Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 391: Reviews of Smut

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. We are so excited to have you here for an episode where we read, reviews of smut. Woo-hoo! I feel like we did this before, right? We've done multiple smut-related things. And then we conveniently forget so that we can reassign ourselves the topic.

It's great, though. Yeah. It's great. If you're unfamiliar, we're siblings. That might be important, but no one was really caring until you said that. In the context, it felt necessary as a caveat to whatever we'll follow. But Alexander, I feel like people sometimes seem to us, which, like, I understand, But they seem to think or assume maybe because I've put that energy out there that I'm a big smut reader.

I know that that's a little bit like of a wild thing to say. I don't know people. I mean. People are always saying that about me. Oh, okay. That's not true. But a couple of people have said that. Even my own friends.

They're like, well, I know how you. And I'm always kind of like, is it because of the podcast that we, but it's not like they listen to my podcast. I don't have that good friends. And so Alexander has more of like a story past, I would say, with any sort of. of like inappropriate content and that kind of thing. What does that mean? I'm trying to lead you into your story about the love. Well, that's not how I was going to do it.

I mean, I don't know how I was going to do it, but it wasn't certainly about me having a story passed with smut, which is fine. I thought that was kind of like why you were telling the story. Hey, have I read some? Absolutely. Alexander. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely.

I want you to know something. I guess what I'm trying to say. And again, I've already expressed today that I'm on a different wavelength than Sandy. I think I've fallen a few frequencies or something. But Alexander, I feel like maybe you and I were experiencing what some call it Mandela affected. Here's why. When I go back into the regular Beach 2 Sandy inbox, I typed in Smut. They all said, for Zandi only because of how much he loves Smut.

That's what they all say. And I feel like, you know, if in the real word, people are like, oh, you read Smut, right? I'm like, no, that's my brother's thing. Because apparently that's how we've presented ourselves. I think it's like when people send those ranties. like religious sounding things. Or where they say the same thing over and over and over. It's my delivery.

And yeah, it's my delivery and the discomfort you feel when I read them is how it started. I think that's why I wanted to bring the sibling thing up because it's sort of like that's part of your story passes to make me uncomfortable. Yeah. So anyway, I'm so sorry. Speaking of making people uncomfortable, that's a good. There it is. We found it.

We found it. All right. Now, Sarah, our editor, can you cut all of that to make it sound extremely smooth and really like clean and aerodyte. Thank you. Good luck. We can't afford that much editing. No, that's going to take a lot of filters.

No, yeah, something special. But no, I did the most embarrassing thing, maybe ever. Well, besides spitting on that lady at the airport, that one was bad. You didn't have to bring that up. That one was bad. And it was not smut related when I spit on her. It wasn't like that. It could have been, and that would have been better.

That would have actually been better. But no, this is a very recent thing. So as we mentioned last week, I'm in a play. By the time this comes out, it's both weekends are done. And I'm very relieved. It was great first weekend. Critics are raving. Yeah.

I'm one of the critics. Mom. She's raving. Yeah, no. And it's been fun and it's gone really well, I think. Anyway, one of my characters is Love Sick Cowboy. Come on. And I found out three days before the show that the costumer didn't even know my roles.

That's just a small part of how things went wrong with this play that was out of my control. There were many times where I said, Alexander, is this normal for theater? And he said, I have no idea. Because it was my first play. Exactly. And guess what? Everyone said, the different actors were like, absolutely not. Okay, okay.

Good to know. Good to know. Anyway, one of the things was a costume was like, you only play the one character, right? No, I played three characters. And she had just watched the entire play. I didn't know that. Oh, I'm like, I'm not,

because I didn't have costumes. I was wearing the same thing, the whole rehearsal. There aren't that many people in the play that you would, like, lose track of who's who. As if she didn't have a list of who plays what this for weeks. Anyway. So it was really stressful because it was the night before we had our full dress rehearsal

in costume and I had zero costumes. She said, oh, yeah, she's like, you're only playing the one character. She didn't have anything for me for that character, even. That was a stressful thing. Well, it's too bad you're playing that one character because you don't get any costumes. You're like, I'm playing for three. Well, that's bad news even more. So don't worry.

So it loves a cowboy. I'm like, I can't wait for that role. I'm excited to see what she had for me. More importantly, my mother and I couldn't wait for that. Yeah, and like, that was what I was talking to all these people about because it was so silly that role. And I had to come up with an entire costume the next day by myself, going through my closet. I went to mom's house to, like, go through my old closet and my old clothes that she thankfully kept. Found some stuff. Our stepdad's dad had a bolot tie and a belt buckle. Before I found all

that stuff, I was going through different things in my closet, and I found that maid outfit that I've worn before. For you all. For you all. You've hopefully seen it by now. And I took a picture of it, and we have a group chat of like five people. It was like not a picture of it. You took a picture. Oh, of me in it, a mirror selfie. And I said like, what do you think about this for, like, Love Sick Cowboy to my friends. And then I double checked. I had sent it. Yeah, sent the photo to the entire group chat of 17 people.

The whole cast got it. The whole cast and crew, like the producer and stuff. Oh my God, I was absolutely mortified. I meant to send it to four people. This isn't a college production. This is like, you know, all- Community Theater. Right, I know.

But I'm saying like this is not like, oh, it's a group of friends, like all- It's like you sent it to like every. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everyone. Yeah, I love it. Everyone. Wow.

And I was absolutely mortified. Everyone was, of course, very fun and chill with it. Like, it wasn't a problem. And I don't mind people seeing that photo. Shit. I showed a photo of me and it to like all of our listeners. But, no, you wore it for us. Oh, I wore it.

Duh. I forgot about that. Actively for a long time. I did wear it for one episode. Makes it sound like I wore it like for a full like multiple episodes. Yeah, I had to sit there the entire thing. But anyway, so I sent that and that was mortifying. But it did feel weirdly relevant to the smut episode.

Totally. Like, I feel like a maid outfit and just, like a sexy maid outfit just in general is like one of the top tropes of my, I mean, at least traditionally, maybe not anymore. The genres have apparently drastically expanded. That one is, that would be fucking lame in comparison to the smut that exists. That has to be elevated in some way we haven't yet seen. Maybe robot made like Jetson style. I don't want to give anyone any ideas. You guys are creative enough. That feather duster, wherever that's somewhere. Anyway, that was embarrassing. And so I thought I'll use it as content and tell people about it. You got it. You got it. Yeah. So anyway, that was fun.

And the play was overall sometimes fun. Made some friends that I'll have for a long time, hopefully forever. So weird. They blocked you after that photo. Yeah, now they all want me to wear it to the cast party. Oh, see. I don't think I'll do that. Yet.

Maybe. Maybe. Go ahead just for some reviews of smut. I would love to. Okay. And I want to let you guys know that my challenge today is also very fun. It's reviews where someone is stuck in an elevator. And weirdly, that was accidentally switched around by me. And Alexander had really put intention behind where the challenges went. And I

totally misunderstood that. So weirdly, though, this does, as I say, out loud, kind of fit also. It could, yeah. It could in its own way, right? I guess anything could if we're going down that the way. The way these smutting, it's like how people come up with this shit. It's like, yeah. Even that seems tame, stuck in an elevator. Totally, totally. Until you hear my reviews. Okay. And then I'm like, this is actually way too extreme. for any smut. Okay, okay. I'll go first.

This is a review sent in by Matt and Elise, and here's just my first example. Matt wrote, Elise said Christine would be obsessed with the book Heated Rivalry. I've not read that book. I mean, maybe. I've not even seen the show. I haven't seen it either,

even though everyone's telling me to. And it's not because of the hype, but like... This is not necessarily my thing. I mean, I don't think. Maybe I try. I feel like it. And also, like, yeah, it's very sexual. But I feel like when I think smut,

I think like there's B movie smud. I don't think of heated rival. I think that to me is like romance, but with a lot, very sexual romance. Right. Yeah, I mean, I feel like smugged by Clippy is smugged to me. Yeah, okay. Heated rivalry is like, I haven't read it, but I assume it's like well written and good.

Not that conquered by Clippy isn't. Don't get me wrong. Okay, listen. Listen, you're digging yourself into a hole here. Yeah, I guess I haven't read it or watched it, but I've seen clips. To clarify, neither of us have seen nor watched this. But this is a review by Anushka. I mean, for all we know, we'd be the biggest fans.

