Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 396: Reviews of Energy Drinks

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

This stuff literally tastes like blue cheese and smells like cat piss.Donate to Smoking Werewolf Productions - Fright Film 2026! https://gofund.me/5766bf50dHead to talkiatry.com/beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code BEACHTOOSANDY See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach, Too Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hey, welcome to Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet. This is a podcast where we read the most ridiculous reviews most dramatically. We do ridiculous reviews. I'm your sister host, Christine. I'm Zandi, the brother. Zandi's tongue used to be too big for his mouth and sometimes. Jesus Christ.

Mom always says. Wink. But yeah, very true. Anyway. We've got lots of energy for this episode. We're doing energy drinks. You like that? Yeah, it was good.

But first, really quick, got a new project coming up, a film, very excited about it. This podcast episode is sponsored by a film that's coming up. I can't say too much. But despite that, I can take your money in the GoFundMe link below. Oh, good. What a good pitch. Anyway, let's move on to energy drinks. That was the pitch for real?

I give it a little pizzazz. I think I gave it the correct amount of pizzazz to not bother people. And they can get more info in the link, probably. Since when do you not want to bother people? Like, I thought that's what this whole point was. Yeah, but about what they're coming. to listen to. To get bothered about?

Yeah. Okay, fine. Can I go first? Yes. So this is from Lee, who says, I'm really sorry I had to take a break from terrorizing you guys because of school. It won't happen again. And I sure hope not because these are some bangers.

Oh, oh. Yeah. Not to be confused with anything that's an energy drink called bangers because I assume that exists. But I guess I meant the reviews are bangers. Got it. For the context of our show in a very, like, meta way, not for. So meta.

This is a one-star review by Robert. Pink lemonade is terrible. Ghost, make more of the iced tea lemonade. It's been sold out of months. Okay, first off, this pink lemonade doesn't taste anything like pink lemonade. It tastes like cough syrup. Yes, like the stuff you had to force down as a kid. Awful.

Second, I swear to God, Ghost, everyone just wants the iced tea lemonade flavor that you goobers can't seem to produce any more of. It's been sold out for months. It's a drink with chemicals and vitamins. Do your job. Imagine being a company that has the rare luck of creating a product that sells out, and you all just take your sweet time doing nothing instead of making more of it. So now instead your customers have to try your other drink flavors until you all decide to restock, and thus we stumble onto this flavor, which tastes like it was farted out of a lab chemical monster's bum.

It must be rocket science, huh? I get it. You guys must hate money. We have to make more of our iced tea lemonade flavor, but we hate money and it's so hard to make more. Oh, well, amazes me how this company can make one of the best tasting drinks one second and the absolute most horrendous vile taste, but ruin or known to man. End of review. Oh, I'm terrified of this person.

If I were big ghost, I would make this flavor available immediately. So I love this because it's like they're like not. understanding, like, you're chomping at the bit for this stuff. I could tell. You could swear off ghost for the rest of your life, but you know the moment they see a six-pack of that ghost flavor. They're picking that up and taking it home. Now they've created a toxic bond and forevermore, this will be a customer for life,

a begrudging customer. An on and off relationship with ghost. Big. Big ghost. So they don't like pink lemonade, but they want more of the iced tea lemonade? Correct. Okay, so an Arnold Palmer flavor? Yeah.

Oh, maybe they got sued by Big Arnold. Big Arnold. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Big Arnold was like, you don't get to do that, actually, actually, no. Over my dead body, and they'd go, wait a minute. We are called ghost, so we'll just wait a few more. So there are golfers ghosts inside.

But one golfer's ghosts in each can. Is that way? Oh, they ran out. All these golfers keep mysteriously dying as a moment. And then they'll be like, here's a three pack. And everyone's like, why are they saying a three pack of ghost cans? Oh, because they have to wait for the golfers to die before they can. And deaths have famously happen in threes.

Right. Famously. Every time there's a tournament. Yeah. Three golfers die. Jesus Christ. I'm going to read a review of Monster Energy found on walmart.com. First time I tried it.

Yuck. But I sure needed the vitamins and minerals. Too bad I spilled it all over the floor. and the review. Pop, what happened? Pop, what did you do? It's actually Josephine. Joseph.

Meema! Which is the exact kind of name. Meema! That I would expect. And this is all caps, of course, if you couldn't tell. Obviously. Think about how sticky that keyboard is after that fucking disaster. That cap slacks is going to be...

She's stuck to the floor. Her feet are just stuck to the floor. She just needed her vitamins and minerals, so she picked up a can of monster, which is what you do when you need your vitamins and milk. Okay, by the way, remember the review I read also said, it's just a drink with vitamins. And I'm like, are you guys? I have never thought of energy drinks as a good source of vitamins, even though they have 600% of pretty much everything.

So I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't know if it's worth it. I don't think 600% can ever be a good thing. I don't think so. I feel like in the laws of physics in general, that can't be good. Yeah. Like, because everything has to rebound some way. I mean, my P, when I have an excess of vitamin B12, which is often because I take my daily multivitam.

Sorry, my daily monster energy. Yeah, I was going to say, make sure you brand it. Yeah, my P turns pretty, pretty, pretty. Pretty pretty? Pretty pretty. I doubt that. I doubt that. And so I wonder what all of 600% of everything does.

Makes it green coming out. That's probably what happens. What? I had to tell people what I was thinking. You can't say that. I just did. Okay, this is a review of Sunnyside Espresso. And this was also sent in by Lee.

This is on Yelp, and it's an actual location of a juice bar, espresso bar, like, smoothie coffee shop type thing. Sunnyside Espresso, one star by Josh. Just left after asking about their blended red bowls and was told the too popular. asked if they had a milk or yogurt base for it, was told it was special and could not be told. Wait. I haven't gotten over the milk-based Red Bull drink. You'll never get over it.

But I love the taste of Red Bull and having it in like a milkshakey form. I wouldn't say no. I wouldn't say no. Except you're vegan. Asked if they had a milk or yogurt base was told it was. was special and could not be told. After ordering two moonlight red bulls and receiving them, we attempted to try. And they definitely were mixed with a base. So we asked her to toss them and exchange them for water. We're offered no refund or another drink while waiting for our bagels.

