Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 378: Reviews of Televangelists

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

You can't spell spent without repent!Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free plus an additional 30% off when you shop at Blissy.com/beachtoosandyUse code BEACHTOOSANDY at jonesroadbeauty.com to get a Free Shimmer Face Oil with your first purchase! Head to livemomentous.com, and use promo code BEACH for up to 35% off your first orderNutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit Nutrafol.com and enter promo code BEACHTOOSANDYHead to Talkiatry.com/beach and complete the short assessment to get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. And he will raise you. Yes, he will. She's, okay, we're doing like youth pastor shit. That's right. I wonder why. I wonder why.

I wonder to episode 378 reviews of televangelists. Which, in my opinion, is worse than those youth fathers. You know what? Fuck all of it. I don't know. Was it worse than the, okay. Televangelists with their fucking 20 private planes? Yeah, I think they're worse than like young men who are creeps.

No. They're old men with creeps with billions of dollars. Yeah, they're both creeps. Oh, no. The youth pastors are going to be in the comments. And I, if, look. If you think we're talking about you this episode, we are. Here's the thing, guys.

It's a lot of attention on us right now. We have three cameras going. It's a lot. We've spent about 16 hours in this room, I think. I feel like I've been here for 10 years. I put a lot of effort into setting of this beautiful multi-cam studio. And Alexander kind of directed a little bit from his spot over you on the couch. She's laughing because it's literally the opposite of what happened.

She thinks she's being funny because Alexei's. I was like, you can help me, you know, and then she just sat there and kept watching. And then was like, what do you mean? Use your eyes when I couldn't find something in her own house. This hour 18, wait, hour 18 is when things really turned. I know you said 16 hours, but you're bad at time. We are reading reviews of televangelists, which was awful. And I am very excited because of how insane some of these are.

They are so nuts. Okay, I'm so excited for this episode. I want to ask you also, what was your challenge for today for later? I don't know. It was reviews in which someone haggles or barters instead of paying. Now, Alexander, I actually have several reviews that I read in Houston at the Houston Live show. Oh, I remember. Oh, okay, you do.

Good. Is there a cow involved? Not in these ones. Where was a cow then? Houston. So I have several reviews that I actually read at our Houston Live show. Okay. He lives in Joel Osteen.

I do? Oh. I was like, who are you? I'm talking about because leave me out of that. Joel Osteen. And I kept saying his name wrong on stage, Jill Osteen. And someone corrected you and like out loud. I'm like, who is that?

Joel himself? Who gives a fuck? No, I'm kidding. I get it. We need to be corrected a lot. I said, am I saying it right? And everyone went, no. Oh, that's true.

Of course, you were like self-conscious. So you had to get some audience participation. Joel Osteen lives in the Houston area. So I have a couple that I think one or two that I read in Houston. and the rest are unfortunately all new ones. But this first one I have is a one-star review by Jason of Joel Osteen Ministries. I mailed many letters to Joel Osteen from December of 2010 to September of 2012, and he didn't even keep them.

I found them in his trash every weekend after I sent something. I feel like maybe because it says he shredded them. How do you know that? How do you know that? He had like a tracker in the letter somehow that, like, What that says, beep, beep, beep, shredded. Or it's like the little tracker went out. And it could only mean one thing.

It can only mean one thing. The shredder got involved. Because those things can go through credit cards if you watch the commercials. That's crazy. I know. I would never have guessed they could go through plastic credit cards. That's what I'm saying. He shredded them.

Those letters were all about mental health challenges. Jesus. This is awful. So dark. Okay. Those letters were all about mental health challenges, Jesus Christ, the gospel, and the perils of fame and fortune. Hey, hey, hey. What's the difference between all of those?

The only reason Joel Osteen never allowed any of my letters to go public by posting or blogging them on the internet so everyone could read them and decide for themselves what's true and what's not true is because he himself is a celebrity. Jesus Christ said in Matthew 6 1 through 6 and Luke chapter 626 and many other scriptures that being a celebrity or doing good things publicly to be rich and famous is completely and totally against the spirit and character of God. Joel Oseon should know that. I think he does. I don't think he cares. I think that's the point.

I am surprised it took a couple years of writing letters, but it seems like this person came around but only due to very personal reasons. Only because they weren't involved, like somehow or drawn into the... Yeah, yeah. They didn't have the opportunity... Not buddied up with Joel. ...giving money so that he can buy more planes. Joel Osteen should know that hiding the evidence of what others believe

just because they disagree is not a victory. But thank God at least 12 other people and or churches have received copies of those exact same letters. Oh my gosh. The end. So that's good. The letter has been copied 12 times, even though one has been sure. There's 11 more out there. Yeah, every corner of the earth.

Keeping, oh my God, they sent them out to the, to the... Wait, you know who delivered them? To the 12 corners of the earth. Yeah, the farmer, the physician, the scientist, the magician. The other so-called gods of our legends, though gods they were. I think about Atlantis a lot. Yeah, me too. I knew.

You knew. I knew that was real. That's how I feel about the hurdy-gurdy man. What? Just whatever Donovan. He's infallible. Don't say that on air. Donovan is infallible and I would love to see him live because I keep forgetting he's alive and I'm pretty sure he's alive.

Are you kidding with me? But like, no, I think he's like not as old as I thought. He's 36. Yeah, he's only a couple years older than me. He's 79, which honestly I would have expected older. You know what Leon's new thing is, which is so fucked up. Oh, the little tin soldier. With only one leg.

Oh, man. No, what she does is... Oh, no? Okay. She goes, Boring! It's become an intrusive thought now whenever someone tells me a fact because I want to scream,

boring. I'm going to read a review. This was sent in by Kaylee, she, her. This is a Facebook one. This is a dozen recommend, so a negative review of God TV. Oh, good. Which is where you watch God on TV.

