Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 366: Reviews of Soup Recipes

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

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Wow. You said that like you were already at two and a half time speed. I know. when they listen to it, it's going to go, Blah-blah-lo-de-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl- Yeah, they're going to be like, oh, I got to slow it down. Oh, yeah, I'm Zandi. Hello.

Welcome to our show. What do you think about soup? I don't know. It's okay. I think that, you know, there are those people who, you know who you are. Just like, I love soup,

and they're just, like, always obsessed with soup. That's not me. But I appreciate a good soup. Are you? you're going to ask me what I think about soup? No, I thought you were just going to tell me. I don't like it and I don't want to talk about it, but too bad because we're here today to talk about soup. You don't like soup at all? I don't like soup. In fact, I find it a waste of space. I'm like the opposite of those people who make soup their personality. I think it's a...

I make hating soup my whole personality. Yeah. Well, that's going to be enjoyable for all of us. Isn't it fun? Although this is the first. year where I've thought to myself, I guess the soup's okay. And my mom doesn't believe me because she likes to make soup. And then she'll bring it over and I will get so. I will be like, I don't want that. And then Blaze will eat it. Typical your mom. Typical. And this year I was like, I'll try some. And she was like, what's wrong with you? And I was like, I don't know. I'm trying to expand my horizons and my palate. But by eating the soup that your mother made for you. Yeah. Well, you know as well as I do that sometimes she's creative with her recipes. And like,

If we're going to get creative, fine, but make sure there's noodles in it or something, you know. Okay. Oh, you're more of a chicken noodle soup for the soul kind of person. No, I don't want any soup. I mean like a pasta. Yeah. A food shouldn't be liquid. Food shouldn't be liquid.

No, it shouldn't be. Think about it for like half a second. I'm not going to think about it because that's not right. Here's what I'll say. Soup is a waste of everybody's time. and I'm going to just stand on that hill by myself because I know I'm the only one who doesn't like soup. I get it.

I know that about myself. No, someone else is going to comment like, oh, I feel so seen. Oh, my God. Someone else hates soup. And then two people will like it and then they'll find, they'll form a three-person bond and I'll join in. Yeah. No, I used to really despise it.

Now I'm more like, okay, I get why people like it. It's just not my thing. This is a, however, not an episode where we discuss, well, it is now, where we discuss. where we discuss our feelings on soup but mostly we came here today to read other people's opinions on soup which what a wild career we have saying that out loud really paints a picture we're here to read people's opinions on soup lots of them a lot of them um anything else we have to add before we just like dive on in well i like a tomato soup actually see i knew it like that's

a thing but that's the only one i'm not going to sit there and like if ever if i ever if i ever see a soup. I'm like, I love that. I'm going to get a soup, no matter what. Never. Like, soup of the day, fuck that. Also, I've been watching a lot of kitchen nightmares and sue of the day. Chowder? More like soup of the week. Yeah, seriously. You've got to change those out. Not that I go anywhere that has a soup of the day

or that I would ever order it. But come on, Gordon Ramsey's watching. That center gives a lot of constructive criticism to his local restaurants. Yeah. I don't go there because I don't leave my apartment, but I call it. No, you just check the menu online. Yeah. Yeah, no, what I would like to tell people, and I've got to, people have left comments, and I've got something to say to them to anyone who commented about the audio being different the last couple episodes after being edited, you're not wrong. So, yeah, sorry.

What happened? Well, our editor quit. I don't know if you remember that. Oh, yeah. I was like, where did we, what do we do? yeah what do we do what do you mean what does zandi do he edits himself and it's not as good to be fair she quit with love like of course oh yeah we love we adore her but she she didn't even quit like that sounds so dramatic she moved on to better a greener pastures and then she didn't die i know

that's what it sounds like and gave two weeks notice and edited two more episodes for us so i'm not complaining about her and then after those two weeks we were like oh now what and alex said, I guess I'll do it because we didn't really prep much beyond just letting her have two weeks notice. And she's on to bigger, better projects and things. I know, hard to believe that there's anything grander. Hard to believe that she's doing anything better. Hard to believe that there's anything grander than our show is what I was going to say. But, no, I can believe she's got lots of big, big plans out there. Until we figure something out. Sorry, until I figure something out, you're stuck with me so oh boy um yeah so we apologize for that even though i totally forgot it was a thing um

do you want me to read a review of creepy lentil vegetable soup i love lentil soup oh god of all soups i like lentil soup i have a can of it in my pantry i mean i like lentils well let's not talk about it what is your challenge for today reviews where someone drops something in a toilet yeah okay great so this is uh honestly it's a good match soup and toilets okay okay okay so this is uh honestly it's a good match soup and toilets. Okay. This is, what? Like what? Ashes, ashes, dust, dust, like everything returns to the toilet? No, it's just like, yeah, soup, toilet water, same difference.

I know I'm making people so mad. Okay. This is from Harmony, she hurt. It's of creamy lentil vegetable soup. This is a three-star comment on this website. The website itself is called budget bites.com. And we've got a three-star review here by BK. Leave out coconut milk, unnecessary. Also, more frugal and less calories. Actually, mushrooms are unnecessary, too. Makes a delicious soup even more frugal.

End of review. Okay. Mushrooms and frugality. Mushrooms of all the ingredients? Like, coconut milk, I guess. Okay, here's another response, or sorry, here's a response to that by Maria. Why not leave out the soup altogether? That's even more frugal.

Listen, I find the recipes on this site extremely helpful and well research, and it doesn't sit well with me that you come here, haven't made the soup, and still feel free to criticize it based on your own ideas. Not everyone counts calories, you know? End of view. And that's again, like the soup thing. I'm like, I want to eat like 8,000 calories.

Don't give me water. Don't give me liquid. I want soup. I mean, I don't want soup. I want food. You said it. I want food. Yeah, but there's calories in the suit.

