Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 309: Halloween Extravaganza

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

This week's episode is hosted by Cryptine Schiefear and Alexandirt Bansheefer Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch clips of your favorite moments!��https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Take a look at this merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me I wanted to like this podcast but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Bong rip! Hello, hello! Bongin, bongin, bongin. Metal bongin. Yay! Ayyyy. Yummy.

Metal, metal, ayyyy. Confused. Hello and welcome to the Halloween extravaganza. My name is Zandy. My name is Krypteen She-Fear Oh that was a lot. That used to be my Twitter name Weren't you gonna change it every like make a new one? I was and then Elon took me off of Twitter so fucking Do I do you have one for me?

The Zandman. Sounds like I sell Xanax in the alley or something. Zandman sounds like sand man. True. Mr. Zandman. That's horror. Yes. Yeah, told you. You could do She-Fear.

That's a given. I don't want to, I'm okay without that one. Yeah, this is tough. I need some time to think because I feel like I was put on. I thought you'd come prepared, my bad. Well, I was put on the spot and I thought you'd come prepared, so. No, I wouldn't.

Well, Oksanar, I thought you would become prepared with your own name and here I am, stuck trying to figure out Alex Candy. Candy corn I Like candy corn Alex candy what like in Alexander I just call me candy instead of Xandie like every phone autocorrect already does anyway You know that that kind of works. I guess so I'm gonna try to come up with something clever, but you know, you really put me on the spot Yeah, so my bad anyway

Thanks for coming today. We're doing a Halloween episode. I'm really excited. We got quite a few submissions From our patrons and I think we have I have at least quite a variety. Let's just put it that way I do as well. I think. Do you want me to start with a classic? We got a Ouija board review that Jess sent in. Yes. The one star review. Have I read this one before? Maybe. It was, it was written on September 21st of last year. It's none of my business. So, okay, someone's gonna be mad if I do. Not mad, but if I have.

You'll see why I asked that. Well, that person needs stuff to post to go talk to somebody. I'm projecting probably. This person I just made up in my mind. Here is a one-star review of a Ouija board. One of my favorite kind of reviews, okay. You're in for a rough episode, Christina. I'm sorry to say. I'm just realizing it now. I felt the air shift. Okay. This is not a game.

Rather, it is actually a way of summoning demons. Do not be deceived and stay far away from this item and anything else related to the occult. The Lord Jesus Christ is the only Savior. Only by trusting in Him can we be fully protected from demonic influences and know that we possess eternal life. Jesus died on the cross to pay our sin debt in full, was buried and rose again. First Corinthians. No one can be saved by- Oh my God, imagine if he was actually buried. Whoa, like a zombie? Like under the ground, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would suck because then we'd never know about Jesus and stuff.

You don't think he'd be able to get out? That's why I'm shocked. I really don't. How do you think he'd push that boulder aside? I found an angel that did that. Do you think that was more diff- I don't think so. I don't know. I don't maybe. I feel like some paintings have shown it that way. Who pushed the rock away from Jesus's tomb?

I mean, I don't think he physically did, I guess, but like... An angel of the Lord! My bad. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't touch you. Oh my God. Wait. Hold on. hold on. This is good. Bible break. Okay, this says, Gospel of Matthew 28. Oh, sorry, if you're new here, every few minutes, I scream Bible break and we read stuff from Catholic.com.

Okay, this says, and behold, there was, this is Matthew 28, obviously, and behold, there was a great earthquake for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled away the stone and sat upon it. Oh, just chilled there. I love that for him. Just like he'd be like leaning up against the shovel after digging him up.

Right. Same kind of vibe. Get a load of this. Get a load of this guys. I feel like the pain just no culturally how things would have changed if Jesus had risen from the ground like Like a zombie would zombies be like good guys like not a terrifying prospect They would probably hate it more because it's like oh, they're just making a mockery of some the only person who did come back from the dead Like don't make it into like a Halloween thing, you know, but isn't it already like that since Jesus came back from the dead and they're all undead. What about Alex Zombie? Alex Zombie from like, I don't know, Christina.

Not yet? Okay. Zandy corn is something I've heard. Zandy corn is hilarious. You've heard that already? That's pretty good. That's clever. What about Alexander dirt, like graveyard dirt?

Would I have to add the parenthetical, like graveyard dirt. Would I have to add the parenthetical like graveyard dirt Alexander dirt of the graveyard? Like if a sheifer could be made into like anything other than like keifer. I think that she fear that's not a thing. I will I don't accept that one Banshee. a thing. I will, I don't accept that one. Banshee. Banshee.

There's something. I feel like- Alice Zombie Banshee for- Man. I don't think there was anything there, but um, where were we? Yeah, you were reading a- Oh, yeah, I'm in the middle of a review. I was in my Bible break. And then you had your Bible break. Are we done?

And then the angel was sitting on the rock and then the shovel because of digging Jesus up and then zombies and then undead and all of this. My back to my name again, that's probably going to be the cycle. Just like the stations of the cross, you know, but within the episode, it's like really meta. Anyway, here's the next sentence. No one can be saved by trying to be a good person or doing any other kind of good works. We receive eternal life as a free gift the moment we trust in Christ alone as our Savior. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have

everlasting life. John 3 16 for by grace Are ye saved through faith and that not of yourselves it is the gift of God not of works lest any man should boast Ephesians and to preview Sorry, I hit my bowl of ramen while I was gesticulating Do you hear that? I heard it, but I didn't think it would be explained quite so poignantly. I hit my bowl of ramen while I was gesticulating.

I just heard someone, the hallway of my apartment building, cough, and I fear that my voice carried a little too much there and someone heard me preaching. Oh, and it made them cough? Yeah, they're like, I hear you, weirdo. Oh, they're like, please keep it down. Yeah, it was more of like a clearing their throat. Oh, I see. Okay.

So that's what I meant. Yeah. Alexander, I really hate anything that you do that requires you to speak like a televangelist. Oh, okay. To evangelist to speak. The long pause there. Oh, it wasn't a pause. It was just a technical lag. I have something called, uh, this is the Hillary Clinton toilet roll talker. Um,

Megan sent this. That took a twist within that title. I know, I know. Hillary Clinton toilet roll talker? Or Zigg and or Zaggen. Yeah, who knows what the hell is happening. What is a talker? Toilet roll talker.

Megan had sent some emails to the main inbox for a challenge you had in the past where people complained that something was haunted. Wait, that's. And this is the Hillary Clinton toilet roll talker, makes regular toilet paper laugh with Hillary's real voice, hilarious gag gift for Hillary and Donald Trump fans. Wow. So it really is across the board, like a stocking stuffer for everyone.

So I'll send you a picture because it's actually like really an upsetting photo. Like it just looks not funny and like really unpleasant and the slogan literally says hear Hillary laugh It's her real voice make your toilet paper talk ha ha ha ha ha What the hell starring Hillary this is bizarre it's really unsettling to me So I also put the toilet paper on wrong they sure did so I Have so the day I moved into my new house

My dad brought over Donald Trump toilet paper that he had been given as a gift and forgot that I already knew that And pretended like he bought it for me but that's just kind of awkwardly like in a cabinet in my downstairs bathroom because it's like basically cardboard paper. Like it's not it's a novelty item. I'm like, I don't really every time I open that cabinet, I see like Donald Trump toilet paper. I don't know what to do with it. OK, here's a two star.

I do want me to want help. Is that why you bring this here? OK. I can't help you. I don't have one nothing to do with that. And also why would anyone want that on their butt? Like regardless of quality. I don't know, I guess that's the joke. Like let's put poop on it, which feels like so unpleasant to think about.

Like let's not take that any further in our thought process. Let's just stop there. This is a two star view. And this is by Heather. It's a verified purchase and It says it won't stop laughing unless you power it off. I think it's haunted. That's the title. I Bought this for the guest bath for a Halloween party first of all wild choice, but also pretty ingenious like That would scare me a laughing toilet paper roll would frighten me if I were at a Halloween party.

I bought this for the guest bath for a Halloween party because I thought it would be really scary. Scares the heck out of me, anyway. And it won't stop. I thought it would only laugh if you pulled the roll, but it laughs incessantly until you turn it off by the power switch. Terrifying. Ten minutes after you leave the bathroom, Hillary is still in there cackling. Too scary, even for Halloween.

End of review. That does sound scary. Don't get me wrong. Like, I will say, I don't think that haunting has to do with it, but you know, maybe, how much does this thing cost? I'll be honest, I have no idea, because. Well, for whatever it is, I'm sure it's not so cheap maybe how much does this thing cost? I'll be honest I have no idea cuz well for

whatever it is I'm sure there's it's not so cheap that it would possibly be faulty I don't know this company paid for a trademark on toilet roll talker the phrase toilet roll talker they have that fully trademarked so I don't know they've got those like commercials with that guy who makes the first wheel or something that little caveman They're like call us with your invention that invention. Oh my god. Wait a minute. Yeah, of course. I know Maybe I'm conflating two commercials, but I thought that was an insurance commercial It might be I might be mixing that up with the I love mix anything up on this show By the way ever just putting that out there. Nobody said you did, stop shouting at me.

