Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 379: Reviews of Dude Ranches

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Howdy everyone and welcome to Beach Two Sandy Water to at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. And I'm the brother host, Zandi. Welcome, welcome. It's good to have you here for an episode about... Dude ranches.

This is something. I, when I tell you, I don't think I've ever laughed this hard while researching, which was so... I read the... I was like, Dude Ranch. This is going to be stupid. And I sort of reading things. No. And it was in the funniest way.

Yeah. Usually when it's something stupid, it's like a good thing in our industry, you know. No, non-derogatory. stupid. Well, we had an experience at a dude ranch as children. Unfortunately. I think we've probably had many experiences, most of which we've blacked out. I don't think we had many dude ranch experiences. I just feel like that day was probably packed with a lot of really traumatic incidents. I see. A lot of experiences at one dude range in one day. Because we were both there and both our parents were there. And that's not like a normal set up. That is a rarity.

Or at least dad was there. He definitely was there. He was there, which like already in and of itself is creating quite a situation. So you caught a fish. I did. I was vegan ever since. It hurt you. It attacked you. It attacked you. I did get attacked. And then now I look back and think, you know what? That fish was defending itself. You were in its house. Yeah. No, I was in the water in its house for sure. Yeah. Yeah. There were horses. It's just like not my jam. Believe it or not, it was a dude. Which if you don't know what it is, I don't really know either. Nobody really knows. It's like a ranch with horses. That's the thing about dude ranches is like no one really knows what it means. Because we won't Google it.

But that's okay. Honestly, it kind of makes it better sometimes because I have some wild reviews that are like, this is what a dude ranch is. My first one was sent in by Sam near Tucson, Arizona. Okay. And it is a one-star review. This was what Catherine had to say. Came here back in June for our honeymoon, and it was an absolute disaster.

We checked in and went out for dinner, came back after dark, and were swarmed in the parking lot by dozens, probably 20 at least, Pavilina Higgs. We were literally so scared to even get out of our vehicle, waited about 15 minutes, and tried to get to our room as swiftly as possible, which was a huge disappointment because we planned to visit the pool and were too scared to leave our room after making it there. Then to top it off, in the morning when we packed our bags, there was a huge cockroach on our luggage,

spiraling us in rage to end up. empty our stuff and be sure we didn't bring any home with us. Went to the front desk and she apologized and refunded our one night's stay, which was nice, but it ruined our night here and I would never come here again. Huge disappointment, end of review. The way that seeing of 20 havelina pigs would do the opposite of ruin and experience, they are so freaking cute. The entire time I'm thinking swarmed by like man-eating wasps, like what could it possibly be?

That's many things being swarmed by would be really upsetting and would scare me into my room, But pigs? Don't get me wrong. Some pigs, especially wild pigs. They're aggressive, dangerous, of course. But guess what? They're adorable. And that's all that mad.

No, I think what really made me mad. When you're not used to seeing 20 Havolina pigs, I'm not saying you should be like, oh, let me go pet them. Let me TikTok this real quick. But to get your whole stay, your one night's day refunded. I mean, really. Everyone is so friendly. They gave service of five stars on there underneath.

But they gave the whole thing a one star. What's that? outside animals. They're like, I get that like there shouldn't be bugs. It's not like bed bugs though. It's like a bug got inside. That's not really their fault. I feel like a cockroach at a dude ranch.

I think, I don't know. It's probably so normal. What is it? Tell me the punchline. There's no punchline. It's just so normal. That's the thing that it's not even funny. Oh, wow.

I know. Wow. I know. There's no punchline to be made. But yeah, hovelina pigs are adorable. So go look them up. I went to the, uh, la Sowaro.

I don't know what the fuck it was. Sawaro National Park, Sawaro Park. I saw a lot of cacti. It was so freaking cool. And they have Havelina pigs there, but I didn't see any. I saw lots of pictures of them,

and they were adorable. And then got some cactus pear jelly. It was a great time. Congratulations. Thank you. Here's a review sent in by Andy, they, them. This is the Woodside Ranch Resort in Moston,

Wisconsin. This is a one-star review by Deb, and the title is stinky, filthy, disgusting, and way, way overpriced. Wait, why did they include a picture of you? That's so weird. I felt that coming and could do nothing to stop it. I have never written a bad review before, but I must do so now. We came to Woodside for a family reunion.

My husband and I were put in a cabin called Forest Inn that looked different from any other cabin. I think it was the oldest one, but the worst part was the stench. Oh. It smelled like people had smoked in there for years and the place was never cleaned properly. Literally it made me nauseous. My nose ran nonstop and I coughed the whole time I was in there. Plus the lighting was so bad I could barely see to read. Even leaving all the windows open all night did not help relieve the stench.

The bed had old worn down bedclothes. There was no table of any kind or luggage rack. Two chairs, one of which was upholstered and was so filthy I wouldn't sit on it. Two cuck chairs and both of them were filthy? I knew you were going to say. You can't bring up chairs in a hotel room without me saying the word cuck. I'm sorry. I take pictures and send them to my friends if there's a special one.

Sometimes there's like, I've had one. That was on like an elevated platform. Like that was the most where I was like, okay, this one's not even a bit. Like this one seems perfect. It's a throne more than anything. Yeah, a cuck throne. Alexinner, stop. You get it.

You get it. You should, why are you complaining? You get it so well. Plus the lighting was so bad I could bear. Because we share a lot of. hotel rooms and you say it every time we get a room and I'm like cut it out. Because what else would it be called? I'm sorry.

It doesn't need to be called. They never face the TV. They're always facing the bed. What else are they for? Putting your shoes on, which is always what I'm doing when you bring up of cup chairs. Shut up, this is a long review. This place is advertised as all inclusive, but all they had in the room was a small bar of soap, no shampoo.

