fill what is that song i don't i'm a midnight toker

steve miller band you know i'm a'm a poet. That's not how it goes. Okay. Are you thinking about Atlantis by Donovan? Perhaps that's what I was. Fill a whole boat with them. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, welcome back to reality, everybody.

I have a review of Angie's Seafood. This is a one-star review by Kelly. It's actually a tragedy. Uh-oh. It's a tragic story. A tragic tale. So, now I have... set in baltimore yes it's very wire what like the wire um sure and also very edgar allen poe you know like just a very dark tale dark and twisted so i'll read this to you now like okay like dead people

or people buried alive and dead cats and walls. Pretty much on that same level. Okay. Okay. Went to Angie's Seafood to celebrate my sister's 40th birthday. Waitress was nice. Food was good. But they kept giving us virgin drinks when we asked for alcohol.

She's over there drinking a beer. So no wonder she felt this so tragic me oh yeah yeah i uh i find that hard to i mean i'm sure it happens but like they kept doing it i'm like they want to make money right i don't think that that's bizarre willingly i've never heard that's very interesting that's a bizarre yeah it's a weird twist so we brought our own cake and a cake topper that said, 40th and blessed! Can't wait for that. 10 episodes from now, we'll get a cake.

40th and blessed! We're on 30th and things are okay. We'll see how it goes in the next 10. Up in the air. They lost the cake topper. It was a brand new cake topper i had ordered it specifically for this occasion of course you had it says 40 i hope so okay sorry i ordered it 10 years ago hoping i'd need it i've used it every year It was a brand new cake topper. I ordered it specifically for this occasion.

They said they would take the cost off the bill, but it doesn't make up for the topper not being on my sister's cake. You simply don't get these experiences back. Sorry. It is upsetting when someone makes stupid mistakes sometimes i'm sorry just doesn't cut it end of review well that's why they also gave you money yeah exactly i also like that um they brought the cake topper to the restaurant and then the restaurant was like oh we lost it how did that yeah that is actually a good question i also found the cake like i would be pretty annoyed because

it's like one thing how do you let that happen i wonder if they dropped it or like in in with the crabs or something oh that would be interesting okay i'm looking up the okay they are about 12 bucks on amazon oh see well except, well, I told you it's a tragedy. Well, except they all say 40 years blessed. 40, what is it? 40 years and blessed? Well, 40, well, there's 40 years blessed, 40 and blessed, 40 and fabulous, 100 years blessed. Can you imagine if they lost the 40?

40 and fabulous? Now, if they had lost that, that would be Shakespearean level. Shakespearean. Gosh. Anyway. But Oig would have been involved. I'm really... He would have been the villain in that tragedy.

I just, I'm glad I warned you. About what? That tragic tale that I just told. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of forgot that you said that. I wanted to make sure everyone was in the right mindset to hear it. And not, you know. I'm never in a good mindset when I'm sitting here.

Giovanni's my little footstool. Hi, oink. Okay, your turn. Let me take a picture so I can give the... Oh, never mind. He went down. Gio, look at me. You look so cute in this bandana.

I know. If you want to see Gio in a bandana... Who's Andy? Patreon. You guys will see it soon well okay all right your turn i got one from uh nick's fish house this is from steve one star okay i don't know where nick's fish house is end of review what i don't know what is that like that thing of probably google was like how was your experience? Google needs to get...

I love those, though. I'm never going to get sick of those. Oh, my God. They're the best. Especially when they like write it out completely. Like, I don't know where Nick's fish house is. Like, they're like, I'll take the time to... So, why would they bother?

They think... It's like... I wonder if some of these people think that it's an actual human being writing to them. Oh, and they're responding. Saying, how was your experience? Yeah. Perhaps. Whatever.

Like, is this my grandson? Nathan, I told you to get off of my MacBook. Macintosh. My Macintosh. Okay. Okay. This is a review of the Thames Street Oyster House. Oh, sounds fancy.

I know. One star from Pat. Pat did not think so. Mm-mm. Pat says, I bought dog food for my dog. The price was too high and it made my dog sick. I called and talked to the guy running the place and he was rude and nasty to me. Do not buy dog food from this place

end of review I did not need him to tell me that in order to not buy dog food from there listen Pat has is that a mistake or do they actually sell dog food they do not as far as I can tell sell dog food unless you like to feed your dog raw seafood is that frowned upon I would think that maybe it's a unless you like to feed your dog raw seafood. Is that frowned upon?

