Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 34: Walmarts in Sioux Falls, SD

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

Calling all Walmartians! We came out of our basement to bring you an episode chock full of glory holes and racism. But don't worry, Christine left her teen greeters down there with the hair and stains. Needless to say, we hope you enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly welcome to beach to sandy water to wet a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and everyone in between. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your host, Christine. And I'm your other host, Alex.

And we're siblings. Did you plan all of that? That came out of nowhere. No, I'm feeling really improv-y today. Everyone listening is like, God, no, damn it. Well, I'm going to go by my script, which says that I am supposed to read a winner's review. Can you explain that? Yeah. We're doing a promotion through July, a giveaway, for people who leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts for Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet.

It's almost over, so if you haven't done it and you've been kind of on the fence, do it! Yeah, because you could win some Beach Too Sandy merchandise. It's pretty nice if I do say so myself. I love it. I do too. So who won? Our winner this week is Beanish. B-E-A-N-I-S-H.

Oh, how much I hope that that's their given name. This is titled Such a Cute Podcast. Cute, okay. Beanish has this to say. I want to be cute, but I am just so taken by the sibling pair and their wit and charm. I really like these people and I want you to listen. End of review. That's so kind. I thought it was just so kind and sweet and... They said they want to be cute? Yeah, but that was something that I wanted to tell the world that, Beanish, you are cute. Beanish, you're pretty freaking cute especially after that review

especially with that name well thank you Beanish you should have received a DM on Instagram for us and there you go you win guys leave a review if you haven't

that would be super nice for us and really helpful and we read them and it means a lot this week's theme was was is walmart in sioux falls south dakota god people improv just really click in here siblings are the worst last week i just want to say last week i did say that there's nothing to do in south dakota that was not very nice it wasn't so i'm here to make amends the south dakotans were really nice about it i'm gonna tell everyone that there's also nothing to do in north dakota oh i said none of these things i want no i partake in none of this well actually two people

uh commented on our facebook post today uh gia and alex and uh they were sad about my comment and then gia said yeah say that about north dakota so there you go so you're just everyone's unhappy instead of pleasing everyone you're just pissing off equally everyone. All like one and a half million of you. Okay, great. Glad we're doing this thing. Awesome. Let's get into that theme. I'm just kidding, everyone. I would love to visit. I hear they're both beautiful. I plan on visiting one day in my life. I hear the Walmarts are really terrible because I only read one-star reviews.

By the end of this, you know what I was so sick of? What? The reviews that just said it's a Walmart. It's a Walmart. At least 50 per Walmart. A lot of them. So 150 reviews. I saw one guy going through multiple Walmarts to write the same comment.

It seemed like he really had a lot of time on his hands. And he would write, Walmartians. I've never heard that one. It's on every single one-star review on every single Walmart location in South Dakota. Okay, but I love that term, so I appreciate that I have that in my lexicon. It is good. It is a good term. Okay, so who goes first term, so I appreciate that I have that in my lexicon. It is good. It is a good term.

Okay, so who goes first? How about you? Okay. This is a review from Taylor. It is of a Walmart in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I did not write the individual addresses down. They're all within like a mile. There are like three or four, maybe.

Three, I think. I don't know. So, this is from Taylor. Terrible, four, maybe. Three, I think. I don't know. So this is from Taylor. Terrible, terrible, terrible. Waited way longer than needed. Horrific customer service. Not to mention the metal bench I sat on was surrounded by stained walls and hair-covered floors. Makes me wonder what these employees are up to if they aren't helping their customers in a timely manner.

Pause. This is a throwback. I had to do this review because this is a throwback to Baron of Cream because it says a timely manner, but it's spelled M-A-N-O-R. So I just like to think, what are the employees up to in a timely manner? I don't know oh i'm picturing now all the walmart employees with a they have a huge huge estate out back however the manor apparently has stained walls and hair covers that's true that's pretty gross pretty foul manner uh cool helping their customers in a timely manner we'll be taking my mooney to Target next time. End of review.

Please tell me what a Mooney is. It's money with an extra O. Oh my god. That's that. I did not connect the dots there. Timely manners. Timely manner costs a lot of Mooney in South Dakota. Hey, maybe we're just not caught up in South Dakota lingo. It's happened before. Us beingingo. It's happened before.

Us being ignorant, it's happened before. No. And it will happen again. What? It's probably happening right now. Impossible. Your turn. Speaking of culture, let me, I have a review for you.

Okay. From JD. Great. Also of a Walmart in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. One star. Great. Had better from a glory hole in an Iowa truck stop. End of review.

