Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 392: Reviews of Shakespeare or Smut

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

Shakespeare coined that term hangy downy bits.Go to homechef.com/beachtoosandy for 50% OFF your first box and free dessert for life! Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch Calendars by going to myskylight.com/beach.Visit progressive.com and give the Name Your Price® tool a try. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/beachSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach, to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everyone, welcome to Beach, too, Sandy Water, Too, at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. I am the brother host. is Zandi. We're bringing some wild stuff to you today. We always tell patrons what the theme is, but not today.

Because today... They all guessed anyway. They all figured it out because they're so smart. They take after us, don't they? That's so true. It's rubbing off. I know. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

We're doing Smut versus Shakespeare today. Yes, meaning we will read each other a review of smut or a review of work by Shakespeare, and the other has to guess which one it is. If this sounds familiar and you're already like rolling your eyes, it's probably because it is familiar because we like to do shit like this. We do this with Twilight. We do it in our guest episodes now with our guests. Game. Sandy loves a game.

I love a game. He's good at it. I'm not. What happens when we do these like kind of gamified things is that Alexander actually does the game. And then I show up and I realize I've kind of not. I've brought stuff, but it's more like I found all this stuff in the pantry, not like, oh, I actually did something very curated. I don't feel like mine's curated, but not in a bad way. That's good.

It's hard to do that when it's smut versus Shakespeare. It's really hard. Like, I was trying to find ones and I was like, I either have to read three words from this. Yeah. A lot of mine are kind of short that, like, could work for either. I mean, last week I did read a review of Midsummer Night's Dream that just said no likey. And I feel like no likey could really be a hard one to figure out. It feels like a good crapshoot, which some of these are hard.

Not my cup of tea. Smut could be also. Anyway, sorry. So do you want to go first? Yeah. Yeah, I have one to start with. This is a one-star review. Did they really fuck in the dead daughter's bed? Skull emoji.

End of review. Oh, God. Now, what if I were to say both? Because I feel like... A smutty Shakespeare. Hey, I will say. I feel like some of Shakespeare's works. I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, all of the above, not in one.

I mean, more like, what if it were... Like, it feels like something that would happen in a modern-day smut and an old time. Yeah. Like a trope that the trope that expands past timelines. That's why I brought it. I was like, hmm. I'm going to guess Shakespeare. It is smut.

No, I thought for sure. I thought for sure because it's so vaguely historical sounding. Yeah. No, right? It feels like something that might have happened because it did. I'm sure of it. I mean, in Shakespeare specifically. Yeah.

I'm sure it happened in life too. I didn't want to think of it like that. But are you sure? Because how could you really be sure? This is how we'd have arguments. How could I be sure? Not in a good way, that's for sure. No good way.

Could I be sure about that happening? I know for sure because Ms. Corona made me read a book about the history of the Catholic Church. I mean, okay, there are you good. You could have just said Catholic Church. There's, yeah. But this is a review of Call Me Daddy. Oh, God.

And it says, I want him to be my first. I want him to be the one. I want him to be my everything. I didn't expect to spend my 18th birthday. stranded in the pouring rain with no way to make it home. I did. Who plans that? The difference, though, is Shakespeare would have been 14 years old.

It wouldn't have been 18. That's so true because it would have been half their lifespan. They would have been having, like, a midlife crisis at 14. Yes. She meets Nick. He treats me like a princess. Like the fragile little girl he saved from the cold. But I like him.

I like him like that. I've never liked anyone like that before. I don't like how we're talking like a middle schooler intentionally. And it's weird. This thing we have, it's like I can't decide how we're supposed to be what we are until he says the words, call me daddy. No. End of description. It's like I know what I knew already, but somehow I had lost the plot.

I've read like five, a lot of these, the smut ones. I've read five star and one star reviews and like so many things are polarizing, but these are just so, it's like some people are just fucking obsessed. We'll write four paragraphs about how good it was. And then people will write four paragraphs about how problematic and terrible it all is. It's like a civil war happening within the genre. Yeah. Yeah. It was a, I guess I'll say entertaining, but that feels.

Oh, Alexander, look, an angel number. I screenshot this last night at 1111. Oh, God. So this one's going to be extra good. This could have been this morning at 1111. Nobody knows. Oh, AM. Yep, that was today.

Okay. This is a three star review. This was sent in by Jess Modius. Among other heinous crimes committed. Oh. I'm so sorry. Among other heinous crimes committed, this is a disturbing copycat tale of Greek mythology.

End of review. Oh. Wow, that's good. The problem, the reason I kept laughing is because there's a lot in this review that I don't want to say, and I had to skip. Yeah. But it's... I'll tell you after.

Yeah, I figured. I mean, I will say, I scroll through a lot of smut. I didn't see much, like, that felt... Well, actually, I don't know. Hmm. Like, a lot of them were, like, call me daddy, which I don't think... Or, like, that one where they're fucking a door from our smud episode. It has to go back to Oedipus or something.

Oh, true. I mean, I know that's not Shakespeare or is it. I mean... Nobody really knows, which is pretty cool. Yeah, I'm going to say Shakespeare. That is true. That was correct. is a Midsummer Night's Dream.

Oh, okay. I believe, if I recall, or wait, it might be The Tempest. It doesn't matter. Okay, here's what it says. You'll find, if you're a Shakespeare head. You're going to hate this episode. Yeah, you're already gone, but you know what this is. It says, among other heinous crimes committed.

And then as I read it in my head, I kept thinking, what if this was smut? And it says, barbarian princes, copycating, disturbing tales of Greek mythology, brutally maiming Roman general's daughter to prevent her from identifying her assailants. And that's the end of the review. And I was like, well, it just feels not helpful to me, whether it's smut or Shakespeare. Yeah. I mean, me neither, but I guess correctly. So I got lucky. But you got it. So wow. Okay. Yeah. Sometimes these reviews are like, maybe I should read Shakespeare. And then I like read a page. I'm like, why am I reading this? So the people who have absolutely

solidified the fact that we will never read Shakespeare, who have sealed our future are the people who have so kindly told us we better read Shakespeare. And I've said to them, in my mind, you know that's not happening, right? It's not happening. Because the more you tell me to do it, the less I'm going to do it. I'm so sorry, you've sealed my fate. Yeah. This one was sent in by Donica.

