Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 356: Reviews of Hair Removal Products

Episode Date: September 24, 2025

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach to Sandy Water Too Wet. This is a podcast where we siblings read really ridiculous reviews for you to listen to. Hi, I'm Zandi. Hi, I'm X-teen. Question, what are we recording right now? Are we doing hair removal products?
Starting point is 00:00:55 I hope so. Okay, great. Yeah, right after we recorded. ad for Nutrafol? Great point, Alexinner. Great point. Which is not in, we're not reading reviews of Nutrafol because it's not a hair removal product. That's right. Promocode beach. No, I, I'm excited for this one. I, hair removal products is something that I'm shocked. We haven't done before. It feels like it's rife with drama. I feel like we have read reviews of hair removal products. I have
Starting point is 00:01:30 for a challenge or something else, but I remember reading some horrific things. And I don't think I did that, like, in my spare time. Just for fun. You know, I don't think I went to those reviews because reading reviews has become work for me. So, yeah. Have you ever tried Nair? No. I don't think so.
Starting point is 00:01:51 Wouldn't recommend. I mean, everything I've read, the idea of it, like on paper, great. I've never heard it go well. I mean, I guess people don't talk about it when it goes well, because why would they? The smell. The smell? I've heard about, oh, we've got things to talk about, I think. The smell.
Starting point is 00:02:09 It is, there's nothing. I remember I would put it on and go, I am actively dumping some sort of chemical that should not be human grade or is not human. There's no way in hell that that smell is supposed to be good for your body. I remember just sitting there going, the whole bathroom has fumes. I feel like I'm going to faint. Yeah, it's like sulfur, all this shit. Well, they were fumigating your house at that same time, right? Well, that's what I said, because everyone said, why did everything in, like, a one-mile radius, like, all the bugs and stuff just kind of, like, keel over.
Starting point is 00:02:43 And I said, oh, I was fumigating. What I really meant was I was trying to do. Nair, you're bathing in Nair. I was basically trying to do my own Brazilian with Nair, and it didn't go well. And I'll tell you what, you put that. You don't give this to people trying to get rid of their hair They're going to put it everywhere It's going to say on the bottle don't put this anywhere
Starting point is 00:03:04 But your legs Oh really? What the hell? But your legs? Okay, sorry. And then it's going to be like, well, I'm sure that my little chin hairs could use a little trim I'm sure that my little, you know, down there I don't want to do wax and all that But then you're like, what is this smell? And it is so close to many orifices of my body It can't be good.
Starting point is 00:03:22 So yeah, this felt like And I used to use it all the time and I was like, fuck it. You know, it's like, pain is beautiful. you know what I mean? Pain is beauty? That's a weird way to put it. Is that not how it is? I thought it's beauty is pain, but I feel like they sound different.
Starting point is 00:03:37 I guess they're the same thing. No, are they the same thing? No, because I feel like you're just a sadist if you say pain is beauty. Yeah, that's pretty dark. Don't quote me on that unless it's, you know, cool and popular in emo, and then you can use it. Don't quote us on anything. That's true, actually. That's like a blanket statement for the whole show.
Starting point is 00:03:56 Well, I have a review to get us started from Kirstie. This is a review of no hair crew. Intimate hair removal cream for men, 100 milliliters. Gentle and effective hair removal for pubic area, balls, and groin. No razor burn, dermatologically tested. 26,000 reviews. Same pubic area seems so like vague and polite and then you're like, balls. Is that what I said?
Starting point is 00:04:22 It says pubic area, comma, balls and groin. There's no, there's no, there's no Oxford comma, so it's pubic area comma, balls and groin. Okay, I guess they're a package deal, wink. Yeah, and then on the front is like a super muscular dude and wearing sweatpants. And that's, but you don't see anything above the bottom four abs. So it's cut off at the, at the top two abs that I assume are there because this guy's shredded. Yeah, sure. And then it goes down to where you see the sweatpants and then cut off at the top.
Starting point is 00:04:55 thigh. So it's not even the part that you, they tell you to use it on. That's not your balls at least. I don't think that's your pubic area. What's your? I don't know. Once you get that many abs, I think you kind of are in a different echelon of human form and I wouldn't know anything about it. That's true. A lot of veins. I don't like it. It's scary. I don't want veins. I know I have them, but I want to pretend I don't. Anyway, here's a one-star review. Leone, I looked at my leg and said, I want to wipe this blue stuff off, but I was like, okay. You're like, me too. Like, let's not go there.
Starting point is 00:05:29 Here's a one-star review. Titled, Feel Like They've Been Put in a Meat Cleaver. Never used anything like this before, so I thought I'd give it a go. I was all ready to make my down-below area all smooth and soft. Applying the cream was the easiest part. After leaving the cream on for three minutes, I realized I was about to endure the worst hour of my life.
Starting point is 00:05:50 Oh, my God. As I moonwalked like Michael Jackson across the bathroom floor, the pain became unbearable. I knew the only thing I could do was to try and jump in the shower, which proved to be very difficult with two burning balls. At this point, I felt like I was being castrated and knew the only thing to do was phoneway partner for help. As she ran up the stairs, she could hear only what I can describe as a bull being castrated.
Starting point is 00:06:14 To her absolute delight, she was relieved that they had not fallen off, but were the color of someone who had lay in the Sahara Desert for 48 hours. Once she had cleared the tears of laughter from her face, she soon realized I was in severe pain. She suggested doing the ice bucket challenge again, but this time not over the head, it should go over, but slowly lower my genitals into a nice cold bucket of ice. The other, yeah. Yeah, you know, that one. The ice bucket dunk.