Wait, what? Not if you take out the mushrooms. Oh, true. Yeah, all those calories. All those mushroom calories. The calories per cent spent. And then here's another, there are three more responses, but they're short. Here's one.

Thank God. Agreed. What is wrong with people? I use this site's recipes all the time. Keep up the great work. Holly says some of us need calories and like to eat delicious food. I've heard water is cheap and zero calories, though. And then finally we've got Janice.

Gosh, you sound like a really boring person who is missing out on the capital F, capital T, capital L, missing out on the finer things in life, the F-T-I-L. The F-T-I-L. Do you remember that phrase? Finer things in life, yeah, from the office. No, our stepmother would always say that. She would go, oh, you don't appreciate the finer things in life. She would always say that.

Oh, yeah. No, yeah, she would. Especially when I said things like, I don't like soup. Well, yeah, that's its own thing, too. Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah. She said it all the time. I should have said our stepmother. You're correct.

Gosh, you sound like a really boring person who is missing out on the finer things in life. Live a little and enjoy all the delicious things life has to offer. and maybe keep your opinions to yourself if they're all like this. End of them. Jeez. Okay. People are mad. So, yeah, you're right.

Soup people are crazy. I know it. They're defensive as fuck. I know it. And they're going to get so mad when I don't like soap. A soap. Soup. Are you okay?

I need to go to bed. No. I'm still a little bit ill. I've got a review from Andy. Andy sent it in. They then. This is actually a review of summer minestronee salad. Yuck.

This versatile dish can be featured as a starter aside or an entree, it says. No. Here we go. This is a one-star review. Strange recipe as written. It was more like a weird soup. I drained the liquid and added mayonnaise. Hubby gave it rave reviews.

End of review. I'm calling the police. I drained the liquid and added mayonnaise. Yeah. So it was like, oh, this is too much like soup. I'm going to drain. and make it like a salad, like an American salad. An American salad.

Oh, God, help us all. Okay. Yum. Oh, ow, that hurts my stomach. I drained it and added, drain the liquid. Okay, I can't think about it anymore. Yeah, explain yourself, soup people. Explain yourself.

Explain that. Well, it wasn't even a soup recipe, so this person who reviewed this, I think, seemed to be a soup hater. But this is a weird soup. Is it minestrone or minestrone? Isn't that a soup, though? Yeah, but you, so it says it's delicious served warm or cold, making it the perfect summer recipe using the minestrone.

Is it not minestrone? I don't know, Al. Minestroney soup mix you have in your pantry, so it uses the soup mix. Nobody has that. Don't act like that's a thing everyone has. Yeah, they definitely said that everyone has in their pantry. It says, oh, the thing you have in your pantry. I mean, who has that?

plenty of people nobody has that clearly this person next to their mayonnaise that's just sick okay here we go this is from sam he pronouns it's of a book called the soup book and it has over 700 recipes wow it's by chef louis p de goy and he was um apparently the waldorf astoria chef Cool. Which was like just Never mind. The one. The one?

The one. The one you're thinking of. I saw them on kitchen nightmares and hotel hell. Oh man. Well, probably because this is what the description is. The soup book, Master Chef Louis P. de Guy, presents outstanding recipes for almost every soup you could want. More than 700 in all. many are thick or thin others hot or cold taking hours to prepare or just minutes okay that's nothing

that means that's literally everything that's like saying they're good and bad and expensive and inexpensive now i need you to understand that this is one of the wildest books i've ever come across on amazon um here is a review by josiah and it'll give you kind of an understanding of what's happening here in this cookbook the type of This is a verified purchase, and Josiah's title is Weird Soups You'll Never Want to Make, comma, ever. I had high expectations for this book. They were all disappointed.

Many, many recipes using seafoods that are simply not available inland. I think maybe three quarters of the recipes are for seafood. There are fewer than a dozen using chicken, only four that use beef, counting the beef liver soup. Way too many soups are chilled or jellied and not something you'll use for a family. Do I want to contemplate cream of eel? No, I do not. What?

Cream of bread? Literally bread crusts and water. There's an entire chapter of nothing but opening cans of condensed soup, mixing different types together, and reconstituting them with alcohol. What? I feel like maybe he was at the Waldorf Astoria during the Cold War when there was like a bunker underneath it. He's like, I'll be creative. Yeah.

With all these, oh my God, with all these things. that are going to last 50 years? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, preservatives. Do you need five recipes for shrimp bisque? Because I don't. Nor do I need the multiples with only the slightest variations for so many other soups. A lot, a lot of the recipes he dates to medieval eras.

Hey, there's a reason why those recipes are not in use anymore, much of it having to do with disgusting ingredients and primitive methods that nobody today has either the tools or the time to try. I wish he had expounded on that because there is no more. And I don't know if that has more to do with like mixing the different soups together. But I just like what they did back in the day, they'd make take their minestronee soup mix and from the pantry. Yeah.

But like the fact that he says nobody has the tools to do what they did to how they made soup. I'm like what could that possibly mean? Like are they. Oh my God. What the fuck would they have possibly used? Like a mortar and pestle, you know, but like people have that. So I don't know. And as others have said, this is entirely in paragraph form,

not an easily usable cookbook with a list of ingredients followed by a method. God, no way. Honestly, that's the worst thing yet. Paragraph forms, you have to like, you're actually... I hadn't even clocked that. Reading a book. That's really rough. I enjoy reading a book, but not when it's about soup recipes.

700 of them. More than 700. And some of them are the same with one different ingredient. God, but at least some are interesting, like cream of eel. Yeah, medieval. Maybe they had, what were those things that, where they had spikes on them? And you swing it around. A flail, a maze.

I learned about a Polish Warhammer recently. That thing is crazy scary. Yeah, that's probably one of them. And then you get an eel. And you knock it out because those things, those things. Yeah, true. Maybe they used like leeches too, because that's how, you know. Oh, yum.

