Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 33: Bars in Columbus, OH

Episode Date: July 10, 2019

In this week's episode we visit bars in Columbus to perfect our espionage techniques. It turns out, Christine is not a master criminal. Flip on your DB Cooper Baby Monitor and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, rodeoclash, ddmyzik, and tyops.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Boy, howdy. We are here for the show. That's my line. Oh, sorry.

And we're not even dealing with Southern Charm this week. No, we're dealing with Southern Charm most weeks. We're just dealing it out. We're wheeling and dealing. Wheeling and dealing. What's up? Nothing much. How are you? Welcome to Beach, You See Any Water Too Wet, the podcast full of Southern charm,

where we read the worst reviews that the internet has to offer in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. And I'm Alex. And we are very charming. And we are here to charm you and seduce you. With our German charm. And we are here to charm you and seduce you. With our German charm.

Speaking of charm, there's a charming reviewer that I'd like to mention. Oh. Because they won this week's Beach To Sandy iTunes review contest. Yay! Let me find it. Okay, so basically, I mean, you guys probably just heard the promo, if you're listening to this when it comes out. But we are doing a giveaway. If you leave us a review, it super duper helps us. And if you leave your Twitter handle on your review on iTunes, then we will pick a winner each week to win something from our merch store.

So who is this week's winner? This week's winner is a mess of letters. And I don't think they mean anything. Okay. Okay okay let me rephrase that they mean nothing to me okay okay um the first two letters are jc though jc sin jesus christ sin i got it christ sin the catholic in me is picking up on this quick professional golf i'm really quick on my feet yeah Yeah, very. You're very good. This review is titled Outstanding. And this is what they had to say.

I went out for my birthday lunch recently, and the restaurant staff carried out a live mouse in a beer pitcher and proceeded to fumigate it next to the patio where I was sitting. Absolutely not. I know, right? Absolutely not. Foul. Don't steal my line.

You stole boy howdy, I'll steal foul. Did this ruin my birthday? It did not. Yay! Instead, I imagined Alex and Christine reading my review of this restaurant in dramatic voices. And it fixed everything and I was happy once again. Listen to this podcast and all of your problems will be fixed too. That is precious. And if your problem is that there's a mouse and a beer pitcher i don't fault you for leaving a one

star review that's that's one of those where it's like there are some legitimate reasons to leave negative reviews and i would not fault you if your birthday review were less than five stars but happy birthday yes but happy birthday jesus christ but happy birthday. Jesus Christ Golf Pro. Jesus Christ Golf Pro. Awesome. So we will DM you on Twitter and get you your gift. And before we start on our theme, I heard you had something else. Hold on.

I'm searching this person for the first time on Twitter. Uh-huh. And nothing's coming up. Oh, they let, oh no. Are you sure you're spelling it right? J- s-i-n-p-g-h okay well well jc you spelled your well if you hear this dm us if you hear this please dm us and we'll get you your gift otherwise we'll uh go back to the drawing board i guess i guess so um i hear there's something

else you wanted to mention there is it's something that aubrey sent us what it's um an article oh i thought you meant like mailed us no no no it's an article like how did aubrey get my address come on aubrey aubrey it's too much you little stalker rooney oh okay anyway um it was on twitter and it was an article from the charleston city paper charleston south carolina okay and this is the headline on tuesday the river dogs which is um the single a affiliate to the yankees in charleston is that minor league baseball yes it is minor league baseball love it on tuesday the river dogs hold a night in honor of Helen McGuckin, author of a two-star Google review. Stop it. Yep.

What? So it says, tomorrow's Helen McGuckin night at the Riverdogs. Who is Helen McGuckin and why does she get her own night at the Riverdogs? So they received, the Riverdogs, received a two-star google review from helen that read quote just drove by two out of five stars and that was it helen so have you learned nothing i know right so this launched a campaign stop it to like win her back it says and so far they haven't found her helen and where are you so instead now they're hosting a theme night to try to win her back can you imagine she just finds out in six months that they've been hosting like theme night

literally it's like july 9th so if you're listening to this this was last night um that's and they tweeted and they like they have made a flyer and it includes like a screenshot of her review that just says just drove by and then it's her name helen mcguckin night july 9th and it says helen give us another chance call us and it gives their phone number yeah so i will say minor league baseball is my new favorite thing blaze has taught me about it we are big hartford yard goats fans oh um blaze's brother personally is a richmond flying squirrels fan okay they all seem to be about animals eccentric animals not necessarily you know what i'm a fan of what portland pickles is are you being serious right now yeah see minor league baseball forget all

the other sports yeah only minor league helen get your shit together minor league's where it's at come on mlb well not quite um cool we're back we're here anyway so that's all i just wanted to um i thoroughly enjoy that out there that made me very happy see that's the kind of thing take it in stride take it in how how charming of them yeah but helen was gave it at least two stars not one one. How she put thought. It wasn't just one star five. It was like, how many? I don't want to be too mean. They deserve that extra star for something. I don't know what.