Starting point is 00:06:42 Never mind. The thought of this made me want to chop my own. It's called the ice tea bag. There you go. Ice tea. Whoa. Wow, that was pretty good. The thought of this made me want to chop my own private parts off, so instead she scrambled
Starting point is 00:06:57 around the house searching for any type of cream there was. As I lay on the bed and only what I can describe as pure torture, she saturated my manhood in every cream possible. Oh my God. I tried to be a man and hold back the tears, but it was too much. I felt like there had been a tub of acid poured over my parts, which probably would have been easier to cope with. Now I look like I have two pigs dipped in boiling water, so in a nutshell, don't buy this cream. End of review. Oh, my Christ. Okay.
Starting point is 00:07:23 Keith was going through it. It's a little dramatic. Just a little. I mean, okay. If you use castrated more than once. Right, right, right, right. I like to, when people say like, metaphorically. And like, I'm not to like immediately knock him down a few picks, but like, were you really moonwalking like Michael Jackson across the bathroom?
Starting point is 00:07:41 Somehow I doubt that that was what actually was occurring. A claim like that needs video proof. That's right. I don't want it. Nope, not for this. Honestly, I would watch it. I know you would. Disturbing, disturbing all around.
Starting point is 00:07:55 And I'm so glad you brought that first because I actually have one here. And Stacey wrote, this is great, Stacey wrote a little note with the submission. It says, the trauma I can still smell from trying to use an air back in 2006. Yeah, that was and gagging from the sulfur and burning on my skin. And that little plastic scraper that was supposed to effortlessly take, effortlessly take your hair off. But realize later in life, it's a tiny cheaper version of the spatula you get with a rice cooker. And I was like, that's what that reminds me of because Blaisd's this rice cooker
Starting point is 00:08:24 and I'm always like, what does this spatula thing remind me of? It's to get the hair. Oh, God. It's so traumatizing. So happy to see the exact same thing happening almost 20 years later. Here's a review of Nair on the Kmart website, okay? This is a one-star review by Phoebe called Chemical Burn.
Starting point is 00:08:42 Written a month ago. Don't use this product unless you wanted to feel like your face was stabbed by 100 tiny knives and, after all that, still have facial hair. If that is what you want, I recommend therapy. It says, would you use this product as a replacement for visiting the salon? No. There is a photo.
Starting point is 00:09:05 I will spare all of us and the person. But they are also dyeing their hair bright orange in the same session as doing that. So they're going to be looking like a little pot potato, red hair. red face like a hot potato also they really smeared it all over their face it's not supposed to be for your face
Starting point is 00:09:29 it's not supposed to be for anywhere probably but especially that I'm not blaming the person because again I don't think it's like abundantly clear but man this stuff stinks got a heat miser thing going on I don't get it
Starting point is 00:09:50 Look up heat miser I know what he looks like But I don't remember what that has to do Like orange hair and red Like a hot potato Oh I was picturing the snowman From that movie
Starting point is 00:09:59 Oh Frosty Oh So It's like that's a common mix All right Leona's in school For full days now
Starting point is 00:10:14 Which gives me So much time, but among all that time, I don't want to waste it trying to figure out what to do for dinner because I never know. Nobody ever knows. I never want to figure it out. And that's where Home Chef has really changed the game for me. I feel like a lot less pressure is put on both Blaze and me for what to figure out for dinner, especially for the three-year-old. And that's the reason why Home Chef is rated number one by users of other meal kits for quality, convenience, value, taste, and recipe ease. All of those? All of them? Whatever kind of. today it is. And I know there are many. Classic recipes with fresh ingredients. They have 30-minute meals. They have oven-ready trays, quick microwave options. It's basically like a range of how much time and energy and bandwidth you have. And Home Chef has you covered. They're all delicious. They even have a dedicated family menu that's really easy. Hassel-free. That's my new favorite adjective, hassle-free. That's a great one. That's what we all need. For a limited time,
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Starting point is 00:11:45 If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531, 2,600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. But MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. My next one is a veneer product. Don't worry. This is from Lily, she her, who sent in a review of the men's body cream. Here is a five-star review titled Extreme Pain. Oh. I bought this product.
Starting point is 00:12:13 a couple of days ago and have been in extreme pain along with severe burns to my nether regions honestly cannot complain about the taste taste is on another level end of review I have no idea what I'm so high out of my gourd after eating this fucking nuclear what waste or whatever it is and sulfur sulfur acid severe burns might just be what you ate coming out you know if it's a it says to the nether regions That's what you ate coming out. I mean, this guy's, this person's... Oh, he ate the nair.
Starting point is 00:12:48 Oh, it's burning him from the inside out, you're saying. Well, once it comes out, the other side. Yeah, yeah. That's got a hurt. That's got a hurt. Oh, God, but at least all the hair inside your body is going to be taken care of. That butthole, though, so, so smooth. No one can have a smoother butt than you and colon than you.
Starting point is 00:13:06 It probably bleach it, too. I mean, actually, if you're already doing this, you might as well bleach it. It might as well bleached it. It might as well bleached it. I don't know. If you drink enough of it. Don't drink bleach. Okay, don't drink either.
Starting point is 00:13:20 Thanks, Sandy. I'm going to be quiet. Just boof it. What's that? Nothing. I don't know. Anika and Maddie sent this in. She they and she her, respectively.
Starting point is 00:13:32 Okay. This is a review. One star of we're going to, we're going to sharper objects here now. We're going to razor razors. Oh, okay. Yeah. Can I be honest? I didn't even, like, think of razors.
Starting point is 00:13:47 Wait, really? Hair removal products. I really was only thinking of creams. Like, I was thinking very, yeah. Not even wax. I was literally just thinking just Nair and Nair adjacent things. I mean, listen, that is its own, that is plenty of content. Nair, I'm sure, has decades.
