Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 363: Reviews of Great Wolf Lodge

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Tune in next week for 364: Reviews of Great Wolf Spider LodgeStuff here: www.beachtoosandy.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach Juice, Sandy Water, Toad. This is a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is the brother host, Zandi. That was the inter walk-on music he picked, so that was weird. It was me singing.

I'm not walking anywhere. I'm the sister host, Christine. play my walkout music walk out yeah please you have to start walking out first okay fine uh hi your walkout music goes woo yay she's leaving okay what what are we doing today it's and then you hear people go encore encore encore and then you hear me go no you guys don't what you come back just to leave again everyone shows you they got to yeah okay that's fine it's all about the charm the charisma? Oh, yours? Oh, yeah, definitely. So sorry. Sometimes I forget. Yeah, sometimes I forgot to clarify. Anyway, hello, everyone. Welcome. We are recording an episode today about something

uniquely American called the Great Wolf Lodge. Yeah, it's really special. Are there any, I say American in more of a North American sense. Are there any in Canada, do we know? I have no. idea. Oh, okay. I thought you'd come prepared with a little more of like, I chose to not look into it as much as possible because I'm familiar with it. I've been to one and I feel like that was enough. You know, that's, that was plenty. I didn't need to look at reviews to know what the reviews would say. Okay, well, I'm pivoting then. What is your, tell me about, I remember vaguely your experience with Austin, your friend Austin. With my friend Austin, we went because our little sister was there for a birthday party. That's right. So we tagged along. We were.

were, I don't know, how old, like, we were probably in, like, eighth grade. I have no idea. But anyway, we went along. We played a little bit in the arcade, did a couple slides. Even at that age, I remember feeling like, oh, I feel too old for this. Like, it felt a little off. But also, I might have been, like, in that phase of, I'm too cool for things. Yeah, and you had a little sister at a birthday party, like.

Yeah. But it's basically an indoor water park of chaos. with a lot of little kids apparently a lot of disease. It's like a family vacation fun spot theme park type thing, water park. Like there's one in the Poconos. It's a kind of place where you go

and it's a quote unquote resort. That's how I feel about the Margaritaville Resort. It's like, okay, it's a resort. We'll call it that. But just because you actually like stay there in the hotel and there's water parks. But this one has children. This one has children, a lot of them.

And they have, some of them have like, they have putt putt bowling mini golf i just already said putt putt putt pink eye pink eye oh plenty of that basically indoor water park with arcade and other things and it's disastrous and then they made it like kind of didn't they make it like they added a magical element to it dude i don't know what the fuck is going on with that oh i thought you knew about that okay i don't know i read that a lot and i chose not to look into it because it gave me the something about it. I didn't want to know more. Okay.

I think that's a fair. We'll allow it. Do you know more about Merlin? What was it? It was some weird thing. We've talked about it before on the podcast, which is why I brought it up. But it was when we did our water parks episode. I was under the incorrect assumption.

We had done the topic of Great Wolf Lodge before. And Alexander, before me, we had not. So I didn't evade it this time around, but try as I might. But we just. I've discussed this, and we discussed how they give you, like, a magic wand or something. Magic quest. Magic quest, and you're supposed to, like, get points or something. It feels...

They're doing their best to get people to come, despite their reputation. They're doing something. Yeah, okay, fair enough. So, I would like to begin. Okay. This is from Hannah, she, her, and it's a one-star review. first of all when we got there we had to wait at least 40 minutes to sign in when we got to the service desk they charged us $20 extra for parking every day not included in our package got to our room and smell like piss there is no drain in the sink to wash face the floor was wet by the fridge raider i'm sure there's mold underneath it there's no place to park at night at the hotel after you pay $20 a night for parking the curtains at the patio door were filthy full of blood or something the rooms are or something i was about to say Hopefully, or something, but that could mean a lot of things.

It's true. It's true. It could be. The rooms are disgusting. I will never go back there again. This is all one sentence, this ending here. Oh, okay. Bit by a spider the first night on my toe, it rained, and the parking lot was underwater.

A water spider bit the toe in the parking lot? Well, that's what you get for trying to get the discount by swimming in the parking lot instead of the designated pools. Like, ooh, nature slip and slide, a parking lot with flooded parking lot. Yeah, it's an organic water park. I saw someone else got bit by a spider too. They were like, it was a wolf spider. And I thought, well, yeah, it's in the name. Great wolf spider.

It's not about wolves. It's about spiders. Oh, that would be crazy, though, if it was great wolf spider lodge. And it was just like about how great wolf spiders were. And they were like, why do all these people keep howling? It's not, that's not the thing. Yeah. And why do they keep complaining about being bit?

by spiders. Oh my God. That's kind of the whole thing. So cool, Alexander. A spider family friendly resort. Family friendly spider resort. A spider family.

It's also spider family friendly. Yeah. I was going to say that. It's where you can coexist, you know. Oh, I kind of like that. Yeah. So. Okay.

My first one here is of Great Wolf Lodge in Concord, North Carolina. Concord? Great Wolf's Spider Lodge. I'm really into that actually I need to like trademark that Yeah when I read that I was like Oh wow That's kind of that's fitting

That's like on brand yeah Yeah Here's a one star review The employee in the gift shop Grab my arm when I stated that my grandson Wanted the block style on the complimentary leather keychain And said to me Shouldn't he be the one that answers that?

My husband had to walk away I was very shocked and disappointed that the sales clerk grabbed my arm. Oh my God. Where kids rule the roost. I mean, this woman's probably terrified. She's like, I don't need this kid coming back and telling me what's what, because I listen to his mom. Yeah, grandma.