The walls and ceiling were almost black and it felt very claustrophobic as the dirty windows were so small. The dark carpet stunk also. We were told not to go to the dining room until we heard the dinner bell ring. We went to the bar for happy hour, had one drink, couldn't hear the bell from there, and the bartenders did not inform us.

No bartender was like, dingal-ling-l-l-le-it. It's dinner time. This is the supplementary bell for those who didn't hear the initial bell. Like, you get one bell. And if you don't hear the bell, that's not the bartender's fault, in my opinion.

I agree. Unless it's like an intercom system, like at school, and it's like, ding-dong. Right. For some reason, I don't know. Yeah, but then you should, like, if you can't hear it. Then the bartender should go, ding dong, time for dinner. That's what I would do.

And then no one would show up. Be all in the cut chair waiting for me. You couldn't be. Couldn't hear the bell from there, and the bartenders did not inform us. It was dinner time. When we noticed the time, we ran in and found everyone else already eating. No, they started without them. Yep.

So rude. For the price, we were charged $332. for Sunday night only. We should have been served lobster. With the main... What? Sorry. $330, all inclusive.

Okay. Also, like not $330. But yeah, $332, allegedly. Oh, allegedly. Yeah, we have a counter- argument. Yeah, we haven't heard the counter argument yet. I got to say, I have a lot of owner responses.

Fucking crazy. Well, the owner responses were next level on the dude ranches. They took it personally. And I think part of it. it is probably because they're not like corporation. Right. It's just copy paste. Because it was a lot of people.

I didn't see AI responses. Yeah. Yeah. Just pissed off. It's just like, I can't wait. Who would piss off a dude at a dude ranch? Of all people at the dude ranch?

Like that's not. Piss off the ranch first. Just off someone else. Yeah. Piss off someone your own size. Oh, yeah. We should have been served lobster, but the main course was macaroni and cheese.

Also, if someone served me lobster at a dude ranch, I would be really concerned. be like, I don't think I want to eat this. Yeah, that's a good point. Why would there be in Wisconsin? Like, what are you talking about? I did catch a fish on a dude ranch. Did.

It was a lobster. And we did eat it. Raw. It was like this big. A little crawfish. The main course was macaroni and cheese. Then we were told that the only way we could have breakfast was to go by horseback. I got picturing them saying like how our mom would be like, our mom would be like,

our moms growing up with our neighbors would be like, you can't have dessert until you do a lap around the house. And then they'd be like, oh, one more. And they make us do like 10 laps. We got dessert. Yeah, it does feel like our house. For all things breakfast, you wake up and they're like, hop on.

Get on a horse. Was by horseback or buggy, which I'm like, okay, that's not as bad. Don't lead with the horseback. Oh, so you have to like move to get there. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, but wait a minute. The only way we could have breakfast was to go by horseback. horseback or buggy into the woods.

Bugs were horrible. So we signed up for the horse ride for Monday at 9 a.m. We put our heavy jeans and shoes on and walked through a wet, muddy tunnel under the highway. What? Okay, I did not expect a highway to be running through this place. In overpass. That's hilarious. And then we stopped under the overpass for breakfast.

Like, what? Into the woods, though. In our heavy jeans. Not the heavy ones. We put our heavy jeans and shoes on and walking. through a wet, muddy tunnel under the highway over to the horses. An employee told us we would be leaving in seven minutes.

We started talking to a guest and found out that the ride was just a ride. That the breakfast ride had been canceled. What? No one had informed us. So they just got on some horses and we're like, where's breakfast? No halfway through.

And they were like, what are you talking about? Oh, my. We're not feeding you here. Imagine they were on fully horseback. Yeah, it sounds like it. Were they not? Just for fun. Oh, yeah.

They were just on a horseback riding trip. as you do at a dude ranch. Like, apparently, that's what it was all. It seems like the main topic. That means him the main topic in their reviews. By now I had about all I could take. Woodside charges per person, not per room. They had no other cabin available,

so I checked out and was charged extra for only staying one night, but at least I don't have to throw away another $500, staying in a place that literally made me ill and is so unorganized. My husband opted to stay because he wanted to see his relatives. He had no problem with me leaving because he too was terribly unhappy with the place. I would never ever recommend this place to anyone

for what it costs and really the horses are the only thing extra. I mean, every place has a pool. I stay for a whole month in Jamaica at a great condo on the sea. Woodside is the worst value for my money that I've ever experienced. End of review. That is insane comparison. Yeah. The complaints made about having to wear heavy jeans,

having to ride horses or a buggy, you're at a dune ranch. Where do you think you are? A condo in Jamaica. They woke up and they were like, wait a second, I thought I was in Jamaica. Oh, my God. Why is there an overpass? No wonder they wanted lobster.

They wanted seafood. No, you're getting mac and cheese. Fucking lobster. That's crazy. If they think they were like that. We should be getting lobster. Like not lobster, Mac. Lobster.

Right, 100%. Or mac. Okay, well, here's the response for. owner. This is in Wisconsin. Don't dream about Jamaica when you're in Wisconsin. And not even anything against Wisconsin. Not that I've been there. But of all fucking places. Just wait till you get more context. I'm waiting. We have reviewed the menu from your time of stay with our chef. Mac and cheese was on the menu. However, our down-home cooking meal was actually fresh baked ham, mac and cheese with California blend vegetables, and as always a fresh salad and homemade cinnamon

rules. Our breakfast ride has been a ranch favorite for over 70 years. However, it does not go out in an inclement weather. In this case, we serve the exact same breakfast in our dining hall. We had over 100 guests here at that time, and they all managed to get breakfast and 5.30 p.m. dinner the night before, just fine. We are sorry about the bugs at the time of your stay, but that is beyond our control. Bug repellent is provided for purchase in our trading post. You are being very misleading on your rates for Sunday night only. We have reviewed your invoice, and according to our records, that is not the rate you actually paid. In fact, it was much less. If you would like to discuss this, please feel free to call the office at your earliest convenience. It's also like, yeah,

don't you think they can see that? Yeah, well, the thing is, the people who read the reviews can't. They're complaining to like the public, right. Venting about shit. Exaggerating shit. Yeah. And like, so far, this response by the owner seems a lot more level headed than most I've read. So I'm like leaning towards their side for sure. We were happy to accommodate the rest of the 100 people in your family reunion. Oh. That's what I was. I was wondering about the husband, like, oh, we wanted to be with his family.