Also with the COVID, sorry, this is from May 2020. Oh, fuck. Also with the COVID, they are still packaging cream cheese as they help and take. What? I don't know, man. I can only say a moonlight red bull blended with yogurt is perhaps hell. I try it. I try it. Here's a one-star review of Monster Energy from Walmart.com.

Oh, good. They packed like 25 cans of green beans with my order. We are picking them out and going through them for 15 minutes. I feel like the most Walmart thing I've ever did here. I know. Here, have some green beans. The 10 cans of green, 25 cans. Maybe that's how they get the minerals in.

Oh, my God, that's what it is. It's all those canned green beans you're supposed to eat alongside it. They're like, make your own monster energy. Put all these green beans in a blender. Just a little cheesecloth. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, so this was also from Lee.

It's a cruise critic.com. forum. And I'm just going to read a few the comments. Okay, the original poster said something about is cut off, but said something about coffee and cap, like cappuccino. Okay. I, however, would have a monster every day. I may have to take my own if they don't have any, so they're asking if they serve monster energy on the cruise. Now, Blue Jackets fan won, responded. That's me. It might, it literally might be. Okay. They do sell Red Bull on the ships. The price I saw on a posting was $4.75. Now, this is the year of our Lord 2009. I imagine that number has at least tripled by now. Jeez, I was like, that's a lot. That seems like a lot. Under five bucks. Like, you don't get a water

bottle for under five bucks. I feel like you can get like, speedway, like two for five Red Bulls. Maybe I'm making that out. But that's a speedway. Not on a cruise. Oh, I say. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just like, man, that seems high. And then you told me it was back then. I'm like, yikes. Okay, well, guess what? You shouldn't say yikes. You should say what McLeod said, which was, eke. 475 for a Red Bull. They nasty when not mixed with Yeagermeister. Looks as if I will be dragging all my monsters on board.

Parentheses threat, is how I read that. Very threatening. Traveler 353 responds. Or you could just mix a cup of sugar, a couple of caffeine pills, and some food coloring in a glass of water, and enjoy. I fucking hate people who'd say shit like that. Oh, okay. Period. immediately followed by a colon P.

Like a... Yeah, the colon P, there should at least be a space after the period. Yeah, which is meant to say, no offense, except I just fucking was so rude to you. That was just rude. It was just fucking rude. Or you could just mix a cup of sugar,

a couple of caffeine pills. I feel like that would be more expensive, like way more expensive than $4.75. And maybe slightly less tasty. Just slightly. Maybe. Just a little bit, but what do I know? Into a glass and food coloring.

What do you think is in? Okay, I'm done. I'm done. Thank you, Lee, for ruining my day. Yeah, and guess what? Missing, didn't mention all the vitamins and minerals. Great point. How am I supposed to find vitamins and minerals?

On a cruise ship. I mean, really. Yeah. I guess maybe it's in the Yeagermeister. Yum. That's what I had most on my 21st birthday. How did that go, by the way? How did that end for you?

I had a great time that night until I threw up everywhere. Broke your phone? That was the next morning. Okay. That was the next morning. In a foreign country, too. Yeah. That made it even worse.

And better. And then I didn't have a phone for a while in multiple different foreign countries. I went to Poland. What the heck? How do I take pictures? There's no evidence of me in Poland. No one will ever know. That's why he says it because it's not.

true. I'm just making it all up. I was just in Canada. I'm here to tell the truth. Even though I have been to Poland with you before. So I guess technically I would be lying as well. I have a review of rock star energy on rate at all. What a nightmare waiting to happen. Believe it or not, there are a lot of things that don't have ratings. And then a lot of very specific things that have rate. It's a weird site. Yeah. I feel like we've discussed it before. We have. It was familiar to me. It feels like a Julio contribution. It does. Honestly, seems like a Stephanie thing. Yes, it does. Loves a forum. Loves a weird sight, and I love it too. Anyway, review of Rockstar. A very generic sort of energy drink with an unidentifiable aftertaste that rather confused me.

What is it supposed to taste like? Pineapple, possibly? Or some bastardization of citrus? Either way, the flavor is incredibly artificial. I certainly didn't party like a rock star after consuming the beverage. Where's my underage groupies and sweet at the Ritz Carlton? In fact, rock star didn't make me feel any pepier than a bottle of Mountain Dew would. All in all, a rather disappointing experience.

End of review. What in the world? I don't know. Like what? This was written in 2007, so I'm like, what the... Maybe they really thought... What the hell were the ads back then, maybe? Maybe they really thought, like,

CGI was real or something. Like, I'm trying to understand like what they could have seen that made them think this would be such an elevated experience compared to a Mountain Dew. There was that Pepsi thing where Pepsi promised if you got a certain number of like tabs or whatever you could get an

Apache helicopter or something or they said that on there. And then someone got that many and then they were like, hey Pepsi you owe me this. And there's a whole legal battle about it. I think that was halfway accurate. Sort of like what Elon musted with. like world hunger where he was like, oh, that world hunger. No, thanks. Oh, Pepsi is Elon Musk. Yeah, in this scenario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they had a commercial. It was like meant to be a bit.

So I realized I left that context out where like a helicopter lands and it's like a ridiculous number of tabs. I thought like they genuinely promised in a pamphlet or something. No, it was like it was like meant to be. So they were like, oh, this is like a satire parody or whatever. There was a whole back and forth about it. I don't know how it ended up. There's a documentary about it. I know how it ended up. He's right up there in his helicopter. Elon Musk? Yeah, that's how he became famous. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

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That's Nutraful.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com promo code Beach to Sandy. This episode is sponsored by Talk Chiatri. I think this is the coolest service because, you know, therapy can help and does help and is a wonderful tool. But sometimes it's not the whole answer. And that's why Talk Hyatry kind of fills in that space. They give you access to real psychiatric care with licensed clinicians who can diagnose and prescribe medication if it is right for you. It's a simple way to get treatment from home. Think about, I mean, don't think about it because seriously, we don't need that.

