Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 315: Reviews of Christmas Albums

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

Hopefully this is the closest we get to a full musical episode. We have merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This is for you, the Canadian Armed Forces, a message from the Government of Canada. The Canadian Armed Forces, a message from the Government of Canada. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. ["The Most Dramatic Fashion"] Hello and welcome to BeachG Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

My name is X Teen. My name is Zandy. Hello everyone. We're here today with our second installment of our four part advent calendar. Today is Christmas album. Christmas album reviews. Okay, that one's not news to me. I knew that. Um yeah welcome to this one and my challenge this week was to find reviews where someone was upset it didn't snow.

Mm-hmm yeah and that was from Candy and I got in trouble about saying that it wasn't. I mean I didn't get in trouble. I got in trouble with myself. Oh poor Candy. Well Candy's about to get in trouble. I got in trouble with myself. Poor Candy just didn't get credit. Candy's about to get in trouble. No one gave me anything, not a single email. Wait, Candy, after all that, you didn't even send in some examples for us? Wow, this poor Candy is gonna be just like... Who did I used to bully all the time? I used to bully Brad, I used to bully Gregory.

There's a lot of- You've bullied so many people back in the day. Man, I can't stop it. I will say though, I'll feel bad for Candy when we live in a world where Candy is auto corrected to Zandy and not the other way around. Yeah, there you go. Just saying, I'm the victim here.

Normalize the reverse typo. Yeah. I'm the victim here. That's right. Anyway, would you like to go first? And bring us a lovely review of a Christmas album? I would love to go first. So this one comes in from Claire Sheher,

and it's a review of the Michael Buble Christmas album, obviously. Of course it is. And it is a five-star review. Oh! Yeah, I'm gonna start with just like, I'm gonna like put us in the holiday cheer, okay? Okay. So this is a five-star review by Zachary.

The moat, wait, can we put like jingle bells under the music? You know what, I'll find something good. Just like a, you know how like you can just add some jingle bells and it sounds festive? Sleigh bells, sleigh bells. Yeah, I'm, and that's all you want. You want an actual song or just the sleigh bells?

In the lane. I'll try it, I'll see what sounds good. Snow is glistening. The most phenomenal Christmas album to ever exist. It brought my wife and I back together after a messy divorce. Her kids are eternally grateful for this. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

XOXO, end of review. I hope that's real. Do you think it's not? It's probably not, right? It's probably not, but I hope it is. I don't think Michael Buble has that power. Don't hope it is. I don't hope it is.

I don't. I don't hope that like your marriage is so untethered that like it's held together by just the magic of Michael Buble's one hit wonder Chris, not one hit wonder that was rude, but I mean like at one album, wonder Christmas sensation, you know, I feel like that's a lot of pressure on a very tenuous situation. That's a lot of pressure on a very tenuous situation. As children of divorce, I think my view is,

divorce is a good thing. It's not what people plan for. Alexander Sheefer, pro divorce. I am, I think people change and people divorce and it happens, relationships evolve, whatever. Look, I've always felt that way because my logic, I once had like an argument with someone in high school who was like criticizing someone else's parents for being remarried so many times.

And I was like, my parents have literally been- To other people, not like to themselves. To other people, not to each other. Yeah, but like how many divorces they've had. And I was like, oh, have literally been- To other people, not like to themselves. To other people, not to each other. Yeah, but like how many divorces they've had. And I was like, oh, my parents each have had more divorces than that. And also- We keep finding out about new ones. Not really.

The best thing was we keep finding- That's kind of how it went at one point. It's like a little bit. It was at one point that is how it went. And then it stopped being that way, I promise. For now. But there's no shame there. That's the thing, as you know, it's whatever.

Divorce is a thing. Anyway, but my final thing was, oh, my little sister wouldn't exist if it weren't for divorce. And then I was like, wait, I wouldn't exist if it weren't for divorce. And she never argued with me again about that, so. Why would you not?

Oh, wow, the math is math-ing. Yeah, believe it or not, same for you. You wouldn't exist if it weren't for divorce. That can't be right though. Cause I would, you know, I was meant to be here. You'd find your way. You were actually, you weren't immaculate conception. That's true.

After hell and I water, I would make my way down here just to bully and traumatize you. That was for candy. Sorry. way down here just to bully and traumatize you. That was for Candy, sorry. Candy was like, oh, what a world where she doesn't exist. And you're like, no way Candy, nice try. I'm still coming for you.

Unless you build a time machine and then like make my parents stay with their first partners. Anyway, Michael Buble didn't bring our parents back together and it's for the best. I tried! We tried so hard! We released our own Christmas album in order to dance in the living room. Yeah and to like, I once orchestrated a whole routine to Good King Wencesloss and the Bare N naked ladies version of God rest you, Mary gentlemen, which is always on my top 50 Spotify playlist. Even though the Spotify wrapped comes out before Christmas. Um, it's just like a banger, you know?

It is, it is. Um, it is a banger. You're right. And at the end of your performance, the thing, the grand finale is you were going to kill our step parents to make, to like force our parents together. And you kind of bungled the whole thing. And that's, okay. Well, it started off, I was going to try to get our step parents together, like a parent trap. Oh yeah. Yeah. But then I realized that there's more power. I went like the Machiavellian route instead,

because I learned about that in social studies. And I thought, you know what? That's a better way. Let's just eliminate the competition. So as the slave elves jangled, you know, Let's just eliminate the competition. As the sleigh bells jangled, you know, I. You took out that clam candy cane that you had been sharpening from in your mouth. You see you lunged, you lunged, but alas, you missed. On that fateful day. I always knew I needed to pay more attention in PE.

When we did those fencing classes. Anyway, I'm going to read a review. This was sent in by Izzy. This is of the Taylor Swift Exclusive Holiday Collection. Oh, God. And this was. I thought there could not be an album with more opinions than the Michael Buble, but actually this one might be.

Oh, this one probably. Well, this is ridiculous. Here's one from less than a month ago, November 12th. Here we go. One star. Too old for pop music. Getting to look thick. Sadly, not a fan anymore. Seems too old for pop music, getting to look thick. Sadly, not a fan anymore, seems too old for pop.

Getting thick in mid-rough, very sad. She struggles to hold her mic? Time to exit. Took back for refund and got Holly Dolly Christmas album, 100 times better, end of review. You know Dolly, so slim and young. It's insane. So youthful and scrawny.

The mid-rough, it's all about the mid-rough. You get thick in the mid-rough, you're gonna lose your fucking fan base. And that is how it always has been. Why do you think we podcast Head, Shoulders Up? I don't need you seeing my mid-rough. Reading this review and then looking like that is from November.

