Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 346: Reviews of Petting Zoos

Episode Date: July 16, 2025

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people who just need the world to know what they think. between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. ["The Big Bangs"] Hello, welcome to Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your first sibling host, Christine. I'm your second sibling host, Zandi. Yay, we're here to do, have we done petting zoos before? It sounds familiar, but I don't know.

It feels like something we've accidentally, tangentially touched upon many times. And we're gonna do petting zoos. But before that, Alexander wanted to take a moment to tell us something exciting. Something really exciting. Yeah, if some of you might remember that a couple years ago, I was involved in a film as an actor,

and it was a fun comedy horror. Well, the same team. He's a Skelly award winner. Don't let his modesty fool you. I want a Skelly for best actor. It was the highlight of my career so far as an actor and also my only moment of my career so far as an actor. Anyway, we are creating a new film for the same film festival.

You should have quit while you're ahead, because then you'd be like won and done, and you've 100% win rate. Never mind. I'm going to not announce anything. I'm just going to back out. You can do it without me. Find a new star. Yeah, so we're really excited.

We're filming it this summer. I am putting some of my own money in, but we also have a GoFundMe, because we're just a bunch of, I don't know, independent filmmakers, most of them in Cincinnati, just trying to make something good and fun. It's another horror.

And the GoFundMe link is in the description. I'll probably start sharing it on social media eventually. And yeah, but either way, I'm just excited to share it with you all when it's finished this fall. So is there anything? Do we know any working title or anything? Or is that too? It's I think I can say it. It's called Forecast and it follows a basically end of the world. And my dream genre, end of the world with a news crew in studio and outside of the studio.

And yeah, that's all I'll say. I don't want to, it's really, it's the same Brian who wrote the script for the last one in this one, did it again. He did it again. Did it again. Oh my gosh. Well, I can't wait till you're in your trailer surrounded by flowers and all the adoring gifts that will be sending your way that I'm sure the GoFundMe will be supplying.

Of course. Yeah. But most of that money is gonna go to flowers for me later. Yeah, you know, flower, but now that he's a oh, Skelly award winning star, his flower budget is through the roof. I'm not getting paid for this. But they just have to capitulate.

No, except I'm getting a lot of flowers though. That's, he gets paid in those now. Julio's like, why didn't you tell me? I would have quit Patreon and lot of flowers though. He gets paid in those now. Julio's like, why didn't you tell me? I would have quit Patreon and sent you flowers instead. Okay, good on you. I'm excited to be part of the GoFundMe and I'm excited to hover on the periphery

while you do your awesome movie. And yeah, we'll keep you guys updated. But until then, we're gonna do petting zoos, Sandy. And I have like an average Until the update will be doing a lot of petting reviews. You have an average amount you said Yes, okay. I have six I think Why don't you go first and part of the reason I have six is because I owe Him sent an email and it was one of the later ones that I opened or like near the end of my research

Uh-huh, and it had three that I couldn't choose between so I just brought them all. Yeah, that happens. You have to be so careful. You open one email and suddenly they're like 16 in front of you. And suddenly you're like, well, I want to use all of these. Well, shit. We can't record for three hours. Nope. But we could. Well, we won't.

Actually. Nope. I was going to say I restocked my mini fridge earlier. Okay. Our live shows are an hour and a half. Those are like. Yeah. You get an extra half hour if you pay for that ticket.

You do. You do. Here is a review. This is of Cindy's Zoo. And Christina, it's exactly what it... Well, I don't know what it sounds like, but it... We all know what it sounds like. Cindy's Zoo. Yeah. And it's in Wentzville, Missouri, just west of St. Louis. And I think it's just Cindy's place.

I mean, yeah. Yeah. And there's apparently animals to pet. And I think this might be the only review of this place. Oh no, there are three reviews. All three, one star. No! I have never seen a more rude woman that works with children and the public in general. For the prices she charges, she should consider hiring help. She had a teen boy she hand-picked walking the horse with the kids on its back.

I'm not sure who was more scared, the boy or the parents whose child was on its back. I'm not sure who was more scared, the boy or the parents whose child was on its back. Or the child, maybe, who's up high on a horse, but no, okay. I heard her say, if he starts to run, just let him go. If you value your kids' safety and would rather they weren't spoken to rudely, use another company, end of review. That's a low fucking bar.

And the other review, so there's, this one was from seven years ago. Hey, I don't love that she hand picked a teenager. What are you talking about? What does that even mean? I think it was just one of the other people there. Like a child who was there to- Oh, I thought it was like she picked somebody,

like she employed some random friend of her grandson or something. Oh no. Oh, this is not a real employee. This is a child that's oh my god I think Cindy is the only person that works here. That's not how volunteer work works. Yeah, I Volunteered this kid to do this is basically what it was. So yeah Cindy's zoo And the other review is talking about how much she hates kids. So, oh, good. OK, good.

It seems like she wants to put them to work. So it feels like, you know, that's probably her hang up about the whole kid. That's true. Trying to make that horse run like OSHA and all that. It's like just in the way. Yeah, come on. Let Cindy open a zoo. What's that movie? We built on. Let Cindy open a zoo. What's that movie? We built a zoo. We bought a zoo. Cindy bought a zoo. No, she didn't. Let's not go that far. Cindy tried to open a zoo in her e-pack yard. She volunteered a child. Cindy volunteered a child. Okay, this is from McKinley, she her, and it is a one-star view of a petting zoo.

and it is a one-star view of a petting zoo. I do not have the location, but too bad. Took my four-year-old grandson on Sunday, October 27th, 2024, and was enjoying what this farm had to offer until one of the pigs decided my grandson's hand was food. Oh, no. Went immediately to find help, no one available. I was hollering as loud as I could and nothing. Took him up front asking for help, got asked if he needed an ice pack. That was it.

