Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 369: Reviews of Mall Santas

Episode Date: December 24, 2025

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please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach 2 Sandy Water Toet. This is a podcast where we read the worst reviews of the most dramatic fashion. My name is Zandi. My name is Christine.

I'm curious about, I know we said dramatic fashion, but you really are sort of in a darkened corner of your apartment. You look spooky today. Thank you. Thank you. I'm feeling spooky today. So I thought I'd match the vibe on camera. I meant to put parentheses derogatory after what I said, but I forgot.

Oh, well, I, it was implied. Okay, got it. Just making sure. Yeah, you okay over there? Just making sure you're, uh, no, okay, got it. So it's super cool. Okay. I'm glad you're here, though, even in your darkened shadows, metaphorically and otherwise.

We're discussing a very important topic today, the topic of malls. Santas, which I know we've done before, but was worth a revisit. Yeah, I remember there was that whole like, well, the turn out the light one. The turn out the light one. Oh, was that a different mall thing? It was like. That sounds like the back rooms or whatever we're here in. The last one out, turn out the light.

Oh, that was, um, that was a coals, yeah, that was a, that was a shopping mall, not really anything about Santa, but there was that, um, that ebook, that smut. Remember, there was a lot of mall Santa smut. Oh, there was. I remember where... This is so sick. I remember where I was sitting. It was over in that corner, and I remember being in my own corner and thinking, I can't

believe I'm saying this for my job. Some of them all Santas stuff. I don't know why I don't remember that. That's weird. Yeah. You know, it's really sick if none of this is true, and it's just something I've invented in my subconscious. Probably.

Yeah, I feel like that might be possible as well. But your own fan fiction about us recording. I mean, wow. At least I could make the e-book that doesn't yet exist, you know. That would be really inspired, I think. Anyway, let's talk about Mall Santas, Alexander. Do you want to go first or do you want me to? Sure.

I've got something here from Tina who sent in, well, it's a Facebook post, but it's quite the review of the Mall Santa at Baybrook Mall in Friendswood, Texas. and Deborah, so the mall posted about the Mall Santa being there, a cute little picture of the Mall Santa with a dog. Okay. And then Deborah had this to say, most horrible experience. I agree with the bad reviews on the Santa photo area. We had the worst experience ever and was even threatened by the photographer in front of my four-year-old grandchild. We went to Baybrook Mall to take a photo with Santa.

We walked up to the photo counter trying to get information and waited for several minutes trying to get an employee to acknowledge our presence as they were too busy chatting. I noticed there was absolutely no line in front of Santa, so I took my shy four-year-old to Santa. He spent about five minutes talking to her until she finally sat in his lap for her picture. I then turned to move away so the photographer could take the picture. And then shockingly, the loud, rude, out-of-order photographer, short, thin, odd-looking girl, thin hair, pulled in a ponytail with excessive body piercings, walked up to us with Santa. She started screaming, get to the back of the line. Oh, no.

There was no obvious line and no one in line. I tried to explain that it took five minutes to get my very shy grandchild in Santa's lap, and she screamed, which I'm like, why would she care? What the fuck kind of weird explanation is that? Also, like, don't say that in front of your grandchild that's only going to make the shyness worse. humiliating them on the spot while they're sitting on Santa's lap like a grown man's lap.

This bitch took five minutes to get on that lap and you're not even going to take a photo. Of that random old man into a mall in Texas? Oh my God. This poor child. I tried to explain that it took five minutes to get my very shy grandchild in Santa's lap

and she screamed, if you don't get to the back of the line, I'm calling security. I could not believe my ears and eyes. Then when I didn't immediately jerk my grandchild up, She screamed again, I'm calling security, and no picture with Santa. She's like trying to take subtle photos. Like, okay, I'll get them off the lap.

Smile. Yeah, for sure. A magical moment with my grandchild turned into a nightmare. The photographer screamed, all right, you are not getting a picture with Santa at all. Since I had my four-year-old grandchild with me who I had promised a picture with Santa, I then moved to find an entrance with only one person in line that obviously arrived much after I did. This was nothing more than a mean mentally challenged person with a power struggle unfortunately, placed in an atmosphere with children, a complete no-no. There was never a line,

but one person walked up right before me when I actually found the entrance that the crazy girl was talking about. She said she needed my information, which was my name. I advise you to go somewhere else for your Santa picture. In closing, I spoke with mall security on the way out of the mall. me that they had several complaints on this lady and my complaint will most likely remove her from the premises. Quote, it will nail the coffin closed. I sincerely

hope that Baybrook Mall gets this issue corrected. This girl needs to go. And for me. Holy shit, dude. Have like a little fucking respect, man. For manners, at the very least. Jesus.