I would think that maybe it's a very expensive way to live your life. That's true. But I don't know beyond. Listen, we live in LA. People feed their pets all sorts of things. But I imagine maybe raw seafood is not the way to go. Mercury rich diet. I don't know.

I do say that's good for the coat and nails. Anyway, that's Pat for the coat and nails anyway that's pat for you classic pat classic pat classic pat and his dog jumbo jumbo mumbo jumbo are you right i am you sure are your turn you want you want something from kenneth literally always yes well thankfully for you, Kenneth wrote a one-star review of Maryland Blue Crab House. That sounds good. I mean, not the one star. Probably not after I hear this. Well. We'll give it a shot.

Let's give it a shot. How can you buy crabs without seeing them first? How can you try to sell someone something without them being able to see them? And tell me that the crabs are the same size as the pictures and you aren't going to show me anything physically? Really bad customer service. Would you buy a house, car, or anything without seeing it?

And I tell you that the things that you want looks just like the picture and I can't show you anything but that. Unbelievable. End of review. What the fuck? So I would like to answer one of these questions. Please.

I'm going to truncate it a bit, but they said, would you buy anything without seeing it I'm gonna tell you Kenneth I've bought plenty of things many that I didn't see beforehand I think a majority of the things I've bought I have not seen beforehand in fact most times going to a restaurant I didn't see what it looked like before I ordered it valid and he said pictures don't count exactly like so you could have a whole picture book full of menu items yeah wouldn't be enough for kenneth kenneth has high high standards that is insane to me

i also especially like because a lot of these are like you buy the crabs at the half dozen or the dozen right what are they gonna show you each single crab and you honestly that sounds like what they expected oh my well i like so the beginning the first half i thought we were going like an sat question route like can you buy can a person buy this if the ratio of crabs to people i was just very don't don't don't i was trying to get into that don't write don't write sat questions as a career please hey for the sake of all those students out there just testing it out man oh no that was a doozy of a question just too difficult for me that's all but like going from talking about crabs yeah to suddenly saying well would you buy a house without seeing it if if you if you have if your crabs are the same level as your house i mean more power to you for having that level for having that level of respect for crabs or that level of disrespect for housing.

But, man, I think he would be the only one in the world who would feel that way. He literally said crabs and then he's like, cars and houses. Like, that's not... No, of course I wouldn't buy a house without seeing it first. He must be a pain in the ass to get into an argument with. I know, right? Can you imagine? Like, all of these rhetorical questions, you're like, no, of course not.

Would you do that to a house? Would you do that to a person? It's a crab, Kenneth. Would you cook a human alive? It's a metaphor. Then why would you cook a crab alive? God. Kenneth, I wouldn't cook a human at all.

Okay. Okay. That's Kenneth's SAT prep for you. That steamed me up. Oh, my God. I'm boiling. Stop it. Before I crack you in the head.

Oh. Huh. Sal and Son's Seafood. Claire, one star. Ordered one dozen cooked blue crabs by phone, went to pick up and they had sold our order, was very upset as

we had plans for those crabs. That never happened. Oh, wow. What the fuck? Kenneth probably came in and pointed at those specific crabs and said, those are mine now.

Now that I can see them. Hmm. Plans with crabs. Sounds like a fun Saturday night. I hate the sound of that. Oh boy. We have plans for those crabs. Some people are just crazy about these. I mean, like, some of these

reviews I've read, like, what? Oh yeah. Like, people are so like just crazy about these i mean like some of these reviews i've read like what oh yeah like people are so like the amount of one-star reviews were insane and they were all just like very critical of these crabs in depth i mean maryland i guess oh yeah they don't they don't joke around with this no it was yeah people were very very critical of the different crabs they they ate yeah um i feel like it would be like a juice store a juice shop in la or something like exactly just like the hemp they use is not up to par i don't know um that's that was that were you was that the one you rode wrote last week yeah that's actually one of my sat prep questions ratio of hemp seeds to crab claws it's a whole thing ew oh god okay that's getting gross sorry all right i've got another one of uh maryland blue crab house fantastic but this is from uh delisa one star not a lot of other options

for those with seafood allergies we were having a family dinner and I'm the only one allergic to seafood. Delisa, you need a new family. They clearly don't give that much of a crap about your well-being. I didn't eat because I really had no options. The service was very slow. End of review. Delisa. Why are you going to a crab?