I'm like, people still are like, like that's crazy. She struggles to hold her mic. What are you, have you seen her tour this past year? On the album? Like, isn't it a fucking CD? Like, what are you talking about? The whole thing felt more of a commentary on her than... Because getting thick and mid-rough is that maybe it came through in the music, you're right.

Maybe there was like a little more baritone than usual. Oh wait, but there is a song where she keeps dropping the mic rough. And there's like this bouncing noise. She's like, oh, sorry, that was my mid-rough. The microphone bounced. She's like, oh, I, that was my midriff. The microphone bounced. She's like, oh, I can't bend all the way down to pick it up. My midriff is getting really thick.

And then I think it's the one where she sings about how she grew up on a Christmas tree farm. Cause every time the mic lands, it's kind of soft. So it like sounds like pine needles, but you're like, oh, if you really, like the real ones know that's just her dropping the mic over and over. Yeah, that's you and me. We're the only ones who know that. We're the real ones who know. Cause we her dropping the mic over and over Yeah, that's you and me. We're the only ones who know. We're the real ones who know because we've dropped our mics over and over

Yeah, wow Alexander that is and also I gotta say like this first couple I don't even want to say sentences because they were absolutely not full sentences, but They felt like Donald Trump like Christina. They all do thick and midriff very sad Very sad, that's the one that like, ew, ew, very sad. I mean, and then he just like starts making shit up, like, oh, it's very sad for her that she's so. Title is literally too old for pop music,

comma, comma, comma, space, getting to look thick, but thick is capitalized, I don't know why. Is it like thick with a K at the end? Yeah, it's not two C's or anything. Can you imagine like if you thought Taylor Swift was an overweight example of a human being and then you look around at like, I don't understand how, how warped you must be. Unable to hold a microphone.

You can't even pick the microphone off the floor because she's so rotund. It's so upsetting. This woman is genetically engineered to be very, very small already. And then she literally like exercises more than anyone. Her insane amount of wealth allows her to look a certain way. And even if she didn't, like that's what's so fucking crazy. It drives me crazy. Anyway, I kind of wish you would, you know what? I wish you would just kind of like get

thick one day just so that this person could have their head explode. Cause I think they wouldn't understand what to do. Yeah. And I would love, I don't like commenting on people's looks, but I just would like to see this person, what they look like standing next to Taylor Swift but I just would like to see this person what they look like standing next to Taylor Swift. I just would like to hear them read this review. Yes yes yes I would like to hear if they're really confident in this thought process. With the microphone in their mouth. Holding a mic in their mouth. That's not how it works I don't know how to hold one. Alexander's still learning.

That's why we have stands for our microphones. I have always been thick in the midriff though. Yeah, we can't. I've also been very sad. We've got to stabilize the mic. Maybe this is about me. Yeah, wait a minute. Holly Dolly Christmas album is a hundred times better

than any album I've put out. So maybe this is about me. You are getting old. Time to exit it says. Time to exit it says. Time to exit. It literally says time but it's capitalized. What's that song? Like release the clowns? Is that the do do do do do do yes oh no wait wait no send in the clowns send in the clowns that makes more sense. in the clowns that makes more sense. They're fucking like it's not even they're like literally they're in cages dying to get out. No they're in those little tiny cars.

Although I think send in the clowns that it means it's ending right? Oh it's like for the end of the show? Oh if if the show isn't going well, let's send in the clowns. Let the lady with a big midriff sing is how it ends. Fuck off, I thought you were going to say something very wise. That was on me. Okay, your turn. Oh, is it already? Okay, this is...

It's cool, just go for it. This is a review. I'm not going to tell you... Oh wait, no, no, that's an accident. This one is a one-star view sent in by Gwen She her and it's of the Jethro Tull Christmas album. Wow. I did not know Jethro Tull had a Christmas album. Yeah You do now and I'm wondering real quick. Well, do you have a favorite Christmas album? Probably Jethro Tull's Christmas Probably Jethro Tull's Christmas album. I should have asked before and after. I don't, I don't listen to Christmas music really.

I told Alexa to play it. I know you probably love Bare Naked Ladies. Well, don't even act like I haven't. Good King Wenceslaus actually is like. Good King Wenceslaus is my hit, my banger of the year. Okay, so this is a one-star view of the Jethro Tull Christmas album called Fresh Snow at Christmas. And it's a one-star view of the Jeff Hortel Christmas album called Fresh Snow at Christmas.

And it's a one-star view by Robert. Seemed anti-Christmas to me. More of a winter solstice album. After listening to this, it just didn't feel right. It was not a celebration of Christmas. Wait, I just realized this was reviewed on June 19th, 2012. Here I am trying to celebrate Christmas in June, but instead I'm celebrating the winter solstice. The winter solstice, oh no. Maybe they're located somewhere

where in June it's winter time. That's true, but, that's true, I don't even have like an argument, you're right. No. Oh wait, reviewed in the United States on June 19th, 2012. I forgot it says the country. Okay.

Well. Are there any territories that are in the Southern hemisphere that have- What do we own in the other hemisphere? You know? Okay. Okay. Sorry. Here we go.

June 19th. All right. Whatever. After listening to this, it just didn't feel right. Okay, okay, sorry. Here we go. June 19th. All right, whatever After listening to this it just didn't feel right It was not a celebration of Christmas and all that this holiday represents from either the secular or religious aspects It seemed more about other things of winter Not at all the kind of uplifting celebration of Christmas that I want in my Christmas holiday music collection Every of those is capital Christmas holiday. The CHMC.

They take it very seriously. Very. I wouldn't even give this away. It hit the trash. End of reveal. Gee. Wait, so they're in June basically prepping their CHMC universe, MCU for six months in advance. So they're just like prepping their preppers for their Christmas album preppers, Christmas album preppers. Yeah. Wow. And they start, well, I mean,

you got to listen to the Jethro Tall in June, I guess. To really weed out the bad ones. You know, you gotta, yeah. Now let's see this. This is a far away from Christmas as you can get and it's really interesting because like I just hit Robert's profile and like he gave he gave sticks concert DVD five stars but not their Christmas concert I'm sure their concert Christmas concert he wasn't he wasn't there he was at a manger or something. Yeah true. Well I wonder what they think of this next one that Izzy sent in, this album called Instinct's Home for Christmas. Oh very Christian, very proper,

very godly. Unlike the last review, this review was written December 24th, 1998. No. I read it like three times to be sure. And it's just right in front of 1998. In on Amazon? On Amazon, a one star review of Nsync's Home for Christmas from 1998. This is beautiful. This feels like a little time capsule. I'm so delighted.

It's fun. Here we go. Nsync's is not real music. Do they play their own instruments? No, they're nothing but one hit wonders. They might be popular now, but look what happened with MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice to name a few. The background instruments are just cheesy.