And he just wanted to write boobs in black font. He wanted to write boobs in cursive. And Grandma Bertha or whatever was like, no, he's going to write his initials in block letters. Yeah, he was like, I wanted to be fancy looking. And Graham was like, that's gay. Make it block letters. And make it say boobs because then people will know who like girls. It's extra straight.

Yeah. Yeah. That sounds a lot like my experience at Great Wolf Lodge. Right? That's what I thought. That's kind of what it made me think of. Yeah. Okay.

So this is also from Hannah. It's a one-star review. Wouldn't you know it of a Great Wolf Spider Lodge? One Star by Jesse. A local guide. Thought it was a different hotel. not camel my second day. Cost $100 not recommended to stay here. Walter Park is small and my 13 year old did not like it. They fiddled to be gentle. They suck at hospitality. Only could

image what my room will be like. End of review. I didn't like a lot of the words that they chose. Yeah, it was a lot of typos, but it kind of was poetic in the way that it said things like. Walter? I liked Walter instead of water. Well, it said they thought it was a different hotel. And I'm like, well, if you're talking Walter Park into your Google Maps, it's going to bring you somewhere real weird or just like to your local park probably. Yeah, they're trying to go to the Walter Hilton hotel and they went to the. What's a Walter Hilton? I don't know. I just made that up.

Oh, the Walter Astoria. It's literally nothing. I'm sorry. Walter is, that's better. That's better. Thank you. I'm not funny. No, I, but that start of like I thought this was a different hotel.

How? I don't know because maybe they thought it was the Great Wolf Spider Lodge. I thought you said it was. It was. Maybe they're confused again. I don't know. Maybe I'm confused. But like something about fiddling and then sucking.

Like there was a lot of like words that kind of like. Yeah, the gentle fiddling. It like things like jumped in my head that were really uncomfortable. It felt you know what it was like. It was like some like secret code happening. Yeah, it was like prickly. Like it was like activating. It was like a light code.

It was activated. I just want to like grab them and say, what does it mean? Yeah, you're a super agent. the numbers um wait till you hear my moon reviews oh yeah true her challenge today is uh refuse where people complained about the moon is that right that's right oh boy that's a weird one it's a fucking weirdly fitting for the great wolf lodge the howling actually i did notice that yeah good job zanny thank you but i will say not as relevant to spider wolf spiders as far as i know unless they also howl at the moon i mean i feel like their webs probably have

some sort of correlation, just like the tides. You know what? I'm going to say they do. Yeah, that's right. Here is a review. I'll do another of the North Carolina, the conquered one, one star. The service at the hotel was disappointing across almost all areas. Many of the staff were teenagers with poor attitudes.

One particularly unsettling encounter was with a man working at the Hungry as a Wolf restaurant. Ooh. Wait, do you think Hungry as a Wolf Spider? Oh, I hope not. That's what Duran Duran meant when they sang that song. Yeah, I know, because they would eat. Hungry as a wolf spider because they weren't very hungry. Because like, wolf, they would eat their eggs under the moonlight.

They'd eat eggs and insects. Yeah. No, like a wolf spider would eat its own offspring. So if you're going to that, what are you trying to tell your children? The members of Duran Duran would eat their own eggs. Yes. Yeah. No, but what I'm saying is this restaurant is giving like.

Hungry as a wolf. They serve eggs. Alexander you are not listening to me and if we're going to run a business together like this and I'm talking a great wolf spider lodge business then you're going to need to listen to me a little bit and what I'm saying is just a little bit okay I'll listen just a little bit right now I'll take a literal Iota I don't care um is an iota an actual measurement or is it like just a anyway I'm not going to listen to this anyway I'm taking advantage of you saying you're listening Okay, so I'm defining how long an iota really is, and it's pretty long.

So I want to also add that in the context of this restaurant, it's like you eat your young. That's what you really needed to say. Yeah, I needed you to understand where I was coming from. So this person went there and the employee was like, go eat your own kids. Don't eat mine? Yeah. They were, no, they brought kids in. were like, okay, we'll take the kids to the back.

And prepare them for you? Yeah. Okay. That's fine. I mean, considering all the injuries I saw to children, I would not be surprised when they're trying to kill kids. It's just like blood on all the curtains. Dude, I saw one picture. It was horrific.

Like a child because the lights went off. 13 stitches in their chin. Okay. I don't want to see that. And they just posted a picture on Google reviews. And I was like in public. Jump scare. Oh, anyway.

I'm going to finish this review. Many of the staff were teenagers with poor attitudes. One particularly unsettling encounter was with a man working at the hungry as a wolf restaurant. He made my wife feel uncomfortable by staring at her, gritting his teeth, and growling. She described it as giving off sexual predator vibes, which left her feeling uneasy. End of review. What? Is this what people think sexual predator means?

I was going to say, if all sexual predators did that, I feel like. The world would be a lot easier. The other world would be a lot easier place if we could just point them out by the other than ones growling and rabid and growling. You have a sexual predator working at but hungry is a wolf place. They're drawn to that place.

