Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 341: Reviews of Farmers' Markets

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

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Welcome to Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me I wanted to like this podcast but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everyone. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. We would love to see you and your party here in the front row for our podcast. Yes, welcome. I see you down there. Take a load off.

Take a load off, order a drink. You have to because there's probably a two drink minimum tonight. Yeah, it can be Coca-Cola, but it's gonna be $6. Also, what's our stuff? I'd always say that made both of us so crazy? No, take your shoes off. Take your shoes off. Stay a while. Yeah, no take your coat off Stay a while if we had a hat on if we had a coat on it was like

But it was also like then if you didn't if you said no, thanks It was like well, that's actually not you actually It wasn't an ask it was a demand. It sort of like implied very it wasn't optional yeah anyway also another one is close your mouth you're catching flies that was classic while watching TV and if my mouth was open yeah oh I didn never my I guess I was just a meeting my bad Anyway, and I think that one's fun I don't know what your problem is. Just kidding. I needed it. I guess I don't know Rarely did we have like only targeted lines from our parents. I feel so this is a new new oh yeah like they were they're usually pretty um

they're not usually exclusive for what mom said to you about tampons no she sort of told me that too well I was like why are you pretending like we didn't all get talks about tampons no um boy oh boy today is very exciting because we are one week away from our Florida shows yeah we cannot wait. We're very excited. I'm sure that the masses have all bought tickets. I'm sure they're going for thousands now on the resell websites. Those scalpers are living it up. It's like that Taylor Swift era's tour all over again. But just in case, if you are able

to attend any of the Florida shows, go to bgstandi.com. We're still selling tickets. That is, of course, unless we've become as famous as Taylor Swift by the time this comes out. And so, yeah, check it out. We're going to Orlando, Tampa. No, you tell me. You nailed it.

Oh. Have some faith in yourself. 18th and 19th. Well now I'm questioning it because you said it. You know, you're like, oh no. I'm like, wait, that is right. Right? Yeah. Next week from today when this comes out. Five minutes ago. Yeah. The 18th and 19th. And it's in a week. I'm messing see I'm messing it up Orlando than Tampa. Yeah, okay That'll be well, that's if that doesn't give you a vote of confidence. I don't know what will so come see us live I know I said this before but you don't need to be a listener or like a longtime listener to enjoy the show We make it, you know accessible for everyone's humor because it's more about the one-star views in your town So we would love for people to come to the floor shows

Or any of our upcoming shows because Florida's our kickoff. That's just the start Yeah, California, San Diego. I'm gonna be honest I ended on a I'm ending on a high like I'm quitting while I'm ahead with the Florida situation Orlando Tampa, so you take the rest. I'm not gonna contribute to this part yeah I'm not gonna say the next 15 shows all of them so don't worry everybody we're gonna get to the episode but yeah California is up next and then we're going to Texas we're going to a bunch of places in Nebraska I'm weirdly very excited for even if you're like no way you're coming to my town maybe yeah if you're from Omaha we're coming from Plano we're coming to my town. Maybe Yeah, if you're from Omaha, we're coming from Plano. We're coming whether you like it or not

um, so Anyway, what's our what's our thing about today farmers markets, which I do feel like we can all kind of relate to in cities Areas farmers marketer, you're so right Glad we can all come together That's very Kumbaya of you. From sea to shining sea. What was that?

Don't worry everybody, we all have access to farmers markets, which isn't even, I guess, true. I didn't even say that. I know, I don't know why I said it that way. I'm just saying, why are you making this like a peace on earth thing? What's going on? Because it's like, you know, Kumbaya. We all at it's like at the farmers market. We're all the same. You know how they say like.

It's the farmers market, how they say it at the farmers market. We're all the same. What farmers markets are you going to? It's more like Scientology shit. The one in that basement. What do they grow? just root vegetables down there like what it's just I Don't understand what's going on. Do you have any more to say about what people say about? Whatever you're saying. Yeah

There's one more thing I want to say I forget I have to find it real quick There's one more thing I want to say I forget I have to find it real quick People are asking for refunds they bought they were like so convincing earlier about Florida and they're like, oh wow, I can't wait No, I take it back refund refund They want a fee fund Give me a fee five fun You know, I'm looking Because you did that your wedding photos at that farmers market in the basement Why are you just lying down like a mummy?

She was like silently laughing and leaned back in her bed and you put your arms across like over your chest. I didn't even notice. You're just like convulsing silently. Anyway. So, okay. I was trying to find this quote about Like we all go into the ground the same Like we're all in the same playing field. Yeah, you know, yeah, and so I was trying to find the ash to ash dust to dust

in life is short so party From the good plays or something I don't know That was a key that was a keychain that used to hang on the staircase at Beachwood Avenue. And every time I read it, it would go ash to ashes, dust to dust, life is short, so party we must. And it was just on a key ring and it hung there for years. It just became an intrusive thought. Your slogan. Oh, I mean. One of my slogans, yeah. Yeah, anyway, that's what we're doing in Florida next week. Oh my god. We're partying because

we're all gonna turn to ash and dust. What the fuck is happening? Okay, so, okay, I'm so frustrated now because my point was there was this really beautiful quote I had found recently about when we die. And so then I was I was thinking well actually now I don't know how to release you said I do because you said at the farmers market we're all the same yeah why wait but so is it only because I said we're all the same at the farmers market I assume so that's I assume so okay well it made sense earlier I promise you had to be there. And I know you were, but it doesn't matter.

The point is that at a farmer's market, they're all pretty much the same. I don't know. I'll take your word for it. Alexander, I'm trying to say that we're all the same. We've heard you say that, don't worry. You don't have to try to say it, because you've said it like five times.

OK. OK. I only have four reviews, because I have six for my challenge, which there were so many. Well, thanks, because my birthday episode last week, there were none. I really had so many options. Like, when I searched through Yelp

And it was to find reviews that say liar liar pants on fire Oh, that's right. Yelp loved that phrase. I tried with Amazon, but there are too many like books and stuff with that title So yeah like products so I'm so pleased about Yelp because that is How I expected it to go. I expected that Yelp would be the spot for I have some really wild ones. Like there's some crazy shit. I actually found like 10 and then I like had to whittle it down. Oh, you had to.