I'm like, okay. Buried the lead there for sure. Oh, everyone was eating without us. It was literally their whole family booked out this ranch. That's insane. So like you didn't hear the bell. They wanted their whole family started to hold my hand and carry me to the breakfast nook or whatever.

As a gong rings ahead, yeah. The bartender's supposed to pick me up and carry me there. Right? This is crazy. We were happy to. to accommodate the rest of the hundred people for your family reunion for their four nights day, including your husband. Your husband was great. You fucking suck.

He didn't seem to mind. Yeah, figuring out the dinner bell for himself. We are sorry your experience was less than enjoyable. However, may we remind you, Woodside Ranch is an all-inclusive dude ranch, not a Jamaican condo resort. Thank you, Woodside Ranch General Manager. It's like, you're just weakening your argument. Why would you Bring of Jamaica is so much is so unnecessary. So funny. I stay in a condo in Jamaica every year. Cool.

That's really nice for you. Yeah. I feel like people who go to dude ranches generally are not people who would normally be on any type of ranch. Fair point. You know, it feels like it's meant for that. But yeah. You shouldn't be leaving one star reviews and complaining about shit like bugs. Also, like it sounds like your in-laws were not really that keen to tell you that dinner was served.

Oh, yeah. And also your husband was like, I totally understand you not. staying here. Yeah, bye. Oh, man. I just moved and I'm so excited to have my Lisa mattress. My new spot I got a new bed frame for it. I'm like, because it's so nice

that I was like, I need to build around it and make sure it's happy. You can't just let it sit on the floor. It's giving you probably the best sleep. Of my life? Yeah, because like before, you know, we didn't necessarily have mattresses that were like super good quality. We're not going to get into that. But when Lisa came along, it really changed the game.

They have a lineup of beautifully crafted mattresses tailored to how you sleep. I was able to get matched with a very specific type for the way he sleeps. I love an online quiz that asked me those kinds of questions. It did match me with the perfect mattress. Lisa also donates thousands of mattresses each year to those in need while also partnering with organizations like Clean Hub to help remove harmful plastic waste from our ocean. So we're really proud to partner with them. You can go to Lisa.com for 20% off mattresses plus get an extra $50 off with promo code Beach.

We're exclusive for our listeners. That's L-E-E-E-S-A.com, promo code beach for 20% off mattresses, plus an extra $50 off. Lisa.com, promo code beach. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more.

Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. Well, Sam sent in something else, and this is also near Tucson, Arizona, of the Medea Vena Ranch. It's a wedding venue slash dude ranch in Redington Hills. And it's a one-star review here by Tanya. Very uninviting place and staff. Very disappointed to waste our evening on the food truck Friday night.

My own horsebar and patio are more fun. End of review. Okay. And here's what the owner says. Wow, Tanya. I'm sorry that you did not enjoy the free admission, free parking, free dance lessons. DJ that took requests and played all night long, free lawn games, ping pong, and happy hour.

Not to mention the variety of food trucks. So, I guess you would not enjoy the sunset trail rides that will be starting this month either. Enjoy your patio. End of their response. It's fucking roasted, man. But like, without even doing anything. Without, but that's the best kind of roast, man. Just like, oh, I guess we won't be seeing you at our XYZ.

It's all about getting people. Like, when I. read that kind of response, I'm like, oh, this is actually informed of what goes down there. It sounds fun. Instead of a stupid complaint about them being uninviting. If anyone ever told me, like, my horse barn is more fun than this place, I'd be like. Why are you here? Yeah.

Yeah. Go tend to your horses. Yeah, like, I don't think I'm going to change your mind. It sounded like I meant it as an insult. Like, go tend to your horses. No, but you should. Sounds like an insult to me. I do know. I've read some about some dude ranch owners who don't tend to the supposedly don't tend to their horses.

I know. I read those two. Someone's got to say it. Those were a bummer. This is also from Andy. It's called Dead Horse Lodge in Mercer, Wisconsin. Wait, a dude ranch named Dead Horse? Mm-hmm. I'm just. Dead Horse Lodge. Oh, it's where they lodge all the dead horses. Yeah. One star by Tanya called Regrettably Disappointed.

beautiful place, but the people who run the lodge were a nightmare. First I was a little taken aback when we walked in and found laminated rules posted in almost every area of the cottage. Secondly, my family and I felt as though the owners were awkwardly watching our every move. For instance, we could see one of the owners watching us from his screen door as we were having a campfire and roasting marshmallows. To finish off this strange experience at the Dead Horse Lodge, the property owners literally screamed at my husband, hands flailing in the air and all, for driving on the grass to get our stuff. stuff from the boat. This could be a very beautiful place, but I felt as though the people running the show completely ruined it. Unless this place comes under new management, I will not

be returning, nor will I be recommending the place to anyone. Complete waste of money, extremely disappointed. In the review. Nothing even stuck with me, because I'm like... It's so blah. Here's the response from Dead Horse Lodge owner at Dead Horse Lodge. Okay. Oh, Mr. Dead Horse Lodge. The guest moved huge rocks and drove over our sewer, system and we were quite upset. As far as the other accusations, we live across the street and have no view of this unit. We have owned this resort for 30 years and respect our renter's privacy. Our units are very clean and well maintained.