It's a three-star review. There's literally a whole part in which a guy complains about his dog pissing on everything. End of review. Ooh, well, maybe that's, don't. It's my shame, you know. Maybe that's someone's thing. Some sort of, yeah. Some sort of voyeuristic kink thing.

I don't know. Just a piss thing. It's just a piss thing. The dog being involved. That part. But. But? When you got monsters, it's smart all over the place.

Where do we draw the line anyway? I'd like to think dogs are on the other side of the line. Well, the dog's just peeing. There's some weird shit. Nobody said anything beyond the dog peeing except for me. But it's on everything. On everything. If you're kind of like an astute reader like we are and have, know how to like have good reading comprehension.

You'll get there, folks. Just keep listening to us. and somehow that will help. Yeah, do as we say. Yeah, it'll rub off on you. Got to stop saying rub off on you during a smut-related episode. I'm going to guess. Can you say it one more time?

There's literally a whole part in which a guy complains about his dog pissing on everything. It's got to be smut. Shakespeare. No, are you kidding? I was thinking like, yeah, that sounds like something that would really dampen your... Dampen. Your hydrangeous. Like your mood when you're really.

reading smut. Like we're going to like, what the fuck, where did this come from? Totally, that's what it feels like. But it is, it actually says a whole monologue in which a guy, but I left that out. Very sneaky. It was of the two gentlemen of Verona. It says in iambic pentameter, no less. Probably, yes. Oh my God, the arguments, people having on good reason read it about iambic pentameter,

I'm like, give me a break. Like, if you didn't appreciate this in college, you're not going to start appreciating it when you're arguing with someone on Reddit in your fore. Sorry. Like, you're not going to get convinced by somebody on Red. Anyway, it's just so crazy to me. Okay, here's a review, Zandi. It goes like this.

A little Halloween reading material for a short, creepy story. It was surprisingly well written and erotic. Oh, okay. Well, I feel like you're trying to trick me, but then I'm like you're trying to trick me doubly. I think I am doing one of those, but I'm not sure which one. Because, yeah, a short, quick Halloween read

does not feel like Shakespeare. But what do I know about Shakespeare? Does it feel like smut? I guess. It could be. Could be. I did see a lot of Halloween smut, so I'm going to say smut. You're right.

It was Come for Bigfoot. Oh, of course. Number one. Which doesn't feel like Halloween to me. That's why I was a little bit like, what are you talking about? But okay, I mean, I guess if you're like, it's Halloween, 2013. You'll see how much I've abridged. Oh, my God.

Because it gives the entire plot of what happens in Comfer. Bigfoot number one. Oh, this is the first one. I just want to read the rest of the review here. Please. This is called three and a half disturbingly erotic stars. A little Halloween reading material. For a short, erotic, creepy story, it was surprisingly well written.

Overall, this wasn't too bad, and there are more books after this one that will continue on with the story. After I got done reading this book, my son turned on the TV, and what does he start to watch? Finding Bigfoot. No. I had a good laugh, and he looked at me like I was crazy. Go figure. L-O-L. End of review.

Oh, dear. So, yeah, I mean, just so everyone knows, the guys are out looking for firewood. Bigfoot takes the girls and has his hairy way with them. Oh, dear God. We've discussed this before on the podcast, unfortunately. Oh, dear God. I'm trying to think of any of the Halloween ones I saw, but it was not, yeah, Bigfoot, that doesn't do it. It doesn't strike me as Halloween.

Like Mothman. There is Mothman. It's more crypted, too, though. I mean, I don't know. That's true. Yeah, you're right. You're right. A Bigfoot feels more just like wilderness to me than like Halloween.

Yeah. You know? Like if there was like headless horsemen. Right. Oh, you know. There will be some head. There will be some head, but not on the horsemen. Get me out of here.

Anyway, I have a review sentient by Stacy. This is a one-star review. We need to start reading Tony Morrison instead of this shite. And of review. That's smut. That's smut. It's not. It's McBeth.

It's McBeth. Oh my God. I was, I was like, this is a perfect, like, so good. So good. Like, I think we've said this before and things like that. It's a good thing to get these wrong, I think. Like, it might be bad, but I'm like, I'm like so in tune that I'm like, oh, yeah, that's smuttle, right? I feel like I'm the one who's bad at finding the reviews.

But anyway. Maybe, maybe. Maybe. Maybe both. Even though you're reading reviews, patrons sent in, so. Well, yeah, but they're specifically. for one of the other. I'm just picking them as like a game.

They didn't send it in for the game. No. They said it in separately. True. We should let them know about the game. They'd probably be better at it than I am. A couple emails did say like this might be good for the game. Yeah, now it's the intertook them.

Oh. Because I remembered them from last week and then they were already gone. Whoops. This. Oh, and by the way, I'm so sorry. That was from Elizabeth Sheeher, who actually wrote, I'm not sure if this is between you and us for Crypted Smut episode or for Valentine's Day. And I say, what about Halloween?

Could be that because apparently that's what it is. So now I went Roke. As you said, a lot of this was like, you know, submissions by listeners, patrons, people in the original inbox. But I decided to just start doing my own research. And this is where I got into big trouble because I typed in sexy Shakespeare reviews. And then I typed in Goodreads thinking, well, that'll lead me to where I need to go. Well, it led me somewhere. It led me to the case of the sexy Shakespearean series.

What? Yeah, this is exciting. Alexander, and it's also terrible. So what's the game? So this is where I said, I've sort of brought whatever I found in the pantry, which is that sometimes I was looking for things for the game, and instead I stumbled upon something that just has to be shared, whether it's a game or not, because this is sort of both.

