Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 394: Reviews of Raising Cane's

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. I am the brother host, Zandi.

Today we're talking about chicken. Mm-hmm. We're talking about... The dead kind. The dead kind. Don't get excited, people. Don't get too excited. It's just breaded and fried.

Yes. It's called Raising Cains. Or is it called Raisin Cains? Because if it's called Raisin Cains, I've got an issue. I would say I've got a bone to pick. Yeah. But that writes itself. Excuse me?

Okay. It doesn't write itself. as much as I thought it did. Raisin canes is tough for me. A lot of people wrote raisin canes and I just kept reading raisins. Yeah, you do not like raisins. But like, why would you, like, in any chicken establishment, you don't want to associate raisins with the product.

I don't think. I don't think so either. I think that is no matter what, it's a disgusting combination. Unless you're my mom and you find like a recipe on the internet. From the 50s? When the internet first came out, just kidding. When, remember like all recipes and those kind of sites and mom would print them out, But she went through a phase where she's still in where she finds like the most obscure and strange looking recipes.

Yeah. I don't think she even does it on purpose. It's just what she's drawn to. A chicken raisin catchet. No, no, I really think she would put raisins in chicken. I do. That's the only person I know who. Inside the chicken.

Literally. It's like stuffed chicken. That's actually a type like, you know, when you do foie gras, you feed the chicken while it's alive. Like you feed it a bunch of raisins. Oh, dear Jesus. You feed it. And then they rehydrate. inside.

Oh, my God. And then you've got a chicken jelly. Oh, dear Jesus. Wow, we really set the mood for raisin canes. I'm not saying raisin. Now that you said that, it wouldn't have bothered me until you went on your fucking rant about raisins and raisins rehydrating inside of chickens.

I'm going to read a review. It's called. What's it called? Tell us all. Flog grape jelly. You know the inn in Tardom? It stands for raisin. I just realized that.

I'm going to read a review of Raising Gaines in Orlando, Florida. Okay. One star. After waiting 30 minutes in line to order, I experienced a rude lady taking my order. I get it. The Australian accent can be hard to understand. But it's still English. And English is in quotations.

So is it? Is it English or is it? English. I said two coax and she hears two toasts. Wait, two toasts? Yeah. Okay. Because they're known for their toast as well.

Are they? Yes. Did you read anything about this place? Unfortunately a lot, but somehow that never came up. I said two coax and she hears two toasts. So when reading the order back, I corrected her. Well, she starts rubbing her temples and rolling her eyes, that makes it all my problem and gets frustrated with my order.

Never again. The chicken without the sauce is plain and bland, no taste. And with staff like her, don't bother. End of review. You got hex to my baby. That sounds like she's like to do. It's terrifying. The idea of rubbing temples and like rolling your eyes,

it sounds like a DUI checkpoint thing that I would fail. Or like a Pentecostal, you know, church service. Oh, true. You know, and I feel like you may be like when it said, and she made it all my problem. I'm like, yeah, I think literally she like put something on you because that, you weren't even allowed to taste the chicken anymore. It was not even good. Australian, they were speaking in tongues.

Oh, that was the problem. That is explains. And it was working because of the whole temple rub. I mean, obviously. It was getting to her. Yeah, obviously. Wow. Who wouldn't, who wouldn't it get to?

True. Okay. So this is a review sent in by Melissa, she her. and it is of a raising canes. I really, I'll be honest, I think it's in New Mexico, not 100% sure. Came here because I saw this place on TikTok.

The food looked delicious. Saw a girl fill a whole Stanley cup with the cane sauce. I know. I guess on TikTok is what... Oh, yeah, proud. That sounds like a TikTok thing. Right. Okay.

Can you imagine that's what influences you to, like, go to her? Because I always think, who is watching this? And then I'm like, wait a minute. Who is it working? working on is even crazier. Right. Came here because I saw this place on TikTok. The food looked delicious.

Saw a girl fill a whole Stanley Cup with the cane sauce. So I went in my car and drove here to be sadly disappointed. I went into the driveway, which literally was so long that it reached the entrance of the shopping center. After seeing that long line, I just suppose I will get takeout inside bad decision. After the wedding. Wait. What? It does.

Yeah. After the wedding in the long line. I think they mean a waiting. After waiting in the long line. It does say after the wedding in the line, which I thought it must be a long line if they're having a wedding ceremony. After the waiting in the long line, which was also inside, which literally was so long they had to open the doors up and keep it open because the line was literally

so long. It must have been that Stanley advertising the sauce and the cup. Everyone was taking forever to fill their sauce. Oh my God. And they could have to keep refilling it. Yeah, yeah. What if it was in little packets? Like Taco Bell hot sauce?

That's nasty. One at a time. Nasty. I finally got to the ordering table. I asked the lady, which is the best menu option? First of all, ordering table is a while. This person, English might not be their first language or they're an alien. Or I guess both.

