Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 314: Reviews of Snow Shoveling Services

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

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Welcome to Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me I wanted to like this podcast but I'd give it zero stars if I could. I'm gonna be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a Zanny was going to start us off because he said he had something to say, but then it was a lot of silence. Oh, I meant just after our little intro,

this is three 14 and we're talking about snow removal services and you have a challenge today, which was very interesting. Yeah. So I had a challenge and it was to find positive, positive reviews of gross candy cane flavors. Now I I'm gonna say that that was suggested by Lauren and Snow Shoveling Services was suggested by us. I have recently gotten into a little bit of hot water on Patreon by accidentally giving, I gave Abby credit for next week's challenge instead of candy

and candy was like, this keeps happening where we just don't give candy credit. So I apologize. I went back and- Specifically to Candy. Yeah, Candy. And I look back and it was indeed Candy, not the, not, so anyway, on the little calendar,

I've been giving the wrong credit. I'm sorry, Candy. So Candy had nothing to do with the Candy Canes. No, this is why, this is why this is so confusing. And Candy, if you could just stick to themes that resemble your name in the future, maybe that would be easier for me to remember. Anyway, so I apologize if I ever don't give anybody credit.

And by the way, it's gonna happen because today the challenge was candy cane flavors. I've never gotten so many emails for a challenge before ever in history. And so for most of them, I'm just gonna say about two dozen people sent this review in Instead of giving individual credit, so I apologize again But you guys are just getting too good at my job at doing my job for me. So true

They are very good at it. I love it. I know you had something really interesting to say. What was it? Well, uh, I've discovered the Spotify comments. Oh For our episodes and it's really fun. Oh my god I've heard and I just get notifications for comments on this because I turn off like all other social media notifications So and so this is the one place people can hurt me But they but they don't so okay so far Let me write that down in my planner for tomorrow because I I had plans to do that

But if you're not gonna be on any other social, if you're not gonna be on meta, then how am I supposed to bully you? This is extra fun because I have a feeling, you slash me, that we don't remember a lot of this, but this is from my Thanksgiving extravaganza. Which we recorded like a week ago, it's not like this was ages ago. This one should be good.

Puny Punster says, do non-binary pilgrim goosebirds cry? Because we had one of something else do something, something cry. Hey, I have something to add. What? Do they see in dark? Do you remember something about lizards being able to see in the dark?

Iguanas. Iguanas see in dark or something. And then there's that goana, goana named Julia or something. We've had an interesting, we've had an interesting time. But something I did want to talk about, so I love these spots. They're so silly. Okay. But something I want to talk about and someone else mentioned this salad dressing and miracle

whip. Do you know that those two are the like people call salad dressing and miracle whip. Do you know that those two are the, like people call salad dressing miracle whip? There's this whole discussion on Facebook about this in the Beach Too Sandy fan group. They called salad, wait, or you mean they call miracle whip salad dressing? That's what I meant, sorry.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. So they call. So someone pointed out that in a review I read where I was reading a deviled eggs review, the person used ranch because it said salad dressing and someone was like, how did they not call that out? They didn't follow the recipe. But to me, I'm like, I don't know. Miracle whip is what is salad dressing or that's, and it's actually says dressing on it.

Okay. I think I'm confused because to me it does. Okay, to me I think I get Cool Whip and Miracle Whip. What's Miracle Whip? Oh, it's like mayonnaise. Yeah. Which is why it makes sense for a deviled eggs recipe. But apparently that's like an old fashioned thing or like a generational thing maybe, I don't know.

Yes, I think this is the greatest generation as they like to call them would eat this I feel like on and I do see how this could be considered a dressing. I do see I will say we were talking about Cool whip which is Decidedly not a salad dressing. I think I don't think so miracle whip which is like an egg. It's it's like a mayo substitute That has like more egg or less oil than mayo or something. Do you know what mom, do you remember what mom used to, this is a sibling pop quiz.

What did mom used to keep in the Cool Whip container on the stairs down to the basement at Wolper? Cat food. No. Wait, there was a Cool Whip container stairs to the what? Basement at Wolper on like Behind the basement door in the basement door and then on the way down the stairs. There was like some shelving This is gonna be good for my therapy tell me and there was a container of coolip And so of course every time and we didn't eat that at home. Like we didn't get that

Well, this is why I remember, is because we had this one container of Cool Whip on the way down to the basement, and mom kept cockroach poison in it. Oh! She, every time I would ask about it, she'd go, still cockroach poison? And then one time I opened it, it was cockroach poison.

Huh. And then she's like, I would never. Imagine you opened it and it was this Cool Whip the whole time. But it's like pure, I guess that would be cockroach poison. Huh. And then she's like, I would never. Imagine you opened it and it was this cool whip the whole time. But it's like pure, I guess that would be cockroach poison. Guess it's just been sitting there for years. Yeah, anyway, yeah. But yes, she told me she would never actually buy me that.

So why on earth would I even ask? So, you know, to this day. She'd feed you cockroach poison before she fed you this cool whip. Big time, she was like, check it out, try it, see if you like it. Yeah, what's all that cool whip? What is it, how do you feel now?

Who's laughing now? Anyway, I should have told her it was salad dressing, then maybe she would have let it out. Would have made it, would have worked out. Okay, I have, yeah, you have something? I do have something else to say, which is that I wrote some notes last night and some ideas that I had.

And apparently one of the ideas that we had in the past that either I had in my own head or we discussed is that we would do an ornament episode on Patreon for the bonus. I think maybe I invented that in my head and thought we- Did we not never do that? I don't know. It was just in my notes.

It said, we'll do an ornament episode on Patreon for this month's bonus. Announce. Okay, maybe we did that or not. So you're saying we are doing that this December as well? I'm saying I'm making an announcement that we're doing it. Yeah, so if you wanna join us on Patreon, we're gonna read reviews of ornaments

because apparently someone, I decided that. I don't know. Yeah, there's some good ones. We had that one with the shovel and the or the kid with a oh with the broken arm the broken nevermind so that's going on on patreon also if you want to submit reviews and see the challenges and themes in advance you can hit us up on patreon as well and you can see the full video episodes and you can get ad free episodes. So anyway, that's my little plug for Patreon. Yeah, we're recording this the day before Cyber Monday.

