Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 326: Reviews of Rivers

Episode Date: February 26, 2025

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we're reviewing the new horror comedy, The Monkey, directed by Osgood Perkins. Plus we've got the lowdown on Amazon's takeover of the James Bond franchise and details on Martin Scorsese's new movie. So if you love the movies, make sure you check out Movies Baby with Five Wives. You can find us on YouTube your podcast app and on patreon at

patreon.com slash movies baby with five wise Welcome to beach to sandy water to wet a Podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everybody, welcome to Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I am your co-host, Christine XTina. I'm in a state of identity crisis.

We'll figure out what my name is someday. But I'm the sister co-host. Yeah. Hi sister. You can call me Sister Christine. I am not. Oh no. Sister Christine's milk. Don't come on.

Sorry. It's the reference. It's a reference. Was not called for. My name is Zandi. I am brother. And that's about all the introduction he needs so we're doing an episode today on rivers because Been very excited. Oh, it's so good. I think maybe he I know s allegedly something's in but I feel that maybe Alexander did

I was hoping for it because it's like so funny to me. I don't know why, just river reviews and then bridge review, like certain things like that. Like when I do a live show, I look at the rivers if there's a river in the city. Like just the infrastructure, the natural landscaping of the city. Something about it. People take, I think it's because people project very much

onto inanimate objects. So when it comes to things like rivers, they kind of take out their Yeah, irritation and it's like subpar parks the hilarious. Yes series of yes reviews of national parks Because it's nature people are complaining about natural things. I mean beach to sandy Exactly. That's the point. Oh gets me every time anyway Excited for that one and then my challenge whoever that was from Angel I mean Finn and angel was to find reviews where someone got served And I'll discuss my issues later that I had yeah, I've got some

No, no, no, I wasn't thinking straight. Anyway, Rivers is going to be hilarious. And we have an amazing patron voicemail from, yeah, it's going to be great. I'm excited for you to hear this one. And yeah, I am ready for Rivers. All right, so I can read the first one if you want. This is from Lainey Sheher, who's a new patron.

We got a lot of new patron submissions, so that's fun. And she said shout out to her brother, Jay, because he lives far away, just like my brother. I'm brother this episode. OK, well I'm Sister Christine, and Sister Lainey wants to say hi. Never mind, this is starting to sound a little too handmaid still.

OK, two stars of the Hudson River, by a local guide, I should add. Important context, two years ago. You can review rivers? Seriously? God, I love the internet. Okay, here it goes. The Hudson is kind of gross, don't drink from it.

Also, a plane crashed on it once and Hamilton died after crossing it. Coincidence? I think not. End of review. Hmm. It doesn't seem like that many things to be like coincidence, but.

But what do you mean coincidence? Like you think there's like a river monster in there, or like the devil is using the Hudson? Like what's the like, Like a river nymph. Right, like what's the hypothesis? Is this like, it's just a cursed river? Is it like?

Whenever I'm walking by the Hudson, I do hear like a siren sound. Oh oh and by that I mean a siren song not quite all the sirens that exist in the city but that's called an ambulance yeah oh that's all that was because it didn't sound like a police car so that must have been it then I did see an ambulance go by I thought I thought that was a coincidence but I guess not I guess but be so careful out there, because one time somebody crossed it and died. So be careful.

Whoa. Uh-oh. My first one here is from Emily, she, her, who sent a review in of the Charles River in Boston. And this is the reason I wanted you to look at my notes. Because she sent a picture of her dog River. A couple pics, but this is, yeah. River is the name of the doggie?

That's so cute. Yeah, so that's it. Just look at the dog and then I'll read a review. It's so worth looking at the dog and the mallard. It's a fake mallard, but the toy mallard. I also want to add, I live next to the Charles River in Boston. I used to try to run around it. And this is on Try. Yeah, this is relevant to you then.

Here's a one-star review titled, I was promised a baptism. Oh. Some huckster was standing out there saying, if I take a dip in the river here, I could become closer to Christ as this water is the river of life. I dove in and I ended up getting

a urinary tract infection instead. This water is not clean. End of life. I dove in and I ended up getting a urinary tract infection instead. This water is not clean. End of review. No, I mean... Closer to Christ, urinary tract infection. I don't know, they sound pretty similar. You're getting one step closer. Yeah, when your fever hits, that's when you know you're gonna be joining him soon. I don't know what the complaint is here, but yeah. I just like, you know that saying, like like if your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

It's like if a random stranger told you to get in the river would you like this is the only person in the world That would do it. Um Actually, no, I did see there is a place called What's this river called again, sorry Charles River Church or something that actually does baptisms in the river. Oh god So, okay. Sorry does ur does baptisms in the river. Oh god. So okay. Sorry does urinary tract infections in the river? So there is a hospital there's a lot of hospitals nearby so maybe they're just doing sort of like a partnership. Yeah I think so. It's like a branding thing you know so now you go to the

doctor get your antibiotics. I think that's usually how it works. So this is from Caitlin, another new patron, and this is a review of the Columbia River. And this is a four-star review. River activities next to the park. A nice river. We saw boaters and water skiers and also bleachers and pontoons, which led us to believe that sometimes river activities

occur. End of review. Well, that's good to know. Okay. Ooh la la. I think Sherlock is on the case. At least they didn't go right into some sort of conspiracy. They are taking their time and thinking, maybe these things occur while everyone else is

like, Satan exists. I just don't understand necessarily, it's like seeing is believing. They're literally looking at water skiers and boaters. So it leads you to believe, I mean, you're watching river activities. That's a river activity, a boating on a river, I would think, getting baptized.

I don't know. I would think. I don't know what this person is thinking. I rarely do know what they're thinking. So I'm not sure I'm getting to the bottom of this. I zoomed in and saw the bleachers. Maybe they mean like, you know, they're a little set of bleachers.

So maybe they mean like, like, sporting events. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is what I'm guessing, which is so I'm, I'm just thrilled about it. So I hope they sat there waiting for something to start on the bleachers. You can watch all the baptist. Maybe that's the church.

Oh, they get the bleachers out. You know, talk about a river activity. Now that sounds boring. Honestly. Well, it's boring. I mean, unless you're the guy who stands out there and goes, baptism's, get your baptisms here, like that other guy. Yeah, yeah, true.

Yeah. Yeah. Here I have a review from Io, who sent a review in of Echo Canyon River Expeditions. A little different, I know. And Io knew as well. But you know what? I like this review. And there's an owner response.

Okay. They kicked my husband off the tour an hour before our tour started because they caught him smoking, did not refund or even offer to push the reserved time to a different day. Said I was allowed to go on the tour without my husband. Yeah, he's working on it, come on. He's in a three month program, don't worry about it. Said I was allowed to go on the tour without my husband, which I wasn't going to do, obviously.

So they basically stole $275 from us, not to mention we drove an hour and a half to come here. Management is so rude, I would never recommend this place to anyone. Now, here is the response from owner. Can I make one quick note that I love the word caught they use the word caught he was caught smoking it wasn't even like oh they saw him smoking yeah like this person is is acknowledging that they weren't supposed to be doing it yeah

there well okay here's the rest of it you're right no no no no I think you're right that they were because here we go. Here's the owner response. Okay. Yes, we did refuse to allow your husband to raft since he was clearly under the influence. Just to clarify, catching your husband smoking would imply he was being inconspicuous about his drug use

soon before your raft trip departed. Your husband was getting high in the middle of our parking lot out in the open in front of numerous families with young children and in front of numerous echo staff. I think most people who are sober would agree this was not the best decision. Despite your bad decision,

we did offer to carry your trip over to the next day at no additional cost, but you both stormed out of the office. Your review is inaccurate and misleading to say the least." End of response. To say the least, indeed. To say the least. To say the least.

How fucking funny. Smoking, and I thought to myself, well, there's no way that it's weed. Like, obviously, they would have been like indoors and he was smoking and he got caught. This is, what? Yeah, to be fair, this was Colorado, so I feel of all states, maybe, I don't know.

I mean, go to it in the car, at least. I I east I just didn't think us is the word of the day and I feel like like the the caught smoking really Triggered something in my mind and I knew it would come back to haunt me and it did when they said oh well that implies he was being discreet when in fact he was just blazing up and offering it to the toddlers and just being like party boy. Also I don't know how this thing works but rafting when I've done it has been a a very uh involved thing for everyone involved and it's dangerous and I don't think it is remotely safe to do this for yourself or the people around you so imagine putting it like being like oh my six-year-old's gonna go on that boat with that group and it's like this fucking stoned-ass guy

Trying to hide that he's smoking. I mean, yeah, thankfully Thankfully, he wasn't inconspicuous. I'm glad honestly that they got they got to him before he got on that Me too Wow, wow. Wow. Okay They were like you want to do it tomorrow? And they were like, well, we can't get stoned on a boat that I'm not interested. Sorry. I mean, I get it. Like I'm the same way. Right. But of course you would never get on a raft unless you were super stoned. Yeah. I think I would actually prefer to just sit on the grass and watch the raft. because I don't think I should be getting into it. You mean the bleachers? I don't want to be sober and or intoxicated on a boat really most of the time. Okay here's our view from Donica and it is of the Tennessee River. I like that we're getting so much variety here.

