Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 388: Reviews of Home Goods with Zachariah Porter and Jonathan Carson

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hi everyone and welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I am your sister host, Christine. I'm your brother host Zambi. We are so excited today. We have two very special guests. We've got Zachariah Porter and Jonathan Carson here with us.

You may recognize them from TikTok as I did. And I went, oh, there they are. I know you. They're here today to join us to discuss one-star reviews. Of course, their wonderful content creators, very hilarious. They also co-host a podcast called Camp Counselors, which is also super, super fun. And because we have the two of you here today, we had a few options floating around, but we landed on doing home goods reviews today.

Have you heard of it? Have you ever heard of that store? I'm so thrilled beyond. I'm like, like, let's get our hands dirty with this one. Oh, they're going to get dirty in like a lot of ways. Yeah, don't worry. I'm sure. Yeah.

Did I miss anything? You guys are a power couple. I don't know. What other labels do you have that you want to throw out there? He's a junior saxophone. player he just started and he's been trying to like he's really nervous to kind of bring it up. That's so cool. He got me a saxophone for Christmas.

I haven't picked it up since. It was the first time I picked up a saxophone. And you're already a junior player. I don't know what that is. What a gift. What's that? Self appointed. Self appointed. Oh, congratulations.

That's awesome. We didn't know about your skills. I'm excited for it because listen, when he is at home goods, I'm right there with him. I thought we were going to do a camp thing, but I'm, So happy that it's going to be home goods. Because I'm like, I don't know what else I can say about a camp. No, that's exactly what we said. We were like, yeah, he's probably there filming.

He's probably right there experiencing it. Yes, exactly. We've got some other people's experiences here. I'm going to start if that's okay. This is a review of a home goods in Northrow, Massachusetts. Oh, yeah. Are you from Mass? We are live and in living color right now in Massachusetts.

Fascinating. I totally didn't know that. So thrilled to have a local. a local shout out. So thanks for that. This is getting a little too close to home now. No, I like to be creepy with it. You might know Lori or whoever wrote this one.

It's actually Lexi. Lexi wrote this one-star review. Why are the cashier ladies all so rude here? What is in the water? End of review. And I was going to ask you, what is in the water out there? Is that your experience with them too? We're just like dipping our toe in.

What's the vibe? Yeah, there is a palpable, angry energy. in Massachusetts, and I think Lexi knows that, and I think she was probably being combative. I do find the retail workers at Home Goods to be very hit or miss in terms of energy and personality. So I could see that being true, but also there's two sides to every story.

So let's get her on the pot. She's actually here with us right now. Yeah, I'm all fine, five. Well, I lived in Boston for a while, and I can also attest that, yes, I was alarmed for as no, we're from Ohio originally. And I was a little bit alarmed at the kind of like, just flat out aggression I faced a lot of the time.

I would go to the doctor and be like, why is everyone yelling at me? Like, I'm at the doctor. We're people pleasers. We think if people aren't smiling at us, they hate us. So therefore, I think everyone in Boston hates us. So I try to avoid it. It's one of the places where it might actually be true.

But yeah. So Home Goods in Boston. You really nailed it with that first one, Sandy. No, I just. Yeah, I use it. Or not Boston. Where was it? Somewhere in Massachusetts.

It's North Borough. Thank you. It's in probably North Borough of Boston. It probably sounds right. Well, I have actually a one-star of you here. This was sent in by Caitlin, and it's a review of Home Goods. I actually don't know where it is. So let's pretend it's in North-Southboro of Massachusetts.

Beautiful this area. Yeah. That's what I've heard. I went into the store today to look for a few items. A girl greeted me at the entrance. It's clear they're taking COVID precautions seriously, and I appreciated this. I wandered the aisles and found some items I was interested in. However, as I was nearing the front of the store to purchase these items, I overheard a manager say her team didn't know the store that well.

It was as if they were on a hunt to find an item in the store. As I started to head toward the front checkout with a glass vase and a beautiful floral arrangement, the entire staff came running up to the front of the store, trying to beat one another to something. I was almost knocked over by the stampede of girls running up front. I understand team-building activities can help. but this should not be done in the store

while customers are around. I'm like, is there a bomb threat? Like, why? I thought it was my first thought was a scavenger hunt. I was thinking the same thing. What if it's like a Ray Dunn like drop? Oh, wait.

Don't people, you know, the Ray done with like the words that say eat, pray, whatever? Don't people like stampede for those? People were lining up. I remember all those videos happening. I'm going to be honest, not my style. You don't need to. like see what you're supposed to do with the item before you do it.

Mm. Butter. That's the stampede for sure. The new butter dish just dropped. There were six different employees running toward the front, all yelling and screaming while not paying attention to customers at all. I realize it may have been a slow day, but I do not feel like being plowed into by someone who's just goofing around.

I set my items down and I left. I don't want to stand at the counter and wait for someone to notice I want to purchase something since they're goofing off clearly takes priority than the physical safety of their own customers. She. It can be a dangerous place. Can it though? Is that real?

Like, it sounds like it. I mean, I've been to one, but only a couple times. Also, I've never seen a home goods employee ever do faster than speedwalk. Oh. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. Let alone six of them, let alone six.

At the entire store. And also, like, a slow day does not necessarily, in my mind, equal. to like a relay race at the store, but I guess maybe. I mean, they got to keep busy somehow. I guess. I don't know. If I was at home goods every day, I feel like you got to do something to kind of spice it up each day. Yeah, Zachariah, someone who goes to home goods every day, what do you do, what do you do to kind of keep the spice alive, you know?