Cream of Leach. Pop it right off of your body after you're curing your ails. You can't tell me this is a normal thing. That soup is a normal thing. Think about it. Cream of leech. Are you serious right now? You can't say soup's not normal.

Look at this. Cream of eel. Like what? That's not how that works. Okay. So let's listen. That's like saying look look at look. Look at food is gross.

Look at this like jellied. I don't know. Look at the fuck those weirdos put in jelly back in the fucking 50s. Well, apparently there are like 50 to 100 jellied soup recipes in this book. That's disgusting. Yeah, it's horrid. Okay, there's more about the paragraphs. Some paragraphs fill an entire page and spill over to the next page.

You don't even have paragraph breaks to keep your place in preparation. What? I know, Alzer. This book is now really pissing me. Yeah, it's rough. I haven't yet found one recipe I would be in the remotest interested in making, not a single one. End of review. That's pretty hard to do.

That's impressive. Make a soup book of 700 soups. Yeah. That someone who presumably enjoys making and eating soup. They bought this in 2023, or at least wrote the review then. Well, it was written in like 1580s. Okay, fair. fair it was at least plagiarized from like an old pamphlet from the medieval era yeah right it was like

next to martin luther's thesis someone like oh my god that's right they nailed it up on the church door uh just said get a get an eel from the creek it's gonna be good i mean it just and the way it says like their mouth watering recipes i'm like that makes me mad because don't lie to me here here here now isn't it water it is with like pre-vomit okay ready here is uh here's the table of contents i'm just going to read to you um chapter three is chilled and jellied consums and soups chapter four is chilled hot and jellied beer fruit nut and wine soups hello this is not real that's not okay it's not okay and the fact that there's four four with beef in it out of 700 not that i even

eat that but like you know it's like like that bothered me and I'm like I wouldn't I don't eat chicken I don't eat beef but the fact that there are so few of those like right but then again it's like trying to prove you trying to prove that he's a chef from from the fucking Waldorf Astoria but like I believe you okay you don't need to prove it oh you oh you believe okay is this what fancy people eat though like would you go to the Waldorf Astoria and like order jelled eel soup like I don't know that just back in the 50s probably I don't Yeah, maybe he's really, really old, I don't know. Like, if you Google, like, 1950s...

Oh, I don't want to do that. Soup menu from Waldorf Astoria. That's horrid. That's just one big paragraph. It's just like a novel, yeah. It's a novel, yeah. It's a novel, yeah. 1950s, soup recipes, Waldorf.

Oh, wait, soup menu. Storia. I know that's a thing. 1949, here we go. I mean, literally listen to this. Cream of celery soup. Okay, that's normal, right? Navy bean soup.

This doesn't feel that weird. Here we go. Filet of soon. No, there's no excuse. There's no excuse. There's no excuse. Cream of mushroom. There's nothing weird here.

I'm mad now. Here, I've got one. I've got one. I've found one. Okay. This is at the Waldorf Astoria Roof Garden. um soups mutton broth scotch style that's one thing fish chowder uh um bool of smelts comma tartar sauce ah comma tartar sauce and then with the star next to it says half planked row shad

they're like we know what you're thinking like what is it first of all i don't know what many of these things are. None, no, that. You can't just put that in a book and make people make that. Literally halfway down says, Frog's Legs Sautee d-A-N-T-I-N-T-I-N. I don't know what that means. Fucking horrible.

I assume it's like all-a-mode with ice cream. All-a-mode, yeah. Or with mayonnaise or with tartar sauce, yeah, probably. But you can, like, they're literally, they're serving, you know, guinea hen. Uh-huh. Okay, so it is like old school, yeah, animal parts, I guess. Yeah, this is from 1917, by the way, actually.

Oh, geez. Okay, but see, even, it would be even outdated then. But again, like, we were talking medieval era. Oh, yeah, the Waldorf Astoria medieval era. So I think he was all over the place with this. Like, look at this. Here we go. Here's a menu from the Waldorf Astoria.

This one has duckling. You can buy, you can order duckling. That's nice. Duckling or a young gossling. Take a pick. Wow, that's tough choice. It is, right? There's a lot of types.

Quail mallard duck, redhead duck, canvasback duck, teal duck. That's how many types of duck they serve? It's a lot more. Yeah, a lot more of that. Yeah, and now they're all extinct probably. You can't tell me mallards are extinct. I'm no fool. No, you're right.

I just saw, I saw like the. prettiest group of mallards the other day. It's probably not a group. It's probably like a flock. A malaise of mallards or something like that. Okay. Oh my God, look, you could get lettuce. You can get cherry stones.

They have salad called Alexander salad. Nice. What if it has like a bunch of different types of ducks in it? It's just a combo of all the different. Wow, this is incredible. I mean, I love old menus, but, like, don't put it in a book in 2023, you know. I mean, I know that book wasn't written in 2023, but, like, don't play me for a fool. This book was written, by the way, this cookbook in 2018.

Like, it's not that old. That's not. Like, could I get eel? Could I go out and get eel in New York City? Definitely. I'm sure I could. But, like, huh? Like, what, like, what world are you making a thing of cream of eel?

For whom? Nobody wants that. guess it is one of 700 but it sounds like it's more than one sounds like there are probably many with eel like yeah you know it it feels like that kind of book so sounds like they're more with eel than with beef it is this is fun though looking at these old menus though fascinating yeah especially because it's all like this is 40 cents and probably at the time it's like so expensive yeah to like spend 40 cents it's like if you want to upgrade to a baby goose instead of a baby duck we're going to charge you an extra nickel

Have we talked about how we don't remember to cancel subscriptions? I can't remember. It's really funny that I can't remember, but I'm sure we haven't. So let's talk about it again. I often forget, and sometimes Rocket Money will email me and say, hey, just quick, friendly reminder. And I'm like, ah, cancel it. I forgot I paid for that.