All over the place. Yeah. This is a one-star review by Arnold. I used to love this place, but sometimes nowadays it makes me want to cry because I just can't seem to catch any fish. How about y'all? End of review.

Oh. Hey, anybody? Anybody? They should ask for help or asking for- There's not a single reaction to this. Five years ago it was posted. Devastating? devastating yeah I think they meant to go to the forums perhaps or you yeah one star it says it's it's pretty

sad to a tear in your eye you know those are you totally that's definitely how I reacted tears uh-huh I'm telling him saying that's this guy every time he looks at the river. Oh, I see big fish No, yeah, not that movie Okay start Here's a review sent in by Fiona they them who also I'm gonna. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, take Leona to see that in theaters and see what happens. Followed up by million dollar maybe.

Yes. Fiona sent this in and Fiona says, "'First time submitting reviews "'and hope they are up to snuff.' "'They weren't, but I'm using them anyway.' "'I'm just kidding.' "'As an example, we're using you as an example.' "'Thank you both for making this podcast I'm just kidding. As an example. We're using you as an example.

Thank you both for making this podcast and being lovely. Bye for now spelled B-I for now. Sorry, that was so exciting. I don't know why I thought that was so fucking funny. It's every time somebody comes up with a new pun. The bye pun. It's like I get excited. It's so exciting.

I don't blame you. Anyway, I don't even know what this is of. I believe this is of the Colorado River. Here's a one-star review. I expected a lot more than just water. This place is just sheer sadness. I don't recommend this river. Also, I scraped my toe on a rock in the river.

Can't believe it would do this to me. Please do not visit this river if you are not planning on drawing blood. End of review My favorite so far as much as we were gonna turn this into an example And they're a local guide Wow, they got seven that seven thumbs up. So people are reacting to this one a lot of people You know, I know toes I heard they did a meal train for them after they heard about the big incident with the toe scraping I heard they did a meal train for them after they heard about the big incident

with the toe scraping. Oh good, someone's gotta do it. Lasagna started just showing up. I don't know what a meal train is, but lasagna started showing up at their house and they were like a local guide suffering at the hands of this beastly river. They sent all the lasagna in a basket down to Colorado.

And. To find your way. It's just a, what is it? A sadness, something of sadness? It's just sheer sadness. Wow. This place is just sheer sadness. That kind of was like how Arnold felt

because he couldn't catch a fish anymore. How about y'all? Maybe I need to put them in touch. Yeah, it should have said, I scraped my toe on a rock in the river. How about y'all? Wow. I don't think she's interested in asking like, but it seems like, you know,

how like some people have a little bit better or like learn that, that kind of social cue of like, how about you to ask the question back? I feel like Arnold's like really good at that. Like I don't catch fish anymore. It makes me sad. How about y'all? And then this person's like, I'm not interested. I'm a local guide. people are interested in my story Not the other way around. Yeah, yeah, so it's true. I see I see by the seven likes at the very least I mean somebody's interested. I'm not Well, you just read it out loud. So yeah, I beg to differ

I'm interested in what you how interested you're in it into it you know what I mean? I really love the idea that this river is just made of sadness and I don't want to be there and be part of it but I just you're glad other people can feel really sad good and get hurt okay and draw blood okay it's important you're saying it all your words I forgot it drew blood and that's where I draw the line you draw the what? the line oh p few sorry what do you think I said blood

I've been the rock in the river the whole time I've been a rock in a river of sadness this whole time so fuck you whoa yeah I do trip local guides when they come through so sue me anyway I would here a river so nice try. You would. Anyway, I would. Here is a five star view also from Caitlin and it's of the Green River. And Caitlin wrote, yes, that Green River. Does that mean anything to you? Great.

Is it one in Boston that they make a green? I don't think so. But I assume it's a famous river that we should know about based on that. Just me. You know about it? Green River Killer. Oh. I thought I was about to look it up.

I thought you were quizzing me. My mistake. No, no, my mistake. Sorry, I know you assume I don't know anything, but every now and then. Definitely true, yeah. From that rock I live under in the river, I occasionally get some intel,

and I do know about the Green River Killer because I have discussed it at length in my life. And then Blaze came home with a bottle of Green River Bourbon one day, and I went, oh my God! And he's like, what? And I was like, the serial killer! And he was like, what did I buy?

What did I do? And I was like, oh no, it's just the name. Just Green River Killer. You thought it was one of those? I thought it was like some sort of I buy? What did I do? And I was like, oh no, it's just the name. Just Green River Killer. You thought it was one of those? I thought it was some sort of fun crossover. Wow, that sounds like a really fun crossover. Okay, I know. I didn't mean it like that.

I meant more like, wow, they're really taking the name back. I don't know what I meant. Here's a five star review, okay? By a local guy named David. And by the way I was gonna say it's all in capital letters, but like the last two sentences just go completely lowercase. So I don't know What happened? But here we go. It's all caps. The green river killer was like calm down calm down

Date maybe could it be? Okay. I I don't know. You know the story. Could it be? No, okay I don't know. You know the story. Could it be? No. I lived on the green for ten years and it was the best ten years of my life. I am so sad I don't live here anymore. I missed the steelhead in the summer morning at 7 a.m. Headworks bridge across from Joe C right on the water. Alan and Bella Whitehouse lived here when the worst blizzard in the history of the town hit and we had four feet over 24 hours. Couldn't open my lifted Toyota door, had to dig out the door and then had to get yanked out seven times by a 2017 F-350 monster diesel. Told the guy, look I welded the bumpers

on and then grade 8 bolted them. Big 5-eighth inch zinc coated. You're not taking it off it is designed for it he said all Right, whatever you're not taking my tow hitch off. It can take 30,000 pounds. I said okay gun it He proceeded to pull all 50 feet of braided military Helicopter strap out and he probably reached 25 miles per hour at the end of it My neighbor had his camcorder out no kidding Joe dirty dog He yelled oh my god right before it whipped taut! I clenched my hands on the wheel and shoved my back into seat hard.

My head and neck were flexed rigid, but my head instantly hit the headrest. My truck front end lifted violently quick into the air, and I soared over the 5.5 feet snow slash iceberg. My frame of the truck creaked, and so did the whole dash as if every Japanese Toyota sr5 pickup fastener in that truck made in 1990 had been tested and I'm sure they had to run for its money because I Almost puked when I stopped 20 feet down the road the guys f-350 was almost completely sideways in the road about 50 feet for me His passenger winter airbag went off. I swear that truck got a little longer. My god, IDK what we were thinking But by golly we were boys that morning playing with our hot wheels Sorry about the off-topic review just things I miss and one of my best memories in life. Thank you and bless you all

Hope you enjoyed the show winking emoji That was incredible that was incredible I I don't think there was a single moment when I wasn't interested in what was going on. Totally along for the ride, right? Edge of your seat. There was a toe hitch hooked to me pulling me right through. Yeah, 30,000 military grade pulling you through the story. That was the amount of detail, the... Is that not how every, like, grandpa tells a story? Like, every, story like every like stereotypical like and then this happened And then dirty Joe that guy was full of it's like

Dirty Joe with a camcorder sounds like a We called him dirty Joe. There's not really any reason but he did have a camcorder and he was always filming the neighbors My god the fact that he like broke someone's truck and was just so delighted. And like listing the neighbors and stuff right? Oh my god. Um. Listing hopefully. Oh my god yes that's right. Alan and Bella. Oh in the White House. Yeah yeah yeah. I felt like I had so much to say but it just kept going and I was like wow. I know sorry and it was all capital letters until that. Sorry for the off topic story. It's like, wow, he just snapped back into the moment.

You know, it was really. I kind of wish he hadn't, you know? At least for a bit longer. I could have used a little more detail, more neighbors. I felt like, you're right, I wanted to do kind of a more of a question and answer type, so I could say, like, tell me more about Bella and Alan. Like, were they ever ever did they witness this?

extravaganza Were they witness the show? Yeah. Yeah, like what was their whole deal? It just it just really delighted me so to oh what a great one. Oh my gosh, that might be one of my favorites now It's a good one My next one was also from Fiona and of the Colorado River. And this is a three star review. I love the Colorado. So beautiful. This was near Lee's Ferry where Satan has control of the National Recreation Center. I would have stayed a while but I don't like Satan. End of

review. I'm just like not a huge fan. but I don't like Satan. End of review. Oh! I'm just not a huge fan. Like, I don't dislike him. It's just like, take it or leave it. Yeah, this is from a local guide, so they know what they're talking about. They know he's a grudge.

