Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 383: Reviews of Easter Egg Hunts

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to Beach Two, Sandy Water, Too, Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. And I'm brother host Zandi. Hello, everybody. Juniper is giving Zandi a lot of affection. Wow, just plopped right.

Oh, the claws are out. The biscuit making is happening. Actually, Sarah, if you could do a close-up on these claws, they do get really scary and sharp. Oh, my. Moving so fast. Gosh, they are just so scary. Okay. Welcome to the show.

Today, we are in honor of this great Blessed Holiday. We are doing Easter egg hunts. Amen to that. I was going to say. Hey, like, there's a running theme between all of these. It's sad. Usually violence is present. And, like, in a pro-gris participation from wrong age groups. Yes, that too.

Yeah, just, like, kind of ruining it for the little ones. But we'll see. We'll see what we have because I think we have some fun stuff, or at least I do. My challenge for today was to find reviews in which somebody gave an unsolicited business pitch. Nice. That's funny. I like that one. Those are always good, and I have, like, quite a variety of those.

I'm excited. This is our review of extravaganza. Oh. Egg stravaganza. Oh, I do. Yes. Oh, good. It's an Easter egg hunt they do every year in San Mateo, California.

Okay. Yeah, I just feel like so many that I read were like of parks or of churches or of, you know, like not specific events. You know how Yelp, but you know how Yelp does events? Yes. It ended up being really delightful because these places would only have a few reviews. But then like those were like clearly that upsetting that they had to go find the Yelp. For egg extravaganza 2017 or whatever. So this is a two-star view from the extravaganza of 2009.

Wow. You remember it well. That was a crazy year for Easter egg hunt. Sure was. Michelle said this, two stars. The egg hunt was a total disaster. They enforced wristbands to get into the egg hunt. But did anyone think to enforce not having grown adults rush the field to get all the eggs?

Why does one child need six adults grabbing eggs for them? The organizers clearly said one egg per child was enough as it was one prize per child. Why did parents feel the need to swarm the field like locust to get the eggs? My two-year-old did not get an egg, but there was a nice woman who brought her own eggs and threw one in front of him so he could pick it up. Stupid two-year-olds, like, oh my God, an egg from out of nowhere. That's pathetic, isn't it? It is. I was heartbroken to see the three- and four-year-olds crying because they did not get any eggs, end of review.

The one thing I think those reviewers hasn't heard of, it's something called survival of the fittest. Darwinism. And I think that these two-year-olds are not fit enough to be involved in a hunt. Yeah, leave them out there. Yeah. Fend for themselves. We are pack animals. We need these adults to hunt for eggs for us.

I would argue that, like, from a liberal arts perspective, some of us aren't meant to hunt. Some of us are meant not to be killed or die over time because we're not good of hunting. But maybe we're meant to share stories. Maybe we're born storytellers. Wow. To nurture and nourish with food, with words. Could be. Yeah.

But the only way we can find out, just leave them out there. Yeah, let them fend for themselves. I will say, the picture, picturing all these adults act like idiots and run out. To grab eggs. And then I have another one of this same one after, and it gives even more elaborate depictions of that. But yeah, it was a common theme that the adults were getting like way too heated. They didn't get enough egg hunts as children. So they're like, let me do this for me.

My own child. We prove it. My inner child. See how good. My inner child who's super aggressive. He would have been. He would have punched another three-year-old. Yeah, he would have beat up all the two-year-olds and three-olds.

Oh, look. He switched to my lap. Yeah, cats move. And if you want to see them move, go to our YouTube channel. YouTube.com slash at Beach 2, Sandy. Yeah, we are on YouTube now, full episodes, which is very exciting. You can just look at Juniper the whole time, and we wouldn't blame you. Mm-mm.

Park. And as we've discussed, there's a theme that runs throughout these. And so some of these reviews, I'm like, have I read these before? Because I know we've read some, and especially this one sounds familiar, because it's titled Helicopter Drop Easter Egg Hunt. We did do some of those. And I want to say this one is one that I read, because this review was written in 2016. We did it at a live show. Oh. And we asked, oh, yeah, we did some. You know what? That sounds like a Salt Lake City thing. Yeah, at a lecture. And I remember asking the audience, like, is this a thing in Utah?

This was in Biloxi. Oh, Baloxi. We did not do a show in Biloxi. But it says chaos at Easter Egg Drop in MGM Park. There's a fucking news article. Oh, no. So I don't know if we read about this or a different helicopter egg drop. What's Biloxi?

What's near there? Mississippi. Oh, well, yeah. Exactly, right? But I remember thinking it was like. There's a lighthouse. I do have the Mississippi license, an old. Mississippi license plate with the lighthouse on it.

Oh, yeah. I've seen that, I think. I have them a little collection. But yeah, I think you're right. It does sound familiar that it was at a... I have the one, not with the lighthouse, but with a helicopter. Yeah. And it's dropping a bunch of eggs, limited edition.

Oh, of course. Of course. And the Fabergerie? Yeah. So this is of MGM Park. From a helicopter dropping Faber She has. Funny. Two stars.

We took our two young kids, an Easter egg drop and it sounded really cool. That literally, so don't do that. It sounds terrible. It sounds like, oh, we're going to drop eggs from a helicopter. Why on Earth would you? It just feels like it's bound to be a disaster. Like, why not just hide them and put them out there already?

Why? Like, the helicopter of it all? The sound, the noise. As someone who is so terrified of helicopters, just why? Like the sensory, it's just not for me. The risk factor, it's just not, there's no way. It makes this experience good enough to warrant having the risks of a helicopter. I don't want to be anywhere where I could be ending up interviewed for local news.

No, no, no, no. Okay, sorry. And speaking of which, this is the rest of the review of the one that did happen to be in the news. Okay. It sounded really cool. And had it been better organized, it would have been really cool. But it was a mess. Kids getting trampled, parents looking for their kids.

