Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 351: Reviews of Jo-Ann Fabrics

Episode Date: August 20, 2025

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everyone, welcome to Beachy Sandy Water Too at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, X-teen. Hi, I'm brother host, Zandi. How's it going, everybody? We're here with a very exciting and long-awaited theme today.

First layer of this being craft stores, because after the last craft store episode, many moons ago, We really created a frenzy with all of the singing of Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry. It was a really dramatic episode. And that was all the way back when we lived in L.A. together. So now we're back with Joanne Fabric, specifically, RIP, by the way. RIP, indeed. Yeah, I honestly didn't realize that they had gone bankrupt until I did this thing. And I was like, oh, that's weird.

You thought they were closing just for fun? Oh, you didn't know they're closing. What, do you think I knew that? It was funnier to me that way that you just thought they were all closing, but you didn't realize you just thought they were like bored? No, I mean, it's not something I keep up with personally. I don't know if I've ever been in one even. I can't really.

I know I've been in a hobby lobby, which is kind of alarming, but I'm 100% sure about that, but not Joanne. Oh, Joanne. Yeah. Oh, and I did want to say we just got back from our Indian Detroit shows. And then boy, are our arms tired. license bias but I feel like every show I'm like that was our best one yet that was our best one yet they're only getting better I think they're getting better yeah I don't think it's recency bias I think we're just really good at comedy we're so good that's true well I didn't say we weren't but um yeah anyway everyone thanks for coming um

never mind let's move on I guess you seem ready to go what you seem ready to go no I'm just saying they get better with every time it's not reasoncy bias we're just like morphing into more more um i don't like that pro comedians with everything i didn't say anamorph am i going to anamorph into you're going to chloromorph into chloramorph what john wien gasey like what chlorophyll oh like a plant yeah oh i thought you meant chloroform oh no that's so bad i'm sorry i was like what are you doing chloromorph that's really bad i'm sorry i guess with the anna thing it makes sense but um maybe plantamorph would have been more i don't know no we won't workshop it and we'll just move on the first thing i have is from sophy she her who said rip joans i went to get new yarn almost every week for my crochet projects but honestly i think my hobby was buying yarn instead of crocheting um i think a lot

of people including myself can relate to that in different ways and i'm actually starting us off with a five-star review just because it's like a good one to get us kicked off here. And if you're not familiar, Joanne Fabric sells much. I thought you meant like kicked off like the platform or something. We're going to get booted from Screamyard. Yeah, I want to just really set the bar low. This is a five-star because it sets a tone. And if you're not familiar with Joanne Fabrics, well, good, because it doesn't exist anymore, I guess. But it was for the longest time, a craft store. They didn't just sell fabric, but that was one of their mainstays. And then they also sold like other crafting supplies. So also changed their name to Joanne. That's right. It used to be

Joanne fabrics. Now it's just Joanne permanently closed. Stylized in all caps. All right. Five star review and this is by Ben. Since I don't craft, well aside from beer, I can only review this from the point of view of a husband who takes his sewing slash knitting slash quilting slash embroidering wife to Joanne when she's got a project in the works. This location is enormous and generally well-stocked. Sometimes well-stocked equates to stuff in the aisles or cramped near an end cap, but it's with the goal of making as much product available and as easy to find as possible. Wifi is usually able to find what she needs or a reasonable facsimile at this store,

and it's not uncommon for us to spend several slash many hours trying to find that fabric or crafty doodad that will make her craftery awesome. my lot in life in these cases is to provide some creative input help find the perfect fabric or accessory and to push the cart the staff here is 100% helpful we've been here many times and it doesn't matter who you ask they know where it is or what you need since she's on the joan mailing list she's always got coupons on her phone for something or other quite often what she's looking for is on sale so

hashtag bonus there are aisles in the store that I've never been down seriously, picture framing, buttons and bobbets, upholstery, woodcrafting? Yeah, none of that's me. If you're a crafterer, I make up a lot of words. This place is 100% what you need, end of review. Wow. Yeah. That's a proud hubby.

I know. You know, he has like, he's like setting up like a she shed for all her crafts. I mean, the craftery, yeah, her craftery. The craftery. I mean, that's good. name and like an entire thing talking about his wife's interest he's not even interested in that's yeah and it was never like i was expecting some sort of like rude comment but like it was just a whole positive it made me very happy and like you said that that explained every aisle of joanne

fabric i don't even know why i tried beforehand to explain it maybe we even cut that out so we if it's just irrelevant because i feel like i just double explained it and he did a much better job he really did he really did uh my first one was uh joanne fabrics i found in new jersey somewhere oh and that's when when i saw they were all closed in the new york area i was like huh that's weird maybe crocheting has dropped as a hobby just significantly in the last since covid kind of dwindled you know yeah i thought like at least maybe it'll be open in other regions and then i read some reviews nope that's not i think the first review i said mentioned bankruptcy so that was uh That dream is no longer alive and well.

Oof. And living in, what was it, Hudson, Ohio? I forget where they're hecklers was. It was something weird that I'd never heard of. I had no idea. It was somewhere in Ohio that I hadn't heard of. There are so many places in Ohio I've never heard of. Right.

Sometimes people tell me, I'm like, oh, what part? And they say with such confidence that I'll know, but I'm just not along. And I'm like, yeah, Hamhawk. I love that county or whatever. Anyway, here is a one-star review of a Joanne Fabrics in Ham Hawk, New Jersey. Thank you. Cashier Dom or Don was very inappropriate, having personal conversation about drinking and asking me if I had a Heineken, end of review. Asking you if you had a Heineken just on you?

I didn't know if it was on you or like ever in your life. Have you ever had a Heineken? Oh my God. Okay, but that makes a difference. Do you have a Heineken or have you ever had a? I feel like one of those is a lot stranger and less likely to be answered with a yes. I mean, I feel like there's an argument that they're both equally strange. I guess on the context. Well, we've got the context. Someone at Joanne Fabric asking for a beer is a lot weirder than someone asking if you ever tried a certain beer. Maybe.