They're guiding people away from Satan. Well, when was this written? Four years ago. So, and we've had a change in leadership. I mean, the president of the Kennedy Center's gone, and now Trump's over there, so who knows? Maybe Trump took over, and you don't have to worry about Satan anymore. Oh leadership. I mean, the president of the Kennedy Center is gone and now Trump's over there. So like, who knows, maybe Trump took over and you don't have to worry about Satan anymore. Oh, wait, anything, he probably shut the national recreation center down. Oh, yeah, we don't have time for that. It's just about golf now. Yeah, that's the only

recreation that this country needs. Golf and playing with your hot wheels. Oh, wait, yeah, now I'm in. Oh gosh, that's disturbing. Okay, so this is from Jess Sheher, and it is technically not about the river, but it's about the Tubby Tubes River Company in Lake Luzerne, New York. So it's about a river tubing company. I already had one of those. I know, so I put it at the end

hoping that you would do the sin first, so that when I did the sin, it was less egregious. It was actually Ayo who did it. So it was Ayo who did it. And that's why I said, well, Ayo told me to do it. Yeah. So this is a two star review. Was that when you went to the National Recreation Center?

When Ayo was standing there telling you what to do? Yeah, we were wearing hooded cloaks and I was like, what's going on? Cool. And Ayo said, sit on on this pentagram and I said, okay. Right under the bleachers. Yeah, we went golfing after that. Here's a two-star review. It's called Safety Concerns, Not a Class Act. Good points. Price reasonable. Nice tubes. Beautiful river. Bad points. Bus is old. Leaky roof, blocked emergency exit with tubes, broken headlight, big belly bus driver with no shirt and just drives bus, no help. Fast drive on back roads, had to back up since met a bus coming the other way. Safety issues allowed

us to get into river with sudden onset of dark cloud and thunder in distance. I like the idea. Like they allowed us in. I feel like they were like, hurry, hurry, the thunder's coming. Like all of these sounds so sinister. Like they have some like plot to put you in the river. Like you're either getting baptized or you're getting the devils there. I mean, wow, these are.

Rivers are powerful, powerful parts of nature. Can't be controlled. It must be Satan. So true. Here we go. Safety issues. Allow us to get into the river with sudden onset of dark cloud and thunder and distance Five minutes later in a disorganized rush

They told us all to get out of river due to lightning No direction on where so many had to climb high banks and try to find paths to road scary We sat on bus once we found it and were getting wet from rain and leak in roof The guide came on board and asked if anyone was missing. No roll call or head count, disorganized chaos. Best news, gave us money back. Advice, trust your own instinct and don't rely on guides for your safety.

This place needs a safety inspection all the way around and back. End of review. I feel that's not the best advice. Ignore safety from the professionals. Not that they sound very professional based on this review, but I wouldn't expect the random review, the you know, the ordinary review reader to have the best instincts when it comes to river journeys. When or when not to get into a river. I feel like as a human species we've gotten very far away from like our natural understanding of our fear of nature and we

Don't probably fear it enough and maybe we should stay away unless there's like a certified person along for the ride So yeah, unless your instinct is saying stay away. Yeah Because I like that the bus driver also was shirtless with a big belly, but he didn't help with anything. He just drove the bus. And I'm like, well, what did you want him to help with? Like pull you out of the water? Like, I wouldn't want, I would, you know, I don't, what does he, I don't know what he's supposed to do.

He's not even wearing a shirt. Well, that's perfect for the water. He didn't even know he was supposed to work today. It looked like he was ready to hop. He was wearing like a Speedo. Well, yeah, he just wanted a little swim. He didn't want to like, fucking be on the job all the time.

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Cool. She sent in a review of the Mississippi River in St. Paul, and it's a three star review. This is written by Kenny. Pleasantly surprised with this one. No E. coli emerged from consumption. The taste is never off-putting. The Mississippi gets hate for being gross, but the taste isn't all that bad. I love the Mississippi. End of review. Oh, what are you doing? What? Drinking. Having a drink of water? Why? Okay, to be fair, no, it's the Mississippi basically at its source. That's fine. Listen to what I have to say real quick. This reviewer says, I was surprised that I didn't get E. coli. Yeah,

then don't drink it. Like if you really believe in your heart of hearts, you will get E. coli from this water, maybe avoid it. Like that's what I'm talking about instinct. Like why on earth would you drink it? I mean, I'm so thrilled. I believe you that it's very clean and tastes delicious. I'm sure clean river water is wonderful, but being so surprised that it was not detrimental

or even fatal to your system feels like, huh, what a bold choice when we live in an age where we don't have to drink water out of a river. You bring up very good points. Thank you so much. I didn't really think of it that way. Yeah, if you are surprised you're not getting E. coli, I just like, if somebody said watch this and then they explained like the risks of it,

I'd be like, I don't want to watch that. Why would you do that? Eight people gave it prayer hands, so I think people are praying for this person. Yeah, this person's, they're like, uh-oh. They're like, they don't know that St. Paul E. coli hits three days later. Yeah, Kimmy's gonna travel south along the Mississippi

and start drinking and it's not gonna not pretty. Yeah, that's the problem You know, I'm glad that you got it at nature's source, but like, you know, eventually I'd recommend kind of moving on So this is my last one. This is from Avi they them and it's of a cruise ship that goes up the Ohio River that sounds incredible. I can't wait to tell you about it. It's called the Ohio River Cruise. And Dave and Charlotte. I feel like we've talked about this.

This sounds so familiar. No, we've talked about the Ohio River, Cincinnati, Sip and Paint. Yeah, I remember that too. But Ohio River Cruise sounds familiar. Maybe that was just, oh fuck, your birthday coming up. Never mind. Just.

My birthday coming up? Yeah, in June. Sorry, I never mind. Just my birthday coming up. Yeah, June. Sorry. I never mind. Just pretend I didn't say anything. For our every day of art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, It goes to Marietta, Ohio Cool I was googling Marietta, Ohio like Why Marietta? That is a good question actually Marietta, Ohio why and then blaze said and blaze just saw Marietta and he was like, oh Marietta is cool

We went there for that baby shower and I said that was Marietta, Georgia and he goes. Oh, what are you talking about? And it does have very I'll tell you about about? I said, Marietta, Ohio. And it does have very, I'll tell you about it. Okay, here we go. I can't wait. I'm on the edge of my seat. Tell me more about Marietta. Trust me.

Okay, so Steel Magnolia Nine originally said in 2022, just booked the Ohio River cruise for the August 6th departure, St. Louis to Pittsburgh. Anyone booked or have been on the Ohio River cruise? And then Dave and Charlotte responded and said this. We took this cruise in 2019 on the Queen of the Mississippi since renamed and enjoyed it so much we are repeating it in 2023. We went westbound since we were more interested in a pre-cruise stay in Pittsburgh than in St. Louis. Highlights of the trip included

Louisville, Cincinnati, and Mayfield. In Cincinnati, we were docked directly beneath the ball field during a game, and when they won the game and shot off fireworks, burning bits shouted down on the ship. Look! Apparently that was a really good life. That's a thing that happened?

Uh-huh. Hilarious. I mean, maybe not that, maybe it shouldn't happen, but hilarious that it did happen. They seemed thrilled for some godforsaken reason. We were supposed to stop in Marietta, Ohio, but for some reason we had to skip it. But on the ship historian's recommendation, we later read David McCullough's amazing bestseller, The Pioneers. It is set in Marietta area and describes what happened

when the area was opened up after the Revolutionary War. End of review, post. Avi was like, is being pelted with firework debris a good thing? Is missing out on Marietta, Ohio something to be bummed about? Please join in my distress. So I did look up Marietta.

I guess there's this, do you know who David McCullough is? No. Okay, I had an's this do you know who David McCullough is no, okay I had an ex who was like obsessed with him. It's very like kind of political I can already picture like right. It's kind of like the golden age of America type shit And so he wrote a book he wrote like 1776. He wrote John Adams like Right brothers, and so he wrote I guess a book about Adams, like a lot of these. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Right, brothers. And so he wrote, I guess, a book about pioneers in the Ohio area, which is like the least interesting thing to me, because what I found out about Marietta is that there are Marietta earthworks, which are these like unbelievable archaeological earthworks from the indigenous folks that live there. And I think that part's really cool, but apparently the book is just about white people showing up and being themselves. So, you know, unfortunately I'm not interested in the book,

but apparently the earthworks are fascinating and they even have some sort of like connection to their cosmology beliefs and like relationship to the stars. It sounds really interesting. So I want to go there. No, that's, I feel like that's something that's something that I don't think the ship had much to do with that. Like the boat, the river cruise, you know,

I think they were focused on something else. Yeah. I feel like hearing about all this just brings me back to Mr. Venner's class back in the day. He was a history class. Yeah. We had an Ohio history class. It was very interesting. I actually learned a lot but I It was it's one that in hindsight. I wish I had paid a little more attention to and the things I remember were like Not like him in his

Civil War here. He did a reenactment, you know, and then my ex who loves David McCullough actually started going on those with him Yeah in like seventh grade. So I think that's why this I think I literally think that teacher is the reason for that would make all my suffering There's a lot of teachers on that list And don't worry you're on their list oh I I was on their list way before they were on my promise No, but this, I just agree. It's all I think about is, every time I think about Ohio history, I just think about that class.