Starting point is 00:14:04 We could probably do a whole podcast on there and we're not going to, so don't ask. This is a review of a shower, a one razor. one shower hanger, 12 refills. It's a Venus razor, one of the many, in some form of a pastel color that claims to have more blades and moisture or whatever. The title of this one's review is so much blood. Oh, my God, no.
Starting point is 00:14:30 Verified purchase. I'm already, no. Safety warning! One thumbs down on this one, pun intended. I was really excited to see an alternative cheaper option to Venus. Oh, okay. sorry it is not Venus.
Starting point is 00:14:43 I should put that out there before I get fucking sued by Gillette or whoever the fuck, P&G. Oh, T&G, we're fucking dead. Cheaper option. You live across the river from them. You're literally going to be dead soon. They're going to, they know.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Yeah, I'm sure. They have tunnels, I'm sure, under you. I'm sure. Yeah, the same thing. Some people literally think they're a cult. It's a whole thing. What? I'll talk to you about later.
Starting point is 00:15:05 Okay. Not here. I was going to say, be careful. They're listening. I was really excited to see an alternative cheaper option to Venus. However, with Venus, I never cut myself while just trying to open the little plastic covering
Starting point is 00:15:16 that protects the razors. This is because Venus has a... Oh, when I said sharper objects, I didn't mean the razors. I meant the actual just plastic package. Got it. That makes so... The blister pack. God, that should have been what I thought of, honestly. Blister packs should be illegal, so for what that's worth.
Starting point is 00:15:31 Christine 2024. This is because Venus has a covering going from below the razor to the top of the razor. The Solimo razor has the covering going from the top of the razor to the bottom of the razor, causing you to potentially cut yourself when removing the covering by pushing your thumb up very close to the blades.
Starting point is 00:15:47 As a result, my thumb was bleeding all over the shower. It is not fun to try to dry yourself off with a bleeding thumb in hand. A safer alternative on how to open the covering is to grip it from the two sides and pull up. But when you're in the shower and you're used to Venus ones where you just pull down from the middle,
Starting point is 00:16:03 you don't think about this until you're bleeding everywhere. I am hopeful that this brand will change their style so that it is impossible to cut yourself while opening the cover. Maybe this is something they should not have tried to innovate and just instead copied the Venus design. I am truly disappointed as this happened three days before a family vacation and I will definitely need both of my thumbs while packing. Which like you can sort of argue in any scenario, it would be beneficial to not harm, injure one of your two thumbs.
Starting point is 00:16:34 Yeah, I was wondering what they were about to say and I had that thought. Wow, they can say literally anything. Literally anything. And there's more here. This happened days before a family vacation. I will definitely need both of my thumbs while packing, getting the kids ready, and everything else. I am truly disappointed. In summary, while the razor does work as it says it does, I highly recommend that you be careful when you take off that covering.
Starting point is 00:16:58 And once you get it off safely, maybe you just keep it off and never put it back on again to avoid any future bleeding. I thought it was a blister pack, I guess. Listen, Amazon, if you fix. You were unintentionally leading us. through a series of twists and turns. It's all part of the plan. It's harder to pin me down for a lawsuit that way. I was wondering, because they were talking about opening it over and over again.
Starting point is 00:17:22 I was like, what kind of blister pack is this? And now I was going to say, what kind of masochist is, sadomasochists is this? But yeah, that's what it is. No, oh my God. Yeah, there are also photos. Again, I will spare everybody. Is it the plastic cover that goes on? I just see a bloody, a bloody thumb.
Starting point is 00:17:37 I don't mean, is that what they're talking about? I don't have any idea. I have no idea because there is no picture of packaging. There's just three, there are three pictures of this wounded thumb. Yikes. One with blood and two bandaged up for some reason. For insurance purposes and a lawsuit. I was going to say to prove to the husband, sorry I can't pack or get the kids ready.
Starting point is 00:17:58 Or anything else. And it's officially published online. That's right. Yeah. It's proof. My next one is also from Kirstie, who sent in the one of the no hair crew, the first one. And it's another no hair crew, intimate hair. Removal review, and this is a one-star review by Gary, titled, This Will Remove Hair and
Starting point is 00:18:15 What It Is Attached to. Oh, no! If you ever have the burning desire to find out how it feels to have the twins immolated in napalm, then this is for you. I'm not a religious man, but by God, have I been praying for the pain to end? Every pair of underwear feels like 80-grit sandpaper. Don't let their claim of soothing seaweed fool you either. Soothing seaweed!
Starting point is 00:18:38 They probably swapped it out for a lionfish or something. So in summary, if you want to experience true agony, I fully recommend end of review. Oh, my God. And they all have like that aloe on the front. And you're like, bullshit, lavender aloe, like a nice lotion. Oh, it's just going to tingle a little bit and be refreshing. The more it's trying to convince you how soothing it is, the less convinced. Like when they say it's so moisturizing.
Starting point is 00:19:02 I'm like, bullshit. I am curious why it's so, like, there's so many reviews that state the complete opposite that it worked exactly as intended, that nothing went wrong. I think it's probably just some people have sensitive skin. Okay, yeah, just a sensitive skin thing. And like sensitive to different things. And I think probably everyone has some sensitivity to nuclear chemical waste being poured onto their nether regions.
Starting point is 00:19:25 But some of us just know pain is beauty and beauty is pain. And we just suck it up. Or we have enough like microplastics in us and we can't even feel it. That's exactly right. You just get to a point where you're jaded. And it's like, oh, they're just, I'm half plastic at this point. Yeah. Um, okay, this is from half blister packs, you know, half blister packs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, Onica, and it's not in an intentional way like some people who get work done. It's just an unintentional way. Oh, yeah. It's just from consuming things in our world. Just like living my life. That's where the microplastics come from. Also, from Onica and Maddie. What's wrong with me? I think it's Onica. This is also from Onica and Maddie. It's of European Wax Center. It's a two-star evaluation.
