Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 371: Reviews of Old-Timey Candy

Episode Date: January 7, 2026

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach 2, Sandy Water, Too Wet. This is a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Zandi. I'm X-Teen. Hey, everybody. Hi.

We're doing something near and dear to my heart today, which is the theme of old-timey candies. I love an old-timey candy. Really? Well, such a random one. I like it. I'm not complaining. But, yeah, no, NECA wafers, uh-uh. The only one I like are the, um, no, I probably like multiple, but the, uh, I like

butterscotch. I like buttercotch. I like a Werther's original, you know what I mean? Also, I know, sickeningly, you like a Roopier barrel, which. Yeah, I do like that. Yucco. Yeah, we got old-timey candies here, and then Zandi, you have a challenge. Yeah, uh, that was something that was actually really,

fun it was to find reviews where someone says guess what blank like guess what buddy just what lady so what's just what pal somewhere more implied the the the object is implied oh but they do say guess what at the minimum okay fantastic guess well guess what that's it's either it might be the reader as in you all listening oh okay so we're going to guess what potentially but a lot of them were at the place of business we'll see i don't actually remember it was something like that do you remember when we had a trash can as kids no we did that's so weird i know it was uh do i remember when we had a trash can as a kid makes it sound like we've only had it for like a certain amount of time we did it was this dinosaur thing and it was this flimsy kind of plastic and

it said guess what but it was either a lion or a dinosaur but it said guess what it was either a lion Or a dinosaur. It had a question mark at the end. And mom got it in Germany. Oh. Or someone in Germany mailed it to us as a present. Guess what? Because what's a good gift for like a four-year-old,

two-year-old is a trash can't, obviously. And so someone mailed it to us and it said, guess what? But it had the question mark. And I remember like being four or five years old and being so bothered because I'm like, that's a statement. Well, maybe not. Maybe nowadays someone grammatically will correct me. But as a child, I was like, isn't that more of like, you know, you're saying,

Guess what? Yeah, you're not. It's not really a question. But I think people put question marks after guess what. Well, I don't think that's right. It's probably the trash can that started it all because that was one of my early stressors, triggers. I don't really have many memories from our childhood, as you know. So the fact that you constantly ask me if I remember things from our childhood, like, no, I don't.

I'm trying to describe it. So, oh, wait, you can't visualize things either. Oh, yeah. I don't think we've talked about that. Sandy found out, it's not funny, I don't find it funny, but he found out he has a Fantasia where you can't picture, you can't visualize things. I have it on VHS. I have Fantasia 2000, so beat that. No, I do have this thing where I can't see things in my brain.

When people said that they're picturing things, I didn't think they actually could. Right, and if you're wondering how he pictures them, he does, but he conceptualizes them, which to me sounds much smart. and more interesting but they're like picture an apple i'm like okay i know what an apple looks like i don't actually see it in my head but i know what it looks like because i've seen an apple before this should be like a patreon exclusive now that i think about it what me talking about a phantasia yeah like i'll quiz you and stuff about what can you see this no hey can you see this no hey remember that trash kid we had when we were kids okay yeah okay now i do this is from corin you're just inserting false memories probably you know what a really weirdly

like seemingly harmless memory but like so sinister yeah i wonder what your ulterior motive here is with your guess what question i don't know i don't know um anyway old timey candy yeah i have one here this was sent by corin sheher uh it's a review on walmart dot com for bottle caps which i never really ate those so i don't really know what those are about they don't look good they look chalky and i don't like that i they look chalky that's right i just feels like tombs or something yeah um Elisa says this. Very disappointed. I love bottle caps. I was buying 12 boxes every week from you. I'm assuming that means Walmart. Okay. 12 boxes. Holy moly.

12 boxes a week. What? Yeah. I was buying 12 boxes every. That's so many bottle caps. They probably ran out. Walmart did? Yeah. No, the world. I don't know that they make those anymore like the penny. Wow. All the chalk deposits in the world are dried up. God, start drilling.

Good thing we don't use chalkboards as much. Good thing we use offshore drilling. I love... For chalk, uh-huh. Christine 20... Ocean chalk. Ocean chalk. You know how much salt is down there? What do you think chalk is made of?