And I feel like I learned a lot. I learned about Los Anteville and what that originally stood for. In any case, anyone's wondering, I probably said this before, L-O-S, OOS OS means mouth in Greek L Stands for licking river Los ante means across and Ville means town So it's a town across from the mouth of the licking river Los Anteville I thought that was the coolest fact when I was little and nobody else seemed interested

Anyway, and then they started dumping stuff some waste into the licking river from a well in stuff, some waste into the Licking River from a well in... From a slaughterhouse well, yeah. You know, and it's like... Would later become the most haunted place in the US. Why don't we talk about that at school? Like that would have been so much more interesting to me than like these white people showing up

and ruining everyone's day. And like I'd rather hear about the fucking other dark stuff, you know? Yeah, Bobby Mackie, if anyone's confused. Bobby Mackie is in my neck of the woods in Kentucky. Anyway, anyway, so I've got a couple more. The first one was sent in and they kind of relate to each other. This was sent in by Stacey.

And this is a review of the Allegheny River. Hey. And this Yelp location specifically is like Pittsburgh. And I really didn't need to say that. And you'll see why in a second. Here we go. Three stars. This is by Mike. This river kicks ass.

Yin's a jag off if you don't like this river, even it is filthy. Check out the River Run Heritage Trail if you're a runner, or even if you're not. You can run from Millvale on the river, run down last at the stadiums, across the Clemente Bridge, around the fountain at the point, up Boulevard of Eyes, and past the prison to the Hot Metal Bridge, crossing to the Hoffbrau House on the south side and then towards Station Square next to the railroad tracks across what we, that bridge is called, forgive me, Jagoffs, down Fifth Avenue, Penn through the cultural district

and past the U.S. Steel Building and then through the strip district in Lawrenceville, back across the 41st Street Bridge and back to Millvale. Highly, highly recommend this run. Pittsburgh Marathon runners, it's about 18.5 miles. And the review. Pfft, 18.5 miles? Get out of here.

One person said, love this, so. Okay, first of all, liar. Fucking liar. And suck up. Second of all, I'm so mad all of a sudden because I hate when people tell me to run. And I know he's not talking to me, but I just hate it.

Third of all, that is what it sounds like in case anyone's wondering talking to me but I just hate it. Third of all that is what it sounds like in case anyone's wondering when someone is giving me very basic directions like that's what I hear I hear like all sorts of noises and sounds and like this thing is that thing and I go uh-huh and then I walk away and go I have no clue what they just said to me. So yeah it's partially my fault for not parsing through like all the spelling mistakes and fixing things but I just wanted it to flow because there were no periods. So yeah, it was beautiful because it really did kind of let other people experience what I experienced when I hear normal directions.

You know, this is what it sounds like to me. Gibberish. What I experienced when I run, my heart rate went up just from reading it. I was not pleased. Stress and anger. Yeah. Natural reaction to running. And I love the yin's. You gotta love it. Then I saw, huh, there's another review here that's recommended of the Allegheny River. Who could this be by? This is a five star review by Fox of the Allegheny River, which like weirdly I wouldn't be surprised if we've read this before. Oh, okay. Isn't he like from Rochester? I think he's from Buffalo. Oh yeah, Buffalo.

Like, yeah, something like that. But like I think has a lot of reviews. I mean, obviously he travels a lot, but I think has ties to that part of New York. Yeah. And like Western New York and I assume Pittsburgh then because of that. But I don't know. Here we go. but I don't know, here we go. The French put the allee in Allegheny.

Manhattan residents put the ny in Allegheny. Barbie puts the leg in Allegheny. And I put the gay in Allegheny. I love Fox. There's the bye, there's no bye jokes in here. I love Fox. The gay, the leg and the gay. By the way, Barbie is the gal with high heels

that he's always posting pictures of. True, yeah, that's right. And this is from 2020, by the way, for all you historians, Fox historians. This is a beautiful- Oh, there's a David McCullough book about it too. Oh, good. Speaking of historians, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Just wanna make sure we got that covered. Good, no, no, no. It's called Gay and Allegheny. Yeah, I. Just wanna make sure we got that covered. Good, no, no, no. It's called Gay in Allegheny. Yeah, I was gonna say, they cut that part out. This is a beautiful river and a beautiful city. The three rivers come together and it makes the most gorgeous city of Pittsburgh.

Definitely one of the most beautiful cities in the world, not just in America. This river is a large part of the reason why. The three rivers have combined to make the most gorgeous downtown and the most amazing city. It's created such a wealth of beautiful scenery around here and is second to none. Pittsburgh will always be one of my favorite cities.

And this river is one of the reasons why. End of review. Oh my gosh, that's lovely. And honestly, I gotta agree. I love Pittsburgh. And I love a river city. And Pittsburgh is a river city. I love a river city and Pittsburgh is a river city I love a river city and an industry city and that is Pittsburgh and that makes a lot of sense. So true

Beautiful place right here in River City And that stands for something stands Stands for no. Stop cheap, cheap, cheaping. Cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap. And with that, we're going to go into our voicemail. And I purposefully read that review last. Here we go. Here is a voicemail that was sent in by Megan. She, her. All right.

Let's hear what Megan has to say. Hello, Christine and Zandi. This is Megan, she, her, and I just have a little Yelp story to share with you guys. So this was probably, oh, like a year, year and a half ago, something like that. And I was listening to one of your many episodes that mention a Fox review.

And I was less than sober, let's say. And I got really curious about Fox. So I pulled up a stage and a la Christine drunkenly spam tweeting Zach Baggins, I started drunkenly spam liking Fox's Yelp reviews. And then I looked and saw that he has, in addition to his thousands of reviews, he also has thousands of Yelp friends. And I thought there's no way that he actually knows all of these thousands of people in

person. Right. So maybe he's one to just accept friend requests. Maybe. So I got up my courage and I decided that I was going to send him a friend request. And the way that Yelp works when you send a friend request is that they encourage you to write a message as well, saying like how you know them or why you want to be friends whatever. This is courageous if you ask me. So I was a little stumped. I mean what do you say

to such a legend as Fox Ellipsis? I decided ultimately to keep it short and sweet and speak his language so I wrote him a little rhyme and it went like this. No one's reviews compare to Fox. No one could ever put Fox in a box. Each review's hilarity really knocks off my socks. I hope with this rhyme our Yelp friendship unlocks. So I sent that and forgot about it until a couple months later I received a notification from Yelp saying that a friend request had been accepted and immediately my palms and pits started sweating. Mine are sweating and I've heard this story before. I mean, and with shaking hands I opened it up and yes indeed Fox had accepted my Yelp friend invitation.

And not only that, but he had sent a message back. And he said, your rhyme to me was nothing short of brilliant. Now, let me tell you, I rode that high for a good day or two, but I rode it alone because I have no one else who would understand the enormity of this Parasocial interaction with the legend that is fun So I figured I would tell you guys. Yes. And uh, yeah, that's that I love the show been listening for a while You've read the reviews that I've sent in a few times, which always makes my day so much brighter. And I just really appreciate how much effort you guys put

into engaging with and incorporating the listeners into your show. I think it's really cool. So, thank you. I never know how to end voice mail. It gives me anxiety every time. So I will just say, just kidding. I'm literally intentionally contributing

to your phone anxiety, because I also feel that way when I'm on the phone leaving a voicemail. Relatable. Wow, I feel like next time, Zanny, you've got to have your hand over the pods, because I was like, I have so much to say. I was tempted. If you had yelled pause, I would have done it,

but I was like, I'm just going to let it go. I know, we need to get through it and let her tell her story. But wow, what a fucking courageous heroine of a person absolutely and and and it's like a night you know going on a quest yeah coming back with us the goods I'm so impressed I'm so impressed that you went rogue should be a writer vigilante you know you should be a New York Times bestselling author with that you so much a New York Times bestselling author with that

He's so much Story about nights returning with the goods. Yeah Seriously that was so I was so happy here's what's upsetting Yet blaze is gonna be so sad cuz blaze sent him a message request and a friend drew years ago and never Yeah Did he try a fucking exactly? message request and a friend request years ago and never got added. Yeah. Did he try to write a fucking poem? Exactly. Exactly.