It's Shakespearean, it's themed around Shakespeare, like. Yeah, okay, yeah. Here's a two-star review. Points for talking about Shakespearean identity theories and broadly grammatical writing, but nothing more. Daft plot. main character's alter ego is completely unbelievable, impossible to take this book seriously after the first time the main characters get together and one strips for the other. Quote, it was difficult to drag his eyes from his buns until Blaze leaned forward to...

No, not Blaze. Again. Again. Her husband's name, if that's not something we all know. It's happening again, and look how it's spelled. The same way. I-S-E. Not like the fireman in like episode two or whatever.

Six. Six. The fact, let me mind. It was difficult to drag his eyes from his buns until Blaze leaned forward to slide the denim down his legs and uncover the enticing gap between those buns. What? So who's looking, is Blaze looking at his own butt? While taking his jeans off? Because it was drag his eyes from him.

his buns. At first I was like, his hair style? I see why they're quoting this part because what the fuck is going on? It's not very Shakespearean. I'll tell to say that. I might rather read Shakespeare on this. They're gay. They're gay.

I forgot to mention that. I mean, that doesn't change my... It does because the prep is pronouns. His buns is hard for... They're both men. Yes, but it wasn't I couldn't keep my eyes. I had trouble. Can you read that sentence again?

It was difficult to drag his eyes from his buns. See? It wasn't drag my eyes from his buns. Drag his eyes from his buns. The gender is not my issue with that sentence. Like, Susan! Oh. It sounded like it was.

That's where I was coming from. Not because I was like, gay people don't exist. Like, look at me. Fucking A. What the hell? It was difficult to drag... That way that's worded. Uh-uh.

It was... This is a two-star review. So, I mean, it says broadly grammatical is one of the stars, but maybe not. I think I needed a sentence before to make it clear. It was difficult to drag his eyes from his buns until the place leaned forward to slide the denim down his legs.

And then he looked away? He's so mad at me right now, somewhere in the world. And uncovered the entire. It's a gap between those buns to say nothing of some hangy-downy bits that attracted Lou Ellen's gaze. I'm sorry, who the fuck is Lou Ellen? Is it Lou Ellen? Hey, my name's Lou? I thought there are two men.

Who's in this scene? Everything you say makes it so much more confusing for me. I don't know. Oh, I forgot straight people exist. Oh, that's what it is now. This scenario, I really need someone to sit me down. I was about to say, show me this, to explain what is going on in this scene. A shy history professor named Dr. Llewellyn Lewis.

Does that answer your question? Dr. Lloyd Lewis, who leads a double life as a flamboyant alter ego, Ramon Rondell. The fact there's an alter ego, this is me. I'm glad that wasn't included in the sentence. Talk about confusing. What does this have to do with Shakespeare? I think you've got to read it to find out, but so far, absolutely nothing.

What? Except the way they said hangy bits. Like, that sounds fucking... Shakespeare coined that term hanging downy bits. Dr. Luellen Lewis, who leads a double life as a flamboyant alter ego, Ramon Rondell. The plot follows Llewellyn as he investigates a theory that Edward DeVere was Shakespeare. Oh, so this is my gay professor. Oh, yeah, that you had.

My professor who told me that Shakespeare was multiple people. Yeah, it's alter egos. A case that becomes a murder mystery when his patron is killed and his love interest, Blaze Arthur becomes the prime suspect. So one person has two first names. The other person has two last names. Yes. Was that a printing mistake?

And two identities. As does Shakespeare also. More than two. More than two. This is so confusing. You're right. Yeah, thank you. I love how you're like.

Like, it makes so much sense because of their day. I have to add something. His buns was also added. Bonds was part of the brackets around his buns. Uncover the enticing gap. I can't. Okay, I'm done. Bye, the end.

Oh, wait, hold on. He meets, hold on. Lou Ellen meets teaching assistant, Blaze Arthur, formally at an event held for wealthy socialite and DeVier, descendant of Edward DeVier, the 16th Earl of Oxford, who some believe was a real Shakespeare, including me, because that's what my professor told me. Anne wants to learn to prove that claim,

even though many have tried and failed, and she's willing to offer a hefty donation to the university if he succeeds. But now I need to know Blaze much better. The police believe Blaze is a murderer. Only the shy, stuttering professor who has won his heart can prove otherwise. Please tell me they didn't write in a stutter, like constantly.

Like, I don't know. Those bubba buns. And to make the name Blaze would be really evil. Do you know what Blaze means? It's literally patron saint of stutter. It literally means to stutter. Wait. Oh, I get it.

That's why. Does it really? Yeah. Blaze Arthur! Blaze was known as the name of Merlin's secretary. Oh, Merlin's involved in this? Arthurian legend. Now we're talking.

See, St. Blaze also is the patron saint of throat issues and stuff. I mean, I'm telling you. Don't say that when we're talking about. Oh, boy, oh, boyo. I am now in a phase of life that I call chaos management. It's basically me trying to get a handle on all of Leona's and mine and Blaze's many interests and trying to make sure we all remember where everyone is. Sometimes my interests too.

Actually, typically, you're involved as well. I didn't want to kind of bring you right in, but it's true. You're part of the problem. Thankfully, Skylight reached out, wanted to be a sponsor. I had used their calendar in the past, and it had been a while because Leonie was like a little smaller. But now using the Skylight calendar has made. made such a difference because who knew she'd be taking ice skating lessons. Well, now I need to know twice a week. She's had an ice skating lesson. I can't for the life of me remember it because

it doesn't feel like my own child would do something like that. No, it shocks me still. Yeah, but it has a little pink thing and it shows me when she's going. I mean, it really has helped a lot and she loves to check off like the chore list too. I mean, that's a game changer. Skylight calendar is designed to bring families together for more time. And that helps us spend more time together for family. This is all in one digital smart calendar syncs seamlessly with Google Calendar, Apple Calendar, Outlook, and more, giving you customizable views for daily, weekly, or monthly planning. Oh my God, birthday parties a galore. It's just all the stuff. Families are better when they're working together. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to MySkylight.com slash beach.