So we're in the like retail capitalism zone. So we got to really, really sell our things. Who's going to pay for my fake Uggs if not patrons? You know what I mean? So true, get on it people. Come on. How about, sorry, I was just, I was going to say something about, I was going to say like, keep those puppies warm about your feet. And cause I was

thinking about my, my feet are cold right now. And I look up and I see in the background, is that Joan of Arc? Someone is burning at a stake and their feet with flames all around it. And I got kind of freaked out. I don't know. No, it's usually shifted. So Leona's picture is like in that space. Oh wait, this is the camera. This way you made me use a camera now you can see more. No, it's just turned.

Like I see less than I usually do on your other side. I know. Oh, you're, oh, it's, oh, what's happening there? Yes. In that, a witch is being burned at the stake. Guess what she's doing? Throwing up fire? She blowing it out?

She's lighting herself on fire? She's lighting a joint. She is not. Yeah. That's hilarious. Sherry got me this last Christmas. That's so funny. Sherry, my mother-in-law, bought me this print.

I need to see it in person. I feel like I must've been there when it was up. I just didn't pay attention. Sherry got me this print and it is so great. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, okay, that's good. It's this witch being burned and there's like a paper about her literally

with a witch tacked onto the same stake and she has flames coming up, but she's just chill with her arms tied back and lighten her joint on the flames. Sherry, I was like, you are a badass mother-in-law. I gotta say. I love it. If you'd like to see more of my house tour,

you can go onto patreon.com because that's where the video is. Of what? Oh, of us two. Wait, this is, no one can see this. It's not audio content that we're making right now. No, we are not. We rarely do.

I have something fun that is relevant to the actual episode that we're making. No, we are not. We rarely do. I have something fun that is relevant to the actual episode that we're doing that was sent in by Hannah. And Hannah was like, hey, did you know that each year they have a name, a snowplow contest in Minnesota? No. And so each year they have a set of winning snowplow names. Fantastic. And it looks like eight each year.

I love that they can't choose just one. There's so many good ones. Yeah, no, there are some good ones. And it's like funny that they're all, if they're all original, maybe they like aren't voted. Some of these, I'm like, these references are not timely at all. Oh, okay.

There's like Barbie's dream plow, which is good, but wasn't that last year, you know, the whole Barbie thing. Some of the other winners this year, Taylor drift, um, Dolly Plouton. So it's mostly pun related names. Yeah. Then there's, um, why pahente, which is a Dakota word for snowplow is one of the winners. I love that they're like, I win. I used a word that exists in another language.

Surprise. Then there's you're killing me squalls. That's very clever. Actually, that's the best rhyme so far, I think. Or fast and flurries. That's the best one. I'd change my mind. Okay. That's the best one. I'm I think. Or, or. Fast and Flurrious. That's the best one. I'd change my mind. Okay. That's the best one.

I'm gonna try to, let's see. Clear-o-Pathra, Path-tra. Clear-o-Pathra. Okay, all right. We're getting a little. That was one from last year. That's hilarious. Off the rails. I love that. That is timely, at least.

So true. Sleetwood Mac is another one. Control salt delete. Whoa! Oh, sorry, that was loud, but that might be my favorite. Blizzard of Oz. Oh, that's good. That's good.

Edward Blizzard Hands. Okay. Plowey McPlowface, that's the classic. Yeah. Plow Bunyan. Okay. F Salt Fitzgerion. Okay. F salt Fitzgerald. Okay. That's good.

The truck formerly known as plow. Only in Minnesota. Okay. I'm done. I'm done. Why wouldn't they say the artist formerly known as plow, snow plow? Cause it's a truck, not an artist, I guess. I don't know. That's an artist. Have you seen it do its artistry? Fair. Maybe I'll call it. Hold on. I'm on the edge of my seat. This is gonna be so worth it.

Whatever she says, it's gonna be worth all this time it took. Ice. worth all this time it took. Ise. God, everyone ready? Aren't you so excited? I hope you grabbed a drink or something. My beer bit. Sorry, I think it cut out when I said it. So let's move on. Oh, weird. Oh, shoot. You're right.

It's really weird. And I don't think I'm editing a single second of that silence out. I Can't do it I've gotten so much better at cutting out all the I desperately started looking for either something to something to imbibe a beverage anything But no nothing here to save me by the end, I forgot what you were doing. That's how long it was taking. If you couldn't tell, I did too. I couldn't tell. It's pretty obvious.

Do you wanna read a review? We haven't even done that yet. I thought you were gonna read one, but I didn't know we were. No, I just, I wanted to start with what Hannah sent in. Oh, my bad, Hannah. Okay, you did? You seem not to.

Well, what did Candy send in? Cause I wanna make sure we don't fuck that up. Sorry Candy. Actually yeah, Candy also sent that in. Candy sent in everything I have. We're just not gonna give Candy any. Okay, so I have one, this is sent in by Liz Sheher. And then put an emoji, which I honestly,

and then wrote, is that the emoji that XT makes a funny sound to describe I hope I got it right Please make the sound and I can't entirely remember but I'm gonna make the sound that I think when I look at this and okay Liz you can tell me if it's right or wrong. Okay, this is it's a colon dash or sorry colon hyphen s lowercase s So I think it goes mirror Or like good mirror. Yeah, so I don't know if that's right, but anyway. Yeah, no, that sounds like something that you've done for that.

Merp, maybe more like a toad. Okay, so this is a one-star review by a company or of a company, excuse me, called Wilmo Lawn. Okay, this is a one-star review by Mike. Their truck broke down and was blocking traffic, not knowing it had broken down, I beeped to have them move the truck to move. An employee got out of the truck and said, it's fucking broke.