Oh, what's he doing? He's growling at me. Yeah. Well, I know I say it that way. It's kind of creepy, but gritting his teeth and growl. It's like unacceptable. I get that you work at a place called Hungry like the Wolf. You don't like do that to it.

me wrong. I don't think this person should be doing that. No, I'm not saying you. I'm saying in general, this is like such an insanely... I'm glad you were here to clear that up. Well, you acted like, oh yeah, when I say it out loud, it's pretty weird. Okay, but I was like, okay, jumping to sexual predator and then I was like growling at, I was like, okay, I mean, I should have included the rest. I feel like sexual predator is like, is quite a statement. I would say like a creep or like, like a creep. It is a leap. It is a leap. Is it a leap from creep to sexual predator. Oh, it's quite a leap. You're right. Actually, it's probably not quite a leap, to be

honest. You're right. If someone's growling. What am I? Who am I to say? Beautifully put. So this is a review. That's unfortunately really funny. The growling thing. Oh, the sexual predator. I thought you meant the thing you're reading that. No, I'm just still like harkening back to the good old days. The good old days. when he could growl at a man's wife and he'd be pleased. I mean, come on. Yeah, and he'd be like, ooh, we've got a cuck chair in the hotel that's waiting for me.

I'm really done with you saying that you think that the Great Wolf Lodge has a cuck chair in the rooms. They have at, of course, they have to have extra, probably. For whom? I don't know. Any extra spider, anybody wants to join. Any spiders to what? You send the kids down to the pool. And invite the employees at the hungry like a wolf stand up?

I think I was growling earlier. I'm sure he'd be. Okay, this is from Elise and Matt. She hurt. He him. It's of a Great Royal Fodge in Fitchburg, Massachusetts. One star. I was evacuated twice in 12 hours.

December 25th, 2018. By the way. Wait. That's Chris. By the way, that's Christmas, guys. They're open on Christmas? Maybe they aren't. Maybe that's why they keep getting him evacuated.

They are not evacuating. They're not evicting him. What do you call it? I hope it's like by helicopter off the roof or something insanely dramatic. Just evacuated out of there. Like what does that mean? Oh no, Gertesina Nature's slip and slide. Oh.

Parking lots underwater. Not again. He got bit by a spider on the toe and has to be airlifted. Yeah, that was, that's, wait, why was your toe? I guess in a water park your toe. Where was that spider? I still want to know more about that fighting spider. December 25th, 2018.

Saw more fire trucks than water slides. Lost hours of game time I paid for. Stay here if you want a terrorism response simulator. But not for a vacation. If I could give zero stars, I would. End of review. Terrorist response situation? Terrorist response simulator.

Simulator. Oh, like the flight simulator at the Smithsonian. I think it's kind of a similar learning experience. Yeah, I think they, I think so. I wonder what it's like. But do you really think if there were a terrorism attack that they would evacuate the Great Wolf Lodge? Do you think if there was a terrorist attack, it would be anywhere close to Great Wolf Lodge? Hmm.

The thing is, the fucking Great Wolf Lodge is terrifying enough. Like there are, there's chemical warfare going on with all the chlorine. Oh, it's gross. And the disease. There's clearly like mind games happening with all the ground. Sexual deviancy? The sexual deviance. And then fucking the Geneva Convention, there's a whole article that they, about Great Wolf Lodges.

Yeah. And the standards that they need to uphold because of how many issues they've had with terrorism. How many? Christina. Let's just say it was at least one. No. Yeah. Shit.

Yeah. That day they had more fire trucks than they had watersides. No, that can't be. hate to say it but it's true you know what else is true he got a medal after that for his bravery he did once he got out of the simulator they were like you were the best person

in simulating being a victim of terrorism and they were like do you want it in cursive or block letters oh good here's a one-star review of the gray wolf lodge in grapevine Texas now this might have a simulator of some sort. I feel like this is,

we're getting into some very, never, you're like, ooh, terrorists are going to be there. Guns? I don't know. Let's not talk about it.

I'm pretty sure I have read a review of guns being involved. Yes. Either them not being allowed to bring their guns in the Great Wolf Lodge or something. Was that like back in the day or like recently that you read this?

Yeah, I remember that too. It was like they got their gun taken at security and I'm like, Okay. This is nature's slip and slide. Please put your gun away. Like, I don't want you holding...

Meanwhile, Austin and I are in there playing like time crisis with our little plastic guns. Right. And some guys are like, what if someone, something happens?

A terrorist comes here. They would evacuate. Yeah. Just like the simulator. Wait, where did that terrorist event happen in Bitchfield, Massachusetts?

Bitchfield? Is that all you said? I think that's what I said. I mean, I can't find it, so it must be right. It must be right. Okay. I mean, I'd terrorize a place like that. You would.

You'd go to town. I'd go to their town just to go to town. Here's a one-star review of the Grapevine, Texas location. Our room was filthy. Low rent, horrible accommodations. Food selection is total processed trash. And they were out of drains and food selection constantly. I thought it was trash

Why do you want it so bad Right Pick a lane Pick a lane Pick a lane pick a lane Fireside grill is the only decent dining option and it's not open very often And I'm not even going to get into

The mask wearing liberal staff and clientele They literally have kids dressing as furries With ears and tails What? We will not be coming back This was a mistake Spend your money elsewhere end of review of all places to have children wearing tails and ears a great wolf lodge feels like a great place for that it just is like so why what's the problem it's just wow to me that

your mind that this person's mind would go no that's not an eight-year-old dressed as a panda or with panda ears on eight-year-old dressed as an adult who is a liberal furry right there fetish out. Like it's literally the wildest leap to be like, oh I mean, like kids no offense to furries. Kids have probably worn like animal costumes since long before furries ever did

and I feel like it's a wild thing to be like furries are so forefront of mind to you. Like it's such a big mental construct in your head. This person's saying more about themselves. That you're thinking of little children as furries. I mean it's just like a... But also caring about furries.

I'm saying. Whenever anyone cares about furry, I'm like, why do you care? That's what I'm saying. What are they doing to you? They're making them uncomfortable because they know that they don't have the gumpshin to put on their own fur suit or the money. Those things are expensive. They are. Yeah.