I mean, granted, if you're with their family, that's different. How horrible. No, Delisa, you are you going to a crab... I mean, granted, if they're a family, that's different. Why are you reviewing... How horrible... No, Delisa, you'll be fine. Why are you reviewing a crab house and giving it one star if you went in... I know why. ...knowingly having seafood allergies? I know why.

Tell me. Because they're sitting at the table and their whole family's eating crab claws. They've got nothing else to do. What else are they supposed to do? That's actually a good point. They ran out of Candy Crush Lies. And Toon Blast. True.

So it's time to bring Yelp. They went through all of it. God damn. That's actually a good point. They ran out of Candy Crush Lies. And Toon Blast. True. So it's time to bring Yelp. They went through all of it. God damn. That's sad. I was reading through other reviews and people were talking about their chicken. Like, their other... Like, they had other... At this place?

Yes. Oh my gosh. So they did have options. And they admitted there were options. They said not a lot of other options. Oh, but they still didn't eat. And then they said, I didn't eat because I really had no options. Of course you did.

Well, all right. Now you're just being dramatic. Get the sides. Shit. Those places have the best sides. Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese, biscuits, hush puppies. Potato salad.

I mean, come on. Hush puppies. Yeah, right? You could eat vegetarian at a place like that and just get full and happy. That's how I feel about barbecue now that I don't eat meat. I only eat seafood. Mac and cheese. Yeah, I don't care. I'll still go because there's so much good shit to eat.

I would love a crab cake, though. That sounds good. Okay, I have a review. It's my turn, right? Okay, so this... We're venturing over to... Away from baltimore well-known place called the crab claw yay alexander and i as we mentioned last episode um were bullied by a small child there when we were small children we had great times there as well i still remember it

so vividly that like downstairs outdoor section. So I remembered all the seating locations. So when they would describe where they were sitting, I was like, I remember that spot. That's where Maximilian told us that he one time saved his parents' lives on a train in Mumbai. I think that we don't have that many times that we spent with him no but he has completely invaded every memory you have of that area i did it is it's true it's kind of scaring me because that's not how i see the crab claw i don't think of him at all when i think of the crab claw oh really yeah not at all oh i do okay well here we go stacy c also talked about maximilian it's not just me no that's not true stacy c gave the crab claw he still he

works there he never left we forgot dad dad forgot to put him in the car and uh he's never left yep couldn't find his way back to mumbai okay he's not from mumbai he's from left. Yep. Couldn't find his way back to Mumbai. Okay. He's not from Mumbai. He's from Germany. So I don't know. That was very clear. Yeah, this is all very clear to these people. I meant it was clear to us.

Just ignore her. Let's move on. Okay. This is a one-star review from Stacy. This is only about how we were treated. We weren't able to eat there as I was extremely uncomfortable after I absorbed what happened. Wait, they weren't allowed to eat there because she was uncomfortable after absorbing too much from her surroundings? Yes.

Okay. Correct. I'm with you. I'm glad you follow i was extremely uncomfortable after i absorbed what happened from the time we entered to the time we made it to our table we came in yesterday afternoon and were treated with a surly how can i help you no god. Instead of a pleasant, how many for lunch? What? That's the most specific complaint. The next sentence is, off-putting.

No, it's not. How can I help you? Versus, how many for lunch? I mean, sure, if it was like, how can I help you? Versus like, how many for lunch? Don't do that again. You're like that. That was off-putting.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. Okay, we're learning a lot about what I'm not good at today, Alexaner. Thanks a lot. Can't be a hostess. Okay. Off-putting. As we were walked to our table, I heard a woman literally yelling across the restaurant to, quote, get that kid's hand out of the ice.