Right. Here is what does. Ben has to say. Make live feed, not stop, and go. How childish. Do you need the cash so bad? Is this for recording reasons? Is so wrong?

No way anyone can listen to it on and off, on and off, on and off. Hello? Is this the best you can do? I am ashamed of the greed of this network is sickening, and I know must be a stench in the nostrils of God. End of review. A stench in the nostrils of God is really, really, really. damning.

It is. It is. What could be happening? The live stream is lagging. I'm pretty sure that's all this is. And so this person's like, why can't you afford to do, you're asking for money. Meanwhile, your stream sucks, which is hilarious to me. Because that does piss me off when that's a thing.

But I would never be like, oh, my church, they are so greedy for that. I'd be like, wow, they should probably get something better. They pooped all over God's house. Yeah, no, and he sniffed it all up. He smelled every corner of that house, all 12 of them. We need to start this episode over. I think. I think we've lost the plot. Never. Okay, here is another review of Joel Osteen Ministries. This is the last one that I had in Houston. One star from 2023, and this one also has an update. This is from December 25th, 2023, Christmas Day.

Okay, I was going to say, am I supposed to, yeah, crew. I was thinking more about the year. I'll be honest, actually. It says 1225, but the review mentions December 24. I can only imagine we're counting down the minutes till midnight. It's posted maybe after midnight, but here we go. Where is Joel today, December 24th, 2023, the most important day of the Christian year? What was more important to Joel today than the birth of Jesus? This is on Yelp.

I mean, that's when his kid was born. December 25th, 2020. And Jesus? Uh-huh. His kid, Jesus. Uh-huh. Jesus the 3rd. because he has three kids named Jesus.

He's like the George Foreman of televangelist. Eight days later, update a review. Why all the secrets? Where's Victoria today? What about Joel Miss Day? Was Joel on a secret sexual tourism adventure? What about my Christmas Eve review? Where was Joel?

Why was it a secret? Maybe they were at a hospital attending a person on deathbed with terrible disease. Or were they out on an ultra first class vacation, spending your money on rum and debauchery? Probably that one. It's spelled D.E.B. Ochery. You see, calling out someone named Deb, is what I want to know.

Deb Ochery? That's a good drag name, probably. Deb Ottery is good. I'm sure. It probably exists, but if it doesn't, somebody do something with that. If you're on a vacation, let's hear about it, Joel. Why be ashamed of yourself? End of review.

I think this person's projecting a bit, but like, they're probably not wrong about some of it, but then the rest they're so wrong about that you're like, this person needs a nap. I just don't really understand what's happening. Someone's having a breakdown because Joel is not responding and is not being public-facing during the holidays. Oh, sorry, the Christmas season. Maybe the live stream kept cutting out. And he's like, where are you? Yeah, where's Joel?

And then he comes back. He's like, few, there he is. Like, he doesn't have object permanence yet. So he just keeps sinking. He's drinking rum. That's insane. Debt option. It was so specific that I thought, huh, this person might have a little bit of insight into Joel's life that I don't have.

But then as it kept going, it sounded like they're just throwing darts at the weirdest dartboard ever. Mm-hmm. Like, where's Victoria? Who's Victor? Oh, yeah. I think this person needs to get on Scientology's case and look for Shelley. Oh, shit. Yeah.

because Shelly. Shelly Miss Cavage. Oh, shit. Ms.cavich is missing wife. Anyway, this person needs to find Shelly. I think that, like, posting a Yelp review that ends up in the not recommended page doesn't speak highly of this person's ability to find anyone. But, yeah. But thanks for the idea.

You're welcome. I have another review of God TV. I will say Roy here does recommend it. However, I would say this is a negative. prayers show the face of Jesus more often in prayers. End of reviews. Which I don't understand in many. There are a lot of periods if you couldn't tell.

They want Jesus's face to appear more often on the screen is what I'm understanding. Yeah. Okay, okay. Okay, you could also just like put a picture of them up in your house. I would be shocked if Freud didn't have. At least one of those. For sure. And also, like, we have this set up with three cameras.

This was a lot of work. So, like, if you want a dedicated Jesus cam, you probably have to pay, like, a higher tier for that live stream. That's true. But to be fair, we are lucky that you did put a picture of Jesus on the ceiling. It was weird because you also put a matching one in your bedroom. I thought you weren't going to reveal that that was just, I was going to pretend it was a water stain and call in one of these fellas to come do a little, like, exposure.

Yeah, one of these fellas, yeah. What are these birds of a feather? Birds of a feather pray together. That's right. And now I have something from just Jen. She hurt. It's another review of Joel Osteen One Star by Samantha. I've been so far from real love that I don't know what it feels like.

Joel keeps saying my time is coming, but I'm 50 now and nothing gets better. I'm sorry. Why is Joel saying that to you? You don't know. Like it sounds like, so far, it kind of sounds like Joel is a psychic. of sorts. Oh, you mean like he's like providing services like a psychic would.

Yeah, I don't think he's actually psychic. That's a really, are you? Repent, repent. Give me, give me. Yeah, well, yeah, what do you think repent means? Repenticles? Repent, you can't spell spent without repent. That's true.

Never mind. It's true. I have been so far from real love that I don't know what it feels like. Joel keeps saying my time is coming. but I am now 50 and nothing gets better. I know he doesn't read his reviews. He says so. I am horrified to know God doesn't love me.

Jesus Christ! Three people found this helpful, and one said, thanks. What? Nobody said, oh, no, except me. Thanks, I was wondering if he read the reviews or not. Good to know. Why? I love that he said he doesn't read his reviews.

Yeah, like, under what context did he bring that up? My Yelp reviews. I was going to say, to be fair, we've said it, but then I guess that's kind of our niche. And then we actually have read our reviews, which is why we decided not to read our reviews. And if anyone said, Christine and Zandi keeps saying my time is coming, but I'm 50 and nothing gets better, I would probably do something about it. I would say, you made it to 50? You old hag.