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney. Go to RocketMoney.com slash beach today. That's rocketmoney.com slash beach. Rocketmoney.com slash beach. Extra Nicole. I'm moving on to something else. This is sent in by Taylor, she, her, who sent in a recipe. review of vegetarian peanut soup.

This West African peanut soup recipe is made with pantry staples and collard greens. It's a creamy, spicy, vegan soup that's easy to make on busy weeknights. Okay. Okay, here's what I'll say real quick. The first time I ever thought, wow, I love this soup, was when I went to Egypt. West Africa. Oh. Had lentil, red lentil soup.

And it was the best thing I've ever eaten. I ate it every single day. that was the only soup. I forgot to mention that. That was the only soup that really changed the game for me and I went, I could eat this all the time.

So I want to give credit where credit is due. That was fucking good. Great. I mean, okay, so shout out to the Waldorf Astoria, Cairo.

Yeah. Yeah, they also made a mean mallard, mallard salad. At least it was a mean one that they chose. Yeah, they did. He was nasty.

Very gamey. Oh, jeez. All that test. Astosterone. Ugh, God. Anyway, here's a review. It's a comment, so there's no, like, star rating. Here we go.

And I'd say it's, like, positive. You'll see. This is what Connie had to say. Made the West African peanut soup this morning. Prior to that, I made two cups of sugar water for my hummingbird feeder and set it on the counter to cool. As I finished adding veggies, I noticed that a measuring cup with two cups of water was still on the counter, so I quickly added it to my soup.

After the allotted time, I tasted the soup, which was extremely sweet. Added a bit of vinegar to cut the sweetness, checked to be sure my peanut butter was sugarless, and discovered my hummingbird water was gone. I am forever humbled, but we'll try it again tomorrow and pay attention this time. It did smell wonderful, and I'm sure when made minus hummingbird food, it will be delicious. Mine is humming. And now it's a very gamey hummingbird flavor. All the hummingbirds came and got cooked right into the soup. Altsander.

That seems like something I would do. Cook hummingbirds? No, but like put the hummingbird food into the soup. Yes. And then not understand what's wrong. Definitely would be A, making soup and B, making soup with a cup of hummingbird feed. But doesn't it feel like? If I were to do those things, it would be at the same time, and I would mess both of them up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let's move on from Cream of Eel, because this is really exciting. This is from Grapefruit Street, Sheeher, who wrote the email, Controversy in the Monastery Soup fandom, because we've got a book here on Amazon called 12 months of monastery soups. Dare I ask what a monastery soup is?

You do. I'm glad you dared, because you do have to look at the picture. of the cover of the book, and it really is troubling. This is a book by Brother Victor Antoine Davila La Tourette. Wow. And look at him. He's a little pervert. He's a little pervert.

Like, he has his little weird oval. Yeah, he's a little egghead in the corner with his, like, celery and garlic clothes. And he's probably like the nicest dude ever. I know. I say that with love, you know. I mean, he was the best selling author of from a monastery kitchen. As we all probably are familiar. This is some shit that our dad would like, I don't know.

He'd buy it for other people. Yeah, he wouldn't ever eat it or make it. But he would probably buy this. He loves anything with a monastery attached to it. Now, this is where we get confusing and why there's a bit of controversy, because I have two reviews back to back that say kind of opposite things. This is a two-star review by Joseph. Beware, meatless soups. I haven't tried any of the soups yet, so I'll reserve judgment, which is like not what you're doing, because it's like you're leaving a review, but whatever.

I haven't tried any of the soups yet, so I'll reserve judgment, but they are meatless soups. Except on Fridays in Lent, soups must have meat and plenty of it, or it isn't soup. I'm not a vegetarian. Say it ain't so. I don't believe it. Not a vegetarian, and I was disappointed in that the description did not spell that out. End of review. What, this person does not know what a soup is, I think.

Or a monastery, because, like, I don't think they're over there, like, making, you know. Cattle? Yeah, or, like, whatever the Waldorf Astoria eats. Like, he probably needs to get that other book, you know, with all the different birds and stuff. But then there's this. I'm just thinking about the whiplash. did you reading the Waldorf Astoria chef book reviews and now the monastery soup reviews. It didn't really sink in until now.

I know. And these ones are too vegetarian. And it's like, well, why? Okay. And then this is a review from Anon, one star. Not vegetarian. This is in the vegetarian cookbook section on Amazon.com. And it includes dead pigs, dead cows, dead chickens, dead fish, dead sheep.

Recipes. It's disgusting. A big disappointment. Very misleading. End of review. Because it said fucking idiot. Mark did his vegetarian reported or something. He's like, actually dead chickens don't count as meat, you know?

Yeah. Well, they don't have souls. So in the monastery, you know. True. And it feels like when you told our stepmom that you were vegetarian or vegan, she's like, I got you sushi since you don't eat meat. And we were like, oh. Yeah.

That's okay. That's sort of the vibe. She made me mac and cheese once. See? See? Now I was like, oh, I can't have that either. Oh, man. But yeah, so except on Fridays and Lent, as God has instructed.

Yeah. Then that's when I eat all my meat. Oh, wait. I do the opposite, yeah. Yeah. I'm vegan except for Fridays and Lent. Yeah. Because God demands it.

I have one here. This was sent in by Andy, another one from Andy. And this is a redemption of swamp. soup. Oh. And this is what Laurel Randolph, who wrote the recipe, said, I imagine it comes from a region with a swamp, but I can't swear to it. All I know is it's a perfect soup. I don't even know what's in the soup. My guess would be actually the opposite that it comes from a region without a swamp. And they're like, is this what a swamp is? You know? Yeah, that's actually probably, that's like what the Waldorf Astoria would have something like that. They'd be like, oh yes. And it's like

extra. It costs a lot. Down on the bayou swamp soup. And it's. Like, fucking... Freshly harvested. Yeah. Freshly harvested alligator. Or, like, algae. And alligator. Yeah, probably both.

