Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 335: Reviews of Beans

Episode Date: April 30, 2025

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Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. We made it. Oh my God. We made it. Where were you? We made it. Oh my god. We made it. Where were you? We made it to the beans episode. Oh! It's about time.

Oh, is that where we were going? I was just asleep in the sidecar. I knew you were driving me somewhere important. Yes. Right into the land, the promised land of beans. Yeah, it's about time. We are reading reviews of beans. You better believe it.

The moment we've all been waiting for. Like the most is Alex and there's not brought this up with me one time We've not once said hey, isn't it weird? We're doing beans We're not even we haven't even remotely discussed this and then Alexander shows up with this intense energy Yeah, I wasn't quite frankly Prepared for well, you should have been because it's the bean episode. I Don't know why you're surprised Alex. I know likesans and that's kind of the thing about it. And also, Julio, our friend, said that back in September you were doing a stream or something and and he said like, Oh your birthday's coming up. You should do a

beans episode. And then it I guess it caught on with maybe one or two other people and that's it. And then on patreon they were very loud and I said fine fine Take it. It's about time. Honestly. Thank you everyone who Who advocated for beans on behalf of beans? Because I for one appreciate it as a bean lover. Okay, so let's That's good. And now I want to show you that I acquired a new piece of art. As you can tell I'm recording in a hotel, but really this is the new art I bought. I bring it with me. So today, this is what I've got today.

It's a large aeroplane. It's just the picture from the front of a large plane. It's a jumbo jet. It's a nose of a jumbo jet. That is one jumbo jet. You're so right. And I think it's just beautiful. It really fits in with my kind of sterile gray, but also different all sorts of willy nilly textures. Like green grays. The colors are all the same back there.

Yeah. Maybe it's also the lighting and stuff. Here's what'll surprise you is that they all feel very different in a bad way too. It's like the couch is stuff. Here's what'll surprise you is that they all feel very different in a bad way too. It's like the couches are still a little too scratchy. The walls are like, why are they textured? Don't talk about scratchy couches. We just did a Patreon episode

that mentioned an itchy couch. And if you wanna learn more, don't spoil it, Alexander. Don't spoil that itchy couch because it really was a good plot point. Yeah, we did tiki bars in Hong Kong That alone is worth a subscription, right? I would say probably It was extra ridiculous, but yeah, I had the whole time we were recording the bonus By the way, I was trying to like cover this painting up

So you didn't bring it up because I really wanted it to be on the main feed I like my since it was like because I've as you know been collecting more art lately as I travel Yeah, you actually do take them off the wall Take them home um And they've really just like i've created a beautiful gallery. What was the other one? I had a matisse and then I got it He said you had to chop up. Yeah

Anyway, so I just every time I'm in a new spot, I just think to myself, wow, I better get this one back home. Yeah, that one especially is a good one. Yeah, it's even better when I saw Eva's room and she has the exact same one in the exact same spot. And I thought, wow, this truly is one of a kind. Two of a kind. Yeah, two of a kind, sorry, that's what I meant,

two of a kind. So weird that we both have meant. Two of a kind. It's so weird that we both have the same one. Beans. You want me to go? Anyway, let's go back to beans. Let's see. Alexander, how are you feeling?

What do you want to do? Do you want to go first? This is one of the few episodes that I did research well in advance. Are you serious? I have no idea what's going on anymore. I did mine like last night. So I am very much on the opposite. Two weeks ago.

I'm not even exaggerating. I did them so early because I had this burst of beans. I saw beans and I was like, yes. And so then I got really excited and then I'm excited again. So let me just go ahead and read a review that Izzy, they, them sent in. Go for it.

This is a one-star review of Campbell's Pork and Beans 11-ounce can, case of 24 on Amazon. Oofa doofa. Yeah. Ain't moms pork and beans! To save a few pennies, producers are using high fructose corn syrup, and pork and beans just don't taste the same. This product gave me enough gas to inflate the dirigible Hindenburg. End of review.

Not the dirigible. Not the dirigible. The dirigible Hindenburg. Not the dirigible. I know you won't know what I mean when I say the Hindenburg, so let me clarify with a really specific term, really specific jargon. That we use very often.

The dirigible. You know which one. Oh my god that's amazing. That's really beautiful. Wow what a good word. Okay I have one here from Stephanie Shide. It's a review of Lucky Star Tin Food and it is specifically. Sounds so tasty. Yeah I know and even when you see the average rating being about a three it really doesn't inspire your appetite very much this is a one-star review by Reagan of the baked bean can Rotten baked beans. Hi. Good day people. I just want to warn you

Please stay far away from this company's tin food I bought Lucky Star baked beans upon opening, the tin was filled with gas or air. I poured it into my dish of chicken curry. Oh my word, the stench. The quality was negative one thousand percent. It could have killed my whole family. I laid a complaint by the retailer ShopRite. And at Lucky Star, they're still coming back to me since last Friday. I'm telling you people, I will never ever buy anything related to Lucky, just to think they don't even have the decency to reply. Bad reply bad bad bad service and products unhappy customer end of review. Oh, no. Oh, no that did not sound we could have killed the whole family

What was gas potent beans it was either air? Which would have been killed my family well the air was fine, but if it could have been gas I too much of anything will get you know that could have killed somebody it could have been carbon monoxide and in such a condensed State that it just kind of shouldn't open it with your like face over the hole, you know though Sucking in breathing in that's I have do Okay, I can do it don't try this at home kids don't try that I'm a bean lover, okay? I can do it. Okay. Also...

Don't try this at home, kids. Don't try that. I'm an expert. I've sniffed a few beans in my day. Okay. Bye. I've huffed a lot of beans. Stop.

All right. That's enough of that. I actually have decided to stop it in its tracks. Thanks. I have a five-star review now. Oh, great. Most... I think most of mine are because they're beans.

How can anyone be negative? I have not a single positive review. Well, Iowa Rob on Amazon had this to say about old El Paso traditional canned refried beans. Okay. Five stars. Gave me gas. Good beans.

Got some alone time away from the girlfriend thanks to these beans. 100% recommended. And that was another Izzy contribution by the way. Iowa Rob. Look, Iowa Rob needed some time away from Iowa Robette, you know? And they're usually... That's how couple names work, right?

Yeah, they're usually eating corn, you know, they're in Iowa It's like corn corn corn all the time. I eat this thing's a couple beans Yeah, and got some got some bro time, you know got a man cave situation all of a sudden. Yeah Clear out the man cave clear it out because so you don't kill your whole family. Yeah It could you know things have gone south Don't involve raw bet. Oh, yeah If you know things have gone south don't involve Robert if you know it's good for you stay away you're not Robert is so good battle against that name for a child. Stop that! It's really good!

I'm glad someone thinks so. This is from Elise and Matt. You might not believe this. I made that up myself. Crazy, right? I mean, it really is. And like when I tell Blaze that it was was your contribution he's gonna be even happier than You're like I'm gonna name name our next kid after after Zandy after him. Oh, okay. That's that's fine. I guess

He's okay Oh, no, yeah, he inspired the name. Yeah, don't worry because he came up with it. It's like a name Yeah, oh did I not say that earlier? Did I not tell you that? Oh, my bad. Oh, my God. Okay, this is from Elise and Matt, she, her, and he, him. And this is a Boston baked beans, the candy coated peanuts.

I don't think I've ever actually eaten one of these. I don't think I have because they're not actual beans. No, certainly not. So I think the misleading nature of their name really turned me off to them. I see, so it was more of like, the concept is kind of gross. It's more of like an ethical thing, the lie.