Hey, we've been through a rough patch or two, I would argue. We're two. We have gone through all sorts of ups and downs trying to find help psychiatrically speaking. is what they call it. Believe it or not, we could use it. We could use it. I know it's hard to believe. We, uh, no, we've been on wait lists. We've been through the like process of moving and trying to find someone to help, you know, get your antidepressants back on track or whatever your medication looks like. It's really stressful. It is, which doesn't help when you're already feeling a certain way. No, it's a worst time to be stressed. Yeah, but thankfully there's tachiatry, which is a 100% online psychiatry practice and they provide

comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management. which when you don't have consistent medication management, that gets tricky. They do this medication management for conditions like ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and OCD. And you're... Check, check, check. Yeah, you're laughing because it sounds good to us.

Yeah, I'm in. Unlike therapy-only apps, top psychiatry, is psychiatry. That means you're seeing a medical provider who can actually diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe medication where appropriate, which is like a huge important banner on this whole ad. That's what makes it so exciting.

Yeah. So head to Talkkiatry.com slash beach and complete the short assessment to get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's talkkiatry.com slash beach to get matched in minutes. One thing when people talk about regular your energy and what you need to like feel good about your health, one thing they forget, myself included, is fiber. I know. And it's like, hello, we should know this by now, right? You'd think. You'd think.

That's why we're excited to be sponsored by Momentus because their fiber plus is going to change that for us. Thank you. And gut health, as we know personally, is very important. And fiber goes a long way. Specifically, Momentus Fiber Plus goes a long way. Yeah, something about being regular. We're not regular in other parts of our lives, but we are without gut health and our pooping because of fiber. Let us have this.

And guess what? Momentus Fiber Plus lets us. Fiber is not just about digestion, though. It is a key driver of gut health, which directly impacts nutrient absorption, energy stability, recovery, focus, mood, overall performance. I think we can all agree when we're feeling regular and also just healthy in the gut area, the rest of our lives are miraculously just a little bit better. It does.

It seriously does help. And thankfully, like everything that Momentus makes, Fiber Plus is built with a science first formulation, clean and minimal ingredients. no artificial additives or artificial flavors. Right now, Momentus is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code Beach. Head to LiveMomenus.com and use promo code Beach for up to 35% off your first order. That's LiveMomeness.com promo code Beach. I have another God TV recommendation.

Great. Remember that Kaylee sent these in, by the way. You're influencing me. You're on God TV? You're influencing me to get an account. You shouldn't. Here is a recommendation, though. Maybe Roberta here will convince you.

You can trust him. He's reliable. You can believe in him. He's always been with nobody else's. End of review. And it comes with a picture. Oh, you can turn. Explain that one.

We got some red patent leather heels. And unlike... Like reverse lubotons. A red heel with light blue... Like sky blue undersoles. Whatever they're called. The underbelly. of heels.

You know, the lubaton part. And like no other explanation. This person just... Just a high quality image of two shoes on a white background. Yeah. Two red hot pumps. Like they look like something you'd buy on Amazon if you want shoes from Amazon. For like an Alice in Wonderland costume.

Oh, okay. Like a slutty Alice in Wonderland costume. Well, of course. It's Alice in Wonderland. No. Okay, that's enough out of you. Okay, do you know about this fella? Which one is that?

This is Peter Popoff. Peter Pop off, Peter. Okay. I love it. Is that his like drag name? This fucker has haunted me for a long time. As Alyssa and I would watch it like God TV in the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep. And one time she and I watched the Peter pop-off infomercials for a while and she signed me up for Miracle Manna, a delivery of free Miracle Manna.

Miracle Springwater, and I still have it somewhere. And then from that day forward, the amount of mail that we received from the Peter Popoff ministries. This is the same woman, by the way, who stole Alexander's Pokemon card. Yes. And then also... Not Peter Popoff. Got me called a bitch at the Hard Rock Cafe.

I know you said the woman, but I felt like you going... You went really, like, you had... You barely mentioned Alyssa, and then you were like, this is the woman, by the way. Alyssa, I'm so sorry. She did this to me, and she did a lot of things to us. Yeah, I just wanted to make... sure. What the fuck? Oh, the divine transfer kit. So it's a bunch of books.

CDs. Oh, it's like a program. Oh, a divine transfer bracelet. Oh, my God, it looks like a live strong bracelet, but it's a cute. Holy dirt from Jerusalem. Oh, I like this one, seven hours in heaven. Oh, my gosh, seven whole hours. I know, right? Think of what you could get up to. Couldn't be me. What the hell?

What you could get up to in there? Okay. Yeah, a nice nap. That's what I would be doing. So this is a fissur review of Peter Popoff Ministries. It is a a redemption, so don't even worry about it. You. This is not a scam. Always a good start to a review of anything. Confensing. Profit Popoff is a true prophet.

This is a fucking tongue twister. I'm getting tricked into something I think. Poppet the prophet. Prophet Popoff is a true prophet whose prophecies are accurate, down to the detail. I was once skeptical myself, but tried his ministry anyway. And he has prophesied over my life for years now, as many of his prophecies have come to pass, like the Bible says they should if the prophecies are really from God. Prophet Pop-off has prophesied my dream job, dream car, pay increases, love, miracle money, change, et cetera, even before there was an actual need.

Okay, so that also kind of hits me the wrong way. I'm like, so you had enough money before you needed money. So now it's all things to him. Yeah. The latest was a windfall of $27,000 I received as an inheritance. He killed someone for them? Hey, wait a minute. That's really...

I'm in. I love this. In the name of God, he's going to assassinate. I'm like, I'll set a crusade against people for inheritance. Seven hours in heaven. Read that once. Wow. What's so significant about the amount is that it was the exact amount of life insurance left

after paying back the life insurance company. What was previously borrowed? Only God could have known that. What? What did he know? 27,000? So he's saying like, you will. And then this person's like, I'll let me do some math and it'll hit 27,000.