Get that kid's hand out of the ice. I'm assuming my five-year-old put his hands in the open ice container. I'm not going gonna take any responsibility but i'm assuming my five-year-old put his hands in the open ice container as we walked by we didn't see that but i get it it's not acceptable what's also not acceptable is to embarrass us to the entire restaurant and then not even acknowledge my apology? Why yell repeatedly, not accept my apology, or even smile and brush past us so rudely? I do apologize that you had to get up

to remove all the ice where he may have laid his hands. I'm serious about that. I'm also serious in that the way you present yourself to the customers can make or break a dining experience. Smile, be nice nice roll with it when things go wrong it's the restaurant business after all stop we won't try again and we will share our experience end of review the most condescending obnoxious thing their child my my kid he did something he shouldn't have done hands into the fucking where

the food goes ice container that is that is not they didn't have to remove they probably to throw away all the ice yeah they didn't take a couple tweezers and just pick out specific ice things where his grubby little hands left marks god damn i know people are very uh i don't know not very self-aware sometimes i get it it's not acceptable the way that they wrote that was not okay how could you embarrass me okay anyway okay oh my god what tell me who's maximilian that was honestly probably me sticking his grubby hands in the ice container that That was something I would do. I mean, they don't call you the bad boy of podcasting for nothing. True. Or at all, really.

Stop. Okay, your turn. That's not true. I call myself that. Okay. I have a review of Bay Island Seafood from Kate. Katie. One star.

The worst crabs I ever had in my life oh that must hurt what get it oh my god we almost made it through all the reviews without a joke like that teens put on your earmuffs i'm just maximilian put on your earmuffs leave him out this. He's not in this memory or this review. Why are you protecting Max? No, I have no... I don't remember him, like, at all. Except for two things. Go on.

So he's not that important to me. The worst crabs I ever had in my life. I am a real crab eater. And I absolutely cannot believe they sold us this bag of pure trash oh if I didn't live so far I would have went back because this was unacceptable on all levels never again end of review I am a real crab eater I am a real crab eater no i what the there were a lot of people who were like and i know crabs i hated that it's like it's fucking maryland why don't you own your open your own crab shack you all know or you all know crabs we get it yeah um that's her motto we all know crabs

you get it you get it i get it now by the way after all this after this holy shit these i learned a lot crazy about crabs crazy about crap that's our bumper sticker motto that's my next restaurant i'm crazy about crabs okay this is rosemary's review of the crab claw we're still there i'm glad i'm never gonna leave mentally i've been traumatized i'm excited to go back someday. For three years in a row, I've eaten at the Crab Claw, and it has always been lousy. In the 60s and 70s, I used to dock my cabin cruiser under the Crab Claw. It was great back then.

Yeah, us too. Yeah, me too. My cabin cruiser, man man it's probably still down there good old days well yeah we didn't really know how to start it so it's still there it was more of a crash than a docking but it's that's neither here nor there i was there wednesday august 8th 2018 at 11 a.m the waitress said she was new and didn't know a lot. I'm new and I don't know a lot.

I doubt that that's how that went. That's how we should start every episode. That's actually on my business card. We're new, we don't know a lot. It's a really great open-ended umbrella to cover yourself. I ordered six raw cherry stone clams and six medium hard shelled

crabs she dumped the basket of crackers and then just picked them up and put them in the basket many packets had gotten smashed now this means that they were saltine crackers in plastic and they spilled out of the basket and then she put them back in the basket yeah apparently this was unacceptable behavior oh lordy this woman knows saltines i mean she was on her cabin cruiser cabin cruiser yep tried to come up with a pun it didn't work she got she got lost lost at sea survived off saltines for like three weeks i heard. She made them out of salt. Sorry. Okay.

All right. Delete that. Okay. She was new. Okay. She didn't know a lot. Not at all. She dumped the basket of crackers and just picked them up and put them back in the basket. Many packets had gotten smashed.

She came out with steamed clams and the crabs. I said, I ordered raw clams. She said, aren't these raw? So maybe she doesn't know a lot. It sounds like she doesn't know anything. To be fair, she already warned her. Yep. I asked for a crab bib,

and she said she didn't know if they had any. It's a crab house for Pete's sake. She finally found one. Good thing I brought my own crab utensils. Oh no! I'm pretty sure I kept this one just for that life. Yeah. Good thing I brought my own crab utensils

as she didn't bring any. She also didn't bring a bucket for the crab shells. She just put a brown paper bag on the floor and said, use that. Okay, that sounds pretty bad. People kicked it and stepped on it i think this person's being a little dramatic yeah what yeah what where did where is this bag placed why are people kicking it people kicked it and stepped on it no roll of