See, again, that's like offensive then because the ones that kids got from a gas station, like probably it's not the same caliber or quality. You wish you that were furry around. Probably just like cat your headphones on and like, I don't know what else. Like that's it. And they're like, oh, these fucking liberal furries in my grave will watch. I mean, it's just so insane that you think the adults are dressing the children. Like, you really need to get it together. Like, you got to get your own thoughts in order because they're upsetting me.

Okay, so let's see. I will say, I don't want any of them in the water and then all smelling like wet dog or whatever, all these children in these costumes. As long as they stay out of the water and aren't dripping. We think they're wearing, like, real fur, these children in grapevine tikes. I don't think furies are wearing real fur. Right. So then what are you talking about?

Just stay out of the water with those suits. That's all I'm saying. I don't need them dripping all over the place. No, that would be it. I'm shaking, shaken, shaken their little bodies and spraying water on me. That's going to be somebody's thing and it's going to. No wonder everyone's wearing masks. Also, a grape wolf, great grape wolf.

Great Wolf Lodge, I'm sorry, so many people said they couldn't last more than 10 minutes or something because of the chlorine inhalation, please. Everyone should wear masks then. Like, that would help. Fucking chlorp. Did you not see that? Everyone's like, I'm going to die from all this chlorine. I mean, it is gross.

I mean, it is gross. But also, would you rather have like typhoid in the water, you know? No, I don't get me wrong. I'm all for it. No, not you. I mean, these people. I'm like, you know, you got to choose. Like, either you got to deal with the chemical burn.

in your nostrils or you got to go to the organic slip and slide outside, nature slip and slide and get bit by a spider or just wear a fur suit with a mask. That's another option. Okay, this is my last one. This is from Stacey and it's of the Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky, Ohio. Wow. And this is a saga, okay? The title is good until a stranger walked into my room. Oh, yay. Two stars. We stayed one night, October 27th to October 28th, in a loft suite. Myself, my husband, and three- and four-year-old kids. The room was dated, but spacious and clean. Having the additional half-bath was great.

Our room was ready on time. We got ready for the pool as soon as we got settled. Overall, the indoor park was great for my kids. They loved the lily pad leap. Blah, blah, blah. It goes on forever and ever and ever. Getting back to the room and undoing the beds for the first time, we had one bed with dirty sheets.

annoying but not the end of the world. We were brought new sheets very quickly and changed the bed ourselves. The next morning we grabbed breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts in the lobby. Our plan was to eat, pack up, and head to the pool. Checkout was at 11, but we planned to stay after checkout at the water park. Around 9 a.m. we were finishing breakfast and a man came walking into our room, literally just opened the door and walked in, scared the hell out of me. My husband shouted at him and he turned and walked out saying something. I was in shock for a second, but then I opened the door and saw him walking, walking fast down the hallway. I yelled after him and asked what the hell he was doing. He said he worked there and was supposed to be working on the air conditioner

in the room next to us. He had nothing on that said his name or Great Wolf Lodge. I asked if he was supposed to be in the room next door. Why is he running down the hallway away from said room? I asked his name, Jeff. And again, asked why the hell he had just walked into my room. He mumbled a few other things and ran off. I was shaking. I called the front desk. He's mumbling all these things. He's apparently saying a lot, but we haven't actually heard what he's saying. Good point. I hadn't thought of that because I'm like, wow, did you not understand anything? And then I'm like, no, you understood that he worked there, that he went air conditioning, that his name's Jeff. But like everything else is just like a mull-l-l-l-l-law. Yeah, I bet there were some things that kind of helped his story out.

But they were like, yeah, he just mumbled some things. But I don't know. Maybe he's a, maybe he's, I don't know. Maybe he's a sexual predator. I was going to say, maybe he was working at the hungry like a wolf. Got the wrong room for sure. He mumbled a few other things and ran off. I was shaking. I called the front desk immediately.

They said they would have a manager in touch. I, of course, then started to think of every horrible scenario. What if I was upstairs in the bathroom and my kids were on the bed watching Bluey when this man came in? Okay, that feels... What? Really specific. That man just hates Bluey That's what he was mumbling about

Triggered by Bluey And who all would have been Fucking fucking dog Fucking Australian's fucking He was like mumbling all this weird Bluey specific Can you imagine Thank God they hadn't been watching Bluey

That's just so strange Not that this is okay Like it's scary But like holy shit You'd think that this person threatened your life Yeah, exactly. Did my husband scare him off?

Did he follow me up from Dunkin' Donuts? I mean, I don't know. Who wants to follow you? Why would anybody do this? That's a great wolf lodge. There are plenty of, like, I don't know. And why would he go into your room and then run away, like, if he was following you? You know what I mean?

Like, if he was following, you wouldn't have, like, gone in and done whatever, like, plan, nefarious plan. It just is so strange to me that you're like, it's right before checkout. Somebody, whatever. Okay. I, listen, I don't want to be, I don't want to be questioning, but sometimes I'm like, hmm. Well, reviewers tend to leave out a lot of details and are insanely dramatic. Yeah, it's like I started to think of every, I of course started to think of every horrible scenario. It's like, nothing happened.

I mean, I would do the same, maybe. Let's be happy that nothing happened. Let's be happy about that, but I guess not. Okay, I get it. I get it. I get your upset. But. And.

this is probably not healthy ready did seeing my husband scare him off did he follow me up from duncan donuts then i started to think of people who access to the rooms and what they could be doing in their parentheses installing cameras i mean it's like this is you're like putting fear of god into like yourself and your family it's like yeah hopefully that's not at all what was happening i of course yeah but like it's just stressful are they ever going to travel again if that's what they think's going to happen. Probably not. Ooh, okay.