Not a good way to get my business. End of review. Oh, is that why they were there to get your business? Like their scheme failed. Also honking and shouting at them is probably not a way to get them to get you their business. I don't know. Like you guys are a good fit for each other. You know, maybe find a different. That's a very good point. I don't think either side is too torn up about having a business with each other. Yeah. Yeah. This next one or by next one, the first one I'm bringing was a review that was, uh,

I was talking to my friend Collins about us recording and immediately she found this review. Here's a one-star review. This is of a state of California Caltrans. It's the like the truck page that what? Oh, nevermind. Okay. Sorry. Go ahead. It's the page that it's not an official page. It's the page people seem to use to complain about snow removal. Oh, it's not official.

In orange California. Yeah. It's like, it's, no one has claimed this page, but here's a one-star review, okay? If I could give them a negative star, I would. I hate Caltrans. They have one damn job, one, and that's to plow the damn roads. But do they? No. They sit on their fat fucking asses all day and get paid for it.

Why do we have a plow service if they don't even do their damn job? Fuck you! End of review. Whoa, and they just post this on Facebook. This was Yelp. Oh, Yelp, I'm sorry. When you said nobody claimed the page, I just kind of thought, okay.

But so this is, which I love when people don't claim Yelp pages. Yeah. Because to me it means like, oh, they don't want any part of this, of this bad press. Uh huh. The only picture on this page is a picture of these, uh, what looked like cake bites, like little popsicle cake things. Cake pop.

With a sticker on it that says happy retirement, Ben Caltrans. Oh, I thought you meant on the reviewers page and I went no they used to work there. It's not that deep. No on the Caltrans which is California Department of Transportation. So somebody tagged the government pay the the unofficial government page to post about their retirement, but still nobody wanted to claim this as their own. Wow. Yeah. If anything, that might've been the reason why cake pops. That's a nice like little retirement twist up to a cake, you know, it seems like a lot less work. Yeah. Yeah, right. And a lot more COVID friendly. So if you worked for us, yep, that's the greatest twist up ever.

Okay. I don't think we want to go promising anybody a cake pop when I don't even know how to obtain one. Yeah. Maybe microwave mug cakes. Oh, yes. I could probably Pinterest that This is from Marissa. She here. It's of Liberty Lawn and Snow Services LLC in Michigan now I wrote here that this would be a Fun one to read I Don't know why I wrote this at a live show. Maybe I just wrote like Live show here so that in the future I can if we ever go to Michigan I can I can pull this.

I don't know why you said that if we ever go to Michigan. If we ever which like we obviously don't plan on um but if if if hell freezes over and we end up up there just kidding. Okay this is a one star view by MG. These chuckle fucks get hired to make as much noise and pollution as they possibly can, blowing two leaves around one lawn. I doubt they use any tools besides backpack blowers to do all their work. Loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate. Why do you need that whole trailer to block a street when all you are doing is blowing

leaves around, not even cleaning them up, just hours of blowing? Go blow each other in your work truck, it would be quieter. End of review. And then there's a response from owner. What city did this happen in? We like to know. So this person posted this two weeks ago, around October 20th. I responded with the question above, no response from this individual.

Please take this with a grain of salt if you look at this review for reference for choosing Liberty Lawn. The guy who's worried about noise pollution probably wants us to show up with an electric car, electric blower, and mower. So it takes us five times as long to accomplish a minimal task. Just saying. Just saying, signed Liberty Lawn. Just saying. They're just saying, I love when they say it so much and then they're like, just saying. And then they're like, oh, needless to say. And it's like, well, if it were needless to say, why did you say so much of it? Why did you say so much? Now on their page, I have pictures of their trailers. Cause remember how he said like, oh, the trailers are blocking up the whole street.

So I just, well, you know, much like Ben's retirement party, Cake Pops, these are the only two pictures I could really, actually no, that's not true. They had a lot of pictures on their Yelp, but these were the first two I noticed. I'm texting them to you. So these are just the two trucks.

I mean, I zoomed in and read, there's nothing that interesting. There's just, I zoomed in and read it. There's nothing that interesting. There's just like a Statue of Liberty on it. And yeah, it depends on which one of these he saw, but it looks like the newer upgrade is even bigger. So, you know, if he blocked the street with that, it wouldn't be a fun experience.

I'm just picturing that happening and literally these employees walking around with their backpack blowers, just blowing leaves one way, blowing leaves the other, just back and forth, just taking their, that's what I do. It sounds the most fun. Like, come on, live a little reviewer, join them, you know, if someone's hiring you and you show up and there are two leaves, like what are you supposed to do?

Tell them to put more leaves down? Like, sorry, they gave you a job that- Especially when there's like a four hour minimum. Yes, precisely. They said they were done, but they were gonna be charged for four hours. And they said, no, you're not. You gotta blow them back and forth.

That's how I, what I do with everyone I hire. Don't you dare go back in the truck and blow each other. Cause I know. That's too quiet. It's too quiet. We need to make more of, we need to make more of a scene in this neighborhood. What a stupid bar.

It's like the bar is literally two people leaf blowing. Hey, it would be a lot quieter if you blew each other. And like, it's like, yeah, it would be a lot quieter if you did pretty much anything else, literally anything else. If you went to Kohl's and spent all your Kohl's cash tomorrow, okay. You know what, just as gay, but like in a less

like public facing, you know. Just a suburban, oh wait, okay, go on. Okay, here is a, it's a lot quieter is all we're saying. Here's a review that was sent in by Brooke. It is a one-star review of Blake Miller something something lawn and landscape. Their landscaping services are all right but their snow plowing service is a criminal fraud. Came at 5 a.m and 7 30 p.m after 1.5 feet had fallen long before and after they would do any good they would have been more effective if he had just come up

onto my stoop and relieved himself there the salt and urea might have prevented further accumulation and of review what is this young Sheldon what the fuck kind of weird sentence is that? Oh, maybe this urine will crystallize. What the fuck are you talking about? The salt and urea might not prevent on further accumulation. What are you talking about? Is that supposed to prove your point?

