Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 381: Between You and Us

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

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Welcome to Beach, too Sandy, Water, Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to Beach Two, Sandy Water, Too Wet. This is a podcast where we read the most reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Zandi. I am the brother host here. I'm the sister host. My name is Christine. I'm back in the habit. Stop saying that. She keeps saying that. What habit? This beautiful, long black one I'm wearing. I don't see it. Oh, okay. I've repressed it from our Catholic upbringing.

All those dead nuns we walk on. We did have to walk over a lot of dead men. I feel like we said that every week. We say that a lot, but it's true. Yeah. Well, this is one of those episodes because it's between you and us, which means we read review sent in by our listeners. We're excited about it because we kind of do them like sporadically nowadays. but it is fun to like go dig in for some really random stuff. Yeah, yeah. You all send some good stuff that we would never find because we don't care about your towns. Hey.

I'm just kidding. We care once we. You know what, you know what I'm saying. A nightclub in Milano, I said Milano, MI. And I was like, Milano, Michigan. Milano, MI, comma, Italy. So it is Milan. Okay.

I mean, I guess. You know what I mean? No. Before we get into this, I did want to announce a couple things. Number one, we are posting our themes on Patreon, our upcoming themes. So if you want to be a part of that action to send us reviews, we have a form set up, but you've got to be a Patreon member for that, Patreon.com slash Beach to Sandy. And not only that, we will be announcing an upcoming guest episode because it's one of our themes on that.

So just not for people to contribute to, but just to let patrons know, hey, this is coming up to get people a little excited. Just a little fun new perk that we're like, hey, why don't we let these people know? because it's hard to keep these things secret. We got to tell someone. Exactly. And no one in our actual lives care. Precisely. We told them.

We didn't get the validation we were seeking. So we look elsewhere, especially to our patrons, especially the folks who pay us money. And I think you can all understand that. Of course, of course. And on top of that, we also offer ad-free video episodes and audio episodes on Patreon. Wow, that's so nice of us.

Every patron of the arts, aka us. But now we're going to read ridiculous shit for you. So this one was sent in by CS, he-him. And this is of a kitchen scale on Amazon. CS found a couple reviews by this person, aka Tom Bombadil's Left Nut. Who's Tom? Oh, who's Tom Bombadil? It's a Hobbit, Reference, I think.

Someone's going to be. You're like, Tom Bombadil, not familiar. Left nut, now that I'm familiar with. So who's this Tom, fella? Tom who? Oh, I'm sorry. Tom Bombadil is from the adventures of Tom Bombadil. by J.R.R. Tolkien.

So I don't know why I thought. It's at least in the universe of. All right. Do you know how many people, like, their heart rate spiked when you started saying, like, it's from the Hobbit or whatever you said earlier? Too many fucking nerds. I do the same thing about other things. That's why I don't listen to podcasts. I can't handle it. I can't handle idiots.

Alexiner recently learned the axiom. Wait. I don't know what that word means, so I don't think I did. I'm not convinced. Clearly, that word took enough out of me. I don't even know how to finish the sentence. Alexander recently learned the axiom. What is the axiom about?

I stop asking me about an axiom until you tell me what it. Is this like a saying? Like a kind of like a. Okay, okay, okay. Because like contextually I think I know what it means. No press is bad press. Oh, that's the one you're thinking. Not new, no, no, needs as good news, but like, oh, he just learned that like you can just

all press is good press? Is that how you say that? I don't know. He just learned that lovely axiom. I just learned. I feel like I've called our listeners like worst things than nerd. That's true.

You've actually been like really rude. And no one's writing about it. So I'm going to keep trying until the press gets involved. Like interestingly, the press hasn't quite been picking up on anything, which is so weird. Don't tell anyone, but I love them. I love our listeners. Let me do what I do. And I'm just really appreciative of them.

That doesn't get. the clicks. Of course, yeah. And neither does bullying them apparently. Apparently, so might as well be nice, whatever. What do you call it when they're in your dominion? Like, you are. I'm not familiar with that axiom.

Okay. Is it my turn? No, I have not read a single review yet. Tom Bombadils and the left nut, as usual, derailed you. Hey, do you know where I was this morning? Look at her. She looks at deranged right now. That should tell you everything.

She was in Orlando, specifically. at MCO Airport, which is the worst thing you could do to yourself. I woke up in a Finding Nemo-themed bed this morning. At the airport. A fitful night of a couple hours of sleep. And after three or four days of Disney Worlding, and I do apologize for my state. But really, I...

