Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 38: McDonald's Restaurants in Billings, MT

Episode Date: August 14, 2019

This episode is dedicated to all the Tonys out there! Gather your escargatoire, put the salt away, and unfriend all Pauls, because it's time for another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill our dream of chatting with you live on video. Or check out our new merch designs in our online store at shop.spreadshirt.com/beachtoosandy. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Use coupon code BEACH for $10 off your first box at www.fabfitfun.com #fabfitfunpartner Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly it's tim's 60th anniversary and roll up to win is back roll your way into prizes like coffee donuts and even 60 tim's gift cards play now on the tim's app rules apply canada only no purchase necessary visit the tim's app. Rules apply. Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good morrow, dear sirs. And madams, and everyone in between.

How are you doing on this fine, magnificent morn? I'm not doing any better after whatever's happening right now. Oh, I thought it would heal any of your woes. No? No. Great. Uh, well, let's just pretend. Why don't you introduce yourself?

Oh, hello. My name is Sir Christine. And I'm Baroness Alex. You're Paige. You're my Paige. I'm your Paige. I'm a knight and you're my Paige. What is this weird fanfic we're writing? I don't know. I'm not as good at it as the Yelpers are. Yeah, yeah.

Which is probably a good thing i probably shouldn't aspire for that but uh speaking of yelpers that's kind of what we do here that is what we do we do read one star reviews um from the internet that real people write uh and we read them in a dramatic fashion for your pleasure for your for your also discomfort mostly that at least for us lots of sweat discomfort lots of sweat lots of uncomfortable uh moments yeah um lots of feelings of regret we've got some more of those for you today we do i wanted to add real quick before we start well this week's theme was mcdonald's and billings montana correct and i believe you gave i gave you a challenge to to find negative reviews in which the reviewer blamed astrology.

Is that right? In which the reviewer's complaint is largely based on astrology. Yes. Not Nurse Jackie. What's Nurse Kelly? Nurse Kelly and James. Wrote it better. Nurse Kelly and James put that one in the jar for us.

Before we do that, though, I wanted to add that. Okay. Yes, I understand. Dollar General is not a dollar store. I don't know. I disagree. I know. Oh, you're, you're, you're going to correct them. Good. Also, also, I thought, okay, understand. It's a discount store. I did some digging according to the stock market. It is a dollar store. According to Wikipedia market it is a dollar store according to wikipedia it is a dollar store according to forbes according to business insider yep those are more real ones yeah uh so i just want to say listen the internet has grouped them in that category so i will read them yes it has dollar in the name yep it counts um i get trust trust us we have We have broken the rules many times. I think this is like the least rule-breaking event we've had.

I'm going to break the rules hardcore today. Oh, God. Are you doing just fast food like Wendy's and stuff? No. Did I already spoil your laziness or something? You couldn't dig and find them? I'll explain. Okay.

But also, we did receive a couple explanations about worst day ever, WDE. Apparently, that means War Damn Eagle, which is an Auburn shout. Yeah. Proclamation. Roll Tide. Roll Tide. We just made so many people mad. RT.

We've made so many people mad. I don't know anything about this. Hootay. That's all i know let's let's just say who day and not get into alabama sports because that's not something we don't care about that really um but wde we're on both sides i get it i get that that is why but i think worst day ever also fits and i think to be honest i think that fit better than ward amy right and to be fair some people said people will just write it anywhere at the end of sentences so maybe that's what he meant entirely possible

however i also think it could have been worse day ever since he seemed to have some pretty intense complaints about his 3600 persons baseball team more like war dumb eagle am i right oh got him nope no i'm staying out of this. Okay. Go all Alabama sports. Whatever. Go Alabama. Okay. So. Now.

Now that's out of the way. Let's get into McDonald's, huh? Great. Would you like to start? I'll start. Okay. I've got a one-star review from Lester. Didn't get my order right again.

They need to train people better. I forgot. They get them train people better. I forgot. They get them from outside of the United States. End of review. I have a little blah. Oh, boy. You ever say something and it just feels so icky coming out? Yeah.

That's one of those moments for me. A lot of the times, at least, we can blame other people for creating the words. However, relaying them doesn't feel much better it doesn't because it's not like i'm doing anything positive i'm just reading negative shit yeah i did you're right we're just making we're making more people hear it right true i did giving these people a platform i did hear uh sorry i did read a couple that said um that said like it wasn't worth reading on the show but it like in in the midst of like a five-star review it would say something like and besides they're all english speakers finally a place where i can go and hear english and i'm

like get over yourself you live in montana you'll like you'll be fine what the heck i don't know i really don't know so i encountered that as well but um not you know lester put it more poignantly than anyone else i encountered so unfortunately unfortunately for the world um well my one star review and i didn't differentiate the mcdonald's did you no okay because no all three of them yeah all like three or four so tim and some of them had closed already oh yeah i didn't care tim gave one star i agree with other reviewers something at this location is more off than normal it all starts in the bathrooms. It oozes its way like a sludge throughout the facility. Food?