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if it's appropriate. All 800-plus clinicians are in network with major insurers so you can use your existing insurance instead of paying monthly subscriptions or out-of-network costs, and that is huge. Head to talkhytri.com slash beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's tachiatry.com slash beach to get matched in minutes. Okay, this is from Maddie Sheher, who says, I'm a Celsius addict. I always got to have my Celsius, Maddie. Really, I can't with you.

Yeah, like a Celsius. I don't think there's an energy drink I met that I haven't liked. I don't think there's one I've met that I do like. I believe that. I don't mind a Red Bull. But I'm, wait, I am with that review, though. Like, what is the flavor? That's what kind of bothers me is.

is I wish there were a discernible, like, thing I could point to and say it has this. Because it's like an essence of something, and I'm like, what is it? To me, Red Bull tastes like Red Bull at this. Exactly. And I have associated it so much that I'm like, that's it. Like, it's a Red Bull is its own flavor. Like, I don't need to. And I don't mind that, but something about it, like, I'm always like, I wish I had like a, like, a kind of like something.

I'm also really bad at doing that anyway. So I feel like that's just my norm because I'm not good at flavors or smells. It's like grounding for me. My senses aren't great. Wouldn't be the first thing. That's not great about you. I think we got it when you... I wasn't sure.

Okay. The laughter was really quiet, so... Well, yeah, you hurt my feelings. I'm sorry. Here's a review of Celsius. Celsi. One star by Margarita. Interesting.

Flavor name, Dragonberry. Verified purchase. Thank you. I can't have these no more. I'm lurgic. It raises my heart. End of review. Is that the only thing that makes you think you're allergic?

I'm lurgic. It raises my heart. Thank you, though. Oh, thanks. Thanks anyway. Unfortunately, this was a pack of 12 she bought. That does kind of suck. 16 fluid ounce pack of 12, dragonberry.

Maybe they drank them all at once, all 12 in one sitting. I would say most people... That raises my heart. If raising your heart is the part that makes you... allergic, I think most, I think everyone's allergic to it. I bet this reviewer is allergic to love then. She and I got that income that I gotta have my Celsius. It's too bad you're allergic.

Lurgy. I wouldn't be so cool. I like that. Like when you said, I was like, it sounds normal. Like, it sounds like not. I'm lurgic. It sounds like an Appalachian way of saying. No, exactly.

That's what I was thinking. Non-derogatory, of course. Non-derogatory. Okay. I just watched that video again of the Appalachian slang. Yes. I watched that. multiple times a year. It's so good. It's so good. And it needs a refresher every now. And then

then you watch it and then you remind me. Yeah. And I still haven't like really been an experience. Like, I don't know, I want to, I want to have an Appalachian, I don't know, trip. It's my dream. And also, we did go on my birthday last year, but we didn't really get much time to explore. And also, that's what I wanted was to go down to Appalachian area. But you're right. It's not necessarily a dedicated Appalachian trip. Exactly. I will say I'm working on a horror story. set in Appalachia. And so I have vague plans to go do, like, research on the ground. I would love to join you. Let's go to Appalachia. Make sure you memorize all your poke and...

There's a horror book set in Appalachia called The Woods All Black. And it's good. Ooh, see, I love that. I recommend that. I'm going to read. Well, I've got to read it now. Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah. Okay. Is it your turn? Yeah, I think so. Here is another rock star energy review.

this stuff is awesome at messing you up. I mean, I was stupid enough to find some cardboard-looking stuff behind a building being constructed, and me and my friend, he had a rock star too, body slammed each other in the stuff. Come to figure, we were fighting in fiberglass. I think it's got some serious touring in it, L-O-L, but tastes like crap. Get my rating. I have a rash from that fiberglass. End of review.

Okay, so that part of the reviewer was on to something. This does kind of fuck you up in the... in like crazy ways. And he's like, nothing happened. What other reviewer? Sorry, the one who said like, oh, I didn't feel like a rock star at all. Oh, I see, I see. Yeah, yeah.

Nothing happened. It's not any different than Mountain Dew. And this guy's like, oh, it's leagues different from Mountain Dew. Like, I bathed in fiberglass. That's how crazy I felt with this shit. We don't know this reviewer's norm. So maybe normally he's bathing in regular glass. Yeah, maybe.

Could be. But who knows? Sometimes it's something like this will bring the rock star out of you. Maybe it's an interaction with like a vitamin. Oh, a vitamin. Oh, a vitamin. Maybe he was drinking another vitamin, like a Red Bull. Oh, like, oh, no.

Or like a Celsius, and then he had the monster or the, whatever it is, a monster. Yeah. Rockstar. You know what they say. Rockstar before Red Bull makes you, your tummy's full. Makes your bed book. And that's not good in this case. I can never remember that one for some reason.

I'm not good at coming up with things today. Today. This is a one-star review of Celsius. from Maddie. The user's name is Jamie from the jungle. It's on Amazon. It's a verified purchase reviewed in 2019, and the flavor name is Kiwi Guava.

I was looking for healthy drinks when I saw this. Got it because of the good reviews, but really, there should be regulations on these type of products. This is more than two times caffeine of coffee. I drink half can that day and could not get any sleep that night or next day. Read a book to help me sleep,

but keep waking me up in a fear-like fashion. Oh. Fear of falling or nightmarish. Basically, I was very tired. And each time I was falling asleep, it wakes me. I am an occasional coffee drinker and green tea drinker, so I am not new to caffeine. These things should be sold as drugs, not healthy energy drinks. But hey, one star for it.

It does taste good. It's perfect if you are a drug addict. Jesus Christ. Hector of review. What the fuck? That went way too far. You made your fucking point. Yeah.

There was a time it went too far. then it just stayed too far. Yeah, it was like, I drink green tea normally. This isn't for me. Okay, got it. Hey, are you a drug addict? I got you something. Can you fucking calm down, Jamie?

Can you just relax for a second? I know you're high on Celsius. Hey, at least the flavor was good. I was about to say Kiwi guava's not bad, though. Sounds pretty tasty. What kind of drink was this? Celsius. Oh, a Celsius, duh.

Duh. I'll have to try that one. Imagine typing healthy drinks in on Amazon and going, I believe everything. that the internet tells me. What the fuck? Yeah. I will say they're like packaging and stuff does give the vibe of...