Tell me. Oh, it's made of salt? Rocks. Calcium. Oh, calcium carbonate. I love bottle cap. I was buying 12 boxes every week from you. When you didn't have them for me to pick up, you'd let me know.

and then you'd send them to me no shipping charge the last three weeks i ordered them and about an hour before i go to pick them up you'd send me a message telling me the order was canceled because you don't have them in stock it feels so personal so yeah they did buy them out jesus yeah that's it not letting me know when they are in stock and not shipping them when available so i've had to go so they basically they're cut her off yeah they were like sorry there's something they probably were like this person must be free sell no one is eating how many it's 12 boxes i almost say It's six because I was an absurd number. And then I remembered that it's twice of that.

A week. A week. The last three weeks I bought them and you were out of stock. Yeah. Okay, you've been cut off and they're going to probably restock but not for you. They're going to be like she's banned from buying. I hope so. I prefer you guys, but it's not working.

It really feels like a breakup letter, right? You did this, you did that. You would say this and you'd say that. Things are different now. I've had to go elsewhere to get them. I prefer you guys, but it's. not working. So I stopped trying. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's not okay. Wow. You're right. You nailed it with that therapy thing. What? I know it's just candy,

but I use them for important activities. No. Wait. I hadn't read that yet. Wait. So this person isn't even eating? I mean, eating is an important activity. They're like, well, what are you going to use them for? Because we don't want to give you anymore. And she's like, something important. And they're like, Talk about nefarious. What the hell? I need some for something important. I'm upset about that. So it's this like our middle school art teacher who had a closet full of jelly beans for us to make art with, but this person uses bottle caps instead.

Oh my God. Paula? Oh, no. Paula. I stop. I'm not sure what's, I love that they wouldn't even say like it's for an art project. They're like, it's just something really important. Something important, which if you have.

have to say it like that, it's probably not important. Or doctor probably said like you're just way too much calcium carbonate in your body. It's dangerous. I feel like. That's why they stop making these candies. Yeah, out of danger for this because of this one person. I think so. You know what they say.

No. The change you wish to see in the world. Okay. I know. I think Jay Shetty said that. I know it's just candy, but I use them for important activities. So I'm really disappointed end of review. Yeah.

You know, Walmart, if you're going to appeal to their emotions, Walmart's the one to do. these are really important to me Walmart yeah this sounds like a letter that was necessary for the CEO of bottle caps ink not Walmart have a review for Walmart may he rest in long ago piece I assume I assume so right I don't know I wish I had an A-L-E-X-A so I could say who invented I almost said who founded the bottle cap who invented the bottle cap candy but too bad I'll never know well someone's gonna be annoyed and be like You could have just looked it up. Well, we're not going to do that.

I don't have an ALEXA, so. Here is a review sent in by Emily. She-Hur. This is of Clay's Horhound Hard Candy. Horhound. Are you familiar? No, I've never heard of this, I don't think. Oh, that's weird, because that's what my friends called you in high school.

The horhound. I was chief dog. You were horhound. Okay. I would say, go back to the pound. Hor. No one. Yeah.

it's all coming back to me now so horhound is apparently an herb of sorts I knew that I did not know that but these are horhound old fashioned hard candies made with natural horhound herb tea brewed and steeped in copper kettles

to enhance the horhound flavor that seems like Michael Carey would eat that okay our friend's dad would like have all these random old timey like he literally used lard to cook like that he collected like he's just that kind of guy um like i like roughen it for fun sometimes i feel like he he would be the only one who like found those and ate them but you know what i think it might be what those it's like maybe a ricola or

something like okay like i feel like it's probably some herb that like you don't say whore hound anymore because alexanderstrom's ruined that yeah they did it says soothing to the throat so yeah bet you it's like some cough drop flavor well here is what one one star uh view. This is what Ross has to say about it. It tastes like the name. Ugh. Why on earth would people eat this when other candy exists? End of review. And I think that sums up this episode. I'm like, why are you eating bottle cats? Like there are other, why are you so, it's like if they're in front of you, whatever,

but like, why are you special ordering three, how many, 12, 12, I said three boxes. Are you crazy? 12 boxes a week. I could eat three a week. They're not that good. Well, clearly they're, well, okay, not clearly. We don't know what they're using them for, but it would appear they're not eating 12 boxes a week. Yeah, I don't think they'd be alive long enough to write this review of that one. Yeah. Or they'd be like especially preserved.