And most kids that were not on the side of the field where the eggs were. dropped, cut no eggs at all. I hope it will work out its kinks and be better next year. As far as normal events on the field, I've heard good things, but never went to any other event there myself. End of review. So this person's just like, yeah, that sucked for these kids on the other side of the field. But like, I was reading this helicopter thing and I'm like, it feels like they buried the lead

in the title, if that makes any sense. Where it's like they didn't even talk about the helicopter at all, which I guess is so normal now that it's not what it's talking about. I guess everyone knows about this. Do you guys know about this? Hey, YouTube. Comment below, you know? Engagement.

Only on YouTube. Can people tell me if that's like a thing, a normal thing? Because I feel like I asked in like a city and then I didn't trust the city. Because I went, yeah, but that could just be you guys. I mean, there are multiple across the country. I guess. So I could be like, that's what I'm saying. Like, let me know if you grew up with that because I really am confused.

Okay. I have another review of the eggs stravaganza in San Mateo, California. This was from the 2000. seven year vintage. That's a year after, no? Or is it? No, it's two years before. 2009, not 2006.

Earlier. And this is actually, Wendy was the first to review the egg extravaganza ever. History was made. History was made. Here's the review, two stars also. We took the kid to the annual San Mateo Egg Hunt. Egg Hunt was arranged by kids' ages.

When we got there, we found out there were hundreds of people with kids from three or younger. No big deal. There were a lot of eggs on the end. the field, right? The hunt starts. And you see this stampede of damn adults streaking across the field and filling up eggs with their hats, their shirts, etc. while their poor kid is being held by someone else. What the hell? I thought this was a friggin' egg hunt for kids. What are hyper-competitive adults doing here? Because of the stampede, the kid ended up with only four eggs. He did better than

his cousins, though, who ended up with nothing, but some... lady felt sorry for them, so she she shelled out two eggs for the cousins. Gee, thanks, lady. First of all, thanks, lady. That was, like, nice. Wait a second. Unless that lady, like, organized the entire thing. There hasn't been a nice lady there for 45 years.

She could be just a ghost. Wait, okay, but it sounds like this lady was one of those people, the adults, who were, like, going after all of these eggs and was like, oh, here, kids, you can have a couple. That's what I think is happening here. I did not. I was literally picturing that same ghost. woman saying, oh, child, I see, you know. But okay, that makes sense.

Like, oh, poor sucker, here's two eggs. One of the perpetrators. Oh, the perpetrators. Oh, the perpetrators. Oh, fuck you. Okay, lady. I get it. Gee, thanks, then.

Yeah, she thinks is right. You're 100% right, Augustineer. I get it now. Some lady felt sorry for them. So she shels out two eggs for the cousins. Gee, thanks, lady. Well, all that fuss was for nothing. Because the eggs were empty?

I don't know what the point of that. was. Getting nearly trampled by an adult for a couple of empty eggs? Gee, San Mateo, can't you get some cheap stickers from Oriental trading? Whoa, that was a drop just because, like, we talk about that catalog far too much. So not worth it. End of review. Sorry, thank you for finishing that up. That catalog is... It comes up. It comes up. So that was, I did not expect it to come up in this review. It's random, right? Very random. But I think when you have a three-year-old, it's like pretty normal to talk about. Like, I feel like it's much more present because they start sending you catalogs and shit all the time.

When you have a kid? So it's more top of mind. Yeah, because Leonego's certain circles shit she wants from it. Oh, okay. And I saw Post recently saying like, why is it called that? How are we still allowed to call it that? And like, I agree it's a wild name. It was founded by a Japanese American man who was like, I wouldn't honor my, the trading route or whatever.

So I'm not saying that is necessarily inappropriate. Oh, I wasn't even like commenting on the name. But yes, I know. There was a TikTok going. around recently where people were like, how are we still using that? Anyway, yeah, so what happens is that you get the eggs. Do you know how this works, apparently? Yeah, and then you trade it in for candy or whatever, a prize. And you know what the prize was? No. More eggs? No. They wish, probably. It was like a like a teddy grant, like a mini snack sized teddy bag. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine.

No. So you get six eggs and it's like, well, only one egg per child. So like there's literally no reason that anybody should be picking up six eggs. You don't get six teddy gramps. Like you get one. That's crazy. That's crazy. Put them in your shirt and you're, I mean, come on. The amount of money that people pay for these things. Yeah.

Only to get shit like that. It's pathetic. It's pathetic. Try harder. People. That I've read about is so valid that I'm like, it's sad. It's hilarious sometimes because it's like, oh, people are getting, adults are trampling children to get empty eggs so that they, if they get six, they can get one small Teddy Graham's pack. Like, when you, like, really do.

A two-year-old doesn't get any. Yeah. One of them gets one-third, the cousins, get one-third of a teddy-grams package because they had two eggs. And it's crazy. Like at our mom's house, only four adults are trampling to get the eggs. So it feels safer than just like hundreds. This year, I'm going to lock Leona inside. Cool.

So I think I can find a way and then I can get as many eggs as I want. Yeah. Which is all of them. Which is what you've always wanted. Which is what I deserve. My inner child deserves it. Here's the review titled The Worst Egg Hunt Ever Literally. Okay.

Of moon dance winery. Geez, I get it. Winery? No wonder. Here we go. From 2018. Here we go. There were no age categories and no limits on the number of eggs children could retrieve.

So we had 13-year-old boys competing for eggs with my 5-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son. Oh, my God. When someone gave the inaudible sign to start the egg hunt, there was a little. mass chaos. What's an inaudible sign? Like, yeah. Like, I think there was maybe a flag waving or something.

I don't know. Because I love that they mentioned that because it's like, oh, they didn't shoot a gun. Inaudible. Okay. No, no one person just stepped over the line and everyone started running. I bet you one person just stepped over the line and everyone started running. No, actually, you're probably right. It was just like this.