We'll find out maybe someday. Three stars, and the title of this review is Book About Hockey. Wow, they banned my previous review. What the heck, Amazon? And by the way, the format is Kindle. So I don't know how you get your review banned from the Kindle site or store of it. Now I want that original one. I know.

Wow, they banned my previous review. What the heck? I was just going to say that the book was not bad. except there is a lot of hockey propaganda in it. And that put me off a bit. Wouldn't they be figure skaters? I love figure skating. It's so much better than hockey.

End of review. What propaganda? I thought that, I mean, I assume it's like part of the like subversion of like the professional or like part of like that's a big factor, no? I don't know. Not that I've seen it. It's like there's a lot of thoughts on this franchise. On this thing I've never read or seen.

I've seen clips. It's sort of like be the change you wish to see in the world. If you want figure skating smut, A, I'm sure. it's out there. Oh, it does. I'm sure it exists. Be, go write your own. It sounds like you've got ideas already percolating. Don't they have like hockey player, figure skater like romance books? Oh, yes.

There's a lot of that. But maybe if you're looking for more queer stuff, you could write your own. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's a little weird that you would think, yeah. And I think it's hopefully, like I I've heard both takes, but hopefully this is something that

encourages people, at least hopefully in the future, like professional athletes to come out. There are professional athletes who have come out as gay, but like, I think it was Charles Barkley who recently said, like, if you think there aren't gay people in these professional sports, like you're crazy. It's just weird to even have that thought that that would even, yeah. These people are there and they don't feel comfortable enough. Or, I mean, it's their own preference, but I'm sure plenty don't feel comfortable enough to come out, you know. And then they saw heated rivalry and went, oh my God, you're right. I can be just like that. I mean, maybe. I haven't seen it, so who knows?

hasn't seen it. Yeah, so I shouldn't talk shit. What I want to read, but haven't yet, is this book, Zoe sent this in, and this is of mating with Malows, M-A-L-L-O-W-S. This book, let me just read what it says. Don't do that. Cecilia Reynolds has hated sweets ever since she was a child, particularly those of the pastel Easter candy variety. This earns her teasing from friends and colleagues due to the passionate nature of her vehemence. But can one chance encounter with her? with sentient marshmallow rabbit hunks, change her mind about this aversion forever? You can't. I hate that my immediate thought is... Peeps.

I hate that my immediate thought is, so the marshmallows are the boy characters. Really let, surrender that thought, please. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. So it's like basically peeps coming to life and becoming humanoid, I think.

I have a more detailed review, but I'm going to read a short one first, a couple short ones. Yeah, like peeps. Those are birds. I think. Are they? Yeah.

Well, the picture is like peeps. Yeah. So they're the bunny style peeps. Yeah. Which is important because otherwise they'd be chickens. I don't know if that matters, but I'm sure to someone it does. Mating with mellows. Maybe they're really stale.

Okay. I think I'll have more details soon. Great. But this is by Nora Noodle was the author who has also written French Hornie, a neurotic sentient instrument romance. So a French horn knee. All right. We got to get Leonard whatever on the horn.

Not loves the Cowboys name. Delaney. Delaney. Because Conquer by Clippy meets, maybe they know each other. This feels like a very niche subgenre. They're both kind of exploring. Yeah, it seems like it. But they definitely aren't the only ones. No, certainly not.

They are certainly not. Anyway, here's a review of Mating with Mallow's. One Star by Caitlin. What in the yeast infection was this? End of review. Okay, gives me a little clarity. Thank you. Yeah.

That's something to just like, tickle your brains to try to, you know, thank God your brains. Thank God your brains. Okay. Here's our view. And like I'm clearly starting off in a completely different territory as you because my next one is of that book, The Love Hypothesis, which is, I guess, just like a romance.

I once again have not read it. But I've seen it a lot of like airport bookshel. It's like a very popular book. The Love Hypothesis, it's like a romance. And this is also from Matt and Elise. It's read by Amber, two stars. And the title is two diabetes jokes. I'm sorry.

What? You're sure this isn't mating with malice? Well, I was about to say the weird thing is like, it's weird. I'm curious how that what happens here. It feels strangely similar. I fell for the hype and I can't believe in 2022 people are raving about a book that starts off with sexual assault like it is cute and then has two diabetes jokes. Now get this next line I love how they're like

I'm going to keep reading despite the second Diabetes jokes One Put a second one Henry at a tally I don't know if you heard this But our friend Logan was at the play Yeah I heard I was four seats

Three seats away So he said at intermission They had like hot dogs And they're like four for two dollars or something I'm sorry And you were there for this Yes true But he said he ate the first

one and it tasted weird and like something was off and then he was like well we'll see and then ate the rest to see if he was and he got sick from it blaze just got blaze was like i feel like that might have been a bad idea but we didn't witness that what we witnessed was logan walk up and order a hot dog by the way at a place that didn't have a kitchen or anything oh there was a kitchen downstairs that we were by okay in our quote-unquote green room but that that's not where these hot dogs were cooked because it turns out you sure yes okay he thought they were hot dogs they were cocktail weanies Cocktail winies breaded, like, fried. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Which felt like, I don't know. But so he orders, he goes, can I have a hot dog? And they go, you can only have four. Uh-huh. And he's like, could I get two? And they said, no. And so he's like, I guess I'll get four hot dogs. And when he was talking to us about that, he was like, I'm a math teacher.

So I was like, you can simplify a fraction. You can go from four to two and just instead of $2, pay $1. You know, he has a piece of pad of paper. He's like, here, I'll show you. And they go, no. And he's like, okay, so he got four, and then they ended up being these little guys. But anyway, it was, we all witnessed it happen and I went, what kind of weird concession? He only had four hot dogs.

And it was $2. So imagine he's like four freaking 50 cent hot dogs. Well, and then to hear that like the first one didn't taste good, they were just in a crock pot. I'm like, I don't know. And he said it was off. And then he was like, and then I had to test if they were my hypothesis. Your love hypothesis? That was the name of the book I did.

Oh. That's it my turn. Yeah. Okay. Well, I have another one of... It's not your turn. Okay, I didn't think so. I forgot to finish my diabetes joke review.

Okay. It starts off with sexual assault. Okay. Thanks for letting us know again. And then has two diabetes jokes. But get this. This is the next line. And it really kills me.

Because I don't think they're doing it on purpose, but it really got me good. Diabetes jokes are tasteless. I thought it was funny. That was pretty good. This author's writing is very strange. I had to reread some sentences many times because it didn't really make sense. I only finished the book because I paid for it. Soc, soca, fuck, con fallacy, you know?

What? Falacy? I don't think I can say that word. It's part of my new smut series. Something about math. The author's writing is very strange. I only finished the book because I paid for it. I would give zero stars, but I did enjoy the last few chapters, end of review.

Yeah. On the one hand, it's funny to me that they, like, focused in on the diabetes jokes. But then I'm like, on the other hand, why is this book have two diabetes jokes? It's like strange. It's all like. What is a diabetes joke too? I don't know. I mean.

I wouldn't even know where to begin with that. I didn't know that would be even involved in a smut story. But I guess it's more like romance, which also doesn't really seem the vibe. No, no. Weird. Well, here's my second one of this peep marshmallow thing. Five stars, though. Okay, okay.

Here we go. I don't think I could be further away from God right now. End of review. Oh, my God. Here's the thing. Yeah. Picture a circle. When you read one extreme, you're so close to the other.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You just go, boop, you're with God. Don't worry. You're closer to- You're so far away from God It's the paradox Pradical sun kind of thing It's the paradox of smut

I do not like going to the dentist One time I was there And They held me in my That was in my chair Almost not upside down But enough where I was sliding A little bit on my chair

And then they disappeared for I don't know five minutes At least You thought a third plane at it They were all meeting Everyone was meeting Away from me And I thought I was in trouble

Yeah I did not like the experience. It's not usually what happens at a normal dental appointment. But, you know, it can. And that's what's so scary. It clearly can. It might not be a universal experience. It could happen to you.

No. It scares me. No, there's like a normal fear there. And I think also when it comes to teeth grinding, which is something we both experience, and it's really frustrating because you're doing it when you're asleep, right? So you're like, you can't really work on it during the day. You don't necessarily realize the root cause of it, whatever. But Remy, our sponsor today, is so great because I did mine from bed.