paper towels i got one paper napkin seriously she filled my water glass and just put water in no ice they hire young people that have no idea how to cook steam seafood or be a waitress last time there i got the steamed bucket of seafood it was like seafood jerky you could not eat any of it and they still charged me for it if you complain they just say i'm new here which again loving that absorbing that taking that stealing that i've written to the restaurant and managers there and get no reply i come down several times a summer with a busload of people what keep in mind where did she get these people you don't want to know oh no they're in her cabin cruiser under the dock oh swimming with the fishes okay stop continue i mean keep in mind the first sentence was i've eaten here for three years and

it's always lousy which i'm like there is clearly as we've learned no shortage of crab restaurants in maryland yeah but she also said that she ate here in the 60s and 70s or something. Oh, true. So I don't know what year she thinks it is. Oh, that's a good point. I don't know. That's a good point. I've written to the restaurant managers there probably because she's writing, like, wax-sealed letters. Yes. Instead of, like, well, I guess she figured out how to use Yelp.

I come down several times this summer with a busload of people. All have problems with the food and service here if you like seafood jerky dried out seafood and lousy service on high prices crab claw is your place to go three years of lousy meals so three strikes and they are off our list of places to eat end of review god she brought a busload of people three years running and her own crap utensils what if they all did oh can you imagine them coming off the bus with their little crackers honestly that sounds like a nightmare for the restaurant those people yuppie yeah i'm not gonna bring up max you just did okay okay um i have one more It's, let's say it's a redemption.

Oh, okay. It's a five-star review. You say that very half-heartedly. Because it's something we need to talk about. Uh-oh. It's of Martini's Crab House and Bar. Love that. This place has only seven reviews.

Doesn't seem very, well, let me just read it. This is by Sean. Five stars. Doesn't seem very... Well, let me just read it. This is by Sean. Five stars. One of the best places to go to find out what dope is good. Huh?

Also, a good place to buy or sell hot items. End of review. What? Yep. Is this what Yelp has become? What? A place for hooligans? Let's find out what the good dope is.

Yeah. It's probably freaking Rosemary. She thinks she's in the 70s still. Oh, that's it. Oh, my God. Yeah, so... Tell me you saved that person's profile. Dope is one thing.

But it could also mean another thing. What does that mean? In Appalachia, dope is another word for soda. Or pop for you, other people. Baltimore is famously part of the Appalachian Mountain Trail, huh? No. But,

who knows where Sean is from. So what they do is they take their dope and they put it in a poke. Yeah, I'm pretty sure we've talked about this on the show before. They go ball hooting over yonder to drink that dope. Sure. So I think that's what Sean's referring to. As for buying and selling hot items, that sounds like things that have been stolen.

That does. That one's hard to get around. Yeah, i can't i can't cover please tell me you've checked sean's profile and seen if every place he races whether or not it's good for figuring out what dope to get um yeah i totally did that let me just you did it out sooner come on what have you learned from this show i don't know i saw that i saw that um his profile picture was of uh someone potentially him with uh the joker face mask or face paint on oh hiding his identity i kind of didn't want to click on anything else alexander you do it for the people do it for the pod hashtag do it for the pod trademark trademarkhtag do it for the pod. Trademark, trademark, trademark. Well, Sean also reviewed Bass Pro Shops in Hanover, Maryland.

Really good place, by the way, to sell hot items and buy dope. One star. A monument to murdering animals. I would never shop there. End of review. Are you serious? Yep. Wow, this guy is multifaceted.

Reviewed a church five stars. Oh. And had good things to say about the priest. Very well-rounded individual, I suppose. Yeah. Oh, reviewed Cracker Barrel. No. Yep.

Five stars. Good breakfast spot. I like the gift shop. Oh, me too, Sean. Sean, you're so relatable. Yeah. So... You and your drug ways. Okay, me too, Sean. Sean, you're so relatable. Yeah. So... You and your drug ways.

Okay, hold on, hold on. Here's famous pawnbrokers in Baltimore, Maryland. Write on the dope strip so you can sell or pawn your stuff and be high in a matter of minutes. I like that aspect. Plus, yo, who works there is chill. End of review. Oh my god. What was that place?

