Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 39: Bookstores in Portland, OR

Episode Date: August 21, 2019

Witness if you will a subway tunnel, long abandoned below the bustling streets of Cincinnati. These tunnels have residents: Yelp reviewers. Let it be known that these reviewers have a disdain for soup and an affinity for Criss Angel: Family Man. You hear them chant, but only incomprehensible jokes about Dan Brown. They long for your company as they take a very meaningful journey into.... Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet.  Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill our dream of chatting with you live on video.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Greetings. And welcome. To our show. Greetings! And welcome! To our show!

Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet! The podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Alex. And I'm Christine. And we are here for some really horrible feelings about the internet. Always. Always. Always here for that. This week's theme, courtesy of you, is bookstores in Portland, Oregon.

That's right. I'm excited about this one. It proved pretty easy, I think. My God, it was easy. But I also wanted to say, so last week I, so we're, okay, here's the thing. We're going to Germany and Austria this week week we leave in like a couple days and um we're going to be gone for like 10 days 11 days and uh so we're recording several episodes in advance so i feel like every episode i need to correct some shit that i said or something feeling the same way so now

i'm worried so if we did something wrong last episode, sorry, we recorded it yesterday. Literally yesterday, which helped that this was so easy because it was like not that much prep for once because I found all of mine, spoiler alert, all of mine are from Powell's. Yeah, that's the famous one. Yeah. So this was easy and lots of fun. And it was pretty funny if we made any mistakes last week just wait an extra week and know that let us know when you're correcting us we are finding out over a nice schnitzel dinner and rest easy in that fact yes rest easy in the

knowledge that we're drinking good beer i'm kind of excited to get away me too yeah from all these people unfortunately we can't get away from each other but that's true though oh well oh well there will be lots of germans to uh to uh what there's nothing positive you can put there i'm trying to think of which bad thing they can do all of them all of them um i was gonna say that we can unite against true we do tend to do that we do tend to do that defense mechanism it very much is um and then uh your challenge um was sent in by caitlin and it was for you to find a review of a theme park where the reviewer got bodily fluids on them well that i mean as we can all imagine that was easy however a lot of it was like they didn't get the bodily fluids necessarily on them so i had to find that specific i made it a little tougher

caveat and also uh a lot of them were just gross and sad yeah and i didn't enjoy it yeah it. Yeah. In fact, I felt pretty sick to my stomach after reading these. Good. You know that gag reflex when someone pukes and you... I know it all too well, yes. Yeah. Did you get that while reading these? Yeah, I did. Are we going to make other people get this when you read them?

Yeah, I am. Not excited. Okay, I regret this already. Thanks, Caitlin. Do you want to start? I you start yeah my first review and all of the rest are of Powell's literally all of them all of them I don't know if you guys know what Powell's is but I went to Portland last this spring last spring and um it's really cool it's like this big bookstore very famous spot in Portland color coordinated like different sections by different colors. It's huge.

It's very large. But that means that a lot of people have problems with it. Right, of course. But I found people who had some problems, and then other people had the opposite problems. Oh, yes. So it's really, you can't please anyone. It's full of problems. It's either too big, it's not big enough.'s too crowded it's too quiet like i had some crate some weirdos like they're like this is too too quiet not like i don't know i don't get it as much as i love the way that you describe the problems i think it's more poignant when our reviewers describe them so i'm gonna ask you to please tell me what your first review i don't write yelp reviews for a living i I read them. So here we go. We're just hacks.

Here's a one-star review by Vern Devana. Powell's books does not honor human being rights of freedom of speech or the Fifth Amendment. Pause. If you haven't read our book on... Our children's book? Our children's book about the Constitution. The Fifth Amendment. Constitution Soup for the Soul is what I'm calling it for now. It's a working title.

The Fifth... Love it. The Fifth Amendment does a few things. Right against self-incrimination. It brings up due process, double jeopardy um something about grand juries sure sure why don't you decide whether or not that's at all relevant here oh so we are going to find out yeah so we're the grand jury in this yeah got it i was having a conversation with someone in the coffee shop about jesus a respectful way and not bothering anyone.

One of the managers at Powell's, black, medium length hair in glasses, said to stop talking about that or I'm 86 from Powell's. He said I could come back if I promised to never talk about Jesus at the W Burnside Powell's bookstore. It was closing time even at the coffee shop, so there were only like five people left in there. So I don't know what the problem was. Did someone just say an ACLU discrimination civil lawsuit? I thought Powell's was all about diversity. Beware lovers of Jesus!

I told the manager that I was not going to deny Jesus. So he said I was banned from the W Burnside Powell's bookstore for talking about Jesus Christ. When I was being escorted out, he and another employee, middle-aged, blonde hair, wears glasses, got all happy with huge smiles and gave each other a high five in the air while jumping up and down. smiles and gave each other a high five in the air while jumping up and down. This is where I was. They really lost me. As fire and brimstone came up from the sidewalk. Yeah, right. Do you imagine?

It's like something from a fucking movie. They jump up in the air and do a high five. This book writes itself, by the way, our children's book. The funny thing is Powell's book sells quite a lot radical christian books along with a lot of satanic pagan books as well also i was harassed by their woman security guard heavy set woman with reddish brown color hair where she said hi mr x when i was waiting for the portland streetcar i never looked at her or said anything to her how does she know my name oh very creepy oh I took her picture smiley face what is happening Alexander they have facial recognition security cameras in their stores and they probably sell

all your identities to marketing companies, telling them your shopping preferences, email addresses, and even more. Customers who sell their books there allow Powell's to have all their identity info. End of review. What? What? So, can we rewind a bit and talk about the fifth amendment oh oh all right that's where this all began this all began at the fifth amendment sure so i mean i guess what their point is who is this person again what's their name verne devana bummer because i have a really similar reviewer really yes and um seems like maybe there's's more than one of them in Portland. But I also have to say, I mean, I did buy a tarot card book there and a lucid dreaming

book. So, I mean. Pagan witchcraft. Yeah, they're not wrong on that. Yeah, but they said there's also radical Christian stuff, too. So, the problem is essentially that the manager said stop talking about that specifically jesus christ got it um but what i'm wondering is what was the context here were you chatting with a friend about jesus were you and your no no because exactly they said

there were can you imagine like if i were to walk around and go, hey, what's your favorite kind of soup? I like, what's the kind of soup? Tell me a kind of soup. Wow, you're clever. Constitution soup. Butternut squash. I love butternut squash soup.

