Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 386: Reviews of Umbrellas

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to Beach, too, Sadi, Water, Toot the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm sister host, Christine. And I am your brother host. My name is Zandi. I'm excited to be here today. It is not lost on me that our new little titles I've given us,

brother-sister host, are sort of religiously tinged. And I find that to be kind of a fun eccentricity. Fun is one way to put that. I did have someone talking to me who just saw us through Instagram and was like, oh, I thought that was your wife. So it's probably for the West, best. It's for the West. For the West.

Utah. Utah, only. I can jump right. in because you're mentioning religion, and I have some examples of religious psychosis to start if you're interested. To you? I do. This is reviews of umbrellas, so you might be wondering why that's relevant.

I mean, I am. Well, Izzy sent in comments under the song, Umbrella, by Rihanna on YouTube. A review in its own right, a comment on YouTube. Sure, sure. Here is one of the top comments. It just says, I refuse to believe this isn't about the rain. And you might be wondering, well, of course, what else would it be about? Why would you even say that?

Well, someone said, who have eyes to see, we'll see. Don't let that go over your head. What? And then someone else said facts to that. Someone else says, LOL, guys, calm the fuck down. It's a song, and this is Rihanna. So shut the fuck up. Well, okay, first of all, like, I want to be behind that sentiment.

Like, yeah, everybody chill out. What do you mean? Guys, it's Rihanna. I think they're saying like Rihanna wouldn't sing songs about the following. The Illuminati? Yeah, probably she would though. She is a billionaire, true. Is she?

Yeah. Oh, because of her makeup thing. Yeah. I forgot about that. What's it called fendie? Fenty. Mix them up. I mix them up.

Fender bender. I didn't say that. Yeah. Okay, boomer. Shut up. Here is another comment. And here we go. Of course it's not about the rain.

It's when she officially joined the Secret Society. At the triangle in the video, there's a sign of Baphimet. Pause the video and see. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, in response to that. This is the YouTube comments you and I would read back in the day. Like, we would probably, I probably wrote that actually. Yeah.

Yeah, actually, maybe. I might have written that. Are you Alvin M. Bougua? You know, I'm not that I would have also, I just realized put like Astros instead of Baphimett. I don't think I would have had the guts to spell that out right. Of course. Certainly not me. That's a good point.

Not me after all. Well, in response to that comment, someone said, that's exactly what it is. Wake up. Jesus is real. Which, again, why are you bringing Jesus into this? When talking about Baffeman. He's busy. You're right.

To be clear, these comments were from five years ago. Five years ago, this song, when do you think it came out? I know. What do you mean? When do I think it came out? The year, I started summer gym and Coach Kay got fired. It was a best year. It was the best summer gym.

ever because he's like fuck this school. I never I never did summer gym because I was a two sport athlete. Sorry. 242. Was one of your sports and was golf, right? Just clarifying. Yeah, there was tennis. Okay, it's not as good as Logan who's three sports.

He was a three sport athlete. They brought him up on stage and each athlete they announced what sports they played. And unlike most people who were like soccer or lacrosse, basketball, etc. his three were tennis, bowling, and golf. And no offense, Logan, because he and I were on the same page. We sucked in tennis and golf and just kind of goofed off. Well, I was so bad at bowling, they didn't count it toward my... That's sad.

It was actually a club credit. Yeah. Well, I'm almost done. There's a comment, 242. Baphomet, aka Rain Man, makes his appearance. Rain Man. What? Maybe they mean in the video there's a man.

in the rain because it's umbrella. Oh, rain, man. Guess what? I didn't watch the video because I'm really afraid of Baffement. Wait a minute. Is that a word for... It's a thing.

It's a thing. Well, first of all, I was worried that my dumb browser AI bullshit was going to be like, there's a deep connection, and then, like, you look it up and there's, like, no fucking connection. So I made sure to find, like, a reputable source, which is villas.fandum.com. And I found that this article's content is marked as mature.

Oh. So let's proceed with. Ashen, people. It says here, wow, okay. The Rain Man is one of the main antagonists of conspiracy culture. Whoa. It's a demonic entity that's believed to be a corrupting influence behind the music industry. Oh, particularly Jay-Z and Rihanna.

It literally looks like they took a negative from an old film camera, zoomed in. It kind of looks like they did an MRI of a chicken. A chicken roast, yes. A roasted chicken with its legs spayed out. They put googly eyes on it. Yeah, which disgusting in its own way. And also powerfully evil. Not weakly evil?

Powerfully evil? Well, I find people like certain people evil without power behind it. They're just evil. Oh, okay. Well, interesting because the same commenter has something else to say. Even songs like Monster. The imagery is still there. Hell, even Eminem makes a whole ass song about his deal with the fucking devil.

