Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 362: Reviews of Hospitals with Nurse Blake

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

Throw on your finest Armani tracksuit, because we've got hospitals to complain about.See Nurse Blake on tour or on the open sea!! https://www.nurseblake.com/Follow him on Instagram @Nurse.Blake and TikTok @NurseBlakeJoin our Patreon for Noddy content! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandyWe have merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.storeWatch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowetFind us on Instagram and TikTok @BeachTooSandySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. I'm the brother host. I'm Zandi. Yes. And today, Alexander, this is a very big day. A sibling host? I don't know what to say. I probably shouldn't call it a sibling host.

Our third triplet. We can add to the triad. Yes. Okay. We have a third triad. Yes. Okay. We have Nurse Blake here as our guest today. Nurse Blake, I wrote a little intro for you. Is that okay if I read it? Yeah, do whatever you want. Okay, great. I'm excited. No, no, no, now there's pressure.

It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Today we're joined by Nurse Blake, a registered nurse viral content creator, healthcare advocate and nationally touring comedian currently bringing his show, but did you die to audiences across America? In addition to his comedy and advocacy,

Nurse Blake founded the Band for Life campaign in 2013 to end the FDA's permanent gay blood donor ban, which ultimately helped contribute to the lifetime ban being lifted in 2015. His work has built a massive community of nurses and healthcare workers on stage, online, and through his live events like Nurse Con at Sea. And most importantly, our podcast. So welcome Nurse Blake to the stage. Thank you so much for having used that beach, too sandy water to wet, Blake to dry. Okay. Oh, thanks. See? And now we finally have our third. It's like the perfect trio. We actually originally the title was going to be like ice too cold and we were like. We came up with so many terrible iterations. It was going to be like 11 words

long. I love the creative process. It's a really good name. I'm obsessed with that. Oh, thank you. That means that means a lot. Well, I like the name of your tour. But Did You Die? Because I feel like that's a lot of the energy that we get here. It's like these people are writing these terrible reviews and we're just like, okay but did you die you're good i mean literally sometimes in the reviews of hospitals they did die but that's besides and maybe they were a hospice patient maybe that was their time it was their time that was right yeah and it's like maybe you shouldn't have fed them applesau when they're clearly not supposed to be eating i've read i don't know much about nursing but i've read a lot of reviews the past few days well i got you i'm here all things nurse yeah as long as you don't show me your rashes

I, you know, my husband's a PA and he gets enough of that from his friends that I don't, I know better by now to then do it to do that. And I have my own medical resource downstairs. So I promise. I don't, I can't promise for my brother. But I promise. Yeah. Well, no, I have her husband. My brother. I just face time. Yeah. That's true. Free health care. Finally. Thank God. You did it. Blake. You did it. Oh, my God. So expensive. It's crazy. It's great. Crazy. And that's why so many of the reviews are so depressing. It's like, yeah, we agree. This is awful. We can see through some of the darker ones to be like, oh, these aren't funny. They're just true one-star experiences. Yeah, but so we have a lot of fun stuff. I would be remiss not to mention that my mother-in-law, Sherry is a nurse and has been your biggest fan for a very long time. And she literally lost her ever-loving mind when I told her that we were interviewing you. So Sherry says hi, and she's just delighted that you're here. what's up sherry give it up for the fellow nurses and to any other nurses that are listening y'all are badass you know it's true Oh, yeah. It's true. It's true.

Well, thank you. We have a couple questions just to get things rolling. Do you have any experience with like one star reviews? Or do you have you ever written one? I mean, I'm sure you've received them. We all have if you're in any sort of public arena. Sure. I had a patience.

Mom tell me I just skip around like a fairy. Oh. That feels like it should be a five star. Hedge also, thank you so much. Also, she's not wrong. Okay, fair. Not wrong. however don't give me one star you're right that should have been five star it's like you're just

approaching it with the wrong attitude lady yeah so she fired me and if you didn't know patients can fire nurses they can just be like I don't want that nurse and apparently I skip around like a fairy so she didn't want that that's really so you know who you're going to get you're going to get fucking Deborah okay and Deborah's been around for a good luck okay yeah you know you're not promised you're gonna wish Deborah was skipping around like a damn fairy yeah that's Right. Exactly. I can only imagine the feedback, but, you know, from, yeah, all spectrum. Yeah, you know, unfortunately, the H and for hospital does not stand for a hotel. And a lot of times, you know, people want it to be a hotel, but we're not there to, you know, fluff your

pillows. Unfortunately, you know, we would love to make you give you everything you wanted, but we are way too short staff. Like, I mean, I'm just amazed when I get a blanket and I'm like, that's so kind of you. Like when a nurse brings me a warm blanket, And I'm like, nobody's ever done that for me, even at a hotel. That should be five scars. That should be, yeah, you're not even getting a blanket at hotel. Exactly. Thank you.

Yes, exactly. I know exactly what you're talking about. You are totally perfectly segueing into. That was really weird. Yeah. It was really weird. Our first bit, because we like a good bit. And we're pretty new to these guest episodes.

So we're trying some things out. But the first segment we have for you today is called hospital or holiday in. And it is, oh, Alex, and I'm realizing I skipped the entire segment of segment one. So, sorry. That's okay. The segue was too natural. We couldn't do your thing. Couldn't help it.

We couldn't help it. I'm the older sister. So sometimes I just change the rules like immediately and he just has to do it. Yeah. So then like people feel bad for me. So it's fine. They're like, oh, wow. She's bossing him around.

I'm like, mm-hmm. I'm a victim here. It's a really beautiful dynamic we have. Okay. So the first game we have here is hospital or hospital. holiday in, Blake, and we would like you to guess. We'll read you a one-star view and you have to tell us whether it's a review of a hospital or a hotel. These are all real reviews from mostly Yelp. And Alexander, do you want to read the first one? Yeah, here's the first one. Their free Wi-Fi blocks League of Legends totally ruined my experience. That's definitely a hospital. I feel like, did I get it right. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, I did. You did. I have a feeling you're going to get moved. So it's so, you know, unfortunately, you'll have a patient. They're like, I'm in 10 out of 10 pain, you know, and then you just catch them playing

video games, making TikToks. It's like 10 out of 10 pain mean you get run over by a train. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then meanwhile, there's the people like us who go in and we're like, oh, my arm fell off. And I'm like, it's like a tube. Don't bother yourself. If you have a warm blanket, that's fine.

Except when I was little. Do you remember, Christina, when I went, I don't know what it was for, but I went in the hospital and they asked my pain level. and I said a seven because in my head it was really bad. And then they brought out the chart and the chart number seven was like on death's door was sobbing and I'm just sitting there quietly. I think you had like, I don't think I'm a seven. He had like swallowed a shock tart or something.

That was probably when I was choking. No. But he was like talking the whole time and breathing. So it was like, you know. At least you gave us a number between zero and 10. It always drives us in a little nuts when you're like, what's your pain on a scale? of zero to 10, and they're like, 15. And you're like, I can't add that into the buggy chart.

That's not an option. That's not a thing. Re-try. Uno reverse. 15. Yeah, right back at you. Oh, my God. Okay, I have a second one here.

This one says, staff were behind the counter laughing while people wait it. I guess that's kind of like. I feel, I feel like that's a holiday in one. You know, it's a hospital, but also it was also in all the holidays. It's like, I think all of these are going to flyer both. I don't know what. This is great.

They're kind of like freaky. If you're a patient and you're a board, request to be in the patient next to the nurse's station. Yes, see? That is going to keep you occupied. You're going to know all the tea and drama. That's where you want to be. Yeah, I heard a lot of them. There's so many reviews complaining about gossiping.

Like if they're not gossiping about you, why do you care? Sorry, we're trying to have a good time. Thank you. We're laughing. Be happy about it. We're tripping around like a fairy. Just, I know, right. Sheesh.

All right. Here's a third. It smells like urine immediately upon entering. I feel like hospitals smell a little more like shit and chlorox together. So I'm going to say that's holiday end. It's a hospital. Damn. You know, but there were so little.

I love this. Holiday, the hotel carvice smells like urine. So it's sort of like, but there's, you know, we have to pick and choose. I know. And also most of these are. hospitals you probably figured that out by now one's got to be a holiday one eventually i feel like i'm taking a nursing exam and i'm like if i keep hitting one yeah it's going to happen like the statistically speaking you'll figure it out yeah um let's go okay so the next one uh i personally love um

staff too busy having sex to care for us oh that's a hospital but that ain't me because i never get it Who has time for that? I'm like, this is Gray's Anatomy. Yeah, people watch too much Grace Anatomy, I think. I'm too busy. I'm too busy. I'm too busy not getting it in. You know what I mean?

Yeah, there are bigger problems, bigger fish of fry. No one's in the hospital is as hot as Grace Anatomy. You know, they get McDreamy. They get McLeak warm. Like, okay, like it's rough out there. Okay. So, yeah, if you have some chance to gossip, like, just, just lean into that. There's, there are few joys, I think, at a workplace in general.

But you know, if I were to hook up, there's always a closet, like in the hospital, the unit called the dirty utility, which were just all the dirty goods go. So just hook up in there, and then you don't have to worry about cleaning up or anything. Okay, noted. You don't even have to clean up. You don't even have to clean up. You don't even have to clean up. Oh, I love that.