I specifically asked to speak to the owner about the liability policy. I just picture like Sydney behind a plant. Like where's the owner? And then she volunteers another kid. There he is. No, she's sick the pig on another one. No. I specifically asked to speak to the owner about the liability policy, and he was busy with helping a seizure patient at the time. Oh, come on. That was the last thing I expected.

That's the- First of all, that's what happens when you put a laser light show in the Calvary. Oh no. Just kidding. I don't have any clue what's going on here. Like what? Just feels like a bad day. It sounds like a terrible day. I hope this isn't just Cindy working. There's got to be

a big group of employees. I hope there's some more employees involved or at least volunteers. Like an ice pack. What else are they going to do? Like amputate it? I don't know what the expectation here is. Not even a tourniquet and a rusty knife? I waited over a half hour before the owner showed up. When I asked, I was told, well, if you are looking for any compensation, then do whatever you feel you need to do. But Washington State passed a law five or six years back protecting farmers from this problem, which feels very vague. From this problem, the problem being your animals biting children? I guess so, honestly.

I mean, at least in this specific case, I would hope they're not... Heading zoo industry. Yeah, what are you going to do? Put the pig down? Okay, so now people can open businesses in rural areas where children are being chewed on? Okay, well, put a deck together. So I would love to hear this pitch. This is your business idea. Go to a rural area, have animals chew on kids.

That's Cindy's you're thinking of in Missouri. That's Cindy's house. Okay, so now people can open businesses in rural areas where children are being chewed on and zero that can be done? I beg to differ. You are responsible for your livestock. No signs posted by the pigs at all either. When my daughter tried to get my grandson's hand out of the pig's mouth, another mother there instantly pulled her toddler child back too, seeing what had just happened. Definitely will not be back when the safety of children doesn't seem to matter to the owners.

And I will be checking into this further. End of review. Oh my gosh, what do they think they're gonna do about this pig? I don't know, the farm was like, okay, sue us. And she's like, I will be looking into this. I'm like, they already invited you to do the one thing that you can probably try to do.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. Not much else beyond that. and maybe getting an ice pack or an amputation. If that's the next best. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. This. My next one is of Deanna Rose children's farmstead, uh, Overland Park, Kansas.

And it's actually listed as a children's farm, which now makes me think that a bunch of kids are getting chewed on. So nowadays you could just open a business in a rural area. Oh, my God. What will they think of next? Great place, enjoyed the animals, but the volunteers, including the old lady who works at the goat section, she was extremely rude to my girlfriend. She got in her face and kicked us out of the petting section. She didn't do anything wrong and isn't a mean person. She only pushed a goat away from eating her hair.

Was she supposed to let it eat her hair? End of review. Oh, no. Now, don't get me wrong. I know this is true about myself as well, but people will not survive. People are acting like walking up to a goat and like shocked that it would chew on your hair. I mean, it's like that's, it's a goat. That's what they do. When they push this goat away,

it probably wasn't the nicest way of doing, you know, there's probably- No, exactly. Like, get it together. You don't need to like attack, like shove the goat. Like he's- Yeah. He's doing what goats do with eating hair. There's an in-between between shoving a goat and just sitting there and letting it eat your hair. There are other options, I would say. So true, Kristina. Like get your boyfriend involved. And then if he pushes a goat, then he's kicked out and you get to stay.

That's true, yeah, then only one person. He should have been like, yeah, get out of here. I saw how you pushed that goat, that's what I do. If I were with someone, they pushed a goat, I'd say, get the fuck out. I wanna pet this goat now, alone. You should have let it eat your hair. Find your own way home.

Yeah. This was sent in by Lindsey Sheher. It's a review of Bear Den Zoo and Petting Farm. Bear? Yeah, bear. They pet bears? No, they don't. Oh, they, what happens to the bears? Are there bears?

No. Okay. Wait. Yes, there is. Sorry. I see alpaca. I guess there is. I'm sorry. I see alpaca. I see a turtle. I see a chicken. I see a horse.

And then all of a sudden in the middle, there's a bear. I didn't even notice him at first. In the middle of all of those animals? Well, all of those animals are together and then they're circling a bear. Oh, it's weird. And the bear is the only one left. Everyone else is covered in red.

What? Jesus. No, the bear den zoo and petting farm. So it looks like they also have a tiger. Oh, my God. What? Listen, I'm going to send you the picture and you'll understand why. Waterford, North Wisconsin, bear den zoo. I'm sorry. Look at the bear. I didn't even notice.

I was looking at the opaka. Oh, my God. Yeah'm sorry. Look at the bear. I didn't even notice. I was looking at the opaka. Oh my god. Yeah. And that's a fucking tiger. Huh? Right. And then they pretend like everything else is totally just the same. And I'm like, that's a tortoise right there. And you're pretending like there's not a bear next to it. Yeah. It does have a very high rating though. 4.5 total out of 460 reviews. I mean, for petting zoos? That's pretty good. I mean especially for petting zoos. I will say Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead had a 4.8. Hey there you go. That's because they care about pushing the goats. Yeah true. Your local Benjamin Moore retailer is more than a paint expert. There's someone with paint in their soul.

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Gym on Tuesday. Date night on Wednesday. Out on the town on Thursday. Quiet night in on Friday. It's good to have a routine. And it's good for your eyes too. Woo! Quiet night in on Friday. It's good to have a routine. And it's good for your eyes too. Because with regular comprehensive eye exams at Specsavers, you'll know just how healthy they are.

Visit Specsavers.ca to book your next eye exam. Eye exams provided by independent optometrists. Okay, this was a review by Big John, who did not like the Bear Dem Zoo and Petting Farm. One star. The facility is nice, however the man directing traffic in and out of the zoo absolutely went freak show crazy because our family pulled in the exit instead of the entrance. They have a big shed at the road with their name on it, sign saying Penning Zoo, which is where you think the entrance would be. The other entrance said Pony Rides with a small sign on the ground saying enter. The explosive manner of this

man frightened my kids as he opened a car door and threw his water bottle into the car like a fastball pitch. I confronted him on his actions, which led to a heated exchange. And although we admit we were wrong for entering the wrong way, that is no way to treat customers. And I told him so. To act out in such an explosive way over somebody coming in the out is uncalled for. Anyways, hope he gets the help he needs and nobody gets hurt in the future. End of review. Is there an owner response? Um, let me see.