I think they're high schooler. Okay. I think they're high schooler based on not only the Stanley. Although that was the biggest clue. That was, yeah. See, that being their. algorithm. Yeah, the biggest clue. And not really, yeah, understanding how a restaurant works. Also, it's a driveway and they said ordering table. The like me emoji, whatever this thing is called,

also kind of looks like a me moji. A bit moji. I don't know what the fuck. That doesn't sound like, actually it looks like a Lego emoji. Oh. Is that a Gen Alpha? They're like profile pictures, what you're talking about. That's a Roblox. Okay. Oh. It's confirmed. It could be a, anywhere from like a middle schooler through high school probably. Yeah. I mean, I literally. Because you were saying me, Moji. I'm like, you are such a millennial.

Like, this is the most millennial shit. And then you showed me a Roblox character and it completely flipped. Guess who I would be for Halloween. What the fuck are you doing? That was terrifying. I thought it was going to work. It didn't. You didn't get it.

Stop doing it. What are you doing? I'm the Facebook. What's it called? I don't know. I don't know. The weird Facebook. It's horrible.

Avatar. Yeah, and it jumps out and waves at you. It sounds like you're talking of very specific one. Go to your mom's profile, Facebook profile. That's where you'll find it. Okay. So this is a Roblox. Yes.

Not a Lego or... Yeah. Well, I'm going to be honest, when you first started doing that weird wave thing, I thought it was a dress to impress reference. And then I realized you don't even know what Roblox is. So that would mean even less to you. It would not be crazy. That would have been if you were referencing a game in Roblox.

I know it's such deep cuts, but I never really like understood the basic premise. Yeah. I finally got to the ordering table. I asked the lady, which is the best menu option? Because I did not know it was my first time being here. I mean, you probably literally said all I saw was a girl fill up her Stanley cup with your sauce and now I'm here. So I don't know what you want. But okay.

She said, I don't know. and started having an attitude. I then told her, I'm sorry. And then I was taking a little bit of a couple minutes to look at the menu. She was trying to rush me and started yelling at me and cursing. I told her, I actually want the chicken fingers. You're like, I don't know what to get at Raising Cains. I told her, I actually want the chicken fingers because they'll sound good.

As soon as I said that, she had an attitude and went into the back and got a raw chicken finger and told me to get out. What the fuck is that? I started going to my car. I'm sadly disappointed in my first Raising Kane experience. Couldn't even eat the food. End of review. That was so ridiculous. I mean, it just, like, started off?

Start off what? Tell me. They mentioned driveways, weddings. It didn't start off good. That's for sure. Stop doing that. It's terrifying. Oh, man.

This is an ad for our YouTube videos, I guess. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because no one can see it. We have not described it once, so you just realized. This is a review of A Raising Cains in Cincinnati. One star. The food is okay, nothing special.

The issue is they charged my card 29 times. My bank said the error was on Cain's end. Corporate said they would get back to me. The store wouldn't give me the name of a manager or general manager. If I took $1,784 from a customer, I would at least give the victim the manager's name. Kind of sketchy treating people like that. End of review.

There's no manager here. 1,780. I'm picturing them putting that as like a tip. That's what it was. Oh yeah. They were like, let's just do a 250,000 percent tip real quick. Wow. 29 times.

And that's not even like when you see like, oh, somebody added a really big tip and scammed my card. Like, this just seems like an accident. Yes, yeah. I like that the bank was like, it's not our fault. Yeah. I would say obviously, but I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

You never know what those guys, those bankers. You never know. They love. Yeah, 29 times. Such a specific number. It is. I'm so glad they did the math for me. Yeah, well, it was like about $60 times 29.

Wow. So they had a big order, I guess. 29 times. But I saw multiple people say they spent six. $60 there. This is from Sean Heem, who says, here's a few reviews of the location in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, which is apparently a rich suburb of Albuquerque, according to Sean. And here's a one-star view by Ryan.

I thought you were doing research for once in your life. How dare you think I do research for this fucking show? Are you kidding me? One star by Ryan. When I go and order Keynes and hear the poor workers forced to say, chicken, chicken, chicken, what combo are you picking? It adds nothing to the atmosphere but a deep feeling of despair. Only equivalent to seeing a circus elephant whipped to perform.

Oh. The chicken's pretty good, though, in the review. Oh. I want to say there's no way, because that would be insane. Well, but I know Chick-fil-A has their rule. But it's nothing like that. It's my pleasure. I'm too vegan for this.

I don't fucking know. Like, I want to confidently say that's not a thing because that's fucking crazy. Chicken, chicken, chicken. I mean, wait. Chicken. With your fucking temples. They're speaking in tongues. That's the hex.

That's the hex. Chicken, chicken. And what? You can understand that when they're speaking? Are you picking? I mean, can you imagine that you have to say that in the drive-thru? Or maybe it's one of those pre-does that ever happen to you where you go through drive-thru and they're like, hey, would you like this today?

And you're like, no, thanks. And it's like, okay, what do you want? And I'm like, oh, that was a recording. Oh, you're not in a good mood. Sorry, I'm sorry I met the energy of the pre-recording instead of like your energy. I'll tone it down. Some friends and I years ago after a party, I was designated driver. So I don't really have an excuse for this one because I was sober.

But we went to a drive-thru and it was a Wendy's. And there was an automated thing that said something like, hi, what can I get for you? And then I said our order. And then there was nothing. And I waited and kept going, hello, hello. Turns out it was a close, but they had that stuff. What can I get for you?

