Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 36: Banks in Charlotte, NC

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

Welcome to Christine's Unnamed Game Show featuring Skeeve Harvey! In this episode, we cover finance, art history, sports, and rats. And Christine gives us some fascinating insight into her life: she's been to a bank. So enjoy our exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them, now playing on a little girl's YouTube channel. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill our dream of chatting with you live on video! Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, tyops, dr_skitz, Adam_N, noah0189, oldedgar, qubodup, parkersenk, and Mrthenoronha. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Ready, set, go! Start your engines. Fire up the porthole. Ew.

Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christina Schieffer. I'm Alexander Schieffer. I'm Alexander Schieffer. We are here to read you reviews. Of? Banks. In? I forget. Charlotte, North Carolina. You ruined it. Charlotte, North Carolina. What a lovely place. I went there once. You did? How was it? It was lovely. Um, Emma and I got into an argument about a burrito place i think but otherwise it was great what was the argument i think they went to get burritos without me and i

burst into tears because we were probably three months into our tour and had slept maybe two hours in the last week um and then we had a tearful reunion over burritos. Fascinating. Okay. Forget I asked. Forget I said literally all of that. It wasn't that interesting. It was truly the least interesting. Whenever I argue, it's like... I hear burritos and I'm like, ooh, juicy. No.

Burrito arguments. Okay. So as we just sort of said, our theme this week was Banks in Charlotte, North Carolina. And I gave you a challenge you want me to read what you gave me yeah my challenge was to find a one-star review of a rental property that the reviewer never lived in i like this one yeah and i kept having to remind myself of like definitely had to be one star uh they never lived there so i found some that were like

oh i used like they eventually mentioned that they used to live there so i was like oh shoot can't do that oh i didn't think of that yeah well i hope it was all right it was actually i did want to say one thing about last week's episode so this morning before we recorded i was going through some emails and i found an email from Samantha from a while back. And they said they just finished binging and they requested reviews of boardwalks in New Jersey. And I was like, oh, we sort of did that. Oh, shit. Really?

I just, I mean, I didn't want Samantha to think we were ripping off their suggestion. But we kind of were. We kind of were. Inadvertently. of were inadvertently. But yeah, they said, I worked at a boardwalk for four years in high school, and they are truly a place where human decency goes to die. That's true. We did find that. Yeah, we definitely agree with you on this one. But thank you for your service working at one for four years. That seems like quite a task you had. Yes, thank you for your service, Samantha. Quite a duty. Cool.

So, I mean, I think you have more reviews than I do. So you go first. Well, no, no, no. First, we've got something to take care of. Oh, shoot. Is it our last winner? It's our last winner. Guys.

So if you're listening, if you listened to this in July of 2019, you heard an annoying intro to all of these past five episodes. But you'll notice that this one doesn't have it. It doesn't. Yeah, and we're going to remove the other ones anyway. So those are gone too. Do you miss it? Alyssa asked if she could make that her ringtone.

I'll send her the file. Important message. So anyway, we have one more winner for you guys. Tell me. Our final winner for you guys. Tell me. Our final winner is The Netty. The Netty? The Netty. Okay.

The Netty. Oh, the one and only. Whose actual Apple Podcasts username is Cheeses. Just spelled normally, Cheeses. I can get down with that. Yeah. I wonder if they paid for that username. That's a good one.

That's a good one. They probably got in on the ground floor of Apple. They must have. Yeah. So this is a big shot here. This is what the netty has to say. Titled, I would give this podcast seven stars if I could. Oh, hell yeah. That's a lot.

The extra mile. One, the gentleman reading the introduction two the theme song and background music choices three the dramatic readings four sibling memories five for the weekly themes and challenges six for the happiness you bring to my drudgingly dreary work day and seven i appreciate you both standing up for the retail and restaurant workers out there. Everyone should have to do six months in each industry to recognize the patience that is involved.

I think it would make people more pleasant to work with and be around. I completely agree. I don't necessarily agree with the draft, but I do agree with the draft if it means you have to work at Walmart for six months. Or maybe... Could you imagine?

I think that's on Elizabeth Warren's platform. I'm sorry. Okay. Yes. Welcome. That was funny. So, congratulations. We'll DM you.

Congratulations. You should have gotten a DM. And thank you. Congratulations to us for getting such a kind review from Jesus. Shut up. Thank you, everyone there we read through every single review and we appreciate every single one well renee sent me a fucking weird review some people write mean horrible things on itunes which weird one did she send you it's really bad it's the one that i didn't mention to you yep i know exactly which one that is. Did she write it? No, she sent it with a bunch

of dot, dot, dots. And I said, why the fuck would you send me that? She's like, I thought you would have seen it by now. And I was like, no, there's a reason I don't read the one star. And there's a reason I didn't read that one to you. Jesus Christ. Guys, go look it up and write and then put, is this helpful? And click no.'s really fucked up we're not gonna read it right it's so wildly inappropriate okay okay and while while you're browsing the reviews it was a two-star review it was two stars i don't think it was one star so they i think so it may have been a pot anyway i think they need to talk to their therapist about some issues they're having in their own life okay anyway on to our theme which is banks in charlotte north carolina i'm sweating me too i

went to a bank no tell me all about it was this before after your burrito argument it was before oh my god actually it was during it was during no the tension i think I left some bean juice on the... Ew. Don't say bean juice ever again. Okay, I'm so sorry. Please read your... I'm going to read my first review. Okay.