They threw the owner, the person, the employee threw a fastball, allegedly water bottle into their car, allegedly. My guess is that like they were like, stop and tried to like stop them or something. And maybe the water bottle felt like I don't necessarily know that the guy pulled open the car door and chucked away. I mean, that's what they're making it sound like. So it could be. It was quick thinking. Yeah.

I don't think it was the right thought, but it was quick thinking. Just let's throw a water bottle, see if it disturbs whatever's happening or get some to stop, you know, I don't think it was on purpose. I don't think that was on purpose. How is that possible? If you're holding a water bottle and you're like, stop and you like, hold onto this throw a fastball into the window. stop, and you like, hold onto this. Throw a fastball into the window?

No, and it like falls out of your hand. Okay, you're okay. You're making up all these scenarios where a water bottle magically flies into a car window. Sinner, you know I hate when you take that tone with me. You know it makes me so fucking angry. You know it makes me so fucking angry. You know it makes me so angry. There's no response.

But three people found it helpful, whatever that was. Oh, man, I just remembered that other one where everything was going wrong. The seizure patient, the pig is chewing on children. That's what I'm saying. I can't even believe any of these places have over four stars. It feels like they're just rife with problems. Yeah, it's always something happening. Well, let's see what's happening at the Queens County Farm Museum, which

is in Queens County, New York. That's where I live. How exciting it is. Oh my goodness. Yeah. And I looked it up and I saw it and I thought, oh, this is. I could actually get there today and it looks like a farm. It was bizarre.

Is that why there's attract? Are you on attractors? I thought you got a new office chair. Christina, that's so weird you say that. Because here's the one star review. Ready? I was sitting on a tractor. Literally the first words of this review.

They actually said tracker, but I assume they meant tractor. I knew what they meant. I was sitting on a tractor when some a-hole with a Home Depot mask named Larry, who claimed to be an administrative manager, came along and told me to get off. Then he asked for my business card and certificate of insurance. What the hell is that? And he wouldn't stop with frog jokes. Non-stop on end frog routine all day. End of insurance. What the hell is that? And he wouldn't stop with frog jokes, nonstop on end frog routine all day, end of review.

Give me your license, ribbit. Also, I like the idea that he was asking for your business card and insurance when he was actually probably asking for your fucking tractor license, not your business card. He's asking for your insurance. I will say the owner did respond to this. And I'm going to sum it up by saying, they basically said, what the hell are you talking

about? Oh, okay. Good. They're like, there's no one named Larry. There's no one wearing a Home Depot mask. No, like they were like, we do not. Not anymore. I mean, he was terrorizing that place for a while, but they were, they were insistent

that frog jokes were not being told at their premises not anymore he's moved to north wisconsin by this point he's yeah he's on the run always um he's on the lamb oh i'll get him off of that get him off alexander that's your job kick him out get out larry got him got him he's out here's our review of the green meadows petting farm oh wait no sorry i have one more of the uh bearadows Petting Farm. Oh wait, no, sorry. I have one more of the Bear Den. Oh, thank goodness. I totally forgot about it.

This was also sent in by Lindsey. She, her. This is a one star view by Nick. Rude employees, especially the woman behind the counter with her smart mouth talking to my family like we are little kids and the younger guy accused us of doing something we didn't do. Teach your employees some manners. Woman behind the counter needs to get her jaw checked for the way she talks to people.

End of review. She was like as if it's involuntary. Like those fraud jokes. It's just you can't help your your jaws just doing it. And it's just you can't help the problem. OK, next time we get in trouble for something, we say, Alexander, that's we just need jaw surgery. Yeah. That we say. I gotta talk to my jaw surgeon again. My insurance is lapsed. You know, it's like- Being really offensive over here.

It's not the time. It's not the time. So they're throwing fastball pitches. They're doing something that needs a jaw transfusion. I don't remember what- Jaw transfusion. Oh no. So those first three were all from IO. Thank you IO. And here is a review from Becky who can't wait to see us at our Plano show. Me too. I'm excited for Texas. That'll be fun because we've never been there. And yeah, just like-

We've been there, but- I mean, not for our show is what I mean. For that other thing. What? Jaw surgery. Oh. It's cheap. Yeah, it's cheaper down there. Cheaper in Texas. Yeah.

Alrighty, this is a review of Fort Worth Petting Zoo. One star. This sounds bad already. I don't know. Huge waste of money. Their website says it's $3 a person, but when we went today, it was $5 a person, including my one-year-old, and $3 for a cup of feed, and if you pay with credit card it's an extra dollar. The animals were very aggressive in trying to get the food, which made both my kids very nervous.

My one-year-old started crying after about 20 seconds of walking in and cried the rest of the time. My almost three-year-old wouldn't get anywhere close to the fence and didn't want to try to feed the animals at all. He was very tense the whole time and although he enjoyed seeing the goats and sheep, was ready to go after a short while. There were only three small pens and a few of the fences were not sturdy at all. At one point I thought one of the bigger goats was going to knock down the fence while trying to get our food. It took us about five minutes to go through the whole thing. I could not wait to get out of there. Would not recommend to anyone. Also, there was no hand sanitizer

or hand washing station at all, which I feel is a must with animals, and especially during COVID. Luckily I had some with me, but this should be required. End of review. And then there's an owner response. So to sum it up, the kids are fucking babies. I mean, they're literally one and two.