Oh my God. What's the matter with you, JD? Well, JD, there is a question I'd like to put out to JD. Had what better? Yeah. I had the question and then I immediately decided I didn't want to know the answer. Did the Iowa truck stop have better glory holes had the question and then i immediately decided i didn't want to know the answer did the iowa truck stop have better glory holes than the walmart or

was just the experience lacking at the walmart compared to that iowa experience well tell me your theory cat food was cheaper at the glory hole okay so here's what happened after this so you we discussed this i was at my ramekin infusion texting you and i was distraught good times i feel like i'm always at ramekin when i'm doing this i don't know why um i was distraught because uh there were barely any reviews there are 14 reviews total of all the walmarts on yelp in south sudow falls south dakota they and then there were thousands on google reviews but you had already looked at google reviews so i was screwed so i had one chance i looked through there was nothing left you left me all the scraps yep and so instead i moved to different towns in

south dakota okay small towns so i figure i might as well just spread the wealth here reach our fans in those towns too so i moved first to pierre south dakota this is from trista isn't that the capital oh i think you're right yep wow isn't isn't that the seat of uh hughes county stop nice reading no last thing i i just remember reading that once uh that their population was 13,646 really the second least populous state capital in the united states after montpelier montpelier is that how they say it vermont oh man that's really weird because I remember one time that I read that the capital of Delaware was Dover. Wow.

Okay, cool. Let's go. This is a review from Trista in the capital of South Dakota, Pierre. It has 30,000 residents. I don't remember what you said. Honestly, me neither. Trista gave this Walmart one star. I asked if they sell cheese and they hung up. After a few. It's a very tragic tale.

She wove a tragic tale for us. Yeah. Sorry for your loss, Trista. She churned it. Good. She churned a tragic tale of cheese and misery oh yeah your turn why why would you call that for that to see if they have cheese if it's your first time ever going to a walmart maybe i get it or Or like, no, no, no. Let me rephrase. If it's the first time you've

ever heard of a Walmart, then I understand it. Otherwise, I just don't get it. You know why I don't understand it? Because if Trista has the wherewithal to go on Google reviews and write a review, then Trista has the wherewithal to type in Walmart, do they sell cheese? That's a very good point. And I'm sure it says yes, or at least their dairy section comes up. True. Who knows? Maybe Trista just needed some human connection. Cheese is very popular and they sell out very quick.

Could be. Could be. Your turn. I have a review, one-star review. Don't know how to say this name. J-A-M-A. Okay. Not the worst experience working here since it was a

temporary position but the asian assistant manager wasn't one of sorry i know oh no you you know it's a bad sign when they mention race was one of the most toxic people you can encounter or work for the entire place turned into a hostile cesspool. Like, dude, put your anime DVD collection aside and go read a book about proper management. Nobody wants your job, so you can stop torturing people trying to make a decent living. I worked alongside a redhead with violent tendencies. I wouldn't be qualified to work anywhere else, but because he was buddy-buddy with the assistant manager, I had to make sure he wasn't going to attack me or stab me during my shift. This place is a dump.

End of review. Now, when you say assistant manager, we mean the Asian assistant manager. Well, maybe. I need it clarified. Didn't clarify that time. I need it to be clarified for me, obviously, if it's anything but Caucasian. That's so... Um, or I guess redhead also.

Yes. That's not okay or cool in any way it's one of those things that happens a lot one of those things you just don't need to say it like everything else you it added nothing to the review except racism it added to our podcast added to our podcast thank you i did see of one review that was two stars and it said, my mom said, if I have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. And that's it? And that's it. And it was of Walmart.

And I was like, wait, but you're okay. Oh my God. That's hilarious, actually. Oh God. Okay. Well. I wish that were a cliche. That is the kind of cliche about reviews that I would like to see.

I think that's like just not helpful though though because then if you're giving shitty reviews and people are like i can't even do anything but we get those anyway when they're like really nasty like we get those like really racist ones that aren't critical at all they're just racist so i'd rather get one that's like oh my mother told me if I have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. About Asian managers, don't say anything at all. He ruined it. Oh, God. Just wait. I have one.

Give you a run for your money later. Okay, so this, I move down now to Mitchell, South Dakota. This is a one-star review by Steve, and Steve gave this review its own title, surrounded by several asterisks and capital letters. Pheasant Hunters, beware! Has anyone said that ever? Steve! Ever in history?

If I Google that right now with quotations, is that going to be the only result? I'd love it. Well, I think Steve has a blog called... Pheasant Hunters, beware! So there'll be two results got it pheasant hunters beware bought winchester 12 gauge four shot in a case to find out it was low brass junk came back the next day to exchange not return it and was treated like a dog by the manager who would sell low brass foreshot in South Dakota? Walmart. Walmart, that's who.

The manager said, guess we got you. I agree. That's funny from the manager. Probably not very appropriate, but pretty funny. Especially to a person with a gun. Yeah. Oh, good point. Maybe don't.

But the manager's behind the counter with more guns. Also, the gun brass junk so obviously it means it's not gonna do much if you're a pheasant hunter anyway that was full of things that i'd never like heard before so that was interesting yeah pheasant hunters um that's the number something something that's the main thing we haven't heard of uh i've heard of them much like i've heard of a gun but when it talks about the them being low brass junk i'm like who would sell that in south dakota i i wouldn't know it's a walmart i just told you sorry i would like you to please pay attention i'm really not to steve's blog okay your turn uh my next review is from isaac one star it does not need to be so very busy it's not like the end of the world or a nuclear bomb coming down straight at us and we need to come the only

store just leave the store less end of review i think at the end he did get hit by a nuclear some sort of nuclear radiation hit his keyboard Hit his keyboard or something. Absolutely. What is the last part? I just need to clarify. Okay, there's no punctuation. So, I just kind of winged it. Sure. Improv, you know? Improv. Um, so, after the part that says, a nuclear bomb coming down straight at us, it says, and we need to come, the only store, just leave the store less. Wow. And we need to come the... See, there's like nothing that...