My first five are actually all from the same branch. I think almost all of mine are as well. Is it the main one? The Bank of America Financial Center? Yeah, did you know that's their corporate headquarters? That's why I picked the city. i looked up where certain banks were located wow you kill me with that because i read fucking hundreds of oh god it was such a nightmare whoopsies but yeah no i i knew it was the bank of america headquarters i didn't know that okay this first review is by Antti. One star.

Why are you even open? You have no parking and dumb hours. End of review. Why do you even exist? That's such a dumb question. And I looked and all of the banks have the exact same hours. What is that? I don't know.

What is that weird? It sounds like a fly. It does sound like a fly. I don't know why you swallowed the fly. Stop with that. I keep saying that. It fits in everyday scenarios. What? I'm turning electronics on airplane mode. Okay. Okay. It seems to have stopped. Thank God. I don't know what we did to make it stop. Nope. But it seems to have stopped. Okay. So where were were we why don't you just read over here okay um awesome so yes i also discovered that bank of america corporate office was stationed in charlotte so i have a i have a lot from that same but a lot of people wrote in

from different cities yeah and said this is the corporate account, and it had one star on Yelp. Oh, yeah. With hundreds of reviews. Okay. Bank of America, one star by Ferris. I have been with B of A since 2014 and had a pretty good experience at first, but then I was robbed at gunpoint and made to give my pin, and now they refuse to give my money back. and now they refuse to give my money back. Also, I gave them the police report number when this happened, and now December, after they denied my claim twice,

told me I had to get the copy myself and send it in. WTF are the investigators even for if I have to do all the legwork for them? I'd like to see what these investigators would do if they were held hostage. And drugged. And hit a gun. And machete on them. Oh my god. While someone was at the atm with my card i bet they choose to live same as me fucking crooks that went robbed at gunpoint alone is terrible terrible and terrifying but then the drugging

and well they started at held hostage in the held hostage hostage is already but that didn't happen to them no i don't think so i think they would have clarified if there was also a machete involved in the robbery uh if they were held hostage and drugged and had a gun on them and a machete on them it seemed very specific and quite threatening right so what is this person planning for these investigators also also they said they said i'd like to see what they would do if they were held at gunpoint and machete with my debit card not like with their own you know what i mean i don't know i just thought that was weird this guy's fantasy is doesn't align too well with reality. Yeah. I mean, what else is new, really? What else is new with most of these?

Good point. I think somebody should maybe put some flags up on this one. Yeah. Let's hope someone out there is doing that. I might do that later. Yeah? Flag a bit? Good.

Just like an afternoon activity. Yeah. Flagging Yelp reviews. One of my favorite pastimes. We're good at that by now. We are. This next review is by Google Name. Oh, cool.

With a picture of a dumpster. Oh, they probably also got in the ground floor Google with that. Oh, yeah. This is a one-star review. A disgusting company that attacks our Second Amendment while protecting those in our country illegally oh no i will never do business with bank of america and encourage all god-loving pro-second amendment patriots to do the same hashtag never bank of america i'm gonna review what in the ever loving hell um yeah so it sounds like a parody review especially with that dumpster in the title

right apparently bank of america was like pulling out of loans that were for arms manufacturers or something like i thought we were going to go the route of they wouldn't let me bring my machete and gun and drugs into the bank no it's something like that yeah so oh so it's literally just their business practice um was pulling loans for gun manufacturers yes i see and so therefore they um whatever the government bailed them out anyway didn't they and and that's the thing is like there and people have mentioned stay out of politics it's like this is Bank of America. Like, yeah, ideally, they would stay out of politics. But like, not for your Second Amendment bullshit. You'd be happy. Like, I don't know.

It's just such a weird, like, and that has nothing to do with the Second Amendment. It has. No, that's what bothers me so much. It has nothing to do with the Second Amendment. They should read our children's book about. Exactly. That's our new venture. Yeah. TM, our new venture. Yeah. TM, TM, TM. But also, I'm glad that they only encouraged the God-loving Second Amendment people. Okay.

Just no atheists allowed. No God-fearing. No, true. No God-fearing either. Only God-loving. Just God-loving. Okay. Okay.

Because we all know that God has a lot to do with gun rights. I mean, everything, really, I would argue. You would, yeah. Excuse me. Wowza. That was a lot. Wowza, indeed. So, I have a review from Jen, also of Bank of America.

I'm going to actually read this more as, this is how I read it, as an advertisement. I wouldn't give Bank of America any damn stars. They are the worst of the worst. I don't like banks anyhow, but this is the number one worst bank to be associated with. They're liars and unwilling to help their customers and slip in hidden fees to your account without your knowledge. That's why I'm staying with prepaid Visa cards. They offer no hidden fees or agendas. Not to mention all the perks you get when you're not with a bank. So now I'm telling all banks to kiss my ass.

Piss off, Bank of America. You suck American balls. This advertisement has been made by the Second Amendment. What the hell? That literally sounded like an ad the right in the middle where it's like that's why i'm sticking yeah they offer i was like wait a second is this some weird i thought it was a total like plant by visa or something which is a really weird way to and then they said suck american balls or something oh yeah and then i was like oh maybe it's not a plant maybe that's what they want me to think. Maybe they were a plant.

They were hired for one day and then immediately fired. Yeah. I'd give them a raise. Honestly, for that one, I'd hire them as a secret shopper, go into all the different stores, tell them what they think.

Uh, yeah. So there's that. My next review is by Douglas. One star. I would rather be captured by ISIS than deal with Bank of America. The worst customer service on the planet. End of review.

