Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 322: Reviews Written from the Parking Lot

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

A big yellow star took my business away. Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy We have merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music, and it's not just sound as an instrument. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Playoff football is here with BetMGM, and as an official sportsbook partner of the NFL, BetMGM is the best place to fuel your football venom on every game day with a variety of exciting features.

BetMGM offers you plenty of seamless ways to jump straight onto the gridiron and to embrace peak sports action. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion Alexander today my whites are coming through do you see my white hair oh oh the pulley accident I didn't want you to call the police about it geez no it was an ambulance they actually yeah they actually tell them to come back it's over I see them do you see mine I do And I'm much more

prominent. I yeah I don't think it ever occurred to me you had any until like just now. Which is weird because I feel like multiple people have said oh my gosh you have gray hair. It's hard for me to see outside my own the scope of my own Yeah, your own greatness. Yeah Wow Nice times. Anyway, this has aged all of us. I think we can all agree. I'm sure this podcast has aged all of you as well Today we're recording the last episode of January which is very exciting episode 3 2 2 reviews written from the parking lot Very exciting episode 3 2 2 reviews written from the parking lot classic That feels like a cliche feels like a weird Al Yankovic like I don't know satire From the Reviews from the parking lot instead of put up a parking lot, you know, okay reviews from a parking lot

One star star A big yellow star took my business away. A big Yelp Elite took away my dignity. Okay. Oh my gosh, also as part of this, as part of this package deal, no, as part of this recording, we also had to prep for a bonus episode, the theme of which is snowmen and we have not, or snowman, I don't know. And- Yeah, I was thinking, I think you said plural, snowman. I think I said snowman and then of course I went onto a mental tangent about why is it not snow person and then

I did do a lot of really Strange notes for that. So I think like probably our brains are a little bit more scrambled than usual just from that alone But we haven't recorded that yet. So it's still just living like unreleased in my mind So we can hold on to it this episode All these snow people so that's on on Patreon if you wanna join us there. Yeah, patreon.com slash beach too sandy. Yeah, and I'm sure that like you're convinced now that it's worth handing over your hard earned money.

Bonus episode titled, the snowman. Or snowman, no one's really sure, yeah. I don't know. Anyway, Alexander, do you? Should I read a review? Yeah, let's do it. That's from the parking lot? let's do it from the parking lot let's do it I don't think I have a single email what I found them all myself damn I was just feeling like doing that I have emails for my challenge okay but here we go here's a one-star review this is a Praline's ice cream of Plainville, which is quite the name. That's a full name of it.

They should make that their tagline. It's a mouthful wink. Plainville, Connecticut. Yes, it's a mouthful wink. Here is a one-star review of Praline's ice cream of Plainville. It's a mouthful wink, one star. I'm super annoyed. I am currently in the parking lot. The clock says 8.45. The sign on the door says it closes at nine and I'm knocking on the door

and the kids inside are ignoring me. They closed early and the guy inside is getting a gumball out of the gumball machine pretending I'm not even here. If the close time says nine, don't close at 8.45. Period. End of review. I thought it was gonna say he's getting a gun. And then it's a gumball and I went, oh my God. What a relief.

Wow, this turned from like a thriller into a children's book board book. The thing is, it never was a thriller, except in your mind, for the record. Totally, only in my mind. There was nothing about guns. There's something about banging on a closed door that's really scary though.

And the kid inside getting a gun. I mean, it's like haunting in its own way. But like really, wait, what kind of store is it? Oh, Praline. It's an, I, Praline, what do you mean? What kind of store? Hang on, my face. Praline, it's a mouthful, wink.

It's a mouthful. Praline's ice cream with plain bill. I wonder, I wonder if, I mean, I don't think it's weird to close 15 minutes early. Let the kids be, they just wanna go home. They probably had extra, maybe they had extra cleaning to do. They're not making much money. Okay, leave them alone. And also I will say the owner responded and said that they are now, that was

under old management and they are now under new management. They're all fired. So apparently that doesn't happen under new management or they'd like you to believe that. So yeah, shout out to Praline's Ice Cream of Plainville. It's a mouthful. Wink for making their employees keep the door unlocked. For firing everybody and rehiring a new, more reliable cast of characters. Without the gum addiction.

Yeah, yeah. Who don't like take the inventory for themselves during store hours, okay? Guy inside is getting a gumball. It's like, as if that was like, proof it's all actually like, hey, it's the guy who gets the gumballs. I feel like that should usually accompany one of,

that should be accompanied by one of those blurry Yelp photos you see where it's like, they're trying to discreetly take a picture of a person, which like you shouldn't be doing and they know that so it's like very blurry. I feel like it would be that like from the outside of the door you just see glare and then there's like some kid in there. See I told you he's getting a gumball. He's getting a gumball. I did have a weird amount of pictures. I'd not in any of the

reviews I brought but I saw these pictures of people like taking pictures within their car but not of the business. No, but a lot of people did that because they were trying to prove they were in the car and it's so weird. It's like, why would I question you for that? Like that's a weird thing to question. It's not that like, it's not weird to like write something in your car, like parked in a lot. But I guess that's why it's such a cliche. People think it's like, cause it was the first thing they did. They got in their car like parked in a lot but i guess that's why it's such a cliche people think it's like because it was the first thing they did they got in their car literally they couldn't even wait to get home they have to like immediately say something about that kid at the gumball machine

the little gremlin i mean really like i'm just glad that they proved it to me that they were really there um okay sorry here we go my next review This was my first review and it is from Britney She Her. It's a one-star review of a Starbucks and it's by Chelsea. Wow. I'm still in the parking lot. Jameson the barista has the worst attitude of any employee at a Starbucks I've ever encountered. He literally told my mom and me to not eat here. I'd eat somewhere fancy." He proceeded to make our drinks, questioned our order like a skinny mocha? Like non-fat chocolate? It was weird. Aside from the terrible service, the place was a mess. Place needs to fire those punks.

Worst Starbucks ever, end of review. If you plop Jameson into a little crusty punk cafe somewhere, that's where Jameson would thrive. And that's where people would be happy to see Jameson. It's like hipster central. We gotta put him in the grungiest dive cafe. Jameson deserves better. Absolutely.