I usually I have to and I somehow don't. Anyway, let's go. Let's all go to the farmers market. Be the same for a little bit. We're all going to be the same. This is from Denise. She hurt and it is a review of heirloom farmers markets in Rolito Park.

Hope I'm saying that right. One star. One star by Jesse. Why in God's name? Don't you all have signs of where you are? I was on foot walking in Rolitos Park, no sign anywhere at all, sweating. One bottle of water, no signs anywhere. Thanks for nothing. Had over $100, wanted to spend, no signs.

No signs with arrows saying, farmer's market walked over four miles. Still no signs. No Farmer's Market. Put F in signs on corners of intersections. Or hey, in Rolito Park, say Farmer's Market this way with arrows. Something, but nothing anywhere. Next time, I'll drive my Maserati MC20. I'm sorry, did they know what park it was gonna be yet or

Were they just wandering this is that it's that big of a park I don't know they walked four miles through this park Denise just wrote she said something like I'm assuming he never found his way It seems like he probably never found it so I don't want more ways than one very good point unless that Like he probably never found it. So I don't want more ways than one. Very good point. Unless that Maserati has some really good updating cloud software for the GPS to like make sure he really

finds all the street. But I don't know, man. Yeah. It's an oh, it's a neighborhood in Pima County, Arizona. Sounds like they would have a huge park. There's literally heirloom farmers markets on Google Maps. It's. Yep, with an address and everything, so I don't really know what happened here, but nothing good for miles.

I mean, what are you doing? Oh, by the way, I just looked at it like you said. That's not a big fucking it's not a fucking four mile park. Yeah, I figured. Well, my first one... Oh wait, but there is... Oh, tell me. A treadmill right there? There's a...

There's a Peloton studio? Oh my god. He wasn't even walking, he was cycling. Oh no, that's even worse. I have one from Danielle, she her, who sent in a review of a farmers market on Broadway in Green Bay Here is a one-star review It is a meeting place to drink at after work It ceased being a market years ago if I wanted to buy some art and craft items some lonely person spent their winter

Making I find a place with reasonable parking and better prices Intermaking I find a place with reasonable parking and better prices Hey as mean as that was that was Bad I love it the best cracking up That's like one where everybody just kind of goes, that's got to hurt. That's horrible. Oh, my God.

And like, it's so funny because that's what people like nowadays especially love. That's like the most millennial thing, right? Like going to a farmers' market, getting like a juice and like shopping the trinkets. Yeah. And so, I mean, it's it really is quite a quite a call I love that for like shopping, you know that kind of thing. Yeah And it feels like you know, especially if you're in a different town and it's supporting like your local community Exactly your local depressives Your local mentally ill

Wow local, mentally ill. Wow. Wait, what is it? A lonely person made a... If I wanted to buy some art and craft items, some lonely person spent their winter making. Alex Sander. That is nuts. That is like so fucking rude. That's so fucking rude.

It's so rude, it's so rude, but so funny. Oh my God, okay. I feel like some crafter should put that on a shirt You know, like I feel like they would Like like, you know how restaurants do the one star. Yeah, cuz it's like yeah, I did spend I am lonely and I did spend all winter macrameing Thank you very much. It feels like a very crafty like let's own this Mm-hmm. So, okay this is a cricket. Oh my god. I should it's like gotten a little dusty. It's about time I started talking about her again

This is from shroomy. She hurt. It's of hometown farmers market in hometown PA Yeah, they were like that got me good can you imagine they tried to like trademark that Name hometown hometown farmers market. Yeah, they'd have the best case out of most Places except for probably other towns called hometown, which I'm sure there are more So this is a review one star No animals allowed on grounds including outside under God's clouds. I am finished with that place. What? What? What do you not understand? What kind of argument is that? I don't know, but it's really funny. It's hilarious.

On God's green grass? Okay. No animals allowed on grounds, including outside, under God's clouds. I am finished with that place. I get it about animals indoors, but these people are ruling like communists. Oh, jeez! You know how communists feel about God's clouds? Yeah, you know how God feels about communists? And the freedom they provide all of God's creatures. That's hilarious. That's just so scary. That's like saying, here, let me bring my alligator in. Why can't he come in under God's cloud? He's one of God's creatures. I have yeah, that's definitely the same. Yeah. Well, I don't know

I was bringing a dog to a farmer's market. What about bringing a snake or something? Like it's God's creature It's my pet How you agree about the God's cloud part? Honestly who rescued who? Here I made you this sticker during the winter months when I was very lonely. It says who rescued who. And it's an alligator on it. Yeah. That's actually funny. You should make that. I wouldn't buy it, but I'd use it.

Good dial. Yeah. I have one here from Izzy of Buford Highway Farmers Market in Dorival, Georgia. This is a one-star review. The cashier there are not people friendly. Kevin was mad because he didn't have someone to bag my stuff, so he started to throw my meat. I had to tell him to stop throwing my stuff. I spent over $200. Bad services. Then I asked for a manager. The lady at customer services didn't even understand what I was saying and went and got A lady off the floor who was not a manager bad bad business end of review Can you believe she didn't know what I was talking about?

Was throwing my meat I told her to stop throwing my meat. Hey Kevin throwing my meat what lady? What are you talking about? I spent $200 What in the world Wow? Yeah, that's a lot of money. It is a lot of money. That sounds like one of those fancier like butcher type Well, you know Dorville Yeah, I do very well like the back of my hand one someone somebody say I think yeah, you'd get lost on both of them. Right, yeah.

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for 50% off your first box and free dessert for life. Homechef.com slash beach2sandy. Must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. The next one I have is also from Shroomy. receive free dessert. The next one I have is also from Shroomy and this one feels, I wrote, feels poetic and I think it just, it's of this same place, this hometown farmers market. And I don't know, let me know what you think. One star.