Someone did on the internet recently. You must be mixing me up with someone else. But, yeah, you know those, and then there's that one like genius, Einstein, like where you give them your invention idea and then they have to patent it, right? I typed in caveman cartoon commercial during Price is Right. And the first link is invent help caveman commercials.

And 1-800 invention is, and it's this animated caveman who is inventing a rock. And I guess he had- It's terrifying. If only he had invent help. It stays in your brain. Yeah, it does. It's such a waste. It's such a waste.

It's such a waste. What useful thing could have gone there? Maybe something that Trigonometry probably. Brought me joy. Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't that be something? Maybe a life skill or two. A marketable skill at the least. That would be too much. I don't think I could handle having two skills at once. One would be great. Yeah. Well, if we come up with another, we can call it invent help and maybe they can help us trademark it. See, maybe then my my knowledge will come in

handy for once in my life. Toilet roll talker imagine watching Price is Right and calling that number at 8 30 in the morning and being like, I have a great idea. Look, it seemed to work. It seemed to work. My next one was sent in by Taylor, they them who sent this in as a review of like this for this episode, but it was of a EMF reader. Okay.

Okay. So it's would have fit in our last episode, but whatever. I liked it, so I'm using it. Five stars from the Walmart website of the one May ship, something LED, five LED EMF meter magnetic field, ghost hunting paranormal equipment tester, portable counter.

OMG, it works fantastic. I found my first spirit with it the night I got it. The spirit was Jack Daniels with honey and I drank it until I saw ghosts who looked like policemen. Don't remember much more than that. End of review. That's so stupid. I saw ghosts that looked like policemen. If only that big angel would come down and move this rock from in front of my jail cell so I could get out of here. Whoa, the prisoner. Oh my God. Jesus was a prisoner and the guards are the cops. Wait, sorry. That's like a allegory.

Allegory. Yeah, that was beautiful, Christina. Maybe I'll call you. Don't call me anything. Maybe I'll call you. Aesop Schieffer. You know. OK, no, I don't get it, because he told a fable.

I guess like a Nazi, the spider. Nazi spider No, what did you just say a Nancy the spider What is that? What do you mean? What is that? Don't act like you don't know what who a Nancy the spider is Christina stop who is that? Is that the spider from Charlotte's wet? No, that's Charlotte. Who's spider? It's he's a- Creepy Mothman shirts freaking out me out right now while you're talking about this creepy spider Folk tale

So anyway I thought you said a Nazi spider. I'm like what? Oh god. No, that would be That would be so awkward if that is what I said, but it's not okay Here's a review of a black canopy bed frame Four poster bed frame Queen metal and This was also set in by Megan This one's actually a redemption. It has 5 stars. It says, good but haunted. I love this bed frame, easy to put together, no bending or scraps. The only thing is, I

think it's haunted. Ever since I got it I've been experiencing loud bangs and hard taps on my mattress. It's always two taps and just like noises and strange dreams. But other than calling the police because of these weird things, I love my bed frame. Can't wait to decorate it. End of review. Huh? Sounds like it livens up the bedroom. I got some drop the link. I got banged on my bed frame.

Also, like calling the police is a wild choice. Whoa, I don't know why that would jump to that. That's what I was waiting for you to react to and you really didn't. No, I didn't because I thought, you know, just... Other than calling the police, I love my bed frame. It just seems like a... It makes me wonder like, I know that of course the dispatchers get some wild calls, but I just wonder like I...

And I've met a couple dispatchers in my life, but I've never had the chance to really ask what is the wildest, or not wildest, but maybe most random or insignificant 911 call you've received. Because I'm not saying they called 911, I don't know that, but it feels like they are reacting in a not appropriate way to this haunted bed frame. A little exaggerating. My thought, where my brain was going that whole time, was thinking of this bed frame as haunted and wondering where along the process the haunting began according to this reviewer. Do they believe that when it was created, the bed began, according to this reviewer, like do they believe that when it was created,

the bed frame, this is an Amazon product? This presumably cheap. It's a metal bed frame. It's not even like, yeah it is. It's like 100 bucks or 129 bucks. It's just cheap metal, I mean it's fine. It's just like a standard metal, plain black bed frame. I don't, yeah, I don't know if it was like

on the assembly line, I think somebody like had a heart attack as they were knocking to check if it was stable. And then I would like to know when, you know, cause there might be there might, who knows, maybe, maybe it was when they killed that person on their bed and they're like, I guess that so they might actually know why it's haunted. They didn't, they might know. So they were banging someone on the bed and now that person's banging them back in the afterlife.

Yeah. So they could bang together forever. That's so romantic. The dream. Okay. The link for that Amazon bed frame is in the description below. Well, well, well, wait, hold on. Are we going to use my Amazon associates link or yours or affiliate link? I was going to say I'm an affiliate. We use yours like all the time. How about I use mine for the toilet roll talker?

Can I claim that? Yeah. Okay. You can have that's the only thing you get. Okay. Can you imagine if we were to have the bed frame for the affiliate? What if we sell? Imagine if we sell all the products that we read negative reviews about. That's

hysterical to me. It would be so out of control. It would be like blankets with like raccoons and Trump's face and then like a bed frame and then ghost equipment. It would really be like the church camp stuff. I mean, it would be the wildest like combination of Wildest listicle, I guess my brain's going a mile an hour Whoa, that's faster than it's ever gone. Yeah Thinking about all this anyway, this is gonna be great. We're gonna have a great business meeting about this I might have to cut all this because this is a great idea. No. No, I already called Invent help. Oh, thank God So they've talked to them, but they're cool with the raccoon blankets. That's the

only sticking point so far. But okay, we'll get them on our side. Call Einstein. I do like also the imagination. That's a weird way to say it. I do also like the idea that this person called the police about their bed frame being haunted and then told the police, well, don't worry, it's okay. I'm actually going to keep it. Cause I really want to decorate it. It just feels like the police don't need to know that about your bed frame, but I am glad you looped them into this conversation. I think the end of the con yeah, they're, they're passively looped in.

They're like, they're on the sidelines. They haven't been called yet, but they're always an option. You can always call the police. Results will vary quite a bit on a lot of different factors. Oh, I thought they did call the police. No, that's why. Yeah, no, I don't think they actually did. I thought this whole time that she called the police. OK, I don't think so. Wasn't it that like she almost did or like she wasn't?

She said. Did I mishear? I don't think so. Wasn't it that she almost did or she wasn't? How could she act? Did I mishear anything? I mean, maybe it's not clear and the assumption if it's not clear is that she probably didn't, but this is what it says. It says, it's always two taps and noises and strange dreams. But other than calling the police

because of these weird things, I love my bed frame. Like it's unclear. I took it as but short of calling the police. I love my bed frame. Like, it's unclear. I took it as like, but short of calling the police. I see now where you're coming from. I really thought it meant that they called the police. I see. Wow, this is an interesting move to bring them in on this. You were hitting it hard.

And I was like, yeah, maybe. She did. But now I see. OK, so perhaps it's like, other than calling the police, which like, why would that be even a thought? But OK, other than calling the police which like why would that be even a thought but okay other than calling the police I guess I just got to put some string lights up and some curtains and some stickers on this bad boy Yeah, and maybe a priest and maybe put a priest on it. Maybe that's who's dead. Okay, don't bang priests forever everybody Never mind. I was saying a priest to like exercise it but then I realized

everybody. Nevermind. I was saying a priest to like exercise it, but then I realized exercise it, you know, on the, cause we were talking about someone on the bed and then being, you know, I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to read a review of the that sent in by, um, Taylor, they, them, um, who sent in that last one of the Ohio state reformatory. Do you know, what do you know anything about it up in Mansfield? Yeah, it was where Shawshank Redemption was filmed and it has some billboards on the highway near Canton

and it also is not equipped with heating because I have asked. Okay, that's more info than I had coming in, so perfect. Here is a one-star review This place sucks drove three hours with a eight-month-old weenie. We sorry We I just realized how they spelled it WENIER weenie-er

They meant a wiener They did mean a wiener. They did mean a wiener? This place sucks. Drove three hours with an eight month old wiener dog puppy. They refused to let him in. I was gonna hold him the entire time, but they wouldn't let him in. We had to stand outside in 86 degree weather. Avoid this place at all costs if you love dogs. Not 86 degrees! No! That place doesn't have heating. Be careful. Yeah. I think inside is worse than outside if they don't have any AC. Yeah, don't go inside there. It's going to be hot as hell.

