Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 327: Between You And Us

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

We're confident Jimmy Carter would've been a sand monster. Join our Patreon to watch us watch Noddy for some reason! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy We have merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I've got this condition where I don't feel pain. You're a superhero! If this is how intense Nova Kane sounds... Oh wow! Imagine how it looks. Samor? Yeah, big time. Nova Kane.

Forming theaters March 14th. With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. ["Sky's Got a Sky"]

Oh hi Gigi, he's here, he's here. The prince has arrived. My liege. What do you want him, what do you want Sandy to do? He would like you to please mail us lots of peanut butter. Oh okay. I'd do that. I'll do that for, oh shit. Right now. please mail us lots of peanut butter. Oh, okay. I'll do that for, oh shit. Right now. No.

Hello everybody. Hi everyone. We're here for the podcast, Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet. It's a podcast where we read reviews in the most dramatic fashion. We're siblings, I'm Christine. I'm Zandy.

Are you okay? Oh, I was stretching. It looks like you really got injured for a moment. I was yawning and stretching at the same time. Holy crap. Yeah. Anyway, hi, I'm Zandy. Okay.

Here's the thing. We are going to do an episode today. I was behind on the calendar that I'm supposed to do for patrons every month. I apologize. So we're going to do a Between You and Us today, which is where we read reviews that have been submitted over the many years by our listeners. But beforehand, we were thinking, oh, well, we've been working on new content for Patreon.

What should we do? And we did this whole brainstorming session, chat GPT was no help. And then we decided, oh, I know. Why don't we watch an episode of Naughty, Naughty's Toyland. Naughty's Toyland, please finish that. Not Naughty, exactly.

Don't say Naughty. And that's really good content for our OnlyFans. I mean, for our, no. Oh, dear God. I'm kidding, okay, for Patreon, Naughty's Toyland. And Ux that are silent for a moment, and he goes i found season one episode one so we're gonna watch 10 minutes and 42 seconds i saw the light

leave his eyes but we're gonna try commentating and watching that on patreon so if you want to um you can join me also 42 someone's gonna call me it's 10 minutes 28 seconds that's center nobody is gonna do that only your own mental illness I'm paranoid which has sort of become its own entity at this point so we're gonna do that afterward we're gonna film that afterward and then post it to patreon if anyone wants to join we also have plans to do spookly the square pumpkin viewing at some point probably like in a Halloween time frame so yeah we have a lot of fun stuff planned we just wanted to mention that before we forgot, but otherwise, we're kind of doing a free for all today. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

I'll start us off here with one from Bean Sheher. Bean sent in a review of Casio's Italian restaurant in Jasper, Alberta, Canada. Does Casio like a keyboard? With, but with two S's. Okay, okay, okay, because that my Casio like a keyboard? With two S's. Okay, okay, okay. Because that my first thought was a keyboard. Yeah, it's like a piano.

That's a normal- Dueling digital piano board, like bar. It's like a dueling digital piano. Dueling keyboard, yeah. Like keyboard, like the digital piano. Are you all right? No, I am not. You can just say Casio, okay?

Why did, okay. Casio. Go ahead. Here's a one star review with owner response. I am poorly satisfied with this place. First off the food was terrible. It tasted like a dog peed in my food and it was very dry. The staff were fine but my food was so gross I would not come back until they figure out how to make their food better. End of review. Okay, so first of all, it was too dry? Here's a response from owner. Your comments are unacceptable. If a dog peed in your food, it wouldn't be dry.

You didn't complain when you were asked if all was okay. Then don't complain after. Please go somewhere else. They deserve you. We really don't deserve you with your presence in our dining room. End of response. Oh my God.

First of all, I think we can all agree that's ridiculous. They have a point. The dog pissed all over your food. They have a point and it was also my point which is very validating. I'm glad you went there. It was clear you had the same conclusion. It was clear Cassio and I. Yeah dueling pianos. Dueling digital pianos of course. That's right and um wow yeah. I mean. Why did I say digital piano? Alexander it's something we're gonna have to talk about later while we watch Naughty's Toyland.

Okay, so this is from Maggie who wrote, long time listener of the podcast and about a billion re-listens, but today I finally came across a review of sorts that left me with more questions than I had answers. Now this is something different, Sandy, okay? Because we, I don't think we've

ever read... a review... what? None of that was a first. That was just being sarcastic. This I think is a first though I'm because I'm curious what the first part of it is so Maggie says while playing the New York Times game connections I often read through the comments forum for hints and usually a good laugh well this is what Debbie Dee had to offer me today a remembrance of sorts a teary

goodbye to America's sweetheart Which had I might add absolutely nothing to do with the game at hand But it did make me pause and ponder the duality of man and the fragile mortality of my own life may he rest In peanut heaven the fuck Jesus. Oh, is this about the planters peanut or planters baby is a player's baby dead anyway Debbie will Debbie will say- This is a first. I already know. Yes.

Right? Debbie will set you straight. So this is a comment on the New York Times Connections game forum. I enjoy reading y'all's comments almost as much as solving the puzzle. It's a sad day here in Columbus as we are mourning the passing of President Jimmy Carter.

Oh. We live. Oh. We live about 40 miles from Plains, Georgia and visit there often. We were there last to celebrate his 100th birthday. We didn't see him but as usual indulged in peanut butter ice cream and fried chicken on a stick. I have no doubt that he would have been a connections player and would... I have no doubt that he would have been a connections player and would... It's like a less offensive Justin Bieber saying Anne Frank would be a Belieber or that he hopes

he hopes Anne Frank would be a Belieber or something. This is a more presumptuous but less offensive thing to say, is what I would argue. More presumptuous but less offensive thing to say is what I would argue. More presumptuous? Well, it seems like Debbie has no doubts. And so that feels pretty presumptuous. I see. Justin left a little bit of-

At least the Biebs could pretend he hoped for it. Yeah, he understood that not everyone would be a Belieber. Exactly, given the chance. Debbie didn't feel that way. She says I have no doubt that Jimmy Carter would have been a connections player and would probably have always solved the purple category first at the end. I love that. It's so touching. It's like the tribute nobody ever needed that it really like worked, you know, yeah Debbie what a nice thought and it had 39 thumbs ups or like recommend

i'm also glad it had nothing to do with the clue because that would have been Unfortunate clue, especially since they do those in advance So yeah good point if they had to do with each other would have been kind of creepy I also like I just love the idea that you're just scrolling through and you're like wow What a place to put a memoriam, you know, like in the comments of the connections game that day Wow, it's a sad sad morning, but then we got some hope reading the comment section, you know That's like someone reading our Spotify comments and seeing a memorial to Jimmy Carter in there.