You're right. And this was written on Simply Recipes. One of the things that is such a joy to be part of Simply Recipes is that the U.S. is a wonderful cross-section of so many societies that those of us foreigners, I'm in the UK, come across all sorts of things that we have never heard of. Here, it was Kielbasa. And Dittalana. Dittalana.

I don't know what the fuck. It's Dittalini is actually the pasta, but they spelled it wrong. But it's a little, little, I don't think I've seen these. They look like those, are they like Perler beads with the little tube? I don't, never mind. I have no idea of the words you're saying right now. I'm sorry. Okay, sorry.

He said that there's this pasta in here. Dittalini, he spelled it wrong, but Dittalini is a type of pasta. Okay. Are you familiar with purler beads? Like when you make, like when you iron, when you make those iron things? Okay, sure, yeah. Like the pasta literally looks like those. Okay, okay.

I get it. Anyway, it looks yummy. That's literally not relevant at all. Those do look yummy. If those were made of pasta, I would eat all of them. Right? That, it was a new thing for me too. So Rob and I, Rob here, who is writing this review.

Kielbasa I was familiar with. Also, neither of these things are American. But that's what his point is. Like, I love that. Yeah, okay, fair, fair, fair. But, like, they're both European, so that's why I'm like, huh. Anyway. It's just let him have it.

Here, it was kielbasa and did to Lana that sent me off to see what Mr. Google had to say. I'll never be educated, but I am slowly getting there. Oh, well, now that you've corrected his spelling aggressively on, in a public forum, maybe you'll learn a thing or two. Getting there. That's a thing. is like Rob understands that it's a journey and it's about the journey. Yeah, and sometimes people are going to call you out publicly

for saying things wrong. It's like literally your favorite pastime. Yeah, I know. Okay, this is actually the last thing I have because so many of mine were just like big groupings of comments, but it is a blog written by Brian Francis and it was sent in by Claire C, she, her, and it is called Best and Worst,

cream of mushroom soup. And just to like, here, I'll send you a picture of, like, this was written in January of 2024. And here's just the top of the page to give you an idea of, like, the aesthetic of it. He has kind of an array of different brands of cream of mushroom soup. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So we got Amy's, Campbell, Tim Horton.

Tim Horton sells. Okay. I guess so. and so Brian, you know, is doing the Lord's work, speaking of monasteries, and he's doing little reviews of all these different soups. So, Claire sent in a couple excerpts. Number four was no name, cream of mushroom condensed soup. Delightful.

Now, here is what Brian said. I didn't have any grand expectations for this brand. which is how you should approach most no-name products and life in general. The soup maintained its shape when it slid out. Oh. Yeah, these are the tasting notes. The tasting notes. The soup maintained its shape when it slid out, embedded can marks and all.

There were few mushroom pieces. The color reminded me of that putty used to seal holes in wood. It was thicker than some of the other brands, but also had a lumpy gelatinous texture that disturbed me. There was also a bit of heat to this, which also disturbed me. Verdict, I was disturbed. Now, this brand, a can of this soup, costs 69 cents, if you're interested, folks. And the only other one I have here is his final review.

He saved this one, Campbell's Condense Soup, Cream of Mushroom. Number 10, 99 cents. The OG that started it all. I saved this one for last as I was curious how it would stack up against the others. Would the cream queen hold on to her crown? Ew, okay. Okay. Not the cream queen.

Tasting notes. This was the color of polluted clouds. The taste wasn't bad. It was sort of nondescript and middle of the road. In other words, it had few redeeming qualities, which is what my mom used to say about me. Okay, these self-deprecating comments. Verdict. They're eating their tenth can of cream of mushroom soup.

I mean, you've got to feel shit about yourself at this point, yeah. Verdict, not the best, not the worst. Now this is the final note here. I'm sad to report that the majority of these soups did nothing to salvage the reputation of cream of mushroom soup. If I had to pick one that could stand on its own, I'd say Amy's, although it left a lingering onion taste, followed by ailmers. The rest I'm banishing to the toadstool forest with Campbell's non-condensed leading the fungi parade.

This all proves that the only place for cream of mushroom soup is in casseroles. And that's my final note for the day. Honestly, I agree. I mean, I don't want it in the, I don't want a casserole myself. Not a big casserole person. No, me neither. Probably because it's made a soup. Yeah, that makes sense.

But this reminded me, I was texting Stephen last night. And I was like getting home from my Thanksgiving journeys. and I was at the airport, and he messaged me a quote. It says, Campbell's condensed tomato soup is vegan, comma, made with no artificial colors. And he was like, does that mean artificial color? That's how it started. Okay, so he texted me about this soup he has, and he Googles it. And he goes on the, he finds on Campbell's Soup website.

a page specifically for their tomato soup that says features and benefits. Oh, no, see, this is what I'm saying. Soup, people are weird. Stop making soup more than what it is. It has five bullet points of features and benefits that Campbell's tomato soup has. Don't be ridiculous. And that's the only kind I even like. Okay, what are the benefits?

Give it to me. That's the thing is like, okay, well, that was one of them. Okay. What? Campbell's condensed tomato soup. is vegan, comma, made with no artificial color. What are you talking about? And then it says, crafted with 12 tomatoes in every can.

This soup is perfect to enjoy paired with crackers or topped with fresh parsley. That's a great feature slash benefit. These are just things. These are not, okay. A tasty addition to lunchtime that's ready in minutes. Just add water. Perfect for sipping soup on a chilly afternoon or sharing with loved ones. Don't start with me.

I'm getting mad now. And then the last one, a pantry staple that offers. is a quick and easy way to add flavor to meal time. Those are all the same things. Stop it. And they're all features and benefits. Now, what are the cons? Do they list those?