There's no frappuccinos in this joint where Jameson works. No, no, I totally agree with you. Skinny, nonfat mocha, what? Like nonfat chocolate, you sick fuck. What's even the point? No, I feel like if this is like what I'm learning, right? If you take offense, it's like maybe there's something in you you need to look at, you know?

So it's like, Chelsea, if you're taking such offense about this, maybe you need to like reassess why you're so mad that somebody questioned whether you want fat-free chocolate, you know? Yeah. Maybe we should do a therapy breakdown for every review. That's great. Have we not been doing that? You know, yeah, cuz like a therapy breakdown for every review Been doing that I was getting credits for this

Okay, anyway, that was my first one star but So I've got one here this is this is This is I'm always surprised at what you can say on Yelp. I don't normally use Yelp, so it was an experience. This is of a Domino's pizza in Riverhead, New York. And this is what Austin had to say. And I'm going to censor something in my own way. It's not at all censored on Yelp, which is always so amazing to me. The free speech capital of the world, Yelp, of all places. Wow, okay.

Holding out hope for America the day after... One star! They told a young N-word 20 minutes. It's been 38 minutes! I'm currently in the parking lot and my shit's still not done. I'm tight. My parking lot and my shit's still not done. I'm tight, my shit's probably cold and soggy. Y'all got me fucked up. End of review. I'm sorry, that can't be the word that was allowed on Yelp.

It ends in an A though. Ooh, boy. So, I don't know. I thought it would be, I thought this person wrote this with the hope that a white man would one day read it Allowed on a podcast. Yeah, that was my thinking Joe Rogan Ideally Joe Rogan

But he got he got me and study. Yeah. Yeah That's what they called me in college. I really wish I'd picked a different letter of the alphabet Plan never it's gonna get worse some more Beyond zebra. Oh, we're gonna get into some weird letters if you start doing that Okay Here we go. This is from Izzy. They love that. I read that review. What? You love that I read that review. What? Never mind.

Nothing, nothing, nothing. Would you like me to speak more on it? Uh huh. On censorship? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is your place, Yelp.

I didn't know Yelp could do this. Okay, don't make it my place all of a sudden. Don't bring that to the table and then say, here's your slop and throw it right back at me. That's not slop, I thought it was funny. I'm glad. Okay. That he thought it was slop. Izzy They Them sent this one, it's of a Lowe's Home Improvement.

This is a one star review by whatever. M, whatever M. Okay, last initial M? M. Okay. Last initial M? Correct. Writing from the parking lot of a Home Depot. Guess rating this place one star. Now this is where I got mixed up. It is a review of a Lowe's, but it's confusing because they're in the parking lot of a Home Depot. I just want to clarify this. Okay, okay. Okay, so by the end of the... No, actually they have like special... What are those things called like safety? You know those like internet blockers for

kids? But it's for Yelpers who went to Yelow's? Yeah, the competing business. They have like a big net. Oh, what's a net? No, it's like a butterfly net. It's made of like graphics, like 0101, 0101. Graphics? Virtual reality. Oh, it's a VR thing. Yeah, obviously. Is that why Blaze was walking around

with that meta quest on his head? He was pretending to be at home depot or just the parking lot. I don't know. It was weird. What if it was just that you could go to different parking lots, but if the business didn't like let you, you couldn't go in, you just had to be in the parking lot. You know how like on Google, Google Street View it'll like blur certain

things it's like that where it's like I'm just walking along but then like Lowe's is off-limits sponsored by Home Depot. You have to pay extra? Oh I see I see you bought the home to the you wouldn't he blazed it by his meta quest at Home Depot. That's true. Well, it's not a meta quest. It's actually called. Oh, what is it called? It's called a staple gun. That sounds dangerous. It's called a staple gun.

That's all it is. How is it? Why is it? That would have worked better if it was from staples, but as it stands, I really don't have a good play on words. Oh, this is a Home Depot gun. He got a gumball from, wait, hang on. Oh no.

No, we did buy it from a gumball machine though, and that's why it was so cheap and sponsored by Home Depot. And so small. And why it looks kind of like a staple gun and why you can't go to Lowe's when you're using it. That answers everything. I was about to say it's my turn. I don't think you even read a review. I read the first sentence. And then I had to explain it all.

This is a one-star view of Lowe's and it starts right from the parking lot of a Home Depot. And it's just important because it did take me several minutes to figure it out as it just took me several minutes to explain it to you. Anyone who loves banter, they're loving this episode. Is that what this is though? I don't know. I don't know if that counts.

They're like, wait, no, we didn't sign up for this. We signed up for banter. Sometimes I'll pause to be like, I wonder which people are hating this episode right now. A lot, I think. So I called out the ones who love it. I people are hating this episode right now. A lot. I think I feel like- So I called out the ones who love it. I feel the ones in my hair. It's okay. Um, your turn to continue. I'm gonna shut up.

Writing from the parking lot of a Home Depot, guests rating this place one star isn't too far off from their average, but I have to do my part. The bar is already pretty low for these stores because they don't hire people that can advise you much beyond righty tightyighty lefty-loosey. But the customer service desk at this store makes the movie Idiocracy look like a bygone era of genius. I've been attempting a Christmas gift exchange here for the past couple weeks. The first guy asked me where the batteries were for my pneumatic nailer. Insert facepalm emoji here. for my pneumatic nailer, insert face palm emoji here.

And I just wanna clarify, it says insert face palm emoji here in as so many words, with parentheses, and I just find that like a really powerful statement to not use the emoji, but to type out what it means. To make sure that all people can see it no matter what device they're using. That's right, and I think that's really open-minded. Brave. Yeah. Oh.