Sorry. Megan, you are doing something that we all wish we could do and you're thriving and I hope you continue writing that high now that you've shared your story on here. And I want you to know like we're celebrating you. I know you said you have to ride the high alone. Like you've just passed the high along. It's growing. We're all celebrating with you. We're all feeling the love to ride the high alone. Like you've just passed the high along. It's growing. We're all celebrating with you.

We're all feeling the love and feeling the Fox high. So thank you for sharing. Yeah. I listened to this when she first sent it in. I was just like, oh my God, I cannot wait to get to this one. Yeah. If you'd like to send in a voicemail about anything,

I mean, listen, we didn't give it much, many parameters, and you all have really done exactly what we had Didn't know what we're hoping for if that makes any sense But if you have a story if you have a Karen in the wild story if you have your own retail horror story if you Have a Yelp story if you are Fox or have met Fox Please please don't be mad at us, but also you can leave us a voicemail That is a patreon access situation you go to our patreon Patreon, patreon.com slash bgcnd. We love hearing from you.

All right, now it's time for my challenge, which was from two people that you said earlier. Finn and Angel. Finn and Angel, and I was going to find reviews where someone said that they were served or someone was served. So when I first researched this, which was like a week ago, like I sat down and tried, because we were planning on recording before.

Oh yeah. Christina, I, in my head, this was similar to a different challenge we had. And I thought it meant like in the slang way of like, you got served. Because I thought I was like, oh, that's silly. Yeah. And I was like, that would be silly. And then I realized when you're looking at reviews, especially on Yelp and Trip Advisor, people get served a lot of things. And usually it's food. I realized when you're looking at reviews, especially on Yelp and TripAdvisor,

people get served a lot of things and usually it's food. I know. Um, and sometimes it is, uh, like legal documents. Thankfully I texted you and was like, Hey, what, what first popped in your mind when you chose this challenge? And it was the legal paperwork. And I was like, oh, I'm dumb. I should have just done that from the start.

But instead I was like, no, that doesn't count. It's gotta be, I don't know why. I like had this weird mission of like doing, you got served. And it was, I couldn't find anything. Not a single review. Fantastic. Even more reason to keep doing it.

I felt insane. I was being insane. Anyway. I feel insane. Wow. That was my bad. Now. I feel bad because I literally posted it, and then I went,

and someone said, do they mean served like legally served? And I went, oh, frick. Of course, it's like confusing. You get served in every review with food or drinks or whatever, and then there's like served, like you're slang, then they're served like you've been served Which um is what I was going for but I don't know. I don't know Well, I went down that final route and found some things. Oh, um, don't worry. Oh, yeah

I got something and and and an email, uh from stephanie And that one is a long journey. So I figured I'd start here with something I found that is not quite exactly the same, but it's kind of funny and relevant to, was relevant to my research. This is a Yelp forum post titled, don't sue Yelp, sue the reviewer. Whoa.

This was posted by Luna. This was posted by Luna. This was back in 2012. And here is what they have to say. That's right. Yelp is just like Facebook, Twitter, and other third party content providers. They can allow reviewers to publish whatever the fuck they want.

They can get away with it because they are protected by the Communications Decency Act, CDA, section 230. The CDA was meant to protect children from access to online pornography. The Supreme Court struck down the act in 1996 because the justices were mostly fat, rich white men who couldn't stop jacking off to bigtitties.com. Woof.

Ironically, Yelp is almost as popular and controversial as internet porn, so I'm not surprised that this is the law that they hide behind. The question then is, what do you do if someone says something that is not true? The filter doesn't catch everything, right? The answer is, if you have physical evidence that a negative comment has negatively impacted your business and that the claim was false, you can sue a reviewer for libel. You can ask Yelp for the ISP provider of the reviewer.

Once you have the ISP provider, like Cox or Time Warner, you can ask them to send the ISP subscriber with a subpoena. I don't like it at all. I asked Yelp to remove my business because I felt vulnerable to false reviews. They say that Yelp is obligated to share the reviews to the public. Is her business a law firm?

Would not be funny. I know, right? I actually don't know. I couldn't figure it out. Um... It is their right under the First Amendment, which is true if you prefer freedom of speech to human decency. My point is, better not to fight the system. If you get a libelous review, you can comment to the reviewer. If you have proof that the review was inaccurate, you can ask Yelp to remove it. If the review is not then removed, you can then take legal action and inform Yelp that

you are going to issue a subpoena to the reviewer. At that point, they will most likely remove it from your profile. In most cases, you will not need to get to this point because the fucking review filter filters out almost every new review. End of post. Holy shit. Did anybody respond? Oh review. End of post. Holy shit. Did anybody respond? Oh yeah.

Oh, okay. Someone corrected them and said, Yelp does not keep a list of ISP providers. And they said, oops, I meant to write IP address and then like linked a San Diego law firm website. Okay. I mean, all right. But then a lot of people were like, this kind of goes both ways. Like, just because you're saying it's fake, like, you know, like, it's not really

what they said was like, you need proof, which is true of any of these of any libel case, which is if you need proof that it was detrimental to you in some way way how on earth are you? It's so hard to prove It's it's hard to prove even when it's printed in a fucking newspaper little unlike on Yelp. Like yeah, I don't know It's hard enough to sue whatever. I just I'm like I feel like Theoretically, maybe that makes sense. I mean I would argue. Yes that Writing a threat to sue probably is pretty effective, which we've seen people do before. Probably the last thing you can do. I feel like you can't really take it any farther than that. As far as you can take it, right?

I think some people were, like recently I want to say, sued for Yelp reviews. Am I wrong? I don't know. I meant to look this up. I completely haven't heard of that. I believe I saw this recently. I want to say it was like when we were on tour or something. And I read about it. Oh, actually, you know what? Like, it's not a, wow, yeah.

There are like Reddit posts about people who are being sued by business owners. Jeez. Saying, oh, my girlfriend's dentist sued her for a review. What in the world? So this is a thing. But like, honestly, it's just there's no way it's like, again, First Amendment shit. And like, it can't be an effective way of maintaining a good reputation for your business.

I don't think. I don't think so. But basically, they can sue all they want. That doesn't mean anything's gonna come of it. Fox could get served any day now. Cause he, I mean, it's not, it's lying as part of creativity, which I feel like then he has the Fair Use Act or not the Fair Use Act,

but like the almost, what's the one with comedy and humor, like where you, you know, he's like, oh, this is satire, right? Like I'm just writing a little poem. It's real so you know you could go back and forth in lawyerly discussions all day but I think Fox he's immune I think he knows yelp like the back of his hand so I'll be careful trying to sue him if he's not immune we will definitely start a go fund me to raise funds because that is the most pressing I don't know that his rights are above everyone else's. We gotta inoculate him against evil powers on Yelp.

Yeah. What a way to put that. We need to inoculate. Well you said if he's not immune we need to start go fund me. I was like are we going into some weird like he needs his immunizations and then I realized you were still talking about his rights. So I was like, oh. Oh man, the inoculation threw me. I'm like, what? What are we doing? Okay.

Wink. I can't wait to inoculate. I think they do that in the Charles River. It was a Huxer kind of making a big scene. I thought that was it. Yeah, it was you. I'll inoculate you. Yeah, that's right.

I made some good money that day Here's a one-star review now of guaranteed subpoena service Yes, I love the 21st century sometimes one star Did not serve the person they were paid to serve handed over the papers to someone else causing my case to be delayed and okay but like I love wait can you name the business the first words about guaranteed subpoena subpoena subpoena surface okay so I guess like technically they did the penis someone's great so I'm like maybe that's the loophole if someone came up to me in the street and handed me a manila envelope and said you've been

served I'd be like I don't know what this is about but I sure was like I I don't know if it'll actually I for me. I haven't been inoculated. I mean, technically you're right. They did subpoena someone. Yeah. Gave it to the wrong person. Oh my god. Of a place to call guaranteed. I mean, really, wow.

Yeah. There were a few more reviews I found of things like that. But it was pretty much all the same. These people who were paying a service to subpoena someone else were getting quote-unquote scammed and they were they're like oh yeah we couldn't find them like they weren't actually subpoenaing anybody. Weirdly last night I was watching Grace and Frankie and there was a scene where Grace who's Jane Fonda opens the door and there is a person speaking sign language and he says hello and she says hello and he says,

Are you Grace Hansen? And she says, I am and he hands her an envelope and she's like, what's this? And he just In sign language says you've been served and then he goes, sorry. He like does a frown face and walks away and she's like, thank you It's like I love that. They were just like sure we'll do it in sign language. That's cool. Yeah, I love it. Why not? Pretty effective. I got harder to get mad, you know, like, I don't know, that would throw me off. How are you going to do? Like try to learn sign language, Google how to say fuck you and sign language. You know, I don't need to prepare.