Not so much, no. End of review. Whoa! I had goosebumps. Move aside, Lester. Tim has stepped in. Damn. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck's going on.

What do you think the sludge is? What does it represent? I don't want... It's coming out of the bathroom. I don't want to the fuck what do you think the sludge is i don't want it's coming out of the bathroom i don't want to know yeah wait well wait wait okay so i don't know if it's literal i was gonna say it sounded like a metaphor for something and i got really into it and then it's now that i think about it it's a little too literal if it starts in the bathroom yeah why would the metaphorical sludge start what i'm thinking is in his profile photo tim did have a graduation cap so maybe he

studied creative writing and like is really trying to get his you know yeah practice in on yelp because this was very dramatic and unnecessarily dramatic unnecessarily because really we didn't even like get any clarification i don't want want to get a point across? Yeah. Apparently not. Apparently not. All right. I've got a one star review from Winkly. Winkly? Can't make that up.

This better be good. Remember that person who said we make this shit up? Yep. Winkly. Although to be fair, Winkly sounds like some shit we would make up, but we didn't to be clear. One star. We didn't, to be clear.

One star. If I could give minus five stars, I would. Oh. I will never again go to this McDonald's. M-A-C. Sure. He's at the wrong place. Not only did the rude slob at the window about hit me in the face with my food again, for the who knows how many times,

now you unorganized buffoons forgot half of my order how fucking hard is it to put already made food into a bag and you want to make 15 plus an hour what a joke and to review i love it's like that thing of they threw my order can you imagine they probably just like kind of tossed it over and he like fucking reacted like they were hurling it in his face yeah probably dropped it himself yeah or herself winkley what kind of name a wink who knows who knows who knows who knows yeah it doesn't deserve much more thought i guess but no wow probably not winkley had a tough day i mean with a name like winkley is anyone really gonna really going to take you seriously at a McDonald's?

Maybe it was someone like one of those pickup trucks that was like 10 feet tall. Oh, I love those. And so they literally had to toss it up there. Oh, right. Otherwise, how else would they look at it? They threw it right at me. Yeah. With a name like Winkley, you know he's driving a gigantic pickup truck.

Yeah. For sure. My, oh my the next one's uh from paul and i think you will appreciate this one i almost never do this one might be uh an exception paul gave mcdonald's three stars January 14th, 2012 Whoa, okay That's really far back When was this review written? In 2012? I didn't check

Okay, but that's like, throwback I hope so, because that would be really weird It's over seven years ago Otherwise that means he would have put it in a notebook And then gone back and typed it up later A decade later I uh i hope they mentioned obama that's all i'm saying okay continue january 14th 2012 saturday lunch 11 45 a.m two adults okay a screenplay it's just i know beautiful writes itself atmosphere five stars food two stars service four stars background driving across country and just wanted something

hot and fast atmosphere this has to be one of the nicest mcdonald's i've ever been to wow they had carpet in the dining area ew yeah ew chairs with legs not bolted to the floor almost a cozy feel to the place yeah i don't know i don't know this doesn't sound very cozy right now no it doesn't food this is a new category okay food appetizer really at mcdonald's next category what you put appetizer as one of the categories, but then we're like, really? Why? Why would you even write it?

I think he probably uses this as like a formula for each restaurant. It looked like he had over 1,200 reviews. 10 bombs. More bombs are better. More bombs are better. Main course. I went with the classic crispy chicken meal. The tomato was still a little on the green side, and the mayo was so thick I had to scrape it off. In course, I went with the classic crispy chicken meal.

The tomato was still a little on the green side, and the mayo was so thick I had to scrape it off. The fries were cooked well, but the amount of salt on my fingers, after taking a few, would have killed a snail instantly. And I don't think he was trying to be funny. I think he literally was like, this would probably kill a snail instantly. I'm trying to think what else, how else you could describe there being a lot of salt. I mean, I guess that's a pretty good way, huh? Yeah, that's the way to do it. Gets the message across.

It really got the message across. Well, it got a message across. I'm not sure what the message is. Dessert. We skipped this as we were in a hurry to get back on the road. Service. Our cashier would just stare at us waiting for more information i can't read our mind i don't know what i need to say just ask future maybe when driving you look for those fast food places near gas stations end of review this is like someone who's never seen a McDonald's before or something. I think so too!