Famous Pawnbrokers. I'm learning so much about Baltimore. Yep. We should go back. I'm going to not go with you. Why? Someone go with me. No, don't do that. Pretty please that please don't listen to her okay so yeah

wowza so i mean okay if anyone we can just leave it if anyone out there wants to uh pick up a few hot eyes we are not gonna suggest that to anyone i would say don't do it yes this is where i was going with that thank god give us another review do you have the crab it's my turn yeah this is your last one um yes thank god this is another review of the crab claw thank god one star by doc three small children were running around speaking german and no just kidding stop with this bullshit i keep getting out that time I was like oh shit no you did your eyes widened okay I'm just I'm JK I'm joshing with you stop joshing me doc says one star check my page I have written 600 reviews and I rarely have done this table

next to us got bread and crackers right away We got nothing but asked and she threw two corn muffins on our table five minutes later. What? Dinner came. We asked for tartar sauce. Nope, not happening. Till we asked a busboy who got it immediately. So, the server named Amanda comes by, asks, is everything alright? I say to her, did I do something to piss you off?

Cause you have literally left us hanging. P.S. Every time he says you, it's the letter U. And cuz is always C-U-Z. Did I do something to piss you off? Because you have literally left us hanging. P.S. Every time he says U, it's the letter U. And cuz is always C-U-Z. I already could tell. Please picture that this is a 7th grader in 2002 writing this for you. Okay. She says, manager gave me tables upstairs and downstairs.

I'm busy. Whoa! So now dinner over. She comes by every five minutes to see how we were doing We get the check in Cause I'm a nice guy I give her 22 bucks on an $89 bill Color me impressed I know

What a nice guy That's what I always say about Doc If there's nothing else he's a nice guy But I write on the check you didn't deserve this 22 tip so that's my review i know this eatery is a popular tourist place and i know they won't give a damn about my review but that's the story they have their track record i have mine the fuck let me say it again why

they have their track record i have mine read my reviews and say no to amanda and the crab claw. Oh. End of review. Just say no. Just say no to, oh my God. The dope and the crab claw. This is a really dare heavy episode we have going on here. Oh, Jesus. Dare to resist the crab claw. Why? So the $22 tip or percent tip.

It says you with the letter U. You didn't deserve this 22% tip. It says you with the letter U. You didn't deserve this 22% tip. She didn't give a shit about whether or not you felt she deserved it. To be fair, he said they won't give a damn. Yeah. At least he's self-aware in that regard. At least he tipped well.

Fuck. I think that's the most important thing. Okay. He said he tipped well. Let's make that clear. No, because that's the thing is he wanted to be righteous. So he tipped well and to say like clear no because that's the thing is he wanted to be righteous so he wanted to say like look i tip well but i still write sassy messages on there to make it clear how nice of a guy i am yeah like literally like oh look i took the high road what a jerk i

hate that i know yeah but i am glad he took the high road in, well, what he sees as the high road. For Amanda's sake, I'm glad she got a tip. I hope she took that $22, put it in Roth IRA. Roth IRA. We're trying to give good advice here. We are. We're grown up adults now. Yep. We don't make questionable decisions.

Speaking of good advice, would you like me to read some of my challenge reviews? Please. By all means. My challenge was to find a review of a police station written by someone who was arrested. Oh, man. Okay. Let me just say, I'm going to get this out of the way. A lot of upsetting reviews.

Oh, no. Believe it or not, there are many issues in this country with no police officers yes you don't say yeah i do say um hot take i know hot take really disrupting the industry here with that statement but let's just say i tried to avoid those thank you this lighter thank you um so let me give you what i got it took a while okay but i found a few this first one is of the san diego police department written by robert it's a one-star review i'm starting it off with this one because um this one didn't totally fit the challenge they wrote the review about their girlfriend who got arrested. Got it.

Okay. So not quite themselves, but I wanted to throw it in there. Okay. So I had a little more than two reviews. Got it. These cops arrested my GF because she called the cop a pussy. She did nothing wrong and just laughed because a cop disrespected our friend because he has no life.

End of review. These are the kind of episodes of cops that I love where it's like oh yeah oh my goodness yeah calm down yeah it's like i'm not saying that a cop automatically is going to be a good person but just don't why why like you know what's going to happen if you call if you you just fuck around on purpose. Yeah. Whatever. I don't know. I mean, I do love that, like, they just use this as an excuse to make fun of their friend.

Like, they just had to make fun of their friend in the Yelp review. He has no life. Oh, I was figuring they meant the cop had no life. Oh, I thought they said they made fun of him. Well, it's not very well written. Can you say it again? She did nothing wrong and just laughed because a cop disrespected our friend because he has no life. Oh, my God.