Starting point is 00:20:09 by Steve, a local guide. Yikes. I didn't even know I was in there. Okay. European Wax Center owner responded, Steve, did you visit EWC? We work really hard for five-star reviews. End of review.
Starting point is 00:20:28 Oh, no. Steve, were you fucking in there or not? Clearly not. I mean, not long enough to know. Not long enough to know and not smooth enough down there to give more than two stars. Oh, yeah. We should examine the nether region.
Starting point is 00:20:42 Should we? Should we? You don't have to. I don't want to. What is going on with you today? You're really invested in people's nether regions. Literally, that's all what my reviews are about. I know, but you keep saying you want to see pictures of it.
Starting point is 00:20:56 Okay. Sue me. I'm trying. Like, not, like, secret photos. I think this, I think this person should go in and show and be like, this is proof I wasn't in But like, here's what I'll say, like, you didn't want a picture of the heat miser frosty situation where she got a chemical burn on her face, but you did want a picture of this man's, no.
Starting point is 00:21:21 Yeah, I didn't like specific. I was too busy thing of heat miser to try to come up with that to worry about asking for a photo. But I didn't say I didn't want the photo. That is one of your fatal flaws. I didn't even know there was, but there is a photo. I forgot. Wait, I forgot there was a photo.
Starting point is 00:21:37 Oh, yeah. How would I know she had orange. hair and orange face. I don't know, Christina. I don't know what you get up to. I don't know what you get up to. How would I know she look just like frosty snowman in this picture?
Starting point is 00:21:47 How else would I have known that on this? You got it for one fucking second. I'm not thinking today. I'm sorry. You're just thinking of heat miser and fucking get him out of your head. I've never even watched that fucking movie. Me neither. I know you haven't.
Starting point is 00:22:00 I mean, I'm obvious. It's obvious. I've not seen it. Yeah. I one time watched Tim watch it. And that was his experience. That was that was more.
Starting point is 00:22:09 the one way one way glass i you know basically because when he watches cb he kind of tones out that zones out and so i was standing there like huh because he was so into it um anyway your turn he's so into it was you're making it sounds so weird it's like how i watch the grinch like i make everybody be really quiet and listen to every word like i care very much that's it's like his christmas movie you know you you recite it as he goes You also recite it? Yeah. Christina, you said, are you kidding me?
Starting point is 00:22:44 You said like every other line. I thought you meant the heat miser one. No. I was like, I don't fucking know the words, Alexander. Obviously, I'm not doing that. Yes. Meiser. And then remember dad walked in and said, I said, he's like, what is this?
Starting point is 00:22:58 And I was like, it's the Grinch. First of all, shut the fuck up. I'm watching the Grinch. Everybody shut up. And then he said, I've never met this man. And I said, what the fuck? How would you have met this man? And also, how does he not know who the Grinch is?
Starting point is 00:23:09 And of course you have. Met him. Yeah, I'm sure you have. In the mirror every morning. Yeah. In the mirror. This is from Shroomy, she, her. This is a Viet two minute cream.
Starting point is 00:23:23 Been there done that. It's a professional two minute hair removal cream for all skin types. Think about it. It's there. All skin types. Two minutes. Yeah. With shape of it.
Starting point is 00:23:31 Think about what it's doing on your skin to get all the hair off. And then you take a little rice cooker spatula and just go. Stop. out of the center it's like crazy it's like medieval i hate it and i used to do it all the time like every week if anyone's listening is like i'm uncomfortable i had to read all this shit and i hate this stuff i this freaks me out like i because the scraping thing i don't like that well it doesn't you're not scraping anything i know but you keep saying scraping and it makes me think it's like oh that's a great word like that's what it is oh i think i have the i'm picturing it like taking too much off
Starting point is 00:24:09 Oh I think I've read a review like that Oh, okay Anyway This is a redemption And my final one today Before my challenge Title is
Starting point is 00:24:19 Holy shit It works Okay, this stuff is legit magic in a bottle I was skeptical About a two-minute hair removal But wow, it actually works that fast I used it on my bikini line
Starting point is 00:24:32 And it came out so smooth Without that burning feeling Some other creams give I love that it's quick Doesn't dry out my skin and gives me that soft, clean feel. I spent $3,000 on laser hair removal, and it did not work. It only thinned my hair.
Starting point is 00:24:46 It did work on underarms, but legs and bikini nothing, total waste. I guess because I am blonde, it does nothing, and dark hair laser works. Anyways, I absolutely cannot shave anymore, and am so tired of long shaving periods in the shower, wasting water and spending so much on razors. Also, I have never gotten waxed. I don't want to waste my money on that, and I am not comfortable with froggy styling in front of some 20-something girl while she stares at my bottom kisser.
Starting point is 00:25:12 I get nothing... What is it? Bottom kisser. I've never heard that one. What... Your anus. What's it kissing, though? Like, it's kissing the bottom? Who's kissing the bottom?
Starting point is 00:25:23 Because it looks like a... Ew, okay. Is that the thing? You asked. Okay. If you get it, you have to get the full bikini one if you plan to go all in, L.O.L.
Starting point is 00:25:32 Honestly, it does not feel thick, did not take forever to rinse off, did not smell, and I use the spatula before and after. Also, if you're pregnant, got a little chubby chub, have an apron belly or a fupa, and find it difficult to see your hoo-ha or can't breathe because your folds are going into your diaphragm and you're about to pass out while shaving, then this is for you. Hold on my notebook.
Starting point is 00:25:53 Don't even bother with all that. Just slap on the cream. Don't spread it out and thin it down, literally slap it on like frosting a cake. Yep. Then wipe off after two minutes. I want to add, by the way, it does. It did work. I use it all the time because it worked, but I really also think what damage was I doing to myself and my sinuses in the process?