Oh, is it? Yeah. It's an ethical thing. False advertising. Okay. I didn't know if you meant like literally when you were little, you thought they were gross because. Oh, no. No, I was pissed off. I saw, I just said this isn't a fucking bean. What are you fucking talking about? You were vengeful. I was

vengeful. This is a fucking peanut. It's a legume. Wait, that's what a lot of beans are. Never mind ahead okay this is peanuts and beans in the same family yeah that's crazy I didn't know that until now one this whole time I could have been eating Boston baby shit you have so much to catch up on so much okay good thing Walmart good thing Walmart's a bestse Wait, why say why are they not vegan? They're chocolate covered. There's no way it's like dark chocolate. No, they're candy covered. Oh, candy covered. Oh, sorry. That's probably made of beetles. It has beetles. Can you eat that? I cannot eat beetles. Well, I can, but I choose not. How about that? You can't or you won't. Okay. I'm sick of having this fight with you. Fine, I won't eat bugs, but I could. I could not on them all day long, but I won't. Yeah.

Anyway, where were we? One star review, verified purchase of Boston baked beans from Walmart. Boston baked beans substituted for red hot, cannot eat nuts. That's the title that Joyce wrote. Wait, I need time to process that. Oh, okay. Can you say it it again Boston baked beans substituted for red hots cannot eat nuts basically she ordered red hots the candy and then they

were placed in like person that was they were out the shopper replaced a dash or door dash or whatever I think it was the Walmart, like, pick up or drop off or whatever. Walmart Plus. Walmart Plus. And so it says that they were substituted for that. That's the title that Joyce wrote. So I'll, I know it leaves much to the imagination, but here's the rest. I'm 75 and can't eat nuts. I just lost my husband.

Sorry. It's just like my husband. Sorry. It's just like, it gets so saddled. Here come the giggles. Here come the giggles. Hee hee hee. Sorry, I know it's a coping mechanism. Oh no, Gracina.

I'm 75 and can't eat nuts. I just lost my husband and I'm disabled. So I have to order stuff to be delivered and have this is like the word Like why would you do this to this poor woman? She just wants a red hot. You do this to us For justice for Joe, okay Okay, this is remember how when you were a child you were feeling vengeful about Boston baked beans now I'm feeling also vengeful about Boston baked beans. Is that where you're standing on a soapbox right now? Well, as you read this yeah, I didn't think you'd notice.

Christina, how could I not? You're towering over everything. You're even towering over that picture of a plane. The Jogotcha? Yeah. I am 75 and can't eat nuts. Sorry. I don't know why I started it from the beginning.

Sorry. I really want to hear whether or not she lost her husband. Please read it again. I just lost my husband and I'm sorry. I really want to hear whether or not she lost her husband. Please read it again. I just lost my husband and I'm disabled so I have to order stuff to be delivered and have someone to help me get it in my home. Never sub unless I say that it is okay. Most people order what they want. Certain things will not work. End of review. Joyce is fucking right.

Joyce is right. You can't just say Red Hots and Boss and Bake beans. Same difference. They're both red, right? They are both red. That's the end of the beginning and end of their similarities. What are those like Mike and Ike but they're like the red

like hot ones? I don't even know if they're Mike and Ike. Don't those exist? Something tamales. Is that what red hearts are? I thought red hearts were like smaller candy. I don't know, Christine. I don't know what the fuck. This is out of my element, Christine.

I'm sorry. We're in the bean episode and you're talking to me about like red hots or whatever. I just feel like, I mean, I guess I know what you mean. Those ones that are shaped more like my eyes. He does. What? Hot tamale.

Okay, you're right. It was a different thing. I'm right? You are right, but red hots are similar. Okay. They're tiny. Oh, Christina, I fucking nailed this. I'm sorry.

I was so right. All right, all right, all right, all right. Hey, you're cutting out, stop. Shit. Shit. Quit before it gets worse. All right, all right, all right, all right. Hey, you're cutting out, stop. Shhh. Shhh. Quit before it gets worse. Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Why was that, that's how I talk to Leona. I say things that don't make sense, but I say them so confidently that she's like, okay, fine, and I'm like, good. Like, we'll be like, hey, we have to go to school, and she's like, but I wanna go to the library first,

but it's not open right now, and she's like, okay. And I'm like, it means 10 AM on a Wednesday. Um, I just loved lying to my child sometimes. Yeah. It's I like lying to your child too, but it's usually about the not open thing is starting to get a little, it doesn't work as well anymore because, um, she figured out how to use the phone and iPad if she gets her hands on one. So she calls the library every day.

Yeah. You're like, no, we can't go to the library. Let's, let's, we got to go to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville so so mommy can have a little drink. Yeah today I go where are you guys going? Blaise said Leona tell mommy where we're going tonight because I was FaceTiming and Blaise said what do they do there? And she's in that phase where she wants nothing to do with actually answering questions. And so she was like

I don't know and I was like are you going to the Hofbrah house? And she goes, no. Okay. And then like 20 minutes later I was like, hey Blaze, where are you guys going? He goes Hofbrah house. And I go, oh Leona doesn't know. And he's like, no, she's just trying to convince you or not. I'm like, why? She just doesn't want you to know. What? She doesn't want you to show up. I know. This is my time. Mommy's gonna like lie to me about the library again. She's all like, it's time she gets a taste of her own medicine.

Sorry, mom, Hofra House is closed. You're not invited. Yeah, that's so true. Oh my god. I just feel like I'm already getting gas lit by my own child. Okay. Yeah, you are. My next one is from Maddie SheHer,

who sent in a review from this website that I believe Flanfo also found one from here or multiple. Maddie says this, I love beans. I'm a member of the exclusive Rancho Gordo Bean Club, which my coworkers regularly are baffled by. Here are some reviews of my all time favorite bean, the Royal Corona. I love this.

It is, if you go to Rancho Gordo, they have beans, so many different kinds of like beans and then you can sign up for their club and I think they send you new beans every month or something. It is, I'm gonna be honest, it's a lot for me. I like my beans out of a can straight into my mouth. I'm pretty simple to please, easy to please with the beans.

You're supposed to give me a little bit of a heads up before you say stuff like that. No, but here's a five-star review of these Royal Corona beans. So, the title of the root, it's five- stars, title review is They Might Be Beans, which I'm not sure if it's a reference to They Might Be Giants. I was like, is this a cool indie review from 2002? And I don't know if it's supposed to be to the tune of a specific song.

It kind of starts out like it would be the tune of whatever the spider pig spider pig by which is the spider man from way back that I only think of as spider pig from the Simpsons movie. Same I mean that's the only one I know. Anyway but it doesn't work so I don't know I'm just gonna read the review as if it's a poem. Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go. Corona bean, Corona bean, known to all for its savory mean.

Garlic and onion, it convene, Corona bean. It's got a taste for which we're keen, a texture soft, a chew pristine. It complements rice, a chew pristine. It compliments rice, fish and green. Grandios bean, corona bean. End of review. Wow, that was beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? Like no matter what it's beautiful.

But then the, they might be beans makes me think it has to be a reference to one of their songs. Well, I'm just trying to remember what's like one of their famous songs. Uh, didn't they do the, that's the end of the world? It's the end of the world. That's right. Yeah, and they sang the Malcolm and the Middle theme song.

The Malcolm and the Middle song. Yeah. Yeah. I accidentally wrote they might be joints and the internet was like, that's not it. What's on your mind? That's not it. They sing that song, Istanbul, Constantinople. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, is that what it was? Corona bean. Corona bean. See, I want to go, Corona bean, Corona bean, known to all for its savory meme. The garlic and onion, it convene. Corona bean. The Spotify one? Oh, they also sing the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song. Oh! Don't fuck with me. The one that I think about also, what's that about to say? I don't know. Oh, Spider Pig. This is how I sing it. Spider Pig, Spider Pig, what does ever a spider pee does? Can he swing from the web? Of course not. He is a pig. Watch out. Here comes a spider pig.

That's how my... Is that like Flula or something? That's how my host sister's older brother sang it when he was really high on cocaine and I was so scared and I was at this party and I didn't want to be at a party because I was 16 and he kept singing that at me. And I was like... He had tarantula in his hand. I was like, help!