Maybe it's like they're a teacher and they're trying to like give it. There's no good reason. There's no good reason. Agreed. Beach 2 Sandy is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Progressive loves to help people make smart choices. That's why they offer a tool called AutoQuote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote

with rates from other companies. So you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you. Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. okay um i have one here this was sent in by taylor sophie's version they them i these are i don't know that i never ever knew them to have a name here i'll show you a picture they're like these the fuck are those they're like those swizzle stick don't act like i know what those are a candy cane without the the crook the shepherd's crook yeah so it's more like um it's just like a they sell

them at like old-timey like oh okay general store candy like cracker barrel type Yeah, the Amish would sell that. The Amish sell that exactly. I was like, don't pretend like you don't know what that is. Okay, these ones on Amazon, real Amish, no, I'm kidding. These ones on Amazon, a 24-pack, frudels with a D, frudels, yellow, swirl, 24-packed candy, old-fashioned lemon-flavor candy. Okay.

And lemon flavor. How basic. And to buy 24 of them, though, like wouldn't you want a mix pack, you know? Yeah. unfortunately it has a out of 448 reviews has three stars average reading not great here is a one-star review by kells uh one star called disappointed verified purchase style yellow sticks arrived broken and also didn't work as a straw in a lemon as i had hoped huh like a fucking drop a can of commercial what you stick it like they probably saw commercial

in 195 of like someone sticking one in a lemon. Which wouldn't taste good. I hope they never saw Lemonhead commercial. I think that would scare the shit out of them. You're right. That would. Yeah, it would taste good because it would be like a sugary. Wait, it wouldn't taste good.

It wouldn't taste good. If you stick a straw in orange, it tastes good because orange is orange and then not sour like lemon. If you stick a straw and lemon and suck. There's a much simpler way. That's not going to be good. Drinking lemon juice and drinking orange juice. Which one's preferable?

not the lemon juice in my opinion for that but explains it didn't work as a straw it's not even a straw by the way yeah i was gonna ask that too i don't think a normal straw would work anyway really um not the way that they're envisioning no a bit i imagine if you get like a nice metal straw and stick it well don't do this that sounds just getting worse my teeth hurt i don't imagine you'll get something if you stick a metal straw in there and start sucking on it yeah you probably get your braces electrocute true i don't know why that just makes my skin crawl I just, yeah, I just feel like that would be so disappointing, and now you have 23 more of them. Oh, true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're like, oh, it doesn't work in a lemon. They're all lemon. Oh, lemon lime, stick it in a lime. Now that might do the trick. Okay, here's a one-star review. This is also from Emily. You could squeeze it down. Squeeze it down.

Because it doesn't have a hole because it's a straw. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, use it as a juicer. Like a barber's pole. It, like, goes down. Yeah, or a juicer. Okay, yeah. Which is a more apt.

You use the stick as a juicer? Yeah, and like twist it. It'll come down and the stick into your mouth. Okay, like a barber's bowl. Okay. Here's a one-star review of Horhound. Clay's Horhound hard candy. No flavor.

This candy is little more than hard sugar that was waved at a horhound plant. Oh, my. That sounds threatening. Yeah, it's like a LaCroix candy. It's like, go outside and pick some horhound yourself. I know. Have you tried Horhound Lecroy? It's just like.

Basically, like, so gross. I don't even know what it tastes like, what it sounds gross. It does sound gross. Like medicinal. But I like that. It does sound medicinal. And I feel like this person wants to like mortar and pestle up some horn around and put it in water and be like, kids. And just scare all the neighborhood children.

And then use a lemon. I was supposed to say that. Candy straw. Okay. Here is a review also sent in by Taylor. This is of retro candy. yum super sour candy variety pack it's basically it's on Amazon

it's a bunch of hard candies or what it's a bunch warning sour candies and it has like some modern ones I see warheads and skittles yeah but they have like razzles Razzles are not old people food are they old people I don't know I guess sour razzles I think that would kill here candy buttons okay so it's got one old person candy

and those toxic waste things are at least 30 years old by now oh yeah those people that we used to buy these a Blockbuster and they probably still are not expired. Okay, yeah, but I'm thinking, I went to fucking whorehound, Christina. I'm sorry, but like, just give me a chance. I'm listening. This is also Taylor's fault. I know.

You think I didn't know that? Wait, Taylor, sofees, Taylor's version, they, them. This is a one-star review called Child Ordered without my knowing. Smart kid. Written September 11th, 2021. Oh, true. That was. We all spent money on our.

parents credit cards the 20th anniversary that was a big day especially for children nine year olds okay generational trauma hello for sure it's in the DNA it was a weak representation of convenience store collected sour candy it showed up on my doorstep as my oh wait i mean honestly i completely agree with that first sentence i know you were starting nodding i was like yeah i was like yeah yeah that's if that showed up on my doorstep i'd be like ew who collected all these convenience store candies and put them in a thing in front of my door. I was supposed to say how much would you spend on this? Nothing.