Starting point is 00:26:14 Yeah, good question. I waited five to six minutes. Six is the maximum. Just saying, this queen is not a gatekeeper. Just trying to help make your life easier like I am mine. No, I am not new to this stuff. I know it existed since I was a teen, but it has come a long way and v up their quality. Different than there.
Starting point is 00:26:32 This was a legit buy on here. It's the real stuff. End of review. Under 10 people found it helpful. Well, I'm just saying like, I guess, VET, wait, VET, is that the one? VET. VET is where it's at, I guess, because Nair is apparently getting a lot of hate one month ago for doing the same thing that I remember it doing in 2006. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:54 20 years haven't done much product development, I guess. And this was a few months ago, so VET is well ahead of the game. Good to know. So now when we're sued by Nair, they're going to use that in our, in there. This is from Rachel. She Hurts. My last one as well. And it is a redemption. This is of the Manscaped trademark, The Lawnmower. Copyright. 4.0. Manscape, the lawn mower 4.0 pro men's groin and body hair trimmer with additional skin safe replacement blade men's electric shaver. And a lot of those words have like copyright trademark, you know, all that nonsense. It's a mindful. Mindfield for sure. It's 120. You don't want to bring a lawnmower to a minefield. You know what I'm saying. Oh, true. Lawnmower TM.
Starting point is 00:27:39 Lawmower TM, yeah, my mistake. This is a $129 product. It was reviewed here on Walmart's website. Oh, sorry. It was reviewed here on Walmart's website, and it's a verified purchase. Five stars by Sir Maximus. And the title of the review is, nothing like clean, close shave.
Starting point is 00:28:01 And this was written in March of this year, so pretty timely. My father was a blue long. lingerie owner from Belgium. Oh, boy. I don't know how to do this. So this is an expert. I can't.
Starting point is 00:28:18 Sorry, that was a start. That was a, man, we need a challenge where it's, I don't know how even to word that. Oh, my God. That was the most ridiculous makes no sense start. Yes, like all la Renaissance paintings, you know, like, just like, what is happening here? My father was a boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French maid named Chloe with webbed feet.
Starting point is 00:28:44 I'm sorry, this isn't real. What's going on? It can't be real. But I read it and I just thought it's so insane that I'm like, I can't not read it. It's not like, it's not like lame enough to just be skipped. You know, like most of these copy pods type things, this one's just really fucking weird, okay? Oh, I can tell already. My mother was a 15-year-old French maid named Chloe with webbed feet.
Starting point is 00:29:06 My father would womanize he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sordid general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical summers and rangoon. I feel like this is, wow. My childhood was. typical summers and rangoon luge lessons in the spring we'd make meat helmets when i and what
Starting point is 00:29:43 it was the thing i said one time put we take doors off the hinges and slide out of the top story windows like all kids too oh now it's top story top story okay second story windows i mean it was a top story in when i did it in my head in your basement apartment my childhood was typical summers and rangoon luge lessons in the spring we'd make meat helmets when i was insulin i was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with It's pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, Azoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my pits. There really is nothing like a shorn groin.
Starting point is 00:30:18 It is breathtaking. I suggest you try it. End of review. They fucking ate at that. I don't know. I'm closing the tab. I'm out. I'm out.
Starting point is 00:30:30 Outy, bye. when I write things I draw from my own personal experiences quite often I'm afraid to know what parts of this draws from reality I felt really in touch with this person on a level I didn't expect like Zoroastrianism is a word I say like more frequently I think than most people do and so it's delightful when I see other people use the term and malaise I mean it's just a lot of it is a lot of good words in there a lot of good vocabulary a lot of irrelevant toys that I found delightful. Delightful. Okay. Especially the part where the father drinks and gets mean or the beating in the burlap sack with reeds, which immediately I was picturing Moses in the basket.
Starting point is 00:31:15 Pain is beauty. That's all I've got to say about that. That's a good point. Thank you. Oh, this old thing. Oh, that old hair. Oh, that old mane. Oh, how to get like that?
Starting point is 00:31:29 I remember it being so thin. And ugly? Okay, I'm just kidding. It wasn't that bad, but you used something for it, didn't you? I did. I have several autoimmune conditions. The odds that are so kindly just pointed out. And I am able to guilt him about this because I did have some hair thinning.
Starting point is 00:31:47 It was an issue I struggled with, some hair shedding. I've tried a number of things, but Nutrafol has been by far my favorite, the one that I've stuck to the longest. And that should tell you something. And Nutifol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand. by over one and a half million people and one, if you're including me. You can feel great about what you're putting into your body since Nutrafol hair growth supplements are backed by peer-reviewed studies and NSF contents certified, the gold standard and third-party certification for supplements. While many supplements rely solely on ingredient studies,
Starting point is 00:32:20 Nutriful actually clinically tests final formulations to ensure their efficacy. Okay, so they use things like hair counts, pole tests, all the things that like, I don't know, feel like proof to me, evidence to me, quality shedding and texture, all that good stuff, and they make sure it works. And I have had that experience as well, so I can definitely recommend it. You are living proof. That's right. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code Beach2 Sandy.
Starting point is 00:32:57 Find out why Nutraful is the best-selling hairgirl supplement brand at NutraFol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code Beach 2 Sandy. That's Nutraful.com, promo code Beach 2 Sandy. Are we ready for my challenge? I am. Because my challenge, to find reviews where a reviewer explains how nice they were to the staff. I knew that and somehow you saying it a lot still made me a lot because I really, I can't wait. And it's a good mix.