I typically try to corral the employees to do my versions of scavenger hunts throughout that. That's probably actually way better. You know what, though? It probably was a slow day, and there probably was this really ambitious, incredible manager. who was like, let's team builds during the heat of COVID. And this is the kind of shit they get. And that's tough on them, you know? I feel bad.

And I feel like that lady, maybe maybe she was frail. Maybe she had weak bones. Maybe they shoved her. Oh, she had those glass bones. She fell over. Yeah. Oh, with her vase. Maybe she just felt like down.

Oh, it's so delicate. Yeah, that's true. She could have just wanted to be a part of it. She wanted that butter dish for herself. Yeah. Oh. Maya is weirdly similar. It has nothing to with running.

But yeah, the employees need to entertain. themselves somehow. And here's one in Newton Upper Falls. What's that? I have no fucking idea. It probably is. I swear mine aren't all from Massachusetts. They all sound like it.

Oh yeah, Newton, Massachusetts. Classic. Yeah, classic. You know. Well, TJX is like headquartered in Massachusetts. Oh, okay. That does explain. So that's kind of why there's a lot of them around you.

And that's why the dunk of thing is in your circle. I'm getting it now. It's sort of like they orbit your whole thing. Okay. It is exactly. what you know. Like, do what you know. Do what you know. Yeah. Do what you love. Don't reinvent the wheel here. Yeah. And we're from Ohio. There's not much to do. So we just read the one star reviews. We don't go places.

Since then, wait, what's the chili? That's the one. So, yeah, that's the big one. Yeah, we've done some one star reviews of that. It's a little, it's a little too close to home. Yeah. I drove by one today. And what I had forgotten is for St. Patrick's Day, what they do is they die their spaghetti green because it's chilly on spaghetti. Yeah. It's shoveling. know and then cheese on top, but they dye it green for St. Patrick's Day, just the spaghetti. It is horrific. I've forgotten that too.

Okay, so obviously you stopped. You went to the drive through. Obviously, we had some door to your house too, so we could all eat it on air together. Thank you. Somehow, Jonathan's like really into it, I think. Yeah, I don't know how to feel about that. I was into, I don't even eat meat, but when we went to Skyline Chili, I just got the vegetarian version. And I was trying to act like I wasn't enjoying myself as much as I was.

It was a delight. You know, he's vegan. I don't eat meat. But Gold Star makes a mean veggie one. Yeah. The green, though, is a little too far from my. The green, uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Yeah, the green's a little too spooky for me. God forbid they're whimsical. Yeah. But they're like big tubs of chili on vat, like vats that like... And they're lukewarm. They never get warmer than a certain temperature. Wimsy. That's true.

They need it. He's whimsical. Especially when you're cooking, like, beef products for customers. It's all about the wimsy. Beef and wimsy. They go together naturally. Yeah. Classic. So here's

Home Goods in Newton. And it's a one-star review. I unfortunately have to say that the customer service provided by Deborah was horrible. She stocks items on the shelves and kitchen area and is very, very, very rude and makes you feel as if you're bothering her if you ask a question.

Will not help you look for an item. We'll bark at you where it would be if they had it. And I've also personally seen her lie to a customer saying they did not have a specific item, waited for that customer to leave, then went out back and brought the item the customer was looking for and placed it on the shelves. Listen, sometimes you got to get that power kick however you can, you know. It's not even over yet.

Debbie! Lastly, I go in almost every day because I collect a certain pottery. Oh, God, so Debbie's like, not this bitch again. She comes in every day. This reviewer's one of them. It's got to be Ray Don. It's got to be. I wonder what kind of pottery it is.

If she sees me, she will absolutely not bring the pottery out that I collect. I have seen with my own eyes on three different occasions that she holds the pottery in the back until her shift is ending, and then she puts it on the shelves as she is leaving. I do not understand why this woman cares what any of us are shopping for because we are spending our hard-earned in that store. Again, this woman is one of the rudest, most miserable women I have ever met working retail. She should not be allowed to work with the public. Her manager has seen her firsthand chastising a customer and did nothing. He has also lied to myself and another woman who collects the same pottery as I do. He told both of us that the store is no longer going to carry

the pottery we collect. Shame on TGX Corporation for allowing this woman to continue to make customers travel to a different home goods because of her unpleasant, rude, hostile, miserable, angry attitude. End of review. Wow. I love Debbie. Debbie's a girl boss. She's running a racket, you know?

She's wreaking havoc under that fluorescent. I just want to know how this person knew that she was waiting until she left to bring this stuff out. Because that sounds like a lie. Like staking it out. It feels like she knows a lot about Debbie's movements. at all times, you know? And what's that about?

Like, how are you knowing what she's doing in the back? You're not allowed back there. And she mentioned someone else who goes for Potter the same thing. So they might tag team watching Debbie. Like if the one's looking for pottery, the others keeps an eye on Debbie to make sure she's doing everything by the book. And it seems like she never is. Covert mission. Yeah, Debbie really is just like, you know, she's just getting off on this power trip.

As she should. That she should. Yeah. It's got to be tough, though, for those people that work and that. environment to be like harassed by these collectors like I'm in there every single day girl girl so are the employees they don't want to be you know like go like there's an obligation specifically to you for coming in that often like yeah anything it's like chill out you don't get points for that how stressful does it have to be to like stock one of those stores because i don't i don't know

if there's you know any organization to it if there's a training behind it but it's just kind of everywhere they do like a relay race and everyone runs through this You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. They make it super simple. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions, and you'll get a quick quote with coverage options tailored to your choices. Plus, you'll see which discounts you may qualify for, like the online quote discount or savings for paying in full.