Well, yeah. And then eventually I was like, maybe I should go around and test this instead of just sitting here for 10 minutes with a bunch of drunk people in my car yelling at me. And then we drove around again. And the same voice, same like intonation, everything was like, hi, what can I get for you? That's what the day you became vegan. So then 10 minutes later, I finally gave up. I tried again. And that's why your card was charged 29 times.

Every time you went around, they were like, 60 bucks. 60 bucks. I'm only slightly resentful that Rula did not exist back in the day when I was looking for a therapist because it is such a great service. Rula does things differently. They partner with over 100 insurance plans making the average co-pay for your therapy, just $15 per session. They help you find a therapist.

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You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. All right, we just went to a wedding. I was wearing my honey love shapewear underneath my dress. The blaze was telling me. He was telling you all about it. I mean, I say this every time we talk about Honey Love, but I wear it to every wedding because it, like, feels pretty and, like, elegant, but like unlike some shapewear that feels kind of meh underneath. But it also really works and it doesn't roll down, which is always my biggest flaw, my biggest flaw with shapewear. So I'm very thankful for Honey Love and always so excited when they come across my desk, so to speak.

Treat yourself to the most advanced bras and shapewear on the market. Use our exclusive link to save 20% off Honeylove at Honeylove.com slash Beach to Sandy. That's honeylove.com slash Beach to Sandy. After you check out, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Experience the new standard in comfort and support with Honeylove. I have one from Brooke of a location in Hampton, Virginia. One star.

I was super excited to try it. Had really high expectations after hearing people talk about it. Never again. disappointed. I would never eat here again. If I wanted unflavored chicken, I would have went to my white friend's house. End of review. Yeah, come on over. I've got plenty of that. With raisins. It's disgusting. Yeah, my mom makes a delicious raisin chicken casserole. Poor mom. I can almost promise you she's put chicken and raisins in the same dish. Actually, I would say... I feel like a salad has that. There is a salad out there.

No, crazins maybe. Crazons, maybe. I don't know. Okay. Maybe. You know what? I don't know. But either way, mom's cooking is amazing.

Let's go back to talking about. Yeah, your concoction, exactly. My sick. You're sick mine. Yeah. Jesus Christ. So, Sean sent this one in two, and he said, I think the two I'm linking below are married or something.

And the two separate reviews. So we'll see. Here's the first review. It's a doozy. This is by Van, and it's a one star. This was our first and last time at Raising Cains. Where do I begin? They're trying very hard to imitate chicks drive through

and failing miserably. The lady taking orders for the car in front of us was ungodly slow. Chick-fil-A is godly by nature, so I do understand that. Maybe that would be a tough place to be coming from... That's what they were saying chicks? When they said chicks, they were Chick-fil-A.

They did because they wrote C-H-I-K-A-S. Chicks. But doesn't Chick-Fillade have a C, H-I-C-K? Probably. They're trying very hard to imitate chicks drive-through and failing miserably. The lady taking orders for the car in front of us was ungodly slow. My husband was told, not asked, rather rudely from an employee that was just hanging around outside, not helping anyone or doing anything that looked useful. And she was scowling.

So my husband pulled up a literal foot because that's how much space was between us in the car in front. Now we're pulling up to order, and I notice that the car next to us is just sitting away back from the menus because the kid that is supposed to be taking his order is chatting to two employees that walked out of the restaurant. Seemed to just talk with the kid who was taking orders. As someone who worked in retail for over 20 years, it bugs me when employees just stand about. Really? You can't be doing something? I digress. So now we're ordering food, and my husband wants to share a six-piece tenders.

You only sauce these guys carry Is their house sauce, which is god awful. Ketchup and hot sauce. So if you don't like their hot sauce, you don't want to dip your tenders into ketchup, you have to eat them dry. Whatever, we ordered extra fries and an unsweetened tea, and we round the corner to get our food.

There's this lady with definitely not a smile on her face, and she's flapping her arm. The other one was used for chicken. What? It was fried up. Oh, my God. And he's served as chicken. And she's like, not this one too.

Yeah. Running away. Trying to fly away but can't because one of her fucking wings was clipped. Get ready. It's so dark. There's this lady with definitely not a, yeah, no kidding. Definitely not a smile on her fucking face.

She's been forced fed raisins all day. The manager to those other people's like, get her. Get her. Grab that wing. Grab that wing. Okay. So anyway, we turn the corner. There's this lady with definitely not a smile on her face.

And she's flapping her arm. Like she's trying to shake a bug off of it. Or unsure what to do. What? Why do you have to do anything? What I've learned is sometimes you have to sit in the discomfort, you know? Just really like let yourself feel it. Then she yells at us to pull forward, which we do.

And all the while she's flapping her arm like a lunatic. It's a chicken. Is this an escape chicken? I hope that's the husband's perspective. And all the while, she's flapping her arm like a lunatic. We stop a few feet from her and she flaps at us again. So my husband inches forward. They're playing chicken, literally.

Holy shit. So my husband inches forward until it looks like he's going to hit her. And then she flaps at us again. So we inches forward. And she tells us something about keeping the car is going through. So my husband goes to pull up some more because a car in front of us has gone. She says, no! No!

