Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 359: Live in Plano, TX

Episode Date: October 15, 2025

We're excited to share our Plano show with you!! Just three more shows left: Seattle tonight, Portland tomorrow, and New York on the 25th. Get your tickets! https://www.beachtoosandy.com/tourSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. But MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hi! You're really loud.

Yeah, we love that. You're really loud. It makes me nervous, but I'm so happy. It's a good thing. I love you too. Hello. They will turn on us. They're going to turn on us. I hate it. Don't turn on us, please. I'm nervous.

I'm nervous. You said they're loud and it's good, but we're going to be really mean to them tonight. I'm so sorry. Okay, if anyone can take it, I feel like it's Texas. What? Sorry. No offense, but I read a lot of reviews

and a lot of people took a lot of offense to a lot of things that they shouldn't be taking offense for. I'm trying to preemptively save my reputation in this fine state of yours if you're unfamiliar with who we are I'm really sorry it's going to be weird but I will tell you I promise so we are brother and sisters

we are siblings that's how that works yeah what else what else oh we host a podcast called Beach You Sandy Water Too Wet that's where you are right now will you read one star reviews from the internet and when we're on tour, we read them of your lovely town. Towns, many, many sprawling towns that you've got.

And I today realized, wait, so I'm confused as Dallas, and I still don't really get it, but it's fine. Yeah. I believe it. Even better. Yeah, and then other than that, we don't know what the other person brings. Yeah, and sometimes we weaponize that against one another. We do sometimes, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Often, most nights. But I hear you have something to start us off with. She has a thing she does. So I always like to check if a city that we're going to has a Yelp page. Oh, that's what you're doing? I hate it. I hate it already.

You hate that it has a Yelp page? Yeah. Okay, well, here's a good thing. That's not a good thing. No, I'm sorry. I should preempt that by saying that's not a compliment. There is a Plano Yelp page. Oh.

Now, I'm going to read those for... Don't worry. I feel like a lot of these people are like, yeah, I don't care about Plano. I know. Hey, give me a minute. That's the... Okay, okay, okay.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. You guys, it'll be hilarious when it pays off, okay? So I have two reviews real quick of Plano, all right? This is where I began. I thought, oh, Plano must be its... Oh, okay, fucking hell no. Okay.

Here we go. One star review of Plano from your lovely Yelp page. I hate Plano. Lack of culture, lack of diversity, lack of arts, lack of cuisine, lack of anything remotely alive. Oh. Boring and money is what drives Plano.

I never want to live here again. End of review. And then I have one more real quick that I just thought was like a little good cap on that. Two stars, also Plano. Okay. Unless you like Midwest, Cowboys, you'll be bored in two days.

End of review. Oh. And I thought... I kind of take events to that first one, because it said no art, and I don't know, like, what else this would be? What the fuck? Other than artistic expression. You're patronizing the arts right now.

Supporting... That's right. Yeah. You're welcome. Yeah, make it a big glass. That was a... What? No, I'm not judging.

I think that's a good idea. Oh, man. You know what I do? I do a thing where I go on the Yelp forums, which are always fun. That's too toxic even for me. Yeah. And I'm the one who goes on Yelp, and he discovered the forums.

Yeah. I've let him take over that domain. It's not good. I have a post from Felix titled Dallas Area. Here we go. Dallas area. Okay. I fucking hate Dallas.

I hate the suburbs of Dallas. I hate Rockwell. I hate Irving. I hate Add Edison. Carrollton, anything associated with the piece of shit in Dallas, I fucking hate it. So fuck you too, stupid fucks. Go suck a duck! End of review.

Suck a duck? Yeah, suck a duck. I'm not censoring that if you couldn't tell from the other, the fucks I said. That's as written. That was too far. That was too far. They did follow up. Felix said something else.

Oh, good. Yeah, ready? Sorry, I was drunk last night. I thought I was in Houston. End of review. I thought they'd like that one. That's a beach shoe Sandy first. Yeah.

That's true. Not only comes back to the original post, but leaves it there. Yeah. And then, like, just commentates, like, annotates it. That's, like, way too self-aware for our usual Yelp people that we're reading about. I'm impressed. But I get it. Because we were in Houston yesterday.

and I don't think I realized how ugly it was. Alex Center. Look, I'm serious. Until we got to Dallas because I was like, oh, wait, yeah. Houston sucks.

There's actual, like, buildings here that look good. Like, it wasn't great, but it was a lot better than Houston. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. You just said it was a lot better than Houston. It was here.

Oh, Dallas was. Oh, you think the other way. Oh, tell them about that. How great you think Houston is. I have no fucking idea where I am most days. And especially when I'm on tour. So I'm having a great time regardless. That is true.

Yeah. They gave me some booze and I said, sure, this is great. Okay. All right. I have, so, okay, so then this morning, I was like, wait, are we like in Dallas? I'm confused. Literally. She's like, we're driving.

And she was like, so. Where am I? Where are we, like, with Dallas? I'm like, we're going to drive through doubt. Like, we're in, okay, I don't know. It's confusing for an outsider, okay? It is. So then I thought, oh, few.

Now I suddenly have so much more room to explore on Yelp. Beyond the borders of Plano. Beyond the borders of Plano. Wow. And I sure did. I sure found the Dallas Yelp page. Oh, good. Oh, good.

I know I already read you those two reviews of Plano. now I've got some of Dallas and I'm actually... Okay, so I have two and then an owner response. Of doubt... I don't know what else to tell you, but one of you

named Jeff. Jeff Dallas? What? That's who it is. Jeff B. Oh, never mind. Claim. You know when it says on Yelp, like,

unclaimed page, Jeff B claimed it. No. And he now responds as the business owner of Dallas. Like the Dallas defender. It's usually, oh my God, like a superhero. I had to do a lot of Googling. It was a lot of Iron Maiden lyrics that he would just copy and paste.

And like, I was like totally blown away by this. So I have a review here. And then, um... And then a response. Yeah, so this first one just made me laugh. So I'm going to leave this. And then I have two. Oh, wow.

one star. I keep walking and walking and walking, hoping to find something interesting. This city is a bore. I can't imagine myself ever saying, wow, I can't wait to go back to Dallas. End of review. And now here is the one that does have an owner response. This is a one-star view by page. So I've been to Dallas a few times, and I hope to never come back.

The traffic here is ridiculous, and the drivers here could care less about nobody else. We pulled into Dallas right around 5 p.m., and my goodness, what a joke. I wouldn't live here for no amount of money. End of review. And then here is the response from the business owner of Dallas, Jeff B. Jeff B. Who responded as follows. Dear Page, we tried to outlock cars, but unfortunately,

the law did not pass we apologize for the cars perhaps if we are able to omit cars from the city we will send you a coupon we apologize for any inconvenience end of response oh okay

I was like a good I mean and then he kind of lost the plot with all the like I was going to say I don't remember that Iron Maiden song that was not very we tried to outlaw the cars yeah You know how it goes.

Anyway. That's a classic. Classic. I have another forum post because someone else had things to say about Dallas. This is what Kent said. That's wrong. Sorry, I was talking to myself. Usually that just happens in my head.

And then we say, cut that out. And this time I have a microphone, too. Cut that out. That's awful. Okay. Here's what Kent has to say. Since my one and a half years of residency here, I came to conclude that Dallas is a big city without the city life.

I love how laid back and friendly the people are here. I love the fact that I don't have to fight traffic to work each day. I love the low cost of living. Oh yeah, this was written in 2014, by the way. I meant to write in to tell everyone there. I always forget to check the date because it really does skew the review. I heard some haws and I was like, yeah, yeah. There is no way this is.

The olden days. I swear, you know what, I don't know if any of this is relevant nowadays, but I'm still reading it. Here we go. It's a booming city, and each year more and more out of staters are moving here for new opportunities.