Sorry she had a bad view of our resort. One of the guests from that rental did call and apologize to us for their incident. I've only had to do that once. Apologized for someone in my party who was acting up. And it was like, but it also weirdly was like a no-brainer. Yes. It's like a distressing. thing, but then it's like, at least you have your head on straight.

Because you watch this as shit like that happened. You're like, what else am I going to do? But apologize because it's so fucking. That's like all you can do. It's so bad. And you don't convince these people in the moment not to be. So yeah, it's a very telling when someone from their part. And I love that they're like, hey, by the way, someone apologized for your behavior.

Yeah. So then I can be like, which one was it? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so some discord. Which might not be good. Ooh. Yeah.

I like the drama. Dead Horse Lodge told me that you. The drama is so good. I'm moving on to something from Stacy. Okay. And this, I was at the coffee shop, and this is the one that I was drinking coffee mid-review and just like dribbled it all out. Like, people saw me, like, I went. It was bad.

I was loose in it. Here we go. This is of the Cook Forest Scenic Trail Ride, Dude Ranch, and Campground in Clarion, Pennsylvania. This is a one-star room. Review by Nathan. Awful customer service and all-around experience. My family and I booked a day for a beginner trail, but it was anything but that. The trail was steep and had sharp curves and was rocky and muddy everywhere.

We were miserable. My horse didn't listen at all, and I got smacked into branches, jostled around, and my legs nearly got crushed between the horse and trees. Despite my struggling, the guy didn't offer any support and instead mocked me about my skill and joked that my girlfriend would leave me, which just seemed out of nowhere. Worst of all, a deer jumped out and scared our horses. I was spun around and my mom was flung off and fell hard on her side and was crying in pain. Oh my God.

It took nearly 30 minutes for help to arrive despite us being relatively close to the camp. And when they did, the driver nearly flipped the vehicle over. The best they did for us was some pain killers and a refusal to go to the local hospital for him because my mom wanted to do. to get x-rayed at her own hospital. Some staff seemed concerned, but were slow and nonchalant about it. The owner himself spoke to us as we left, and all he said was to call him when she's better. My mom broke.

Don't call me any sooner, by the way. I don't want to know if anything goes downhill. I don't want to hear shit from your mom until then. My mom broke several bones, including her shoulder, and she will never make a full recovery. If you want to go horseback riding, spend your money else. I shouldn't have joked until I knew that. That's how I feel back. that this is the one that was cracking up at.

For some reason, it was like the image of her legs being crushed by tree. Like, what's this horse doing? Rubbing up against trees, which I imagine a horse would do. So I was picturing that. Okay. So the ridiculous thing is that, like, when you said earlier, the one made you laugh, I was like, I'm sure it was someone falling off a horse. It's terrible.

I knew it would be someone falling off a horse because I've- This is terrible. Like, it's a scary thing. I've witnessed Carl fall off a horse. And the way that I laughed, like, I wouldn't have been able to, like, thank God he was fine, but I would not have been able to control myself. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. He was trying to scratch his own back with a back scratcher and fell off the horse.

And it's like, yeah, if something bad had happened, I would have felt like such a shithead for laughing. But there's just something about him. Someone falling off a horse is like terribly funny, unfortunately. I don't know if you all have heard of this. It's called physical comedy. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's sort of a new thing we've discovered. We're learning about that no one else knows about it. Yeah, it's pretty niche and like, obviously. want guard. I will say, yes, it made me laugh. And then I found out she broke several bones and I didn't really... And we'll never recover. Okay, that one made me laugh because I was like, she will never recover. And I was like, geez, maybe not, but I don't know why I thought it was funny. It's not. All right. So this is also from Andy, I think basically all of mine are. This is of the Kickapoo Valley

guest cabins in Lafarge, Wisconsin. None of that was real. What? Kickapoo Valley. Okay. Kikapoo Valley in... Cabins in Lafarge. Lafarge. Wisconsin. I'm probably saying that wrong. No, yeah, you are.

It's actually LaFart. Okay. It has hundreds of five-star reviews, and this is the only one-star review. Just so you know. Wow. Okay. One star, and the title of this is, the cookies didn't compensate for the abuse. Shit.

That's not the first time they'll use that phrase. I will say. We just were talking about someone who volunteers at the prison. and brings a ton of home-bate cookies every time. So now I'm picturing, like, yeah, I would agree with this prisoner saying the cookies are not worth the abuse experience. That is an appropriate way to use that sentence. There's no other appropriate way.

That's where my head went. And I'm like, I have a feeling this is a lot less of a serious deal. Prison ministry is the only way this would make any sense. And, like, in this context, it does not. So, like, listen up. Oh, my God. The cookies were a nice touch. but didn't make up for the abuse.

We just spent four nights in one of the cabins. Maybe they are in prison and they just don't realize it's not a cabin. The cabin, they wouldn't let us out for years. We just spent four nights in one of the cabins at the Kickapoo Valley Ranch and were glad when it was over. We were treated very rudely by one of the owners as soon as we checked in. It really did ruin our stay and color our opinion about the entire area. We pulled up to the main building to check in,

but instead of being greeted, we were scolded because we didn't park in the right place. We were screamed at. It is normal to pull up to the check-in area and then park elsewhere when that task is finished, but not here. We left our car running right outside and could have moved it any time had we been asked. Instead, Cowboy Joe was incredibly disrespectful, nasty, and rude, challenging us about our disabilities and questioning whether we had a handicapped sticker. The property is adjacent to almost 9,000 acres as advertised,

and there were no other cars on it, not really a traffic problem between there and Chicago, yet the owner pitched a giant hisy fit. We finally asked him if he wanted us to leave, and we would have if we thought he would have refunded our money. He said he was going to have to go through our car to make sure there weren't any cats in there. What?

Okay, this doesn't just happen. Like, that's the thing. They're saying all this stuff like, yeah, this is so weird. This person just got mad about a handicap parking. Weird. Got mad about, like, where a park. Weird. Weird.