Not one guitar string plucked on the entire album. They are merciless imitations of the Backstreet Boys. Some of these. I was like, wow, this must be a really big Eagles and Sticks fan and Chicago and oh, no, just Backstreet Boys got it. But they're merciless about it. That's important how merciless. I have no doubt. That's totally how I would describe them.

Some of these songs are just a disgrace to Christmas. important how merciless it is. That's totally how I would describe them. Some of these songs are just a disgrace to Christmas. The best showing here is probably Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Kiss Me at Midnight. But even those are cheesy and horrible. Everything sounds like you'd hear it in line while buying popcorn at the movies or in a bad soap opera. So to all the teeny boppers out there, listen to some real music like The Beatles, Radiohead, Beastie Boys, or even Marilyn Manson. End of review. Even Marilyn Manson, wow, that must mean you are cool, guy.

You get us kids. Hopefully they don't see Marilyn Manson the same way 16 years later or whatever. Yikes. And hopefully they just still don't have opinions about all of these things so strongly this many years later because there are a lot of unfortunately bigger issues that have come up for a lot of us since then.

But I mean, if that is the only thing that's, I guess. Yeah, since I was five years old, yeah, probably. Well, imagine I was just thinking like we were kids and I definitely owned that album at one point I was more of a Backstreet Boys, but I wasn't merciless Because I just didn't I was just ignorant. I didn't know enough to be merciless about it But if I had seen that I think it would have really hurt my feelings back then I mean now it doesn't but I think back then I would have been how could you say something like that?

They're working so hard and I would agree with it. Okay could you say something like that? They're working so hard. Look how they dance. And I would have agreed with it. Okay, maybe not when I was five, but when I was a little older, I was like, yeah, the Beatles are the only real music. They play their own instruments.

I know, and also it's like, well, they play their own instruments. Imagine if they had to play like, like what instruments are they? Like a keyboard, a synthesizer. I don't know. I feel like if they all play their own music, it would just be like a weird techno dance. Techno, right? It is weird. I don't know. And like, there's always someone, I don't know, there's always something like this. It's like Mariah Carey. You don't see her up there fucking strumming a guitar. Granted, maybe that's not a

fair comparison with singing talent. I don't know anything about singing talent, but oh boy. It is kind of funny that like I feel like NSYNC is just not... they kind of went the way of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. No, you think? Yeah! No, because those two, those, Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer had like one song. I feel like in sync, at least people still know like a dozen songs of theirs. I would argue that those one songs were bigger than any Backstreet Boys song though. What do you mean? Like I'm saying, yeah, they might've only had one song, but that one song was bigger

than the, sorry, than in sync. Oh, I was like, wait, now we're arguing in sync. Now see, I was confusing them because I'm always like, oh yeah, Backstreet Boys is the main one. They're kind of the same to me. I don't know. Um, but I know that sounds terrible, but whatever. Uh, I'm just saying they weirdly, they weren't wrong. I don't know. I just watched that docu series about Nickelodeon, that really upsetting one. And they talked about in sync quite a bit. So they're still relevant on Hulu or HBO. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's something. I saw him in a documentary recently. Doesn't that mean they're still friendly? I think MC Hammer was in like a Super Bowl commercial recently okay well there you go yeah so so the answer is yes all right we all love a good deal right but it has to be relatively easy no one wants to jump through hoops just to save a few bucks turns out there really is an easy way you can get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three month Mint Mobile plan.

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go to mintmobile.com slash beach2sandy. That's mintmobile.com slash beach2sandy. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash beach2sandy. That's mintmobile.com slash beach2sandy. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash beach2sandy. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Your team requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with

live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. I have another one here. This is sent in by Liz, she her, and it's interesting to read this right after the one you just read, speaking of instruments. I'm not gonna tell you what album this is because I think maybe you'll find out immediately. This is by Carol Lee, verified purchase four stars. The title is Love the Saxophone but Kenny G is a very talented man but for a Christmas CD I found this to be a little too jazzy for my taste. End of review. What are you doing picking up a Kenny G album then? I need to send you immediately. The cover or something? Yeah and I will say also now that I'm sending this to you I

realized that it says Amazon's Choice 200 people bought in past month and that's the audio CD version that people are buying. Incredible. Look at that. He's holding a saxophone or it's at least in front of him. Is that a saxophone? I assume so. It just looks weird. Maybe he has a special one. I don't know. I don't know if saxophones, but it's like kind of hiding in the corner, you know?

I don't know. I think it's kind of glistening like, oh, you know what I'm about to bring to the table. I will say with Kenny G, it's like, I feel like you should already know by now, people. That's his whole thing. That's his whole thing, huh. Oh, that's absolutely his saxophone. I'm sending you a picture of him and his saxophone now. You're never gonna believe this.

Tell him to show it to me. Seniors can't believe this one trick used to cure fibromyalgia. Look at this. Oh my gosh. Why is it so straight? I know he has a special kind. It's so erect. You know, it's not like norm. I feel like the saxophones I'm used to seeing aren't like that. But I haven't seen many saxophones in my day. Obviously. That's to say the saxophone I have doesn't look like that. That's why I'm confused. We all, all saxophones look different. Okay I need to read more about that. Kenny G, let's just say I've got saxophone envy. Look at that guy. Look at that guy. A little too jazzy. He's smooth with that thing. Okay.

That was good. Okay here's my next one. I have a five-star review now of Christmas by Michael Buble. This was sent in by Ellie. Here we go. He has emerged and he is very cool. Even though it's not Christmas and I'm getting monitored on my Chromebook, I still give him five stars for making my Christmas better and my ears relax. Happy New Year's and please do my homework." End of review. What the fuck is happening?

I think a child in the computer lab just is really into... My Chromebook is being monitored. That's like, does that mean like, yeah, your social studies teacher or your computer lab technician like has access to your history or teacher or your computer lab technician has access to your history or what? Like your Chromebook is being monitored. But I had to risk it all to let you know. And I love that they're like, it's not even Christmas, but it's like New Year's, right?

Yeah, it's like same season apparently. Listen, it's not June, okay? So you got some work to do. They must have gotten Christmas and they're stalking and they were listening to it before heading back to school or something. I don't know. Or once getting back to school. I guess you're right because they're at home if it's New Year's so they're probably being monitored. Maybe it's a school computer, maybe it's their parents computer, but oh man that cracks me up. My computer's being monitor. That's the one that they're like,

I know it's some, I'm giving five stars to a Michael Buble Christmas album right now. I'm foregoing getting on Reddit or Discord or wherever I could actually cause some trouble, stir up some trouble, Club Penguin, I'm gonna go let Michael know how I feel. Michael Buble review. And imagine, I mean, I don't know about this

But I imagine if your parents saw this they wouldn't I mean, I don't know I feel like most parents wouldn't be like furious. It didn't Maybe it was I mean, it did say you're supposed to maybe be doing your homework. So that's yeah, that's probably part of it Wow, good one All right. I just went to my tabs and I accidentally clicked release the clowns. No. Which I needed to get rid of now

because it's really gonna haunt me. Apparently that's the name of a podcast also. I'm surprised that's not what we named ours. I'm also surprised we didn't name our show Send in the Clowns, because apparently it does mean, or I guess release the clowns. Send in the Clowns means like, okay, the show's a flop.