But they acted like, really? At a McDonald's? The cashier just stared at me, waiting for me to speak. Well, yes, they'd like to know what kind of salty-ass food you want. I think that they do not understand what kind of dining this is. And yet they do

when they say, mention the appetizer hmm i don't really truly an enigma an enigma indeed i enjoyed it you're right you're right though we got very specific details i'm pleasantly surprised by that review oh good um i have a little bit of a surprise for you too wait i'm sorry i just want to clarify by the way food was two stars service four stars atmosphere was five out of five stars at this mcdonald's i'd like to clarify that is his experience okay so two for food for food and then killing give me all of them give me all of the star atmosphere five stars okay two for food five for atmosphere service was four okay okay i was just making sure that it added up yeah okay so about three we're at about three i would have rounded up to four but whatever yeah but you're not paul yeah paul's a little pickier um i have a surprise for you oh god help me what

is it the rest of mine are redemptions. Oh, what? All five-star reviews. What is going on? I know. I never do this. So I'm going to bring the party down. Yeah.

I'm bringing it up because my ones later are fucking crazy. Okay. For my challenge. So I got to feel a little bit better about reading them by giving some positivity. We got to bring some light into this episode. Absolutely. Got it. This one is from Gage.

Five stars. Love the diabetes they gave me. End of review. Oh my god! There were so many of those fucking annoying people who were like, Oh! Brutally honest. Oh, obese people love to be here. a great place to be and i'm like

go get out of get off the internet they're aware get away it's none of your goddamn business oh i thought they're talking about themselves no other people oh i only found people who were just self-aware oh no no i did not find it unfortunately i did not they were not on yelp let's put it that way got it got it they stuck to google reviews got it got it yep oh my turn now oh your turn right okay sorry um i have to bring the party back down please heather gave mcdonald's one star if i had a chance of putting no stars i would have went to MCD's because I haven't been there in months. Was craving some unhealthy food and really wanted the new double bacon smokehouse burger.

Yum! All ready to dig in and you guessed it. Did you guess it? Um, they were out. Wrong order! Oh. I am pissed. I called them, and they wanted me to drive all the way back there in five o'clock traffic.

Forget it. End of review. They have traffic in Montana? First of all that. I'm sorry. First of all that. Second of all, what else are they going to do? If you call from home and say my order is wrong, you have to go back.

They can't mail it to you. I don't know what... I understand the frustration, but saying they wanted me to drive all the way back there. Well, sure. To give you your new food. To your yummy bacon burger. I don't know. I just thought that was such

a like she wasn't going to be pleased no matter what exactly she just wanted to call complain and then go on the internet and complain yeah i am sorry that she didn't get her double bacon smokehouse burger but it sounds like if she had just braved that bad bad minnesota traffic montana wow we're just insulting everyone here right now montana traffic alabama now we're insulting montana and minnesota across the great country of ours uh yeah yeah all she had to do was brave that traffic and she would have gotten her burger but they asked too much of our good friend heather and then i guess so apparently though they like mcdonald's a lot by saying yum about that one sandwich yes

but now everything gets one star because of a single mistake that she that they offered to correct by the way yes okay my uh my next one is another quick one in the same vein as the last one by calvin five stars love getting fat and unhealthy end of review why why are you doing this i mean i guess sure why not listen if you're if it's a five-star review it seems like they're having a good time that's the thing if i'm dying i'm just gonna go to mcdonald's every single day yeah why not yeah not that that's what's happening here i'm just saying i if you no longer like are concerned about your health you're saying yeah yeah yeah i agree i mean right and some people are like listen that's not my priority and that's not none of my freaking business you do you calvin

calvin your weight is none of unlike what a lot of people say on the internet and elsewhere your weight is none of my gd business yeah and you know what I'd like to think this doesn't need to be said but everyone out there don't listen to what people on yelp say oh please yeah you're right no no no like just no no no no because there are some nasty ones and I was like you is this is this the way that you try to get get your point across is through like reviews that were rejected by yelp and were done in that category that said continued to read not recommended are you sure you want to read this are you sure you have to click this little arrow okay i have another one star. This is by T. Went to get a... This reminds me actually of Heather's review a little bit.

Went to get a soda. I was the second car from the last window. Waited almost 10 minutes for the customer ahead of me to get his full order. But instead of giving me the soda for free, complimentary of waiting, they still took my money. Customer service is very poor. End of review. Wow.

Wow. Can you imagine? Can I have this for free? No, ma'am. You can't have this for free. The person in front of you happened to have an actual order that wasn't a Diet Coke. Also, a Diet Coke is 80 cents. Stop. God. Oh, my God. that wasn't a diet coke more than just also a diet coke is 80 cents stop god oh my god well that's probably what she was thinking like hey like free soda it's only it's only cost you

listen 80 cents is 80 cents i understand but you don't get free soda for waiting in a drive-thru line like everybody else exactly sorry just go in next. Otherwise, that's what I'd be doing with my time. True. Alright, my next one is another five-star review by April. Okay. Went in with my granddaughters. One is three

and a three-year-old. Oh. Sorry. Starting off strong. I'm not really sure what's going on. Okay. I mean, I'm not really sure what's going on. Okay. I mean, I'm very sure. Yeah, you are. Okay.