This is fine. And then she proceeds to scream, keep the line moving, over and over and starts flapping her arm at the cars behind us. This whole process, from ordering to getting food, is a wait, by the way, about 10 whole minutes. If you're looking for fast, go elsewhere. The only person who smiled the entire time

was the girl who brought our food. We made sure we had everything and we left. We saw the food was in a styrofoam box, so we decided to pull over and eat before the condensation from the styrofoam made everything soggy. That's why we don't use styber foam for food. Too late!

In the less than five minutes it took us to find a place to park and eat, the breading on the chicken was soggy. The fries were not soggy, but they also weren't crispy. Let's try this famous Southern tea without all the sugar. Except it wasn't unsweetened. It was so sweet. It made my head hurt. My husband couldn't drink it at all.

So now we had to eat soggy breaded, but somehow dry on the inside tenders without any drink or anything. He saw. So how's the food? Mid at best. My husband thought the chicken was good, aside from the soggy bread and parts, and he genuinely liked the fries. I, however, thought everything sucked.

You know, it's funny. You have the balls to open right next to Chick-fil-A and down the road from Popeye's, but you have neither the food quality nor the service to back up your boldness. I'm not saying you'll be out of business anytime soon, but I certainly will not recommend Raising Cain's as a place to get good chicken or a smile. I don't usually go to restaurants for a smile. I go for a good arm flap. Yeah, that.

Now I'm tempted. Yeah. I'm tempted. Oh, yeah. I'll read the next one later. Oh, okay. After this one, I'll read the hubby's version. We got to take a break from that experience.

That was a lot. It was a lot. Here's one sent in by Hope, she heard. This is of Raising Cains in Noblesville, Indiana. We stopped at Cains in Noblesville to get our lunch on December 9th, 2025. We stopped because we had eaten at a Cains in Ohio. The time was 1.30 p.m. Our check number was 2.055.

We ordered two three-finger combos. Is this a riddle? I feel like I'm supposed to be like answering an SAT question. Yeah. Yeah. So I hope you're writing things down. The fries were so cold and limp that you could not dip them in the ketchup. The bread was cold without a taste of being toasted. If you expect to please the customers, someone needs to pay attention to details. and an added attraction, there was a bird flying around the room.

Cool! And a number of times we were there, he pooped while flying through the room. What? I am sure the health department would not approve. $23 to eat in bird sanctuary? End of review. People pay a lot more to eat in a bird sanctuary. I was going to say, that would normally be quite lovely.

Good marketing. Whatever this review is doing to flip the situation verbally into a bird sanctuary, they think they're like insulting it, but actually that might be a good PR spin. And isn't it good luck to get pooped on? Absolutely. That's what I've heard. It is. Also, likely place for a bird to be where they cook up birds and serve them.

Oh my God. Why are you acting so surprised? Why are you acting like this is your problem when that bird is traumatized? Yeah. Have you even thought about from up there what it could see in those deep friars? True. It saw everything. It saw flapping.

It saw the flapping wing. And then it slowly stopped flapping. But it's great with the sauce. So I hear Chicken chicken Chicken what combo are You're gonna make me look that up Because I really want that to be true

I know it's not But I want it to be No I think it is Chicken chicken chicken It sounds like bloody Barry What combo Are you thinking Thinking?

Sorry If we say it again Something that terrible is going to happen Don't say it again Don't say it again A video comes up that says Malaysians try unique chicken What does that mean?

137,000 people have watched that video. They know what it means. The thumbnail is wild. They have someone who's completely green as if they're sick. Like green, green, like their face is a fucking green screen. Crazy. Unique chick. Also, there's apparently a hashtag with 378,000 views.

Hashtag chicken, chicken, what combo you pick in? This is a reference to some. I see dingus, dingus. There's a lot. Malaysians, you need chicken. That sentence sounds like a fucking sleeper agent phrase. Like, you never say that. You know, like you never say that sentence.

Yeah. This is a real catch phrase. No, I told you. Hot chicken, what you pick in? And then there's, hey, hey, hey, want some chicken today? From what? Hey, hi, ho, want some chicken to go? supposedly raising Cain's catchphrases.

Well, I fucking already told you that. I just can't believe it. Welcome to Cains where our chicken is Kung Fu Kicking. Hiya. Is this a franchise situation where, because that's the only explanation for all this nonsense, like that each of them are picking their own catchphrase. Like, that's ridiculous.

This isn't the Baton Rouge Louisiana subreddit. Oh, me, oh, my, boy. That's their next one. Cluck, cluck. What a fuck. Raisin Cain's is headquartered in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. So they're just trying whatever is going to stick and see. That's a test mark. That's the test mark.

They're just like throwing shit out there and see. That's all they do at corporate. All right. Well, this is a one-star review by the presumed husband of Van. And this is John Doe, is the name, a local guide, one-star. Both written a year ago, it says. After all the hype, what a let down. There's only one sauce, and it's mediocre.

Chicken is soggy and lackluster. Best thing were the fries. Most of the drive-thru staff were standing around talking, and when they did their job, it seemed to bother to be serving you. I guess good help is even harder to find today. First of all, that's not the saying. Second of all, that's not what it means. I guess good help is even harder to find today.