Yeah. And he was pointing the tarantula and then to you. Spider, pig, spider, pig. It was a whole thing. I just was like, so horrified. That was such a dramatic evening. It sounds like it. Geez. Yeah, it was. So anytime I think of that song, that's what I think about it. You're welcome for bringing it up. Yeah, thanks. All right. This is a review from Mellie She Her it is a review of

jelly beans on Amazon and They just say jelly beans Really sketchy made in China. It says oh It says more than just jelly. Well, the title is just jelly. There's no like Identifier comparing them to any like There's nothing particularly interesting about them. It's just jelly beans. They're just the classic jelly beans. And there's like 800 million jelly bean postings on Amazon.

So, you know, it doesn't seem any similar or different from the rest. Mellie sent this one. It's a two-star review by Lynn, a verified purchase. It was not what I expected. I was looking for jelly belly beans and the way it was displayed, I ended up with jelly beans. I ordered these for a celebration of life on the 13th of July because they were my friend's favorite candy and I wanted to share them with everyone. For this reason, I am not going to rate them. End of review. Oh! It was a two-star review. It was a too straight.

I don't wanna tell her that, because it seems like she's going through enough right now. But I don't even know what happened. It just seems like maybe she thought it said Jelly Belly, or maybe they were false advertising. I don't know. Because you know these listings. Maybe, that's so sad.

What are these reviews you're bringing, Christina? I was in a split party. Okay, I was gonna say it's me, but then I'm like, but I was just opening other people's emails. So maybe it's a collective sadness we're all feeling. I don't know why you, you somehow, yeah, you somehow, I didn't see a single thing about a celebration of life.

You didn't see anything about funerals? No, believe it or not. I've already talked about multiple people. Wait, wait, every review, every review has had people dying. The first one was it could have killed my family. The second one was I just lost my husband. And the third one is my friend just died. Yes, Christina, we're all disturbed by this already. You're patching up to what you're bringing to us. This is the craziest thing. Yes, it is. I'm gonna go to my mini for for it I'm glad I have all these five stars I can't hear a thing she's saying she has her headphones on so she can hear me but she can't talk back oh her microphones moving Christina don't let

it fall off the table I almost started yelling and I was like, oh wait, that won't help anything. Wait, I think her headphones fell off. Oh no, oh no. Why is the room shaking? Oh my God, that wasn't a painting. There's a jumbo jet coming out of the, through the wall. It was a window this whole time. Oh my god. What the fuck?

Yeah, no, sorry, the jumbo jet scared me. She turned it back. She had moved her camera away from the jumbo jet like 10 minutes ago for some reason. She's like, no more jumbo jet for you. Because the lighting was better from the window than it was from this dumb table lamp. Got it. Okay, she's pouring her wine. My turn? It is your turn. Unless you want to hear about another funeral, but... Not really. I'm sure I have a few in here. I don't remember. I'm sure you do. I'm sure I'll find one. Here I have another five star review

of the Royal Corona that was sent in by Maddie. So this is Maddie's favorite bean. And let me just say that Maddie has taste. Okay, so is this, so Maddie sent the last one too, right? Yes, Corona bean, Corona bean. Okay, so I thought you were saying this is another person who also had this as their favorite bean.

Oh no, no. You're saying this is still Maddie's favorite bean. This next review Oh, no You're saying this is still Maddie's favorite. This next reviewer does I think This is still Maddie's favorite though. That's what I was referring to five star review of the royal corona So so good These big bad girls are creamy satisfying and with a little brown butter and sage Perfection if you love a chestnut, you'll love these. End of review. I never thought I would say this.

It's on today of all days, but I am so hungry. That sounds so good. I really, when you first started speaking, I almost like wretched up the wine I was drinking. Yeah, I saw. In a paper cup. That was the hope. But actually, like what was it? The

brown butter sage? Like that? Brown butter and sage with these these big bad girls. That was a Hail Mary addition to the to the recipe that that swung me from gross to I want that right now. And Christina, they were in the same sentence. That's what was crazy. That's amazing. These big bad girls are creamy, satisfying, comma, sorry, creamy, comma, satisfying, comma, and with a little brown butter and sage, comma, perfection period. It's almost like I thought like, no, no, no, unless, you know. It was sort of like a kombucha girl, like, ugh.

It's like when you're fishing, oh, kombucha girl. When you're fishing and you give a little slack, you know, and then you go. It just got onto my FYP. I think so, yeah. Wait, are you memeing? Oh, okay, sorry. I was joking,

because that meme came out like eight years ago. To the party, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, your turn. Her name's Christine too, she's saying. She knows Jenna Marvel so, so she wins. Not that I'm keeping score. I think about Jenna Marbles so much

and I wasn't even like a regular viewer of hers. I think about her very often. Like man. Very often. What a... And then yesterday on my YouTube, it just like came up recommended videos and you know, as you know well, it's usually like reset your nervous system with this

by cracking your ear this way, and you're like, what? And then I'm like, listen to the pure tones of the universe, they'll bring you alignment, and you're like, what? But yesterday I went on YouTube and I was like, Jenna Marbles, and usually it's like, oh, a compilation or something, but it was like her old video just popping back up from nine years ago,

and it said, recommended for you, and it said mask which mascara is best to cry in and I'm like I've watched this video 400 times like why are you throwing it up now but maybe I need it I think I needed it anyway so yeah just she has a way your mascara looks great despite all the tears so yeah I thought it was a tutorial so I kept testing it out. Anyway, here we go. This is from Trista Sheher. It's of, you don't happen to have my notes open, do you? No, do I have to?

Yeah, here, I'll just text. It wouldn't be hard, okay, yeah, text me. Text them to you. I just wanna hear your take on what this looks like. Wow. Okay, okay, good, because that's not what I felt when I saw it. Holy moly.

Can you explain it, please? It's from Amazon. This is, I assume, for preppers or just someone with a big family or just someone like me who eats a lot of beans. This is a big family or Alexander 24 pound, 10.89 kilogram bucket of black beans. It's a kind that like that says just add water.

It's the kind that the pound uses for cat food that are like indestructible, pale, plastic. Bucket does not do it justice. This thing is a tub and a half. And at the bottom it says, food storage, emergencies, everyday food, meat slash protein, food storage, emergencies. What, meat slash, okay, here, Alex Inter.

It repeats. I'm sending you a picture. It is 236 servings. This is the example in the like how to use this. And I'm like, nobody is making those beautiful nachos with sour cream at like the end of days or whatever, like an emergency meal. I mean, if you put those-

Beautiful plate of nachos really well presented. And then you put freeze dried beans all over it. But like not even that many beans. But it's like, why did you have shredded- No, they're probably just like, not freeze dry. They're just dry beans. They're dehydrated. They're just normal dry beans, right?

Oh, okay. I thought they were. Well, the way they said just add water made me feel like really concerned, but I guess it means add water. That's true for like any beans, right? Right, like cook them, like add water to pasta also, I guess, but not just add water, like add hot boiling water.

But this is 236 servings at once. How much does this cost? Do you have the price? Oh yeah, I guess but not just add water like add hot boiling water, but this is 236 servings at once How much does this cost you have the price? Oh, yeah, I do. It's 65 99 Which cost two dollars seventy five cents a pale or a pound. Excuse me And I can get it By Tuesday April 29th and it's Sunday April 27, so I guess maybe I should reactivate my Amazon account Yeah, that's definitely gonna be worth it. Oh Alexander this is bad it gets so much worse there's something called the Entree Kit that you can also buy. Oh no! Oh no! Tortilla chips just add water. Yeah basically. Oh no let

me see what's on here. Oh. There's like MREs. So many soups. And here, I'm just gonna say, I don't even know. They don't even, the wildest part is- Like a lobster bisque, just add water. Right, that's like kind of what I'm getting.

Clam chowder, just add water. Look at the bucket. The bucket's even more industrial. Like it looks like a composting bucket. It's quite tall. 120 servings, of what? Of what? It doesn't say. It just says emergency entree kit, 120 servings of what? Of what? It doesn't say.