I was on your side until you said that, reviewer, and then I was like, what did you just say? That's like you took it a little too far and made it really weird. I didn't even know urea was a thing. I mean, I've never heard it I figured what they meant but like I think I learned about that in context College biology, but that was about the extent of yeah, they didn't teach me about the snow part

I remember one of the first things I did when I downloaded rocket money It was ask them to lower my phone bill and I kind of didn't think it would happen. And it happened and they did all the work for me. It seems too good to be true. It's like how is there a service that says, hey, you're spending a little too much money. How about I fix it? Like what?

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with the purchase of a three-month Mint Mobile plan. Honestly the longest part of the process may be the time you spend on hold waiting to break up with your old provider. We got Mint Mobile set up on the TOUR iPad and it has actually worked super duper well. It's amazing when we go to a place with limited Wi-Fi or when we're driving from city to city and I can still do my research and, I don't know, forge for eggplants or something. Find out how easy it is to switch to Mint Mobile. To get started, go to mintmobile.com slash beach2sandy. Right now, all three month plans are $15 a month, including the unlimited plan.

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Remember just saying Liberty lawn. How could I forget? So this is Yeah, I knew you wouldn't. So this is a one star view by Chris. Came to our elderly neighbor's house, quoted him at $100 to rake a front yard of leaves. Proceeded to disrespect our neighbor, cussed out my mother, ran their mouth all the way back to their truck, continued to call names and harass as they drove away.

End of review. Here's a response from the owner. Hmm. Okay, that's it. That's the only response. I was buckling up. I was settling in for something. That's it.

Well, here's the next response from owner. By the way, that, I just realized that review by Chris was written eight years ago and the hmm was a year ago. So seven years passed for one word answer. So this is the second one. This is by Shane One Star.

And it's just a rating. It says negative responsiveness, quality, professionals, and value. And the response from owner goes as follows. Very interesting. Never even seen or spoken to this Shane Harrison. Hmm, thanks for the like. Probably just a hater or something.

End of review. Oh man, I didn't expect them to have so many words. Yeah, well after the hmm, they had a few more years to kind of like get it together and think about. And then, but once I heard hmm, and then I heard very interesting, and I thought, surely they must be done here. Surely that's it.

They're already triple their word count from before. It's almost like they put that in there and then they went, wait a minute, this must be a hater or something. I should warn people. Or it was like, or they were like, oh, they let you do more than one word responses. Oh, oh wait.

I didn't realize I could add another sentence. And they leaned over to their buddy and said more than the wife, am I right? More than the wife is allowed to say? Is that what the joke is? The joke was more than the wife allows. Oh, the. So a little less a little less upsetting

That was a really I'm glad that landed so well Uh-huh. I Have something I'm gonna steal that name that you just made up. What was it Shane? Harrison? No, no, I tried for 10 minutes Shane Harrison? Oh no, I tried for 10 minutes. Uh, Shane Harrison. There was a one, there was a one star, let's say negative because I don't know exactly the star rating on Liban's quality services, LLC snow removal services. Uh,

this is something I found apparently, uh, and it was a negative review and the owner said this, um, hello, our company has no record of business history with Shane Harrison, nor do we have any brothers running the company. I believe this was posted in error or on the wrong company. It would be appreciated if this could be removed and posted to the correct company, okay?

And here's an updated review, okay, by Shane Harrison. Five stars. I am so sorry. My negative review was a mistake. I'm sure these folks do a great job. End of review. That felt historic, you know? Like, I feel like that never happens. It feels like something we would do and then feel very weird about and never talk about again. Um, that's incredible. I don't, you're right. It's, this is definitely a, um, a milestone for sure. It is. I feel like I've so often people don't update the reviews. They say sorry, but they leave it at one star. So if the fact that they removed any negative thing, they said updated to five stars and apologized.

Imagine that shift in internal energy when you're, or just emotional energy when you're like, you got a response from this company that you fucking tore apart and you're like, I am so mad already, what did they even have to say to me? And then you open and they're like, hello, we're sorry. And you're like, what have I done? I just imagine this is a very dramatic experience.

And honestly, hey, look, they got a five star review out of it, to be fair. I actually felt like that was a little fishy slash phony, not fishy, not phony, but just kind of unfair, like cheating a little bit. It's like, well, okay, I mean, you can't say you're sure they do a great job. How are you sure of that when you literally

have never worked with these people? We've proven it, Shane. You're right, Christina. This place sucks. What if they are just so bad? What if this company just sucks? Yeah. Now we'll never know.

Maybe I can look at their other five-star reviews. They don't have anything lower than a four-star, so. They all say, I'm so sorry. I really thought this was a company with a brother. They actually do. They just changed the name like once a year to get people to like, yeah. What are you talking about?

It's the ultimate scam. Okay. That's the ultimate one, that is it. That's the ultimate one? That is it? That's the ultimate one in my book. Live In Equality Services LLC in Milwaukee, Wisconsin figured it out. Yeah, we never saw it coming. This is from Brooke.

It's of SPS Snow Removal. One star. I'm excited about this one. Okay. This one is okay. Okay, one star. I'm excited about this one. Okay. Okay, one star. Not the pre-snorts. I can't. So you know it's good. Oh my god. Okay. This is a one star by Solomon. The vibe is shifting quite rapidly over there. I thought you were, I'm just misreading it. You seem very like, haha funny.

And now you're just like so uncomfortable. I can't decide where to land. So, okay. Yeah, we're just gonna go for it. The biggest loser shit talker in the city of Rochester, Lorenzo Fiorentino. This guy has gotta be the biggest joke anybody has ever dealt with.

Hired him to close my pool. He was the only one that could do it, everyone else was booked, now I know why. Quoted me one price and charged me another. Never bothered to tell me about the additional cost, just handed a bill to my wife. I left him a bad Google review. See below at the text he sent me after that. Yeah, I'm gonna be begging you to stop lol. Lazyass left all the ladders for my ingrown pool sitting on my deck and all the

boxes from the chemicals he brought laying on the side of my house. I guess the garbage can was too far away. Claims didn't want to put the ladders in the shed because they were dripping water. Also stated I could handle it myself even though I'm 1200 miles away. And he knew that, only gets better from there. Stated he was sending the attorney general to my house and also the police. Does this moron know the attorney general doesn't go to people's houses? He does now.