There was nobody leaving the room and leaving me upside down my chair for like a catastrophe or a gossip or whatever it was. But I got to do for my bed, send it in. And now I have top and bottom to try both. And I really like the bottom one. And it's helped my teeth grinding a lot. And I didn't have to go through any of that trauma that you did. Protect your teeth with Remy by using code Beach to get 50% off your new night guard with Remy Club, subscribe and save. That's 50% off at shop remi.com slash beach with code beach.

Thank you, Remy, for sponsoring this episode. It can be so overwhelming if you have like an idea or a passion project you want to follow through on. I mean, hello, we are like walking examples of that. It can be really terrifying. Like, what if nobody listens to this? What if people like roll their eyes or think I'm weird? There are so many reasons. But also, if you have a partner like Shopify, it makes it so much easier to set up the foundation of what you're doing

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So it's really, I think it's a cool business. It's time to turn those what-ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash to Sandy. Go to Shopify.com slash to Sandy. That's Shopify.com slash two Sandy. Mari sent this in. It is, I'm getting into your territory, which is why I'm starting to sound distressed. This is a review of a story called Maided to the Monster.

Oh, okay. By Sarah Spade, international bestselling author. But not according to this. Reviewer on Good Reads, One Star. WTF. Who the fuck writes a fuck? fucking monster romance and leaves out the fucking smut. Bitch, I'm not reading a monster romance for the love story.

I'm here for the sex and you did not give me the sex. I'm so mad. Mad emoji, mad emoji, mad emoji, mad emoji, mad emoji. Also, this main character was so annoying. What's holding me back? Nothing, bitch. Just get to it. There is nothing I hate more in monster or alien romances.

And then when the main character has morals and is like, I can't have sex with a demon. Yes, you can stop fucking around and just get to it. Fuck this book. Amen. End of review. Yeah. Amen.

Like slow burn is one thing. Might not be into it. But withholding all of the smut of it all, it's not like, is this beauty and the beast? Like, come on. Is it? No. What's it called mating with the monster? Mated to the monster.

I mean, I guess it's kind of like beauty and the beast, but you don't want it to be Disney-fied. No, you don't want to feel comfortable reading it around other people. or children or the public. No, absolutely not. That ruins the whole point. Absolutely not. Next, I have a five-star review of mating with malice. Alexander.

This one at least provides a little more context, I think. Oh, thank God. Thank God is right. This is what Biblio has to say. I hecking love peeps, okay? So when I saw the pre-order for this, I was sold. I even saved it for peep season so I could eat those sugary little bunnies while savoring this read. It did not disappoint.

Confectionary cock, marshmallow fluff, spunk? Yes, please. Gimmie, gimme, fun short, hot holiday read. If you don't like peeps, you'll love them when you read this. End of review. They also, on Goodreads, they also shelved it on their own shelves. One is red. One is Easter reads.

No. And the third is flavored cum. Imagine. Imagine going on to good reads, thinking the tulips are in bloom. God is good. What could I possibly read to really serve and praise him today? Oh, Easter reads. That's how the devil works.

Yeah. Or what if she's like, hmm, flavored cum? Which has like 20 books in it. How should I glorify God today? Flavored cum. Okay, you know? And if that's, I told you the circle, remember what I said about the circle? Mm-hmm. Look, you know what? Flavored cum is right there, and then right close by is Body of Christ. So I'm just saying.

Alexander. That's true. That was extremely poetic. Yeah. You just discussed Flavored Cum as an option, and I don't really know where else to go from there. So please forgive me. I think you should just go ahead with your next review, probably. This is a sexy smut book called A Soul to Heel by Opel Rain, parentheses, monster fucking. Eden, she, her, sent this in, and lovingly. signed it. Stay wet. That's good. Nice. Five stars by Angel. Anyone who's read A Soul to Keep knows this book is about to be the titties. But this book is so

much tidier to me. Delora, she's a hot piece of all the right junk in all the right places. This bitch is straight thrown off into the veil, y'all like yeated off the hoe because she caught her man diddling a cuntasaurus and busted a cat. Huh? Sorry. Excuse me? I think I just lost a few years off my life. I'm so with it. Like, I'd be wearing orange and kiss my prison pocket. Goodbye. No cap.

So the village is like, oh, fam, we're not done with the trifling. And bam, Kobe her all into the void like, bam, bam, bam emoji. She lands all up on a Movka bone daddy. He gets knocked the fuck out and wakes up like, oh shit, home girl done fell. What do I do? Eat her? No. I'm a heal her up and make her my old lady for life.

Are you falling so? There's a lot of yeating. There's some Kobe. Kobe? Some like portals or something? Kobe all into the void like, bam. The void, okay. Eat her, no.

I'm a heal her up. Make her my old lady for life. She wakes up and he nurses her back to health. And then that snake from Harry Potter tries to eat her ass and not in the good way. Oh. Fast forward a bit. We vibe in.

I will not be providing any spoilers on the Smexy Smek's times, but my dudes, the cup do runneth over. Oh, dear. This dude treats her like she. She's the most loveliest thing in creation, but her whisker biscuit, he does kind of dirty. Whisker biscuit, man, I need to like, I need a glossary. And I liked it. It's called a soul to heal, but let's be real.

The big, curvy, voluptuous babe snatched his soul right out of his custard skin. No. I hate myself. He is the biggest hymbo I've read, but like full-ass Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde in the bedroom. It's so primal. He acts like he's Tarzan. And she's Jane and y'all that vine be swinging. If you know what I mean, real talk, Oprah, rain, I want to hump your brain.

End of review. Wow. Okay. Humph the brain at least recognizes the brains and the intelligence or the thoughtfulness maybe of this person. Yeah. Not just the physical. Yeah, women supporting women. Amen.

I want to hump that brain. That's what that review makes me think. Yeah, women supporting women. You know, when you have those billboards, it's like compassion, pass it on. Virtues. And you're like, what is this? Like church? Yeah.

On the highway? Yeah, they should just put this review on billboards. Like women supporting women. Pass it on. Yeah, pass it on. And it's just, or it's a link or something. Go to this. And it's literally just that review.

Best flavored gum. Wow. That was something. I'm so. My brain is kind of like, okay, I got to chill. Like I'd say I'm processing it, but I'm trying not to process it. There should be a word in German or Japanese for that. To like how to try not.

to process. Compartmentalize, maybe, is the most similar. I actually think it's called suppression. Oh, yeah. They think there's a real English word. True, that is an English word, huh? Well, Blue, she her, sent in a review of the book Unhinged and says, I hear the audiobook version has sound effects. No.

So Blue said, Unhinged is a paranormal romance story that involves a human woman getting it on with her front door. Oh. That's actually what I guessed. Unhinged. I thought it must be either Tim Allen. Oh, okay. Don't. Don't.

Don't. That's pretty good. Stop. Kind of like Scooby-Doo. And then I thought Doors and it was Doors. Okay, yeah. Here's a one-star review written by Thomas. Doors should be slammed, not banged.

I read this with a friend as a joke and I'm a worse person for it. The sky is less blue, the birds no longer sing, and I recoil at the mere sight of a doorknob. God has forsaken us and devils roam the earth disguised as this book. P.S. The author definitely did it with the door. Probably more than once. End of review. I mean, I imagine that'd be part of the research process.

How could you write a book about fucking a ghost door if you don't... Yeah. Try some ghost door dick. I've always said that. Yeah, you have actually, and I don't like it. It's a thing. I don't either. Okay.

This is a nice quick. one, and I've another one after this, but this one's from Ashley, she heard, who sent in a review of Morning Glory Milking Farm, which I'm not sure if we've talked about it, but I am familiar with this series. Like, I know it's not Sister Amy's Milk, but it really kind of rings true to that whole reference that we still don't really remember. Yeah. So that was a Sister Amy like a nun, so definitely smutty, really.

Completely unrelated, but it feels weirdly adjacent. As far as the inside jokes on this show go. So true. You're thinking of milking. It makes sense. Okay. Violet is a typical down-on-her-luck millennial, mid-20s, over-educated, and drowning in debt, on the verge of moving into her parents' basement, when a lifeline appears in the form of a very unconventional job in neighboring Cambrick Creek. Morning Glory Farm offers full-time hours, full benefits, and generous pay with no experience needed.