Oh, okay. I try to stay out of hospitals, but I might have to write this down just in case. Yeah, just in case, Andy. I mean, right now. Cool. Let's see. I've got this one. I asked for ice and was told the machine was catching up.

That's probably hospital. It's a hotel. That one's the first hotel. Okay, okay, okay. I think I just thought, like, oh, there's a lot of ice. That one catch out, like, ice chips. No, it's about ice. Hospital does have good ice.

They have that chick-fil-a ice, like the little... Oh, like the little... That are so crunchy and so good. Oh, that's nice, yeah. But, y'all, I've never seen one of those machines get cleaned. to be honest as long as no one's having sex in those and not honestly I mean but yeah those never get clean even as nurses like we love the ice it's so it's like iconic right it's like the only good part about a hospital the only thing you'll get for free is that free then I love the

idea that the the machine is catching up and the nurses are just like you don't get to just it's catching it's having a moment it's taking a little nap it's like the macdonald's ice cream machine that's always down when you want to be blurry oh my god so dark. All right. I'm trying to see. Are any of these even like actually confusing or are they No, they're great. That's so fun. I'm having fun. I don't care. Okay. This one is. I think read number six and then we'll move on. Okay. This one is interesting. My ex-roomate Paul works there. The whole nine months I lived with him, he never showered. End of review. Oh, that's it. Oh, he lived there? No, he. Say it again. Say it again. Sorry.

My ex- roommate, Paul, works there. The whole nine months I lived with him, he never showered. Oh, that's a, that's a hospital. No, do you sound so disappointing? Why he didn't shower? Why he don't shower? I don't know, but it also said he doesn't brush his gums, like, in the full review. And I was like, who does that? What a weird thing to say?

But, like, how do you know that your roommate doesn't brunt? I mean. You're going to leave that in a review? That's strange. It felt a little, like, target. I don't even know, and I feel like they would have. One thing, one pattern I did pick up on, and you'll be. able to tell me if this rings true in your experience is that any time somebody mentioned oh

as a healthcare worker myself in a review without giving any further context it was like red flag red yeah it's like what let me see your credentials yeah really license number yeah prove it yeah so much stolen valor on yelp it's such a thing with sure with medical it's just ridiculous because they always want to be the expert they work at like a little clinic doing like nothing you know right right like of their expert, yeah, it's wild. Oh, good times. Everyone wants to be us. Why is everyone so obsessive?

I know. Oh, my God. You go to spirit Halloween right now, all nurse doctor costumes. Oh, and sexy ones too, I bet. The sex up a shift. Put it on and pick up a fucking shift. Try for one day. You know, please.

Oh, my God. I'm good. I'll pass. I did see that. I did see one person who wrote a review of a sexy nurse costume who was so pissed off at the idea of it. And I think it was just a nurse who was just like, I'm sick of this because you should try being in my shoes.

And it's not those heels that you're wearing with your sexy. There ain't not there's sexy about being a nurse or doctor. Yeah. No, I asked my mother-in-law, I was like, Sherry, what are some things like you'd want me to mention? And she started sending me all these things.

And I was like, oh my God, what? I don't want to say all this stuff. Oh, wait. I got to hear one. Okay, okay.

She said, um, descriptions of, like, what are his least favorite descriptions of bowel? movements. She said, they use horrible adjectives. My least favorite is consistency. One nurse used to say applesauce. And I was like, I was like, this is sickening to me. And then she also asked, what is his ick? Because all nurses have an ick. We do have an ick. I mean, I don't know.

Like I would say, number one, when doctors don't listen to nurses, it's like such an ick. Oh, I imagine. I mean, that's an ick for me. And I don't even. It's like, come on. And like, a few things that a lot of people I don't know like nurses also a lot of us have to pay for parking to work are you kidding we have to pay to work there like we have to pay to park which is okay that's so i've heard that and i've heard that it's sometimes a terrible walk to get there even walks dangerous not safe yeah and we're working 12 hours so yeah i definitely have eggs i think like if the patient's always like you'll get a patient who's like my daughter-in-law's a nurse and you're like, is she, is she?

Yeah, freeze. Thank you. Like, where is she? Why don't she clock in? Why is she not doing this IV? Right. Yeah, I know. It's like, because she can clock in and help help me out a little bit.

Yeah, that would be great. Yeah, it's colored up on your stilettos and come on over to the hospital. What specialty is sharing? So she works in a, like it's like a, not hospice, but it's like older seniors. And she lives in Connecticut. A lot of the, a lot of them are Polish. And so she has just some very. wild stories of all these, you know, much older people who go there for, like, rehab.

Yeah, geriatric patients. If I had a pick between like pediatrics or geriatrics, I'm definitely leaning more in the geriatric. Because if you, if you're a nurse, you got to also watch out for the parents. And it's, oh, yeah. Too much for me. No, thank you. That takes too many variables into account.

I don't, yeah, I would rather just the one-on-one with somebody. I'd rather work at the holiday. If you are dealing with hair issues like thinning or shedding it but feel stuck on what to try, I get it. I've been there. There are so many products out there. I've tried different shampoos and I've tried different tropical stuff. And it's hard to know what's going to work. But this is not just hype.

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measurement tools like hair counts and pull tests, which I think is what I do to test my own hair. And I've had great sense. Leona does that too for you. He does test my hair all the time. She's like so thoughtful, you know what I mean? Yeah. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutraful.

For a limited time, Nutriful is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutraful.com and enter the promo code Beach2 Sandy. Find out why Nutraful is the best selling hair growth supplement brand at Nutraful.com, N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com, promo code Beach2 Sandy. Alex, I think, yeah, I have, I would like to touch on something that's really important to this podcast. And it's cruising, like the ship's version. Cruising is something we talk about a lot because we've never cruised. We haven't, but we've discovered cruisecritic.com. And on that website, there are a lot of cool cruisers who will discuss their experiences. And so when we learned about your nurse con crews at sea,

we were just fascinated. Fascinated. It's so fun. It's pretty nice. It's so fun. So I were coming up on our sixth year. I ran out a whole ship. We have like 3,500 nurses that come on board.

And we do continuing education and parties and theme nights. And we even bring on extra like DJs and dancers and drag queens. And we really amp it up. And our nurses. They come from all over the world. So we had nurses from 19 countries there. All different ages. Spouses can come to.

So even if you're not in health care. Oh, hell, yeah. And you don't even have to pretend like you're in health care. You don't got to buy an outfit from Spirit Halloween. Oh, man. But could I if I wanted to? Oh, they'd love that. I'm sure they love that.

We'd, like, break the record every year on, like, alcohol sales. Yes. Hell, yeah. Because these nurses are ready to love it and have fun. Yeah, they'd love. It's like, seriously, let off some damn steam. So honestly, the safest cruise ship. I bet you.

Period. I was curious because I read threads not about nurses on cruise ships because there were people who post on this forum and they'd say, oh, there was an article they shared that said that nurses on cruises have their cake and eat it too. And all the comments were like, no, we love going on cruises, but when we're nurses, we're working. we're working. It's not fun to be a nurse. So yours sounds a lot different. Sounds like it would be a lot more fun to be a lot more fun to be a nurse on that cruise. Ours is so much fun. And it's so funny because a lot of people don't know like like cruise ships. They have a whole like hospital. They have doctors and nurses. But when we do nurse con and see they don't have to do any work. Oh, I bet they're like loving it. I was curious about that. They get a little break because we care for each other.

You know, it's honestly like phaity packs and stuff. I'm sure you guys are. And also like you've seen it all, you're like, eh, just a flesh wound. It's fine. It's fine. Like a shark bite. It's relax. Please. Come on. Do it for the story. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. It's so great. Do you feel like if our normal, so we have these cool cruisers we read about and they're very, hmm, how do you say this. They're very, they just tend to have a lot of like neurotic feelings and thoughts about cruising and how to do it properly and all these things and how to be. I feel like they would not last one afternoon on on at nurse con at sea you have to be like super chill and want to have fun and let loose I definitely we definitely have going into our six one we have a program called frequent flyers so guests who keep coming back we call them frequent flyers which is the term we use in health care when the same patient keeps responding for the same thing frequent flyers I love that so about half our ship is like frequent flyers. flyer. So they always keep coming back. See, that's a good sign. So they have their own

little things and they have their own inside jokes and like things they plan on the cruise. So it's kind of like their own little club that I'm not even a part of. You're not even invited. Yeah, so they're kind of like the cruise group, but for specific to nurse kind of. And do you go on it?

You go on every cruise? Oh, yeah. I'm running it. So I'm busy. You're like on the ground. Yeah. Do you also perform on the cruise? I do. Oh my God. I'm I do. I thought about a multi-hyphenate. So it's fun.

Yeah. Yeah, we've joked about doing a cruise and every time Alexander says like, I will never do. Well, I've been like, hey, we could do a cruise and do a show on the cruise. And he's like, I'd rather die. Come do a show. Come do a show. I've just read so many cool cruisers. I'm afraid of them.