It's called Disney Bounding. I haven't slept in you. As a grumpy, that's what you Disney-bounded as. Do you know that I really can't with it right now? I'm Disney-Bounding as sleepy right now. Oh, that's good. That's good. Okay, dopey.

I'm going to read as dopey. read this review. This is a five-star review of a kitchen scale on Amazon titled, best-looking scale I ever had. I was sitting at my kitchen table yelling, Rico, long. Then I had to weigh in on an opinion. This scale is fire. It also does weight, too, like, if you need to cook or something, suggest you buy, buy now, or not. I'm not your daddy, but I could be. Oh, especially if I dated your mom. Anyways, great scale. End of review. Jesus. But one person did find it helpful. Your mom.

My mom? I don't know. No, your mom. Wait a second. Wait a minute. Wow. Yeah, our stepdad wrote this, by the way. No, do you really know, though, for real that, like, the amount of times we have sung the Rickola song at our kitchen table?

Zero. I don't think I've ever done that. I've certainly done that. Okay. Well. And that's why I got nervous because you said CS earlier, and those are my initials famously. Wait a second. And for a brief moment, I thought, wait a sec.

And then you said, my kitchen scale is fire. and I thought, never mind. No, no, no, CS sent. Oh, was the, oh. Please, please keep up. You think I hate our listeners? I don't even think about them. No press is bad, good press.

And that's what I always say about it. So here we go. So all press is bad press. That's exactly right. Under the radar, got it. Always. This is from Amelia, she, her, who probably is having some sort of, like,

moment where I said her name like 10 minutes ago. And then. Oh, you did? I don't remember that. go first, and now poor Amelia has been... Oh, I thought you said Cecilia. Okay. Talk about being apathetic for our listeners.

Yeah. At least I can admit it. This is from Amelia. It says, hey, Sibs, I got Patreon for the sole purpose of sending this golden... I mean, that actually plays right. Hey, I shouldn't have even said anything. Amelia's got us covered. Damn.

Sending this golden nugget of an owner response. This is where Amelia actually worked, and that's all I'm going to say. say. I don't want to give too much information away. One star by Diana of this restaurant. Monumental failure, waitstaff with B.O. that burned my eyes. Oh, my God. If you order over easy eggs, they do not anticipate that you'll perhaps need salt and pepper. Order a biscuit, and they do not anticipate the need for butter.

No alcohol available. My biscuits. Look, it's kind of really sound like Waffle House. I'm sorry to say. Wait a minute. I'm sorry to say, but... Wait a minute. Something's telling me.

Greatest bacon I ever ate, but who cares? Okay, never mind. Never mind. It's out. Really, people. Get the basics down first. No mystery why we were two of only five customers. This place totally sucked.

End of review. Okay. Here's a response from owner. Okay. Hi, Diana. We knew it was you from the moment you walked in. The sour look on your face was, unmistakable. Hey, this sounds like you read this very recently.

Did I? Because I'm like, wait a second. Is this the one where they're like, oh, like, we know whenever you leave a one-star review somewhere that they must be doing something right? For the people, why don't we finish it for all these new listeners we have after we talked to Bridger? I was like, wow, I remember this so vividly from the Atlanta live show. That's so weird. I'm trying to remember why you read this, but you definitely read it recently.

Okay. Anyway, I just finish it. It might have been on my chair. acknowledge that so that like I did earlier with Tom Bombadil and The Hobbit. Thank you. That you. Thank you. Yes.

Now we're even. I've recognized the error of my ways. Let's put it that way. And it's too late to go back. Okay. Hi, Diana. We knew it was you from the moment you walked in. The sour look on your face was unmistakable.

Several of us began to snicker because we couldn't wait to read your Yelp review that we knew was coming. I'm picturing her like them like lifting their arms. Like come take a sniff, Diana. Oh, yeah. We know how you feel about body odor. Get some of these pheromones. Your reputation of giving this city's fine establishments a one-star review has preceded you. Maybe it's just all waffle houses.

Oh my God. She's just, she's going scorched earth on these. Waffle house hater is the username, I bet. We knew we had made it to the big time when you walked in the door. Yelp's most celebrated loser had come in to give us a one-staffled. Our review. We did find one thing particularly amusing.

All of our staff noticed it was you that had the body odor. Oh. Matter of fact, several of our customers mentioned when you left that you smelled like you'd been rolling around in a litter box after eating its contents. Anyway, keep up the good work. I know any time you give an establishment a one-star review, they are at the top of their game. End of rome. I forgot about the lid.

See, that's a thing. We all hear so many of these reviews. Many of these people listen to us while they're falling in sleep. So some people might miss that. We should do the same episode every week. Ergo. Let's just keep bringing those same notes. Amen. You know what?