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I tend to get overwhelmed very easily. And what that means is usually things start to kind of go by the wayside. and unfortunately one of those things is finances. Well, it's just hard and complicated and stressful. And like, why would you want to look at that when you're already those things? Yes, exactly. That's where Rocket Money comes in. We are so happy that they continue to be a sponsor of our show.

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RocketMoney.com slash beach. This one was from Larissa, she, her, and this is a two-star review by Angela of a home goods. You have a better chance of spotting Bigfoot before you find an associate at Home Goods to assist you. When I spotted one, the young man was very rude. Very disappointed because I enjoyed shopping here, never again. And I don't really remember why I brought this one.

But I will say, there have been a lot of Bigfoot. sightings of in Cleveland this week. We had a weird amount in Ohio. I'm wondering if I don't know why I was, maybe I was, um. Had big foot, big foot on the mile. We were there really big foot sightings. Like five, right? I am so intrigued, but not to derail it with like, I believe.

No, I really do believe. And like, did you guys hear about the meteor yesterday? My therapist texted me and said, I just saw flaming meteor on my way to work and I thought of you. And I went, that feels like a couple. Thank you. Sure. I was definitely thinking that.

I was. like it was. I felt honored and I said, wow, you're right. That feels like really cosmic, you know, literally. And then I googled it and apparently it landed in Cleveland and I went with my one red string. I was like, wait. It's Cleveland gone? Fingers crossed. Demolished Cleveland. And I had one string and I went from Bigfoot sightings to the comet that just landed there. And I was like, something's happening in Cleveland. Is anyone taking pictures of the Bigfoot? Because I haven't seen that or heard that. That's a really good question. I saw the Also, I mean, this is where I'm just, as we hate AI, but this is an even bigger reason to hate AI. Because if I ever see a picture, like a real picture of the real big foot, I'm not going to believe it.

It's all out the window. Nothing is real anymore. Like, how are we supposed to know? There's no baseline. Yikes. And you're not going to find anybody at home goods either. It just doesn't matter. And it's time.

We just accept the facts. We live in a dark time. Walk in, figure it out yourself. When I was there last, I was a. victim of the sugar-free peach bellini gummy berries. I saw your TikTok. I for sure did.

Yeah. And it ruined my stomach for days, days of full cleanse that I did not say it for. It's still in effect. Oh, no. The thing is, I've never looked tighter and skinnier. So shout out to TJX for that. Listen, a win's a win.

The thing is about home goods in general is that you never know what you're going to get with customer service or your purchases. Or at the checkout aisle when you buy edible food, in the checkout aisle. Those Albanyes, whatever, gum, Albany,

whatever, those gummy, yeah, yeah, I mean, probably similar to the peach believe. He loves those, those scare me. Yeah, I'm a really, I'm actually,

so I'm a big gummy guy. Okay. I know if you heard. I've heard, I've heard about this, yeah. In the Albanese of it all, those are actually very good. I'm very into those.

I'm with Jonathan. I'm scared. Will you buy food there? We'll either of you buy food there? I would. If it's, if it says vegan, absolutely.

Like that to me is like, okay. I have like zero bar for an, thing. Like Skyline, I know I went, made a face about the green chili. If someone gave me five bucks, I'd probably eat that, you know. If I were vegan, if we're not vegan, I would eat it for free probably. It's not a matter of class or taste. No. Yeah. It's an ethical reason. I don't eat Skyline chili. Honestly, that does make the most sense. Ohio's catching strays. Oh, wait. It always does. There's nothing stray about,

we're shooting straight at it. Yeah, we're aiming at it. We're from it. My turn No, let's just go on the record We love the big O We do We love CINCity We do They call it

They call it that for a reason Yeah, we're trying to get Sin City going But nobody's really Picking up on that So I'm picking up on it Thank you

Yeah We're technically in northern Kentucky It's like I moved back to Cincinnati And then I was like Well I'll just like live like Outside of it A little out across the river

Like just like look at it Like five minute drive Yeah But Close and nice enough, but in Kentucky, which not any better if you ask me. I'm like, oh, yeah, I live in Kentucky. Like, it's a little more exciting than Ohio.

Sure. Yeah. They've also got something called a dark brown. Have you heard about that? Yeah, it's horrible. What is that? Something brown and wet brown. Oh, stop.

Okay. I think you're, I think it can't be that. Is this food? Yes, and it's a Kentucky brown. Look it up. Kentucky brown. It's real gnarly. It's not for me.

Hot brown. A hot brown, not a wet brown. Oh, it's from Louisville. Jesus Christ. A wet brown? That's what it is. It's not wet. Wait, we can't keep saying it.

What is it? I'm scared. It's thick sliced turkey and bacon on toast, smothered in a creamy Mornay cheese sauce and broiled until bubbly. It's basically an open-faced sandwich with-covered in, like, holland-a-chaise sauce. Turkey, bacon, tomato. And it's wet. The whole thing is. wet. I'm telling you. I know that's not in the name, but it's part of the accurate description.

Hot brown, please. I'll get a wet, extra wet, extra wet, hot brown. Make it wet. I have a review of a home goods in Glendale, California. Oh, we used to live there. Oh, I've been to that one. We have been to that one. Yeah, we lived in Glendidavis. We spent a lot of times at the time at that home goods in particular because we were furnishing our first ever apartment. We were living together. Yeah, it was very special times. It was good times. Well, here's a two-star review of the home goods there. Okay. This place is a wreck. It seems like Hobby Lobby just vomited all the random knickknacks into the store without any organization. Gross atmosphere. End of review.