What's your favorite kind of soup? Like, I would hope a manager would kick me out for harassing people. Excuse me, stop talking about soup, please. Fifth Amendment. Yeah. No, I would hope a manager would kick me out for harassing people. Excuse me, stop talking about Sue, please. Fifth Amendment. Talk about that. Yeah. No, I know. You're silencing me.

It's not necessarily the Jesus thing. It's the fact that they were talking to anyone about anything close to closing when presumably no one wanted to talk to them back. Well, I mean, this person was also walking around taking pictures of employees so they're the victim here and also what's with the facial recognition thing have you did you see a lot of reviews about facial recognition software at powell's books i did not i did what i saw at least three or four seriously yeah what is. What? Is this like a, do they have a sign? Like, smile, you're on camera and we're selling all your information to...

Exactly. I looked and I googled it and there's nothing about it. Maybe it's a Portland thing. Paranoia is a Portland thing. Could be. Well, I do think that the employees high-fiving and jumping up and down is really quite a sight that... I'd like someone to actually illustrate for me please or maybe we can just reach out to powell's and ask for their facial

recognition security footage and they'll have it on camera and it'll tell us exactly the people's names and their social security numbers we'll probably see it in a campbell's commercial sometime soon when it's sold to marketing why am i on on soup today? I don't know. I don't know. I don't even like soup. Whoa. I know it's controversial, but. That's exactly what I would call that opinion. Jesus.

Okay. Just don't talk about that in the bookstore. You're going to get in trouble. I know. I know. I'm going to, I'm going to get 86ed. Let's hope. I guess I'll keep going with Powell's.

To be honest, I was very surprised by that review that you just read, because my Powell's reviews are so different. Really? Like, complete opposite all the one stars I found. Yeah, this was one of the first ones I found. I was like, this is easy. It's so easy. Honestly, I feel like, because you read

Google reviews typically, and I read either Yelp or TripAdvisor, there's such a difference, for whatever reason, between reviews on Google reviews versus Yelp versus TripAdvisor. It's like a different breed of person is on each platform. They don't cross over very often. Very true. I can't, I haven't nailed down exactly what the characteristics of each are. I know, I know Google tends to be a lot older, I would say. Yes, that's true. You find a lot fewer young people. I think it's simpler, like it just comes up automatically if you have an Android or if you're on Google Maps. Yes. You know. You can accidentally get there a lot easier. I feel like most of, right, especially. Which is what I find a lot easier i feel like most of right especially which is what i find a

lot which is proven by all the reviews that are like why is this here yeah on my phone i have never been to this place um okay so i have a powell's review by brin it's a one-star review i mean if you like books this would be great But for all the tourists out there, this is literally just a very large but ran down Barnes & Noble. End of review. That's probably the meanest thing anyone could say about Powell's. It's like a worse Barnes & Noble. They'd be so insulted. That's so funny.

But I get that. People say, oh, what do I do when I'm in Portland? It's like, oh, go to Powell's. You have to go to Powell's. And if you go there and you're like, well, this is just a bookstore. It's like funny. But I get that. People say, oh, what do I do when I'm in Portland? It's like, oh, go to Powell's. You have to go to Powell's. And if you go there and you're like, well, this is just a bookstore. It's like, yep. And yeah, you're not going to enjoy it. That's literally what it is.

Yeah. And I mean, I went and I bought five books. And then I immediately thought, holy shit, I'm on tour. I can't take five books with me. Yeah. So, I mean, it's not very. It's not necessarily the best tourist stop if you're on a long trip. I do get that.

I'm glad I saw it. But Allie and I just kind of walked in. And it was, so when Allie and I were long distance, I would fly up to Portland, like, all the time. And it was, like, maybe my fifth or sixth trip before we actually went. Because she was like, I don't go over there and I don't really want to go to Powell's. I live in this town. I think we were doing something nearby. So it's like, okay, really want to go to pals but okay right i think we were doing something nearby so it's like okay let's just go you wanted to write your yelp review

yes exactly i want to talk about jesus there so you had something to say yeah but it was one of those places where okay i can say i saw it i went there right i bought a pop socket there so no ally bought it for me so a pop socket that's was my first pop socket. Wow, what a time you had. I also bought the Adventure Zone graphic novel there. Oh, nice. Yeah. So... Can I borrow that?

Can you borrow it? Yeah. No. Okay. You may not. Yes, you may borrow it. Okay, while we're traveling, maybe. Somebody did say, a couple people reached out on Twitter like, hey, we can teach you how to play dnd yes oh yeah finally did see that yeah i would love that by the way

when we're back from germany we've got things to do first we do have to do some european things more like searching for like our character backstory and stuff oh i thought you meant austria searching for our long lost heritage but i guess that too a little little mix um okay so my turn your turn i was about to keep going okay so this next review it hits a little close to home i think for both of us is by patrick one star great place to impress a tinder date or buy a 35 paperbackback about Cincinnati subway history. End of review. Oh, I also bought that while I was there.

Like, this is one of those reviews where I'm like, ooh, that actually seems kind of accurate and mean, but at the same time, like, eh, yeah. Yeah, they would have something like that there. It's a little bit hipster if you haven't like gotten that yeah speaking of which if you haven't looked into the cincinnati subway history it's it's fascinating it's at listen i know we're biased it's actually very interesting and there is a history of like ritual ritualistic um cult stuff that happened down in the subway tunnels because it was abandoned it's actually very creepy it doesn't exist oh yeah there is no subway but i mean there's a subway sandwich sandwich shut up there

is door front don't shut up i'm serious i know there are okay but there's no subway that was it okay your turn yeah so that guy's kind of throwing some shade. Yeah. At Cincinnati, at Powell's. I get it, but... I have another one that really just goes along with the last review I read with Brins. This is a one-star review by Jeff. I don't see what the big deal with this place is. It's just a Barnes & Noble's, but without cushioned seats. End of review.