But they got it. It's like the Truman Show. She doesn't know that the entire world now revolves around Helen. Okay. That's a little far, but sure. Sure. Sure. Let's go with that.

Anyway, thanks, Aubrey, for sending that in. Thank you, Aubrey sure sure let's go with that anyway thanks aubrey for sending that in thank you aubrey and let's get started so this week's theme was bars in columbus ohio a theme brought to us by the lovely cassie who is one of our patreon supporters lovely ohio oh you know how much we love ohio it's so charming. And so we did that this week. Yeah. Which was interesting. It was interesting. To say the least.

In honor of you, Cassie. We did this for you. We did this for you. So anything that comes next is because of you. You and Helen. And Helen. You and Helen can share. Helen McGuckin.

We should have our own Helen McGuckin night. Helen, if you're ever in LA, hit us up. Oh, Helen. We'll be here. LA, hit us up. Oh, Helen. We'll be here. Oh my God. Okay. All right. So should I...

Remember that lady, Helen, that we went on that riverboat cruise with? I love it. She passed away, didn't she? She did? Well, oops. I didn't mean to bring it down. I'm sorry. Yeah.

I know. I forgot. Good times with Helen. I liked Helen. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. Well, yeah.

And our challenge. Anyway. The challenge that I gave to you was to find a review where the reviewer claims to be a spy. That was a weird one. I went all sorts of weird directions with that. Okay, good, though. Yeah, we'll just buckle up for that. Yeah, I'm excited.

But first, I'll get us started. Great. okay good though yeah just we'll just buckle up for that yeah i'm excited but first i'll i'll get us started great with a review of 16-bit bar and arcade nice columbus ohio isn't there one of those in i've actually never been to one of those arcade bars you haven't been to the one in cincinnati nope it is so fun didn't it just close or no the board game one the rook i think yeah the board game one closed the barcade is really fun and they have all these really cool drinks they have a rocket pop drink cool yeah anyway go on okay this is i'll go five stars five stars okay this is a review from jd one star didn't even let me and my dad in 21 and up my butt they can shove that in a place i won't go into detail with.

They should make the place for all ages. Kids want to play old games, you know. End of review. Who gave this child a Yelp account? I know, right? Oh my God. Literally, they said up my butt. And then they said they can shove that in a place I won't go into detail with.

So maybe not their butt. If they just said butt. They're very good at prepositions, though. With. Oh, my. That is right. That is right. Yeah. That is correct. Correct. That is correct behavior from a child. If I like, you know, when parents kind of snoop and get on their kids' browser history or diaries or whatever to,

like, see what they're up to, if I found that, I think I'd be more disappointed. Absolutely. If I found, like, a negative Yelp account. Absolutely. Than really any other illicit behavior. This is the most illicit behavior. But if anything, it's your kids who are going to act that way, because they're going to act out. They're going to be like, yeah, my mom has a podcast about one-star reviews, so I write them all the time to get her, get back at her. It's really unfortunate that my other podcast is about murder and wine. So, really, I'm screwed.

I think it's your children that are screwed, just saying. I think so, too. Hey, they're your niece and nephew. True, true. I already have Gio. I don't need any more. True. True. I already have GEO. I don't need any more. Me neither. Okay. Well, I actually consulted with our local Columbus resident expert, Renee, who is in law school at OSU. And I said, which bar should I look up? In the last episode, I mentioned the Windex incident, if you recall. I do recall so uh i got some reviews back from renee and they are as follows leo's is the place we went before the windex incident

it's like being inside of a trash can and bullwinkles is where you go to die oh end of renee's review those are renee's reviews yeah so listen don't blame me she didn't give any stars so i don't know those could have been five stars the way that this show goes i think let's just throw some five stars at them perfect because my first review is of bull winkles and it's a one star review by Tracy. So I went to Bulls and because I ate Waffle House I was sick and couldn't make it to the restroom in time to throw up. No.