Are you guys blind? End of review. Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves with the terminology. I know I called it a review earlier. I'm changing my tune on that. Eminem also uses a lot of slurs, but apparently his whole thing is... You get it. Jesus is real.

His whole thing is making a deal with the devil. Not that I'm criticizing him. Every musician has made that, like, that's a very old reference making a deal with the devil. This is like a blues reference. So Eminem didn't invent that. We fucking weirdo. Oh my God, he even says in the song, Rain Man is back. Little Miss Sunshine, Rihanna, where are you at?

Alex Inter, why? What's that big dark cloud moving in? Oh, no. Oh, no, it's raining chicken roasts. Oh, no, they're everywhere. Not the googly eyes. Get the x-ray machine. I don't know what's happening anymore.

Yeah, don't worry. I'm done with that. Can I move on now? Yeah, we're moving on. Like, starting with YouTube comments is like just particularly evil. Speaking of evil. It just really sets a strange tone. It was a rough idea of mine to do.

I mean, Izzy, I'm glad Izzy sent this in, but my idea to bring it first was ill-advised. Can you comment on Spotify songs? Probably not. I've tried. And it hasn't worked out, so it might be a me problem. First of all, did you know there's like messaging on there now? Yeah, everyone who leaves a negative comment, I send them a DM.

I say, the rain man's coming. Here he comes. And it's just Rick Astley. Here's the review. Zoe they, she says, Hello, brother, host, and sister host. Hello. This is a one-star review of an umbrella on Walmart.com. I'll show you a picture.

It is just an umbrella, and it says, Well, it's not just an umbrella. That is a rainbow umbrella. Alexander, color me. Color me mortified. This is a rainbow umbrella. You're so right. And there is a little graphic on it that says,

Lifetime Replacement Checkmark. Don't forget. It's travel friendly. That's right. Sure, sure. So this is a one-star view called Broke after a year. A rib broke on this umbrella the first time I used it. I should have returned it then, but I thought it would survive.

Then the spring mechanism broke and began to shoot the handle out into my stomach with results similar to a Mike Tyson punch in the gut. Over and over again, they said it keeps it like they said as if every time. Every time. How are they opening it? Just taking a gut punch whenever it's raining? Devil's punching you. Then the spring mechanism completely failed and sliced my finger open right outside the

Subway on my way to work. What? You know, you know I'm not a fan of physical comedy unless it's in a review from Yelp. And I just, it's pretty good. Walmart.com, it really just, it makes me giddy. It's terrible. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's terrible.

Like, I'm not proud. I'm not proud of my response to the pain these people go through. But every time an umbrella, like, punches someone or like, it just gets me good. Yeah. No, I agree. I like it. I mean, I don't like it for them, but... I mean...

Talk about physical comedy. I have something sent in by Abby, and this is of the new Vye umbrella hat, adult, and kids folding cap for beach fishing golf party headwear. Oh, no. So this... It's an umbrella hat, and this is a verified purchase, which I think is important,

because sometimes these, you can't tell if they're real. Yeah. This one is real. It's a three-star review titled Weird Looking Product. The product looks weird. Wearing it makes me stand out in a crowd. I don't like that people point fingers at me and laugh. Okay.

Imagine buying an umbrella hat. Okay, yeah. I'm being surprised at people's reactions to you wearing an umbrella hat. Unless you're Logan and or unless you're in like the fifth grade and you haven't really like learned what's like cooler or what's going to get you laughed at. Why did you bring up Logan? Are you just trying to think of someone you don't think was cool in fifth grade? Yes. That's not nice.

Alex, are you literally? I have never seen that man as a man or a child wear an umbrella hat. How dare you? And we were on the golf team. We were the last two. You know why he did it? He had like the bear's survival skills and he knew we would destroy him if he did something like that. Yeah, you did bully him a lot.

We bullied him in Sicily, okay? And here's the other thing. When you said he was a three-sport athlete, I really genuinely sincerely thought one of them was going to be like a Latin convention thing. No, but he did that too, of course. So here is another review of the umbrella hat that Abby also sent in, but it's a different review. Amazing. I know. And I was really excited to be showing you the picture.

I need you all to understand what this is. Like, I don't. Oh, it'll be on our social media. at some point. So look at that, look for that. But you can describe it. Please. I don't, I can't actually.

It has, Alexander. It's like as if you put just the top of an umbrella on someone's head. And there's a long strap. And like the strap dangles. Like it looks like a turkey thing, like a gobbler. I don't know what those are called. I forget. But it looks like that.