God. and nobles but without cushioned seats there were so many that were like it's barnes and nobles but worse these are the people that had it talked up to them that they're like this is my favorite bookstore you gotta go check it out and to be fair bren looked like a t a hashtag teen and i was like you know i mean if you're... All those darn youth not reading their books. The youth don't want to go read books. Ew, icky. I know. About the history of the subway system. Coolio.

My next one is by Diana. One star. I love this store. But I always find too many books that I want. End of review. Okay. Yeah. Wait, one star? Yes. No want. End of review. Well, okay. Yeah. Wait, one star?

Yes. No, no, no, that's not okay. That's not... See, I know you're like, oh, what's... I mean, that's kind of... That's surprisingly normal. That's like exactly my sentiment, but that's why I... But a five-star review.

Why I applaud the bookstore. Yes. Okay. You normally would want that problem, at least, instead of the opposite problem. It's not like I got home, looked at my tarot card book, my dreaming book, my Adventures of a Graphic Novel, and went, fuck that place! Yeah. One star. Not at all.

To be fair, I haven't finished all of them, so maybe once I've read them, I will have a different opinion. Maybe it was a problem. I have another review. It's a two- maybe it was a problem um i have another review it's a two-star review of powell's by blix i'm now kind of understanding i think blix jeff and bryan are all friends because there's no way they don't know each other okay blix gave uh powell's two stars this was an interesting experience but there was too much reading involved end of review you're the worst what do you mean too much reading no one what what who's who's making you do any what's making you read you can go talk to that lady in the cafe she has a lot to talk

about yeah i honestly i i went it was a man by the way oh guy Mr. X Mr. X but I I mean I went I don't think I did any reading except for the price on that pop socket

before I handed it to Allie and said you're paying for this buy me this honey oh my god uh no one for

and it's also it's kind of an experience just to go it's a little weird to say it was an experience. Whatever. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. You don't make sense, Blix. Blix, get over yourself.

Go to Barnes & Noble, sit on a cushion. Go sit on a cushion. The next one is by Sandy, one star. Tried to delete all stars. I was not there. Drove by is all. Great place to browse. End of review.

What? Absolute rollercoaster. So first, Sandy's like, I don't want to give this any stars. So they tried to delete the stars. And then they admitted why. Because they weren't even there.

They just drove by. Oh my god. But but the ultimate twist they said it's a great place to browse so they have been there this is one of those google reviews where an old person accidentally ended up on google reviews and left a nonsensical review and maybe accidentally ended up at the location yeah maybe so did what was the all-star thing tried to delete all stars oh i see okay so they try to delete instead they gave it one star but they were presumably trying to not give it any stars erase their review yes erase the stars i see and it wouldn't let them you can't erase these stars it's just ridiculous uh uh okay all right bud what's her name sandy sandy

you'll figure it out oh no i don't think she will well she might find something to browse yeah can you imagine all these people in a room together? I just, they all have, you're right, such a very... God, I hate that idea, please. Such a variety of problems that... That has never been in my head while recording this podcast, and I hate that it's in my head now. That suddenly we're kind of grouping them onto one communal timeline, one parallel universe where they're all in the same space. Their experiences...

They truly do all exist at the same time period, so it is possible. Yeah, it's not good. Gross. Icky. In fact, it's quite dangerous, I think. Quite dangerous. I think we're kind of messing with some dark things we shouldn't be messing with.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You know what? Last time I saw that kind of grouping of Yelp reviewers, Cincinnati subway tunnels. Oh! Yeah. Oh. Dark things were afoot.

See, that's how it all begins. And suddenly you end up with a... I was going to make a subway joke. I'm sorry. I'm not going to do it, though. You know what happened to Jared. Well, he started off as an innocent Yelp reviewer. I don't think innocence is ever the right word to use for him, but yes.

I'm not attempting to absolve Jared, okay? Let me be clear. It's weird, because usually you are. Oh, God. Let's move on. In fact, I'm moving on to a new bookstore. You can stay at Powell's. I will.

I'm not leaving. You're staying with all our friends. They're so crazy. I cannot leave these people. You and Mr. X. You can go high five and jump up and down and smile. We're going to go to the New Renaissance Bookshop. Okay.

Which is kind of a new age. I'm pretty sure everyone outside of Powell's was. Like, from what I saw, they, like, mostly were. What was? Like, they were mostly new age Powell's was. Like, from what I saw, they, like, mostly were. What was? Like, they were mostly New Age bookstores. Oh, yeah. There were a lot of vintage bookstores, New Age bookstores, and then I found, well, you'll see. Or at least a combination.

So, this one. They're eclectic. Yeah, eclectic. So, this one is a kind of New Age bookstore where they actually also do, like, tarot readings and psychic readings. Okay. Okay. Harry gave New Renaissance Bookshop one star. they actually also do uh like tarot readings and psychic readings okay harry gave new renaissance bookshop one star my advice to their owners would be to have a no refunds policy especially if you are going to beam lasers of hate into sensitive customers third eyes end of review this is a perfect like general plot where we can we can we can add to this story because there's a lot missing here his harry's third eye is extremely sensitive

that's a good start so we know that to lasers give us the facts okay someone's beaming lasers of hate into larry's and larry's very sensitive harry has very harry harry is very sensitive third eye wow okay and it involves a wait they have a refund policy they have a no refund no they do have a refund policy they would my advice would be to have a no refunds policy because probably he tried to return something and because of that got beams of hate from larry but not into any eye into his third eye only his third eye yeah that's pretty dirt down and dirty if you ask me the dirtiest yeah dirtiest dirty harry you know i don't even know what that is oh millennials oh my god i'm trying to be a teen you're so cool i'm so youthful god uh cool your

turn my next one is from linda It's a one-star review. Browsing near the central checkout at the Cedar Hills Crossing store Saturday evening, I found racks of socks with what I consider offensive wording. The F word. That even the paper won't print. Displayed at eye level in the middle of the store. I commented to another shopper, and she found them objectionable also. When I said I can't believe these are displayed so prominently,

she said, they don't care. That was, by the way, she was talking to Mr. X. It was Mr. X, yes. The store is amazing. The socks, not so X. It was Mr. X, yes. The store is amazing. The socks, not so much. End of review. I forgot I also bought socks at Palisades. I knew you saw that.