That's all I know. That's the only one you know. Um, okay. Now where is the library and the water fountain or whatever? Bibliotheca. Um, I, yeah, here is the journey that Stephanie, uh, she, they, and the water fountain or whatever. Bibliotheca. Yeah, here is the journey that Stephanie, she, they. Why do we always follow them though? Like every single time.

Because they end up always being worth it. Stephanie, you just have a way with links. And Christina, you will like this one, don't worry. Because this is from a little forum called cruisecritic.com. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Does somebody get served on international waters? this one don't worry because this is from a little forum called cruise critic dot com fuck yeah fuck yeah does somebody get served on international waters this this is hilarious to me i am just so oh god it's so funny and i will would like to say i would like to say that this that this original poster,

their patience is absolutely incredible. I very much respect them based on all their posts. Here's a post, okay? Okay. On January 22nd, 2013, Allison said this. My sister is joining me for our cruise leaving on Saturday. She is in a separate cabin with a friend. She just got served with a subpoena and has to appear in court on Monday.

She said the judge will not excuse her even with proof of her trip. The lawyer is telling her to stay anyways because it will damage the case if she doesn't. They are booked early saver. Are there any options? Frowny face. End of post. So this is like a very real call for help. Like not call for help sounds dramatic, but like asking for help or advice.

Not like, oh, has anyone else been on this cruise? Specifically in the Carnival Cruise Lines sub forum. Oh, and I forgot to read the title is help subpoena came at a bad time. So like, which sums it up. Hey, fun fact, I know we're about to talk about somebody else, let me talk about me for a minute. By the time I was subpoenaed when we had a trip planned.

Oh, not really, wait, what happened? We were supposed to go to Lollapalooza and we bought tickets. Oh, that's what happened? Oh, from the bus thing, oh my God. And then I got fucking subpoenaed and had to drive to DC. Nothing was paid, right? It's like I had to pay everything.

Then I had to get cross-examined on the stand as a 19-year-old young woman by this man who basically kept insinuating women can't drive. And I had a full-blown panic attack and I threw up outside the courtroom because my Crohn's got so bad. And I missed Lollapalooza. And bad. And I missed Lollapalooza. And guess what?

I lost the- I missed Lollapalooza too. I know, and I lost the case because apparently it turns out that even though he did hit and run my car, he was texting or he was on the phone. And even though he was on the phone and it was illegal to be on the phone,

the case wasn't about him being on the phone. So they argued, yeah, it was illegal for him to be on the phone, but that's not what this is about. It's just about that he didn't realize he hit her car. And since he was on the phone, So they argued. Yeah, it was illegal for him to be on the phone But that's not this is about it's just about that. He didn't realize he hit her car and since he was on the phone He didn't realize he hit her car. Oh my god. That's insane. Okay That day and I went I could be watching What band was there that year Lord if I know what year was that like fucking 2012? Metro right now. I'm trying to think of like any. You mean metric? Metric?

I think Metro, wasn't that a band, Renee and I was doing like middle school. You're thinking of, oh my God, what are you thinking of? What's the one with monkeys? Oh, Arctic monkeys? No, not Arctic monkeys. What's the one where they sing about? What's the one with monkeys?

And I used this song for the Bunbury challenge when I did the video for Bunbury We come run. No, not that one That was a different song It's so depressed monkeys no, that's Well, this was in 19- Metro Station? Oh, well, Metro Station, yes. Is that what you're thinking of?

The one Renee and I were listening to. No, but I was thinking of metric when I said- Yes, I figured you were. Okay. Which makes sense, because I listened to a lot of metric back then in DC. So did I. And there was, you know, I gotta say,

I'm gonna be really annoyed later when I when I think of it But I'm gonna yell it at us when you're ready or text me later. It's about about Chicago What song is it? Oh, it was Chicago San Francisco the San Francisco That's why I kept thinking monkeys. Sorry. Phew Wow that's weirdly made Yeah, I'd click when you should say Chicago and media was like, oh San Francisco by Mowgli's and then I was like that can't Oh, I guess that doesn't make sense. Sorry. Anyway, I really far stretch I met the lead singer of

of Whatever the band is I just said the Mowgli's at a group love show in Texas Was that after or before this? That was That might have those probably after cuz I was living on to live your dreams. Congratulations. I did I did I live my dreams Let's see what happened though to Allison's sister because I'd rather talk about my thing. No, I know This is actually surprisingly a lot more interesting. I can't believe it. I can't imagine why. Go ahead.

Well, here's what Ruthless Boss has to say. Must be some case if she's that important. Eek! Oh, OK. Just had to throw in an eek there. I mean, as you can just tell from my experience, it's not necessarily that important. Yeah.

And I cannot stress how unhelpful this thread was overall. I mean, I assume that I'm glad you're giving us all like a reminder. Yeah, there were a couple nuggets of like, oh, that seems like good advice. And I say seems like because I don't actually know anything about subpoenas. But the people who were like, talk to a fucking lawyer. They didn't say it like that. But like, if you want to do something like good guidance. Yeah, but I will say what this person appears to be doing is asking cruise people, not about legal advice, no, that's true. They're like what they can do cruise related. And I

believe that's true based on their responses. Because they were not like, giving any more details. And yet people were making the wildest assumptions anyway anyway anyway here is another um oh sorry before i go into the next ones so people were asking about trip insurance which was a good question and the poster said they didn't have any and that they wish they had and they realized like now why it would have been a good idea like they weren't saying i wonder if that covers subpoenas i no i think but with half the time, trip insurance doesn't cover jack shit. So, OK, maybe not then. I don't know. But a lot of people were suggesting or asking at least if they had trip

insurance. And they did talk like this person did try things. Like people were acting like you should ask, you should talk to the judge. You should call Carnival. It's like, I mean, they already said they talked to the lawyer and yeah should call carnival. It's like, I mean, they already said they talked to the lawyer and yeah. Okay, whatever. Um, also let them people kept saying talk to the judge talk to the clerk, etc And what the person said was that the judge wasn't feeling lenient because someone else from the same side of the case uh From the sister side who was getting called, uh was arrested because they didn't appear in court.

So the lawyer on their side was like, hey, we need you to show up. Like we cannot have you miss this. Someone else was arrested for missing it. Your dumbass sister didn't show up and now she's in jail and you're on your cruise. Too bad. Get your ass home. And at the end of the day, what people were saying was it's whatever the judge says. You got to do. You got to. You got to do. That's just how it is. But here's what some other people had to say. Melissa Mass says.

I would be in contempt of court for sure. I would go on that cruise and let the chips fall where they may. Hey, I've seen NCIS and stuff like that. I will just be in contempt. It's easy. I'm on international waters like what amazing advice. Like just don't go. You know what? If you were to do that poster, congratulations, I'm not going to stop you. Why would you tell someone else to do it? The number of people who suggested that this says the sister

just not show up to court is hilarious. These people have lost their minds. Anyway, it's one thing to make your stand about the justice system, and plenty of people took the time to do that for sure, because there are seven pages of this thing. Understandably. But to be like, just don't go.

Not very helpful. No. Believe it or not. Certainly not. Here's what Viola Swamp has to say. Good old Viola Swamp. This is ridiculous. What if she had heart surgery scheduled for that day?

The funeral of a loved one, a $20,000 wedding all paid for. They'd expect her to miss all of these events due to their inflexibility, including a non-refundable foreign vacation that she's paid hundreds or thousands of dollars on already? Talk about infuriating, mad. And of that post.

Um. I love how, and I would really like to stress, the poster gave zero information about what kind of case because, and I would agree with them, it isn't relevant. It's none of your fucking business. It's not relevant at all. I know what they're asking of them. They gave plenty of information.

I felt like I understood the question pretty clearly. I don't know what the answer is, but I understood the question. And it wasn't like, oh, she might be, it's like that stupid what if game, like, oh, well, what's next, dog's getting married. And it's like that stupid what if game, like, oh, well, what's next, dogs getting married. And it's like, where the fuck did you get that from? Like, I'm sure if she was having heart surgery, yeah, she would be literally on anesthesia.

Obviously, what are you talking about? A cruise to the funeral of a loved one or a $20,000 wedding. Look, don't get me wrong, this is super inconvenient and shitty, like it me wrong. The way that they act super inconvenient and shitty like it sucks. The way that everyone said just stay on the cruise like that is seems to be like they keep it in the same echelon as a funeral for your loved one. Like it's the same level of importance. We're not even done. It these this is hilarious.