It's like hard to take these stories seriously and be on their side when they're so aggressive and name calling and very mean oh this was actually pretty satisfying yesterday something came across my Facebook feed I don't know why I was on Facebook in the first place big mistake but I was on there and this woman had posted in some local Cincinnati group like don't go to this restaurant and I read the text between this woman and the owner of the restaurant and I was horrified and I was like oh this has like hundreds or thousands of like reactions and comments and I clicked in the comments and everyone was like, why would you ever speak to somebody like this? Like you're like I'm, we're all going to this restaurant tomorrow. And it was insane. And I was like, thank God, there's a little bit of humanity left. But the people that tell on themselves like that, it's so wild to me. What are you thinking? Yeah. What are you thinking? Yeah. You really think people are going to be on your side because the people probably like closest to you are on your side because you're a bunch of assholes. I don't know. Yeah. You and your friends kind of suck. Um,

oh my god it was crazy anyway uh yes yes that whole situation feels alarming and upsetting can you imagine being the parent and then grandma and your four-year-old get or whatever get home from the mall in tears and like oh and you just know something went terribly wrong because you know your mother you know and it's like what could she what could you have done um this time and your grandchild that's not even shy but is only a shy around grandma who's fucking crazy doesn't want to sit on an old man's lap because he has, you know, some self-preservation instincts. Yeah, wow, that's pretty bad shit. Okay, this was sent in by Michelle She-Her,

and it is a one-star review of a mall, you know, somewhere far away. Nice. Yeah. A very disappointing experience all around. We have been to many Santa experiences, and this one really let us down. We had very high expectations, as I brought up. believe they put more effort and time into asking influencers to come and post on Instagram over staff training. Can you imagine if they had the budget to pay influencers? These malls barely have the budget. It wasn't even that they're paying them. It's that they're like, what are they

doing? Oh, they're asking them to come and post on Instagram. So they're spending their budget on DMing influencers. Yeah, the intern is just DMing their favorite influencers. Like, can you come to my mall? Listen, not that I have any sort of influencer, but I do have a blue check mark. And if the Kenwood Town Center asked me to post, I would absolutely go do it just for kicks. I bet you would. I bet you I'm such a sellout to only the Kenwood Mall. Our group was very overcrowded for the size of the rooms. When you were in each area, you can hear everything happening in the next room.

Mrs. Claus cookie decorating experience was so disappointing. And something a nine-year-old was really-old. Hold on, hold on. Was that one thing, the Mrs. Claus cookie decorating experience? Yeah, I think so. Okay, there was a bit of a pause. you see you can hear everything in the other room, Mrs. Clause. Okay, I have to admit.

What is she doing? I knew you picked up on that because as I was reading it, I thought it was like Mrs. Clause was doing something. I really did think that that's where we were going also, so I phrased it that way. I apologize. It is apparently, it's confusing because certain words are capitalized, certain words are not, but you can hear everything happening in the next room, Mrs. Clause's cookie decorating experience.

Just the word experience is capitalized. I don't know why, but that would be really funny to me. And all the other words in this entire review are somehow the name of the experience. Oh, God, terrible. Okay. Mrs. Claus' cookie decorating experience was so disappointing and something a nine-year-old was really looking forward to. Mrs. Claus never spoke to the children, and the elf rushed them to go skiing around the room. So pointless.

Like, hello? Skiing? Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. It's just skiing around the room. Pointless. The children wanted more time to finish and taste their cookies, but whatever time they had to decorate with watery icing,

the cookies were then ruined when stuffed in a bag. I only had hopes that Santa would make things a little magical, but those hopes were dashed when we entered Santa's room. He looked like a nice Santa, but obviously didn't read any of the information prior to our visit. He read from a white A4 page that was typed. I think the idea was to pretend it was a book.

What? It's just a preser printer paper and he has like he like folded it to pretend it's like his big Santa book of I don't know of kids

which is so creepy So he brings a print out of kids Officer Igenic's Ask them to sit on his lap Yeah it's all troubling right Okay this is so rough Alex Taylor and you have to you have to tell me who you know yet what's on the printout.

I'm like kind of confused. Yes. No, we don't know yet. We don't know yet. Sorry. You're about to find out. And also, I want you to tell me who this room, who you think of when I read the next joke. It's not a joke.

It's very serious. The next line. He read from a white A4 page that was typed. I think the idea was to pretend it was a book. I don't know what the point was of giving him secret messages. I don't know what the point was of giving him the secret about our children. What?

Why would you... No, you can't say that. I don't know the point either. I don't think anyone would know the point of that. This is so troubling because listen to this. I don't know what the point was of giving him secret messages or telling teachers' names as they weren't even mentioned. So now this guy has a list of all these children's teachers and secrets about them, secret messages, and he just didn't use them and he has it printed out in his pocket.

He might have used them. We just don't know for what. Okay, but not right. Not to any knowledge of the parent. This is like not great. Okay. Wow. Yeah, it's rough.

One child in our group left thinking she was one child in our group left thinking she was on the naughty list because all. All Santa said to her was, oh, you broke your arm this year? Well, you might want to ask his child why they think they're on the naughty list. Did they do something like before breaking the arm? Like, were they breaking some sort of rule? You know what I mean? Yeah. They were like, you should see the other kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows? One child in our group left thinking she was on the non. Nautilus because all Santa said to her was, oh, you broke your arm this year. And by the way, the person I was thinking of course. I see I, so you're thinking, because he was on the naughty list that year. You said that well before the broken arm person. So I was like, who am I trying to think of? Sorry, I meant I did mean the broken arm person, but I said that before like the secret messages to Santa and the teachers and I was like, I don't know who this is supposed to

remind me of. I had concrete plans to read all of that without breaking once. And I failed miserably. So it took me a lot longer to get to the broken arm than I expected. And I apologize. But that is the line I meant that was coming up next. Okay. So yeah, you're on the naughty list. Carl was on the naughty list for sure. Big time. And then he broke his other arm. I mean, he's been in trouble ever since, you know? Yeah. Okay. You broke your arm this year. His hat fell off a number of times. And at one point, he loudly said, Jesus Christ. while you're trying to keep it on. With children age 9 to 11,

you really want to try and keep the magic alive, but the kids left with more questions that would make you think it helped them not to believe. Why would Santa say Jesus Christ? Santa didn't even know our names. How did he get that white printed sheet? He doesn't know their names, but he knows their secrets. Their secrets.