Do you know when you see like in a rice paddy and they have those beautiful straw hats? It looks like that shape. And it even has like the nice little thing of my bob on top. Except the thing I'm above up on top here is hilarious. It has like, do you see this like little cord that you can use to hang up on the wall? Oh. But then when you put it on your head, it just hangs off the top of you. Like a little hook.

It's extreme peak silliness. It is. Okay. It's extremely silly. Like you are walking whimsy wearing this. Totally. Although I will say the color is like gray. Like that should not be the color for it.

It looks like it's on a Rick Steve's packing list. A Rick Steve's Europe travel packing list. Like, it's not meant to be whimsical for the people who are genuinely buying it for its intense and purposes, is what I would say. I see. It's not meant necessarily for whimsy. It's just inherently whimsical. Amen. Here's a review, one star.

Also a verified purchase. Important. Actually, for this review, the most important also. Like, the most important. The title is, poor quality of the spoken die. Paul says, as much as I like this hat umbrella, by my last count. I already bought 11 of them. I have one in each car.

First of all, how many how many cars do you have? Are they all convertibles? Is that why you need this? Are you Warren Buffett? And that's why you love these. That's why you think Warren Buffett would spend money on this? Isn't he known to be a cheap bastard? That's right.

This thing is like 20 bucks or something. Times 200, all of his cars. Yeah, he needs one in each car. He's already bought 11 of them. I have one in each car. I cannot do without them for health reasons. What? Wait, cannot.

What? I cannot do without them for health reasons. Oh, okay. Well, I'm assuming they mean they can't hold an umbrella, which, like, I can understand that. But I would say, like, saying, I need 11 of these for health reasons. Yeah, I think that's, that might be a stretch.

Right? Like, I feel like, I need an umbrella I can't hold for health. You know what I mean? But, okay, sure. This is a prescription hat umbrella. Okay, sure. Whatever you say, Paul. First of all, if it's in prescription, how many refills do you have?

Surely not 12. 12 refills on your umbrella. No insurance company is covering that. Like, don't, your FSA, HSA. Yeah, they're finally like, we got to cut you off, Paul. Please. We paid for 12 of these umbrellas. You can't be how many.

The spokes break very easily. I have to trash them each time. I imagine that I am not the only one with this experience. I imagine you actually certainly are the only one. Yeah, maybe. With buying 11. 12. The spokes are not durable.

The quality of the cloth is also poor. The paint used for the cover fades very easily. I hope I can find a better brand of the hat umbrella. I will attach photos next time. Tragically, there was not a next time with photos. Shoot. Bag nabit. Bang nabin.

I'm surprised that now they're finally like, maybe I'll look for other ones. This was updated June 4th, 2024. It's not like this is, you know, 20 years ago when like there was maybe one hat umbrella available to the public. I mean, honestly, maybe there are. Maybe it was popular and it died off so fast and suddenly because of all the pointing and laughing. You hate to hear that.

It's like the fanny pack. Look at it now. Look at it now. Okay, I am so excited to talk about today's sponsor, Zeni, because Blaze, you got to love him. He's a Capricorn, okay? He had these glasses and they broke. And, you know, he's the type rather than go out there and buy new glasses, which

Which, to be fair, it's 2026. You'd think that there would be easier, you know, routines to buy new eyeglasses. But no, it's always still so complicated. Of course, that's where Zeni steps in. And so Blaise had these broken glasses. He was wearing them all the time. And he had this like strap that went around his head. I mean, it's just, it's a whole production.

Okay. And it doesn't bother me any. But, you know, after some time, I was like, honey, like, you need new glasses. Let's do this. And then Zeni came in as a sponsor the next day. And I went, how have I not thought? to look into Zeni as an option for Blaze. So Blaze got to do a whole bunch of try-ons.

We did a little fashion show. That was mostly for my enjoyment. And he got some new frames. And because they're so affordable, he was able to get a couple. And then I, oh my God, you guys are going to freak. They're not here yet. No one's going to freak except me.

They're these heart-shaped glasses. And then when you go outside, they're blue light glasses. And when you go outside, they turn pink. Okay, it's more important that Blaze got new glasses. but I wanted to let you know about that as well because they will be coming in hot. Zeni is an online eyewear shop, prescription glasses, sunglasses, blue light lenses starting at under $30.

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My next one, this was sent in by Riannon. This is of the Tina Wood funny folding middle finger umbrella, creative gift for man slash women, parentheses black, parentheses middle finger pattern. There are a lot of parentheses. I thought there was a black, white, Asian. And I was like, okay, I think we get it. Thanks.