The first guy asked me where the batteries for my pneumatic nailer were. Insert facepalm emoji here and turn me away because I didn't have a gift receipt. I come back after having tracked down a receipt in the second lady credits, a purchase amount back to the purchasing credit card. I told her that I wanted store credit or an exchange, not a complete refund, and she told me I should have spoken up before she entered it into the system. Guess asking the customer how they'd like to handle a

return isn't in her wheelhouse. No apologies. No attempt to engage management. No attempt to correct the problem, nothing. I then waited on a manager for 20 minutes before giving up and going to Home Depot. End of review. So now at the end, he's back, he's now at the Home Depot. Got it. So the problem was that instead of getting store credit

or a new device, they just got their full money back well the problem is it was a Christmas gift so it went back to who who never purchased it. I get it. I did not understand. And now his son-in-law gets like 63 bucks back on his card and he is out one pneumatic nailer can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? Yeah. I was embarrassed just listening to it. Humiliating. I was hoping I'd, I don't know, that whatever here would shut the fuck up because it was embarrassing to talk about. So embarrassing. The batteries for your pneumatic nailer. Imagine. Was it important that their last name started with the initial M? No, I just said whatever. And then I was like, well, it's whatever M. I didn't know whether to say it

and then I took too long to decide and just gave you all the information I had. Because in my head you came up with the word, you were like it's whatever and then you said M because in the review the person was gonna say, oh Mrs. whatever. No. Or say like someone, okay you just said it.

Completely irrelevant. Okay, number one. In every which way. Just thought I'd irrelevant. Okay, number one. Every which way. Just thought I'd check. Um, okay. Let's see. I have a review here. And this is of KQ Ranch RV Resort.

This is in Julian, California, and it's a one-star review. I'm going to leave a couple reviews this weekend, depending on how this stay goes. So far, it's horrible. Check-in time was 10 last night. Driving up here at 7 p.m. we ended up getting a flat. We called multiple times and no one would answer the phone. Already en route we decided to keep going after flat was fixed. Got to the campgrounds late at 10 20. The gate attendant started yelling at my mom about rules and quiet time in the park and wouldn't let us in at all He was extremely rude. He told us our only option was to leave or sleep in the parking lot

It was too late to drive home. So we slept in the parking lot No, now it's 719 a.m. And no one is here yet. We are still in the parking lot waiting Oh my god, this guy's gonna come to work and go no shit. They didn't literally sleep in the parking lot I wasn't serious about that. It's an RV park. I guess it makes sense. Oh, it's an RV park. I forgot that. It's an RV resort. Yeah. I forgot they had actual places to sleep.

Yeah, like they drove up in their RV, I assume. So like, I'm gonna be honest, I don't really know the difference between sleeping in a parking lot and sleeping in the RV resort like for that night I mean I guess I'm like a stretch for any sort of thing where you have to bring your car into it and sleep Inside the vehicle, but I do imagine there's probably like a water hookup or like a But I assume it's like catered towards yeah, you do this so that they're like shops or Comforts that you can access in a place like this I will say it's number seven of the seven campgrounds in Julian so Rated on TripAdvisor. Yeah, I'm gonna have stars

Well, see this is again why we should not be letting people write reviews from the parking lot You should be on the property to be able to submit a review. Otherwise this Star rating goes down. That's why this person didn't let him in said you can't come in so you can't write a review Yeah, we know we know what's gonna happen here. No, they're not wasn't working apparently because You can't come inside the net As chilly evenings set in and holiday decor lights up our homes, Home Chef is delivering new hearty recipes and comfort foods that pair perfectly with a cozy evening. I'm not the type to be able to get myself out from under a nice blanket and cook dinner, except now that Home Chef is around, I'm able to just convince myself, oh it'll only take a little while,

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Home Chef is offering listeners 18 free meals plus free dessert for life. And of course free shipping on your first box. Go to homechef.com slash beach to Sandy. That's homechef.com slash beach to Sandy for 18 free meals and free dessert for life. Homechef.com slash beach to Sandy must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. Calling all sellers. Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here innovation isn't a buzzword.

It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. Okay, this is the next one I have. It is of a quench juice cafe in Raleigh, North Carolina, and it's also from Izzy. One star. When I saw the signage for a new juice place go up in the neighborhood, I was pretty excited. Sound excited.

I say to you. I'm finding a lot of smooth rocks around here. Smooth rocks around here. I'm really excited for my new juice bar. Remember when we almost moved into the apartment and they were like promising that there would be a juice bar on the first floor and we were all excited and now I'm like, when do we ever go to a juice bar?

Like when have you and I ever been known to go to a juice bar? Wait, what? We almost got that apartment in Tytown. Yeah, it was in Tytown. No, no, no, no, no. That's where I lived. You lived in Tytown.

Oh my God, I forget where it was, but anyway. I feel like I could drive there. Yeah, I mean, I couldn't, but I feel like you could. Yeah, anyway, I remember that. And they were like, oh, we're in the process of building a juice bar We were like that's fantastic And now I'm like what the fuck would we have done with like a nine dollar menu juice bar, you know

Like what what good would that have done us? Anyway, I think about that like at least once every six months I remember then we went up on that hill and we were just standing there Huh looking down over? I don't know why. Remember when we went up on that hill and we were just standing there? Huh? Looking down over, I don't, I. What? Okay, Christina, this is starting to sound like some sort of weird dreamy.

I know, that's what my whole life starts to feel like. I'm talking about that hill with the Frank Lloyd Wright house, Barnes Doll Art Park or whatever in Los Feliz. Nevermind. Probably not. It was really dirty and also abandoned We were on a dirty abandoned hill looking out over the city We went to an apartment and we were there. I'm remembering now we parked and it was in Echo Park

Maybe and we parked and we were Walking up and we were like this looks really sketchy and then there were no people there and we just were like, this looks really sketchy. And then there were no people there. And we just were like, let's leave. Oh yeah. And I think it was the same day as the viewing of that juice bar apartment. Oh my God, I forgot about that. Yeah. Sometimes very, very inane memories are sticky in my brain

and I can't quite remember. I have therapy tomorrow, EMDR maybe. I think that's what's happening to me by accident. Maybe when I'm reading my books, my EMDR is happening, like my eyes are going like this. And I'm like having EMDR sessions. While I read the box card children to Leona. I don't think you're supposed to read that way though.