There was no, yeah. Yeah. Her mentality, you know. Exactly. My son got pushed down three times by older, bigger boys. One boy shoved my son, then took my son. an egg directly out of his hands. My daughter nearly got trampled

by the mass of people running for the eggs and she ended up with literally not a single egg. No. She left the egg hunt in tears. My son was able to scavenge one solitary egg from the little vultures all around him who managed to get somehow upwards of 15 eggs. Sinner, it's giving hunger games. Oh, I thought you were going to say

it's giving Lord of the Flies, but I never watched a red Lord of the Flies, so I have no idea what that's about. I mean, I think we both have an idea, and it sounds like this. Yeah, it's like everyone for themselves fending off each other. Like kids building their own little... Like, what's Kid Nation? Oh my God, it is. It's Kid Nation. I love Kid Nation.

It was horrible. Yeah, it's horrible. That is a horrible experiment they did. Love is Blind. Now that's a social experiment. Kid Nation? Oh, man. Careful.

Was that a helicopter one? No, not that I know. Okay, okay. The Moon Dancer Winery. To, like, have the kids scavenging and finding one egg. It's like, you're right. Like, if that were the wild. Your kid would die.

They'd be gone. The family wouldn't survive. Granted, I assume in his pack, this seven-year-old wouldn't be the one responsible for gathering eggs. Not gathering eggs, hunting for eggs. It's called parentification. It happens the best of us. It does happen to the best of us, true. I did have to parent you.

No, you're just a little like. Yeah. It's tough. It's a tough job. I'm glad that I can teach you how to raise Leona, though. I love Quince. Alexander said, whoa, look at your cool slippers. Those look fancy.

And I said, oh, do they? They were $35. And they're from Quince. And they're equally, if not nicer, than the branding ones I used to buy that are very expensive. They look like they would be. Oh, thank you. Here, if you're on video, you can see them for free.

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Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to QINCE.com slash Beach 2 Sandy for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash Beach 2 Sandy. Hey, Ontario, come on down to BetMGM Casino and check out our newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. Don't miss out. Play exciting casino games based on the iconic game show. Only at BetMGM.

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And of course this is different depending on the year because, depending on who lives there. This was written in 2016, but March 2016. The end of the Obama era. Got it. The last Obama. Before the 2016 election. So we're in March. So there were hopes for a female president up ahead shortly.

Can you imagine that was 10 years ago and we were like, but it'll be Hillary, obviously. Oh, yeah. But imagine that timeline. That's probably just a shit show as this one. Yeah, I don't like any timeline right now. Keep trying. White House Easter Egg Roll from March 2016. Fabulosity at best is the title of this.

Yeah. This is a redemption. What are the odds? Oh, I wanted to tell you. This is also clearly someone who is really into the Easter egg on in the White House. Really into it. What's it called the Easter Egg Roll or something? Yeah, the Easter Egg Roll.

Do they not allowed to say the word hunt? Oh. Like, what's rolling about it? I always pictured croquet. literally no idea. Oh, you know what? Me too. Like something like, I mean, it looks very like.

I literally pictured croquet, like a lawn game. Pastels and like, it looks very country cluby. Lawn games. Yeah, exactly. Looks terrible. Yeah, it looks boring as hail. Whereas the helicopters. Oh, wait, there is one.

Yeah. Those are just waiting to shoot somebody in case they step out of line. Yeah. Out of the line to meet the Easter bunny. Yeah. See, that's how they all should do it. When they do these Easter egg drops on helicopters, they should have a sniper. They should have a sniper in the helicopter.

All right. Just in wait. lying in weight. And it shoots like confetti or something. Eggs. Oh, it shoots the eggs? Well, I guess we might as well come. How do you think they get the eggs out of the helicopter?

They just fucking dump them, dude. Like, is there a door down there? You just, where the rope goes down? I think some of these helicopters don't even have fucking doors. I think it's just like the open, you know, those tiny little elevators, escalate. What are helicopters? What is wrong with me?

These helicopters without doors? And there's just those tiny little things. and they have like a net kind of thing full of Easter egg. Like how they did the balloon launch in Cleveland. I killed a bunch of people. Exactly. If you release things from a net like that, it's just not going to be a good time.

That's what I'm saying. Like, don't end up on the news. What are the odds of hitting the lottery the first time around? I won. I was in Group E, which was scheduled from 445 to 645. Although my ticket suggested that I arrive at 4, I knew better. As my family and I arrived at 250 p.m., we were greeted with hundreds of others with the same idea. After talking to our fellow citizens in line for over an hour, this is like Leslie Knope.

Yeah, oh my God. Fellow citizens. Like, she's just so proud to be on the White House won. Honestly, and I, like, if you're entering this lottery, like, and you win, fucking. You're having a good day. Enjoy the shit out of it. Have a good day. Like, hell of it.

Totally, totally. After talking to our fellow citizens in line for over an hour, we were on our way. After a very organized process of ticket scanning, getting wristbands, and security checks, we found ourselves in yet another line. While in our last line for 45 minutes, we received gold tattoos. What? It's a bunch of exclamations. Oh, like a stamp? I guess.

We're in! We covered so much ground because I was a mom on. a mission. In our way to the egg roll, we stopped to pose for a pick in front of the White House. My little one participated in the egg roll, took pictures of the cast of The Real Talk Show, ran through the football drills three times, took pictures with Darth Vader's Stormtroopers. What the fuck is happening at the Easter Egg Roll? Obama's cool, I guess. Was he even there? You think he's in charge of hiring stormtroopers to show up? Yeah. I don't.

You think his administration's not, though, because you should see what they have at the Trump I don't want people to associate me with the dark side, even though I don't think so. I've done some bad things because I'm the president of the United States. My little one met Darth Vader, Stormtroopers, Chef Robles. I don't know who that is. Kevin Frazier. Who's that? I know that guy.

Google. Do you want me to Google? With a Z. Kevin with a Z. No, Frazier with a Z. Oh, okay, yeah. I don't know who that man is. He's on entertainment tonight.

I've never met that man in my life. What? What? Who does he even play? All right. Anyway. Where are we? Kevin Frazier.

And my son attended his first concert on the South Lawn. Celento. Whip nay, nay. I'm so sorry. No. I can't. Watch me whip. That wasn't.