That minimalist. Yeah, it's like, oh, this is just a, like... It looks like it would be like a seltzer water or something. It's a little chic. Like it's a little like... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a review of G-fuel. This is a one-star review. And G-fuel, if you don't know. G-fuel's for gamers like me. Oh, this is a product. I thought that was the username. So this is a product called G-G-fuel. G-fuel.

Yeah. That's horrible. It's for gamers. I don't actually know if the G is for gamers, but that doesn't make sense. Okay. Gamer fuel is just the worst thing I've ever heard. One star. French vanilla, big mistake. Recently, I purchased my first tub. Tub! It's like powder. It's like powder. Okay. Don't worry.

I feel better. I do. I feel better. I really was alarmed. Like a gallon tub. I just was picturing a barrel or something. I was like, what could this be? Stop thinking about my cracker barrel wife. I can't. She's such a barrel. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It is French vanilla iced coffee. I know, not the best idea. I decided to buy it after I heard so many people talk about how great it is. However, this stuff literally tastes like blue cheese and smells like cat piss. Oh. The blue cheese remark is not an exaggeration. I have no idea if there is something wrong with it or if all the sponsored reviews are totally fake for publicity as many think. End of review.

As everyone's saying. Everyone's been saying this about G-Fuel reviews. We're all saying it. And the gamers are. You know how gamers are. You know how they're all writing letters to each other about stuff? Yeah. That's how they're...

Postcards, letters. Underground communication about it. Have you ever had G-fuel yourself? No, I have not. I wonder if you'd like it. Yes, I would. I don't have to wonder, do I? No, you don't.

Okay. This is from Sam He-Him. And it is a review of, I'm just going to open the link because it's something I've not heard of before. Oh, that's why, because it's called Kill It. Hmm. It is written in killer font, too. 5% nutrition, whatever that means, 5% news. What?

5% nutrition. Kill it, ready to drink high stem pre-workout. Uh-uh. Oh, pre-workout. I tried pre-workout once. Oh, my God, that'll fuck you up. That fucked me up. That was crazy.

That's like four loco shit. That one got me good. I have not done derogatory. Free workout, but I've watched Renee do it. And by the way, I was scared. It's called Extreme Pump. Oh, my God. That's when she did that thing to you.

Which one? There were so many. Most of them were not on any sort of stimulant, but. Yeah, she locked you in the bathroom, just started pounding on the door. I don't know why she did that, but. She does that all the time. She's just like. needed to get some frustration out.

Yeah. I usually call her mom at that point, and I'm like, can you do something about this? Oh, they said you call her mom. I do. Oh, call her mother? Yes. I thought you were saying, like, using the word mom on her, and that somehow calms her down. The maternal instinct inside.

She rocks me to sleep. No, that's not it. One star of this Kill You Five, speaking of Renee, that was our old password for MySpace, Kill You Five. Don't even worry about it. Mine was extremely sour, says Scuba Steve on Amazon. I love Scooba Steve. Vine customer review of free product, it says here.

Mine was extremely sour. I don't think it was made correctly. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be sour, but mine is extremely sour. It had my face puckering after each drink. I had the wife try it too. And same thing with her, sour face. Oh my God, yeah, but what else is new with her? Amen.

Right. Everyone's saying it. Everyone. It doesn't say sour anywhere on the label, so this caught us off guard. I can't deal with the bitterness, nor can she. I think it's a batch that got extra sour. You know how it goes. Oops.

Oops. Oops, we let this one sour for too long. One of the children fell into the chocolate vat at the chocolate factory, and now it's extra sour. Gross. I think it's a batch that got extra sour or no sugar. I doubt that. Yeah. Something is definitely off.

I do agree with that. It's not drinkable. Hopefully it's an isolated incident and has been resolved. It seems like it would taste very good when made correctly, but this isn't the case. That's weird to say. I love how they make a hypothetical situation say, I hope it was dealt with. Yeah. Like I hope someone...

Like, you don't even know something's wrong. I thought you said it was just this one batch. Whatever. Okay. I think they said it. at least hopefully it was, but I will say, I think people underestimate the amount of quality control that goes into shit like this. But shit still does happen.

And also, if you're buying it on Amazon, you don't fucking even know, like, who's selling it? I mean, it says review of free product, so maybe it was the brand, kill you or whatever. What is it called? What is it called? Kill it. Oh, my God. But it's like a little.

It's like, yeah, isn't it called kill you? It's like, stop saying kill it. Yeah. Stop it. Yeah. I don't want the word. Liquid death, though. They're going for the liquid death of it all.

Yeah, too little, too little. A little edgy maybe. This week on For the Haders, a podcast around the stories that we survive, the world has been watching Kale for half of her life. And it never got the beginning. The cameras showed up at 16. Everything that built her happened before they ever started rolling.

This is her story before any. was watching. Part one of Kale's story is out now on For the Haters. Listen to it wherever you get your podcast. I have another review of G-Fuel. This is of Sonic's Peach Rings tub. So the flavor of this one is Sonic Peach Rings. See, now this is when I get upset that I'm allergic to stuff like this, because I want that. You want the Sonic Hedgehog themed stuff. Yeah. No, I just want the Peach one. I want the Sonic the Hedgehog one. Take it or leave it with that little guy. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't like that. I don't like that you said that.

I love Sonic. I'm going to wear my Sonic costume that I don't think I still have the next time we record. I'm sure Mother a Captain. In her trunk. Oh, I thought he meant in her closet. That is what I mean probably. In her trunk. In a vintage trunk of all our old.

Yeah. It feels like I set up some weird Norman Bates, Sonic, the Hedgehog crossover shit. You did. Here is a review of Sonic's featureings atop of it. Five stars. Gotta go faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster. End of review. I mean, yeah, someone had to do it.

Yeah, someone has to do it. And I hate it. And I hate it. This is also from Sam, and it is the same kill it, endurance, 5% nutrition, whatever, okay? And this is written by a sausage guy. one star, and now you know. I mean, this is how you know. Disgusting, says sausage guy.

Okay, so. If sausage guy doesn't like it, yeah. Yeah, not for me. That's saying something for sure. He got flavor name. Now this is rough. Orange. Oh.