We know it's forever. Oh, holy shit. So it's a large umbrella with a hand with a middle finger. I'll be honest, I thought it was going to like pop up a middle finger. Oh, that's, I thought it was like a novelty like, but it's like an image of a middle. It is an image on the top of a black umbrella. Black and white, very tasteful. And here's a one-star review verified with a picture titled, What Is This?

You really need to add a picture so you could see this umbrella. It's like eight different pieces of a picture that doesn't match. I really, really want to send a picture. How can I do this? that. Thankfully, someone else, and by someone else, multiple people had the exact same issue and included a photo. No, I'm imagining it's all the different. It is fingers in ways that... Hey, that's a nightmare for somebody out there. I mean, speaking of nightmare. Who's afraid of, like, any sort of appendages. Yeah, you know what it reminded me of? The thumb thumbs from spy kids.

Oh, that's bad news. I don't want to think about that. It's like a whole like orgy of them. That's what it looks like. Orgy of thumb-thums. Am I wrong? I think you're summoning again, Baphimit or somebody here. Pazoozuzu. The energy is so bad around those fingers. Yeah.

It's like, think of the panel with a handful of fingers and then you just like swap all the panels around on the umbrella. Think of thumb-thums from my kids. No, don't think about that. Don't think about that. And they're having an orgy. Just think about anything else. Okay.

Here's a review sent in by Sam, he, him. It's a once-review, another verified purchase. These are really, you know what, I'm not surprised. People reviewing umbrellas feels like they would be like a class act. Like, it feels like if you're reviewing, taking the time to review. You're upstanding citizens. Yes. Like they're like totally rule followers, you know?

Thumb, Thumb fans. Thumb fans. Okay, here is a review. One star by Vera. Purchasing the color red slash red. Here it is. There are no instructions on how to assemble the umbrella. Once assembled, it's too high up and too far back.

Not over my head, therefore no shade. What are these extra screws for? The color of the umbrella is nice. I'm not satisfied at all, end of review. And now I have a picture of it. What is happening? You need like a freaking like, it has a whole like vest. It's like a car seat.

You like strap yourself into like a little car seat. So instead of it being around your head like the last one where it's like kind of like a hat. Back brace. Yeah, it's like a back brace with an umbrella above it. But apparently. Hey, I mean, weirdly, I would prefer that. I don't think so. The quality, no, but if I had a good quality one.

Well, if you need it for health reasons, that's another. That is another. I don't know if my insurance covers this one. But this one probably. The one that's just that weird hat. Yeah, that one, my insurance would be like. This picture with the blue, gray thing, it looks like what they would sell out of Walgreens when it starts raining like a poncho.

You know what I mean? No. You know when, like, it starts. raining and all of a sudden every drugstore has like ponchos. Like roller coaster tycoon. Yeah. Where it starts raining and everyone goes to the info desk to buy an umbrella. It feels like this is like the dollar one you get.

Yeah. And by dollar, they up the price whenever it's raining. It comes like $200. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Totally. That luxury umbrella hat. Yeah. My next one, this is of shed rain, unbelievable.

It's the same kind that Warren Buffett keeps in his 11 cars. That's my ad for them. I don't think they need advertising. They're doing pretty well. I think so. someone's buying 11. So I think they're set. That's a full year's worth of money for what those cost them.

Okay. Here is a review of shed rain, unbelieve umbrella. Reverse umbrella. Oh. I don't know what that means. Shed rain. Shed rain. It's either that or she drain.

Whatever you empty yourself, you use a she drain. Well, there's a she go. Oh, yeah. She do go. And also, those are all really good, like, drag names. She drain. That one's not.

I don't know if that's true. Shed rain. Shed rain or unbelieve abrella. I'm going to stick with a rain man. That's my drag name. Here's the one star review. Ocean Man. This is by Cindy of the unbelieve umbrella.

Junk will return. If I wanted an umbrella that wouldn't open, I would have gone to Goodwill and review. The fucking Goodwill Shade. First of all, don't shade Goodwill? Also, like, they probably fucking test the umbrella before they I mean. Yeah, to see if they want it for themselves.

Exactly. And they probably take all the good umbrella hats. No, you're so right. I've seen people. I've seen employees of Goodwill leaving it through the back door with this. Oh, my God, Christina. And then you just stepped up and said, can I see your insurance card, please? Let me make sure.

You owe me a copay. This medical device is good for you. This is a medical device that you're selling. Okay, this is another review of the. Freaking back brace one. Yeah, but I haven't read the. title out loud yet. So let me just say it's called Primo Supply. Handles free strap-on

wearable self-aurella. No, not the strap-on umbrella. Oh, no. Strap on wearable self-embrala. Oh, boy. You can get this strap-on to use for yourself. And then it says sun UV rain blocker, fishing, outdoor, camping, use, running, jogging, canoe, kayak, shade. Avoid skin problems caused by sunlight. Okay. Yeah. Plenty of strap on to do. That's the exact place you use them.