I think. What if it's zero alcohol, Heineken? Then that would be perfectly normal. You know how sometimes, like, employees will say, do you have a sprite? And you're like, I turn you on my belt buckle. Yeah. Yeah. Because you do carry a sprite around on your belt buckle.

That's true. I do. You tried to do this whole thing. You're like, lesbians have carabiners. I'm going to do sprites. Bisexuals need sprites on their belts. And it hasn't caught on yet. I think now it's finally being unveiled as my new, as a new, as my new thing. Yeah.

It probably didn't help that I didn't jump on board. Yeah, well. I would have convinced everybody. Of your lesbianism. No. I would join the trend. Of your sprite. What?

I said you need, you thought bisexuals need something else, a Sprite on the belt. So you started wearing those spray. Yes, the lesbians have carabiners. Oh my God, keep up. Okay, I can't. This is a review sent in by Kelsey Sheeher of a Joanne Fabrics in Texas. It's a one-star review. So now we're getting into the nitty-gritty here.

This says, this Joanne location has a great selection of fabric. but customer service is poor. The ladies at the cutting table lack professionalism. They are unfriendly and right down rude. Talking and whispering negatively about customers to one another in front of other customers are not acceptable behaviors. I understand that some customers may be demanding and somewhat annoying, but having bad attitudes toward people that are supporting your store

is a poor display of Joanne's vision. parentheses. Now, do you have any guess as to what men here? here thinks Joanne's vision is. Oh, God. Because we do get a clear answer of what, of what according to men is Joe. Like a mission statement of sorts? It's 100%.

Wow. But well said, a mission statement. The well-being of all crafters and their hubbies. I mean, that's really good and they should have gone with that. Yeah, it's heteronormative, it's crafty, it's, it's, hubby hits that demographic, you know. You're 100% work. Right. Yeah. I actually really think that's shockingly much better than what Min said, which is the following. Be the inspirational leader that helps everyone find their happy place through superior assortments, presentation, and service.

End of review. Are you sure they didn't get that off of a conference call? It says, Joanne's vision, parentheses, be the inspirational leader in all this nonsense. And happy places. I could see them having that written on their website or some bullshit. Did you look it up? think it doesn't even make sense be the inspirational leader that helps any of that corporate shit god makes sense anyway yeah but like they would at least say crafting or like supplies or something that's not their vision that doesn't make any sense i don't know i'm googling it yeah you should

but it did make it sound like as if joanne is a person i mean it's two people well yeah exactly but it is um yeah it's well it's named after two daughters oh that's cute like they combine their names to make it Joanne. That's cute. I forget what their full names were. I think it was like... Jolene and Roxanne and they were like... No, it's like Josephine Hamhawk and Roxanne Hamhawk or something.

The Hamhawks sisters are everywhere. Yeah. Oh, you saw their traveling show? Where the Hamhawk sisters here to play. Where the Hamhawk sisters enjoy your steak. That's right. They did it at hotels. You're so smart.

You're so right. with that um no oh wow alexander yeah i forgot you're looking bullshit up is this their mission the literal mission i knew it i knew it something was telling me this corporate bullshit that this person somehow made up sounds like corporate bullshit that joehan's fabrics would make up i think so although now i'm saying maybe i'm maybe this is just this lady's review popping up in different places you know what i mean oh wow that's impressive Yeah, I'm not, it's unclear. It's got to the point where they started using it as theirs because his review was so prolific.

Yeah. We got to seal that. I think they were like, wow, we're going to take that and not pay her for it. And then the bet then the lawsuit. Oh, no, somebody went in and added this. This is one where you can add your own information. That's hilarious. So somebody either took hers and put it in there.

Or this person did it themselves. Because there's one here that says to inspire the creative spirit in each of us. our customers and ourselves. Like, that makes fucking sense. Yeah. And then underneath somebody added another statement. And then it says, no one has added Joanne values yet. And you can like go in and add them.

So apparently somebody's just- What website are you on? Comparably.com. Oh, God. Get me off of that website. Okay. Thank you. Remove my profile.

What I'm going to read first is this one-star review on Glass Store, of what it's like to work at Joanne Fabrics. And I only went there because someone in Google reviews was like, it sucked working there, just look on Glassdoor. And I was like, good idea. Oh, intriguing. Okay, okay. So I did.

And I just found a couple fun ones, I thought. Here's a one-star review titled, It Was Great, but I wouldn't recommend working there anymore. This is by a business analyst who's there for more than three years. So they did work at like the corporate office, it seems. Here we go. pros great people opportunities to learn and get involved in many aspects of the business cons declared their second bankruptcy and is being completely liquidated probably not the best place to seek employment nor a career advancement at the moment advice to management don't declare two bankruptcies in a year don't hire a and m consultants don't get saddled with debt by private equity firms end of review oh that one was a little old he's like you could have asked me me while I work there, but I guess you weren't really interested in knowing what I had to say.

Good luck with that. Wow, that's rough, man. It was fun while it lasted, basically. Yes, exactly. Fun while it lasted and... That's how I feel about the existence of Joanne's just as a crafter myself. Yeah, Fun while lasted. How would you feel about Hobby Lobby if they went bankrupt?

Would you say the same thing? Would I say the same thing? It was fun while lasted? No, I would not, because the time that I went there and tried to find a Christmas card that didn't have Jesus on it. A fruitless mission, might I add. It really wasn't fun for me at all. That was a tough scavenger hunt.

Yeah, I lost at it. Yeah. So this was sent by Kelsey Sheher. It's a review of a Sugar Land, Texas, Joanne Fabrics. This is a- This is my challenge next week, find a review of Sugarland, Texas. I mentioned Joanne Fabrics. No?