Pack of 12. All orange. Feels like a little much. Disgusting cough, medicine, taste, and aftertaste. It's called, here we go. Oh, also it was a free product for seed. Oh, okay. This product.

tastes disgusting, like cough medicine with an unpleasant lingering aftertaste masked by sweetness. It's also ridiculously expensive at two... You got it for free, but... Yeah, wait a second. I guess they can... Fair enough to point it out to me. It's also ridiculously expensive at $2.50 per 12 ounce can. It is also very wastefully packaged with a corrugated tray wrapped in thick, non-recyclable polythene and corrugated outer case as well as a standard Amazon box.

The corrugated is recyclable. The use of organic ingredients is both dubious and antisocial. Huh? Dubious because the Rab M molecule and the fermented cane sugar is actually a Frankenstein molecule C-56H-9-0-033 with molecular weight of 1291 grams per mole parentheses, which is a lot. Hey, you know, to be fair, I needed that clarification. If science class just told me whether or not it was big or small or tall or big. Like, please, I would have been so much better off. Remember the Mole Day video?

Did I ever learn a thing about mold? Oh, yeah. No. You did not. I know that 1291 grams per mole was a lot of more molecular weight. Produced by a complicated industrial process, also dubious because the USDA organic labeling committee has been taken over by industrial food people and allow thousands of chemicals for use with the organic label and antisocial because organic production uses roughly twice the land, labor, water, and other, inputs. If the world converted to 100% organic production, half the population would starve, or put another way, every rich Western consumer is eating for two, the other being a starving poor person, witness the disaster in Ceylon when they try to convert to all organic production.

Famine! And economic chaos stop that experiment. The Rab-M molecule is absorbed in the gut rather than the stomach and must be processed by the liver and kidneys before excretion in the urine. Who wants to put that extra load on those organs? The caffeine... All of us. Everybody. The caffeine content is listed at 200 milligrams per can about the same as two cups of coffee. Note the warning on the can. Don't drink more than two a day. I can't drink the rest of this can and I'm going to toss the rest of it. And it's 11 brethren. End of review. Sounds wasteful for someone who seems to care about the environment. Not going to go next to your corrugated cardboard. Well, thanks for the review doctor. Unfortunately, I'm, okay, I'm sure there are so many great points in there.

Dr. Sausage Guy to you. Oh, Dr. Sausage Guy. I bet there's some good points in there that are some thinkers and things I could lick into. Licking into? Permanentate cane sugar. I'm not licking that. A Frankenstein molecule. I might lick that.

Cool. I have a review of something on GamerSups.g. Love it. Interesting. Here is, my first one is a. review of their flavor, anime girl thigh? Yeah, you've shown me this before. Yeah, so...

I knew you were bringing this today. Three-star review. It was the moment you said Tub, and I was like, he's going to bring that thing he showed me one time. I knew it. I knew it. I mean, I've shown you more than just anime girl thigh of their flavors. I know, I know.

I didn't think of that one specifically. I just meant the website, the brand. I see. Yeah. Well, here's a three-star review. Tastes as voluptuous and top-heavy as an anime girl. End of review. I mean, really.

Believe it or not, this is also marketed towards gamers. What? I know. I know. Shocking. I don't get it. Shocking. Yeah.

Okay. They have free samples, though. I have had them. This is from Anna Turner, who said, I took a shot in the dark and searched the coffee monster flavors on the Walmart website, and I was not disappointed. So we've got Mean Bean Java Monster here. Oh, I've seen that. I feel like I see a lot of people with those.

Like, it's surprisingly. common. Yeah. I think you're right because this review was from just a couple months ago, verified purchase, Deb, top review, or just her, ugh. It's just me, I know. I don't like the taste. End of review.

Deb just can't get her head around it. Yeah, it's so. And it's just her, which is like. And how many times do you think she'd tried it a lot? At least 11. At least 11 and just couldn't do that last one in the dozen and threw it out. Didn't even recycle it. Didn't even get to go with its brethren.

No. Oh, true. Shit. Which fate is worse? A little aluminum soldier. Aluminum soldier. Which is worse, do you think? Like, which one would you rather be?

Would you rather be the one can that the person drinks and then tosses in the recycling? Or the 11 brethren that are together and thrown all in the trash without having been emptied? I guess it makes me wonder, am I sentient? And or is there any good outcome of this scenario? And or I have a lot of follow-up questions. So, yeah, let's get into it. It's not a life or death type thing. Like, you, like, don't think of it in terms of that.

That's my gut reaction. I want to get thrown out with my brother. Without being emptied. Yeah. Okay. Community. That means you value community. I don't, though.

So that's wrong. That's not what the universe is telling you. Or maybe, maybe, you know what, that's not what your gut, your true inner being. Oh, but I put a Frankenstein molecule in there. Is that bad? That's terrible. Wait, it says... But it explains, oh, so much.

Oh, my God. The rebem, it's absorbed in the stomach, not the gut. Oh, really? Or vice versa. Oh, I forgot about that point the doctor made. Dr. Sausage Man. Dr. Sausage guy. This is another review of Jabba Monster Coffee Energy.

Monster. Or what the fuck? I don't know. Here's a three-star review by Daniel. This one's called Chunky. Oh. Hit or miss, some have massive clumps in the bottom. So you have to pour each of them into a cup just to see if you have a bad one.

Oh, that's horrible. Clumps? Well, this is my last one. This is of guacamole gamer fart 9,000. I hate you. I hate this. I mean, I didn't come up with them. I hate it.

This is a five-star review. Baja blasted my ass. Guacamole gamer fart 9,000 is genuinely the best. energy drink mix I've ever used. I've replaced all other caffeine intakes I've previously used with it. And I couldn't be happier. It dissolves well, has a great strawberry lime flavor, and a more than standout name, which has definitely attracted some attention at my office, L.O.L.

A drink so good, I bought the matching cup to go with it. End of review. Is that your cup? No, it is not. This one has a dinosaur on it. Yeah, yours is weird. Yeah, it's an anime girl. But like, trust me, of all the anime girls,

it might be the most appropriately dressed one of all of them. There are some rough ones. You mean on that website? Yeah. There was a titty milk one flavor. All right, I'm done. You should have seen that. I'm sure you've seen it.