There's only one catch. The clientele is a grade A certified prime beef with the man-loor. meaty endowments to match. Oh my God. Hands on work with Minotars isn't something Violet ever considered as a career option, but she's determined to turn the opportunity into a reversal of fortune. I just unfortunately had an extremely suppressed memory resurface of you telling me about this book. Talk about suppression.

When a stern, deep-voiced client begins to specially request her for his sessions at the farm, maintaining her professionalism and keeping him out of her dreams is easier said than done. Violet is resolved to make a dent in her student loans and afford name brand orange juice and a one-sided crush on an out-of-her league Minotar is not a part of her plan unless her feelings aren't so one-sided after all. Here is a one-star review.

Oh, my God. This book could kill a Victorian child. End of review. Yeah, I believe that. Genuinely, believe that. His podcast could probably kill a Victorian child, let alone that... Fingers crossed.

Freaking book. Oh, Gio just came out of the show. It was like, me? It was me in a former life. A Victorian child. Well, I've got one more here. This is one I have, what I found. This is of banging my birthday bear by Holly Wilde.

These are just people's weird dreams. Yeah. Okay. Spending her 30th birthday with friends tucked up in the mountains is exactly what she wants. Who? Who knows? Who? But having a raw, passionate fling with a life-sized teddy bear is exactly.

what she needs. It's Mia's dirty-thirty and she is ready to have some fun. When her friends surprise her with a giant stuffed bear, complete with a life-like anatomy, her special day turns into the stuff of dreams. And I do mean stuffed, which is exactly how she spends a night with her birthday surprise, stuffed to the brim and ready to explode. Are you ready to fall in love with the birthday bear? I'm distressed.

Hugs'ner, is this in the flavored come? You have to tell me. Oh, it was. I think that's where I found it. What? I'm not even kidding. I think that's where I found it. So this is fatty bear. Fatty bear, yes, yes.

The CD-ROM we played as children. The CD-ROM. Yeah. We found the CD underbelly of the CD-ROM called Fatty Bear. It's birthday surprise because this would be a birthday surprise indeed. And I'm, yeah, I'm distressed, I could say, I would say. Well, Darlene, I read way too many books. Wrote a review.

Okay. Four stars. Mia has a tradition, and well, she fucked a teddy bear when drunk, and her friends gave her a huge one for her to have fun with. Honest, her friends were goals with not making fun of her with that kink. This is a short 49-page story, so I'm going to keep it short. She fucks a huge teddy bear who comes to life. L.O.L. Pure smut. End of review.

I mean, thank you. It's good insight, because I did wonder, What do you mean? Her friends give, like, what is that about? What a weird friendship? But I get it. It's like the inside joke and then it turns into this. Okay. Thank you for your insight.

A large, sexy teddy bear with a penis. What was her name, Dolores? Mia? Darling. Darling. Thank you for that insight. Yeah. I needed to, I weirdly needed to know.

I thought it was important. Yeah, no. To get closure. There is context instead of these people being like, here's a giant fuckable teddy bear. Right. It's like, ha, ha. Remember that time you fucked a teddy bear. You dumb bitch.

Here we're going to give you a giant one. so you can fuck another teddy there. Yeah, remember how we traumatized you about that? Well, here you go. Well, we're leaning into it now. I think this is very helpful where they had a list of what types of smutty behavior exists in this book in case someone's looking for a certain thing, similar to that shelf of flavored cum. I was going to say helpful, and then I thought, uh-oh, he's going to read these.

I'll read a couple. Okay. Praise kink, size difference, deep throating, cum play, hyperspermia, which was new to me. I'm not familiar with that one. I mean, it kind of speaks for itself. And multiple orgasms. So what's not to love everybody? That feels pretty tame.

Yeah, it did have heat level was four chili peppers. Whoa. So I don't know what that means. Oh, and I wanted to read this. I forgot. They forgot flavored gum. They did. They did.

This is a zero star review by Marissa, who says this. The following is an actual real quote from this book. Spoiler tagging because it's not safe for work. Quote, I let him in, let him explore the open cave of my mouth, just like I gave him my cavernous pussy. End quote. And then said, I am so upset, this is a sentence I read. And then rewrote and passed on like a fucking virus. Yes, it is.

Oh, boy. Apparently, the stuff exploded and went all over the room according to a different review. At least all over the room. Yeah. I mean, frankly, in the description, it worried me when I said she was almost stuffed to bursting. And I was like, this could go in a really weird bad way also. Yeah.

So, you know what? I'm going to take it as a win. Was that your last one? Unfortunately, it was. It can be so easy to put off getting new glasses. I've watched Blaze do it about a dozen times over our marriage. But when Zeni came through as a sponsor, I was like, oh, I've been meaning to get, okay, well, hang on. But when Zeni came through as a sponsor, I was like, ooh, I've been meaning to get some new blue light lenses.

And I've been wearing these almost every day. I wear my sunglasses every day, even if I don't leave the house. Yeah. Yeah, that's normal. You too can do that and be normal with Zeni. No, it's a very, very cool website. They have so many different frames and options and lens options. And they start so affordably that you can kind of build and customize whatever you're looking for.

They have over 150,000 five-star reviews. I like also that the, well, you can try on the frames, which is awesome with the app. But then also they have like quite a few reviews on there already and people post photos of themselves in the glasses, which is helpful. Someone, I'm not kidding, went up to me and said, are those zenies? No. I'm telling you. I was like, they sure are. And they complimented them, of course.

That's crazy because my heart glasses. I've been getting like some comments on those, which are. They have some really good design. I actually really like their options. Oh my gosh. If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is that. time. Go to zeni.com slash podcast and use code podcast 15 for 15% off your first order. The styles do sell out, so don't sit on it. That's z-en-n-i.com slash podcast, promo code

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Well, maybe not that much wilder, but like pretty fucking weird. Okay, good. As someone who was stuck in an elevator within the past year, I'm very curious what happened. Your experience. The fire department had to come and let us out. And you were in like a scary, like a. Oh, like it was like a former like warehouse. Like an empty kind of like spooky type.

Yeah. Like it wasn't just like a hotel or something. And who knows the last time that elevator was serviced? Yeah. Like crazy. Probably the day that you've done. freight elevator. Stuck in it.

But yeah, and then not only that, the firemen, there were, like, probably, like, 12 firemen. And they were, like, in rows in this corridor where they let us out. But we were, like, halfway between floors. So when I got out, they literally held me. And, like, I gracefully descended into the arms of a fireman. I mean, maybe you should read one of these books. I should write one.

Don't say your husband's name and then elbow me. Episode two? Episode two, right? Blaze the fireman? Wait a minute. Alexander. And I was a fun challenge. Yeah.

No, I wasn't planning on it. Anyway, I'm curious how these will go is what I'm saying. This all feels like it is the kind of experience and research that happens in your day-to-day life that could become a smut genre of your own. You know what I mean? It feels like you could draw on experiences like that if that were your thing. Yeah, enclosed in a small space, potentially with strangers. Right. Firemen coming to help you.

What I'm saying is like you're clearly getting creative. here and I want you to kind of maybe explore that in your own time, not with me. It's when I'm glad that I have a Fantasia and can't picture things in my head. Super glad for that. Like my intrusive thoughts would put some weird pictures up there. Yeah. So this is from Danielle She that. And this is not a review.

All it says is, so she picked the stuck in elevator topic on the Patreon submission form and wrote, I have no links. The topic sounds terrifying. The topic just sounds terrifying. Yeah. So I'm like, thank you. And it probably does. But if you have a serious.

Good luck. I think they're already gone, I would hope. This was sent in by Stacey. It's a three-star review of a place called Waikiki Malia, and it is like a small, it looks like a small boutique hotel or B&B style. This is a one-star review by Vi. Don't be deceived. We decided to book this hotel via Costco Travel because the price is cheap.

The rating at Costco Travel and the pictures in their website looked very friendly and decent. When we arrived at the place, we were very shocked, far from what we imagined. It had a foul smell, handprints on the walls, and was very dusty. The vacation then turned into a nightmare. On Wednesday night, we were stuck in elevator for an hour due to hotels' elevator malfunction. It's even worse than you think. Oh. The hotel staff then handed us a bill to repair their elevator.