Why do you think I said it so slowly so that you adhere? You're like hinting that there is one. My clue. Yeah. So this is a one-star review by Tom. Took our daughter in for what we thought would be a fun summer sewing class. Pick them up a few hours later and she was crying while painstakingly removing the stitching she had done. The ogre teacher, Linda, had insulted her for not following instructions and told her she had hearing and listening problems. She doesn't, of course. I guess with it being hard to find jobs torturing small animals, Linda has decided to make Joanne. her personal Guantanamo Bay. Oh, my God. I hope you read this, Linda. You should not interact with other humans. Wait to ruin a hobby for my daughter.

End of review. Yikes. Three people said, love this. What the fuck? Make it for. Yeah, that sounds not good. I don't know. The fact that it even gets to that point.

That's exactly what happened when I learned to sew. Mom yelled, I got frustrated, and then I burst into tears, and I never wanted to. Her friend Joanne came over and just. Do it again. No, Linda, the ogre, the ogre teacher. Linda, the ogre teacher. Linda, the ogre teacher. Man, all the way from Sugar Land, Texas.

That's right. Called in the big guns. Why do you think I gave you that challenge for next week? It's time to revisit our past. I have something to admit. Not only was I paying for a subscription twice. I was paying for a lot of subscriptions that I thought I never, thrice, I thought I'd never, never signed up for, let alone, like, never canceled.

It was embarrassing, but then Rocket Money was like, it's not embarrassing. We got you, and they stepped in, and they canceled them for me. I didn't even have to make a phone call or log in anywhere. It was amazing. They are incredible. Rocket Money has helped me cancel things, lower my bills. They actually helped me keep on. track with my spending, which is something I struggle to do without them.

Rocket Money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you may or may not have forgotten about. Couldn't be me. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney. Go to rocketmoney.com slash beach. That's rocketmoney.com slash beach. okay um so these next three tell a story oh great here is and it's not actually i just made it up in my head which is probably clear by the fact that how stories go it's evolving the way this story

wow uh clearly because i don't know how it works here's a one-star review on glass door well i can tell you one thing that elevator pitch really won me over so go ahead oh my god don't remind me and I hadn't talked about this yet. I got stuck in an elevator. A freight elevator. It was so fucking scary. I'm not even allowed to say the word elevator anymore. No, because you just talked about your stupid trauma.

I'm going to talk about my stupid trauma because we were filming that film. The GoFundMe still live, just if you pity me after this. The haunted elevator. We were in a giant scary fucking warehouse on the sixth floor. So we had to get all of our equipment up and down. On the last day, we were clearing out like 10 p.m. And the last trip, the elevator suddenly started. And it's when you like control from the inside.

And there's like a gate that goes up and you control from the inside. Yeah. Okay. And then as we're going, it starts getting like kind of fast, a little faster than it was the first time. And we're like, oh, that's weird. Also, he adds new details that like he didn't tell me before. And the fast thing is new to me now. And I don't like that.

well I didn't think we at the time we were like huh is it going faster and I was like Jesus like what did I yeah and it was then there was a big clunk and really always go back like kind of tilted a little geez and then straightened out where I about had a freaking panic attack he's telling me the thing jolted and like tip yeah I mean what and then we were between floors two and three I had a great I thought I was I've never been stuck in an elevator I was cracking up I was like, this is so funny. There was someone else in the elevator, and she had earlier in the elevator,

she had said that she doesn't want to get stuck in this one because she's been stuck in one before. And I said, I won't ride the elevator with you. And then someone else said, oh, it might be like lightning where it doesn't strike twice in the same spot. Guess what? It did. You idiots. Lightning always strikes twice. The fire department ended up coming.

They had to like break a lock to open up like a sliding door and floor two so we could like climb down. Gee, how far would the drop have been if the elevator had plummeted? There was a basement. I just gave myself a sick stomach. It would have been enough that I probably would be dead. Fuck me, dude. Are you serious? It was a lot.

I mean, we were on floor two and a half, but like there was at least one. I think there might have been like two floors below floor one. It was a lot, but whatever. I wasn't very. I don't like this story. And also- I was cracking up. It was so funny.

I know. It's hilarious. And I can't wait. to tell myself whenever you die in some tragic way, at least you went out laughing because I'll know you just laughed your way through it. I was cracking jokes.

I'm going to make a story about, hold on, let me make a new story. I didn't even get to the point where the firefighters made me feel dainty. I know, but now I'm writing a story.

So this is actually something I'm going to use for content now. I'm going to do like, how about an elevator is like a portal, eggs in her. Okay,

now you go on. So I get out and the firefighters lift me and carry me down like lift me and slowly help me down it wasn't that slow gravity did a lot of work um but i felt dainty for a moment and then we were downstairs and they were kind of looking around because this warehouse had some weird shit so the firefighters were like peeking under things and suddenly something comes over the radio and one of them goes sounds like a fire and they all just fucking

sprint their trucks and i was like uh bye i was like they didn't even say bye to me i'm just kidding and then i waved i felt like a little kid i was like waving to them Just they were leaving. Wow. I was having so much fun. I'm telling you, every time I hear the story, it's like there's new details that I hadn't heard before. And it really, it gets me every time. I'm glad you're alive.

Let's just put that way. But yeah, the Kickstarter, listen, we're just saying. It's not on Kickstarter, so don't go there. I mean, the Indie GoGoGo, what is it? Yep, not on there either. GoFund me. Go fund me. I forget the name of it.