But someone just said, aw, is this sad? Just like the good old days? Maybe they thought it was, like, cute. Like, aw. Oh, okay. No? I don't think so. Someone's really sad up there.

Okay, but because it's still booming and growing, the diversity of over-the-top cuisines and the funky buzzing of the nightlife is yet to be established. Funky buzzing. I know. That's why we're here. I feel it. I feel it. Yes, there are your regular downtown,

Uptown, Addison, downtown Plano. White Rock. Yeah. Woohoo. And Lower Green. I feel that buzz from the audience. That fucking neon buzz. Pretty funky, yeah. Yeah, funky buzz.

And Lower Greenville for places to go slash hang. but I can probably count with my fingers of the hip, cool places to go. I also noticed how much Texans take pride in this city. Dallas has amazing architecture. Dallas people are foodies. Dallas has many things to do. But I honestly beg to differ. Always buffing up the city when it isn't really showing me anything new,

except for the awesome barbecue and patio bars. Maybe it's just the people who I've met and made friends with who never really seen cities of dirty streets, overcrowded subways, traffic, expensive housing, rude people, et cetera. Bell's is more of a family-oriented, laid-back, Bible Belt, with four-season's weather,

a twist of the country that comes with... That one, I thought, wouldn't have been relevant back then, either. That was super triggering for a lot of people. I know. Yeah. They're like, we fucking wish. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. What kind of jealous are you in? I know. A twist of the country that comes with bad drivers when roads here are so straight and wide that still get into car accidents. Especially in the rain. End of post.

All those seasons. The rain is one of them. Yeah, rain. And maybe three of them. Construction is probably one of them. We saw that today. Right. And hot, I don't know.

Hot is one of them for sure. Yeah, yeah. That's close enough. That's fine. Three. Four? That's three. You don't need four. Oops.

Now I have a response from... The owner of Dallas. Jeff B. You know what? It's actually, I'm not kidding. It's Margaret B. Margaret B. Dallas? Holy shit.

I'm not saying it's not. We're cracking this case wide open. Here's what Margaret has to say. This is a typical response from those who come from or have lived a while in the L.A. area. Dallas does not exist to impress you or amaze you. Oh. You did not come here for its food.

It's hipster scene. It's architecture. It's traffic. It's school system. The people or the weather. You came for opportunity to get ahead, to make more, to find a better job. no one comes to Dallas for the superficial things you speak of that are only skin deep

those of us that remain do take pride in our imperfect city not because it is the best or prettiest but because we have made it our home not everyone is suited to living here but you all come here to chase the American dream end of those so um I don't think anyone agreed with most of that but how do you fucking know that Margaret? Margaret? Like, you don't know that.

Margaret? Respectfully, Margaret, you don't fucking know anything about me. Have you lived in L.A.? Who's asking, Margaret? I'm not going to tell that old broad anything. Smart. She seems to think she knows everything about me. Why am I so defensive?

I don't know. She made me mad. I don't know. Hey, did you know Frito's come from this place? I did not. Why do you think? I literally pointed in the green room they have like a giant basket of like every type of Frito lay snack.

And I like picked up the Chester's and I was like, look and he goes, ew. And I went. I did not say that. I probably went, ugh, just a lot more dramatic, but a lot less like. I was excited because I said what's from Dallas and it said, or I said actually what's from Plano? because this is before I realized it would also tell us. And it said Fritos, and I went, cool. Yeah, yeah.

Apparently, the silicon breast implant is from Houston, fun fact. Oh. I didn't read reviews of that last night. They needed it? I don't like, what does that mean? Like, why am I there? I don't know. I just said I didn't.

I wish we were there to get to the bottom of it. Those people would know. One star. Oh, I should have told them last night. Yeah, you should have. We'll go back there. Fritos is way cooler. So I have a one-star view of the Frito-Lay head.

quarters by Franny. Why did everybody go, oh, Franny? Do you know her? Oh, they're like, I'm not Franny, the Frida Lay hater. We know her. Franny O. Frenny O'Lay? Shit. The sister of Frito? Is that what you're trying? How the fuck do I know? I don't know. I'm going to restart this music. I feel like I'm trying to play along and I don't get the bit and it's not.

Oh, I thought I was playing. along with your bit. Okay. That's the problem. That's the problem. Okay. We lost control. Okay.

One star. I bought the Frito Le Variety Pack, parentheses 18. Oh, I also want to add, I didn't realize this until this very moment. This was written in April of 2020. Oh. So I feel like we should give a little bit of, like, grace. Thank you. Beautiful.

A little bit of grace. Well, also say, Franny on. Sounds like an old person. Yeah. I'm nervous for them. Mm. I bought the Variety Pack, 18, for the sole purpose of getting what was advertised on the bag. Instead, as I rummaged through the bag to find the snack I wanted, I found a stupid note.

What? Like Wonka style? I found a stupid note saying, we swapped out some of your favorites for some of ours. What? I don't care what your favorites are. Yeah, Franny, you tell them. Just give me what was advertised. I would never have even bought this pack

if I knew it wouldn't have what I wanted. I am so annoyed. I will never buy a variety pack again if it's going to be Russian roulette like this. Wow, Franny. Shit. Like, I do agree, but wow, Franny. I love that, like, a month into COVID.

She's like, actually, the hot fries were not in here, and I'm going to start screaming. I was very curious what they were missing. The final straw. Yeah, I was very curious. They didn't say, though, what they're missing? I think it's for the best. I don't think so.

But, okay, I have a review of the National Finals Rodeo, which took place here in 2020. I know. It was a COVID year. You did a big, okay. Here's the thing. The National Finals Rodeo normally takes place in Las Vegas. you know, as we all know.

You all love rodeo. And Globe Life Field held it in 2020. I don't, something COVID related. Here we go, one star. Came to Texas for the NFR. A waste of time. Can't wait to get back to Vegas. Everything is overpriced.

And everyone from Texas keeps saying everything is bigger in Texas. It's the darndest thing. Which tells me that their schooling isn't very good here. I do have to point out... Unlike it is in Vegas. Sorry, like if we're going to play that game. They used the wrong there. They did use the wrong there.

I have to point it out. I rest my case. Their schooling. There were actually a lot of errors in this, so don't worry, everyone. which tells me that their schooling isn't very good here because if they did go to school and learn they would know that everything is bigger in Alaska and not Texas

long lines to get into every bar and two to three wait at the restaurant Texas can't handle the crowds like Las Vegas can end of review Why is it bigger in Alaska? It's the biggest state? I don't fucking know. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my brother.

I'm just kidding. Normally we put the mics down. What? Put them down? Put them down? When we have to be private, say something private, but... We sometimes have to have a private conversation, okay? Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Anyway, it's the biggest state in the United States. Yeah, thank you. I'm aware of that. I can see Russia from my house, et cetera. Well, because it's like everything is bigger in a lot. That's not anything. okay is it anything here yeah what does it mean what does it mean to you to you urban sprawl suburban sprawl

yeah that's true big statues of that Houston guy Sam Houston was that was that was scary that's true big cars big roads she was sleeping she was sleeping she did not see the statue and I was still traumatized and I was so tempted to wake her up I was like this is a scary statue I've never seen 25 minute nap and he's like I almost woke you up. It was like blindingly white like it was so much I almost crashed it was a whole thing anyway yeah Sam Houston

fuck that guy yeah I'm a fan of uh what Greg Dallas Jeff Dallas Jeff Dallis what was that guy Jeff B Dallas Yeah Jeff B Dallas and Fradyo Dallas Okay let's fucking rein it in please I'm talking to myself

I'm sorry I'm talking to myself I looked at him but I'm talking to myself like at the rodeo right that's what they that's it so this is of Thunderbird Station what the fuck is that

so you guys have a magazine called D Magazine yeah and I love it because it has provided me with so much delightful content for tonight's show oh I was like I thought you were going to say over the years over the years I as a subscriber to Highlights Magazine and D magazine no

no they wrote a review. I guess this place closed. Unfortunately, Thunderbird Station, it was a bar, and it closed, it says, after three years of serving nostalgic cocktails and comfort food out of a refurbist gas station, Thunderbird Station, has closed in 2023.