And the bouncer approached my man and said we have a no throw up policy. Can you imagine? Didn't you see the sign when you walked in? The bouncer being like we have a no throw up policy wagging his finger the bouncer approached my man and said we have a no throw up policy so she has to go what about asking if i was okay since you were not busy it's all about money and i grantee that fat fuck pig of a manager matt made that stupid rule up i like how she thinks it's so absurd that they have a rule to not throw

i don't know of course they why would they i don't know it's weird. People are so weird. Oh my god. What a waste of Waffle House. It was wasted on her. Also bullshit. Don't fucking throw Waffle House under the bus. We all know.

We all know why you were throwing it inside a club. I can imagine like absolutely plastered, can barely talk. It was like, it was a Waffle House. And like losing it and like blaming Waffle House. Those are the rules. I'm not drunk, it was Waffle House. How dare you. I feel like I've said that phrase before. I'm sure we all have. I'm not drunk, it was Waffle House. I think we've all been there. Honestly, you haven't lived if you haven't said that. Not to like give too much personal information, but that is the bumper sticker on the back of my car. The police have put me over more than once. I'm not drunk,

it's the waffle house okay i'm so sorry back to tracy this is about tracy not me give us money so we can make those bumper stickers it's all about money and i grantee that fat fuck pig of a manager matt made that stupid rule you lost my business not that you care with your one dollar watered down balms yeah i said it the bartenders are selling eatables marijuana behind the bar it's true someone bought one from that black chick end of review wow oh my god what a narc what a narc also i mean really throwing everything under the bus here absolutely everything and everyone yeah no it's all slipping it's slipping on that vomit gross flying right under the bus everyone right in those in those grits oh um i mean they're if they're selling eatables marijuana

eatables marijuana it's spelled e-a-t-a-b-l-e-s which sounds kind of like a knockoff um lunchable oh yeah god if you have to call your product eatable. Eatable marijuana. That's not good. So that's that. Thanks, Tracy. Yeah, thank you very much. Renee did say that's where you go to die. It seems like maybe that's not too far off. I think I liked Renee's review a little better.

It was a little more succinct. A little bit. A little spelled a little more correctly. And less gnarking. A little bit less gnarking. Okay, so this next review i have is from tip top kitchen and cocktails oh my god what a mouthful okay i guess it's a one-star review from debbie this place is the gross place on earth sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. I'm sorry. The employees are very nasty.

This guy had buggers in his nose trying to serve me food? I don't recommend this to anybody. The mac and cheese is the grossest thing I have ever tasted. Oh, she learned about superlatives. I was gonna say. What about like she didn't know what grossest... That was a word until four sentences in. She's evolving.

Oh, God. Do not go here. They are haters of the LGBT community. What? If you are a part of the LGBT community, don't go here. They don't support you. Don't spend your money here. End of review.

Was that the same person? Exactly. Yes. That went very left get it that took a turn absolutely um i figured that you know what i loved the most about this review tell me please is that she started with the most important issues like how gross the mac and cheese is right before going into um them hating the lgbt i mean his number one fault is the buggers in his nose his second number two fault is the maybe homophobia

it's her name is debbie i assume it's a her well maybe you shouldn't assume gender roles uh okay they have buggers in their nose, and they are anti-LGBT. I mean... And they are the gross place on Earth. Yeah. Wait, that's... Isn't... What?

Christina. What? Look up what bugger means in British slang. Uh-oh. I'm just... It just hit me oh god oh oh no as a verb the word is used by the british to denote sodomy yeah i'm going to just let you guys know that so that you don't have to text and drive at the same time.

Oh, my. Yeah. So I'm like, we're saying it over and over again. And then I realized that we probably should just. Maybe I should have just read it how she meant it, how they meant it. No, never. Just how they spelled it. Yep.

Well, where the fuck were we? I don't know. Moving on. I got really lost. I'm stuck in the gross place on earth thank you debbie thank you debbie tom gave the hofbrauhaus one star i was hoping for really good german beer and what i got was anything but i didn't have any food however the only reason why this review is a two star is is the bartender, Alex. She was hot! Oh my god. End of review.