After he called and they said, no, you may not speak to the attorney general. Then stated he was sending 500 people to my place of employment to shut it down. All the texts are below. Then told me he wanted to cage fight me and that he was a professional MMA fighter with 15 years of experience.

I checked with a couple of my boys up in Rochester. Nobody's ever heard of this clown. Google him on the internet. Nothing about MMA fighting, but he's a professional who fought in the cage for 15 years. Moron can't even spell cage fight. See below.

End of review. Okay. Now- Wait, did you read this before? I don't think so Did I is this the one labeled live show or is that another one? No, that was another one because this is in Rochester, New York cuz like oh, okay. Never mind I just sounds so familiar like so weirdly familiar like the one where somebody

like a door dash person me or somebody got into like a, or maybe a hot air balloon. I don't know. I feel like there are. I feel like there are a lot of kind of similar interactions. Yeah, nevermind. I think you're right. I'm pretty sure this one's new,

especially cause I actually have photos this time. And I don't think you should. Okay, nevermind then. Oh, an SPS no removal. I want to say Yelp, maybe this is a pattern. The Yelp page is unclaimed and it only has one review, which is this one star. This person created the page probably to write this review. For sure.

Because, what did I call him? Wow. By the way, Lorenzo Fiorentino. This guy's name is like basically I asked, I tried to avoid AI, but I said to some AI, chat duty, like give me a name that's like this, but not, but like a different name. And I found that that works really well.

It's like same energy, that's interesting. Yeah, yeah, same energy of the name. So now I have some photos, here's Annie. They're photos of texts, so I don't, and they have phone numbers on them, so I'm not gonna read that, or post the photos, but I'm gonna just read maybe some of the screenshots,

because this guy came with receipts. What did I call him, Solomon? He came with receipts, okay? Alexander, there's one text I would like you to read, or I would like to read to you. Okay. First of all, there's one where he starts calling out his cousin and I'm like, wow, this is getting heated like Bringing somebody else's cousin like that's like Romeo and Juliet. Oh it is big time

So is the sonnet that was sent next? Okay Okay, here is the the most important this is what this hinge is on here. This text was sent in and I wanna be clear, remember how he said cage fighting, right? And then he said, oh, he doesn't even spell cage right. Here's what it says. Dude, I don't need to explain myself, it's on site. I fought in a cafe for 15 years.

So now I of course read that the first time before I read the review and thought, I'm so confused. He never said he fought at a cage fight in any of these texts. And then I realized, oh, wait a minute. He's saying cafe is a typo, but I'm saying maybe he fought in a cafe for 15. I think it's more impressive.

Like he was a bounce. Sorry, In what world is that more impressive? Like he's like, um, like he's like a top boxer and people come to fight him at the cafe. Yeah. Well, it's in like Amsterdam or something. Why does, why would, why would Amsterdam? They just have like a little more interesting cafes over there. You're not wrong, but I don't think it's because you can box people like this.

He also said I fought, which like maybe he fought for our civil liberties. Oh, or that too. Yeah, it could be any. Yeah, he probably did fight for our civil liberties in that cafe. He was, you know what? He was a fucking slam poet. He fought that cafe. He was, you know what? He was a fucking, he was a fucking slam poet.

He fought for us. In that cafe you'd stand up at open nights. Open mic. I, wow, that's, that's beautiful. Beautiful. I, oh, here we go. So you find a cafe for 15 years, you're done. I want heads up hands on you.

Wanna do it in my, wanna do it in my octagon. Let's do it. I got guys ready to bet. You want to do it in my octagon. I've got an audience ready to throw money at us. They're all going to meet us at the cafe. throw money at us. They're all going to meet us at the cafe. I love it so much. I just think that you would, you want to do it in my octagon is like so sexy. You know what I mean? So erotic. Yeah. It's impressive. It's like very erotic energy in this whole Yelp review. I am going to read one more here. That was my last one so. Okay perfect.

Here's the five-star review. This was sent in by Izzy. Oh that was sorry that was from Brooke. I don't think I said that. Oh thanks Brooke. And you know after the candy situation, Candy Gate, I've gotten really paranoid. You have. Here is a five-star review sent in by Izzy of get plowed LLC in Green Isle, Minnesota Has that been a winner in Minnesota? Oh, hey has that been a winner? Is that like a trademark issue like if somebody submits that as? You know, what do you mean? Is that a sorry of the snowplow names? Yeah. Oh get plowed. That was not a winner of the snowplow names that we discussed? Oh, get plowed. That was not a winner.

What? I know, I was just wondering, I wonder if you could submit that because it's pretty clever, but then if it's a company in Minnesota, it might be a trademark issue. You can't. Oh, I see.

You know what I'm saying? Maybe you need creative rights. It's their intellectual property, all that. I feel like that would be rejected for family reasons first, but maybe not. I don't know. It's not that bad. Oh, I guess that's a good point.

I figured the government name contest thing feels like they would avoid any sexual references. I guess that's true. Is my thought. So presumably this is not the company that's contracted out for that, if there is one. All right, fine. I don't know how snow plowing works, believe it or not.

Yeah, I mean, listen, you're right, okay? Are you happy? Here's a five star review. Professional, timely, and great attention to detail. I would recommend getting plowed to anyone looking for a one time or regular cleanup. End of review. Hey, you wanna get plowed in my octagon?