The woman in gray was absolutely insufferable, flapping her arms like she's guiding airplanes. Now with CFA next door Like they just can't say the normal name of it For some fucking reason Because they're hip with it That's right Now with CFA next door

And Popeyes down the road I won't see any reason To return to Raisin Cain's ever again Even Church's chicken is a better option End of review Wow Wow Blap in her arms

Like she's guiding an airplane Glad we got a little more context I mean I don't know if we got more context We just got the same thing but worded differently. Yeah, we just got more gobbledygook. At least we know that this couple communicates with one another. Not necessarily.

I mean, the way that they both used the word flapping, the way that they were talking about how they're those other place, same other places. Right, but who wrote the song about like, if you like Pena Coladas? Roy Orbison. Yeah, so if you are that Roy Orbison song. And you're like, oh, I wish I had someone who wrote reviews just like, I do.

I want to find that soul connection. Yeah. Whatever it takes, even though I'm in this committed partnership. And then you find that review and you're like, wow, this mirrors my own experience. And you meet up at a CFA driveway. And it's your way. It's van. Whoa.

I know. Do you think van drives a van? It was so romantic. I can't get over it. It was her all along. It's profound, isn't it? Yeah. It's just like Jimmy.

It's just like Jimmy Buffet said. And getting stuff. in driveways. There's a wedding for you. Just wait in this long line. What did they say the counter? The order desk? Yeah, I got out to the ordering table.

Ordering table. Ordering counter. You know what? I don't know. No, it was a table. It was a table. That's crazy. I love that. Ordering table.

I hope like that's something like that. I hope catches on and we change certain things like that. I don't. Ordering table is pretty good. It's not. At the wedding, we went to the other day, everyone was talking linen. They were. And Evan said, I love a linen in this.

And I said, I just, Christine, keep your mouth shut. And I really fought hard to not say it. But Blaze saw it in my eyes. And he said, you're thinking about quince, aren't you? And I said, I am. And then I immediately told everyone. And I said, do you want our promo code? And Blais said, that's enough now.

And then she pulled out all the business cards. And they fell everywhere. Our promo code for quince, yeah. Yeah, it's just a quince. You threw them up in the air for people to grab. They did not fall. Nobody grabbed them. They were like, well, they're missing out.

Yeah, they are missing out because Quince does have some really delightful linen pieces. With style starting at just $32. Yeah, that's the best part, by the way, in case you're wondering. They also have awesome denim. That's where I buy my jeans now. Their denim is soft and easy wear. They have these cotton sweaters that are perfect for layering, especially as like the weather dips and changes. I love having my little outfit rotations every season with Quince.

and they've made that like a really fun little side hobby for me to yell about at social events. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash beach two sandy for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's QINCE.com slash beach two sandy for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash beach two sandy. Blaze was telling me about your teeth when you sleep. I grind them.

Yeah. And he was telling me that. But he was singing the praises of a little something called Remy. Remy helps with teeth grinding. It's a custom mouth guard. It was super easy to have it made. I sent it out, came right back to me. I got a top and bottom one.

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Yeah, grinding-wise. So, yeah, I'm really thankful for Remy. It's a really cool service. And if you have any issues with night grinding, this is probably one of the best things I've found to help with that. Yeah, keep that grinding for the dance floor. Oh, good one. Protect your teeth with Remy by using Code Beach to get 50% off your new night guard with

Remy club, subscribe and save. That's 50% off at shop R-E-M-I.com slash Beach with Code Beach. Thank you, Remy, for sponsoring this episode. I have one from Lexi, she heard. This is Centerville, Ohio, Raising Cains. One Star by Cold James. First of all, let me say I have never had any issues with Cains before, and I rarely get it, probably once a year. But this time was a weird visit at night through the drive-thru.

The chicken was cold and not even good. Fries was cold and soggy. Only thing that was warm was the bread. I was hungry, so I still ate it. Also feel like they did something to the food. All works were white, and when I paid for the food, the guy runs off and says something to the other workers. Then when I got the food, everyone at the next window was looking. What?

And I heard someone say, did you do it? No. I'm thinking to myself, did you do what? I began having weird pains in my back and chest, as if they tried to put something in the chicken, such as cut up glass. Chicken, chicken, chicken. What combo are you baking? Did you do it? Did you hex him?

Yeah, and then everything tasted like broken glass. Cut up glass. What does that mean? I'm never eating at this place again. Please pray for me. Fast food is not always safe food. End of review. Wow.

Because classically, that's something you say. Fast food is safe food. Fast food is safe food. That's what mom always said. That is. Has she stuffed a fucking chicken with raisins? And then put it in a soup? Oh, no.

Yeah. That's how you prepare it. That's what it feels like. You mean it feels like that. It's just the vibe of it because it's just so bad. Raisin chicken soup. Yeah, it has to. For the soul.

Well. Well. That's a Chick-fil-A. That's a chick-fil-A. How dare you open up next door to pop-bice? You know what? I'm going to read another review sent in. This is a very quick.

one by Lexi of the same Centerville location. Three stars. Not all people made it out to be for sure. What? Alex Zinner? Yeah, they cooked them up. Yeah, no wonder they're all looking out the window.

Maybe they wrote in glass in the sandwich hell. And he just ate it. Did you do it? Did you write the message? To get us out of here. Get us out of here and then he just fucking ate it. There's no way.