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This is from Kirstie. This is a one-star review. This book was ordered new, but had a large, unidentified brown stain on page 35. Oh, dear. Not what I would expect from a new book, very unhappy. End of review.

Oh, dear. And now I'm supposed to figure out. Oh, dear. I'm going to guess Shakespeare. Yep, Macbeth. Again. The Macbeth reviews get, like, wild. Do you know what they get?

They get filthy. Yeah, yeah. Pure filth. Pure filth. because what do you think Macbeth is? Imagine charting that with a giant brown stain, whatever it may be. That's the page that has a sex scene, though. That's not true.

That's when Lady Macbeth is not much of a lady anymore. She solves her throat issues. Your word's not mine. Okay, so I typed in Blaze Firefighter Smut because I thought, this can't be. I hadn't read the part about stuttering. I guess that has to be part of the reason. I actually weirdly like appreciate it, but it depends on how well. well it's done.

Especially if this is supposed to be like Shakespearean level. Yeah. Hey, no offense to this writer, but from what I've heard it is not Shakespearean level. Okay. That wasn't maybe the way I meant to put that. But I typed in this morning, Blaze, Firefighter Smut, because I thought, remember that. What was that story called? And the first link that comes up, Reddit are Beach 2 Sandy.

Oh, no. Again, I've sealed my fate left and right here because it says, looking for an episode, help. And it's somebody two years ago asking for the Blaze Firefighter episode. And then someone says it's episode six. And Christine freaks out because the firefighter's name is Blaze. It took me a really long time to actually find it. When that challenge was to find reviews that mentioned like people's like in real life's name, something like that we knew. Yes. It was to find, actually it was to find reviews of Smut mentioning Blaze's name. I think it was that specific. Okay. That sounds right. That sounds like something I would want to do.

And like this is getting even weirder because here's the descript. Now I'm just right now I'm just doing that challenge again. So it's right by aria Cole. It's called Underfire. No, let me just read this to you. Now this is weird because Blaise's middle name is Michael. Okay. Blaze Michaels has never met a fire. He couldn't tame. It's also spelled like mine. Then he met you. Or a woman who could cause a five alarm blaze in his heart. Oh. But the night he meets Brianna is a night that will leave permanent marks on both of them. them. Brianna wasn't looking for love.

In fact, all she was looking for was pyromaniacs banking. Just kidding. That was something we talked about back then. She was looking for her grumpy old cat before the building dissolved into ash around them. But when tall, dark, and heroic burst through her apartment to save her and her kitty from the flames. Oh, her kitten. She never dreams he would light a fire that could incinerate her soul. Warning.

Blazes a big, growly alpha male with the hero. complex. Saving Brianna isn't enough for him. He wants more than just in her bed. He wants her tied to him for life. Jesus. Okay. So that is that. That's another part of my hodgepodge. Your hodge, yes, yes. What do you call it? Potluck. This does not feel like a potluck. Well, I have a one-star review here. I'd give away a finger to go back to the person I was before I this book. End of review. Shakespeare, Macbeth. No. No, silly. This is skin of a sinner.

Don't do this. Yeah. Don't. Yeah. This is called instant karma. Yeah. What is it? What is it? What is it? No one tells you what to do when the boy who shattered your heart comes back to steal it. Oh, God. Roman Riviera was my everything once upon a time. I found my knight in shining armor in the form of a fellow foster kid. He protected me and promised to stand by my side forever. But Roman Riviera is a liar. He left me with monsters. Three years later, I found him in the middle of the night,

soaked in my family's blood, and carving his initials into my foster brother's skin. Hey, I'm pressing a new panic button. I had not read this yet. Hey, safe word. What's the safe word? I thought it would be fun to be like, oh, like, I'll save the link. You haven't read it yet?

No, so then I can read the descriptions, like, for the first time on here. Maybe this was a mistake. Okay, no, it wasn't. He tied me up and dragged me away from the life I had. made without him. I tried to run, but he chased me. I wanted to scream, but the sound never came out. He says that I'm never getting away from him. He says he's back for good. I don't believe him. Like, I'm confused. It's like, he says he'll leave. Well, okay, but you're trying to run away from him. What do you want? Dude, who the fuck knows?

Okay. Wait, is the main kid? There's no way. A lot of people were talking about how in Twilight, they say, like, I have the skin of a killer, right? Isn't that like a... Squilight. It's this. Oh, yeah, because she's like, oh, it's beautiful. And he's like, it's a skin of a killer. Yeah. He says, this is the skin of a killer, Bella.

The main character in this book is named Bella. I mean. So the comments were like, hmm, this feels on the nose. A weird coincidence. Yeah. And a Twilight fan writing smut, I don't believe it. That one, though, makes me think it's impossible. Wow.

I have a review here, an eight out of ten review. A good portrayal of sexual jealousy building up to a horrifying climax. So many of these characters are total dummies. End of review. Shakespeare. Yeah, it's a fellow. That means nothing to me, but... It's an eight out of ten of the great tragedies.

Somebody ranked them on Reddit. I saw sexual jealousy and climax and went, I guess this counts for the game. Yeah, I was like, oh, oh. As you can tell, I was overly distracted by all the... I'm just too good at the... this. Blase-themed smut out there. I was just having like, I was literally trying to get away from it.

And I felt like I just accidentally got tripped and fell more into it. Yeah. Yeah. This here is a one-star review. This book made me question if trees regret becoming paper. End of review. Smut. It is smut.

Thank God. Finally. And this person put it on their shelves on Goodreads as awful but can't look away. Shit so bad. A couple other things. That's what Kindle Unlimited is for. Yeah. No, true.

So many of people are like, at least it was free. They're like, this was horrible, but at least it was free. Not about this one specifically. It took eight seconds to download. This is of five brothers. Oh, God. Penelope Douglas. I can't.