Yeah, totally true. Especially canoeing. Okay, one star review of this beautiful back brace umbrella called umbrella is crap. The concept of this handless umbrella is great. However, the umbrella that comes with this is completely trash. The slightest wind sends this umbrella into a floppy mess. I got this for my male carrier husband. By the end of the day, he was drenched and had soggy.

Mail. End of review. Oh, no. That is exactly who that's for, though. Totally. And I think they're right about it being a good concept. I think my mail carrier has a thing that, yeah. Yeah, I mean, they have like sun hats, I feel like a lot. Yeah, those sun hats, which usually is enough. First of all, it says handles, but I'm realizing it's supposed to say handless. Oh, it says handles free. Sorry. Like, it's free from handles. I think we can all agree it's a strap on. I think, I agree. I think this is. a strap on umbrella. I'm just sending it there. And I don't have any more. So,

good. Unless you want me to go read more Rihanna comments. No, thanks. Okay. I have some M&M comments. Oh my God. No. Okay. This is also from Sam. It's the nine foot Bliss Sun outdoor patio umbrella. I mean, this thing has 37,754 reviews on Amazon. Holy. It's Amazon Choice, 6,000 bought in the last month. Okay. What the hell? This is like the It umbrella. It's $42.99. It arrives in two days.

And wouldn't you know it? It is terrible. A headache. Okay, here is a one-star review in the color tan, verified purchase by Tobias. The first umbrella I bought came without the bottom pole, just the top half. I processed a return for a placement. And the second umbrella I was sent came with the bottom pole, but did not have the metal snap to bind the top and bottom holes together. I tried to use it as is.

but a slight breeze blew the umbrella out of the bottom pole and damaged my fence. I cannot keep making trips to the UPS store to return this product, so I'm just going to cut my losses. I really thought I was going to say, like, I'm just going to cut my umbrella into pieces. I'm unsure how it's possible I received two incomplete defective products in a row. Probably someone else returned it. Yeah, yeah, they got it. I feel like that happens.

That does happen. That is a common thing, I think. I do not recommend purchasing this at all. Okay. Now, that's just like a teaser as to what becomes the serious problem here. Consider me teased. Okay, this is the last review I have here. This is also of the Bliss Sun Nine Foot Umbrella,

and Lynn left a review of the Cirulian umbrella with the title, If It Is Damaged, Be Prepared for Problems Returning. We bought two of these. One worked fine. The second one cranked up part of the way and then stuck. It wouldn't go up or down. I called Amazon customer service twice because they said, We had to return it to get it replaced.

I explained this is a nine-foot umbrella that will not go down. They finally said they would have UPS pick it up and that UPS could not reject picking it up, even though the umbrella was almost fully open. I called Amazon customer a second time and explained the situation again and was told the same thing. It was a struggle getting it out of our backyard and getting it to the front of the house.

We told them it didn't fit on our front porch, but they said just leave it in the yard. Well, UPS came and they would not pick it up, which was my concern. We finally got it down enough to get it into our car and take it to a UPS. Then I had to pay $16 for a box for them to get it into in order to return it.

I wish I had just waited and got a Home Depot to get umbrellas. At least customer service in a storefront is available to take care of the situation. I wasted about five hours on this product and the roof view. Man, I... There's a picture of it in the front yard. It looks like a tent. It does look like a tent.

How the hell would you get that? I imagine UPS is like, you wait all day for UPS show and they're like, what do you want me to do? And it's like, I knew this was a bad idea. At that point, take a fucking hammer to it and flatten it as much as you can. I don't know what else you would do. I would literally just like, fucking smash it and be like, here you go. Yeah, because what the hell? But I guess that's what happens when you spend like 40 bucks on a patio umbrella from Amazon. Two-day shipping. Just ridiculous. Yeah, go to a fucking store and get something.

Stuff like that. I don't, I don't get it. I don't know. Wow. We did. We did it. We did umbrellas. We did umbrellas. That was, yeah, what a weird one. That was a weird one. In a good way. We had a lot of different kinds, too.

And now it's your challenge, which I think has to do with portions, if I'm not mistaken. Reviews complaining about large portions. Sounds like something our mom would do. She's complained about, she's like, oh, the portions that Americans have. hates this stuff. And yet she doesn't. Lee, they, them, sent this. It's of a boba spot in Washington state.