James would miss this message in glass. Our savior. Embedded into the chicken or? Too late to know. He ate it. It's too late to know. It's not embedded in his fucking esophagus or like it. Does it still say, help me?

For sure. Yeah. That was an episode of house. It was for the x-ray, yeah. So the x-ray technician could see it. Actually, that's very criminal minds. And then they would find the people trapped in the chicken place. I was a TV writer.

So you have to believe me. It shows. It shows. You have to believe me. This was sent in by Charlie She-Hur who says, Christine, my birthday is June 5th. I also used to live in Germany, so I feel a kinship with you. Enjoy these insane reviews of my local Raisin Cains in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

And apparently one of them was submitted by Yahweh. Oh, my gosh. You can only imagine what this would say. No way. Yahweh. One star, if I could give this third world street food, no stars, I would. So $10 for three little two-ounce bits. of chicken substance that were mostly hot, soggy fried batter,

probably the worst and most rip-off fast food I have ever had since fast food was invented. And this is Yahweh, remember. That is Yahweh. Long time ago. Sounds about right. Included some previously frozen fries and piece of soggy white bread. The final judgment will, I mean, like, shit. Yeah.

The final judgment will be as unpleasant for the owners of this hellhole as my dinner was for me, but eternal. Much longer than it took me to take what was left after one bite to the garbage can in the garage, so would not make my house smell like rancid frying oil. End of review. That's where I'm like, are they doing this on purpose or not? That seemed really on purpose. And then they brought up their garage trash can.

And I'm like, is it got it? It'd like ruin the immersion, the Yahweh immersion. 100%. Yeah, so. I felt like I was at Chiross for a minute. Oh, fucking hate Chirost. You wonder I broke out in hives. Jesus, that was a terrible experience.

I had met my first boyfriend at Chirass. You did that purity pledge? and then told me all about it. What? Yeah, exactly. Why do I even know about it? Oh, no, he told me all about it. Sorry.

He asked for permission to do a purity pledge with you at Kairos. He reached out to me. It was so romantic. I learned how to skip a rock also. Oh, I heard that. Yeah. I mean, you didn't tell me. He told me.

Yeah, I know. At your purity pledge meeting. Pledge drive. That happened before, though, beforehand. He did want to update me on how. how well the purity pledge went. Oh, how well did it go? He said really well.

He said he was really into it. Super pure. So he said he's never felt more pure in his life after talking to you. Personally. Yeah. He's like, I don't have any temptation anymore after talking to her. I need you to know that, yeah. I mean, we watched Donnie Dark out again.

Wow. That would very much challenge your purity. Well. He had an awakening. Me too. I have one more. This is from Matt and Elise of a location in Boston. One star.

I ordered the chicken fingers, and they literally reeked of marijuana. I could not eat them. Yum. It was so disgusting inside, too. There was a bunch of wet paper towels on the ground, and somebody alerted an employee to which she responded, I don't get paid enough for this. Tables were covered with grime and other people's crumbs,

and it looked like it hadn't been cleaned in years. They also had no utensils? Don't get me wrong, their bread was so incredible. But do not order anything else. You will probably get a disease. End of review. Uh-oh. You'll get the bug for some of the grass.

Buh. See, what happens is you stand in there for a while. And then you're like, that's all you white bread actually sounds pretty tasty. That was my nickname in high school. That's right. What do we call? What do we?

Wet lid nick Who? Who? Wet lid nick, yeah. Yeah, I mean, if your chicken smells like marijuana and then you said that you didn't eat it, but then that the inside was gross too, I wonder whether you didn't eat it. I did not comprehend that sentence. Well, I... Can you repeat it?

Probably you can't, but... The answer is no. They said, I couldn't eat it. And then they said the inside was disgusting. Maybe they just picked it apart. They meant the inside of the restaurant where all the wet paper towels were on the ground. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah.

What's so gross about that? I don't know. At least you saw them and didn't slip on them. The chicken smelled like marijuana, but not the place, which is interesting. That is interesting. And I will say, they were not the only person to say that the chicken smelled like marijuana. You must be, like, really. Like, they could have opened the styrofoam and it smelled that way because whoever was, like, all of it smelled.

But I don't know. Maybe it's a styrofoam that smells because it's in that. They're hotboxing the chicken in the styrofoam. That's why we don't use styrofoam for our food. That's what Manson. Oh, yeah. I saw a lot of people complain about the styrofoam and how they're going to get cancer from it.

If you don't use styrofoam. Because it gives cancer. Meet me at Chick-fil-A and we'll get into dancing. I thought you were going to say, we'll pray it away. Oh, my God, yeah. We're praying tongues. Praise God.

This is a one-star view also sending by Charlie of the Colorado Springs, Colorado Raising Cains. It's a one-star view by Cindy. Music too loud. Food, good. Okay, Cindy sounds a little bit like a Neanderthal. Music too loud, food good. I sometimes do not come here to eat, even though I like the food, because the music is so loud, and it is not even a universally like type of music.

Oh. First of all, what does that mean? I think I know. Kenny G. It is the music for the young. Yeah, when I, oh, it's probably like Leonard Cohen and something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been huge on TikTok lately.

Sisters of mercy, yeah. Sisters. Someone's pouring cane sauce into their Stanley Cup. Sisters of mercy. It is music for the young. Yet when I eat here, I do not see young people. I see old people. I see old people.