Makes it easier on me. These days, I'm all about quality over quantity, especially in my closet. Yes, actually, this is true. I went to your new apartment and you did show me your closet and I was like, these are really nice. Like you literally have very nice clothes in there. I was thinking you need new hangers. But I will say, like, it's very, like, classy.

Like, I feel like if someone came over and looked at your closet, I'd be like, oh. And people who know me are like, that doesn't make any sense. No. What they must not know about me somehow is that I'm a quince guy. You're a quinceer. I'm a quince. That is what we say about you.

The only thing we have to be super careful about nowadays is that sometimes we'll meet up, like, at a coffee shop and we'll be wearing, like, the same, like, the same corduroy. But, like, he'll be wearing the jacket and I'll be wearing the pants. And we're like, we look really nuts. So as long as like your two Quince buddies are like kind of making sure not to over coordinate, Quince really is the best place to look classy, in my opinion. Right now, go to quince.com slash Beach 2 Sandy for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it.

And you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to QI and C.U.I.N.C.com slash Beach2 Sandy for free shipping. and 365 day returns. Gwins.com slash beach to Sandy. So I go through phases, I'm sure everybody does, of like habits where I'm kind of like in the zone of a habit or...

Like a nun. No, I don't know what you're talking about. So I'm back in the habit now. Okay, what I'm trying to say here is that recently I've gotten back on my neuterful train fully. Oh, nice. You know when you like kind of like fall off something and not on purpose? purpose. It's just like, oh, I forgot the auto ship turned off or whatever.

Have you talked to my psychiatrist? Of course I know what you're talking about. So for a few months I wasn't and then I kind of fell out. But now I got back on it and I was like, wait a minute. I forgot. It's just one of the best things I can do for myself. And then within three to six months, I was noticing like, oh, I have less shedding in the shower. And it really, you know, makes my whole life feel a little easier. That's great. Yeah. Nutraful is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand and it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists. That's got to be a good endorsement.

Why do they want me to endorse it? That's a good endorsement. I know. I was going to say, and podcasters. Jeez. Let your hair become one less thing, taking up space in your head and see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Neutreful is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription

and free shipping when you visit Nutrafol.com and enter promo code Beach2 Sandy. That's Nutraful.com, spelled NU-T-TRAful. T-R-A-F-O-L.com, promo code Beach 2, Sandy. I have another one. This was also sent in by CS. But this is of a Drain Snake Kit. Wow. So for plumbing.

Yeah, I bought one of those, multiple of those probably. Well, maybe this one. Here we go. Five stars, and this is also by Tom Bombadil's Left Nutt. Sure. Titled Works Like a Charm. Was on the toilet going, Rico! Stop it.

Then something bad happened. No. This bad boy got me going again, feeling like I'm back on the that mountain in an outhouse. Suggest you by, buy now. Or not. Up to you, man. End of review.

I thought I'm not your daddy. I know. I would hope so, but it was like, commit to the bit. Up to you, man. No, it's like kind of a progression of the bit. It's like now I'm picturing Tom Bombadil and our mother have broken up by now. Oh, no.

So it's no longer our daddy. At least not in that sense. I don't know. That's weird to say about my hypothetical former stepdad. Who's really? and a one lesser known character from the J.R. Token. I was like the Ricola character. I was like, that's called a character, that guy, whatever, whoever yodels or whatever.

Our mom does yodel, actually. Hold on. Maybe that guy is the guy. Maybe he's the yodle or guy. Whoa. And was practicing on the toilet. Yeah, that actually tracks. Right? That's the only person you should be doing that.

Yeah, the guy. It's only a man that ever does it, right? Yeah, usually. I said only and you're like, usually. Anyway, what's next? I have a review sent in by Grapefruit Street. Now, this is of the Scottsdale Civic Center Library. Wait, I remember that place.

I got a book there. You did not. No. I went to a Bachelor party in Scottsdale. You went to the library? No, I watched a lot of college football. Oh, okay. I feel like going to the library.

For a bachelor party. While a very fun activity in general is one of the wilder, if anyone out there's ever been, like, intentionally gone to the library as part of a bachelor or bachelor. Let me know. I'm curious about that. That feels like you could make it like a scavenger hunt or something. Yeah. I mean, this bachelor party I went to was pretty, like there were plenty of chilling times, but sometimes you don't get that. So I think like a time to chill would be going to the library.

Yeah, it's such a specific thing to add to the itinerary. I bet a bunch of these fucking nerds that listen to us have done it. Can you imagine a bunch of veterans? I'm jealous. Can you imagine a bunch of bachelets like with the sashes just like waltzing the library? It's such a good bit. It's so funny. It has to be done.