Usually you stay on one page until you're done with it. Not like go between them. But if you can't see what she's doing, which is a vast majority of you, she was just moving her eyes back and forth. And she was like, my eyes are doing this. And you're just silent. If you're curious what was going on there,

I just thought someone should maybe explain it. As a licensed clinical therapist, I was doing an EMDR session on myself. I mean, we have all the hours of experience on tape here. Thank you. Finally. Some acknowledgement. Okay, so this is of a quench juice cafe in Raleigh, North Carolina, also sent in by Izzy. And the name on this one is Food S. So I feel like people are just putting random words. And then their last initial.

So here's a one-star view. Oh, I forget I already read the first line. Oh. When I saw the signage for a new juice place go up in the neighborhood, I was pretty excited. Total disappointment. The prices are on par with the uber high-end Raleigh Raw, but the offerings and ambiance here are more akin to an airport terminal juice bar or a bright and cheery hospital

cafeteria. I've been in once and really was bummed out on my drink once I got it. There are way too many things on the menu and so many things have whey powder in them. Gross. That said, I still would have given it a second chance and was planning on it this morning before work. Full disclosure, I'm writing this from the parking lot at 8 30 a.m. and Quench is closed. The place doesn't open until 9 a.m. apparently. 9 a.m.?! Why bother opening before lunch at all? You've already missed all of your morning business. Smoothies, acai bowls, granola, juice, that's all quasi breakfast food but they're open from 9 a.m.

to 8 p.m. What?! I ended up walking into Harris Teeter and got an odd Walla instead. End of review. Nine doesn't seem egregious for a juice place. I don't know. It's not like a coffee shop. I feel like a cafe coffee shop would be like 7 a.m. I agree. Juice, it can be like-

I feel like juice for me is always a lunch or afternoon situation. Yeah, but I mean- I do see the acai bowl thing. Like I do have those for breakfast sometimes. Why do I now all of a sudden we're talking like as if we go to juice bars all the time and we just said, remember, what would we have done with a juice bar? And now it's like, oh, my juice routine.

Like, I'm so full of shit, you know, but like if we all we know, you know, when I do drink a juice, like when I visit you in New York and I'm, you know when I do drink a juice like when I visit you in New York and I'm like I'm gonna get a juice now cuz I'm here or in Los Angeles not really in my day-to-day work routine you know? Yeah when did you visit me in New York? Never. Okay yeah you're full of shit. I'm talking virtual have Ugs in her. Oh the virtual juices you have you're right I put on my little

my little headset And I have on right now, yeah, though my my staple gun headset and I come oh You're still the little one from Home Depot. That's right. Yeah, that's when you have your virtual juices Mm-hmm. That's no, but i did visit you and i did have a salad with you well i wasn't visiting you i was there for work and you happen to be there also wait but you didn't live there yet i didn't live there yet that's right you and i were both visiting there you have never visited me i've never visited to be clear to be clear no one

has except for our stepmother. Yeah and um. Actually no our mom kind of. They moved you in. They did move me in. Family. I uh little a bunch of little rats with personalities. That's what we call them. Okay what I'm saying is I went to visit New York on tour with and you were there with me and we got salads and salads is a thing that I never eat. And so for me, it's equitable to juice where I'm like, I would only eat a juice or a salad if I were somewhere like New York City where it's fancy. And you say that because you had a salad. Right.

That's what I meant. Whatever. That's where your that's what I meant. Whatever. That's where your brain goes, I guess. Okay, guess our paths, guess our brains diverged in a juice bar and I'm going one way, you're going another way. I'm sorry that I've left you behind, I'm sorry. I'm happy, I'm fine about it, so that's okay.

Yeah, you seem actually perfectly content, which is really weird. Okay, now I only have five star reviews and I actually have way too many, so I'm gonna cut them down because I'm a little crazy. Here's a review. This is of a Wendy's in Columbia, South Carolina. Here we go.

Came from out of state to visit family, decided to stop by here for lunch on our way home. We enjoyed our experience so much that we had to leave a review right away, currently writing this in the parking lot while eating our lunch. Scott helped us at the drive through and he was the kindest person to ever help us in a drive through, even most restaurants. He was so kind, personable, and professional. He saw our dog in the back seat and asked to give her a couple nuggets which he was very happy about and I'm sure they were delicious. Me and my boyfriend thought the packaging,

presentation, and tastes of our meals were better than most fast food we've had would definitely make the stop again. I agree with previous reviewers Scott deserves a raise. End of review. And when I'm telling you there were multiple reviews saying that Scott deserves a raise. That's one of the only ways that review made any sense to me because I was thinking to myself, what do you do at these restaurants that they don't help you or whatever?

But now I'm realizing, oh, it's just that this person goes above and beyond to such a point that people take note and write about it. OK, so it's a known thing here. Yeah. Wow. So remember what restaurant it was? so it's it's like a it's a thing a known thing here Yeah, wow what restaurant it was Wendy's. So Wendy's I Scott and Jameson should open something. I mean no shit. Although Jameson would get fed up so quick But that would make that's a little tiny. Yeah. That would be a nice little sitcom. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah Alexander Wow, very good. Very good stuff. It's like it's like Scott will be the host

Manager whatever and then he's a face of the opposite behind the bar, you know Yeah, and he's just the surly manager, but he's like, you know, he has the heart of gold. He does. Yeah Okay, so this is a review I have of a place called Killer Hats. Whoa. Yeah, and the logo is a skull with the top hat on. Is it like those, is it odd job? Who's the James Bond character that throws a hat that can chop your head off? You've come to the right place, Alexander. I don't have any fucking idea, so. Oh, but I, oh, so I've come to the wrong place. Deeply the wrong place, here, hold on.

You've come to the right place for the wrong answer. Here is a picture of this place, but note that this is on Trip, or is it on TripAdvisor? No, it's on one of these trust pilot is what it is. But DC has his vehicles and transportation. I do see that. But it's on one of these trust pilot is what it are. But do you see Hutz's vehicles and transportation? I Do see that but it's not it's not it's not that Is it hats per chance, but it must be hats. Oh, you don't even know I don't know because unfortunately the place is closed. Oh

Oh wait, it's hats. I found it Okay, they're on Facebook still Performance fashion for ladies, gentlemen, cowboys, bikers, and scoundrels in Lancaster, PA, Amish country, specializing in hats, boots, belts, and leather. And then the last thing they posted was in 2018, unfortunately, it's been a while.