You can't say that. You don't mean that. Stop. Oh, Douglas, Douglas, Douglas,ouglas that's so wildly inappropriate yeah don't be too surprised i'm not i don't know why this is something where like going in i was like this sounds like a very boring theme yeah and then the crazies still come out they always do i think it's always with like-to-face interactions, things get real weird. Like tellers and customers and cashiers at Walmart or wherever, maybe.

It's all the... Because there were so many for Ally or these other online banks that were just so dull because it was like, I called and I was on hold for... But the ones where they are in person are much more interesting yeah people a little more sensitive that way yeah i mean machetes drugs there's all sorts of crazy shit going on in charlotte okay so this is a super fun one by n it's a one-star view of bank of america well not quite You'll see why. Better referred to as Skank of America for a reason.

I don't believe it. There's no reason anyone would call it that. Horrible bank. No customer service. Do not use this bank. You have been warned. The buyers of my home in California use Skank of American to fund a home purchase. The underwriter from skank, we've abbreviated now. This is ridiculous. The underwriter from skank delayed closing for a week because they cannot read simple English.

Run away and use any other bank. End of review. Now, I'm into the fun game. Sort of like a game show. I already know I don't want to play. But tell me anyway. So, Skank of America.

Okay, hold on. Hello, everyone, and welcome to Christine's Game Show. We're workshopping names. Yeah, we gotta work on that. Today's contestant is none other than the bad boy of podcasting himself. Hi. Your first challenge.

Name. I'm trying to think of what game show this is like. I don't know what the game is. I'm sorry. I should have planned better. Your first challenge is to guess the nickname, the insulting nickname of Bank of America. There are two correct answers.

Skank of America has already been chosen by your competitor, N. Okay. It is now your turn to pick a name. 30 seconds on the clock. Stank of America. Oh, I'm sorry. That is is incorrect but you do receive bonus points because that is better than the real answer bank of un-american i will give you additional bonus points i think maybe you're answering the correct answers and these people something about people being cranky cranky of america crank of america we'll give it to you. The crowd goes wild. I'm good at this.

This is I Know What Game It's Like. What's the thing with the family and the Steve Harvey? Family Feud. Family Feud. Welcome to Family Feud. Survey Says. Survey Says. Okay, you're next up.

Next up, we have another contestant. It's still Alexander. Come up with another have another contestant. It's still Alexander. Come up with another Bank of America nickname. One person surveyed. Top answers are on the board. It's pretty simple because it's pretty stupid, is your hint. And then there's one final bonus round. Yeah, maybe I'm... is it the same type as

the other ones i'm trying to think what rhymes with the bank it's not clever dank once again you have frank you have beat frank of america i don't know you have beat the original contestants because there's something really obvious that I'm like, jank? No, but I will tell you, I'm sorry. I'm going to insert an answer. Rank. No, not rank. Unfortunately, the answer was prank of America.

However, we do have one final redemption round. This is the bonus. And if you get this correct, you will win the grand prize of a grill. And also... What game show is this? Apparently, Fee doesn't give out grills. Just hurry up giving this bonus

thing. The final bank in question. Fifth third bank. What is an offensive nickname for this establishment 30 seconds on the clock fifth turd bank and he wins i'm so good oh my god i could be a i could be a yelp reviewer incredible you did it you won the grill thank you i'm so proud of you thank you thank you thank you everyone thank you so much and i'm so looking forward to dinner my adoring fans

thank you oh wow wow bad boy indeed i was nervous i wouldn't pull pull through but i did you did and we're all very impressed with your fortitude okay steve harvey has left the building. Thank God. I don't want him around here. More like Skeeve Harvey, am I right? You're so right. I'm playing my own game. What else is new? Oh, interestingly enough, my next review.

Oh, wait. Your review's up next. Sorry. Are you sure? Did you even give one there? Yeah, Skank of America. Oh. But the next one I have is from Steveve interestingly enough but you go next here's one from john one star robbers i hate

bank of god your bank is too big for the size pants you wear end of review what What is Bank of God? I think... See, I didn't look too much into this, and I didn't think too much of it, because I try not to when I read these. But once they said your bank is too big for the size pants you wear, I assume they just mean that they think that they're, like, God, as in they're big and the best. Oh, but this is not a bank called...

No, this is a Bank of... This is the same place. Oh, we should have added this to the game show. Yeah. No. Bank of God? Yeah. Is that an insult?

I think it's meant to be an insult. They called them robbers and then called them Bank of God, so I don't know. Wow. We should tell Trash Monster, Google Review, or whatever that person was. See, that's the thing. We get people from all walks of life.

Indeed. Indeed. Indeed. People who think that Bank of America is God. People who think that Bank of America hates God. That's really the full spectrum. A little bit of everything. There's a full spectrum there. Yep.

One extreme to another. Yep. All right. So this one, this next review is by Steve Harvey. Oh, sorry. We're not using last names this next review is by Steve Harvey. Oh, sorry, we're not using last names. This review is by Steve. It's a one-star review of Bank of America.

Oh, no, sorry, this one's a fifth turd. Oh, fifth turd, okay. Ethics have always figured high in business to me. The leadership in this bank, in trying to close a line of credit, 50K for some remodeling, in this bank in trying to close a line of credit, 50K for some remodeling, found every single encumbrance and nickel-dimed me to stop doing business with them.