Weird. Like, that is exactly. They're telling on themselves. Okay, I'm glad you picked up on that because I was reading it just now thinking like maybe it doesn't. Maybe it doesn't show. Oh, no. I'm like, this is ridiculous. Also with like just car stuff in general, people get so weirdly defensive.

People get so weird about their behavior when it's against the rules. And they're like, why didn't they tell me just to move? They probably fucking did. It's like they get so, it fissed me off. But anyway, whatever. But I love the cat. This is great. He said he was going to have to go through our car to make sure there weren't any cats in there.

He said cats and other animals. will crawl into a warm engine compartment during the winter but are not likely to do so. They've been in the handicats spot. I know. But cats like, man, it's a new home for me. Like, literally it says, but are not likely to do so on a hot summer day

in a car that's running in five minutes time. I don't know. Weird. We met some locals and they said they never recommend staying at this place because the owner had treated their friends the same way. What rummage to their car looking for cats. We were assured that the internet worked.

It did not. We had no phone service, and the internet was spotty with frequent disconnections. We asked if there was an ice machine, and we're told snoddly that each refrigerator had an ice cube tray. The cowboy owners say they were inspired by Montana. Well, we're from Montana, and no one there acts so disrespectfully over something so insignificant. Really? And we could park wherever you want. Yeah, we don't have handicapped spots there.

It's a free-for-all. It's a wild west. The cabin was very clean and the views were great. The abuse, not so much. A two-burner cooktop, little counterspace, tiny sink and tiny refrigerator, and lots of miles to the nearest restaurants. No. I know. How abusive.

It is. They built their dude ranch miles from a restaurant. Okay. Good. The use of abuse is terrifying that people are so defensive, like upset about the dumbest shit. Now here's the wild thing. This is the response from owner, which I didn't realize until now, is Cowboy Joe Rogan. Oh.

Respond from Cowboy Joe Rogan. Oh, Rogan Nordst. That's better. Joe Rogan dash. Oh. Wow. I didn't know Joe Rogan married the Nordstrom heiress. Princess.

Yeah. Yeah. And had this child who's a cowboy. This is what he has to say. Lots to unpack here. Yeah. Lots to unpack here. I will address this guest topics and talk to all of you all too.

Okay. I would start off by saying that the minute this couple arrived to the property, I knew there was going to be trouble. It's my favorite responses start. Like, ah, I've been waiting for you. You know, that kind of note. It's like so believable. Yes, it is. We have a giant parking area out front with a short, well-signed walkway up to the check-in office. From that parking, there is a delivery slash handicapped slash employee driveway that takes you near the check-in office. But it is narrow, and one could easily back into the shed or a fence. Plus, it is an area with a a single parking space reserve for handicapped guests. They arrived and drove in a big circle out front, not looking at any signs and drove right where they shouldn't have at an elevated speed.

I approached them and asked if I could help them slash what they were looking for. Brief, not snotty, that's not mean. Then when she immediately said that if I didn't want them to check in, they could leave, literally holding me hostage that if I didn't let them leave their car where it was, they were threatening to not stay. I made many, many efforts to cool them down and start over. I even asked if they were okay and what else I could do to start over. She said they were fine and looking forward to their stay.

Actually now being kind of pleasant and I felt reassured that all was well with the world. I am so incredibly sad that you felt that as we try to make your stay as safe and easy as possible, that you felt your experience was less than that. We have a couple clear and concise signs out front to make it easy for guests to find where to safely park and where not to. There's a no parking area for the safety of our guests and a few well cared for farm pets. That area is difficult to navigate, therefore, a very wide and spacious, well-signed area for you to park to check in. And as you know, you parked in the handicapped parking space. But you seem to feel that having left your car running was okay and that I should have asked you to move it.

No. You never even asked if it was okay to park there, even though I asked if you had a handicap sticker. You don't drive or park where you aren't supposed to. The tens of thousands of guests that have stayed before you have had no problem with the conveniences we offered. It's so true. We're sorry it was too much for you after your travels. Was I quick to check who you were and why you pulled over where you did? You bet.

Was I snotty? No, and you know it. Yeah. Our website also offers much support on parking, ice machines, Wi-Fi, and streaming options. Everything you could ever expect or need to not only make your getaway easy, but also for you to decide if we aren't even the right place for you. Again, we're sorry you omitted checking all that information before you arrive. Did you ask me if we had a big ice machine?

You did. And I said that there were trays with fresh ice. in each cabin. What else were you looking for except a brief answer to a brief question? And like, they mentioned that that was snotty.

Yeah, snobily. Has anyone ever been snotty about ice cube trays? Is that possible? Apparently. It's crazy. It's crazy. Again, our website not only describes

our facilities in detail, there are many photos to show you exactly what the facilities are. Tens of thousands of people have found them to be awesome. New folks, we are surrounded by almost 13,000 acres

is a forest preserve. It is why folks come here. We don't have an apple bees next door or three bars up the road. For this guest to try and make you think that's a negative is ridiculous. That's right, folks. Here's what happens. Many folks out there have their adult kids set up their cell phones, TVs, etc. And then have no clue how to use Wi-Fi calling or how to switch from DVDs to streaming. We are here to help and there have been a few folks that we have helped, especially since the cellular service can be spotty. By the way, not our fault. So we We invested thousands and thousands of dollars into a super great Wi-Fi system and provide smart TVs. So many folks have no troubles and when folks do, they contact us.

And this guest actually has a super Wi-Fi booster in their cabin. What? Yeah, not the bad guys. If they couldn't connect, it had nothing to do with us. Nothing. We're not off-site owners. We live here and are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, but you never asked for assistance. You just put that in your file of things to beat us up about later.