But it makes less sense. But just slightly less. I'd like to think that Jimmy Carter would listen to our episodes. Really? And that he would laugh. Because I actually have no doubt he would. Oh, wow. He would binge all of them at once.

Me neither. You know why? That's what killed him. What? He listened to one of our episodes. We I know about it. Me neither, you know why? That's what killed him. What? You listened to one of our episodes. He was like, I'm out. Hey, don't tell Debbie, it would break her heart. Yeah, she'd come after us. Okay, rest in peace, Jimmy Carter. I'm sorry. You seem chill.

Sorry he thought you were the planter's peanut baby for a minute. Jesus. I am not sorry about that. You know what? He probably you know what I'm confident. He would have taken that as a compliment. You're right You're right Okay, I have one here from flan fo and mo this is This is not I'm sorry, I just realized how relevant this is.

What? This is an Oval Office Gentleman's Club. That was not planned. It's literally just my next review. The episode produces itself, baby. That's ridiculous. That's right. How did that happen? Holy cow. The universe is on our side today, my friends.

And this is a one star review. Whew. The name is misleading. I was very much hoping they would be dressed as politicians, but no. Think about it. A lap dance from Nancy Pelosi? Take my money and the for me Oh, I thought we were gonna go at least like a younger Sarah Palin, but Nancy Pelosi

I mean, no, this is this was written by Call of Duty Lord one Okay, yeah, what is it was it written on January 5th It says two years ago. So. Interesting. Just trying to put the pieces together. Yeah. You're, you're, you're, you shouldn't try that. I shouldn't.

Wow. The Oval Office Gentleman's Club is an insane thing to name a place. It's in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Of course it is. I forgot to mention. That feels right. It does, doesn't it? It feels like the only place you could name something like that

and be like, well, it's obviously not anything to do with presidents. Well, I think it I mean, it's meant to evoke it, but I feel like it's. It feels both far away enough and close enough. That's right. You know, you that's exactly right. Like Alaska, you'd be like, come right. Exactly, that's exactly right. Like Alaska, you'd be like, come on. Like that's a stretch. All the way out here. Please.

Like it just doesn't feel, this can be relevant. Canada, it's like. Geographically, there has to be a little bit of a. Canada, it's like you wish, am I right? Wish you had what we've got going in our own. Jealous, okay. No, but they're in a bunch of square offices up there. Oh, that's sad.

A bunch of squares. I love Canada. I wanna go to Canada. I've been, but I wanna go again. Anyway. This is the kind of bonus material you could expect on a paid account on Patreon. You know what?

I think Jimmy Carter, I think he would have loved Canada. I think he would have loved our Patreon. You know what, I think Jimmy Carter, I think he would have loved Canada. I think he would have loved on Patreon. I think he would have been a $25,000 a month subscriber. Actually, I didn't know. Was that not him? Who is that then? Oh, I thought... If that wasn't Jimmy... I thought it was you. It must have been the baby planter's peanut. Oh my god, he got his inheritance His dad I thought you said he's dead maybe we were next of kin And that's why we got all that money from him

Yep, we were next of kin to the planter's baby. Why are we next after? Do you know it's mom or dad's love child with jimmy carter wow that's actually a really good question i'm trying to think i don't know i think moms probably moms yeah definitely moms definitely moms yeah and that's the compliment to our mother yeah yeah yeah and don't get it twisted. Don't get it twisted. Uh-uh. So this is from Erin Sheher.

No one's twisting these peanuts. That already happened when I had testicular torsion in middle school. Alexander, save it for the bonus, please. Oh, sorry. So this is, save it for the paywall, okay? Shave it for the paywall? So, no. Shave it for the Only Sam? Not only, shave it for the only Sam's paywall.

This is from Erin Sheher. It says, I was ordering food from this restaurant and saw this. The food was good. Okay. This is a three star review. Oh, I thought that was the review. Oh, no, no, no. That was just Erin's review.

And she said it was good, but this is a three star review. Oh no no no that was that was just Aaron's review and she said it was good but this is a three star review and and this is by Trevor. This is why I stopped ordering a couple of years back. Their food used to be the bomb. Then I decay if they changed cooks or owners but it went down and I stopped getting anything because of ignorant cashiers and cooks who can't cook. I wish I had taken a before pic but I certainly have an after. I got the two broil- wait a minute, does that mean after you ate it? I don't know. Yeah, what does that mean?

What's a before- okay. Oh, I see. A before pic when the food was good, he's saying. Oh. Versus what it is now, is what he's saying. I see, I see. Okay. I wish I had taken a before pic, but I certainly have an after. I got the two broiled crab cakes over pasta with fries and broccoli platter. Got here in 10 minutes, red flag, red flag emoji. Felt very heavy, good portions. Opened it up and two nice size barely broiled crab cakes over very dry unseasoned pasta,

very limp bland broccoli, and good seasoned fries if they crispy would have been great. Now when I ordered, I was rushed off the phone so I called back for a menu, cocktail, and tartar sauces. Cashier said no problem! Well guess what, just like the seasonings, food prep, and customer service, they were all missing as well. I had to chopped some garlic, get out the butter and my seasonings, and

combine the pasta with the broccoli, hoping they will both absorb some flavor together. Then I popped the two crab cakes sprinkled with my garlic powder, Old Bay, and cilantro flakes in the broiler until they looked like something. Also, thank God I had a bottle of the best cocktail sauce in the world called Kelchners, and I mixed it with their horseradish for a tangy dipping side for the pasta and cake cakes. For $30 including tip I should not have to season and recook the food I just purchased from you I feel like if they hadn't rushed it would have been so much better now I remember why I stopped ordering. BTW the fries are in the fridge I'm going to refry them and make crab

fries out of them tomorrow I have cans of crab meat, should have just made my own food like I wound up doing anyway. End of review. Yeah, I agree you should have. Oh my gosh. I was upsetting. I'm upset for them, but. I have cans of crab meat.