It just says emergency entree kit, 120 servings and then- They have like spaghetti bolognese. A bunch of different average 2000 plus calories per day for one person. Do you know what it reminds me of? Tell me. Cloud Cuckoo Land niche reference when, not that niche, but you know, for this topic, niche reference, when she has the nutrient pouches. Yeah, yeah. You can print out your food

This is that's what this is giving. Yeah Not in a good way Not in a good way not in a good way. If that wasn't clear people. Um, yeah, so this is this is uh, Trista found this and sent this in i'm excited. I get a review of this tub tub and a half Honestly, i'm excited for you This is a five-star view by steven coincidence. I get a review of this tub tub and a half. I'm so excited. Honestly, I'm excited for you This is a five-star review by Stephen. Hmm coincidence. I think not the title is References from our bonus. Oh shit. I thought that was in this one. I really I was like nailed it

Oh, that was pretty good. Um, I'm so glad we're not gonna talk about that again So yeah, if you want to know I promise you don't. Okay, Five Stars by Steven. The title of this review is Waiting for the End. It's a verified purchase. How can I review this product when I'm saving it for the end of the world? I guess the container is nice. End of review.

Amazon's like, I know the world. They have a point. I don't know if it's a good point, but they have a point. They have a point. It's exactly what I was thinking. Cause Amazon's obviously like, just give us five stars. It's fine, just know the world. They have a point, I don't know if it's a good point, but they have a point. They have a point, it's exactly what I was thinking. Cause Amazon's obviously like, just give us five stars. It's fine, just give me five stars. But it's like, but theoretically, yeah, it doesn't really,

you can't really know if you're using this for, for preferable purposes. But there are other things to rate it. And also, if you're buying it like this, you're not buying it for taste. If you're buying it for the end of the world. Good point. So, I don't know.

Imagine that you get to the end of the world and you're like, finally those black beans and then you start using them and you're like, these are disgusting, but you've already left five stars and now the grid is down. How are you gonna update that review? You have to go into the basically dystopian afterlife. No, you gave five stars.

Afterlife, oh, we're dead? The beans joined us in the afterlife Or we're going at like do you know that you're very easy? You know you bring your reviews with you when you die, right? You know, they follow you right? I thought that was only for yelp elite You know when they have the scale in ancient Egypt and they're weighing a feather versus like you're at misdeeds Yelp reviews count on there. I don't know about that. Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that. Yeah, it's in the Book of the Dead Jesus I haven't read it yet. It's on my it's on my goodreads list. It's on my coffee table

So if you want to come over and read it I also have a coloring with all the coffee rings the stains from putting your glass on and the water rings Yeah, I've never actually opened it up, but I'm pretty sure that it's gonna tell you exactly what I just said. Got it. Oh, it's my turn. You leaned in. Oh, by the way, hey, another review about people dying at the end of the world. So like, what is going on with me? That's true. Nothing good. And it's weird because like with Beans, it's like, okay, end of the world world I could see the connection of like, oh, they're shelf stable foods.

But then all the other ones had nothing to do with the fact that they're shelf stable. It had to do with they smelled so bad of gas that they almost killed my family. My husband died of some unrelated bean issue. My friend loved jelly beans. It's like none of them actually had anything to do with um Their shelf stability even though I'd argue it's most important here. That's a main selling point. Mm-hmm I agree and also yeah, you can review beans for all sorts of things just the fact they bring me joy

I don't have to eat them just their existence alone. Exactly five stars. It's also a nice container that's alone. Exactly. Five stars. It's also a nice container. That's even better point. Here we go. I have a Rancho Gordo review sent in by Flanfo, okay? Oh. But this is of the King City Pinks. Whoa. Yeah. Look like the girls from the Grease? You don't remember that scene with her beans? Oh, wait a second. This is an heirloom bean from King City, California. Has a rich history in a dreamy bean broth.

This isn't the review, this is a description. It has a thin skin and a dense yet creamy interior. They have like cooking suggestions, cooking instructions. Yeah. And then people review with videos, photos, etc. Of just the type of bean, I love that. Of just all these specific bean types. Here's a five-star review, titled, Among My Favorite Beans.

This bean is virtuous. It tastes very good. It cooks quickly, approximately one hour. It has thin skin and a creamy texture. End of review. Okay, yeah, this one went the opposite way. I didn't like where we. You didn't like it? I didn't like thin skin. Yeah, you heard virtuous and you're like, I'm out.

Yeah, it sounds like too Handmaid's Tale-y for me. Like, I don't want my beans to be virtuous. I wanna party with my beans, you know? Oh, no. Get some garlic sage butter up in there. Oh, you added garlic this time. I did I added it the first time I just didn't tell you. Oh yeah okay well maybe next time tell me. I had to come clean. Because I can't eat garlic and my spouse passed away. Oh no! I was hoping you'd

pick up on it before. I can't eat garlic. I didn't. Not from I can't eat garlic. Maybe I should have. No, I don't know. No one else did. Oh, man. Oh. Oh. Oh.

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Nutrifol is offering our listeners $10 off any order. Enjoy free shipping when you subscribe. Go to Nutrifol.com and enter the promo code Beach2SandyGift. Nutrifol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code Beach2SandyGift. That's Nutrifol. com promo code beach to sandy gift This is from Anna she her and it's of Whole Foods brand so 365 Whole Foods market organic cannellini beans

And this is a one-star review by Laura called soggy. I'm gonna immediately, end of review. No. I'm sorry. Oh, that was from Anna, did I say that? Did they think it was cereal? I don't like it. Tastes like cardboard, then gets very soggy in milk.

It's so upsetting. Like only in milk? It's like really not good for me. And this is of the product on Amazon. So, and it says verified purchase. Just saying. I don't like that. I'm not a fan of that.

I'm not a fan. I'll excuse a lot of bean behavior. That is not bean behavior that I'm going to try to excuse. You know what that is? That's bean misbehavior. Bean misbehavior. Yes it is. Yes it is. I'm glad Bean misbehavior? Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

I'm glad you called it out as such. Thank you. Me too. Let's get back to good bean behavior. This is a five-star review of those King City pinks. This is also from Flampho, of course, entitled The Bean of My Dreams. These are everything I look for in a bean and more.

Absolutely amazing. They are so unbelievably creamy, yet still hold their shape. Rich, deep, dark bean broth that is otherworldly. They are outstanding with only a little salt added. Nothing more. I cannot put into words how good these are. Christine, no more. No more garlic.

My new favorite bean. End of review. That was beautiful. Everything's just so positive and just, oh, I love a good bean review. You guys are biased. You're biased on your review. I had so much fun with these.

I tried one of those once, but it got so soggy in my milk that I had to basically just drink it. Yeah. That was... that's so gross. That's so disgusting. Okay. I could picture you and then you were like... Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Never mind. I'm stopping. What did I say earlier? It's cutting out. What did I say earlier? It's cutting out. Samantha Sheher sent this one in. It's a three-star review of a place called Crazy Beans. Oh, it's a coffee shop? It's a coffee shop. Those are beans. First of all, I was waiting for her to say something like that. He already said the legume thing, but then he punished himself for that, so I felt like I should just let it sit, and I did, and I'm so thankful,

because it happened again. It was a mistake. That one was a mistake. I think coffee beans are real beans. Okay. Forgive me. Peanuts are not real beans. What?

Peanuts are not real beans. No, I would agree with that. Okay, good. So these are, okay, so Samantha sent this. It's a three-star view by Heather of this place, Crazy Beans. It does have a photo, but I will give you a warning. It's hard to see.

Of course it's milk in it. Oh my God, there probably is. I love Crazy Beans. I come all the time to this location as well as Greenport, but I am currently inside of the Stony Brook location and there is a girl and her boyfriend sitting here with a lizard. Why is a bearded dragon permitted inside a restaurant?