Who's ready for the description? I'm not. One woman learns the secrets of the five Yeager brothers. On the other side of town in the dark glades under the rain, Macon is the oldest, 31, ex-Marine. I don't think I've ever seen him smile. Army is 28. Army?

It's actually the children of an MLM mom fluencer in Utah. No, they have three arms. What? They're just extra Army. I'm just kidding. They were like, oh, a third arm, Army it is. That would be so funny. Okay.

Army is 28, a single dad with the most beautiful green eyes. He has no idea who he is, if not a Yeager brother. He's so confused. He's like, who has my? That's so good. Iron will be in prison soon. What? You'd never think it to meet him.

He's a nice guy, actually. But he can't stop reacting to everything. Dallas is the one I hate. What? 21, cruel and selfish. He takes and then throws away whatever's left. And Trace is mine. Or he was for about two seconds.

What? No one can tame him for long. Not Trace. I bet Blaze could. Stop. Not your blaze, too. Only if he says a five-alarm blaze in his heart. Seems like the type.

Not that I ever wanted to. It was fun, but now I need to go home, back to my side of the tracks, away from the swamps in these men. These men live in the swamps. That's crazy. Because have you heard about that? Yeah, true. Their names were like ousted.

Oh, my God, is this, wow. Away from the swamps in these men to my parents' big house on my clean street where I'm never dirty or messy or hot. Oh. And I will. I'll leave the first thing tomorrow morning. I just want to crash on the couch tonight. Their house is dark and quiet.

On this filthy, slimy, moss-covered. With these toad people in the swamp. What's happening? I don't know. This feels like a very specific kink. I mean, so many of these are. Yeah. Everyone else is asleep, except for one.

He sees me crying and comes at me from behind. Ribbon. I let him wrap his arms around my body and hold me tightly. All three of them. All three of them. His fingers are in my hair. All 11. And he doesn't stop there.

I don't think it was Trace. Don't don't don't. I'm like, now I'm like, wait. It was a gator. I kind of want to gator. I kind of want to know who it is now. Well, good thing that Kindle Unlimited exists. Yeah, but like these books that seem so redidated.

ridiculous and so like the plot is there is very much an audience for it. So like I get it. Like people, not I get that there's an audience for it, but I get that like these, I wouldn't judge any of these authors. Well, some of them actually definitely. Never mind. But you know, like there's clearly reading all these reviews, there's clearly an audience. Nobody's doubting that. I hope you know that. So I feel like one person might be out there. Maybe, maybe, maybe. This was sent in by Hannah. and I have a review here. It is a five-star view.

Every emo 14-year-old's dream in bullet point form. Fall, okay, this is too obvious now. Fall in love with hot boy. Delete as appropriate. That your parents can't stand. Tender words and some sex. Got to find out what that's like. Oh.

Major tragic incident. that really wasn't your fault you were provoked. Everyone's mad at you. Die beautiful death and loved one's arms. Parents finally understand how much they cared about you and are so sorry they didn't treat you better when you were alive. So how did Shakespeare manage to turn this heap of crap, which even Zach Efron would think twice about,

into one of the most moving stories of all time? If you still need proof that he was a genius, look no further. End of review. Romeo and Juliet? Is that what this is? I mean... I just couldn't get over it. thought it was so poignant.

It kind of was. But honestly, I wasn't, I didn't think it was that obvious because, yeah, I was thinking until like, like, you kept going. There was a time when I was like, well, maybe before you said Shakespeare, but around that time where I was like, okay. But there was a moment where I was like, hmm. And again. Hot boy.

Like, there are things that I was like, hmm, I could see it being not Shakespeare. You know, and it probably has repeated itself in many other, um, blazing tropes. Shakespeare probably had a huge influence on Smy. So it's so poignant. He loved his smut. Sorry, all of them. They all loved their smut. Or maybe just one of them.

One of the Shakespeare authors was like... Oh my God, it gave them all the same, like, reputation. And the rest were like, fuck, like, this is going to be our legacy. And he said, fuck, that's a good one. I'll invent that word right now. No, I just did that. Roll the same. Whoa.

You're continuing the legacy? Oh, oh no. Here's a two-star review. They both collectively have the personalities of a single potato. Smut. It is. It has to be. I just, that feels like the critique I read over and over again about characters in stories

that are meant to titillate more than like be about the character. Yes, which, yeah. Yeah. Which I feel like you should expect sometimes. Kind of part of the story. I will say they said two and a half stars. So like at least they were like halfway into it. What was that for, by the way?

Oh, don't worry, you'll find out. Oh, no. King of wrath. She's the wife he never wanted, and the weakness he never saw coming. Coming. Wait, does it say, though? I was like, atalas, parentheses, brackets? Oh, God forbid.

Ruthless, meticulous, arrogant. Dante Russo thrives on control, both personally and professionally. The billionaire CEO never planned to marry until the threat of blackmail forces him into an engagement with a woman he barely knows. Oh, no. Vivian Lau, jewelry heiress, and daughter of his newest enemy. That sucks. Yeah, poor guy. Poor billionaire CEO.

Poor billionaire CEO. It doesn't matter how beautiful or charming she is. He'll do everything in his power to destroy the evidence and their betrothal. Whoa, whoa. I mean, if you're a billionaire, I feel like you can get away with pretty much anything. Everything in your power, yikes. There's only one problem. Now that he has her, he can't bring himself to let her go.

Elegant, ambitious, well-mannered. Vivian Lowe is the perfect. daughter and her family's ticket into the highest echelons of highest society. Marrying a blue butted, budded, marrying a blue, blue... He spreads his blue buns. Marrying a blue-blooded Russo means opening doors, not doors. No. That's that fucking door smut.

Not again. Opening doors that would otherwise remain closed to her new money family. Wait, her family has money too? Of course she's a jewelry heiress out in her keep the fuck-up. She is an heiress. Why are they saying? Because they're enemy billionaire. She wants to go from like really high up to like a little higher up.