Literally making me sick thinking of what could happen and how vulnerable we were in a place where I had felt totally safe. The manager, but like, really. I'm sorry. What? Great Wolf Lodge is you're a safe place? At 9 in the morning. There's nothing safe about being in a great wolf lodge.

It's one of the least safe places in the world, I think. The shit that I've read, there's no way that you can be like, A place I felt so safe. Great Wolf Lodge. Huh? No. Uh-uh. Agreed.

The manager, Vanessa, called and invited me to come down and speak to her. She offered us a free late checkout. I told her, I'm not looking for anything. I just want someone to make me feel better. Vanessa, I don't really want, I'm not asking for anything, except all your unwavering support as I process this and all your reassurances that it'll never happen again. she assured me it had been addressed and said their policy is to knock three times announce themselves and they should have a name tag on none of that happened she said she knew

that and the employee told her his name tag was on his jacket he'd taken off Vanessa was polite and understanding and honestly just in a no-win situation there is no apology that would make me feel safe going back to great wolf lodge i don't know this person maybe it was a mistake but there's also a chance that it wasn't and i would never want to put my family in this situation again end of review what situation there was no situation and like the fact

that the hotel concierger manager spoke to the employee and was like it was confirmed it was an employee exactly by that point you're like okay

yeah mistakes happened that was that was don't do that again dude like yeah definitely not next time or like at least speak to them if they're yeah yeah it was not handled

properly obviously I imagine he walked in realized it was a wrong room said something he might have said sorry and then walked out, and they were like, he's, oh, he just tried to kill us. And they're like, he heard Bluey playing in the other room

and now he has a murderous vengeance. Like, he made a mistake and they made him into a fucking sexual predator. Again, yeah, it's like, go look at the guy growling downstairs. He's a sexual predator. Yeah, right? It's the one, always the ones you least expect. Also, hotels are like not that safe.

Don't feel overly safe in any hotel. Like, they can, they can go. They can go in your room. Like, I'm hoping they don't, but like, don't be, I mean, it's true. They can go in your room. Like, they can. Anyone, yeah, yeah. Not anyone.

It's terrible. Nope. I don't think. I have one. I'm going back to the North Carolina one. Here's one star review. This place should be called the Great Roach Lodge. Roaches are really bad at this place.

I was shocked to see them in the water park area as well. They were under the tables crawling around our feet. Maybe this is why they keep the lobby so dark and dim. They don't want you to see all the roaches. I will never bring my family back here. End of review. This one didn't, but a lot of reviews had pictures. There were roaches.

There were roaches, all right. These places are nasty. I don't like to be, like, even thinking about that, really. It's making me sick. Okay, don't worry. I'll move on then. I have one more, this is of the one in Poconos. Okay.

Um, this is I don't think you want to be thinking about this either But it's a two-star review It's titled Never Again It's on TripAdvisor Here we go I walked into this room And this lady started screaming at me

Got me fired Not quite Here we go Not worth it at all The two stars are purely for the water park Save your time and money And just go to the water park for the day The restaurants and food are horrendous

A fully open buffet that everyone can touch. I witnessed several people wiping their noses, then pick up food and put it back and pick up another. Several items of food were covered in here. The dirtiest buffet I've ever seen and shocking choices for the price. The pool restaurant is an even bigger waste of your money. Witnessed a woman throwing up and... How could it possibly be... Okay, tell me.

How could it possibly be what? Even more a waste of money than food covered in hair and boogers. Yeah, and also whatever is what is about to happen. Yeah. Here we go. Witnessed a woman throwing up in her hands in the lobby, dripping on the floor, walk into the restaurant, and back out again. What?

No one batted an eye. The rooms are outdated and extremely overpriced. Awful experience. End of review. That's fucking nasty, dude. I was like, okay, yeah, this is a nasty buffet. What? This woman did what?

She literally just wandered in the restaurant with, maybe that's why that guy growls. He's like, get out of here. He's sick of all these women throwing up in their hands. He's like, I'm not going to give you Purell. No, get the fuck out. Imagine feeling like this is a safe place to be. That's just nasty, dude. I know, that's what I'm saying, like, you're incorrect.

Don't let it for you. It's not safe. Always. A great wolf spider lodge. The more chlorine you smell. Put up those boundaries. Put them up. I think that was my last one.

Good job, Zandi. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. I'm very excited today for my challenge. I'm excited for it too. But first may I take a hit of my vape? Yeah, sure. I'll do the same. All right. So my challenge today was to find reviews where people complain about the moon. This is so exciting. Okay. So Hannah sent in this review.

It's not really a review. It's sort of just like an exclaim. Hannah just complaining about the moon. It's not even Hannah complaining. It's unfortunately someone on Facebook complaining. Or not even complaining, just like having an opinion. Okay? So this is in a Facebook group for something called We the Assembly.

And like, I hope just hearing those words put a chill down your spine because this, I unfortunately Googled it. And it is a sort of apocalyptic, like, biblical social movement of some sort. Oh. Yeah. So it says here that they explore hidden biblical knowledge and apocryphal texts. And it says, coming soon. We are preparing something extraordinary, a kingdom-centered platform where faith, technology, and community unite.

Okay, it's just like. Does that even fucking mean? They have hidden texts. One of their page... What are these people on Facebook have hidden tests? I know. One of their pages is called Dry Bones Awakening. Oh, no, that's a song.

That's a song. Please. I mean, so Linda... Isn't that like a Mario character? What's that guy with the bones? What's a Bones guy? Never mind. Bones and bones those...