They did not. There wasn't F.A.Q. But we didn't go through that. Feels biased. Actually, no, there probably wasn't FACQ. I don't know. I didn't look. Anyway, but I'm going to move on to something that Mickey, they them, sent in.

And this is of a vegan French onion soup on veganhugs.com. And it says, a description says, this vegan French onion soup will make you cry happy tears. It's loaded with savory flavors from caramelized onions, broth-infused bread, and bubbly gooey cheese, in quotations. This is a five-star review. This soup is amazing. I don't even really like opinions, but this is amazing. I've made it about six times and won't stop. Thank you. See, that's what a soup person says. That's the kind of thing. I don't have opinions because I eat soup for a meal. Now I'm just bullying all of But what was funny, Mickey sent that in.

This person clearly, they meant to say they don't like onions, but they said opinions. Oh, I did not understand that. I literally thought they meant they don't have opinions. And I was like, I don't even like onions. And this is great. Soup is my whole personality. And it gave you a chance to bully them. Yep.

But Mickey said, oftentimes I will say, in my humble onion, and then said TM, TM, instead of the phrase in my humble opinion. So they particularly love that typo. Oh, I like it. Yeah. And also, yeah, the fact that they've made it six times and won't stop. They're like, you can't fucking stop me for making this. Nobody's trying to stop you.

Except for me with psychological warfare. But Mickey said, I don't trust this woman, so I used a different recipe. Hey, got a lover, but no, not going to go with it. And then said bisexual vegan supremacy. And I said, yes. I'm in my head I'm going to read that and I'll shout out to Castle

so hi Castle who's Castle they're mans oh god oh my God these suit people I'm telling you you suit people

I'm happy for you I'm glad you're happy you know what I mean I'm glad you're enjoying your onions or whatever Me too Who else is stressed for the holidays

Just me It's just you, Alexander. We're all just super chill over here. Yeah, I didn't hear anyone say anything, so that's okay, though. We were all still in shell shock from, like, how much is going on. It's December already. It came at us, and it's full frontal assault. Jesus.

Yeah, well, you know what the best line of defense for that is. Tell me. Soul. Soul. And if you're like, what? Soul? What is that? Oh, you better pay attention. Yeah, because Soul is a wellness brand that believes feeling good should be fun and easy. Soul specializes in delicious hemp-derived THC and CBD products designed to boost your mood and help you unwind.

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This is one that's going to kind of transition into our challenge for the day. This was sent in by a couple of onions, Elise and Matt. And here's a one-star review of a Panera bread in Chelmsford, Massachusetts. I had to Google how it was pronounced, and apparently there's one. in England that's pronounced with the kuh sound, I think. It's pronounced Worcestershire. Oh, okay. Never mind then.

I'm going to just read this Panera bread review. One star. Poorly prepared food. Flatblad. Flatblad. I didn't notice that until now. Flat flat. I literally read it as flat bread the first time.

Flatblad. Now suddenly I do trust their opinion, though. Why is that so funny? Flatblad. Okay. Flatblad was cold and undercooked. Sandwiches were sloppily made. Soup tasted like instant made soup, not authentic at all. Very poor experience.

An employee was cleaning the toilet without using gloves. Oh! Okay, wait. First of all, we say this all the time. Shoulda lead with that. Second of all, authentic to what? Authentic to other fast, casual dining spots? To, like, the soup made in St. Louis, Missouri when they started as the freaking St. Louis bread company?

What if they do a cream of bread soup? They probably do. I think they do have a new bread bowl there. Someone just texted me something about that. Why did that happen? Why does there's so much soup happening around me? It's really upsetting. Do you remember that girl who got fired early in the TikTok days when she,

posted the video of her squeezing the mac and cheese out of a plastic bag. Yeah. And everyone freaked the fuck out. And everyone was like, where do you think it comes from? Like, a big stove top? I don't know. But that's what they want you to think. It's great. Yeah. No, I don't know.

And I've watched a lot of kitchen nightmares. So even those like fancy ass places that are like authentic Italian, whatever, sorry, Italian restaurants are all over that show. And they're like, yeah, only the freshest ingredients. and it's all frozen.

Don't get me started. I've been obsessed. I watch one full episode on YouTube, and of course they uploaded all of their episodes to YouTube. So, like, every time it's like, Gordon spits out microwave food after throwing up everywhere. He's literally such a sucker for, sometimes Alexander will just read me the YouTube title,

the videos that come up on his feet, YouTube feed, and they're like, woman, shocked when daughter stabs her in the face. I'm like, what the fuck, Alexander? I know. I don't like it either. I don't like it either.

And she calls her a slur. And it's like, wait, what? What's happening? How much can you fit into one title? Too far. Now you're like, hmm, I need more of a reaction from these imaginary people. It's not a reaction. It's like, well, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like that, they're clearly misleading

you in some way. Or it's called clip bait. And it's, exactly. It's something. we need to be doing so okay here let's call this episode woman shocked when daughter stabs her in the eye and then calls her I really want to I really you know you shouldn't joke about that because after plants plants germination and whatever bullshit like I would seeds be careful I guess who's editing oh you don't even know no I don't know I don't even care frankly you don't

You don't. I know. We'll talk about it after. Here is a review. This is the start of my challenge, which was to find reviews. I don't even have that many, I think. I thought I had more. Nah, I have enough. You're fine. This was sent in by hope. You didn't even finish what the challenge is. You said it's people who, and then you stopped having to. Yeah. Let's move on. This is important. It's really relevant to our lives. I know. Hey, my bad. My bad.

Alexander dropped lots of things in the toilet, and so, and I continue to do so. Yeah, I, a few weeks ago, I dropped my vape into the toilet, and I had, and then I cried. And then you put it right back in your mouth. I didn't. Unfortunately, I mean, fortunately, I didn't trash. Unfortunately, I'm not that disgusting. I've also dropped a pen, but it was my green pen when I was little, and then it came back, and I was so happy that it came back days later. Like, what do you mean?