It's like they just realized. Cause all of a sudden it was like in capitals again and it was with a ton of, it was almost like, wait a minute, good news. Crab fries. I can make crab fries. Blah, I'm so sorry. That just sounds like to repurpose undercooked crab meat

from a restaurant into like something a few days later sounds maybe like my worst. The fries, the same, their fry? Like who's? So the fries that they got from the restaurant they're going to put in their own air fryer with going to turn them in I do really rather not talk about it and good luck yeah yeah good luck with that yeah why would they go in the front why I love that they're like they didn't give

me cocktail sauce anyway I have the best cocktail sauce in the world in my fridge. In the world. Kelchners are nothing. Oh my god. I have one here from Beth She They who sent an email saying that they've been on maternity leave and have been listening to the show a lot and especially love the Smut episode and so included a review from Goodreads of their own romance novel. What? Yeah.

And so here is a review of all the things I could have said by B.A. Roth. Oh, how exciting. A real live author in our midst. I'm serious. You're used to dead ones being around in your midst or something. I'm used to imaginary ones.

Here is a four star review. Stop with the fucking names, man. Stop adding names to random people I will never read about again it just gets in the way it's like they have such an emotional the moment that there's a name you could connect emotionally I like that they didn't even use the name of the author they didn't even like say which names were the problem yeah they didn't know they author they didn't even like say which they didn't even use the problem yeah they didn't know no they didn't even address the author by name in the review oh yeah yeah yeah yeah like just like do stop doing it man

names man man yeah I can't ascribe names you're right because then I suddenly become emotionally attached yeah and this person does not want to get emotionally attached to an author a real live author. Yeah, who would right? You'd have to be really weird to do that So this is from Kylie she her and it's kind of made it seem like blazes an author. Did he write something? Oh, I meant that I felt that way about B a Roth. Okay Because I got so excited that there was a real life offer. Oh, yeah, you did. Sorry. Yeah. This is from Kylie

Sheher. And it's it's called a review with a strange need to clarify. So this is a review of a local homestyle cafe. This is in Franklin, Tennessee. And I think that Kylie actually made a really good point here to that we could make a challenge out of this someday if you ever Need to have a challenge to find reviews where someone has a really weird need to clarify something which it's very vague but you'll see what I mean in a moment, this is a Five-star view and then I'm gonna read you like the updated review afterward

Sherry's is damn good every time I eat there with my biological sister, it's delicious. The catfish, hush puppy, mac and cheese, potatoes, and chopped steak is out of this world. The desserts are super and from what I hear, made by the owner, 5 stars every time. And now, actually, it's a previous review from about like 6 months earlier. My biological sister and I just love Sherry's. Sherry is such a lovely person and the word is always delish- delusious. The desserts are amazing too. End of review. Those were their only two reviews because I went looking to see if they brought up their biological sister every time. What is that about?

I have certainly no clue. Interesting. It feels like... Blaze was like, that makes me immediately think it's not your biological sister. Why else would you be insisting that so often? Like leaving a trail for like IRS purposes? I don't know even know what you would what this would accomplish But yeah, I don't know put something out there to put like some breadcrumbs in place like oh, I'm covering my tracks. This is my biological sister. to be confused with my adopted sister. I said it's his biological sister we're parking up the wrong tree his yelp they put it on the screen at court and they're like oh the everybody just goes order order

at court and they're like, oh, everybody just goes, order, order. Well, not everybody goes to order. I mean, everybody- No, they are because the judge is so out of order. He gets so out of order. That there's a little known law where if the judge gets out of order, it's called citizen's order.

And suddenly everybody else is allowed to be like the gavel, you know, to like, to like have a gavel. That's what happened when the misogynist judge asked you about women not being able to drive. Yeah. And I just started screaming order and they said, you're this isn't, there's no such thing as citizens gavel or whatever. I called it a minute ago. Here. We're talking about it again. So we're leaving a, a trail. We're leaving a breadcrumb trail

in our podcast. So now, future- With your bio- That's an earth. Say I'm your biological sister, please. Just a couple of times. We need to confirm. No, that's- It's so weird.

I'm not saying that. Isn't it? Yeah, well, it makes me think that they have someone else they consider their sister who's not a bi- But I just love- I'm sure it's a positive, I don't know. But why, if you had five sisters,

you could still be like, oh, my sister and I love it. Like, you don't need to like, specify who, I mean, maybe you do. Again, we don't know. Maybe you do need to. And I think that's why the mystery just like, really spoke to me. So. It feels, yeah, it feels like there's something here. Feels like there's something there. We're already chugging along in 2025, but I have been working a lot more intentionally about my finances and thank God I have Rocket Money.

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It's really kind of magical. Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across your accounts. You can create a personalized budget with custom categories so you can like see that little pie wheel of how much you've spent on each category. It's very, very satisfying and like very helpful to have. Yeah, and you can also set up different alerts to see if any of your bills increase in price, or if there's any unusual spending activity, or you can set your own budgets and it'll tell you if you're close to going over your budget. There's also the new goals feature which automatically saves money for you so you don't have to think about it. You can pay off credit card debt, put away money for a house, or just build your savings.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash beach. Rocketmoney.com slash beach. Sometimes I look at Leona and I think, wow, what a big girl. I'm just so proud of her. And then I'm like looking in the mirror going, I have gray hairs. Where did those come from?

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I asked where the rest of my family was seated and he was like, I don't know, I think there's a party or something in the back. It was almost as if he was holding a bowel movement in. He didn't budge, but he just stood there, shaking my head, lol. And so I went to find my party in the back by myself. Before I could find a seat and sit, a waitress asked what I wanted to drink and said, you will probably get the food bar, right? Just the way she acted, I felt like it was a little offensive, like she was labeling me out to be someone that couldn't afford a main dish or to order from menu,

but I went ahead and said, yes, I'll take bar. I had to ask for- Yes, I cannot afford the menu. Thanks for asking. I confirmed her suspicions. I had to ask for silverware. My drink was carbonated water, nasty. The food had looked like a first grader prepared it.