That they're free is what I'm sure of. It's been made very clear to me. Apple juice. And then she wanted yogurt instead of apples. And they were so kind to help make her happy. Even after she spilled her chocolate milk all over the floor. Great job team. Thank you. End of review. Great job, team. Thank you.

End of review. Oh, that's really sweet. And just for the record, I had to do some typo or autocorrect translations in this review. You don't say. Just if it wasn't clear. I think it was a little bit clear. Oh. Oh, just a cute one. I like that a lot.

Anything that says, like, granddaughter granddaughter grandson i know child i'm like my eyes go right to it zero in this is gonna be wholesome zero uh what was it my three-year-old granddaughter who is three years old that's the best gotta get the point across and it did okay so this is what i meant when i kind of cheated so since you do all the google reviews and i'm on yelp I read every single Yelp review of every McDonald's in Billings, Montana. Those were the ones I found that were negative. So here I thought, you know what?

Let's make it a little fair for McDonald's. I got a review of Burger King and a review of Subway. Okay. As just to even out the playing field here a little bit. Because as we know, McDonald's needs that needs that they need our help i know and i know that like if we release this without this um kind of evening the playing field then their business is gonna tank yeah and they'll they'll won't send us the millions of dollars that they promise promised us for doing this episode right exactly so i need to really just um clear their clear their good name. Here's a review of Burger King by Shelly.

Now, it's listed as four stars, but we'll see once you hear it. The music might not match. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. I'd have loved it, but instead I got arrested. Fries were good. End of review. So it seems kind of positive, kind of not.

It seems like she knows it wasn't Burger King's fault. That's true. You know what, that's something that, you know, good on her. I could have loved it, but instead I got arrested. Womp womp. Yeah. And if that's one of those moments where you're like, you know what? Gotta ding a star because I got arrested.

The experience wasn't five star, A plus. That's an acceptable reason to ding a star if you ask me. Did the police let her bring the fries into the car? That's what I wonder. And they smell good. I would say yes. Maybe if they were those chicken fries. Oh my god.

Maybe she shared them. Yes. So, yeah. there's that. It's weird that gross stuff like that is what makes me wish I were eating meat again. Yeah, I was reading McDonald's reviews going, all I want right now is a double cheeseburger, and I haven't eaten meat in a long time, and I haven't craved it in a long time. Yeah, no, it's not like a nice, juicy, really good quality steak. Like a steak or something.

No, it's not like a nice juicy like really like good quality steak no it's that it's a gross stuff it's like that nasty hamburger filled with enough salt to kill a tribe of snails technical scientific term yeah i don't know it could be a murder of snails sounds I'm trying to Google what it is. Uh-huh. And it looks like it's an escarg... Escar... Escargatoire. No, it's not. Stop it. I... I'm...

I... That's my understanding. Stop it right now. Oh, my God. You're right. Did I pronounce that right probably not used in a sentence you can say look at the escar escargatoire of snails or used in a sentence you could say these french fries have enough salt to kill a whole escargatoire of snails that's how i would use it in a sentence

oh my you know what all those people all those people out there shouting that we are not an educational podcast come on i hear them shouting it from the rooftops you're wrong you're so wrong get off that rooftop they're dangerous see wow i know a lot about the world oh my god that's two things this episode so far we're even done yet. I know you guys have so much to learn from us. Okay. Let's learn some more about McDonald's. Please. This is a five-star review from blueberry full name, blueberry Bush.

Oh dear. Okay. Um, McDonald's should be rated way higher than it actually is. Some people go there to look for jobs they need to feed family, go to college, even save up to buy a home. Be respectful to the people who work at McDonald's. And thank you for reading this, whoever may happen upon this. End of review.

Right? Okay, yes. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Oncenter, did you write this review when you were mad about the other one about the english-speaking one or whatever how do you know how do you know that would be something we would do like hey i feel so bad how dare you these people have families well i give a platform to

those assholes who are right it's like racist assholes so why not we might as well bring give blueberry bush the platform that they deserve that's true um so i instead of going your route and just raising up all the good ones i just pulled everyone else down with mcdonald's yes so here we are at subway let's go let's go to subway two stars by tea i came in today and it had terrible service. The two ladies that were there could care less. When I told her onions, she put little ones on my sandwich. I am never coming back to the subway. End of review.