Did you mishear that? Oh, wait. So the cop disrespected the friend, and I assume he means because the cop has no life. Oh, I thought he was dissing his friend. You know what? Either way. I think by putting that in there, it's also a diss to the friend. Valid.

So let's just leave it at that. Oh, boy. What a diss to the friend. Valid. So let's just leave it at that. Oh boy, what a time they had. What an evening. Well, Dylan also reviewed the San Diego Police Department. Okay, San Diego. But this was a five-star review. Okay. Been arrested by these guys a few times.

Gotta say, the last officer that arrested me had some wheels. I was dipping and dashing. He didn't lose a step. I'm gonna need that rematch and a review. Oh my god! This is not a Hot Wheels CD-ROM. I was like, what's a racing game? I've played that within the past few years.

I downloaded it online. I got another version of it and I played it because I missed it. Did any of you play the Hot Wheels CD-ROM? Anyway, what I'm saying is we can't go living our lives like that's our reality, you know? Well, I don't think that this had anything to do with cars. I thought he did. He had wheels and he was fast. But he said he was like...

By the way, it's Hot Wheels Stunt Track Driver. What a great game. Sorry, so he had wheels, he was dipping and diving and what? I thought that's what he said. Listen, I'm not up with the lingo. You're not up with the lingo. So they said, Gotta say the last officer that arrested me had some wheels.

I was dipping and dashing. He didn't lose a step. Oh, you're right. So he was running. So he was running. The cop didn't lose a step. This isn't the Olympic CD-ROM. I'm trying to think of running.

I did have like the Winter Olympic CD-ROM. From a cereal box. Nope. Oh. It's from our grandfather. He bought that for that for me oh nice of him cd-rom oh my god from a cereal box you had those like that weird cat and crunch like uh-huh those creatures oh what a good time you guys weird flashbacks i don't like this um are you ready for another one please um this one i don't know who it's by, but it's a five-star review. And this is of the LAPD Northeast Community Police Station. So we're staying in SoCal, I see.

Yeah, I don't know why. I didn't specifically look around here, but that's where I found them. Clean cells, quick booking process, washed ink off my fingers before they threw me in a holding cell. Well, actually, I say threw simply for action. It was more like carefully escorted into my cell. I was provided with meals, no charge, my own personal lavatory and washing station. I highly recommend getting arrested.

And ladies totally frisked at this location. You won't be disappointed definitely come in here instead of throwing my hard-earned money downtown at the club and a review what this person is friends with that guy who wrote the dope review where they're just like so positive and they're talking they're like what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of here oh man i'm gonna write the dopest yelp review they're like i cannot wait to get my hands back on my phone i have to go download yelp oh my god this is where i think it's perfect when they have those reaction buttons so everyone can write this is cool yeah this one got well so the one where that was dipping and dashing yep dylan got five funnies and that's it dylan good look at that funny man the next one got

three usefuls two funnies their lavatories are just wait one cool that was you right yeah i love i love these i love these this is what i was looking for i know you had to dig through a lot of sadness it was mostly yeah most of the reviews were like they arrested me on false charges exactly yes um i went to report someone also it was a lot of because i tried to search for like arrested and a lot of it was like oh yeah i went in for a domestic violence thing and they wouldn't arrest them and it was okay yeah i guess i hadn't fully uh thought that one through and i apologize well guess what we got through it got through it. Thank you. We got through it. That was good. I liked the ones that you showed.

It wasn't that bad. I'm being dramatic. Okay, what else is new? That's what we do here. So dramatic, am I right? Wowza. Thank you. That was illuminating. Alright, so before we go into our theme and challenge for next week, we want to

just discuss with you that youtube video that we released last week alexander's a bully much like maximilian it's called world's worst party um it's on our youtube channel i needed revenge for my bowl cut and i got it he did get it it's i threw the world's worst party for Christina over there. And I had a blast. She had less of a blast. You filled a pinata with beans. So yeah, if you haven't watched that, go to YouTube and just search for Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, and you'll find our YouTube channel.

And we hope you enjoy it, because I enjoyed it. Someone has to. Yeah, I enjoyed it a lot. And it ate me. And before we go into the theme, I've decided I'm going to read a few YouTube comments from some wonderful people. Okay.