Oh. I hope Alex feels really good that she gave her own establishment that she works at one extra bonus star with her looks. I think that's the last thing that was on her mind there. Really? start with her looks i think that's the last thing that was on her mind there really yeah i mean that's all i think about is how i can uh please other people with my appearance was it rude to laugh at that it's not working out for me very well that's why i'm in radio i didn't want to say it i'm on radio oh all right you want a review from Oddfellows Liquor Bar oh boy I have one from there too so one star from Kevin Renee had a thing to say about Oddfellows as well

uh oh she got into a fight with someone there maybe it was Kevin maybe Kevin says this they apparently override your music choices on the jukebox if you don't play what they like. Really stupid. Unless you like Rihanna on repeat.

I do, thank you for asking. Now, there was a manager response. The owner of Oddfellows has this to say. Uh oh. To Kevin about the jukebox. Oh no. Hi Kevin. I'm sorry that Careless Whispers by George Michael got skipped two minutes in to the

five minutes of sexy jazz solo. But without sexy sax man Sergio Flores, that song gets old really quick. So feel free to rickroll us or jam out to some Harlem Shake. Patrol your bartender at your own peril. And a review. Oh! They don't like my song choice. It's like, nope. I love how the owner

is like, nope, we did not. Oh, Careless Whisper was overridden by Rihanna. Yes. Oh my god. I can't wrap my head around this. I can't imagine why nobody would want to hear that. I know. Should I go for a couple more minutes? With that? No, please.

I thought you were going to say, should I go to Oddfellows? I was like, yeah, maybe. So, I am going to jump ahead to my Odd Fellows review, you know, to ride the wave we're riding on here. Courtney gave Odd Fellows one star. The bartender, Terry, threw ice at me because I picked up an orange, the kind that they use in drinks. He literally hit me with ice. What trash and what a poor representation of your company. I won't buy again.

Shit on you, Terry. That's a new one. What I gather is that she leaned over the bar and picked up the garnishes. Yes. What is wrong with people? That's not an okay thing to do. Courtney, that's not a snack. And she knows.

I'm hungry. She said it's the ones they use in the drinks, so why on earth? Anyway. Why indeed. Why indeed. Why indeed. Maybe Courtney can help us out here. Why indeed.

Maybe Courtney's blood sugar was low and was in need of an orange slice shit on you terry shit on you terry how dare you deny courtney her orange slice oh gross would you like a review from out r in out r in yep i'm just gonna say it how it sounds okay this is by kyle one star bouncer is three chromosomes shy of being a hillary supporter end of review can we see what year that was written six months ago like really you're still on that six months ago what is this person kyle kyle really kyle you're still on that? Yes, six months ago. What is this person? Kyle? Kyle. Really, Kyle? You're still on that train? And the way it was worded also, I'm a little confused by the biology. I mean, you would be, considering your political preferences. Yeah, considering who I voted for.

I don't think Kyle would expect you or me to understand the impeccable logic behind his statement. Saying that a Hillary supporter would have three... Fewer chromosomes. I would expect you or me to understand the impeccable logic behind his statement. Like, saying that a Hillary supporter would have three... Fewer chromosomes. No, three more chromosomes. People with Down syndrome have an extra. One extra. Oh, okay. Yes.

Sure. So, three extra. Who's to say what that means? What is it? I know. Kyle's to say. Kyle's to say. Kyle, reach out to us. It's a Hillary supporter. We would love to say kyle reach out to us it's a it's a hillary

supporter love to hear he already told us kyle's a hillary supporter no kyle already explained what three extra chromosomes does to you makes you a hillary supporter correct got it why are we even questioning i don't know alexander i should stop you're right you should all. Now I have a review. That was so weird. Okay. I actually have a second from Outer. You do? Yeah. Great. Can I just do it quick?

Please. Was Kyle back? No, this is Alan. Alan? This is a four-star review. However, I'm not going to count it as a redemption, and I'm not going to put our redemption music behind it. Okay.

Because I don't like it. I already feel like I'm not going to put our redemption music behind it. Okay, I already feel like I'm not going to enjoy this. They have cornhole and pool tables. It's a cool place to hang out with the younger crowd, but a lot of the crowd is young to the point that they're boring because they have nothing to talk about, aside from all the superficial things. End of review.

What is he like? They probably just don't want to talk to a strange old man no alan is based i'm just based basing on the picture alan seems pretty young this is an ohio state campus bar like by yeah but i mean if he's an old he's not an older person it does not unless they used a younger person's picture oh maybe they used that child's account from earlier yes that's what it was my understanding was alan is above all all of his peers maybe that child finally got into a bar and it was this one and he didn't have anything interesting to say um so this is like one of those people who like a like a top hat man who thinks that like oh yes um who thinks that like. Oh, yes.