Yeah, they're really intimidating. I assume there's some that would accept. Maybe Sherry will bring me as her plus one to Nurse Con. No, come. Even though she's retiring next year or so maybe she is like one year left. They're the funny. Like we have retired nurses that come and they are the funny. Oh, she's a riot.

The people at my shows that have been in nursing longer, like the retired nurses, the season nurses, they have the most phone because they laugh at everything. Nothing can offend them. I was going to say they can't get phased anymore, right? They've seen it all. They've smelt it all. It's always the new nurses that are like, can we laugh at that? Oh, is that appropriate?

Yeah. Yeah, that's how I felt watching some of your, your, I was watching some of your, uh, your, I was watching some of your, uh, YouTube content. And I was like, I find it funny, but I'm like, am I allowed to laugh at that? I'm like, there's, you're talking about the, you got to show your license for your life. The fecal matter, like, all over the room. There's so many things that I'm like, it sounds very funny, but also like, oh my God. What do you deal with in there. It sounds terrible. If you don't laugh, you will. That's what Cherries and she said at Gallo's humor. Like, that's how we survive. Yeah. Yeah. I do have a post. I do have a post. A post. I do have a post. I. I. I. I. I on cruise critic.com titled Doctors and Nurses, Any Funny Cruise Stories? So someone by the name of Alexandra Cruiser said, the reason I ask is because my D.H, dear husband, is a surgeon and I'm a semi-retired R.N. Tingonged, I saw Blakes face. Okay. Have you heard this? This is part of the lore, which if you're in the cruise world, you've got to learn this stat. There's this jargon. Forum speak, this jargon they use and

And they write, and it took us a while to figure out what the hell is going on. But they write D.H, which is dear husband. D.D. is not designated driver. It's a dear daughter. D.S. is dear son. D.W. is dear wife. And they, like, say that all. That's so strange.

It is right. Okay. So I just want to give you that heads up in case you get some accidental cross over with the cool cruisers and the nurses. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My DH is a surgeon and I'm a semi-retired RN one day a week. It seems every time we travel, there's always something.

How about you? And then Bonnie had a little story to tell. What's she say? A matre d on a carnival ship had a heart attack on the Lido deck, and the ship detoured to the closest hospital. When he got there, he was told if it weren't for the care he got on the ship, he would be in a wheelchair or a pine box. Oh, good.

He never told his wife he had the attack and was going for his three-month checkup when we met him and was afraid to tell her. they lived in Orlando. He was afraid she wouldn't let him keep cruising, but she did. Well, she didn't know, I thought. I'm from Orlando. That's why I didn't tell her.

You are from Orlando. No way. Oh, you're like, I know these people. I know the type. Just don't even tell your wife you had a heart attack. Don't worry about it. Yeah, just continue your matriety job. Well, good news.

It says, well, we met him again a few weeks ago, and he is still a senior matri d for Carnival and is in good health. Oh, my God. Holy Lord. It's so funny. Yeah, my, my, my, D.F, my dear family, live in Orlando.

I'm surprised at the cruise, like, I'm surprised I didn't just air back him out as opposed, like, you know, he must have been on the way to a port or something. Like, I have questions, but I'm a nurse, so I always have questions. Oh, questions. Oh, for the story. I'm like, oh, no, I don't have any answers. I don't have any answers. I'm like, I couldn't tell you.

Welcome to our life. We, every time we read a review with like missing information it's like again red flag what is what are you not not this one particularly but like what are you not telling us there's something here and then there are a lot of times yeah there's a lot of lore and we we invent most of it to be fair yeah and most of it involves swinging though like upside down pineapples and that's a big like did that happen on your cruise so like here like someone made this for me because I love to read the cruise reviews I'm not a swinger but you know that's so that's hilarious very very cruisy um not on my cruise but um I'm I, yes.

You've heard, you've heard tell of these stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a whole thing. There aren't any, like, dirty utility closets on your cruise? Oh, no, not on a cruise ship. I know, everything's ship shape. Yeah. Let's see, Alexander.

I have a review of a hospital here that I thought we could run past you, Blake, and see what your thoughts are. This is a one-star review by Melissa. Just wanted to see a sick family member. and was spoken to rather rudely and told I could not visit. I was discriminated against for being young and dressed in all black. You'd think for a private hospital they would know what an Armani track suit looks like. Visiting hours were probably over. See, this is the fill in the blank information we need.

Right, like you probably, she probably looked like she was wearing scrubs, a black armandie track suit. They're like going to scrubs. Like, why are you? Fake nurse, fake nurse. Fake nurse. Stolen valor. stolen valor we're busy trying to save your family yeah i love that they're like do you not see the tag on this thing bethany it ain't about you bethany in your fucking track suit like get out of here

man but she wore her finest attire to visit her mom in the hospital no one cares no one cares she wore her fake scrubs no one at first i thought she was in mourning wearing all black right oh Funeral situation. Yeah. Oh. Oh, no, no. It's Armani. Yeah.

Sorry we were busy with patients, probably saving lives, you know. Sorry. We look so cute in your Armani. Oh, you get special VIP access. Greatment. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Yeah. Did you ever have like, are there like regular patients who did get any like VIP treatment

of sorts or? So it's actually really frustrating and this is like a huge point of contention. but a lot of the bigger hospitals in the city, especially the private ones, they will have like a special floor for VIP patients. Maybe it's like funders of the hospital, like people who donate. And it's so like we're supposed to treat everyone with the same amount of like respect and care. But the point that they have VIP rooms, it's bullshit. Yeah, my husband mentioned that.

And he worked in an ER in Los Angeles. And so I think he got like, because I was like, what's that? But yeah, he definitely experienced quite a bit of that. It's super frustrating. go christianne right that's where i wore my finest armani track suit and they didn't let me off the elevator they were like get back downstairs to the normal yeah i think it's wild it shouldn't be that way no way yeah it's like not surprising i'm just horrible i know i was pulling some reviews of hospitals and other countries and i was like oh this is just bumming me out because a lot of it is like just

can't be thankful enough for all the care and they came to my house and i have it's all free and i'm like oh Yeah, I know. It's horrible. Yeah, it's rough. I do also have a review here. Alexander, do you mind if I read this one just because I just read one? But it really does kind of go hand in hand with the VIP patients and stuff. And this is a review by Greg who seems to think that that's what's happening in this review. I feel like maybe it's not, but maybe you can give some insight.

Here we go. I waited in the waiting room for just over eight hours. Waiting room didn't even seem very crowded. We noticed staff taking back and giving preferential treatment to the regulars, whose staff apparently know by name and are there every day. I assume these are the frequent flyers. Yeah, okay, I'm learning, I'm learning. I overheard a nurse say a few times that several people checking in were nightly regulars

and then witnessing them rolling out the welcome mat. One man checked in was already his third time there that day. We notice the nurses call these regulars back for treatment before other patients like me who have been waiting for hours, but don't. don't go to the ER regularly. This did not go unnoticed by those of us listening and watching from our waiting room seats. Once taken back, I'm wheeled past staff at their desk with their feet up like they're hanging

out in a break room. I'm just going to give you a quick chance to interject while I scroll to the next. For sure. No, this is like the fact that you had time to write this review. Fair enough. You're not really that sick. Yeah, yeah. It's like how urgent is this really?

And I feel like they act like everyone wants to be there. Like everyone's having the best time. Oh, yeah. The regulars. They have a punch card. It's like, this is miserable, but they're all having the greatest time ever at this hospital in this emergency room. And I'm the only miserable one. It's actually a good thing.

You didn't get pulled back pretty quick. Fair enough. It ain't good for you, bro. They're not feeling really confident about whatever's going on with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, good point. Like, you should be glad no one's freaking out.

Right. Exactly. Oh, man. So you're going to love this. Let's see. I'm wheeled past staff at their desks with their feet. I imagine he's like taking notes on a little like no bad or like filming it or something. I'm wheeled past staff at their desk with their feet up like they're hanging out in a break room and I'm starting to see why everyone's weight here is so long. Okay. 30 minutes later, a doctor finally comes into my room while chewing food. Gross. After that right on cue, some woman with a computer comes in with an estimate asking for money. Send a bill like every

else, don't come and ask you for my credit card when I have no clothes on. Like, again, I don't know what you're up to, dude. Right. Well, the fact that the doctor came in first is actually because most of the time you see the finance person first. Oh, she reels herself in first. Yeah, yeah. Typically, you see, and they're from like with accounting services or, yeah, and they're, mostly you see that first before you see a doctor. That makes somehow that track. What's the relationship like between those those members of the hospital and like the nursing staff is there anything fine like they're doing their job right i mean from just like a health care advocate perspective i wish health care was affordable and free you know we shouldn't even be

having you know so you want them all to lose their jobs okay exactly exactly and that's your platform yeah exactly yeah it's crazy it's so expensive it's so it's awful it's all around just Like, you can't win. Yeah, I'm, I'm fortunate to be able to afford insurance, which is insanely expensive. And then on top of it, every procedure, anything I get is also insanely expensive. And like, I can afford it. You know, I can still get the care. And like, I can't imagine being somebody who like, like, how do you do that?

How do you? It just is seems impossible. And the nurses and doctors aren't getting it. Yeah, right. And you're parking. You're paying to park. Park. Paying to park.