They called the law on my son the workers were telling the law that he was brandishing a weapon in parking lot LOL shaking my head just because it was on his side mind you I live in an open carry state meaning It's legal to carry come to find out apparently the guy at door the greeter was upset because my son is straight and declined him Only good thing was my family other than that shonies was horrible end of review uh they gave food a two service a two atmosphere a three it was the getting hit on really really upped the vibe yeah okay the idea that you were getting into such a state with a gun having to be even referenced in the parking lot the law the the the guy at the front you think you're gay like what is all this related I don't think any of it really feels like they're

trying to say like wow this place was such trash and the guy was just pissed off because he couldn't hit on my gay son or my straight son. I don't know. Is it, hey, you know what? Is it that or is he holding in a bowel movement? You can't be both. You can't be doing both because how flirty do you feel when you're holding in a bowel movement? You know? Also, why are you so, are you ever like that still? Like it's like, he didn't budge. If you're holding a bowel movement. He's't hold a bowel movement he didn't budge no who recently potty trained a toddler it's certainly not in my experience what happens okay okay yeah so good just checking yeah I love this is like so

long ago now but when you said where's my family? And I probably like I don't fucking know where your family is Where's my family? I Was like what an insane thing to ask somebody but then it sounded like they Part they pointed them in the right direction. I know then I was like wait Are they sitting with the right party or not? Like they just said oh some random party and then they asked me if I wanted a buffet Where's my family? I don't know there's a party in the back Not like they just said oh some random party and then they asked me if I wanted a buffet What's happening I don't know but I liked it I thought it was it was felt like a

Full story, you know, I was wrong along for the ride and I imagine you I imagine you can't bring a gun into Shonien. Like, I don't know, can you? Like, even if you're in an open carry state, don't they have like specific rules where they can say no firearms allowed? Accidentally, I don't know. But they said they were in the parking lot. Not that that means anything, but maybe that was their effort to explain why he was allowed to have it. I don't know. maybe that was their effort to explain why he was allowed to have it. I don't know. This is a review sent in by Amanda Sheher. It's a one-star review from the Hellman's mayonnaise website. I think is this another first? I feel like we've had like Heinz or like we've stofers. Stofers. I feel like we've been on some random websites. I don't know if we've been on some random websites, but I don't know if we've been on Helmets. I've been on a few for like various food items and but not Helmets I don't think so this

is a one star view. The title is bad my car had to suffer. Oh no mayonnaise and car and suffering. No it was rotten and I found a pigeon feather in it. Now my cat is dead. Bethany, stop it. I'm writing a review for the cat death from the mayo. Now I had to buy a new cat.

No, I do not recommend this product. End of review. What the fuck? It's just a beautiful piece of theater. Like I know it's obviously fake. Beautiful is something. But like the idea of like, now my cat is, Bethany, I'm writing about the dead cat and the mayonnaise thing.

Like it's like that I felt like as an actor, it was like such a, such a good exercise for me. Like, oh, I'm going to pretend to be talking to you, but actually didn't talk to someone else off screen. Yeah. So I thought it was really well done. There's even a picture of a packet of mayonnaise. So they literally included a photo in their review. So yeah, that means it's real. That means it's real. That actually, yeah. Lends credence. Yeah. Yeah. I have a review from Brad. This is the Bay House in Glenedon,

something beach, Oregon. It just be giving zip codes. That's easier to pronounce, you know, it is easier pronounce. Yes, this is a so let me start over. This is a review sent in by Brad of the Bay House in 97388. I was like, wait, what? Oh, right. And this is all give coordinates. No, that actually feels really threatening somehow it does feel did you see that tick-tock that was well there's probably a bunch of them about like using military time it's like bitch

you're not going to war like sit down turn your phone off military times like anyway this one will involve a picture after I read it. So if you could prepare my notes. Okay. This is a three-star review. Awesome place, food tastes below expectations. Weird design on my plate. Look like a, dot, dot, dot. Seems like an awful joke from the chef.

End of review. What? Oh. There is an owner response. Okay. I'm gonna read the owner response and I want you to guess what you think is happening with the photo. Oh, before I look? Yeah. Okay. Here's what the owner has to say. Thanks for visiting the Bay House. I don't know what your expectations were regarding food taste, and from a three sentence review none of us ever will. Regarding the presentation on your plate, well, that's art. Not everyone sees art the same way, but rest assured, there was no awful joke about it.

Just like any other art form, not everyone gets it the same way. Cheers. End of response. What do you think is on this? Like what? A penis and balls. Please scroll down to the first review that includes a picture. Oh Huge dick It is oh god a center it's even like dripping liquid everywhere. This is horrible. It's pretty rough. Woof, it looks like a literal dick and balls. Sorry, everybody. I'm sorry. The owner saying like-

It's art? I feel like the- They're saying it's supposed to look like a penis, but it's the beauty of human form. My thinking is the chef was making a joke, and then the owner was like, chef, were you making a joke? And the chef was like, no, what? I was just making art or something.

You're right, you're right. And the owner was standing thought. There's no way that doesn't look like a penis, sorry. Yeah. I mean, the placement is the, you wanna describe it a little bit more? No, thanks for asking. We'll post this, I'm sure, but describe it anyway.

Okay, I love that it also has three prayer heart hand, three prayer hands and heart emojis, like people were really moved by this. Yes. So on the left-hand side of this plate, it's a rectangular plate and it's like kind of in a diamond shape in front of us. We see on the left a pile of what looks to be a, what is that?

Shoe? Is that called? No. What's it called? I have no idea. Rue? No, that's different. It's basically that thing where it's like chopped up carrots and potatoes and things.

You can just say that. Okay and it's it looks kind of like a little pile like a little bush if you will of all of these things and then you kind of follow what looks to be a big shaft shaped streak of sauce across the diagonal plate to the other point where two robust scallops sit very prominently. And then from that little enclave there, we see a stream of yellow liquid gracing the side of the plate. Yeah.

Does that feel right? It does. Which way do you see the penis facing? I don't know actually. Isn't it confusing? Yeah, I'm starting to get confused. Because both sides are kind of, like one side has the two scallops,

so it's like two balls. It feels like the balls, maybe it's a very- But then the other side is so bulbous. Well, here's the thing. I think maybe that's the bush, right? Cause then this is the shaft, but I think then the balls are like really, like they're it's somebody old and so they're just they had hung down

So far that they kind of got overlapped Wow, you know what I mean No, like maybe they're just hanging down that is two balls at the end of shafts like attached to the end Yeah, but maybe we just don't see like where they're kind of Drooping from yeah, you know what? Well, let let let's let everyone else decide. It's fucking art Will you relax? I can interpret it however the way that we're even debating it and it's and it's form and it's function It's a penis like there's I'm sorry it like the way that I thought it was gonna be like you had to turn your head No, it looks like a large penis the end

But if you turn your head if you especially if you look at the asparagus that are pointed there's also two very weirdly Particularly placed asparagus. It is very it's I don't know what that's about it's confusing enough where the chef could be like no, I didn't have any intentions, but It's just vague enough. Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's like, you'll know when you see it. OK, so the next slash last sort of saga I have, which I would really argue is more of a beginning than an ending.