Who thinks that like, oh. Alan's actually wearing three top hats in his picture. Imagine that. Three extra top hats. You know what that means. I cannot fathom how. I don't want to fathom. No.

Nope. I don't want to talk to you. Okay. But that's the kind of person, not you. That's the kind of person that goes into a bar and tries to strike up conversation and people are like, please don't talk to me. And he's like, they're so boring. Also, what would you want to talk about that's, like,

if you're complaining about people talking about superficial things in a bar, what are you trying to talk about? Yeah, I don't want to know what you're trying to garner from strange younger people. Whatever. Alan. Oh, Alan. Okay. Classic Alan. Classic Alan. a garner from strange younger people whatever alan oh alan okay classic alan classic alan what you got for us okay this is my last one this is of forno kitchen and bar your mrs dave's one star review something about that name sounds really inappropriate i think it's because it rhymes with Forno. Oh. And fornication. Fornication. Forno. Wow. Hmm. Hmm. Anyway, Dave gave it one star.

Now, I wonder if this is going to make sense when I read it. They often don't. They often don't. I'll explain. Dog's not allowed. So I will show up with my service dog this Saturday for my birthday. You're going to refuse me service. Might just have to see.

Might suggest you change that rule. It's against the law and my constitutional rights. Hope you don't spoil my birthday plans. Wow. Now, there's a response from the owner. I'll let you continue. I have things to say, but I'll let the owner say them first. Okay, sure, yeah. Hold that thought hi dave happy birthday how do these people do i don't know i applaud you i do as well service industry i applaud you

hi dave happy birthday although the dogs allowed option is checked as no on our Yelp profile, this setting has nothing to do with the acceptance of service dogs. Can't wait to see you this weekend. Hope you have a great time on your birthday. End of review. End of response. Oh my god. So, like, this guy just rated it one star.

One star before even going. Because he saw that it said no dogs allowed, like that doesn't that's so preclude service stuff so fucked up yeah yeah like is that like what could you imagine living your life i mean like that's how i'm going to get enjoyment out of these it's so things like by coming with a service dog and giving people why don't you just give him a quick call anyway and i'm picturing it's just like his dog with like a string and a piece of like construction paper and he wrote on it in sharpie and it's just a service dog it's like can't refuse me service um oh gosh yeah uh also the only reason that so i you know would have

rated dave one star but i gave him two because he did attach a picture of his dog. Oh, okay. And it was a very sweet little pup. Very cute. So did it have the right service vest on? There is no such thing. Like a service dog does not require a vest. It did have a vest, but you can buy those vests on Amazon. So PSA. PSA. I've got one more here. Oh, boy. And it's of Grass Skirt Tiki Room. Okay, interesting. Yeah, it looked pretty fun. Hulu. Nope.

I've been watching Veronica Mars. Oh, my lord. That was embarrassing, huh? Let's just savor that moment. I'm so sorry. Hula. Hula hoop. No, Hula skirt. What is the matter with me? Hula.

Where to begin? I have a review from Sarah. One star. I have never once in my life wrote a review. I honestly did not think people took the time out of their lives to do such a thing. Well, you're going to learn real quick on this show. out of their lives to do such a thing. Well, you're going to learn real quick on this show. But honestly, I had a not so great time here. I have a high pain tolerance and have never had food poisoning. So I figured I'd order their spicy peanut pasta.

I figured who could go wrong with something like Pad Thai? Well, I'd like to start out with the fact that I had to spend an extra $20 to ride home in an Uber, as well as tell the Uber driver we may have to go to the hospital. My stomach was in such excruciating pain, I thought I had appendicitis. Little did I know I had food poisoning. This was honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me ever. End of review. Oh, you're in for quite an experience once you get out into the real world.

Oh, hope we don't ever have to birth any children. I've heard it hurts. Wowza. I will say, though, this restaurant, what's it called? Hulu? Yeah, this is Hulu's pop-up restaurant in Columbus, Ohio, called Grass Skirt Tiki Room. Grass Skirt Tiki Room. I feel like maybe peanut pasta is not necessarily the most appetizing name.