We wrapped filming, but we've got lots of post-production stuff to do. But yeah, we're going to, it's going to premiere at a fright fest, film fest in Cincinnati on October 25th or 6th. So either, you better either be there or at our show in New York on the 20th. Yeah, we have a show in New York, a TVD if we're going to be able to go to the, depending on what day of the weekend. Yeah, they haven't decided on which day. But anyway, thanks for letting me tell that story. Okay, well, that was a great elevator pitch and a great elevator story after almost. dying. Moving on. This is a one-star review on Glass Store of working on Joanne Fabrics, titled

Not a Bad Job If You Have a Decent Manager. Proes. Easy and Straightforward Work. Very little to surprise you. Cons. Low pay. Have to cut fabric even if you don't have anything to do with it. Bad manager can make the work life hell. Advice to management. Stop hiring people with colored hair. what is this a customer like faking it as a like a boomer customer faking it as an employee supposedly it's a former employee at in indiana pennsylvania indiana pennsylvania okay you heard right sure sure sure sure um okay wait so now this is telling a story you're telling me that this is this all going to be about colored hair no but i think i have an example of the person who wrote this review and the person who they're talking about oh it's not

Like, okay, not actually. Yeah, but from the perspective of a customer. No, no, no, no. That's not a customer. No, no, I know. I thought you meant like the next one would be. Oh, yeah, sorry, you're right. I see what you're saying.

Yeah, from the perspective of a customer showcasing these two different. Not both of them in the same one. So the first one is going to be a review that I believe has the energy of the person who doesn't like the colored hair people. Oh, I see. And the second one is. So we get a follow up. A review of one of those employees that probably has made. be green hair.

Fantastic. I can't wait. Do you want to do those now or are we going to wait for the next? Okay. I'm going to build anticipation. I can't wait. What little anticipation is possible with this beautiful setup. I have given you all.

Thank you. So this is from Becky, she her. And Becky says, I'm not going to say the location because, A, I haven't said it for any of them really, except Sugarwood in Texas. And B, because Becky says, let the record state that I worked at this Joanne Fabrics for about three months, circa 2018. It maintains the do. It contains the dual honors of the hardest I've ever worked and the lowest pay I've ever earned.

Oh, no. Oh, boy. One star. Boomer cashier was unreasonably rude to me and my partner. The one yesterday was really nice, but she fully rolled her eyes at my partner when he tried leaving and the doors wouldn't open. Oh, my gosh. You'd have to find something to laugh about as an employee in any sort of craft store, you know. Oh, so true.

And when I asked about the coupons, she was so mean about it. Like a Lizzie McGuire villain. I was shocked. I've been a cashier before. I know how it is, but it's never so bad that you're rude to the quiet customers. End of preview. I mean, your husband's walking into a broken door. I don't know how quiet he is.

I'm trying to think of Lizzie McGuire villains, and I'm coming up short. Sing to me, Paolo. Yeah, exactly. I mean, Miranda or whatever, isn't she? Oh. Or was she the friend? She was the friend. Yeah, she had Gordo were the friends.

I don't remember the bad guy. Oh, was there a bad guy? There was a bully. Oh. Oh, my God. She worked at Joanne. Her name's Joanne? Ethan was the bully.

And then he became a teen heartthrob. Oh. Okay, now it's all very clear to me. And Kate Sander. Her name is Kate. Mm. That's a good bully name. That is a good bully name.

I mean, I love me. several people named Kate, but I do think it's a good choice for a bully name. Just like I think the name Chelsea has that kind of like preppy ring to it where you're like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same. No, I feel the same way about. Should I list a few more names that will insult people? No.

Okay. Maybe later. How do you feel about Stacy? Neutral. Okay, this one was sent in by Stacy. Oh, I feel fantastic. Is that what I said? That's what I meant to say.

Yeah, it is what you said. And this is a one-star review. Great. of one in Liverpool, New York. What are the, Indiana, Pennsylvania. Wait. Is that what it was before? I'm already confusing.

Yes, it was. Indiana, Pennsylvania, Liverpool, New York. Okay, wow. Yeah, I'm just getting kind of Sugar Land, Texas. Yeah, things are weird. Think about that. Joanne. What about Sugar Ray?

Joe. Jolene Roxanne. Jolene Roxanne. Jolene Roxanne. Okay, one star. I went to this location in Liverpool, New York, on Route 31 the other day. My 11-year-old twin daughters were with me. They went to the kids' craft aisle to see what they wanted to do for a little craft time at home.

I was with my husband in another aisle, and we heard a loud woman's voice scream, Girls, you do not run in this store. You are being bad. When I said she was loud, I mean, she was yelling like she was at home comfortably and had no reason to have any embarrassment or concern for. other customers. She walked over to her and she again yelled at one of my kids. I approached her and asked her if she had something she wanted to say or discuss with the adult and mother of the two girls. She looked at me and she screamed in my face, they were running. I was trying to get their

attention and I stopped her and asked her what makes her think it's appropriate to yell at another person's children. I asked her what she did when she was a child. She then stepped closer to me and got even louder. Then she yelled out, I had a military father. I will admit that if kids are running or being a problem in public, by all means, say something to them or their parents. But the screaming and yelling while she was on the clock, on the floor, at her place of employment was out of control. She needs to be held accountable for her behavior. It was ridiculous.

End of review. I had a military father, so I actually don't relate. To be screaming. Keep the cycle going, you know. To be, I was going to say, to talk about inheriting trauma, Jesus, like, stop screaming at people. Yeah. Don't scream at anyone.

Anyone. No, screaming isn't, no. I mean, screaming is just not it. Unless we're at like a. In this context, yeah. A boys' two men concert. You heard here first, folks. You're only allowed to scream at a boys' two men concert.

I said unless you're somewhere like. Oh. This was sitting by Kelsey. Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just the other day, you were saying there's nothing like a boys' two men concert. So. You're right, Alexander. You caught me.