Gross atmosphere. Yeah, that feels a little too much. That's a little harsh because like Glendale, California is very light. It's like L.A. light. It's like, it's like. It's not L.A.ish to me at all. I mean, it's near there. You think it's, but, but, you know, it wasn't one star. It was two stars and so you gotta keep that. That's important context.

You're right, you're right. That's a classy move. I don't go to home goods for like little chachis and stuff like that. A hobby lobby vomiting. What's the crossover there? Because it would be like picture frames. Oh my God, my mind, it went to picture frame as well. Because like, that's all I could think of.

That's the only thing. You're right, because Hobby Lobby is a very specific. And then like Christ-centered Christmas cards. Oh, yeah. Okay, this is my last one before. I have a fun little game for us. We love games. We love games on this show.

No, we love. Good. So this is the last one I have. One-star review, also sent in by Larissa, and it's of a home goods. I'm not sure of the location. Bad manager here. Slat me in the face and she went to jail. End of review.

Well, didn't Larissa explain? at all. That leaves a lot to the imagination. I know and that's the most frustrating part about doing this podcast is we're always left in a lurch. Like we're left without the full story. For better, for worse. It's usually probably for better. And even the

ones we don't bring, it's just like, oh, this was the worst experience ever. Like, I will never recover from this. Like, I'm in the hospital. My therapy is really big deal. End of review. And it's like my kids. Like, what do you want me to do with this? Yeah. Give us something.

I'm trying to make money off of this. I'm trying to make a living on. Come on, create some contact. Keep that in mind when you guys are leaving reviews out there. Especially from the hospital. Like, what else do you have going on? We care in the sense that we want to just tell people about it. We don't actually care.

But the best is when there's an owner response and then they're like, here's what really happened. And you're like, oh, shit, you know. Those are good. But home goods have. There's two sides every story. Yeah, I've never. That's what you said.

And it's so true. And I've never seen a home goods response. Me neither. I bet it's like just policy. They're like, we just don't engage. Which I think more companies need that policy. They're busy running around the inside of the store. Yeah, they're right.

That's at the bottom of the to-do list, yeah. So I was in Massachusetts looking at reviews. I was in Glendale. And then I thought, let's go to Montana. Sure. So I actually found my favorite home goods, I think, in the world. And it's in Billings, Montana. And it's just based on these reviews because these people have, it's like they've never,

well, it's literally, like a fairly new. experience for them to have a home goods in their city. And Billings is pretty small. So it was actually really fun to read these reviews that people had because it's so different than what you'd get in Glendale. Anyway, first of all, multiple people said in the reviews that it's their favorite place in town, that their favorite place in Billings, Montana is their home goods. And I love that.

Like, that is so fun to me. I mean, listen. Lindsay. I get it. Yeah. Lindsay. It's one of my favorite place. It's in you or it's not.

Clearly, we can't take you. Yeah, I'm not a judge and I love it. Okay, here we go. Three stars. It's okay. We already have two different types of these stores. Did find curtains in the other store. I am 74 and my house has all it needs.

Wow, she really did it. She's like, baby my home is good, so don't worry about that. He's like, what's the big deal? My home is fucking 100%. Looking around, couldn't be fixed. Couldn't be upgraded. I love that for her, though. Because, like, you go to home goods and it's like the potential, right?

It's like all these things I could really like. Yeah, you look to get inspired. Yeah. And she's like, I'm actually, I've peaked, you know? Yeah. Yeah. She's like, I'm actually not getting rid of my bed skirt. I'm going to keep it on there.

Because one day it'll come back around in style. She's a three-star review of the same one. Too much. brain overload. End of review. Wow, they really are getting some... It felt like this place is just the wildest place to exist

in Billings. Like, it was so funny to read these reviews. It came down like 2001 of Space Odyssey and they were all like, what is that? Oh my gosh. I understand that though, because Home Goods, it's a lot, it can be... It's overwhelming.

Don't make your issue with processing the situation. Worth of view. Too much to look at. Three stars. Like, I'll hit you. Go and look at it. Of course. I mean, Jesus.

You should work at home goods. You should become manager. That's what they do there. Oh, I get it. I get what. And then you're going to hide the butter dish in the back. I know. I know you.

Here's another. Five stars. We drove 220 miles to shop at home goods. 200. And I saw someone else was like, yeah, I used to, on my way to, I forget where, on my way to blah, blah, la. I would stop at the Wyoming home goods. And I'm like, they have two escalators in Wyoming and one home goods maybe. Oh yeah.

Did you guys know that? There are two escalators in the state of Wyoming. I did not. Like in a lot. I think they're both in banks. One's definitely in a bank. Can you imagine they were at home goods? I think home goods should have one.

You're right. They should have the third. They should have one just to exit the building because like people are just so overstimulated. Yeah. I just wait, hold on. Is it just, is it two escalators like one up one down? No, it's two sets. Good question.

Very good question. question. Wait, that's so weird. Isn't that weird, though? Do we know why? It's just their buildings are tall enough for them. Like, there just aren't enough tall buildings. There's no need.

Make sense. Like, elevators exist for them, but like, let's keep it down here. Let's just keep a floor level. I think we could all take a note from that bar. Nobody needs to be going up there. Like, what's up there, you know? I'd like to see reviews of escalators in Wyoming and see if, like, people are like, brain overload.

Like, I can't, I don't know what to do. Because I'm not, like, I. Too fast. Help. Help. My first time on an escalator was terrifying. I was a child, but still, I couldn't get on it. Like, our dad had to run up the down escalator to get me at the airport.