It's called Romeo and Juliet. Got it, got it. While the rude elusive Dante isn't her idea of a dream partner, she agrees to their arranged marriage out of duty. Big whoop. I know. Craving his touch was never part of the plan. Neither was the worst thing she could possibly do.

Fall in love with her future husband. King of wrath is a steamy arranged marriage billionaire romance. Oh, wow. It includes explicit content. It's for billionaires who wanted an arranged marriage. and are really turned on by that. And only, that's exclusive audience. It includes explicit content and profanity,

recommended for mature listeners only. Oh my God, if it didn't, it would be so boring. Yeah. I'd say a lot of things in my life can get overwhelming. I get overwhelmed very easily, believe it? I don't even think it's that you get overwhelmed easily. I think it's just like there's so much sensory. I wouldn't put it all on you.

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What in the ebony darkness, Twilight Raven Way is this? The relationship between these characters is as stable as a one-legged stool, and the common sense with them cannot be found anywhere. Girl boss saw an old man stalking her and said, yes, this is the one, this one, climbing up my balcony at the crack of dawn, then proceeded to drink that liquid Zaza at a fake or death instead of just running away like any normal teenager would end of review. Okay, we obviously got there.

I was like at the start, I was like, hmm, I don't know. Oh, never mind. I figured I might as well just read the whole thing. I did enjoy that one. I like the girl boss saw an old man stalking her, an older man stalkinger and said, yep, this one, climbing up my balcony. Yep. Thank goodness.

There he is. Now I'm in. Message to all of you. Just climb my balcony. It's all you need to do. I mean, honestly, it would be impressed. Yeah. This is a five-star review sent in by Donica. What a beautiful gay fiasco.

The proportions of which only this author can pull off. Gay fiasco. This author is simply certifiably that bitch. T.M. End of review. That's a Shakespeare. Yes, it is. That's someone emailing us to read Shakespeare and us going, no. You can't make me.

Yeah, it says, what a beautiful gay fiasco. The proportions of. of which only Shakespeare can pull off. A hilariously irreverent play that is also a precise staging of desire and gender that thwarts all kinds of convention. Shakespeare was simply certifiably that bitch, T.M. Love it.

This is of 12th night. I want that person... And the other person who said, like, girl boss flew too close to the sun or whatever the fuck to have a conversation, because I think they'd have a really, like... Like, I would find it very engaging, that discussion. This was sent in by Jess Morius, and it is a one-star review.

Couldn't tell you a damn thing that happened in this before and after I started skimming. The writing was kind of like the mental equivalent of slippery wet noodles. IDK, if I'm making sense. But anyway, I wasn't feeling this at all. End of review. When you just said slippery wet noodles, I was like, did we have this before? I very well could have read this already. I feel like we had a conversation about slippery wet noodles.

But yeah, I don't remember which one it was from. news is if I did, it was in one of these topics. So you got to pick. Hmm. Shakespeare. Sure was. It was a Midsummer Night's Dream. Okay. Slippery Wet Nuddles.

I've got one here from Kirstie. This book was okay, but it's about a weird loony who always talks to himself. Overall, the book was a bit shocking, and the author can't write English properly. End of review. Oh, okay. I had an idea, now I'm thrown. I'm going to say Shakespeare. It is.

Yes. I was so thrown. But then I was like, this, it has to be. I read, here it's what I skipped. This book was okay, but it's about a weird loony who always talks to himself and then decides to shank his king just because his wife told him to. Overall, the book was a bit shocking. To be honest, Shakespeare can't write English properly. I appreciate the honesty reviewer.

And honestly, that's like when chat, GBT is like, and honestly, you're right to say that. It's like, wait, what? Okay. This was sent in by Hannah. Four stars. It was a decent love story and all, but it felt like it totally ripped off Twilight. I would have totally made them vampires,

but not like Twilight vampires because I'm more original. My vampires would be made of cereal, and their only vulnerability would be milk. What the fuck? Juliet would be Bella, but with bigger boobs. Then there would be a hoe down at the barn, and everyone would knife fight

and do secret vampire sex stuff, And then it would be tragic and beautiful all at once because I'm an artist to God damn it. End of review. This is Shakespeare. It is. I mean, they said Juliet. Yeah. But also.

It's a Romian Juliet. But it gets into, you know, kind of some Twilight themes. Kind of Twilight. It's like that's what the review. The whole thing talked about Twilight, basically. Oh, my God. Juliet would be Bella. Yeah, with both bigger boobs.

And the cereal with the milk as a weakness is so good. Talk about that again. That's what I would do. I feel like that, I hope that person wrote this. Oh, like I actually went through with the... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fingers crossed. I've won from Grapefruit Street. This is a one-star review. One star for the twink. End of review. Smut. Shakespeare. Oh, man.

The Tempest. One star for the twink that is Ariel. I don't know characters. So I didn't read it because I was working. you might somehow know that character. I don't know that, no. But yeah, so in case everyone's wondering which twink it was in Shakespeare. Thank you for giving me the credit to think that I would know anything about Shakespeare,

besides that it's not Shakespeare. Two and a half stars. This was sent in by Blue Sheer. Why did the Blue Woman leave her laptop open for three days and not even buy the lawnmower? Sorry, Blue sent this in? And about a blue woman? Yeah. And it could also be about blue buns.

Nobody knows. Yeah, which would be smut. But I'd like to think it's, I'm going to say smut. It's actually of Nomeo and Julia. Oh, okay, you got me good. You got me good. No, no, no. Sorry, it was a trick.

It was a trick. No, that counts. I should have known, Christina. As someone who has enjoyed Nomi and Juliet, it's been a long time. That's why I said it so fast because I was like, I don't know what this means. Surely you knew, but. I was talking to some people who were in. the play I'm in. And I brought up, I brought up, of course, Nomiun and Julia. And I was like,

oh yeah, I love that movie. And they were like, oh yeah, like me too. And they're like, they're like, they were like, yeah, I was like six when that came out. And I was like, I was a senior in high school. I was a grown ass and doll. I saw it with my friends in high school when that came out. We were probably in the same theater. Your parents were probably like shut those TV. It's so true. No, we were, we were fucking locked in. We were quiet and locked in the that. No question. Okay, I've got a one-star review. This was sent in by Donica. Great.