That is not something I bought. I don't want to know. Okay, here we go. Imagine finding clumps when you're pouring that one out. There's probably a feature to the people who use it. But look, look, look at this cup. It's one of those mats that you would, like, move cars around, like a rug. But I'm like skeptical.

Like a city. I want to like it, but I'm also like, you're going to turn around. There's just going to be like an anime thigh. And what's wrong? Like, truly, what is wrong with an anime thigh? Especially coming in hot on a big city, a little town. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. This is a five-star review. So it's my last one. And it is from the Walmart website. It's also of Mean Bean, Bean, Java Monster. I kind of want to try this one. This is by Tim, five stars.

Find this product in Walmart. It's a one of a kind. It's like playing football, but each time you're a winner. Oh, Tim. It's like playing football. What? I'm still... I got nothing.

What does that mean? It's like playing football, but each time you're a winner by drinking this. And when it comes to the monster drinks, that's right, Monster. I've seen a Sasquatch drinking this stuff. End of me. What? We're all over the place. End of a review.

I think the last thing I would have expected after the football stuff would have been a reference to Sasquatch drinking this. I wonder if that's like monster. Monster, maybe combined with the color of the can, which is a brown. Yeah, yeah, and like the kind of scratching marks. Maybe the fact of football's brown and leathery. He can't get it off his brain. He's obsessed. Wow.

Big Ghost. Big Ghost was sponsored this episode. Yeah. They owe us a lot of money. Yeah. They don't know it. But, yeah, but, oh, they will. They will.

I know where their offices are. Yeah. And I know the top 10 people in the company. And their daily activities. And I know their top 10 floors. And do you know their families? And I know their seven-layer bean dip recipe. It's time for my challenge.

My challenge was to find reviews of people falling out of channel. Okay, I forgot. I forgot about this one. I got to lock in. You got to lock in. Because this is one of those things where I really thought I'm above this kind of humor. I didn't think it. I just kind of assumed.

And then you literally say this all the time that the slapstick type thing always gets you. People getting hurt always gets you. And then every time you're like, I feel bad saying this. Just own up. Accept it. It's part of my shadow. Okay. I'm trying to accept it.

It's all those years of watching America's Funniest Home videos I've really. really done a number on me, I think. And that time we tried to fake our own. That was violent against me. We tried to make them. It was an accident. It was karma for trying to lie. It was karma to you to get your heads back to the door.

What do you mean is karma for me? Yeah, I don't know why. That's true. I think you should. As if it was my idea to do this and not be my older sister. You weren't doing your part. This is a review sent in by Lindsay She-Her. And it is a post from Reddit on our Orange Theory.

And the title... I'm already excited. Oh, no. The title is, crazy thing happened yesterday. The woman next to me fell off for a treadmill. It's just terrible. Oh, no. It's like my worst fear.

I was expecting the person. I know. And we do get the post. Yeah, I think maybe we do get those, but eventually, but we'll see. Okay. Our studio just got those iPads and mine conked out in the middle of class. The woman next to me, very fit woman in her 60s who has a power walker, started telling me that she was on that same treadmill yesterday and the iPad stopped working as well.

I told her I would tell reception and not to worry about it. She would not let it go. And next thing I know, she's calling the coach over to tell her that the iPad is not working. So essentially, like, she's saying like, oh, it's fine, I'll handle it. And this woman's trying to... The person writing the post is like, I'm good. Got it. Don't worry about it.

And this person was like, I have a duty. I'm going to meddle. Yeah. So I got to go. Never mind. Yeah. The next thing I know, she's calling coach over to tell her that the iPad is not working. All of a sudden, next thing I know, she lost her balance, slid off the treadmill at the 7% incline, smashed down on her nose, breaking it.

There was blood all over the floor. Her knees were scraped. Her arms were scraped. Horrible. I started screaming. Pff. So the woman. falls, not that this person's

fall, but the woman falls trying to help you, they fall, they break their nose and you just start screaming. That's what's funny to me. Not so breaking your nose, not the falling, it's like the reaction of, I started screaming. Like they're admitting to this, having this reaction

instead of like, that's hilarious. Holy shit. Oh my god. I mean, a broken nose, there's blood. Oh, it's terrible. Oh my God, oh my God. And let's go to the internet to talk about it. Tell everyone about this. And then there's a 7% incline. the blood is probably just like flowing off shooting everywhere.

Yeah, because her head still on it going bounce, bounce, bounce. She's okay, but she's just bouncing. Can you imagine a blood spatter analyst coming in? They'd be like, what happened in here? They'd be like, you're right, this is a bunk science. I'm turning my badge. Honestly, like without victims, like anyone dying, I think they should bring blood spatter analyst into situations like that for training.

Totally. You know? And then they learn. something. So it's like how many times to get it drops off the treadmill and at what incline? That but incline, yeah. As I saw it happen, I couldn't do anything to stop it. Thankfully, there was

nothing seriously wrong other than blood and broken nose, but it was really terrifying to see that happen right in front of me. I feel bad because she was trying to get help on the treadmill, but I told her not to worry about it. My friend said obviously it wasn't my fault, but I still feel about guilty. Luckily, there were four doctors in the class that

took very good care of her. Anyone else ever see this happen? Oh, my God. I don't mean anyone else ever see this happen. Yeah. Like, I don't think this person, yes. You're so right. Especially because they gave the specifics of the 7% and, like, the situation of, like, being helped.

But, like, I don't think this person, obviously, like, I should feel bad at all. But, like, to make it, like, oh, this was so terrifying to be a part of this. As you talk about this woman breaking her nose. It's posted in the commiseration, like, with commiseration flare. And I thought at first commiseration for the treadmill lady, but I think this person's like, has anyone else to witness something? I mean, to be fair, that would be traumatizing to witness someone almost, I mean, that looks very. Yeah. It would be shocking.

It would be shocking. It would be shocking. I feel like there was less energy for how terrible. Yeah. Is she also okay besides, I know she broke her nose, but like that doesn't sound good. I just hope they're not on that subreddit. Me too. Me too.