Uh-huh. Someone that maybe has had some challenges in their life. Maybe someone abused or bullied that now uses their computer to take it out on others. We feel bad for you. Okay. Hey, that's our job. Yeah, wait a minute. Wild accusations and make up wild context. Entire psychological backstories for reviewers.

That's what we do on here. Yeah. We don't. Come on. Hey, leave it to the professionals. Stay in your lane. We hope you can find some peace out there in your world and move past all this yuckiness and sadness. Being the highest rated lodging facility here on TripAdvisor in the entire Midwest to all. of you has to have some weight, have some logic.

If we were so terrible at so many things, would that not have shown up long before now? Finally, you said you met some locals that said they never recommended staying at this place. Does every person in a region love every single person? I'd be shocked if you said yes. There are locals that don't like that we bring people into the area from the outside world. And we are socially conscious, politically active, don't allow pets or horses, or who knows what else, some folks just don't like us. They don't allow pets or horses. They don't have like horses or anything?

They don't allow people to bring. Bring their own. Okay. Okay. Do we promote a quiet and peaceful getaway? Yup. No ATVs. No fireworks.

No drones. No hoot nannies or hoodowns. Okay. Again, promise you. Therefore, there are a bunch of folks that don't like us. I'm sorry that we did not meet your expectations. I would say if you slowed down read a sign or two or even took a few minutes to look over our incredibly helpful website, you could have avoided any challenges you incurred.

This is our home. This is our livelihood. And we have worked our butts off for 19 years to offer the best accommodations in the region to one and all. It is so very, very sad that after all we do with how you choose to start, this went so far south. Next time, read the sign, read the FAQs. They're there to help. End of review or response. I mean, they went way too far with that, I will say.

Yeah. It was their first one-star review. And I think it just like brought something to the surface. And also if they knew who this was and they had personal interactions with them, Clearly, they had a very different idea of how things went. Yeah, they had a rebuttal. But, yeah, they seemed somehow nicer, even though they were reading them to fill. It felt like they had a, they seemed to be a little more with it.

Yeah, they seemed more trustworthy than the original reviewer, in my opinion. I remember back in the day having to find psychiatry help through like, and medication management through using my phone to call offices. Never again. Yeah, I was doing that like a year ago. ago. Yeah. Because it was before I knew certain services existed. Certain services like tachiatry, perhaps. Perhaps that's what I'm talking about. Tachiatry is a 100% online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for conditions like ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, and more.

As people who've suffered with a number of those, if not all, we have dealt with the issues of moving and having to experience disruptions in medication and trying to find medication management. And like Alexander has said, when you're not well already, it's so hard to have to manage all that yourself. So tachiatry is a great service. And we're really happy their sponsor.

For sure. Head to tachiatry.com slash beach and complete the short assessment to get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's tachytri.com slash beach to get matched in minutes. With a new year, it's fun to like change things up with how you eat and try new things and explore different offerings

and I just sometimes wish there was a way that I could do that you know yeah it's too bad there's not wait hang on a second I'm hanging on have you tried home chef oh I sure have wait a second and you know it's so exciting now that you have your own apartment now again you can get your home chef and just have it all to yourself instead of having to share it with my mom and stepdad yeah and our cats and fish after the first of the first of your family Fish loved. Fish. No, it's going to be so exciting because especially for ease and living alone and not with my mom's home cooking.

Yeah. Oh, true. You can make your own food. Oh, my God. We're like, I have to. And thankfully, there's home chef. Yeah, and people really love it. Home Chef is rated number one by users of other meal kits for quality, convenience, value, taste, and recipe ease.

I think my favorite part about Home Chef is that you can pick recipes based on, like, how much bandwidth you have, right? So it's like, you know, they've got 30 minute meals that are, they also have oven ready trays, they have microwave lunches. Like, it's like whatever kind of, or just a classic recipe with fresh ingredients that you can cook yourself, kind of whatever like suits your lifestyle, especially like in that stage of life, you know? For a limited time, Home Chef is offering our listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box plus free dessert for life. Go to homechev.com slash beach or too Sandy. That's homechef.com slash beach or too sandy for 50% off your first box and free dessert for life.

Home Chef.com slash beach or too sandy must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. If someone left a one-star four-pack paragraph review, which happened quite often, this owner would do eight paragraphs in response. I have one that has a short review followed by a response and then two other responses because it's not even worth reading the reviews because they actually were, seemed to be very like, like most of them started off with, this is for the people who read these reviews because I know this owner will never acknowledge any mistakes. And then, of course, the owner gets so defensive about that saying how often they acknowledge

mistakes. No, no, no, leave me alone. I was just trying to help. Nope. I'm afraid to say where this is from. Is that crazy? I mean, no. I don't care. This is of the French broad outpost dude ranch. Wow. This is in Del Rio, Tennessee. This is what Bonnie says. Not worth the money. End of review. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. This one, he responds, what is it? Four words with an entire paragraph, and this is what it says. Well, Bonnie, you have surprised us with your review. I know your husband loved the senior tour you were on,

unless he is like you and says things he doesn't mean. You told Joanne, your tour guide, one of the owners, how much you loved everything in person. Then we see this on Google. I guess they have a saying about that kind of person, so I don't need to spell it out here. We bent over backwards for your mother during the tour, so I reckon it boils down to some folks

can never be pleased no matter how much you do for them. Maybe it is in the jeans. Hey! Whoa, that got intense, dude. Oh, yeah. And I don't know if I said this, actually, and I should really make this very clear. This was sent to me by Stacey.

Okay. Stacey. Stacy's address is... I'm just kidding. Take up all issue with Stacey, and Stacey only. Look, owner, I had nothing to do with this. I'm just doing my job.

Just like you are. And we loved the senior tour. Yeah. Loved it. Don't worry. I'm doing it next week again. Only good things to say. Here is an owner response.