Unless there's like a typo or an autocorrect, I have no idea. It's a riddle. It's a riddle. We get these sometimes. So there was something I was going to tell you about at the beginning that I forgot about. Okay, tell me now. About Helen McGuckin. Oh, yeah.

That they found her? I just want to tell you about it did you know that they okay so you know they found her so helen mcguckin and for those who don't remember from like two episodes ago yeah was um the what was it what city the river dogs yeah charleston river dogs and river dogs baseball team they'd gotten a one-star review from helen min, who said, drove by. Just drove by, two out of five stars. Yeah. That was her review of the team. They held a Helen McGuckin night, tried to encourage her to come and enjoy a baseball game and have a better experience.

And she did come. They found her. And yeah. So that's not totally correct. What? So Blaze sent me this article. Oh. They did find Helen.

Well, the graphic they put out, they put out promotions on video boards that said, Helen, give us a chance, and then had their phone number to try and get her to come, right? Okay, quote, one of our season ticket holders had a connection to her and a couple weeks ago she called in someone told me helen mcguckin is on the line and i thought they were joking but it was her she was definitely caught off guard but she got it she thought it was funny we told her you get the best seats in the house vip parking if you want to hear a billy joel song then you'll hear billy joel uh so she was on board but then a scheduling conflict caused her to renege on her commitment just a few days prior to the promotion so the river dogs concocted a plan b they went

through with helen mcguckin night but with another woman in the role of helen mcguckin no they got a fake helen mcguckin this is like a conspiracy of all this is a conspiracy to end conspiracies we asked our office manager cynthia linhart if she'd be willing to play along said current cynthia's tremendous but not someone who's used to being in front of a lot of people we said pretend it's administrative professionals appreciation day just be yourself and have fun but if people say hey helen feel free to wave at them so they found a fake what i feel so lied to i know i so it's just wild anyway so then i mean at least at least cynthia got i saw the picture of helen and helen mcguckin i'm like yep that's that's a helen mcguckin now i feel like an idiot that's a cynthia linhart if i ever saw one

anyway so i wanted to bring this conspiracy to the forefront. And what I do want to say is that the Hartford Yardgoats would never pull something like this. You think? I know. Portland Pickles would. Portland Pickles have a cucumber night. They give everyone cucumbers. I mean, they would never lie to their adoring fans.

Yeah, no, but I'm saying, saying like go to a portland pickles game get a cucumber uh-oh wait this is speaking of which if any of these teams want to host a beach shoe sandy night i was about to say listen to this last paragraph we ended up with a number of new five-star reviews last night people bought into it they had fun mcgawkins review was just so unique it wasn't mad it wasn't thrilled it was just bland and she has a funny name and in minor league baseball that was just a humorous perfect storm that got us an entire theme night i'm like okay that got us that got them a bunch of five stories maybe we need to host some theme nights yeah we should

i guess that's kind of the point of our episodes yeah let's have the wiffle ball tournament in our backyard or something oh okay uh okay that was a nice nice little break from these crazy walmart reviews just uh just remembered that i remembered i had something to say um okay so is it my turn it is go for it this is a three-star view we're still in mitchell south dakota uh home of pheasant hunters katherine gave this walmart and mitchell three stars they ran out of galoshes or anything of the sort end of review it's like a jd salinger novel oh my god it's a beautiful haiku do people say galoshes a lot no i mean maybe up there i guess for me that was such a weird word. Sounds like jalopy.

Okay, yeah. If someone said jalopy, I'd be like, that's not in Appalachia. If someone said a jalopy anywhere other than Appalachia, I'd be like, what? They ran out of jalopies. And galoshes. People in other countries who are listening are like, what the actual hell is wrong with Just Google it, because that's what we usually do with this stuff. So, pretty tragic tale.

They're all weaving some pretty tragic tales. South Dakota must be tough to live up there. It must be. Yeah. Yeah. All right, your turn. I've got a one-star review from Rebecca. Okay.

Wanted to buy a Sons of Anarchy DVD. The cashier said she couldn't sell it to me because it's Walmart's policy to card anyone who looks under 40 to purchase a DVD. Needless to say, I am 48 years old. I was in there two days ago and bought cigarettes and never got carded. And the guy in front of me bought a DVD and never got carded. Needless to say i said forget it what a joke they're up 70 because it was the boxed set and a review oh rebecca tragedy again again tragedy go to netflix here's the thing join join the 21st

century i have a review about dvds as well this is a little bit weird but rebecca my favorite line is they wouldn't sell to me to people and look needless to say i'm 48 i'm like it is not needless to say because who the hell how the hell am i supposed to know how old you are i do not think rebecca understands how to use the phrase needless to say except the second time it was correct, I guess. The guy in front of me bought a DVD and never got carded. Needless to say, I said forget it. We have noticed a trend of reviewers evolving within their own review.