It has to be done. And they have like dix straws. Hung over from the night before too, wearing the same clothes. Oh my God. Caring around like the candle they just poured together. Oh, they did also pull up on one of those like pedal wagon, pedal beer wagon. It has a stop at the local public library. Oh my God.

Just sober up. for a few minutes. Okay, what's happening? This is... Library in Scottsdale, civic library in Scottsdale. Thank you. One star by, oh, my, look at this username.

Triple X, Triple X, parentheses, altogether, skeletons in my closet. Look, triple X was a great movie when I was a child. Vin Diesel did great, but I don't know what that's about. Triple X, Triple X, triple X, parentheses, skeletons in my closet by Fallout Point. Okay, here is a one-star review of the Scottsdale Public Library. The female librarians who work here are disgusting. They have the worst attitudes I've ever come across. Thankfully, the male librarians are more chill and usually work on weekends.

I seriously wish more men worked at this library. Mostly because the women working here are useless and have a serious attitude problem. End of review. Your name is skeletons in my closet. Oh, my God. The women are probably like holding pepper spray when you come near them. If you're that threatened by their attitude, four people found this helpful. What?

I know. Or thanked them with parians. The four librarians. They were like, true. Get some men in here. We need some men. True. They're like, yeah, because that's what women think about.

Yeah, get the men in here. Getting the men around. I worked at a library. I remember. Did you just sit at a desk all day reading a book? I forgot. I forgot until I remember that I worked at a library. Yeah, the law library, right?

Oh, I worked at that library too. No, I worked at my undergrad. That was totally separate. I was going to say, yes, your undergrad. I didn't work at a law. No, I worked at the law school. That was separate. Oh, but I worked at the library.

Saying it really slow is it going to make it easier to understand. I worked at the library where I would have to restock books, but I was always late because obviously, and it started at like 8 p.m. on like a Friday or something. And I had to. What? And I had to go in and like bring the books back. This is such a like a, I don't think I remember doing this until this moment. I'm having a recovered memory again.

Oh, no. The last time this happened was about a Hard Rock Cafe. Anyway, I worked at the library and I was always late because I didn't want to be there. And I was socially awkward. And so the other two people who worked there kind of bonded and I was always late. So they would take the good carts. And then mine had a real. squeaky wheel.

And I would have to go up to the most obscure part of the American University Library and like, but I had to be so strategic. Like, so I would carry a big pile. Anyway, then they were like, you're really not meeting quota. Like, there's a quota. And they were like, not usually, but you're not like meeting the quota. That's how bad you are. That's how bad it was.

And like, there was this whole dewy decimal system I was supposed to understand. So I just was like, I'm out of here. You know, that whole, some dewy decimal thing. I don't know. I've never heard of it. I'm a third grader? Like, I got out of there. The moment I didn't have to know it anymore.

I immediately gone. What the hell am I going to do with the Dewey Decimal System? I'm not going to go into like, what's it called? Library Management. There's like that degree you get. Yeah, a degree in library arts is very helpful. But I could be. I mean, I don't think you needed that for whatever the fuck they had you doing.

I don't think I could have achieved that. Let's be honest. My point was that stuff's not for me and I love librarian. So I'm glad they're doing it. All that to say, I was a woman working in the library, just like every other old cog in the machine. Oh, man, you just keep working that machine. I'm just, like, fueling the patriarchy left and right. I mean, we all knew that already.

Okay, so this one was sent in by Ellie, who has a little story. This is a review of a hostel. In Milan, Michigan. No, not quite that one. This one's in Liverpool. Good old Liverpool. That's in England. Just in case.

you didn't know. This is one-star review of cocoon. My lord. It's a hostel. They're like, it's quaint and cozy. Like a cocoon. Yeah. Well, here's what Ellie had to say.

First said, to me, this reads like stream of consciousness beat poetry, which I thought was very interesting. And I'm going to read this first. They sent the review and then said, P.S., I'm currently in this hotel. And the guy at the front desk said someone had probably stolen the fan from our room when we asked about air conditioning. So they asked about air conditioning, and he said, oh, someone must have stolen the fan from your room. The van.

So I think that's like a kind of good indicator. Where is this again? Liverpool. Oh, sorry, that's in England. I'll say in her, cut it out. But here's a one-star review of this place that Ellie had to experience. Okay. What a crappy hotel.