He has their secret somewhere. Oh, Mary, I know he didn't know your name, But at least he knew that you have an addiction of bubblegum. I don't know. That's your big secret. Speaking from experience? That time you won that lifetime supply. I think that is what I was thinking of because I'm so embarrassed about that whole thing

because I wouldn't let anyone happen. Yeah. You needed to save it for your whole lifetime. Yeah. Jeremy Neutron, Paul. That was pretty cool. Okay. Why would Santa say Jesus Christ?

Santa didn't even know our names. How did he get that printed white sheet? A real shame as we were all so excited. Adults included. End of review. All done. Wow. How did he get that printout of our teacher's names and all our interests and hobbies?

Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, obviously, okay, not obvious, I guess. But, like, my thought is it's some miscommunication. under, over-promising the situation, but yeah, it, when you have, like, little kids involved and, like, a man, a bearded man that they sit on, like, it's, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little sensitive sometimes. I would say it's a little sensitive. It puts up a little bit of a, um, a warning flare at the very least. And it's like a thankless job for these

Santa. You know, like, I'm 99.999% are like probably, if not, I don't know, are like doing it for very good reasons, very positive. I would hope so. Yeah, yeah. I would hope at least. But yeah, it's, if you hear this and you're like, yeah, I don't think the Santa's evil or anything. But like, why is it set up this way? Yeah, on that printed paper, it looks mighty odd, you know. It just doesn't look great. Oh, boy. Here's something a little different. This is sent in by Sam, he, him, who sent in a review of Parkplace Mall in Tucson, Arizona. This is a one-star review.

The management office left sparkly reserved for Santa signs up from Christmas. I parked in one, assuming Santa had long since left town. A woman from the office approached my car, tapped the window, scared my teenage children, demanding they move the car. when I arrived the police explained that they were reserved for them when I called to express my concerns over the unclear signs from a customer perspective the woman who harassed my children from management office admitted that they should have been removed but she was rude and flippant nonetheless when I asked for her name she hung up on me end of review oh Alexinner wow you know you said it's a thankless job but they get this dedicated police zone parking spot police park The Santa Claus gets that. I mean, that's, like, well past Christmas. I smell like something rotten here.

This feels like it feels like collusion of some sort. Probably not. I mean, probably, yeah. The police show up and they're like, we're supposed to park here. It's like, sorry, it says Santa Claus. Yeah. What a... It's like May and the Santa still has to show up dressed.

Otherwise, no reason. Yeah, the cop just started wearing, like, a Santa hat to work. All right, let's see what I have next. This was also sent in by Michelle. It is a one-star review. Also, sorry, I want to, I can't get past this because, first of all, just leave it for Santa all year round, if anything, because the fucking police, I don't get it. The police parking spots, it's bullshit because police park wherever the fuck they want.

What was the, all the fucking time on the fucking sidewalks? Why do they need to preserve parking spots? What is the location of this? Tucson, Arizona. But is it like a mall or something? It's a mall. Yeah, the episode's Mall Santas. I'm aware, but you just were talking about, I didn't know if it was like a police station

where they have a Santa for kids. Well, sometimes fire departments and stuff do like volunteer Santa pictures, okay? I read about this. Okay, so yeah, this person pulls up to the police station like, they've got the reserve for Santa sign here at the police station. I'm just going to part here because there's no way. I do like that he said my teenage children to make sure people weren't like, you left your kids in the car.

Yeah, that's true. I'm still kind of wondering. Like, I'm still confused about how the police showed up. I think what he said is I parked there, went in to do something at the mall, and like the cop showed up and demanded that my kids move the car. And when I came back, the police were there. Like he left the kids in the car or they left the kids. Oh, maybe, yeah.

Regardless, yeah. You're like, oh, this is a part reserved for Santa. Kids wait here. Like, what? Yeah. Kids, I'm sure nothing will go wrong if the police arrive don't roll the window down. Oh, my God. So this was also sent in by Michelle.

This is a one-star review by a local guide. Santa in a hotel bedroom? And very obviously, it's a bedroom. Yeah. Okay, things are getting more troubling by the moment. How the hell? What the fuck did you find? I mean, it was Michelle's fault.

The whole thing is about Santa, and considering what you're paying for, I'd expect more than just presents strewn all over the bed and a Christmas tree. I don't know, Alexander. Sounds like he was waiting for Mrs. Claus. He's like, you shouldn't be in here. Okay, you don't have to do the voice. Uh-uh. Train ride was okay, but there were no lights or anything to see. I'm sorry.

Train ride is okay, but there were no lights or anything to see on the way to Santa's house. Even the kids commented on this too. Kids very disappointed at Smurf zone. Okay. Whoa. I hadn't quite read that far. I'm sorry. What is this a review of?

It doesn't say. What? Okay, let me, please hold. Okay, it's of Santa's House Express. Express. What, is it the Holiday Inn Express or something? It's in Ireland, so I don't know what they're up to over there. Oh, it's a cultural thing.