So maybe that's what's happening. So anyone out there who's writing one-star reviews, maybe write a really long one and then delete the first half. Yeah, and then by the end you'll have regained some sort of humanity i don't know beautiful human being uh needless to say i'm 48 years old and they're out 80 bucks 70 bucks 70 that's a lot of money for a freaking sons of anarchy dvd yeah and that's actually, to me, an acceptable way to buy a DVD. Not that I haven't bought a DVD in the past year, I'm pretty sure.

Oh, I bought a Blu-ray. But my point is, like, a box set of something, if you can't access it online or whatever, yeah, that makes sense. Go to Walmart? Yeah, go to Walmart. Allie and I got the...

rented in Portland, there's a video store. We rented King of the Hill. That's how we watched King of the Hill. And then like a week later it was on Hulu. I don't have anything that plays a DVD anymore. Otherwise I would be more inclined to do so. Neither do we. Okay, well.

Anyway, where were we? This is a very depressing episode, everyone. Nobody's getting what they wanted. This is going to get a little bit even worse for you and everyone, and especially for Bear. One star review. And Bear's family. We're also, by the way, we've moved to Rapid City, South Dakota.

Oh my god, we're going everywhere. Yes. Bear gave this Walmart one star review. Some old guy flashed my wife and child his penis pretty usual crowd for walmart but we're probably not going back oh my god the shocking that was way too casual the shocking lack of concern near the end so this is another maybe this is the opposite of evolving this is devolving devolving yes bear has devolved well it's like he's coming to terms with it which is probably not something that you should be coming to terms with no it seems like this is too cat too

normal he says it's a pretty usual crowd for walmart i'm like if that's your usual experience at walmart maybe reconsider like i understand the the cliche about walmart customers but i mean come on right like there's this that goes beyond if this is a real life scenario below and beyond bad so anyway so there's that well i feel sorry for you and your family i did too that's terrible here's one from aura one star review a native american employee oh god harassed me for no good reason i'm sure i think she's prejudiced towards middle-class white women i plan to report her to management end of review i thought you're gonna say i plan to report her to management. End of review. I thought you were going to say, I plan to report her to MAGA.

Guys! Oh, I almost just broke the furniture. That's the next step. Prejudice against middle-class what? White? White. Well, it says white woman, but I assume they meant white women. Yes. Prejudice towards middle class white women. I have a weird feeling in my body. And then I was like, I need to like self-assess. Like my therapist tells me, like, really think about what you're feeling. And I'm like, I'm feeling such shame and embarrassment.

And then I'm like, oh, right. As a white lady, I'm feeling such shame and embarrassment. Just hearing somebody write that. Yeah. My therapist tells me to take not one, but two steps backwards when I get that way to really get a look at the full view. I'm mortified. I'm truly – And I don't feel any better after doing that.

No. Because the picture just gets worse the more you look at it. See, for me, I'm a man, so I shouldn't feel bad because this is a middle-class white woman. I don't know. As a a white man you're the most prejudiced against out of anybody exactly so i can actually i feel for this woman a little bit do you know white men have become a minority in this country especially at walmart like i'm afraid to agree jokingly by the way i i um i don't know my nose started bleeding oh my god that's why i'm like you guys that just really hit us hard i don't i'm like i'm not even joking there's blood on me right now

like i just read a review about someone flashing their penis and now all of a sudden like literally whatever words i said in the past 30 seconds i don't know that's why i'm like i just blabbing because i'm like why is there blood all over my hands? This is becoming a war zone. Neither of our therapists would be thrilled at the way this has gone. Oh, thank God I see you on Wednesday. Well, I'm glad that you read that because I'm about to read something pretty shitty, too. Can I clean up a little bit first?

If you must. We'll take a quick break. Wait, clean up on aisle Alexlex i unpause the podcast this is i'm trying to get up to go clean up and she's like she says wait and then she records again i just came up with a really good idea it's not a good idea let me clean up i was there and said, where were we? Are you all right? I've felt better. I'm just kind of nervous to continue. Will you rate your scale on one bomb to ten bomb scale? No.

Will you rate your pain on a bomb scale, I mean? No bombs. No bombs? No bombs. Bombs are good. But more bombs are better. More bombs are better. God, I can't even remember.

I'm so out of it right now. I think I lost too much blood. Okay, well now you're just being a shiefer. He just brought in a whole roll of toilet paper. I brought my toilet paper, so I'm good. All right, so I guess is it my turn now? I think so. I'm worried that I'm just going to... The bleeding will just profusely continue if I continue with my review, but...