She said almost three. Yeah, they're literal babies that are scared of these animals that really want to eat the food that they have in their hands, but their hands are like tiny and going to get chewed on. Yeah, and I know you're not you're not a parent, so you wouldn't know this. But one and two year old, sometimes they just cry about things. And I know it's not necessarily like the fault of anyone. Sometimes it's just, they cry about things.

So that's just a little context for you. That's good to know, I'll write that down. Here's the owner response. Our rate change was posted, but unfortunately, there are other sites that do have outdated information. We're always looking for ways to improve our petting zoo and keep the animals safe at the same time. Our animals are very friendly and do get excited to be fed.

The bigger goat that was up on the fence was trying to shake your hand! She is a pretty awesome goat! Our hand sanitizer is on the left just as you walk out the gate. We're sorry you didn't see it and we'll work on getting some signage for it. We hope you enjoyed your day with your family Thank you for your review and response I mean, it's the hope it's long gone lost hope like that. The day was not enjoyed Okay, but it seems like this is the most

helpful response they could Especially letting us know about this big goat that likes to shake your hand and the hand sanitizer for after you do the handshake Yeah, but Becky had a good point in the email. That the hand sanitizer for after you do the handshake. Yeah. But Becky had a good point in the email that is more of a hoof shake than a handshake. That's a really good. But I guess it's only one hoof, one hand. So what would that be?

Boomed shake. That's the only thing I can think of. That's the only thing that works. It doesn't work to be clear, but yeah. So this is the one I mentioned earlier, Green Meadows Petting Farm. It has an average rating of 4.8 out of 5 stars with 1.5 thousand reviews. Holy moly. This one's also in Wisconsin East Troy, Wisconsin. We got north. What do we have Waterford North? Now we got East Troy We are making a tour through Wisconsin because we're not doing any touring in Wisconsin. That's right

We're just you're making up for it. This is a two-star review by Debra, and it is just kind of a typo, but it made both Lindsay and me laugh. Okay, there you go. Drove very far to find out no pony rides or even gay rides after 2 p.m. Kids are so disappointed. End of review.

No gay rides at the time. No gay rides after 2pm. No gay rides after 2pm. But before 2pm. Those are morning only. Yeah, before it gets too hot later in the day. Yeah, exactly. You wouldn't want that. Lindsay said, this typo made me laugh so hard I teared up at work trying to be silent. LOL. That's from Lindsay. No gay rides after 2 p.m. is just really good. Oh, too good. Well, it's not good. That's so sad. But so sad. My next one is from Elta and

it's of Thorny Ridge Exotics Mobile Petting Zoo. Already bad. I know it's a 4.0 out of five with 50 reviews. So could be worse. And they're in Smithton, Missouri. Why am I in Missouri and you're in Wisconsin? What's going on here? OK, here is a one star review. I'm pretty glad about this one. One star review of this. Jesus Christ.

What is the latest news on the kangaroo that got hit by a car? Does it need a new home? I will gladly take it. Give us an update and I'll raise the rating. End of review. Oh, I thought they were going to say and I'll raise the rating." End of review. Oh! I thought they were gonna say and I'll raise the money, the funds, to build a kangaroo enclosure. No, but you read it and you're like, is this a joke review? It's not. No, I certainly can tell it's not.

But this is the response that gives context. Thank you for your review. We're pleased to inform you that the baby kangaroo is thriving and in good health. It's important to clarify that the baby kangaroo has never been associated with thorny ridge exotics. The official police report confirms that the kangaroo is owned by a separate individual. Unfortunately, some individuals tend to jump to conclusions and make statements without verifying their accuracy. We would also like to clarify that the baby kangaroo was never involved in any vehicle accident. We appreciate your understanding

and thank you once again for your feedback. End of response. What, wait, hold on. They buried the lead there. They were like, oh, that baby kangaroo that got hit by a car, it didn't belong to us. It was someone else's, a police report says it. Oh, by the way, it didn't get hit by a car. Oh, right

Yeah, also, there's that also it was not the thing you said it was yeah I mean at the Cincinnati Zoo they have which I think they had when we went to Busch Gardens They have kangaroos that you can just walk through and they're just hopping around and I'm like aren't they? Can't really kill you? Can't they kick your ass? I mean, Oh yeah. Well, yeah. If you're trying to fight it, don't try to find fight it.

But yeah, I know. But that that trust the public with that is shocking to me. Like after Harambe at Cincinnati Zoo, they have it's called kangaroo walk or something. And you walk through the whole thing and Blaze kept telling me. And I was like, surely there must be like netting. Nope.

You just kind of wander through all the kangaroos. It's the weirdest thing. That is very strange. And they had that at Bush Gardens. And I was like, I thought these things- They did? Yes. Why didn't we go to that?

Cause it was closed, like everything else cause of the thunder. Oh yeah, true. My gosh, I want to meet a kangaroo, but I don't know, that feels weird. I know, I know, that's what I'm saying. It's, it trips me out a little bit, but I guess might as well do it saying. It's yeah, it trips me out a little bit, but I guess

Might as well do all we can before someone ruins it You know, yeah, it's like going to action park, you know You know exactly we've got to get in there got to get in there before another person dies And they have to close it down by a souvenir so that we can prove we went there someday This was sent in by Izzy. It's of Cagle Family Farm in Canton, Georgia. It's a two-star review by a local guide named Barry. We went to this farm today because of my toddler. We read several books about farm visits before, so I expected to see something like in the book.

However, I was disappointed as this one is staged for business, not a real farm. I mean, literally read like old McDonald and then went to the farm and we're like, there are as if it's a movie set though. I don't know chickens. Not one, you know, or not 20. I don't know. It's like it's staged for business, not a real farm.

I think they just think a farm is like for kids. I don't like, I don for kids. I don't know. I don't know because what is a farm if not business? I think they literally don't understand that. As I said, we read books about farms to my toddler. So I expected to see something like in the book. Like no farm book for kids is gonna talk about agriculture laws, you know?