Too much boba. I've had too much boba. Impossible. I don't know. I played tennis in 100 plus degrees at computer camp. Yeah, we heard. I love their taro smoothie with boba, but I feel like this place is a bit stingy. Their menu has it, so there is only taro smooth with pudding.

I tell them every time I don't want pudding, but I guess they don't put it in the computer. So one time they put the pudding, and I tell them I ordered without pudding, and she literally scooped out the pudding instead of making me a new one. It was still a yellow pudding in it. Another time I told them to split one smoothie into two small ones. Okay, well, it sounds like you're asking them to do a lot of things, but whatever. Yeah, I'm confused already. Another time I told them to split one smoothie into two small ones,

and one of the small ones, I don't want boba pearls. Again, they didn't put it in the computer, and the guy just made one with boba. I told them that's not what I ordered. She, again, tried to divide the big one in two by scooping, so one had too much boba. The other one had a little boba. Another time I ordered two, and they forgot the boba, and I told them, and one girl told me to pay $2 extra.

I told her why it's the same price with it without boba. She's like, okay, it's fine. Again, their smoothies are so good, but you have to watch them because they always screw up orders. And when they do, they don't redo it. They just try to fix what they already made. That sounds really annoying. Too much boba? Too little boba.

I mean, here's what I'll say. If you don't want something in your drink, boba and pudding are the two things, I would say, a boba shop should be, like, pretty aware. Not to accidentally give pudding to people who don't want pudding. And then I say I didn't order pudding, they scoop it out and leave the remnants. That's insane. That's worse. That's ridiculous. Like a smear of pudding is significantly worse.

A smear of pudding. Or like a couple surprise bobas. Oh, if you don't want it. It's going right down that gullet. A fish egg. Ears are a review sent him by Chelsea. You know I'm sad that I can't eat caviar anymore. Why would you say that?

I miss it so much. She cries about it every night. I have a bone spoon that I caress. And it has nothing to do anymore. The bone spoon has nothing to do with the caviar. I just can't, now that I'm vegan, I can't put it in my mouth. Like I used to suck on it. So in our family, instead of a silver spoon, you actually get a bone.

When you're born, yeah. Yeah, it's sort of like. Carved from your ancestors' bones. Yeah, it's really cool. Mine was what, Uncle Manfred? It was his. I don't know. I don't remember what part of him.

Thibode. Oh, it's thigh bone. That's why I got these thick thighs. Lucky. This is from Chelsea. It's from Cruise Critic. Ever heard of it? Uh-huh.

This was posted by WDW-1972, which I can only say means Walt Disney World, 19702 because this woman's name is Sue. It's not like her initials, right? Oh, I see. I was like, is that a common Disney name? Typical Sue. Yes.

No, it is. WDW. If it were like World War II, no, that doesn't make sense. Neverbite. What? Walt Disney War. Whoa.

Uh-oh. That's called late-stage capitalism. I'm right, right. You're so right. Watch out Universal. Watch out, Sue. This is from Sue posted February, 2023. It was in response to an original post by Bandit's Wife.

Got to love that. Talking about food waste, I wish there was a way to order a senior portion. Oh, do what? Excuse me. I was not talking about food waste. First of all, I also wasn't talking about food waste as far as I remember. Okay, but that's what we're quoting here. Anyway, what about food waste? I missed it because I was too focused on whether or not I talked about food waste.

What about it? Talking about it. Talking about food waste. I wish there was a way to order a senior portion. I've asked for a child's portion on board and told they don't do that. Okay. This is about, by the way. Portions on a cruise ship. Yeah, but this is about women talking about how little they eat. Oh, these little baby birds. Skinny legends. Skinny legend.

Okay, so that's what Bandit's wife said. World War Disney said, Cana Leto will do that? I usually order a half portion of an appetizer and then an appetizer portion of an entree. Desert I take as is. Although if I'm getting the gelato, I'll probably specify the one or two I like best

rather than having three small portions. Many years ago, I asked in Pinnacle if it was possible to get a small, portion of the filet mignon. What? And was told no. That's ridiculous. Can you imagine saying, I want a child-sized filet mignon?

That's not any. Too far. Everything else, I'm like, okay, I get it. Like, if you don't want to eat that much and, like, you're not going to save it. Flaminia. Ask for, like, a thing. But if you're eating filet mignon, don't ask for a child's smaller portion. And then the response, the, the, the assumption is, I assume the pieces of meat are all pre-cut at that point.

What do you? We think they're going to slaughter the cow for you on the boat? Maybe. I dislike wasting food and hate feeling stuffed even more. So if the portion's too big, it's gone to waste. Sue slash WD40, 1972. I don't think the name was WD40. It feels close enough.