Aw, I know. You didn't even know five seconds ago. Yeah, you didn't even fucking know. Lame. Okay, no, here's a five-star, sorry, this is probably... You have great timing. Somebody just went, damn. I'm like, I should probably call her mother.

I'm texting your therapist right now don't do that don't do that you called me with your therapist once a surprise phone call she made me do it it was an exercise what if I called her right now

she would answer and she'd have lots to say she would probably answer she don't do it don't listen to them okay what do you a Thunderbird Station. This is a five-star review by Ryan written in 2021. One time when I was a kid,

my family took a road trip to Vegas. Like my whole fucking family. My sister, my parents, three of my aunts and uncles, four or five cousins and my mom's parents, and their poodle tippy. We stayed at Circus Circus. Oh no. I don't know.

I ate stale popcorn and watched magic shows while dad and uncles played blackjack. On the way, we passed through West Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona, stopping at every roadside attraction we could. My mom and aunts packed tuna and baloney sandwiches with laced chips and pickles. What is happening?

It was an amazing road trip. Thunderbird is an amazing road trip. Bring your cousin. Bring Tippy. Get a Tudas sandwich and enjoy a tasty cocktail or beer in a frosted glass. It'll take you back. Perfect patio, perfect vibes, awesome staff, and the best bartender of Dallas 2021. Party!

End of review. Oh, my God. What the fuck was that about? I don't know. I kind of... You said Vegas, and I went, oh, this guy went to Vegas. I didn't... I don't even...

I don't even know when we snap back to the fucking bar. Suddenly we were back there, and I thought I was like still way behind. Okay, because apparently, I don't fucking know. New Mexico. But it's like a really, it's like a very like roadside, like, nostalgic route. Like it's an old gas station. Old gas station style.

And so, yeah, he was like, oh, this takes me back to Tippy. I might have seen it because I saw a really shitty boarded up gas station on the side of the highway earlier. Did it bring you? It brought me right back to those bologna and tuna sandwiches or whatever we ate. Oh, good times. Bring your cousin, bring tippy. Yeah. Yeah.

And magic shows. There was magic. Speaking of magic, does anyone remember Crystal's pizza? Okay. Some of you. Whoa. Okay. Two people remember it.

Yeah. You know, this review is from 2009. And I think it was right, like, soon before it close. But yeah, Crystal's Pizza was a place where you have pizza, games, and magic shows. What the fuck you guys missed out? Yeah. I think, like, on the, it said, like, Crystal's Pizza and Spaghetti or something also. This one was in Irving, by the way.

The last one to exist before closing. Oh, no. Here's a one-star. I was horrified. When I opened the door. to the overwhelming smell of diarrhea. What? The entire restaurant smelled like 600 diapers

had exploded onto the walls, drapes, filthy carpet, and ceiling tiles. Lovely, first impression. Questions? Yeah. Questions? Yeah. Questions and or comments? Yes.

Imagine a place having drapes. and yet still smelling like 600. I mean, that's like a wild dichotomy. It makes sense for what I've heard about this place. This place is wild. Oh, the diarrhea was all over the drapes. The number of people that said should have gone to Chucky Cheese instead,

that's pretty telling. There's no drapes at Chucky Cheese. That's pretty telling. Then what's here? Even less. Yeah. Even less. You don't even sleep, let alone dream.

That was from a review. You read last night. I just felt like I was, like, thrown into a nightmare for a moment. You were. Like, I was back in Houston. Oh! Don't tell them I said that. We're not going back there anytime soon.

I did say that. I did say that. I mean, I said it as a channel through the reviewer that I was reading, so it wasn't personal. It wasn't personal. But, yeah, I can't sleep, let alone dream. It's pretty good. How do you remember that? That's so random.

Like, you have not mentioned that once since yesterday. I just, you said something about dreams and I said, I don't know. I said drapes. Didn't I? Did you say something about dreaming? Oh, no. I don't you dare fucking fuck with me.

I swear to God. This is why we say. This better be recorded because I have no, no idea what just happened. This is why we say we're siblings because then people are like, oh my God, are they getting divorced? And I'm like, we can't.

I've tried. sorry it's not it's not fair I know anyway stinky drapes here we go

from there it was all downhill the walls were literally dripping with 30 years of boogers and pizza grease handprints and of the roughly 100

tables 94 of them featured filthy plates dirty napkins crumbs and spilt drinks the ambiance was rich with the sounds of babies crying

horrible video games beeping and a broken speaker yelling out people's orders in one corner of the restaurant I witnessed a mulleted couple arguing over their last filthy breadstick as their eight kids looked on

in horror that feels like a scene out of like we were just talking about Oliver and Company backstage and I'm like You're arguing over a breadstick and you have like eight... I mean, it just feels like a scene out of like a... Yeah, anyway. Yeah.

You were also picturing them like lady and tramping as breadstick. I was. I think we can all agree. That's why that reference happened. To say that the experience was memorable would be an understatement. The food was so horrible that it literally gave me nightmares. The restaurant was so entirely filthy that the walls moved with bugs. What a true. treat for my family, end of review.

What the fuck? It didn't, it seemed like they fell on some hard times. And they even had to, like, let the magician go at one point. I read a lot of reviews. It was fascinating. The magician actually left a review, but it was, but it was a five-star, but it was flagged

and ended up being removed because it broke the terms of service. So Yelp was like, this fucker works there, or something. Anyway. Collusion. We can't let this stand. But then they fired him anyway because they were like, we can't afford to pay you anymore because nobody's coming in. We can't afford a magician's salary.

And I only, I know that because one reviewer said, yeah, the employee told me they fired the magician because they were on hard times. It's like, oh, it's really bad when your employees are like spreading the gossip, you know? Yeah. Sounds interesting. Just wait till we have employees to gossip. Oh. Yeah, that'll be fun. Oh, I can't wait.

I don't know if that's ever going to happen. They're just going to gossip about us. Okay, I have something... It's not that interesting, I think. It's really not. There's nothing to gossip about. Okay, here, I have a review. They're getting divorced, just kidding. They're siblings. They can't.

That's the gossip. Okay, this is a review. So I accidentally, you go into the Yelp Forms. I went into the Dallas subreddit. Uh-oh. I know. Uh-oh. And I found this post.

by a deleted user. Coward. Coward. So you don't need music yet because the question is just looking for a poor quality yet expensive restaurant to recommend to an enemy.

Oh no. Any suggestions? Oh, no. And this post had 530 comments. Ooh. And somebody posted a link to a review in D Magazine

about a restaurant called The Mexican and I hope you don't like it very much because this review is not super nice but I really liked it so this is the review from D Magazine of the Mexican

that's the restaurant's name I know I know it's in the design district does that help no oh okay for one person a few people Sorry, for a split second I did forget that was the name of the restaurant

And I got surprised again Take the free chips and flight of five salsa Part of Dallas's ongoing arms raised To see who can serve the most Although they're arranged from mildest to hottest Only one is hot The watery mixture of lime juice and peppers That and a chili de Arbor salsa

Are quite nice But the Agua Chile de Truffle a mixture of truffle oil, lime, and something orange is like a Netflix dating show. So disgusting, it's fascinating. The salsa tastes like lime, parmesan, and windex. Oh. It is one of the top ten weirdest liquids in Texas.