The review itself, I'm not even going to read. Like I said. Oh, that's great. You got to love when you don't even need the original review. And I like didn't even link it. This is a paragraph of probably six, I think this one. It was crazy. Here we go.

Hi. I guess I'll explain some of the points raised here just so both sides have a voice. While I appreciate Scott's observations, and he is entitled to say whatever he feels, I would like to correct a couple of things. First, when I mentioned Wi-Fi, it was not about any Asian guests. It was referencing some of my past student workers

from across the world and how they pronounced Wi-Fi because Internet access had come up in the conversation. It wasn't making fun of anyone. It was because our most recent guests that checked in on Scott's second night had a child who had an accent. And we were all asking where he got it. What? Where'd you get that one, kid? Do you say Wi-Fi?

Where'd that kid get that? Oh, my God. But I read that and I was like, yeah, I feel like I've had, I've known many, multiple, like, Europeans who say Wi-Fi. Oh, yeah, Renee say Wi-Fi all the time. Yeah, it's a thing. I mean, it's funny. Because her dad said it that way. Exactly.

It's like, yeah, we're parents of immigrants. We know weird shit. Half-Hazardly. Half-Zardly. I was like, I can't even say it. That's so funny. Okay. a child who had an accent.

We were all asking where he got it. We were all asking. I do teach people that arrive at our ranch about riding and how they can be successful immediately. Instead of waiting for a year or so, using the standard horse methods, which I do believe are wrong. Just to clarify, it's bullshit. We just throw you on the horse and say, giddy up. Yeah, we do something special. Smack his ass and get him going.

But listen, even one of the top educators in the horse world recently said, I am now a believer from what I saw. You can review that issue for yourself using Google. Oh, thank you. As far as me being an egomaniac, I guess I have some of that persona in me, as I reckon it takes that to start and grow a business and then survive this economy.

I think over the last 15 years that we have been a dude ranch, we have received about 15 negative reviews for one reason or another out of a hundred or so. End of review. Wow. That was six years ago, I promise you, that is not the ratio between negative and positive reviews. I had a feeling that was not true.

On every source. A lot of these were on TripAdvisor. Well, did you use his sources, which was Google? Oh, his own personal Google. You can check that on Google. The ones he saved. No, yeah, that's where I found all of these. Cool.

But Google also pulls from TripAdvisor. Okay. Here's another one. So a lot of concerns about the horse's health. And I don't know anything about horses. This owner had lots of excuses for why horses looked a certain way, whether they were older sickly. I don't know anything about horses.

So whatever. But here's what their response was about taking care of horses. Oh, boy. We feed our horses three times a day, which is one more time a day than nearly 90% of all horse ranches or farms in existence. In existence. Dude, it's crazy. Across all times and universes.

It's fucking crazy. The confidence this man has in every word. And what's funny, I mean, it's not funny. I read multiple reviews and responses. the response would change. It was like, we feed them three times a day. We feed them five times a day. It was literally like they couldn't even keep their own shit.

By the way, the biggest horse expert actually recently said it. And you can check me on that. You can check me. What are you talking about? It's like nearly 90% of all horse ranches are farms in existence. No, we could just put down a horse just as soon as they get an issue, which causes weight loss. And then you would never see them at all to come on and write a review. Would you rather I'm dead or sick?

Like, fuck off. Rough guy. Write a review like you're some kind of expert in the equine field. Maybe you are an expert for all I know, but if you are an expert, you have low IQ. We don't put humans down once they get into trouble. Okay, hello. Which is literally not true. Yeah, what the fuck are you even talking about?

And they even have the death penalty and have multiple execution schedule for 2026 in Tennessee. I was like, I googled that because I was like, this person said we don't put humans down for getting into trouble. That's literally... Horses are serial killers, but... Oh shit. Have you seen Mr. Ed? That finale was crazy. He was Dexter all along.

It was nuts. They zoom out and there's just like plastic wrap like in the whole barn. Yeah. Turns out Mr. Ed couldn't speak English the whole time. He was just killing everyone. That's how it ends. We don't put humans down once they get into trouble. The professionals try to help them improve their condition.

And that takes time. Why don't you go visit some cancer hospital and demand all of their patients be put down? What? Because that would be considered ridiculous. But since it's a horse and not a human, you spout out we should be shut down. Your review isn't really worth the response. But just like you, every time I see something, I like to comment on it. My pet peeve is stupidity.

And the response. You might be a horse expert, but you have low IQ. But if you are, you have low IQ. You're probably not. Unlike my horse expert, who has really high IQ. Who's the best one of all? Like, it was terrifying. Like, reading the responses, oh, got really troubling because you're reading this and you're like, this man is just like super narcissistic.

Clearly unwell. Yeah. You can see these to a T, like the way that you respond to things and not take any accountability. This sounds like an example from a book I'm reading. Oh, I bet. Yeah, we've been learning a lot about narcissists in our lives. But no, is there so much like that where I'm like, this guy's fucking like throwing shit at the wall to like try to, like, try to. make people look bad.

And then also... He's like, oh, so you want everyone with cancer to die. Yeah. Oh, so that's what you're saying. Changing the argument constantly and just making shit up that the person didn't mention. When that happens, I always go, I do. That's right. I do want everyone with cancer to die.

Finally, the truth is revealed. What are you gray rocking? So my challenge was to find reviews in which someone claimed that a home remedy worked much better. This is from Andy. The product is H-proof. The anytime you drink vitamin, liver health. an immunity support drink with electrolytes.

Wow. The hangover cure, you know. Yeah. Kelly said one star, these don't work. Verified purchase. Unlike my cayenne pepper, anchovies, and orange juice and a blender. Yummy. Classic, Sandy.

That would fix it up, I think. These don't work. I am 32 and tested these vitamins out. I was very hopeful. I followed all of the directions while drinking a whole bottle of wine to see if they are worse. That's good. Okay.