Learn how to properly wear this timeless hat, the fedora. Uh-oh. Yeah. So things are going really- And that was their last post? Learn how to properly wear this timeless hat the fedora. Oh Yeah, so things are going really and that was our last post Talk about that's telling it's bleak is what it is. Yeah and so here's a Negative review of I don't know how it works on trust pilot But definitely a negative review of killer hats by a reviewer called the unknown cowboy. Oh so what presumably correct demographic. Oh perhaps not a scoundrel though. I was gonna say it's the scoundrel that's missing. Add a pinch of scoundrel and

we're in business. They are completely out of business. I'm sitting in the parking lot right now. The store is completely cleaned out, and the building is for sale. There was no going out of business sign or anything. They just shut down and cleaned out. No phone numbers work or anything else. What a shame. I always came here and bought directly from the store. The owner was always there, but he always seemed high strung and very shady.

That's why I always paid in cash and not credit card because something just didn't feel right with this guy. My guess is that he got in trouble somehow and possibly claimed bankruptcy. This is literally based on pulling into the parking lot and seeing that the store is closed. This has gotten way out of hand. It's like immediately off the rails like wait a minute you have nothing to back any of this up okay. It's like immediately off the rails like wait a minute you have nothing to back any of this up okay. It's just like gossiping with yourself. With yourself right with like your followers on Trustpilot like I don't know. And us. True. The owner was always there but he always seemed high-strung and very

shady that's why I always paid in cash and not credit card because something just didn't feel right with this guy. My guess is that he got in trouble somehow and possibly claimed bankruptcy. They really did have a lot of great stuff, but that owner, not mentioning any names, that owner, whom I shall not name, but owned this exact business, yeah.

Stupid. Not naming names was always a quick talker, jittery, and would never look you in the eyes. He was just really, really, was almost creepy in a way. So what happened? Where did they go? Definitely not a way to run a business. Giving absolute, I mean, they're not running a business.

Okay, I cannot put it through to this person enough. Like, you're not making any change here or doing anything of import. Nothing's happening. You're making up fake stories to nobody, to an audience of nobody. Well, to us now, but at the time. Well, no buddies.

No buddies. So what happened? Where did they go? Definitely not a way to run a business. Giving absolutely no notification of the store closing and taking people's money for gift certificates that would never be honored? What a crook!

Good luck finding this guy. Sad, very, very sad. End of review. It does have some kind of trumped up claims in here, I would say. Yeah, it got... He was so creepy that guy. And you know what it's so telling is like you're in the parking lot ready to pay for another thing, another hat and you've been there multiple times and then you're like yeah I knew this place would close. It's like obviously not. Or you wouldn't be in the parking lot

trying to figure out what's happening. This isn't a way to run a business, this one closed. There's no hats in the hat store. Wow, that feels like a preschool question. Like, is this store open or closed? Okay. Anyway, so wait, you have more though, right? I do, I do.

Okay. Let me do, let me read one more. Okay, here we go. This is a five-star review, and this is of Torchy's Tacos in Rockville, Maryland. And this is, yeah, a five-star review. And this is by Bernice. I'm writing this from the parking lot.

I have been sitting for about an hour watching Arrested Development on my iPad because I might be drunk. Ha ha! Everything was so good. I'm so glad I found a restaurant with good food. I have been here for a little over a year from New York and I am a foodie and have been trying so many different places throughout this area and DC and I've been disappointed so many times and wasted so much money on food

that looked great on Instagram and it was just blah. I was in the area and came here after not eating all day, and the place was pretty crowded for a Saturday at two o'clock, but everything moved quickly. You can order, then take it to your table, or do it for carryout, or you can sit at the bar to order and eat. I did a half order of the guacamole and chips,

and the guac was legit. I also got a side of rice and it reminded me of a rice that we make in the Caribbean. It was flavorful. I had a beef brisket taco. I don't remember the name and I also had a taco with jerk chicken. I really didn't expect much out of the chicken taco because people usually say that a meal has jerk chicken and it only means that they put extra seasoning on their chicken, but in this case, someone did their homework and purchased actual jerk seasoning, which I appreciated. I then decided to order a frozen passion fruit margarita.

Yummy, because it's been a long week. Now I drink once a year for Christmas or New Year's Eve and it's literally one drink, hence my possibly being drunk right now. But nobody knows! The bartender- But she's like, I can't figure it out. I love that though. It's like, when in doubt, like you're probably a little drunk. Like if you don't know. At least tipsy. At least buzzed.

The bartender was very friendly and stayed on top of all of her customers, whether at the bar or those ordering from the table. Really laid-back vibes here and the the employees seem to get along but not to the point where they're so busy talking that they aren't paying attention to the customers. Oh I will definitely be back but for now I think I need to watch a little more Arrested Development before I get on the road. End of review. But for now I'm still here. I'm glad this review was as long as it was because I'm like wow they're taking their time good Don't drive until you're certain Wow Really touching also when you said again, I had that moment of oh my god

And then oh few cuz you said I've been here for a little over a year, and I'm like What you're not that drunk certainly okay in the area I Watched I love that we get the arrested development insight, like that, thank you, that's the kind of thing we need to know, that's what makes good storytelling. Tell me what you're watching in the car. The very specific specifics, yeah. Yeah, especially if you're lying about something,

cause then I'm like, tell me more, just like speak on that. Just give me the details, I need to know. I just love it, I love it, that was beautiful. Thank you. Okay, this is my last one. I don't know why I did this at the end, except to make it uncomfortable. This is from Lindsey, she, her,

and it is a screenshot of a Google search result. It's for an escort service, and the website is, results it's for an escort service and the website is so so the website is called USA sex guide yeah I know oh that one dot co or dot com and Lindsay basic okay so this is this is what the link says in the preview of search listings. Escort reports, I'm currently in the parking lot waiting for Leah, I will report back with my experience. Wish me luck.

Okay. Okay. Now Lindsay wrote, I am at work, so no, I did not follow up to see how the experience with Leah went. And I thought, well then I guess it's my job. And Lindsay having said no such thing immediately inspired me to go look on, of course.