But that is right to me. So then I found this really disturbing conversation on Cruise Critic called, it's an entire part of the website called Lose Before You Cruise. Now, I don't want to get into the weeds here, but I will say that in 2005, there were some, pretty problematic takes coming through the blues before you cruise for them. Wow. No.

Yeah, I know. It's hard to believe. But what I found to be the least distressing thread of that genre, which is also just wild in its own right and also passes the challenge. Todd, who, by the way, has this picture and it says appear rare. Oh, my God. It gets like a little flare. A little rare badge. Yeah.

And it says rare, which doesn't seem right because it also says he's written 4.5K. those. Which is a rare thing to do maybe. You know what? That's really good. It's powerful. October 25th, 2012, Todd says, first off, this thread is intended for those of us who just go on a cruise with the full expectation of gaining three to four pounds. Yes, I try to keep in shape and I will lose those within a month of returning home. Blah, blah, blah. So here's the question. Of course there is too much food on a cruise, but you don't have to eat at all. Cool. So how do you eat? I'm learning so much, Tom. Todd. I didn't even learn his fucking name. You are such a prick.

What are your eating patterns on a cruise? I love to eat. I really do. But I am simply not hungry enough for a big breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe some of you are? No wonder he's rare. So, I'm like... Eating that guy at like 8 a.m. on the gondola,

speaking about, doesn't be world where it's like, oh, where are you folks from? And it's like, it's 8 a.m. We're just trying to, like, survive, you know. More like, how do you feel about the portions here? Oh, my God. I love to eat. I love to eat, so. What about you?

Oh, my God. Okay, then he read, I'm not going to read it. He wrote his whole, on a port day for breakfast. I usually eat one. Wow. I mean, really. Granola, it was a very in-depth. Five different nachos responded.

That sounds like my energy. I don't know what they're going to say. Five different notches is extremely good. That's better. It's extremely good. And like, I just adore it. Like, no notes. In my daily life, I don't ever have time to really sit down and eat a meal.

It's always a snack on the go. It gets really hard for me to transition toward a full sit-down meal during a vacation because everyone else likes to sit down and take their time. I usually inhale my food and get all fidgety and end up making an excuse to eat. Rumors have gotten started that I have irritable bowel syndrome. Same. I don't think those are rumors. The amount of rumors I've started about.

My own? other people's irritable vowels. Yeah. And projecting, you see. Yes, I see. It also doesn't help that I usually stop by whatever is on the way to the room after an activity on the boat and pick up a little something to munch on. On the upside, this usually means I'm snacking four to six times a day. Yay, metabolism.

Yay. On the carnival magic, I really wish they'd relocate that Tandor kitchen that serves up some decent Indian food. It's all the way in the back of the boat. Ain't convenient for nobody. Sounds good, though. Does. Uh, so then this. This bookish angel responded.

I am not a big fan of cruise food, so I pretty much eat what I eat at home, mostly fruit, veggies, white meat, chicken, nuts, oatmeal, well-cooked eggs, and lots of water. When I'm feeling naughty, I'll eat a strawberry or two. Just kidding. Oh, my God. I was about to get upset. We all know this person, right, guys? I don't like 99% of desserts. I just like wine.

I just like most alcoholic drinks, except. margarita, so I have a very low sugar intake. I don't like beef or seafood, so neither ever tempt me. My weaknesses are cheese, taffy cookies, and Mexican food. But I don't worry about the occasional dietary lapse as my weight to high proportion is just fine. My proportions are perfect. I measure them every morning. My proportions are perfect because my portions are perfect. Now that is a tongue twister. I power walk almost every day. I'm sure you feel. I'm sure you fucking do with that fucking umbrella. All the way to Tandor in the back of the boat.

Totally true with that fucking strap on. She's got her strap on. The harness strap on. My weight type proportion is just fine. I power walk almost every day, swim a bit, and never take an elevator. I don't believe that. I don't either. And I also don't believe that you don't like 99% of desserts that you, well, maybe I do believe

because why else? What even is this? Like, does, is this relevant? Like, there's so much detail about this person that I don't care about. But is someone curious about this? This is the only response number seven and everybody else has just posted, like, how they like to enjoy a cruise and the food that they, and this person said, speaking of cruise food, here's what I do. All of the food that I eat.

And these are my opinions. Everyone's probably like, oh, no, I know you, Bukhish Angel power walking around the fucking. You know, I didn't really think how obnoxious these portion people would be, but I guess it makes sense. I don't know. You did mention mom pretty early on. You did say, that sounds like saying she'd complain about. And it's true. It feels like something people complain about for like no good reason, really.