They said because it's our fault. How could that be? They're even threatening us at the table. they will send the elevator's repairs bill to collection agency with our name on it. This is not the place I would recommend and is not right to deceive customers just to get bookings with all the pictures they had. And it's not safe for people who want to book in this hotel with unsafe, outdated, and lack of maintenance elevator. Here is a literal picture of the bill. Of the elevator company bill that then the hotel gave to room 17.

It literally says, oh my God, says a room number. And wouldn't you know it? a $600 bill because it's like the elevator, I guess, has to be reset and all this stuff. And apparently this has happened several times. So I guess now the management's like, well, you pay for it. Like that's not how that works. That's not how that works. Based on the manufacturer, it's a legitimate elevator.

Exactly. They're not messing around here. $600 looks like a pretty standard service charge. And then it says here, reason being 911 trap passenger. stuck on 12th floor advanced to 911 operator. Not the 12th floor. That's scary. That's a big fucking building, too.

I mean, like. But remember, they're room 1710. So yeah, they got stuck probably halfway. Oh, fuck. True. I didn't even think of that. 17. Man, this is a big building to have a faulty elevator.

Especially if it's your fucking fault, you idiot. How could you break the elevator at floor 12? I'm like, how would it possibly be the person's fault? Like, I'm curious, unless it's like overweight. But like, even then. And the rating, it's like, they... But there's like no... They're very conservative with that.

There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason, except that the place was just like, here you go. It does make be suspicious that they didn't include why the place said they, how they said they broke it. Because I assume they had some, not that it's legit, but like, I assume they would have said something. Like you, not just, you broke it. Here's the bill. I don't know. Maybe. It has really not super good reviews.

So I'm not sure. And they did provide some details at the beginning that I'm like, this place is. does not seem... It just... Yeah. Okay. Here's a message from Brad. X-teen and Zandi.

It's been a minute. Had to throw in some elevator reviews after I saw the challenge. Funny enough, I used to be in the business of selling elevators. Whoa. Money was great, but man, was business just so up and down.

He pisses me on. I don't know why I thought... Every time. It got me. It got me. I was like, oh, really? What an interesting life you live. Live.

Lead. Lead. I just hate you, Brad. Stay Sandy, he says. This is a review of the premiere in London Canary Wharf West Ferry Hotel. Nightmare stay. Where do I start? I'll start with positives because there are so few.

Location was convenient. That's it. Our experience. We self-checked in and went to our room. It was dark and dingy and facing a construction site. I showered and actually slipped in the shower as there was no mat available. Rooms aren't cleaned unless you are. ask, towels aren't replaced, and you need to ask at reception.

I appreciate this as a budget hotel, but we did not pay a budget price. After I showered, I entered the lift, which had six others inside. Within seconds, we heard a loud crash. No. The lift was broken and flashed, out of order. It was extremely hot inside the lift, and many began to panic. We sounded the alarm, and no one responded for over 15 minutes of a sounding alarm and shouting. we contacted someone through the lift system who didn't know our location.

I'm like, what do you mean? Where's like central command for all these elevator emergency buttons? Like is there someone who's just sitting in the middle of London like, oh, an elevator? Well, I don't know where you are, but good to know that an elevator is broken down somewhere. I put a tally on the wall. Don't worry. We don't know where you are. Well, we're not moving.

So you can come find us, I think. Oh, this is excellent. It just gets so good, okay? We contacted someone through the lift system who didn't know our location, and it was very difficult as they couldn't hear us and us them, so they didn't understand that we were trapped and in an emergency. They kept repeating, just use your room key and select a floor. No.

Yes, they were not listening, that it was broken. No signal to call reception. Wi-Fi intermittent. Luckily, I received a small amount of Wi-Fi enough to contact my fiancé to come and alert staff. They were separated? Yes. Oh. It's good.

I mean, it works out, but like, yeah, that is for the best. But still, like, that's so, I didn't. And now they're separated. Just kidding. I did a double take. Like, wait, they are? I mean, after this. Imagine that's how it ends.

All that's are off. The heat was unbearable, and this was over 30 minutes at this stage. After a long period, another person in the Lyft's family member could be heard, along with mine, advocating for us to get out. Another while passed, and we were told we'd have to wait and wait. Lift engineers arrived, and as did the fire brigade, we were between floors so the fire service were below and lift engineers above. We begged for the fire service to rescue us as we were dripping in sweat with the heat.

The lift engineers argued with the fire service and said they were both going to fix the lift. They then closed the doors and we did not see them again. No. It's not funny. It's like... That's crazy. It's just like horrifying. Okay. Next, the lights went out and an emergency light came on. We were terrified.

We eventually begged them to open the doors so we get some air and begged for some water. They arrived back sometime later with three small glasses of tap water for seven people. What? This is how you and I used to play jail when we were three and we'd be like, stand behind this like serving tray thing at the restaurant. and I'll give you like a sip of water. That's all you get, jail. And plain bread. And plain bread.

No reassurance from anyone other than our family members as staff were arguing and actually shouted at us for the fire brigade being called, although it was done automatically via the alarm system within their lift. Oh my God, they didn't even, oh dear God. Yeah. The manager proceeded to shout at the lift engineers and the whole time we heard shouting from outside the lift.

The manager even threatened our family members would be kicked out of the hotel. And the manager also, when the door, was open, took pictures of us in the lift without our consent. She then denied it, yet family members saw it on her phone, and then she deleted them. What's happening? She's sending it to a group chat, like, LOL, look at these idiots. It's just her Snapchat. Like, sorry, I deleted it. It's gone. Oh, it's be real time. Oh, yeah, this might be real. Don't worry. Bear in mind, most of us were going to gigs, and now we were late. Oh. What does that mean? A majority of these seven people

We're going to gigs? Were they performers? I mean, I guess they're traveling for something. You have vaudeville troupe? Came your way out. That would be hilarious. Just imagine like the six of them are and the seventh person has to hear them like practice in the elevator.

They don't know what else to do. They're like sound the alarm, sound the alarm. Give us some water. After one and a half hours, the engineers realized they couldn't fix the lift and we begged for a step ladder to get us out, something the fire service could have helped with a long time ago. The manager sent for someone to look for one

and stood there unbothered at how distressed we all were. We waited and waited and no step came so a family member found a stool from the bar, and that's how we got out, with help of our family and the lift engineers helped too. If it wasn't for our family members, I dread to think what would have been. Family members also sourced as bottles of water as staff didn't.

Once we got out, we were all traumatized and very upset, and the manager didn't apologize, simply took our room numbers and said our stay would be complimentary. Staff member was still wandering around looking for a step ladder at this stage. An hour later, got one. Hey, where'd everyone go?

He goes back to the elevator. Oh, my God. I thought the nightmare was over. But sadly, it wasn't. Turns out we received a letter to our room saying we would have to call to request the refund and that they knew about the incident. Oh, and of course, they weren't open weekend.

only Monday to Friday 9 to 5. I waited for 30 minutes on the Monday to even get through to them for them to tell me they had not heard anything about this incident and they had not been told. I had to relive it all again by explaining everything. They called the hotel and eventually authorized the refund, which would take days. When we approached the manager and asked why they didn't tell anyone about the incident,

when the letter said they did, she repeated it, I've sorted it, darling. I've sorted it, darling. Oh, no. I have never experienced it. incompetence, lack of customer service, or care for individuals in my life. It was alarming they seemingly had no evacuation plan or weren't alarmed when we sounded the alarm in the lift.

You're asking a lot to remember that they have to be alarmed about the alarm that you sound. A lot of alarming. It's a lot of alarming to keep track of. An alarming situation that, you know, yeah. It's alarming all around. It is. Absolute disaster.

I am leaving this day terrified of lifts and is a newfound claustrophobic. Hours of my life, oh, maybe they get a kickback from the claustrophobic Society of America. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The CSA. A bunch of therapists nearby who specialize in claustrophobia who are like lining the pockets of this manager. Man. It was like, ooh, I don't know what to do.

Just taking my time. I'm still looking for a stool. Just hides one behind like a tree. Oh, my God. We don't have one of those. We don't have that. Hours of my life, I won't get back between the lift and having a call to beg for a refund we were promised. I believe they made this process as difficult as possible,

hoping people would simply forget about it. Okay, anyway, that's the end of that review. Wow. Thank you so much to Honeylove for sponsoring today's episode. I was really ready just now to do a full reveal, but I think I'll just do an audio reveal instead, ready? Oh, dear God. That scared me, and I'm sitting next to you.