You're probably pretty bad. I must nobly proceed do it you're not being noble by proceeding on behalf of ken okay ken ken from rapid city one star review do you not buy the dvds out of their bins they will not refund if the d is bad. We exchanged, I had to figure out what that word was. XCHGD is how he spells exchanged. Wow. XCHGD. Got the point across, I guess, in the end. We exchanged and same thing did not work. By the way, it's the DVD, not our DVD player. by the way it's the dvd not our dvd player walmart's mentality is that they don't care how much time and gas it takes a customer this mentality is typical of democratic controlled companies oh end of review

what whoa i'm learning a lot today did you google Google that? I meant to. Because I would bet very good money that Walmart is not... I don't think that that is the case. ...democratically controlled. Okay, I typed in Walmart Democrat or Republican. It's actually been fairly split. I mean, mostly Republicans. It looks pretty split. It's pretty Republican.

But in 2018, it was 38 to democrats 50 to republicans 2020 it's now 61 republican though well ken but it doesn't whatever that was still just here's what i did ridiculous statement here's what i did tell me what you did i saw that ken was a star reviewer on Google. He had a lot of points, which apparently is now a thing. In fact, he had 5,000 some points. Should I be impressed? If you're not impressed, then there's a screw loose with you, because Ken is a very impressive man. My brain's made with low brass.

Who is a low brass? Walmart. That's who. Democrats. ken says a lot of things and every time he doesn't like something it's almost like the the literal non-ironic um physical form of thanks obama yeah like he he truly anytime something is not really pleasing to him he goes well that's what the liberals are you shitting me yeah it's like he'll be he was at an oh charlie's for example and he had a very good experience and so he wrote classic conservative company no way making our classic conservative restaurant making our dinner a great experience like i just it's so weird like every place he

goes to he he decides which political party operates it somehow depending on the caliber of his experience what i know so i have one more review from ken yes please give me and this one's gonna hurt your feelings it's not it fucking better not be IHOP. Oh, it's Cracker Barrel. Wait, he did write one of IHOP. I didn't include it. It is Cracker Barrel. He did not like IHOP and he said it was run by liberals.

Good. That's my liberal mecca is IHOP. However, he's been very busy. He wrote a one-star review of Texas Roadhouse in Elk Grove, California. Oh, shoot. So, I'm going to be, I have no allegiance to Texas Roadhouse, so I'm going to be offended for another reason. I don't know why you're going to be offended yet.

I'm nervous now. You and I are both going to be offended. Okay. Because we're sensitive liberals, or as he likes to say, libtards. Libtards, yes. I did a control F for that. There were too many to keep in here. So, Ken gave, three weeks ago, BTW, I need you to F for that. There were too many to keep in here. So, three weeks ago, BTW.

I need you to remember this timeline. Three weeks ago, Texas Roadhouse in Elk Grove, California, one star. Stopped in to get a gift card. The hostess called someone to come up to the front. Guy came up, asked what I wanted. I told him, hundred buck gift card. He did his thing. No thank you or have a nice day.

Now we switch into capital letters. You Californians suck up, down, left, and right. I hope this piece of shit state gets swallowed up in an earthquake. Signed, a Floridian. Please keep in mind this review was written mere days before our 7.1 magnitude earthquake. And I now suddenly feel a strong allegiance to Ken and his... Oh, shit. And his fortune-telling abilities?

I don't know. Ken is scaring me. I would say yes. It sounds like that's exactly what this is. It was actually really thrilling to read along the timeline because he spent, he was in California, it seemed, for about a month. And he kept writing, only 17 days left in this piece of shit state. Only 14 days left in this crappy state. Only 8 days left in this libtard run half of the country like he just was so adamant

about how much he fucking hated it and then even if he liked a place he would write this was great especially considering the the idiots that live in the state like it's just it's horrifying actual insanity so uh well flor, you can have them. Yeah, I was gonna say. That's how I feel. I was gonna say, I felt a little comforted when I saw signed a Floridian. I hope this POS state gets swallowed up in an earthquake. Because the manager at one Texas roadhouse didn't, wasn't polite enough for you.

And he didn't, he wasn't impolite. He just said, here you go. And didn't say have polite enough for you and he didn't he wasn't impolite he just said here you go and didn't say have a nice day which if i saw this guy in a maga hat i probably wouldn't say it either so let's be real anyway so that's a little insight into our new friend ken new friend ken who seems to have his pulse on the on the um the fault line oh oh pulse on the fault line that sounds like a good earthquake podcast write that down oh my god tm don't steal that pulse i got my i'm christine and i've got my pulse on the no that's wrong my finger on the pulse yes or no and never mind damn it we're you know what finger on the pulse. Yeah, so no, never mind. God damn it. We're, you know what? Finger on the pulse of the, it's worse than we thought.

God, it was so good for a minute. Okay, someone can use it now. On TM. Yeah, on TM. MT. Jesus. Your turn. I have a one-star review by Andre.

Useless teenage greeter. End of review there were so many where they were so mad about the caliber or the quality of the greetings they received so just wild to me like greeter didn't even smile it's like i don't like when people talk to me at the store i really don don't. That's why I wear headphones. I'm too socially anxious for that. And, like, if someone says hi and is friendly, great. I'll be hi, say hi, I'm friendly back. But, God, I'm not, like, eyeing everybody and waiting.