Starting point is 00:33:27 of, yeah, it's a good mix. I'll say that. My first one was sent in by Jamie, and it's of Dill Pickle Food Co-op. This is in Chicago, Illinois. And yeah, it's like a grocery co-op looking place. And this is a one-star review. Tonight, I was advised by a manager that I've been permanently banned. He collected photographs of me upon checkout each time I visited and accused me of hissing to his sales clerk. Most of the team members would begin a conversation with me, and I'm very enthusiastic about alternative healing, so I'm usually in a happy mood.
Starting point is 00:34:05 And if anyone asks me about working with energy, I'm happy to share. I only hiss when it really calls for it, okay? That's right. That's right. Sheesh. Many times I come here, bring my own bag, and the staff usually forgets to hand out a wooden pickle to donate to their local co-op causes. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds fun.
Starting point is 00:34:24 So this person brings their own. own bag, and I guess that leads to a wooden pickle being donated for some cause. But it sounds like it would be fun, and then this person ruined it. Probably, somehow. The really nice people who used to work here have permanently left, and for the past few visits here, I simply come here to either purchase wet food for my cat or essential oils. Tonight, I was not given a warning to tame down my silliness. Rather, I was treated like a criminal and not allowed to buy any oils.
Starting point is 00:34:52 I'm sure I'll find the oils I need on Amazon or Whole Foods, though. I'm shocked that instead of being told not to talk to his unfriendly two-faced staff members, I was banned here for life. I will advise anyone here not to chat with any of the employees here because Dill Pickle Co-op is a privately owned business. In fact, each and every time I made a purchase, the cashiers would ask me if I'm a paid owner. It was beyond annoying being asked the same question repeatedly. Don't they ask that for to give you a discount? Yeah, aren't you supposed to, isn't that part of the thing?
Starting point is 00:35:21 Like you get, yeah, like, R.E.I. and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. When I was visiting Minneapolis, went to the same co-op, like, multiple days in a row, and they asked me every day. Like, stop asking me that. It's like, it's for your own good. I think I said, like, I would if I lived here. That sounds like exactly what you would have said. Yeah. It is. And then I wouldn't. Just kidding. I'd like, never mind. I'm not going to defend hypothetical me.
Starting point is 00:35:44 It was beyond annoying being asked the same question repeatedly. There are so many wonderful stores in the city of Chicago that offer holistic wellness products. So I strongly advise people not to shop here. The young kids who work here are absolutely immature and not even capable of giving shoppers an educational shopping experience. I noticed over the past two years there's high turnover, fresh faces and absolutely no consistency with regards to merchandise being restocked on the shelves. I've never been banned from a grocery store before and I'll just keep people aware that your business here. Yeah, that doesn't happen. That's not a thing.
Starting point is 00:36:14 Like, take that and look inward. Saying that and being like, this place sucks for being the only grocery store to ban me. Right. Like one in the world. Uh, business here is definitely not appreciated, especially since I must have spent well over $1,000 purchasing essential oils here, end of review. What happened? They seem not to be working unless they bought $1,000 worth of the silliness essential oils.
Starting point is 00:36:38 Because they do seem to bring a lot of that to the table, huh? I am so curious what silliness means in this context. Oh, so I'm not allowed to do my silliness where I hiss at everyone. Yeah. I have no idea what that could mean. And I like, it pisses me off when they're so vague that, like, They're like, trust me. I didn't do anything weird.
Starting point is 00:36:56 I was being silly. This is special because usually they don't admit to doing anything. This time it's like they admitted to at least silliness. But it makes me want to know more because I'm like, okay, if you're saying you were being silly and it was apparently inappropriate and they took photos of you and told you to get out of the fucking store, like what in the world were you up to? Yes, it's so true. No offense to Jamie, but that was the least fitting one.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Okay. Because even though the reviewer mentioned being happy and enthusiastic about things, like it wasn't like too much, they were nice. It was negated by the hissing. It was negated by the like two-faced like insults, you know. I think, I think it, I think more if, Jamie, I think you brought such a good one, but it had to be read just for being so similar. That's not why you said earlier.
Starting point is 00:37:45 No, I didn't. Hit recording. Yeah, I originally banned Jamie from the podcast. Yeah, you took pictures and then you said, you're no long, you said, are you a member of our co-op? And then you said, get the fuck out. Yeah. If you're not a patron, I'm not, I'm going to be two-faced. I have a review here that was sent in by Ellie.
Starting point is 00:38:06 And this is of Visa, Tax, and Duty Free in England, in an airport. Oh, okay. I was just in one of those. In an airport? In a duty-free shop. Oh, did you get anything? And I was like, I got Leona a giant surprise egg, like a giant kinder egg. Oh, nice.
Starting point is 00:38:29 Wait, how giant? Well, it was like giant and it had little ones inside it. So it wasn't like, it wasn't like. Anyway, I was like, honestly, all I ever buy it does is chocolate. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's like chocolate and liquor, right?
Starting point is 00:38:44 What else do they have? Cigarettes. Oh, cigarettes. Oh, no. I was like, what the fuck? And it was in Egypt, right? So I'm like in Cairo and they're just like these vapes behind like locked cabinets. And I'm like, this is an interesting vibe.
Starting point is 00:38:58 That sounds like it, yes. Yeah. This is I think in Manchester, England. Okay. I tried to do some research. There are a couple locations of this. But here we go. Here is a five-star review.
Starting point is 00:39:08 It was by Christopher. We went through the duty-free shop as we always do, never buying anything, as everything is overpriced and cheaper at your destination, usually. This time was a different matter. as a person named Trisha Salmon served us. What? Trisha Salmon. I don't know. First of all, you should be so lucky, reviewer.
Starting point is 00:39:28 I'm already on board for this ride 100%. Oh, this is a five-star. Don't worry. Uh-huh. Yeah, few. Trisha, we love Trisha. Good, good, good. We were just browsing, and so at first I went through the pleasantries.