So here's one from Katie. Punctuation is important in this one. You'll like it. Okay. Me, colon, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Literally no one, colon, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Alexander, the bad boy of podcasting, colon. Hold my non-alcoholic beer and watch me fill a piñata with baked beans.

End of comment. That exactly describes the video, by the way. Jackie says, Alexander, please be a daily vlogger. I think YouTube is your calling. Oh, God. Here we go. I loved that one, obviously. Do not give him any ideas, people.

Oh, I'm into it. I agree. I think it is my calling. Sam says, many ideas people oh i'm into it i i agree i think it is my calling sam says i quite literally screamed when the picture of geo pooping came on my screen five stars if that doesn't convince you to watch i don't know what will i know that's that's the fun thing is like you get a little a little taste from these comments and you're like what the fuck are they talking about and by the end of the video you still don't know what the fuck is going on uh-huh that's that's a good point that's a good point um there's another one from i guess alexandria okay you can feel angst from

christine's old photos you can and you get to see some old very very angsty photos. Okay, I have one more. They're out of my shoddily cut bangs. Just beautiful. This last one is from Tori. It's a comment. People say art is relative. To me, this is art. Unsuspecting dogs get covered in beans.

Alexander makes out with Jello while simultaneously terrorizing a village. How could you not be moved? End of comment. I hate this. I hate this so much. It was horrible. Good time. So yeah, we would love it if you checked out our YouTube channel.

Just search for Beach2Sandy. If you have any ideas for videos in the future, email us at beach2sandy at gmail.com with your ideas because we're open to them because right now we have nothing planned. Yeah, come on. Listen to your brilliant mind. Yeah, please.

Give us some things to work with here because we are lazy. Tell us what to do. All right, so... Time for the theme right so time for the theme what's our theme for next week fantastico okay this theme um comes from britney you seem unsure of that no i'm not unsure of that this theme you pause comes from britney i sound very confident okay this comes from britney it's an email um and she wrote hey she for madness which obviously caught my eye yeah so her she is i believe from arkansas okay

and her theme idea is uh she came with up with a couple but i picked local breweries in little rock arkansas oh i like that it's a good one Yeah, I haven't done Arkansas. She for madness! So that's that. Thank you, Brittany. Breweries in Little Rock. Little Rock. Little Rock is what I like to call them. So thank you, Brittany. It will be very exciting. What is my challenge?

It's actually a listener challenge as well. Okay. This is from Sean and Sean. Sean and Sean. Spelled differently. S-H-A-N and S-H-A-W-N. Of course. a listener challenge as well okay this is from sean and sean sean and sean spelled differently s-h-a-n and s-h-a-w-n of course but from them both um s-h-a-n what one is spelled s-h-a-n got it the other is s-h-a-w-n got it um so they have this to say my My dearest Christine and Alex. I say dearest because after 26 weeks of our quote get togethers, you two have become very dear to my boyfriend and I. Thank you for bringing us content that gives us constant laughter, cringes and tears from laughter. Obviously, you make our car rides more enjoyable. And we always look forward to Christine's outbursts of guffaws and alex's asmr voice oh god week after week stop it um so anyway uh or i'll have an outburst they actually gave

some good jail reviews but i decided to find my own as a uh challenge because it was more of like a challenge thing you guys are trying to get them but cheat. But anyway. No, they actually sent that before. Oh. I think. Yeah. So anyway, here is your challenge. You have to find a theme park review where the reviewer confuses attractions for a different theme park. So they gave the example of being angry that they couldn't find the Harry Potter attraction at Disneyland. Oh, my. Because that's at Universal.

Oh, my gosh this is gonna be it might be tough it might be tough but i feel like there are so many big ones that i could probably just search within okay anyway yeah i'm getting down into the details but ali and i just went to universal for the first time had a blast it's a great place um magical i'll have some more dope dope photos with my minions my minions and my other universal characters um on my instagram i'm excited for those already haven't planned but anyway thank you um yeah there's some good there's yeah to sean squared are you sure it's sean not shan at the end they said kudos prosciuttos. Oh, that's fun.

I like that. Sean and Sean parentheses, both pronounced the same. Okay, good. Just checking from Orlando, Florida. Okay.

Thank you guys. Thank you guys. And we will be back with some more nightmares next week. Yeah. Enjoy your, your sweet dreams. Enjoy your time off of our voices. Or just re-listen to this until that point.

Oh, God. All right. Bye, everybody. Bye, everyone.