I, it was kind of funny. I'm like, yeah, 86, that's uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to stand around for three hours in, in 86 degrees, unless they're like in the shade, it's fine, whatever. But it seems so not a big deal like like in your pocket nobody i'll know if they said like 100 degrees i'd be like oh shit yeah but it's too specific you should be they should be like every other reviewer and just exaggerate like add 20 degrees they might have that's the problem oh that would be my it was actually 80 and they were like let's add a few beautiful day out

But yeah, they're eight month old weenie or dog puppy But I bet it would rather stay outside than in an old prison like what was your plan? I don't understand why and why did you? Like oh the dogs just going on our venture like to find out you can't... Well, and it's not even like, oh, the dog's just going on an adventure. Like it's like you're holding it the whole time. It's not like it's like out and about explaining. Through the reformatory. This place is creepy, though, looking. So I wouldn't let a dog in there.

Doug's going to be possessed with something. I wouldn't want especially an eight month old one. It's like they've barely got their own soul to manage yet. Oh, my God. That puppy is ripe for a good haunting. You know, it is. It's like they've barely got their own soul to manage yet. Oh my God, that puppy is ripe for a good haunting, you know? It is. It is. Better get an exorcist in here. This is from Brad. It's of the haunted Mayfield Manor, which is in Texas. And the title of this TripAdvisor review,

which is one star is the worst haunted house in Texas. Get it? advisor review which is one star is the worst haunted house in Texas get it no like the best little whore house in Texas but it's a house in Texas I think is the joke question mark I'm not sure they just were saying or they're just saying it's the worst haunted for some reason like my brain was like maybe you're right nothing and I'm just reading between the lines. Okay. Christina, you're just giving them credit for being funnier than they might be, you know?

Yeah, that's what I'm known for that, you know? You just, you can, look, you can read a book and see like the blue curtains and be like, yes, that has so much meaning. The reason, you know, that they're blue or whatever, like in a literature. Okay, have you not, okay, that's, have you not, nevermind. I've read the Glass Menagerie,

if that's what you're fucking asking me right now. Sure. You're the one who can read deep and get in there. You're not just saying, oh, they're blue just to be blue. You get deep in there. You say that's, it's like the ocean, very honest trench or something and someone's drowning in their relationship in that room or something

it's too smart is this how you what is this why you failed English class whatever you're saying okay AP lit yes it is this is the haunted Mayfield manor it's a one-star view I bought a group Han for 2 VIP tickets to the haunted Mayfield Manor for $25. Not a bad price, however the pass should have taken us to the front of the line for special guests to wait for a tour. We were placed in the middle of the line between all guests to see with an announcement made advising guests both in front of us and to the rear of us that we had special passes. We felt so awkward that we removed ourselves from the center of the line and waited at

the end of the line with the other guests. To make things worse, this truly was a one-man attraction. The narrator ran from peephole to peephole to trapdoor to trapdoor, trying to scare you. Towards the end it became comical because he was seriously out of breath at the end, leaving you to wonder, did that really happen and did I really pay for that? Best advice, save your money. End of review. That poor employee.

I can picture this. I have no idea what this place looks like. I can picture it so well. Oh my god. It's just people to people. Tragic. Trap door to trap door. He's just like, to people. Tragic. Trap door to trap door. He's just like, man, I'm too old for this. He's like panting. That was wild, huh? Man, let's wonder what's in the next room.

Oh, you want to hear about funerary rites from the Victorian era? Look, let me catch my breath for a minute. I just scared that weenie or dog straight out of this building. It's not allowed here. Now I have some things that I found. This first one is of a little book called Jack's Head by Siggy Shade. If you're not familiar with Siggy Shade's work. I'm not.

That's probably for the... you probably are indirectly, not without realizing it. Okay. I'm gonna read the description of Jack's head. Everyone knows never to venture out on the night of Halloween. The headless horseman haunts the roads looking for his next victim. But when my fiance does the unthinkable, I storm out in my car and run into headless Jack. Jack gives me a, if I can satisfy his desires, he'll let me life. Fail and I will lose my head. It's going to be a long hard night. Did it really take you that long to realize I'm reading a review of a smut Halloween book?

I realized it pretty much the moment you said indirectly, you've probably had something to do with this. I thought it's either children's books because of Leona or some sort of weird ass like paranormal smut. So I knew it was one of the two and I figured that out pretty quick. I guess it would have been more obvious if I had read a review of something I just saw and readers also enjoyed called hollow peen. A Halloween sentient object romance.

Oh, that's a book. That's a hollow peen. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry. In the except in the readers also because how low he hollow peen like Pinocchio's got a little erection. Pines sounds like Pinocchio's got a little erection going. Naughty is feeling naughty, you know what I mean? Unfortunately, I do about that one. Oh man. Hollow peen. Hollow peen, naughty's hollow peen.

Aren't all peens hollow? Okay, maybe not all, I don't want. What? They should have been, I don't want. What? They should have been. I don't think they should be. How else is anything gonna come out of them? Not like, okay. They at least have- Hollow is not it.

It's not hollow. It's not the right word. Stop trying to convince me. It's tubed. It's tubed. What's the word for having a tube in it? It's pneumatic. It's pneumatic.

All peens are pneumatic. Oh man. Not all, you don. Not all. I hate the word peen. I hate that. Why? I don't know. I don't like it. Hello peen. Hello peen is funny but just peen? It's real bad. It needs something with it. It's real bad. Okay. Anyway, where were we? A one star review of Jack's head by Siggy Shade. Oh, I get it. Get what? Oh, Jack's head. Yeah. Yeah. Once. I wish I didn't. We hadn't touched on that. Okay. I read a lot of unhinged books for fun and laugh. Sorry, that's like, I just love how immediately self aware they're like, listen, I know how fucked up up this is and I can't wait to tell you about it I this is the kind of person I need this is like by Renee, you know, like Trust like remember when we talked remember when we did this my episode and Renee had

Read every single book like yeah, we did the priest one and Renee was like, oh, those are all terrible Those are terrible. I read all of them and I'm like why but she just like will read Those are terrible. I read all of them and I'm like, why? But she just like, we'll read voraciously anything you put in front of her. And I think a lot of it's free on like a Kindle unlimited. Yeah. And why not? You know, it's fun. Sorry to say blows through it all and next thing I know she'll be texting me out hallo peen. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I might. I'm now that I have the tab still open. You've done worse. You've said it right to my face many times.

Yeah, that's true. Here's the rest of this one-star review. I read a lot of unhinged books for fun and laugh about it with my friends. This? This broke me. My eyes hurt. My brain hurts. I can never drink a pumpkin spice latte. I just... No judgment if you like this, but if you do, I'm scared of you. End of review. Oh, is it a lot of like food and gourd related hijinks? Christina, I have no idea what I do.

I have some idea of at least one, I have more reviews. Of this? Oh yeah. Only two more. I'll read one now because it's a quick one. It's a three-star review. This is a little pick-me-up, I guess three stars If he murderous goes then why he's so cute and

Why he's shaped like my new lover Why I want to put my peen in him He's got these he's a, he's a... Explain that, scientists. Scientists are working hard. That's right, long hard night for those scientists. This episode is brought to you by Home Chef. We all dread that, what should we have for dinner question?

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For a limited time, Home Chef is offering our listeners 18 free meals plus free dessert for life. And of course, free shipping on your first box. Go to homechef.com slash beach to Sandy. Go to homechef.com beach2sandy. That's homechef.com beach2sandy for 18 free meals and free dessert for life. Homechef.com beach2sandy must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. Hey this is from Brad, nope I already read that one. This is from Taylor, they them and

it's of the Waverly Hills sanatorium. Now I'm dreading this review because it's actually the kind that I hate even though it's always a kind I bring to the table. So it's like, like you hate it too. Are you singing? I'm not. Thank Christ. No, I'm not. Not yet. No, I'm not singing but let's just say that Taylor wrote I imagine this guy was wearing a fedora or a top hat when he wrote this So it's basically remember our guy from the comic book comic book shop. Yeah, and I called him like zine the zine guy Yeah, I called him like the comic book guy from the Simpsons. This is the same

Like these are exhausting. These are exhausting kind of vibe and I don't want to put too many labels on it because I feel like this is a dangerous territory with a real person on the internet, but Yeah, you get it. So I'm gonna read this. This is of the Waverly Hills Sanatorium, which is a notoriously haunted location. It's a wild one to Review haunted location. It's a wild one to review saying it's not... I mean it's historically a very cool place so it's like even if you don't believe in ghosts I feel like a lot of people like to go and just see the history and get a tour of the place. Anyway let's just... I'll just read this here. Two stars. Let's start out

with a good. Waverly Hills Sanatorium, or more accurately, the building that once was a tuberculosis sanatorium called Waverly Hills, is a very cool, abandoned, Art Deco-style hospital. Closed for the last few decades, it sat and fell victim to the elements, and to adventure seekers who managed to scar every angle of the building with period-appropriate slogans. Such and such as D'Bomb Just Screams 1990s. Nowadays it resembles a set of a scary movie, Saw comes to mind, and a very smart couple have taken advantage of that and are milking it for every last dollar. Now I am a most open-minded individual when it

comes to the possible existence of entities we have no proof of. However, I am also a scientist by nature and profession, and a little critical rational thinking easily helps me to debunk things like Bigfoot. Parentheses. It does not exist for hundreds of reasons, and will never be found. Oh, it's about time someone got to the bottom of that mystery. I was holding my breath for years. Honestly. Why is he keeping that to himself? He should be announcing that on Discovery Channel. I'm shocked, honestly. I'm shocked to the science channel. Yeah. Oh, and the travel channel that are good

on it. Um, stop paying all those, for all those flights for people to get to Alaska and Oregon. Like why are they even paying for that? Um, I love that. The idea that he just is so staunchly like, I've developed a list of hundreds of reasons. And you'll never find him. And it's like, it sounds like a challenge. It sounds like he believes and is trying to find him. It sounds like you're hiding him in your basement,

you freak. You'll never find him. You'll never find him because he's not real. Tee hee hee hee. What are you talking about? You know, probably like 80% of people don't believe in Bigfoot. It's not like you're saying something like revolutionary.