We got a whole audience. We've gotten people ready to bet on this. Ready to pay money, ready to bet on us. Oh boy. Octagon we got a whole audience Ready to bet on us. Oh boy Plenty of your Ria to Crystalize the path. Yeah, that's fucking horrifying Well, it's a good thing we're at the end and that I came up with a snowboard gotta go Oh, I'm gonna call it slop and high market it more gotta go oh I'm gonna call it slop and high market it because it's like an untimely review from last year yeah and it no that doesn't work okay

This is my challenge. It was positive reviews of gross candy cane flavors and I got so many. I mean, I'm telling you, I think I didn't even get through half of the reviews and I was like, I already have 20 good ones. I've never gotten so many for a challenge. So thank you to everybody. And I apologize that I'm not gonna individually name most of you. Most of the reviews that were sent in were about the same series of candy cane flavors,

which I think is why they were the most notable ones out there. So Alexander, I'm gonna, over time we're gonna see kind of the different varieties that have really risen to the top. Captured the nation's attention. Something, there's some gross ones out there. I know you're gonna read them, I'm just like,

oh, I've seen them. Is there one that you know of that's like extra gross or like, what would be like the grossest one to you? Cause to me, I was looking- I think I've seen like a clam one, I don't like clam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like any seafood one, those are gross. Okay, that's what I was thinking. I bet maybe, because I have sardine ones

and I figured maybe those would be pretty nasty. And then, but there's one that- Yeah, anything like that that's salty, like that doesn't, ugh. Yeah, there's a couple that I think you would actually fucking hate even more maybe. But okay, so this is a review of the sardine candy canes. And this was sent in by Jair, plus a lot of other people.

This was before I stopped trying to keep track. This is a five-star review, verified purchase. And by the way, a lot of these were made by Archie McPhee, the kind of gag gift company, and a company called Accoutrement. And I figured out that Accoutrement, I believe is the parent company of Archie McPhee because there's some connection and sometimes it has a-

We had that on Amazon, I think, that like the sales- It was Amazon, yes. Their Amazon name is like different, I don't know. So this is a five-star review by Ryan, exactly as advertised. Yuck, but good yuck. End of review. No.

That's horrible. These are just to ease us into the idea that people actually like these things, okay? Now here's a five star review of Sardine Candy Canes by Anthony. Verified purchase. What a great gag gift. Seeing people face when they try these

are worth every money. End of review. That felt like a bot, but okay. Didn't it? It's worth every money to see your face. Yeah. The next one we're going to escalate a little here and we're going to talk about Archie McPhee's possum flavored candy canes., I do want to point out these are gluten-free, so for anybody suffering from celiac, I think you are safe. You're in luck. This is a five-star review by Thomas,

and it's a verified purchase, and the title is, "'Smells Like a Nasty Ass Slim Jim'." Verified purchase. This is perfect for when you're tired of your kids and you want to be a little bit mean, because what parent doesn't want to have revenge on their ungrateful kids at some point? End of review. Dear God. You know, it got like really upsetting and I was like okay not even a joke in there to lighten the mood.

Yeah. Just like remember when you're really pissed off at your kids. What are you doing with these candy canes? Yeah well oh oh I'll tell you what. They hang them on the trees. Do they look like normal? Yeah. And then they hang them on the trees or they mix them into like other candy. And then they say like, kids, don't eat that. And then like tempt them.

And then like when they sin by eating the opossum candy cane, they want to die. And it's like, haha. Just like the Bible. That's worth all the money in the world to see your face like that. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a biblical thing. Was it? The apple, like don't eat the forbidden fruit. And then they do. And then suddenly they're like, where's the flavored God? And you're like, that's not nice. Cover me up, cover me up. And they're like, don't worry. Here are your Christmas jammies Yes, and that's why we invented April Fool's God invented April Fool's Day on that day So all the pranks wouldn't be on Christmas anymore. Yeah, that's Jesus's birthday

yeah, so this is another review of the possum flavor and It is a five-star verified purchase by Mitchell by the way I'm really grossed out at the description to it says Archie McPhee possum flavored pink and gray striped candy canes Can I send you out of the picture or a link or no? I can picture it I don't know. It's a candy cane that supposedly tastes like possum like cooked possum like I Like cooked possum? Like...

I... Here, here, here, here, here. Oh, here we go. Here's some clarity. They have pink and gray stripes that taste like artificially flavored porky possum. What? That doesn't tell me anything.

I think they put fake meat taste on it. Like bacon bit flavor. Oh, it said pork like fake pork flavoring gross That's horrible Okay, here's a five-star review Got these for my nephew for Christmas and he thought it was hilarious We both tried them and they seem to have a broth flavor So that's nice they should try that out in a recipe Sort of bully on cubes or ever just melt. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's like artificial pork

Flavoring. Oh, yeah toss that into your ramen. Just like mix it up The good thing is it's fake. So it's probably vegans Andy Maybe yeah, I was thinking about some fix. I was thinking about it. I know how much I would try it if it's vegan Yeah, okay. Well, we'll get to that cuz I was saying else I want to say oh Which is that I think we should do a taste test stream on patreon At some point. Okay, sure. At some point. Once we go through all the different flavors.

Because I would love to do a taste test thing. You know, where it's like, oh, can you blind taste test? Like, what is the flavor? Oh, okay. If you want, we don't have to. But we do now, because I said it on the podcast. Okay, this is a mac and cheese candy cane review. And this is where I start throwing in a couple negatives just for fun.

This is a two star review by Ashley called The Smell and Taste. But two stars. Okay. And it's a verified purchase. I bought the mac and cheese candy canes for a friend's birthday. She loves to try weird and crazy foods and I thought this would be perfect. And of course I was willing to try them. The first thing you notice is a normal yellow and white candy cane.

First of all, that's not normal. Sorry, I feel like I should interrupt quickly to say, what do you mean a normal popcorn? Buttered popcorn. Right? Like the jelly bean. I'd turn right around. I'd be like, uh-uh. No, thank you. I hate buttered popcorn flavored candy. be like, uh-uh. And I'd go, no thank you. I hate buttered popcorn flavored candy. It like makes me wanna puke.

It's so nasty. It's not good. Yellow and white candy cane, nothing out of the ordinary. That feels like she was also saying like, it's just a normal candy cane. Try it. It's nothing out of the ordinary. Like, yeah, you sound like you're about to pull

some sort of poison eye. Throw me in an oven and cook me up. Yes. Once you remove the plastic, you are smacked in the face with this awful smell of ass and cheese. I was so repulsed by the smell, I didn't think I had it in me to taste it. Being the trooper I am, I took a small piece

and I put it in my mouth." Okay, nobody asked you to do that. It seems like this was more your idea than anyone else's. Like they're sitting here alone doing this. Right? Like they're like, I'm such a, I had to do it for tea, for God and country. Like what? Nobody asked this of you, Ashley. Okay. Maybe God did. We don't know. We were not privy to that. So I would hold off. I watched the entirety of Midnight Mass yesterday and I feel like maybe this is a calling from God. Ooh, that's dangerous.