Predominantly duct tape, tube socks, and cheap sunglasses. Worst ever chocolate chip cookies and pot roast from the Amish. Fresh produce draws locals. Otherwise not worth the trip. End of review. I see how it sounded poetic, but it wasn't poetic at all. No, okay, okay, okay. You know, I'm with you though. I hear what you're hearing. It was like the way, the cadence of it felt strangely

like, lilted in this way where I was like, is he trying to make art? I don't know, but it just like, I don't know. That first set of items felt very specific and felt like they'd be used in a crime. That's what I was exactly thinking because predominantly duct tape, tubes, and cheap sunglasses. Yeah, like the world's worst The

It's really the duct tape because what who what farmers market is selling duct tape Well, yeah, what their cheap sunglasses like this cheap sunglasses and tube socks. I'm like, yeah, okay I could see those being at a stand at a farmer's right like one of those where it's like Oh, they're kind of just reselling stuff. Yeah, like trinkets or whatever trinkets and stuff I feel like that's what they're referring to the duct tape was new to me as well I don't know that's where I get a little nervous. Maybe he's setting an alibi He's like, oh, did you see all that duct tape at the farmer's market? It's not mine Everyone was buying it. Everyone was selling duct tape that day. I don't know what that was about

What you're talking about officer. Yeah, let me put these sunglasses back on my face Okay, this one is from becky she heard Okay, this one is from Becky she hurts I was thinking like the like stocking like a pantyhose But I'm like tube socks that doesn't even know you put them on your hands and also why would you need those and sunglasses? She's right exactly. I was like tube socks actually really don't fit there at all. Um, they're used for something in my mind I don't know what like that could like, oh, a bag of knit. You put it in someone's mouth, you shut them up, you tie them up with duct tape, uh-huh, and then put the tube sock in the person's mouth. Oh, in their mouth.

I thought you said soap. I don't think so. Did you say soap? I don't remember saying soap, but I thought you said you put soap, I don't know what I was hearing. I don't know. Maybe I did say so, but I don't. Maybe you said so or something. I meant to say you put the tube socks into the person's mouth. To stuff their mouth, to gag them. Yeah.

So what about filling it with with nickels? Jesus, we did. How do we just spend all the nickels on the products? You spent nickels on the products? Yeah, that's what they accepted at the farmers market. Oh, I spent all of my sack of Joey coins. Those were hurt even more. You should have kept those for the beatings. OK, we're repeating. I don't know yet.

Here's a one star review that Becky sent in. This is of the Dallas farmers market. star review that Becky sent in. This is of the Dallas Farmers Market. I visited the Dallas Farmers Market today with my lovely son Felix. Unfortunately, my son... Sorry. You shouldn't be laughing yet. You shouldn't be laughing yet. Oh, okay. I just... Okay. Unfortunately, my son is in the hospital with bowel issues due to this kimchi we purchased at the market today. The doctors informed me that a live mealworm was found in his stomach. I wonder how that got there. Poor thing. My son has a phobia of mealworms, so this experience was extremely traumatizing for my sweet little boy.

We visited here with the intention of having some awesome food and an awesome time together, but we got the opposite. Please, can any civilians of this city let me know if anyone has also had this issue recently in any of the market stands here? I will return the kimchi tomorrow to the stall as I won't be needing it any longer. I home grow oranges if anyone is interested in purchasing a 12 pack of oranges Thanks, my business is only small and my family doesn't understand that this is my only dream in life to sell oranges I grew myself. Please help support my one and only dream in life. Thank you greatly end of review Christina I Don't know 80 lives I'm that's why he was laughing at the beginning because I was just thinking you don't even know

the first four words I had something to say and that shut me up right quick. Oh my gosh. Alexander. I know. Okay. I mean first of all the first four words I visited the Dallas not the first four words the first four well I know the first the first one of the first sentiments the first mention of hospital the first mention no it wasn't even that it was about my lovely son Felix I forgot my lovely son Felix I'm sorry the lovely son Felix was the one that I was like what a strange review and he went please hold like please refrain from commenting. And then I like looked up mealworms and stuff just and there's like articles about eating mealworms for protein. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's all that was coming up. I was like, this is such a bizarre.

Do they mean like a tapeworm? I don't know, but- A mealworm, like you wouldn't find that in someone's stomach and say they're sick if like it's not. I mean, I don't know unless it were some sort of- And also that's a very specific phobia. Like I'm not saying it's not true. Okay, you can't just dive into this. That is like the wildest, because that really is one of the fucking most bananas things I've ever heard.

And I don't mean it in a disparaging way. I mean, in all seriousness, there's something supernatural about that, I think. Like if this child had a fear of mealworms or whatever the kind of worms, and then ended up still as a child in the hospital, ill, while trying to have a good time with his family because of this meal. Imagine like the clipboard and he says, it's the diagnosis.

It's a mealworm. And it's like, that's his greatest fear. Like, that is cinematic. Like, that's more than cinematic. I feel like that means he knew it would be coming. So I hope it helps him conquer his fears. I kind of doubt it. I don't know if that would help me. But you know what? If it's like, oh, I survived a meal. Where am I can survive anything? If he survived, we don't we got we got into the oranges. So we never find out what happened. I found out he was I found out he was lovely. He was lovely. Yeah, my lovely son. But yeah, man.

And I love how they're like, I'm going to return the kimchi because I don't need it anymore. Oh, I don't need that anymore. Here you go. You can have the rest of it back. I'll just say, hey, how about I just pour it back? I'll pour it back into the container. And also, and also and also Yeah, you want some oranges from my yard. Oh Don't worry. My son and his tapeworm are out there harvesting them right now. Oh

My god, something about it just doesn't feel like Yeah something just just that one. What is going on? Yeah, something. Just one thing. Anyway, yeah. Oh my God. Okay. This is from Shroomy again of the same place, hometown farmers market.