Well, that should scare you. I'm averting my eyes, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, don't worry. I won't reveal anything. Honey Love is an independent female founded brand and their products are intelligently designed by women who actually wear them, including the founder Betsy, Love Betsy, who is highly involved in the development of each product.

And I've found that that is a huge deal, especially when it comes to products worn primarily by that audience. It's like, it's nice to know that somebody actually tests and tries them out, makes sure they're comfortable. Yeah, and one thing that I've always thought is a great bra is a foundation for any great outfit. Yeah, you do say that all the time. And I kind of hate that.

you're saying this because it is true, and I do believe it. And if you go with Honeylove, you're going to elevate your style. Wow. I'm just saying. It's weird that you've always said that, too, like since you were three. At a long time. Since Betsy even existed. Yeah, yeah, you're so right.

Anyway, treat yourself to the most advanced bras and shapewear on the market. For a limited time, honeylove is offering up to 50% off statewide during their memorial day sale. Use our exclusive link to shop at honeylove.com slash beach to Sandy. That's honeylov.com. slash Beach 2 Sandy. After you check out, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our show and tell them we sent you. Experience the new standard in comfort and support with Honey Love. All right. So now this is where I say, I'm so sorry to read this to you. This, after this is our smut episode and this is when you say sorry for something. Uh-oh. I'm so sorry. This, I feel like I've read it before. Okay. But it was recent. Karin sent this. She said, I sent this in years ago, but I needed to be sent again.

And I read it and I thought, this sounds familiar. I'm not sure if, like, last time, do we ever do this? At this point, I don't even care. It's fun to redo things. I just unfortunately need you to know that, like, it's... An essay. No, a novel. It's a manifesto.

Oh, no. Frankly. That's just what we need. I know. It's really the last thing we need. And also, I want to add, like, I'll be honest, it's a bit triggering. I was like, this person is really putting a lot on this child that she speaks of. What?

Yeah. What did this child do? Nothing. Like, you'll see. It's just very, I will be laughing throughout it because it's absurd, but also, like, it's a tough read. Okay, here we go. Elevator unsafe employee negligence. This is a review of the Dunaway Portland, a Hilton Hotel.

Hello. Sunday, May 16th at 3 p.m. My family of first. and I returned back to the Dunaway Hotel and went up to our room, 1862, on the 18th floor so we could pack up our things and change into our swimsuits in order to make the 4 p.m. pool reservation we had before we ended our stay. It was our daughter Ruby's 7th birthday, and the pool reservation was made specifically to ensure she got this pre-planned 45-minute time-slotted treat for her special day. When we got to our room and tried to enter, the key card no

longer worked. We figured there was probably a miscommunication about checkout time, so I said, I would just go back down real quick and get a working room key card. I want you to remember that. Okay. To me, this is what this all hinges on, is this working room card. Okay. Okay. I went back to our floor's elevator area and got into the first elevator that opened, which was the far left of the three available. I pressed the first floor button and the doors closed shut like normal. I waited for the elevator to begin moving down as it should. but it didn't move. Confused, I looked up at the floor number counter display,

and it still said floor number 18, and wasn't moving like it should have been. I stood there waiting for around 10 seconds, increasingly realizing there was something wrong going on and trying not to panic. All of a sudden, the elevator goes completely pitch black, and I am in total darkness. I could not even see the elevator buttons themselves,

let alone identify what any of them said. There was no light. The doors remained shut. I was trapped inside the elevator. I started yelling, hello! It's not funny. I started yelling, hello, help over and over loudly, since I knew my family was right down the hall

and probably could hear me if I yelled loud enough. They came over once they heard me and said, I am trapped in here, what is happening? My husband Jason started pushing the elevator buttons to see if it would work to open the elevator. Luckily, it worked, and it opened the door to let me out. It made no sense what had just happened. I've never experienced an elevator malfunction in my life.

And since my husband was right there to help me, I didn't really have time to dwell on what I would have done, had he not been there? I still needed to get a working room key, so I said, I guess I'm going to have to take the stairs down and get it that way. I had no idea how long it might take someone to bring one up, so that was the only choice. I feel like that's not.

True, but okay. Once I got to the stairwell, I started to go down the 18 floors as fast as I safely could, knowing our time constraints with the pool reservation, and how important it was to our daughter. It was hot, and when I finished the 18 flights of stairs, I was overheated and panting. I finally got to the front desk and I explained to the woman employee.

She was the only staff present why I was out of breath and sweating, telling her I had just taken the stairs all the way down from the 18th floor. She was probably like, congratulations. Yeah, it's like, well, maybe you shouldn't have done that. Yeah, we have an elevator. Sorry. Four. I told her, three. I told her that was because the elevator on my floor had malfunctioned with me inside it and that it was really scary but that my husband, Jason, who was nearby, had heard me and pushed the button and that worked to get me out.

I explained the details of what happened inside the elevator as best I could, and she said she was sorry and asked if I wanted a water. To be fair, that's more than the other people did. True, true. She said the other elevators were working fine, as far as she knew, and she would tell someone what happened with mine. I explained her room key was not working, which is why I had to come down to begin with,

and then my family was now waiting for me. She gave me a new room key and assured me that the elevators were fine, so I went ahead and took the middle elevator in the lobby back up to the 18th floor without a problem. Okay, so now the room key is working, I guess. I don't know. I don't know what happened. Life is good.

When back in the room altogether, we talked about the elevator doing what it did and how strange it was and how we didn't know why that would happen so randomly when we had been using it for the two days that we were there. As we were getting ready to head out of the room, my daughter Ruby told us she did not want to take the elevator at all anymore. She was scared because it had trapped me.

I understood her feelings. feeling worried, but I assured her it would be okay and that it was not going to happen again. She was still really fearful. I do fear you said that same thing last time. I'm starting to have flashbacks. Maybe it's just all in my head. She was still really fearful and hesitant. I told her we're on the 18th floor and I was too tired to do another 18 flights of stairs after already doing one round less than an hour ago. I said I told the front what happened and they have checked on it and wouldn't let people keep riding that elevator. It was her birthday and she was going to be okay. We were going to do what she wanted to do, to go to the pool. Jason and our son Ryder left the room about 10 minutes ahead of when Ruby and I did

so they could take our bags to the parking garage and meet us on the 11th floor at the pool. Ruby and I needed to go down to the lobby to get the pool key. When we got to the elevator area and press the button, the only elevator that would open was the far left one that had messed up on me earlier. We were not going to take that elevator no matter what, because that would have been traumatic for my child since she had already seen what it did to me and she refused to go in it. So when it open, we waited for the door to close, then press the button again. Each time the far left was the only one that was open. Yeah, because it's already there. It's not going to... That scared my daughter more and made me concerned as well. Now, I am not familiar with how

elevator systems work in detail. I mean, it's like, it's making crazy. You don't have to be. You are traumatizing just child. I was like, this is so crazy. This is so crazy. Okay. That scared my daughter more and made me concern as well. I'm not familiar with how elevator systems work in detail and wouldn't know for sure whether or not that was normal, but I do know for sure they shouldn't trap you inside. And that specific one had already done exactly that. So I said, okay, we have no other choice.

We have to take the stairs. It was now 4 p.m. This was supposed to be the best part of her day. But because of the hotel's malfunctioning elevator, she was fearful and sad instead as we headed there. we took the stairs down the 18 flights. I had now done 36 flights of stairs within an hour time span inside a hot stairwell on an 80-degree day where I had already been active in the heat for many hours prior.

This was supposed to be the relaxing part of my daughter's birthday, but instead it was physically exhausting and had us questioning our safety. This is an experience I've never encountered in all the times I've ever vacationed. I mean, that would have been wild. Yeah, true. If you're like, man, every time I vacation. Well, but it's like a normal thing that the elevator just opens. Well, that part is normal.

The elevator's suddenly going pitch black and blocking you in. My guess is she didn't press anything because when you do that, the elevator does go back to neutral. Like it doesn't. It does not turn off the lights. I have been in so many elevators where I didn't have a key card and whatever. When the door's closed, you're not just standing there in the dark. That's true. Something's wrong.

Okay, you're right. And that actually makes it way worse because a spoiler alert, it's going to happen again. It's not funny, but it's so bad. And now when you explain it like that and it makes me less. The shit that we read about people's problems and how things go wrong for them, you don't have to. Okay. You're going to laugh anyway. Might as well just laugh.