How much do you think it goes for? It has a lot of... It better not be more than like 10 bucks. I don't know. Okay. $37. Jesus Christ. It's like the grossest candies in there.

The retro candy. It's like all the candy people don't want. It's probably just a leftovers from Blockbuster. Yeah. It showed up on my doorstep and my nine-year-old shrunk. since I found it first. It was ordered by nine-year-old with sour candy problem.

Like addiction. End of review. This is a warning to other parents. The poor nine-year-old was like hiding. Yeah, I was like shrunk. I was like, oh, God. Can you imagine though, like, how would you hide that? You would put this giant, like, packet box of candy under the bed and then be like,

what's this $37 charge for retro yum candy? And you'd be like, I have no clue. I don't think nine-year-old. old always think ahead like that. I love how you were planning it now. How would I get this past blaze? Actually, what I'm thinking is, how would Leona pull this off without my knowing? Because I think it's probably pretty easy. Honestly, she could do something. Like, yeah, she, she orders something to the house. No one would know. One time she ordered, well, we were at an aquarium and I just gave my phone to like click buttons. That's it. And she went into the Starbucks app and ordered nine snowman

cookies. And I was like, she could barely speak. And I was like, and did all. And it. And it's all. day she's like where are the snowman cookies and i went she does get how it's supposed to work but i was like we're not we're at an aquarium that's yeah yeah so yeah you're right got it that's how you'd get away with got it let's see i have something sent in by ellie she her uh she sent in a couple reviews of mr sims old sweet shop is this all made up this all sounds made up it's british so yeah okay mr sims old it's old with an e sweet shop with an e of course shoppy. This one is in Bishop Stortford, England.

I can't. I can't. I was like, I literally Googled, I saw that on the map. I was like, that's not right. I was like, that's not right. It's ridiculous. You guys are like a meme all the time. And it was in the description. I was like, that's not right. Let me triple check that. Did you see? Bishop Stortford is a place. There was a lot that was going around that was like, Dear Americans, it's pronounced, like the plural of Lego is Lego and all this nonsense. Like you, and then someone said, I will not, like, take pronunciation advice from the people who say, who pronounce pasta, and there's one other word.

Like, you colonize these places and then say pasta or whatever. And it's like, fair, fair point. That's good. Oh, boy. Well, here's a what-star review of this candy shoppy. Clearly, the staff is only eating sour worms with their grumpiness and sour attitude. The sweets are good, at least. End of review.

That's not how that works. I would know. That nine-year-old, though. That nine-year-old is a shitty attitude. Yeah. I don't know. They sound fun. I, no, I'm a fan.

So far, that's my favorite character that we've discussed today. Yeah, and you gave me so much shit for bringing that one. Yeah. No, I mean, it wasn't for you. I like how the mom is so upset. Sophie Taylor, Taylor, Sophie. I like how the parent is so upset. Like, it's not just a problem.

It's an addiction. Yeah. Like, take this seriously, Amazon. Amazon's not going to help you here. Check walmart.com. They care a little more. I have not had an easier week of dinner in a long time. My home chef came this week, and I was able to make the most delightful meals.

They were quick, super quick. I know. Don't be startled. That startled me. And I even marked cooking as one of my activities I did for the day, even though it felt kind of like cheating because it was so easy and fast. New Year, new you. That's right for you.

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Just go to homechef.com slash Beach2 Sandy. That's homechef.com slash beach two sandy for 50% off your first box and free dessert for life. Homechef.com slash Beach2 Sandy. Must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. So this is a review that I found on nuts.com. One of our sponsors I don't know if they're still Try Beach It's been a while

But just do it nuts.com slash beach And they'll remember us and say Oh we should be careful Typing nuts into the I just don't see I have a few memories Of childhood but I remember some Penises dancing on a computer screen You know I wish you could visualize that

The way that I've had to visualize it all these years You just have to conceptualize it Which is so much darker It is The next thing I have So dark in there. That's.com has so many old-timey candies, okay? They have everything.

They have everything. This one is root beer barrels sugar-free. That's horrendous, and I would love them. Horrid. Horrid. That's the thing is, I would eat them, and I would love them. You would love them. I'm looking at them.

I would chomp on them. It makes me ill. I cannot eat heart candies without chomping on it. You're sick. I am. I agree. You and Leona and Mom, I'll do that. They're like, bite it.