I bought Bigfoot socks for Em, and I bought cat socks for Eva, and it said, my list of friends won cats. I love that. Or some shit like that. I love that. I'm so sorry. Linda's listening even the no they've already projected my i've been there so my facial recognition is all over oh true

cybersphere true um yeah the socks have swear words on them what's funny is like i'm wondering if linda has lives in portland or has ever been to portland before this right but i feel like that's very common there's a lot of curse words in portland yeah and like i feel like any gift shop with socks nowadays like any of those kitschy gift shops all have those same socks and powell's is not like i i don't know why anyone would go into powell's and be like this is going to be a very wholesome experience and there's going to be no curse words at eye level well they heard that there was a guy talking about jesus in the cafe it all comes back to mr x are we surprised there's a reason his name's mr x i'm never surprised when we record these

mr x is the name of the uh guy on scotland yard that board game anyone want to play scotland yard i love scotland yard uh classic kevin from i went on and that's where you drink we talked about it classic kevin sent us i know we have a copy so let's play let's play after we find some friends to play dungeons and dragons with us patrons if you're out there, come over. We'll play some Scotland Yard. We need some help because nobody that we love wants to play games with us. And we're very needy.

Oh, God. So needy. So needy. We just want to play games and win them. Okay. So now we're going to move on. We have a different twist here. We're going to the Portland State Bookstore. Okay, so now we're going to move on. We have a different twist here. We're going to the Portland State Bookstore.

Okay. Like the school. Yes. Lily gave Portland State Bookstore one star. This place makes me want to cuss. End of review. No. There's something going on here.

Yeah, what is this? What? Is that like Lindainda's granddaughter now there was more linda and lily there was more to this review like she kind of explained what happened it's the refund of a sweatshirt but she didn't cuss impressive like in the review like she prefaced it with god i'm so impressed i know that she was able to hold it inside and not let it out 42 that it takes uh yeah linda would be proud although maybe yelp would have flagged it that's true no i've seen people get around that no there's we've we've seen some really nasty shit get through yelp's

flagging system so it's not hard to beat their little formula just be very racist i guess because we see a lot of those oh yeah those get through somehow every time easy peasy i've reported several that are like not taken down and i'm like does anyone realize how fucking inhumane these this is to like leave these up on the internet the question is does anyone care wow wow deep get into the real heart of it you know who cares who jesus don't talk about that or you'll be 86 from this house and i'm gonna high five probably myself because i'm the only one here yeah i'll and then we'll record it oh my god okay my next one is one star from Dean. I'm rating everybody a one star until Google quit harassing me. End of review.

There it is. There it is. We need one of those per episode at least. Dean, get off your phone. Rating everyone one star. Which means the more he rates it, Google's just going to keep sending him more things to review. Dean, did you like this place at least? No. They're going to be like, oh, well, next door is this barbecue.

Why don't you try that? No. No. Is that what Dean sounds like? No. No. Oh, God. We've got to stop doing these two days in a row.

I know. It's rough, huh? It is rough. Well, we have a lot darker places to go before we go anywhere light. So I'm bringing us to a bookstore called Gifts of the Spirit. A Catholic bookstore. Oh, interesting. Now this is, talk about hitting close to home. As two Catholics, born and raised,

I wonder what you have to say about this. I can't wait to let everyone know what I think about whatever this is. And by this I mean Peter's three-star review. Well, they had more appropriate religious crucifixes and so forth. A lot of true religious items are being messed with where sacred Jesus does not look like himself and so forth. Those who are true Catholics who read this review will know what I'm referring to here. Do you know? Is it referring to the color of Jesus' skin?

I mean, I think maybe. Is it like how Santa Claus is white and it's not allowed to be anything else? Yeah, I think maybe so. Okay, because as we know... Jesus is blonde. Yeah, Jesus is blonde, blue-eyed. Yeah. I think he was born in, like, central Florida.

I think that makes the most sense. Okay, thank God. I think we passed the test, passed Peter's test. We're still getting Catholics. Okay. The gifts section had some religious items closer to the truth but still not quite there. Something is happening in our world

and the evil one clearly has a hand in it. Oh dear God. What if the evil one was Powell's bookstore? Take the evil reign over Portland. Still dot dot dot, dot.

The location isn't great, but they do have some items. One shouldn't have to search around Portland to find the truth in terms of true religious items. Too much, again, is being messed with. End of review. is being messed with. End of review. Why does Peter here think that he is the person that can say what's true

Oh, because he is. Catholic item. Like, what? Oh, because he is. Because he is? Yes. He is the truth? No, he is the one who says.

He is the one. I don't know. He is the way. He is the light. Oh my god. no no that's no that's too far what color is his skin though i think we all know it's flirty a tan uh oh my god here's what i did uh-oh what did you do you reached out i reached out and uh i know i told you a couple cruc I reached out. And I know I told you...

Sent him a couple crucifixes. Yeah, I mean, I know I told you someone was going to be waiting out in the hallways, I guess. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Peter, hi. Is he everything you imagined? Like, even better. That shining light around him.

He's glowing. Yeah, incredible. Yes. I went and looked at peter's profile and wow he's has talk about an agenda you know how sometimes these people have agendas peter has a fucking agenda really oh yes here is i have two more reviews from peter okay lay them on me peter reviewed dante's music venue so dante's it's like a it's kind of like a club and bands play and like it's a bar they play like disco inferno

dante's disco inferno is that one uh no yeah i'd love to speak i left you speechless with that one um they play twisted sister i tried to come up with the first band i could think of I left you speechless with that one. They play Twisted Sister. I tried to come up with the first band I could think of. That's a good one. Okay, so Dante's Music Venue. This is Peter's One Star Review. Okay. Oh.