The hostesses know about it too. It was on her shoulder when she came in. They claimed it was a service animal, but I guess hostesses can't ask for proof. End of review. And then there's a picture and it's like really hard to see. So I actually don't even see, it's too blurry, but the picture on Yelp has a caption,

a bearded dragon in crazy beans. Two people found that helpful. I can't imagine why. I find it helpful because now I know where to go for my beans. If you were just sitting in a coffee shop and someone said would you like somebody over there to be holding? To be holding a bearded dragon or no, like why would you say no? I don't know unless you had like a sincere like phobia or you know, or allergy

To the bearded dragon something that was gonna like or a trigger something like really rough But like in most scenarios it's like, why not? It's over there. It's not like you have to hold it and take care of it during your coffee break. And that's not something I'm too worried about it escaping. Yeah, you can almost even like turn

and not even worry about it. You know, if you're bored, if you're bored, you can at least kind of glance over and be like, that guy's still there. Now I have a story to tell at the water cooler later. Man, that's so cool. I want to see a bearded dragon in person. Yeah, why not? I genuinely don't understand like, it's like whatever. Whatever. Yeah, as long as a bearded dragon is mining its own business I've

sound it looks you should mind your own business it looks it looks pretty nosy though I can't guarantee that okay I see this is my final bean review also flan foe sent this one and this is of good mother's dollard, stoward bean, I have no fucking idea. S-T-A-L-L-A-R-D. Okay. And oh, a pound of this is $7.50. Oh my. So those other black beans were what, $2 a pound?

Yeah, 250 a pound. These are 750 a pound, which seems reasonable, you know, I don't know. They're from mother. An heirloom bean. They're from mother's dollard, I don't know. For like an heirloom bean. I don't know. She can charge an upcharge if she wants to. I feel like a pound of dry beans. That's a lot of beans.

$7 was it? $7.50. That's a lot of money for a pound of dry beans. Yes, I agree with you. No, it is, but you get a lot of beans. So it's like if you want the best beans. If you're looking for like a particular type, yes. This is probably like, if I get really into any type

of cuisine, clearly the way I've been talking, you think I am already that into beans. But the thing is I just love beans for their like simplicity. You literally told us you wanted to just see it out. If I can't, I don't think any of us think you're already a connoisseur. I'm not a connoisseur, yes, exactly. But if I were to become one, this feels like

the cost of entry is fairly low. Because a pound of beans for someone who lives by himself will go a long way. Five bucks extra for a really fun experience. Yeah, this is what a latte cost here in New York, or tequila, the top tier stuff is gonna cost you more than five bucks a pound. Exactly. So if I want the best of the best beans,

I pay 750 for a pound. We should do a debate show where we each get, we get assigned a topic of something, like a side and we have to argue it. Cause I wonder how- You have said this before. I have? Yes.

Oh my God. I can't believe I didn't remember saying that. I actually can't either. So yeah, wait, what, like what's, what's the example you're thinking of right now? Yes to beans or no to beans? Like pro-bean, anti-bean? But not even that vague, like more specific.

Like really specific? Like seven dollars and fifty cents is really expensive for a bag of beans and then we just argue it for no reason, you know? Like one of you says it is expensive, one of you said it. Sounds like it would be the most exhausting podcast to listen to. That sounds like the time the hamburger price. We also already do that. Yeah, we do already. The hamburger price. No. You heard us, but we did that.

I forgot about that. I already did that. Oh my gosh. Never mind, I already did that. Okay, are you done with yours? No, I haven't even read the review. Oh. I'll wait. No, I was looking at this. I was looking at all the different heirloom

beans. 750 is the high end. Like of these heirloom beans, it seems. At least on the first page of heirloom beans, I didn't click next. Here's a review of the mother good mother Mother Stallard means five stars titled after a long, long wait. Which one? Okay, this is amazing. These were starting to become like Bigfoot or El Dorado or Santa Claus for me. They were legendary yet so elusive, I started to believe they were imaginary

or just a fib we pass down to our children to carry on tradition and let them have a fun childhood. Wait, what were the three examples? Santa? Bigfoot, El Dorado, Santa Claus. Okay, I'm just making sure I'm okay. I'm following it. Yeah, yeah. After scoring a bag though and finally cooking them up with a little garlic, all I can say is that yes, Virginia, there is a good Mother Staller and she really is good. In fact, she's great and she's my entire family's new favorite. I don't know, but I feel like it's a reference

that I probably should have looked up before or something, I don't really know. I mean, it could be she's literally talking to somebody. It's from Virginia, so. Oh, it she's literally talking to it's from Virginia. So oh, it's Virginia Oh, it's from are from most likely bred in Virginia and given its memorable memorable name in the 1930s We've been growing blah blah blah It's memorable that her it's named after a lady That's what's memorable

We're talking about it. I mean, honestly, I can't stop talking about it named after a lady? Good Mother Stowler. That's what's memorable? We're talking about it. I mean, honestly, I can't stop talking about it. Yeah. Ew, I typed in Good Mother S and it said, Good Mother Dunn, Good Mother Sun Dance Example. Oh no. Good Mother Stowler.

I do have to get ready for the cotillion. Yeah, yikes. OK, I'm not even done with this review. Oh, they're beautiful beans. All of them are. They're so pretty. Look at them. They're like marbled. Looks like incredible. That's the look like they look like a Jasper.

I don't know. I don't know what you're saying. I don't either. Sarsaparilla. OK. Yeah. We love the flavor, the color, the shape, the mouthfeel, the potlicker, the everything, the complete essence of this bean. Now to wait for more and dream of the day when we have them again. End of review.

Wow, dream of the day. Oh my God. Imagine if you could buy that like gigantic industrial sized tub of the mother stoddard beans. Do you think that that would be smart or not? How much would that be? Like $700? No. Right. It would be several hundred dollars at least. No. It you know what? It sounds good. I would do it. I'm so pissed off at myself that I went on the Amazon rabbit hole before realizing I was not in Incognito. Incognito because now it's gonna think I'm a prepper. I guess it's a good thing. I don't really use it anymore. There you go. That's that's the motivation. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I suppose that's right.

Okay, I have one here. This is from Julio, he him. Ever heard of him? He sent- Oh, Jesus, yes. He sent these like two days ago. And I was like, he's on thin ice, this guy. Cause he's texting me and he goes,

Oh, I hope you haven't recorded. And I was like, what if we had, you just wasted so much time. You sent us like three emails of like very in-depth stuff and then I was like, but you're in luck. Cause I was sick and then Alexander was sick and then I was traveling and then he had visitors and then for that reason, Julio, you get to be the finale.

Okay, are you happy now? Until my challenge. Until your challenge. Then it's not about you anymore. It's the Bean finale though. And this is a review on Common Sense Media of the Mr. Bean movie. Oh no.

Featuring, starring Rowan Atkinson. It's called Bean, the ultimate disaster movie. And it did come out in 1997. And I'm sure we watched it. What, yeah, we loved this movie. We loved this film. I remember being a little bit really upset about when there's a piece of candy

and somebody getting surgery and then he eats it. That part. And I only remember that because it was in a review and I went, oh yeah, I forgot about that. I didn't remember that one. Well, they did mention in the review, they gave it the credit that it was washed off first. And I went, I don't, okay, that's good.

It's just wild to see what people think, because some of the people in this review are like, there are people getting shot in this movie. And the people in the, go, this is not for children. There was a scene where a doctor was performing surgery. And I was like, what about all the guns? Oh, okay. Anyway, it's just wild to see what people

will kind of like get alarmed by. And I was alarmed by the surgery, obviously, not the guns. Of course, Julio mentioned one user called PP2018. Julio mentioned one user called PP 2018. And what's that? Seven year, a seven year old born in 2018. PP 2018. I don't know. Maybe it's like the year they graduated high school.

I have no idea. I have no clue. But this or maybe the year they made the account, probably. But this is a two starstar review called very disappointing this movie was not funny at all mr. bean is a very bad example and if the movie came I'm inclined to agree so far so good mr. bean is a very bad example. And if the movie continued, he would be put in jail for life. Yeah, for interfering with a life-saving operation and eating candy.