It's a cultural. We're so, what's wrong with us? You join Santa in bed when you tell them you're in the hotel bed. You crawl into bed and pick your present. Um Jesus Christ Oh no Kids very

Kids very disappointed at Smurf Zone Two serfs A quick dance A few mushrooms This is going on Kids Very disappointed at Smurf zone

Two surfs A quick dance A few mushrooms And two giant connect four games. A free hot drink voucher for the parents would have helped. And although the kids got a voucher for the carousel, parents get nothing for what they pay. The whole thing needs a lot more effort. End of review. It needs to be shut down. This is a disaster. Yeah. Two surfs two surfs. Two giant connect four. I love it. They're like, let's just do a second connect

four. Not giant, yeah, jenga. Well, they come in packs of two from Costco, I think. Is that what that is? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The fuck is happening in Ireland. I don't know, Michelle. Tell us what's going on. We're scared.

Well, she did say come enjoy tour in Dublin, Ireland sometimes. So maybe we'll find out. No. No, I don't want to. You're not even a little curious? I was curious until that. Okay, fair. I don't want to get in the Santa's hotel bed.

Oh, boy. here I have got something sent in by Jenny she her who sent in a review she had sent in a couple things from about Portland Santas are you familiar with a hipster Santa yeah yeah ish so there's a hipster Santa in Portland who unfortunately now works the suburbs instead of downtown because the mall downtown was like we don't need Santas anymore and so he's like well fine I'll go to malls elsewhere in the suburbs. It's like an MLM now, like an door-to-door Avon lady. Exactly. Yeah. Nailed it. But he has naughty and nice on his forearms.

So, like, I saw one person complain. They were like, yeah, I saw him and he didn't have his sleeves rolled up. So I didn't even notice that he was a hipster. But the whole point is like... He was just wearing a normal flannel. He was just looking like, yeah, he looked like everyone else in Portland. Yeah. But yeah, apparently it was like naughty and nice tattooed on him.

This feels like, this feels like that thing I was telling you about that, sorry, that sounded weird, that smut, that e-book smut. Oh, yeah. Honestly, yeah. I'm really, I'm like actually really afraid that I'm going to look later and there's nothing that we did. And I've just, no, there's something. I mean, I feel like we've covered most professions in smut. Like, there's something. Yeah, okay. I'm hoping maybe it was just Patreon. I don't know.

Oh, yeah, that could be. I don't know, but I don't remember. Duh. Whatever. So someone posted on Our Ask Portland, Where is the Best Santa? And they started off with FTM. What does that mean to you? First time, mom. Man, I have never heard that in my life. I knew, I figured you would have, I don't know. I'll say, someday. Someday, you will.

Well, and you're a first time mom. No, thank you. Well, my thing, FTM, I was like, oh, female to male. Like, is someone who transitioned? It was like my, you know, like, what a bizarre, like, I guess if they want to. It's in the context of a mall Santa immediately, I sort of knew what was happening. Yeah, with the context, it makes sense for sure. But my brain is like, what?

Depending on context, I would agree with you, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so they said, Ftm and wondering what mall slash event has a best Santa for pictures with kids by best i mean legit beard venue has decor that doesn't look cheap jovial persona belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly well bonus points for any other wrecks for holiday activities that an infant slash toddler would enjoy i hear there's a great surf surf surf experience surf smurfs out surf with the smurfs um but here is a comment gray divide says washington square had a great santa pre-covid picks came out amazing and it was a quick process.

I chose to use the Bridgeport Mall Santa this year and regret it. Pictures were terrible. The Santa was nice, but looked like he just left the Renaissance Fair Circuit. And even with an appointment, we awaited the 40 minutes and 38 degree temps. I wouldn't recommend Bridgeport. End of review.

What does a fucking Renaissance Santa look like? A Renaissance Santa now, that's something. Is that just the hipster Santa that this person saw? Oh, maybe. I was wondering about that. I was wondering if that's how they equitutes. it because, I mean, hipster in Portland must by now have its own, like, subgenres and all this, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, Renaissance Fair is usually not what I would necessarily think of first, but, hey, as an FTM, just wondering, you know? FTM, like, every mom's an Ftm then at some point? Yeah, but then you write STM if you're a second time mom. oh no what if you're a fourth time mom what do you do you you just write i have four kids and everyone says oh wow wow they're all 30 they're 30 300 months 200 months how you go talk on your mommy blogs stop it don't be disparaging okay i have a one-star review of um i mean there's a title on review. It says disappointing Santa interaction at Christmas event. Here's our review by Helen. I recently attended the Christmas event with my family and while there were many aspects that

brought us joy, I feel compelled to share a disappointing experience that occurred during our visit to see Santa Claus. Upon reaching Santa's station, it became evident that he had taken the time to familiarize himself with the names and interests of three out of the four children in our group. The fourth child was wearing a cast on his arm. A naughty little brat. It became evident that he had taken the time to familiarize himself with the names and interests of three out of the four children in our group. Unfortunately, the fourth child, a girl aged 11, was completely overlooked during the interaction. Despite the anticipation and excitement, Santa failed to acknowledge her presence or inquire.

about her name and interests. It was disheartening to witness my child being left out of the magical moment that meeting Santa should be. Only after I nudged her forward, did Santa finally ask, and who do we have here? This oversight diminished the enchantment of the experience for my family and left my child feeling excluded. In the spirit of holiday joy and inclusivity, it is crucial for such events to ensure that all children are treated with equal attention and consideration. While we appreciated other aspects of the event, this unfortunate incident significantly impacted our overall experience. Okay, and...