Thy bones. I don't know. Bone in Calzone. Boat in Calzone. Linda posted into the We the Assembly small group on October 9th, 2024. And she said, I did not see the moon last night. And then Roland commented on and said, I'm looking at it right now. And then Linda responded to him and said, this was last night.

And then Roland responded to her and said, there are many theories on why the moon wasn't seen for the last seven or eight days. The moon could be a holographic projection or could just be that it took a different path. and we didn't see it for more than usual. The moon was missing for seven to eight days earlier this month? No, it was last year 24. Oh, shit. Then I was like, maybe it was because I don't remember. We missed it, Alex, and we never checked.

It's like nobody ever checked except for Linda. That's crazy that Linda figured it out before we ever even knew. A year later, we still didn't even know. What the hell is happening on this page? That post has 26 comments of people. like discussing the moon and it's just really depressing so i'm not going to read it uh oh boy it's a lot and then somebody had some what seemed to be reason and was commenting i should have known better but they were commenting and then saying like oh the moon basically saying what seemed like a scientific

explanation and then all of a sudden they said it has to go through its uh its morning gate or something and i'm like is that a thing or is that just like a flat earth or not just like a morning Like the morning Oh okay Not like It sounded very Like Like

I don't know diabolical The morning gate Where you go through When you lose a loved one That's where Christopher Columbus fucking fell off the end of the earth Did you see what Kim Kardashian said about the moon recently?

No What? She said that There's evidence Or she said she saw on TikTok that the moon landing wasn't real. This is what I'm like, this is, yeah, okay. She's like, and she said all of these things that were like, literally, I, they have been

debunked or they've been talked about, like, like, the fact she didn't, it's not surprising, but the fact that people let, don't talk about this. It pisses me off because like, she's like, oh, well, if you look at the flag, it's like completely, first of all, she said there's no gravity on the moon, which, what, that's not true. That doesn't even, she has a, how did this one? get a law degree she has a law degree oh well at least she got she passed the bar and i think and then did a podcast i have no idea um but then she said like the flag itself isn't like it's just like straight and it's not moving you know on the moon oh sorry that that's what they are the four gates

to outer earth that's what they are oh so it is something really intense it is flat earthers yeah it is a flat earth written okay yeah but yeah so she said that uh because the flag doesn't move and it's but it's like still upright and not down but like there's a rod in it to keep it up that's just the thing and then she said she saw that there were boots in museums that didn't match the footprints on the moon you know why because those boots and those museums weren't on the fucking moon those boots were probably still in the lander they weren't they were worn by astronauts but not on the moon just like like the dumbest shit that is like easily just and she probably just told a bunch of

fucking teenagers that like tweens who are like yeah oh okay maybe maybe she has a point she doesn't what does she think about this asteroid coming now i want to know what asteroid you've not heard about this atlas i don't know maybe i'm too far i'm too atlas three i no um it's an interstellar i'm not up on my celestial bodies it's an interstellar visitor is what Oh, is that the one that's our second moon, supposedly, but it's like really tiny? It's an interstellar comet. And it is heralding a new age of consciousness. Some people believe.

Wait, Jim Harold? Listen, that would be, we can only hope. That would actually, that'd be pretty good. That's who I want to be heralding anything. I'm so sorry. Kim Kardashian, of course, came up when I Google this fucking asteroid. It says, scientists worried that three hours. Atlas Comet could be alien tech invites Kim Kardashian to join research team what's

happening why now that she doesn't believe in the moon landing they're like okay come on board I guess so that was a New York post I would add oh okay that okay but how about this the Economic Times released an article 21 hours ago that says why is NASA silent and not releasing three I slash Atlas high resolution images and a change color again something I've watched C-SPAN I don't You don't get me wrong, Kim. There's shit going on. Okay, now we're talking.

Okay. No, but it has nothing to do with the moon landing. No, no, no, no, no. That's very. And that's why I'm mad. And I think it's a distraction, all this. Yes. They're taking away from real actual, exactly, real actual concerns and, and

interstellar situations. That first don't care that they're flat earthers. They're not, they don't care to convince them otherwise. Because while they're so busy on that, meanwhile, they're doing all these other things. They're just like fucking pocunay. extraterrestrial or just non-human like spacecraft there are all sorts of things technology pilots there's shit going on people but moon landing was real uh yeah unfortunately it was okay never mind i'm not going to say that what what if like it's proven that it was actually

fake it's like somehow like it doesn't make any sense and it's proven to be real okay but what if some people make an art okay again i'm not i believe the moon moon landing is very real, okay, but I do know people who do not. And so I want to just put out there that, and I asked, please tell me you don't think the earth is flat. And they were like, of course not. And I was like, okay, but this is like quite a statement you're making. It is. And they were like, well, I think it was all geopolitical, like.

That's where I'm like, that in my opinion is evidence for it being real. You think the Soviets were fine with us being like, we landed on the moon, but it being fake? yeah like that's bullshit why would the so the soviets would be like no that's not real but they knew it was real so they couldn't say it wasn't real because it was real what if hollywood is just so good now can't you now i'm just down stanley kubrick is so talented and now just trick the soviets yeah yeah but like i think everything that i've read about it being fake has been debunked i've not found as far as i've seen argument that it is not real because people make the arguments about gravity and wind.

And I'm like, that's not how it works. And it's like, but the flag was moving when they planted it. Yeah, because they were moving it with their hand. They were literally planting it. What do you think happens? It's like come back when you have a better argument, please. You act like everything's supposed to be frozen there, like, until wind becomes a while? That's not, okay, sorry.