They basically held me ransom for additional funds to stop doing business with them. Leave your wallet at home and go in with your hands up for these bank bans. Leave your wallet at home and go in with your hands up for these bank bandits if my choice in the future is this bank or my mattress the mattress wins steer clear i love it when they paint a picture what does that mean you put money people put money in their mattress i am so dumb i was like you're you're gonna sleep on it i don't get it i'm so stupid okay i get it now yeah not not nothing too crazy nothing crazy oh man yeah i know you're excited you're like how

sinister is this let's find out he's still he's i thought he was storing his machete under the mattress. Oh, true. I got really confused. Okay, my next one is another one of Bank of America by Max. I didn't have to say that. It's very obvious it's Bank of America. And I think we're... Here's another.

It's another one star. Okay. Bank of America in Lyle, Illinois has the worst teller in the country. And yes, his name is Michael. Disrespectful ass. End of review. I knew it. I knew his name was Michael.

And after Michael, I can't count them. There are at least 15 exclamation points. I'm not exaggerating. It's so many. You could count points. I'm not exaggerating. It's so many. You could count them. I'm not going to. Oh, and yes. It's that many.

Yes, you knew it. Yes. And yes, everyone, you called it. Of course, it's Michael. These already, these all sound like advertisements. Yeah. And yes, you would be right. And yes, I did find that in Charlotte, North Carolina, by the way.

I know it says Illinois, but this person wrote in a review for the lyle illinois bank of america using the headquarters in north carolina well they wanted to tell them about michael yeah they figured that if anyone could get the job done firing michael it would be corporate in north carolina pretty incredible that he's the worst teller in all of the country. It's amazing. And what's amazing is that Max is so well-traveled that he would know that. Yeah. Well, when you said, and yes, I thought you, like, his name is Michael, I thought you were

going to say, and yes, I've been to every bank. And I was going to be like, you know what? Then you have every authority to tell me that Michael is the worst teller. Wow. Incredible. Really incredible. what then you have every authority to tell me that michael is the worst teller uh wow incredible really incredible yeah um that's i mean honestly like they better watch out or fifth third might uh sweep in swoop in and uh and uh poach him and get max's uh oh you mean poach michael poach michael yeah the teller yeah pretty incredible ranking he holds to be honest he might be a plant oh he's being paid by fifth third to be so disres such a disrespectful ass wow oh fifth third really just stuck him in there and said do

your worst yeah do your worst okay i have one final review i also have redemption after that okay but i'll just do the review first this is a one-star review by lewis of bank of america wow shocker i am a platinum honor client the bank oh my god and you're right my name is michael oh it's max who's been traveling around the country using it way too much silly me i am a platinum honor client yet the bank manager called the cops on me because i refused to say please what that's it yes oh that kills me. Who are these people?

Okay. I have never had the cops called on me. And there are times when I didn't say please. So I have this feeling, a little bit of a feeling. That's a little more happened here than just that. I'd like to think not. I could be wrong. I'd like to think really he just didn't say please.

My God. That was so good. I don't know. I don't know. See, honestly, that leaves a hole in my heart. You're right. Because I'm like, I need to know what happened there. We'll fill it with some.

Fan fic? Sure. I was going to say some grilled items from your new grill later. Oh, yeah. I forgot I have that. We'll eat our feelings off of your uh off of your new charbroil grill okay i will please i will stop i will stop i'm so sorry i'm like nervous that it's gonna have to come up again later this weird grill thing i mean it doesn't

have to but i i'm worried you'll shoehorn it before i might uh pull a fifth third and uh plant a michael in your path you've been shoehorning fifth third and that's kind of funny i love a good fifth fifth third joke you got you came up with it too on your own true yeah that's why i love it okay my next review is a one-star of PNC Bank. Emphasis on the P, am I right? PNC Bank. Yep, yep, yep. More like P and P. P and more P.

Am I right? P and more P. You are so right. This is a one-star review by Matt. I wouldn't bank here for any reason. I arrived at 9 a.m. as the teller was unlocking the door for business. Being a gentleman, I let the woman standing behind me enter the bank first. I just threw up in my mouth. I know. That's when I was like, this is going to be good.

She needed a notary, so they asked her to have a seat. They asked me what I need as some lady in a DHL uniform enters and jumps to the front of the line. I say that I'm making a payment. They then proceed to process the line-jumping woman's transaction first. I questioned the teller as to why this occurred, and he acted like he didn't understand the question. I asked again, and he flat out refused to answer my question if you want to wait in line forever to be treated like you're inferior and that your time is worthless then do your banking here and a review and then this woman walks up with a box and ask somebody to sign for it and hands it

over how dare this woman be this guy went from being a gentleman to being a real asshole real quick. It's amazing. It's always the people who insist how gentlemanly they are that really turn out to be problematic. If you have to say that you're a gentleman. Yeah. You're most likely not a gentleman. Show with your actions. Just putting that out there, Matt.

Not your words. Well, he did hold the door open for one woman. So therefore. Not the other one. Not the one in the uniform. He says he did. words well he did hold the door open for one woman so therefore not the other one not the one in the uniform he says he did he says he did true hmm true hmm true anyway that is uh upsetting upsetting do you have any more reviews i do have one more okay how about you read that and then i'll read the redemption redeem us yeah we gotta we gotta pull us back out of the the hole my last one is of wells fargo bank oh you spread it around a little bit at the end there exactly more like hell's fargo that's so stupid hell's far wells fart go hell's fart yeah wells far toe well far toe there it is we got got it, guys. Ding, ding, ding.

We're so good. This is by Young. It's a two-star review. Not my bank. It's my mother bank. I don't really do business here. End of review. Who gave this child a Google account is what I always want to know.