Let's get through this episode. I didn't sleep much last night. Okay. Uh-oh. Being the trooper I am, I took a small piece and put it in my mouth. To my surprise, the flavor was not horrible. I knew you'd like it, you freak. I knew you'd like it, Ashley. You get a hint of... We just knew. We knew you would like it. The two stars, though. You get a hint of sweetness mixed with cheese. If you chew on

the candy cane, the flavor is less harsh. But if you let it sit in your mouth, the cheese flavor becomes more intense. Okay. I feel like this person should be a TikToker and like have either their own channel where they teach, like just talk about, cause this is really fascinating that somebody would take the time to figure out whether the cheese flavoring itself comes out in a, you know. All right. I have to expect them to like update in a year.

It's like a year long of fermentation and the taste is slight. It feels academic. The way they're approaching it. I've started putting them into my ramen and now it feels like there's cheese in my ramen. I don't know. I mean, I'm starting to make fun of Ashley. I'm sure, I'm sure it tastes similar. There must be something worthwhile about this candy cane. Something I can put it into my routine. It says, I will say this is a product

I will not be repurchasing unless it's for a gag gift. It seems like, I don't believe you actually, because it seems like you bought this as a gift and then open it yourself and then wrote an entire journal experience about how it was. But also I'm a little confused. They said that's a, it, I think by nature it's a gag gift, mac and cheese. So you're, it was a successful gag gift that didn't actually taste that bad. Was it even so bad? And you gave it two stars because you wouldn't buy it again? Well, no shit, unless it's for a gag gift. Well, that's the point. I don't think this person has the right

head on their shoulders. I think they need, I think God needs to intervene. To them candy canes maybe are just so important that they're like, you know what, if I, they value a traditional candy cane and maybe some other flavors, maybe they like the Starburst or Skittles candy, whatever they have. But maybe to them, this was an affront to God, to candy canes, to society, and they reviewed it accordingly. Just because it tastes good doesn't mean it's good for society and humanity as a whole.

I thought on that for a moment and you're right because they did say you're smacked in the face with this awful smell. And so like clearly this was like a battle to be had. And then when they committed and tasted it was like, oh, the gauntlet, like, you know, they know this is their big enemy. And honestly, beating the enemy wasn't as hard as they thought.

So maybe that's what it is. It's like, oh wow, Goliath wasn't as cheesy and salty as I had expected. Unless I let him be soggy in my mouth for a few minutes. Yeah. So these are gravy candy canes. Now that sounds gross to me. And I will also add that some of the other flavors

that I didn't even get to include, but we'll do if we ever do like a streamer bonus or something, there was sour cream and onion was one. I know. There was- That gets me for some reason. I'd rather have gravy. Yeah, that one was gnarly.

Well here, let's do gravy first. So this is a five star review by by Dave of Gravy Candy Canes. The title is Yum Yum, Eat Some Gross Stuff. Okay. See, this is the intended audience for this kind of product. For sure. And this is a flavor named Gravy Verified Purchase

written 10 years ago. Wow. I've been wanting to get these for a few years now and I finally did. Gravy candy canes taste like petrified horse manure with a sweet aftertaste of rancid hogwash. I placed one on each of my co-workers and directors desks for a good laugh. Just unwrapping the candy, easy disguised as caramel candy canes, unleashes a vile stench that could best be described as a vile shart.

It spells sharp but there's a hyphen in between sh and art. I don't think they know how that works. That could be described as a vile shart which made my co-workers worry about my diet. We can all picture this person, I think, in the best way. Yeah. Yeah. For a good laugh, get them. I love terrible food and this was inedible. I cracked off a one centimeter piece and sucked on it for maybe 10 seconds and I had to spit

it out. End of review. Yikes. Imagine though, you open a candy cane and it smells like rancid. My first thought would be, how does a candy cane go bad? I don't know how, but this one did it. Like, this one, how does candy cane go bad?

And then like, get, you know the water fountain where you flush your eyes out, I'd be like, everybody quick to the decontamination station. Something terrible, Bob has brought in another contaminated substance into the office You'd pull the lever on the shower and it would like brown gunky water would fall on you because it hasn't been like cleared And it's gravy and it's great And this has all been a Nickelodeon style prank that somebody on YouTube spent far too much time and money on.

So anyway, the next review I have, which is also one of my least favorite, is of hot dog flavored candy canes. And this one is a five star review by Ellen called My Granddaughter Loves Them, Verified Purchase. They're Fucking sick. Yeah. Hot dog candy canes.

They smell like wet dog food. My granddaughter loves them. The weird one, not the other one. End of review. And that was sent in by Corinne and I think several other people. I just love that so deeply because then I clicked on the profile and it looks like a grandma.

I love that. I love that. I aspire to be the weird one, but not at the cost of a hot dog candy cane. I was going to say that was like Francisco when we were younger. Yes. Yes. Yes. And like maybe still now.

Maybe. Okay, Alexander, this one I thought maybe would be your least favorite. And I think we should do a taste test of this one if you're willing and if they're vegan. These are rotisserie chicken candy canes. Oh. And they're from a website called Perpetual Kid, entertain your inner child.

And the whole website, if you need any sort of like visual is basically M. Schultz's brain, and your inner child. And the whole website, if you need any sort of visual, is basically M. Schulz's brain just exploded into a webpage of anything, kitschy, lava lamps, kids' toys, random comic stuff. I mean, just anything you could think of and weird prank gifts, Archie McPhee, just all the strange little prank kind of.

And then I thought, oh, this is perfect. I could buy M a bunch of stuff. And then I was like, there is no way in hell M has not already perused this entire website front and back. So, okay, so this is a five-star review, verified buyer of these rotisserie chicken candy canes. Not for the faint of heart, er, taste. Get it.