Come on. Give us something else. Give us something else beyond the fact that they gave you little onions can you imagine just being like oh i'll have onions and they're like okay and they put them and you're like those are smaller than the other like what just say something just be like can i have more onions yes or just shut up and eat your onions you've got onions they taste the same whether they're small or big what up is this i shouldn't be surprised anymore also if someone has for onions like it's a new one i appreciate when they give me the small ones

because i don't want giant hunks of onion on my sandwich thank you thank you preach preach from the rooftops not the rooftops so they're very dangerous very dangerous we learned last episode that sometimes they blow off of dollar stores. So be careful. Okay, I have one final one. Another five star by Young. Okay. Carl? You know, I don't think so. Oh, okay. My wife just

died, but before she passed she wanted to eat at McDonald's one last time. We were helped by a lovely young man named Tony, who prioritized my wife in her last moments. He was such a kind young man. I usually do not write reviews like this, Oh my god, I never thought this podcast could make me cry in oh wait you cry about every episode i mean sure but usually because i'm so funny sure that maybe more in like i'm so distraught and overwhelmed by like the chaos and horror of these reviews but this is just like poignant and sad yeah you you read a cruise review about someone dying so i guess it's my turn this is true we like to sometimes uh sprinkle a little death into the show a little morbid reality

you're welcome everyone that's so sweet and i thought again i thought that this deserved a platform so tony if you're out there we're proud of you tony if you're out there, we're going to keep talking about you. What? What does that mean? I have a redemption. No. By Kat. Okay. A five star of a McDonald's. Okay.

Should I go ahead and read it? Yeah, read it. Normally, I don't go to McDonald's, but it was the day before payday and I only had a few dollars to spend. I was already having a bad day when I went in, but I was greeted by the kindest, funniest gentleman by the name of Tony. No fucking way. I'm serious. Are you kidding me? When you said that, I like stopped breathing for a solid 30 seconds.

That is insane. I know. This is the last one I have, too. The fact that these lined up so well. That is so weird. Okay, I want to hear more about Tony and how great he is. And we were on different review platforms. Yeah, this is just pure coincidence the only person i've ever read about twice i read every review on yelp this

is the only person i ever read about that i've now heard like a corroborating story i was greeted by the kindest funniest gentleman by the name of tony never have i had such a great experience at a mcdonald's the only reason i would ever go into a mcdonald's again is if tony were there end of review that is so sweet so now i refuse to go into a fucking mcdonald's unless tony is there let's go i think we all should hold ourselves to that standard let's go do a show in billings montana at tony's mcdonald's someone find tony please that's amazing you know how they did helen mcguckin night can we do a tony night tony night yeah oh that makes me so happy i know i cannot believe both of our final redemptions were about

tony i love that it's so positive and i'm about to bring us way down with my challenge oh no okay moment of silence for well a that guy's wife, I guess. That's pretty sad. And also Tony's. Yeah. Tony's being a light. The light that came from Tony. Tony being a light in this world.

Okay. My challenge was to find a negative review in which the reviewer's complaint is largely based on astrology. I'm very excited. This was fun. Was it? I had a blast looking at these. Okay, I wanted, I was hoping it would be fun.

This one was so good. I did find a lot, too. Good job, Nurse Kelly. A lot of five stars, to be honest. There are, like, people who are self-aware. Like, oh, well, I'm a Libra, so it's really hard for me to make a decision. Got it. That kind of stuff. Got it that kind of stuff got it got it but um the challenge was to find negative ones oh sure so

here we go oh sure okay uh my first one is of sir and west in birmingham alabama by uh mazel what what is that it's a uh thai restaurant oh okay. One star reveal. My co-worker brought me here. Apparently he and his family have been coming for years and it was a go-to for them. That, however, is no longer the case. As often as I eat out,

it's rare that I experience bad customer service. It's even rarer that it is bad enough for me to comment on it, but this place was just, whoa. Our server was a jerk. She was rude to the point of it being impressive. I don't know if she was having a bad day or we set her off somehow or if Mercury was in retrograde. I don't

know because it doesn't matter. She was outright disrespectful and rude. Clearly, the absolute bare minimum standard of table service was a little too much for her that day. But the thing that really bothered me was when the management couldn't be bothered to involve themselves. My dining companion asked for the manager, and after the server bickered with him, we watched our server go back there and talk to the manager, and they then didn't bother to come over despite a specific request. Just took some money off the check and let our server throw the bill down on the table like it was a frisbee. That says to me that you're used to your servers being bad and are okay with that. Definitely not something that inspires me to make a second visit.

I'm sure there are a lot of other average Thai places in Birmingham. End of review. Whoa whoa i beg to differ it does matter if fucking mercury's in retrograde because that shit will fuck you up yeah first of all that's and that's the thing is most of the time people wrote five star reviews that mentioned mercury being in retrograde it's true yeah they said like i don't know why they're the most common one yeah they said like i don't know why they're the most common one was people would say i don't know why this place has so many bad reviews maybe mercury was in retrograde at that point i love that i um i'm also pretty confident that this restaurant also doesn't want her to return and also when she says maybe we did something to set her off i'm like

oh yeah you did clearly you did if you're even suggesting that maybe we did yeah you did something what did you do this is one of those that is so obviously one-sided that it's very hard to take seriously like i just wish for a manager response to be like thank you for your for your thoughtful review as we recall you showed up drunk and threw a glass on the floor like that's the kind of video evidence yeah yeah yeah please never set foot in our establishment again you are yeah banned okay the next review i have is of a blockbuster video in san francisco? I never thought we'd get one of these. It was written over 12 years ago.