My mother bank. Yeah. There was one that I saw that was like, wouldn't even let my 10-year-old notarize his paperwork. I was like, wait, what? Ay, ay, ay. Oh, my God. Oh, man. This is good.

All right. Yeah, that's one way to put it. Good is one way. Good has lost all meaning in this podcast. Yeah, that's one way to put it. Good is one way. Good has lost all meaning in this podcast. Yeah, I don't feel good. So, I'm going to say not good. Okay, I have one redemption. Please redeem us for the love of God.

This is a four-star review by Doug of Bank of America ATM. Oh, I didn't think to do that. Yeah, I did. I didn't think to. that yeah i did i didn't think to i just stumbled upon it but that's okay bank of america atm in charlotte four stars so beautiful architecture end of review i like it it's the nicest atm in the world i'm sure beautiful stained glass oh wait no somebody just macheted the screen oh yeah yeah i love a good stained glass actually i think uh doug was just looking to you know how they have a little mirror oh yeah and he's like oh beautiful except

the atm i went to this morning had a big bar and I looked up and it was all distorted and it had my whole face in it and it was terrifying I thought you meant like it had a bar it was like instead of just a little circle mirror it was like a whole bar I see like a whole it was massive and it alarmed me and then really upset me when I realized it was me in there who else it would have been more upsetting if someone else were in there. Got me there. They have a bar with a little person watching you. Maybe.

I thought you meant a bar. Like, they have martinis. And I was like, well, thank God we live in LA, I guess. Not Charlotte. Cool. Are you ready for my challenge? I think no. Yeah.

It was actually not too bad. So my challenge was to find a one-star review of a rental property that the reviewer never lived in. I think we're also still all recovering from the cruise ship forums. Yeah. Mine, thank God, were not as upsetting. I really hurt a lot of people with those. I mean, it was sad. Like, physically hurt their souls with it.

It was sad. It was disturbing. Mine hopefully aren't that disturbing i'm excited i enjoyed it i really yeah and i first did my special google searches did not work out well because a lot of people were like complaining about how they tried to live there and they got rejected but didn't get any of their money back or something deposits yeah so it was just like a whole like shitty situation kind of thing yeah this isn't too great um so then what i did was i just looked up random apartment complexes and there are a lot of people that

write in reviews for places they don't live in granted a lot of them are like my sister lives here or whatever or my friend lives here but a lot of them are like my sister lives here or whatever or my friend lives here but a lot of them are five stars still weird to review a place your sister lives in why and most of them were five stars most of them were like oh these are great amenities if i ever want to live anywhere i would live here and it's like what what a weird thing to do was one of them uh not my apartment my mother apartment but like that is i mean i guess maybe if you're on google and it you know how it does that thing of like rate this place that you visited i guess that people did really thought out long reviews yeah that is so odd talking about all of the amenities i mean i

guess it's nice that they're five stars but then again it's like people post on social media and stuff i think a lot of people treat yelp like social media where they're like i'm gonna get reactions the human race is screwed i don't know some of the shit i post on instagram looking for reactions yeah and attention the one with you kidding me and a garlic hat oh come on garlic bulb that's that one was special oh that was beyond special yeah my foot so it was a picture of me with a giant garlic hat on it on my head yeah and the caption was it's getting hot in here so take off all your clothes follow me on instagram for some some wonderful wonderful experiences what the fuck no uh wow okay um i love that place did you come up with that by yourself i mean seriously or did you look up garlic puns you looked up garlic don't ruin it i'm sorry i'm so i looked up garlic puns i mean it's

it's like too good it was too good it wasn't me it's like it was too good i'm suspiciously good but it was everywhere on the internet so i didn't feel like i had to credit one person so i was like whatever anyway bad boy podcasting what can i say can i read my reviews now i guess i'm itching now that i'm like oh no i've been exposed i guess you may okay uh my first one is of vantage property management in millersville maryland okay. What's going on with Jeremy here? I don't know. Would never have been able to guess where we'd end up next. Okay.

The one star from Charlie. Though I'm not a tenant, an extremely close friend of mine is. I spend a lot of time at her place, and I have nothing but bad reviews for VPM. My friend's heat went out a few times in the last six months. When she called VPM to report the issue, Hannah, who is a receptionist, lacked empathy to the situation. Mind you, this is during a time when the weather reaches low 20s, 30s overnight. They refused to pay for someone to come out, quote, after hours, which is 5pm, and asked if we can go buy a heater.

Yes. Instead of doing their job, or understanding we might have a baby in the residence, they would rather us go purchase a heater. They were doing a thing that we talked about last, I think last episode? They don't have a baby, to be clear. They obviously don't have a baby. What a very weirdly specific concern one might have. Yeah.

Okay. And I love how it's like, we, when this person doesn't even live there. This is an extremely close friend. Exactly. You got to understand. They could have a baby. They could. They could.

Hypothetically. Hypothetically speaking. I'm picturing them on the phone. We could have a baby in here. Oh, no, do you have a baby in there? No, but we could. That's besides the point. You would think that if the furnace is faulty, you would replace the whole thing?

No. When they do send someone out, it's always a quick fix. Works for a month or two, then breaks again. And they wonder why people are so pissed. They are the most unprofessional PM service I've seen. Oh yes, and the manager happens to be the receptionist's uncle. So good luck with filing a complaint about the people who answer their phones. They are living proof that you can still get far by being an unprofessional dumbass.