We're right up there with Martin House's Buffalo Wings. Oh, I'm sorry. Martin House's Buffalo Wings flavored beer That's Martin House House House Martin House's Buffalo

Wings flavored beer And the Trinity River in springtime The end Top 10 disgusting liquids in Texas Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah And interestingly my next review is A Great Wolf Lodge

But we'll get to that next That's probably number four in the list of most disgusting Wow they really got that river you know, Trinity, I don't know what that way. I wish I knew. Fuck, fuck on it. It's like somewhere in this state. Anyone here, speaking of caring, does anyone

care about the Texas Rangers? Okay, okay, that's much more than I expected. I love it, I love it. It was a lot of boys. Not, yeah, excuse you. I'm sorry. Excuse you. Get some more representation, you know what I mean? Yeah, well, we might, well, you won't right now. I just get alarmed one

Uh-oh Oh I'm so sorry Why did you say Uh-oh? I'll buy you a tequila shot or something I'm sorry That was so unnecessary

I just A man stood up and put on a hat And I was like Bad news for me I don't know I don't fucking know I just, like, reacted. I'm sorry.

I was startled, and then I thought, I've offended this man, and now I have to live with the consequences. Cut that out, all of it. Sir, I'm sorry. I love your hat and your whole thing. And I'm sorry. I will buy you a shot of whatever. Okay.

Did I do that right? Is this the man still even here? I'm so sweet. I'm so sweat. I'm going to read a one-star review of Globe Life Field where the Rangers play and here we go.

Rangers crowd and fans are the most depressing I've ever seen. Boring atmosphere. Sad, pathetic fan base. End of review. Now that's when I expect a man and a hat to stand up

and leave. Like that, I feel like it's like time to go. I slipped him 20 bucks. He just missed the cue. He fucked it up. That explains it. That's what it was. Yeah.

Apparently, y'all are pathetic. Better than the Astros fans. Because if you can be a, no, fuck the Astros. Yeah, they cheated. I don't have the energy. You know they cheated. I'm sorry, sir. Did you know?

I'm trying to move us along. Do you know the Astros cheated, right? I do now. Oh, do you know what they used? I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint. It reminds me of their city. The Astros?

Houston Astros. Trash cans. They used a trash can to cheat for the World Series. They would hit the, it was the whole thing. No one cares. That's so crazy. Wait, really? What do you mean they would hit?

An Astros fan said no. Oh yeah, then explain the trash can I don't even know what happened But I believe my brother Anyway I never thought I'd say it But only because I have a microphone If you had a microphone

She'd be like, that's correct A hundred percent Okay I have a review of Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine, Texas Yeah, it's really awesome Here's a one-star review If you're looking for sleep, or sanity.

First of all, side no. Wait a second. Who the fuck? Okay, if you're going to Great Wolf Lodge, presumably you either have children or are going there because of children. I hope so.

I hope so. Let's start with that. If you're looking for sleep, peace, or sanity, I feel like you're already like, it's too late for that warning. Okay. You're right. If you're looking for sleep, peace,

or sanity, keep driving. They should rename this place, the Torture Lodge. Oh, my God. The food is unedible, like they deep-fried disappointment or something. Their family suite looks like it was last updated when Blockbuster was still open. And the beds are as hard as the management's hearts. What? The blinking fire alarm doubles as a rave,

light. Okay. And the toilet runs every 14 seconds, just to remind you, it's still miserable. There are kids screaming and running laps through the halls all night long, and you can hear

everything. I mean everything. Neighbors' phones, conversations, probably their thoughts. Oh. That magic quest game is right outside the door, so good luck sleeping while children on a sugar high are yelling magic spells at midnight.

The only thing magical about this place is how fast it'll make you want to check out. End of review. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's pretty gnarly. I mean, honestly, like, that feels unfair because Great Wolf Lodge in literally any state in this nation is going to be pretty much the same. Exactly the same thing.

I've been there, and I thought it was the one I've been to. Yeah. Sounds about right. Magic spells at midnight. Yeah. Speaking of, I have a review of Walmart in Ennis. It's a Walmart Super Center. Hell yeah.

Hell, yeah, that's what I'm looking for. Yeah. That's what I want to hear. I know I look angry. I'm just surprised. That's all. That's fantastic. And excited.

Here we go. One star review. Here we go. Five minutes before ten and I'm waiting in front of dressing room. Employee tells me dressing room does not open for five minutes. So I just stand here. Even though there are three employees right around me, and just wait for five more minutes for them to unlock a dressing room door. So I asked one of the ladies. So I just wait here for five minutes and then someone will unlock the dressing room

door? And she says, I hope so. 10.07 still waiting and no one knows where a key is to unlock the fitting room. So, 10.15. No one to be found. Imagine, though, like, being this woman's Apple Watch. The blood pressure, like, I'm just

thinking, like, the stress, and like, every few minutes, like, every few seconds, like, checking the time. And saying, are you okay? Do we need to call the paramedics? Uh-huh. And saying, and saying, like, oh, this Yelp review. Oh, it's getting more scathing by the second.

Okay. But thankfully 10.15. No one to be found so sat my stuff down and left the store. End of review. They removed themselves from the stressful situation. Good for them. The Walmart Supercenter. And then they wrote a Yelp review and brought themselves right back into it. Yeah. They relived it.

Or they were living it at the same time. I don't know. Yeah. Christina, you don't know. I don't know. You really don't. Who do I think I am? I don't know. Don't answer that. I also have a review of a Walmart Super Center in Plano. It's a one-star review by Joshua.

So I walk into Walmart. Words I don't say very often. Oh, okay. Congratulations. The most unhappiest place in the world. The greeter looked like Walter. Perenthesies, Jeff Dunham's dummy. Jeff Dunham's dummy.

That's not what I was picturing. Okay. And with her eyes, said, Welcome to Walmart. Get your shit and get out. Nobody's happy here. Customers, workers, even the roaches look sad. Aw. After pushing my way through dead souls. Jesus Christ.

I get to the aisle. need to and what I was looking wasn't there. No big deal. I probably didn't need it anyway. What was? Do you not? Do they just not know what it was? I probably didn't need it.

Pushing my way through the souls. I get, to be fair, they wrote I'll like an island. Oh, the island of lost souls. Holy shit. Yeah. It would be in plain, oh. It would be in plain now. That's for sure. no big deal I probably didn't need it anyway

I walk back up to the front and the same lady is about to lock the doors I'm 30 feet from her and say ma'am can you hold the door I'm parked right out front she looks at me dead in eye and like a cat who is about to push something off the counter

locks the door without looking away I've already locked it, she says I love that lady I love that I've already locked it she says with disdain in her voice I guess I will stick to Amazon End of review

Walmart and Amazon Yes wow you're going to leave You know usually when they're like I'll go to Amazon It's like a small business and they're like, I get why Amazon's taking... It's usually not Walmart v. Amazon. It's like, I don't know. I feel like that's not the norm, but...

It's tough. It's tough out there, you know? I'd be scared of the cat lady, though. I mean, a little bit. I'd respect her, though. That's a good move. I think... You mean Walter? Who the fuck is Walter?

Jeff Dunham's dummy? Oh, yes, I do. I do. The cat version, though. Who's a cat version? Who's a cat version? I don't fucking know what you're talking about. Who's the cat?

The person that locked the door, did something like a cat, and looks like Jeff Foxworthy's puppet. Not Jeff Foxworthy. Not Jeff Foxworthy. Why did I say that? I heard someone say that. Don't say Jeff Foxworthy as a puppet,

because now... What's his name? Jeff Dunham. Def Johnum. No, not Def Jonum. Jeff Dunham. It's not. Jeff Dunham.

It's not. Thank you. We're at a comedy club. We're going to get kicked out. Be careful. Okay. Greg Dunham? Jeff B. Dallas.