Like then it'll be real. Don't worry. If I buy it, two more bags of cat food will be in exactly 27,000. And that's what he said. Yeah. Profit pop off has also pop off profit. I can't. Instead of Go Off King, we can say pop off profit.

Popoff profit. Prophet Popoff has also taught me the importance of sowing seed. Oh dear. Oh, dear. Since being under his mentorship. Is that what I call it now? Ew. Since being under his mentorship,

sewing a $1,000 seed is nothing to me now. That's what they're worth? I fucking shouldn't have gotten a vasectomy. I sowed a $1,001 seed. Like into a mare? Like you're creating a fucking horse? At the beginning of the year, as a first fruit's offering.

I hate this so much. And God expedited the amount of time it took. That's not how I got an express pass. Like, what are you talking about? God expedited the amount of time it took for me to receive the life insurance money. Then I tithed. So he gave this man $1,000 to say, or this person gave him $1 to be like, you're sowing a seed. You're committing to abundance.

And once you get more money, it's because of the, because you gave me money. Yeah. Now God is going to expedite your order. You know. He killed someone fast. That's a thing. It's inheritance. I assume this person died.

And you know what? This person died and God is still blessing me six months later. So it sounds like... Like it was a blessing that this person died. Well, Alexander, a $27,000 blessing. Look, I get it for some people, but... And like, I get it for some people plus inheritance. Right.

I'm like, okay. But saying that God hurried is hilarious. God didn't even put that together. Fast pass. You go to Kings Island. It'll fast pass to your death. Like, what the fuck? Grandma right out of bed.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. He pulled the plug. Then I tied and sewed a huge seed out of the life insurance money. So, oh, so then he gets some money. Then he sows more seeds with the life insurance money. Like, this is insane.

Mm-hmm. Soed smaller seeds and gave alms. And God is still blessing me six months later. He's protected my finances, expedited other resources, sent help, open doors of opportunity, etc. I am so tired of unbelievers and the undelivered, rejecting and smearing great men and women of God. Those are narcissistic mind games or the spirit of witchcraft and anti-bibble. While corruption does exist in the church, every minister and profit can't be a fraud or we wouldn't have a church. What?

That sounds like what Pambani said the other day. Yeah. Yeah. No. We can't. We can't retaliate against them all or we'll have no system. Yeah. And it's like, okay, like you're admitting things.

Okay. It's speaking to the choir here. But like, man, that's crazy. will write. I thought that was my sign. I thought that was my sign to start. Yeah, no, it's your sign to stop, honestly. No one would have successful ministries that God blesses for long seasons like Prophet Pop-offs.

Critics better be very careful misrepresenting God and talking about his anointed as they can bring curses upon themselves. Prophet Pop-off is the real deal. If his prophecies haven't manifested in your life, it probably has more to do with the intention of their heart than his. Thank you, Jesus for your wisdom, knowledge, discernment, and revelation. four people have marked, oh, no. That's a perfect reaction.

Oh, no. This person's deep. With the sweat bead. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, this person clearly is projecting some shit with the, like, oh, they're anti-bible. They're narcissists for not supporting profit pop-off and giving him money or criticizing that. Like, it's crazy.

He's the anointed. Who anointed him? God. I love how it's like, yeah. That 2026, it's like, yeah, it's not Jesus. It's all these guys who make billions of dollars off of the people they exploit. It makes no sense. And it's a cult, so they'll never know.

It's a cult? Like witches? Uh-oh. Comes for a full circle. I'd rather have witchcraft than narcissistic mind games. Oh, yeah. No, they brought that up. And I was like, oh, okay, that's fine.

It's like they've heard that word. And then they were like, I'll take that. Copy paste it from a text. they received from someone in their life and then put it in this review. I just can't believe they care so much about someone being anti-biblical. And like, what even does that mean? It's nothing. But it's so, like, defensive over nothing.

Anyway, here is a five-star review of a book called The Power of the Tongue. Oh, God. It's like a sexual guy. I'm just kidding. It's by Kenneth Copeland. And it's about speaking in tongues. Oh, my God. Of course.

And this is the guy who like is fucking so creepy. I mean, they all are. But like the one who like was confronted about his spending in his planes. And he had this like such a creepy stare to this like this reporter. He's a fucking demon this man. And here is a five-star review of his book. Very good book on tongues. It's funny how you a person can't control their tongue.

You would think of such a little part of your body you could. But it's so true the things that you're. came out of my mouth before I was saved. Oh my. I'm wanting to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but haven't spoken other tongues. I know I will receive it because the word tells me, but nothing.

This is an excellent e-book. You will learn a lot about your tongue. End of review. It's an e-book. About how you can't move your tongue or something. You can't control your tongue? I mean, I'm really curious to look at what that. book says, you know, because it's like they're so confident they will speak in tongues someday.

I think which just made me so mad because obviously it wouldn't, well, it might work on me. But it must be convincing. Like, this person has real ambitions of speaking in tongues, gave it five stars. Hasn't even happen yet. And yet they're still that confident. They want to receive the spirit of the Holy Spirit, the blessing or whatever. You know, they deserve it because they want it. And yet here we are.

Kenneth didn't help. She said to sewed a big, a whopper of a seed. Well, they did by leaving that five-star review. That's the seed that they're leaving. Cheapskate. Yeah, I mean, they got to inject the seed directly into Kenneth. So I am a big fan of like having a, and it's rare for me to have like a clear counter, right? Like especially in a bathroom.

It's like impossible. Look around. You don't convince me that you're a big fan of it. I know, but that's why. Because it's like, you know, it's something unattainable for me. But one of the things that has really helped me is the Jones Road line and they have this Jones Road miracle bomb. Okay. And it's this bronzer.