Harvesting soybeans, yeah. Soybeans, yeah, exactly. Like high fructose corn syrup. Man, we got a lot to tell this time. Yeah, we've got so much to share. It very if you keep like stepping in and trying to trying to keep them from really learning the business side of things. It's just so weird.

It's so weird. OK, here is a review. This is my last one. This was sent in by Stacey. Okay, here is a review. This is my last one. This was sent in by Stacey. This is of Living Treasures Animal Park in Jones Mills, Pennsylvania. I really thought you were going to say this is a subsidiary of Action Park. Animal Park. This is this has a 4.6 with 2039 ratings. Here we go. It's a one star review by Joyce.

All I remember from being there today is a little man sitting with two other men at a table in the room beside the gift shop with a safari hat on his head and white hair slapping his hand on the table and telling me not to let his dog lick my face. His dog was not licking my face. I am 68 years old and maybe I didn't hear him but he startled me and I lifted my head up so quickly to see what was going on. I must have pulled something in my neck because my neck is hurting me. What a rude little man. I said nothing to anyone in my party because I didn't want to ruin their day. I won't be going back. The

women in the gift shop were very sweet and helpful. End of review. What the fu- There's always something that these pettings you something's gonna happen because you looked up too fast I totally believe it so it sucks for Joyce before but to say I won't tell anyone in my party I don't want to ruin their day it sounds like you probably did anyway you just like you're groaning the whole time and wincing in pain fucking pissed off you're limping even though your neck hurts you're groaning the whole time and wincing in pain. You're just suddenly like fucking pissed off. You're limping even though your neck hurts.

You're like looking for a dog that's not there like trying to stop it from licking your face. Yeah, what the fuck is going on with this guy yelling at people about his dog licking your face? Yeah, but I also love that she's like, I mean admittedly I don't really know what he said. I'm not 100% sure. That's a good, that's true. That's true. Yeah, wow, that's true. Yeah, wow, that sounds like a bad day. And I love that that's all.

Maybe the guy said, stop licking my dog's face. Oh. And Joyce was doing that, but it wasn't reciprocated. Well, he should have known she didn't have her hearing aids turned up, so. I love that that's all she can remember also. That's all I remember. That's a lot, And also like really bizarre.

That is pretty bizarre. Yeah. Don't fault yourself for that. Yeah, for sure. Okay, this is a one-star view of the Kegel family farm in Canton, Georgia. This one is by Malachi. Is it though?

Yeah. Okay. Terrible service. They kicked Balin out because he sat on a pumpkin and he didn't hear the man yelling. And when he did, did he got off but they just kicked him out. End of review. Balin, not Bailin. That's not a name. Is that a name? Balin? How do you spell that? B-A-Y-L-E-N. I can almost promise you. Malachi's photo is of a kid's dirt bike and he has one review and it's of this farm where his friend, Bailin, got kicked out. Oh, Bailin. Well, Bailin shouldn't be sitting on the pumpkins.

Well, he didn't know. He should have known. His hearing aids weren't turned on. Keep your butt off those pumpkins. Okay. I have one last one I forgot about. This is from Elise and Matt, she, her, he, him respectively. This is of the Animal Adventures Family Zoo. It's a one star view with an owner response. Do not go here. Do not support this business. These animals are not well taken care of. Every enclosure is too small. Water bowls

are dirty and half full. Bugs are crawling on the animals food. They have ten alligators crammed into a pond no bigger than a kiddie pool. Massive birds and tiny cages with barely any room to hop around. Every animals was actively looking for ways out of their cages. Do not support them." And the review. CB 05.00 Okay. I do see a lot of these types of reviews. So I'm curious what the owner has to say because a lot of them, you read it and you're like, well, that sounds shitty. KS If I just read that, I'd be like, hmm.

CB 05.00 And I don't have a very positive opinion on zoos in general. It's like not but not of the animal adventures family zoo. That one actually specifically in west can do no wrong. I think you're right. Because here's the response from her. Good Lord, lady. Good start. Good Lord, lady. If the animals were in such dire straits, why didn't you notify the staff? You must really hate the animals here. Goodness.

I wouldn't go that far, but... The staff takes amazing care of the animals. They're here every day, cleaning every enclosure. I'm terribly sorry if they got their water dirty and we didn't get to it right away. We'll do better. Could be worse, they could be drinking out of some polluted river. In case you missed it in science class, fruit attracts flies and other bugs. The best part about that is that the animals

will eat the bugs too. Extra protein! It's actually 14 alligators. And this is done on purpose so they don't eat each other. The pond is way bigger than a kiddie pool too, unless you are a massive child. If you study gators in the wild, you will notice a trend. They tend to lay on and with each other.

It's a social thing. You might not know anything about that. Non-releasable federally protected birds, you forgot to mention, that cannot fly. So what room do they need to fly? Those are the cages USFW recommends for them. They are over 200 square feet and 14 feet high with perches and hides. Did the animals ask you to help them escape? I will have to have a talk with them.

They know where their food comes from Thanks for visiting end of review. Okay He got a little sinister there thing that ever happened what that was Oh, I was like you could have just kind of left it with like oh the alligators are actually that's their thing Yeah, I started getting nervous. Yeah, I started getting nervous by the end I will say like especially about employees at zoos, for the most part, they're animal lovers and they're there because they want to take care of animals. I would be surprised if there's a whole staff that turns a blind eye.

Well, aside from Cindy's where nobody actually understands what they're getting into. There is no staff at Cindy's. It's just Cindy. And there's no choice. But yeah, no, I'd be surprised if the conditions were so bad and an entire staff, like no one like raised the alarm or did something. And it was just a bunch of little gators like kind of stacked on each other. And I was like, well, they have other room. Like they're not like doing that.