Insane. Hey, but every now and then you do get like a nice mug with the hospital. hospital's logo on it and I think you should be really grateful for a pizza party candy bars maybe if you're lucky no they would never not even never a candy bar they don't even order pizza from the good place there's no toppings like it's just shit yeah my my mother-in-law speaking of sherry she got once like an individual like tea bag just like in a like a paper you get a lifesaver that says you're a lifesaver yes they do that's bad it's bad it's a bad it's a bad it's rough out there that's like the cringiest thing about it's rough out there how out of touch

to do so out of touch yeah some of the reviews were hilarious not reviews uh posts on redid of like the dumbest gifts people have gotten i came up with an idea we didn't end up doing it but i was like gonna make you guess if this was a gift from hospital like corporate or um a gift from a patient people were sharing like these are gifts and then it was like oh i got crown peach from a patient and then I got like a literal one Hershey kiss from I was like this actually pretty obvious I would have known like the patients you wouldn't get the mess gifts yeah the hospital like a handwritten card it's a patient yeah I would have got those for sure yeah that would have been too easy um okay so you know she has no clothes on and they want money from him um okay here we go once dressed I was moved to a hall bed where I waited and waited for the papers they said they would bring so I could go home and no one brought them I went over to ask when I could go only to see the nurses all huddled around sharing chips and salsa. They were laughing and doing crossword puzzles.

Well, I've been sitting right there waiting. I want to add that he included a photo of these people. Oh, no. I was going to ask if they were photos. I cut that out, but he did have the courtesy to blur their faces with a big marker. But like, it was basically them just like somebody had like wordle or something on their phone. Like they're trying to survive. Right.

And then psychologically trying to survive. Right. Yeah. Probably in the middle of the night. And having some chips in salsa. Yeah. Okay. There's signs. God forbid they eat a corn chip. Yeah, exactly. You have a coin chip. Okay. Yeah. It seems they run a rather sloppy ship in this emergency room. 10 hours after waiting, I was out of there with no real answers. I would go elsewhere next time. End of review. It's not going to sound much different elsewhere. I think that you went to the wrong place if you went to the emergency room. It seems like maybe that was not. Someone who went to the emergency room when he should not have gone to the emergency room. For swallowing a shocktart.

And was disappointed with what the result was. That was a very expensive cup of water. Very expensive. I was in eighth grade, so I didn't pay it. But I remember that's what cured me. I drank a cup of water and dissolved the shock tart. That's what I always say. Drink water, wash your hands, you're fine.

And then you'll live. Also, that was at the children's hospital. So at least they probably are like, oh, we've seen dumber things from school bus. children than like swallowing a piece of candy i don't know i hope that's probably fair i hope that's you're a survivor oh my god and he's always saying that it means a lot yeah yeah and she never agrees it's his whole personality it's his whole personality finally somebody sees it look if i i i saw death i look death in the eyes and i lived and it changes you every time a nurse clock Send to their short staff shift, we also see death.

Every single day. Relatable. I can relate. Relatable. I look at death right in the eye every day. As a podcaster, I face really similar struggles. Yeah. Getting out of bed is tough sometimes.

So hard. Yeah. Okay. Alexander, what do we have next year? This is my most exciting bit. This is the best part of the show. We came up with this. We watched your interview with Dr. Mike.

Oh, yeah. We were having so much fun watching that and taking little notes like, oh, my God, what should we ask? And we came up with a fun. We were also high and then forgot that we watched it until later and we're like, wait, we wrote notes. And then we looked at our notes and we were like, wow, we were so proactive three weeks ago. Yeah. And like, and this is, this was so fun because you didn't make a comment on there. And the comment was that you can tell what type of specialty a nurse is just by looking at them or learning their personality. So we have a little game for you.

Fun. So our company is called Schiefer Madness LLC. So I've named that because that's our last name and Reefer Madness. People don't seem to get it and that's okay. I'll get over it eventually. I barely get it. I barely get it. But we came up with Schiefer Madlibs and this is where you have to guess what department this nurse works in.

And I'm, so I scrubbed out the identifying department. and we can either play on hard mode where you can just try and guess like straight off or I can give you like multiple choice. We'll try hard mode first. Okay, all right, let's see what we do. And these are different departments within the hospital typically.

The blank, sorry, let me say that. The blank nurse lied about having no sandwiches. Oh, so this is a specialty. This is a specialty. What would this be a ER nurse? that's what my husband guessed as well close it was the triage nurse okay um which is so ear which is er so it's going to be a lot of like sure yeah okay fine hyper specific but why do you guess that i have just curious because here because that's where people would mostly ask for sandwiches

that's where you're going to that's the that's like where you're typically hungry you're waiting 10 hours you know while the nurses are eating chips and salsa exactly and you just want Oh, my God. Okay, here's a different. Oh, yeah, Zandi. Here's one. Okay, this one. The blank nurse yelled at me and forced me to eat.

Oh, this probably, I would say, med surge. It's a psych nurse. Oh, that's good too. That's good. That's good. I figure they will all kind of have cross-up. Mostly the psych nurses and making sure you take your meds. Yeah.

Take your meds. There was a lot of like they made me do this. And then I'm like, yeah, well, that's probably their job. It is their job. As someone who needs that sometime, I'm like, yeah. As a psych patient. Yeah, there you go. Exactly.

I got my appointment a few hours. So I'll see what my psychiatrist says to say. Well, she might yell at you and force you to eat. Hey, someone's got to. Someone's got to force you to take your meds. And it's usually me, but I'm not there today. Okay, let's see. The blank nurses,

walk around looking busy doing nothing. Unless you are dying or dead, they will not attend to you. I see you. ER, but you, I mean, it just said ER generally. I don't know the difference between them all, but yes, ICU is definitely. I see you too. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. We complained to the blank nurse who said she heard us yet didn't do a damn thing. Would that be med-surge? It would be a charge. A charge nurse. Oh, a charge. They don't do nothing. Yeah, funny.

More like a role for sure. It's so funny. It was like, oh, she listened to us kindly and then did nothing. And I'm like, well, what is she supposed to fucking do? Well, what's so funny is like charge nurses, like on top of like being in charge of the unit, they will also have their own patients. Like, people don't get it. We are so short staff. So when patients complain, like, we're waiting 10 hours, we get it.

Like, we're waiting to. Like, please. Like, we should all be working together. to get these politicians to help us all out because it's crazy to even think it's like a group of people in one hospital that's causing the big wait time of a leader in general a nurse can't say anything because then they'll write a review about how unprofessional the staff is complaining about their they should be lucky they have a job or some bullshit like oh yeah like let's work together yeah please same team please when my sister asked the blank nurse to raise her bed he inhaled as though

he was being bothered. Ooh, a blank nurse. Give me a few clues. Okay, so here are your A, B, C, B, C, B, C, B, C, B, Cic nurse, or D, charge nurse. Oh, wait, I forgot one of them. E, I see you nurse. Ah, I see you nurse. I'm sorry.

She said four without saying the one that it was. I love that. That's so funny. I see a nurse. Yeah. That's so funny. I used to work in the ICU so I could relate.

Oh, okay. Good. Oh, good. So you very much. Yeah. Yeah, you had a lot of inhales. Don't blame me. A lot of skipping around like a fairy.

Oh, yeah. I've heard about that. Yeah. Your reputation precedes you. I know. You guys are so cute. I love this whole. Thank you.

I feel like some of you. I wish I had a sister. Now, my brother probably thinks he has a sister. You know. A little fairy. You know what I mean? Yeah, probably. I wonder if he says that.

I have a sister. No, we grew up very, in a very contentious environment and very, very, some might say, not healthy and supportive and nurturing, but now as adults, we're very, very close. Trauma bonded. Trauma bonded. So me and my brother are also, were no contact with our parents. And we are so close. He's actually on tour with me right now for 14 weeks.

Wait, Alexander and I are on tour right now. This is so crazy. I'm so wild. So much. Oh, I love that your brother is on tour with you. That's so great. Straight brother Grant. I love that.

Grant with the most straight name. I know, yeah, he's great. I love my brother. He's so awesome. I'm sure he loves his sister too. Yeah, I'm sure he does. I know. Are you older or young?

The lazy older sister. Yeah, I'm older. He's like six years younger. Yeah. He's six years younger. He's got two girls, six and seven. So he's definitely dad mode. Oh, yeah.

So on tour, he does everything for me. He makes me custom Halloween costumes for social media. Cute. He did my laundry, run my show. Like, yeah, he's awesome. Alexander, I have a lot of ass of you. Thank you. Don't forget.

We have a little sister. She might live in Germany, but maybe she needs to get on our tour and start making us Halloween costumes. Yeah, wait a minute. She could do our laundry. She could do something. She could do something. Could she do our laundry? No, I don't trust her to do my laundry. She's like 20 years old. Yeah, we'll find so whatever. We'll find, we'll ask Blake's brother to do it.

Brother. That's time. Grant. From my laundering. The blank nurse told him off for coming in. And he felt like a scolded child. Let's see. Your options are ER, triage, psych, or ICU. Uh, that's either ER or triage. Triage. Triage. Um, outstanding blank nurse guided me through difficult moments with patience and clarity.