You know, I mean. What if it is a Bigfoot hostage situation this whole time? Holy fuck. He's in this dude's basement. That's crazy. That's crazy. That might be it. I think we've. Now we just, he solved crazy. That's crazy. That might be it. I think now we just he solved it or so we thought then you solved it.

I feel like there must be more evidence of crimes in this entire thing because we're only on paragraph two out of five. So you tell me you tell me if there's more we need to we need to more infractions. I was patient before butting in because what I was gonna buy earlier. Yeah, it sounded like This person wants them to be an up-and-run like like back to the tuberculosis Like he's like look it's all run down here. Oh my god, like it's closed now. It's like well, yeah, you want this tuberculosis like Facility to be open. He's an anti-vaxxer He's like let's bring this back cuz then it's not so bad to get TB you can sit on the outside facility to be open. Maybe he's an anti-vaxxer.

He's like, let's bring this back cause then it's not so bad to get TB. You can sit on the outside. An opportunity. Let the snow come in and hit you in the face. It's like an opportunity for anti-vaxxers. He can milk it. To sit in their Adirondack chairs. I'm so proud of you.

Kind of the dream, honestly. I mean, honestly, he's not wrong. I'm gonna go up to the cat skills. He's absolutely wrong, but you know, in a way he's not wrong. I'm avoiding the adirondacks It seems to like on the nose, right? That would be that would just be silly So he's a most open-minded individual obviously as we can tell The rational thinking yada yada. He'll never be found for hundreds of reasons. Okay He's just like tied up with a tied up with a hundred ropes or something if you're asking for

specifics to include the locks on the doors or something the fact that he had like I would be like name a hundred like hundreds that implies there's a list that implies there is a list. Name 50. That implies there's a calculable number of reasons Bigfoot doesn't pick. Right? And it implies there's many dozen. So like give me a dozen at least. And I will love it.

I love the idea of this. I do too. Okay, so I can debunk things like Bigfoot and evidence of ghosts. Notice I didn't say ghosts. I said evidence of ghosts. Because for all I know, disembodied human souls very well could exist, and I am in no position to simply claim that ghosts don't exist. What I have a problem with is the facilitation of the idea that every creepy looking building

contains spirits, and all it takes is $100 to go into the country's most haunted place. The vast majority of the folks that come here are the young scary movie fans. Most are giddy 21 year old cheerleader types, but others are the odd folks with gadgets who want to record EVPs. Does this person not make you want to punch him in the nose? There's no way the vast majority of people going to this are 21 year old cheerleader types. Like, it's like a weird, like it's not even a good- Do you know how many people I know who've been there and they're all like middle-aged men?

Like literally the majority of people I know who've been there and are my friends, but they're middle-aged men. This is not like- That's what I would picture. They're this guy. People, yeah, yeah. Just with a slight different bent on their open-mindedness.

You know, maybe a little less open-minded than this fucking progressive guy, okay? Ugh. The fact that you would, sorry, the fact that you're also, like a long story short, this guy is definitely an adult adult. Like he's married, he is like, I looked at his little profile.

The fact that you would be harping on 21-year-old, like, he reeks of like the creepy, like, icky. It's very icky that you would be harping on 21 year old. Like, it reeks of the creepy, like. Icky, very icky. It's very icky that you would even call that out. Okay. My wife and I spent seven hours inside Waverly midnight to seven a.m. First of all, holy shit, that means you were on a full

overnight ghost, hold on. No wonder this person's cranky. They're writing it at 7.30 in the morning after all that. Crazy town You were there for seven hours in the middle of the night. Like no fucking wonder you're miserable Like when this is not your thing. That's crazy. I hadn't even caught that the first time I read it I've been places where it and was like we have to stay up till 5 and it really makes you want to rip your hair out So I don't blame this person for being upset, but they're clearly like I can stay up till 5 but I have to be sitting at a computer oh exactly you know I get so different taking a steady amount of some

sort of substance until 5 and then maybe I'll read a book and go to sleep water water well drinking a lot of water what else else would it be? Water and rice? Just making sure Substance of choice Fucking weird, man. That's fucking weird. You made it weirder like like waters like yeah, of course You're gonna be drinking water, but why do you throw rice in there? I was trying to make it more normal Okay Yeah, I love some ramen noodles

See that's at least more normal because you can imagine other things with it. No, that's an incredibly normal thing. What I said is not. You're right. Oh, man. You're right. I'm sorry. My wife and I spent seven hours inside Waverly midnight to 7 a.m.

We were initially told what to look for. Red flag. One of the two guys. You have to look for a red flag. Like, I never found that red flag. One of the two guys. You had to look for a red flag? Like, I never found that red flag. And then I was like, no, that's not what he means. I thought it was too. Like, oh, capture the flag in a sanatorium. And in a bit, like, remember when we'd play capture the flag on the golf course

and I would get so scared. Like I would just hide behind a tree and like cry. I was so afraid. But we made it so intense. Like it was all the adults were on. Oh my God. And we didn't make it intense. Everybody made it intense because of that. It was part of the, at one point I was the last one. I was fucking army crawling, trying to get like, I just wanted to come across it. Like you and I weren't the ones enforcing the intensity. It was like a group intensity that we got sucked into. We were the others when we were there. Certainly.

We were the others in every aspect of us being there. Anyway, but yeah, I remember it was the last one. If we won, or the moment this game was over, we were all done and I was having so much fun. Like that is, I had so much fun playing those games. It was actually one of the funnest. Because like, I don't know. At that point, I was, so much fun like that is I had so much it was actually one of the fun is because like Yeah, I don't know at that point

I was I don't know something very thrilling about like being out in the middle in the dark in like kind of a secluded area hiding that shit and you're trying to like Release the the kids who got captured by like very scary and also like very exhilarating Yeah, especially because the adults were fucking intense some of them like some of the of the men were looking back, they're all so wasted and probably on cocaine, but like now, but like at the time it was like, wow, they really want to play this fun game with us. And like they did. Yeah. It was a young white boy. It was the most excitement I ever got in my life was probably crawling around, but the never played paintball, exactly. You've never played paintball? No. Airsoft.

I've never played paintball. I assumed I was the only one left in the millennial generation who had not. I thought you would have done it a million times. What? No. It just felt like something people at our school did. Has Blaze played paintball? Yeah. Has Blaze? He's a paintballer?

I knew he was a baller, but I Blaze? Is he's a paint baller? Well, we just call it a baller. We just call it a P baller, but yeah. Oh, he's, that's why you call him P baller. I thought it was, I thought that P was spelled a little differently. I mean, he's gonna kill me for, I hear him, I feel him listening to this in the Peter. This has been a rough few episodes for Blaze lately. Yeah, I'm really, I'm really gunning for divorce. I was just thinking about that today. I was like, man, poor Blaze. gunning for divorce. I was just thinking about that today. I was like, man, poor Blaze. I haven't even edited that one yet. Stop.

Okay, so he's definitely, he's gone to even bachelor parties I feel like where they've done payball. I could be wrong on that, but it feels like something that, I don't know, doesn't- No, if someone invited me to go paintballing. Teenage boys do that. As a white teenage boy, I would have done it. We played airsoft.

I don't know what that is, but okay It's very similar, but not paint Okay, so you basically have done the same yeah And we had our like army jackets from the fucking army supply store We go in the woods and like sir Thank you And we go in the woods and crawl around and like yeah each other And then I would stand there in the dark and just cry because I was so afraid

Yeah but the point was it was the last game and I was the last one left and the pressure was on to keep the night going. You know what's so funny? I remember that. They caught me and I will never live it down. But I remember this. Who caught you? I don't, I don't remember that. I think, well, I think it was, uh, I'm not going to say the first letter. Uh, the last name is G.