And it's so moisturizing. and you can use it, I know, Alexander, not just as like a bronzer or a highlighter. You can use it on your eyes. You can use it to like give yourself an all over glow. I use it for multiple products in one and then I have fewer products and I look sleek and put together until you turn around and see everything else my house has to offer. But it is way easier to use and it looks glowy and dewy, but you're not really doing too much. you just have one product and it's kind of making me like a new me, you know. Wow.

Yeah. No, I've noticed the difference. No, I've noticed the difference. And here's the thing, though, Jones Road doesn't just have their famous miracle balm, you know? Yeah. They've built a full lineup of effortless, skin first staples, like they're just enough tinted moisturizer. I have not tried that, but I plan to.

Well, it's a lightweight non-commodogenic. Whoa. Sounds good to me. Find me up. It's smooth. than even skin tone with a soft touch of coverage. That's what I need. That is what you need.

If you want makeup that brings out your natural glow instead of hiding it, Jones Road is the way to go. For limited time, our listeners are getting a free shimmer face oil on their first purchase. Am I listening? Oh, my God. You don't listen to me, so. When they use code, what? When they use code Beach to Sandy at checkout.

Just head to Jones Road Beauty.com and use code Beach to Sandy at checkout. And after you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Okay. Finally, we're doing an episode where I actually washed my hair. And you can finally see if you're on YouTube and if you're not, just envision me with beautiful, luscious locks and you'll get the picture. Nutraful has helped me so much with not only my hair health, but also making me feel confident about how I look.

Because when my hair was thinning and I had some issues, especially in the shower, like it would come out. And it was a very dampening experience for the self image. It doesn't feel nice when you feel like you're losing your hair, especially, I don't say especially as a woman, but like especially if your hair is something that you feel as an identifying feature. Anyway, it's really a struggle. So that's why I like to, I just love that Nutraful is still a long time sponsor of ours. Yeah, no, for sure.

We both know what a great head of hair does for confidence. One of us knows from a place of lack and one of us knows from a place of abundance. Oh, beauty. Abundance and beauty. Those are my nicknames. Oh, man. But real change doesn't come from some big, flashy moment. It comes from the routines you commit to. And it's the small things you do every day that kind of add up over time. And that's the idea behind Nutrafol. It's not going to fix it overnight, but it will have an effect. It will. It really does work. Mutiful is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand. And it's a number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists. That's got to be a green flag. Let your hair become one less thing taking up space in your head and see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair, with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, NutriFo is offering our listeners $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you visit Nutifol.com and enter promo code Beach to Sandy.

That's Nutrifold.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com, promo code Beach to Sandy. This is a one-star review of Peter Popoff. I just cannot with this shit. Peter Ripoff is a huge scam. No one is getting money and all of the people on the infomercial are actors. The amounts these people are so-called receiving is fucking ridiculous. Someone needs to smack his ass with that miracle water.

What? Someone needs to- I want to someone. I'm trying to think someone's smacking my ass with water. What does it mean? Don't get too excited now. No, I'm not because I can't picture it. Seven people said, love this.

And two people said, oh, no. Oh, huh, huh. I thought something a Pokemon would do. Smack his ass with water. Blassois would smack his ass with water. But I cannot think of any other way to smack someone with water. How many do you have left? I've one.

Can I read one redemption of Peter Popoff before you read that? Yeah. Five stars by Mike. I had an incurable disease that caused my penis to fall off. After becoming involved in the Peter Popoff ministry, it started to grow back and now is a nice 12 inches. Wow. I can now do the helicom. as well as many other genital gymnastic feats, end of review.

Don't fly away. Wee. Gosh, I thought I was the only one with that issue. It's like fatty bear. It is like fatty bear. The bunny with the ears, right? Is that who does that? Yeah.

Cute. Except less cute. And the bunny with the ears does not use a penis to fly, by the way. I brought up the ears because the bunny uses said ears to helicopter away. So it's, believe it or not, not the same as a children's... CD-ROM we played. Here is a review. That's my last one. This is of the laws of prosperity written by Kenneth Copeland. Who's that? It's the same guy. Oh, that guy again. Here's a five-star review. If anyone writes and teaches you about prosperity, who else to listen to than a man who has

learned to walk in full prosperity by the Word of God? Who else to learn from than a man who believes so much in giving that he has given over 27 airplanes away, And still counting. End of review. 27 airplanes to whom? To like different churches. So, AKA probably billionaire friends or whatever. Yeah, I was going to say like.

Or tax bullshit. To Doctors Without Borders? No, probably not. Like I imagine them being able to buy planes is very different. Tax-wise being a church than it is for most. But I don't know that much. Good point if you're gifting them to churches. Yeah, I bet you get a fucking pushback or I don't know.

Pushback. What's that? The opposite. Pull forward, you mean. Yeah, no. 27 planes. Isn't that fucking crazy? And this person was, like, the review was sincere.

Like, it sounded sarcastic the way it was like, who better? No, no, no. Like, this person sees it as a very generous thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he said that when you're on a plane, they're demons. He was avoiding demons who want to, like, get to him on commercial flights, which is why he travels by private plane. It's not safe for me. No, like literally.

That's what he said. And he said it's like fine about the global impact because he has to. Yeah, well. And also. You can't lose him. All the other bullshit about it. Can you imagine if we lost him? It would be devastating.

He and his wife fly in like four different planes at once. Victoria, where are you? She's in storage and stowage. Yes, that's right, where she belongs. This is a five-star review. I do actually believe I brought this to the Houston show. I'm not sure if I read it because it's a wee bit long. Okay.

But it's a five-star review, redemption of Joel Osteen. So this was written in April of 2025, and it begins as follows. Part one, due to word limits. Oh, no. Joel Osteen was not what I expected. I'd grown up going to church, but since college and especially since kids, have only floated around various churches sporadically. So I have the unusual experience of experiencing many different churches of many sizes.