Let's let the clowns take over. So it feels like maybe that is apropos for us. Yeah. Okay, so this last little bit here, or the last few that I have are from Lindsey, she, her. And this is a review of Christmas in the Heart by Bob Dylan. Oh.

And interestingly, we actually got some insight here from Lindsay. She wrote, note one, I have no idea how this got such great ratings. I find this album absolutely terrifying and I am a Dylan fan. Two, I know this review is long, but it is funny, well written and does give a pretty good summary of the album.

So we're gonna learn about this. I don't know this album. I'm curious about this. Yeah, I don't know it either. I've never listened to it. We do know some Bob Dylan. He was one of our, he's one of our dad's mixtape go-tos. This is a three-star review by,

I'm gonna say his full name, Thomas D. Ryan. And it's a verified purchase. It's three stars. So it's, Hux and I don't know if we should do, I guess pause it, I don't know. Well, you'll decide at the end. The title is It's Great, No It's Awful, But It's Great. So there's really no way to know what music to put.

I think maybe. Yeah, that doesn't help me. Maybe just silence, okay. Maybe just sleigh bells. More sleigh bells throughout the whole episode. Yeah, just like really loud ones. I'm breaking a personal rule of mine with this review. I swore that I would never review

anything before listening to it completely with near full attention for at least two passes. The very existence of this disc scares such fear into me that I feel that I could never commit to two full listens without developing an intractable opinion, and I admit that my anticipation borders much more closely to fear than holiday cheer. This is Bob Dylan, pause required. Old, cranky, legendary, impossibly inscrutable, another pause required. Bob Dylan. He's been with us, all of us, for over 40 years. The guy's a Jew for Christ's sakes, most of the time anyway. And in the middle of a nearly miraculous career rebirth, he offers us a Christmas album?

The first track is Here Comes Santa Claus. I haven't even started to play the CD yet, but if you were me, what would you expect? Do you need to think about it? As I already pointed out, this is Dylan. I haven't played a single note of this disc yet, but A. I'm showing an obvious tendency toward prejudgment, and B. I feel drawn in, like a moth circling a gas lamp. I can't help but wonder how relevant it would be if I were to actually expose some of the lyrics. Let's try it. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Wow. Another pause is definitely required here. As I type this, I'm hearing it for the first time, and I'm dumbfounded. This album's very existence is as improbable as monkeys on the

moon. Okay, the heck with it. I admit it, I'm suckered in. How would, how could Dylan possibly sing this, I ask myself. The answer, I'm feeling, is quite well., I'm suckered in. How would, how could Dylan possibly sing this, I ask myself. The answer, I'm feeling, is quite well. Maybe I'm enjoying way too much holiday cheer at this exact moment, but Dylan just sang Winter Wonderland and I felt like drinking eggnog. He sounds forced as he croaks slash sings, Hark the Herald Angels Sing. But as I listen, I wonder if his interpretation may have value for breaking down religious barriers. Our culture has thoroughly analyzed every syllable that Bob has ever uttered, right?

Maybe non-Christians will finally be able to interpret Christmas songs and apply totally new meanings to them. Or maybe that's crazy. This album is simply too weird for me to predict how any individual person might react in terms of quantity It's generous with 15 tracks. One of them is little drummer boy I'm fascinated by the existence of this like I love that we Spotify now we can just like lyrics I was like what they're normal like he's just singing Christmas song. It's like he showed up at your doorstep to serenade you.

Except not as cool. I'd call the police. Yeah, me too. I don't like calling them. I would never, that's how bad it is. That's how you know it's an emergency. Bob Dylan is croaking on my doorstep. All right.

One of them is little drummer boy. Another is must be Santa parentheses, which encased three exclamation points. Apparently that's part of the song. He's just so excited. But he has to mute it with parentheses. Of course. But there's authentic stuff here too.

Like, a deste fidelis, which, Christ, I only know how to say that from, you know. I don't. Chorus, quiet chorus, whatever. Christmas. What do they call it? Carol of the belt no Carol of the bells. Yeah, that was a thing wasn't it? No, what's the thing we do at school? It was a I haven't reached that part of my therapy process I have any there that's right up the past Carol I know you're talking about though Carol's and stories or the fuck

Was it not carol of the bells? No, that's a song I don't know what they had it lessons and carols. Oh Dear god, it's even worse than I imagined lessons and carols The fuck was that about I don't remember. now. I just feel like that kid now. Do my homework. Somebody do my homework. I can't. My Chromebook is being monitored and now I'm talking about lessons in Carols. Ugh. Okay. Let's see. Where are we? A Death's Day Fidellas and the first Noelle. The packaging conveys the dichotomy as well as anything possibly could. The cover shot is pure Courier and Ives but inside is a shot that looks like vintage pinup girl Betty Page. The music walks

the same crooked path. It teases me with flashes of relevance, but then succumbs to stereotypes that border on the psychopathic. The Christmas blues is easy to appreciate. Oh, little town of Bethlehem, on the other hand, definitely is not. Once again for the 50th time we can't tell if Dylan is toying with us or if he's simply following some extravagant muse. No matter 50 years from now my kids will try to capture the spirit of Christmas for their own grandkids. Doing so they will be armed with Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Phil Spector and perhaps Bob Dylan. Christmas albums come and Christmas albums go. Despite everything we throw at it, I believe that the spirit of Christmas will nevertheless

survive. As Bob sings, have yourself a merry little Christmas, B, or maybe C, or maybe A. You figure it out, Tom Ryan. Tom, I needed that. I needed Tom to explain this album to me before. I needed it too. I feel, it felt like a little like friendly nudge in the right direction, but also a warning, you know? There's a warning in there. Like, hey, like.

You know what it's like? It's like that, it's like a TikTok or social media trend. Like I did this so you didn't have to. Like, and now you can decide whether or not to move forward or not. It's like, I'm not gonna like shit all over this, but I'm gonna tell you it's fucking weird. And I'll give you a little taste so you don't have to like go jump in yourself.