Someone's like, put this man behind bars now. He's a risk. Lock him up. He is a detriment and a risk to our community's safety. Has this child never seen a movie before? I know, have you seen like, dude, where's my car? Like that's gonna be so confusing. I have a feeling this child has not seen dude

because PP 2018 has not. Are you sure? Because my first thought is Ashton Kutcher all the way. Okay, this movie is not funny at all. Mr. Bean is a very bad example and if the movie continued he would be put in jail. If the movie continued. It did, there was a sequel. It was 90 minutes, how much longer did it have to go? It's crazy, the sequel is his life behind bars and then the third one is executed. Oh my God, that's right. The fourth one's when he brings all his Yelp reviews

to the River Styx and they have to weigh them. And then this child literally says, I hope no one in the real world is anything like Mr. Bean. Yeah, me too. Also, it was gross and it was obviously trying desperately to be funny. Everybody was very bad role models. End of review. Boring way to watch movies.

Yeah. I want to find a role model. I want to find a new dad in this movie. I want to find, I hope Rowan Atkinson can turn me into the man I want to be someday, you know? And now this is what he sent next. This is called A Bean Collector's Window dot com. It's written, it's written in comic sans. It's really delightful. It's neon. It's, it's about Russ and he is really into beans. Oh cool! And he has this beautiful picture at the top. And so Julia sent me this.

Getting dizzy looking at it. It's a bunch of beans. Yeah, and it reminded me of the meme I posted like two days ago on Instagram. That was that picture from the Simpsons of the old guy opening a drawer. And it says like, you know, boomers, autism didn't exist in my day.

And then it's like everyone's grandpa like opens a drawer and it has, this is my drawer for specific lengths of wire. Like I just keep them in this drawer. And it's like, this is what this energy is, the kind of bean collecting, I just love it. And just like fixated on the beans, I'm all about it. He's literally a member of Seed Savers Exchange. That's sick.

Yeah, there's just a lot in here that's just really enjoyable. And the thing that Julio pointed out is that at the bottom there's a, on the mobile site, there's a credit to the headshot. Okay, it says header image. I thought it said headshot. Oh.

Julio also thought it said headshot. Cause the headshot is just like clearly a timer on a digital camera and so we saw it. Oh, credit for the headshot goes to so-and-so. Turns out it's just the header picture. It's not clearly that's a well-done photo. You don't have photos that look half that good. Me? No, I don't. Yeah. But I've also never had to give credit to anybody for taking them. Anyway, you can even buy them from here, from him. Wow. Not only a collector, but a salesperson. Yeah, he sells them for five bucks. Holy moly. Five bucks a bean? Here's an important message. I will not be taking a winter break. Oh, thank goodness. Yeah.

The beans might be sleeping, but... It's just exciting. The Bean Boys working hard. There are so many reviews of beans on this website. Okay, do you have do you have a specific one for us? You're gonna read every single one? I'm not gonna read any of them. Well...

Well, okay then everybody go to go to a bean collectors window dot com I guess for that content. We were going to talk about how the how the headshot was taken by some other guy but now we're not because it wasn't. And it says header image are you sure they don't mean the like picture of the beans? That's what I'm saying. I just realized they meant the picture of the beans. I thought Julia thought it was the headshot. We were like so delighted that he had a photographer come in. Wow this is embarrassing for you. It is embarrassing okay? Now the next thing I have is... Good. I was like that's our big fanatic. The next thing I have is Pinto... Good. I was like, that's our big finale. The next thing I have is Pinto McBean, world's largest Pinto bean. Hang on.

Let me send you the... Yeah, you got to see this link. This is also from Julio. Yeah, I can tell. Yeah, I can tell. I'm texting you the link. Here it is. To just like the main Google page.

Pinto McBean. I love Pinto McBean. I knew you would. I think Julian knew you would. My god. Incredible. I love how he has a gun. He openly actively is carrying a weapon. And he has his hand on the actual butt of the gun. He's ready to draw. That smile says I've killed before I'll kill again. Oh yeah those eyes. What's with you and all these killings? Those certainly do. Now all your reviews about death and now you've got a killer Pinto Bean as our finale? That's right! That's my finale! I do have reviews of this one that Julio sent. I'm gonna just read one of them and this will be the way we go out and the way we go out. I want to go out by giant Pinto Bean. She ended our Patreon bonus episode saying,

hopefully we'll be here next month or something. I don't know. And I was like, why wouldn't we be? It was really dramatic. I think I felt the dread of the Bean episode and like just looming, you know. You knew that this Bean would come out and come and get us.

You know what I felt? I felt it lagooning. I kinda like that one. Thank you. It was pretty bad, but I liked it. It feels like Pinto McBean. Do you see the animated one? Animated what if you look at the front page? Of the New York Times Page of Pinto McBean's Google page the top Link that shows up says meet Pinto McBean. This is in Alberta, by the way. Yeah, meet Pinto McBean.

Look at the animated little graphic next to it, where his hands and legs are feet are not attached. It's not moving on my phone. Oh. He's animated. No, I'm sorry. He's animated like illustrated. Oh, illustrated. He's just drawn. I thought someone was moving. Oh, yeah, beautiful. Sorry. He's not? No, I'm sorry. He's animated like illustrated. Oh, illustrated.

I thought someone was moving. Oh yeah, beautiful. Sorry. He's not moving at all. Floating hands? He's just standing there. Why does he have a gun? I'm not sure about that. I don't know. We're in Canada. So I'm like, okay, I guess. Yeah, but it's Alberta. That's true.

And so here's a five star view. By Elliot. Alberta. That's true. And so here's a five star view by Elliot. Visiting McBean was a surreal experience to say the least. Everything about the sculpture was spot on from his gun to his famous Pinto hat. By the way, Julia told me that Pinto in... Is he like a local like, let like is this... His famous, his famous weapon. Yeah, is this is a thing? Well, apparently Pinto in Portuguese means penis or dick,

Julio told me. So that was really helpful, Julio. That's really helpful. Thank you. He's wearing his penis hat, I guess. From his gun to his famous Pinto hat. I was honored to even take a peek at the bean himself. Do you know how tall the statue is?

No. 18 feet. I was about to say too tall. at the bean himself. Do you know how tall the statue is? No. 18 feet. I was about to say too tall and I was right. Well, it says an 18 foot high statue. So maybe with the pedestal or whatever, if there's one, I forget. But it's the town of Bow Island. They're probably pronounced it Bow or something stupid.

Sorry. What was that recently? Okay. Oh, Cheney Washington. I said Cheney cause it was C-H-E-N-E-Y. And someone was like, yeah, it's actually Cheney. But they said, you wouldn't know that unless you're from here. They know better. Yeah, they were not mad about it.

They understood. But anyway, the town of Bow Island is well known for the dry edible bean industry. Yeah, obviously, I was going to say, why else would it be there? Honestly, I would trade that for Cincinnati being like the slaughterhouse capital of the fucking world at one point. Oh, yeah. The roads ran with blood. That's cool. I guess everyone got diseases. Yeah, it was pretty bad. But yeah, an 18 foot high statue of the mascot Pinto McBean is located adjacent to highway number three and greets everyone coming into town. And you think like, well, that's not very badass, like Pig Blood Ranks history.

Then you see his gun and you're like, I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't mean to imply you weren't just as down and dirty as those pig soldiers. Down and dirty is right. Okay. I was honored to even take a peek at the bean himself. Would recommend to bring close friends and family members with you for support. McBean can be a very scary bean.