Jeff B. D. Oh my God, Jeff D. Well, I'm curious what all of these people have to say, but the State Fair of Texas. Yeah. Yeah, we got, yeah. Well, I have a terrible one to start with. Here we go. Excellent. My first time going there, and there was active shooting situation. But, but. the real crime

is the prices a hundred no one died I looked it up no one died you looked it up yes no one died

thank God I know I was about to be like let me do a little damage control remember in the remember earlier when I said

I can't believe I can read this it was because no one died and in my head that means it's okay they know guns exist down here I think I think they're used to that If I recall you laughed maniacally

As you said I can't believe I get to read this one And now I understand Nobody died Okay got it Yeah but to be fair You can't bring your guns there anymore After this

Yeah but I did read up No but I read a lady saying Oh you they look in my purse But they just go boop You're fine And she goes I could bring anything I want into this fair. Hot tip, everyone.

I said, I think you're the problem, lady. What the fuck? Yeah, if you need to bring your gun into the... I'm glad you're telling everyone about the state fair gun policies. I'm warning you. I did see someone who was like, I brought my gun, they checked it,

they didn't let me in, I went to a different entrance, didn't even mention it, and they let me in. So what the fuck are you mad at me for? I don't know, I'm not. I'm not mad at anyone. I got to be careful down here. Yeah.

I mean And I live in Kentucky I know I've only said that a few times in this trip but I'm like damn Even you guys You lived in L.A. for five years

I know You are one of the, you're the problem I'm aware But the real crime is the price Is $100 in tickets Will last about one hour $20 for food And $8 for basic fare games

The only thing exciting that happened was the shooting, end of review. Well, thank God for that. I didn't write it. Okay. I didn't write it. Anyway. I cannot believe you brought up a shooting.

In Texas. I mean, not... I don't know. I feel like they're more desensitized than we are. Yeah. And I live in Kentucky. No, that's how my line always goes. And then Alexander's like, you're from El, you lived in L.A., etc.

So it's fine. It's barely Kentucky. I know. It's true. Okay. I have a review that, so every show, Alexander came up with this really great bit. It's really great. It's really great.

It's where we bring a review for the other person to read out loud, and they don't know what it is. You should have seen last night. I blacked it out what was it. Not from alcohol, from trauma. What was it? Well, I was pretending to be Ghalm on stage while you pretended to be Golm with your voice. Anyway.

And then today he goes, I can't believe you didn't know who Ghalm was. And I was like, I know who Ghalm is. Well, you were like, what does he look like? And so she made me stand like Golm. No! That's exactly what happened. Don't fucking bait me right now because seriously,

you got on the floor. I didn't ask for that. And then I was like, oh, let me Google what he looks like. And he goes, oh, let me show you. And he's like, on the ground. And I'm like, nobody asked for that. That might be a little more accurate. I'll admit, I'll admit.

I looked for reviews of haunted places in Dallas. And this is a review. You know, it's October. And I figured, oh, the Stockyards Hotel, I guess, is very haunted. And Kelly posted a review on TripAdvisor called Ghost Encamp. counter. I know. And so she is from Australia. I won't make you read it in an

Australian accent. I could, but I won't. She wouldn't have said that if she didn't want everyone to do all this. I actually didn't know she was from Australia until I was about to hand it to you. Oh, thank God. Do it like Gollum. That would be easier for me.

No, probably. In all seriousness, this is called ghost encounter, I'd like you to read it. If there's some, like, Australian, like, I can say, what, gnar. NAR. Let's not do this. Let's not do this. I felt myself getting pulled in. Canberra. Canberra.

Nope, stop. Stop. Are you done? I'm serious. Are you done? I mean it. For real. You're such an asshole. Okay, take this. All right. I'm done, I'm done.

Five stars. Yes, five stars. It's called Ghost Encounter. Oh, I wasn't listening. Okay. There you go. Stockyards Hotel. Cool. Hi. I'd just like to say, firstly, that the hotel is very nice. But do not go near the elevators. My sister and I stayed in room 214 on the 28th of July 2010

and used the telephones at the back of the elevators to call back home in Australia. What? After a few minutes standing there trying to work out the dialing codes, we both started feeling dizzy whilst the floor was moving and shaking. Like an earthquake. Both of us couldn't work out what was going on. Oh, my God. Everyone around us appeared to be carrying on as normal, and we were trapped into some vicious field of energy. I'm so sorry. What? I'm so sorry. They're like, help! And everyone's like, down elevator.

And they're like, what's the country code? Oh, no. It just is like so crazy. People are coming out of the elevator. Oh, I'll go back in, okay. I don't think so. That can't be my floor. Thank you.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Fish is field of energy. Right. My sister walked away and asked, the receptionist if the building was moving. Hey, excuse me.

That was like, that's like, whenever I get high, if I'm too high, I'm like, is everything moving? Is everything moving? You're self-aware enough to go, I'm fucked up. Not always. Sometimes I'm too fucked up. I get past that point.

And that's where your sister goes, sit down and don't call the front desk. Yeah, let me bring you black pepper just like Willie Nelson says and make you sniff it so you don't... Before I ever did weed... I think you're dying. Alexander...

Hi. Got really high one time. It was my birthday. It was his birthday. Yeah. And he got really high. And then he... And StarCraft was really fun for a little bit.

Like really... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was having a blast. I was like, this is great. And I was like, I need to go to bed. I was watching a documentary about the ocean. And then I woke up and

Pergatory. He woke up. I thought I was dead in purgatory. He literally told me he was in purgatory. I said everything is a loop. It's all looping. It'll never stop looping. This is purgatory.

I really thought I was dead. I didn't touch weed for a year. I didn't touch weed for three years because I witnessed it and I went, this is hell on earth, or purgatory. And then he comes and I said, come to my room. Blaze is working the night shift. come to my room and I said Google

how to stop someone from being high and it said here are Willie Nelson's tips I'm not fucking with you so I'm like black pepper black pepper so she leaves me alone and guess what I fall right back in the loop here's what happened I said stay here for just a minute I'll be right back

and I fucking ran oh yeah I ran I come back within maybe three minutes with like a pepper grinder and I was just dead. And he goes, where have you been? I've been in purgatory for years. And I'm like, and then I give him like, I'm like, okay, eat all this pepper. And then he just project how vomits all over the bathroom. And then. Which I didn't find out until the next morning. And then the next day, Blaze is like, what happened in our room last night? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, there was just vomit everywhere. And I went.

Blaze was busy working in the ER while I was getting too high and throwing up in his back. And then I was so exhausted from trying to fix your high that I was like I forgot to clean it up. And then I found a box next to my bed that also had puked in it. Oh, you also puked in a box from the garage. It doesn't matter. I haven't finished this at all.

You keep trying to hand it back. No, I'm just gesticulating. What's the last thing you said? Fuck if I know. I think it's still basically the vicious field of energy. Oh no. The sister did ask the receptionist if the

building was moving. Okay, I would do that for you. That building, when I was, that was, it was moving. But you know what I would do? It was going like, whew, you know what I would? I was in bed. Well, it was on a loop. You know how I, like, kind of snapped out of it?

I just started screamed as loud as I could. And then I, he opened a window in his room and just started screaming. I'm not kidding. Yeah, and then I went to my window and was like sucking in air from the outside. Sorry, where was I? Anyway, we're both pretty high right now. Okay. What?

Okay. Medically, though, right? Medically. Medically. In Texas, right? I have arthritis. Yeah. I have glaucoma.

Glacoma. Listen. What's glaucoma? What? What's glaucoma? It's in your eyes. Okay, that's fine. I can fake that.

I was just going to say, keep going. Okay. Good idea. My sister walked away and asked the reception, perception as if the building was moving, she said no. And my sis explained that we had been driving all day

and that we must be tired. Embarrassed. That's in parentheses for some reason. It felt as though we may have been drugged at one point. Parentheses, we knew there was no way of this, but we then left the building and needed to sit down in fresh air at the front. It helps.