Here's what someone has to say. And this person very self-aware, Fireman Bob's wife says, sorry to hear Mrs. Fireman Bob. Mrs. Fireman Bob says, sorry to hear of all the times for something like this to happen. Vacation is so important to us. I would be devastated and really angry. So much so I would turn into a hostile witness

and they probably wouldn't want me being there. Hope it gets worked out. Please keep us posted. Wink, read between the lines. I love how, but like this person doesn't even know why this person's getting called to the stand. It turns out the sister knows both the defendant and the plaintiff.

That's all the info we get. So like it is relevant to the sister in some way. You want me to look it up? I did not and I don't have any names. No, I said do you want me to look it up? No, I don't have any names anyway to give you we can do that on our own time there's still more to get through here you you will do that on your own time I meant to say you're already in my notes getting the link I'm sure my little raccoon hands

are very still I know I know I could tell I can't touch the screen yet I need to listen you gotta listen so this person said they'd be a hostile witness and this is Lawyer I'm gonna call Renee be like I'm sorry for about your life. It feels like you must be so frustrated all the time I was think about Renee reading this She rarely goes to court but when she does I'm like, yeah gonna make you want to jump out a window I don't know. The best advice was given by someone who was like, I am not a lawyer or I am a lawyer. I am not your lawyer. This is not legal advice. Here's what I know of the system. And like,

it was just factual information, not this crazy shit. But that's what that that's what like Quora is good for. Because you get somebody who has like a verified like I'm a medical doctor or am a lawyer, and I have insight, you know? And it's like, cruise critic. It feels like cruise critic should be. Sometimes I trust cruise critic more than Quora, though. I guess that, exactly. But at least with this, it's like,

well, you're going to the experts, right? You're going to the cruise or. They're just not giving you really any helpful information aside from the lawyer cruiser, cool cruiser. Well, here is some information that's more relevant to the cruise part. Here we go, what this person has to say and a suggestion for how to do this.

Hey, if she has to fly to the cruise port, make sure she does not take her passport and only buys the one-way ticket. That way, if they want her, they will send someone to get her and she can fly home from the cruise port after the cruise for free And without the passport she is less likely to get triggered on some government lists for being in contempt and having a warrant out for her less likely

Less likely a little bit less. Oh, yeah That was that was in response to someone say the person saying that they would be held in contempt of court So don't bring your passport. So flee the country? I'm sorry, let me read between the lines. You're saying leave the country intentionally without your passport, which is illegal. I don't know if this is an international cruise.

I forget. They said it was. Did they say it was international? My mistake. No, a responder said it was. I don't know if it was. I don't think the O.op could ever said it was. Oh, I see. Oh, you said a foreign vacation.

You're right, you're right. The person said that. So intentionally don't bring your passport? And I think they're right. Yeah. No, that, again, that's deeply illegal. Oh, it's an awful idea. You're not going to come back in? What are you talking about? You're going to end up on a list for the rest of your fucking life. Yeah.

But, uh, and there are like some other things where like, like the, the OP had the gall to say that they're hoping that it gets postponed because there were some issues with that cruise ships thrusters. And so there was a chance they'd have to postpone the cruise. And so they're like, Oh, I hope they postpone it. And people are like, Oh, you would want an inconvenience all thousands of other passengers. Oh, please, get over yourself.

And you know what they said? They were like, yeah, for my loved one, sure. Thank you, big time. Thank you, at least, for being fucking honest. I love this OP. They were just like, yeah, fuck off. It was so good. Anyway, Waldo Cruiser also had this to say.

They said that this is about being a hostile witness, okay? Waldo's like, hang on. Waldo's got things, I love this. Saying, I could see me doing this also. I would tell the truth, but it might get longer. When did you see what happened? I remember it was Tuesday. Are you sure?

Yes, I remember because it was six weeks before my Carnival cruise I was going on but when I was supposed to leave on today Every answer would have my cruise in it as long as I could get away with it, which I thought is hilarious Like well, that's actually pretty funny. It's like I'm gonna make well, I mean I made there I mean I remember sitting there going if I had known that I'd be cross-examined about how bad women are at driving I would have come with a much better like you know what I mean if I had had the insight to understand

At 19 what this even meant. Yeah, like being put on the stand and cross-examined and I nowadays man I would fucking prepare some what I thought was very cutting remark that they probably would immediately say like Struck from the record. I don't know stop talking about about your cruise. And then you probably have to stop talking about your cruise. So they probably would shut you up pretty quick. Yeah, you'd probably get in trouble if you kept going. But I really, Waldo, that is, like you're just the one who's like, I will go with my head held high.

And not just the only one. Like there are so many people who are acting like that, that they'd be like, like fight the man type of thing. It was so funny. For their cruise. That this is what it takes. Yeah, the crew, You touch our cruisers. First they came for literally everyone else. Now they came for cruisers.

Now we've got a problem. And now there's no one to speak for the crew. And then basically like people did ask questions like further clarifying questions. OP like responded about whether or not the sister could like meet them at a different port later. And basically all like- That's nice. And the OP was like, oh, good point,

but no, it doesn't work because blah, blah, blah. So like there was some really actually like useful discussion in there. How many, do you know how many responses it got? Oh gosh, it was seven pages. And each page had, I don't know, 20. Oh, actually, wait, I can see exactly how many responses. Let me go to the last page, because each one is numbered.

Oh, right. There were, oh, wow, 172 responses total to this thread. And OP probably had like fewer than 10, maybe 10 total, I thought. I'm going through all the pages. Oh, in that number. Yeah, yeah. Of the 172, the OP only actually responded like 10 only, I say.

That was all that was actually necessary. Because the rest was just fluff. Oh, and you'll see what I'm talking about in a sec. But first, I will give a little bit of an update on the cruise. We have some news. Oh my god. Here's what Allison has to say. It was set on fire that day. Nobody knows who did it.

Unfortunately, everything has been tried and shot down. My sister will not be going on the cruise and her friend has also backed out. At this point, they are hoping the cruise alters the itinerary so they will be offered a refund. They were able to get their airfare in the form of a future credit with proof of the subpoena. My question at this point is that they have an 8C balcony on the veranda deck, while I am in a 1A cabin on the main deck. If the ship does not alter their itinerary, and they do not get their refund, what is the best way to handle it? Cancel ahead and get their taxes back?

No show and get their taxes back? Is there any way that one of the people in my cabin can switch with one of them and get the key to their cabin? Such a shame to have let their cabin go wasted while we are in the bottom of the ship though I have been looking forward to my first portholes lol Which I was I thought was cute like my first portholes. I'm like my first porthole. I mean I get it that sounds like fun That does um and so that was just a little update and that was even after people were like upset that they And so that was just a little update. And that was even after people were upset that they wanted it

postponed. They were like, whatever. But here- They're not saying they're going to fucking, again, set the ship on fire. They're just saying, hey, it'd be really convenient if it got delayed. Yeah.

And it would. Like, it's something out of their control anyway. Right. It's like they're doing it on purpose. And now I want to really give you an example of how unhinged this thread got. Oh. And without any context, because I don't know if I have any, I'm going to read this

full comment from Maggie Cruzes. Well then, if you are old enough to remember the assassination, you certainly have heard the term grassy knoll before. It doesn't matter how you recall the day or what triggers your memory of it, but the term grassy knoll has been used numerous times over the past 50 years, and from what I gather, few people question what it is referring to. Again, it doesn't matter what triggers your memory, what the post was saying is simply that this person being called to jury duty is actually most likely meaningless in the grand scheme of things, and she should be allowed to go on her trip.

And for those that will now say, well, she could be locking up a killer with her testimony. All I can say is that we have not heard anything to reference that in this thread, but had we heard it was something like that, then yes, her being there would be extremely important. I personally think her testimony is not going to make much difference.

Just my humble opinion. What? End of review. My humble opinion. And again, for the 10 millionth time, no context has been given about what kind of cases it is because it has not been relevant. Hey, what are you talking about, grassy null? Is this the assassination of JFK? Is that what she's...

Yes, Christina. No, but I mean, is she on trial for that? Yeah, that's... Like, is that what she's being subpoenaed about? Like, is that still happening? Well, you kind of nailed why it was brought up. It was brought up because someone literally was like, it's not like she's testifying about the grassy knoll. But then other people were like, what's

or one person was like, what's grassy knoll? Like, I don't understand what this means. And then people got weirdly defensive about someone not knowing what grassy knoll was. People were like, my 15-year-old knows what grassy knoll means. The other day, about someone not knowing what grassy knoll was. I mean. My 15 year old knows what grassy knoll means. The other day, Em didn't know what grassy knoll meant, and I was like, and we were in Texas,

and Em was like, oh yeah, I went. Why is anyone saying grassy knoll while you're in Texas? Because Em was like, I went there, and we were like, oh. Oh. And we were like, you know what it is, right? And Em was like, no, and we were like, how did it feel, what was it like?