Yep, yep, yep. Sorry. It gets... It's a mouthful. Oh, it gets a mouthful? I'm sorry, I was like, it's a mouthful. No, I was just saying, yeah, that's... It gets crazy there.

Here's the response from owner. Hi, Helen. Thank you for the review. We wholeheartedly agree that all children should be treated with equal attention and consideration. We have spoken with Santa Claus and we've reminded him that even older children, who in some instances may have lost a bit of the magical Christmas wonder should still be included in the conversation.

Hello? That's fucked up. Yeah. Wait. What? I know. Now the, so my first thought was, I mean, the Santa, like, probably wasn't, like, intentionally singling out this one poor girl.

And the mall's like, oh, yeah, he probably singled her out because she's old. And she doesn't have the magical miracle wonder of Christmas anymore because she's old. Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck? Does that mean? I don't know. I find that, like, so strange. And to say, like, we reminded Santa that even older kids should get some of a tent. Jeez.

Yeah, I found that really odd. Yeah, I don't, I don't know. Something tells me that Santa doesn't need to be reminded of that. I can't imagine you go into a job as a mall Santa without understanding that the magic of Christmas is ageless. Yeah, that's like step one. You'd think. Okay, I got one more thing here. This is a two-star review of the Briarwood Mall in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

This was sent in by Brittany. And this was written by a trip advisor user named Mom of Three. Okay, see, there you go. I thought they'd say, so they don't say TTM? No. Cool. It's too close to TTC, which is trying to conceive. No.

Yeah. I didn't realize that. I didn't know I had to watch out for that. I could go on and on. I won't. I'll spare you. Here's a two-star review. Horribly mean, grouchy Santa.

The Santa there yelled at my children for approaching him before he was ready. No children with him at the time. They were at the counter working on a photo package. He made my older child cry. She said, I know he is not the real Santa

because Santa would never be mean to kids. way to ruin a child's day. Oh, I mean, wow. Wow, that's got to hurt. Santa yelling at you. I mean, it seems like some of these Santas have a little anger issue, like this one guy screaming, Jesus Christ, because his hat wouldn't fit, and, wow, it's like,

keep your composure. Yeah, which is why you'd never get approved as of all Santa. I feel like, it's a high standard. It is. But, yeah, no, I'm. I'm wondering how these people gain access to these Santas, like, without them wanting it. Yeah, there's usually a big candy cane gate that definitely would keep everybody out. Or an odd-looking young girl who's yelling at everyone.

But even then, they got, like, five minutes alone with Santa. Yeah, they're not doing really great security. You know, when she said, like, I'm going to call mall security, it's like, shouldn't they be, like, already there or accessible? Like, I feel like if you were working at a mall nowadays and they're, I feel like pretty slow nowadays, if Santa was there, wouldn't that be like the thing you're supposed to be monitoring or like hanging around? But yeah, I feel like these people are really just invading his space. This is a one-star review and this is by Melissa. This was also sent him by Michelle. Michelle was just like on a roll.

Amazing facilities that should have made for a great experience. However, that was not the case. There is a real missed opportunity here as the staff are seriously lacking in their Christmas cheer and motivation. An exception to this being the elf marshmallow on the boat with the American accent. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Slow down. I don't know what to comment on here. Uh-huh. So I'm going to say, boat? Yeah. I mean, there are a lot of weird things there, but for some reason, boat? Yeah, on the boat with the American accent.

Elf marshmallow? I think it means elf. Named marshmallow. Okay, named marshmallow. Is what my thought was. Yeah. Or it's a DJ. None of it's.

An elf version of the DJ marshmallow. Yeah. Now that would be a cool experience. Yeah. The elf marshmallow. Yeah, it's not, none of it's capitalized, so I was confused. Yeah, the elf marshmallow on the boat with you. All right, next.

The elf known as Buttons was seriously rude to shout out the word silence, noting that he had shushed the group several times, but to no avail. Come on, you've always got to have a grumpy elf. Like, that's so not bad. Like, that's part of it. And the fact that his name is buttons makes it way funnier, you know? Yeah, Button says button up, kid. Button, button it up.

The elf known as buttons was seriously rude to shout out the word silence, noting that he had shushed the group several times but to no avail. Would he fail to notice, but was very clear to everyone there. There was a family in the room that had kids with sensory issues, but irrelevant of this, nobody should be shush or shouted at. Also, the elf known as button, wait, I guess that's probably also buttons. Maybe not. Maybe not. Also, the elf known as button threatened, one of the kids who touched the bag with the toys in it. She said, if you touch it again, you won't get a gift, and you don't harass elves here.

Overall, it definitely took from the experience for us, and that wasn't even my family. I can only imagine how they felt. Wouldn't recommend it, as it wasn't a cheap day out either, had much better experiences for less money in places with less facilities. It costs nothing to be nice, but we paid good money for not nice. You should have said naughty, but whatever. Perfect opportunity. Oh, as if they would come up with that.

Wow. I don't know. Buttons sounds pretty cool. Buttons does not take shit from anybody. Yeah, and nor should she. I mean, if you have to tell a child don't harass the elves, they're probably already doing something not good. It feels, harass is a big word. If that, yeah, if that's, yeah, that feels like maybe something needs to be said.