Like, just explain, because, like, I know what happened? And what do you mean? So I had a habit of dropping things into a specific toilet. I don't know. Okay, I've done it since because I've dropped. The second floor toilet on Wolper Avenue. Yeah. And one of them was my favorite green pen.

One of them was woofie. Oh, he's, I see him over there. My favorite stuffed animal because I was like throwing him up in the air. In the bathroom. But I dropped my favorite green pen. It was just a, it was a nice pen. It was like a gel pen. It wasn't like a gel pen.

No, no, not a gel pen, but it was like a clicky, just like a... It wasn't clicky. See, Christina, I think you need to stop. I thought it was clicky. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it had a cap. But whatever. I dropped it in there. It disappeared. No, it probably was clicky. You're right. I'm just mad at you. And... What, you flushed it?

I don't remember. I don't know. That's why I want you to explain. I don't remember, but I remember it, it was gone. I either flushed it or it went in. I've got these, like, little pucks for cleaning the toilet. Sometimes I drop it in the right way. It goes in and goes whoop and it goes right out. And I'm like, fuck, and I have to use another one.

It pisses me out so bad that now I'm like, I'm so careful with my stupid little, not stupid. Well, are they even a sponsor right now? Are my Blue Land like things? Well, he also, like, throws them up in the air like he used to do a stuffed animal. And it's like, stop playing around in the bathroom. I do. Put it right in my mouth after it drip falls in. Stop. So the toilet swallowed the pen. Yeah. And then, um, days later, I go in there and it's just floating in there.

Like it came back. How disgusting that it like, how many people use that bathroom in that period of time? It makes me want to die. 70. We had a huge, huge party. And it was just. I counted. Yep. 70. The pen also, it looked at. That pen just came right back up.

And then he took it out. It kept using it. Yeah. And he brought it to school. Well, the 70th, it was 69. The 70th was me. And after I used it, I saw the pen and grabbed it. It's horrible, you guys.

It's horrible. No, I did. Yeah, I did continue to use it after the fact because it did continue to work. So who am I to deny this pen? It's right to write. It's really important. Horrible. Go on. So here's a review sent in by Hope.

She heard of the Apple store at the fashion mall at Keystone in Indianapolis. Okay. This is written over 13 years ago. Has it even possible to say enough good things about this place? I think not. I dropped my beloved iPhone in a toilet a week ago. Tried the putting it in Rice Trick for a couple days and found that it would come on but wouldn't hold on charge. as well as having some other little quirks.

I'm very aware that even though I have the extended Apple care warranty, Apple doesn't cover accidental damage, especially water damage, so needless to say I was devastated. But I figured what the heck, might as well go see what they can do for me. At my appointment, I said that my phone wouldn't keep a charge. Nothing about water. I didn't have high hopes because I know the phones have sensors that say they've been exposed to water. But to my shock and amazement, after trying a few things,

the associate I was working with said there seemed to be some. some mechanical malfunction, and they'd be happy to replace my phone free of charge. What? She didn't even ask me if I had dropped it or put it in water or anything. I was so thrilled I could have kissed her. As far as the reviews that say this place is always horribly busy? Yes, that's very true. But it's also the only Apple store in Indianapolis, so what do you expect?

And even though it's busy, you never have to wait on getting help. Never. The employees are always nice and super helpful, and seriously, this is the greatest place on Earth. End of review. Again, over 13 years ago, this was written. Wow, remember how devastating it was when your iPhone got wet back in those days? I don't think I owned one yet. Maybe I did.

But, like, it was really a problem if it got wet because they were not resistant to water. But to get it in the toilet and then be like, let's see if they notice. And then they're like, the strangest thing, it's filled with piss. And we don't know why. And it can't be your fault. So we're going to fix it free of charge. It sounds like the employee made a mistake. For sure, yeah.

It sounds like the employee didn't check properly. Check the water sensor thing. Yeah. Like that's my assumption here. I dropped my phone in so many toilets over the years that like I remember those little sensors, those stickers. Yeah. I mean, it's like, trust me, I don't think, I want, Apple wants every reason not to give you a replacement. So this employee probably fucked up.

I know. So it's probably, I mean, no wonder it's a five star. I would have given a five star too. I'd be thrilled. And that's also why I keep saying it was over 13 years ago. because I feel like people are like going to this Apple store. That place is sucks. Or they have like 10 of them now in Indianapolis.

I'm sure there are more, yeah. 30. They're 30. 30. phones are now more urine resistant than ever. Yes. Andy, who is crawling all over this episode, rightfully so. Yuck.

Sent in a review of sleep phones. What? Sleep phones? What's that? Yeah, like headphones for sleeping? Yeah, really nice. Thanks. It's called basic deductive reasoning.

Sorry, I even questioned you. Sleep phones. I would tell you what their discount is right now, but they're not paying me, so I'm not. But they have one. But yeah, they're basically... Oh, I used to have these sort of things, yeah. Yeah, you've had some, like it. They're headphones for sleeping.

Well, you know I have my sleep goggles now. Yes, I do know, and I've seen it. Bluetooth sleep goggles. They keep everyone else awake because of their ear. Greek low. Oh, do they? Yep. This is a five-star review of these sleep phones.

Here we go. Okay, I don't usually write reviews, but I want people to know that I drop my sleep phone in the toilet. I can't recommend you try this. I want people to know that after I dried it. It worked fine. End of review. And then there's a little label. There's a little label underneath that says,

unprompted review unprompted I like that the sleep phone people were like we actually we tried to block this one from appearing on the website but the law says it has to be allowed and we swear we didn't ask them to write this

we don't recommend doing this thing that he did and then putting it on your eyes and ears and face I say this with judgment but like I'm telling you I've dropped so many damn things in the toilet over the years it's like not even funny oh yeah i don't judge anyone for this because i continue to do it what did i drop something recently and i was like i just remember just being like so just done with myself i mean i feel that way pretty much every day

they fall out or my sweatpants pockets when i pee and then it's like shit see i don't do that i i'm playing in there i don't want to know that with my stuffed animals I'm all business in there. Yeah, you are. Whenever we share a hotel room with such a fucking pain in the ass, I'm like, I want to play in there, and she's like, I'm conducting business. I'm on a conference call!