Starting point is 00:39:39 However, I had no intention of buying. Trisha saw a fantastic human being, and I don't say that lightly. She had an aura. Wait. She saw it. a fantastic human being. That's what they wrote. It was me.
Starting point is 00:39:52 Freudian slip, I guess, or something. I don't know. But, yeah, no, it's supposed to be, I guess Trisha was. Wow, they really did get dyslexia in the really most convenient way. Tricia was a fantastic human being, and I don't say that lightly. She had an aura about her, and it quickly became apparent that the only thing she was concerned about was not how much she could sell us like everyone else. She was concerned about my needs.
Starting point is 00:40:16 As a manager myself, I wish I could clone Trisha, Sam. as she is the perfect salesperson, quickly determining what was best for me and even providing advice for an extra 5%, which doesn't sound like a lot, but it's better in your pocket. I would thoroughly recommend that you visit the Bisa on your way through Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport
Starting point is 00:40:32 and ask for Trisha. Tell her Chris sent you, and I'm sure she'll extend the same exquisite personable service to you and ensure you know your limits. Okay, like first of all, she clearly fucking got you. You got got big time.
Starting point is 00:40:46 What a racket. You're like, I didn't want to buy any. By the end, I had fucking 5% off, and I bought all this shit. She's a great saleswoman. And I bet if I go in there, I say, Christopher, she'd go, I don't fucking know who that is. Yeah. And she could say, like, I've never met a Christopher. I like.
Starting point is 00:41:00 Never met a Christopher in my life. After I spent a few minutes with her, I immediately made my mind up that I was going to buy. I said we would go and have something to eat and return. As I was walking away, I heard her talking to a colleague about how nice I was. At this point, she must have thought I was among the things. thousands of people who say the same every day and never return. He's like, I'll change your mind.
Starting point is 00:41:25 Oh, my God. We did return. Patiently waited for Trisha and bought a watch as well as a large bottle, 200 milliliters, of Armani Code. She was superb. You waited in there for nothing and you bought a watch and cologne? A watch. A watch.
Starting point is 00:41:42 Kind of is crazy. And cologne, like that shit's expensive. Yeah, 200 milliliters. I don't know how much that is. She was superb to the end, and I mentioned to a supervisor that this lady needs a raise, and she really does. This is not to say anyone else is not helpful, just that she went the extra mile in terms of customer service. Please, if only one person reads this, please do ask for Trisha Salmon and tell her that Chris sent you. She will remember me, as I promise that I would review her as the service was so good.
Starting point is 00:42:12 We went at about 1 o'clock on the 20th of July 2018. After years of walking through that shop, I never have and never thought I would buy anything from them. However, this shows just how much a personable, exceptional employee can affect even me who teaches sales techniques, so I am very wise to them. She is just a genuine human being who will save you money. Remember, ask for Trisha Salmon. Regards Chris and Norma. I won't forget, I promise. End of review.
Starting point is 00:42:40 Shezel p. Okay, wow. First of all. Trisha Salmon sounds like a celebrity at the point. All I can think of is I want to clone Trisha Salmon feels like the next like movie featuring Jim Carrey that's like some sort of existential statement on society, like the cloning of Trisha Salmon. Like it feels like it's as rights itself, you know. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's totally. This is amazing. I mean, she, wow, she has a way about her,
Starting point is 00:43:12 huh? Yeah. This guy is probably still thinking about her. Trisha Salmon. What a name too. has like a little bit of a crush on her. I don't know. Something. It must be. Something. These might be some, they might be some upside down pineapple people and they were just really trying to. Yeah. Just saying, oh, are you based here? Wink, wink, wink.
Starting point is 00:43:32 Which, I guess. What's your favorite cologne? Oh, Armani. How do you like this smell of this one? Oh, yeah, my wife. Oh, yeah, she's still eating. She's still back there. What wife? What wife? Oh, man. My wife would be fine with it.
Starting point is 00:43:55 My next one here is from Corinne She-Hur. And this is a review of Undercurrent Restaurant in Greensboro, North Carolina. This is a two-star review written by Jude. Our server openly flirted with my husband and was excessively intrusive. A Scott something. We tried to be nice. In fact, we were too nice and left with a sour taste. in our mouths.
Starting point is 00:44:17 We are friendly and polite people, but this service behavior was outrageous. I wish that I had walked out. I didn't want to ruin the experience. Great food, strange experience. We even left a more than generous tip, but we will not be back. He friend requested my husband the next day. What? We are cool, but this is a gigantic mess.
Starting point is 00:44:36 Very disappointing. End of review. What? Oh, God. This is one of those times when with that friend request, we can't be like, oh, As if, as if the server actually wanted your husband. This is like, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, it seems kind of obvious.
Starting point is 00:44:52 Yeah, crossing some lines there, but. Yeah, yeah. So, uh, the prequest. That is A, hilarious and B, not hilarious. Yeah. I don't even know what it is. I feel like it would be, well, and then it sucks because you're like, oh, and we left a nice tip. So the guy was probably like, great, they're into it.
Starting point is 00:45:12 True. I'm not blaming them for that. No, I would, I leave a nice tip, even if someone. dumps my food on me. So it doesn't matter. But I just think like, oh, God, you're kind of trapped in that at that point because Yeah. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:45:25 Now, did your husband accept the front request? Because that's what I want to know. That's more what I want to. I know. Just a sting operation. I don't know. There's probably nothing legal happening here, but in my head, it's a sting operation. For sure.
Starting point is 00:45:38 It sounds like an opportunity for adventure is all I'm saying. I would agree with that. Yes. Here is a one-star review. and this is my last review. This was sent in by Corinne, she her, who sent in a review of Strictly Organic Coffee Company
Starting point is 00:45:53 in Bend, Oregon. This is a one-star review by Susie. Love this place, except for Cindy. I've been going here for years and have never understood why they keep Cindy on staff.