Stop. That's what it says on Yelp. It literally says over 12 years ago. So who knows when exactly. So was it me on our first computer? Well, actually maybe, and you'll see why. Oh God. So it's a one-star review by Lisa.

The end of late fees? Lies. All lies. They no longer have late fees calculated at a daily rate. What they have now is one great big whopping late fee calculated instantly once your seven days pass due on a two-day rental. If I hadn't returned Pan's Labyrinth today, I would have instantly owed them $14.99. So I love how specific it is. Yeah, I needed to know though, so I'm glad that she told me. Which is probably pretty close to what a daily late fee would have added up to

in that span of time. Oh, but I could have kept the movie. I would have just been buying Pan's Labyrinth at a discount. So, you're telling me that you're forcing people to unknowingly buy movies that they may or may not want to own, even like, under the guise of no late fees? Blockbuster Girl's response was, Uh, I don't know. That's just the policy. Listen, lady, I'm a Gemini. You can't freaking win with me. Especially not during my birthday week. My planets are all aligned and shit. I'm sharp right now. Long story short, the no late fee line is a bunch of BS. Return your movies or beware. And P.S. Blockbuster,

all eight copies of The Fountain have been out consistently for like a month now. You think maybe you under-ordered on that one? Maybe? Yet you have umpteen million copies of Alpha Dog, starring Justin Timberlake. W.T.F.

End of review. First of all, couldn't have been me. You know I love JT and I would never hate on him. I'm so sorry. Second of all, my favorite part is that she rented Pan's Labyrinth for her birthday. Party? He didn't even make that connection. That's so true. She's her planets are alive hell yeah she's sharp that's the time to watch some pl in there i'm a gemini you will not win

with me what does that even great is that quote nobody wants that i was losing it last night when i was reading that oh my god i hate this person they're giving gemini such a bad name but christian don't worry oh you know why why as a libra myself oh fuck i decided to find a one-star review oh i thought you were gonna hate on me okay okay fine thank you for evening the play i thought it only fair that i find one gemini one Libra one. That's thoroughly appreciated. This is my last one. And it's a Libra. And it is a long one. Okay.

So buckle up. Buckle up. I'm buckled. This is a one-star review of the Groundlings School. Oh my god! Yep, in LA. So for those who don't know, it's a school that... Improv. Improv.

They do improv classes. You actually have to audition to be a part of their basic improv classes. So you'll hear about that in a moment. Don't worry. This is by Paul. One star.

I really don't want to give the Groundlings a one star review, especially since I took two of their classes already. Intro to Improv and Improv Workshop A, but I truly feel that this needs to be written. Spoiler alert, it does not. No, oh yeah, wow, shocking.

After taking the aforementioned classes, I felt confident enough to audition for Basic Improv, which is part of their core education track. For those of you who are thinking about auditioning, here's how the process went. It's free to sign up for an audition on their website. You sign in in the lobby and get taken over to the building across the street. My instructor, a Dennis Quaid lookalike, more about him below. The class starts out with general introductions. Then you play an improv game. The game my cohort played was Red Ball, Green Ball,

where you just toss around an imaginary ball while yelling Red Ball, Green Ball, Yellow Ball. Okay, no problem. I was on the ball with that. Oh, dear God. we all know this like anyone who lives in la and has worked in comedy in any capacity knows this person then we played another game where five people go up to the front of the class and start reading a novel the rest of the class gives the name of the book and what it's about. Then each person has to create the

story while the instructor points at different people to start speaking at random times. I love that though. That's a fun one, huh? We both have taken improv classes. If you can't tell. We don't show it in our show. No, we never act like we think we're funny ever. True. Absolutely no problem there for me finally the rest of the class involved scene work where two people go up to the front the teacher explains the scene and you just go with it on the fly every person did two scenes each my first scene i felt okay

with the instructor was saying that i was going too fast which i got really annoyed with internally because it was a really good scene I was doing. Oh God. Then my second scene went even better. Ultimately, I did not pass the audition and I was really ticked off. I mean, to the point where I wanted to storm into the building and demand that the instructor gets fired. This isn't being a sore loser or anything of the sort. No, of course not.

Impossible. No. The thing is that the rejection email was sent to me 20 minutes, literally 20 minutes after the class ended. I was shocked at this, especially since the instructor said that the results should be in within one to two days. He was the first one that kicked off. I mean, get a clue, get a hint, take a hint, man. No, I mean, get a clue. Get a hint.

Take a hint, man. No, you know what he has to say about it? That was extremely suspicious. And I know for a fact that I did well. My gut told me that I did well. And my classmate also said that I did well. So this. Because I demanded to know from my classmate.