Your options are ER, psych, triage, or charge nurse. Oh, let's say give that to the charge nurse. That one's a psych nurse. Oh, they're also really great. I felt I had to throw that in because a lot of them were just like, I punch her in the face and then she sued me. And I was like, yeah. Hello. Hello, bro. Literally, like, nurses get hit all the time.

It's horrifying. It's, and we have, like, no protection. Like, you hit us, we should be able to press charges. Like, I'm sorry. Like, I'm actually not sorry. Because you should. So many other jobs were absolutely if you hit someone. Assault is assault. You shouldn't be able to do that anywhere.

But the fact that nurses don't get protections, like, especially in such a. This one guy was like, I didn't save that review, but it was like, oh, I should, well, shouldn't you expect that? if you work in a psych department? And I was like, expect. What is that going to do for you? If you know someone's going to punch you in a face, it's like it helped to expect it. Yeah.

Anyway, rough times. I have this next one. When my blank nurse heard I was being admitted, he walked away shaking his head. Oh. This is going to be either ER triage psych. Is it psych? It is ER.

You are. YAR. He didn't want you to be a nurse. That was probably not, that was me. They're like, this kid has a fucking. Okay, can we tell you the most embarrassing part? Like, I've been, I've been holding this back. Yeah.

Hold, I said it out. The most embarrassing part is that we went to this like really, we went to this like private Catholic school. It is just its own, its own form of, you know, terror. But, well, he was at the hospital. They sent the headmaster of the school to, like, So I was lying in the hospital bed. First of all, my best friends, their parents were both doctors at this hospital. So they both came by to see me, which was both comforting and, like, very embarrassing.

Deeply embarrassing. And because I think at that point, it was pretty much mostly dissolved this shocked heart in my throat. And they said, oh, the headmaster is coming to see you. And I'm like, why? And they're like, just wants to check in on you. So embarrassing. A little bit later, I think the headmaster found out that the whole thing dissolved and he turned around. They were like, yeah, he could go back to his golf, his golf match, yeah.

He didn't wear Armani suit. Oh my God, they didn't let him in. They didn't let him in. Sorry, this is for VIPs only. Yeah, no. The next day they made an announcement saying that kids shouldn't be eating candy on the bus. I was so, and my whole class looked at me. And everyone in my class looked at me.

And I was like, I know, he's an idiot. It's an ick. It's an ick. It's an ick. Oh, my God. So I've left. So true. Wow.

How poignant. I haven't done it since. Thank God. Thank God. I mean, serious. Shock tarts don't exist anymore, but that's, okay. They don't. That's probably why.

Anyway, here's the last one. Can I just do one more, Zany? Yeah. This one says the blank nurse didn't introduce themselves and just barked instructions. That one's triage. See, I'm just making this too hard. No, you're not. But also, like, everyone should be, I don't know.

I feel like they do fit. These are, okay, these might be more fun. These are bonus ones that are not any of the departments we've mentioned. Alexander, do you want to do the first one of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And these are also more, uh, more positive. Huge. The blank nurse held my dad's hand and explained things slowly instead of rushing.

Aw, that's either like, that gets giving, like, like ICU. It's giving hospice. It's giving like comfort care. Oncology. Sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's so nice to hear. I think we haven't had to be much experience in that field. But yeah, I imagine. And then this is the last one, which I figured is the only one that would be getting these kinds of reviews. The blank nurse brought me a snack and let me walk around and be comfortable. This is a very specific, you're only, oops, you're only encountering this nurse. Oh, is this one like labor and delivery or something?

Yes, of course, labor and delivery. There were so many that were like, the psych nurse made me, made me drink water. And then it was like, the labor and delivery nurse, like, held my hand and poured water into my mouth and like, wipe me with the wash glove. Ice machine working, I bet. Oh, everything working. Everything working. Everything working.

Everything working. Yeah, yeah, it's a delight. Well, thank you for playing our multiple choice game for Madlibs. I love it. I'll consider, what else? I think we have a couple reviews to read. Yeah, sure. Like positives to like.

Oh, they're redemptions. They're redemptions. Yeah. We have, sometimes we read redemptions to lighten the mood a bit. Because a lot of times we get some really depressing things. But here's what Marty has to say. It's a one-star review. but it's a positive.

It's a hospital. What are you looking at reviews for? Are you thinking of having an accident and wondering where to get your spinal fracture pinned and plastered? Stop reading reviews for public services and go raise some money for a good cause or visit your nan or something.

The cafeteria is quite good. Did it, Marty? I also, my grandmother, I call her nan. You do? Marty, five out of five. Five stars, Marty. Yeah, Marty gets the vibe. He's like, get out of here.

Get a hobby, you know? And that's how I feel a lot of times with these reviews. I'm like, I'm like, a hobby, dude. I've never really wrote. I don't think I've ever wrote a review. You've never written one at all. No. No, I will get, sorry, I will give like stars, but I don't write out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never wrote a review except for when like a nail salon was like, you get 15% off if you write a whole review. Oh, for sure. Yeah, unless did they like really ask. we're new a small business you know but like most of the time like i'm too busy for what i know i know

yeah to bitch you have other outlets to bitch some people don't some people just get on yelp and they're like this is where i vent it's their only place for it unfortunately i guess i'm a comedian so i just vent on stage well yeah that's we've found that's a great outlet you just kind of like turn it into content maybe these one-star reviewers would make great comedians i mean honestly they're working for us now you I mean, we can have a whole show complaining about people complaining. So, like, we're not really helping anything. We're just, like, taking it and making content out of it. We're transmuting it as a word I would use.

Did your therapist tell you that? Were you feeling down about what you do? I may have tried GPTed some synonyms, synonyms. We'll see. It's just to be like how. I'm transmuting the energy, you know what I'm saying? Listen, I'm on a very woo-woo path. right now so I say saying me too

you're transmuting good you're all doing great oh my god I know I'll send you my UFO picture later y'all I took a few on the tour vest I took a few melatonin gummies yes and I don't I don't drink anymore I don't use substances

but I stayed up on my melatonin gummies and in the morning I realized I had booked myself a 30 day Kung Fu retreat in China oh so i call grant and i'm like breakfast right now we have the meeting and i was like i'm going to china for 30 days i think you know nine hundred dollars for lodging and three meals a day i hey as a i'm a true crime podcaster on my other show and i beg a beautiful make sure have grant look over the

paperwork have grant take a look at all the legal jargon because i just want to make sure this is legit i know it's so i was like do you do kung fu or no oh my god what's happening something's happening something you know i'm gonna find myself yeah good for you i'm gonna go off the grid yeah you guys sometimes it's nice i went to egypt for two weeks um i didn't i probably also booked that when i was high but i knew i was going to do that so you know i guess i'm one step above you. But yeah, I went to Egypt and I was like, I'm, I'm a change person. Now it's like basically all I talk about. So you're going to have a great time. I do last minute shit all the time. Sounds like I need to go somewhere. What the heck? I mean, listen, I'm telling you. Everyone's

having a great adventures. When are you going to China about? Well, you know what? I'm having to figure out the dates because I thought I was going to go in January, but I do have a few shows in Vegas in January. So it'll probably be February. Where in Vegas are you performing? You know, I'd Um, I can't remember. It's far away. I don't know where we're performing anywhere months and events. So I don't know. It's so fun touring, no.

That's so awesome. Is it fun? You like doing it? Yeah, we just wrapped up our tour, uh, two days ago in New York. That's awesome. That's so fun. It was super fun. It was super fun.

I love that. Um, so okay, we have, I guess one last review. This is just kind of a nurse redemption. Yeah. It's a two star view by Phil. Two star. We'll take it. Two stars.

Yes, and you'll see the reason for the second start. I went in for an appendectomy and also had my belly button and wallet stolen. The nurses were kind, which results in two stars. The belly button stolen? I mean, I don't know. I talked to my... Is this a toddler who's, like, confused about something? Like, got your nose.

Oh. Your belly button. Got your belly button. I don't have a toddler. I don't know. I thought it was like, you know, he got a funky scar or something in there. And he's like, oh, they messed up. my belly button but then my husband was like I don't think that's anything and I was like you're

probably so I don't you asked him though I was like can you steal a belly button and he's like please go please go to bed if they do that do they do belly button transplants because I really don't like mine is yours an outy I would no it's not but I also I would also get a nipple transplant too that was interesting I feel like that's like low I mean not anything is low risk or low whatever but it's like less invasive maybe right what do I is that where you're really going to your confu retreat.

I'm going to get a new nipples. Yeah, you're going to oh my god, everyone on the cruise is going to

be like, wait a minute. You should just like swap him around. He looks different. Belly buttons up here, nipple down there. No,

Alexander, that's so dark. He looks so great. That's too far. He looks so different. I love it. Yeah, that's too far. I was too far.

Yeah, I'll reel back. I'm sorry. Um, okay, well, we are so honored that you,

um, came and joined us. This actually, we have to tell you now, you were our first ever guest on the podcast. Yay. And we didn't want to say that in the beginning. So you didn't want to like set this up as like, oh, we're strapped.