Watch me whip. That wasn't an invitation. A great time was had by all. End of review. Talk about Fabulosity. Talk about Fabulous. Wait, Fabulous was there too? That would have been cool.

That would have been cool. What a show. Salento. Celento. Solento. One thing that I want to make clear is that Solentia, we want to give you your laurels that you deserve. Speak for yourself. Your performance at the White House was incredible.

Honestly, very unique. The fact that that happened. It was a three-year-old's first concert. And like, how cool, though, to, like, do this concert when you're 18 at the White House? out where old he was by that point. I get it. One day I'll tell you this story about Alyssa going to the White House

Easter egg roll. That face means that I should move on. When she was a baby. Oh, they rolled her. They thought she was a giant egg. One of our favorite jokes is that I used to pretend to be an egg

on her front lawn until and we'd count. We'd set a timer to see how long it would take for someone to ask what I was doing. And oftentimes it would take like 25 minutes. Wow. No, I do remember doing things like, that of like, let's see how long it takes for someone to, and then just not doing anything for, wow, yeah.

I put a hood on it, I'd lay there in an egg position, I'd say. Oh, classic. Then I'd wait for someone to say, what are you doing? I'd go, I'm an egg, obviously. And then we'd think it was like the funniest thing ever. Yeah, you'd crack up. Here is a review titled Egg Hunt Disaster. Literally.

This is of Hilton Grand Vacations Club Mar. Oh, God. So this is a force-ar review. Somehow. Okay. But, so their experience, it seems, was very good other than this one part. So here we go. The Sheraton Easter Egg hunt was a disaster.

Both of my kids, seven and four, made bunny baskets and waited in line for the egg hunt, but they both did not find any eggs. There were children who had over 20 eggs in their baskets. After hunting for 15 minutes and not finding any eggs, both my kids began to cry and the staff did not do anything. It was a traumatic experience for my kids. and it was personally the worst planned egg hunt I've ever participated in. Next year, they need to limit the amount of eggs each child can get, i.e. no more than five eggs each. Also, they need to separate the age groups into smaller sizes. My business plan.

That's so silly. When I got this, I didn't know that was your challenge. The age group my kids participated in was from zero to seven, and many kids, especially the really young ones, did not get any eggs. Zero to seven is a huge... That is. I mean... I've seen a two-year-old go to a four-year-old, that alone. seems like a huge leap.

Leona's four, and that's in the middle. Like, imagine, like, zero to, I mean, that's crazy. Like, she could probably, I feel like, beat up some seven-year-olds, and she could definitely beat up some zero-year-olds, but I wouldn't. And they could both probably knock her over a good many of times. Yeah, like, it would be a fight, though. Like, she'd have to put up a fight, but she would win. I don't even know about that, but I'm.

No, she's scrappy. I'm very disappointed with the whole experience, and I ultimately had to make my own egg hunt in my room just to cheer up my kids. end of review. Or cheer up yourself. Let's be really. Cheer up yourself, true. Also, one thing I will say, saying this was a traumatic experience for your children,

I don't think it had to be. Okay, you know what? Al Sandor, that's a very good point. I think that's not on the hotel for this to be a quote, quote, traumatic experience because they didn't do anything to your children. I would agree. They just had a shitty egg hunt. It was just poorly executed, as you said, in your personal opinion, the worst,

sounds like you've been to a lot, the worst of any egg hunt you've ever been to. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there. I don't know. They didn't get four stars. So I'm not like saying that they, like, handled this poorly. It seems like they handled it as well as they could, and they're getting their frustration out. But, yeah, I hope it wasn't actually traumatizing for these children.

One day they're going to be like, why did we do that weird Easter time in your bedroom, mom? And you cried the whole time. They're like, that was traumatizing. That was traumatized. And she locked us in the room and then you cried the whole time. They said, find all the eggs. You haven't found them all. There's one more missing.

Okay. this is a review of The Great Easter Egg Hunt on DVD. What the hell is that? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. I don't think I'm familiar with that looking at the cover. Rian and Sheeher sent this in. It was released in 05. It's distressing.

It's called Easter Egg excitement and fun for the whole family by Golden Films. Now, I'll read the back here. It says, jump in and celebrate the promise of springtime in this animated adventure filled with toys, animals, music, and fun. which reminds us all to be thankful for the life we've got. Peter's grandmother sends him an Easter basket with a stuffed bunny known as whiskers, who becomes the envy of the other toys because he's taken to school and they stay home. After a dog snatches whiskers from the playground, he meets some real rabbits who tell him about a magic egg that the Easter bunny hides,

which grants a wish when it is found. Peter's life is threatened by a high fever. What? Okay. I was like, what is this? Boring bullshit. Oh, wow, you got a little bunny. He's dying?

Peter's life is threatened by a high fever. So Whiskers and his fellow toys, Celeste, Saber, Pee, VCR. It's actually VCR? This is this brave little toaster? It's literally just what's after VCR. Which, by the way, look at DVD. They're like, we know what's cool. VCR's retro.

Yeah, like, fucking, oh my God. Does that say trog? It sure does. Celest, Saber, Pee, VCR, Trog, and Harley. set out on a colorful quest to find the egg and save in his life. Okay. I'm picturing like Trogg and Harley to be like a dynamic duo. Yeah, they have one of the side.

One's in the side car. Yeah. Tragg rides in the sidecar. Harley is the... Harley drives the Harley. This came out of... Okay, it's 47... How they can fit all of that and all those names into 47 minutes, I'll never know.

And all that death. And now I want to read to you this one-star view that... By the way, this was sent in by Rian, and I forget if I had mentioned that. Okay, okay, good. She deserves to get karmic punishment for this. This is a one-star review, and then I'm going to show you just, I went digging for some more evidence of what was being discussed. Yes.

To, like, really get an idea, and it's troubling. This review is called, Um, something's wrong here. And it was written by Stephanie in 2009. Why is it that I feel like I'm watching Cinemax within the first two minutes of this movie? This movie has furry characters with Cleaver. that puts Pamela Anderson to shame. Hell yeah. I feel violated.