Cause there's no room. You know what I mean? Like they were clearly like laying on each other. Yeah. Oh, unless you're a massive child. Okay. Yeah. Then it's a normal one. Yeah. So anyway, who knows? Before we get to your challenge, Andy, would you like to hear a voice? I would, I would, I would. This is from Laura. Hello, psychic siblings, siblings, shefer. My name is Laura. I love y'all. I remembered this review Well, it was rent free at my head from like five years ago when I worked at a Starbucks so my friend and co-worker Jess Was one of those people that is really nice and people just trauma dump at her

So at the drive-through one time the lady was crying and it was this whole thing so i later looked at the reviews and this is what nicole had to say five stars just was incredibly compassionate and kind when i was struggling badly my precious future husband's son fractured his skull this week i was in the middle of a come apart she saw this she reached into my soul to help bring comfort just by being kind Kindness goes so far She was Jesus with skin on Thank you so much just for showing me the kind love of Jesus meant my heart is so full Two people found this helpful

Jesus was skin on Two people found this helpful Jesus was skin on Is Jesus usually skinless skin free what the hell free Jesus and the best part was I showed Jess this and Jess is so gay. She was like only she knew like my queer liberal Jesus my queer liberal ass, the Q.com compare me to Jesus. I love you all, have a good rest of your day. Oh my gosh. That was great. That's from Laura. I was like, wow, this is so touching. And then the Jesus with skin on

became suddenly very like silence of the lambs type. And I will say hearing Laura read it, I was kind of getting into it. Like it sounded like Laura was reading it and it felt in character so well. Yes, it was beautiful. Dramatically. So it made Jesus with the skin on hit extra hard. Jesus with skin on. That was insane. I loved that though.

I hope you never stopped calling your friend that. Cause if I had a friend who was nicknamed that by one review or one person. What a good nickname to get. It's so unique. I had a friend who was nicknamed that by one review or one person. And I got a nickname to get that. It's so unique. I wonder if anyone else in the world has ever said Jesus with skin on, because why would you ever say that? It's like bone in calzone.

Jesus with skin on bone and bone and bone in Jesus Christina That lady's gonna have a bad No, no in the bathroom is out is a drive Sounds like you're gonna beat her up. I mean I I might try but it's not gonna end well for me Anyway, thank you Laura. That was great If you have a voicemail you want to leave us, whether it's a story or an anecdote or a review or anything like that, you can join our Patreon, patreon.com, slash Beach Two Sandy and there you will see the link to leave us a voicemail. And we have so many to get through. We have a lot. We listen to all of them, even if we

don't play all of them. So send them in. We love to hear from you. Imagine a delicious ring of dough with a sweet mouthwatering spread on top. Sounds like a donut, right? Well, if you spread new Philadelphia blueberry or new Philadelphia pineapple on top of your bagel, your bagel almost becomes a doughnut. It becomes a bownut. Turn your bagel into a bownut with new Philadelphia blueberry and Philadelphia pineapple made with real fruit. Breaking news, McDonald's international menu items are vanishing. McPizza bites missing in Italy. Big Rosti stolen from Germany. Teriyaki chicken sandwich disappears in Japan and a Biscoff McFlurry blackout in Belgium. Oh, it for my challenge. My challenge was to find reviews that mention a humble brag.

Okay, I'd already forgotten. So the first couple actually say humble brag, the other ones don't use the word humble, but I found them. That feels like an even deeper cut though. Like then you can't just search the phrase. You got to really like, yeah. So here's one sent in by Kelly. She, her, uh, this is a five star review of rake frames economy, 12 by 18 picture frame, honey Brown on Amazon, from Craig frames. I believe you. Cause they're like the most common ones on Amazon back in the day.

I've always, they have tons of options. Okay. It has a monopoly on these things. Well, here's a five star review of the eight and a half by 11 black. I had an award to frame humble brag by the way. And this motherfucking frame rose to the occasion like Gandalf showing up to Helms deep

in the two towers majestic. If like me, you're an award winner whose wife says, ah, just put it in a folder somewhere. Don't do that. Get this frame instead and put your award in its rightful spot on the wall above her side of the bed. End of review. Shall we guess what the award was for? Yeah, right. I'm curious. Was it for D&D? Oh, why, huh? The way he's talking about Gandalf, I don't know. He seems to have a very vivid imagination. I wanna say the profile picture is of a magician

with a rabbit coming out of a hat. So I'd like to think this person is a magician. Fantastic. And wants some sort of magic award. And this was from Canada. This is reviewed in Canada. You don't think it's... Oh.

The Canadian Sorcerers. You think it is? Not the Canadian Sorcerers. You think he won the award of... The KSA? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The KSA award. K.

What's K? Oh, oh, you forgot how to spell Canada. You thought it was with a K. Got it. Oh. Hey. Oh my God. Sorry. Oh, okay.

Well, that bit's done. Let's move on. Here's a review that Corinne, she her sent in. This is of the Johnstown Flood Museum. What? Christina. Oh my god. I know.

Here is, I'm going to read the description of it first. On May 31st, 1889, a neglected dam and a phenomenal storm led to a catastrophe in which 2,209 people died. It's a story of great tragedy, but also of triumphant recovery. Visit the Jones, sorry, well, it's Johnstown, okay, J-O-H-N. But like, I feel like someone's gonna be like, well, it's actually pronounced Jonestown. Well, no, that's already its own tragedy.

I think let's stick with Jonestown. Told you for who you got me there. It's probably Jonestown anyway. Okay, here is a review of this place. This is a two-star review titled not impressed. Oh, okay. First of all 2209 people died and you're like, I don't think so over a hundred years ago. I don't care anymore You know, that's how that's how it works Do start well, no, you don't know why they gave it two stars. I'm just already mad at them. Okay, not impressed Well, no, you don't know why they gave it two stars. I'm just already mad at them.