No! Devil Place! Please! End of review. What? Yep, that's that and then is anyone surprised by the next location that peter reviewed voodoo donuts uh-oh yeah so voodoo donuts if you don't know is a pretty famous uh kind of touristy spot for donuts in Portland. Super cute.

They have little voodoo guys with cream filling. They're very delicious. Every time I mention I went there, everyone in Portland is like, ugh, blank donuts are so much better. Sure, I get it, but I wanted to go and get my cool little voodoo donut. There you go. Anyway. Is Voodoo Donuts owned by Dan Brown? Is that why he's reviewing it dan brown yeah like da vinci code i don't i don't get it because i was he said voodoo donuts and i'm

like i assume it's because of the shapes of certain donuts and stuff and the symbology and i'm like i bet he'd hate damn brown no what this guy is what hey it's okay never mind you wouldn't understand just leave it at that listen the experience was great there was just too much reading i i couldn't catch on i'm so sorry um you gotta offer me a cushion seat next time and maybe here's a yeah a cushion seat and maybe i'll uh maybe i'll follow along your you're really sensible thank you leave thread of jokes stop looking in my third eye sensitive i can't help my laser no laser beam okay what does Peter have to say about Voodoo Donuts owned by Dan Brown? Satanic music plays in there. Do it.

And there are evil spirits present in those tacky, frightening photographs and paintings on the walls above the serving area. Avoid this place. Voodoo is not a joke. The name itself refers to a satanic religious practice done in Haiti and Africa. Now, I'd like to take a moment to clarify that, sure, he's right, that voodoo is not a joke. However, it is far from a satanic religious practice. It is a very misunderstood religion. And I urge you to do a little quick Google search.

That's all it takes. Educational podcast. We like to educate and inform. And by that, I mean, I'm not actually going to tell you about voodoo. I'm just going to. That's all it takes. Educational podcast. We like to educate and inform. And by that, I mean, I'm not actually going to tell you about voodoo. I'm just going to tell you to look it up. Yeah. I'm going to tell you that voodoo is not what Peter says. Don't listen to Peter.

But hopefully, by this point, you already know not to. Yeah, I hope so. And if you go down that path, then Godspeed. Good luck. We'll send you a copy of our Constitution soup for the soul. And the Da Vinci Code. Yeah, you might need it. And here everything goes.

And who doesn't really believe in anything anymore, America? We make voodoo into a big joke, down to the point of a nowhere donut shop in a poor and run-down neighborhood being gentrified to the point where this outlet undoubtedly will be closed down to make way for more offices and trendy restaurants, perhaps yet another Starbucks. Just wait. This place has evil in it. Trust me. The loud music alone tells you, quote, something is very wrong in there, end quote. Something to think about. Is it? Because I think it's something to not think about.

Okay, we can do that too. And let's move on. I actually forgot I have one more. From Peter? Yeah, this is maybe the most disturbing, sinister one of all. Show me. This is for the Alano Club Community Center, which hosts a lot of support groups like 12-step meetings,

and a Narcotics Anonymous, that kind of thing. I'm nervous. As well you should be. Peter gave the community center a one-star review. This neighborhood has something evil going on within it. Located above the swank and strangely trendy 23rd Avenue, it is nonetheless not the safest place to attend AA or NA meetings.

I get a very real bad vibe when I go up into 23rd Avenue and into the hills behind it, near the Northwest Library. You know, weird things are happening up there now, and I mean that religiously. What? Why? I don't have the answer, except that we are in the end time. Figure it out! I know more than I am saying to you here. Just go elsewhere for meetings. End of review.

This guy never seems to know what he's talking about. That's surprising. It's just like... Read a book. You just obviously don't follow. Give us some info instead of some weird, vague, threatening stuff. It's pretty specific. He gets a real bad vibe, and he means that religiously.

Got it. And Jesus is from Florida. i don't know what else you need to know yeah i think that's pretty much sums sums peter up pretty well yeah very clear gosh i'm sorry i asked that's the end of peter oh i think we all know i know more than i'm telling you figure it out okay i'm gonna i'm gonna that later. I don't have the answer except that we are in the end time. Well, then I'm done asking questions. Great. I've got a two-star review now from Sam.

Back to Powell's. Oh, back to our comfort zone. Thank God. Too big. Too overwhelming. Do not go drunk. You will be scared. End of review.

Oh, no. See, now that's advice that people should take to heart. Yeah, please don't go there drunk. No, it is quite overwhelming. It's a big overwhelming store. If you have, like, you know, social anxiety, claustrophobia, maybe tread cautiously, I would say, as a person with anxiety myself. However, you know, I mean, I think if you're drunk, I think the bookstore probably doesn't want you to be in there anyway. Yeah, probably not.

I'd be more worried if you were, like, smoking pot or, like, on some other mind-altering substance because I feel like being drunk, it's... I don't know. I don't know. You just wander around. You might get lost. Yeah. There's that't know. I don't know. You just wander around. You might get lost. Yeah. There's that. If you smoke pot, you probably just wander around even more, though.

That's true. I don't know. Unless you get that paranoia. Oh, God, yeah. Not that I know anything about drogues. Yeah. The devil's weed. That's what they call it.

Yeah. Okay. Wowza. Well, I actually do now have a redemption oh good we're back to powell's okay uh this is a redemption for i i'm a little confused there were a lot of different powell's categories on yelp it says powell's books for home and garden and i don't know really i didn't see that yeah i don't know if it's a separate location. Or like different...

I think it's a separate location because they have one in the airport, I know. I don't know that. I don't know. Portland Airport, best airport in the world. It is a nice airport. It's so nice. Zach H. gave Powell's books for Home and Garden five stars. Truth be told,

I stopped in here just to use the restroom while bumming around the vintage stores in the neighborhood. But I ended up sitting around reading a book called Frenemies about cats and dogs. I got sucked right in. End of review. That's so cute.

I was like, okay. I love that. Okay. That's precious. What a nice way to spend your day. Went's so cute. I was like, okay. I love that. Okay. That's precious. What a nice way to spend your day. Went in to pee. Yeah. Learned a little bit about cats and dogs and the adventures they go on.