You said it just like. that you got a loophole in my logic my flawless logic my here two four flawless logic here two four oh here's a review sent by kelsey she her of a joanne fabric one star this store is such a clustered mess nothing is organized shelves just everywhere with stuff going different directions i mean it sounds like it's like moving around like like harry potter shit right which is kind of cool but whatever. Or like I picture, this is so fucking weird. Like wobbly towers of crafts. That's what I'm trying. It was picturing more like a, yeah, like a Dr. Seuss like track of some kind that doesn't

really follow the laws of physics that somehow is still like winding its way around this door. I often think in Dr. Seuss, as you know. Okay. It shows. Nowhere near is organized as the new Michaels in Trinity. Also, the employees are pretty terrible. I walked in at 645 and the woman who made the announcement said it was 658. and the store is closing in two minutes. Someone told her it was 647, so she made a new amountment. I'll just say it, right?

She made an amountment, but let me say that again. Someone told her it was 647, so she made a new announcement saying it's 647, and the store closes in seven minutes. So they tell everybody the store closes 655 now instead of seven on a Sunday? No one can do math, please. This is stressing me out. First of all, this person said they walked in 945, then they announced. 645, then they said 658, and then they said, no, it's 6.57. And then they said, six, six, five, seven minutes later, wait, eight.

And they said that was at 650, 65, but it's actually 54. Wait, you're right. Yeah, they can't do math. Oh my God, not a single one of these is correct. That's really wild. They're all over the place. So they tell everybody the store closes at $6.55 now instead of seven on a Sunday? That's cool. You can close five minutes early. I'll just have to call corporate and complain about that. And you bet at $6.55, the cashier came over and accosted me while I was finishing up grabbing something and told me they were closed. Then I asked her which register she was at and she just looked at me and nodded and ignored me as I was walking around. Awesome. Tell everybody who close at $6.55 instead of seven. A cost. customers about closing when you are closing early, and then be blatantly rude to them when they ask where to check out.

End of review. I hate that. That fucking bullshit. So annoying. So annoying. And you know they stay just to fucking like, they're like, oh, yeah? You're closing five minutes early. I'm going to take as long as I want.

I'm going to compare the thickness of these poster boards one more time. Yeah. I've got so much important stuff to do these people who are working their hardest job while. getting their lowest pay, like someone we know, have to deal with this bullshit. And they just want to close up and get home to their families, their friends, their weed, their whatever. Their weed, those are their family and friends, including weed. I was trying to relate to them because I was like, family, no, friends, no.

Weed, that's what I go home to. You're like, that's what the Joanne's employees look forward to at the end of a long shift, probably. This is not my last review, but the last. one that is in this great saga, I'm telling. Fantastic. And this is relevant with the stop hiring people with colored hair in my mind. I made this up. One star of Joanne Fabric and Crafts in Warwick, Rhode Island.

Saturday, January 7th, me and my boyfriend got approached by an employee named Pixie. At first, they seemed nice and polite, but that changed quickly. After they asked my boyfriend about his crafts, they then went on to insult my boyfriend intentions and got confrontational, saying my boyfriend was appropriating the Wicca religion in his crafts, which isn't the case. We walked away appalled by this random, rude, and ignorant interaction. What? I'm surprised they sell something at Joanne Fabric that could be, like, deemed that way.

You know, like, or what intentions this person had with these, you know? I was like he was creating, like, a pentagram or something. I mean, I don't fucking know. Yeah, I'm curious what it was. because I assume someone wouldn't like say this without reason it's so weird to be like oh you're appropriating wicking culture unless like I mean unless you're doing this thing like offensive I guess but but like it's not like a closed real like closed practice like wicket whatever okay um I don't know yeah it's a color you're right pixie colored hair it just all fits

it all fits yeah the and like I said never mind you episodes of go like I said never mind I say that all the time. You do, actually, kind of a lot. Okay, I have one last... Is that an alligator or crocodile? I don't remember. Why did you check its crotch? I'm checking the time.

You literally... It's a boy. That's not even what I was asking. I know. I don't know. I forget. Where did you get it? Well, Blazons and Leon, I bought it at the aquarium.

That's probably an alligator. Aquarium. But they have that. Maybe a crocodile. Albino crocodile, I think. And that's what it looks like? Used to be at the zoo. No, but I'm just wondering if they bought, like, whatever.

Hold it tight either way. It's very cute. I'll figure it out later. Looks cozy. This is my last review. It's from Kelsey, she, her, and it's a review by Fox. Five stars of Joanne. Of course Fox would give five stars.

In Buffalo? Where is this? It doesn't say exactly. I was just tried to seem like I knew things. It's in Texas, actually. Sugar land? You know what? Maybe.

It is in the in the... I'd like to pretend it's Sugar Land. It is Sugar Land. Oh, my God. Sorry. I think Kelsey sent them both in, though. But still, it is the same way. Okay.

So that kind of makes it seem like Kelsey just stumbled upon Fox, which is the best way to do it. That also feels right, I think. Yes, exactly. Yeah, because the other ones are, oh, that's cute. This was written in 2022. If COVID has stopped your life being aromatic, if Harrison Ford movies have made you frantic, if you thought you were big, but her new man's gigantic,

it's time to come and get some yarn from Joanne Fabric. It actually says, time to come and get some, parentheses, yarn from Joe and Fabric. Whether you're black, white, Asian, Hispanic, whether you're at the disco or just in a panic, Whether you like Penthouse or National Geographic, there's all the yarn you'll ever need here at Joanne Fabric. Okay. You used to like Metallica now prefer pink metallic. You used to like role play games now less enthusiastic.

These days, you prefer things a little more pragmatic, such as getting crafty things right here at Joanne Fabric. So if you feel like Steve Zizu, but your life's not aquatic, and if you feel like a pilot but can't do it like Maverick, and if you want to look like Barbie and be as orgasmic, then do what Barbie does. and get your stuff at Joanne Fabric. What? Generally speaking, Barbie is a fan of the store. Specifically, this Joanne location, largely because they have a better selection than a lot of the ones in Houston.