Wish I could give them no stars. The one stars for Yelp allowing us to share. End of review me and my baby me and my hypothetical baby oh god do you think hmm tell me it's just very weird that this person did this yeah do you think that this is a fake account no it's probably it seems like this seems to be a very overreactive friend yeah it seems i mean maybe that i i don't know if because i will read through all of the other reviews and no one else reviewed like this okay so i assume that the friend was the only one who did it pasting into like and also my friend yeah okay so but maybe the friend was like hey do you mind with your Yelp account that has 13 friends?

Would you mind? I think you could really spread the word about our hypothetical baby being so, so cold. Let's see how people react to our hypothetical baby. Let's see if people would be interested in hearing more about it. My baby's very chilly. Okay, my next one is of Hastings Terr apartments in fremont california whoa you travel all the way back she like raised her arms just got pull i'm picturing i like to picture our show as a children's cartoon as you know i don't about the constitution mostly but also we travel

this is by rad one star terrible management i was walking my dog around this area and a blonde lady ran out accused my dog of pooping which my dog didn't she was peeing and then told me to go to the park where you belong my dog was peeing on the grass outside the property, which isn't even owned by the complex. And to review. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. This complex, this apartment complex.

Crazy. And apparently that. So the reason I knew that this person definitely didn't live there was because he called this woman just blonde lady. Uh-oh. Because I know everything about her based on the other tenants. Oh, yeah. I didn't.

And to think I was about to accuse this guy of not even having a dog. You were? Oh, wow. Yeah, so. I could have a dog that didn't poop on her lawn. Wow, so who is this mystery woman? This woman. This foxy lady.

This foxy lady is the, like, what's it called? I don't know. The manager? Yeah, I think she manages the property. Landlord? I don't know. So, this woman has been called racist on numerous occasions. Oh, no. And also, one thing is that apparently this woman is also constantly watching people. So, it's like a thing.

Oh, good. So, let me, here we go. Here's one from a one- star review of the same place. So they said the only problem is the manager lady here. She will make your life miserable. She is such a racist and single old lady has nothing better to do. She lives by herself and keeps roaming around in the apartment premises all the time. She will knock on your door at 10, 11 p.m. and fight with you for a small little problem. Everyone living in the apartment hates her. Uh-oh. Wow. Yeah, so...

Can you imagine she just roams around in the dark like a chupacabra? There's another one. Leasing officer manager is such a racist. She treats you like you come from prison. Oh. She does not know what customer service is or how to treat people. This sounds bad. Oh, yeah. It's just, just seems like a very...

So then this, like, passerby just was walking along and got yelled at. Yes. And not even on her property. No, exactly. Wow. She came running out to yell at this person oh my pooping dog that wasn't pooping goodness go back to the park where you belong yeah so apparently um yeah that's just a problem over there seems like maybe it is

let's go on another little journey okay i'm I'm buckling up. We're going to Radius at the Banks in Cincinnati, Ohio. Oh, back home we go. Headed home. I'm sorry for everyone who just turned the volume down in their car. That was a really unfortunate noise I made. So I looked up this place. It's, I think, fairly new. It's at the Banks, which is like a newer life.

That's where Blaze and I met. Yep, good times. That's where my favorite bar used to be. Luches. Anyway. Is it closed? Yeah. Closed down like two years ago or something.

Oh no, Nick, are you okay? Nick. Nick. First Jessica, now his bar. He's losing everything he loves. Okay. Let's move on. We love you, Nick Luch move on we love you nick lachey we love you nick so this is a uh considered like a premium like fancy apartment building sure sure let me just tell you

the penthouse two bedroom two bath is like 2100 or something oh that's a lot right no i mean for us living in l. For Cincinnati, not for LA. But like, I looked up the penthouse, like the top, like really nice balcony, good amenities. And I'm like, that's it. I mean, that's significantly less than our right here. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But, uh, wow. It was just upsetting that like something that nice could be that. Whatever. Should we go back to, whoa, we're going back. No. Okay. We're staying here. Let's hear what Matthew has to say first about this place. That's true, we need to hear Matthew's opinion before we move anywhere.

This is a one-star review. Interested in a viewing. I reached out for an appointment, since the site did not have a good detail on actual views for the vacant units. I had a return call from Christine, whom let me know she received my online inquiry. See, I'm very professional. You dropped the ball here, actually. I called back and left a message after work. Stopped by at 5.11, hopefully able to view a unit as to the view and feel of the quality.

She told me that she had a 5.30 appointment and no one was able to show me any vacant units. There was not enough time. Two people were present at the time i explained i'm in sales and finance of a customer is in person cater to that person stop it did that make sense to you no okay just make it stop can i restart that because i'm like worried i read it wrong but it's like you're not in finance or sales, so you probably wouldn't understand. But, okay. Just read it again. Two people were present at the time.

I explained, I'm in sales and finance of a customer. Is in-person cater to that person? Oh, I'm in sales and finance... Finance of a customer? Customer is what? Is in-person cater to that person? Should we call Steve Harvey back? I think we might need a prize if we figure this out.

And the sentence isn't even over because if the appointment does not show up, that is a sale missed. So the point they're trying to make is, so they come at five 11, but the, but the woman says, I'm sorry, I can't show you an apartment right now because I have an appointment with

other people who scheduled it. Oh, I thought you meant at LeShay's. No, she has an appointment, a scheduled appointment at 530. Understood. Yeah. With other clients. Yes. Or other potential tenants.

Yes, who made an appointment at 530. Understood. And he came in at 511 without an appointment. Understood. She again said, can we make an appointment? Sales and customer service is the factor to any sales position. We had 18 minutes to quickly view a unit. It takes less than 12 minutes to run a mile.