You're right. Do I have to bring up those monks again? Those beheaded monks that you laugh so hard at. And I'm like, it's. I'd just read your review. Never mind. We finally got to the end of the stairs and entered the lobby, and the same woman but before is at the front. I tell her the malfunctioning far-left elevator is the only one that will open for us,

which is the one that trapped me earlier. And since there has been no communication in my room letting me know that elevator is fixed, I had to take the stairs so my daughter and I felt safe. She says, okay, she's going to tell someone to check it out. I am completely covered in sweat and deep. dehydrated and nearing a point of becoming delirious when all I'm trying to do is get my daughter to the pool on her birthday. And now she is completely scared of the elevator and does not want to take it. But I physically cannot do another 11 flights of stairs back up to the floor where the pool is without feeling like I am going to pass out.

We have already started to cut into her 45 minutes at this point. So she gives us a pool key and assures me the other elevators are fine. Knowing that my husband and son didn't have an issue, I would have heard from them by now if that was the case. I tell, he would have heard, hello? No, help. I tell Ruby, we need to do this to get to the pool, even though she doesn't want to. I'm coaxing Ruby the entire time we walk over to the lobby elevators,

reminding her the front desk woman said it's fine. We can trust her. She does not want to get in. And I hate to see her so reluctant to trust in the safety of an elevator because she enjoyed the experience of using an elevator prior to her witnessing what happened to me just one hour ago. We go over to the lobby elevators, and I press the button. The elevator on the far left opens and Ruby will knock it on it.

That is pretty crazy. It was all the way at the top. I know. Like 18th floor. They're like downstairs and they're like, weird. Let's try this. It's definitely going to be one of the other two. Now I would be questioning my like understanding of how elevators work at this point.

They are. At this point I'd be like, wait a second. Something's up or I don't know what I'm doing. Okay, well, just wait because I do want to know. Anyone has an explanation here, okay. I asked the front desk woman if she could come over to the elevators and just check that everything looks good, so my daughter feels safe enough to get on one that is not the far left choice. She comes over and presses the button and says things look good and the middle one opens.

Oh, so the middle one opens. Okay. Huh. And we get inside of it with my daughter almost in tears. I really believed there was no way it would happen again. Oh, no. Can't make this shit up. I really believe there was no way it would happen again,

or I never, ever would have put her on that elevator. I promised her she is safe, reminds her she's about to get to play in the pool, finally, for her B-day. I pressed the 11th floor button, and the door closes shut. But this is where I wonder if she ever swiped her key. I haven't heard what happens. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I press the 11th floor button, and the door closes shut. We stand there silently, waiting for the elevator to start moving, and the floor numbers to change. We stand there in silence for the longest moments of my life

as they do not change as they should. Realization sinking in that it's happening again. It's happening again. And she just said it wouldn't happen. That must mean there is something very wrong. That means we are now potentially in a lot of danger now. Oh, shit. Okay. I wonder this kid's panicking.

You're standing next to her. Otherwise, why would they be telling a woman who has just had this frightening experience happen to her that it won't happen again. Why would they tell a frightened child to get on board if there was a question of whether what had happened earlier had been problem solved? Why would they allow us to assume that risk again when our emotional distress was at stake? This is how they treat their guests? They have no interest in making safety a priority. Is this even real? The number continues to not change. And then the elevator goes pitch black. Just like before. This is the moment I keep replaying over and over in my mind.

It's almost too much for me to bear when I think of the pressure inside my heart. Jesus Christ. I know. It's like really fucking intense. I mean, it's an annoying inconvenience. Like, the elevator hasn't moved. Not that I'm saying this isn't scary. I'm just saying, like, I feel like there's maybe a responsibility to, like, be a little more regulated when something like this happens and you're in.

Let's go on. It doesn't matter. You're on the ground floor, too, I think. I assume a lobby. Yes, they are on the lobby. Okay. It's almost too much for me to bear when I think of the pressure

inside my heart, body, and mind in that moment as I fully absorbed that what I just promised my daughter would not happen, it's happening. It's something that is terrifying to her on its own. Okay, but like as of like now, this isn't like a, like this just manifested. Yeah, this daughter was a huge fan of elevator. She loved the stuff.

Yeah. It was her favorite. It's something that's terrifying to her on its own, but also especially to me this moment because now I realize what happened earlier was not just a one-time thing that I can brush off as a lucky escape from a freak occurrence. The level that our fear reached right then was trauma. We had paid almost $300 to stay one night at this hotel,

and the experience we were going to walk away with was going to be this one. On my daughter's seventh birthday, when that light went out and complete darkness hit us, we both let out screams that... Alexander! Imagine you're the front desk person just walking back and it's been like 20 seconds in your... You're like, I'm glad I gave that girl a water bottle on her birthday

And then fucking screaming When that light went out and complete darkness hit us We both let out screams that were made of complete and utter panic So deafening that I still hear them in my mind And wince from the pain That's as if no one screamed but you, I mean, you two Like you're not, it's not like this elevator screeching at yet It's like, then maybe you shouldn't have screamed that loud

I know. At least you're not in there with a fucking vaudeville group like some of us. So true. I had no idea what's going to happen next. I had no idea if the elevator moved. I'm sorry. Like, I'm not trying to minimize the trauma. It's just so fucking, like, Jesus, holy shit.

I had no idea if the elevator had moved or hadn't moved. If anyone could hear our screams or not hear them, the darkness and the panic had taken normal senses away. But I did. They'd have my phone, so I called my husband. Oh, my God. And my 14-year-old son, Ryder, answered, I could barely speak. He's like, mom again. She's having another neurotic breakdown.

I can barely speak, but he does understand what is happening. Because they had been waiting for us on the 11th floor to get there, and then they heard my screams. So they are hitting the buttons. They heard them from the 11th floor. And I love him. She's like, I don't know if anyone heard me. Trust me, everyone, the 10 floors between you and up there,

it fucking heard you, it seems. Holy shit. They heard from that hot. Yeah, no wonder your ears are still ringing. That's crazy. I got a fucking air horn or something. To like, okay. Oh my God, here we go.

I can barely speak. But he understands what's happening because they'd been waiting for us on the 11th floor to get there. And they heard my screams. So they began hitting the buttons on the outside again, like before hoping this worked like it had. But they had no idea because this time we were on the first floor and they're on the 11, so they don't even know if we have or will come up to them since the last time the elevator didn't actually move anywhere. It just stayed on the same floor where he already was.

They had their own panicked experience at that moment that will stay with them forever. No, it won't. Like, this is what I'm saying. Ascribing trauma to other people is not cool. No, it won't. Like, it's not cool. Like, this is sounding familiar now that it's like, yeah, the way they were talking about the trauma. Like, everyone's traumatized.

Most of all me, but everyone else too. Like, I mean, let's let them decide that, okay? Hearing me and my daughter screaming and not knowing whether they could help, but trying to do whatever they could in those moments. Thank God they're pushing the 11th floor button did work. Our elevator arrived at the 11th floor somehow and opened. The numbers never changed. The lights never came on.

And we had no idea if we were moving until all of a sudden the doors open. And imagine they're in fetal position on the floor, or at least the mom is. The mom's in this corner, like, peeing. Like, I didn't know how long it would take. It's like two minutes later. She's like, I've already been torn her clothes off like Michael Scott in the woods. The numbers never changed. The lights never came on.

All of a sudden, we were just there with them on floor 11. My daughter was shaking and cold as we left the elevator. I'm so emotionally and physically drained. All I can do is hug my daughter. Tell her how sorry I am. I'm so utterly full of rage inside at the hotel and the front desk for doing this to us. I can't speak. So I asked Jason to call the front desk and tell them what happened.

I literally can't believe it. I can't find the words to express how angry I am in that moment. I would have assumed they heard our screaming. I have no idea how they couldn't have heard them. Jason calls to tell her it has happened again and that we are out now because he pushed the 11th floor button that somehow worked to get us up there. It makes no sense why the elevator would do this, and it makes even less sense why they wouldn't know about this malfunction and have it fixed immediately.