I won't let my kid watch this. If you're into really naughty, furry animal-type videos, this might be the one for you. So it sounds like this person needs to, like, look inward. Well, yeah, because the last line is, in which case you're sick. And it's like, first of all, absolutely unnecessary. You're the one who's looking at this and thinking that way.

A children's movie and reading into it like that. That being said, show me to booba. Oxygener. No, it's bad. Those are like triple D's, dude. Dude, that's fine that they're big, but it does seem. It's troubling. But, like, also, what's happening?

To require such a sexy rabbit. But to require, like, the Cinemax aspect of, like, the first two minutes are, like, really. Let's just say my interest in this movie is finally peaked. It was, I almost got there when I found out this kid was dying. And then you heard VCR and I thought, I don't know. And then I heard furry looking big breasted. You know what? Maybe I'm back in.

Hey, let's play a game. Why don't you guess which one's pee-Trog and VCR? I think I know who trog is. Holy fuck. What in the hell? Isn't that the fucking plot of the velveteen rabbit? Like the kid is dying of a high fever and then the velveteen rabbit like has to go venture to save him.

Like I thought that was the Velveteen rabbit story that traumatized me as a child. But in that book I'm reading that you gave me how to sell a haunted house, I'm still very early. But I think it's mentioned that she doesn't want to read the Velveteen rabbit to her child. Because it's so distressing. It affected her as a kid. That's right. And I was reading it like, yeah, it's one of those books that I'm like, I know it's depressing. I just don't know why.

I don't remember anything from it. I read it when I was five. So you were probably three. Okay. So I think like it was at that. age where you were probably like, yeah, going to file this away. I was like, never again. And I was like, stuffy animals have feelings and they're pain, feel pain. Yeah, that's not a good thing to. And when I'm dying, they think it's their responsibility. I mean, it's really quite a twisted,

twisted world we live in people. Amen to that. Furies are the least of our problems. I think furies are a solution to a lot of problems. I would agree. I'm a fan of the furry fandom. I wouldn't consider myself a furry. However, furies, you're okay in my book. Here's a review. Here's a review. of an adult Easter egg hunt at Brookdale Farms in Eureka, Missouri. Sorry, an adult Easter egg hunt? Yes. Okay.

Here we go. One star. Like, we're reading reviews of non-adult Easter egg hunts where the adults are, this is an actual... Have I heard of such a thing? I hadn't. Okay, no, then I haven't either. So this is actually one meant for adults.

Fun. I mean, I think that sounds fun. At Brookdale Farms. And here we go. I went to the adult Easter Egg Hunt. They totally overbooked it. Whenever the hunt, I took off from start line to collect eggs.

I was looking around for my friends that I came to the event with. I saw both of my friends get knocked down and trampled by other people. Oh my God. I immediately ran over to help them. There were so many people in my way. And they went, psych and knocked you over. Took all your eggs. We got them.

Grab their basket. Hunger game style. Amen. There were so many people in my way. It took me a little while to get to them. Jesus. I actually saw blood coming out of my friend's mouth. as her head was being trampled on.

What? I helped both my friends off the ground. My one friend had to be carried to the car because her leg was injured so badly. Alexaner. They both went to the hospital. Alexaner. My one friend had a concussion,

and my other friend's legion had a ligament torn and had to be on crutches for weeks. I am an event planner. The owners have no idea how to do events in a safe manner. All they care about is making money off people and not their safety. I can only imagine how many lives. little kids get injured in the kids' Easter egg time. Yeah, you can only imagine.

The most unsafe venue I've ever been to in the preview. And then somebody thinks, I know, let's add a helicopter. Like, what is happening? Like, why are we thinking? What are we thinking? Why was that the next conclusion? Like, how to spice these up? It's like, these kids are already getting trampled.

Let's add a helicopter. Yeah, I know what will make it better next time. I mean, really. It kind of does distract from everything. Like, look at me caring more about the kids that were hurt last time and caring more about the fact that helicopters there. Look up at the sky! Like, I'm like, these fucking helicopters,

meanwhile, kids are getting trampled. The blood coming out, I mean, really, that's a visceral description. Like, holding, I held my friends above the ground. Like, carrying men to the hospital. She was for, tell Sandra, I love her. Like, whoa. Jesus, Lord. What a time.

I'm going to read one more before you read your last one for the theme. Then your challenge. This one is from Lee, they, them. who sent him a review of Fox Hollow Farm. This is a two-star review. You know that uncle you have? The one who never got his stuff together and lives in your grandparents' basement

with a woman he met at the Bail Bond's place who subsists entirely on Hot Pockets and spends all day watching Judge Judy reruns? Fox Hollow is the farm version of that messed-up uncle. If they would just hire some people with skills to organize them, the experience would be so much better. Here are my observations after going for the egg hunt this year. One, kids are allowed to collect 12 empty eggs.

In past years, they filled eggs with candy, but the very candid woman working there told us, in front of my elementary school-age children, that mean people were stealing candy, so they went to empty eggs. I thought they weren't going to say kids were choking on them, and I was like, that's worse. Like, I thought, that's not so bad. My kids had questions.

Two, the easily found tossed right in the middle of the trail eggs are traded in at the end for six pieces of candy. Super lame, short-changing the children, bought at Costco an extra bulk, individually wrapped lifesavers candy. Why six pieces of candy for 12 eggs? Unknown. Lame. My kids had questions. Half a lifesaver per egg is ridiculous.

Three, I don't really care about candy, but I do care about professionalism. If you're going to charge people $50 per car, please deliver the fun. This event was poorly run, disorganized, and a complete flop. The Easter Bunny and the two egg per can. candy was on the second floor of the barn, despite the sign by the pagoda advertising that the Easter Bunny would be way over there. Oh my God. We got quite the hike in trying to find the old chap.

There was one staircase leading to the second floor of the barn. It was barely wide enough for a single file line. First, ADA? Children who can't climb stairs don't deserve candy? Second, who the heck decided to put a railing on only one side of the staircase? This sounds like a mixed use for like, like, they're a mixed use for, like, you know, like a skate park slash like recreational teenage hangout versus like an actual. Yeah, yeah.