She calls it that whenever she... That's number two. Don't start with me, Alexander. Oh, boy, what did I draw? I dropped something weird in there. I just dropped my vape the other day. It was horrible. I had to throw it out.

It was like brand new. That sucks. No, it wasn't anything with electronics. Oh, wait, it was yours. It was the one you left here. Oh, good. I just remembered that. It was that blue one you left here. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Wait, that one. Okay. That's fine. I don't remember. That's fine. It's okay. I've got one more thing, and I'm calling it a thing because this is a Q&A that I found, but I couldn't find the actual product because it does not exist anymore. And all of these responses say one decade ago, and I believe that's a minimum. Oh, wow. I believe that's a minimum, yeah.

So this is, the question is, is the same as 520NV question mark? And based on the responses, I believe this is a cell phone battery, like an old cell phone battery. I don't know which one this is of, but the 520 NV is a type of battery for certain cell phones. And there's a 520B or something else. I don't know. Anyway, here is what Pat has to say. So this is just like an Amazon question thing, like a, question for this product of your of my of your i was like mine my 520 envy no okay of your of

of ancient yore of your yes of medieval days yep pat says my phone is working well with a new battery i accidentally dropped it in the toilet on the way to louiston idaho and couldn't get a battery locally hope this helps you as i'm not good with electronics they've passed me by and Oh my god, no I hope you've caught up Because things have really changed Since those old phone batteries Also like on the way

I'll Lewiston Idaho I was on the train I was on the I mean wow On the railway It's these people getting like An email or something saying like Oh this person asked a question And they think it's directed at them

But it's actually just About a product they've purchased It's my favorite Because people are like Wow how thoughtful of you to ask me And it's like Yeah and Carol originally asked a question And I only know that because of this other answer.

That's not related to the challenge. Dear Carol, I don't know. I tried to find out if it was online, but I cannot be 100% positive. Sorry I couldn't be of more service to you. End of response. Aw, back when people really wanted to help each other. That was by NYC teacher. Aw.

Yeah. And then someone else said, I don't know. People are doing so funny. I don't know. My favorite is when they're like. responses are so funny. Do you remember what people would get mad when they'd be, there were some, I remember reading years ago where people would be like, how did you get my email? And it's like, no what? That's not. All the time on Google Maps where people are like, stop tracking me. Stop, stop. I wasn't actually there. I was next door. Hey, stop it. I was in Lewiston, Idaho. I was on my way to Lewis to Idaho. I was 500 V battery. Oh, man. Wow. Remember when that was like a novelty to have Amazon? You were like, I'm in Lewiston, Idaho. Where will, like, get a phone battery. Oh, the internet. It's crazy. Fascinating. Fascinating is right.

Wow. Alexander, that was a really good challenge. Yeah, I wish I had more. I don't know. That's okay. I think we've shared enough for today. I did get to talk about my own experience and you got to talk about your own experience. And it was a privilege, yeah. I just wish I knew what I dropped in there. You'll remember. I will and I'll probably drop something else in the meantime. I'm going to look at this menu real quick, because this is a good one. This one, oh, Eating History Group on Facebook. Supper, 1912 at the Waldorf Astoria. Are you ready?

Yeah. Canadian melon is the first. What? Crab flake cocktail. Oh. Oh, this is good. Pickled lamb's tongue. Oh.

Yeah, these are some wild choices here. But then again, the soup is normal. Chicken broth, clam soup. That's not, that's not normal. It's more normal than, like, cream of eel or whatever the fuck. Well, yeah, that's pretty hard to beat, though. I know. Deviled kidneys.

What? What? This is from 1912. Oh, kidney beans? Deviled kidneys. Who's kidneys? That's under hot. That's under hot?

Yeah. Yeah. And that is 70 whole sense, which is like a lot. Wow. But it's less than the broiled mushrooms, which is crazy. That is crazy. What about the price per calorie for those mushrooms? Good point.

Good point. Should we ask if they have coconut milk? Any milk alternatives? Christina, do you know that a can of coconut milk back then was like five whole cents? That's a lot. Alexander, that can't be true. It is. Well, they had to import it.

It is. From the swamp plants. Too-D-Fruity is one of the desserts. Yum. I hate when they make stuff up and they're like, it's so cute. Just eat it. And you're like, what is it? It's all like gelatin.

Yeah, they're like, sweet bread. It sounds good, right? And you're like, what is it? And they're like, it's guts and brains. And you're like, wait, you can't do that. That's not fair. Yeah, I don't want to know what Tudy-Fruity is. I have a bad feeling about it.

But it's just really. That was my nickname. I mean, both of those separately were my nickname. game in high school. They called me Tootie and they called me fruity. Never together. We tried to make a stick but it didn't work, man. Well, thanks everyone for being here.

What a fun time. We appreciate your patronage. Thank you for being part of our show. And I'm sorry that I bullied all of you. I think I'm extra defensive because this is the first year of my life that I enjoyed a soup. And it was a really, it's just like a difficult. shift for me personality-wise to go from like soup hating to like soup loving and so I'm having a lot of difficulty navigating that path and I thank you for your patience everyone as I kind of

surmount some of these obstacles yes yes thank you everyone for that thanks for your patience as as I surmount the obstacles of editing this fucking podcast that I'm about to do because this episode is due tonight so yeah yeah so if you're wondering When we record this one, it was yesterday. Today. Oh, yesterday. I was like, no, Auxner, it's still today. I need to go to bed.

Really, I do. Okay. Good night. See you later. Thank you.