Oh. They put it together eventually, but they were like, yeah did it feel? What was it like? And they put it together eventually, but they were like, yeah, it was on the list. It said to go there. Oh, I was like, why were they even there? It was like a touristy list or something. Oh my God. I was like, how do you just end up at the grassy knoll? I know, that's what Eva and I both went, oh.

But no, then they were like, oh, oops, but it was beautiful. And there were people having picnics. And I was like, okay. No, it was funny. But I feel like but they did end up like realizing and putting it together But yeah, I the rifle in their hands. Yeah, I see where I am now. Oh, I see I don't know why on earth on On any grassy earth that you need to discuss the grassy knoll as part of this question about a cruise. Like I don't.

I respect OP so much, Allison, for never replying to a single one of those. Thank God, just let it be. It's so funny how 172 posts and Allison's is like actually only, I hope they got a good laugh out of this. But anyway, I'm gonna do this final, this is Allison's final post about all this. And this, oh, and can I just say,

there were people who were like, we haven't heard from you in 15 minutes, where's our update? Like literally, within 15 minutes, they were of no response, he said, we haven't heard from you since 1039. And I checked when it was posted, it was like 1045. 55. Does anyone know the grassy kn it was like 1045. Or 1055.

Does anyone know that Grassy Noel was like 50 years ago? Like, are you? Yes, I did, because people were like, the 50th anniversary is coming up. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, that's why I'm like, stop. Why are we talking about this? Anyway, this is what Allison has to say,

final post from Allison. Hi, y'all. I did go on the cruise. You're all being subpoenaed. I'm sending you all to prison right now. Fuck all of you. Is that why everyone says band next to their names? Yeah, you're being banned. Going to the cruise jail. So bad. The brig. Going to the brig. Hi all I did go on the cruise and my sister and her cabin mate did not. She bailed simply because my sister couldn't go.

My sister did testify in court this past week and her 8C cabin was cancelled. I did ask if I could have her cabin since I had booked it for her. A long shot, I know. I was not able to have it but I was given an upgrade from my 1A with portholes to a 4J and given my request to switch dinnertime even though the maitre d had already said it was not possible. My sister and her cabin mate did lose all their money but I think maybe their port fees will be given back. Thanks for the input, and ultimately, the lesson here is to buy travel insurance and to post. Like totally.

That's so helpful. What was so nice was that they like never once implied that the sister was like complaining or mad or like. No. Like it was frustrating obviously. It was almost like what was the best, what's the best we can make of this crummy situation? Not like, hey, let's burn down the building.

Let's pretend we're all losing our passports so we don't have to go to court. Like, what on earth? People took that way too far. I said it out loud and I went, stupid thing to say on a podcast about Yelp reviewers. And I will say there was something that was kind of scary. Hold on, I'm going to find the post.

So I went back a couple pages because I hadn't screen shot this, but this is funny and scary to me. Good. My two favorite things. So we know the OP had posted their cabin numbers and stuff. Here is what Ruthless Boss actually, who I think is the one who originally said- Who was an early contributor.

Who originally said, must be some case if she's that important. Eek! That was the first one. Here's what Ruthless Boss has to say about, this was after all this has gone down the ship the day the ship Oh, you said after it was all gone down the ship. Oh, no. No. Yeah, that was poor poor poor use of Not did not mean to do that Here we go. Here's what Ruthless Boss says this is before the update from OP about okay how everything went sure

The ship sailed at 415 today, watched it leave on the webcam without the summoned person and cabin mate. The balcony cabin is empty. Our poster and her cabin mate are in the 1A according to an answer she gave on another thread. I don't know what I'd do if it was my predicament. Hey, you gotta go away

and like take a lesson about internet safety and not do this. Christina, I don't think anyone, and no one thought this was weird. I mean, they all, everyone just kind of- What's this webcam and why does it know who's in what room? Like, what are you talking about? No, I think this person just knows the, they know the ship so well that they're like port cams.

I assume it was like a cam of the port, like a live stream of the port. How do they know whether the person came? They probably didn't see lights on, I don't know. Like maybe they don't actually know or the balcony. Maybe the room was empty. No, they seem pretty damn confident. They did seem confident,

which is why I was scared when I read that. It's scary because I need to know how so that I can like be cognizant of this. Like I watched it on, I watched everyone arrive on the webcam. What are you talking about? Yeah. I'm gonna go look. Okay. You have fun with that. That's all I've got. So webcam. Oh my God. Are you kidding me right now? Watch real time webcam views offering live perspectives from on board. So they literally watch the hallway to check if somebody went into that room.

That seems really not okay. Hey guys, it should be, if we're losing people at sea and they're disappearing forever, and there are webcams on every fucking thing, why on earth is any of that happening? This is outrageous. That's hilarious to me that this, yeah, wow, webcams on every fucking thing. Why on earth is any of that happening? This is outrageous. That's hilarious to me that this, yeah, wow. Webcams on- Oh my God.

All of Carnival Cruise Line's onboard ship cameras have been decommissioned. Oh. Wow. Multiple cruise lines took their cameras out of service at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. This is on cruisingearth.com. Oh God, another one. But so you- No cruise line that did this has returned them to service.

Is that because people wouldn't see if they were following precautions or something? I'm curious why they would remove it for COVID because it's not COVID related, keeping distance and stuff. There are plenty that are still open. Viking cruises. Let's see what's happening on the Neptune.

I imagine if you just show up at a random time, it's the most boring thing ever. But if you show up at the right time, maybe you'll catch the, oh, maybe you'll catch some upside down pineapple doors being opened. That's what I'm saying. Like think about the drama. No, but think about if you knew somebody going on a ship, right? Like, uh, like somebody you're not a fan of or like a family. When our father got, one on his cruise.

Right. And like, you know, and it's like, so anybody can just go on and see where he is on the boat. Like that feels like if you have a problem with somebody say and you like or, you know, they're like an enemy or something or like why on earth would the Internet just give them public access to who's wandering around or outside their hotel room? It's not like you can hop into any hotel

and just monitor the hallways, you know? Yeah, I did know that, actually. So yeah, you're right. Well, now I'm gonna check, because maybe I can, I just didn't know. You can. Wait, Christina, wasn't that like a new Hilton Honors Rewards thing?

Yeah, that's platinum status. You spend enough money, they give you access to all their security cameras. I'm not quite there yet. I gotta get on there. No, so now I'm annoyed, because these are all panoramic, You spend enough money and they give you access to all their security cameras. I'm not quite there yet. I gotta get on there. So now I'm annoyed because these are all panoramic. So they don't even have, they just have outside views now. Okay, so I don't know how this person saw it, but this was back in the day.

So maybe it was when they actually had all the indoor ones. It said they were actively showing interior events happening. That's hilarious though. that was a thing. The British Antarctic Survey has a webcam you can watch. Oh good, I was waiting for them to have one. The Sir David Attenborough camera. Hey, this is fun out there. Oh my God, is he sleeping?

What's he doing? Why is he just sleeping? David Attenborough? Yeah. Why is he in a casket? Sorry. This is the livestream of his funeral, just kidding. Oh, what the fuck?

I said that. I don't know why I said that. I didn't mean it. I love David Attenborough. Yeah, OK. Watch, he's going to die before this episode releases. No, see, that's what I'm so scared of. Because I've that.

You're saying you're doing it like, this is like the third week in a row you've done this. And like, it makes me think you're doing this on purpose to try to get to kill someone. I'm not trying to kill anybody, I swear. Like you're practicing some sort of spell or something. Alexander, it's not true, because I really love David Attenborough. Okay, well, this was recorded on February 18th, so.

Alexander, don't do that. That he survives a week. Oh wait, here we go. Here we go. The princess cruises, now they have some fun cameras. What's the wedding camera? Wait, what's the bathroom camera? Alexander.

Okay, I will make this stop now. I'm so sorry everybody, but thank you for listening to our show. Do we have anything else to add, Zandi? Yeah, if you wanna, patrons have access to my living room camera. If you want to hop in there, I'll just be sitting there. I don't have access. If you hop in at the right time, you might get lucky. Yeah. No, not really. Patrons, Patreon, we thank you again, Megan, for that lovely voicemail

and sharing your newfound friendship with Fox. That's like beautiful really. I love that Yeah, so patreon.com such beach to Sandy if you'd like to Send one in or help us by finding us reviews sending us emails Being a part of the show. We really appreciate all of our patrons and all of our listeners and we've gotten lots of great Spotify comments We got our first mean comment It wasn't that mean but we got like 30 okay, not 30 but like 10 people being like standing up for us and I was like oh that was nice so it was it was just like who finds this stuff funny awesome it was the comment and I was like beats me and I gave a shrug emoji and a lot of

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