Undusted rooms, a youth club filled with coked up kids. The toilet handle to flush has to be pulled out of the wall. Oh. A cracked sink. the air conditioning that won't turn off, the bed on wheels, one turn and you're on the other side of the room, the TV mounted on the wall doesn't work,

the door is smashed with holes, the outside door can't be locked from the inside so anyone can walk in, the toilet pump fell off the wall after one use. You entered through the reception. Well, you pulled it out of the wall. Okay, first of all, you can't be like, you're supposed to pull it out of the wall

and then be like, anyway, then it fell out of the wall. First of all, I need a little more context on that. Like, what do you mean? I was trying to picture that. pulling the pump out of the... What does that mean? You're right. Like, come on. You can't just say words. You can't just say words. You can't just say words. Here we go.

The toilet pump fell off the wall after... Off the wall. So it's in the wall, but it's... That's what I said. I'm like still trying to... It doesn't make sense. It's like I pulled it out. You're supposed to pull it out of the wall. Oh no, it fell out the wall. Maybe you're not supposed to pull out of the wall. Ever think of that? You enter through the reception and then walk through an underground bunker to your room.

There's no light, nothing. An LED lamp that. requires welding goggles to see into the room. Not recommended end of review. Whoa. I will say this was translated from Dutch. Oh, I like the welding helmet translation. Yeah, but I will say there's no light except for then there's an LED light that's so bright you need welding goggles.

Because presumably that's what that means because you wouldn't use welding goggles unless there's something really bright. Yeah. Yeah. Unless welding goggles and Dutch is like, I can't see anything and then you turn and you're like, ah, my eyes, you know. Exactly. Yeah. You get it. Like with a time that I lost the moonrock because of this.

Don't blame welding goggles on you losing a moon rock. It wasn't. It was the fact that the absence of welding goggles because I think a pair of welding goggles might have actually saved the moon rock from its demise. I looked right into that projector and I cartoonishly, somewhat exaggeratedly, swiveled my arms around madly. The worst thing in that list for me personally for some reason is a bet on wheels. It's not even... I hate it. No, I hate it.

Something about that is like, I would not be able to sleep on that. Yeah. Not that it's like moving. Even if it's not moving. Exactly. There's something so uncomfortable. No.

Disquieting. I don't know the word. Just not... Not right. It feels very like haunted. Civil War. Creepy. Oh, yeah.

Like, I don't know. Okay, unless it's cats are involved. Well. But no, it's making me think of, what's that movie that I just watched for the first time? A gurney. I have never set. Oh, that too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Stephen King. At Cemetery. No, where someone's author is cooped up in bed. Oh, misery. Misery. I just saw it for the first time ever. Immediately the title went out of my head.

It's your state of being. I know. That's why I avoided it for so long. And then I was in a manic state and I was like, I no longer feel this. And then I watched it, really enjoyed it. And then guess what? Weirdly, days later, I felt misery again. I thought that would cure it, but it didn't.

It's not funny how that works. Yeah, it's hilarious. One of my favorite parts of my new place are my sheets. Oh, yeah, that's a good feeling. I have this great setup now. I have my own space, and I'm really excited. But nothing beats lying in my bed on those bowl and branch sheets. I'm serious.

They're so comfy. Do you know, this is a secret. I bought... This is a secret. I'd gotten some bull and branch sheets and it was near Christmas time. And they were not meant to be a Christmas gift, but I was like, honestly, they're very lux and they're a very nice gift. So I was like, I'm just going to put this under the tree and give it to myself and Blaze.

I don't know. It just felt like, oh, and it came in such pretty packaging. I was like, you know what? It did. Putting this straight under the tree. And I guess I opened it. And I was thrilled about it. But that's it, they are just a really.

quality thing. For sure. And the coolest part, in my opinion, is that they're buttery soft from the start, but then they get softer as you sleep in them and wash them. They get softer over time. So it's like, oh, they get nicer and more cozy. I'm supposed to wash my sheets. Oh, we'll talk about that later, okay?

Oh, no. Upgrade your sleep during Bowling Branch's annual spring event. Take off 20% sitewide plus free shipping at bowl and branch.com slash 2Sandy with code 2 Sandy. That's bowl and branch, B-O-L-L-L-L. A-N-D branch.com slash to Sandy, code to Sandy to unlock 20% off. Exclusions apply. See site for details.

Alexiner, I feel like your new apartment is sort of like a showcase for some of our sponsors. And it's not even necessarily, I mean, it's obviously not on purpose or is it. I mean, the timing is great. Let's just say that. It's like, it's like we were talking about the World's Fair earlier. It's sort of like you arrive and you're like, what do we have here? And it's the top most exciting services and products. And you see on a pedestal, a Lisa mattress.