To be fair, we were with our divorced father. You had never been on an escalator. He wasn't aware of this fact, and we just kind of left you there. I feel like there was a lot of context, though, that was, like, missing. You're like, whoa, hold on, guys. He's like, hey, nobody warned me out. Sounds like what would happen to someone in Wyoming if they've never seen her. And actually, you really have like an empathic understanding of what they're going through over there.

That's what they say about me. Yeah. I have one more. This is a four-star review. Warm and welcome. Accommodating and helpful. Restrooms are a pleasure to use. I don't know what that means.

What's the experience at the restrooms? Because you can't pretend you've never been in them. I've never been in a bathroom in there because I feel like I avoid those and Barnes & Noble. The Barnes & Noble is. No, but that's like a whole, yeah, that's like a whole. Yeah, that's like a hole. You know what's really fun about a home goods bathroom is that they use a lot of the stuff they sell. So you're going to get an artisanal stuff.

And you're going to see that the toilet wand isn't a stainless steel unit. And I'm not used to seeing that in an environment publicly, but since they sell it all. And I've even been to one before, this was a Marshall's, but still in the TGX universe, they had a fake tree in there. And they were clearly selling it at one point. But unfortunately, because of the experience and people are kind of on the go with, nice coffee. Like those bathrooms are really getting, they're, they're getting beat up, right? I'm sure of it. It's tough, but you are getting a little bit of an accoutrement that you're not going to really see in a typical restaurant. Sure, like a little sea salt, like vibe. Okay. I'm liking this now, but I have a question now,

if they're selling like a fake tree, can you buy the floor model like for cheaper? Because I feel like a bathroom tree has got to be at least like 70% off. Yeah, maybe. I would hope you're not selling the bathroom tree, but I think it's, so I worked at an olive garden ones and they would sell. you anything. There was ornamental plates on the way. I didn't know that. And they would sell you the plate off the wall. They're like, you like you like, you can have it. It's so weird. That is so weird. And then they go,

we're telling corporate it bro. And you're like, I actually really don't want to be any part of this. And like, I'm not going to see any benefit. Maybe you will, but this isn't fun for me. Wow. Now that's a good. We were not in all of garden family. So we didn't. We've definitely done reviews of Cracker Barrel, especially with the big drama of the low. The low.

go change and we were like, they should, why don't, they have all that random shit and they are like, antique farm machinery on the walls and stuff? But they don't sell that. And I'm like, you could sell that and probably make a good profit, you know. The price is right forever. That's right. Everything's for sale. If you really, uh, think about it. If you really try hard. Do you want these? Yeah, we're actually, we'll sell these. Really? I've been in the market for a 1920s tennis racket. It's so weird that you said that. We got two. Oh my gosh. It also looks like you could have gotten that off the wall of a cracker barrel. So I And maybe we did.

That's it. That's the kind of the vibe we're going. And no one will be the wiser. I feel very fortunate now that I have a therapist I really click with. But I went through several in the last few years that just didn't feel right. And it was a real pain because I didn't have a service like Rula. It's a sponsor of today's episode to help me find a new therapist. I just kind of had to wing it. And I'm thankful that Rula exists now for people who are just overwhelmed at the thought of finding a therapist.

because it is really overwhelming. It is. I have spent months slash years without a therapist only because of the prospect of finding a new one. It can be so difficult. And yes, agreed. We're very glad to have Rula here because they help with all of that. Other online therapy platforms might match you with the first available provider, whether or not they're the right fit.

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You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. So this is called Guess the Home Goods Decor. Oh. I'm going to put a blank in it, and I would like you, and Alexander doesn't know these either, But I would like you to kind of guess what the item is that's being discussed in the review. So here is the first one. My favorite find

is the blank with the revolving head a la Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Now this one is really out there and I don't imagine what maybe I should have done an ABCD. No, I kind of like this. It's got to be some sort of garden gnome. Interesting. Really? I'm thinking garden center.

At first I was thinking paper mache globe, But that's... Well, I was thinking head as like, like, just like the head piece of a tool. So my mind went to toilet cleaner. And the head of the head of the cleaner was revolving. Yeah. And I kind of live... That's my playground.

It's my sandbox. The bathroom is where I get to play. It's called a litter bug. He just splashes around. It is. It is my litter box. In our house, we actually have heated toilet water. That's how much you live is supply in it.

Oh, my God. You can't bring it up and then say no. Oh, my God, imagine. And a fake tree from Home Goods in there, too. My mind went to cookie jar, like a cookie jar head. Oh, you guys, it's actually a pelican. It was a statue of a pelican with a rotating head. We were all so close.

What the hell? Yeah, my favorite find is the Pelican statue with a revolving head. So that's the first one. Here's one. That's pretty timely, I suppose. I was in a shop when someone bought a blank. It was March 12th. I thought, what will she do with it on March 18th?

Does she have several of these? Why would you want a holiday-specific blank? It's insane to me. I'd rather take money out of an ATM and flush it directly down the toilet than have seasonal themed blanks. This is like St. Patrick's Day. This one was for St. Patrick's Day, but guess the product of like the themed. My mind went to paper towel hold.

Wow, that would be a good one. If that had a theme. Yeah, that's ridiculous for St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's State paper towel holder. No, no, because I feel like St. Patrick's Day is like a holiday where it's like really only about the day. I'm not really feeling a lead up personally. No, right? Like it's not Christmas.

And like now it's over and it's like, okay. Yeah, it happened. What's next, you know? Like a soap dispenser? Like a, that's what I was thinking maybe like a big, if it's like a big old thing of soap. Because you got to go through that. You got to wash your hands a long. Grubbing those cuticles.