That is what really upsets me. How can a hotel not know how? how to properly diagnose a malfunctioning elevator the first time something like this happened. Well, I can assure you, it seems no building can do this because it feels like the elevators have very bizarre, strict, like... It's its own shit. Like the thing, I don't know. How is it an acceptable way to operate a business whose sole purpose is to provide comfort

and hospitality? We go over to the pool and try to make the best use of what time we have left in the water with just us for as a family. The one thing... Sorry, who else would be this? I know. Just us for. It's sort of like the, not the elevator ghost or something?

The darkness. What did you escape from? The screams from the inside of your head. The one thing she really wanted to do for her B-Day weekend. Now she's despondent. She takes a while to even want to get in the pool and has lost a desire to play. Jesus Christ. We love.

Hopefully not in general. Like it sounds like, it's so. I was like I became an adult that day. Right. When the elevator lights went out. Like I lost my innocent. Yeah. Jesus, yeah.

We left via the stairs, of course. So my final stairs count was 47 flights in two hours. That's a lot. To be fair, it was all down. Well, no. That one wasn't down. Yeah. Or was it?

They walked. Wait, what did they do? Yeah, was it all down. It was all down. Not that I'm not knocking it. I'm just saying it's different. It's different. My daughter told me she will never ride an elevator again.

And I told her I feel the same. The thought of getting into an elevator now creates a feeling of helpless anger in me that I will need to work through to get past over time. She told me later that evening when we got home, she thought she had gone blind when the lights went out. She said she thought her eyes were gone and that she would never see anything or anyone ever. How old is this child? Seven.

But like, why is your mother screaming? Exactly. It's like, I don't think a seven-year-old would be that panicked if it weren't for the panic that your parent is experienced. is showing so outwardly and so excessively, at least it sounds like to me. Why? Yeah. She told me later that evening she thought her eyes were gone and she would never see anything or anyone ever again.

She was sick and anxious all evening and into the night. She said Portland is a bad place. This is now entrained in her memory because of a careless hotel who did not place value in her safety on the most basic level. And that is a horrendously cruel way to all. operate a business. I shudder to think of what else may go on there if they're willing to put their guests in danger like this. This is a slippery slope here. Do you see like it just is like, what's in their basement? Who are they holding hostage down there? What's between floor 1 and 11 that no one's allowed to see? They did not offer us an apology or compensation whatsoever. I have only received a generic

email thanking us for being guests. I popped a blood vessel in my right eye yesterday afternoon while working on this email. I've never had a blood vessel burst in my eye before. Jesus. Sitting down and reliving this experience word by word has been damaging to my anxiety and stress level. You don't say. I have been caught up in the need to write this experience down so I can sort out my feelings

in print. This is helping me feel more situated and calm with how I will proceed from here. I will be seeing a doctor about my eye. It is a large... I don't mean that as like a negative comment. It was slight. Yeah, yeah. It's like, maybe look into that other stuff. Maybe some coping, like stress coping.

This is helping me feel more situated. I will see a doctor about my eye. It is a large burst that is unpleasant to look at, which is embarrassing and also scary for me to see on myself as a result of all my stress. I mean, it's like, whoa, what are you doing? Like, it sounds like any moment. Cycling on this, spinning on this. I work in a school office setting where I interact with people all day. So now I have to live with people seeing my below.

Lutty eye when I interact with them, and it is a constant and painful reminder what I went through with my daughter. I wasn't able to get anything done yesterday at home, which was my day off, because I was so upset I couldn't sleep and I can't stop thinking about my daughter and how scared we were and how angry I am for letting that front desk person lie to us and tell us to get on an elevator, which is a huge risk, while also coping with the fact that Ruby may now have a full-on phobia of elevators that could never go away for her, which makes me so angry. I've stayed home from work today too due to my eye bothering me and needing to rest it and I have extremely sore calves and feet from all the flights of stairs I had to do. I have not sat and worked on this email for

most of the last two days because this is fun for me or because I in any way want to be doing this. I have sat here and diligently retold the whole story of what happened to us at the hotel in Portland, Oregon on May 16 because it is not acceptable to treat your guests this way. Blah, blah, blah. Unsuspecting victims, spread awareness to the hotel guest market. Legal professionals. Wow. What happened to us deserves attention. Okay, blah, blah.

What happened to us? I will never leave me in a sudden hotel that was you're doing ultimately your responsibility to correct. End of review. Wow. What a journey. And for what? I'm sorry. I am sorry.

I'm sorry. No, that was the del. Jesus. All the physical scars that remained. The sore paths, the popped blood vessel. that will apparently stick with all of them for life. I just, it's like, it's stressful to me. Like, this is the kind of person where I'm like, well, someday I hope they come across my good old friend Michael Singer's book.

Because it's like, if you can't handle this, it's going to be so hard to handle. Yeah. We talk, at least not on the podcast, but we talked together about how we didn't learn how to regulate our emotions. And that's such a, you know, I'm sure, common thing. But as children, we didn't learn how to do that. We didn't know that was even. Yeah. No, it was not even a con.

No. For most, I think many of us. Many of you can probably relate to that. But yeah, so it is distressing to see people screaming bloody murder in the elevator. And that, yeah, imagine there was someone else with them. Yeah. Like, I would panic because I'd be like, oh, my God, what is happening? Did she have?

A heart attack? Right, yeah. Yeah, and the poor girl, like, thinking, like, what's happening? And thinking this is an appropriate response. Yeah. Oh, my God. To something like this. and especially when there's cell service.

Yeah. And the front desk is right there. And I think you do have a point about something that, like, not saying it's necessarily user error. But yeah, that is strange that it didn't happen to the husband and the son. Yeah. They somehow had a very normal. And apparently other guests, same thing. It's just that it, okay, it happened on two elevators.

I mean, I don't know. From two different floors. Yeah. It's weird. I mean, I really still, is there ever an elevator that when it's in neutral, the lights will turn off? Maybe. No, that's how I'm thinking there might be. Because when she mentions, oh, our hotel key was expired and I couldn't, and the lights went out.

But they opened when he pressed the floor. Like, that's what I'm like, I feel like it was that. But I don't want to, like, diminish this person. It's like serious. And blame them for something that we don't really know whose fault it is. Totally. But after hearing all that, I'm not exactly on their side. Because I think that the way they reacted was not appropriate to the situation.

I think I would recommend what you said, which is like maybe go see a professional. Talk to a professional about this because holy shit. What a response. And to have like so many days and hours of your life just wasted by this, you know. Yeah, by an inconvenience, which. It sucks. And conveniences can be scary sometimes, but it doesn't sound like it lasted that long. Yeah.

Like they didn't even say they were late for their pool thing. Like, I don't think. They didn't even mention anything. It cut into the time. Oh, it did cut. They said that. Okay. And then she never wanted to have fun again.

Oh, true, true, true. We'll never play again. We'll never ride an elevator again. The husband and the sun just hearing those screams. She loved elevators. She loved him so much. Oh. Oh my God.

She was applying to all these jobs already. Oh, my God. Brad was going to like take her on as an intern. So true. Yeah. The business is so up and down. Actually, it kind of just stays put. This one, yeah.

I feel sad. Oh, but then I will also say last thing, and this is not a review. So this was also sent in. And, oh, shoot, I think it was stuff who's on it. It was just like, I got stuck in an elevator today on a forum. And I just happened to notice that the top comment was by someone named Ruby. Oh, no. And it literally just says, ugh, one of my irrational fears.

And I was like, girl, what year was that? I should go back into it. I feel like the actual Ruby would not say it's irrational, though. But I'm saying, like, maybe she has a repressment. True. She's like, it's so weird. I have this strange thing. My ears start ringing whenever I think of a rational.

elevators. My mom appears in my mind's eye. And her eye is bloody. Always popping bloodbusters. Just screeching in my ear. Okay. Thank you all for listening so much. This was a weird one. Yeah, it was hot in here. So we're going to hang up. Not from the smut. That cooled it down a few degrees, which was nice. Let's go. Bye. See you. Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Sheeper. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borhees Wendell. of VW sound. Jesus.

Yeah, I think Sarah knows to cut this out, I hope. That's more for me. I'm directing myself. Oh, got it, got it. Okay. Yeah, so keep in that snapping bit. Okay. Yeah, I like that.

Yes, but not the rest of that. I think. The breast of that? All right. Well, put that in. Okay. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light,

and I was transatlant. And I was transported to another place. Pluto TV. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. The truth is ours. It's just so beautiful.

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