We spoke to two. screaming out the window. We spoke to two staff members who revealed that the old elevator operator is known to haunt the elevators. I didn't get much sleep at all. I rang reception to ask for a Bible at 1 a.m.

as I couldn't find one. Oh my God, I imagine at 1 a.m. being like... Which is honestly the most shocking part of this review. Totally. That there's a hotel in Texas without... a Bible. Like, that's crazy. But you have to think it's because somebody took it with them, right?

Like, they just kept... That's probably true. They take them with them every time they're like, I can't go anywhere without this. We drove by the, like, Ennis Cowboy Church? Cowboy Church? Yeah. It's a cowboy church. Was I sleeping? Yeah, I just, you know, I just

was, I think I was just, like, so amazed at it. I was just, like, couldn't even say the words, Cowboy Church. It was so I was like, this isn't real. And then I looked it up. The reviews were fantastic. Apparently, it's a lovely community.

And they were just helping out some people. And I was like, that's fantastic. Not that I expected anything else from a church. That's crazy. I would never. That looked like a fun place to go to church. Like, if we weren't Catholic, I could see myself falling into something else. Like, I hear that someplace have, like, rock climbing walls and, like, fun things to do.

No, that's a trap. Yeah, I know. I would have been trapped, is what I'm saying. It's always the guitars that are plugged in to something. I mean it. I don't know. Into something. What?

It's like when they have a guitar that's plugged into something. And then they're like, why don't we all stand up? And I'm like, trap. It's a trap. Anyway, bring out the guitar. Yeah, that's going to go really well. Okay. Where the fuck were we?

drug, but we weren't actually drugged. There's an elevator operator who's on to the elevators. I just love that people are getting off the elevator too and they're like, oh my God, help. I know I've already said that, but it makes me laugh. Okay. I was skeptical about ghosts until now.

If you want a free ghost experience, stay here. Good luck. End of review. That was five stars. That was five stars, yeah. Yeah, okay. And the business said, thank you for your review.

So, yeah, they were like, It was all five stars, except sleep quality was one star. Yeah. So, you know. I wonder why. Worth it. You know what? I haven't decided what to give you yet for, like, the one that I want you to read.

This one's pretty bad. This is really bad. You might want to, like, leave some of the words out, but... What? Seriously? Yeah, I screenshot this because it was so shocking and then I thought,

I'm not going to read this and now I'm like, I don't even have to. It's of Dick's Last Resort. So you're kind of matching the business's energy if you choose to read this whole thing. If I choose to.

It's short, so I'll give you a second to peruse. Let me know your thoughts. It's under not recommended for some reason. I'm not sure why. Jesus Christ, Alamson. It's not even funny. It's not even funny.

Okay, Caleb. It's funny when she, well, we'll see, actually. I don't know if this will be funny at all, but I want to see it. Cut this part out. Yeah. Start the sensor now. Cut this part out in advance. I've never said that before.

One star by Caleb of Dick's Last Resort. the hostess bitch behind the counter is cunt plain and simple fat bitch needs to keep her bitch ass mouth shut before she leaves one day and finds a bat to the face why would you make me read that you sick fuck what's wrong with you I found out we were recording this and I needed that

I needed to, like, those specific words. You'll find out later. It's the whole thing. Why would you do that? That wasn't very nice. No, it wasn't. That's the whole point of this, isn't it? I'm so bad at this bit.

You are. I'm so bad. Every time she was like, why would you make me read that? I'm like, isn't that what we're doing? He always brings, like, either reviews of, like, these strip clubs. Strip clubs are really good. Really graphic reviews or, anyway. It's not that, okay.

Last one was like, oh, I love seeing my aunt. when she's here so it's like it's not great I wouldn't call it graphic I don't remember that well now you do because that was the last one I made you read about a strip club

I guess I got to use more of those so you remember them I've reviewed a place called Plano Pets it's a pet store that closed many years ago Oh oh okay We're gonna find out why Yeah one star by Lauren the employees here are the type of people

I wouldn't give the time of day to seriously I was at a reptile expo a while back and someone suggested I'd go over to their booth to find a particular item I was looking for I laughed and laughed and laughed oh my God

then I spent my money at Boas and Balls Booth instead Boas and Balls Ball Python ever heard of it? of course ever heard of it I just wanted to make sure we all everyone in the audience knew

what balls meant yep that's I knew I definitely knew here is why I hate Plano Pets the employees are rude I'm a very respectable young woman

and I have no time for that nonsense I believe they misjudged me because I don't look like the type of the girl that would own a snake Hmm, what does that mean? I don't know. I asked to hold a snake, and the employee said,

Are you serious about buying? I don't want to waste time on you if this is playtime. Okay. Apparently, I don't look like the cookie cutter reptile hobbyist. So embarrassing. So embarrassing for her, though. Like, it is. The only person I'd be like,

It would be like someone was at a. carnival. You know, they'd have a snake, but like, other than that, I feel like, what does a snake owner look like? Like hot pink hair. Oh, that's definitely not what I was. Who are you thinking of? A snake owner. Oh, I guess I...

Someone who owns a snake just said, yeah, I dyed my hair pink. Pink hair, yeah, yeah, yeah, you get it. Pink hair, tank top, and tattoos and be like, oh, I own snakes. And works for the traveling fair, maybe. And is also a carnie, correct, yes. Okay. Apparently, I don't look like the cookie cutter, reptile hobbyist. Jesus Christ, he was an idiot.

I ended up spending $600 that day on a beautiful boa constrictor. Nice. Somewhere else. No way would I give Plano pets a penny after that incident. I've heard some horror stories about Plano pets from a lot of people in the pet trade business.

Be careful. There aren't a lot of exotic pet stores, in the Dallas area, and that is the only reason Plano Pets gets any business. But I have a loophole. What? Just because there aren't a lot of physical locations

doesn't mean you have to come here as a last resort. Can I tell you something seriously? What, like order on Amazon? Like, what are they talking about? Can I be so serious? I have not read this far into the review. I have absolutely no idea. This happened last night? It happens every night. And she was like, you know, I'm going to skip these paragraphs. I'm like, what are

you doing? And she's like, but let me see. We'll cut this out. We'll cut this out. I don't know. I'm going to, I read the first part, and it's like, I'm not the cookie cutter reptile girl, and I'm like, keep. And I don't have time to fucking go back and read it until

now. So she definitely didn't. Right, pet trade business. Oh, I found a loophole. Okay. Let's find out together, shall we? I'm ready. Just, oh, I closed out. Just because there aren't a lot of physical locations

doesn't mean you have to come here as a last resort. There are tons of people in this, quote, hobby. Even in Dallas, our trade is very active. If you need recommendations, feel free to message me. I always know people with animals for sale. smiley face. What? Edit.

Okay. If you're an employee from Plano Pets, don't contact me ever. End of review. Whoa. Okay. Three people said helpful, and one person said,

Love this. So, there's a conspiracy of what. I don't know what it is. I can't even begin to guess. But, like, reptiles. Like, it's given the whole, like, reptilian.

Like, you know, like, the whole thing. It's creepy. What's happening here? What's going on? I'm not the cookie-cutter reptile hobbyist. You think I am. So, I can't help you. Okay.

You know one, though, with hot pink hair and a tank top. I can't wait to be introduced. I honestly think I have someone similar who wrote a review of the National Video Game Museum. Oh, yeah. Which is here in Plano. I saw that. Yeah. and yeah this fucking nerd is

a reptile enthusiast someone I'd probably be friends with so I'm not saying I totally agree but this sounds like some people I know here is a one-star review by not my real name coward again these cowards here we go

this is more of a video game console and arcade machine music If you're expecting anything cool or significant, as a computer gamer, you won't really find that here at all. Not a single thing from the 90s to present time that is about computer gaming. Only thing cool they had with an old vintage Japanese computer, the really old Japan computers had some cool games made for them. That's about it. And that's floppy disk days. I'd wager there's some other private collectors out there

with even more impressive collections of everything this tries to be easily very very easily it hardly lives up to its name as a national video game museum because it doesn't to be honest it sounds like a made-up title someone who thinks a little too highly of themselves made for it this place should have

way more of a presence of computers in a video game museum considering at least over half of all gamers are computer gamers and a few Oh my god, it's like the computer has been taken over. I don't know how to use computers. The computer does not want to be stopped

anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alexiner, what the fuck was that? Some fucking nerd who I thought it was funny as a computer gamer myself. Hell, I thought, you know, there are some good things. Oh, you're one of the 60%? Look, look, I wouldn't give them a one-star review,

but it sounds like they're lacking a little bit, a little bit. How dare you? I'm sorry. God forbid, I think something's lacking in Plano, Texas. God forbid. No comment. No, I don't know. I found a place called Cheap Stakes.