Yes, that's right. And that's the, you have to pay like a full nickel to get into that exhibit. But it's so worth it. Yeah. Just to try it out. It is incredible. It really? Seriously, it's so good.

Our stepdad. I have told everybody about this. Even our stepdad was excited about this mattress. I mean, it's gotten a lot of airtime in our family recently. It's so good. I'm serious. I make everyone lie on it when they're over. Like, I don't care what clothes you're wearing.

Sue me, I'm like, just get on my mattress. Oh my God. It's great. And our stepdad's like, don't mind if I do. Oh, please. I didn't need to tell him and mom to just like start jumping on it. Just immediately tested out. Yeah.

You too can have a Lisa mattress. Go to Lisa.com for 20% off mattresses plus get an extra $50 off with promo code Beach exclusive for our listeners. That's L-E-E-S-A dot com promo code Beach for 20% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout. Lisa.com promo code Beach. This is from Fiona, they, them.

And I'm sorry, I have to say this. On the airplane today, I booked our reservation separately. So Blaise was sitting a couple rows up. And there was this person sitting to Leona's right. He was like, hi, did you go to Disney? And we talked for a minute. And he was like, my daughter's like love Disney when they were little. And he asked, what's your name?

And she says, Leona, L-E-O-N-A. and he says, oh, are you named after someone special? And she says, well, actually, I'm named after a hippo. And I went, and the way I went, like, just gasped, really. I mean, I didn't, I was just, I was like, oh, my God, she's going to say she's named after her grandfather. A hippo. That's hilarious. And then she said, oh, people think I'm saying Fiona.

So I spell my name. And then I'm named after a hippo. I guess it made sense. You know what? that that's, hey, that's a smart thing to realize that this hippo, you and this hippo are on the same timeline and the same name like overlap. That's right. And I'm like, and honestly like, and Blaze was like, oh, Leona, you know, you're named and I was like, let's keep this. I like the hippo story. I like this lore a little bit. It's kind of fun for me. Anyway, Fiona, thank you for sending this in and I just happened to read it and it reminded me of that. Okay. Fiona the hippo, by the way, I realize now that you did not explain that. You just said, oh, Fiona, by the way, my.

My daughter thinks she was named after a hippo. I'll be honest. I just assume everyone knows about Fiona the hippo. And if you don't, what's wrong with you? Many of you do, but she also happens to be at the Cincinnati Zoo, the Cincinnati Zoo where we live. One day she'll be at the museum. Jesus Christ.

You just said not at the zoo. And you clearly are thinking the same thing. No, she's getting a fucking whole pyre and she's going to be burned at the, like, not a, It's like a Viking funeral. That's what they told me. I couldn't have told you that because there would be so, Oh, you're right. They're going to eat her.

That's right. Blubber. You couldn't even like... She's a delicacy. Couldn't even like burn that because it would burn so much. You should be too horrible. She's too flammable. It's like how they used whale oil for lighthouses.

It's what I'm saying. Hippo oil. We should try that in a lighthouse. I'm saying Alex either. Just put her up there and set her up fire. She lasts forever. I would name my child after that. You better.

That's true. That's true. Harambe move aside. Harambe who. Oh my God. She's too flammable. This is from Fiona. Was glancing through reviews of this gown and was about to leave the page when I saw this phrase and was immediately reeled back in.

This is a bittersweet redemption review of this beautiful white gown. It looks like something that I'd be, that would be in a haunted. I was not thinking that like Mormon undergarments kind of. No, no, that looks a lot better than most. Holy clothing. I will say it does look better than the. I was just trying to be like polite to Fiona. In my mind, it's something that a haunt, like I would be haunted by someone wearing that.

Yeah. And you probably would be because this is from holyclothing.com. That's why I don't beat around the bush about our listeners. That's right. You got to put them in their place. Okay, here's a review of this beautiful gown, this beautiful holy gown. Four stars. It's great.

It's just a bit see-through, so you'll have to wear a slip with it. It arrived for me at the perfect time because my lizard is really sick. So we got to take one last photo shoot where I was a princess and he was a dragon, and we can keep the beautiful memories. End of review. Seven people found this helpful. That's so sweet. Also, I don't think it is wholly close. I think that just happens to be the name of the store.

But it's not actually. Yeah, look, it's like more renaissance. Oh, shit. Okay. It's way cooler. Like, maiden. I think it would help if they had a model in it to show like wearing it a certain way, but maybe not. It feels the emptiness of it does look ghost like.

That's what it is. But, I mean, maybe a model. Get a good old pale, pale person in there and that's some freaking ghost outfit, if you ask me. Get a lizard in there before he dies. See, that is a good use for it. That's what I'm saying, right? Actually, so was haunting, so never mind. That's also good.