One star by Cynthia. My husband and I were shopping on July 19th, 2023. We purchased three 12 packs of canned dog food, pro-balance. My husband could not carry them all to the car because I need support walking, so the guy selling them said he would hold them for us and that when we were ready to leave we could pull our car up behind a stand we paid him 25 dollars and went back an hour later he said we did not buy dog food from him and would not give us our dog food or money back liar liar pants on fire i know i can't believe that was not a perfect perfect spot for it he was on the last row furthest from the main street second or third space up

I can't believe he can cheat people We were very disappointed that day that we could not finish looking at everything I hope the owners do something about this so he will not cheat anyone else cynthia. Wow That's like pretty brazen. Yeah, that's pretty crazy to do to be like What dog food? like you just told them an hour ago that they can Pay 25 bucks. So I looked up the price for this because I was thinking 312 packs like that's a lot but At Walmart and such they're about ten dollars for a 12 pack So it would make sense that you'd like bargain 25 for a three pack really

Seems like they're taking a big hit Five bucks cheap No, wouldn't it be three for I thought it was how much one so a total pack is how much pack is about ten bucks The three would normally be 30. Oh, I see. Okay. I thought you and if you're buying three at a time. I figured Or actually, you know what a better deal is if you charge them and then they don't take any dog food Yeah, you don't give me any I think that sounds good to me Then they then you're up dog food and cash or your cash and you're in the positive. You're good to go Yeah, that's not to love about that

This is my last of these This is from Trista. She heard this is the city of Rochester Public Market. And this is a redemption. It's a five star review written by Johnny Chef Blaze. B-L-A-Z-E. Had the joy of meeting some really cool people. Moss's Produce is where I stopped first and met Mr. Thomas and Mr. Brown, just amazing people that give it their best to keep us eating healthy and with super reasonable prices.

Then it was off to see Mr. Vinnie and what a light he is too. Just super awesome to see someone so amazing. When I told him to keep the change, he gave me a cantaloupe and I whispered in his ear, thank you, but I can't elope. I'm already married. Oh, now if if Mr. whatever the other one was had asked, that'd be a different story. Mr. Brown had asked. Yeah, that's another story. Mm-hmm. And he started laughing. Older produce man is a great experience for anyone. Mr. Thomas was so on point as I leveled his table the best I could, and he's very gracious. This was a great experience for me. End of review.

I adore that. Isn't that great? That's the most heart- like, just heartwarming. And like, it feels like a journal entry but like not a Not a private journal entry just like this is what I did today. You don't need to password protect. Yeah Yes, exactly. Yeah, it felt like something that Johnny blaze one day will want to like look back on be like But now we all can share in the memories No, I'm sorry Johnita Johnita blaze jr. Will want to look at it someday go. is what my dad did that day. He helped level someone's table and made a really lame joke. Oh

Man that's good though. I love that joke though That is not me every time when I first read it when I read it just now Yeah, and every time before and after all the gas me. That's right. This is from Brittany. It's my last one Yes, me. That's right. This is from Brittany. It's my last one she her it says hello She first sibs found this obvious, but entertaining troll while searching for farmers markets near me, so Usually we're pretty skeptical of the troll reviews I mean look I wouldn't be surprised of that weird orange one with the mealworm was a troll for you know Fair but I guess more thing is The obvious ones were not usually like that into yeah, yeah this one is

It's creative in its own way that I think deserves some recognition, okay, yeah four stars by Brent, local guide. As an red-blooded American, I have to make difficult decisions every day. Last week I broke my glasses while playing Pokemon Go by, long story short, I can't be within 500 feet of a school. Anyways, after online research, I was told that glasses are a farce and that half pound of blueberries a day will repair your eyes permanently. Seeing as insurance is a swear word in these parts, I decided to go to my local's farmers

market to snag a bundle of bloobs. I have horrible vision without my glasses so I'm walking through the place trying to figure out which blurry shape is the blueberry hut. A nice lady asked me if I wanted some cider but I swore she said spider so I sprinted away eventually running into a blueberry stand I Apologized 100 times and helped her pick things up, but as I'm walking away. I hear someone yelling stop that thief end of review That's the end I I don't I've read it twice cuz I was like I mean I like the blueberry hut you've got something

I don't know what it is like in there. You're like really committed to making it different and Like weirdly close to reality in that it is a farmers market. So what like I just I Need a little more clarity, but I do. Oh, you should put your glasses on. Like, but there were clearly those, thank you. I'll just eat half a pound of blueberries. Well, that works too.

There are clearly these parts where he's like, oh, what's something that's at a farmer's market? Oh, blueberries. What's something that's cider and spy, you know, it's like We're about saying I'm spiders well, no like cider and then he like said oh and now rhymes this but I don't know It just feels like there was more Creative input than most of the troll reviews somehow you seem did you write this like you seem very defend You're like this one's different. I swear

This one's different. It says bloobs. Oh my god It's okay to like this one and find it funny it's okay you're allowed to You get us out of here you got something to give it show us All right, so we have a special voicemail here today. I've brought one this is from Lydia. Hey sibs This is Lydia from Columbus, Ohio I'm just calling in to tell you that I Have a funny story, but also that I've been listening to you guys since almost beginning and I still get excited every time there's a new episode. I've been a patron for a couple years now and I've never regretted it.

You guys bring so much positivity and laughter to me and my husband. And a free Patreon for you. I want to tell you about the time that I lived at the Ohio State Fair. So in one year in high school, one summer, I was in the Ohio State Youth Fair Choir. I lived there for about a month with a bunch of other kids from all over Ohio. What? What's your question?

No, I'm listening. Lived there, yeah. Lived at the fair. What does that mean? Like she was part of the choir, so like when the fair in a pen like. I mean, I'm certain there were cots or something. They just kept them on cots. What is the army like?

Oxen are God's army choir. Have you ever heard of like people who travel with like Renaissance fairs and stuff? Not really. Oh, OK. I don't know anything. Is that what that you stay at? How old was Lydia at this time?

Like in my mind, it was a child in high school. I'm so confused. You're acting like this is very normal. And I'm surprised people like I don't find it normal. Live at the fair for a month. As I've heard of. I've heard of that kind of thing.

It's like. Like going to camp, but you're In the choir for the Ohio State Fair Huh in sleeping in cots. Oh, I don't know that part. I never I never I Never aspired to this kind of a summer experience not at the Dark County Fair Well that kind of experience I did aspire to but they didn't have a choir as far as I remember Yeah, just a lot of fun. to, but they didn't have a choir as far as I remember. Just a lot of fun.