Surely we could have viewed a unit. I am New York... It takes less than 12... This is like the most complicated formulaic equation I've ever heard. I'm so confused. Also, I guess it's... I mean, okay. What? Oh, just go on. I am New York native, so I understand the art of sales and hustle.

Make it stop. They lost a future resident. End of review. A future, not just any future resident. He can sell you something. He can hustle like a New Yorker and he can run a customer in less than 12 minutes how impressive what an ideal tenant to me what an ideal tenant yeah what the fuck is going on it's just so like it's just like it's it's annoying because obviously he thinks he's incredibly impressive yes and that he deserves them to go out of their way to help him. Like, if he was really that easy to say, oh, then you lost me as a future resident. Like, no, you weren't going to live there.

God, what a pain in the ass he would be if he lived there also. Exactly. But yeah, you show up and you're like, what? What do you mean? You have an appointment in 18 minutes? Why don't you just show me quick anyway? That is the most frustrating fucking thing. Yeah, terrible. I feel so bad for these people that work they have to deal with actually people all over and it's frustrating because it's not even like somebody who made an appointment it's like somebody just wanders in off the street and is like giving you hell yeah for no apparent reason but he left a voicemail

so therefore he deserves it and her name is christine so she clearly dropped the ball yes okay let's head on over to the Da Vinci Apartments in Los Angeles. Oh, we're back! Stop waving your arms. This is by Allie. One star review. My friend lives here. When she first moved in, she was enjoying it

and trying to convince me to move into one of the apartments as well. I was honestly thinking about it up until my recent visit here. I know where this is. Yeah. That's the one, like, downtown somewhere? Isn't it, like, on the highway? Yes, it's, like, right off with the weird papyrus font. Yes.

Okay. I believe so. Wow. My friend misplaced her room key, and we were locked out. I had my car keys in her place, so I couldn't leave either. After two hours, someone came to unlock the door. Once this man came,

he realized he had brought the wrong key device and had to go back. After 35 minutes of him going to get the correct one, we decided to call him. He said he isn't coming back now, and he will be back later. Keep in mind that this was late into the night, and we had nowhere to go.

I don't even live here, but now I'm definitely not living here. Zero out of ten. Do not recommend. End of review. I don't live here, but now I definitely don't live here. And it's not over. Oh.

We got a manager response. Oh, hell yes. Da Vinci himself? Da Vinci. Jack Da Vinci. Jack Da Vinci. No relation. No relation. No relation.

He makes it very clear. Hello, Allie, and thank you for your review. I'm terribly sorry you and your friend that live here went through such an awful time. It is my understanding that your friend was described the lockout procedure, and the service manager who lives on site was there within 20 minutes. It is true the key did not work, and he offered to cross the street to get the key corrected. However, he was told not to bother. 35 minutes later, you and your friend placed a call asking where he was,

and he got back out of bed to come and take care of the situation. Again, our apologies for the unfortunate evening. Jack. End of review. Oh oh my god they pulled him out of bed isn't that so messed up you're telling him to go to bed like and it's cruel i don't know why the manager would go out of their way to lie about this maybe just to save face but like but what a very specific if you're gonna lie wouldn't you make it like a much more blatant lie like like we were there in 10 minutes and we let you in and don't write crazy reviews yeah or do the thing that a lot of people do where they say you're just from michelangelo department apartment

complex across the street writing one-star reviews of da vinci apartments i'm glad you came up with michelangelo there i'm very impressed. Ninja Turtles, Ninja Turtles. Wow. I mean, that's just LA. You know, that's just LA. That's just so LA. Am I right? Let's go a little bit outside of LA for my final review.

Oh, we're still going. Not too far. Just to drive. I'm getting a little car sick. Maybe 30, 45 minutes, depending on traffic. Can we stop at In-N-Out? Actually, I'm sure there's one on the way. I'm just not familiar with any.

Okay. This is the Prado Apartments in Glendale, California. This is where, when I first moved to LA, I lived. This is where our first apartment that we went and booked and lived in and signed for together oh and our dad was a um whatchamacall the one that um was like yeah these guys are poor but i have i have some money i can give you but like in case they like default on their bank account and you can't find them i guess i'll pay their rent exactly uh wow we lived there with the lexus yep and that's where i got geo's first home yep even though i was very broke and couldn't afford it i don't want to talk about it yep it was a rough time so this is a review by n one star if you were gonna say by christine i was like i probably did write a review at some point this

might be your alter ego oh boy I give zero stars for this place. I don't even live here. There's rats all over the place because they keep spending their freaking money on landscaping. You idiots. The more bushes you plant, the more rats you're going to get. Everybody knows that. This is an educational podcast. There's also a lot of bugs and roaches coming into the house from the cracks and openings in the front door.

They lost my sister's rent and made her pay it again, along with over $800 in legal fees and late fees, of which she didn't even know about until last week. And every month she'd pay her rent, they'd apply it towards what they say was late. You should call our dad, he'll sign for you. He'll be responsible. One person's very eager to do it. You'll be responsible. One person is stupider than the next in the office, including the office manager.

I can go on, but I'm gonna stop here. Do not rent this place. They will steal your money. End of review. She was lovely. The office manager? Absolutely. Oh my god, she was such a gem. The mail system was very bad. We did have a bug problem problem a very bad cockroach problem when did you move in what year was that 20 december 2015 i think or something like that yeah okay well this this

review is from september 2016 so did you move in no i moved you moved in earlier i moved in in december of 20 I don't know. Whatever. It doesn't matter. It seems like maybe it was around that time. Anyway, it was around the same time. Oh, man. Glendale.