Oh no. Yeah. No, the, yeah, the mom. Oh, the mom. Okay. Yeah. The adults. Oh, the adults were I don't remember. I was hiding adults had the flashlights and the kids were hiding and tried to like so fucked up. So it was terrifying. Okay. Some of the adults got really into it. They're coked up. I mean, they're not coked up maybe, but they're definitely drunk at the very least. At the very least. Look, I'm realizing as I'm getting older

that people are like slightly more coked up than I thought they were. That's what I'm learning too. Like it's a little more prevalent than, like not saying it's like all film and TV, but it's like, you see all the film and TV, it's like, oh, it's exaggerated how often people do. And then you're like, maybe a little bit in those.

But I was so sheltered that now I'm realizing cocaine was cocaine exists quite a bit. I didn't think such a thing would ever fall in the hands of such esteemed gentleman as the ones we were playing with. Now, looking back, I'm like, hmm. They were- They're the ones who were probably doing it the most. Old rich people, yeah, of course. People were doing drugs.

Yeah, we were both very sheltered. And so when people were running around in the dark and trying to capture me and they were grown men, I was very afraid. Anyway, let's get back to this. My wife and I spent seven hours inside Waverly, midnight to 7 a.m. We were initially told what to look for.

I had no idea where we were. I know, to be honest. So I was just sitting there waiting for it to click, and I started laughing when it finally clicked. I started the paragraph over, because I was like, no way in hell do I know where we stopped. I'm so sorry. My wife and I spent a little bit.

We were initially told what to look for. Red flag. One of the two guides had us all on one of the upper floors where supposedly a creeper ghost spends his nights moving back and forth in front of a window way at the other end of the hallway. She told us to watch the window so we could see the light black out momentarily. That was supposed to represent the creeper moving back and forth

Because as we all know when people die they perpetually pace back and forth in front of a window to scare the living Rational thought says this is simply your eyes Perception of a tiny amount of residual light down a blackened hallway this that's- That's actually what I was thinking it was. Really? Yeah. What's the name of it? It's weird you said that because he's about to say the name,

but now you can. No, no, I don't want to steal your thunder. You don't want to steal his thunder? Yeah, but you getting to say it for the first time on the episode is just so cool for you. You're right, it is a powerful moment, so let me say it.

Yeah. Rational Thought says that this is a simply your eyes perception of a tiny amount of residual light down a blackened hallway. This phenomenon is called light adaptation. Oh, I thought you were gonna jump in, okay. No, no, no, I wanted you to just be able to say

the full thing before I said light adaptation. That's really thoughtful. Believing you just witnessed a ghost in this fashion is like saying you really heard the ocean inside a conch shell. He's like such an asshole, I'm sorry. I want to kill him. No, I look, this energy is... I don't. Okay. I don't. Okay. I don't want to give anyone TV. Obviously. I'm just wondering how you would. What would

your plan be? I don't know. They put those bubbles on you. I would just be like, pop. Huh? What bubbles? Like when you get a TB test. I've always been negative, but the day that I turned positive, I'll pop that bubble right on him. What bubble?

They put an air bubble in you. I get tested for TB like every month. I'm sorry. Do you not? They put an air bubble in you. I get tested for TB like every month. I'm sorry. Do you not? They put an air bubble in you? What the fuck? No, what does that mean? Uh-uh, they pop it?

No. You pop it on him? You pop your TB bubble on him? No, you don't pop it. But if it's, but if... If it's full of TB, what happens? I'm gonna show you. Christina, I don't know if I... Why are you rolling your sleeve up?

What is that? I don't want to show you this actually, cause it's really, you know how I feel about needles, but yeah, they put an air bubble. They put like an air bubble in it. I'm sorry, that's how it goes. That's why I'm saying no over and over again. Then you're like, I'm sorry.

I'm like, as if I didn't warn you that I don't want to hear this. Well you keep asking questions about popping it. So I thought I would... Okay fine, you're right. I All right. It's just light after adaptation. Don't give him yeah, give him your TP with your light I'm going to and now I need to tell you that it keeps going Yeah, as we walked around the dark, but not very scary building We'd come across a number of rubber balls the size of basketballs

But made for kids to roll and kick and play with. These the guides told us were used... what? I'm sorry what was that? What the fuck? All of this is so normal to me. He just described what a ball is? He was like they look like basketballs but they're just regular balls? Like hey you know the stupid part he describes it more. So what is going on? These, the guides told us, were used by Timmy, the resident playful child ghost. No other name conjures boyhood innocence than does Timmy. It couldn't have been Steven or Michael.

It of course is Timmy. Okay. First of all, that's a dumb argument. Some people were sitting in dark rooms trying to get Timmy to roll the ball. I wanted to punch them in the throat. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Leave them below, let them play with the child ghost, you weirdo, why you wanna punch them? Imagine getting so aggressive. I think he wants to punch the people trying to get Timmy to roll the ball, right? Yes, that's what I'm saying. Oh, I thought you were saying he was trying to punch the child ghost.

No, he's trying to punch these people. I'm like, just let them be. Let them try to talk to a ghost, whatever. No, that's insane. It's probably not real, but let them just have this, you know? Who cares? God.

You know, who cares? God. I look, I'm, the, him, his wife, I assume his wife brought him here. Like, why is he here? That might be because there is no answer. And by the way, I know Waverly Hills, I've never been, but I know it pretty darn well in that. I know you have to specifically book

an overnight investigation and there's like a group of 10 or 12 or 20 I don't know how many but you have to book that in advance and they have specific dates you pay a good amount of money Like he said $100 a person or whatever So somebody had to have wanted this Right. Not yeah not to jump too many too many things. I then seem crazy. I already do. But I this presumably, this wife enjoys going here and wants to do the seven hour thing. And this man clearly has no interest. So either A just don't have him go like, I don't know, maybe, or B

like, can't he just be an adult for a little bit and do something that his wife enjoys and not leave this insane review about punching people? Mm-hmm. In the throat. Is it really that? Like, why? Such a... So, like, unless the wife is on board and is like, yeah, let's see how stupid these people are and punch them, then I'm like, good for you two. You know? No, then I'm like, you both need a different hobby. Please. Yeah, go somewhere else. Don't spend seven hours at a place where you can be miserable. But like, what the fuck's going on here? Yeah. You know what?

If it is the wife who wanted to go, this is obviously very understatement of the year, but this is a huge fucking red flag that he's like, oh, let me tell you all the dumb shit. And I'm I'm a smart scientist, so I know how dumb all these people are. Anyway, my wife wanted to come and like, it gets, okay, it gets, I don't know if it gets worse, but it does continue. Okay, so some people were sitting in dark rooms

trying to get Timmy to roll the ball. I wanted to punch them into it. I noticed that all the balls were made with small amounts of rubber on one end of the inside of the ball. It made for an uneven roll if you were to kick or roll the ball, not to mention that the floors of the building are uneven. Combining these two factors results in an awkward back and forth movement of the balls. Sometimes the balls would almost come to a dead stop before wobbling a bit more. This I presume is what gullible idiots interpret as Timmy playing with the balls. It doesn't take a lot of smarts to pick up the ball and realize there is a very worldly

reason as to why they roll the way they do. And I guarantee the, wait a minute. I'm shocked right now, because I had not picked up on this. I'm shocked. And I guarantee the proprietors of this building. You didn't catch it? Proprietors?

That's what comic book guy called the comic book store owner. Oh, he called him like the something proprietor and we said who the fuck calls somebody a proprietor? They use the same thesaurus. That's wild. Or they have an AI thing. I don't know that I've ever heard someone say proprietor.

But that other review he read was like five years ago like that would have been maybe not five but like it's the same one it could be oh my gosh okay I guarantee the proprietors of this building know that and take advantage of the one-dimensional nature of their customers like my wife sorry just add that in then he goes on and on I cut out a whole paragraph because it was not interesting nor was it funny. The body chute is indeed a cool place. It is a seemingly endless downward facing tunnel that leads to an exit which is partially

boarded up. The gaps in the boards allow for bats to fly in and out of the tunnel. This was the best part of our Waverly experience, dodging multiple bats as they flew in and out of the tunnel and got so close that you could feel the whoosh of their skinny little wings. Some of the bats make it into the interior of the building, and that makes for a somewhat more exciting experience as well. Summary. Glad we did it, but would never do it again. End of review. This, this, this person is glad he went, they're that makes it so much worse.

And that's what he's like, I had the opportunity to write this whole thing. That's more condescending to be like to your wife. Oh, I'm so glad we did that, but it sucked. And we're never doing it again. Nice try for a date night, honey. Like, Jesus. But I'm so glad we tried this for you. Their customers are morons. Not you, honey, but yeah.