In Cognito. I'd be mad if you didn't. I know, right? And so I did it for you. That's why. And so I went and found it and it was a very strange place to be last night I

Was reading through the escort reports. I was on page 1046 It's funny how I would never have like the bandwidth to read like for law school or med school But like this I could read for hours and that was that and but those pages that was like the goal the golden age Was when those pages were the fourteen hundreds of the escort reports when you're at page fourteen hundred like that's the users were really like oh that's where it gets good that's that's where it gets good oh I see okay okay good the first thirteen hundred ninety nine I was like I don't know everyone tells me to just keep reading and it'll get better, but like I finally believe it. It hits its stride at 1,400.

It hits its stride. It slows down again around like 1,700, but only for a bit. Oh good, good. Cause I have a lot more to go. And like you were not kidding about the drama. Like somebody wrote a review about showing up to see one escort and she had an ankle monitor and everyone was like, oh yeah, yeah, I know her, but don't worry, it's no big deal.

And so everybody kinda knows a lot of these people and they're all exchanging these stories and I was like, wow, this is fascinating. So then I did find the post about waiting for Leah in the parking lot. And it says her actual username is Three Hole Leah. And so- Oh, you know I have seven. Huh?

I have seven holes. Don't say that. Why are you saying that? It's just a fact. What does that mean? I've got two ears, two ear holes, two nostrils, a mouth. So you're making me- A butth, and a urethra hole. A butt hole.

At seven! I'm just saying. Okay, this is, so anyway, Melvin was writing a review about Three Hole Leah, and he said, I will write it, I will report back with my experience. I was- I think Leah has more than three. I think eight, but whatever.

I don't know Leah. You don't know. Stop acting like you know. Okay, and then I started going through the next follow-up post and everybody started asking, Melvin, where did you go? And then someone said, do we need to send a search party?

To the parking lot? Oh no. And then somebody said, I'm kind of scared a search party? The parking lot? Oh no. And then somebody said, I'm kind of scared for this guy. I hope he's all good. Wait, sorry, who sent this in originally? Lindsay. I wondered if Lindsay had any idea, the drama. No, because Lindsay just searched for that phrase,

I'm in the park currently in the parking. Lindsay's a coward, yeah. Cause Lindsay needs to keep her job, Alexander. Oh, I'm sorry. Like what? Home Depot and Lowe's like internet issues or some bullshit? Like come on. Do you work for a competing escort review site?

Alexander, there's certain rules. I don't believe in those. Anyway point being, we didn't get an update. We never heard back and I don't know what that means or if that's bad, but a lot of people were concerned and most people were pretty active in this forum and I was like I'm not gonna take your concern lightly but I am gonna go. Was this person like did they post and never post again once or? You know that was no they had been conversing with people before that so they were active in the thread that's why it was a little more alarming when they just went AWOL.

After posting, I'm in the parking lot and nobody seemed to know this Leah well enough to vouch for her. So, you know. Maybe this person changed their mind and then was like, I'm never going to this site again. Maybe he and Leah fell in love. Why, we're so sick. I'm never going to this site again. Maybe he and Leigh have fell in love. Maybe they fell in love. Why?

We're so sick. That's sicker than anything else we could have said. That is. That's terrible. I hope they didn't. Anyway. Anyway, that's the ending of mine. Toronto.

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cozy up with the familiar flavors of pistachio or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso. Whatever you choose, your espresso will be handcrafted with care at Starbucks. Speaking of disasters, my challenge this week was reviews that casually mentioned being in a natural disaster. Took some liberties, but whatever. Here is- I think that's fair. As the world around us just burns.

But there were some very legitimate ones. So here's a review. This is sent in by Stephanie. It's a five-star review. And this is of a movie titled Watch, sorry, an app titled Watch Free Movies. It's by Andro Apps. And they have movies, apparently. It looks really sketchy. Anyway, here's a five star review. We were in a hurricane and of course we had no power so my wife and I slept in our Toyota Prius 3 Hybrid so I could sleep with air conditioning and we plugged my phone in the car and watched movies.

End of review. Oh, that's nice. Okay, I guess not. It's also a parking lot. Review from the parking lot. You are so, we don't know where they parked their car. Well, yeah. Maybe the garage. I mean, it's still a parking lot. You are so, we don't know where they parked their car. Well, yeah. Maybe the garage.

I mean, it's still a parking spot. It's a hybrid Prius. You know what, you're right. The reviews from a parked vehicle, how about that? So that was one. Then here's a five star review also sent in by Stephanie of the Happy Buy Cast Aluminum Mailbox. It's a giant, not giant, it's a mailbox.

It's a tremendously humongous mailbox. It's the biggest mailbox I've ever seen. No, this is actually like, it does seem quite large. It is 64 inches tall, so if that means anything to you. That's six feet. Wait, no it's not. Wait, what? No, that's five foot five. For a mailbox? Yeah, that's the post. Oh, with the post. Sorry, it comes with the post. I'm sorry. Dear Lord, I just bought a new mailbox, just like the box, to nail onto the wall. And I was like, that thing is like a foot and a half what do you mean six feet tall? Okay, okay five and a half feet. Five foot four. Anyway, it's not important. It's a mailbox. Here we go. It's incredibly important. Five star review.

Well it is actually important because it's titled Super Solid. Here we go. The mailbox is beautiful. We were in a tornado and our mailbox blew away, among other things. This mailbox has a very stately and traditional charm and is super sturdy. I had to have a handyman install and it looks great. And my mail lady is so happy to end up. What? Oh, OK. Good. Is she five foot four exactly? And it's just like perfect eye level.