All good. It's all good. It's all good. We approve of your gown. Totally. Here's a review sent in by Abby. This is of Exasia Milano. And then there's a hyphen and it goes,

Lapidance, it is gottops. Did I say that right, Italians? It literally, it literally, the Google. Oh, wait. I thought you meant that Abby wrote that. That's literally in the title. That's literally the Google, like, listening. That's the name of the business.

The business with 111 reviews. Yeah. It says, ecstasia Milano hyphen lap dance, a disco topless. Disco topless. They have dine in, but no takeout or delivery. This is a nightclub in Milan. Here we go. Again, context please, sure.

Believe it or not. I took a little Italian. But they do lap dances and there's a topless disco. Yeah. I don't know what that means. Who don't speak Italian. Yeah. Here's a two-star review.

That's what Toby had to say. Pricing was unclear. Girl got bored halfway through a private session and just had a conversation with her friend who was eating some chicken. Pretty weird and expensive experience. The girls were all absolutely gorgeous, though. End of review.

And they know it, and I think, like, shut up. That seems be the vibe here. Some people, I feel like their dream would be to just be getting a kind of like half-ass lap dance while this beautiful woman talks to another woman eating chicken, another beautiful woman eating chicken wings? Christina, I guess. I don't know.

Someone's got to be in it. I'd rather not be ignored. Yeah, that's why they have cuck chairs and hotels, Christina. Well, he's like, it's so expensive. I'm like, you probably paid for that package. You didn't even realize it. Paid for the watching someone eat chicken while talking to a friend. Apathetic lap dance.

A chicken. Oh, there's a response, but I don't. What are you up? Srip. Oh, this one's in Italian. Do I want to read the whole thing? You know what? No, no.

I need a break after that. You read something. I'm hungry. You are on my last nerve. That's funny, because that's me to you. Sam sent this in. Review is of the Kwanmen Moon Projector Lighthouse Lamp. You put a big whale.

It's cute. Moon projector, lighthouse lamp, Bluetooth speaker, nightlight. So you basically... Nightlight and a speaker. speaker, uh-uh. Uh-huh. They end up moon projector.

I do not need the moon projected from a lighthouse. What the hell? I am not a fan of this. Yeah, it's a little bit like dystopian. I don't know why. Oh, I don't know why either. I think if the lighthouse were like falling apart maybe. Hey, I love this.

The remote control distance is 9.84 feet to 16.4 feet. Oh. That's how far you have to be. You have to be nine. Wait, what? You have to be. be 9.84 feet away. It must be like a max range or something.

9.84 feet. That's like an insane measurement, right? Like, why would you have to be that way? That's so true. Oh, God. Oh, be taken at will. The base is such. Be taken at will.

Be taken at will. What does that mean? It literally this fucking promo photo says be taken at will, the base is separate. Is separate. Better protection for you and your family. Jesus. I need protection from this lighthouse I just bought.

Oh my God. Oh, I'm scared. And then the moon enters the picture. There's like this moon projector that's like obviously Photoshop Moon against a wall. But like look at how they put a camera. Like that looks like a camera. I know it's a moon projector.

Yeah, that's why you need protection. That's what I'm saying. Like it feels like, oh, and then it also plays music. Oh, right, it's a Bluetooth speaker. We went over that. We went over that already. Here is our review, two stars by El David. Grande, who titled this Great for the First 48 Hours, and really a bummer.

We started off with high hopes for this item, and at first it was really great, then it wasn't. The projected moon was absolutely lovely on the first day, Picture One. Okay. Wow, that actually does look pretty good. That's okay. I wouldn't say, like, absolutely lovely, but, I mean... It's better than I thought. It was clear and bright, and we really liked it. Using it as a Bluetooth speaker was not high on our priority list, which is good because the speaker is small and a bit tinny and unencumbered by the burden of producing bass. Whoa.

You really had to say it that way. Yeah, that feels like unnecessary. Unencumbered. Well, the entire rest of the review is not written like that, so it feels kind of out of the blue. I could see that should be like one of those promo pictures for it. Unencumbered by base. Protect your family. At some point in the next couple of days, it all went downhill.

I should start by saying we don't have earthquakes here. Nobody bumped the table it's on. Not even Christine in her moon rock. Oh my God, a projector. That's what happened. A projector touched my eyes. Jesus. Nobody bumped into the table it's on.

It wasn't dropped or even touched in any way. And we don't have cats. So no animals were left alone with it. Something happened. And it now looks like the second picture. What the hell? Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, dear.