They did. They just didn't want you. That's what mom said. I just didn't, I hope she was lying. I hope she was just trying to make me feel bad, but it sounds like it was. Okay, sorry. She's living at the fair in high school for one summer, okay? I'm not okay with it, but yes.

Okay, you get it. And the cafeteria food was vile. And when I say vile, I mean, it was just so utterly disgusting. There was nothing natural about it. I was just getting sick from this food. It was so gross. So I had a lot of peanut butter and jellies, but one day for dinner they served us on the side little raw carrot medallions. So like in a, in like a plastic, clear plastic

cup. So these just raw carrots, whole carrots that they cut into little circles. And I was like, all right, well, I probably haven't had a vegetable in a while So I ate them whatever and then me and my friends went out to the fair that night to hang out So me and my friends were at the petting zoo, and I thought maybe I want to feed the animal So the goats are really cute. I love goats and so I Paid to get a whatever Goat food they had and what does the lady hand me? A plastic cup of raw carrot medallions. No. Yes. The same ones that they were feeding us at the cafeteria. Anyway. Might as well have been keeping them in a pen. Like I said, I called it.

I know. I didn't want to. I didn't want to spoil too much. But yeah, it does feel like they mixed up the choir and the petting zoo. It's almost inmates, but, you know, whatever. Well, I'm not when when when I heard Ohio State, I thought it was going to be reformatory. I really did. I was like, oh, I lived at the Ohio State, I thought it was going to be reformatory. Oh, I did too! I was like, uh oh. When I lived at the Ohio State, I completely thought Shawshank Redemption style. Here we go.

That would have been somehow more normal for me. Probably more normal. To be like, maybe it was a haunted, like a ghost hunt month long, like ghost camp. I don't know. I don't know if that should be a thing thing but sounds more on brand for our listeners. I I just love that Lydia and sorry. I had some accidental Issues with editing it. So if it sounds a little choppy, that's why but I'm not sorry So yeah, thank you Lydia and I love that they gave you goat food and that you ate it

I love that they gave you goat food and that you ate it. That's so good. If you would like to leave us a voicemail, you can join our Patreon and we'll have a link there for you to leave a voicemail of any kind of weirdo story or review or your Karen experience or job venting, whatever you have for us. venting whatever you have for us. I'm in this phase of my life where I'm trying to buy clothes that are, you know, long lasting their staples, their classic pieces, they're not kind of that fast fashion. I know I've talked about that quite a bit. It's hard to avoid the online shopping when summer rolls around, but Quinn's changes that because their clothes are timeless, lightweight,

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And this one was great. Liar, liar, pants on fire had to be mentioned in the review. There were a lot which meant it was good to like whittle down. Good. I was I was singing that to myself. I was I was hoping you had the same idea. Because sometimes I sing on the telephone wire. Yeah was hoping you had the same idea. It's by a hanging from the telephone wire. Yeah. That's why I sing sometimes and people are like, what?

Why? That's made your bedhead, right? Made your bedhead. OK. Just making sure I have the right guy. Don't make us do a poll, everybody, because we know that you should all know this. I know it's probably like 5% of our listeners

know we're talking about. No, probably not. Probably like 30. No, we've talked about Big Comfy Couch a lot, I feel feel like yeah, but we didn't say the name of it until now. I feel like Go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm like I'm checking the mailer demon poll because a few episodes we ago we had Put up a poll for episode 3 3 9 couple. Do you know what a mailer demon is? Current results. It's either yes or no 64 people said yes, 64 people said no.

It's exactly 50-50 right now. That's ludicrous. Like, I don't, okay, so somebody made a really good point because you made the joke like, oh, well, I don't spell people's emails wrong. That isn't where they come most often. What most often happens is like, if you're- Reply to a do not reply email

Which I don't do because I'm afraid of getting getting in trouble I'll say there but like something like that not a new I saw yes, but that that like anything that's like the server is down The like it's an old email that doesn't exist anymore Email or look I'm constantly with it. I'm not emailing old emails. Who do you think I am? When it says, do not reply, I listen. Oh, okay.

I'm so pissed off. I can read. Alexander, not all of them say, do not reply. The ones, the people I deal with, the companies I deal with, they all do because they respect me. Do you remember when Julio sent me a mailer demon? No?

What does that mean? How does one send a mailer demon? Aren't they supposed to be automatic? He sent out his business, the flower hat, sent out like a newsletter and I was like, I'm so proud of you. I immediately gave back and sent a mailer demon. So, I'm so proud of you. I really came back and said, okay, I see. Mailer demon. So I've even told you that story.

That is so weird that you did that. I know. Now I'm very aware, I'm very, very aware. So like, I don't do that. And even if I did, I'd be like, oops. And I wouldn't like read that it says Mailer Demon. It wouldn't sink in. Because of course, I've seen that before.

I knew how to spell it before you spelled it. I knew how it's spelled, but I didn't know what it was. Because I don't think that. Anyway, Mailer Demon 6464. That's just shocking to me. Maybe it is me. I mean, maybe I just really. Same with the borrowers.

It's like, not everyone knows everything, Christina. Just like you. That feels more culturally like I can understand that, but this I feel like must be a user error situation literally, right? Yeah, you doing all the errors, yes. But I think what happened is the first time I saw it, I was like, mailer demon, and then it like, it was so bizarre and shocking to me. And I guess not every... Because you were in Catholic school and it was like really, you were just...

Yeah, like to get an email of the devil I mean, I don't know but I thought somebody was sending me a mailer demon and it sounds better they were Liar liar pants on fire. Huh? So mad right now. Okay, go on here just because people don't know something That's not that is not a valid. That is not acting like they don't know something. They just don't know it. OK, myself and then like use an email like a normal person.