It's terrible. I can't help it. Oh, okay. Here is a five-star review by Shailen, verified purchaser. I think this may be my favorite one. I absolutely love your beer barrels, but some of the old-time candies are getting so hard to find,

and when you do, they are expensive. I just hope that the sugar-free flavor isn't weird like it is in sodas because I have to switch to sugar-free for weight loss surgery, but I get really bad dry mouth. I once choked on a root beer barrel when I was sitting in the car alone. Oh, no. That's not funny. It's not funny.

I once choked on a root beer barrel when I was sitting in the car alone, but eventually it came out, L-O-O-L-O-O. Oh, my God. My grandma always had the best hard candies. I remember as a kid going to the dollar store and getting root beer barrels, butterscotch discs, my mother would get cinnamon dis, yuck, strawberry bonbons, and yes, They have a name. The different fruit disc flavors and raspberry bonbons, red circular raspberry hard, which are the absolute hardest to find.

And my grandma used to have every Christmas. What? I don't have any clue. What are these rare candies I'm hearing about? And they're like, they have names. I won't tell you what they are. Yeah, I was like waiting for a name. It's like, oh, yeah, those have names, but you're not going to know.

Not for you. They were made by Brocks, so maybe throw those in your inventory. Now you have to get the fancy brands sell for hound and stuff at a candy store just to find the regular root beer barrels. Only ones that aren't hard to find are the peppermint wheels and the Worther's originals. You used to be able to get a huge bag at Sam's or Costco of all these

hard candies and I'm throwing out in this review other than the raspberry bonbons. I have a happy memory of helping an old disabled 84 year old What? Happy memory. Two of those words were unnecessary. You just had to say 84 year old.

Or old person. You didn't have to why you say that it's like that thing they say like oh your mom describing anyone you know like oh yeah she's one with the huge notes or like she's someone with the terrible split answer but i was like why do you have to preface that okay um i have a happy memory of helping an old disabled 84 year old when i was about 10 with all her yard work and some of her indoor work and she would save me all the worthers and the root beer barrels got paid 10 bucks a week for that and yeah at 10 years old in 2003 that was good pay he's my age they're my age why are they acting like this was 1965 i was so confused i gas i was like this can't be true this is happening in a post 9-11

world where he used to be able to go to samms club and get all the hard candies from his youth in 2003 that's crazy what also like that's not good pay 10 bucks a week to do all of the lawn and the chores indoor and outdoor and then paid in candy it's just really sad that was good pay mowing the lawn picking up apples raking leaves helping with laundry 10 bucks a week are you serious helping with this 10 year old and i love how they're now talking about it as if it was yeah 2 000 will it hit them ever that they got paid 10 dollars a week to do all these chores that's crazy and that's nothing Really don't realize it. Wow.

Because she had no stairs and was in a wheelchair. Good memories. End of review. Okay. Wait, because she had stairs. She had no stairs downstairs and was in a wheelchair. She was just trapped? Wait. They were just like, you're staying down there.

Good memories. What? Let me see. It sounds like she was a prisoner. Mowing the lawn. The 10 year old was. a warden back in the day making sure she this old lady

back in the day kids could do things like that you know they worked young oh in 2003 yeah mowing the lawn picking up apples raking leaves helping with laundry because she had no stairs downstairs it was in a wheelchair good memories oh good memories

now she's out of the wheelchair it sucks I hate it I think they mean the basement so this person okay got it just before people start commenting but I don't care what people think about how i how i'm picturing this i can't even visualize if i had child a child work like if i gave him ten dollars a week to do like everything in my house i would save up to buy a stairmaster so quick like to go down those stairs my anyway oh you're saying this 86 year old

disabled woman should just conning this kid could should just buy a stairmaster no not a stairmaster oh you mean the thing that goes up and down the stairs oh my god i was like you work it out or so like This lady needs to work out more? Jesus, okay, doctor. What is that thing? You know, stare away to heaven, you know? It's a basement. I don't know.

I feel like we definitely talked about this for a while. It has to be it. It's not a stair chair chair. It's got to be a stair chair chair. That does not sound familiar from my time watching Price is Right, uh, when sick at home. Chair lift? Yeah, I think stair lift. Stair lift.

Okay, I was getting there. stairway chair lift stair chair stair lift okay i don't know anyway we're we're off we're headed back to the old sweet shop we're off to the races yeah to the sweet old sweet shop but this one's in hitching england sure and it's a two-star review there we go much too expensive and nothing that we bought was worth it i actually felt sad eating the sweets sad at how painfully unimpressive they are it tricks you with a nicely curated aspect of the store, which I can respect, but not one piece of candy from that store was good.