I would rather scrape out my own eyes with a rusty spoon than ever read this fuck-ass book again. I wanted to give it one and a half stars purely for the boss babe, but then she died? R. IP diva. End of review. Shakespeare. Yep. Romeo Juliet? Nope. Oh, what is it?

Mcbeth. Not again. Yep, it's so many. The weird, like, not that I, I mean, the Macbeth reviews were just so smut coded, RIPDiva. RIPD. Because I was like, I don't think smut usually contains characters killing themselves, but I could be wrong. You know, so that's why I said she died. I didn't say she, yeah, you're right.

And, like, it seems like a lot of times there are things happening in these smut stories that really don't seem relevant to the plot. And also don't turn anyone seemingly on. So I don't know. Sometimes I feel like maybe the author just gets a little excited. It goes on there. A little excited. Having read like multiple hundreds of reviews of smut books, I still get surprised when I read new books reviews or description. Yeah. Like I still am like, you know what?

I didn't think that would happen in a smut book. Still something. So what am I saying? Still something to be left to the imagination, unfortunately. Always. Which is so beautiful about humankind. That's like like exclusive to our beautiful. that you just can't, you can't understand the full depravity because it just keeps going.

Okay, three stars. Cute story, but I didn't fully love it. It's kind of bad when you're rooting for one of the main characters to end up with a side character instead of a shady main character. Oh, smart. That's right. Oh, really? Okay, I was like, oh, it might be Shakespeare. Well, you're also right, because it's of the case of the sexy Shakespeare.

No. I'm going to read this review because it's worth, worth read. So a cute story didn't fully love it. I didn't mind Blaze keeping secrets because Lou Ellen could tell something was not completely on the up and up there. But I didn't like how he apologized after the truth came out. Blaze made it about himself. Instead of actually being contrite, it felt so off. I also just never fell for the couple.

There isn't anything truly objectionable, but it felt pretty shallow and surface level. It really didn't seem... I don't know. Did you hear about the bum? The gap... What did they call it? I don't want to know. Yeah. below the surface with that one.

They went deep with it. Okay. I really didn't seem to get that deep. However, I think that's part of the formula for these types of cozy mysteries. The mystery aspect is pretty interesting, but I feel like the original question didn't get enough focus. There were a lot of complaints that there wasn't enough Shakespeare talk, which I found surprising for a smutty book.

Yeah. Especially one that seems to have thought through kind of a lot of the, like, details, but I don't know. Maybe I clearly haven't read it. I mean, if you title it that way, like you should know that you're getting some Shakespeare fan. in here. True. Like, they're not going to read it if they're not in, yeah, true point. There's also the whole Rondell thing.

That's the alter ego. That's the alter ego. Yes. How could I forget? There's also the whole Rondell thing, which doesn't get enough focus for me. The murder was pretty obvious, though the motive is a bit lackluster. It's like everything's just almost there, but never quite gets there. All that said, if you're in the right mood, this will be just what you're looking for. It's not bad. I just didn't love it. Now, here are some of the tags. I like Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, read in 2018, which I'm assuming means like boring. I guess. Mail, male, male, teacher professor, male, male, artist, photo writer, male male business owner, ebook.

Oh. Yep. Five likes. I'll do it. I have one sent him by Zoe here. This is a zero star review. God gave me eyes and I abused them. Forgive me, father.

Is this a priest that smut book? It could be. It's not of priests. Okay, it's of smut, though. Yes. It's got to be. Because like the talk about like, like the very Shakespearean way people talk about smut is specific to smut good reads reviews, I feel. Like the way people talk so poetically about wanting to like rip their brains out of their own skulls after reading something.

Yeah. Is like a league of its own. It's either like high schoolers who just read Shakespeare. Totally. Or it's smut that people found was pretty rough. Totally. More ways than one. This, the subtitle to it, it says,

Mating with Malows, an erotic, sentient candy romance. Not this again. Did I read something from this last time? You really don't remember. You read, like, I think, multiple things. Probably. Yeah. Well, here's the description again, just in case.

Cecilia Reynolds has hated sweets ever since she was a child, particularly those of the pastel Easter candy variety. This earns her teasing from her friends and colleagues due to the passionate nature of her vehemence. But can one chance? encounter with sentient marshmallow rabbit hunks change her mind about this aversion forever. The fact that you forgot you read this aloud to us. I mean, it's been on my mind, you know, so that I was like, so it might have been my own thinking or the podcast from the podcast.

They bleed together. And I think I mentioned this, but from what I read in a comment, I think they like come to life because of the microwave or something. Like they microwave because people microwave peeps. Okay. Remember we had this discussion because I said, I fit. pictured the original little chicken peeps, which I thought were the rabbit ones.

But they're the rabbit ones. And I remember thinking, who decided that? I feel like that's kind of, maybe it's in the writing itself. It sounds like I've also been thinking about that book since you talked about it. It seems like it. All right. Well, I have one here. And now I'm just kind of going off the rails and reading another review because this is the last one I have saved.

And it's of the case of the sexy Shakespearean because that's kind of just where I ended up crashing and burning. Yeah. I didn't even know this existed. I didn't see that. So I'm glad you brought this. I hate that when I Google it, though, or well, Google Shakespeare, or whatever I googled, Blaze smut. It's just like, beach too sandy, water too wet. I'm like, oh, no, now it's just going to get worse, okay?