Where are we? We got to go watch C-SPAN again. Why did we do a moon episode? I don't know. What did we think was going to happen? I didn't even see that Yeah, I kind of forgot Linda didn't see the moon last night

That was a whole thing And then Roland We're talking of these fucking Conspiracy theories on Facebook Loons, okay? Because then she goes We're doing through the moon He goes, actually he wrote

I'm looking at it right now Thank you Roland For your fucking That is the most scientific comment I bet In that whole around Again he said it a day late And she's like, you missed it

It was he goes Yeah, it's here now It wasn't here yesterday And it's like, Roland, you should have checked. Yeah, I think maybe he was saying, like, don't worry, it's back. Oh, maybe he's like, don't worry. I've got eyes on it this time. It's not going through that gate, any of the four corner gates without my approval.

Yeah. Okay, now I have an actual review, okay? This is a review on TripAdvisor. There were a lot like this. Of the moon? Well, you'll see. Of events or activities like. this. Um, this is a bioluminescent tour in Puerto Rico. Cool. Which we did one time and

Puerto Rico in Puerto Rico. And here is a two star review. I also talk about nature's water slide. I saw, yeah, so true. I saw glow worms in, uh, that's cool in, uh, New Zealand. Those guys in the caves, those were, they were fucking. I love that you saw glow worms. Sometimes I tell people you saw glow worms. In a boat in the dark. just like floating through this cave and there are these like worms hanging and glowing at us it was insane did any fall on you no did you touch any no you're not i mean you shouldn't so no but like they're pretty cool i mean they're pretty gross but they're pretty like how big are they you know like um i don't know they're like kind of long oh i thought they were like little guys

like little caterpillar size no no i don't like that quite as much i mean like they're not like fucking snakes. Yeah, but it sounds like a parasite or something, like a tapeworm. They like hang down. I forget all of the information I learned right now. Stalactite and stalagmite. One goes up, one goes down. I think you did the wrong one.

Stalactite is on the ceiling. Stalagmite is on the ground. Gug, ground. I know. Ceiling. Which. Go seedling. Yeah, okay, I'll listen here, whatever you say.

Oh, but they dangle and that's how they catch food. All ocean worms still even. You try to fucking fool me. I'm no wishy-washy, flip-flopper. You cannot fucking, you cannot take me away from my convictions. That's why your nickname in middle school is Al Gore. You're such a flip-flopper. It was John Kerry and second of all.

Okay, this is a two-star review of Bio Bay night kayaking in San Juan. Staff was really good and enthusiastic, but. They were too much light because of full moon. We had to put a black tarp at the top of our head during four minutes to see a little bit of bioluminescence, which absolutely was not worth the cost. End of review. And then a few other people also mentioned that because the moon was too bright, they had to put tarps over their heads.

And I was like, this is insane. They bring a tarp to cover the whole group so you can look down. Honestly, hey, I guess that makes sense. I mean, I guess, right? If someone was like, here, go under this tarp and you'll see them, I'd be like, Okay. Like, I was in a cave, which is why I could see him. Like, it was really dark, and that helps, obviously.

Eradicate all of them. I'm not kidding. You were just banned from every bioluminescent site on Earth. Finally. I've been waiting for some sort of recourse. Why don't go? Why do you have to be banned? Because I just want them to know they've made an enemy.

Oh. And I want them to acknowledge it publicly. Why? because I need that anti-worm validation. Oh, I don't like that phrase. The anti-worm validation. I love worms. This is my last one.

This one was kind of all over the place. This episode, I know. Wow, that's a whole different story. This one was from Reddit. Oh, my God. This is a weird fucking episode. This had been listed a bunch of times, and it's one of my favorites ever. So I'm signing off on it.

Here we go. Three-star review of the moon. I'm a bit disappointed by the restaurant on the moon. The food is decent, but it just has no atmosphere. But I'm... The end. So. Anyway, thank you, everybody, so much.

much for being part of our episode. Wow. You know what that reminds me of, though? My favorite joke. Which one? The frustrated... Cannibal throws his hands. No, no, no.

Don't try to spoil my joke. That's not it. That's my joke, though. I wasn't try to spoil your joke. Okay. The frustrated Great Wolf Lodge customer threw up in her hands. Okay, the reason it was top of mind is because earlier you said threw up in her hands and I went, What does I remind me of?

I literally thought of that. I didn't think of it until now. Fucking joke. That's stupid, stupid joke. It's actually a pretty good joke. Like the first time I heard it, but because it's your favorite, I've heard it two billion times. It's really annoying. And also, I like camping as intense.

Yeah. I thought the baseball was getting bigger and then it hit me. You love your like. Pun of the day.com? I was a subscriber on my Blackberry. I remember I went into the. the dreaded world icon that was spinning. Don't admit this.

And it charged mom some outrageous fee so that I could go during, in St. Cecilia, so go on there and search for pun of the day.com and then subscribe to the newsletter. I just went on penisland.com. It was like a little surprise at what I saw. Is that what happened? No. No.

I just kidding. I never fell for Penn Island. I was like, how'd you never have told me that? No, but I mean, there was a dancing penis. Right. It was just, that was just something that happened. So in separate traumatic incident. But yeah, the Penn Island, I don't think ever got me.

I got got by a few this. Lemon party. What's that one? Nothing. Okay. And I like, in hindsight, I don't think it was that bad, but as a child. Every few years you say that, like, every, like, eight years. I think it's like old people having sex or something.

You say that. And then I'm like, what is it again? And then you don't tell me. And then I'm like, I should Google that. There's no way every few years I say. I said every year. I said every year. There's no way.