But yeah, this sounds like, I'm a little curious. My interest has peaked, I'll say that. Guess who I am. Oh, little town of Bethlehem. And then a harmonica. La la la la la la la la la. Is that your harmonica sound? That was pretty good.

I mean, I don't have one on hand unfortunately. You made me put it away while we record, which I still don't understand. But oh little town of Bethlehem. Oh, and then we get some, did Janice ever do a Christmas album? Cause you know, did Leonard Cohen ever- Christmas! Stop!

I don't live it easy. Yeah. Did you, do you think that Leonard ever wrote one? Because I feel like that would be the ultimate confusion. Like that would be the ultimate joke, like prank. I don't know. It would be something. Because if Bob, well, I guess not.

Because Leonard already sings about Jesus, even though he's very Jewish. So I guess, huh. It's too late now, huh? No, he's right here. Christmas time. Oh, he's right here. Restless time. Oh, he is here. And then I'll be the background.

Hallelujah, hallelujah. You gotta have sex with a lot of women and do some drugs and then go be a monk for a while. Is that what he did? Leonard Cohen? Yeah. What do you mean? I mean, I knew he went and bought a monk.

Well, no, no, no, no. Although I knew, can you get arrested for a slander Beheading a monk? After he's dead? No. Okay. So I think I knew about the monk part and how he got robbed by his manager. Yeah.

That's why I got to see him live. Oh, I did too. Because he went on tour after that. So he lost all his money. And then my boyfriend at the time made me leave early because he was tired. Good times. That trip ended well. And then on the way home from the concert he broke up with me.

Yeah. It doesn't feel very Leonard Cohen. Jingle bells all the way. Yeah. It doesn't feel very Leonard Cohen. Jingle bells all the way. Yeah, true. Like, doesn't that feel like I should turn on the Bob Dylan Christmas album and be like, yeah, this is exactly how it feels? Because it was December also.

Yeah. Oh, little town of Bethlehem. Oh, sweet to your reign. But I mean the one in Pennsylvania where the steel workers are dying. The steel makers. We both say we're not steel makers. And they're trying to fight the man,

and the man is fighting right back. How long will it take before we're all at peace, like little baby Jesus in his manger? And Mary is fucked by the man and has a baby, but it's not literal because I'm Bob Dylan and my friend Leonard's writing some things with me about Mary Magdalen. And it goes like this. Remove the stone from your eyes

and I will throw myself off a cliff All for you Jesus Yeah, that was beautiful, yeah Leonard Cohen Christmas out the songs Hallelujah, okay technically That feels like a stretch. I don't think the Christians get to just take that. I don't think that's how that works.

Okay. Bird on the wire. Have you listened to that song? Christmasmusic.com. You need to get it together. You're gonna really send somebody into a tailspin. You're gonna send somebody to a tailspin telling them to listen to famous blue raincoat on Christmas Eve

Are you out of your mind? Are you out of your fucking mind Christmas music? Who do you think you are? I need to report this to the Better Business Bureau Merry Christmas Sincerely L Cohen. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Xandie. I like that No, it's so good. I'm so glad Christina. I did that's good. That's good, Zandy. I like that. No, it's so good. I'm so glad Christina. I did that for you. Okay. Yes. I have a review. I'm trying to read. Okay. Um, here's,

why don't you just fucking read it? Jeez. I'm trying. Here's a review. This was also sent in by Ellie of Christmas by Michael Buble. This is my last Christmas review before I switch to my challenge. Here we go. Five stars. Cured my illnesses. The best singer of all time. No one in this generation of musicians can match his silky smooth tone. He is unequivocally one of the magnanimously and most momentous singers of all time.

Frank Sinatra, although one of the greats, would die to sound like Michael Bubbles. He is nothing less than show-stopping, talented, brilliant, adept, clever, proficient, endowed, ingenious, capable, versed, gifted, skillful. His music has changed my life completely. He fills my life with unconditional love, happiness, joy, tenderness, appreciation, passion, enchantment, bliss, elation, euphoria, glee, et cetera. For him, I truly have such devotion, adoration,

affection, dedication, as well as being one of the greatest singers to ever live, he is incredibly handsome too. He is sexy, good lookinglooking dapper kissable delicious enchanting libidinous Libid libidinous what fuck I don't know titillating arousing and altogether a real ride of a anthropod For all of these reasons I believe that he is God come down to bless us with his melody

He also invented jazz. I wish he was my dad just so I could call him daddy. Michael Bubbles music fills my belly with tasty yummy flavorsome sweet music. He also cured my asthma. I used to use an inhaler daily, now only once per anum if I listen to Bubbles 10 10 times a day shut down all hospitals and instead of Michael boobles constantly playing I love him so so much please go fund me so I can meet him end of review 17 people found this helpful they're all going to hell I already there yeah Claire sent this one into and I actively avoided it. Avoided it? I didn't. I was so hoping. I sought it out. I was so hoping nobody else sent this in.

Too bad. And I'm not thrilled. So, wow. I don't feel bad about it. Felt like a little bit threatened when they said he's endowed, because we already discussed Kenny G and his big sacks. And then all of a sudden, they throw out,

oh, he invented jazz? This is where I draw the line. Wait, why? Were they wrong? I just feel on behalf of Kenny G, as I usually speak, on behalf of him. That's fair. It's really pushing it.

Yeah, because he's the one who, he's the white person who invented jazz, not Michael Buble. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. I didn't even like make that connection.

In my mind, Michael Buble is from like the 1800s and Kenny G is from like the early 1900s. So I just didn't know the invention of jazz. Yeah, like I didn't realize, like that was in my head you know well it's like okay Kenny G invented jazz and then Michael Buble refined it you know what I mean is that what it was okay and made it his own nobody else has really had brought it to the masses you know I would say for sure and like I don't think that anybody else really has any claim to that.

It's like when you think of the jazz greats and you think of like who really is like the foundation, like who's holding it all up. Kenny G is down there for sure. Holding up Michael Buble, but Michael Buble is like a bigger presence in jazz and I think is more influential. He's a bigger presence alright. He's a bigger presence and then Michael Buble is holding up the movie La La Land which is what did the most for jazz in the history of jazz. Oh as someone who saw that in theaters I can surely attest to that. Yeah as someone who's definitely seen him before for sure definitely 100% watched the whole thing through myself. I wasn't busy eating

Raisinets and not watching and looking at my phone because it was really long. Yeah I was busy listening to Taylor Swift's album and I was couldn't stop looking at her midriff and yeah well you're trying to somewhere else to go and I found in that rabbit hole on Reddit trying to figure out how to like what those sounds were it turned out it was just her dropping a microphone dropping her mic. Everyone had like fan theories. I just Googled, what are those pine needle sounds? Yeah.