I see couples. I see families. End of review. What? Sounds like Leonard Cohen lyrics. It does. Do you think he ever went to raisin canes? He probably had it sent out.

He probably sent out for it, you know. Yeah, he probably sent out for it. You're right. And then the styrofoam came and he said, what do I look like? A fucking loser? I'm not eating out of a styrofoam. He's like, the bread is probably all soggy.

He said, it smells like. The white boy soggy. Is that what my nickname was? White soggy bread What? Soggy white bread Soggy white bread This is the last one

I have Donica sent this in Raising Cains in Houston by Fox E Three stars Raising Cains is what my teachers Back in England used to do To the naughty boys on their bare bottoms Oh There's something rather disturbing about that, don't you think?

I mean, yeah, you bringing that up I never liked this location As much as the one on Westheimer near my house but I felt really bad recently when I was evacuating the hurricane, and I noticed their entire parking lot was a lake. Looks like they have recovered now, and you can get your late-night hot chicken fix as bland as it may be for dirty-cheap prices,

and I like the way even sell them by the single tender. Speaking of single and tender, I am both. End of review. Relatable. Single and tender. Oh, my gosh. Can we make that into a pin, though? Think about that.

I like that. Like a chicken tender pin, single and tender. Yeah, I think that's a great. Right idea. Write that down. It's so good. Somebody write that down. Insurance isn't one size fits all, and shopping for it shouldn't feel like squeezing into something that just doesn't fit. That's why drivers have enjoyed Progressives name your price tool for years. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they show you options that fit your budget. Enough hunting for discounts, trying to calculate rates, and tinkering with coverages.

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One thing I did is found reviews mentioning prices and then saw typically it was people who were angry about the price, so I figured why not just use those. Sounds good to me. So here's a review sitting by pickles she, she her of GameStop. 25% of $120 is about blank, end quote, the dude at the register. Just go to a different location. These people are kind of inbred. End of review. So 25% of $120 is about what?

So it's not the correct answer. I mean, I don't know. It's $30. Okay. I'm pretty sure. No. 15? 15?

10. What? 25% of 120 is about $10. The dude at the register. So that's insane. I felt they're just doing a bit. They're like, we'll give you $10. And they're like, yeah.

That's about right. Yeah. If you're looking at it. from like an approximate lens, you know? Like if we're doing the squiggle. When it comes down to like infinity, those are pretty close. When we're talking to relativity, like relativity. We always do talk about relativity.

And we do talk about relativity all the time. We are related. So here's a two-star review. And this is of a restaurant. And the title is maybe I should have stuck with a parma. It's a two-star review. Name that price. Blank dollars for a very small handful of calamari.

So small, in fact, that I thought I must have ordered an entree size in order. What? Oh, in error. That still doesn't make sense. I mean, like, I understand. It was so small they thought they ordered an entree of it? You know what? That doesn't make sense.

In my head, it was the price that was entree. Oh. I think that's probably what they meant. That maybe is what they meant. You're right. That does not make sense the way they put it. Blank dollars for a very small handful of calamari, so small in fact that I thought I must have ordered an entree size and error,

served with a soggy chips and a limp salad drizzled with a dressing that looked like gravy. I don't ordinarily return food, but I was so incensed at the price and lack of quality of this food that I could not accept it. I was offered a refund, which I gladly accepted. However, this meant sitting without a meal as my. My husband ate his. I chose not to order a different meal as the kitchen was close to closing for the evening. I'm like it wasn't your choice, but okay.

And I didn't believe the kitchen staff would appreciate having their cleanup and impending finish time interrupted. To be fair, my husband enjoyed his meal of ribs and wedges. All in all, though, a very disappointing Saturday night out. I did enjoy my McDonald's hamburger on the way home, though. Smiley face. $21. 26. Wow.

That's a lot. That is a lot. Here's a response from Chef T. Uh-oh. Thank you for your feedback, period. To my knowledge, our staffed at the very best at trying to rectify the issue. As you've mentioned, money was refunded and another meal was offered to you. You have chosen not to order another meal.

Kitchen will remain open until the last meal has been served up and customers are satisfied. Your rating is not warranted in this situation. Makes sense. I chose not to, well, you could have. True. And then also being like, oh, because I'm so nice to them. That's what's fucked up. That's fucked up.

You can't just say that as if you're a martyr when nobody asked you to do that. And you got a refund anyway. Right. Please. Zero dollars. True. Mm-hmm. It was a trick question.

All right. So this is actually the last one I have because it's a doozy. It's a little different. It's actually a post on Quora. Oh, classic. And I'd like to hear your take, your thoughts. So this is a part. Post by Mark Bulder's Bold Thought Report.

Wow. Is the name of his account. He's an author, educator, free market economics, TV, radio finance from 1988 to present. Yeah, I think I follow them on LinkedIn. Not on Quora, though? No. I don't not like Mark's Quora posts. Really?

I really don't. You might like this one. They're very, like, self-serving. It's just a lot. You're not wrong. Get ready. Years ago, I was going through the import decorating store, Pier 1. All right.