And yes, you should be threatened by that. This is from Carrie She Hurt, but it's also from Jacob Elizabeth. I didn't realize how many people had sent this in until I searched for it in the inbox and I realized that it had gone viral and a bunch of people sent it. But I'm new to Verna S. Okay. Do you know about verna s hmm sounds familiar, but I'll see yeah, that's how I felt so Here's the tweet that a lot of people Directed us to and this this went viral in like 2021 or something. So we're I'm very late I think or maybe it was later, but either way the tweet is called So the tweet is by at curledge and it says about five years ago

I found 65 Yelp reviews by an older woman in Texas chronicling her marriage divorce rebound Breakup health issues job insecurity and turn to Buddhism every review is 400 words and every paragraph ends with LOL I think it's a work of literature and so this went viral and yes it was 2021 and i was delighted because i went in there and dug through it and thought oh my god what a treasure trove oh amazing yeah i don't think i remember that i think i remember people sending it in yes and i didn't ever check it just was a lot happening at once I feel like we were like well, we'll get to it eventually and then we forgot in 2021. Oh, yeah That was a weird year, huh? What's it? Okay, thanks, though. I don't remember it too much. I don't either thank God

Okay, so this is a review of a pool hall cocktail bar called Lala in Austin, Texas And I just want to also say most of these reviews were from 2016 and 2017, but I'll tell you, you know, they're in, you'll see, they're in an order. But here's one from 2016, January, January 7th. Five stars, and this is just to give you an idea of Verna's like whole deal. I rang in the 2016 new year at Lalo's and had one of the best nights of my life.

I enjoyed Lalo's new drink menu, and the decor seemed spruced up a bit. The fact that I had a little extra money in my wallet to buy the new drinks made it all the better. LOL. The past couple years have not been the easiest for me. I've experienced the breakup of yet another relationship, job instability, depression, a bad reaction to Paxil, a DUI arrest followed by a suspended driver's license, chronic online dating, unsafe casual sex with a few STD scares, a totaled car, IRS problems and the list goes on and on. LOL. But finally I feel like I'm

back on track, the same way Lalas has sort of cleaned up its act with the new drink menu, more beer choices, and new decor. I've also cleaned up my act. I got a new car, a 2014 Nissan Altima sedan, a new place, and a new healthy relationship. I moved in with my partner slash soulmate just two weeks after meeting one another. I'd been renting a room in South Austin from a nanny and masseuse. Sure, I had my own bathroom, but it didn't feel like my place. Then I met someone who not only laughed at my jokes and sang karaoke with me, but also had a part-time job, living room and bedroom furniture, and a Dyson vacuum cleaner. I never thought I'd meet someone with so much going for them that would also be interested in signing a lease with me.

LOL. As luck would have it, we found a place not far from Lala's. By the way, she's really good at bringing it back. Like the storytelling, she weaves a tale that goes right back to Lala's. This is literature. This is literature. Yeah, it is. It is. As luck would have it, we found a place not far from Lala's. I am happy to be able to call Lala's my neighborhood bar.

I don't get to go as often as I'd like as I'm working hard further my new blossoming career, but any downtime I can manage Lala's is where I like to spend it. LOL. You see in 2015 I lost a job, but I finally found my career. It's been 20 years in the making, but I am proud to say I now work full-time as a driver for Uber slash Lyft. Honestly last summer it was touch and go if they would hire me due to my DUI background. Fortunately, my license got reinstated and my hire date was before all this hubbub began about heightened background checks lol. By

chance Travis County has my last name spelled wrong, so as far as my employers know my driving record is clean. My hope is I'm grandfathered in if they do end up initiating a fingerprint background check. It feels good so late in life to finally have a career, something I know I'm good at. Ride Chair's my calling. I've been driving cars for almost 30 years now. I love to take care of people and you can be certain when you ride with me I make sure you are taken care of. I provide funny jokes, bottled water, and good tunes. My rating for both Lyft and Uber has never gone below 4.8. It would be a shame if a couple DUIs took that away from me.

LOL. New Year's 2015. Ben, stop talking about them. And also, I didn't know there were a couple. I didn't either. That was news to me as well. Until that moment. She's really good at breaking a story gently. Like you don't realize until the end, like, wait a minute. I've absorbed a lot in the last couple of minutes. Oh yeah, and it's interesting and I'm invested.

Yeah. Painfully invested. Painfully. This is the last paragraph, cause then don't worry, I'll release you from this for now. No, I have questions is all. Okay, good, yeah. Let me read the last paragraph then we'll get to question this for now. But let me read. No, I have questions is all. Okay, good, yeah. Let me read the last paragraph

then we'll get to question and answer section. Perfect. New Year's 2015, if someone had told me that New Year's 2016, I'd be at Lala's with a new career, a new-ish car, and a new soulmate dancing to the best jukebox in town, I wouldn't have believed it. My life is definitely on the up and up.

I'm thinking about getting my improv gang back together Rest assured if I do lalas will be our post performance bar end of review Wow And that was just when I picked like out of random. I think she has how many was it 60? 60 something. That's what I'm curious about are the reviews all The similar information or is it completely new information every time? So you do get most of the same themes. So a lot of ride share talk and I don't know if you heard in the email or I'm sorry in the original text job insecurity. Like okay so let's just say her newfound career hits an abrupt end and it's not because of the DUIs. Let me see if it ends up coming in this next. Yeah, so actually Alexander,

I'd rather not spoil season two for you, or episode two. When are we getting to episode two? After your next review. Oh okay. Don't worry. I have one more. You'll have answers. Oh good. I only have one more.

Good. Okay, really? That's good. Good. Okay, really? That's good. Yeah. Okay. Cause then I have my big ending here. Oh, you have one more? And oh.

Yeah. Oh, it's just the one. Oh, I'm sorry. I do have one, but then I also have, if we need more, there are literally 63 and they're all excellent. So. Don't worry. It sounds like we should do a separate episode of those.

I think that has to be its own like very curated situation. Yes, yeah, agreed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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Sent in a review of one journo Gelateria, D'Italia, 1972. Okay, is that in Italy? Or is that in Green Bay, Wisconsin? Um, no. Or is that in Green Bay, Wisconsin? This one is in Jersey City, New Jersey. I was close. You were close. It's actually right in the middle.

But you'll get some info. Okay. Don't worry. This is three stars, this review. And then there's an owner response. They have a lot of flavors with cutesy and silly names, but no explanations of what the flavors actually are. And the staff are unable to help.