We don't know what we're doing. But we're so honored that you were. We were fun in my mind. I'm just like so excited to be here. I know. Like it's just so great to have you. We've never done guests. And then our new network was like, oh, like we are in touch with Nurse

Blake. And we were like, what? I love that. That's awesome. Well, thanks so much for having. I feel honored until Sherry. I said, hello. Oh, she'll hear from you.

don't worry she'll hear from you through this episode um thank you so much for having any anything else anywhere people can find you online and all that good stuff find me anywhere most importantly rate your nurse's five stars thank you that's right and treat them with some respect please thank you yeah do more than the bare minimum people yeah like honestly like we want more than our money okay like thank you better Gucci yeah if you have an extra armani sweatsuit laying around maybe give that to your local nurse that would be great we sure she'd get a lot of use out of that we would take it no thank you all so much for having me all right thank you for being here this was fun worse

hi everybody I hope you really loved what just happened we were talking to good old nurse Blake and had an amazing time that was so much fun yes thank you for listening listening to that, we had a wonderful time. And as promised, the second half of our episode is just going to be the two psychic siblings getting more reviews in your ears. I mean, because people have been asking for between you and us. And we have so many between you and us. And our patrons are still sending in more. And I figured why not just do this at the end of guest episodes, maybe not all of them, but at least the first couple, see what people think. And yeah, and if you don't know, between you and us is when we read reviews that people sent us about whatever topics. Because sometimes we don't have topics that cover these weird things. So, yeah. You want to read something?

Sure. Here's a good example. This is a review sent in by Arellah. And it says, rate my professor review of my crazy grandma's crazy twin. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. So, Ariela says, listening to the community college episode reminded me of my grandma's identical twin sisters, rate my professor page. She has a 1.7 and is now retired. Wow, 1.7. I'm, Jesus.

Most of the reviews are relatively accurate, although Aunt Fran is not dumb. She just lives on a different planet. And she said, my grandma is the nice twin. Okay, so here's a review. of this lovely professor, now retired, who is Aurella's, I guess, grandmother's twin sister. So, great on? So specific. Isn't that wild? Yeah, this is weird. Okay, here is the review.

I love English, and I'm fairly forgiving, but she was absolutely the worst teacher I've ever had. Calling her a sadist would be an insult to sadist. She's cruel, sarcastic, and not very bright. She told the class she has a twin. I suspect that was to deter her students from throwing things at her when they see her on State Street and ever be.

Imagine being the nice twid of getting pelted with objects on the main street. Well, I have a feeling this twin knows why that would be happening. Yeah, I guess so. It's probably been happening their whole lives. Yeah, they probably like pick their colors

early on to be like, no, I'm the purple twin. Please don't throw shit at me. A purple twin. Yeah, 1.7 stars is pretty rough. That is. Is there a chili pepper at least? There's not a chili pepper. What?

I bet you thought. This is 34 ratings, 18 or one-star reviews. Oh my God. That's pretty bad. But it sounds like... Does it say what kind of teacher? English. Oh, you said that though.

Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, I thought I don't have to deal with teachers anymore. Like being a student anymore is what I mean. Sorry teachers. Yeah, what the hell. Most of you were lovely. Okay, anyway, here's something that...

And most of you are hot. That's what Augsena always says. Chili pepper for all of you. Who isn't hot? Come on. Who isn't? Amen. This one was sent in by Mari.

She they? This is a one-star review of a barbershop. Here we go. Worst experience ever. The guy cut my hair like he cut lizard's hair. After coming home, I have to go to another barber, barber, and try. him at all. No shape, no style, just random cut he gave me, which looked like lizard. Never, ever going back again. And he charged $40 for that. End of review. I thought they met like some

rock star or something named lizard. I know. I mean, I was like, thin Lizzy. Like, I was like, I don't understand who they're trying to reference. Like, who's lizard? Maybe it's like, I think they look like a lizard. I thought maybe it was like a guy from pawn stars. Doesn't that feel like the guy, like it would be the name of somebody from a show like on antsy? I mean, there's like what chum Lee or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lizard is like someone who lives in the woods. To truck.

True. Right? Yeah, wait. Who's the tow truck guy? Lizards towing. I don't know. That was a thing, right? I don't know.

I feel like I'm making it up, but I also feel like it's for sure a real thing. Anyway, when I think of, like, bad haircuts, I tend not to think of reptiles. I mean, lizard lick towing. Oh, my God. Lizard lict towing. I'm so out of my mind. I'm over here going, wow, I have. the best idea ever, guys. Let's call it. And by the way, like, I mean, I was pretty spot on

when I said, doesn't it? It's on true TV, but same difference. I feel pretty confident about that assessment. Yeah. I feel like a reptile is not usually the sort of a one-to-one comparison, if that makes sense. Do you know? Yeah, for a bad haircut. For any, for most like, for any haircut or like. Any hair related things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. It's very good. Okay, let's see. What do I have next? I have this review. I'm slightly worried that I've read some of these before. I don't think I have. I think I've archived the ones I've read, but some of them might be repeats by accident. This is a review sitting by Amelia Sheher, who says, my boss is completely unhinged and likes to get drunk on Fernée Branca

and respond to bad reviews. This is one from when the restaurant first opened before I worked there. Okay, so here's a review. I'm not going to name the restaurant. It's a one-star review by Diana with an owner response. Monumental failure. Weight staff with B.O. that burned my eyes. Oh. If you order over easy eggs, they do not anticipate that you will perhaps need salt and pepper. Order a biscuit and they do not anticipate the need for butter. No alcohol available. Greatest bacon I ever ate. But who cares? Really, people. Get the basics down first. No mystery why we were two of only five customers. This place totally sucked. End of review. Uh-oh. Here we go. Here's the response from business owner. Hi, Diana.

Hi, Diana. We knew it was you from the moment you walked in. The sour look on your face was unmistakable. Several of us began to snicker because we couldn't wait to read your Yelp review that we knew was coming. Your reputation of giving the city's fine establishment a one-star review has preceded you. We knew we had made it to the big time when you walked in the door. Yelp's most celebrated loser had come in to give us a one-star review. We did find one thing particularly amusing. All of our staff noticed it was you that had the body odor.

Matter of fact, several of our customers mentioned when you left that you smelled like you had been rolling around in a litter box after eating its contents. Oh no. Anyway, keep up the good work. I know anytime you give an establishment a one-star review that they are. are on the top of their game. End of response. Nice.

Yeah, you have read that one. I think I have. Yeah. Especially because of how vivid, the litter box, the rolling in a litter box after you ate its context, our contents is insane.

I think last time we were all very distraught about that. That's insane. Yeah. So I'm glad we get to feel distraught all over. I've recovered a little bit, but I still had the same kind of. And then you brought us right back now. You're welcome. Great.

Okay. Thank you. Well, my next one was from. Fern, she her, who sent in a review of a saddle stool, dental hygienist chair with back support, rolling aesthetician saddle stool. It's one of those stools. And it has like a little, like a, it looks like a saddle. So it has that like curve in the front.

But you see it at like dentists, tattoo parlor, things like that. Anyway, wheels. One star review. Do not buy if you have balls. My girlfriend loves this chair. She can sit in it for hours with me. No problems. I can't make it more than five minutes without serious discomfort in my jewel area.

Stick to this chair only if you watch The Bachelorette and have trouble deciding where to go out to eat. What? Here, let me throw a dig in while I'm already pissed off that this is a sexist chair. People with no balls, am I right? Amen. As someone who, I guess I'm not that active anymore, but I used to, I've watched multiple seasons of The Bachelorette.

I also have trouble deciding where it to go. So maybe I should get this stool. Also, I don't get it. Like, it's like the same with like man spreading. It's not necessary. It's not like, sometimes it helps with the comfort. But come on. What do you talk about?

These people are like, oh, your balls. It's going to hurt. It's like you just don't know how to sit. Like being an adult. There's a way to say that it. Right. Stop being a child. Just sit down.

Are they tucked under your butt? Like, what do you think like what do you think of women? I mean, whatever, it doesn't matter. Obviously, I know what you think about women. So I'm not even going to go there. not you, the review. I mean, I guess he just said people without balls, so I shouldn't be so. Yeah, that's on you.

Here's another review. I'm a little worried. I'm worried I've read this again, too, but I don't know. Okay. This is a one-star review of Central Park Hotel, and it's once every by Liz with an owner response again. I will never go to this place again. It was absolutely insane.

Waiter said something really rude, and the whole time, tried to make up for it. And the food, Mad Me, blow up the toilet. End of review. I know. Mad me. Mad me. Mad me blew up the toilet.

Like, Jekylline Hyde. It wasn't me. T'was the mad version. It was the mad. It was the mad. It was the mad. Toil up said toilet. Dear Liz, first, thank you for choosing to dine with us this evening.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy time, pun intended. On the bright side, your server must have some type of conscience if they tried to make up for their apparent root. It gives me hope that we employ good people who aren't rude the whole time, just sometimes. In the spirit of... I feel like in New York. That one sounds familiar. Like that line, I'm like, wait.

Probably. Yeah. In the spirit of understanding, I would love for you to elaborate on what made our place so insane. I feel insane in this place many days as a cook slash server slash dishwasher slash manager slash owner. So I'm not doubting you, but I am curious to hear what made you feel insane as a patron. Now for the good stuff. What did you have for dinner that led to the mad toilet explosion? Who was your server?