And, like, scrutinizing. Waiting for my friendly hello. I mean, there were people who posted, did you see all the reviews about the self-checkout? No. There were so many reviews that I read about the self-checkout lanes, which I love, by the way, once again, as an extremely socially anxious person. Yeah, social, yeah. I really prefer a self-checkout lane. Me too.

But there were so many reviews being like, greedy corporate Walmart giving jobs to robots. And then saying, who would ever want to go on such a line anyway? There's no human interaction. You don't get to have a chat if you're checking out. And I'm like, yeah, I don't get to have a chat with you, Jeremy, because you're buying a gun and you're a pheasant hunter and I can't relate to you. That's why I use the checkout lane. Anyway. So in this scenario, you're both the cashier and the customer.

Just checking. And we're both pheasant hunters. You're both pheasant hunters. It's my fantasy world. I can build it however I want. It's full of useless teen greeters. Oh, don't say that.'m sorry too much teens i'm teens leave the teens out of this i'm sorry teens avoid her at all costs sorry lock you in her

basement that's set up like a walmart just wants your greetings let's play house except it's walmart okay let's play timely manner welcome to my timely manner there's hair all over the floor and stains on okay i'm done we're moving to aberdeen this is the last place we're going in south dakota okay south dakota if anyone's ever i know it's been lovely we've met so many really good people uh if south dakota listeners ever write in like you should cover south dakota i'm gonna be like please did i not do enough for you there's literally nothing else to cover after this you said that last time but this time you really mean it no oh i gotta say and i feel that way

about north dakota too oh right you gotta balance it out and sell everyone equally so this is a review by jerry of the walmart in aberdeen and it is a two-star view jerry says employees always gathering in groups of four or more mostly talking in their foreign languages laughing when caucasians walk by very rude when in america speak english and do american end of review idiot idiot yeah is that what doing american is being an idiot god apparently then he's the most american person out there apparently that's what we're proving today i think it's my new thesis statement my hypothesis yeah i i saw a shirt the other day because i was looking at so karamo from queer eye uh posted a shirt that he had made that said made by immigrants and i was like that's so cool and

turns out he had made himself but so i googled it no he his the immigrants made it the shirt it did say made in bangladesh there you go i'm just kidding um americans who moved immigrated to bangladesh made that shirt the point is karamo saying made by i don't think you understand the point that i'm trying to make the point is the shirt that he had made for himself says made by immigrants because his parents are immigrants i did understand that okay great being annoying about it yeah you're you are doing that so that's you want one now no so i googled the shirt being like oh where did he get that um and then some other shirts came up and one of them literally said, it had a picture of a Native American man, and it said, I heard you're trying to kick out immigrants.

Great, when do you leave? And I was like, yes, thank you. That makes no fucking sense to be like, oh, speak English and do American. Yeah, because people don't think that far. I know, and it's so idiotic that I even try to put logic to it. No, it is, because it's ridiculous. There's no logic to it no it is because it's ridiculous there's no logic to it i'm sorry i shouldn't even consider the fact that caucasians were not here first it's just facts like that's

a dumb thing but they were here best oh there you wow you make a really really good caucasian and good american dude don't i i make a really great middle-aged woman we're really prejudiced against. Okay. So, your turn. Okay, I've got one here from Derek. This is my last Walmart review. One star. Never able to find helpful

faces late at night. End of review. Is he okay? I heard there's a useless teen greeter wandering around. You could find him. Wait. Yeah, it literally says just never able to find helpful faces late at night. That sounds like.

He should stay home and like watch Cheers or something. That's what he's looking for. Yes, you're right. It sounds like the lyrics to an Evanes lyrics to a knockoff Evanescence song. Anyway. So, I saw something that was like, never come here at night. I guess it was just because there's no friendly faces. Which, I mean, I could see why there wouldn't be.

Okay. I have a review by Tiana of the aberdeen walmart it was my best friend birthday so we asked if over the intercom they could wish her a happy birthday and the manager was being mean and said no it was a simple request that would have made her birthday special and he said no end of review oh. Oh my god. Are they 12? Based on their photograph, no. Their frontal lobes have formed pretty fully from what I can tell. Are you saying they have large foreheads? I'm saying that they're old enough to where their development has...

That sounded just like an elaborate insult. No, I'm saying I looked at them and they're not young enough to be able to use the excuse of we didn't know any better. Understood. So, sorry, Tiana, that your friend's birthday was ruined because you wouldn't be able to shout on the intercom. Just grab one. Like, just do like everyone else does. Just take it. Just do it.

It's America after all. Just like a Caucasian. Take it. All right. Yeah, that's what we else does. Just take it. Let's do it. It's America after all. Just like a Caucasian. Take it. All right. Yeah, that's what we do in this country. Okay. Do you have anything else? No.