Plenty of them. Love it. Love that. Heartwarming. Yeah. And you tried to bring us up. I'm going to bring us down now. Listen, someone has to do it.

Another one-star review of Powell's. Great. This is by tina wow hipsterville anyone never been to a place where people act like they are so special with their 12 an hour income and they're not even good at god damn the spelling is so bad in this review i'm sorry i. I'm like really struggling. Let me try again. Never been to a place where people act like they are so special with their $12 an hour income and they're not even good at their, oh, I wish I was a hipster. Look, can I just say there was spelled wrong every time in there. Oh no. Every time. That's why I like got totally tripped up. They think they are so special because they work at a bookstore. So the people who work there,

I say they have no clue what customer service means. I think they look you up and down. And if you're like me, a mom dressed in yoga pants and a pink shirt? You're just not good enough. It's like, I'm tired. I have kids. I want to be comfy. I came to the bookstore to try and find a good book so I could relax, not be judged because I'm not dressed to go out clubbing or as a wannabe hipster. Never will I go there again.

End of review. Hey, bud. You all right? Something's going on here. Hey, bud. Y'all right? Something's going on here. Yeah, there's a little bit going on here. If you scream about not wanting to be judged after saying that they think they're so

special on their $12 an hour income, I don't know. It just, that doesn't, it doesn't feel good to me. Someone got rejected for a bookstore clerk position yeah yeah yeah um and i i don't know is there really anyone who looks at someone dressed in yoga pants in a pink shirt like that specifically and they're like yep that person's not good enough

yeah fuck that guy especially at powell's everyone goes to powell's i mean honest to god i don't it's like a tourist attraction like i don't really think that that's a place where... And Portland is the most laid back place I've ever been to in my life. Yeah. I mean, she said... Not that there aren't interesting folk. I know what it is. Tell me. Maybe she's from Southern California. Or a suburban oasis outside of Cincinnati. Central Florida.

Or Central Florida. Yes. And she shows up, and she's like, I'm not getting the same reaction that I get in my hometown. Mm-hmm. That's probably it, honestly. Or, Oh.

Maybe, when she said they looked her up and down maybe she confused the camera for a person uh-huh the camera scanning scanning doing its thing facial recognition body recognition selling it all outfit to nielsen uh-huh and then she was like what a rude cashier but really it was just a large yeah video camera yeah could that be a thing you know what i can find out probably not my buddy john works at nielsen i think i say at powell's i was like wait then ask him no he'll send me the footage oh so he has all the footage he does he told me that just now oh so we could really just listening in on this conversation oh sure nielsen i mean nielsen's always listening you're always listening so all we have to do is get um yes some footage of

uh well first i want john please i'm sorry we'll pay you but i want the footage of the high five and the brimstone. I want the audio content of the conversation Mr. X was having in the cafe. We want this woman with her pink shirt and yoga pants and her lulus. I gotta see it. Gotta see it all. I gotta see it! We're gonna get it. We're gonna get it. Yeah, I'm done with Powell's powells thank god we're out of there

who's exhausted portland you're crazy portland you crazy i love you but you're bringing me down i was waiting for it there it is well i guess time for your challenge i have to do this shit now get it lots of. So, my challenge was to find reviews of theme parks in which the reviewer got some bodily fluids on them. Fun. Charming. Thank you, Caitlin. Thanks a lot, Caitlin. We'll talk later.

The first review I have is of Universal Studios' Islands of Adventure. Allie gave it five stars. Did not expect to see many or any five star reviews in this challenge. Yeah, you're gonna be just as confused at the end of the review. Good. I went on Men in Black twice in a row due to having to do a kid swap. So as my DH and DS, do you remember? Dear husband and dear son?

The lingo. Oh my God. Yes. The cruise ship lingo, guys. Oh my God, it's back. If you don't recall, the cruise ship lingo taught us what DH, DS, DW, etc. stood for. And it's back i i already have a stomach ache just from that it's all coming back the prickles of sweat are appearing i mean i think also this was uh on a forum so i

think this tends to happen in these it was like an actual Universal Studios forum, just like the Disney forums and the cruise ship forums. I'm familiar with what a forum is. Yeah, well, we're learning a lot about them. For better or for worse. Worse. I went on MIB twice in a row due to having to do a kid swap, so as my DH and DS, who was 12 at the time, could both go on. I felt very sick when I came off and just laid down on the ground outside. Oh my god, love it.

Let's all recall this is a five star. Keep that in mind as we move forward. You know what, I didn't feel well. I was just lying on the ground, perfect. I had previously queued for two hours on this ride in 1994, so thought I would have time to recover. However, we were put on the ride within 10 minutes. After a minute, I knew I was going to vomit, and boy, I did.

I sprayed the people in the front seat with projectile vomit. I vomited for four minutes. Excuse you? Talk about a cleansing. My God, it's like some exorcism shit. Projectile vomiting for four minutes? I'm so glad you didn't describe what they ate at the park that day. Oh, no.

Corn dogs. Funnel cake. Ugh. I vomited for four minutes. The time it took for the ride to finish. My D.H. was not impressed. Sorry. Wow, impressive, honey.

Wow. I guess that's not what... My D.H. was not impressed as i was covered and the whole of the floor was swimming with brown vomit they tried putting more people on the ride but had to close the whole thing down my kids were crying and i was sobbing i had to walk to the loos in a towel and have a strip wash my dh was allowed to go into the shop and buy me new clothes as mine were covered in vomit. We also got free fast passes, but they were of no use to me as I couldn't go on any rides for the rest of the three weeks. We now do not go on any e-simulator rides.

We still roar about it now. My DH wants me to do it again next year to get free fast passes i don't think so end of review the fuck we still roar about it now over the dinner table don't talk about it ever corn dogs and churros all the brown food we can eat oh i'll vomit this yeah literally oh jesus that's just that's just foul i projectile vomited for four straight minutes the entire the duration of the ride by the way i don't think it was clarified um it was the simpsons ride that they were reviewing no so during the simpsons simulator ride sheited, projectile vomited on the four people in front of her the entire time. Why didn't they just stop it?