I like, I don't know. All these gullible idiots. I'm so, I'm just, I think the most shocking part is like, yeah, someone, this is just whatever. So he's an asshole. But the fact that he was there for the seven hour thing, that's crazy to me. And they have Halloween events that are just like

a two hour like jump scare tour. Midnight to 7 a.m. this person was there. Like that is a commitment. That is, that's their biggest. And to have these views. I mean it's weirdly like, if you weren't such an asshole about it. That's like the amount of time Zach Bagen spent there.

Like that's a full fucking night. Like if you weren't such an asshole about it, he could write an interesting review as someone, a skeptic or a non-believer, whatever. Like going there. And can I be honest, like this is, again, like you said earlier, this used to be an active place.

Like he could have at least said, oh, it was interesting to see the old rooms or see how they, all the Adirondack chair. I don't fucking know, but like. It sounded like he wanted them back. Like he walked in and was like imagining. But imagine that he spent seven hours there and wanted to kill himself.

And then like imagine he gets tuberculosis and they're like, you have to spend six years here as you die slowly. Well, six years, probably a year. As you die slowly of tuberculosis. Like stop complaining. You get to walk around this cool building for a hundred bucks and spend the whole night and connect with your wife

and You know talk to baddies meet some baddies talk to some creep Oh, I thought you meant baddies like that like bad boys, but baddies and bats also. That was the joke. Yeah Yeah, I got it. Um and Timmy who could forget little Timmy I don't think this person thinks he met Timmy though He just broke all of Timmy's favorite toys They popped all the all the rubber balls to look at the inside and see where the rubber was placed

Well, you see what's my handy-dandy? Protractor I can figure out the machine that extruded this rubber plaster this rubber ball left a little bit more rubber on this end of the sphere in order to uh so anybody who thinks it rolls by itself is a fucking gullible moron whoa I've got a review of Jack's head by Siggy Shade. This is my last of this piece of art. This is a three-star review and this gives a little more insight into just one of the great many things that happen in this lovely piece of literature. Here we go. Y'all I am straight up cackling right now. What the hell did I just read? I

don't know even know if I loved or hated this book. Pony play with the headless horseman? What? I cannot. Ha ha ha ha. I am in no way kink shaming anybody to each their own, but I just couldn't control my laughter during this scene. Quote, I want to train you like a show pony. I want to ride you so hard that you neigh for more. Any objections? Full udders, thick teats. Oh, nice. Wouldn't that be confusing though?

If you said neigh. It's like neigh. Yeah. Oh wait, I guess. It's like neigh for more, but neigh for no. But neigh means no. Neigh, any objections? Neigh. Neigh.

Yeah. That is a neigh for more. Right. Full udders, thick teats, ready for breeding. No, thank you. Are you going to be my stallion? I ask his eyes flame his eye flames narrow Only if you're his eye flames, okay Says only if you're a good pony, that's the end of the quotes But don't worry. She gets rewarded with sugar lumps. End of reveal.

Is fucking the horse? What the fuck? No, no, no, no, no. It's pony play. Are you sure? Why does he have glowing eyes slits or whatever? He's a headless horseman. There's like a jack-o'-lantern head, I think.

So where's his actual horse? Can we make sure she's okay and not being, like is she accounted for this fiance who walked into the woods and met the headless horseman? I forgot about the fiance. I was thinking back to the horse, the pony play. Yeah. Yeah. It's the same woman. I think. I forgot that the original review was about the fee or the, the synopsis was about the Right. I forgot that the original review was about the

synopsis was about the fiance. I thought like, oh, is this all about the headless horseman and his horse? Because that's really Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no mad at me if you read it and are like, Oh my gosh, wait, that wasn't there. I don't think so. Based on the, I read a lot of reviews of this place. Yeah. Renee will tell you. I'm sure she's read it a few times. Yeah. Good stuff. Okay. Your turn. This is from Valentine and this is, you know, Valentine also signed this so nicely and wrote, your fan, Valentine. I thought that was so nice. I thought nobody ever says that. That's really thoughtful. Yeah. But it also could be from your

Valentine that would be even better I think every email that Valentine sends should just end with your Valentine that's beautiful Oaks inner this is a five-star view of a place called Mystic World in Sarasota Springs New York why did you say hmm hmm, like that? Sounds great. Okay, I thought maybe you knew about it. No. I'm just being annoying. No, come on.

Five stars, and this is by Annie. This is the first person to review this location, and this actually begins my kind of redemption. Ceremony, I don't know why I said ceremony, but your what? Nothing. I love this store. It brings a faint reminder of the world bizarre store I haunted as a child in our local mall. Oh, that's is this not the wildest? OK, so Valentine literally wrote this sounds like it's written by the ghost of a Victorian lady.

I think I'm picturing like Assassin's Creed and like I hear the word bizarre and I'm thinking like, nevermind the video game. I don't know why it popped in my head. Yes, I figured out it was a video game. I don't know. It takes place in multiple. I guess when you hear the word bizarre, there are very specific references. Like I'm sure there's some book, like, you know, bizarre makes me think of. Harper's. Bazaar.

And all the dumb contests I enter and never win on their website and their many websites and magazines. Anyway. I love this store. It brings a faint reminder of the world-bazaar store I haunted as a child in our local mall. I would walk the aisles and dream of the exotic places that peddled their wares within the store walls. There were always tons of wood and stone objects of beauty. The polished stones and crystals that adorn most of the store are the draw for me. They have a nice selection of jewelry, aromatics,

hippie-dippy fashion accessories, and psychedelic t-shirts. Prices are pretty good for a mall store, and I always find something too pretty to pass up. During these COVID-19 days, this is the only store that will entice me to enter the mall proper Home goods and healthy living have separate exterior entrances So I do not consider that within the interior of the mall I am hopeful this location will endure another year end of review Me too Turn it D through eternity so you can haunt it forever. It sounds like you're already haunting a spot

So like some room for the rest of us But you know, I don't know what the mystic world is, but it does kind of sound like a world market or something Yeah, a little bit it reminds me of like and I do feel like that's our world market. I feel bizarre Is that the one? world market. I feel like we- World Bazaar? Is that the one? What? Shut up. It's something like World Bazaar.

Shut up. First of all, don't even start with me. Second of all, you know that one day we're going to be ghosts at like half-price books or some shit. I was just thinking about where I'd end up. To half-price books. No, I'd probably, hopefully somewhere I'm not familiar with. I want to spend more time at places- What do you mean? That's not how that works. Like not familiar with yet, meaning I'll live longer.

Like fucking Waverly Hills and its Warium? No. Oh, I see. A place that you'll visit in the future that's more meaningful. I thought you meant like, oh, I want to go somewhere completely random. And I went, that's a fucking dangerous game. That's not fun. That's not fun. I'm not doing that. Certainly not. Mystic World sounds pretty fucking cool. I'm on their website and it is basically a witch shop and I love it

nice wait Saratoga Springs right oh my god it all makes sense now it's all clicking all right that was my second to last one do you have any more I do okay good next I have a review of Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, the second, the most recent Beetlejuice film. I just had to admit to people that I have never watched this film. Or did I talk about that on the podcast? Yeah, we did. Okay, so I talked about that on a podcast yesterday, then I went and talked about it on our podcast after that. Then I went on now and talked about it again. So this is the third time in 24 hours I've discussed this and I'm so sorry. That's weird. Yeah. So this is,

I have not seen the original or the first movie or this one. Wait, what? No. Then why did I feel like such a fool for admitting that? I don't know. That's on you. That's your own. Look, what do you and your therapist talk about? Why you feel like a fool. Don't drag me into it. Just because I have her on with her video off doesn't mean you have to bring her up every time she's on a call.

A lot of pressure because I have my own therapist who's on the call too. And so to have two therapists analyzing my every move, come on. And then there's you. Don't get me started. The ultimate therapist. I was gonna say whatever the opposite of a therapist is, you're the ultimate that. I'm whatever that guy in a top hat was earlier,

the guy in the top hat. That's me, the ultra scientist. You're the ultra scientist. The ultra scientist. That sounds like. Hey, I have hundreds of reasons. Hundreds. I dare you to ask me. I dare you to ask. I would never. I will never. Um,

here is a three star review of the most recent Beetlejuice movie. Here we go. I hope this franchise goes on for way too long overstays its welcome and keeps the same naming scheme. Would love to see Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice the squeakful end of review I'm gonna I'm gonna punch you in the throat. Oh

And then pop my tuberculosis bubble on you cuz I'm so okay anything with that Alexander that was fucking annoying as shit and you know it and I know it and there's no point even talking about it because Obviously, that's why you brought it and I'm mad now because earlier when you said I have a review It's a kind I like I was so worried. It was gonna be one of those and then it ended up being you proselytizing and now you still brought a fucking repeat I Told you the beginning this episode would be yes for you And when you said that I thought certainly he won't bring me another. It's got smut, it's got

proselytizing, it's got repeating a word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. At least it wasn't coming. Really nothing could ever get worse than that. Actually, that's not a challenge. Please don't try to beat it. How many times do I have to tell you how many reviews do you have left? I have two of the same thing. What do you mean of the same thing? Like it's one, it's two separate reviews but of the same thing.