That's what I read. And I read that. I'm like, this sounds disgusting. And then she said, Pad Thai. And I'm like, oh, yeah. It makes a lot of sense. I do enjoy that. So I guess I would enjoy peanut pasta. Peanut pasta. Yeah. Hmm. and then she said pad thai and i'm like oh yeah it makes a lot of sense i do enjoy that so i guess

i would enjoy peanut pasta peanut pasta yeah hmm it wasn't me i'm not drunk it's the peanut pasta um oh no that's the worst thing that's ever i hope that remains the worst thing that ever happens to sarah me too i do me too Because it's over with. That would be nice. All uphill from here. Wait. Down. Wait. All uphill.

Uphill. She hit a low and she's going to. It's harder to walk uphill, though, than it is downhill. Don't even want to coast. I guess it's just a big plateau. It's getting better. It's getting better for Sarah. Hopefully.

I hope. I wish you all the best. Okay. Wowza. Wowza. Wowza. Time for your challenge boy oh boy so here's the thing that my child my challenge was to um find reviews in which uh people claim to be a spy the reviewer claimed to be a spy yes it sounded honestly i didn't want to say this but it sounded impossible it It wasn't impossible. Okay. It wasn't the hardest one I've ever done.

Okay. I did have to do some finagling, and I'm not sure... What does that mean in this context? So, I initially searched for, I am a spy. Which... How did that go? Turned up a lot of results of spy museum reviews. Ooh. And it said things like, I am a lot of results of spy museum reviews. Ooh.

And it said things like, I am happy to be at the spy museum. Okay. So, I had to get all the spy museum stuff out, so I came up with other words. Did you use quotations around I am spy? I did. Wait, I am spy? Not that. Yes, not what I just said.

Okay, anyway. I am spy. What a good spy, not what I just said. Okay, anyway. I am spy. What a good spy that would be, though. Yes. So, for example, I typed things like disguise, or I was wearing a disguise. I typed things like I spied on my wife or husband, partner, significant other. Those still count if you ask me. You'll see.

So the first one that I found is a review from Amazon of DB Power Video Baby Monitor. Wait, wait. Like DB Cooper? Could it be? Could it be? Oh my god. It was his Amazon profile all along. It wasn't one of those genealogy sites like with the East Area Rapist.

It was Amazon reviews. Amazon that captured D.B. Cooper. What if Yelp took down a serial killer? What if we took down a serial killer? Oh, man. It's not an invitation, not a challenge. Nope. Pretend we didn't say anything.

Who's the one that had our address earlier? Oh, god. Amber? No. Aubrey aubrey okay db cooper video baby monitor why is that so funny i don't know because i said it i guess probably uh this is a five-star review by matthew okay i love how the camera can spin 360. Okay. I love how the camera can spin 360. Why is that so funny? I don't know.

It gets worse. Allows me to... Oh, no. Allows me to spy on my wife in the bathroom or monitor my baby. Oh, my Lord. What? Is that real? Chris picture. Good sound quality. end of review oh what i don't like that i think we are gonna take down take down a criminal here yeah it allows me to spy on my wife in the bathroom and monitor my baby stop it i don't

like that one so that's they're claiming to be a spy, sort of. They're claiming to spy. Yeah, I think that counts. Okay, thank you. On that same note, I have a review of a wireless Wi-Fi hidden camera on Amazon. This is a three-star review by Anonymous. Ooh. I purchased, why are these so funny to me? I don't know. It's terrible. I purchased mine to spy these so funny to me? I don't know.

It's terrible. I purchased mine to spy on my wife, AJ. Okay, these are really, really stable relationships. There are so many of these, by the way. That's so scary. And why would you post that on the internet? What the hell is Allie doing out there? I gotta check her... Oh my god, I was in her... What's that on the internet? What the hell is Allie doing out there? Allie's. I gotta check her. Oh my god.

I was in her. What's that blinking red light? In the stuffed Geo. It's on my forehead. Oh god. Uh. Cool. Three stars.

I purchased mine to spy on my wife AJ. Turns out she was cheating on me with a wrestler. I now hate my life but I'm thankful i purchased this hidden camera end of review what the fuck she's cheating on me with a wrestler aj but also don't spy anonymous yes let's blame anonymous. You don't spy. No, that is wrong. That is quite illegal. Maybe you can communicate your concerns. Right. It's all about communication. Oh, my God.

We're going to catch your... Or just hide in the closet. We're going to catch serial killers, fix marriages. We do it all. Yep, that's everything. Just move away from that red dot and don't leave me here alone um okay so now i went a little different route not not on purpose by accident i found a yelp reviewer who okay his name is brent but he goes by Big B. Obviously.