Jellies felt like powdered tire pieces. Fudge was chalky, and the chocolate gave me depression. Thanks, end of review. Thanks. Thanks for your time. Yeah, thanks. Oh, that was, okay.

I mean, that's kind of shitty thing to say, but I guess if it's true. I mean, Mr. Sims, I don't know. Does it have good reviews this place? I don't know. Um, it's, it's a, it's a pretty big chain. It feels like somebody is just saying Matt to kind of be counter to like, so it's like a cool kid.

They like went in with high expectations or, and or, we're like, oh, this is just a chain and it's not anything special. Like my great aunt Linda is always saying. Yeah. Great, great, great, great, great, Aunt Linda's candy selection is much better than Mr. Sim's old sweet shop. No, Great Atlanta is a dumb bitch, and she doesn't know anything about candy. I don't know her.

There are over 70 branches in the United Kingdom and Hong Kong of this place. I should have gone to the Hong Kong ones. Founded in Leak, England, 2004. Oh, that was a lot. That was a generation ago. That was weird, an 11-year-old. Said he paid his staff $9 a week. To hand-hand make all.

the candy in the factory. No, it was just one lady in a wheelchair. Oh, no. She was trapped because they didn't have stairs out of the candy store. So they just made her make candy all day. Yeah. Sad. Anyway, your turn.

I'm already out. Oh, good. I have a redemption before my challenge. Okay. So this was sent in by Emily, the same one from before, I think. This is of Gilliam old-fashioned the candy-flavored sanded watermelon drops. um i don't think so wait are they like sugary that sounds good i don't know i think it sounds good this is a five-star review like the good old days minus segregation end of review that's the only

thing that's the only thing if we can fix that man yeah that's what christopher has to say based on christopher's photo appears to be a black male so i'm glad that was it also also could be a very nice little virtue signaling person who's just like don't worry everybody my thought was what if they're way older than segregation they're like what's all this segregation business like just go back to the real old day and it's like no no great grandpa oh you're saying they want to go it could be word it could be the other way but it sounds like that's not the case no they did like the good old days and then they had five periods like dot dot dot dot minus segregation with three exclamation points just in case you forgot yeah need to make sure we're clarifying where i'm stand the good old days oh now it's time for my challenge and this one was very fun this one was where someone says guess what didn't we have a challenge once which was a reviewer saying well well well yeah i think so because i feel like that's same similar vibes yeah yeah yeah i love these kinds of things because first of all people say guess what a lot okay or they just say guess what guess a lot. Like I would pick a random business or I'd use Yelp and Google search a certain

way and then I'd find the business and there'd be like five reviews using the word guess from like some random like Applebee's in the middle of nowhere and I'm like I don't know why but it felt weird how often people are using this phrase. I don't know exactly. Anyway this is a two star review of the Grove in Los Angeles outdoor shopping center. Well you'll hear about it. Here we go. Two stars. This place totally has it all. Throngs of people wandering around both blindly and aimlessly at a slower than molasses pace, convoluted parking, and multiple nearby lots with multiple rules.

The blazing sun glaring down precisely in just one of my eyeballs as I'm trying to avoid the tourists standing and gawking at the ridiculous trolley. Oh, and let's not forget the people who bring their dogs to shop because they seem to think that their dogs are something special and wouldn't ever freak out in a crowd. Yeah, buddy, guess what? I've got a childhood bite mark-shaped scar on my face that says otherwise. Overall, there's a couple of okay stores,

but rarely do I need be at Nordstrom or Barnes & Noble or the Apple Store. And if I did, I certainly have other options. I don't know. I guess I just don't get it. If you like this place simply because it's greenish and outdoors, why not just go to an actual park? End of review. I mean, it sounds like they do get it,

because that is all, like, that is exactly the grove. They nailed it, I think. Like, that trolley is so fucking annoying. And then, like, to cross the street, there's, like, all these cars and they, like, have a parking attendant, and cars are still driving because everyone's just getting run over. It's a very chaotic place. Yeah. But the bite, I mean, that just took me by surprise.