And like, yeah, that kid might not get a gift. that's not much of a threat like that is like the kid will get gifts it's not like it's like security will remove you from the building before you can get a gift not like you don't you know what I mean like yeah yeah like you're an awful kid that doesn't deserve presence yeah that's like you got to behave kids you do got to behave especially on that boat are they all on the boat I was about to say or you won't get a ride on the marshmallow boat this is the marshmallow elf boat I mean sounds cool to me

I want to say the same thing but I just I don't know what the fuck it is I keep picturing I keep picturing that hotel the Gaylord where they had Opryland where they had the

like the rivers like the canals and you take a little boat botanical garden or like what's the place in Vegas with the gondolas, the Venice one.

The Venetian? Yeah, thank you. The Venetian. What's that place in Italy with the gondolas? I mean, I was like, you know, Venice. There's a hotel. Okay. What's that place in L.A. with the canals?

You know, I don't understand why they named it. Anyway, um, all that's say, I keep picturing this stupid boat, like on one of those little canals. Like a gondolier elf? A gondolier, yeah. No wonder he's pissed off. Those guys are always mad. That's so true. Not that I've ever met one in my life.

Oh, well. I've never been to any of the... Oh, I've been to one of the Venice's. The Vegas, no, the L.A. one. Dang. Yeah. I'm out, by the way. Oh, really?

Okay. I have two more things. This one is a review sent him by Jenna, she they, of the Cherry Hill Mall. It's a two-star review by Frederick. The Cherry Hill Hall? Mall. Oh, Mall. Jerry Hill Mall

Jerry Mill Hall Blah blah blah Totally lacking of holiday cheer decorations And and where's the eggnog No free samples And what's up with Santa Only one Santa

And he first of all Imagine there were a mall Now that would be fucked up Huh? Yeah does this person I understand Expecting parents to explain to their children Why there are multiple Santas in the mall And what's up with Santa

Only one Santa and he looks like he's anemic, so skinny. I should be having epileptic seizures from all the Christmas lights, but there is none. Anyway, step your game up, Cherry, Cherry emoji Hill Mall. End of review. So. They had some good points, but they also, also. He should go to the DJ Marshmallow Santa exhibit, because that would talk about laser light show and it sounds like this place like over delivered to begin with and now they're just scaling back. This person's expectations are high. Free eggnog at the Santa thing? Free eggnog? Seriously. Don't be ridiculous. Also, like, how many Santas do you want?

That's the other, yeah, like, for efficiency purposes? Like, is it where you go into separate hotel rooms and each one is a different... Oh, no. Santa? Yeah, it feels so weird. It feels so weird. So, I don't know. I don't know. Can't clean it. Okay. This is the last thing I have. It was sent him by Sam. He him. It's a Facebook post in the Sellersville community page. And here is the original post by Kelly. Poor Mall Santa. He is so lonely. This is a picture of Montgomery Mall.

I know there's hardly any stores left in the mall anymore, but we should take our kids to see Santa. Okay, I'm going to send you the picture. Oh, no. it's taken from multiple like at least a level oh it's taken from one level up

and it's sort of like a really creepy picture to take oh my God yeah oh I think someone posted oh okay this is all clicking in my head now someone posted this in the Beach 2 Sandy group

or Reddit page and I think they commented about turning the light out. Oh, yeah, that was a mall. That's funny. The last one out turned out. Oh, my God.

This poor Santa. It's basically like a photo of Santa sitting alone on a couch in front of his Christmas display with his hands in his lap. And it's taken, like you can see the railing they're leaning over to take the picture. And it's just like, it is pretty depressing. And so these are some of the comments. He's like thinking about what he's going to have. for lunch, you know?

He's probably thrilled that there's not a bunch of little kids climbing on him, honestly. Okay, I don't think that's true, because I would hope not. You're probably. Because why else are you a fucking mall Santa? You're probably right. Imagine being thrilled. He's like, oh, I don't have to do my job as a mall Santa today. I listen.

Listen, it happens to the best of us even when we love our job, you know? Bad day has happened, yeah. I do know. Okay, so Janie says, oh my goodness. This made me so sad. emoji. I want to go and hug that Santa Santa emoji. Oh.

Arlene says, it's so sad. We so looked forward to this. Now it's so different. I want the kids to see what fun really is. Not these gaming things. What? Is she talking about? Yeah, Arlene.

Like, the moment I heard Arlene, I'm like, okay, this person's 103 years old. I can't wait to hear their opinion. about the state of the society today. Darley knows about fun. Okay. What is she talking about? What is she talking about?

What is she wants the kids to see what fun really is. And then she shows this picture. It's like, this is real fun. And I was like, that's the most depressing picture I've ever seen. Like, imagine back in the 80s if people knew that someday they'd be going, oh, kids will never know about the wonders of a shopping mall. It's like shopping malls used to be places like kids weren't allowed to go. because they'd get in trouble there.

And now parents are like, they'll never understand the joys of a shopping mall. It's just so, anyway. Yeah. First, it was a soda, a soda fountain. Now it says. But, yeah, I, sorry, I just like, I forget what I was going to say.

Never mind. I want the kids to see what fun really is, not these gaming things. Going out, talking to people. Too much gone. okay what are you doing you're sitting on

Facebook you old fucking hag I'm sorry pissed off at Arlene I hate that shit get off the family computer Arlene she's like

what is she doing right now it was that fun commenting under post of sad mall santa it's like then go out and fucking talk to people

the state of the world today Stacy says when my kids were younger we had to wait hours to see Santa Claus and 10 people

liked that comment and I'm like So you want to do that. Yeah. It's not like back then you complained that you had to wait two hours to see. Oh, yeah. No, they were writing so, they were writing so many negative reviews in their heads. They were, I mean, really.