Did I do well? Right. I was funny, right? Could you imagine if someone said no? Like what? Okay. My gut told me that I did well. And my classmate also said that i did well so this was a purely personal and subjective thing no question about it and i'm not the type of person you want to do this type of thing to believe me oh my god

you're only asking for trouble when you engage in these kinds of tactics with me. Mark my words. Don't, don't, don't. Stop. It's just. No. Already way too much. This is too much and too violent. I don't like it. We're not even over yet. Oh, good. Now, when I examine why this is personal, I can think of a few things. Not liking New Yorkers, him having a dislike for the other Groundlings instructors I took classes with. He was looking at my resume, after all. Or it could be that he didn't like the fact that I do astrology part-time for a living. Yeah, I'm sure a guy in LA who works in comedy cares so much that you do astrology for a living like every other person who works in comedy in LA, including yours truly. mean come on my god

i'm gonna i'm having i can't believe my head is exploding this is like this is like exactly what i needed this is like a parody of improv like this is why people hate improv for this person's this person's existence it gets better great Maybe an astrologer predicted his mother's death and she actually died or something. I don't know. What? I do know that he's an Aries, however, and that sign is something I really have to avoid. The first headshot photographer who stole $225 from me was an Aries. And so was my former acting coach who was best buddies with the photographer. Alexander. So now I know to avoid Aries like the so was my former acting coach, who was best buddies with the photographer. So now I know to avoid Aries like the plague when it comes to casting directors, instructors,

and coaches. I'm a Libra, the total opposite of Aries. And although they say opposites attract, they can easily repel. And Aries is repelling for me, undoubtedly. So yes, this was totally personal. Also, about the instructor himself and his personality. He's very, very dry. He wasn't even that funny. My classmate and I honestly could not believe that he got through the Groundlings educational program. Compared to the instructors in my previous courses, who are absolutely fantastic. This Dennis Quaid wannabe just should not be teaching. He himself said it took him six years to actually make it through the program. Six years. Either they felt very sorry for him or he slept with somebody. I don't know, but there's no way this

guy could be an instructor, nor should he be. Get him out. Or he what? Tell me. He saw an astrologer and they said that he would pass the course. And so obviously the astrologer was right. And so it eventually happened. And then his mom died. Yeah. Wow. That's exactly what happened. What was the last line? I'm sorry I cut you off. Get him out!

Okay. It's not over yet, though. Oh! Yeah, not the last line I said. I'll buckle back in. Bad, bad news. And seriously, you give me a rejection email only 20 minutes after the class ended while other people still haven't gotten theirs?

Come on. This is ludicrous. So as a result, this audition experience, which was my first audition ever, by the way. Oh, wow. No, you don't say. You're going to have so much success as you move forward in Los Angeles trying to make it big as a hilarious comedian. It seems like you really roll with the punches. Left a very sour taste in my mouth.

Nobody should have to be put through this. And if you are, you must call them out on it as publicly as you can. Make your voices heard. The email also told me to retake Improv Workshop A. I already took that and passed. So what's the sense in doing it again when I don't even get a discount for it? You out of your mind? All I was looking for was to get to basic improv at the bare minimum.

I would have been happy just with that. But no. So I'm done with the Groundlings. With all those improv games you people play, I don't play games. My career is not a game. Thank you. End of review. Don't come to UCB.

He's going to try and come to UCB, huh? He's not going to make it very far there either. Um, good. Yeah. Not great. Matches the challenge. You'll give me that, huh? Like really aggressively.

Too much. Like too far. It was like too like literally largely based on astrology this man is convinced yeah i mean if he's such a good astrologer like maybe he should figure out what the hell his problem is oh good point it's a big one good point also aren't libras supposed to be fair and balanced? That's the thing is this guy's claim is to be a Libra. Come on. Libras like me, I would never, ever act this way. Also, I would never audition to begin with. Aries are fucking great. So back off. Ooh, you tell them. Renee and Alexis are both Aries. There you go. I tell you. What's Aries? It's March 21st to April 19th. That's a

lot more specific than I thought. So Tim's an Aries and so is Ellen. april that's a lot more specific than i thought so tim's in aries and so is ellen yep we have a lot of aries in our vicinity we have some great people yeah and they're all fun yeah unlike you and like chill wait yeah unlike this dumb libra yeah what's his name paul i like how he goes no one should have to suffer through this it's like have you do you know anything about anything because in the world of comedy they're people legitimately suffering women being or people of color in comedy fuck off that paul had a hard time in comedy in one fucking his first audition ever like that especially like oh sorry it's so much like that in like the improv community where women are treated

so poorly yeah and this guy fails his first audition ever yeah first try at auditioning yeah and gets a rejection and goes and rants about it like and says this has to this must stop victim raise your voices seriously it just yeah and blames astrology for it what a bizarre like leap astrology out of your bullshit yeah that's the thing a lot of people like to pull that in it's like a see it backs me up yeah and it's like not if you make it up no it's such bullshit okay that yeah that one hurts me in a weird personal level where i know that guy and it like not personally but i know that guy and it really bothers me because it's like they're so self-centered and like um narcissistic and like self-assured that when something

rubs them or when something rebuffs them a little bit it's like they've never understood what it's like to not get something you know and oh my god especially like moving to la when people like that get rejected for something it does not end well not at all that's a good word though rebuffs rebuff rebuff i'd like that it's a good one i've heard that educational podcast for me too welcome to my escar escar gatois gatois escar gatois that's that's our new fan fan fandom all our escar gatois yeah that's you guys we're gonna move real slow and avoid sodium at all costs. I can't do that. I can't either. We'll come up with something better.