I happen to be visiting Houston and had zero intention of going to Lakewood. The thought never crossed my mind. What I really wanted to do was go to Costco. Visiting Costco's around the world is my guilty pleasure. That's so cool. I love all guilty pleasures. But they happened to be closed that day. And as I struggled to think of things to do in Houston,

it hit me that this is the home of the infamous Lakewood Church. I'd heard so many things about Joel Osteen and Lakewood over the years, the opulence, the loosely tied teachings to the Bible, the corruption and crookedness of Joel. I assume these things to be true based on how often they're repeated online and otherwise. I joked to my friend before going that I was purposely going to visit a cult so I could laugh at them. Funny, I've actually done this purposely in the past. I have the history of laughing at things people call cults.

Of heckling church, like religion, religious institutions. I'm so nervous about the conclusion of this. Jokes aside, I did want to attend with as open a mind as possible to leave an objective impressive for the rest of my life. So there I was this sloppy-looking Asian dude in Houston. wearing sweatpants and a graphic t-shirt full... Wait, I know a guy. Like, it's JP. Oh.

I was like... Sorry, literally. I was like, hey, my buddy, JP. This is a joke. This is not... I mean, it is a joke. That's not JP, but... So there I was, this sloppy-looking Asian dude in Houston

wearing sweatpants and a graphic t-shirt, full luggage in hand, walking into the giant stadium that is Lakewood. I remembered there was a shooting there about a year ago as I passed to the security gate. No one really greeted me, but the security guard went out of his way to tell me the various booths I could check out. No big deal. I walk around for a bit. The unusually giant bookstore selling Lakewood merch, etc.

The fact that they sell merch. Oh, I was just like thinking about dispensary merch and how ridiculous it is. Right. And now I'm like, wait, this is... Church merch. I was attending the second later 11 a.m. service. The first one had wrapped up probably 30 minutes ago.

I stumbled upon Joel surprisingly behind some basic security ropes with people lined up. He was individually greeting anyone willing to wait. Interesting. I had zero intention of greeting him as I don't want to shake hands with bad guys to be honest. Anyway, eventually I take a seat in the main congregation. It's a massive stadium. I started to count the seats and estimated it could probably fit 10,000 people.

This is JP. Did you count to 10,000? Or like, I, okay, that's not, when you estimate Christina, you don't have to count every single thing. But to say I started counting the seats. Uh-huh, and then finished and then probably multiplied. But it was largely empty, and I grabbed a seat close enough I could throw a rock on stage easily. Uh-oh. I found myself thinking that is...

Good thing metal detectors don't detect rocks. Good thing I brought a rock. I remember there was a shooting last year, so I'm glad I brought a rock this time. True, true. I found myself thinking attendance had probably slowed over the years as a controversy cut up to them, and only the weak-minded kept attending. Eventually the service begins. It kicks off with a few songs, sang by a large,

choir, a full band of guitarist, drummers, violinists, even at children's choir. I'm so traumatized about children's choirs. Man, man, this sounds terrible. The group of six or so main singers are the primary focus, but every part gets its time to shine. The singers are amazing, unbelievably talented vocalists, but not there to draw attention to themselves, like I often see at other churches, especially mega churches. Who are they?

Who's a... Okay, no matter. I find myself getting drawn in and actually singing a few words, something I never do. People around me dancing. The old dude is a suit sitting next to me, really getting into it. I look around and the formerly empty stadium is practically full now. Wow. This church may be a fraud, but they sure is heck know how to put on a concert.

Joel comes on stage, gives a less than five-minute message, then the service cuts to a video production. What? The video starts talking about how the church donates so much money. and helps various people around the world, yada, yada, yada. There's a video of a former druggie who accidentally watches a sermon

while visiting his dealer, only to end up in tears and turning his life around, very emotionally gripping, nicely done to the production team. I'm glad my interest is only in weed and that it's legal because I have that fear that one day I'm going to go into someone's house and just happen to get caught up watching Joel Osteen

and it's starting to feel it. Once the tears start, you're kind of a lot, your loss cause. I mean, honestly, once the violinist come out. Then it found the children's choir. No, no, no, they're dead to me. Then it finally happens, the calls for financial donations. The video goes into excruciating detail on all the ways you can give money and how the church uses it to bless others.

The video seemed longer than the message itself. This is what I came to see, and I confirmed in my head that Joel in the church was all BS. Nearly 70 minutes had already passed, and I figured it would all wrap up after they finished what they wanted to do, which is take everyone's money. All these idiots come each week to attend this lightweight service of mostly over-productionalized content. That is not a word. Feel good about over-productionalized. Feel good about themselves.

Wow. Okay, yeah. Right? Feel good about themselves. Give their money. Then leave and forget about church for another week. End of part one. See, here's the thing.

You're like, well, I can throw all this out. He said over-production-alized. You're like, uh-uh. Now you're on Joel's side. To my surprise, Joel then walks back up on stage and starts an actual sermon. It was almost 90 minutes in and the actual sermon hadn't even started yet. WTF, maybe these attendees aren't as lightweight as I thought. Joel starts talking about how we have to let go the chains holding us down,

whether it's negative thoughts, addiction, past mistakes, etc. Interestingly enough, I'd been really unusually down lately with negative thoughts after some negative experiences with someone who I thought was my friend. Joel said that if I made God my first priority, none of these chains could hold me down. I thought about it for a bit, and he was right. What? As an exercise, I tried to do what he was preaching, and I legitimately started to feel better. I let go of my depression, just like Joel said, and now I feel better.

I mean, it's like, all you're saying is they got you at when you were vulnerable. Yeah, precisely. Like, go see a professional. The sermon continues largely focused on the primary message, which without straying or going too unnecessarily deep, which I think a lot of sermons make the mistake of doing. They did 90 minutes of like money talk. I didn't think that's their primary thing. Joel then starts to talk about a story in the Bible about a guy who used to have a family, but now he's poor alone, mentally unstable, and hurting himself by cutting his body up.