A note of the main ingredients of the flavors, parentheses such chocolate or hazelnut, is really needed. So they're saying like they have cutesy and silly names, but no indicators of it being like chocolate or hazelnut. Oh, gotcha. So it'll be like Nadoddy's Toyland flavor. And it's like, well, yeah, according to them. So here is the response from from Buongiorno Gelateria

D'Italia, 1972, Jersey, New Jersey. Hi. Our first shop in Bologna, Italy, has been in operation since 1972. And you are the first customer to have problems with gelato names since then. Moreover, despite the fact that the products are written in both Italian and English, I wish you had also added a photo of the gelato you bought so we could have seen and given an idea

about which products you didn't understand. When you look at the products, you can immediately understand whether they are fruit, hazelnut, pistachio, sorbet, et cetera. Also, since the content of the product is a recipe that's about 55 years old, if you want to learn more going to the Gelato University in Bologna, maybe the fastest way to learn. Thank you! And the first part. You want me to put in a good word? I know the headmistress. I forget exactly what Abby said, it was something along the lines of like, I don't think that

going to Gelato University in Bologna is the fastest way to learn about Gelato. I mean, what the fuck do you know? Yeah, Abby, where's your degree from Gelato University? What the fuck do you know? I'd like to see some credentials, please, because it sounds like this place is up to snuff okay and I really beg of you to not mock did they see like stracciatelle and we're like what the fuck is that which I still I don't still don't know and everybody just says chocolate chip I go that can't be right that doesn't make sense it just

doesn't fit oh yeah but also and don't try to tell me what's Drachi. The more people tell me what it is, the less I understand. It's the same paradox with Jude Law. It's like the more you try to force me to understand it, the more confusing it gets. Yeah. Or they sell like marzipan. We're like, I don't know what that is. And well, yeah.

Marzipan is gross. So stay away from it. And to be fair, there is no way to find out unless you do get a college degree. Yeah from gelato from marzipan university in Vienna or something. Where would that be? I'm sure there would be a big big battle over who who who? Who gets that? Who gets to claim that? Who's the battle between?

Austria and Germany at least that's what mom has led me to believe I was gonna say like it's probably not it's probably like Hungarian and yeah something and right that's the thing is that Germany should be like battling it out and then Hungary will be like Wait, what the fuck has nothing to do with you? Isn't it marzipan like Italian? Okay, oh Some stuff. Oh There's sources that say that it's originated in China. This is taking forever. Can you just go to... But the earliest references come from Italy and Spain in the 16th century.

This is taking so long. I'd like you to go to the university, please. It'll be a lot faster. Oh, yeah, true. Okay. Bye. Bye. Okay, this is the last thing I have for you. It is of the Poor House Pub, P-O-U-R, Poor House Pub. And this is another review by Verna. And I'm just excited because it's July now of 2017. So the first one was January 2016. You know why I think I was drawn to this? It reminds me a lot of the Alaska, you know,

it's like, oh, you get a feel for like the real. And I genuinely thought these were fake at first because I thought like, who would include- It feels like a writing exercise a little bit. Yeah, like who would include all this? And then I was like going through all 65 and I went, oh, this is really, this is fully real because there are photos of all these people and this stuff, like, she is really, this is fully real because there are photos of all these people

and this stuff, like, she's real, she's real. Interesting, cool. I think, I hope, I don't know. Or someone went through. Or it's an incredibly. It's like a social experiment. You say something like above my pay grade to figure out. Yes, exactly, there you go.

Five stars, and this is from, this is like about a year grade to figure out. Yes, exactly. There you go. Five stars and this is from, this is like about a year and seven months later. But also by Verna, five stars of Poor House Pub in Austin, Texas. This place is da bomb. It's got tons of local beers on draft and a nice bright atmosphere, LOL. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine from about 15 years ago

contacted me out of the blue wanting to meet up. I've been a bit down in the dumps as of late so I tried putting him off, but finally decided it was better to just get it over with. LOL. I suggested we meet for a couple of beers but wanted to make sure to go to a place with a full bar as well. If my memory served me right, this guy has a tendency to like to mansplain, and booze helps numb the mansplain pain. LOL. I was delighted to see so many beers on draft

and a nice selection of snacks on the menu. The location is easy to find with plenty of parking in the garage. Now my friend had some issues getting there, but he's a bit on the older side and doesn't have the easiest time getting around. He claimed his Google Maps gave him wrong directions, but I noticed his flip phone,

so question if he was actually using Google Maps. LOL. My old pal ordered some quesadillas, gobbled them down quickly, and started in lecturing me on the importance of understanding the Trump voters. Once he felt he had sufficiently schooled me on the need to understand Trump's base and the hardships they face. He then explained how the blame for Trump being president lies solely on Hillary and Obama. LOL. I downed my beer as quickly as possible, grabbed the drink menu, hoping to order something that would help drown out his voice telling me how Bernie could have won. I went with a double jalapeno margarita, light on the jalapeno, heavy on the tequila, and an extra shot of Patron. The waitress was very understanding and quick to get the new drinks to me. LOL. As the numbing effects of the tequila sit in, I was able to successfully steer the conversation

away from him explaining the 2016 election to me. We had 15 years to catch up on, so he started detailing the health and relationship struggles he has dealt with. Poor guy sounded like he's been through the wringer. His face beamed with pride as he told me that after 15 years he has finally landed on his feet and recently moved into a nice assisted living facility in South Austin. He seems to really be enjoying his new lifestyle lol. It just makes every line sound like a punch line. I don't really know.

It's so good. He assured me that these places are not like retirement homes of the past. Wednesday nights are movie nights, Friday night salsa, and Sundays game of thrones in the theater room. It sounded like he has a very active social life there in his new community. He bragged a bit about how many friends he has in Austin. It made me happy for him. I considered warning him of an article I recently read about the rise of STDs among seniors, but decided I didn't want to spoil his fun. LOL.

Look, if I'm honest with myself, which I don't like to be, but I guess a part of me felt a bit envious of the way he has fought through the many, many, many hardships in his life and come out on the other side. The past 15 years haven't exactly been a cakewalk for me either. LOL. I've struggled with my career, my alcoholism, my cigarette smoking, not to mention failed relationship after failed relationship. The past year really threw me for a loop, with Lyft and Uber leaving the Austin market permanently. The truth is, it just about pushed me over the ledge.