Obviously. And his bio says, looking for only the best. I am a secret shopper for a national restaurant chain. I'll be watching you. I love it. But the U is a capital letter U. Yeah. I'll be watching you.

So I said, oh, hell yes. So he claimed to be a spy. I love that. Sort of. So I went through watching you. So I said, oh, hell yes. So he claimed to be a spy. I love that. Sort of. So I went through his reviews. And I found one of Victoria's Secret. This is a five star review. Yes.

I love any store that makes my woman look good and smell great. Very helpful staff every time I go. That's the only way you're going to surprise her excuse me i don't know i'm sorry i'm sorry who me i'll surprise i'm a wrestler i'll come over and surprise her no just have the friendly staff help you what you kind of want i hate this so much so bad please makes giving a gift to her a breeze and the store smells good lol end of review there's no way this person's hired by anyone to do this all the secret shoppers i found had no freaking clue how to, like, write proper sentences.

I was like, I don't know what they're doing or how helpful this is. But this person, Big B, had over 450 reviews. Yeah, like, it was like a job. Like, he did it every day. So, I tend to believe him. There was one of Chanel. That one was interesting. He's like, took my boss's wife to Chanel.

Gotta treat her good. And I was like, get out of here i don't i don't know then i found another spy oh no and i say spy with quotes quotes around it this spy apparently they all have these really super impressive and manly nicknames first there's big b now there's yo yo yo wow not just a yo yo no that's funny they had just two of them it would have sounded a lot less sinister and manly that's right but it's that extra yo that really takes it all the way now it's serious yo yo yo specializes in corporate espionage finding very hard to locate individuals and those running from the law. So this is Dog the Bounty Hunter. So it's basically claiming to be a bounty hunter.

Awesome. Which is not necessarily a spy. However, he frequents many spy shops and private investors. He rates a lot of... That's a thing? Oh, Alexander, I learned... Spy shops? Yes, I learned so much.

And I decided I wanted a lot of it also apparently in new york state blaze if you bring a wrestler over here i will find out um in new york state it is illegal to own espionage equipment apparently i don't know i learned why am i trusting a yelp review i read that in a yelp review what's wrong with me sorry i take that back that is not a fact yeah some of these things it just kind of blurs reality and like yeah pretty well i start to like believe what i see it's like stockholm syndrome yelp syndrome um okay he reviewed hats unlimited and now my thought is maybe he was looking for a hat a disguise

this is his review of hats unlimited this store is amazing they truly have every hat one could possibly need if you wanted to be nitpicky you could point out that they don't have a robin hood hat or a welding helmet but jesus this place has thousands of hats i tried as many as i could and they were totally cool about it i did lose a package when i was checking out hats and the store salesperson totally went searching for the item at 9 p.m and then found it i'm so thankful and so not only does the shop live up to its name but they go out of their way to help and this is when i realized yo-yo-yo is not a very good spy because he's leaving his shit oh losing his shit while trying

on hats i'm wondering what it was it could have been like a like a plant like oh like a bug yeah or maybe it's a police hat wait what i'm picturing that you're trying to buy a police hat oh i see impersonating a police officer. Or it could be a UPS outfit so that he can carry the package around and go up to people's doors. You know? And say, I've got a big package for you. Oh, God. I'm yo, yo, yo.

Yo, yo, yo. I was thinking about this the other day. I don't know why, but I was thinking if you wanted to steal packages, it's a lot easier to just dress as a delivery person holding packages and then walk up to houses that have packages and just like... Pick them up? Then when you're wandering through the streets looking at people's houses, you don't look as sketchy. Yeah. TMTM, don't steal my criminal ways.

Let's not have anyone do that. Because I don't think that's also... I don't think that's a very good idea either think that's also i don't think that's a very good idea either i mean i don't think it's a good idea i think it's a good idea i don't think it's a legal idea no i also don't think it's a good idea why i don't think it would work as well as you think it would work great okay put on some big sunglasses we'll find out youtube channel we'll film it okay of me stealing packages um okay now this is the last one that i have and this one isn't quite a person claiming to be a spy but you'll see i hope maybe you will maybe you won't see why i

found this this is a review of the dartmoor prison museum in england oh i was like where is that it is far away from us it's a five-star review by Andrew. Dartmoor Prison Museum. Interesting place. It was my kids who were keen to visit. I wore a disguise just to be on the safe side. Andrew. Is this like an ex-con or a fugitive?