What a psycho story to bring up on Easter Sunday. This is Easter Sunday? Yes. Oh, that changes a lot. What a psycho story. This is going, this has been off the rails. It's still going. It's trucking along somehow.

Joel quotes various Bible verses along the way, probably five to ten of them, which reversed a previous assumption of mine that his messages are only loosely based on the Bible. Joel goes on to say that we can sometimes be the poor mentally unstable man who is cutting himself. But instead of physically hurting ourselves, we do it mentally, wow. That is not a wow. Uh-uh. That was me. That pisses me off.

Joel was right. At this point, I'm drawn in as ever, and it's as if he's speaking directly to me. The sermon goes on for maybe 25 minutes total, and by the end, I'm embarrassingly fighting back tears. I wish this review was anonymous because it's embarrassing to say, but I feel like I should say it. I'm basically this grown man in my 30s all alone

and sloppily dressed at church on Easter Sunday, luggage in hand, and I'm here bawling with my lips quivering like a kid. The dude wasn't saying anything particularly technical or extensive, but it was hitting all the right parts of my mind. Now I'm bawling. I can't even remember the last time I cried. I came to church to make fun of the people here. And here I am, one of a handful of standing up out of 10,000 embarrassing myself instead. Joel said, if you're not ashamed to stand up for God, he won't be ashamed to stand up for you. And while the devil may be telling you to sit down or to stand up some other week, that week might never come. It was a trip. Oh, the devil's like, stand up in the 50th third week of the year. Wink. That week might never come. Joel missed?

Anybody? Joel says he'll be outside waiting to greet anyone who wants to talk to him. And sure enough, when I walk out, he is shaking people's hands and taking selfies with 100 people in a line that eventually gets closed. It struck me that he does about three sermons back to back every week. And each time afterwards like clockwork, he's there to greet people, just like some of my favorite, in my opinion, most humble heroes like Raphael Nadal. What?

This sounds crazy, but I'm somewhat famous, too. Oh my God, is this Roger? This sounds crazy, but I'm somewhat famous in a niche industry, too. So I know how exhausting it is to shake hands with long lines of 100 plus strangers eager to meet you. What fuck do you do that? What kind of niche are you in that's not an athlete or mega preacher? Maybe they're a podcaster. I've done that all the time.

The donations were completely optional were asked one time, then forgotten. I didn't donate myself. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe he was a real deal. Maybe all the rumors online were fake or misinformed. Heck, I might even buy one of his books or listen to his podcast. One thing for sure, I'm moved enough to pay $8 to Southwest on this long flight home so I can have internet to type up this review.

Shoot, maybe I did get scanned by this fake preacher. I'm a skeptical enough person to still consider. that possibility, but at this point does it even matter? I'm here writing the spiritual high that I've rarely gotten from dozens of other real preachers, and I got it all for free. There has to be something special about that. I guess my parting thought for you who's skeptical and curious is try to attend yourself and make your own opinion.

That's a fucking stadium worth of people. That's crazy town. It is crazy. That is literally Crazy Town right there. Wow. Population 10,000. Mayor Joel Osteen. It's so.

Mayor of Crazy Town. Because, yeah, is this so obvious how they got manipulated into it or at least like... A full video production of how much money they give to people is crazy. And then it was like, well, they only asked once. What? Didn't you just say they'd spent... This sounds like... Oh, my God.

It almost sounds like a fan fiction of what Jolie Osteen thinks his haters should do. Or like how an experience with one of his haters would be that shows up and it's like, you know, I thought they were all idiots. You were so stupid. Like it was really harsh, but then it was like, but actually, turns out I was wrong. I mean, it's probably the same guy who wrote the story of the druggie going to his friend's house and being so moved by a fucking sermon that he turns his life around. That's literally what they thought like sex ed would do in Catholic sex ed would do to us. Okay, I hate to use like a personal endorsement for the saint for a different ad. But I just have to say once again, today I finally washed my hair and we're doing this ad for for blitz.

now. And I, Blissie has become one of those things in my day-to-day life that I feel like has contributed so much without me having to do anything, which is just using a Blissy pillowcase and feeling like my hair doesn't break as much. And it's like, what an easy fix that I didn't know would be so easy. It's something you would normally think about. And that's the same with me and like acne in my face. I've had a lot of issues. Oh, yeah. I'm a drooler. What can I say? Oh, God. And I do love the fact that Blisssey does. Oh, Blisssey is no longer sponsoring us after that comment on something. I was like, wait, did you just get that email?

No. No, but Blisssey does go a long way for acne as well because of how good it is to switch your pillowcase up for your skin. Plus it feels better. Like now if I don't sleep on one of their pillowcases, I'm like, I feel hot and uncomfortable. It's definitely cooling. They use highest faulty silk and it's very naturally cooling, breathable. You can just feel that it's like less just damaging to your hair and skin.

And they've sold over three million. okay, of these, that's got to be worth something, I would say. I mean, they've also, there are 13 times award winning. I don't know what awards, but that's more than we have, so. I'll give them a 14th. There you go, first place. Because you're a listener, Blisssey is offering 60 nights risk-free, plus an additional 30% off when you shop at blissy.com slash beach to Sandy.

That's B-L-I-S-S-Y.com slash Beach-2 Sandy, and use code Beach-2 Sandy to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair, well, thank you. My challenge was to find reviews in which someone haggles or barters instead of straight up paying. And I only have a few, but I like them. Okay. This is from Jenny, Sheher, and this is a four-star review of the Portland Saturday Market.

And here it is. Being a big fan of flea markets, it's like the old saying. One man's junk is another man's stuff he can sell for an outrageous price. I was super excited for the Saturday market. Not as much of a selling ground for random stuff, but much more of a small bite, some performers, people watch, and a little bit of a carnival vibe situation going on here. And I dug it.