Cheapestakes. Why? Wow. Okay. Cheap steaks. Yeah. It's right what it's on the tent. I get it.

I get it. I get it. Don't get mad at me. This is a one-star review by Sky. These stakes really are cheap. I went here to just have a good time with my grandma. Oh. What?

Who I picked up from the nursing home to spend time with me. I also like the idea of, like, I spent time, I picked up my... I was here to spend time with my grandma, who I picked up so she could spend time with me. Okay. Like, they're codependent somehow. It sounded pretty codependent. Yeah, exactly. You get it.

I go in and reserve my table when the waitress told me that it was. going to be a 30 minute wait. I looked over and saw all the tables were filled with not people, but dirty plates. Dirty plates all around along with napkins scattered, even napkins on the floor and everywhere. What's happening? Since I already reserved a table, I didn't want to make my grandmother wait at another place. So I said I would wait for the next table that hopefully would be clean. When we got to our tables and order our food,

I got the New York strip. It was overcooked and oversalted. When my taste buds felt this, I swear I have never tasted steak the same ever since this day. Oh, my God. This day single-handedly changed my taste buds. Oh, no.

Not the mention, the fries were so dry and oversalted too. Like, seriously. Did someone spill the salt or something? Classic. How do you mess up two times when it comes to seasoning? I would have just asked my grandma to make me this because at least she knows how to cook

compared to some low-paid, low-budget worker. Oh, my God. Don't say you haven't read this far. First of all, I have not read this far. I didn't know. I didn't know it was going to be so mean. I've never read any of the rest of the review. Okay.

And that's not meant as a defense. It's meant as a criticism of myself. Yeah, we were feeling both things. I was criticizing while you were being defensive. Fantastic. I want to make sure we're on the same page. Oh, yeah. Okay, so at least grandma knows how to cook,

but not just at least grandma knows how to cook. At least grandma knows how to cook compared to some low-paid, low-budget worker. I'm glad you said it again. Woo! And don't even get me started on my grandma's food. Okay. I won't. She got a salad and oh my gosh, it looked like that same worker went outside and grabbed cabbage from the ground.

She didn't even wash it because let me tell you there was dirt just lying on top of my grandmother's meal. Oh, oh. Like seriously, how do you not notice that? And there was little steak around the salad that we even asked for. Like, that shit tasted disgusting already. Are they trying to kill my grandma with their charcoal? Maybe. Anyways, I said I wanted mine to go, while grandma only ate a bit of it.

I had to take my poor granny to McDonald's after this. It was a traumatizing experience. To be honest, I would rather strip butt-booty-naked than eat that dog shit again. Oh, God. End of review. Oh, okay. Vivid. I wonder if grandma feels the same way.

Yeah. You know? It paints a nice picture. It's nice in my mind, I guess. But I'll keep it up there. I have another review of your famous State Fair of Texas. Oh, my God. Yeah, and this is, yeah, I think this is the same one, same fair as that first one.

But don't worry, different subject. Here we go, one star. Went to see the question. Crafts. Huge disappointment. First, it was difficult to find where they were and went to three different buildings before finally locating them, specifically the knit and crochet crafts. There were some there that definitely should have won, but there was a ton of stuff that had ribbons that didn't show any technical mastery. No special stitches or particular excellence at the craft. One

winner wasn't even from Texas. No. She was from Oklahoma. Disgusting. Enter your own state fair. You dumb bitch? Yeah.

Get the fuck out of here. You're fucking sick of that shit. Who the fuck? There's a reason we're not going to Oklahoma this tour. Fuck do you think you are? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Man, I'm getting real heated right now. Oh, my God.

Those fuckers, man. Don't get me. Have you seen their crocheting? It's fucking awful. Ugh. So embarrassing. Pathetic. Second.

There were several items that had other winners ribbons pinned to them. Such as a doily who had its ribbon pinned to them. the nearby sweater. If I'd been the owner of the sweater, I'd have been livid that you're poking holes in my item and weakening the integrity of my item with someone else's ribbon. I love the idea that the person who made

the doily was like, I'd rather you not poke holes in my winning piece. Can you put the holes in the sweater next door? Yeah. In that booth? And I don't know much about doilies, but I think they... So many holes. Have a lot of holes. I'm pretty sure they're like kind of

defined by holes. Yeah, that's what makes them doilies, perhaps, yeah, instead of a pot holder. That's right. Yeah. Beautifully put. Thank you, because that's easier to make. I did crochet 101 and have not gotten past making one single line. So...

You should go to Oklahoma. That's where I belong right now for being so shitty at it. Where are we? Oh yeah, we're poking holes. Here we go. Thirdly, it's very clear that whomever they have judging the fair knows nothing at all about the craft. Get people who actually know a thing or two

about the items they judge. Fourthly, how is it that some categories have 15 honorable mentions? Fifthly. Fifthly. Fifteenthly. You're making money off all the entries. At least print the ribbons. All the ribbons, even the top ones,

had the names of the winners on sticky labels that in six months to a year will brittle and fall off and leave the winner with a ribbon and a black square at the top. So shoddy and really, really poor manifestation. It's no better than a participation trophy. She's like, I didn't even want to win. Yeah.

Because the reward is so bad. I don't even want it. You know what? They brought receipts, a.k.a. photos. Uh-oh. Those ribbons were fucking shitty. It was like a normal ribbon,

but yeah, they, like, put a little thing, and the names were all crooked or not, like, typed on there. You're just, like, hooked to other people's sweaters. Yeah. All over the place. Someone was walking by and got a ribbon placed on them. They still haven't found it.

That's, that's honestly really, that's really sad. Yeah. I could literally go to Walmart buy a 10 pack of ribbons and print my own winner labels and nobody would be the wiser. Make it worth the winning,

do better, end of review. Wow. Yeah. They provided a lot of photos, so I couldn't be... I feel that's hard because it's like a photo of somebody being like,

can you believe this one? And it's like... And I'm like, yeah. Like, why not? The fuck do I know. They all look pretty good. I would say. Yeah.

Okay, are we at the end of our rope? Oh, Jesus, no. Sorry. What do you say in English? I'm not going to answer that. What do you say in English? A lot of, most things that I say, actually. How you say, like, I think I have room for one more review.

Thank you. I'm so glad. First of all. I did not want to have to answer that. First of all, security. No. I'm kidding. I'm gonna cancel that out because I'm on their side.

Can I tell you? Security for this one right here. Can I tell you in all serious list? Serious list? Serious list? Ooh. Okay. Last night in the H. Town.

You know. You know the one. You know the one. We were five minutes over time and I said to Alexander like, hey so like how much time's left he goes I don't fucking know and I was like I said fuck if I know first of all and then I looked at the clock

and I went oh I think we're like over and he's just pretending like we're not so I'm just trying to be as respectful as possible of everyone's time yeah she just wants to get back to the hotel room to watch shitty hotel TV and get high medically get high that's all she wants

and what if I do Careful I hope someone with a cowboy hat can protect me here from you I did not want to know that Hey don't tell me that Now I'm going to lose sleep over it Okay

I'm not I'm glad he came back for an apology And then left again Shit You seem really glad, yeah Yeah. Anyway, yeah, so we're nearing the end. You have one before I do our little finale. I mean, I did, and then I threw it across the room. I got one. Here is a review of the Stockyard Hotel. It is a five-star review called Geronimo Suite Paranormal Activity.