Yeah. It looks like, basically, it's the moon but worse. But like ugly. But ugly. Moon but ugly. It's got a green halo now, and we could probably live with that, but it's also got a very visible square notch in the projection. Nothing we did could change it in any way, so I opened it up, and there's a little sealed part that projects the moon.

Using my phone's light, I got the exact same projection as the second picture, so something in that little part came undone. Now we have an ugly projection from a tini speaker. We will not be using this anymore. Jeez, how much is this thing did you say? Good question. I don't know. Let's see.

Because. Oh, it's a cool $40. Yeah, I was thinking that. What in the world? It feels like it has enough to like sell you on it. To be like, oh, it's so useful. And then also like have features. Right, right, right.

Yeah, that they. It's the lighthouse shape. I betcha that gets people. I mean, oh, it's just like a little moon. I thought it was like. It did look like on a big wall. I thought it was like a bigger thing. That's kind of cute.

Like a little nightlight. It looks like it's a nightlight and so the moon projects behind the lighthouse. So it looks like the moon's behind the lighthouse. Oh, yeah, I could sort of understand that. That feels like. No, and it seems like there's some positive reviews. Yeah. But.

Yeah. I've got enough lighthouse shit. He says even though he doesn't. You're good. You're good. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? shifting a little money here, a little there, and hoping it all works out.

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Girls threaten me about not having a girlfriend at 26 because it's a problem for them. So instead of letting me enjoy four hours of fun, they gave me four hours of bullshit. And I absorbed their mental obsessions about not having a girlfriend. Women, beauty is subjective. And just because I'm good looking, I don't have to be like by all women. And of you, I don't know what the fuck is happening here. It's crazy. Go to therapy because I'm just like, it's too much.

I don't even know how many layers of whatever the fuck is going on there. Their mental obsessions. I don't imagining them being like, flirty, like, oh, why don't you have a girlfriend? Oh, and then this person being all defensive, like, don't tell me about not having a, don't do you. Why are you so obsessed with me? My mom said you're just jealous of me. Just because I'm good looking, I don't have to be like by the women.

My mom said that I'm too handsome. It's crazy. Guess who also... I might have gotten my first girlfriend on 26. That sounds right. Something like that. Yeah, but you also weren't running around getting elap dances. I...

And taking like advice or like mental, whatever the hell from strangers looking. for tips. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I did that. My baristas, I always do that. Yeah, I guess that is a classic. It got me all wrapped around their fingers. All of them. Their fingers. I mean, it's multiple baristas. Ergo, multiple fingers.

Ergo, multiple fingers. That's my favorite axiom. I'm going to read two quickies of this place. Okay. This next one, it's a five-star review by the Fat Boys Crew, P-H. Fat Boys crew, P-Hat. Don't remember anything. End of review.

And then Dodo says this. That's what he told his wife when she's like, what's a lap dance on the credit card bill? I don't remember anything. Topless disco? Topless disco. What could that? That's Italian.

I don't know what that says. Dodo says five stars. Hot. Whoa. I don't like that. I think I said it weird, but they spelled it weird. And then Ecstasia Milano said, Grazie.

And that's it. They weren't like complimenting you. No, I'm saying what they said. Grazie. Well, speaking of grazie, we should say thank you so much for being part of this episode with us today. It was a little different because I'm still recovering from Orlando and all it had to show me. Yeah. But we're going to we put.

We've got some exciting themes coming up. I was going to say we put themes and challenges up on Patreon. So go there if you are interested in. helping us scout reviews for those. And on top of that, you know, come look at us on YouTube. Junie has been giving me like a little, a belly massage for the last 10 minutes. So you could go watch that, you know, if you're interested. It's really exciting stuff.

He comes and he goes. So he's his own little show. Yeah, that we like to have. It's a show within a show. Yeah, and our social media's going, it's going really fun. We have these people doing some social media stuff for us. And we've been really happy getting to share a lot of like older clips even like from older episodes. They're going through old episodes.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it's stuff that we're always too overwhelmed to do ourselves. And so it's exciting to have a team that. And they make them look like what's going on here? And it's like really fun for us to like. What does that mean? I don't know how to say that it feels really professional to have someone.

Yeah. A third party being like, this is so crazy. Everybody. Like taking our content and making that kind of stuff. And being like, look how funny it is. Yeah, I don't know. There's something very rewarding about it. Yeah.

And it's been, yeah, that's been really fun. Come check us out and otherwise we'll see. We'll check you out next week. Bye. Ciao. Ciao. Stop. Beach, you, Sandy, Water, Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Schiefer.

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