They don't. They never do. That's terrible. I know. It's terrible. This is why I don't go on roller coasters. Well, there are a lot of reasons. This is one of them.

That's disgusting. It is. This is so nasty. I hate this. Okay. great start we're gonna move on to some um different types of bodily fluid how's that how does that sound we have three you know what honestly probably better yeah probably better vomit for me is one of the worst if not the worst it's pretty bad i i don't do well with blood i guess so i guess we'll see i hadn't thought about blood yeah i hadn't looked that one up thank god shoot now i wish i had but that's okay we found some other good ones so i found this uh pus oh god i tried

to do bile and stomach acid that didn't well. My stomach acid was all over myself. I just thought there might be people being dramatic that, like, people hurled on them and got their bile. That's the kind of shit we're looking for. So, I searched, uh, I did a little search, and I found this place on TripAdvisor. It's called Westgate Smoky Mountain Resort and Spa, but there's a water park that is kind of part of this establishment. Mountain Resort and Spa, but there's a water park that is kind of part of this establishment. And what I learned quite immediately that I don't think maybe the people who go to this place really know is that this is a timeshare setup where you are invited to go for free and then you have to sit through a three-hour presentation to buy timeshares, you know,

yada yada. a three-hour presentation to buy timeshares you know yada yada so k gave westgate smoky mountain resort and spa one star the worst company i've ever dealt with made reservations to stay in one of the resorts more like a roach hotel for three nights with water park tickets and a hundred dollar gift card with the terms that we go through at presentation. The timeshare presentation. Understood. Well, we went and it took over three and a half hours. And the salesman would not let me leave the table when my daughter peed on me.

End of review. Oh my god. I bet they planned that ahead of time. They're like, honey, if I give you the signal you're gonna pee all over me oh to get out i thought you meant the time short people were like feeder gatorade filler bladder so she pees everywhere i don't know why that would benefit them because then they'll say once you once you sign over we'll let you leave we'll let you leave ah there it is we'll let you go get cleaned up. That's disgusting.

Hold your pee-stained mom for ransom. Give that salesperson a raise, though, for being that cruel. I know. The place responded and was like, Oh, we only intend for everyone at our timeshare conferences to have a lovely, wonderful time. Share. Oh. Oh.

Now, things got a little wild after this. Okay, even more so than... It took a few liberties here. We went to Vegas. Who, you and me? Yeah, sure, we did do that. Yes. We did do that.

We're also going back right now. Oh, good. To see the Blue Man Group. Okay. There's a theme there. Not a park, but... Yeah. It's more like an entertainment show.

Okay. Three stars by Becky for the Blue Man Group performance. The music was cool, but I wish there was more music. All was going well until we were vomited on by the Blue Man Group. What? I told you it was worth it. I have never seen this show. I told you it was worth it.

I don't think that's intended, is it? Not only was it gross, it smelled like real vomit can you imagine having to sit with blobs of goo that smell like vomit for 45 minutes i knew i chose to sit in the front row but i thought maybe they'd throw paint on me not vomit end of review ew so i'm not clear as to whether the blue grand Group actually vomited all over, or if this was part of the performance. And I thought I was uncomfortable at Chippendales. Turns out, Blue Man Group is...

If anywhere you'd think Chippendales, there would be some bodily fluids exchanged. However, none of that happened. They were very professional. They were very professional when they were grinding up and down my face. Yeah, yeah. So, what? Well, you know, you'll be happy to learn that Blue Man Group's not the only Vegas performance that really likes to share more than just their talent with the audience.

The next show we're seeing... Beautiful phrasing. The next show we're seeing is Criss Angel Mind Freak. Hell yeah. I saw David Copperfield once. Did you? That was a show. I saw...

The Pattersons. Penn and Teller once. Yeah? Yeah. I'd like to see that, too. Lisa knew them, and so I got to talk to them after the show. Oh, I'm so glad. I'm so connected.

Oh, shut up. Lisa got you that lap dance at Chippendales, and you know it. Am I supposed to be thankful? Okay. Criss Angel Mind Freak. Five stars by Kay. Amazing show. It was funny and mind-boggling and wickedly cool

i got a front row seat and chris angel even spit on me and then he apologized this this is exactly this would be you in high school i know a thousand percent it would be me now yeah you are and were obsessed with chris angel mind freak like obsessed i don't know who if anyone knows this out there but now you do she was legitimately obsessed with chris angel anybody knows this i don't obsessed i don't think in love with chris angel mind freak this has never been shared outside you and my and yeah our house growing up it it was an unhealthy obsession. I'm sweating. Well, I remember I found out he was in a relationship

and I had a full-on breakdown as if I had been dumped or cheated on. It was really unhealthy. Well, everyone reach out to him. Get him on our show. Please, God. I don't know how I would handle myself.

That's what we want to see. Let's get back to k i got a front row seat and chris angel spit on me then he apologized the beginning act was very funny too i'd see it 10 more times definitely five out of five no wait make that 10 out of 10 smiley face more bombs Make that ten out of ten. Smiley face. More bombs, better. That's an obsession, but a little healthier obsession than the one you had, I think. I don't know. There are a lot of smiley faces that are very unnerving. Just the words you would say about

Criss Angel would be much more unnerving. Don't. I'm not going to tell anyone. That's how bad it is. Well, I have one more from Criss Angel Mind Freak. Of course you do. This seems to be an ongoing trend, actually. There were multiple about this exact concern. Bodily fluids.

Five stars by Julia. My husband and I watched Mind Freak live at the Luxor in Las Vegas on July 13th. We sat in the second row from the front. We absolutely loved the show. We've seen other illusionists before. However, Chris Angel stood out to us because some of his magic tricks are dark and gory, and we love anything that has a horror side to it. Okay, listen.

I was obsessed with him during my Billy Talent phase. There was a lot happening we both did have a billy talent yes i had there was a lot that kind of spawned from some some angst i was having anyway plus it totally suits his rocker freak style but he doesn't come off as a freak at all. Huh. Maybe he is. I don't know. But to me, that's a turn on, lol. He appears to be very genuine, humble, and so grateful of his fans and accomplishments.