You can get some good haggle action going on. And who doesn't love some good negotiation to kick off the day? Me. Yeah, I was like, that sounds terrible any part of the day. The empanadas I got were pleasant. The corn dog was nethered. Not as good, but I should have expected that. They have a section where they sell beer, but you are confined to it. Nobody puts me in a corner, but I chose to obey their rules.

Everyone's just so nice. I put myself in the corner. Yeah, nobody put me there. It was a choice. Everyone's just so nice here in Portland. Definitely a way to kill a couple of hours and have some fun. End of review. That's nice.

Hagle action. The thing is, that was most of them. And that's why I don't have too many, because people haggle, especially like, international. Like, there are a lot of trip advisor reviews mentioning, bartering, haggling, but it was so normal. It wasn't like, this crazy thing happened because of it. It's like, yeah, if you're doing that, it's usually either someone says, I don't do that,

or they say, okay, and then you come to an agreement. Or you don't. Yeah. So I was trying to find some more unique ones, but that's good. Anyway, here is a five-star review of another place in Portland. Here it is. It says this. I own the highest in demand cleaning company.

in Portland, Oregon. Ooh, la la. I threw up in my car and bartered house cleaning in exchange for my carpets in my car to be deep clean. I was so impressed with quality. Seriously. Look, no further. End of review.

Oh, wow. So they like, it was like a detailing place. I hadn't, I didn't see. There was no name. I thought it was going to say like, I haggled with my own staff to clean my car for me. It was weirdly, like, of all people, I'm surprised they're the ones who are like, can I trade cleaning for cleaning? But it kind of makes sense.

Like, I like that. I mean, I like it. matter what, but how fun. Yeah. I wish we had a skill like that. Me too. That's not like podcasting. Yeah, what?

No one wants to trade for that. We've tried. Yeah, except for the sponsors that send us free shit, I guess. Boring. Boring. Boring. Just kidding. Keep it up.

I enjoyed it. And then here's something I found. This is a review of Hotel Rueh, Rue, Negril. Wow. I said that terribly. Pretty. In Orange Bay, Jamaica. Oh.

Here is a five-star review. First of all, it's best to remind yourself, this is Jamaica. So there is never a rush and everything is done at a much slower pace. The beach was disappointing in that the sea was not crystal clear and there is a lot of seagrass. The sand in the sea is sticky and you find yourself wondering about what you can't see. Ugh! Sorry, that scared me. It's creepy.

However, if you visit the seven-mile beach, the sea and sand is beautiful. every day there's a bus that stops at the front of the hotel and takes you to Margaritaville. Free! Hell yeah! Isn't that amazing? Hell yeah! Why do you think I booked a trip here? Oh my gosh.

Can I get in the stowage and meet you there? Yeah, yeah, where the suitcases go. Victoria, are you in here? Probably. This is at 1130 and returns at 4, ideally to experience the beautiful 7-mile beach. The people that have stalls on the beach are very friendly and approachable. Never pushy or intimidating. They like rum and sandwiches, though.

So if you can use these items to barter, it's a win-win. Which I don't really understand that because you lose your sandwiches. First of all, a lot of people like rum and sand. Like it sounds like, oh, those Jamaican peddlers, they're a big fan. It's like, sounds like a video game where it's like, if you go up to these people specifically, you can only use rum or sandwiches to barter. The rum, I'm like, I get that. I'd rather give someone rum than a sandwich.

Like, what kind of sand? Like, that's so personal. Sandwiches are so personal as a gift. You're right. Like, because if it's, like, a ham sandwich versus, like, a tuna salad. Like, every single one, I feel like is somewhat, like, peanut butter sandwich. And then a Rubin. And then a Rubin.

I mean, it's all over the place. What are you doing is all I'm screaming? You just got to hand them, like, something universal. Like. You know what I just realized? Sandwiches. They meant sand witches. Silly me.

Those little guys in the hats. Stop it. Oh, you've never been to Jamaica. No, I'm going with you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what? I only saw those after many hours at Margaritaville. I missed the bus.

That's how bad it was. And I was walking around the beach. And they carried you home. Whoa, look at all these. Look at all these sandwiches. And they carried you all the way back. Yeah. It's actually just a bunch of little crabs.

They were so cute. Yeah. Anyway, we would not return because it's a big world out there. And we always choose somewhere new to visit. So never go to any place twice. But we loved every second of our holiday in Jamaica. And we'll always remember it with a big smile. Wow, that's beautiful.

That's not fun. Very helpful review. At first I was like, it was five stars. So at the end, they said, we will never return. I was like, oh, what the hell? What happened in all these paragraphs all of a sudden? I've had that conversation with Blaze because we went to Belize for our honeymoon. And I was like, we should come back here.

And then we were like, if we ever are able to do such a big international trip, we'd probably go somewhere new. But it's like, oh, that's a little sad. Like, I would love to go back. No, it is sad because, like, I went to New Zealand. I went to Indonesia. I went, like, there are certain countries where I'm like, I would love to go back. And then I realize, yeah. You'd have to make an intentional.

And they're so far that it's like, I would love to experience them again and differently, especially because, like, Indonesia is so big. There's so much to see. And I'm like, eh, I, there's so much else to see. Yeah. But it was cool. Jakarta. I've never been to Bali. I've never been to Bali.

I've never been to Fiji. Oh. What about the island of Java? Never been to Java. You've never been to Ova Java? I literally said that. And that's why I drink like two days ago. It's about like two days ago, too, to my friend.

Oh, no. Y'all, thank you for a fun time. Beach, Sandy Water, Tewat. If you forgot, you can see all this on YouTube. And we're trying a new setup. So hopefully it's pretty. We hope so. How pretty do I look?

tell me four years to get it set up so and even then it's probably going to be changed next week but let us know what you think we love you hi