It is still very much a working prison, holding over 600 men at present. Conditions are grim, but somewhat better than 100 years ago. At least they have sanitation now. Some of the most notorious criminals have been caged at Dartmoor, with a remarkable number of escapes. I would say it's very good, but could do with some freshening up and a review. What? He wore a disguise just in case.

Just in case. Just in case what? Like they would recognize him? That would be a little more suspicious than not wearing a disguise at all. Right? He shows up in a UPS outfit and a police hat. They're like, what are you doing? Anyway, so Andrew, I was like, what are you doing um anyway so andrew i was like what are you doing

andrew are you doing put that disguise put it away or i wore disguise just to be on the safe side what are you talking about i know i know i kind of like it so that's kind of that was not quite a spy but um no andrew to me in my heart're a spy. I think somewhere he just shed a single happy tear. Somewhere. He's in Dartmoor Prison. I don't know exactly where he is. I don't know. Oh, poor Andrew.

He'll be okay. All right. So that's that. Great. Well, I'm going to tell people where they can find us. Great. Beach2Sandy.com. Yeah.

That's it. Yep. And leave us a review if you can that would be super nice and helpful yeah we'd like that we would like that so very much um so let's see you ready for your theme for next week oh please our theme for next week is walmart's in sioux falls south dakota oh my god walmart's in south dakota i am so intrigued i checked three cities in north dakota this was my third in south dakota this is the first one that had more than two walmart's great this one has three oh jesus so it gives us more options i really hope yelp works out for me this time my understanding of uh these places is there's not that much else to do so these places probably

have a shit ton of reviews so i think we'll be fine i like it yeah sioux falls south dakota we're coming for you all right well let me get your challenge coming right up. Okay, let's pretend I didn't just spend 10 minutes coming up with a challenge. Consider it done. My dumb butt brain had a theme in mind, not a challenge. That's a different thing. Whoops, I forgot that Cassie picked the last theme, so I felt like I needed to bring a theme to the table. Blame Cassie, okay. God damn it, Cassie picked the last theme, so I felt like I needed to bring a theme to the table. Blame Cassie. Okay.

God damn it, Cassie. So this is an email from Amy, and Amy suggested a challenge. So her idea was a review of a movie where the reviewer spoils the film. Oh, okay. I think I'm going to expand it to a review in which the reviewer spoils a piece of entertainment, a a book whatever and spoils the ending piece of media piece of media love it a medium a medium that is that is because this is something that people can be such assholes and they throw spoilers out there just to be assholes like she mentioned obviously it's the sixth sentence of someone like yeah spoils that in a review i don't tell me what if i spoiled it right now um love it anyway love it and she said it's uh with the whole world obsessed with end game it got her thinking oh yeah yeah about movies

maybe i should watch that otherwise it's probably going to be spoiled for me by next week you're gonna find a lot of spoilers so you better watch any form of yeah true medium or media that you want to enjoy wholeheartedly although i remember once i i spoiled things fall apart by chinoa chebe for my entire lunch table at school and it still bothers me that i did that remember that and so i deserve this one time uh renee's friend uh erica spoiled no sorry renee spoiled uh game of thrones for erica like a big freaking spoiler in the last season she would right and erica was so upset so upset that renee literally had a cookie cake sent to her and then i sat there thinking i'm halfway through the season should i just have renee spoil it so i can get myself a free cookie cake oh is it worth

it yes that did not happen oh it didn't but we i will say right now disclaimer we are not mailing cookie cakes to anyone who's upset by our because now we're gonna spoil no no no i was i've already been thinking about this honestly everyone don't stress week, what I will do is before I read any review, I will tell you what it's spoiling. What things. So you can stop listening. No, you can just fast forward. Fast forward. Or stop listening.

You could just stop listening. You could just never listen to this again. But I will be careful because I am very sensitive to that because i did it once and i hated myself for it so okay i'll give you ample warning let's say that this is you revisiting this touchy subject yes thank you amy for diving deep down into um my problems love it it's like she knew that she did uh anyway i'm excited me. What's the theme again? Oh, yeah. Walmart's in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Cool.

Perfect. I am very excited. All right. Well, I will see you then. All right. Bye, everyone. Bye, guys. Bye, guys.

Bye, guys. Bye.