This is a review of the Alexandria. This is an apartment complex in Madison, Alabama. And this is a one-star review. Read your lease carefully and don't go by the words of the workers. Liar, liar, pants on fire. I'm stuck with four months of a lease when it was explained to me it was only two months. It looks like a great place but security is terrible. Great place to buy

weed as there's plenty in the complex. And again, read your lease. Don't go by the workers. I would not ever live here in Madison, Alabama. Broken security arms, grounds are kept halfway and spiders are everywhere. End of review. I was like, well, I don't know you could buy weed you can oh spiders They lost you at the last one everything sounded good to you until they said spiders not only good ideal Broken security arms, I guess those are the thing when they said that I'm like because they talked about Security so I thought people had their broken arms. Oh I literally thought a third thing. I thought they met arms like weapons Jesus cuz I heard like broken security guns keep misfiring

No, I just thought like that's funny Okay, wow. Wow, so that was that was quite a not on the same page situation for them all of us I mean after all that borrowers mailer demon talk. I don't think we're on the same page at all So how they will ever get there at this point. I'm starting to feel the the distance the cavernous distance between us is growing It was already cavernous. Oh, okay, so it can't get that much worse. Here is a review of So it can't get that much worse. Here is a review of Jiffy Lube. This is a review of Jiffy Lube in Charlottesville, Virginia. Oh good.

I can't wait to hear the Jiffy Lube. Oh, I will say, I think it was for a different review thing, but there are a lot of times when to find the review, I would search it through Google, click on the page, and then I'd still have to find the review that mentioned the Keywords so I would search fire within the Yelp reviews and multiple times some businesses had multiple reviews mentioning fires that should not have fires More commonly used word. Yeah one was like an apartment complex. I don't think that one I don't know about this Jiffy Lube, but there was like something else that was like,

oh, why are so many people talking about this place being on fire? You'd think liar would be the one that gets all the recognition on a Google review site. And the reason I didn't search liar is because some people didn't spell liar correctly. So, but they seem to all get fire right. Oh wait that's actually even more smart okay okay. Yeah here's a one-star review of this Jiffy Lube. Oh and this is so they had it's not interesting they had written one review uh and then um the owner responded and then this is their response updated review in response to Jiffy Lube's response.

Okay. Okay. Liar, liar, pants on fire. The service guy assured me he did the inspection and topped off my wiper fluid. Liar. I'm not even sure they changed my oil or put the right one in. I feel for the owner because some not all couldn't get a job elsewhere. They spend a whole time talking about drugs.

Look, I am grateful for their help, but bro, don't lie to my face. Value is poor. End of review. Oh no. I feel for the guy. I feel for Jiffy. I feel like he wanted to open a place.

Yeah, well, Mr. Lube, but Jiffy. Oh yeah, Jiffy. Oh, Mr. Lube, but Mr. Lube, oh yeah, Jiffy Lube Oh, Mr. Lube Jiffy wanted to just open a place that changes oil and now here we are and he's not even changing the oil he's just talking about drugs So sad what happened His employees, I mean

Oh, oh, oh He can only, yeah, that's so sad That's why I pity him, just like this reviewer does. Must be hard. Poor Mr. Lube. This is a review of Clear Lake Nissan in League City, Texas. These are wild, okay. I know, what's happening.

And this guy is Elite 25, Mike, and Mike looks like Doug Dimmadome, at least in hat and like facial hair. Like, okay, not quite, but like looks like a Texan. Okay. Like this is a Texan lawyer. This is what I'm picturing, a Texan lawyer like has a cowboy hat on, looking good in a suit and a full like white beard and looks pretty beefy.

Yeah with that like drawl that's like a polished drawl. Yeah. And has a great rating, review distribution and ratings I will say between a lot of five stars which I always love. Here is a one-star review written by Mike and this is of Clear Lake Nissan liar liar pants on fire Erin at this dealership lied to my daughter in an attempt to lock her into a deal My daughter had gone here to trade in her car and purchased another I thought locking her into a Nissan And then your camera froze like right at that second and I was like It was just the camera not the audio, but I was like

Did he just say lock her into a contract? Okay. I thought a car Uh, no, uh The night she went there was a computer incident preventing any car sales nationwide This is the only part I don't have an issue with regarding the dealership. The dealership allowed my daughter to take the car she was considering and test drive it for a few days while the computer issue was resolved. Over a week went by and nothing had changed. My daughter located a deal on a different car at a different dealership during this time. Since no deal had been finalized at Nissan, she returned their car.

Upon arrival, Erin told her they would not be giving her the full down payment due to their policy. Also, they had sold her car at an auction. She never signed over her car to the dealership. After being told she wasn't getting her down payment back and her car had been sold, Erin had brought my daughter to tears. Erin went somewhere in the back and refused to come out. Locked himself in a Nissan Jupe

probably. Oh my god, that is what they do over there. Refused to come out when my son-in-law arrived. He was hiding. Eventually, my daughter was told she could have her down payment back and they canceled the sale of her vehicle. The final story, I can only assume this was true, her vehicle was never sold, never taken to an auction, it was moved due to construction at the dealership. They tried to manipulate my daughter into buying a car. Erin was unprofessional and is definitely not suitable for work involving integrity. Please think long and hard before doing business with Clear Lake Nissan. End of few. Okay so this is like you know there are so many issues with the the the being perceived a gender at like a place like this

right? Yeah. But if my dad looked like Doug Dimitro I would take a picture of that man into a giant locket or like one of those Victorian keeps brooches you know where it's like his cameos on there because i feel like i'm sure he has a few of those if he looks anything like that texan lawyer so like you know you just open it's like oh i could call my dad real quick and like i bet you they shape up real quick because they better shape up oh oh oh, she has a dad. Here comes Dimmadome. Oh, and he's coming after you. Yeah. OK, yes. And that's what I have to say. So I you know what? Good one. Good. Good.

That's really fucked up. So yeah, I know that's obvious. I mean, taking it at face value. You know, yes, that is really fucked up. If if they literally lied about putting it to auction auction just to try and manipulate her to get like... Yeah, that's crazy. Not cool, not cool, not cool. Talk about liar, liar, pants on fire.