So it was a welcome mat. Oh, that seems kind of normal, though. Which I feel like is not insane. But I guess like one day a year. But to buy it on the 12th, get rid of it on the 18th. It's like, well, that feels like what are you doing? How many people are coming over? I feel like the best six days of life.

We have a lady. We have a lady in our neighborhood and she does a lot of the seasonal flags. Okay. And they sell those there. And I do find. joy seeing, hey, where do we go today? You know what I mean? And her transitions are truly an art world.

Okay. You know? Yeah, when you come out one day and it's all of a sudden a flower, it's like, oh, my God, like it is. Because we'll do daffodil and then we'll kind of go to like, I don't even know, like, there's a, like a babbling brook one. So she really has a real deep understanding of transition. And I feel like she must have had a St. Patrick's day when I must have missed it

because she's flipping through them. She's like really like with the seasons, the ebb and flow. I'm loving that. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. This one, I guess I was going to try and find a blank in this, but I think it's more just a review.

And I'm just going to read it. They have to take their sweet-ass time looking at every single thing in this store as if it's a priceless Egyptian artifact. I can literally go through this entire home goods and come back to the area I needed to look at, and they are still friggin there. Now, these are people complaining about other customers.

Oh. And leaving a bad review for the... store. Because I'm sort of like, why are you, you're part, like, Alexander and I always say, like, if you're complaining about the traffic and you're in the traffic, like, you're part of the problem. You are the traffic. You are the traffic. It's like, you're at the store walking around and you're like these people. You are the home goods customer when you're in there. And they're just looking at stuff like their Egyptian artifacts. Well, you know what? What are you doing? Go home. Then leave. Get out of there. Yeah, it's a special place. Just take a picture of the strangers and

upload it to Facebook like everybody else. Yeah. Yeah. Leave the reviews out of it. This one's very easy, but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't need a blank telling me to eat off it. It's like it thinks it's smarter than me. End of review. Ray Dunn. It's, yeah, it's got to be a plate from Ray Don.

It's so funny. I was like, do I get rid of the eat? And you have to guess what you do. Stupid. What does this plate say? The people that, like, get mad about Ray Dunn, it's very funny because they get really sincerely, genuinely, very mad. It's like some people.

Very mad. Oh, I didn't know that there was like a whole group of people who hate it. Because I knew that there's like people who love. Well, I was on, I'm on Facebook Marketplace a lot. Shopping around on there. And I saw someone get rid of like a whole bunch of Ray Donne. Do you think someone died? Like their aunt Becky died or something.

I thought someone's front of love developed. And they said, wait, what am I doing? Oh, they finally healed. You're right. could have passed. So now I'm like estate sale immediately. I'm on an estate sale app. I don't use marketplace as much, but I have like an estate sale app and they sell some

weird shit on there. And sometimes you see a whole collection of something go up and you're like, wow. You know what I just saw on there? Roman bone dice. So a pair of dice from the Roman days that were made of bone. That app is how much were that going for? That was like $150. And it was ending soon.

Jonathan, you need to get the half real quick. Honey. Wait, hold on. What is the app called? It's called everything but the house. It's based in Ohio. So, like, we can drive and pick it up. The reason we like it so much is that it's local to us, which is very convenient because

you can buy furniture and, like, they'll ship it, but it's like hundreds of thousands. Oh, Jesus. What are you buying, right? Hundreds or thousands of dollars to ship it. But because we have a stepdad with a trailer whose love language is acts of service, I'm just like, oh, I've got a new shelf. And then he'll go pick it up for free. So it's really a good.

good deal. So if you ever want anything off that website, you just let me know, I'll drive my little self up there, pick up your bone dice, and I'll just ship them right to you. Only $100,000. Yeah, I will only charge you 80% of the usual fee and how gracious. You're so welcome.

Thanks. Warning. Don't ever buy any blank products from home goods. There is a reason they have these in the store. They can't sell them anywhere else. So it's a brand? No.

It's a type of product. Do you not buy any blank products from home goods. Okay. My mind went to food on this one. I wonder why. That's, I mean, personal experience. I was thinking olive oil. Oh, they do sell those, like, pantry items.

Yeah. I went, like, maybe they couldn't sell it at the grocery store because of a certain reason they had it sold to a non-grocer. Interesting. Unfortunately, that's not the guess, but I feel like that should be, I guess. Like, something, I don't know what they have that would be so. Yeah, the other places, too. It says electrical products.

Oh, that's the... Oh. It says don't buy any electrical products. They have... There's a reason they have them. They will never sell them anywhere else. Oh, like what kind of electrical products might do that? Yeah, that's so vague.

Girl, what? Girl, get off your phone. What are you buying? Like, do they sell electric stuff? Like, maybe an immersion blender? I don't... I don't think maybe like a lamb. Yeah.

I do need an immersion blender, so I'll check. Don't buy it. Did you not hear this? I feel like they do. They sell blenders. This is the last one, people, and this is my favorite. I ordered Silver GoGo Boots for a costume, and instead they sent blank boots.

I have called five separate times for help. Gee, help me. This has to be, like, the wrong store, because how do you order from Marshall? I don't know. That was the other thing I was confused about, because I was like, I feel like that's not their thing, right? Maybe if you have the T.JX credit cards.

But now I want to guess. I'm trying to think, put my head on like, what is the opposite? You know what, though, is weird is that, like, it kind of harkens back to a topic we discussed earlier. And I will say... Bigfoot. Are you shitting me? I was going to say there's way too many options, but you literally nailed it. Bigfoot boots?