I'm sorry to say that I am still hungover as I write this. I guess I'll go back to not drinking alcohol to avoid a hangover. That's what it is. Oh, not celibacy. They taste friggin' awful, too. Save your money and just drink an alka-seltzer the morning after. Hmm. I never view.

Are you going to drink an alka-seltzer, Kelly, or are you going to stop drinking? Alka-Seltzer it is. I think so. Honestly, I love the taste of Alka-Seltzer, so. Yeah. Lay it on me. I haven't had one in a while. Okay, this is also from Andy.

It's another drinking and support your liver supplement called Cheers Restore. And here's a two-star review by James, verified purchase called Does Not Work for Me Whatsoever. I'm on my fifth bottle and only buy it because I believe in the science. In no way does this help with a hangover for me, though. But I believe in me. I mean, what are you talking about? You keep using it. Your fifth bottle?

These come in three. Packet says three. One more chance. Holy shit. I'm on my fifth bottle and only buy it because I believe in the science. In no way does this help with a hangover for me, though. I've tried literally one, three, five, seven, ten, 14, 20 drinks on a big day.

And this has not helped whatsoever. All these scientific tests they're doing. It's really impressive. I kind of want to see the notepad that has all of this information in it. I'm sure it's just... I know, just like a graph and everything. A pie chart? It's one of those dot journals.

Cool. Honestly, that'd look pretty sick. A bullet journal? That's what it is. I've tried literally 1, 3, 5, 7, 10, 14, 20 drinks on a big day, and this has not helped whatsoever. They say they offer a money back guarantee, so that's what I'm going for. I drink mostly beer, very rarely hard alcohol.

Drink electrolytes before bed. 50 cents. Works way better if that's what you're looking for. End of review. Stop buying this. But the science, Christina, the science is there. Science is, yeah. The science is sound.

That's for sure. So true. On the Cheers Restore, D.HM. L. Sistine, please, come on. Sistine Chapel. Is there one that works for you, well? What? If you have a hang on. Like, what do you?

We've discussed this. I don't. Just food. Yeah. For me, weed. Well, that too. Instead of alcohol. Yeah.

Yeah. At the beginning. That's your saliv. You plan. I haven't sell a bit from it. This is a review of Raid double control ant baits. Sorry. I forgot the topic.

And I'm like, I don't think that's very good for hangovers, but I'm willing to hear them out. He's like, but I'm not 100%. The science is sound. Okay. It kills the bugs in your brain when you have a hangover. Kills the booze bugs. The booze bugs. Wow.

I like that. That's good. Write that down. Rade.com verified purchase. one-star review. Oh, on the raid website. Yes. Okay.

Interestingly, this is written by someone named Mark Ant. I'm like, wait a minute. Mark Anthony? That's pretty good, though. Mark Ant. And it's a one-star review called Doesn't Work.

Waste of money, home remedy works better. Ants were not attracted to it. They walked in and all around it all the time laughing at me. And I love when people say, Oh, my home remedy works so much better. But I'm going to get keep the shit out of that. Yeah.

It's probably just stepping on all of them. Because otherwise, Raid is going to take it. Probably like a shotgun. Shotgun in the wall. Just tear it all down. Because, yeah, there are plenty of home remedies that would work quite a bit better, but that doesn't mean they're like a better use.

I don't know that that's true. No, I think there's something. No, a home remedy like fucking fire. I'm just saying like just. Exactly. But no, it's probably still be there. Like, I don't think that would even solve the problem. Like on a, like I feel like you'd burn the house down.

Some of the ants would still survive and probably still fucking walk on that stupid same linoleum. You're so right. The linoleum that survives a fire. What's left is that in ants. I'm not saying that sarcastically. I'm like, yeah, I could picture that. It's like the apocalypse. That's all it's going to be.

Linoleum and ants. Yeah. Can't wait. Here's a response from the Raid Corporation. Raid trademark double control ant baits, consists of two types of baits to attract and kill ants. After feeding, ants return to their nest where the bait is then transferred to the queen and others.

And you should expect to see fewer ants within days. Your trust is important to us. And if you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to give us a call. End of response. Are they bug-splaining? Excuse me? They are bug-splaining. You're so right.

I like that raid came in to be like, hey, this is how our products work, to basically imply, hey, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Hey, don't burn your house down. Yeah. Your home remedy sucks compared to ours, and we don't even know what it is. No, I agree, though. Like, it's probably like, give me the home remedy. That's true.

I'm going to make it make your grandmother's aunt remedy into a multi-million dollar. Next year, it's going to be raid organic. By grandma. Yeah. Organic raid by grandma. It'll be like, oh, this one is just like mama used to do. And then they're basically telling on themselves like, hey, yeah, that stuff is toxic. This stuff is organic.

Yeah. This hypothetical organic. Raid we're coming up with. Low sodium. Wow. Keep those ants healthy. We don't want to dehydrate. Non-GMO. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Oh, thanks everyone. This was fun. I like this. I like the dude ranches. And thanks to all the patrons for sending in reviews. Stacey, I'm worried about you now because of that one person, but if you need some protection, don't reach out to us. Don't reach out to us. But yeah, you can watch all this on YouTube, by the way. Hi, YouTube. We've had a great response. Very excited to be.

on there for free for everyone. And then if you want ad free, you get that on Patreon, YouTube, or audio. If you want to submit reviews or see upcoming themes and challenges, you can do that on Patreon as well. Oh, I already said something like that. I said, thanks patrons for sending in reviews. No. Beach, Sue Sandy Water, Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Schiefer. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borges Wendell of VW. Sack. movies and TV shows. You swear. If I'm mine, I'm dying.

This is the mindset. Free. This is the mantra. Free. This is the... With movies like Interstellar, Dreamgirls and Gladiator. Why are you detained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants,

the Fairly Odd Parents and Ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Hazzal. Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.