I guess what is this? This is the uncle review, right? This is the same uncle review. So half a railing. So far you're like, it's pretty fitting. Bottleneck, impatient crowds, kids bushing, messiness. The people going up had no railing and had to balance against the wall. My kids were feeling unsafe with a sheer number of shoving people and lack of railing to steady themselves.

Seriously, Fox Hollow Farms. If you're reading this, do better. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Four, little kid ATVs, those are the best part of the whole place. They have very short battery life. They were almost fully inoperable due to dead batteries in less than an hour. Little Kid ATVs. Yeah.

That's fun. You want to rode one of those little kid motorcycles. Is that kind of what it is, you think? Yeah. Cool. Lots of people. I saw other reviews. First of all, again, don't mix heavy machinery with Easter accounts.

I would recommend, but like, it does sound fun. Apparently, the batteries all died, though. So it says many children. and the long line were disappointed. The whole thing felt like an ill-conceived money-making machine with little oversight and no love. So, back to your uncle. I blame your grandparents for coddling him. Correct.

He should hire a life coach. Fox Hollow Farms should borrow that life coach. They can't afford it. They should just take an extra bonus session. Oh, my God, off your uncle. And hire an event planner and redesign the stairs. Hey, I know an event planner. Oh, my gosh.

Who also knows, like, basic first aid. I think that could be really helpful. You can be virtual. So true. Whoever's in, oh yeah, Johnny at Brookdale Farms. That's right. So true. And hire an event planner and redesign the stairs and install ADA-compliance spaces and clean up from Halloween. We saw skeleton parts in the field. Holy crap. I hope they were from Halloween. Oh, my God.

One star because I can't give zero. Another because cute baby animals. End of review. Another because decomposing bodies in the woods. Potentially. Allegedly. Allegedly. I love that. Like, I saw Halloween decorations out there, and they're like, let me walk you that to the groundskeeper. We've got a situation.

We've got a code. Code ivory. All right. Time for my challenge, folks. I actually have a review of an Eastern Hunt that Stacey sent in that is a perfect segue into the challenge, which you kind of covered one similar, where they give guidance to the farm, unsolicited guidance on how to properly run a business. Run a business. Mm-hmm. Run their business.

This is a review. It's a four-star review of Geary Farm in McDonald, Pennsylvania, by Trina, a local guy. Beautiful Farm, lots of vendors. They could do some more advertising off of Facebook, though. They advertise pretty hard for vendors, but you can't have an event without customers. With some time in advertising, the event to the public, this event will become pretty popular, I think. Also, it was super hot on Saturday, so maybe that's why there weren't a lot of people there. my suggestion would be maybe have hours toward evening when it begins to cool down, say from five to nine. Being it's a farm, though, I get that's probably feeding time for the animals. P.S. All the babies were so cute. My kids enjoyed being able to pet them. End of review.

What in the world are you saying, oh, I'm sure that's probably the feeding time. Are you? That's when I feed my dog. Have you ever read a farmer's almanac? That's a four-hour window. Like, what do you mean? That is the time to fill. First of all, the farm did respond, and they were like, Thanks. We do try to advertise our best, but we had a good time. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you're the only one who had any issues. They weren't even issues. It sounds like they were just like, it could have been busy.

You could have advertised differently, which is just so strange. Okay. So unsolicited business pitch is that is my challenge. I have a review. That's a good start. Because, yeah, mine did mention what they could have done differently, but that was like a fucking, that was a pitch. And it was irrelevant to like the actual event, right? Like, well, it's not. irrelevant, but it was like pretty unrelated. It wasn't like put a railing in so people don't get trampled. It was like, yeah, yeah. Here's a better strategy. Here's how to run your business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Okay, so this is a review of Deke's bagels in my, oh, I meant to ask a place how to say this. Niantic, Connecticut? Someone will tell me. Jennifer gave

Deeks bagels a one-star review. The muffins were uncovered on the counter and had flies landing on them. For some reason beyond my comprehension, they don't sell tea, only coffee. I would like to offer some free business advice. I hate that. I hate that so much. I wouldn't warn you, that's the phrase I googled and I went, click, click, click, click. There's about a hundred of these on the front page. I fucking hate it. I would like to offer some free business advice. Buy a $5 box of 50 Lipton tea bags and charge three to four dollars for a cup. Jesus Christ. You already have the hot water. There is a spout on the coffee machine. Like as if they don't know that. Thank you. There's a spout on the coffee machine.

You also have the cups, the lids, the milk, and sugar. End of review. Okay. So they're saying mark up Lipton tea. Like, as if they want their... Give me shitty tea from Costco. And it's like, would you even pay that? I feel like this person would complain about that.

$4 for a Lipton tea bag out of a hot water. That's insane. I mean, that's so annoying. Like, why would you want that? But they think that's an actual suggestion. And this is what Deke J had to say, business owner. Don't forget to mention our 42-inch sneeze garings. that the muffins are protected by to keep the pests. Wink, wink, nod, nod.

Away. That is good. Flies? It's 20 degrees out with wind chill factor below zero. Come on, now. Play nice. Hell, what a good response. Adam.

Now get ready to hear a review of Super Dry in Manhattan. Oh, well, not. Super Dry in Manhattan? Yeah. Uh-oh. Can you imagine? I think it's their flagship. How would you describe Super Dry?

I don't know. Isn't it from England? I thought they, someone called this their flagship store, but maybe, maybe it's their U.S. flagship. Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, you're probably right. What do I know? I've only been in there a couple times and both times I'm like, ugh. It is a clothing fashion store, uh, has like a stigma behind it.

So this is the Superdry in Manhattan. One Star by Donald of Donald of Manhattan, New York, New York. So right there in his bio. All of the one star reviews I see here correspond perfectly with the low. loathsome in-store customer service I experienced today, which I feel like actually goes hand-in-hand with something like a Manhattan superbishop. Yeah, like they probably were taught to act that way, right? Lothsome feels like the right vibe.