He does fire his gun occasionally to scare away the average tourist at times. End of review. 12 people found this helpful. This bean would kill us. This bean will kill unsuspecting tourists. After this episode we would get shot by this friendly looking bean with a gun. Take me out. You know what? Pinto McBean. Take me out Pinto McBean. Of all ways to go. Like what did uh I just I'm rewatching New Girl which is like I went out the old-fashioned way or no no it's not him it's no it's not new girl I'm

embarrassing it's from Parks and Rec it's what's his face says I got rich the old fashion way getting hit by Alexis John Ralph you yeah John Ralph I think um but that'll be you with Pinto McBean shooting yeah I went out the old fashion way I got shot by a giant bow island knows you um the old-fashioned way I got shot by a giant bow island knows you I don't think this island what it's friends bow it's not it's not even a fucking island bow of a ship no it probably is Christina I don't know it's not even an island it's just in the middle of nowhere I love I want to go there they have a Tim Hortons and the largest Pinto bean. That's about it.

Literally, what more do you want? I would love to visit. John Pinto is an artist who lives in Orlando, Florida. Wait, hold on. That's a wrong Pinto bean. Designed by Jane Osborne. That's a wrong Pinto with a gun. Oh my God.

What's happening? I don't know. What's happening is we're gonna be... You will? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ad Center. I was about to transition into the next thing. Tell me about Pinto. Ad Center, be quiet. Listen. You will notice Pinto McBean is a cartoon character who has M&M eyes and veggie tail arms and feet. Oh, that is Mr. Pinto has allowed us to use the new version of Pinto McBean for our 100th centennial celebration. This is the centennial Pinto. How generous. For $400,000. for $400,000. I mean, that's only half of what they make in the edible bean market each year. Amen. Also, I'm really bummed because it doesn't tell me when this was written. So I don't even know when the centennial was, like if this was 50 years ago,

right? Like, I don't know. I don't know. Veggie. It's like, you obviously can see he's from VeggieTales. Like, yeah, I see it. I see it. Do you? Yeah. I don't. The hands and feet. I feel like those feet, especially, right? The feet do look Veggie Tales. What about the gun? Who had that? Was that Veggie Tales 2? I don't think so. Oh my God. I don't think so. I love that every time they're like, but you have to include the gun. And the artist's like, we don't have a cartoon show worth a gun. Well, you just have to add one then.

Yeah, it looks pretty good. It's pretty like snappy. I don't like the eyes. I don't like them one bit. Eminem eyes. Those are obviously like famously the worst ones, I think. Famously only to me. Yeah, I didn't know that was famous You know why cuz they have like those eyelids

They do they're like doesn't have that Pinto has eyelids. I'm talking about the animated one This is the centennial version. I'm sending you a picture now. I know, that one, you're right. This is where I don't understand about why everyone thinks he's so cute. I think the actual statue is cute. I don't know about this cartoon.

I am not gonna insult any version of Pinto McBean. As long as Pinto McBean is holding a gun, I am not saying anything rude anymore from this point on. I think I said a lot of them rude things before but anymore Starting right now starting now Because now we have to hear something from a lovely patron who sent us a voicemail This one is from Betty and this is what Betty has to say this one This one's different.

This one's a mystery, okay? This is a mystery we need to solve. I will, I'm ready to do it. I don't think we can, but here we go. So this isn't a review. Maybe it should have been, but it's something I think about a lot, and I would like somebody else

to have to think about about a lot and I would like somebody else to have to think about it a lot now. But this happened when I moved to college. I moved to a whole different state. I moved to Iowa by myself. Never even been to the state before. And I was trying to maintain friends and have a big friend group. And so it was Halloween

and I wanted to make fun Halloween cocktails for everybody. So I thought, what do you put in a fun Halloween cocktail? You put food dye. So I went to Walmart to go get food dye for these cocktails I was making. And I go to Walmart and I was looking everywhere and I couldn't find the food dye. So I stopped an employee I saw that was stocking shelves and I looked at him and I couldn't find the food dye. So I stopped an employee I saw that was stocking

shelves and I looked at him and I said, Hi, I'm looking for the food dye. And this employee just looks at me for an uncomfortably long time. And so I said, you know, like, like food coloring, where can I find the food coloring? This man looks at me, quiet still, a little bit longer, and he goes over to the shelf next to him, still looking at me and reaches down and grabs something and holds it up and says, food coloring? And he had picked up a really big jar of applesauce and so I said oh

no thank you actually I'm good and I walked away because I didn't know what to do with him. What? And so I called my dad and I told him and I didn't have food coloring that day for my cocktails. But a few weeks later in the mail, my father had sent me a package of food coloring. So I did end up getting it. And I just have to think about that a lot. And now you do too. Wow.

Okay. So I thought about it. You know what it reminds me of? What? It reminds me of when we went to that steak house. Oh yeah, yeah. Oklahoma or wherever. And what did they say?

They were like bread for the table or something. They said our famous rolls. Our rolls, the rolls. And then all of a sudden they were like our famous rolls with butter. And then they brought like a thing of salted butter and we both were like, like I remember Googling later like roll Oklahoma question.

Like, is this like a thing? Had many people email us and comment theories about this. Yeah, yeah. And like, I don't know. I still don't really get it. I've got my own theories. That we'll get into someday. Anyway, this is what that felt like to me.

So I'm curious what your thought is about this applesauce thing. My thought is that the person didn't know what you were talking about and thought maybe you asked. Well, that is for sure. I don't think. Okay, all right. All right, but let me get more specific.

Really hot take. Yeah, really hot take. He did not know what was happening. But also I think maybe he was just like, why are you talking? Like, are you asking me because it's right here? Like I'll just, like it's, like I'm stocking shelves and you were like, excuse me,

and said something you didn't understand. And he's like, this? I don't know. Okay, yeah. That's my theory. Not that that's. It's not a very good one, but I mean, like it's. Okay, what do you think?

No, not that it's wrong. I'm just saying like, it's not very interesting. Coloring, holding up applesauce. No, I have no fucking wrong. I'm just saying like, it's not very interesting. Holding up applesauce. No, I have no fucking clue. I really don't. I feel like there's something that we're missing. Not that Betty's like holding back with info. I don't know, withholding info.

But I don't know. That just, this person was just, yeah. I just think this person had no idea what was going on. Maybe they were high or something, having a good time. Stocking shelves. I don't know. They looked a little too concerned in the way that it was painted to be having a good time. The way that was told it sounded and felt like Betty was reliving it as it felt a little traumatic. Yeah, yeah, sorry, Betty. Sorry that you went through that again,

but I appreciate it because I thought it was a great mystery. I bet that other person still is like, what on earth could that have meant? And I love how Betty's like, maybe it should have been. This isn't a review, but maybe it should have been. Maybe it should have been. Honestly, if we had read that review, I would have brought that to like, that is something that I'd read. If someone reviewed a Walmart and was like, explain that story. I'd be like, this is beautiful.

They handed me, I asked for food coloring and they handed me applesauce. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Well, thank you. And if you want to send in your own voicemail of whatever the hell you want, you can go to patreon.com slash beach to Sandy.

Now it is time for my challenge, which I hadn't mentioned what it was yet. Whoopsies. This is a challenge where I had to find reviews mentioning witnessing a rainbow. Yeah. And I've to find reviews mentioning, witnessing a rainbow. Yeah. And I've got five reviews here. All of them that I found because I was weirdly just, like I said, I did it pretty early

and I just got really into it. And I found what I thought was a good variety of locations. And yeah. Sometimes I was really good about this set. Thinks it's better than when patrons send them in. And he's like, sometimes it's- People send in great ones, I just feel really good about this set. Thinks it's better than when Patrons sent them in. And he's like, sometimes it's- People sending great ones, I think. Well, I read a couple that they're very similar because-

You think, speak on that. Look, I'm the professional. I know what's funny, no. The thing is, you'll see in a second, here is my first review. The thing is, you'll see in a second. Here is my first review. My first is of Shoshone Falls Park in Twin Falls. That's in Idaho, right?

Yeah. Okay, yes. Shoshone Falls Park. And this is a five-star review. I loved this stop with my dad. We got really lucky and saw a rainbow at the bottom of the waterfall. We even saw a marmot behind the bathrooms.