Crypted boots? Like furry boots? Where did they go? Where do they go? Yeah, like slipper boots? Completely furry Sasquatch boots. Sasquatch boots. So they ordered silver go-go boots,

and maybe that's why, because Marshall's is like, we don't do that. We don't sell, we don't have a catalog. We don't give you the answers. But they sent something anyway to be nice. How did she order?

Yeah. Maybe change the costume. I know. I know, right? Imagine if this was home goods in Cleveland, and it's like now all the pieces are coming together. Whoa. They're selling Sasquatch boots to the public.

Oh, They won't take them back. This says it took place February 2026. So I don't know what's happening here, but it's on trustpilot.com. What? Yeah. So you know it's legit. Well, I trust.

I trust the pilot. Trust them. And congratulations you all won my game. Nice. A plus and I'm so proud of you. Good job. We each get go-go booth. Yes.

And they'll be furry and they'll come your way sometime in the next couple years. My game is I have reviews of two. different places, and you have to guess which one it is. The options are home goods or Duncan. So I'm going to read a review. You're going to tell me which one it is of. I don't know the answers to these, and I'm very bad at these games. So usually I defer to the guess.

Yeah, she does. Here is a one-star review. Weird pink-haired lady that just ignores. Same with the middle-aged guy. Unnecessarily rude when all I said was, thanks for their help. End of review, and to be clear that help is in quotations. That's got to be home goods. I'm going to say home goods because I'm like, what help are you asking for?

Maybe they were like, I need extra sugar. I don't know. I'm going home goods. It's a Dunkin. It's a Duncan. It's a Duncan? It's a Duncan? I was surprised too.

Thank you for all your help today. Thanks for your help. At Dunkin? It's tough when your hair is pink and you read that review and you go all that. Oh, that was moving. Yes. Oh, we do have a lot of listeners right in who say like, oh, and I know this is me because I'm the only one with like a nose ring on staff or whatever. And people will write like that dumb bitch was so rude.

And they'll send it like, look, someone wrote a review about me. And we're like, congrats. And they're like usually excited about it. And I'm like that like, oh, I love that for you. Yeah, love that for you. Yeah, love that for you. People are like, hey, I got a review. And I'm like, keep up the bad work.

I'm like, I'd have a mental breakdown, but I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. But sometimes it's. If you get a one-star review, it's because you're generally, I think, you're doing something right. I don't know. Especially Debbie, who's hiding stuff. Especially Debbie. Yeah. The MVP for sure.

Here is another review. This is a one-star. The toilet always has feces on the floor. Oh, my God. The bathroom needs a good cleaning and disinfectant to scrape the stale feces off the floor. What the fuck? Is this a home goods or a Dunkin? Okay.

It's a Duncan. Is that right? I'm going with Zach on whatever he says because he seems like he knows better about all of this. I would say Duncan because like they, because like they, I think there's a little bit more integrity in the employees at a home goods. Duncan, that happened to like,

I literally am making bagel after bagel. I'm not doing that right. Right. There's sort of like an order of, and it's coffee. Right. It's really speeding up the process for everybody. Everyone gets a coffee before they go to home goods.

That's true. You did say someone brings a coffee into the bathroom. Okay, I think I'm going to go with you guys. guys and say, don't. It's a home good. I know. There's poop on the floor. I feel like this is the first time I've done this game where I'm like, I'm actually surprised by some of these.

Like. Holy shit. That's disgusting. It was of the one in Glendale too. No. No. Not my LA light or whatever I called it. Okay, wait, that kind of makes whatever was said in the earlier review makes a little bit more.

Yeah, they didn't like it, did they? No, not so much. Not so much. One star Anna is so much at the register You make minimum wage No one cares what you think Whoa!

I'm gonna guess home goods I'm guessing home goods, yeah Because they love to tell you about what you're buying They do get really chatty there And I saw this And I'm good to get one now Because they're gonna, they're been selling all day So I'm gonna grab it on break

She was, we actually were there A couple days ago Like maybe three days ago And Zach was buying stuff for his character videos. And the woman was like, well, you can pair this with this. And like, whoever you're buying could wear this out to a nice movie night, a nice evening. She's giving us, like, examples. It was really sweet.

So fun. Well. Would never leave a bad review for a while. No. And then you have that bitch Debbie, like, just ruining all the customers' days. Hiding shit. I'll never get over it. Yeah.

And then meanwhile, people are so mean, though, in these reviews. And I'm like, Debbie, keep it up. They knock them down a peg. You know, these Ray Dunn fanatics. Yeah, yeah, knock them down a peg. So, okay, so, so we're going with Home Goods. You got it. Yes, good job, guys.

Good job, guys. Okay, how about this one? This is a one-star review. The clerk was rude and had no manners. She was even talking with mouthful of food. End of review. And now this could go both ways because we got food. Is it Albanese coming?

How sticky, how chewy, how chewy with the foods. Is it hash browns? I want to say, I'm going to go against my guts. I'm going to say home goods because I feel like that. Yeah, I feel like this is a, you're trying to trick up. Yeah, you're a trickster. Yeah, you trickster. Unless that's what you wanted.

I am a trickster because reverse psychology. It's a Duncan. Oh, do you see what I deal with every fucking day of my life being this person's silly. God bless you. I'm loving this right now. Great. This is great. I have one more, okay, and this is my longer one.

And I'm so sorry. Here's a one-star review. Oh, no, I'd love this one. Okay, I don't know why I'm sorry. It's so good. One star. I've been here in the past, but today's visit may be my last. I have never encountered such a rude employee in my life.