Here is a review sent in by Donica, Sheher, and it is a post from, wouldn't you know it, cruise critic.com. Oh, goody. Yes, this is of the Norwegian epic. And here is the post. We chose this cruise for itinerary and calendar timing. We also had air miles points to use up. The ship is too big for our taste, and lineups were long for everything, especially elevators.

Some were not in service at various times. Balcony cabin was like a small motorhome space that had a washroom sink in front of our bed. Two people could not walk past each other without one getting out of the way. Completely understaffed for the guest total. For example, bars were closed with zero bartenders, so your beverage package purchased was useless unless you find an open bar. Even then, you have to wait so long to get served, you couldn't buy enough drinks to pay for your beverage package.

You can never hear the ship announcements as there were no speakers in your cabin, and the sound quality was poor in other areas. Smoking is allowed in the casino, which because of that we never used, but were forced to pass through there many times, as it is in the center of the ship, causing us to feel so ill every time we pass through. Operator doesn't answer call even after 20 or more rings. No supervision in gym,

and my wife fell off the treadmill with zero assistance from staff. I had to remind myself what the challenge was halfway through that. Got real wordy there. I like snapped out of something. I was like, oh, they're giving, my God, they must have taken notes as they walked around like a health inspector. And then it was like, honey, get on the treadmill. Yeah, let's see how this.

Ball off and see what happens. Nope, nobody coming to your rescue. All right, I'm off. Meet me over there. And John Quinoes? Quinoes. Quinoes. Kignon.

I always struggle with his name. He comes out and is just her on the ground. No supervision in gym and my wife fell off treadmill with zero assistance from staff. Not nearly enough quiet spaces to read and relax. I mean, if there's not a bartender, there's not, for lines of people, there's not going to be a help you up from the floor off the treadmill person available at every second. There are no, like, gym lifeguards?

I know. That's no supervision. It's like, well, maybe you shouldn't need supervision. A hotel gym doesn't usually have supervision. No, no, I agree. That is a, that is a very specific request. Also, if I fell off a treadmill, do you know how much I would pay for not a single person to even be witness to it, let alone help me off the ground? That's a good point. I don't want a soul.

I mean, if something were really... Okay, if I break my ankle... But my first instinct wasn't like, why is no one right here to help me up? My first in sync is immediately, don't perceive me, please, nobody. Nobody perceived me in this, not even my husband who's filming this for our vlog or whatever. No supervision in gym. My wife fell off the treadmill, not nearly enough quiet space to read and relax, not surprising with 4,100 people on board,

not nearly enough deck or pool space for same reason. Overall, a so-so experience for a lot of money. Yeah. Sounds like it was a so-so. Man, what a small little footnote, the wife falling off. the treadmill. I know. Yeah. What's that about?

Yeah. It's like it was so-so and it's like, honey, I broke my note. I had to get airlifted. Yeah, what the hell? What was the copter called? Oh, the Apache. Yeah. Lee, they, them sent this in.

I tried to open the link, but it said TripAdvisor had blocked me. So thankfully, Lee sent screenshots also. This one is of the veranda resort and spot says, do not stay here. One star. I'm not sure what type of scam they're conduct. to get positive reviews, but this place is extremely subpar, and I wish I had known that before booking. I rarely write reviews, but feel compelled because I wish someone had warned us before we stayed here. I know it's a long post, but the short answer is stay away. Do not waste your money

on this outdated place. They call it a resort, but it's not. With awful food, service, and accommodations, I could write 10 pages on the issues of this resort. It's not a resort. But here are some general bullets. The resort, parentheses, very far from a resort in every sense. Okay, we get it. Is outdated, tired, and worn, rooms are gross, pool area is completely outdated, and beach areas are dirty and unkempt. Much of the staff seems annoyed to be there, things like asking for a few more towels or extra tomatoes in your omelette. What? Get met with annoyance, as if you're a major inconvenience to them. Food is mediocre at best. If you can't walk a lot, you'll have to take a golf cart everywhere.

of construction going on all over. Not exactly what you want to hear as you're trying to relax. We lost power several times while we were there, and my husband fell off the treadmill as a result. Oh, my God. Do you imagine? That's a new fear unlocked. I mean, don't they slow down? Yeah, but like really rapidly, like emergency stop, which is like, well, like you'd get like.

Yeah, yeah. Also, I mean, if you didn't know it was happening. Believe it or not, I don't, whenever I run on treadmills, which hasn't been for a while, I'm not going that fast. Well, true, because I'm usually holding. the palm leaf. Fan you. By the way, really brave to go back on the treadmill after the power went out and you fell off it.

Yeah, like, hopefully that happened just the first time. No, I like to think it happened over and over. It happened three times. They have a lock and key safe, which doesn't work consistently big in convenience. Okay, so falling off the treadmill. Now, this is a one-star view of an actual treadmill on Amazon. Oh, good. that Lee sent in. And these are the last, this is the last product I'm going to end on.

But I do have a couple reviews of it. I believe they're all verified. Yep, all verified purchases. Here's a one-star review of this treadmill on Amazon by Mighty Power 7. Death trap. This treadmill is an absolute death trap. I used it exactly once and my foot caught a normal part of the machine that sticks up slightly in the back. and I fell slash was catapulted off of it and nearly broke my arm. By the way, it says style walking pad. So it's not even like... Oh my God, one of those walking... It's one of those walking ones for your office or for your desk.

What? I was catapulted. I fell slash was catapulted off and nearly broke my arm. The belt is not wide enough for the machine itself. So when you're walking, if you're not careful, you step on both the moving belt and the stationary machine at the same time. throwing off your balance, which is fun because there are no bars to hang on to to restabilize yourself. Nine people found this helpful.

You went on to it knowing there weren't handle. You know, it's like right there. Like, you know what you're getting on to. How fast are you walking that you're catapulted? And it's not like they're misleading you where you get on it. You're like, whoa, there were no handlebars. Yeah, true. And also, like, when the catapult does start going back, they do give you a countdown.

It takes a long time. And, like, you really feel the stretch of the rubber band. Yeah. As you turn into a cannonball. Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy. Forget monster energy.