Also, you get to learn quite a bit about him personally before and during the show, which I thought was nice because you learn that he's just an ordinary family man. Which, like, what? Criss Angel, ordinary family man which like what chris angel ordinary family man what the hell is this review this is so bizarre chris angel mind freak and then like when he retires he'll be chris angel family man on tlc it'll be a whole thing oh i'd watch that i would watch that too i want to watch this show and get a spit on. Okay. Stop. You learn he's just an ordinary family man who worked hard to get to where he's gotten to. The comedy part of it pre-show is very funny.

Especially maestro foo foo foo. That sounds offensive. I don't know what it is. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? I don't know. I like what that is. It sure does. Beautiful and talented assistants that keep your eyes glued to the stage. And bonus for me, Chris spit a piece of paper at me with fake blood on it when preparing to choose an audience member

For his next act Haha I kept the paper LOL I felt lucky I felt I almost had a chance to meet him and go on stage Would have been so cool to participate in his show If you go

Maybe you'll have a chance too I feel like she's speaking directly to me at this point. Can we not have that be a thing? We highly recommend seeing this show. The ladder trick really blew our minds, and the amount of birds he had flying over the audience was crazy. What is this show?

Jeez, this sounds like too much. I must see it. I must. Oh, interesting. Her next line. A must see for sure. There's no wonder it's always a sold out show. End of review.

That is disgusting. All these people got spit. A piece of paper with fake blood on it. Out of his mouth. Out of his mouth. There was another reviewer who gave one star, or two stars, and said the show was, like, fine. But then he fucking spit all over me. And he was like, why would...

No, don't do that. Chris, like, literally reads all these reviews and sees so many five so many five stars of people loving the fact that they got spit on. So now he does it all the time. It's not even him. It's his manager being like, Chris, you gotta keep spitting. You gotta keep spitting. I'm a family man now. I'm not comfortable with that.

I'm a family. You've changed. I've changed. Oh, my God. You gotta give the fans your saliva. It's what they want. It's what they crave. I still don't totally understand how the Blue Man Group vomited on someone. I don't know. You gotta give the fans your saliva. It's what they want. It's what they crave.

I still don't totally understand how the Blue Man Group vomited on someone. I don't know. I don't know. Or whether that was real or a fever dream. I'm gonna think that it's not real. Is that okay? Can we go ahead and pretend that it wasn't a thing that happened? I mean, I'd prefer to think that Becky didn't have to sit for 45 minutes in blue vomit. So yeah, we can go that route if you want.

Thank you. So that's all I have for my challenge. I know it wasn't all theme parks, but I thought it was like... You got some good theme park ones in there. It began with theme parks, and then suddenly I was realizing how many live performances included bodily fluids. Well, no, you literally found the Criss Angel reviews, and you're like, I gotta talk about Criss Angel. But how am I gonna shoehorn this in? included bodily fluids. Well, no, you literally found the Criss Angel reviews, and you're like, I gotta talk about Criss Angel. Ugh. But how am I gonna, like, shoehorn this in?

Oh, Blue Man Group, I'll just pretend that I just stretched the rules a bit. Correct! Ugh. Obviously. Gross. Well, it was a lot of gross stuff, so I guess that was a challenge. So, good work. You're welcome.

You did your job. You're welcome. Okay, time to reveal the theme and challenge for next week great our theme for next week continuing our tour of the united states yeah we're still uh trying to get all 50 states in there our next theme is gas stations in wilmington, Delaware. Oh! I was just saying I wanted to do gas stations. Yep. And I figured Delaware has gas stations.

Do they now? I checked ahead. You learn something new every day. You know what else? What? They pump gas for you. See, that's kind of why I wanted to do I think I originally thought of doing that in oregon because i think oregon doesn't they definitely do i think west virginia as well probably other states remember in west virginia where we just had a oh my god the worst gas

experience of our lives i'm pretty sure we entered one of those weird time loops those like uh twilight zone sure maybe that yeah um where we really ended up in a in a not not current timeline it was bizarre it was bizarre it was like going yeah middle of nowhere west virginia it was like one of those things you read on reddit late at night and you're like what the fuck and then yeah and it's like that's that's what happened to us scary we have had a lot of weird experiences like that Russian guy at the roller coaster. God, yeah. We've lived full lives. Yeah.

Wow, look at us go. Now we're sharing them with the world. Now we're just a family man trying to make it on Bravo. What's my challenge? So, I like this one. I know you did one from Caitlin last time, but... What does she have for me? I like this one.

A review of a church left by someone who got ministered at their door. What's that mean? So, like, Jehovah's Witness came to their door or approached them or... Oh, I... And so then they were so annoyed that they went on to the internet at the door of the church oh no no no so they went on the they were like i guess if someone from your congregation stopped by or like blah blah blah stopped at the powell's bookstore cafe interesting love it yeah okay love that i think that's a fun one that is a

fun one god we love talking about Catholicism. Thank you, Caitlin. This is so freaking helpful. I swear. Yeah. Yeah. So when you're hearing this, we're out of the country. If you're wondering why we're, I don't know. Why we're posting weird shit on our Instagram.

Really weird shit, maybe. I hope so. We'll probably be posting a lot of weird shit on the internet. Haunted places. Two haunted grandmother's places. I swear to God god our grandmother's house is haunted as hell and you'll see why on instagram and for me as being like more more of a skeptic much more of a skeptic it is absolutely haunted that place yeah like it's their last year out center blaze are very much like not not in that whole world blaze will Blaze will be convinced after one night there.

Blaze is a little bit nervous already. And the fact that he's even on edge makes me a little bit happy. Yeah, so send us well wishes. And hopefully you hear from us after that. Hopefully we'll be back, not just in spirit, but in real person. And I know this sounds like a desperate plea to follow us. But yeah, if you want to follow us, we're on Instagram at Beach2Sandy. Or you can find us at Xteen Schieffer or Zandy Schieffer.

And, um, hit us up. We're going to be together. So there's going to be a lot of weird shit that will probably be beach to Sandy related. Can't wait. Can't wait. Okay. We'll talk to you guys soon.

Bye.