Okay, not impressed. It was a nice little place to visit, but clearly it is poorly managed. First, as others have stated, it is very small with not a lot in it. With that said, the stuff it has is really cool. There just isn't nearly enough stuff, probably because of the small size. Also, it is largely based around a 25-ish minute documentary in their upstairs theater that you could probably watch on YouTube. The thing I found most shocking was that they had no copies of David McCullough's book. Not only is that the most obvious thing in the world that they should have in their gift shop,

when you get into the museum, you see things about his book and how his book is largely the reason for there being a museum. Whoever is in charge should buy like a few thousand copies as cheap as possible in bulk, keep them in storage, and then sell them for a ludicrous amount of money like thirty dollars a copy so people can humble brag and say, oh I have that book, I bought my copy at the Johnstown Flood Museum. It was rather expensive there, but I am happy to help contribute to the museum and keep history alive. Seriously, there's no reason they should ever be out of copies of that book there, but not only were they out of copies, the lady up front said that they are always running out and can't keep them in stock.

Seriously, person in charge, if you're reading this, plan ahead better. But in conclusion, there are a lot worse ways to spend a couple hours of time, and at $9 an adult, that price isn't horrible. I don't think I have any reason to go back, but I am happy that I went. End of review. What in the absolute world? Okay, first of all, that is not how

distributing books works. You can't just buy several thousand and keep them in a basement. Like you have the money to buy 3,000 copies of this book and keep it in storage? Like from where? From like China? Like from where they manufacture the books?

Who has this many books? Like from the factories? Like what are you talking about? The publisher is probably not printing that many. And also like get it on your Kindle you fucking like come on it was written in 1968 as I just Googled. Okay? Not impressed. That gets me. Not impressed. My next one, it's a five- review. And I found these last few myself. This is of a racetrack, the convenience store gas station. Oh.

Chain, racetrack, T-R-A-C, no K. Oh, with no K, like Canada. Like Canada, with like K, yeah, K-less, K-less. This is in Smyrna, Georgia. Is that how you say Smyrna, Christina? Okay, sorry. This is a five-star review. Not to brag or nothing, but I am at the Sultan tier for racetrack rewards,

which means I'm there every day getting coffee, snacks, or of course, gas. I'm at the point now where my small coffee is free and so is the customer service and the great smiles provided by the staff I'm also able to use my reward points for free Red Bull when it's time to pregame free Gatorade soda products hot snacks and the delicious racetrack chips if you know like I know Sign up for the rewards and enjoy the benefits end of review and Then they just included like a very generic picture of the inside It looks like an ad of the inside of said racetrack

This is so exciting because I found out that the Sultan of soda level which now is called tier five But it was called the salt the Sultan of soda. Uh-uh. That's right This was formerly the highest here in the program granting a free daily drink to reach tier five Sultan of soda How many points would you think? Well, I guess how do you even? I'm going to be honest. I don't know. Yeah, there's our point system like one to 100.

Twenty five cents. You get one point for every 25 cents you spend. So you get four points a dollar. Four points a dollar. OK, so I would say Jesus, it's probably a million points. I don't know. Four thousand. Well, it's four thousand points. Is that what? Forty bucks. Wait. Yeah, that's probably a million points. I don't know. 4,000. What's 4,000 points?

Is that what, 40 bucks? Wait, yeah, that's so low. That's not 40 bucks. Wait, four, wait, what is it? Four, a dollar, and how much is it? 4,000? 4,000 points. Points.

So it's, oh, is that $1,000? It's $1,000. Oh, nevermind, that's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. So not a million. It's not a thousand. Oh, no, that's a lot of money. That's a lot of money So not a million It's not a million but here are the other that's almost dumber than your Canadian Canadian Canadian thing. Oh No, it's happening. Hey, can you guess what? I thought it was 250 thousand dollars So there's Sultan of Soda.

That's awful. Now, there are four tiers below it, as you remember, because it's OK. King of Coffee. Correct. Are you serious? Yes. That's the second. That's tier four. Gunin for Gas. OK, I don't know. Think, what are the names you just used?

Yeah, they're like royalty. Grandmama, no. Say like a title and then I'll tell you if it's one of them. Baron of cream. Oh, that would be good, but no. Okay, count. No. Queen. No. Queen.

No. Are they all like male? They're male. Male. Yes. Of course. At race track? God, I don't know.

King. President. King. I already did King. President. Who's the king's son? Prince. Yep.

Prince of Persia. Prince of popcorn. Prince of power. Prince of popcorn. I already said that. Piccadilly. They have pastries at racetrack? Okay. I'm done. Tell me all of them. Of course they do. You can't call those donuts that you get at convenience stores pastries. Alexander, you can't call someone a sultan in a racetrack gas station, and yet here we are. You can't do that because that no longer exists. That's tier five now, I heard. Duke? Oh, Duke of Donuts.

See, they should have done that, right? Instead of pastry, Prince of Pastries is dumb. Duke of... Duke of... It doesn't say with D. There is a D in it. Oh, Duke of... The second word is D. They're... the second word? They're... okay, you just tell me.

The Duke of Hot Dog. Okay. I'm never gonna come up with that. You're sitting there waiting for me to say the Duke of Hot Dog? What? I wasn't waiting for you to say it. I was waiting Okay, nothing good so yeah 4000 plus you need to get to good to know tier five So I don't know if I've ever been to a racetrack also didn't even know how it was spelled clearly

But I have been to Canada and I didn't know how that was spelled either. So I think that's maybe not the best example Oh boy. Okay. I still have a couple more. My next one. What the heck is this? This is of a family physicians, family physicians of Johnson city in Johnson city, Tennessee. Okay. Did I find this? This place has one review, five stars, and I'm not reading the whole thing, but I stopped at a certain point,

not to brag I suffer a major trauma four or five years ago and spent two months in a coma and then a long time in a hospital And rehab and met a lot of different doctors and nurses So my experience level with them may be a little bit more than the most people require. Ha ha ha I've had a neurologist a cardiologist and orthopedist a I've had a neurologist, a cardiologist, an orthopedist, a thoracic surgeon, and just about any other kind of doctor you could imagine work on me. But I never ever, ever realized the true value of a nurse until I spent all that time in the hospital.