Honestly... Right? Well worth the somewhat overused phrase. Here is a review, a one-star review of cowboy cleaners in Los Lunas, New Mexico. One star. Cowboy Cleaners in Los Lunas got my white Newport Polo jacket and turned it pink! When confronting the owner, she was indignant and tried to say it was pink when it arrived! To that I say, liar, liar, pants on fire! We spend around $200 a month month which is riding off in the sunset

We will never use them again end of review $200 is riding off and I think this person out in New Mexico is also wearing a The cowboy hat like I'm picturing the same shit. You're right Riding off into the sunset on my literal horse with spurs on Wow Pink jacket What was it a Newport Polo? Yeah, it's they said a Newport white Newport polo and they said Jackie J-a-c-k-e-y but I assume a jacket so Now it says no results it says did you mean pink Newport

I mean okay I just looked at it Newport International Polo series presented by Turkish Airlines okay I think I've lost a Turkish color I don't think I've lost a plot. I think I've lost a plot. It's red, a Turkish color. I don't know. I've lost a plot. That is probably not what we're looking for. I'm in the Pro Shop, but it says it's not available right now. Oh, it's rare. Okay. It's super rare, yeah. No, I'm sorry. I meant the shop's not available because the site is down.

Oh, got it, got it. No, I don't think the jacket's jackets particularly rare but what do i know maybe they mean newport rhode island polo club because i feel like that would probably be very expensive yeah uh this next review is of the academy denim and tailoring uh this place is has closed down uh and also all these clothing you shouldn't be saying pants on fire. I think that's illegal to say anywhere in here Someone who's altering or a movie theater if you can't have fire in a movie theater or in a Taylor in a dry cleaner or a dry. Yeah, yeah

Well, they're like first picture. They have a fucking deer head on the wall At this place. I don't place. I don't know why. Whatever. Here's a one-star review. My friend took me to the Academy in January after I complimented him on his chinos and asked where I could get a pair. It's rare to find slim chinos that are nicely tapered and even more rare to find them in an army olive green.

Hold on. This is the one time somebody... Imagine just being like you're like checking this guy out, like looking at his rear, and you're like, nice chinos, and he's like, come with me. And then he takes you to the place where he got the chinos. I'm loving this. Bromance. Just wait, like...

I think this... And it was a curse. This was a curse upon him. Here we go Unfortunately, I will never know what it is like to have these pants You see when my friend brought me there in January They had just sold out of the last of their stock of their famed pants seeing as how we had driven here from LA I took a look around the store to see what else they had Nothing junk all they have to offer is their pants LA, I took a look around the store to see what else they had. Nothing. Junk. All they have to offer is their pants. Which is fine. Lots of businesses succeed by doing one thing

very well. Unfortunately for me and every other guy who likes slim well tapered chinos, the academy does nothing well. During that first visit in January, the employee promised me that the next batch of pants would be ready late January. Then when late January came around, it got pushed back to February. Then March. Then silence. Sam just stopped returning my calls. I should actually say that Sam never really returned my calls.

He would simply send me a text message back whenever he felt like it. Sometimes it would be as long as two weeks after my original voice message. You know that one socially awkward friend who you always try to call and they always dodge you and send a text back? That's Christine- oh sorry, that's- That's Sam and yes, he's that annoying. So after months of what feels like talking to a wall, I just gave up. My last transmission was in March.

I moved on with my life. Then in June, a full six months from my original visit to the store, Sam sends me a text message. You couldn't call me, dude? To tell me that they finally have their pants back in stock and that if I want to see the colors, give him my email and he'll send pictures over right away. You can guess what happens next. I give him my email, get nothing in return. Oh Sam, predictable stupid Sam. Who am I kidding anyways? I know I want those pants, so I just get in the car and make that drive down from LA once more to finally get my hands on the precious. Except that when I get there at 12.30 nobody is in the store.

I double check the Yelp hours. Yep, it says they are open from 12 to 7 pm. I briefly pause and think damn those are some of the laziest hours ever. Oh my god. I then also wonder how a place that has such terrible hours and hasn't had any stock for six months of the one thing that they sell can even manage to stay afloat. Remembering that Sam is that awkward friend who only responds to texts, I send him a text asking if their store is open today. Unsurprisingly, I get no response. I've already made the drive down, so I wait 15 minutes, at which point I see Sam leisurely

strolling up to the store with coffee in hand. Must be nice I think to myself to not give a fuck about anything This guy needs to back the fuck off this 2013 when Yelp was like a bunch of like this kind of stuff Okay, I feel like it's a product of its time because I was totally cuz I was also thinking like well Jesus everything's delayed nowadays Like yeah supply chain and all this shit. This is very 2013 Yelp coded if you ask me wow okay

So I go into the store and before I buy these pants I've been waiting oh so long for I asked if he got my text He looks like a deer in the headlights, but still manages to stammer out a, oh yeah, I was just gonna text you back. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Well actually, no pants on fire, because guess what? He tells me they don't have the pants.

What the fuck? But you sent me a text saying they were ready. Oh yeah, well we were wearing them and the stitching started coming out at the crotch area so we sent them all back to get redone. Don't remember the exact words he said because my head was in the middle of exploding, but he said some stuff about how Academy doesn't release pants that aren't of the highest quality, blah blah blah. Don't worry though, they're worth the wait.

No Sam, they're not. Nothing is worth this torture. Mistake number one, telling people your pants are ready when they are not. You do quality control on that shit on your own time. Then you sell it. Don't try to cover up your mistake by playing it off like you're some small local business that has higher standards than everybody else. Mistake number two, not texting me to tell me that you pulled the pants off the shelves. You could have easily saved me two hours of driving and gas money by taking 10 seconds,

maximum if you're a slow typer, to send me a text. Mistake number three, not apologizing to me for mistakes number one and two, which would have made me feel like you gave a damn. A very simple and genuine, I'm sorry about the inconvenience, would have made me feel a whole lot better But you were mr. Cool trying to play down the fact that you still did not have the pants ready Thanks for nothing Sam how you guys are still in business I honestly have no clue and in the wise words of Taylor Swift. We are never getting back together like ever End of review if that I don't that didn't be did enough enough but yeah. Oh my god for real I like I don't think he's that into you. Hmm. You know like why are you acting like he's like yeah have this great loss like he's clearly like uncomfortable

with you even. Think about you. Exactly. You know who you are you're kind of obsessed with this. To drive to to drive whatever round trip two hours and then Sit there until he shows up and then walk in right after he arrives and say did you get my text like of course He looked like that's so scary. But also does he even know what you look like Like that you came in one. He was there six months ago yeah, right, but one time and He was there six months ago. Yeah, I know. Right, but one time and since then you've just been texting. And his like, I'm sure you don't like think about what he looks like all the time.