That was their guess what? That's not what I would have guessed. I'll be honest with you. And guess what? They put, guess what? And a question mark after. I think that's probably standard. well it's probably wrong

I mean I like to think so but again I've held onto this since age five I'm still kind of confused about that because they're not the only one but it's the people they can't be right okay I have a review here of a Walmart Super Center in New Orleans this is a four star review

there's only one flaw that really matters at this store and that's the hours Yes, I understand why they closed so early, but come on, stay open later. Hire some more security so I can get my toilet paper at 2 a.m. I've read a few reviews and have noticed that people seem to be all up in a bother about the clientele. Well, guess what? This is Walmart.

It's not a place where the local yacht club enjoy getting together for a weekly wine tasting. If you're expecting a home and garden or whole foods, then I'd suggest you take a look at your surroundings, go home, and hire someone to do your dirty work for you. But I got to say, when it's 1 a.m. I suddenly realized I need something for the next day. I look at my clock and think, eh, I can do Walmart. But then I immediately remember this location closes at 1 a.m.

It's so frustrating. So I've decided to give this store four stars to help people remember that this Walmart qualifies as a standard rating to the Walmart chain. Yeah, it's dirty. Yeah, things aren't in the right place half the time. Yeah, you have to hunt all over the store for that thing that's out of stock. And yeah, there's long lines. Yeah, that's Walmart.

Enjoy the cost of low prices. End of review. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, what of it? Yeah, what of it? Wow. I mean, like, yeah, again.

It's true. It's expectations. Second time in a room, sort of like, yeah, I think you got, you nailed it. Yeah. I don't really have much else to add. Okay. Moving on to budget truck rental then. Let's see how you feel about, you got lost to add.

I'm ready to talk. This is of one in Springfield something. Springfield somewhere. Whoops, of all city names. Um, let's see. Springfield, Virginia. One star. Okay, one trip across the country successfully completed.

My only caution was that budget gave us a truck that was filthy, dirty in the cab. Old and worn, I understand, but there's no excuse for plain flat filth. About an hour out at the start, the tire sensor came on. Two and a half hours later, we had a new tire, only to find that it was the sensor that was faulty. Oh, that's nothing to work. about to stop every so often to check the air pressure was their reply sure that was driving for four days halfway across the country upon returning it budget truck rental said oh that's no big deal well guess what budget truck it was two and a half hours of waiting and tension for the whole

trip checking tire pressure budget truck rental you need to clean up your act end of review well guess what you agree with them too budget gives zero just about they get to wait They're like, that's fine. Hey, I'm a U-Haul guy. What can I say? What can I say? I like, it's like, well, guess what budget? That took us two and a half hours.

Okay. Like, they literally are going to be like, okay. All right. Are you dead, though? Like, what do you want me to do about it? It's true. We're on a budget, people. Unless you're dead, they don't care about you.

Well, unless there's some sort of suable offense, you know, I would think. Okay. Wow. Wow. That's like us with Yelp. Yelp is going to strike once they really can. sue us saving up saving up for it.

I can say any, I don't really think they care. No. I care about them caring though. I know. Here's a four-star review. This is of eggs in the city. What? And I don't know why, but this review, like, when I was, I read this whole review and I'm like,

I think I know what state this is in. It's in Utah. I don't know. Oh, and you were right? Yeah, I had a vibe. Interesting. It's in Mill Creek City, Okay. Which I think is close to Salt Ice. I don't fucking know.

Utah, I love you. Because if you're listening to this, you're probably one of the people in Utah that I would talk to, right? Do Mormons listen to podcasts? I don't know. Do I almost sell candy on Amazon? Yeah, probably. The world may never know. Probably.

Here's a four-star review. Good Lord, man. I love eggs in the city. As a brunch place, it of course is wont to have 70-year wait times and nowhere on this planet to park. However, if you navigate time and space and squeeze yourself in, it's so worth it. I've tried eggs in the city thrice now and have fallen deeper in love each time. Their breakfast menu is, of course, brilliant. Their eggs Benedict is a classic dish with a creamy hollandaise that is to die for.

Let it seep slowly into your breakfast potatoes for a savory treat. Their French toast is some of the best I've ever had. They caramelize the top to a perfect crispiness and the finished prospyness. and the finished product is a soft on the inside cinnamon dream. My sleeper pick is the chicken and biscuit. A delightfully creamy and salty sausage gravy pairs wonderfully with their very nice piece of fried chicken. Breakfast, not what you're in the mood for? Well, guess what, Buster.

Their lunch menu is more than up to snuff. Buster. I've only tried the tuna melt from this portion of the menu. But if the rest of their lunch is anything like it, boy, howdy. This tuna melt hadapulted me back to my childhood, Anton Ego style. The guy from Ratatouille, the critic. Each bite was full of nostalgia as my snot-nosed, upraising materialized around me. This service is wonderful, and everyone is very friendly.