Like this shit, rock star or whatever. This shit's crazy. Okay, here's another one of the walking pad. One Star Review by Brittany. Verified purchase. Title is, it fights back. What is happening with this thing? I'm serious.

It's scary this stuff. If you are over 200 pounds, do not get this. If you are looking to run or jog at any pace, do not get this. The belt stutters, which will then catapult your whole body. Okay, so this is apparently a real thing. I regret even questioning the word. Which will then catapult your whole body

into the freaking wall. Oh, my God. I found whether with shoes on or bare feet it just... It does say bear feet like the animal, but we'll move fast. Whether with shoes on or bare feet, it just doesn't really support a lot of weight if you are a heavy walker, which I am.

It definitely was having a hard time. I'm a full-figured woman, and I would much rather go with a full treadmill, L-O-L. Oh, and the belt you have to adjust that every five minutes. It's really annoying. You're just one way and then you're just the other way and then you just the other way and run the pad for a few minutes to ensure that it's straight. You eyeball it, then hop back on.

It's doing the same thing. It might also be a contribution to my weight, but it is really annoying and dangerous. I'd rather be big and alive rather than get R-K-Oed by a walking pad. End of review. Wow. Those are wise words. But am I wrong in thinking you shouldn't even try to? Why to run on it?

Like, why are people running on it? No. I thought it's a, like they said at the end, a walking pad. I know. I feel like they're not meant for that. So I'm like, I wonder if they're having this issue because they're going too fast. Because they're running. Not because of anything else.

I mean, she said don't run on it. I'm like, well, it says it in the name. Or jog. It's like, well, I didn't know that anyone did that. I mean, maybe if you're walking pretty fast and then, like, if it were to like stop, yeah, I would imagine you'd wipe out. So in my head, they're like so much smaller than a tread. Yeah, they're not.

So it's like you have to be accurate with your steps. But I don't know. I don't. This thing, do you know how much this thing was? I don't. I don't even have a link to it. I feel like I do this a lot. But I feel like whenever I bring up the price because I'm like, how much did you pay for this?

Oh, for the amount. Would you feel like it's, it was enough where you trust it to run on it, especially if it's just a walking pan? I'm going to pull it up because. It's an excellent question, and I do have the answer. So it is a... Oh, but look, it looks like... Okay.

She's running in the picture. That's a bigger thing than I thought. It says walking, jogging, running machine. Okay. And it is 94-98. I take back pretty much everything I said. I agree. I agree.

I'm sorry to these reviewers. Like, I can't deal with being catapulted ever. No, you know what? If that thing looks like, yeah, if you could catapult. And you're having to... Having to fix the band. No, yeah. That's crazy.

Fuck that. Fuck that. That's crazy. No, that's not what I was picturing. And that's 100 bucks on prime sale or whatever the fuck. Like that's, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I agree.

Look, it's rare that we're wrong. Rare. Very rare. But when we are, we can own up to it. We can own up to it. And that's what we're doing right now. Good thing. This is the only thing in this episode we were ever wrong about.

This thing is the only thing in most in any episode that we were ever wrong about. It's a first. It's a first. It doesn't feel good. So, yeah. Here's the last review I have. It's a one-star review by Gail. Don't look at me.

What's this walking pat? Oh, so we're going to feel bad for Gail now. I mean, her name's Gail. The context has switched, you know, where now we're like, oh. With heavy heart, I read this review from Gail. But if this says the word catapult, that would be crazy. Free people. I feel like this says the word in loving memory.

Oh, dear God. She was catapult. She died the way she lived. I mean, Catapulted off her latest Amazon purchase. Here's a want to review by Gail, verified purchase. Not a good pad want refund. I've had only a few months. Hardly working.

I've fallen off twice. I would tell people over 72 not to buy it. Dangerous it can be. Just hoping you have respect to refund. End of review. Oh, no. Yeah, no. No action on that review.

it looks like. Yeah. It's got to be rough. You just have that reminder. Fell up twice. Hey, you know. That sucks. That's in three months.

They're going to do eight a year. And she's like, if you're over 72, I would recommend. I'm like, how about you just, how about zero? Yeah. Hey, you know, the weirdest thing happened earlier? We turned on the lights in here and the power goes to my like vibration plate thing. And suddenly it started talking. And Alexander.

It was two men talking. It was two men talking. It sounded like Ryan Reynolds or something. I don't know. Ryan's secret. I don't know. It sounds like somebody, some white man with nice hair. They were just blabbing inside the fucking thing.

And I'm like, it doesn't have a speaker or a radio. I don't know. It must have picked up a frequency. But it went on and on and on. Then we turned off the thing, turn it back on and it stopped. But not that I've seen something like that happen, but it was so fucking clear. It was like it was a radio. I thought it was a speaker over there.

Because I, and I was. too scared to go over there because I'm like staring at it going. But so anyway, I basically I say that to say, especially because this thing also says like motor and basically all that has is a motor allegedly. And now I'm like, it's fucking talking. The treadmill's going to start talking at you. It's going to say, I'm a catapult to right into the wall. Gail, you dumb bitch.

Imagine if it said that the first time. And that it did. And then it said, I'm so sorry, Gail. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I'll come back to me, Gail. I won't change the speed while you're on it without you. I'll never do it again.

I would never do that. I've changed, Gail, I've changed. I lost my catapult. She got on and he said, I gotta do it. Thoop. Throop. Oh, throop.

Oh. Sorry, I had to use you as an example. Yeah, why'd you catapult me through the sky? I had to use you as an example. Oh. Thanks for listening to today's episode. We, Alexander got catapulted, much like a brave little toaster into Mars.

And so we're going to go and I'm going to maybe try and find him with my walking pad and I are going to go. It does, you know what, it gives my vibration plate talking gives very brave little toaster vibes. I thought we were doing a bit where I was gone. You had to go find me. So I was waiting for you to end the episode. I'm pretending that my vibration plate. Anyone watching the video would be like, I see him right there.

My vibration play is now a walkie talking. Over? Housemar is over? Okay, I actually have to end this bit because it's not going well. Hi. Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Cheever. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borges Wendell of VW Sound. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV.

Where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. Men in black, one through three. That's what I'm talking about. Mean girls. Shut up. Titanic.

I'm the key in the world. And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.