Needed to use a restroom, and she followed my daughter and I in and proceeded to tap her foot to hurry us along and said, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything. Hey, is this my four-year-old? She does that. You're not doing anything in there. I'll take my little vape in the bathroom for a minute. Like my little weed vape.

I'm like, just give me like 10 minute break. And she's like, I don't hear you peeing in there. And I'm like, go away. Listen, hear you little gnarc. Get out of here. Go find your father. I am sorry, but what in the actual heck is going on? This is highly inappropriate and we have a right to privacy.

We laughed at the audacity and she's stormed out. mind you, we were in and out in minutes and had no other issues, but this is wrong and quite frankly, rude harassment. End of review. I mean, I don't know. So they were stealing. So they were stealing from home goods. They were stealing cash browns or Albinese government?

Or duck in. It could be stealing from either. I guess, I guess, do you guys have a guess? Wait, I'm sorry. Was the employee inside the bathroom, in the word, because now I'm thinking the layout of the bathroom? Right. Yeah, because now I have a suggestion.

based on that. So typically, in my experience, the Duncans are onesies. Yeah. Yeah. They're onesies. So unless this is a very big Duncan with multiple stalls, I think that's going to...

Now, when we're talking... Oh. No, because now you've opened up Pandora's off. Shit. Okay, what about... I'm going home goods. What about the tree, though? Like, is the tree at the home goods, like,

inside a stall... Is it, like, inside, like, outside of the stall area? Oh. Is that what... Yes. Okay, it is. All right. Yes.

But I have been to single stall home goods Because I'm a frequent bathroom. Yeah, really? Oh, I've gone there. Oh, that was an emergency there. When we lived in Brooklyn, there's a woman who put together a map of everywhere in Brooklyn and in Manhattan that, like, has a bathroom. Which was actually really helpful. It's like in Manhattan.

It was almost impossible. No, really. It's so hard. Yeah. I live in Queens. She didn't make a map for you. She didn't make a map for you. Just, yeah.

It's for Brooklyn. Yeah. So I trust you guys. So we're going with home goods for this because, like, she followed her into the Maybe hiding behind that tree and everything. Yeah, that's what I would pick. Yeah. Also, why is this strange woman like listening?

And she's like, I'm not here. I know what a bathroom is. Like, what's going on in there? Oh, but her name is Debbie? No, come on. I was like, holy shit. She's like, I don't hear anything in there. I mean, that's insane.

I'm sorry. Yeah, no matter where it's. No matter if it's a Duncan or not. Yeah, I'm going to go with them and say Home Goods. It's a Home Good. Nice. Yeah. And yeah, it said they left without any purchases.

And it didn't say anything about like an accusation of stealing or anything. But yeah, I assume it's something like that. Of course they left without a purchase. Well, I wonder if they came in and be lined it for the bathroom. And some like retail workers will be very protective over their restrooms as if like they're getting a cut of them. Right. Like it's just like it's, I, I, you think I want to be in here? It's an emergency.

Yeah. I'm doing this for fun, right? Yeah. What do you think, lady? Not to get way too personal. I've Crohn's disease. And they make these little, like, cards that you can, like, give to the store and say, like, I get to use the bathroom. It's like a legal right or whatever.

And then you hand them this card and they're like, what the fuck is this? And you're like, well, now, not only can I not use a bathroom, I look like a fucking fool. And they keep it because they're like, you have this counterfeit. This is not real. You can't just print shit off the internet. And I'm like, I don't know. They gave it to me. You know it's certified.

I call the number on the back. I know. And it's like my dad's phone number. I'm like, just call it. Yeah, I don't know. I had one of those, and I was so scared to use it. I was like, I read. I would be so scared for them to call me out.

I'd rather just. I would wear it on a little car, not a carabiner. What's it called? Oh my God, yeah, just laminated. Like in college? You tap your way on. Just do like one of those like where your wallet like fold down sort of a badge. Yeah.

That's good. Honestly, rather than show that I would rather have Debbie follow me in assuming I'm stealing something. And no, I wouldn't. That's not true. You'd rather tell Debbie, hey, I've crones. Like, I'm about to blow up your bathroom. It would be nice to see her face go, like, I'm going to get out of here.

Shut Debbie up for a lot. Yeah, get her the fuck out of here. Debbie cannot say that she doesn't hear anything. She's like, I hear everything. I'm going to go to the front. All right, all right, all right. I knew I forgot bringing that up. Okay.

That's why I'm here. Well, thank you so much for joining us on our beautiful home goods episode. Oh, thank you. Thank you for having us. I'm sorry if we talked a lot. We tend to talk a lot. I'm not sorry. Yeah, he's not sorry, but I am.

So thank you for joining us and for giving us all your beautiful, wonderful insight. And where can people find you? What's going on? We have a podcast, Cam Countess's podcast. Please send us your big foot pictures because now I'm passionate. True. It really is like your actual foot pictures. We got to send those to you.

Yeah. All right, Cleveland, send them over. Come on, Cleveland. Get two hands. The fake camp counselors need to hear. about this. Yeah. We need to. Yeah. That's our bread and butter. As you guys. Very full circle. In that stupid font. Yeah.

Of course. Well, thank you guys so much. And Camp Counselor's podcast, anywhere you find a podcast. And, of course, we'll link to you guys in our show notes. And yeah, what an honor to have you. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much for having us. We love this. So fun. So fun. Beach, Sandy, Water, Too, Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Cheever. The show is edited and mixed. by Sarah Borges Wendell of VW Sound. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got.

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