They have an excellent selection and are actually really nice, usually. And so Barbie decided that they are just about worthy of five stars. And I agree because I do whatever Barbie tells me to do. And of course, I'm the one paying for all this stuff, but I don't mind letting her decide a rating for me sometimes, as in many times.

They lost their star, though, because of a closing time issue. It's five, though, still. So I think Barbie got the final word on that one. Good. They do close their doors 10 to 15 minutes early some days, maybe most days. And if you arrive later, they probably won't let you in. We found that pretty troubling and disappointing, but it is the practice and some other stores, too. I think if they would fix that problem, they would get their fifth star.

Still, Joanne is one of Barbie's favorite craft stores, and we often drive all the way down to Sugarland just to visit this. location. There have been some horror stories about the staff from other people, but none for me other than the closing time incidents. They have better stock than most locations and sometimes are really friendly. The lines usually aren't too long and the weight is often not bad. Barbie got upset when she saw that I was giving them four stars, so I will give them the fifth star just because Barbie told me too, but definitely they should work on the closing time issue. End of review. I'm team Barbie on this one. Me too, and I have photos. I love that though. Oh, good. In their good accompanying pictures, there were two.

Oh, yeah, Fox, get it. Describe. Oh, it's Fox flexing in front of Joanne Fabric's and crafts, but you can't really, it's hard to read the, the, it's more about Fox. Yeah, it says, Joanne of Arms. Oh, no. Is what it says. Oh, it says that. Oh, my God.

Like it said of Jonah Bark, I guess. What? And then the second one is Barbie's feet. Yeah, it's Barbie's feet and it says putting the sugar in sugar land and the feet are like sticking out of a car window, but you only see the feet. Yeah, they're barefoot. Tilted. Alexander, wow, he's getting all worked up over there. It's tilted and awful.

Joan of Arms, Joanna of Arms, and then putting the sugar in sugar lane. And it's her bare feet. Yeah. So I'm not going to post those on the internet. If you want to go find them, good luck. Good luck. Enjoy it. And that was the last one.

Okay. I have one more, and you're going to need to open my notes, but don't scroll yet. Great. What's going to happen is I'm going to read a review. Okay. And then I'm going to have you guess what product they have an issue with. And then you're going to scroll down and look at the product. Okay.

But I guess first. Vince. Uh, yeah. Okay. This is a one star review. And just in case it's helpful, I'll tell you which, uh, which one this is. This is a Joanne Fabric and Crafts in, uh, it's outside Boston. It's Saugus.

What the fuck is Saugus? Sorry, Saugus. I don't know. Anyway, here we go. Spell that. Saugis, Massachusetts. I don't fucking know. Spell it.

S-A-U-S. Oh. Saugus? Oh. Oh, they're fine. One start. An unexceptionable business selection. I will encourage all to avoid Joanne's and to boycott Mattel products.

End of review. Is it a Ken? No. No, that was my only thought, Barbie or Ken. Some sort of Barbie or Ken. It's something that I don't think you are familiar with. Maybe you are. I actually don't know.

Should I scroll or should I keep guessing? Yeah, I don't think you want to keep guessing. Well, hold on. I forgot to mention the caption. for this. If you, like, hover over the photo is disgusting. They spelled disgusting wrong. Okay. Is it like a type of fabric that has something on it? Nope. It's a, it's a Mattel product on the shelf for $39.99. Jesus. Um, a Bob the builder, Shrinky Dink set. Wow, that does sound pretty offensive.

But no, um, scroll down, take a look and then describe for the people. I don't even know. It's insane. It's called Flushing Frenzy. Poop, there it is. It says push the plunger till the poop pops up. And it is, oh, toilet included. Fantastic. Yeah.

Yeah, it is for two to four players, stages five and up. You basically have this really bumpy, grainy looking poop turd flying out of a, toilet he has a lot of teeth i will say as far as a poop goes i think he has more teeth than an actual human mouth which is unsettling um but he is flying out of a toilet and the the hands the little boy's hands are about a centimeter from grabbing it a bear turd with his bare hands so i mean i'm not like totally in disagreement with the reviewer oh yeah um about like this is not disgusting yeah it's pretty disgusting but like i wouldn't say boycott the entire store because of it frankly, it's not that big of a deal, but I would turn this around, so I wouldn't have to look at

that poop. I really wouldn't want to look at it. That would be my form of protest. Totally agreed. Yeah, yeah. We're just like sharpy the teeth. I don't know why. The teeth are a lot in the tongue. The teeth, sharping the teeth seems like a good idea until you do it and realize you can't undo it. And then I would argue it's probably actually the worst thing you could have done. It's just a poop with a gaping hole of a mouth. Yeah. It's, it's getting worse by the moment. Yeah. Oh, good thing. I'm done. All right. So before we get to my challenge, I have a voicemail for us. This was sent in by Annie, and it's just so, it's just so random.

It just might work. It made me day. It made me day. I was going to say it made me laugh. It made me day. It made me day when Annie sent this one in. Okay, here we go. Hi, Christine and Sandy. I wanted to tell you about the only good review that I've ever gotten, which

was a very long time ago in the early aughts. I was in college and I went to student health as you do. And I got my female exam. And I was, you know, in the stirrups. And the doctor said, I've got, you know, some students, do you mind if they come in? And I was like, oh, sure, because I didn't I don't say no anyway. How old? And then like seven people came in. And the doctor said, this is a perfect cervix.

I was like, wow, the perfect cervix. Very, very excited about that. That's the only time anyone's ever said that. So, but I keep it with me. No, really? And I have it forever. Okay, thanks, bye. I'm like, oh, you keep your cervix with it?

with you? Oh, good. That was like, I hope so. Don't put it on loan. Don't let anyone borrow that. So that's the, the model that I saw made was probably was yours. Was that yours? Yeah. The perfect one. That's insane. Yeah. What were you asking? What? How old? I heard students and I was like, how old are these? It's like a, no, where that I was not paying attention. I was. You know, when you go to the doctor and they're like, oh, I have some medical students. Okay. Yeah, I've never. Yeah. I don't know. It's just when I said that I have students. Oh, I don't know. That happens to me.