Like, it's just a strange thing to be so happy about. It is very weird to me. I mean, but maybe they didn't have one for a bit. So they'd have to, cause I'm looking at it. It's like by the sidewalk. So maybe they had to go all the way to the door. I mean, no, no, no. Then I take it back. I would be also fucking delighted if I were this male carrier. I think it's an extra like 20 steps. And for a male carrier mail carrier though I imagine that 20 steps doesn't maybe it makes a big difference or not at all you know what I mean but I'm sure the other I'm sure it does though if you think like there was a hurricane and all these people's mailboxes got ripped out of the ground now suddenly you're like oh fuck I got a

walk up to their doors to give them mail you know like that must be a lot of extra up so it adds up also how can they call it sturdy if they haven't had another tornado to test it? I think that's really naive. Oh they did test it. Yeah they tested it. They shook it real bad. The male lady shook it real bad. No you gotta wait for the next tornado before I believe that it's solidly built. Okay I'll let you know when it happens. This next one was sent in by Teresa, who said, I kept seeing these wild ads for a game where a seemingly unhoused mother and child

find a baby in a dumpster during a blizzard and then are squatting in a dilapidated house. Yes, I've seen those as well. Those started to make me so upset that I realized like I need, like this is one of those things I met where I was like I was getting so disturbed by those videos that I was like I think I need to figure out why the fuck I'm getting so upset Like they were like making me mad. I was like why the F they have this like starving baby

No doubt but like that's the point like you know, they know that it's insane. It's insane. Like what are you doing? No doubt, but like that's the point. Like, you know, they know that it's insane. It's like shock value. Like, holy shit, man. Anyway, yeah, sorry. So those are just bat shit crazy. And then the game is like not that. You like click the game and it's like, oh, it's Tetris.

We don't know that yet. Theresa says the ad was beautiful in her mind and really great. I'm just kidding. Theresa said. She likes to watch starving children.. I'm just kidding. Theresa said. She likes to watch starving children. Yeah, good, Theresa. Theresa said the opposite.

Theresa said, I had to know who would actually enjoy playing a game with such a horrific plot. Thank you. And boy oh boy did these reviews deliver. And here's a review. So that's an actual game. So that, I have seen that ad and I'm like, no way that's the actual plot.

I think she saw the ad, Theresa, and was like, I gotta see what this is about. I mean, I'm sure that's where they get most of their clips from. And the game is called Gossip Harbor, colon, merge and story. And here is a one star review. Not at all as advertised. It even specifically says it's the puzzle game with the freezing family in some of the ads, but instead it's just some restaurant building match game.

I'm playing to see if maybe it'll progress to the destitute orphan thing from the ads, but I don't care at all about this restaurant baking bread matching thing. I wanted to solve puzzles and fix that dang window. End of review. Oh my God. Cause in the ad they're standing in the room

and there's a broken, like the window's broken and the snow's coming in. And then you have to choose whether to fix the window or to build another fire. And it's like, how could you choose? Peril, peril everywhere. It's insane. It's insane.

And that was not the only review of it being like, where's the child? Where's the fucking Blizzard family? That's out of control. I cannot believe that. I'm like, I'm the child? Where's the fucking blizzard family? That's out of control. I cannot believe that. I'm very shaken by this. And I feel that maybe all along, this is just a test.

They're like, oh, if you're going to this game to play the fucked up stuff, we're putting you on a list of some sort. Teresa's on a list for all of us. No, but the people who are like, where's the starving baby? I wanna do that. Hello, you should be on a fucking list. No, these people were like sad. They couldn't save it. They were like,

I wanted to help. I know, but that's like animated baby. It's not real. I'm talking to myself. I'm talking to myself. Oh, and there is, yeah, but they like click on this ad to help and then it's like bread. That's what I remember when I said and then it's like Tetris. That's what I mean. Like you download it and you're like, I mean. It's insane.

Like I've done that where once I'm like, wow, this is so cool. You can build this whole garden. And then it's like, no, you have to match the flowers. And I'm like, well, then why did you make it look like I could build a house in this game? Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry.

I like, I feel so many feelings about this. And also people being like, I don't care about the bakery. I wanna fix that window. I'm gonna read another review, cause I remember this one. Here's a one star reveal. No, the same thing.

I thought I was going to save people from an icy winter, but no, I'm in a kitchen tapping on bread to match it up. And by the way, I don't need any hints to do that. I have an IQ of over one and of. Oh wow. You got, you got, imagine like admitting you got fooled by like an app ad, game ad, and then talking about how high your IQ is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then saying, I wanna do the thing where they're all suffering instead of this matching game It's too easy. They want to save the people that is not healthy Okay, neither is Hold on hexasort Fuck off, Alexander. Oh, sorry. Never mind. It got healthy once you reached level 12,000 my bad. That's when it that's when it became a healthy habit Okay, what level was I on when I don't remember remember I made you guess I don't remember

Now I don't even remember what you were on. So just guess what level I'm on 280 Two hundred eighty. One thousand and eight. That's insane, Christina. It's a problem. That's fine. I have nothing. Look, I play video games all the time. I'm not judging. Here's the difference.

I don't have an IQ above one. But you don't claim to, so it's fine. But I also don't claim to. So for me, it's like I am going to skip the starving babies. I don't know how to fix a window. In fact, I've probably broken more windows than I've ever fixed. So I'm not the guy to say It's got a click the big colorful tiles and the baby. Yeah It's a little too complex for me, but I'm so glad who sent that in again just out of curiosity

Teresa Teresa, thank you and like applause to you for actually getting to the bottom of it Because I always wondered like does anyone Actually, was that a call out to or a You just call it out Whoever wrote in about the sex thing the escort thing like thanks for getting to the bottom of it Unlike some people unlike some people who have to work whose name I keep forgetting Lindsay Lindsay. Well, there's three whole Leah. It's confusing, you know. A lot of L's. And there's seven holes, Auntie. So it's very unclear who's who but um, a lot of L's, a lot of holes. Too much to keep track if you ask me.