Oh, I have a redemption. Oh, yay. Good. So, this is a redemption of the original Walmart in Sioux Falls, South Dakota that we were looking at. This is by Olivia. Five stars. I absolutely love this Walmart. Everyone here is overly friendly and really helpful. I come here all the time and it's such a fun environment. This is the best cleanest Walmart I have ever been in. I was once

rolling around on the floors and they were really dirty but it's not like i expect them to sweep every five seconds highly recommend end of review another example of a review devolving first half perfect leave it at that so kind second half could have left that behind rolling on the floor i thought i misread it like several times i was once rolling around on the floors and they were really dirty she just said this is the cleanest walmart does she just roll around all the floors how else would she know the other ones must be real nasty if this is the cleanest one she's found the other ones have hair that's true the other to be fair the other ones have hair that's true

the other to be fair the other ones are timely manners yes yes unlike this one unlike a plain old walmart oh my lord okay that was a trip i guess it was uh i like the whole walmart thing reading through those are so many good ones yes walmart we could probably do in every city in america and just make an entire podcast on that. Yeah. You kind of see the worst and weirdest of humanity of America in these reviews. True. All right.

Cool. Time for me to show you how I did on my challenge. Great. So for those who don't remember, my challenge was to find a review that contained a spoiler. And I didn't want to find one, like, I purposefully challenged myself not to find a spoiler in a review for the media being spoiled, if that made sense. What? So, like, okay. I didn't try, like, I didn't want to look up Harry Potter DVDs. And find Harry Potter spoilers. Yeah, because, of course, someone's going to say that.

Sure. Spoilers in there. That's easy. So, I found three reviews. This first one I have is a review of a book called The Fall of Man, Days of Judgment. Oh, okay. And, spoiler alert, this is a spoiler of Harry Potter. Okay, what the hell?

One of the later things that happens in Harry Potter. Okay. This is a five-star review titled Blown Away. I read this book in one day, in one sitting. It's not at all what I would have expected. This pulled me in and put me right there with the characters. I cried. I never cry, except when Dumbledore died.

But they were not sad tears. This book takes you on a journey that encompasses what it means to be human. It's not my usual genre, but it's not what you expect. This crosses the boundaries of all stereotypes. End of review. Oh my god! Did you google Dumbledore died? This is how I did this. I had a feeling you looked up spoilers. I looked up specific spoilers to help me find these. That's and it worked okay i love it okay i do have two more okay well okay okay spoiler over spoiler harry potter spoiler over spoiler over this next one is a sixth sense spoiler oh i was hoping you would do this

hoping you would do this this is by steven and it's of a city bank wait what three star reviews okay where are all the employees i've walked all the way in signed my name in sat down waited five minutes not a single person has greeted me not Not a, hi, we'll be right with you. Nothing. There are three women staring at their computer screen doing something, but not acknowledging that I've been sitting here. I'm staring at them. Oh no. Am I dead?

Am I Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense? No! Oh hey, I see someone's coming from out of the back. I think she sees me. Does she? She's walking closer. She smiled at me. I'm still alive!

Awesome. Time to get my banking needs taken care of. Elfin. End of review. What the fuck? What was the last line? Elfin. Like fin.

Elfin? Elfin? Did I say it? Is that how you say it? I think it's fin. Fin? Wait, was the last line? El fin. Like fin. El fin? El fin. Did I say it? Is that how you say it? I think it's fin. Fin? Wait, like the end of the end? Yeah, like end.

The end. Okay. Is this, again, I know I say this a lot, but this is fan fiction, right? Set in Citibank? Yes. Bruce Willis fan fiction set in Citibank. Bruce Willis fan fic. I mean, I love a gooduce willis fan fiction set in city bank fanfic i mean i love a good bruce willis fanfic but uh combo die hard sixth sense situation going on wow it's actually a great idea yeah right john mclean was dead the whole time so yeah that's uh that's the i thought it was

somewhat clever that was quite a spoiler too it. It was a good one, right? That will literally spoil the movie for real. Yeah. Okay, that was very, very good. Okay, spoiler, sixth sense spoiler over. Sixth sense spoiler over. My final review is of The Dunes Inn in Michigan City, Indiana. What are we spoiling?

We are spoiling the Bible. Alex, I know I haven't finished it yet. Please. I know. Plug your ears. I'm only 472 chapters in. This is by Monty. Stop.

Not the same one. I had my suspicionsions but it's not the same can we please just go with that theory from episode what was that like one was it episode one or two or something it was really early on i think it was episode two or something um here we go holy fucking hell families excuse my language, but Jesus ain't here. He turned tail faster than you turn from the church after skipping to the end of the Bible. Spoiler alert, the main character dies at the end. Not unlike the very real possibility that your own story could end the same

if fate deals you the misfortune of spending a night in this disease-ridden cesspool seamlessly reminiscent of a 17th century London. Hide your kids, hide your wives, literally the sketchiest place I've ever stepped foot in. Out front there's a sign that says, thanks for not smoking, and every room is a smoking room. Every room is far from clean.