It sounds so familiar. It turned out it was her dropping her mic like a clutz. I wonder if she practices now with Travis, you know, if they like throw the ball back and forth, throw the mic back and forth. She has been wearing like football gloves on stage, I noticed. I assume that's for grip. That has to be grip strength. If she's been dropping that microphone, I'm sure they have her working on that.

Oh, I have one more review, actual review. This is of Jessica Simpson's Rejoice with a Wise, Rejoice the Christmas Album. Oh my gosh. Yes. That is a Christmas album? Apparently. It's like feathered hair

and it's Jessica Simpson. And it's called Rejoice the Christmas album. So here's a one star review. Calling all senior citizens. This CD is very old fashioned. Hark the Herald Angels sing, little drummer boy. I saw mommy kissing Santa are just a few awful songs on this album. They'll make you want to throw up.

The only people I can imagine listening to this CD are senior citizens who dig BS music. I used to like Jessica Simpson. Her albums Sweet Kisses and Irresistible are awesome. Christian music can be cool too. Just check out Stacey Orico's genuine album. It's filled with smooth R&B, hip-hop, and pop songs. Jessica and Nick are basically trying to milk their popularity while it lasts. Newlyweds, Desert Beauty products, this B.S. CD. If you are considering giving anyone Rejoice as a Christmas present, then you really must hate them. End of review. Oh. And by the way, that was written in 2004, 20 December 10th.

So in a week about, it'll be 20 years ago. Wow. That's funny. Cause like, yeah. Sharissa, if you're still out there and you remember this, go delete it. No, just kidding. You can let it live as a testament to your past opinions

or your current opinions. Maybe you still feel this way. I mean, when they like listed all those things, I'm like, yeah, they probably were milking it. Hey, it's like any tick tock star now. Of course, anybody's milking anything. Oh, I'm not criticizing. Yeah. It's like you see a tick tock star and something big happens. And then suddenly they're like everywhere and they're like in a Cheetos commercial and you're like, how did this happen? Well, yeah, that it feels it's like, because they probably got paid more for that than a year on a full year, like the year before.

Like, yeah. And listen, not that we're getting defensive, but we got to pay the bills. This episode is brought to you by Cheetos. Cheetos, give us money. They're not vegan, but I have no standards because I need money. The imagined exterior features compelling proportions and precise detailing. Built with integrity and purpose, the interior boasts robust, durable materials. Whether it's the all-terrain capability, ample cargo capacity, or innovative camera technology,

the Defender 110 lets you go further and do more. And with seating for up to seven, everyone can enjoy the journey. Learn more at LandRover.ca. This is an ad from BetterHelp. This holiday season, do something for a special person in your life. You. Give yourself the gift of better mental health. BetterHelp online therapy connects you with a qualified therapist via phone, video, or live chat. It's convenient and affordable and can be done from the comfort of your own home.

Having someone to talk to is truly a gift, especially during the holidays. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com. ["The Daily Show"] Anyway, thanks everyone. My turn for my challenge. Yeah, don't forget, I know. I used to do that a lot.

I should have just pretended that we were done. I used to do that a lot where we'd say, okay Bye, and then you'd like wait for me to realize that we've already been like here for almost an hour but don't worry because Nobody helped you And some of them okay, I'm just gonna start with what I found here we go My first one is a two-star review of the Bromley Mountain ski resort. Oh, just a reminder, my challenge was from candy, was to find reviews where people complained it wasn't snowing or something.

Didn't snow. I don't know. Here is a two-star review of Bromley Mountain ski resort. This is in Peru, Vermont. Oh, whoa. It's number one of four things to do. Whiplash. In Peru, Vermont. One of four, okay. One of the four things is a taxi service, so.

Okay. Not much to do. Here's a two-star review though. Snow Report apparently written by the sales department. I came up here to ski for two days, yesterday and today. The snow report indicated it was going to be very satisfactory. Instead, what I found was a dusting of about a half an inch of snow, either man-made or wind-blown, over a very hard scratchy icy surface, not boilerplate, but hard to dig your edges into. I'm in the parking lot right now for day two of my ticket,

which unfortunately I already paid for. I'm in the parking lot, oh my God. I love these reviews. Reviews from the parking lot should be like our bonus series, like our spin-off. I think I have another one like that, where they're like, or at least read another one where they're like before they got home, they had to post. They had to put their thoughts out there. Do you know what I still think about? Regularly on the reg as I would say

is that review that I think I read it of that person who Whose son was in the hotel room and they went down to the car to get some work done, but a wrap So somebody so I still think about that because after we posted that episode, somebody commented, why didn't they just drive away? And ever since that, I've been like haunted by the fact that this person spent hours overnight in their car. In their car.

For fear of this rat when they were in a vehicle that could be just repositioned to another location and I and again We never found out if the Sun was how was a minor and adult we don't know So unsettling to me and anyway, that's what it reminds me of like reviews from the parking lot Like it just sounds like nothing good is gonna happen. Nothing good happens in a parking lot No, we've always said that I was at a Costco parking lot today. I almost died like three times. Yeah, well, that's just par for the course at a Costco for sure. Yeah.

I'm in the parking lot right now for day two of my ticket, which unfortunately, I already paid for. I just read the ski report for today and they make it sound like it's about the best conditions you could ever possibly imagine. I doubt it. It didn't snow overnight and it was windy. It can't possibly be much different than yesterday I haven't skied here in decades and decided to give it a try now that I see that their reports can't be trusted I will not return too bad. It is a nicely shaped mountain and the staff is friendly. Oh the restaurant prices are

Extortionate end of review extortionate. What a good word. That is a good word. Oh, you know, this person's just Muttering under their breath all day and getting a person of class. They gave it two stars They go to the skiing they go skiing they're from Connecticut and their picture is of a lighthouse So so it's hard to argue with it's hard to argue with them. Yeah It's hard to argue but I'll try I'm, it's hard to argue, but I'll try. I'm not gonna because I don't know. Sounds like they just didn't get enough snow and do you really think that the snow report was written by the marketing team or is that just like an exaggeration? I think it was a joke.

That's really funny. Like if that is a thing that they could maybe put in the brochure, like it looks really good this Saturday for a memorial day not Memorial Day. Whatever the fuck Holiday has snow completely Yeah, yeah, just like make something up and be like, well, I don't know. We don't control the weather. It's like well Yeah, that's the thing is it's such a good excuse. You can just use that all always it's like too bad Now you can eat our $18 tier masseur in in the restaurant So true you can exhort you that way My next place is of a restaurant called night. You have an opinion take it to the parking lot Oh, yeah, oh you're right. Take it to the fucking parking lot

That's what I was doing this way. I almost got killed so many times. I was ranting The part the drivers here are crazy I wish they would. I'm writing this in the file of Costco. The drivers here are crazy. I wish they would put up some safety measures. Truly though, they should. Here is a review of a place called Ninth Snow and Snacks. This is like a restaurant in Sacramento, California that hasn't been opened in, it would appear over a decade. With a name like that.