I feel like a lot. So usually, I don't know. I do. Yeah. Where they're like, oh, we have some. You know, I don't know. Can they come in and sit in and ask questions and stuff? I don't know.

Oh. Yeah, I was a bit of a medical anomaly at one point. Yeah. No, I wouldn't say Marvel. I'm marvelous. Anyway, what a story. What a review. I know.

I got to be honest. I don't think that's your only positive review. I'm sure there are others. If that one counts, if that one counts, there are probably others you've had. Oh, I was going to say,

if that one is a five-star review and, yeah, as you said, counts as one, like don't doubt any other compliments you've gotten. Those are all five stars.

Go get more exams. Yeah. Get rack them up. Rack up the cervix comment. Are there any students here today? Just seeking some. Do you want to show this cervix to anyone? Hey,

yeah, what do you think of my cervix? Yeah. On a scale of one to 10. Well, 11. And if you have a story to send in to us anything, really, it can be a review. Mainly about your cervix, though. Well, it can be a review of your cervixies or any other part of your bodily anatomy or any part of your life. And you can go to Beach2 Sandy's Patreon, patreon.com slash beach two Sandy.

And you have access to our voicemail box and ad for episodes and videos and a lot of other stuff and bonus episodes. So go check it out. And now it is on to the challenge. All righty. So my challenge today is very made for me, I feel. It is reviews calling for a revolution. Like Tracy Chapman. Yes, just like Tracy Chapman. You know what it sounds like? Hmm. I will also say that Tracy Chapman does not fit the bill because it said parentheses the weirder, the better. And I just feel that her kind of a revolution is really not that weird or unnecessary. It's actually quite necessary. It's actually quite important and crucial to democracy.

Yeah. So here's her. I have some pretty wild ones. This one is the one I found on TripAdvisor of Troytown Farm. Now, this is in England. And, uh-oh. It's a farm, literally. Somebody, a German person. I know it gets worse every word. A German person wrote this review. And you know the NHS over there. Yes.

Okay, so it says the title of the review is NHS says, no, but it is too yummy. Okay. What, like asparagus? What did Germans? I don't know. You'll see. It's a picture of a refrigerator with a lot of jugs of milk and yogurt. Oh, God.

It's like a dairy farm. The TripAdvisor Review contains features photos and that's what they're referring to in them. I was a reviewer's profile photo or what? Oh, I see. No, the reviewers profile photo is a cruise ship. Oh. Five stars of this farm and it's specifically seeming to reference the dairy products. Oh, I'm going to love this.

No idea how many calories you get with one portion, but those were yummy calories, which ruins your brain. Even brain says, no, stop eating your palate. We'll start a revolution that you try it. And if you plan to add the clotted cream, let your doctor take your blood before you eat it. Otherwise, you will deeply regret it. The only excuse, have someone with a gun with you who forces you to try the ice cream as you know that sounds like a german i actually hadn't read all the way to the gun yet that shocked my system like deeply that i saw the gun that shocked me like and they're trying to be funny and it is funny in their own way i can't resist those calories and it's like but it's funny because they're not very good at being funny yeah it's funny because um take the doctor

let the doctor take your blood before you eat this clotted cream what an insane sentence um yeah But yeah, I guess the palate will start a revolution and you try one more time. What does that even? I don't even. I don't even know. More dairy. Or less. I can't.

Yeah, I can't tell either. And it says that you got to test your blood beforehand. If you don't, if you do want to regret it. Otherwise, you don't want to regret it. Wait. You better get your blood taken. But wouldn't that make you regret it if you check the before and after? It would.

Um, but maybe it would be like another medical marvel. That's true. Dairy and cervix go hand in hand. That's what I've heard. That's why your cervix strong. That's why I'm a virgin. Oh, I mean a vegan. That's what I meant to say.

So this is from Stacey, and it is a review from cruzcritic.com. And we don't often get reviews from Cruise Critic just because oftentimes it's a forum. It's usually just nonsense. Well, don't. Am I wrong? Don't be worried. This is also nonsense. I don't want to get your head into the wrong vibe.

here. No, this is still nonsense, but it is in the form of a one-star review. Uh, and it is titled Worst Celebrity Cruise. Revolution of Celebrity will be a revolt by guests. Jesus Christ. This is, uh, someone in their 60s. I'm just reading this. People on a cruise revolting like, please. I'm going to send them off. Wait, do you realize that that first person had a cruise ship in their picture? Now this person's a cruiser, cool cruiser. So, you seek them out. It's not like some crazy coincidence. You seek these freaks out.

Perception is reality. Okay. This is a review for the Bahamas cruise on Celebrity Edge. I guess that's the boat. I hope it is. What else would it be? Celebrity Edge. I thought maybe that was like the name of the platform they were reviewing.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I know it sounds the pornographic. It does. So additional details. This took place December 2018.

They stayed in a celebrity suite. They are in their 60s, and they've done at least 10 cruises. So here we go. Save your money, save your time, save your breath for complaining. You will need it. We were sweet-class guests traveling in a sky suite, so we had access to the retreat with our fair. Firstly, let's just say this ship is not your typical celebrity experience. There is no secluded Michel's Club, they spelled Michael's drunk.

With an intimate gentleman's club feel, there is no luxurious Lumini restaurant with comfortable seating, attentive servers, and smiles with flavorful food. There is no special invite to meet the senior officers aboard, and no music you can listen to to relax. The first mistake celebrity cruises made was they recruited or elevated staff from other ships that are all prima donnas. Any HR person will tell you, prima don't work well with each. other. We saw staff walk right by others with no teamwork between them, no acknowledgments to each other or the guests. It just like stop to do trust falls in the hallway. Right? I know. I was like, what are we doing like secret handshakes? Like what? Stop it.