Starting point is 00:46:09 She is rude, she is weird, she has no customer service skills. I promised myself at least five times that if she was going to wait on me or take my phone order, I would just leave her hang up. Today was the last straw. I called in for a pickup order for two items, a large curry chicken salad for my husband,
Starting point is 00:46:27 and a chicken Caesar wrap for myself, waiting for her. The anxiety about every trip that this person is taking. They're like, five times I've told myself, if she answers, I'm hanging up. Like, is there not another, you've got to find a new chicken curry. I'm sorry. This is, like, stressing me out to even hear about. It's, you know.
Starting point is 00:46:45 Oh, and a chicken-seizzer wrap for myself, waiting for her to ask me what type of tortilla I wanted. She repeated back the wrong thing. I repeated myself. Rather than putting me on hold or saying, just one moment, please. She just left me there listening to her mess up my order with pots and pans banging and me going, hello? Because I thought she forgot about me. She finally came back on. What else?
Starting point is 00:47:07 Rude. I said, I ordered two items. She said, I know. A curry wrap and wait. And... Look, I understand. stand a bad day. I am the nicest customer anyone could ever want. I love
Starting point is 00:47:19 this restaurant and I tip big even to the dreaded Cindy but I will leave next time I hear her voice or see her. End of her feet. No, not hear her voice or see her. Oh my God. I hope Cindy was just getting the lay of the land or they found a place
Starting point is 00:47:35 in the restaurant for Cindy. Yes. I feel like Cindy just is like she has her own groove and you know it's like oh it's hard. I know when people make you uncomfortable, but like, man, you can't let her run your life, man. You can't have her hold your chicken
Starting point is 00:47:51 curry hostage. Yes. You know? Because if you let her affect you, it takes away from the joy. If you just focus on the joy. Just focus on the chicken curry. You get through it every time, it seems. Like every time the reward comes. Yeah, it's just the journey that's a problem. The anxiety, the build
Starting point is 00:48:07 up, the stress, the listening for her voice, the hypervigilance. Oh, hypervigilence. Man, oh, man, oh. I mean, imagine the pots and pans. I mean, I, like, I'm not saying I don't get it. Like, I feel like this would be maddening, okay? Yeah, I'd rather have told music at that point. Maybe too polite and would just be like, she's not listening to me, you know?
Starting point is 00:48:27 But, man. I would probably be like, what the heck is going on over there? I know, I'd be like, are you okay? They sound like they're going through it. Yeah, like actually, you maybe, maybe I should call someone else. I think you're a little busy. By the sixth time, I understand why Susie went to write a review. I get it.
Starting point is 00:48:47 I'm not, yeah, I'm not ashamed in her for that. It's just like, oof, yeah, if you let people like Cindy of the world kind of run the show in your own mind, it's just, you're never going to win because Cindy's going to win every time. You know what? Cindy is a winner. You can just tell. For sure. Because, by the way, Cindy makes sure of it. Cindy handles herself.
Starting point is 00:49:08 There was a phrase in there that I was like, we got to keep that. What is that? It was, we got to get that. going. It was something Cindy. It was not cloning Miss Tuna or whatever. So something Cindy said? No, something that she said about Cindy. Well, I like when it went, she is rude. She is weird. She has no customers. And rude and weird are cow caps. She's rude. She is weird. She is weird. Because I'm like, yeah. That's funny. I want to picture this. No, there was like some like declaration, I think, or like, um. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:42 I dread to do this. Even to the dreaded Cindy. I tip big even to the dreaded Cindy, but I will leave next time I hear her voice or see her. The dreaded Cindy. That's what it was, the dreaded Cindy. I'm like, that is such a power move. Like, yeah, no shit, she's a winner. Yeah, like no shit, she knows it.
Starting point is 00:49:59 Oh, God. She's a force to be reckoned with. Now I want to go. I don't. I'm on my way. I don't. Okay. Well, I'll go alone.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Like, pick me up a chicken. curry. Yeah, I will. The order might be completely different than what you expect. It might be totally wrong. Well, that's why I said it, because I don't want a chicken curry. I would rather have something different. Okay, cool. Yeah, well, we're actually going to be in Oregon pretty soon in October for our live show. That's right. On a Wednesday, I think, or a Thursday. Because I had to remove my entire month of therapy for this, because every Wednesday we're like out of town or it's on his birthday. So everyone show up because it's going to be extra funny because she's not going to be mentally well. I'll be more mentally ill than normal, which I know is a really shocking
Starting point is 00:50:52 thing here. And I am currently between therapists. So you all are in for a treat. We have lots of fun on stage and you will have lots of fun watching us. We drink Long Island Ice Tees. We really have a good time. You love that. You love telling people that. I love it because it just gives you the understanding of like, we're all just here to have fun. And if you're coming to Chicago and it sells out, actually or either way, I'm just saying that to get people to go, we're going to have shots of Mallort. Yeah, they know better. They know that we're not actually.
Starting point is 00:51:21 We won't pay for anyone's but our own. Good. We'll hold them to it. But if it sells out, we'll drink Mallort on stage. Yeah, we'll have everyone who wants to. Order a shot of Mallort. Everyone can order one. We can do it together.
Starting point is 00:51:34 And we can all do it together. Have fun. Yeah. So yeah, anyway, see you all on tour. We're doing some huge updates for our Patreon, by the way. We won't talk about it this week, but go check it out. We already told Patreon so you can go check that out. Oh, yeah, you can check it out on Patreon.
Starting point is 00:51:52 You don't have to be a member to read what's coming, but we'll talk about it another time. It's exciting. It's big stuff. Yeah, so thanks for tuning in. All right. Thanks a lot. We love you. Bye.
Starting point is 00:52:07 I don't know.

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