Here's a review. I just really don't understand the name. Okay, here we go. Two star review. I'm just reading the first paragraph of this long review. The name is very deceptive since there's no snow or snacks. They seem confused when people come in asking if they sell snow. And I watched many people come in or look in and then turn Around and walk away when they quickly discovered it wasn't what they thought it was This is actually a hot pot restaurant. So not sure why they didn't choose a more fitting business name end of review

Oh my god, um, I kind of doubt people were going up there and being like, where's the snow? For sure and I love, like people didn't, it wasn't, it wasn't what they expected. What did they expect? Like one of those ice restaurants? What do you mean? Like it's different than they expected. What would you expect?

What is it called? Ninth snow and snacks. Snow and snacks, I think is like the name of it or no, it's ninth. There's a nine on it on the menu. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it's one of the menu items and they accidentally made it the sign. You know what I mean? Like when they're numbered. Yeah. And maybe it means snow peas or snow crabs. Their business time sign. It's just like a printed out piece of paper, like landscape at the top, ninth snow and snacks, snow and snacks are both lowercase and then it's like

enter, enter, enter business time, colon enter, enter Monday through Sunday, enter, enter 11 30 to 10 PM. And that's it. Like this is like this piece of paper. I love it. DIY ninth snow and snacks. Yeah, that looks nice. Listen, it's definitely memorable. It's a hot pot place. Yummy. I mean, and also like hot and snow. I don't know.

Is that anything? Snow crabs. I have no idea. It could be a name. Snow peas. I'm not gonna pretend to understand. It's closed anyway. After this is when I kind of got a little more off the

rails because I discovered something called, how did it start? The Nyack Snow Park. This is in Emigrant Gap, California. Does that sound familiar to you? I believe it's near Donner. The Donner Pass. The Donner Summit is like, the Donner pass is there. Cause my brain went Donner party. And then I, but sometimes that just happens when it's not relevant to the conversation.

So I had to pause and see if that actually, cause sometimes my brain just shouts things that are upsetting. Cause a little farther away, you can get to the Donner summit snow park. So this is the Nyack snow park and it's a place in California you can drive to to play in the snow.

Oh, it's just so funny to me because I'm like, like it's literally, there's so many of these places people will drive to where there is no snow to go here. Yeah. That's a kids play in the snow town, baby. You know, um, I also, they also make, uh, you know, like M and I went to a harvest fair. We had to drive like hours and they do have obviously a lot of farming in California, but they kind of like made it feel more autumnal when it was still like 90 degrees out, you know, they're like, they clearly played into it so that people, families could experience

like autumn, you know? It's weird, right? Yeah. I think that that's really something they lean into, yeah. Yeah, no, for sure. So I'm gonna read that review last because it's a positive one to end on. But I want to read a review of the Donner Summit snowpark. Oh no. It's just one star, don't worry,

nothing about all that, don't worry. This is in Ford Forest, wait, Tahoe National Forest, Soda Springs, California. Wow. Um, here is a review of the bin to the Donner pass. Have you, I mean, no, um, this is of the Donner summit. I hear it's beautiful. Sorry. I don't know. Yeah. Well, people are like, no, it is. It looks beautiful. And then like everyone's like, there are all these comments, questions are like, is there snow? Is there still snow now? Is there snow now? Oh my God. Why do I get snowed in? Jesus. Here's a one star review.

Just moved to Iowa where I'm from and you can get all the snow and sledding hills you want for free and not one bit of traffic. LOL. And that guy's got it figured out. And it's so true. Like there's so many complaints about this, about that. And I'm like, y'all like don't live in California. If you really want to like go experience snow somewhere. I mean California has plenty of snow. If I want palm trees, I'm not going to like be like build me palm trees now.

I want to see and experience them. I mean I will be, but nobody's going to do it. There are so many people who are like literally complaining about like this, the status of the place of like it being too muddy or too this. And they always, I want my snow to be cleaner. It got so boring because all of the owner responses were like, mother nature, we can't control her. Like trying to be all fun about it without being like, Hey idiot, like we are literally just moron. Like people were complaining that they paid money to park their car and then looked around

and were like, where's all the snow? It's like, you knew there was, it's not like they're hiding the weather from you before you pay. It drives me crazy. Anyway, I got annoyed. Are we sure? Okay, I just want to make sure. I just want to double check.

Like a 10 mile long tunnel you have to go through and at the end they're like, who knows what's on the other side? It's all gift shops also in there because they want you to. I mean, it sounds like my dream, but whatever. So I'm going off the beaten slope and I am doing something different. You're going off the trail of the double black diamond and straight into the trees. Because I thought it would be fun to take a look at perfect north slopes in Warnsburg I think. Indiana which is like the place that you would go to, I guess, or growing up, that was a place people would go to to ski or like tubing or Idaho.

That or yeah, I think was Iowa. But here is a one star review that someone left has nothing to do with the challenge. I just this was literally the first review I saw and I had to bring it. This is a one star review. And this is kind of how I think of Perfect North Slopes. I haven't been there since middle school. I've never been. So who knows, but this is from August of 2024. Here we go.

Walked into the bottom bathroom by locker rooms and there was a firearm on the sink and a syringe in the urinal. This was my second visit. My third visit witnessed six fights, two of which came right at me. Very weird activity at this place, let alone one of the employees blowing a giant cloud of smoke in my face after I asked how his day was, and another employee trying to fight me because I wanted to see the manager because my kid was injured. End of review. By a needle and a firearm in the bathroom. What the fuck?

Are you sure this is not the Donner Pass? I love that there's a syringe in the urinal. Like what a bizarre thing. Maybe that's true, but it just seems like such a like- It seems like a stretch. Why is it there? I would also, but I don't know, but also- Who's going to Perfect North and like

throwing their syringes in the urn? I imagine it's very fucking expensive. And like, why would you, I mean, I don't know. Maybe the people who work there, you know what I mean? Maybe there's some issues. I don't know, but if there was really a firearm on the sink, I would be very concerned. Very, like, like deep, like more so than the needle.

I don't like, you know, that's upsetting, of course, and dangerous, whatever, but yeah the firearm just sitting around What else they got laying around? I think this place is a lot more legit than this Review what makes it okay? Maybe they wandered into like some sort of weird back room, you know, like some like yeah I don't know. Maybe they wandered into like a laser tag place and that was just a laser tag It feels like something's off. but again, I told you, I've never been there, so I don't know. Yeah, I definitely read that and thought something's off,

but I don't know what. Anyway, I'm going back to Nyack Snow Park. I brought it up for a reason. And it's because I have a five, four star review. It just was a nice way to end it. I thought, here we go. I was super confused when I got there. The word park alluded to something way different than what it is.