The manager in the retreat was from the reflection vessel. I guess he did an okay job. Well, on this ship he is in over his head. The retreat was a mess. No serving staff stuck up concierge, dirty toilets, and when food came out, it ran out and was never replaced. All the chairs in the retreat are so uncomfortable it makes you want to leave as soon as you sit down. Plus, don't even get me started on the private pool deck with no shade, terrible drinks that you have to pay for unless you have a drink package and tables glued to the deck floor so you can't move them nor set a drink on them. Just awful. The entire experience was not celebrity worthy. Watch out for the revolution on the solstice class ships. It won't be the only

revolt celebrity will see coming. End of review. Like, there's a secret network of cruisers where, like, when the code word drops, they all, like, revolt together on different ships at the same time, a coordinated attack. And you're telling them your plan? Very. Unless this is, like, a bluff. Like, this is ridiculous. Maybe this is a red herring. Oh, yeah.

Maybe it's not even on celebrity. Maybe it's on, like, a different cruise ship, like, Carnival. Yeah. And then I have this. Well, I feel like Carnival is. easier because it's like, well, it is a carnival cruise. Like, things can get pretty, you know, I feel like if you call it celebrity, you set a precedent that this is going to be like.

If you call it celebrity edge, don't get me started. Oh, amen. What do you expect from that? Pineapples everywhere. Oh, oh. Now I'm going to read this last bit. This is the cabin review specifically. He actually rated every single section and there are, boy, oh boy, like eight.

And the only one that got a five, everything got a, one except Embarcation, which got five stars. Wow, what a good embarkation. I know, right? And so here is the one-star view of the suite itself. Sky sweet, soft gray hues, and relaxing. Bed is comfortable. Sofa and rocking chair are totally uncomfortable with fabric made for outside.

The rocking chair was placed outside on Bel. Joanne's. That's all I'm saying. Oh, boy. Now they're bankrupt. If only celebrity had used Joanne for their fabrics, But it's outdoor material because you're supposed to be able to put them in and out on the balcony. Whatever.

It's fine. The rocking chair was placed outside on balcony because it is too large for the room and your ankles. It's not meant for the room. The rocking chair's meant for the outside, dummy. You're a expert over here. I am a celebrity. I know rocking chairs. That's so true.

Your ankles will appreciate it. Brand new ship and the sofa was ripped already from this rocker chair. So you fucking ripped it with the chair? Good job. What? no coffee table for room service trays no foot ottoman on the balcony and chairs do not recline bathroom is nice with stupid mirrors that fog up if you don't open them while showering the water floods the floor so watch out for slipping unless you have medical alert no bulgari toiletries anymore all full-sized bottles that who knows what the last guest used them for oh my gosh what are you talking about it's shampoo weird I don't trust that. Bring your own.

No butler, by the way. Get to know your room attendant instead. Didn't feel like the $7,000 trip we expected. It's like staying at a renovated Marriott Hotel. Oh, no. Okay. That kind of money, though. Jesus Christ.

How long is this tour or this cruise? I have no idea. Seven grand. It's a lot of money. For a cruise? It's a December cruise. I have no idea. I think you'd have to pay me seven grand to get on a cruise.

Don't think about it, people. Yeah, they should think about paying me to get on there. I would take it. I would do it. So we paid me to get on. That's the only thing that would make me get on. And then we'd get a green screen and we'd be like, yes, we used the 7,000 for this nice cruise. And then we would go take the seven grand and go to Vegas or something.

I was going to say gamble somewhere else. Yeah. So this is the last thing I have. It's also from Stacey. And this is from QTalk, the QVC blog that we all know and love. Oh, Stacy. Wow. Stacey's really nailing it. So here we go. This is called, this is by a contributor called Whammy with an eye. No whammy, no whammy, no whammy, no whammy. And Whammy's an occasional contributor, it says. And the title of this is. No, not very prolific. Only 14 posts. And this is called website problems. And it's the topic. And I'm just going to read this. And by the way, there are no responses. So.

there will be when you're done when you have something to say well the thing is there are 139 views of this post under 40 no wonder she's a occasional contributor nobody fucking responds yeah i don't yeah i'll go respond after this i just tried to check out items recently on air and as usual i encountered a problem it kept showing me info on jane's show not isaac's show so this is what i'm going to do every time i encounter a problem i'm going to log on and say something hopefully others will fall suit, and we can start a revolution. Viva la revolution! Woot emoticon.

Woot, woot. Sorry if I seem silly. It is just so darn frustrating. End of review. Going mad with power. Mad with power. Nobody responded. The revolutionaries.

She labeled it, Q did what? I actually don't really know. I still don't understand what happened. What they did wrong? I don't either. I'm going to be honest. And she's like, let's start a revolution.

I'm like, this has 139 views, zero responses. It's their underground, Christia. That's got to hurt. Maybe. Maybe they're all meeting on the celebrity edge. Yeah, yeah. They're all edge in. Oh, boy.

Well, that's all I got. Oh, boy. Before we start our next revolution, we better go freshen up. So if you're ready to join us, you can do so. We will make you pay to be part of the club. So go to patreon.com slash B.D.C. Sandy. Otherwise, we'll see you on the secret. meeting boards about the secret revolution that only the real ones now.

Yeah, and on tour. Those are our meetings. Those are the meetings we have. And next will definitely not be in St. Louis, Omaha, hello, and St. Louis, oh, wait, Kansas City, Omaha, St. Louis, then Chicago. It's like so interesting that that just happens to be mob land, you know. Yeah, just wait until we're in Texas. Woof.

You better bring a gun in case you want to eat. some ice cream. All right. We had fun. Bye.