Matthew responds to Stacey. When I was younger, I went to school with Santa Claus. These people need to go. Talk about touch grass, dude. Oh, man. When I was younger, I went to school with Santa Claus. Because her classmates, I never had to wait in line. What?

Okay. I don't know what that means. What the fuck? The man who played Santa at your local mall was in your classroom as a child? Yeah. Is that what they mean? That feels like a bad movie with... Or a child was the Santa for all the other children.

That could be... It was just a very large child in full stature. Just like fully grown child with a beard. A belly full of jelly. Lois responded and said, I was just going to say the same thing What? Is this an inside joke?

I don't know, but that's all I have. She's like, yeah, same. I was going to say that about Santa. These people are so unwell. What are they talking about? Oh my God, it's killing me. Did they go to Mall Santa school together? Oh, we were class of 89.

Oh, God. Oh, man. Well, if you haven't had enough Christmas stuff, we've got a challenge to give you. This, well, never mind. You don't have to do everything. You don't do anything. Just shut up and listen. The challenge was to find Christmas topper, tree toppers that were not supposed to be Christmas tree toppers.

Right. And I've got some things. So first, Phoenix, she heard sent in a Reddit post. And so they posted, does anyone know what this product actually is? I'm going to send you the photo. I'm going to try to describe it. Actually, I'm just going to read the top comment to tell you exactly what it is. Whoa. Oh, no.

Yeah. Oh, no. So the top says inflatable wild swan. Uh-huh. And here is a comment. It's just an inflatable swan head you wear on your waist. Japanese people are awesome, but they had written weird and then struck out weird and then made it awesome. Okay.

I love it. Japanese people are weird. Awesome. And then there is this comment. I had one of these about a decade ago. I used it as a Christmas tree top because reasons. It's self-inflating and sadly does not honk. Five out of seven would swan dick again.

And then they included a picture. Let me see if I can send you this picture of their inflatable swan penis. Oh my God. To be clear, it's a swan head that you put around your waist, everyone. It's not a penis. Yeah. But it like is like a, yeah, it's like a belt with just a swan neck on it and then the head at the end. So like in the, on the packaging of this product, there's this like cartoon man with it wearing it around.

A swan penis. His crotch, yeah. Swanhead penis. Side note, doesn't this picture look like the most 10 years ago or whatever they said, like 2000s? picture like this looks like our house growing up a little bit it does it does and it has they have like the the guitar propped up and the like the records on display it just feels very nostalgic to me and then the good old swan dick on top of the tree and some giant ornaments on that tree yeah that too a couple of them are huge yeah my next one here this was sent in by

taylor they them who sent in um a screenshot of a, I don't know where the fuck this is from, I forget, but this is what it says. I've used a cowboy hat for years now. I don't have a designated hat for the tree. It's whoever's I can steal first. This year, my oldest son, he's 15, let me use his new summer work hat. He got it at the beginning of summer, anticipating riding an open-air tractor all summer doing hey. Luck would have it, he got to ride a cab tractor with air conditioning and a radio.

So the hat is still in great. great condition. It's perfectly, like, clean with air conditioning, like, dust-free. Oh, I love it. Oh, and it looks great. And I just sent you the picture that they, that's a full screenshot, but in it, you can see there's a little hat on top of the tree. So it's like a little cowboy hat.

I was picturing a baseball cap. Oh, no, yeah. I hear, yeah, cowboy hat. Wow, I love that, a tree with a cowboy hat. That's very fun. Yeah, it's very cute. next we have Shelby

now Shelby found some forums very interesting forums that I did not know existed including forums.org dot com I almost said dot org it is not dot org I thought you said dot org.com because they were pretending it's dot org but they had to use dot com like the end

so this weirdly sounds familiar though like the eulog forum I'm like this might have been something it's troubling to me that it rang some sort of of bell yeah well here is a post uh this is what govoni has to say and this is an they their little title is elf VP so here we go oh they join september 2001 oh that's a that's a weird time to join yeah i get it i was probably that's probably why it's familiar to us that's probably where we were hanging out i think you all know the you'll log forums yeah here's what

Govani, you'll learn her real name later. This is what she has to say. On my patriotic tree, I use eight small flags that encircle the top, furled, and then there are six glittery stars, two red, two white, and two blue, that are stuck into the top around the top branch of the tree above the flags. It is really pretty. On my hallmark tree, I used to only have one. I used a wooden rocking horse for many years that was wired. to the top. What?

I bought that Maxine topper a few years back and used that now. On top of the Frosty Friends tree this year, I used a pretty bow made of wide, white, sheer ribbon with snowy trees printed on it. I continued the same ribbon through the tree. On my glass ornament tree, depending on its height, I use several different tops. I have used an angel in a beautiful dress. I have used pretty glass pointers, and I have used a glass topper that is from old world ornaments that is round and has a gold star on it.

I think I like the glass pointer's best as they bring back childhood memories, Nancy. What, Nancy? I couldn't. Nancy is an expert. I wish you had let me guess her name because I think Nancy would have been in the top three guesses. I think it probably would have actually. Wow. Yeah.