They do rush you just a tad, but that is to be expected in an establishment as bustling as this. If it were not for the parking situation, this would have been five stars. While Yelp doesn't allow for the half star, eggs in the city is more than deserving of a 4.5 out of five rating. End of review. Wow. And something about this book, Utah to you. Yeah. I think it was the words such as Buster.

Thrice. Boy, howdy. There was one before that, too, that I really liked. I think it was like all of them together. It's like things that I would say. Wanted to have a 70 year wait time. Also, this is weird. they spelled a flavor with a you oh i didn't like that so much i really didn't like that so much i thought

that was kind of wrong of them um but that's just me um this person is from utah utah well guess what buster that that's my favorite so far guess what buster one last thing oh my gosh wow okay so i'm going to give a little background to this one uh because it's a very long review uh i'm I'm not reading at all, but this is a review of Dameron, D-A-M-E-R-O-N hospital. This is in Stockton, California. And this is a review that's a response to other reviews of this place. Okay, it's a rebuttal. This is a rebuttal.

And this is from a former employee who worked in the emergency room here and is upset to see how many negative reviews there are. and like the content of them and brings up a specific review as an example but this is a couple paragraphs response to it and this is definitely my favorite guess what out of all of them okay I'm excited here we go so it's a

one star nope it's a five star review of their they're a big fan of what the work that goes on here but here we go this is because they do it and this is like point number two out of four or something I think here we go when an ambulance calls in code three cardiac slash respiratory arrest, everyone and everything pretty much stops and all focus is put

into this oncoming patient. Every code three generally will require the whole staff's attention and teamwork depending on how serious the matter. You have one nurse charting, others starting IV lines, tearing off the patient clothes, prepping meds, inserting catheters, hooking up the patient to the monitor and recording their vitals or assisting the doctor in intubating the patient if needed. One Yelp review read, and I'm paraphrasing, the ER started to fill up, so they released me and instead of waiting 10 minutes until my boyfriend got there to pick me up, another nurse put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me out to the lobby. Yeah, I know they were busy and they needed the bed, but I told them that my boyfriend was down the street and he

couldn't wait 10 fucking minutes? No, I'm sorry, we couldn't have waited 10 minutes. First of all, I know Amy, and she's an amazing nurse, and she might have been having a bad, day. Secondly, the nurse that put you in the wheelchair was probably me. And yes, we were clearing the bed for someone who needed it more than you did. Really think about how selfish you sound. There could be someone dying and here you are looking for the world to pity you. Well, guess what? You're alive and yelping for Pete's sake. Also, you must understand that every time a patient left, it was our job, usually mine, to clean up the mess, dispensing linens and trash, discarding any sharps, thoroughly wiping down every square centimeter of the area to ensure cleanliness and patient safety?

Getting your shitty aura out of there with a little smudge, you know, stick and some incense, like, Jesus, get this bad vibe out of here. That takes time and not a lot of time that we have, especially when it comes to someone's life, end of review. Whoa, whoa. And that was not the end of the review. The review was much longer than that, but basically just being like, hey, it's a lot harder than you think to be a health care worker. A, B, it's a lot easier to be nicer than you are being on a yelping. Stop being such a shit head. You're alive and yelping for Pete's sake.

Yes. Which, like, we're all aliving and yelping for Pete's sake. And that's, it is a beautiful thing. If you can wake up every day and open the Yelp app, that means it's a day, a victorious day. And a day full of possibilities. And, you know what? Potential success. And true love.

Let's steal that. let's steal that you were alive in yelping for Pete's sake yeah it's good yeah we're gonna put that as our new motto so that yelp actually pays attention to us and sues us yeah then we'll write jsheddy said it first oh yeah j sheddy said it first all right thank you everyone for listening um we'll be back next week with an episode we're going to record in about two seconds and we can't wait and if you want to watch this on patreon you can on patreon and if you want add free episodes get that on Patreon if you want some merch we got merch beachusandy dot store we got social media new social media presence we've got a new social media presence it's um yeah it's exciting because

it's not us it's present and it's present and it's silly and there's some weird shit and it's exciting and i never know what i will open up the app to find it's honestly fun yeah it's usually a close up of my face uh anyway don't scare them off i'm trying we want people to go to our air social media okay uh we don't really care i don't know maybe they'll blur me i'm just glad they listened this far thank you bye