Like, I think you brought it up eight years ago. Maybe every 16 years. No, I really think. That was the second time in my life that I've ever said it. No, it's not. I promise. When I was turned 16, I said it. And now I said it.

Okay, fine. um okay let's go you've got things to research true true true I have like the moon gates and the I have so much to learn about yeah you know we've got merch coming out there is some fucked up stuff that happened with the merch so we kind of like we told our patron Patreon about something and then the products got fucked up no anyway we've got stuff coming for yeah after like Black

Friday sale a lot of We're trying to make it work and come out with some new stuff, despite the hiccup in the road. So, yeah, we're working on stuff. Look out for that. Yeah. And what is this, beachusandy. Dot store? Yeah.

Cool. That's about it. And you can sign up, like, I think they, there's a, you can put your email in there and get notifications when there's new stuff. And a big prize, which is a notification, your prize is a bit, is a notification. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get an email. Yeah.

True, true, true. Yeah, but other than that, no live shows. So what do we have to tell you? Nothing. Sign up for our Patreon. We have so much fun there. Yeah, we talk a lot about the moon and whether it's a hologram. Yeah.

I posted a bonus picture of me and my maid costume and I put it on like the quips where like anyone on Patreon can see it. He put it as public facing contact, which was bold. Yeah. I thought it was funny. I'd someone put a throwing up emoji and then someone else put like, someone said like, who is this man or something? You are not a very nice man. No, they said like, who the fuck is this man? Oh, but I did not see that.

It was something like really intense. I love it. That feels like Renee energy. Who the fuck are you? And it's like one time Renee did that to a man to a more like a kid. We were at a college party and there was this kid from my English class and we were talking about our group project. And Renee walked up and was like, who the fuck are you?

Get away from her. Anyway, English class got really awkward after that. He's like, your friend is like a lot. And I was like. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we also did.

was our bonus. It was on, um, um, um, rest of, wait, no, we'd already, that was a different episode. So, uh, Halloween children's books. Halloween children's book. So I screenshot one of the reviews. Oh, God. Again, with the people, the UP putting this on public content. Because that's the thing I'm doing now. Free people, you can, for free you can follow us and I want to put some content on Patreon. For free, you can also bully us on our posts. I guess you can do that for free anytime. I promise, our listeners are a lot more defensive than you and I are of us.

Sometimes they were defensive of us And I'm like, no, this asshole And you're like, that guy's in my English class, I promise. He wasn't just trying to abduct me. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. He was just fixing the air conditioning. Oh, no, too soon.

But, no, I posted one of a screenshot of a review on Goodreads of Pete the Cat, five little pumpkins. Oh, my God. And it just says, pathetic. Just let it die already. And so I thought it was like, like, I read that one in the episode. But I posted that to be like, hey, new bonus episode out. Someone said, I don't know what this is, but I don't like it.

This is weird. Do you even see what you screenshot it? That's a weird thing to screenshot and leave on a platform. Let what die already? I'm reporting this. This is weird. Oh, no. Isn't that so funny?

Why? Why is it weird? Tell me. Someone said, I agree. This is weird and toxic slash unhealthy for young minds. What are they talking about? Hello? Somebody said it's unhealthy for young minds?

Yes. that I posted this screenshot of someone else's Goodread's review. Who do they think? Where do they think they're on like a student portal? Dude,

I have no idea. Where are you getting this people? This is, but it's hilarious because it's like the Wild West because this is a new thing on Patreon. So it's like all these new people

who would never interact with our content. So I love it. So I'm having a blast. Anyway, Patreon.com slash beach susu-sandy. It doesn't even cost anything.

Watch us get bullied on there. I like this more made outfits just for fun. Honestly, this might be. our new thing is we just post stuff to rage bait random Patreon users. I mean, kind of.

Although, like, again, that was not what we did. Like, we just posted stuff about our show. Yeah. And I will say, I just had like a mental, like yesterday, I had a whole mental conversation and debate about the term rage bait because I'm so sick of people using it incorrectly.

Oh, yeah. Because originally it was like these creators who would create content that was clearly like they were doing things wrong. Yeah, yeah. They were pretending they weren't so that people would comment and would like get engagement. We're putting like 400 liquid IVs into a water to be like, this is how I hydrate. Yeah. Yeah.

And people would like rip their hair out and be like, yeah. Yeah. And they'd get all like mad. But like usually was actually like at least subtle. But now it's like if someone just doesn't like something, they'll be like this is rage bait. Yeah. It's not important. I have all these sometimes just these little particulars get in my head.

And sometimes I'm like, save it for Patreon. And he's like, no, the main feed must know about this. Everyone must know about this Just die already about Pete the Cat It's hilarious Do you even see what you screenshot What if you were like, no I don't

I responded too Oh you did what did you say? What did you say? I don't know I said nothing crazy Let me see Maybe it was crazy You should have said something crazy

I said hi Kaelin That's her name As the Post says It's a review of a Halloween children's book Specifically a review of Pete the Cat Five Little Pots pumpkins on Goodreads. We host a podcast where we read ridiculous reviews of things on the internet and we agree that this review is definitely a weird one. Thankfully, that's not a valid

reason to report something. Oh, I did see that. Well, you're way too nice. I know. I was trying to treat it like I'm a business on Google reviews. And then you would say like email us at customer service at outback.com. Yeah. I'll be better. I'll be better. How about everybody who's listening? That's how you should respond. Copy and paste like either a TGI Fridays or chilies or one cracker barrel and then just put like we're really concerned about your customer experience yeah email me here yes okay can't wait to see you all there all right bye bye Thank you.