What? Is that it? Oh, that's the title, sorry. Oh. Yeah. These are just as vile as you would think, and it was wonderful. I bought them along with these other flavors

by the same company, pickle, bacon, and clam. I used them for a work Christmas party where everyone got to taste them and try to guess what the flavor was. I mixed them up between sweet candy canes as well to throw people off. It was disgusting and everyone was cracking up. These were even worse than the clam ones.

The smell lingered on my hands for hours and it took a lot from my mother to get the taste of this one out of her mouth. Definitely served its purpose. End of review her mouth. Definitely served its purpose. And oh, it served its purpose. That got so weird at the end. Mother can't get this out of her mouth. Just like I intended.

Just as we all wanted for her. Imagine it being all over your hands, like chicken flavor, like, oh, blah. It's making me start to think that the way they, well, maybe this is just a stupid thing, but it's just the smell. It sounds like it's just really strong smelling. So when you eat it,

the smell seems to be a huge component. It feels like that would be a huge component to it tasting like this thing. Well, I bet, eat it, it's like- The smell seems to be a huge component. It feels like that would be a huge component to it tasting like this thing. Well, I bet, like, you know, it's like when you, they say like, I'll plug your nose and like it'll mute the taste a lot. Like- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's always a thing, I guess, with food,

but I suppose. I don't know. It seems like that is exactly what's happening is you unwrap it and you're like, like somebody said smacked in the face of it. Like that's been a running theme for these disgusting fucking- It has been. you unwrap it and you're like, like somebody said smacked in the face of it. That's been a running theme for these disgusting fucking, because when I open a normal candy cane,

I'm not like, oh, that's so minty smelling, you know? I know, I know. It's like, you know, the cartoons of like Pepe Le Pew where like the stink would kind of have a life of its own. That's sort of what it feels like. So I wrote idea, let's do a taste test stream for patreon here because after that I thought this sounds like fun and That way we can get that all over our hands for many hours this at this point This is when you thought it was fun. Once you've realized mother's mouth could

Have rotisserie chicken flavor into mother's milk. Oh wait Sorry, I met sister dance. Sister Susan. What was her name? Something like that. Sister Amy. Sister Amy. What was it? Monster milk? What was it called? Sister Amy's milk. I really don't think it was anything deeper than sister Amy's milk. I dipped it in sister Amy's milk. If you don't know that reference, don't worry, neither do we. Neither do we? And then we went to one of our live shows and they said, Oh, do you want to see where the merch table is set up? We were like, sure.

And we were like, what are these pins? I know, but I was like, Alexander, please tell me what this references. We're selling like dozens of these sister Amy's milk pins. And he goes, oh, it was funny. I don't remember what it was, but it was funny. And I thought, I hope so. Yeah, it was. OK, so the last is my last one.

And I also wrote after the bonus episode, what is going on here? Oh, after we posted the bonus episode to Patreon, I'm not trying to do a Patreon plug, it just has been like more active over there, I think, so more stuff to talk about. But I do have it on good authority now that at least seven people, Alexin,

are interested in us doing a livestream commentary of Spookly the square pumpkin. And so if seven people are interested in that, then maybe more people will be interested in rotisserie taste test. We'll see. But we still haven't done that other one or the ornament one. So write that down for your future to do list. And then you haven't done. Okay. This is my finale. It's of sardine candy canes. And it's a one star because I wanted to end on a negative to like just, you know,

flip, flip the script. Flip the script. Yeah, this is probably the funniest one. This is my favorite one at least. This is a one star view by Tia and it's called Save Your Money Verified Purchase. Bothy's intending to prank my brother-in-law. We were on the edge of our seats when he finally grabbed one from the tree and chomped down. And kept chomping. And chomping. He stopped to ask why we were laughing and continued to eat

what he called the rather bland candy cane. For good measure, I tested it again on a teenager who was surprised to learn they were supposed to be disgusting. For the price, the manufacturer should have ensured a robust flavor. Kind of their only job. Don't waste your money on this. End of review. As Eli said, who also sent this in, they said, some people complain or a lot of people complain that the sardine flavors were not fishy enough, which is just one of the darkest things I've ever had to read in a journal. That is disgusting, but that's so funny and so opposite of the person who was like, oh, this mac and cheese one,

I would only buy this as a gag. Imagine them reviewing this that way. Oh, so I also love the idea like, oh, I was trying to prank my brother-in-law, but instead of taste it myself, I tested it on a minor. I said, hey, child, and it doesn't say my teenager, it says a teenager, so they're like, oh, here, and with a name like Tia, I'm like, it's probably, what,

your nephew or something, and you're like, hey, just try this, but I cannot imagine any blandness of flavor that sardine would still taste normal on a candy cane, even if it was so stale. Like, there has to be some salt or brine or something nasty in it, right? Stop brine, oh my gosh. I'm just saying.

I don't want brine. A kelpie flavor, I don't know. No, I don't like that. But apparently they're not gross, which I would beg to differ, is what I'm gonna say on that one. Hey, you gotta try it, I guess. Maybe they've just tried all the other ones

and they're at this point. Or maybe the brother-in-law is doing the reverse prank where he's like, what are you talking about? These are delicious. And then she eats one or gives them away or poisons a teenager. This was early 2020 and they had COVID and didn't know. I was gonna suggest the same, Zanny.

This was in 2022, so I mean, it's possible. Yeah. All right. All right, that was fun. Thanks, everybody. was fun. Thanks everybody. That was a good one. Yeah, that was a good one. And I'm telling you that I have probably 45 more. Um, so we'll have to do a, maybe in December we can do a bonus with that and not ornaments. Well, Zandy's, well Zandy's coming home for a bit for the holidays. So maybe we can do some in-person streams or something. I don't know, we'll see. We'll figure something out, hopefully. Yeah.

Patreon.com slash Beach Two Sandy, Instagram.com slash Beach Two Sandy. You know, we're with, TikTok.com slash Beach Two Sandy. You can find us. We'll be there. We'll see you there. And talk to you next week.

We'll be waiting. Beach Two Sandy, Water Too Wet, is a Forever Dog production, hosted and produced by Zandi and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura, We'll be waiting.