Yeah. While I asked a saleswoman to check on a size for me, a young wiry salesman brusquely told me to move aside so he could fold the shirts in front of me. His manner was hostile and peevish, like a teenager who couldn't be bothered. Yeah, that's who works there. That is who he is. And also there's no way this, this,

teenager walked up to you and went, move aside. Get out of my way. Jesus Christ. At first I thought he was joking. Because what salesperson is that insolent to a customer? When I pointed out this unfriendly customer service, he edged into my personal space, i.e. looming too close for comfort and suggested that he wasn't being paid enough to care. Amen.

He suggested it. I love this guy. I bet he told you right up. Yep. So I asked him to step away from my personal space. to which he responded that he was so close because I didn't move when he told me to. So I dropped the hundreds of dollars of merchandise

I was readying to buy on the ground. What an asshole! I told both managers who seemed contrite but also aware that this store has service problems. As Yelp commenter Dan Kay said in another review, as the- Sounds like you're citing a paper. Chill, dude.

As Yelp commenter Dan Kay said in another review, And as the plethora of one-star reviews here suggest, this store seems to have a childishly mean attitude. How can the local managers, both of whom said they've been with the company close to 10 years, and how can CEO Julian Dunkerson at his team? Maybe it is a paper for business school. Oh, my God, right? I hope so, because this is ridiculous. You should not know what the CEO of Superdry, who they are.

It reeks of like going on having already posted this on. on a trust pilot and like having seen glass door, yeah. Better Business Bureau. They filed a report. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And how can CEO Julian Delkerton and his team not correct the customer service problem in this important Manhattan location? It's all over the news.

I'm sorry, what is all over the news? That this wiry teenager... This helicopter dropped a bunch of Easter eggs all over the future. It's all over the news, e.g. Reuters, Associated Press, Yahoo Finance, end parentheses, that the super dry brand is struggling, quote unquote. It's all over the news. And it's this team's fault? Well, what is Julian Dunkerton and his team? Why are they not correcting this problem? Here is some free business advice to new C-O-O-Shon Pat. I hate this.

The self-importance is insane. On a Yelp review. Honestly, you know what I suggest? Let the business go on. Who cares enough? Why do you care of Super Dry survives? You didn't even buy this shit. You dropped it all.

Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You clearly don't care that much about this place. Go to Supreme. Same letters. Whatever the fuck. I think that might be where my associate. I know they're very different in my head. But like, it's the same style, but like a lot more commercialized.

And the two letters, S you close enough. That's all it is, actually. That the Super Dry brand is struggling. Here's some free business advice to new C-O-O-Shawn Pack. Fix the well-documented customer service deficiency at your Manhattan flagship, and maybe your brand might struggle a little less. End of review. Man.

One person found this helpful. One person said thanks. One person said love this. One person said, oh, no. And I bet they were all Dan Kay or whoever the fuck. Yeah. Other yelp comments. They're in cahoots.

Fucking imagine that being your day And like then the rest of the day You're just in a shitty You're seething. You're seething. It's such a waste of energy. You're feeling righteous. Ugh, terrible.

Just believe it or not, we get heated on this podcast. I forget everything that we do the moment we cut. Yeah, we don't really care though. We just, uh. We care. In the moment. Until we don't. I'll be here now.

And I think this is someone who cares and never stops caring. This is a review of Beyond the Reef. Oh, that sounds good. I don't know what it is. But if it's nature, if it's weed, I don't know. A little reef. And I'm like, it could be a lot of good things. What if it was a sushi restaurant?

I'm just kidding. It's not. It is a aquatic pet store. Cool. Fish store. I mean, I don't know. I just remember that one that we would go to growing up that was then closed down. I don't know.

It's just gone, gone. Yeah, those feel like kind of a relic, don't they? It was insane in there. But I bet you, like, abandoned pet stores feel like they're automatically liminal spaces. Yeah. And like the smell doesn't help. smell alone, the like weird layout. Oh my God. It was like a maze in there.

Probably like dark. All dark. A bunch of fish. Okay. So this is beyond the reef, which I wish were a dispensary. Maybe it is somewhere. But Schaumburg, Illinois is not at this particular time. Two stars. Been going here for years for corals, marine fish and salt. Now under new management, the place is half freshwater. If I wanted freshwater fish, I will go to Petco. I'd just go fishing. I'm not. I mean. I wouldn't.

Amen. Recently, I was the only customer buying several marine animals. Okay, call them fish. Stop being weird. Please. Well, maybe they got a mollusk. Then say I got a fucking shell. Like, don't be stupid.

Hey, don't speak about mollusks that way. Recently, I was the only customer buying several marine animals, but the staff was busy doing tank maintenance, and the other employee answered the phone and began a long conversation answering lame questions. Here is some free business advice. I'm ready to write it down. If you have a customer in your store picking out merchandise and ready to pay,

how about putting that lazy caller on the phone on hold? Jesus. Anyway, this place has gone down the toilet, end of review. So hang up on your customer. Why don't you just hang up? When someone calls for advice about their fish and they're like, what a lame idiot, why don't you hang up on them and let me pay? It's that thing of like these people, the self-importance thinking that they need to

And they're going to hate that. They're going to hate this. But they're just getting triggered over and over again because they're, like, offended. And it's like, that's not about you. No. And this person who's working there, no matter how much you grumble, they're not going to take it on personally. Well, I hope not. Take it on personally because they deal with bullshitters and people like you all day long.

Yeah. So anyway. So that's why I love the response. You had the other, like, a couple of reviews ago or that business. Oh, yeah. We have to keep vermin like you away from our muffins. Okay. Okay.

They said pests. But. Furman might be accurate for others. I can read between the lines. You certainly can't. Remember that show between the lions? In between. That was actually a show within a show.

It was, wasn't it? What was it in, though? And then it became its own thing, didn't it? Or no. Oh, yeah, it did become its own thing. I thought it was its own thing. You're totally right. When Francisco was little, it did.