I can move slow. That part I can do. You guys don't have to be snails like us. Okay. So that's it. That one was rough. Yeah, that was something. And that one like hits close to home, I think.

But I mean. Can we just, one thing. What's up? Can I just bring up Tony again from McDonald's? He was so great. Tony. Tony. After all that negativity, I think we need a little positivity. Let, can I just bring up Tony again from McDonald's? He was so great. After all that negativity, I think we need a little dedicate this episode to Tony. Tony, all the Tony's out there. Yeah.

All the Tony's out there. And specifically this time, this Tony, but also all the Tony's. What a good guy. Good guy. Okay. He just like, I mean, this woman too said I was having the worst day ever. It was before payday. I didn't have much money and was like, this man like completely turned my day around tony swooped in

for for that woman and for a man whose wife is dying it's amazing oh god i'm so happy about tony thank you tony you know paul's all the pauls out there not not that your name's paul but you're if you behave like paul you know who you are you know who you are or you don't because you're so most likely don't your head's up your butt too far but all the paws out there i hope they uh learn to be a little more like tony yeah it's it's possible maybe instead of astrology signs we should just have like pauls and tonys pauls and tonys that's all you need yeah all right guys all, Tonys and Escargatoires. You ready to hear our themes, theme and challenge? Yes. Let's move into that.

Okay. Okay, so I finally wrote a list of all the states we haven't done. Okay. I found all 15 of them. Believe it or not, there are 15 we haven't done. That seems high, but... I know. I guess there are that many states that...

Yes, and although this is episode 38, we did California. Because we did that special Nostalgia in LA episode, and we did Ohio twice. So somehow, believe it or not, we have not done Oregon, which I know you didn't believe at first. That's crazy. We had to go double, triple, quadruple check, but we have not done Oregon. So I decided, what does Portland have a lot of? Books. that's crazy we had to go double triple quadruple check but we have not done oregon so i decided what does portland have a lot of books that they do and i went to that powell's place one time that really famous place yeah so bookstores is my theme bookstores in portland okay that's gonna

be fun i feel like people up there like rain and glass wearing glasses and reading books yes i have a feeling they're gonna be plenty i love this one okay good cool so what's my challenge your challenge was sent in by caitlin okay um i changed it up a little bit but your challenge is to find a review of a theme park where the reviewer got bodily fluids on them. Oh, no. Yes. What was the original? It was reviews of a roller coaster where someone got pooped on. Pooped? Oh, God. Okay, so we're just expanding a little bit.

So I decided to expand it a little. Because you're right, that could go all sorts of directions. Yeah. I mean, have you ever watched I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Because some of those are set in theme parks, and wow, that gets wild. Is that where they find out they're pregnant? Yeah. In the bathroom.

When the baby comes out. Oh, shit. Yeah. Well, bodily fluids. There you go. I'm telling you, there's all sorts of fun things we could play with this game. Okay, cool. I think bodily fluids.

I think fun. And Caitlin's the one who sent in a whole email of ideas, right? Caitlin went above and beyond. Gave us 50 states 50 themes as well as holy shit canadian themes as well as random themes as well as challenges and i haven't gone through these but a between you and us email as well really yeah and i put it straight in our folder but it's probably a good one because i mean caitlin also started the email with hail to the baron and baroness of cream which is when I was like, well, this is going to be good.

Yeah, and according to Caitlin, we are doing the Lord's work. And in our opinion, Caitlin, you're doing the Lord's work. Yeah, clearly. So thank you. You're helping the Baron and Baroness do the Lord's work. Exactly. So you're our vessel. So, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. We do very much appreciate that. And honestly, everyone else. We've gotten some more people since our last episode who have written in challenges. Since my desperate plea. Yeah, since your desperate plea. And I have actually starred a few of those emails.

Really? So we have not forgotten about you people either. Okay, good. Yes, yes. We'll go back to those. Also, sometimes I just like search for a city and it'll be from months ago. Exactly. So who knows?

Yeah. It'll come through. If we haven't responded or mentioned you, there's still hope. It's still listening. It's still in there. Don't worry. All right. Thank you guys for listening.

We'll be back soon. Bye.