Okay, understood. Would you, so- So like I could pair them together either before or after you go. How about, how about, do you mind doing yours because mine is just so like so off the rails or should I? If you think mine's going to be less off the rails, I'm in. That's fine. Here's a review. Mine's from Julio. Does that help?

Oh, that does help a little bit. But mine is a review of a book, a little book called Stocked by the Boogeyman. It's by a prolific author who goes by the name of Siggy Shade. Stop. It's by a prolific author who goes by the name of Siggy Shade. Stop. This is like, I wish I had the gumption. Truly, I wish I had the gumption to take my knowledge

of any of these concepts and write smut about it. Oh, you, I mean. I don't even mean the gumption, that's not fair. I mean the gumption and also the skill and ability. Yeah, there's talent involved here. There's so much talent, but I'm like, man, I just wish I could be the person who sees something so innocuous and says.

What hole can that go into for someone's pleasure? How many holes does that have? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, here's the, I actually, I haven't read this description. I went straight to the reviews, unlike the last one. So let me read this for the first time ever. I'm sorry read this description. I went straight to the reviews unlike the last one. So let me read this for the first time ever

I'm sorry in advance Stocked by the boogeyman. Here's the description You're 99% sure that the boogeyman is visiting your bedroom at night every morning when you wake up your clothes are shredded with sharp claws He's even started stealing your underwear The only thing keeping you safe from his claws is your enchanted locket. You've told the police, but they're useless. So one evening you set up your phone to record him and then go to sleep. Try telling the police about your haunted bed frame. They don't fucking listen to a thing.

You tell them your bed frame's haunted. Nothing. Not a... They don't believe you. You tell them that the boogeyman is coming and shredding your clothes, but your locket is saving you every night. And they say mmm. Why don't we call what's the thing that they say to call a? mandatory psychiatric lockup I Don't know there's like a phrase for it. Like I'm gonna something something you

Like tend to but that means poop Ten two beans poop. Yeah on a walkie-talkie It just means the word poop. Well means I'm gonna go poop now Why would that be ten-2? 10-1 means pee. Does it really? Yeah. You didn't know that? No, this isn't all news to me. On a walkie talkie, as a former PA, you have to know if someone's going to be gone to go pee or if they're going to be gone a little bit longer, 10-2. You have to tell people you're pooping. Last episode, we're talking about my bare butt being viewed by people. Now we're talking about me telling everyone whether I'm guess what 10.

Guess what 10 3 means. Both. Well, I guess I'd just be 10 to hopefully. Well, maybe not hopefully. Maybe that's the wrong word for that. 10 3 would be I'd say yes, but 10 44 means, is 10-3 like no? 10-3 means vomit. What's 10-4? 10-4 means I think like okie dokie.

Yeah, that's the one I know. What's 10-5? Oh, okay, now we're too high of counting. I never was. My donations to the church never got me that high in the rankings of Zinu's followers. Sea org stuff. Sea org. You knew exactly what I was talking about. Love that for me and for you. And for Zinu. Obviously.

So the police are doing nothing about this locket and the boogeyman shredding the clothes. The next morning, you watch the recording to find a man with black wings rushing toward you before hitting an invisible barrier. Then he flies into a rage and tears up everything he can find. As he reaches your phone, you press pause to find the most beautiful man scowling into the camera. Intricate black tattoos cover his muscular body, and he's clutching your underwear in his huge hands But you're too busy staring at his forked tail that glistens with fairy dust. It's time to capture the boogeyman

Don't put glitter in your hoo-ha. Nothing good can come of this Who said the tail the forked tail is going in there? You sicko don't even pretend like it does. That's ridiculous. The fact that they would write that into the description and then not put it in the plot of the book is outrageous for you to even suggest. You are going to feel so ridiculous later when I reveal something about the Booking Man. You're going to feel my second review, the finale of my two reviews. You're going to feel ridiculous for thinking that this guy needs his forked tail to do anything. Here we go. Here's a one star review.

This book was so bad. Words cannot describe the disappointment and embarrassment I felt reading this garbage. If I could rate this book zero stars, I would. Because it is not worthy of a single star. I've never read something where the author simply cannot spell. Words did not make sense and they were thrown around, like WTF? Lost valuable time reading this book. At this point, can you even call it a book? Read this book as a joke and I can see why.

This book is a joke. It's the equivalent of April Fucking Fools. One of the dumbest lines I've ever read was, and I quote, it's in my balls, equivalent of April fucking fools. One of the dumbest lines I've ever read was, and I quote, It's in my balls. I can pump you full of power. I don't know how this was allowed to be published because this was beyond what I thought stupid could get someone. Book is so bad it goes below zero negative one out of five stars only read

if you're with friends so it's not that much of a waste of your time anyways bad read do not recommend end of review wow what scathing yeah so seems rough well here's one more review one star my god Oh my God, no, so many one stars. What was the point of giving him a four-headed cock if he's just gonna eat her out the entire time? Also, the plot summary is like wildly misleading. End of review. Okay.

Which makes me think that maybe that Fork Tale was never involved because you're like, oh, it's brought up in the description or the plot summary I stand corrected. I stand corrected. I think uh, I think probably I set my sights too high and Sounds like shade masterson or whatever. Sigi shade. Sigi shade. I think Sigi shade is a master of um Misdirection. Oh, yes a four-headed cock master of misdirection. Oh yes. A four headed cock, and then to not even implement that in the story.

Not implement that or the forked tail. Honestly so brave. I don't know, I bet you that forked tail is what does some of, nevermind, nevermind. Wow, I hate that I even went there. Okay. Something to think about, something to think about. No, your turn.

This is from Julio and Julio sent in a grass city for him. Oh, yes. So in Bongin, you know, okay, you remember Deacon. Oh, Deacon. Apparently he's dead. Why is that so funny to you? She's loving this. It's like that time we talked about beheaded monks or something. And you're having the biggest laughing fit ever. It's not funny that he's dead. It's just funny because multiple people in this thread are dead.

What? How do you know? Because it says, it literally says, under their picture it says RIP. And then you click on their, well I had to make a profile. Wait, what? But Krist Christina, you're telling me that these people have it somehow hooked up so that their loved ones can let the other grass city people know that they've died. Trust me, I know.

But there are Deacon and then this other guy, I'll tell you about, Old School Grower. Their profiles on here have like in memoriam posts. Like, I know. Okay, so they're just like, it's just such a tighter knit community than I guess I realized. My bad. Okay, I'm like, I see.

And I also think the Deacon and then this other guy I'll bring up, old school grower are like some of the like top tier folks in this community. Or at least were. And so when they kind of like, you know, just petered off, AKA died, everyone was like, where are you? And then somebody figured it out.

But I will say a lot of them kind of stopped replying like eight years before they died. And then like somebody found out years later. Because a lot of these posts are like from 2010 I think people all kind of fell off of the Form train that released this form anyway, so Julio said To start on page 81 for some context which yet to find it and then a Halloween discussion

starts page 82 so I was like Julio, are you okay? Cause I know you've had a rough summer. Yeah, I think we know the answer to that. So this behavior enough is telling, it's telling. It's red flag. It's a red flag and it's not the kind that you should run toward in the forest. No, no, this is not good.

So I'm gonna read you a few that I've just like hand curated, you know, like hand selected. It's a curated little conversation blend, curated blend of conversation. This is by Wheelchair Kush. I hold my hits till my forehead caves in every time. Cool! Oh by the way, if you're new here, I'm sorry we didn't do another Bible break. I promise next time we'll do another one. But if you're also new here, we sometimes, and by we I mean I, read forum posts in here or Cool Cruisers, and there is sort of like an emoticon that people type in to add little emojis, and then when I copy and paste those little emojis

into my Google Doc, it writes out the word that you have to type out to like get that little emoticon going. And so when you hear me say cool in that voice, that's what it means. And actually, in case you're wondering cool I love that it's a little blue guy going like this a little thumbs up okay nice I like that I can picture that now okay I hold my hits till my forehead caves in

every time cool I know she won't mind sharing but I would like to make hash slash edibles out of the keef I have. It's something I need to learn so when I harvest I can use trimmings to do the same. Smoke. I have a lot of time on my hands, so I think learning how to will take up some of that. Remember my bongs? I ordered- Yeah. Hahahaha! Remember my bongs? I ordered two pre-coolers and a liquid freezer downstem diffuser today.