I mean, I saw that Blaze does search that a lot. So I wonder how he feels. Maybe he hid that result. It said username, Christine Sousin. Where's that episode so I can re-listen. Four stars. I've put off writing this review because honestly, I feel kind of strange writing it

because I liked it more than I think it truly deserved. Mostly because I think Blaze ended up being a creepy creeper, and I just didn't like it. I mean, I know we were supposed to end up feeling positive towards Blaze and what was going on with him, but I really wasn't. I feel like he was a grown man with control over his destiny and what was going on with him really wasn't acceptable. I don't know.

No way. Instead, Llewellyn was the glory of the book with all his fun ways and his old. her ego. I would have been much happier if he had been able to end up with someone who I felt better about, and in fact, I felt so positive about him that I often forgot about Blaze. Llewellyn stole the show. Weirdly enough, even the mystery kept me going, which doesn't usually happen. So I like this book, but I feel like it was for the wrong reasons, and that the book didn't quite deserving, deserve it, leaving me feel wrong-footed. End of review.

Oh. It's kind of like a weirdly unsettling smut review. They're going too deep into this. Yeah. Again. Uh-oh. Too much. You know, I mean, it was a four-star review, but I just feel like they're having kind of like their own little crisis about it. Oh, yeah, no, clearly, yeah.

You can like a book for the wrong reason. That's okay. There's no wrong. I guess if you're like, you hate love. I don't know if that's what they're like, you know, you can kind of hate love something. I think I like the main character, but I didn't like the romance of it, which I guess in a smut book, like, but it sounds like you kind of did like some parts of it enough. Enough that it's four stars?

Maybe you're having a hard time understanding that about yourself. Except, yeah, accept your feelings, accept it. It's okay. It's okay to enjoy something like this. Yeah. Some of the smart, you might want to judge yourself a little bit. You might want to put up some guardrails for yourself. Or at least like certain parts of it.

Your ethics, your morals. Make sure you have your values clearly defined before you dive in. Yes, that's a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I recommend. I'm just going to read a review of the marshmallow one. Maybe.

Eating with mallows, mellow. I don't know how to say mallows. Malos. Because someone said something about mallow, instead of Netflix and chill, it's mallow and swallow. No. It didn't rhyme very well. And it's like pretty good. I mean, it's pretty bad.

Yep. Super bad. Here's a two-star review of it. Here I am supposed to be working and I'm reading a book about banging life-size peeps. Well, it looks like those chocolate cover. covered eggs aren't the only thing filled with marshmallow this year. I always thought that Charleston Chews were the most sexual candy option. Or those naughty sugar daddies.

Once I saw a girl put a lollipop in her butt and eat it. I don't know. It's all subjective. But I really find the most bizarre stuff on the internet. My brain is just destroyed nowadays with all the filthy stuff I watch on a daily basis. Crazy thing is that I enjoyed the writing here and the premise had me laughing for days. but the sex was so short. It was good and all, but just extremely brief.

Like, this was 21 pages and should have been 15 pages of sex, three of lead-up, and one page of self-reflection for our lead, C-C. Oh, and another page for some links to buy peeps on Amazon in bulk. It just makes sense that way. Fun read, but needed less stuff and more fluff. Did that pun work? End of review. Yeah? Kind of did.

I was into it. Kind of did. I feel like that was a well-reve-old. written review. I feel like this person has discovered a gift they have, which is, you know, maybe expanding upon this concept and making a more interactive guide for those who want to explore further. Like, links to the product. I mean, it sounds like they're going to create

like a whole course around this or like, the very least a master class. Oh, it would be masterful. All right. There's money in that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Passive income. Okay, okay. Yeah. You just get people, get those links going and, you know, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Money makes itself. Yeah.

Yeah, those referral links, for sure. They can put their job where all they do is, I like how they said, I'm supposed to be working. Instead I'm reading this book, I'm like, no, you're supposed to be working. Instead of your writing a review of a book that you read instead of working. It's actually worse than you thought. It's like another layer removed from getting distracted from work. That was good. And that's all I have.

Wow, very good. Alexander, we did it. We survived, is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Barely. Barely. But I'm also like, after reading so many of these reviews, we just need another smut episode. I know.

I think it would be really fun because, yeah, it was, I mean, I obviously veered very far into it. But like, man, we could have gone into some directions. Yeah. You could have really gone into some directions. I just scroll down the smut category on the reads. And holy fuck, dude, there's some wild shit. And I just like, whenever there was a cover that kind of like piqued my interest. Like there was one with a dragon that had two penises.

They weren't on the cover. How do you know then? Because I clicked on it when I saw a drag, it was like, it looked like those like classic romance covers. Like Fabio, you know, and a woman, whatever. And it was like this dragon, like romantic dragon with the woman in front, like holding each other or whatever. And then I clicked on it. And every review and tag was about double dick. But it said like, and it sounded familiar because this, because of this part.

You know, like as if in another smut episode we talked about this. specifically, and by we, I mean me, where it was saying, why give the dragon two dicks if there's no double penetration? Why were you drinking water at that exact moment? I watch you, and I'm like, what are you? What is she doing right now? The episode was over? It was.

I was safe. No, you weren't. What did you say? Wait, we talked about this before? I feel like there has been something where there were multiple. limbs or like a like a monster like tentacles or something with like and they were like why were they not double why was there no double penetration? They weren't using the appendages that were given to them by God.

And it's like why wouldn't you write that in like yes it's obvious but like that's what people want when they have a double dick dragon. God gave and there's no double penetration with that dragon. Exactly. Now you know why I spit my drink out? That's ridiculous. It's so ridiculous. That's fucking absurd.

Give the people what they want. Yeah. Get me out of here. I've said this before, but I feel like I need to write my own smut after reading all these reviews. I don't want that. Yeah, headless horseman. I would say nobody wants that, but you know they do and it makes me so upset. So stop it.

I don't want this. I'm going to think about it. Don't think about it. I'm going to think about it. Don't. I'm leaving. All righty, goodbye, everyone. Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zia.

Andy and Christine Cheaper. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borges-W. Sound. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place. Pluto TV! Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. The truth is our series.

It's just so beautiful. On Pluto TV, free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 NX files may cause excitement loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never.