Because it's like a food waste. I understand food waste. But like that's not typically what's happening in any of these scenarios. Like I don't think cutting a filet mignon down for you is going to like eliminate food waste. I was. I went to a place in Texas. It was like for breakfast. They had the amazing vegan options.

They had this vegan biscuits and gravy. That, talk about portions. That was fucking insane. And like, what's so wrong with that? Nothing. Except that I couldn't eat most of it, no matter how tasty it. I can understand on a cruise too because you're like, oh, I don't, like, then I feel pressured to eat more and you probably will likely eat more that you probably don't want to bring it back to your room.

Like, I can understand that context. Or if you're eating the same thing over and over again. But yeah, that, I'm like, just take it home with you. Well, yeah, but I don't want to heat it up later. I'm not going to eat it. Like, it was so soggy. So you're saying it's like it can be a downside. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, okay, I understand. Yeah. Yeah, like, I get it. I get why people complain about large portions. I've complained about it because I'm like. Well, because you power walk everywhere every day. It's a ridiculous amount. And like, look, I wanted one strawberry not two.

And your proportions are totally fucked. My proportions. Yeah. This response says, this is the last one for two weeks. And by the way, I need you to see that, like, on cruise critic, they literally write two weeks later. I'm so glad. So host nine is here.

DH, dear husband, DH loves to eat on cruises and usually gains a pound per day. I eat as I would at home, no excesses. Always reminding myself, a second on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Eek! That is the exact. I put all my gusto into that one. It hurt.

Yeah. It hurt me a lot. It was meant to tear. But it also, that is the right person to say eke and the right sentence for someone to say eke. It's the most appropriate eke I've found on this damn website. What a sentence. I don't know if I've heard that. What, a second on a lip-let?

I'm serious. I mean, I probably have, but I don't forget. I forgot about it. Oh, I haven't. That's terrible. Here's two weeks later. Okay, so nobody responded. Awkward.

Two weeks later, Keith chimes in. And he says, eat lots of you. Okay. It literally feels like someone's holding a gun to Keith's head. I'm telling you this. Eat lots of healthy items that we also enjoy very much. Who's we? Look.

D.W. DW. Oh, I see DW. And sign Keith. And also 119.2,000 comments. No wonder, because he just writes. And doesn't even have the rare symbol. That's fucked up.

But he does have his cool boat symbol. He's been on this since 2000. That's crazy. Like, what an OG member. And this 119,000, this is crazy. Sorry, I'm like in shock. That's so many. Five different nachos has 66.

See, my kind of person. I know. Also with IBS, you know, the whole nine yards really fits. Absolutely, yeah. I just love the idea that, like, I love my wife and I eat some good healthy food and we love it. Yeah, Keith is. No wonder Keith has $120,000. It's like just throwing shit at the wall.

Yeah, trying to prove something. I love it. Now, Uncle Boo is the last response here. Actually, now, this one was another two weeks later. I did not include the screen cap. But this is the last post I have for you. It's number 17. Closing the thread out.

Uncle Boo, March 9, 2013. In all capital letters. I eat with a knife and a fork. I fund that works at well for most of us. Of those, end of thread, end of episode. Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow. And you can even see that they did shift I and made it lowercase.

Oh. And then accidentally, like the good old days. But the second I is capitalized. Great, because they were in caps lock. They didn't realize it. They did shift I to make it lowercase. Yes. And then the second eye, though, they left uppercase.

They have issues with capitalization. That's fine. Uncle Boo seems the type. And that's a great finale with Uncle Boo. I'm glad. It's time to get out of here. We started with Rain Man. Oh, no, yeah.

The Rain Man. It's confusing. It's confusing. I think we have to say the Rain Man. The Rain Man. Otherwise, Rain Man doesn't really make sense. No, you're right. The Rain Man is creepier anyway.

It sounds like the Hat Man. Yes. And they seem to have similar vibes. But two people I want to avoid. The Rain Man and the Hat Man. They do feel like they might be cousins. And the hatman clearly has an umbrella hat on, at least when dealing with the rain man. Is that way?

People always point and laugh at him. I don't think they do that because they can't move. They're in bed, just staring, terrified. That's how he gets his revenge. Yeah, and then it starts to drizzle inside. It's like that horror movie, the one with the summer camp. Oh, where the hat man is there with his strap on. And he takes his strap on out.

Yep. Because it starts to drizzle. Called Cumbercamp. What? Comeer camp. Oh, boy, everyone. This is a bummer camp. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. Bye. Beach 2 Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Cheaper. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borges Wendell of VW Sound.

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