I don't know. But like he just shows up and says, did you get my text? Like. And meanwhile, the reviewer is seeing Sam every night in his nightmares. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, it's like he's journaling about it all the time, probably writing song lyrics, doodling their initials together It just and then like why are you calling this person? It's They are working like their job is not to keep you up to date all the time on like what stock they have Like you'd like deserve to be in the inner circle of this man's like

communication like Why are you calling his cell phone like leave him alone? I would have blocked you, you know He should have blocked you a little much, but then you show up in person. So maybe not I don't know especially the person who's not in charge of like I assume is not in charge of the like ordering and stuff like I would The floor of the store and opens up I'm like I mean, maybe he's I think this is just some nice What's the place called? I don't remember the Academy. It's been closed. I Don't think it's worth going in depth over my throat hurts from reading that whole thing. It got burned down, right?

worth going in depth over. My throat hurts from reading that whole thing. It got burned down, right? In that big pants fire? The pants fire. It was a 4.4 out of 5, so. Ooh. It had very, very good ratings overall. RIP.

Yeah. Here is my final one. This is from Brianne. This is of a Bon town, a Bon Mi, like a Vietnamese place in Seattle, Washington. Here is a one star review. This is by Sean. This is for an experience I had with this restaurant a couple of months ago. My wife and I took my mother here for lunch as she's never had Vietnamese food before.

I thought it would be a good place since their food is good. My mother is the type of person who likes to ask a lot of questions, nicely I might add, especially for something entirely new to her. She's a senior who's never had Vietnamese food before. The hell all started when I wanted her to try Vietnamese iced coffee. To her, iced coffee is crazy. She wanted to know if they could make it hot. This was the start of a horrible time. For some reason, and maybe it's a language barrier since the server was not fluent in English, the server took her questions as being rude. Eventually the food came out. My mom had asked for mayonnaise on the side. Something new again. The mayo wasn't white. She's never seen this before Oh my she asked the server why it wasn't white and what was in it simple enough

Nope, the server disappeared and the manager came to our table and began her interaction with us as such I don't like the way you are treating my servers and disrespecting my food here. Holy shit This really happened the manager and I assume the owner went into full fucking bitch mode, with almost no knowledge of what was going on. She continued to insult my senior mother with no ground to stand on. She've ranted on about her Yelp reviews and how everyone loves her restaurant. Where the fuck was this all coming from? We never challenged her server or her food. I was a fan of this place. End of review. Jesus Christ. Now I have a

five star review of the same location. I can't wait. By Matt. Just to let everyone know, I was there when this guy and his mommy were there. Let me tell you, he's a liar. Liar, liar, pants on fire, knows as long as telephone wire. I don't normally talk about people's moms, however, she was extremely rude. Every response her mom was given, she had to act rude and snobby. And your mom is not a senior. If you think the manager came out and disrespected you and your mom and go into bolt-full bitch mode as you stated because you wanted to know about the mayo, then you need to start your own sitcom. Biggest joke I've heard all day. mode as you stated because you wanted to know about the mayo then you need to start your own

sitcom biggest joke i've heard all day get a life or get a hobby you've got too much time on your hands all over some mayo haha please anyway on with my review i love this place i've never been mistreated food service and quality is what this place does right. Consistency is important as well and yes, they got down. Been coming here for almost six months and can't say I've been to a better pho restaurant in the greater Seattle area. Thank you, Matt." And the review and they had and the once a review is still on the page but just in in case, Matt below that wrote, below is a review from Sean H. 122316, and then like copy and pasted the whole review

to like show people what the response was about. Oh, so smart. Which I love, because sometimes someone does that and it's been taken down, yeah. It's so frustrating, because you're like, I'm missing the integral piece. Matt understands the internet, good job. There is a, there is a a known a response to this one

This is what Gabriel business owner has to say oh my god Matt. You are amazing That is all end of response. Oh, that's literally all like that. Yeah, that's so that says it all What the F people are out of their minds like I don't know how people do it in the restaurant business I would not survive. I would not last very long really no just like I could not Keep my head keep my cool in this kind of a thing Yeah but I just love the stories of when the owners and managers stand up for the employees because it's like Such a shame sometimes when you see a review like that and the owner's like oh please let me know what I can do and it's like who was it yeah you give

me their name and the color of their hair was it tall beth how what piercings and tattoos that they have was she in full bitch mode yeah so we know we know who you mean we know who we know who you mean. We know who you mean. Handlebart mustache Robbie. Oh shit. Full on bitch mode 24 7. You know what? That is classic in though. Oh boy, we have fun here. Okay, good stuff. Amazing. Good job, Steve.

That was fun. I'm very impressed. Brianne, thank you for that final. That one was such a good find. It's probably my favorite of all. That was a classic. That was so good. In the comeback, man.

Oh, and nose as long as a telephone wire, man. So good. Man, that was so good. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going classic. That was so good. In the comeback, man. Oh. And nose as long as a telephone wire, man. So good. Man, just away with the words, Matt.

And just loved the little like, haha, like just the little things like, to just really highlight how ridiculous the whole thing is. It's just so good. So good. Thank you. That was a very satisfying ending. I appreciate it. Yes. And everyone, if you want more funny stuff, you can see us live. Go get tickets. That is gonna be super fun. 15 shows. We have bonus content too on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Beach Two Sandy. We have funny stuff on Instagram.

Instagram.com slash Beach Two Sandy. We have a Patreon. I said that. We might be uploading more stuff to YouTube we have a patreon I said that uh We might be uploading more stuff to YouTube soon so you can follow that just in case and tick-tock just in case Just just do it. Just find us and hang out. Yeah We go full bitch mode on there Only when Robbie's here.