We stayed in this beautiful hotel on July 13, 2016, in the Geronimo Suite. As my wife and I arrived back to our room, my oldest son was lying on one of the beds watching TV and told us the TV kept turning off by itself. I told him how funny. This is us later. Oh, how funny. Oh, really?

How funny. You always wanted to stay in a haunted hotel. And now you have your dream come true. Wow. Yeah. So I late. What? Sorry, ungrateful brat.

The sun. That's right. So I laid on the other bed, grabbed the remote control, and sure enough, the TV kept turning off. Changing channels, volume kept going up and down. It made it a chore to even watch. But I was fascinated with the activity that was going on.

I thought we were going to see Geronimo himself stand in front of us for a second. Who's that? I don't know. You know. I know. I mean, he said Geronimo. I know that. She doesn't know anything. She's just pretending.

When the TV turned off for the last time, I yelled out, if there is a ghost in here, turn the TV back on. Within 10 seconds, the TV turned back on. I sounded like Zach from Ghost Adventures. I said, did you see that? It sent chills down my back. It sent chills down my son's back.

I don't like that. Don't talk about someone else's chills down their back. That's something I think we should all just take to, you know, like, take to heart. But don't talk about, it sounded so weird. If I was like, oh, it sent chills down my, my, brother's better. Like, what a weird thing. It's a weird thing to say.

It's a weird thing to say. Yeah, I wish you didn't say it. It's a weird thing to say. Yeah, I know. That's why I said we shouldn't say it, and then you said it about me. But here's what I'll say, is that Zach on Ghost Adventures would say something like that, you know? So it's like, if you're going to play the part, you might as well play the part. Eric's back is so chilly.

Like that? Yeah. I've never watched an episode of this show in my life I'm serious I just know her she always fucking make I always have to hear about it though apparently her husband set some boundary and so now I have to be the one to hear this

I must be the only explanation that's the only reason yeah yeah no no no in all seriousness Alexander Oh, yeah, please be serious, yeah. I'm going to be super serious now. I don't think you know what you're messing with.

What does... Like, what, Zach? Yeah. Yeah. He's very litigious. I've heard. I've learned that the hard way. End of discussion.

You're not supposed to talk about that. Stop. Exactly. I said end of discussion. Second of all... Wait, did you check in with your parole officer today? I forgot. From all that stalking... Never mind.

Oh, sorry. Never mind. This was, this is not a microphone conversation. Put the microphone down. Remember when Aaron from Ghost Adventures, his wife tried to kill him. I'm serious.

I'm not making this up. Everyone's like, yeah. No, no, yeah. I remember. This is not an, it's a, it's a serious thing. You saw that. Well, some of you did.

I'm sure probably 60% of, if you did not, but it's fine. I'll get over it. There's this whole thing where Aaron from Ghost Adventures, his wife hired a hit man to kill him. Yes. And this is in the last year or two.

And then Zach Begans was like, oh man, that sucks. And then like as it was happening was like, we're here on the ground with my best friend Aaron and his wife just tried to murder him. Were there signs

all along, let's go back and watch every encounter he's ever had with his wife. And it's like, boy. He was almost a ghost. He, and now I have to talk to him as a human still, I hate it. Was this the spirit of Bobby Mackey's

that entered his wife and made her want to kill him? What did Bobby Mackey do to his wife? You don't want to know. Wow. He probably, yeah. Okay, so let's get back to this. I sounded like As Zach on Ghost Avengers, did you see...

Did you see that? It's chill down my son's back. Yeah. It's not good. That's what started all that shit. Okay. I didn't know what to think anymore. Then the small antique-looking chandelier

right above one of the nightstand started a swing. And as I go to stop at, the other chandelier above the other nightstand, started to swing. Is the building moving? I asked? I mean, maybe.

I literally lost my point. Hold on. We'll wait. My wife fell asleep without a care in the world. I told my son, just go to sleep. At 2 a.m., the damn TV turned on again. George Lopez. Oh, no.

I yelled out, knock it off! And forced myself to go back to sleep. In the morning on our way to check out, I informed the front desk personnel of our experience, and she acted as if it was the first she's ever heard of it. But I could tell by her demeanor that it wasn't. I have a feeling that upper management instructed all personnel to play it off when a customer brings up the haunt.

Well, that was our experience, and I loved it. Great hotel, end of review. I really liked that. That was so good. That's pretty kick-ass. Yeah, the fact that they actually liked all that weird shit. Yeah, that's something that you would like, and the next morning I'd be like, please, I fucking hated that.

That was awful. Could it be? Yeah. Well, it was my fault. We stayed on that haunted ship in Sacramento. Don't do that. I book two fucking nights. He goes, don't look up where we're going.

And then, like, all of a sudden, we're, like, driving over a body of water. And I was like, I feel... What? Yeah, he's like, oh, we're... Like chitty, chitty bang, bang. It was a whole thing. Had to be there.

That's right. We were flying through the sky. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, then there's a ship with... That's haunted that we slept on, and it was, like, very uncomfortable. It was, like, 110 degrees.

The AC isn't very good. on haunted ships and then she left the day early and then I spent the next day just by myself in that room don't awe he booked it what the fuck is not my fault I don't think it was anyone else's fault

but it was a very sad scene was someone it was someone's fault everyone should feel bad for me and it wasn't my fault it should feel bad for me that I have to share a room with you at all that's fair yeah

anyway at the end of our shows we like to read a review of the lovely venues that host us because they're great and because we want to come back we do five-star reviews so um we're not stupid don't worry in houston we're like we don't want to come back but we'll still do a five-star review i'm just kidding oh well i want to come back here i'll say that definitely this was a lovely time you you disagree No, no, no, I love it here. It's just like... But just Plano.

You were just a fan of Plano. You hated everything else. I just, I feel like it's going to get back to Houston that you said this last night and said, fuck Dallas. Well, you didn't really say that. But you sort of did. I don't recall. I don't, I don't, definitely didn't end the show talking to shit about Dallas.

I would not do that. There's a lot more rumbling than I expected. I will say. I said more shit about Austin than I did Dallas, though. Yeah, yeah. Those freaks, are you kidding me? Those freaks. Like, we barely talked about them

because, like, it's low-hanging fruit. Like, really. Stop. Pretend like you're with me with this bullshit that I'm trying to pander to the people. I want to end on a good note for them. Okay. Anyway, here is a five-star review of Mike Drop Comedy in Plano, Texas.

Here we go. This place was great. The staff was hustling and so friendly. They bring you water the second you sit down. Unfortunately for my server, I'm a fish. So I felt bad. It took a while for him to bring me more. But he was running all over that place.

It was very organized and clean. Bathrooms were nice and clean as well, with like three exclamation points. I would love to come back. End of review. Oh. Yeah. That's lovely. And I agree.

I agree. I would love. This was a lovely time. I had so much fun. It's been great. Thank you so much. Plano slash Frisco slash Fort Worth slash Dallas. Irving.

Erving. Enis. Go. Stop it. I can't. Someone did say, I did see a Yelp form. I just said, I hate Garland. And that was it.

And I was like, that's not that. funny um but someone did say they're like oh at first i thought you meant what goes on a christmas tree but yeah garland sucks yeah they're like yeah they're like now that i know yeah there's a lot of opinions um we just are so happy that we even got to be here so thank you dallas area yes we appreciate you hopefully see you again soon yes tip your server get home safe we love you very Five-star review of the place. Yeah, leave a five-star review of our venue. We love it.

Yes. We love you, too. We love you all. Bye.