I went from feeling happy and secure in my decision to go full-time as a rideshare driver, I had finally found a career that clicked with me. Then the GD politics of this stupid town ripped away my happiness. I sunk into a depression. Sure, I tried other odd jobs, working for Instacart, Favour, TaskRabbit, etc., but nothing felt as good and rewarding as setting my own schedule, picking up a stranger, and taking them to their destination. LOL. After meeting up with a friend at the poorhouse and seeing how he's gotten to the other side of that 15 year mountain climb, I felt pretty inspired. There might just be a chance for me to get to the other side too.

After all, Lyft Uber returned to the Austin market at the end of May. Thanks Greg Abbott. LOL. The only complaint I have with this place is that dogs are not allowed on the patio. I don't get that at all LOL end of review Wow, I forgot we were reviewing a place Until that last sentence Yeah, I don't know why yeah, I don't know a lot less weaving I mean, I guess the conversation took place at this place, you know with the friend It was sort of like they've got plenty of booze if you need to drown out the person you're talking to yeah And they don't allow dogs on the patio

Yeah, which is a bummer cuz I know that's also a nice distraction but and then a novel in between Yeah, so I just you know It feels like and and the fact that it's fully on real like there was really a real person writing all this This were just a writing exercise like I would have been like, okay, it's well done. But it's just something very poignant about actually following somebody's journal updates. Yeah. Yeah.

In the context of their Yelp reviews, I don't know. It's like live journaling through Yelp reviews. Yeah, I feel like I know a little secret part, like her multiple DUIs that she's publicly posting about and hoping that they don't realize the typo that was made on her forms. It's like, it's like Fox, but Fox sprinkles and this person dumps. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And so and Fox has of course, so many other creative parts of his reviews. Because these are almost like an inundation of her life's...

Can I read one last one? It's short. That's fine. Okay, so I'll do this last one just to give you the final little... Just a little trilogy. I thought we had to... I like that. I like that. End on this. Okay. So this is a review of the McDonald Observatory. Now, I want to apologize. this is a rewind in time.

So this is back to the rideshare days. Oh, okay. It's March 2016, so it's only two months after that. New Year's at Lala's. So it's a five-star review of the observatory in Fort Davis, Texas. Like MLK said, only in darkness can you see the stars. I absolutely love this place.

My life has been full of failure, heartache, confusion, and hardship after hardship since about 2009. But last week at the observatory, looking up and seeing the stars made me appreciate all the pain I've endured. LOL. No. It like takes me out of it.

And by the way, it's capitals every time. Like L-O-L. That is not how I've been picturing it. That makes it so much more something. It's worse. It's capitals every time, often with an exclamation point. Oh my gosh. I feel confident things are on the up and up for me.

Heck, if you'd told me last year I would have a successful career as a rideshare driver. Okay, see, this is when it gets a little sad. If you told me last year I would have a successful career as a ride-share driver for both Uber and Lyft, I wouldn't have believed it. Being out here seeing all the constellations, I just knew things are only going to keep getting better and better for me. LOL. Go to the star party and book in advance. I loved all the Greek mythology part of it too. There's so much to be learned during my visit here. It hit me that my dark times from 2009 to 2015 served a purpose

They got me to where I am now LOL There's a great gift shop here, too I got some of those really cool glow-in-the-dark stars to put up above my bed to remind me to keep reaching for the stars LOL and oh my god, there's so it's like an lol Yeah, every five seconds. And I want to also add, like last thing real quick is that, just so you know, she also has a collection on Yelp.

You can have like a little collection where you have, and she has one called Best Places to Meditate. And I thought it was a joke because the first one is Sonic Drive-In and the image is of a Bucky's, but she really means it. Like she goes to the Sonic Happy Hour every day or went there during her ride share days, went to the Sonic Happy Hour every day and was like, I would just sit there with my little drink and like meditate. I was like, she's not kidding. She really made a meditation list with like three parks,

a coffee house, a gas station, a sonic. I mean, it's amazing. Helpful. Yeah. That's awesome. I love it. I just think Verna is like really a gift. So.

It's fascinating. I'm loving all this. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that's all. Wow. I didn't realize it ended the review. Oh, it ended. Yeah. I didn't realize it ended, the review. Oh, it ended, yeah.

I was so, I was waiting for more. Oh, well, she's gonna reach for the stars, oh well. Oh good. Don't worry. It was very cute. Yeah, it was. She's a sweet lady. I hope she's doing well.

Me too. Normally we'd play a voicemail from our voicemail box that our Patreons have access to. But this week, because we're doing something a little different, I thought it would be fun to mix things up. And we actually, time-wise, worked out perfectly. Just heard from Trevin at Live, Laugh, Larceny.

And he was like, hey, I have these clips of both you and Zandy, like mixed and mastered and ready to go, telling a story that we told on their podcast, which was basically us dramatically retelling a crime from our own lives that we committed, I'm pretty sure. And I'll be honest. It feels so long ago.

I barely remember mine. I'm like nervous about it. And Alexander was like two years before me. So who knows? I remember mine, but I don't remember recording it or what it said. I'm very excited. He sent those in, so I thought maybe we could do a listen of that instead of a traditional voicemail this week. So here's the finale. It's our guest appearances, relatively speaking, on Live, Laugh, Larseny are sharing our true

crimes from our own lives dramatically. Enjoy. As the resident weirdo of her Catholic elementary school, Christine Schieffer's blank brown-eyed stare and German accent made her more of an observer than an active participant of her first grade class. Until one crisp autumn day when Christine decided to unleash her inner Rebellion. That's German for rebel. While her classmates frolicked on the playground she used her suddenly convenient solitary status to sneak around the brick building and enter the classroom using a back door. It was then that she spotted her intended target, the school coat room. This cozy nook adorned with multicolored lockers

and creepy murals that no one in their right mind would have considered cute was usually reserved for the mundane task of storing backpacks and winter wear, but not today. With a glint in her eye and mischief on her mind, Christine began her clandestine mission. She tore through the coat room like a tornado in a sweater factory,

deftly grabbing coats and backpacks and switching them from one hook to another, leaving a confusing mess of mismatched nametags. As the clock ticked loudly above, Christine knew she was running low on time. But she wasn't content with mere chaos. No, she had grander plans. As her classmates' belongings lay scattered like fallen leaves and their backpacks now hung under other kids' names, Christine zeroed in on Alyssa Evans' backpack. Alyssa, who had unknowingly become Christine's enemy number one. It all began the day Alyssa had announced to the class that she was older and taller than the rest of them. It all ended that day too.