99 bottles of milk on the wall. Just got an X-rated version. That ain't milk, honey. Oh my god! What the frick? Okay. Stains and splotches of all shapes, sizes and colors. I'm struggling to distinguish realism and an overactive

imagination, but I think it's primarily blood and cum. Black mold is a definite. Visible in all rooms. Wait, hold on. He's primarily blood and cum. Black mold is a definite, visible in all rooms. Wait, hold on. He's just in a timely manner. There's just hair on the floor, smoke in the air. You know, just like our basement. Just like a Walmart. Where you keep your teenage greeters. If you're truly desperate to stay the night nearby in Michigan City, Indiana, there's a family express gas station nearby with a public dumpster out back the raccoons will keep you warmer at night than the cold

misfortune of count olaf whom convinced owns the dunes in hotel run end of review oh dear lord was this written on trip advisor that wonderful no it was a Yelp review. Oh, wow. How wonderful was that? I usually expect this, like, fanciful verbiage from TripAdvisor, not Yelp. I know, right? But I'm still a little hung up on that spoiler. Really ruined it for me. I guess I won't even finish it now. Well, to be fair, it's technically not the end of the Bible.

That's true. And it also happens four different times. So you get to relive it. Every gospel. It happens four times. Wait, Elton R! You're spoiling it again! Oh, damn it. Wait.

What? You know what the real spoiler is. I don't want to know. What is it? He comes back! Dang. I'm sorry. Bible spoiler over. Bible spoiler over.

Never thought I would say that line. I did have fun. Part of it, I didn't want to spoil like current stuff too. Yeah. Like also because I'm not caught up in most things. It's actually way funnier to do like classic things. Because I think this is something everyone can listen to. Because like, yeah, Sixth Sense, if you don't, like you, it's probably been spoiled for you.

At this point either. The Bible, probably not because, you know, who knows that story. Someone's ruined it for you already. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is a trip. I really like the. I had a lot of fun with that one.

I like the three that you picked. The Bible, Harry Potter. Similar in my experience. Yes. Similar demographics. Pretty much the same thing. Reading both. And then Sixth Sense is always a spoiler classic absolutely

that was good santa you did so good thank you i had fun with that one that was a really good one yeah thank you to whomever oh amy amy thank you amy i literally went back and listened today to make sure i got the name thank you amy thanks amy so okay cool uh guys i guess check us out on beach to sandy.com yeah also write us a review if you can that would be super nice also you can listen to us on spotify or wherever um and uh follow us on social media at beach to sandy we post them we're posting some fun like uh we're doing a new thing we're posting reviews that we find. Post some more screenshots of reviews that we don't read on here. Right. Yeah.

Bonus content. Bonus content. Anyway. Yeah, whatever. So. How about you give us the theme for next week? Fantastic. And I'll give you a challenge.

Sounds good. All right. Our theme for next week is one that I've been mulling over for quite some time now. We haven't done an episode in New Jersey. See, that's surprising. Isn't it? Because, like, South Dakota, I was like, okay, yeah, but even people from South Dakota were surprised. New Jersey, like, oh, we haven't done that yet.

That's funny. I didn't think about that. Yeah. So, we really should start a list because after this I'm running out of anything any sort of understanding uh of where we are so I figured you know what would be a fun thing to look into in New Jersey and there are a lot mind you I'm sure everyone listening has their own opinion the last time I was there was on my way to a stop there on my way to a table tennis tournament oh so better have

something to do with uh the greatest sport greatest sport known to man oh well you might be disappointed uh i decided that the theme is going to be souvenir shops in atlantic city new jersey love that what i just can't wait to look this up. You said souvenir shops? Yes. Okay. Yeah. What do you have for my challenge,

which is the part that makes me nervous? Your challenge? I've wanted to do something on these vessels, and I couldn't come up with something, but I came up with something. I don't even know if that's right. You are going to have to find reviews of cruises Oh, no.

that mention a breakup or a divorce. Oxen, you know me so well. This is exactly what I was born to do. Oh, I'm so excited. Yeah, and I figured, because there are some other ones I had in my mind that were probably way too hard. About cruises? Yeah, where someone falls overboard, where someone gets put in the

brig. I watched a 2020 episode about a woman falling overboard. Oh, jeez. I mean, that's tragic stuff. It's very bad. That stuff, like, if someone falls overboard, they're probably gone, especially if it's at night. I mean, okay, I think it's happening. She survived, but I don't think she's writing to Yelp i think she's writing to the local police office and it's probably rare for why do i keep saying police office i don't know what is wrong

with you i don't know um yeah so i figured a breakup divorce is something that people will talk about either of course it would be fun if it happened on the cruise itself well naturally that's the idea but i also felt if you can't find that. Girls trip! Yep, at least you'll find stuff like that. What's that thing people are doing nowadays? Like a divorce honeymoon kind of thing? Yeah, or a, yeah, yeah, a divorce moon. Is that what they call it? I'm pretty sure. I don't know. Hashtag divorce moon has a few posts. Yeah. Okay, well, I'll find that. I'll find it out. I'll find, I'll find it out i'll find i'll find the real deal the drama the hot goss if you will uh all right guys thank you for listening thanks everyone we'll see

you next week can't wait bye Bye.