I had the great privilege of being a friend of one of the most respected thoracic surgeons in the country, Dr. Joseph Wilson in Palm Springs, California. And Dr. Wilson told me if I truly wanted to know what the best thing to do was, just ask the nurses that took care of the patients after the doctor got done working on them. What an interesting concept coming from a doctor. It may be one of the reasons he is so highly respected.

End of review. Anyway, not to brag, but I had major trauma. Hey, not to brag, but I have to go to a lot of appointments all the time. That sounds terrible and I'm sorry. And I don't think you're bragging. I think it's just, it sounds like you've had a tough couple of years. As this review continued, literally the next line is, what does this have to do with family physicians of Johnson, whatever?

Did they forget? Were they like, what does this have to do with family physicians of John Johnson, whatever? They forget where they like, what does this have to do? No, they were. It's because they employ, I think, a nurse practitioner. Yeah, I figured out that maybe it was about a nurse. And so this person was like, oh, wow, like this nurse practitioner was really helpful. I'd never seen a nurse practitioner and I really appreciate what they did for me. But yeah, they said that whole story just be like, by the way, this guy has nothing to like Dr. Wilson has nothing to do with this place. He's just some guy he met when

I visit Palm Springs. Yeah. Exactly. Wow. What a tale. A tale indeed. I have a thoracic surgeon. I thought that might have been the most humble brag because I it's not much of a brag at all. You know, it is humbling. Okay, I have one final one. This is of a Holiday Inn Hinton by IHG in Alberta, Canada. One star. The title is, Where is the fart smell coming from? Number 1. Parking there is a nightmare.

Number 2. The hallways smell like farts 24-7. I don't know if this is a result of the food they serve or unrelated. I didn't eat any of their food but I did look at the menu and the prices are obnoxious. Number three, the pool is freezing and no matter where you are in it you're getting splashed by people flying down the slide at lightning speed. Number four, you can hear every noise from the entire hallway your room is in. Number five, oh no, the farting. All the doors, you can just hear everyone farting.

Oh no, everyone's farting everywhere. Number five, the beds are absolute trash. The moment I sat on it after I arrived, I immediately noticed the bed was uncomfortable. I'm pretty good at sleeping, not to brag. So I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. Both of us woke up at least 10 times throughout the night. I can't tell if the mattress was just old, just crappy

or a winning combination of the two. However, we got out of bed early instead of wasting a beautiful morning sleeping in just because we wanted to leave. So that's something right. And of review. Just because we wanted to leave. Oh, yeah. I just noticed there's an owner response and I'm like scanning it.

Okay. I'm going to read this because it provides information. I did not, man on TripAdvisor, it's like so subtle. Okay. First of all, this person's username is Celesticals. Their name is Celeste, but they, this is a portmante is Celesticles. Their name is Celeste, but they, is this a portmanteau with testicles? I don't know. Or icicles?

Celesticles. It's definitely... I hope it's icicles, but they don't realize it sounds like testicles. That's even better. Thank you, Celesticles, for your feedback. Our sincere apologies for all the inconvenience experienced during your stay. The fart smell all over town is actually coming from the mill. There are days the fart smell is really strong, however there are days it's not too bad. And then that's about it for that.

Shut up. Oh that fart smell? That is great. Imagine that you go to the front desk, like imagine watching someone go up to the front desk and go like, I have a complaint, the hallways smell like farts. And instead of the person being like, uh, okay, I'll like get my mandrette. They're like, Oh, don't worry. We get that a lot. Here's the real thing. That is not what I expected. That is hilarious.

And the town is Hinton, by the way, Hinton, Alberta, Canada. Yeah. Are you guys out there? Do you agree? Population of 9,800 fart, Alberta, Canada. Yeah. Are you guys out there? Do you population of 9800 fart fart fart and folks? Wow. Wow. The old mill, the old mill will do that. Oh, it's a pulp mill.

Oh, wait, they have a pulp mill. You know, pulping it up. Pulpy pulp. Wow. Tootin. That's crazy. That is so cool. What comes from the mill? Honestly, that would make me feel a lot better. I'd be like, that's crazy. That is so cool. What comes from the mill? Honestly, that would make me feel a lot better. I'd be like, Oh yeah.

Cause if you can, like, if you visualize it as coming from a building, yeah. Like mystery smells. But yeah. Oh, good stuff. I got we got educational podcasts. Look, let's go. What a paper mill smells like, like a bunch of farts, unless they're lying. That would be really funny too.

Oh, that's a smart lie. It's just from the factory. Yeah. And then like all the businesses in town get together and they're like, that's whenever we smell like farts, just blame the mill. No, I feel like they're all probably. I know. I probably think they're all

pissed off at the Hilton for. Oh, you think Marriott's like, uh, that fart smells coming from the Hilton. That's your problem. Clean your carpets. And they're like, no, no, it's the factory. That old mill. Wink. Wink.

Well, thank you for listening. We're actually gonna hop off and watch an episode of Naughty for Patreon. Yeah. Okay. So if you wanna join us, it's gonna be as unhinged as usual. We're still going strong on that. We found out there are way too many episodes.

And so I'm stuck in this loop for a long time. yeah, they're like 50 some episodes. So there's content I will say I want to tell people the title of this episode is naughty and the pouring rain Sounds intense folks sounds intense angsty. It sounds Dark and deep and emo so fingers crossed big ears drowns Alexander don't say that. Go to patreon.com slash btc and you can find us there and you can find ad free listening and all sorts of fun stuff. So come join us and otherwise we will see you on the road. Bye!