If you're going to drop the one-star review, at least give us the dirty deeds. End of review. So true. So true. I would love to know. That's how I feel. What made your bowels go mad? Oh, no.

I'd more like to know what the rude thing that was said was. I just kind of wrote that off immediately because it's always something not actually rude. Oh, I see. It's always like they didn't say hello properly. Yeah, but that's fun because then it's like he tried to make up for it the rest of the dinner. So I imagine he's like, hello. You know, he's like trying to make up for it. Like, because I would love to see what they're claiming he was trying to like.

Brought the water too late and then like, or said made a comment about the water. So then it was like they just were constantly there refilling the water. Yeah, something. Something. You know. They tried. It sounds like. Maybe your drink was two weeks.

So they like quadrupled the liquor in it. There goes a toilet. There goes that mad toilet explode. I have one here. This from Brooke. And this is a four star review. of the built hard, B-I-L-T, hard, 3,900 CFM, high-velocity pedestal oscillating fan. Oh, so it's a standing fan, heavy duty.

Yeah, I can tell. For sure. Built four tough. Yep, here we go. Four-star review by Nick. Built hard or hardly built? Just kidding. But seriously, I was all ready to come slap.

down this review and generously give them one star. I was so not happy during the setup phase. Were there problems with the instruction manual? You tell me. The build process. Here's a sampling from the manual. Step 6. Remember the knob.

Retightened the he-knob. He-knob-she-nob. Are there really only two knob genders? Step 8. Make sure the assembly hole at the bottom. At the bottom what? Someone has verbophobia.

It literally just says, make sure the assembly hole at the bottom, period. Oh, that's it. Okay, okay. That wasn't clear, yeah. See, I see. And then they were like, at the bottom what? Someone has verbophobia.

Okay, aside from the poor grammar, the instructions are not intuitive. They give you a parts list, but don't tell you where those parts are. The screws for the motor, already inside the motor, where you have to screw them out yourself, then screw them back in.

A screw for the base of the cover, taped to the manual. Seriously, it was in a tiny bag you taped to the front. I only found this after I was finished putting it together. Would have been nice to know while building it. You honestly get the impression that all of the fasteners are missing when you start building this because they're not to be seen. They just like to play a game of hide-and-seek with you and hope you can find them. I actually came back to the listing and did a search to see if others had the same issue.

Final result? Holy cow. And I mean, holy cow, this thing blows in it, blows hard. I currently have it about seven to eight feet away and on the lowest setting. And you can see my very short hair blowing around. He's probably like like saying all this through the fan. I hope so. I should have done that.

Yeah. It feels freaking beautiful. So yeah. Once you get past the build process, and I mean build, you literally have to build this fan nearly from scratch. You have to unbuild it first. and then rebuild it, which is like more infuriating than anything else. That's a very good point, yeah. It is extremely rewarding.

At the lowest setting, it's very quiet, but still puts out a ton of air. At its higher settings, you get a nice metallic hum. This sound really reminds me of being a child and staying at my grandma's house watching cartoons in the summer. Oh. You want a relaxing sound to put you to sleep, turn this puppy on medium or high and let it sing you a sweet metallic lullaby. I got to admit, I love this fan.

End of review. Wow. And I imagine 7 to 8, level 7 to 8 out of 10, I assume. That's pretty high, sounds like. Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah. Nice.

I'm not kidding. I was reading this. I'm like, if I didn't have to put it together, I would want this fan. I actually do. I was sitting here going, it would be really nice to have a little breeze. Feels lovely. Maybe I'll send it to your house so you can build me, build me a fan. Um, this is from Julia, she, he, they.

It says, uh, I was planning on holding off sending reviews until I'm caught up, um, but this one needed to be sent your way. I got an Instagram ad today for this giant crab statue. Have I read this yet? Okay. This is the first thing you're saying that doesn't sound familiar. Giant crab statue. Okay.

See, this is why I'm getting thrown because like I, I don't know if like maybe multiple people sent some of these in because... Whatever. Okay. He's usually I archive them. But anyway, here, I don't think I've read this one. Did you archive those two you just read? Just now. I did. Yeah. Oh, thank God. Yeah, I did. That's what I'm like, okay.

Yeah. So this is a review of colossal crustacean grand scale giant king crab statue. Holy shit. That is not familiar to me at all. From the toes sky. It's so familiar to me too, because I've, to me, though, because I've, like, open this a million times going through my folder. Alexander, it is from the Toscano grand scale deeps sea wildlife collection. There's a collection of these. I guess.

How, okay, so on its side, if it were standing up, so it's a crab, so it's on the ground flat. But if it were positioned vertically, how many inches would you say, would you guess? So it's a giant? Colossal, actually. crustacean grand like four feet 48 inches um crazy 74 and a half inches

holy shit that's crazy this is the funniest thing that ever happened to me i'm sending you a picture what six foot two uh yeah don't worry they have a picture of the average height holy shit of a human oh my god what is what what do you need this for it's so expensive How much is it? Tell the people. This thing is $1,653. Oh, actually right now, it's $14.99 on sale. Wow.

$1,499. Oh, but yeah, if you buy it somewhere else. Oh, I see. I see. I was reading the Walmart price. Oh, I see. The Walmart price. Okay.

Oh, and Christina, you know, I've got, this is just terrifying. I don't get it. Yeah. Is it soft? Is it a statue? So is it just like, do you know the material? Great question.

I mean, who sent this in? This was from Julia. Yeah, Julia, um, don't you love that they also bought this, right? Do you like that they also have different sizes? Like they have one that's 74 and a half inches wide and they have one that's 34 inches wide. Yeah, but it's sold out because that one's so popular apparently. I guess. It is a lot less expensive.

It's only $4.43. Wait, can we talk about how that picture where it's by the pool and there's like an actual woman in the pool who's like unsuspecting her with her hat on turned away. Oh. She doesn't know this giant crustacean's about to slide to the pool. She is in for a rude awakening. I mean, a root of sleepinging, I think. Sleeping with the crabbies.

With the crabs. Here's a five-star review of this colossal crustacean grand scale giant king crab statue, 74 and a half inches. Best birthday gift. I got this as a birthday present for myself. I enjoy it very much. I was like, who gives this as a gift? What the fuck is this?

I was like, that's the only way someone should be buying this. But it's for themselves. I love that. I love that. February 2021. So I think we were all a little slab happy for whatever was happening the year before. I don't know if happy is the right word, but yeah. Slav happy usually doesn't imply to me.

It implies to me that you're kind of crashing to the ground, like more crashing and burning style. I suppose. To me, I don't know. There's a little, there's still, like, I enjoy being slap happy. That's true. Yeah. Well, I enjoy buying myself giant birthday presents too. I don't think that's a good point. Yeah, I don't know. Best birthday gift, Smiling Face. I got this as a birthday present for myself. I enjoy it very much. It scares my friends a lot. I would recommend this to all my family and friend. It fits all of my table decorations such as my. Just say and friend. It does say and friend. Well, maybe only one friend.

It scared all the other friends off. Right. The other one was like. Yeah, it scared the rest off. The other one like stayed after the party and was like, hey, I just like. I can't be seen with you anymore. Oh, I thought I was going to be like, I want to talk about that crap. Where do I get one for myself?

Oh, I was seeing the friend who left who was like, I'm no longer your friend. Oh, you mean there was only one friend that stayed behind? Well, yeah, because it says friends were scared. by it and then said I'd recommend it to my friend. The one left is the only one left. Yeah, so the rest got scared off. I know. And the other one was like, I want one for me.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cool. It fits all of my table decorations, such as my pet spider crab named Bob. No. You put a pet crab on your crab statue? He is very happy with the table as well.

Is it a table? What is this? Yeah, you're supposed to put things on it. This is a table. He is very happy with the table as well. Always wants to hold the table's hand. Such a cutie. End of review.

What the fuck? Your crab is holding the hand of this fucking huge giant. He thinks it's his mommy. This is my leader. No, it's a fucking monstrous crab. He thinks it's his mommy. Uh-uh. Oh.

That's not what that means. He's pledging allegiance to the alpha crab. Someone asked to. Oh my God. They sell these Tuscana, whatever things on Wayfair. Are there other ones? There's a whole fucking, like, cow. There's everything.

It's not just underwater. There's statues. There's a Komodo dragon statue. Oh, that's cool. That fits me. They're actually two different Komoto Dragon statues. statues. Wow. I'm going to be done looking at this. What a weird thing. I have one more. This was sent in by Emily, and I know we are recording this in time for this review, but hopefully everyone had already had their lovely Halloweens and had a great weekend and everything.

But I do have a review here of Crazy Bones, Pose and Stay Life Size 5-foot skeleton. with realistic, poseable, and movable joints for Halloween indoor and outdoor. Crazy bones. I think I have that guy. Yeah. I think so. Crazy bones. Yeah, it's very popular, it seems.

Well, the kids, the high schoolers keep stealing him. So I had to buy like two or three of them. Well, I hope this isn't what happened to you or will happen. I don't know. Or to these kids. Five stars. Or that crustacean, their colossal crustaceans going to. have a message for them.