Just the idea that this is such a self-serving individual. I already like, or feel like this is a LinkedIn post. This is a fantastic. It's just so good. Years ago, I was going through the import decorating store Pier 1 and walked by one of those large spinning globes on display. Like a globe. Yeah, a globe.

The Earth. Like most any child, I guess I don't know why I spun it so hard. Oh, okay, it's relevant, spinning, okay. Maybe just to make sure it wasn't flat, but I digress. Oh. When I spun it as hard as I did, the natural gyroscope aspect of its design gave it the ability to torque one end of the globe's act. Tork?

Now that's cool. I can't believe that company Pier 1 went out of business. They're selling twerking globes. Yeah, what's that. Sounds like a sharper image thing. Does. Does, does Skymo. SkyMall?

SkyMall? SkyMall. SkyMall? SkyMall. RIP. When I spun it as hard as I did, the natural gyroscope aspects of its design gave it the ability to torque one end of the globe's axes up and out of the brass saddle.

The globe. Oh, no. And all its brass rings and hardware came crashing through the oak base and onto the stand's decorative spike below. I had thoroughly stabbed New Zealand right out of existence like a supervillain. Yeah, New Zealand already has issues with representation on maps. Oh. You'll see so many maps without New Zealand.

Really? Mm-hmm. It's a thing. What about globes? I kind of would be more surprised by a globe excluding New Zealand except clearly in this case. It seems to be at like a really precarious spot where it could just be wiped out. If there's a decorative spike underneath it. Totally. Totally.

Poised. It's poised to get stabbed and removed from the globe. Without hesitation, and especially with my children watching how I handled my dubious world event, I rolled the entire unit up to the front register and said, I broke it. I guess I own it. What do I owe you? The cashier didn't make me feel any better when they said that what I had done was unique.

And they had to go get the manager for guidance. The manager came back and said that what I had done was a first. I quipped that I couldn't be the only person that had ever broken something at Pier 1 imports. The manager said, no, of course not. But with that globe, you were the first person to come up here and offer to pay for it. Then they pointed out the destruction to New Guinea, Brazil, Saudi Arabia, and two places in China. It was obvious that I was not the first irresponsible dad. They told me not to worry about it and laughed it off.

They said they were... Oh, this is why they went out of business. business. Oh, because they laugh off. People are breaking shit and they're not charging for it. And their globes are their biggest earner. That's right, because they can twerk. Yes.

Yeah. They told me not to worry about it and laughed it off. They said they were so impressed with my honesty. They gave me a 20% off discount for other purchases. I thought that was a nice gesture, especially since it reinforced the honesty does pay message I was trying to teach my children. I love how it's just, you keep making the joke that this is why they go out of business. Yeah. And then it just keeps getting more, they're giving away 20% off.

car for something. For like breaking their shit. Yeah. Which is crazy. Yeah. And everyone read this review and went into their own pure ones to break the globe. Smash shit. And be honest about it. I want a coupon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where's my reward for telling on myself? Funny note. As we were being run up, I watched as the manager used a walking cane to sacrifice the already existing large hole in Brazil to push back out the meteorite crater that had befallen New Zealand. That's so crazy.

End of review. So is there a price in there? There is not. And I actually remembered that I was going to look up how much globes at Pier 1 cost. And I completely forgot. Well, I'm glad we had that review at least. Oh, wow. I've got some weird globes at Pier 1 imports.

Oh, dear God. Okay. Original price, what would you guess? I mean, the way they don't really care about it. $600. At the same time, I also don't know how much a globe normally is. I know. That's why it's a little bit strange. I'm going to guess $67.

$35. Okay. I almost said $35. And then I was like, no, there's no way that pure one is selling something for that cheap. Yes, they sell everything for very cheap. Oh, really? In my head, it's something that's everything's overpriced. No, everything's just very, like, kind of like.

I don't know if I've ever been to one. I went to one during the clearance sale. Hmm. It's very junky. So you're like, wow, everything was so cheap. I went during the clearance sale. It was so cheap that it was like, guys, it's just sad. Yeah, it's sad.

It's a clearance sale. It was. Because they were going out of business, I assume. They sell shit. Are they out of business? Yeah. Well, I mean, have I not made that very clear? I don't know.

You were kind of talking about them in present tense, so I got confused. No, they don't exist anymore. I, uh, yeah, I was just kind of junky stuff. I was fine. It was just like, it's like a home good style, like, you know, they sell like live, laugh, love. Oh, I'm in. Yeah, you'd be way into it. Good.

Well, I'm going to go check it out. Oh, wait, it's gone. I'm going to go. eBay sells now the globe for $80. I'm going to go find that globe on eBay. Is it the same one with a bunch of holes? Brazil's just like fucking smashed to bits. Yeah, because you keep sticking a cane in there.

Jesus Christ. Raising canes. Oh, my God. That's what it's been all about. Oh, my God. Now that we've come full circle, let's end this fucking shit show. That's what my teachers used to do. I thought you were going to say, that's what they say.

Let's end this. fucking shit show. Leave your bare bottom out of this. Never. That's so impure of you. Beach You Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Cheever. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borrehees-W-Swindle

of VW Sound. Pluto foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV. Where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic.

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They're free 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never. Hi, friends. It's Michelle Maros. Co-host of Life Happens with Barb and Michelle. If you're navigating change,

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