Glendale. I remember the bug. We definitely had to get an exterminator involved several times. I was going to say something. Oh, my God. Did I ever tell you before you moved in, there was this group of little girls that started following me around? Yes. I know about them. You remember this?

Yeah, I remember them. And they started showing up at our door. Yeah. And she's like, I have a YouTube channel. And she would be like, she'd follow me around with her phone. And she was probably like six. She was very little. Her name?

Emma Chamberlain. Should have gotten along with her. it i lost look at her now lost my chance i'm just kidding no she was a little girl and she had like this phone she kept saying i have a youtube channel and she would like film me without me knowing and then be like i'm gonna put you on my youtube and i was like please stop filming me like i would just be walking around walking geo now everyone's everyone's goal right now is to find that youtube channel i forgot her name i found it at one point really yep because i was like shit i need to make sure there's nothing weird on here nowadays she probably made it big she's probably huge i'll check i'll cash in on those royalties uh but no so at some point sue her into oblivion at some point sorry she's not gonna make that rent

on that next product just kidding yeah she's literally six years old so she uh figured out she followed me home one day like this isn't a tiny complex like she followed me home figured out where i lived at the end of the hallway and started showing up at our door and she's a small child and she kept saying can i come in and i'm like i don't think you understand how bad it is to let a six year a strange six-year-old girl and also there's a man living here like you were living there yeah and i'm like what they're just gonna find their six-year-old in our apartment like hanging out this is so bad i was like does your mom know where you are and she's like no she says she thinks i'm playing outside and i was like this is really terrible so she started

i told alexis like don't ever answer the door because this was when i was unemployed and you were at work and you're like by the way during the day don't answer the door because it might be a small child trying to get in i'm like you know what no problem she thinks i have her money close the blinds yeah she really just and then she would wait and she would start screaming. She'd be like, Gio! Because she figured out. Oh, her name was Gia. That's what it was.

Because of Gio. She was like, my name's Gia. And I was like, that's so nice and fun and cute. And then I went away. She latched on to me. My former co-worker's granddaughter is named Gia. How old is she? Like, young.

Is she a YouTube star? Not yet. Does she live in Glendale? I'm in a lot of her videos. Stop! She'd come by with her camera in my office. But it really, anyway, so that's my memory of Prado apartments. It's a very weird one.

Anyway. That was really... That's a good finish, huh? Interesting. Thank you for taking me all over the united states you're so welcome and ending us back in glendale of all i love how we say we went all around the united states and it was literally like happened to have a maryland one and then a cincinnati one because we live we were from there and then three california ones oh my god we touched all our bases. Yeah. We really got a set, a feel for this great nation.

Okay. So now's the time when we would normally throw our website out there. In your face. In your face. But we do have something else we want to do. Important message. Instead of that dumb, instead of that,

that July merch giveaway, now that that uh july merch giveaway now that that's over yeah we want to throw a new incentive out there in your face in your face tell tell them what we're thinking oh so we have a really okay so we are trying to get more active on our patreon and we love our current patrons and we are trying to add some more and hopefully draw some more people into our patreon and make more active so we if we are currently at 79 patrons as of this recording if we reach 100 patrons or when we reach 100 patrons we are going to try out do a little test run of a youtube live kind of q a just for patrons just for patrons and i don't know maybe we can do something fun. It'll be like a 30-minute Q&A live thing. And if you

miss it, you can always go back and watch it, but it'll be only for patrons. Yes. And I think for us it would be a fun little test and see how what the reaction's like and hopefully that'll lead to a lot more live videos with live chats with patrons. That would be super fun. So

we'll see. Maybe we'll come up with some, I super fun so um we'll see maybe we'll come up with some i don't know we'll see we'll come up with something fun but yeah so if you guys want to check out our patreon it's patreon.com slash beach to sandy uh we really appreciate all your support it really helps make this happen and make this a recurring weekly thing and we're so thankful that you let us do that absolutely thank you everyone yay now it's time for our theme and challenge fantastico okay i have your theme this week tell me what is it so um i decided because last week we were trying to think of places we haven't covered yet states we haven't covered we have not done alabama correct? Correct. And Birmingham is close to our hearts.

Yes, because we went there. We have family there. Once, oh, yeah. Austrian family there, weirdly enough. Yes, we do. Okay, also, fortunately for us, Birmingham is the biggest city in Alabama. So that helps. So I looked up to see if anyone had suggested Birmingham,

and Bailey from Alabama had actually suggested the city, but I kind of mishmashed it with my own suggestion. So we're going to do dollar stores in Birmingham, Alabama. Fun. Yes. Okay. And I made sure there are plenty of those. Well, it's funny that you say dollar stores because my challenge this week is actually

to find a one-star review of a dollar store where someone complains that the prices are too high are you being serious yes that was actually your challenge yeah it was oh my god absolutely okay so maybe i can uh whether or not i came up with it like a few minutes ago but i was just before i said it though right because i looked at my list of reviews or challenges and stuff and i saw one of my themed ideas was dollar stores. That's number two on my list, too, of themes. So I was like, okay, maybe I'll do a challenge based on that. That's so funny.

Okay, well, perfect. Then we're going to have quite a themed episode, a discount episode, if you will. Discount episode, guys. This one's free. This one's free for you. Free radio show. You're welcome. All right.

Enjoy, everyone. Check us out on Patreon if you want to see our faces. We understand. We understand if you don't. We absolutely do. And we'll talk to you next week. Bye, everybody. Can't wait.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.