We went in April on Easter and it was fairly quiet. The grounds were clean too. End of review. We saw a marmot behind the bathrooms. Wow, should have led with that. Right in the middle of that review. Yeah, it didn't feel right being in the middle. It didn't feel right being in the middle. It didn't feel right being in the middle at all.

The beginning or the end. The hook or the punchline. It's got to be one of the two. The punchline can't be the grounds were clean too. Yeah, boring. It's got to be, we even saw Marmot behind the bathrooms. De Numeau. That's crazy. Yeah.

Cut it off. The end. Yeah. So that was that was one review. Here's another review. This is of the Department of Motor Vehicles Rancho Cucamonga in Rancho Cucamonga, California. This is a five star review. Oh, of the DMV. Okay, just checking. That's the thing is that first one was of a natural place where you'd expect to see one. Wow, this is whiplash a bit. Yeah, that's the thing. And first one was of a natural place where you'd expect to see one. Wow. This is whiplash. But yeah, that's the thing. And a lot of the emails were just as good

reviews of natural places. But I was like, look, look at the variety I'm bringing you. Just wait, just wait, look, just wait. Five stars. I walked in on a Saturday and everyone was very helpful and friendly and the wait was, I mean, there was almost no wait at all. It wasn't like a DMV at all. It was more like a happy wonderland of getting my car registration taken care of. When I walked in, I think I saw a rainbow and the Rancho Cucamonga sun

was this anthropomorphic smiley face as the automatic gate opened and I drove out with my new California license plates I got that very hour end of review for some reason the place later exploded in a big gas leak like what are you talking about you went in you went to teletubbies land at the fucking dmv being that quick was such an event that it changed their perspective on- Oh I see that like the sun became- Yeah. Sentient.

Yes. Wow. Yeah. I guess it's fair. I was so shocked at the five star of a DMV. I guess I should have known that was incoming. You really should have. Some sentient plant- celestial object. My next one is of Church of the Little Flower in Coral Gables, Florida. That's pretty.

I've never said that about a church, but that's a pretty name. And it is a pretty building. Nice. But not what it represents. I'm just kidding. Oh, I'm not kidding. Four stars. The Church of the Little Flower is a Roman Catholic church in Coral Gables, Florida,

founded in 1926. The church's domed 1951 building was constructed in Spanish Renaissance style in keeping with the Mediterranean revival architecture for which Coral Gables is noted. Christmas does something for sure to make you re-evaluate your life. Where are you right now? Are you happy? Are you now? Are you happy? Are you fulfilled? Are you content?

Are you lonely? Are you sad? Are you surrounded by people who love you and care for you? Who is not in your life right now that should be? Today hit me hard, and for some reason I turned up at this place right at the very time the doors were open for Christmas Eve Mass. It was not planned, but I believe in fate and sometimes someone, somewhere, whoever it is, is giving me what I need at certain times.

I felt so completely desolate and alone today. I stood outside with my mask on, with tears pouring down my face right outside the Nativity scene and watched loads of people enter this beautiful church. A priest saw me and beckoned me in and I just smiled and declined. In that moment, I was compelled to go inside, but I wanted to be 100% safe. I also saw a rainbow today, and I feel my mom was walking with me today in my loneliness and sadness. To be noted, my mom died unexpectedly in England in late September and I was unable to get home. This church in Coral Gables is another gem, beautiful architecture and surrounding area.

End of review. I'm sorry. What the fuck? Why would you do that to me? You bring everyone dying, left and right. I bring one review. I'm just kidding. This one was a lot more emotional than the others I know it was very beautiful. I so poignant. I know it really was It's very sad and like very much of its time 2020 December 2020 Oh my gosh, like yeah the Chris the first Christmas post pandemic or you know during pre whatever not pre during

Just really uh, wow, that's a doozy man yeah yeah wow anyway sorry everyone for that like like I said I got all sorts of reviews here I have to add crying to my journal which like I've got a trauma to my daily journal. Which is the Noah's Ark replica in Kentucky that is by the Creation Museum. Here is a one-star review of the Ark Encounter. If you reject all science, technology, and critical thinking, then this place is for you. Love the Rainbow Pride Archway, though.

End of review. The Rainbow Pride Archway. Because they're known for having a rainbow into their place. And they're like, we're taking it back. But then a lot of reviews are like, oh my God, I love the LGBTQ plus pride Representation. Yeah. Oh my god

Amazing. That's amazing. I'm sorry for that whiplash I just realized I did like a Catholic Church review and then that it wasn't even intentional to be back to back It was hurtful really poignant whether or not it was intentional. It was hurtful. Um, but now This one I thought was my most unique one. And this is the last this is my last one. Oh god This is I just I don't know here we go, this is of Washington eye specialists in Washington DC. This is a one-star review in Washington DC. This is a one star review. Dr. George was the worst eye doctor I have ever seen.

He gave me eye drops and refused to protect my eyes upon leaving. He told me to purchase my own glasses. I saw a rainbow of colors while attempting to get home. I felt worse. End of review. No, I saw a rainbow of colors. I thought we'd run the gamut, you know?

Imagine calling him being like, I just saw a rainbow, these glasses are not working. And it's like, no, not that kind of rain. Not the kind that the Catholics are taking back. The other kind. Yeah. Not that one. Yeah. Oh my God. Alexander, that was really good. I just really weirdly had fun with that one. I'm very impressed. When I researched, I just remember being like so giddy to try to find five very different things. There's something fun about like the hunt of those like very specific reviews. Yeah. I will say maybe next time we'll be more specific like reviews of rainbows from places with bad carpets to like include DMV in places, you know, like to include like To include off, you know,

cause then you're, but then we'd miss the marmot and I would not want to miss the marmot. Exactly. And gosh, there was one I read and I was thinking of swapping it out for my own. Like that mentioned a different animal and I'm sorry to whoever you are that I'm forgetting, but I was like, ooh, that's pretty good.

What was the animal? I think it was a turtle, if I remember correctly. Oh, wow. But I don't know if it was a turtle or the place was the name turtle something. Anyway, anything with animals, I'm usually like, ooh, I'm tempted, because those mean good reviews. Bearded dragon, hello? Imagine you see a bearded dragon and a rainbow at the bean place, the coffee bean.

I just automatically see a rainbow if I see a bearded dragon. It just kind of auto-populates. You gotta see your optometrist about that. I did, and he keeps giving me these glasses that make me see rainbows everywhere. Oh boy. What a good job, good job, Tani.

Well, this was fun. That was a fun one, thank you. Thank you for that challenge, whoever came up with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was actually really fun, so yeah. well, if you haven't gotten your tickets yet to our live tour, we're going to like 16 places or something, maybe a 17th come in, who knows. And yeah, you can get tickets now.

beachsuesandee.com slash tour has the full list of them and all tickets are for sale and we can't wait to see you all. And some places selling pretty good. Yeah. I'm really excited. Florida, maybe not as much, but I think Floridians are scared. I think they're cowards. You know, that's where the artist Mr. Pinto was from and he let them use.

Yeah. He let them, he let them use the veggie tails. So they're very generous, but they added a gun to it and I think he's out for a ribbon. She's like, I never added a gun to the VeggieTales. Oh, so he's running around with his paintbrush. I'll get you, Pinto Bean. Pinto Bean's like, I don't even think about you. Oh my god.

Sorry. I'm sorry. That's basic. That has to be what happens. Yeah, I think that's... And also, by the way, we watched another episode of Naughty on Patreon and it's just so stupid. I just uploaded that today, yeah.

I noticed. Finally. And everyone said, oh, it's, someone was like, oh, I just came from Christine's most depressing episode ever. This was so needed. And I'm like, you're welcome. I did perfectly by accident. You and I are doing the things that I also need, which is like a break from thinking

about all of that bad stuff. Naughty, yeah. Yeah. Never. Oh boy. Alrighty, thanks everyone for hanging out. We'll see you next week. We'll see you soon.

Bye!