That's right. Here is a review I have that I found of Oceana. This is in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Um, I'm calmer already. Here's a four star review. A fun restaurant with a cool view of the beach. There was a hurricane the week before, so some things weren't the best to look at. There was a nice breeze and food came out quick

and very hot. Great service from start to finish. It was cool to see a wedding ceremony off to the side of the restaurant. End of review. Okay. A little bit of everything when you said a Cool view of the beach I was like what would be cool about it and then like what do you mean a cool view like a beautiful view and

Then you said there had just been what was it a hurricane? So I like before oh shit It probably was cool like you could probably see like driftwood and like crazy shit trash everywhere a wedding amidst all the rubble okay I know I'm making a little more extreme but all the pictures though was were of their food though the french fries look delicious but I was no no there's nothing this is boring it's like a post-apocalyptic wedding you know know, like I want to see that. But this person has 141 seafood reviews. So I think they found their like niche pictures are of the food,

but yes, the beach does look lovely. It's pretty there. And I have, is it cool or is it pretty? It's actually neither because of the hurricane. It's not great. Here is my final thing. It's actually a Reddit thread from three years ago on our Tales From Your Server titled, stupidest Yelp complaint slash one star review about your workplace.

I'd be surprised if no one had emailed this in. This seems like a pretty popular post. So I feel like I bet we've either been told about it. And our main inbox or something. And I don't think I've ever read a comment, but I found like comments deep, a couple that were relevant. Okay. So here's the first one.

This is by Falcon 509 from three years ago. Yeah. Reminds me of the time I was working for a drug store during tornado season and the sirens were blaring outside with an active tornado warning. We were ushering customers who wanted to stay into the freezer, the only safe place." Not sure how that isn't illegal in tornado alley. When some dick tip races up to the front door as we're locking them. A dick tip? Sorry, I really needed that. That needed to have its moment. Okay, a dick tip races up, sorry.

So we let him in because we thought he wanted shelter. Nope, is the pharmacy open? We told him no, and he goes back outside and says he'll be back later. And for- Oh my God, he's like, I need my clonopin. There's a tornado, get me trazodone. They're like literally ushering customers into a safe spot because of the tornado and the guy comes rushing up.

I mean, it feels like a zombie movie where you're like, come on, come to safety, and they're like, no, I'm staying in my home, and it's like, you know they're gonna die now because they're not going to safety. Yeah, it feels like the wrong priorities, but also, who am I to talk? I don't know, I've made dumber priorities about getting

Medication filled and that person that might have been his like 20th tornado of his life and he's just like over it by now Maybe he's a tornado chaser and he needed some Adderall to really focus like wow This one it needs is gonna make or break my career and I need to focus you know. I think that explains it all. And I have one more comment here. That's my last thing. The freezer of imagine like working at imagine not working being like picking up a prescription at Walgreens and then somebody like ushering you into a freezer and being like this is where you're safe. I'd be like goodbye everybody. Can I at least breathe some snacks in? No wonder that guy like came in and they like, do you need a safe space? He's like, yeah, yeah. And they're like, we're all huddling in the freezer.

Actually, I think I'm going to go to Walmart or somewhere else. I feel like there's something more to this. I don't know. Here's what Bad Wolf 7426 says. Former Radio Shack employee, 10 to 11 years ago in Alabama during tornado season. Sirens going off, lights flickering, listening to the weather radio with the doors locked and the outdoor lights off. Man comes running up, we tell him through the door that we are closed because, well, duh, tornado. He starts pulling at the door mad because he just learned about how to mod a game controller and

we wouldn't just let him in to get a soldering iron, solder and flux. A soldering iron? And search through the parts drawer for the pieces that he knows what they are when he sees it. No, take your unhappy ass back home. Assholes like them are why we couldn't stay closed when it was storming and of review or because they just need their fucking Sorry or what was it earlier? Our pneumatic? Pneumatic VR device or yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, oh my gosh At the end people are crazy. Yeah

Well, thank you. Yeah, that's my last people are crazy. Yeah. Well, thank you. Yeah, that was my last comment. I really like those. Yeah, that was kind of silly. It's something about tornadoes that makes people a little, I think actually any natural disaster people kind of. Well, it's interesting, like, and it's kind of unfortunate to like, I don't know, you get, I feel like so used to certain things, especially like hurricane season, you know, like every year in Florida. Time of the year. Yeah. And I'm sure lots of people also get very complacent and to a fault. But I kind of get it.

Whereas like you have a hurricane every year, everyone is freaking out. Everyone buys all the milk and toilet paper for some reason. And you're like, okay. And then you never know. Like maybe this is the one that goes. Sometimes nothing happens, but you're right. Sometimes something yeah and then sometimes it's like oh this time it went straight to your neck though you know it's just like these things you never know how quite how to that's why for me i just i try not to fuck around with it like not that i'm in a position

like that ever but like yeah just safe better safe than sorry i don don't go to Radio Shack in a hurt in a tornado at least you know um You might oh virtually you have I can't say the same yeah Go to Radio Shack all the time because they closed and now you just need it you miss it So I built my own on minecraft and I just go and I sit inside it and I just feel my feelings Yeah, you love a good Radio Shack. Yeah. It's really where I learned to access the darker parts of myself. That's where you did your shadow work? Yeah.

Yup. On my weather radio, you know? Yeah. Radio Shack freezer. Okay. Good stuff. I miss Radio Shack. I remember going into a Radio Shack with you And I remember going in there and being like wow, look at all this high-tech equipment

You know you look at all these radios and really Christina those aren't radios. That's a pneumatic stapler. You dumb piece of shit Good times good times when I used to call you that I miss being five and calling you a dumb piece of shit. We had fun. We had fun. Anyway, thanks for listening, everybody. Happy Wednesday. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for being here. Hope you are doing okay out there. Things have been really wild in the world, obviously, so why not talk about natural disasters today? I hope everyone's doing okay. Just stay in touch with people that are supportive and make you feel safe. If you want to be part of our online community, you can join our Patreon.

I promise I'm not using natural disasters to try and convince you to join our Patreon, but I'm trying to think of where community lies. And one of our most active communities, I would say, is like our Facebook Patreon group. And places like that are really fun to hang out in. So if you are looking for some online friendships, we're all active on there, and the Discord and all that.

And yeah, other than that, you know, come check out our bonus episode on Snowman slash Snowmen, title pending. Oh yeah, we haven't recorded that yet. Yeah, that's up next. After a mild pee break, not a mild pee break, that's a weird thing. Mild, what makes it mild?

Mine's gonna be spicy. Yuck. Have a nice day. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dogg production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Zoe Applebaum.

Forever Dogg Productions is Joe Silio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.