It's essentially just a snow hill on a parking lot that it shared with a Burger King and gas station. I was totally confused. However, super convenient and did the job. So if the Donner Party was really here, there was a Burger King the whole time? What the fuck? What were they complaining about? What is their deal?

Like if anything, that just makes it all kind of more fucked up, yeah. Yeah, it does make it more fucked up, and like, why would they make a whole museum about it anyway? Yeah, I don't get it. We went yesterday and nobody was there. I thought we'd be charged for parking per other reviews, but no, it was all free.

In all actuality, I'm not even sure how you go around charging for parking, but I get it. I thought the snow was fine, but everyone said there was really no snow. I guess not like how it usually is around peak season, but like I said, we enjoyed it and had a lot of fun. What a hidden gem this place is. We even found a broken sled someone left behind that my son utilized and had a great time with. Definitely want to come back when the snow... what? Injured, sorry, I just... the person who got injured and then like left the... oh that

was at Perfect North though, never mind. I was like, oh that thing is a death trap. Don't get on that broken sled. I'm jumping around, but yeah, that's what killed... injured that child. We even found a broken sled someone left behind that my son utilized and had a great time with. Definitely want to come back when the snow is fresh. What a blast. End of review. I just liked it because they literally said, everyone's complaining about the

lack of snow and it's like just hard packed, dirty looking snow, but it's snow and it's there and the kid is having a great time. That's the full experience. You know, you want the real deal? Yeah, it's usually dirty and cold and uncomfortable. I do get it some of these places people were like I paid $25 to park here and It's just a little hill and snow like it's just like an area outside that happens to be like slightly elevated to slightly less

to be like slightly elevated to slightly less elevated. I mean, I get it though, cause it's like, oh, well, if your kid wants to go sledding and you really can't go anywhere else, I mean. I guess that will surprise me if there are no other places. Why is that? Wait, where is that? Such a thing in California. Oh, so but it is a place that snows. It's not like way up, like a perfect North situation where they like

create the environment like it's no, it's up in the snow. I think but I think it's similar in the sense that people will the people who don't get snow will travel here. Right. OK, OK, gotcha. But like in Cincinnati, we also get snow. So we're not going to perfect North to get snow. Right. But people will drive to these snow parks. So for that, though, I feel feel like 25 bucks isn't that bad. And that's why I'm like, you get what you paid for.

Like you're doing this as like a family thing. Go to In-N-Out on the way home and count your blessings because we don't get that over here, you know? Amen. Look at the bottom of your cup. Read the scripture. What does it say? Oh no. Some scripture. You didn't know that? Like everything on, like all their packaging.

I mean little scripture cool a lot less in your face. They're a lot better. They at least their religion doesn't really I'm gonna leave my religious. So I'm gonna leave my religious wants to bare naked ladies like it should be Yeah Did we talk about you stabbing our grandparents? I remember to say I was born upon this day. And the angels tears fell down. Like a reindeer. With a red nose. With a red nose. Like a baby still, oh no, okay.

That one's around, it's not gonna work. That one gets dark. Like a baby still, oh no, okay. That one's around, it's not gonna work. That one gets dark. Like a. A beast. Like a roast beast. Oh, that's good. With his horn. That's good. Merry Christmas.

Like the Grinch. In his cave. Okay, I had a great time, this was fun. Like the Grinch on Mount Crumpet, I will play the angel's trumpet, and I'll try in my way to be merry. to be merry. Beautiful. Thank you.

I hope dad never listens to this. I don't remember when we thought Leonard Cohen was dead. He's dead. She's here. You scared the shit out of me. I was like, he died like five years, like more than five years ago. I remember where I was the moment I found out. I remember I got to tell dad. Sorry, that sounds like I bragged.

We raced to the phone to tell him. And he said to you, you lose. I already knew. That's when he disowned me. I didn't tell him Leonard Cohen died first. I didn't tell him Leonard Cohen died first. That's why I'm like, that's why I have all those Bob Dylan news blasts ready for whenever that happens. Bob Dylan's going to die like the day this comes out. We're going to be like-

I did that with Jimmy Buffett by accident. I was like bitching about Jimmy Buffett and then the day the episode came- no, no, it was while we recorded. And then like my phone was on Do Not Disturb and I like, we had a break and I lift my phone up and it said like breaking news. And I went, what have I done? So we got to be so careful, Oxxynner. I will feel weird if this, if he dies between now and the release of this, because then

it's as if some people might be like, oh, they recorded this after. The day is December 2nd, 2024. No, that doesn't work. Cause you could have saved it from like a week ago. We could also just be saying. From like, it's November 20, 2022. You could also just say, Hey, today is November 15th and it's like not, so I don't know. I feel like that also, Alexander doesn't prove anything.

But as far as we know, right, this fucking moment, Bob Dylan is alive and well and living in, I don't know where he lives. I don't know actually. And I want you to be very, I want to be very clear that I don't know where he lives in case something happens to him. I want everyone to know I have no idea where the man even, I don't even know where he likes to grocery shop.

Oh, you don't even know that? I could guess, but I... He says it in Little Drummer Boy. He like talks about, there's a whole like 10 minute interlude of him going through his day by day process. To Erwan? Yeah. He's like, I go to nowhere backwards. And then, you know.

That's what Erwan is, right? Yeah, but I think it's misspelled. My friend Nicole goes, that's not nowhere spelled backwards. And I went, oh yeah, you're right. Isn't it? I don't know, maybe it is. I think it is.

It's like, it's unfortunate because nobody can figure it out. So. Christina, I think that would be really weird if it wasn't correct. Okay, but I thought like they changed two letters around for like the spelling. Yeah, they did.

Really? Because it's N-O, so it's spelled E-R-E-W-H-O-N. And so then backwards it'd be N-O-H. You're right. W-E-R-E. I feel stupid. You should. I tried to tell you. It's derived from a novel.

I literally just clicked Wikipedia and went, oh no, this took me to a book. Okay. I gotta go. I don't actually. Where? Why? Where are you going? Why are you leaving?

It's for the best. It's for the best that we leave. All right. The day is December 2nd, and I really wish blessings upon Robert Dillon and all the others we discussed today. Let's hope they survive. Okay. Blessings upon you folks as well. Enjoy your Christmas albums.

Enjoy Christmas by Michael Buble. Bye. Oh yeah, we'll catch you on the flip side. See ya. Beach to Sandy Water to Wet is a Forever Dog production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White.

Executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Silio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.