It would have been like Irene. Yeah, Arlene from earlier. Arlene, I mean, that's what I meant to say. Oh, I see. she's like oh my late husband I put a picture of my late husband on the top of the tree Ronald Reagan

The late husband Ronald Reagan goes on top of the tree He's my star Yeah For some reason all the local kids come to Want to piss on it I don't get it I uh yeah this

Nancy here just Nancy is not fucking around Nancy's an LFP I get it now For sure I get it now But how many And Shelby said something along the lines of, like, how many trees does one person have, like, can one person have?

And, like, we don't even know how many. She said, like, she used to. She only talked about certain ones. But I think there was some. I mean, imagine those days. Those were the dark days. Nancy only had one tree. It was quite dark without all those Christmas lights.

Yeah, for sure. Oh, man. Well, here's another form because apparently there's a second form that discusses Christmas tree toppers. this was on quarter to three dot com forums and you know what I'm realizing I have no idea what that's about you know the other one I'm like oh that's obviously Christmas yeah no clue I'm gonna see the FAQ hold on 245 I have no idea I'm not getting to the bottom of this right now anyway here is a post it was the post was titled Christmas tree toppers that aren't stars or angels okay

and this is what Wade had to say Wade said heck I've always found the idea of sticking a Christmas tree up an angel's butt pretty whimsical I've seen a giant

bow as a tree topper but it's not to my taste personally I'd like a replica of the topper from a Christmas story okay what was the topper I don't fucking know

I've never seen it something stupid I'm just kidding everyone sorry I'm in a mood It's Christmas Eve, too, when this comes out, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Or is it next week? No. Merry Christmas. Here's another comment. In addition to being a good conversation starter, a taxidermy mouse is always a classic, and a welcome addition to holiday decorations. They can be obtained from Paxtongate.com and come in various costumes. Pope, Santa, Angel.

For secular folk, they have punk or hamlet. Bonus, they appear to be. You know, the two things that people like, punk and hamlet, for the non-religious people. Honestly. For the heathens. The heathens. Bonus, they appear to be in their natural habitat up on the tree, so it somehow works as decor. End of, I don't think that's true, though.

I will say. I don't think I, when I see a mouse on top of a Christmas tree, I'm like, oh, a mouse in its natural habitat, with its side sweatbags and electric guitar, just where I always thought him, my punk mouse. Yeah, that's, I beg to differ with the word classic. Like, I just have a little bit of disagreement about that. I was like, I was like, what? Is this a thing? And Shelby even said, like, oh, wow, this is, that's, like, made a comment about how interesting that is. And then I get an email from Sophie.

Sophie sent in an Etsy. There's no review because there are no reviews of this product. But an Etsy product, just a warning. I'm sending a picture. This is, I'm going to read the title before I send it to you. Snow Angel Tree Topper. Oh, that's all the title says. Taxidermy Rat, Snow Angel, Tree Topper.

How about that? Here is a picture. Talk about bearing the lead. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. What is it holding?

Let me know if you can figure it out. You don't know? Oh, I do. It took me a little bit. It's cocaine. Holy shit. I was like, well, it looks to be a rolled-up bill. At first I thought it was like a shit.

shield like the thing but it's holding like a mirror a circular mirror with three lines of coke on it and I've rolled a dollar bill yeah in the other hand and it is uh wearing it is donning a halo and feathered wings but it is also a amount a rat with one little tooth and I'm going to read the description this is a little bit sad oh yeah I mean but I I'm not a big fan of taxidermy in general. It's not really my thing, I think. It's not my thing. That is for sure.

Here's the description. Taxidermy rat snow, angel tree topper. This naughty little guy has beautiful handmade wings and halo and comes fully equipped with his own party accessory. He is attached to a pole and wires are provided to make it simple to attach to the tree. Please note the lights are not included. and then Wow Perhaps the most troubling

part of the description is at the bottom three large all caps words made to order And I'm like picturing her just like Time to get a new rat Just killing a rat

God That's the most Corrella de Vil shit I ever heard Like Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God made to order No no no no

Yeah this is But yeah this They have They have had a ton of sales This is O. Stuffanel, and they have, they sell a lot of different versions of taxidermized rats, including ones that are like smoking, hitting bongs and stuff. Like, it's wild. Whoa.

I wonder if they get them from like medical. I was thinking the same thing. Yeah, because I'm like, where else would you source a bunch of fresh dead rats? Yeah. And then like, turn them, like the, they have made 10.4,000 sales. I mean And like this is their main thing So I don't know

I mean they clearly found their niche I mean somebody's A lot of people are into this Like the stripper mice you've seen those Yeah They sell a handful of stripper mice My gosh Not like one handful of them

But multiple different options Maybe that is maybe that's a combo you can do No Just however many it's just like reach in Grab as many as you can That's how many you get You get in one of those hurricane dollar bill

things and they just put all the rats in there oh yeah those are flying through the sky stick them in your waistband but it's a bunch of rats yeah gross Merry Christmas everyone Was that the last thing you had

I was the last thing I had Thank God I didn't think we'd be going there but that does make sense of non-tree-toppers of course I should have thought of taxidermized animals that does It always comes around to the taxonomized taxidermized animals. Especially during the holidays.

Anyway, speaking of which, I hope everyone's having a lovely evening. Alexander and I are hanging out. He's feeling so much better. And Leona is putting on a Christmas play for us as we speak. And Alexander can't wait, and he's loving every moment of it. Totally.

So I hope you enjoy. I hope you can feel my Christmas cheer. Yeah, I hope it doesn't affect you too badly. It can be contagious. But have a great. And blinding. evening and uh, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Goodbye.