That bitch! She thinks she's so special, Christine thought to herself as she grabbed Alyssa's backpack and hauled it into the girl's bathroom. Upon crossing the threshold, she stopped and shook her head. No, this wouldn't do. In one swift movement, Christine spun around, pushed the door to the boy's bathroom open and tossed Alyssa's backpack straight into the trash. Time to take out the garbage.

Where it landed with a dull thud amidst discarded apple cores and crumpled worksheets. Her work here was done. Christine snuck back to recess and played in the mulch for the next 10 minutes, awaiting the eruption of chaos she knew would soon ensue. As expected, all hell, or as they said, H-E double hockey sticks, this was Catholic school, broke loose. Tears streamed down students' faces as they frantically searched for their missing belongings. But for Alyssa, this was personal. She cried as she checked the clock and realized she had missed her bus and her backpack was

nowhere to be found. Now she would miss her dance recital. Serves her right, Christine thought, with as much malice as any six-year-old could muster. Christine side-eyed the head teacher, Mrs. Stratton, as she tried to calm the crowd of milling kids. It's at this point that most kids would have gotten caught, but not Christine. Christine was not most kids. No, she was the weird German girl and a true crime podcaster in the making. With full confidence, Christine walked up to her

own hook and forced tears to well in her eyes. As Mrs. Stratton approached, Christine pointed at her hook. Someone else's backpack hung there. And just like that, in the eyes of her classmates and teachers, Christine became just another victim. The following day, the entire grade was herded into an assembly where the principal issued out a stern talking to.

"'We know who did this,' she announced. A silence fell over the usually bubbly group of kids. Christine's heart skipped a beat, but she knew better. They'd never suspect her. H.E. double hockey sticks? They didn't even know she spoke English.' Her instincts proved right. All the kids were told to close their eyes.

"'If you raise your hand and tell us you did it, you won't be punished, the principal announced. How stupid do they think I am, she thought. She dutifully closed her eyes and waited, hands firmly placed on her crisscross applesauce legs. After two painfully long minutes, the principal sighed. All right, let's just get on with the school day. Against all odds, she'd done it, and she'd gotten away with it, too.

After this, Christine pulled no more shenanigans. She upheld her status as a straight-A student and shy wallflower. It wasn't until more than a decade later, as she and her best friend, Alyssa Evans, sat side by side recounting memories of elementary school that Alyssa brushed a subject Christine hadn't thought of in years.

Hey, remember that time someone in first grade attacked our coat room? That was crazy, Alyssa brushed a subject Christine hadn't thought of in years. Hey, remember that time someone in first grade attacked our coat room? That was crazy, Alyssa said. And they put my coat in the trash can of the boys' room. Sounds like you deserved it, Christine said without thinking. It was you? And that is the end of my tale. Webster's Dictionary defines cybercrime as criminal activity committed using a computer to illegally access, transmit, or manipulate data.

The FBI works hard to bring cybercriminals to justice. These criminals compromise U.S. networks, steal financial and intellectual property, and put critical infrastructure at risk. And our focus today is on one such criminal, whose purported crimes have thus far gone unpunished. For legal reasons, we'll refer to our criminal using a fake name, Stanley Isadore. But don't be fooled, there is nothing fake about the crimes that were committed. To try to understand his crimes, we must first take a deep look into Stanley's relationship with computers and the World Wide Web.

After all, the road to cybercrime starts with a single click. In eight-year-old Stanley's case, it was a click of the search button as he looked for a game a classmate told him about. The game was called Penn Island. But as it turns out there was no game called Penn Island. Stanley's clever classmate had tricked him into searching for Penis Land, a site dedicated to pictures and animations of penises. Stanley's cursor, now a penis, made its way to the X to close the browser window. To his horror, the window wouldn't close.

There was but one thing left for him to do. He cried out, Mom, a dancing penis! And thankfully, his mother was able to close the window. But not before Stanley was changed forever. His eyes were now open to the sheer power that the internet possessed, and thus he was faced with a choice. He could harness the power of the internet to bring positivity and joy to his community. Or he could join the likes of his clever classmate and wreak havoc on those who dared cross his path.

More specifically, the path outside Lumbridge Castle in the massive multiplayer online role-playing game RuneScape. This is where, now age 12, Stanley began his crime spree. RuneScape is a world of mythical creatures, pirates, bandits, and horny middle schoolers. And Stanley took full advantage, changing his in-game character model to a female, not put off by his username, Cowdiper. Boys would flock to him and beg him to be their girlfriend. But Cowdiper's companionship came with a cost. While his clever classmate was content

just making someone look at some penises, Stanley craved more. He craved wealth and power, acting as a sort of sugar baby for multiple male players throughout the game. And despite not being a baby, he gained a lot of sugar. Not only did he amass a vast fortune, he even managed to gain access to numerous accounts

simply by asking his boyfriends for their passwords. It should be noted that not all of Stanley's victims were so easily seduced. Stanley used a series of in-game emotes to make his character perform a sort of mating ritual. He would use the dance emote. Then the goblin salute, which he was quoted as saying, has the perfect amount of thrusting. Once he had access to their accounts, he'd trade their items to himself and sell them for in-game currency. One victim, user Reds Underscore Rule 1, claims that he lost 1.2 billion worth of party hats,

but did not elaborate on what party hats were or why they were worth so much. Another user, Pius Pike, says he was one of hundreds of victims. In an attempt to verify this claim, we reached out to the cyber crimes division of the FBI for comment, and they claim to have never heard of Cowdiper or his crimes and asked us to not bother them further.

Is this some kind of joke? Is the FBI covering for him because the case remains open? Or perhaps they had a hand in his crimes? We might never know how deep this goes or who all might be involved. But what we do know is that Cowdiper's reign of terror has ended. His account was banned less than a month after its creation. But unfortunately his IP was never banned, so Stanley could still be out there, fighting new ways to scam people.

Some claim Red's Rule 1 and Pi's Pike were alternate accounts Stanley created to add to his notoriety. Others say he's made an appearance on the MTV show Catfish. And some still insist that Stanley was never Cowdiper to begin with, that in fact, Cowdiper was a woman. However, these people are all people that were scammed and insist that they had a girlfriend and that virtual girlfriends quote, still count. But based on the way that his crimes escalated, we can most likely assume that he is leading a crime

syndicate or he has gone into politics. We deserve the right to more party hats. To those of you who haven't played RuneScape or simply find these crimes unimportant, I'd like to leave you with the wise words of Benjamin Franklin. until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.