I really hope so. I would love to see that battle. Well, I really want to set up like a little trap, and I don't mean like a bad trap. Like a booby trap? I mean like a booby trap, but basically it just yells like,

stop stealing my shit. Yeah. And so what I'm thinking is like, no, Alexander, what I'm thinking is I can, why does everyone say that? What I'm thinking is I can.

He put a giant cleaver in the fucking crab's hand. I mean, It was just more chopped than a staff. So no mind. The neighbors have zombies. What of it? Yeah, after you killed him and then I came back to life. Alexander, what I'm saying is maybe I could get a giant crab and it'll like fall down.

Jesus. As someone who's had a large thing fall on him as a child. In my presence. I'm not interested in this. Are you starting to question everything? Let's just say I know how to get this done. As a victim myself, I know how to turn the tables. Okay.

Yeah. Look how much of a better person I made you. Sure. Here's a five-star review of Crazy Bones. He ruined my marriage. Boney, as I like to call him, came neatly packaged in a nice cardboard box prominently tagged with a description stating he was fully poseable. I bought Boney to hang in my garage, aka Man Cave, because I thought it would be cool to have him hanging around with me and the boys. Well, I thought it would be a shame to waste him solely on the garage, so I decided to introduce Boney to my wife.

Bad mistake. 20 years has taught me nada. Zip, Zilch, zero, nothing about marriage or maturity. Boney had been sitting in his box in the garage, hidden behind my other unattended projects. No one besides me knew he had moved in. Boney, a good five or so feet tall and fully poseable, needed to visit our living quarters. I decided that Boney shouldn't be forced to just stand around waiting for people to arrive home

so Boney found his way into the pocket water closet in our master bathroom. He looked so nice just sitting there on the commode like he was relieved. I figured my wife would come home, open the slide door, see good old Boney just sitting there and we'd all have a good laugh. No! She came home late and used another bathroom before coming to bed.

No, this is all just a... Never opened the pocket slide door. Just went into the master bath, freshened up, did her teeth, and then went to bed. Oh, no. Silent night, holy night, till approximately 4.30 a.m. At which point, a shrill sound that not even the most dedicated horror movie fanatic has ever heard emanated from the bathroom. At first, I was bewildered. A heavy sleeper, am I?

You don't have the right to be bewildered. Okay. It's like me when I do something stupid and then I'm like, I should fix that before Blaze gets home. And then I don't. And then I'm, and then I just feel like a dummy. And you're like, what? What? I totally meant.

And then I'm like, I was asleep. And it's like, that's not an excuse. And I think this guy's about to say I was asleep. That's usually how it goes with me too. Yeah. Well, you're projecting. That's all I'm going to say. Then I was reminded, shocked into recalling what was at the root of the insidious noises

projecting from the torture chamber that once was in my bathroom. Boney never lost his cool. But he did lose his head. head, one leg, and several ribs. I too suffered loss, as the promise of any romance in the near future quickly faded along with many meals, help with chores, and other household activities. Boney is made of a material that is not necessarily super glue-friendly, more experiments to come this weekend.

Moral of the story, the manufacturer of this product is clearly negligent in their labeling practices and owes me an apology for failing to warn me that this item is neither wife-friendly nor wife-proof. Oh. You know wives. You know as wives are. They don't ever know where to eat dinner. I was watching The Bachelorette.

So this, this is an update. Sorry. I just looked at the dates. I knew it was an update, but in my head it was not this way. The originally was, originally was October 13th, 2024. They updated it September 6th, 2015. So almost a year later Oh, you said 2024.

2014. I was like, how did they go back in time? Sorry, I'm sorry, sorry. 2014 to 2015. Gotcha. Okay. So like a year, another holiday season, like to the next Halloween season. Yeah.

And here is the edit. September 6th, 2015. Well, I ended up being able to easily repair Boney by gently sanding the points that required glue. Super glue is doing a fantastic job. keeping everything together strongly. Just sand both sides of the repair and you'll be fine. He looks good in my garage and enjoys watching over all of my unfinished projects.

Definitely a goodbye. Get one. End of review. Wow. I can't believe he got to stay after that. I know. That's what it was such a lovely update. Unless she left.

Well, but in which case he seems happy. In which case he seems happy. And Boney seems happy. Boney has all limbs and ribs. Boney got what he wanted, which was to break up. their marriage. Yeah.

Boney did get what Boney wanted. Boney always gets what Boney wants. Uh-oh. I don't like that. I thought we were doing a thing. Okay, this is a review sent in by, it's actually sort of like a post on, I think it's a Yelp thread is what it is,

like a Yelp forum. So this was sent in by, I believe, there's a name, or there's an email, but no name. so I'm going to say anonymous. And this is a post on the Yelp forum that reads, have you ever tried to eat at a restaurant, which happened to be a mafia front?

But you didn't know it was a mafia front. And everyone inside just stared at you when you walked in because nobody actually eats there. And that was a question. Uh-oh. And whether or not Brandon wrote the question, he did answer it. And he wrote,

Oh. I have an answer for this one. So I'm assuming someone else wrote it. Yeah, okay, got it. But the way it's screenshot looks like he wrote it and then added his own answer. But I don't think that's the case. I have an answer for this one. Years ago, I was going to see the Cleveland Philharmonic.

Oh my God, do you think Cleveland Philharmonic is a mafia cover? You didn't know that? Oh, I'm such a loser. I didn't know that. You think they actually like have like classical music in Cleveland? I'm so embarrassed. Please, it's fucking rock and roll city. Am I right, folks?

Years ago, I was going to see the Cleveland Philharmonic with my girlfriend, and we were looking for a place to eat before the show. We felt like Italian food and found a place that looked really pretty outside, but didn't have windows. That should have been red flag number one, to be honest. We went in and the place was absolutely deserted, but decorated to the rafters with old world charm. The sign said, seat yourself, so we did. We noticed a few guys in suits coming in and going directly into the kitchen, red flag number two. We were, however, young and stupid and didn't think anything of it. One guy noticed us, stopped and stared for a minute, then went into the back.

About ten seconds later, this lovely old lady comes bustling over and greets us like family. There were no menus, but I'll make something you'll both love. We had, if I remember, something like 12 different courses of the best food I have ever eaten in a restaurant. Nobody else in the place except the two of us this old lady and presumably the suited guys the kitchen. When it came time to pay, she would not accept our money, told us it was her pleasure, and insisted that all she wanted was a hug and knowledge that we had a great meal. We went back a month later and the place was gone. What the fuck? I often wonder, A, how I was that stupid and B, whatever happened to that lovely old lady. Mafia or not, she made our evening both

wonderful and memorable. End of post. I just love that so much. That's fascinating. Isn't it? It is. I, uh... I don't think you're stupid at all, though. I don't either. I mean, listen, it says restaurant. I mean, what are they? You walked in and they gave you food. And also, you're in Cleveland.

Like, your first thought should never be, oh, this Italian restaurant is mafia owned. Yeah. Especially if, I mean, it wouldn't be my, as in Ohio and even, it wouldn't be my first thought. Like, unless I'm at like the fucking precinct, which is never mind. like themed that way kind of like I don't know they're like all these like weird like Cincinnati like establishments in like historic buildings they're not actually bought they're just like kind of like seem like I never thought about that is a precinct themed after the jail no I don't know yeah it's like kind of not like sort of it's just like old like you know you know you know and that's

where everyone's rubbing shoulders you know rubbing elbows and shoulders and joints sounds hot oh i was going to say something and then i realized that was our conversation before we were recording so i can't do that call back you can't let them know behind the scenes what happens um no fuck that would have been funny i think i think you tell me later thanks you'll hate it but yeah okay i uh i think that's it's it for me that's it for me too okay that was fun i do love a good old between you and us I do too. And now I'm sorry that I've read some repeats. Clearly I got excited in last episodes and just didn't like remove them from the folder.

And then I read to discover them. I promise there are hundreds in here. So they're not all going to be repeats. I was going to say we have thousands of like emails in our like unread email. And then we have patrons get a special like for like submitting reviews. And we have a lot of those. So I go through those. Those are the like priority ones.

but yeah we've got so many so I figure yeah this would be a good way to use them and also a little wind down from our our guest episodes which this one I thought was so much fun went so well and just I don't know I had a good time so I'm excited to do more if you have any feedback let us know if your feedback is don't do them again don't tell us that because we're not going to stop unless we want to so unless you like being like told No, but unless you like being told, like, no, I won't do that. And that's like your thing. Because that will happen.

Then DM her about that. I don't want to know. I mean, I'm not going to read it. And you're just going to be like strict back to them and be like, no, little boy. That's right. Like this weird, whole weird thing you're doing. After they pay my bonus fee. Oh, that was from the Patreon episode.

Again, these jokes don't work. Again, we promise we're funny, but only if you pay us enough money. That's right. We save our good humor for paying customers only. Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, thank you, Nurse Blake, for paying the thousands of dollars to be here on our show. Yeah, that was really thoughtful of you. No, it was, honestly, that was quite the move being our first ever guest.

That was, that was brave. Yeah, I don't think he knew it. So, well, clearly until we told him at the end. And I couldn't keep my mouth shit. So. Yeah. But it went so well. And we look forward to bringing more guests on.

If you have any suggestions, let us know. And yeah, but we'll be back to a normal episode next week. So we'll talk to you then. See you then. Bye-bye.