Remember they would always say... I watched it in school. It's like cliffhanger. Oh, maybe... Oh, sorry. Yeah, I think you're right. It was its own show. It just had a lot of things within it.

It was, oh, it had its own segments. Anyway, sorry. Why are we talking about that? Because you said you can read between the lions. And I was like, oh, like between the lions. Celine and I love it. I did love it too. We watched it in school.

We watched it. Oh, really? I watched it at Celine's house and we would always be like, cliffhanger. Here's another review of Beyond the Reef. Apparently people have very strong opinions about how this place should run their business. Okay. This is a one-star view by Chris. Yeah.

Have you met fish people? No, thank God. Our call. Mour people. is atlantic car. So this is a one-star view of Beyond the Reef. A pet store that opens at one o'clock on a Saturday, I'll be shopping somewhere else. What?

What do you want? Just fucking fuck off. That's wild. Kick rocks. It's so specific. Take a hike. I would love to see the nearest fish store and see when they open on Saturday. Is it that, is it like all 20 within a 10 mile radius?

I would, if I were in that, I'd 1230, baby. Oh, wow. Get that early bird customer. And then that reviewer would be like, thank goodness for this place. Exactly right. So early. Catch them with that honey, you know? Hmm.

Sure. Also, then I don't have to get up until 12 o'clock. So you want pests like this in your store? Yeah. Yeah. Because clearly they drop hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise. I want the money. So as long as you treat them like the kings that they are.

That's right. And I'll smile the whole time. Yeah. Okay. This is the last thing I have is. It's a review from QVC.com. Uh-oh. And it's of, it's actually from their forums.

And it's a discussion about the business model. There are a lot of discussions about the business model of QBC by people who. The people who I least trust to talk about the QVC model as in their customers. Who spend a lot of money at QVC for somebody who doesn't like their business model. Okay. Here is a post on the forums. The original poster is called Addicted to Kee. Q. Exactly. I'm supposed to take your advice. I'm supposed to take your advice.

But weirdly, I'm also like, they get it more than others. But at the same time, but do they really get it? But they don't have access like, they're not on the other side. They don't know what's going on behind the scenes. You know what I mean? Like, they probably just feel like they do. They do. Probably. Yeah. That makes sense. So this was written actually on Christmas Day. Oh dear. In 2025. It's getting worse. Yeah, I didn't know that until now. And the title is Financial Woes Questioner. read the article written by, oh my God,

imagine if it said like, Yahoo Finance. Which, by the way, they're clearly like roasting everybody on that Yahoo Finance. It's all over the news. I went on Yahoo recently and I was like,

oh, what, this is a jump scare? It's a jump scare. It's not. I'm like, who has this as their homepage sale? So Blaze used to

for, he had to block it, but he would like wake him up because it was so fucking like, you like, the articles are so in your face. And then it'd be like, she did what?

And he'd be like, I don't know. The amount of click bait shit. Let me find out. It's crazy. Super dry, going under? Doctors say this one trick can cure foot fungus. Read the article written by the Philadelphia Business Journal about the financial woes at Q.

One suggestion to help viewers in sales would be to totally revamp the return process. It takes forever to get a refund, which I'm like, that's probably part of the business. They should revamp it so that they don't offer refunds. Is that what they're trying to say? No, they're trying to say the opposite. but like the Philadelphia Inquirer or whatever it was like. I don't think the Philadelphia Inquirer discussed that. I think this person is coming up with their own theory.

Q needs to adopt the return model used by Amazon, not to mention free shipping with Amazon Prime. Refunds are amazing. Request the refund online. Choose whether you want a refund to your credit card. I always choose the Amazon credit for simplicity and speed. Print out your mailing label and take the return item to a UPS store. In most cases, before I even arrive back home, 20 minutes away. I get a text saying my purchase has been refunded and I have Amazon credit.

I've usually spent that refund within a day or two. I really encourage Q to step it up and adopt this model. A business needs to be competitive. Your customers would love it. Well, no shit. I mean, really. Any business customers would love something like that. You should sell.

It doesn't mean it's a good idea. I have a business free business advice. You should sell stuff that people really want to spend money on. And then if they return it, you should give them immediate refunds. Exactly. What are you talking about? It's like someone who understands QVC in so many ways, but they don't understand business at all. Exactly.

Not that I do, but I can also look at this and be like, I could come up with a bunch of reasons why they wouldn't do this. Well, yeah, because it's, yeah. It's ridiculous. Well, here's what B-H, this is the last thing I have here. It's a response to that post by B-H-V-B-N-H video? V-R. V-R? V-R.

This is by Trog. Re. Financial Woes. Amazon doesn't have the same business model that QVC has. When you buy a shirt from Amazon, have you seen it modeled on TV in a showroom? With a designer and vendor talking about all of its features? It has a model. Where is it?

True. Is it offered in petite and tall? Probably. How about extra small? Probably, yeah. All the way to 3X? Uh-huh. Do they put together an outfit of complementing pieces?

BTW, nothing is free. You want free shipping? You're going to have to pay for it somewhere else. Oh. I mean, okay. They had some points in there. Let's fucking relax. I do think that they also somehow underestimate what Amazon does.

Yeah. Acting like QBC is that much better. Because probably when they pitch it, they're like, you run this all the way from extra small. Wow, it's amazing. They act like everything. So I guess they're overestimating QVC and underestimating. Either way, none of these people know what they're talking.

about. And guess what? As someone who doesn't know what he's talking about, I think I can tell when other people don't either. I think we know a thing or two about not knowing a thing or two. Yeah. Oh, speaking of which, do you think they caught on? Okay. Today, if you haven't noticed, is April Fool's Day and we have not said anything. Or have we? Or have we? And that is, I guess, as much. I'll just leave you with that. Leave you with a little mystere. Myster. Is that a word? Yeah. Oh, mystique, mystier, same thing.

We can leave you with both. Let's leave you with all of the above. Bye. Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Schiefer. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borhees Wendell of VW Sound. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. You swear? If I'm lying, I'm dying.

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