Wait till you see them. Bongin! You called it. Now Deacon steps in. Look, look, not... Okay, I'm not trying to be humble or anything, but that was the most obvious bongin that has ever been bongin. You know what's so funny is oftentimes I will think that to myself and there won't be a bong in and I'll be so deeply disappointed

You know what? I mean? Cuz it's like you had just be a you problem I'm sure it is you think you really know where the bong in belongs See you're finding out that maybe you don't you're finding out that maybe everything you knew about weed city and Bong and bongin and smoking cool is out the window but that's okay you got to learn somehow and that's why we're here and that's why Julia's here for you it's called grassy I knew I messed it up but you didn't react I was like oh maybe I got it grass city bitch grass grass city that's what it is. Yeah, remember my bongs

I ordered two pre coolers in a liquid freezer downstem diffuser today wait till you see him bong in then Deacon says Was just thinking since you're low now might not be the best time to experiment smoke liquid freezer downstem eek erection coming on roll eyes Can't say I relate to this post Deacon, I don't know what the fuck that was about It must be a good product. Oh erection coming on

Roll eyes what? What is that all about how mucho for the trio is it gonna weigh 80 pounds? Yes, it takes two eunuchs on each side to position my glass and of course three to work the carbs To what eunuchs Have you read Game of Thrones? Okay, yes, okay, just making sure Why are there there were three total eunuchs in this story though? No, five. Two to position the glass and three to work the carbs.

And I had to Google what's a carb. Oh, it wasn't a third to work the carbs, it was three. Three. I had to Google what that is. It's the holes on the side of a bong. They're holes on the side of a bong? They're called carbonators. There's holes on the side of a bong that you're supposed to touch to like make...

What's, in this context, a eunuch? A person whose wee-wee has been cut off, I'm assuming. Who's been castrated. Who are these eunuchs that are holding the... I'm so conf... Why are those involved here? Because it's not a sex thing. He's got an erection but he doesn't want you to think it's about having sex. Unix can still have sex. Can't they?

So then old school grower steps in, and I'm not shitting you, which I thought was just a funny joke and then turned out it wasn't. His bio just says RIP, which means somebody literally changed it to RIP. And like you said, I don't know if this is like some legacy account, like they can pass it off, but like this happened. What's the year? Like 10 years ago. So I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe, oh, that would be interesting. To the community. Okay. That sounds meaner than what this community would do. I'm just,

I don't know. Does it? Okay. So then here is the post by old school grower. RIP. I'm not going to read it because it's written backwards. It says, some seriously good hash mixed with crushed bud and topped with some of my golden hash oil." And then he had written that backwards. Sure.

Yeah, I don't know. So as gnomon420, I went in and I went to check what the translation was and I typed it out and then Deacon responded I never would have figured that out until I held a mirror up to my PC face kind of like Capone's accountant LOL Halloween weekend now I specify Halloween because he did spell it like our friend Pinocchio hollow Noddy's Noddy's Noddy's Halloween Noddy's Noddy Halloween Halloween weekend all the big contests are tonight. Hey JB, you guys celebrate Halloween down under? Smoke. Or is it just us fools?

Smiley face. Do love the old horror movies though. Hello! Little zombie town playin' now. LMAO! Wink face. No. JB who whose bio does not say RIP but says band Wrote haha. Yeah, we have Halloween not Halloween Haha, I think it's a bit different though I'm sure you guys are much more into it than here Usually it's just little kids with their parents walking around the streets looking for candy. It doesn't really go on too late. I once got an apple as candy. Eek! Was like sweet. Ha ha. Smoke. I think I might have to go get myself a quarter and smoke up and steal some candy. Ha ha jokes.

And then wrote, what's a good horror movie Deacon? Smoke. Smoke. What do you think Deacon's favorite horror movie is or like Halloween movie Hills have eyes. Oh Halloween movie specifically sorry no no like you're right like a scary movie. I don't know nursing the hills have eyes I feel like that's Deacon's vibe, but we're like no Deacon would really like Like army of darkness stuff like that like, like Army of Darkness, stuff like that. I don't know what that is. Okay, nevermind.

Seven, the best serial killer flick. Wow. Monmento. Monmento, super flick, one of a kind. Monster, alien, the first one's creepy. Hellraiser, Nightmare on Elm Street. Saw, Hostel is really nasty. More as I think of them. New movie I gotta see? Skyline. Looks fire. Hello!

Come on guys, good horror flicks. Dr. Fibes? An oldie but goodie. From Beyond. Great if you trippin'. Predator, both are good. Okay. Is this still Deacon talking? Yeah. Okay. Then JB says, explain this word trippin, haha. Oh my god. What is happening? It's just outrageous.

So Deacon responds, I forgot, Halloween. Jason's just playing anti-social. LMAO. Trippin means mushroom, acid, box jellyfish rubbed on your belly, platypus venom, or really kill a dank. Well, do I fire up the vapor but there goes the type in. And then he says a bunch of letters that I literally don't think mean anything. Yeah, cuz he'd hit the he's hitting the vapor So then Deacon links out of nowhere to a college humor video that no longer exists on their website Deacon is the best Deacon is already the best. Yeah Deacon then wrote Then said good to see their twisted fucks all over the world. Check the vid I just posted, some amazing shit.

Hello! I used to toss Alka-Seltzer tablets to the seagulls when fishing got slow. What? What? I feel like I'm having a stroke. I have no idea what's going on here. And then JB, guess what he wrote? Haha, sick video. Like he's like, I don't know what the going on here. And then JB guess what he wrote. Haha sick video

Like he's like, I don't know what the fuck to say to that any of that. I couldn't dare guess what yeah I love how you're like guess what he wrote. I would never have guessed anything. Like that's crazy Well, I thought maybe you'd get some of the movies like fucking No, I meant about what he'd respond to deacon throwing out the seltzer tablets at fucking seagulls Yeah, that's a bananas thing to do. No, the movies were like just very I don't know snow solid good Films I did expect a little more. I mean somewhat I didn't know but I did expect it to be a little more like Cult classic II, I guess that's where I thought like the because I definitely had to Google dr. Fibes, however, oh, yeah, see that's I I thought like the because I definitely had to Google dr. Fibes. However, oh, yeah

See that's I don't know what that is. That's a very oldie like Halloween classic type. God. I got it So JB wrote haha sick video dot dot which just feels like oof that feels that's gotta hurt And then JB wrote that's usually how I get into the bath smoke What are you? What are you talking? And then JB wrote, that's usually how I get into the bath, smoke. What are you talking about? You didn't watch the video and you're judging. Well, I tried, first of all, I fucking tried, but then it turns out it was some weird music video. I don't know.

Okay. So then he said, that's how I usually get into the bath, smoke, and then Deacon wrote, you guys bath, eek, poke. And then this is the finale which is just dry hump This is the finale where it's just He wrote one post that wasn't very interesting or related to this at all not that any of this was related to anything But there was one post and I had so many of these emoticons that I was like I'm just gonna copy paste see what happens and this is what it says This is the finale. Bong rip. Hello. Hello. Bong and bong and bong and

metal bong and yay. Hey, yummy metal metal. Hey, confused. The end. I have a plan for what you just did. Actually it's confused underscore two, which means that it's confused, but the different, not the original confused. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a different version of confused, but you couldn't call it something else because it was too similar to confused. Yeah. Um, yeah, I'm excited.

I'm glad you gave me that old sound bite, that sound thing. Why? Just, it's just a fun thing to have I don't know I've thoughts ideas things ruminating up in my brain I'm gonna I'm gonna call the police who was a lovely finale is all I'm saying fix that bed frame I'm being haunted help a ghost is banging me a ghost priest or something oh my god a ghost is banging me a ghost priest or something. Oh my god. A ghost is bonging me This got fucking exactly what we expected it got fucking weird tonight everybody

Speak for yourself. I had a perfectly normal time. Happy Halloween everyone I'm so happy that we are here and together and celebrating all our Holo-Peens together. I will say if you would like to participate in November's themes and challenges, I'll be posting the calendar to Patreon within the next couple days most likely. And that has a form there where you can submit your own reviews.

Otherwise, please come back and enjoy every Wednesday as we continue to read really you know, really well-written and astute reviews from the general population. Yeah, really, really putting together a great resource for future generations to see what life was truly like in the 2010s to 20s. Yeah, I feel like that's fair. And I feel like, yeah, I feel like once the Smithsonian, once we're done and do send it to the Smithsonian, who's obviously sponsoring all this. And of recording to space. Well, I was going to send it to the Smithsonian and they handle sponsoring all this. And of recording to space. Well, I was going to send it to

Smithsonian and they handle that. Oh, they do that. I don't have any sort of like postage to get it up there. But they they do. Oh, then how did they do that? Well, how the fuck do I know it's not my fucking pay? Is it above my pay grade, man? Okay, well, I get paid a lot. So I think that it's it is my pay grade. So I'll figure it out. You're right. That's what you get for being a rocket scientist. Yeah, I'm gonna go shoot off this episode into space. Hopefully no one ever listens to it.

Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dogg production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.